#and being guilt tripped into acknowledging some sort of ethical responsibility

[oldshittydog]

dont you just love when creators on tumblr are like "actually, you, dear viewer, have a MORAL OBLIGATION to reblog my stuff if you like it!" like girl can i have a break

[silenthillmutual]

I don't know if you're the right person to tell this to but I think my mom's emotionally abusive. She gets mad whenever I get upset at her and gaslights me(probably??) whenever I call her out. I tried to tell her that she never apologized for hurting my feelings and she responded with, "I don't have to apologize to you" and it just made me feel worse. My family's Christian and all but I'm scared to tell the pastor(or anyone) because I don't want her to get mad at me. Do you have any advice?

I guess I’m a decent source for that, and I’ve got enough spoons today to answer this! 

I’ll be honest with you, a parent reacting with anger whenever you get upset with them is never a good sign. The “I don’t have to apologize to you” response is definitely emotionally abusive, especially if it’s not a reaction in a vacuum; anything as an isolated incident is understandable since we all make mistakes, but this doesn’t sound like a one-off thing. 

I had a couple of friends help me through being gaslit myself; here are a few articles on the topic, all of which are pretty brief:

Were You Born Under the Gaslight?

11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting

a resource post from r/RaisedByNarcissists

I’m not a psychologist in any capacity, but having been through it myself and having sat down and watched a film adaptation from where the term hails, here’s a sort of brief rundown of some things gaslighters will do to their victims:

making attempts to isolate you (from friends, from family members, etc; ex, excessive monitoring of your communications with friends to the point of taking your phone or computer so you can’t contact them, although this may be done subtly)

telling you that you have traits or attributes that do not feel or sound like things you do (ex, telling you that you are “forgetful” or “tend to lose things” even when you are not a forgetful person)

accusing you of lying, whether directly or indirectly (ex. asking, “what did you do with x thing?”, not believing you when you say you haven’t seen it; then when you find it, saying something to the effect of, “so you did know where it was”)

saying things with emotion and then denying there is any emotion behind their words (ex. if they say something to you in an angry way and when you say, “don’t be angry,” they say, “i’m not angry” and look at you like you’re crazy)

making you look bad in front of others (this can be making you look like a jerk, making you look inconsiderate, making you look foolish, like a buzzkill, etc.)

taking on a tone to imply that you are scaring them, even when you have not done or said anything out of the ordinary (if you’re thinking to yourself, “i didn’t even have any emotion behind this, i didn’t even sound angry” and they’re reacting like they’re afraid you’re going to hit you? that’s gaslighting)

whiplash mood swings and honeymooning - quickly going from being angry at you to putting on a convincing happy act in front of others; “honeymooning” is when, after a period of abuse, they start to act really nice and considerate towards you, making you think that they’ve changed, or maybe they do one really nice thing for you as a way to “make up” for their behavior (this never lasts, don’t buy it.)

turning themselves into the victim of every situation (guilt tripping you, especially in situations where you are telling them that they have hurt you. parents really love this one; it’s the “oh so i’m a horrible parent” comeback to any time you’ve ever said “this really hurt my feelings”)

infantalizing you (another parental favorite)

upsetting you in public, covertly, so that only you are aware of what they have said/done

threatening you with institutionalization

Another big one that I don’t think I mentioned here because it’s not one that came up in the film is outright denying that something ever happened. We tend to assume that’s something we’d be able to catch outright, but the truth of the matter is that their lies start out small and they do all of these things above & more for the sake of putting you off balance and confusing you so that by the time their lies get to the level of things you should be able to look at and say plainly, “that’s not true,” you’ve gotten to the point where you feel like you can’t trust your own memory or judgement of things. 

I’ll give a couple examples because the list of potential things they could lie about goes between fairly small stuff to extreme stuff:

my mother claimed once that she was never on her phone during dinner

my mother claiming she’d never seen movies that not only did i remember her commentary on, but i’m pretty sure one of them we actually saw in theatres

her claiming i’d never told her things that i most definitely had told her before

combined with that one: lying about the last time we’d had contact; right before i cut off all contact with her i was able to actually screenshot the dates and times of the last time we’d spoken and send them to her

lying about actual historical facts; in my mother’s case: refusing to acknowledge that ABA had, since its inception, used aversives and was abusive in practices, was the foundation of the conversion therapy movement. i sent her screenshot and link proofs of this as well and she did not appreciate it

she also claimed that she never threatened to kick me out of the house and claimed that i promised her i would start therapy before starting HRT - neither of which are accurate or even remotely believable (you really think i’d up and move w two weeks notice halfway across the country if i hadn’t been kicked out? i have to laugh.)

Another one that did not really get shown well in the film but that I believe i’ve read somewhere and have personal experience with, is that they like to keep you traumatized. It keeps you in a state of like... uncertainty, I guess you could say. It keeps you from feeling completely lucid or in control of things, and more likely to need help and depend on them for continued support. They may also be likely to mess with your head in other ways, like with the use of drugs - and I don’t just mean illegal ones; parents who have control over your medication and make sure you take it do have to potential to keep you up on medications you don’t actually need as a method of control. (Both of these can actually be seen in use in the film Midsommar w/ the suicide ritual being a method of continued trauma and the constant drug use being...obvious. I’m sure it gets used in other places too but that was the first one to come to mind, and Aster does a really good job of showing how effective that shit is.)

I don’t really know what other religions rules are like when it comes to confidentiality. I was raised Catholic, and there was a certain understanding about priests and ethics that pretty much went that unless you had a warrant (and on top of that, a damn good reason; iirc there have been plenty who don’t even testify under oath) they weren’t to tell anyone what you told them in confidence. If you know anything about their ethics regarding that or even feel that you can ask them safely about it, it could be a good place to start if you feel that church community is one where you feel safe. 

The biggest roadblock tbh is age and...idk how else to put this other than status? If you’re a minor there is, unfortunately, not a lot you can do to get away from her or get her to stop - especially if you’re in a situation where she’s really your only parent. Which is sort of what I meant by status; do you have another parent or step-parent, sibling, uncle, aunt, cousin, etc  you feel you could talk to about it? 

I really wish I could recommend school guidance counselors, but I’m not altogether sure they’re equipped with the right materials to help you out there. That being said, if you have a family member that you can trust to help you find a therapist outside of school, that would also be a really good resource; whether you’re an adult still living within that contact or a minor who can’t get away at the moment, a therapist can help you come up with some coping techniques to deal with it until you can safely get away. I’d suggest looking for one who specializes in trauma or in PTSD, esp if they have c-PTSD listed (the ‘c’ is for complex, which is a proposed addition(??) to PTSD that would separate a singular traumatic event from an ongoing traumatic situation like living in war zones, being a POW, domestic violence, etc). PsychologyToday has a search function for finding accredited therapists in your area that should list their specialties, credentials, and insurance plans they take. (And if you’re asked why you need one, honestly, extrapolate on a minor issue. Like tbh you could just say body image issues.) Therapists are bound by license-revoking ethics not to tell anyone what you discuss in therapy unless you are going to hurt yourself or someone else.

[If you feel you’re being monitored too closely at home and don’t have a way to get this information at school, I suggest asking a reference librarian to help you out. A lot of public libraries will have community resource information, and if they don’t have flyers or brochures out, reference librarians’ entire jobs are to help you access information whether that’s in the library or in the community! That’s why I work in LIS, lol.]

Other than that the two big pieces of advice I have are:

Build up a support network outside your family. If you feel you can’t trust them with this, or even if you’re worried about putting them in the middle of a difficult situation - and even if those aren’t concerns for you - it’s always good to have a support network that isn’t connected to the situation in some way. Most of my support network came from friends, a bulk of whom I knew from online, and from coworkers. The first person to tell me I was being gaslit was actually a coworker, who I talked to when I got kicked out and was shaken up about it. I had a p good relationship w my boss and all my coworkers there, so when I had to put in my two weeks’ notice I actually got an offer to stay with my boss in the event that the situation escalated, and also knew I could go and stay with my one of my best friends with their grandad, or their sister. In fact, right when that happened, my friends already had a kind of escape plan half-formed because things had just kind of been getting worse, and for almost a year now I’ve been living with my other best friend. Even if things never get to the point of you having to leave the house, just having people that you can rely on who will be on your side entirely is crucial to dealing with that kind of stress.

If you think or feel you may be getting gaslit - even if you’re thinking to yourself that you’re just blowing things out of proportion or that it’s “not that bad” (a lot of us go through that) - start keeping a journal of things your mother says to you. You don’t have to show anyone. Just keep it for yourself. It doesn’t even have to be anything important; like I said earlier, it can be as simple as off-handed comments about movies you’ve watched or appointments you’ve made or what have you. Write them down when they happen, date them, and then when she says something that you feel contradicts what you’ve already heard - you can fact-check it. You can also do this with screenshots if it’s over text or something, and if you think you can get away with secretly recording her on your phone that might help too. I don’t recommend telling her you’re doing this or pointing out when she’s been lying; in the event she doesn’t outright deny it she could flip it around to make herself the victim or spiral out of control and get worse - this is just for your peace of mind. The goal of gaslighting, to quote the movie, is to “systematically [drive] you out of your mind”. This would just be a way to reassure yourself that you’re not making it up, you didn’t forget, you’re not blowing things out of proportion. 

If you need anything more specific, feel free to let me know! I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it really just fucking sucks. But I believe you can make it! And there is an it - there’s an out, even if it’s hard to get to or takes long. 

[circe-poetica]

Lunar Eclipse July 2019 Astrology

At 24°04′ Capricorn, the July 2019 lunar eclipse is only 2°13′ from the dwarf planet, Pluto, making this an intensely emotional lunar eclipse. The eclipse is square another dwarf planet called Eris by only 0°15′. This suggests the lunar eclipse will expose many dark secrets and bad behaviors. In turn, this will cause conflict and turmoil, and a dramatic transformation in relationships, society, and culture.

Looking at the lunar eclipse July 2019 astrology chart below you will see Saturn is also close to the Moon. But over 7 degrees is a bit too far away to have a noticeable influence, especially considering Pluto is so close to the Moon. Yet Saturn makes two other much stronger aspects worth considering. Venus opposite Saturn is not a good omen for love relationships, but Saturn sextile Neptune brings hope that something good will come from the strife and discord.

There are no major fixed stars within orb of the lunar eclipse but the Sun is closely aligned with fixed star Pollux in Gemini Constellation. This adds an aggressive and destructive Mars-like influence to the eclipse, but I will talk more about the stellar influences later.

Lunar Eclipse Conjunct Pluto

Moon conjunct Pluto brings such deep feelings that they can overwhelm you. A personal interaction or event may trigger a memory or emotion buried deeply in your subconscious. You might even become obsessed about your feelings and have trouble focusing on anything else. Dreams, visions, psychic impressions or intuitive insights may have a profound influence on your mood. Interactions with women will be particularly intense and revealing.

Your intuition may be correct but could obscure your rational thought processes and conscious judgment skills. In relationships, you may have to deal with controlling and manipulative behaviors like jealousy, guilt-tripping, threats, intimidation, violence or self-harm. Transcend your own challenging emotions and behaviors through meditation, self-analysis, or other technique to understand your feelings.

Sun opposite Pluto can bring some sort of crisis with your self-esteem, a relationship or an event. This may be related to abuse of power or due to a self-destructive character trait such as addiction, spying or stubbornness. Events may include the breakdown of an appliance or car, theft or violence.

Avoid being overly assertive, egotistic, or resistant to change. Challenges are more likely if you stubbornly resist change, or have engaged in some habit that is destructive to yourself or others. Even though you may experience a bruised ego, there is also great potential for positives if you are open to change.

Dwarf Planet Eris

The dwarf planet Eris was discovered in January 2005 and named after the Greek goddess of strife and discord. Eris takes 558 years to orbit the Sun, more than double that of Pluto’s 248 years. According to Nick Anthony Fiorenza:

Eris challenges patriarchal authority. As a powerful warrior female force, Eris especially uncovers and challenges patriarchal dominant miss-deeds and acts of misuse of power, especially about male dominance over, or exploitation of, women. Eris takes a stand to reestablish balance to our gender dominance/subservience imbalance by disclosing such discordance… and Eris abhors, will provoke and will challenge the assumption of the reality of a situation when based on false pretense. She provokes change by upsetting the status quo, by upsetting the apple cart. Eris discloses and exposes clandestine affairs, or simply what lies hidden behind innocent but naïve assumptions about reality. She opens our eyes to what is covered by lies, often revealing something deceitful, shameful, ugly, or simply what is unacceptable behavior, often driven from greed or inflated pride. [1]

So Eris square the lunar eclipse and Pluto is going to give more power and influence to the #MeToo Movement. The Sun opposite Moon at a lunar eclipse already highlights differences between masculine and feminine energies. The lunar eclipse will shine a light on abuses of power and all the ugly, cruel, disgusting, immoral, unethical and illegal behavior in society. It especially emphasizes the mistreatment of women by men in positions of power and authority.

Following this lunar eclipse, bad behavior in the domestic and work environment will no longer be tolerated. Annoyance and irritation will turn to aggressive reactions, the exposure of secrets, separations and legal cases. Perpetrators will be shamed, vilified, demoted, fired, fined and imprisoned. Victims will be acknowledged, vindicated, emboldened, promoted and compensated.

Other Aspects of the Lunar Eclipse

Venus opposite Saturn brings sadness and loneliness because of delays and limitations affecting your love life and finances. It makes it harder to give and receive love and affection. Physical or emotional distance can add more strain on love relationships. The best way to show you care is to work hard and do practical things. Try to work out where you are responsible for any relationship difficulties and do some work on self-development. Try to pay off any debts and if you can’t, at least organize them so you know where you stand.

Venus trine Neptune is good for relaxation and daydreaming. It softens the cold Saturn influence and makes it easier to connect through empathy. It heightens your sense of compassion and wishes to serve to others. So Lunar Eclipse July 2019 is good for joining a charity or some other organization to help less fortunate people. This wish to help out may even lead to political activism. Connecting to a companion at the spiritual level will be easier and make up for the lack of affection from Saturn.

Saturn sextile Neptune brings material gain from spiritual pursuits. You can make your dreams come true with hard work and a sensible, realistic approach. You will understand your own limitations but will be optimistic at the same time. Through practical help and spiritual support and encouragement, you can help others follow their dreams. You might become attracted to groups or clubs with similar values or beliefs to your own. These may include churches and other religious or spiritual groups, charities, welfare and support groups, animal rights and environmental causes.

Lunar Eclipse Fixed Stars

Fixed star Pollux (23°28′ Cancer) makes people spirited, audacious and brave. According to George Noonan [2], it portends eminence and renown, while the energy of Mars can be extremely valuable in such areas as war and business and politics. But Elsbeth Ebertin [3] calls it ‘the wicked boy’ of the Gemini twins. It can give a cruel, rash nature with an aptitude for getting into quarrels. Vivian Robson [4] said it gives a love of boxing, dignified malevolence, and is connected with poisons.

Sun conjunct Pollux: Brutal and tyrannical, violent and cruel. [3] Occult and theosophical interests, blows, stabs, serious accidents, shooting, shipwreck, murderer or murdered, extreme sickness and diseases, fevers, ailments affecting the stomach, homosexual, riches, and honor but final ruin, blindness, injuries to head and face, quarrels, rape committed or suffered, banishment, imprisonment for embezzling, violent death, decapitation. [4]

Venus conjunct fixed star Canopus (15°12′ Cancer): Emotional, sensitive, stubborn, strong passions, scandal through an intrigue by which reputation will suffer, public disgrace, bad for gain. [4] Immunity from disease and unrequited love. [2]

Saturn conjunct fixed star Vega (15°35′ Capricorn): Strong passions, opinionated, original, many Mercurial difficulties, reputation suffers through wrongful accusations, trouble with superiors, domestic difficulties, few if any, children, the latter half of life more favorable, sudden death. [4] Deflation of masculine pride. [5]

Summary

The partial lunar eclipse on July 16, 2019, with Pluto, brings intense emotions and compulsive behavior. It brings the potential for a personal crisis revealing deeply buried memories and psychological trauma. Power struggles, abuse of power, manipulation, jealousy, and lies are possible. Dark secrets will be exposed and this is also caused by the eclipse square Eris.

Eris represents the female warrior archetype and strengthens the feminist cause. At the personal level, expect the calling out of sexual abuse and misogyny to result in more criminal cases. At the social and cultural level, the attack on the patriarchal authority will intensify.

Other planetary aspects widen the gap between men and women. But Lunar Eclipse July 2019 also gives hope that empathy and understanding will lead to lasting changes out of the strife and discord. This should result in higher ethical and moral standards, especially regarding the treatment of women in the workplace but also in the domestic environment.

Fixed star conjunctions to the Sun, Venus, and Saturn highlight the unrequited love associated with sexual misconduct, and “wicked” behaviors like brutality, rape, violence and cruelty. The attack on the patriarchal authority will result in a loss of masculine pride. The stars also show scandal through intrigue and the resulting public disgrace and destruction of reputations. However, the Me Too Movement fight against abuse of power will itself be taken advantage of. Reputations will suffer through wrongful accusations.

https://astrologyking.com/lunar-eclipse-july-2019/

[heididaily]

R E G R E T S

regret (verb)--feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity)."she immediately regretted her words"synonyms:be sorry about, feel contrite about, feel remorse about/for, be remorseful about, rue, repent (of), feel repentant about, be regretful at/about regret (noun)--a feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over something that has happened or been done."she expressed her regret at Virginia's death"synonyms:remorse, sorrow, contrition, contriteness, repentance, penitence, guilt, compunction, remorsefulness, ruefulness

Originlate Middle English: from Old French regreter ‘bewail (the dead),’ perhaps from the Germanic base of greet

twitter @Trump_Regrets 

http://www.forbes.com/sites/ericjackson/2012/10/18/the-25-biggest-regrets-in-life-what-are-yours/#1e9854824d8f 

1. Working so much at the expense of family and friendships.

2. Standing up to bullies in school and in life.

3. Stayed in touch with some good friends from my childhood and youth. 

4. Turned off my phone more/Left my phone at home.

5. Breaking up with my true love/Getting dumped by them.

6. Worrying about what others thought about me so much.

7. Not having enough confidence in myself.

8. Living the life that my parents wanted me to live instead of the one I wanted to.

9. Applying for that "dream job" I always wanted.

10. Been happier more. Not taken life so seriously.

11. Gone on more trips with the family/friends. 

12. Letting my marriage break down.  

13. Taught my kids to do stuff more.

14. Burying the hatchet with a family member or old friend.

15. Trusting that voice in the back of my head more. 

16. Not asking that girl/boy out. 

17. Getting involved with the wrong group of friends when I was younger. 

18. Not getting that degree (high school or college). 

19. Choosing the practical job over the one I really wanted. 

20. Spending more time with the kids.

21. Not taking care of my health when I had the chance.  

22. Not having the courage to get up and talk at a funeral or important event. 

23. Not visiting a dying friend before he died. 

24. Learning another language. 

25. Being a better father or mother.

wikipedia

Regret is a negative conscious and emotional reaction to personal past acts and behaviors. Regret is often a feeling of sadness, shame, embarrassment, depression, annoyance, or guilt, after one acts in a manner and later wishes not to have done so. Regret is distinct from guilt, which is a deeply emotional form of regret — one which may be difficult to comprehend in an objective or conceptual way. In this regard, the concept of regret is subordinate to guilt in terms of its emotional intensity. By comparison, shame typically refers to the social (rather than personal) aspect of guilt or (in minor context) regret as imposed by the society or culture (enforcement of ethics, morality), which has substantial bearing in matters of (personal and social) honor.

It is also distinct from remorse, which is more direct and emotional form of regret over a past action that is considered by society to be hurtful, shameful, or violent. Unlike regret, it includes a strong element of desire for apology to others rather than an internal reflection on one's actions, and may be expressed (sincerely or not) in order to reduce the punishment one receives.

Regret can describe not only the dislike for an action that has been committed, but also, importantly, regret of inaction. Many people find themselves wishing that they had done something in a past situation.

Opportunity principle[

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Opportunity principle defines people's biggest regrets as those marked by the greatest opportunity for corrective action.[2] When the opportunity to improve conditions is nonexistent, cognitive processes proceed to mitigate regret. Education is the forerunner of what we regret most because it is seen as something where circumstances could be changed: "In contemporary society, education is open to continual modification throughout life. With the rise of community colleges and student aid programs in recent decades, education of some sort is accessible to nearly all socioeconomic groups."[2]

Regret pushes people toward revised decision making and corrective action that often bring improvement in life circumstances. A study measured regret in accordance to negative reviews with service providers. It was concluded that regret was an accurate predictor of who switched providers. Regret can be seen as an evolutionary development. As more intense regret is experienced, the likelihood of initiating change is increased. Consequently, the more opportunity of corrective action available, the larger the regret felt and the more likely corrective action is achieved. People learn from their mistakes.[3]

The lost opportunity principle[

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In response to the opportunity principle, the lost opportunity principle directly opposes its views. The lost opportunity principle states that regret should intensify, not diminish, when people feel that they could have made better choices in the past but now perceive limited opportunities to take corrective action in the future. "People who habitually consider future consequences (and how they may avoid future negative outcomes) experience less, rather than more, intense regret after a negative outcome." [4] This principle offers another reason as to why education is the most regretted aspect in life. Education becomes a more limited opportunity as time passes. Aspects such as making friends, becoming more spiritual, and community involvement tend to be less regrettable which makes sense because these are also aspects in life that do not become limited opportunities. As the opportunity to remedy a situation passes, feelings of hopelessness may increase.[5] An explanation of the Lost Opportunity Principle can be seen as a lack of closure. Low closure makes past occurrences feel unresolved.[6] Low closure is associated with "reductions in state self-esteem and persistent negative affect over time". Because high closure is associated with acceptance of lost opportunity, low closure is then associated with the realization and regret of lost opportunity.

The lost opportunity principle suggests that regret does not serve as a corrective motive (which the opportunity principle suggests). Instead, regret serves as a more general reminder to seize the day. Feeling regret will spur future action to make sure other opportunities are taken so that regret will not be experienced again.

Anticipated regret[

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People appear to overestimate how much regret they will feel in the future. In particular, anticipated regret (how much regret one thinks one will feel) appears to be overestimated for actions and choices.[7][8] This appears to be, in part, due to a tendency to underestimate the extent to which people attribute bad outcomes to external factors than to internal factors (i.e., themselves).[7]

Neurology[

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Research upon brain injury and fMRI link the orbitofrontal cortex to the processing of regret.[9][10]

https://secretregrets.com/

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/dealing-with-regret-8-ways-to-benefit-and-move-forward/

Dealing with Regret: 8 Ways to Benefit and Move Forward

1. Identify and address your weaknesses.

When we acknowledge our weaknesses, there’s often an implied sense of judgment, as if we should never make any mistakes. The alternative is to accept that everyone makes mistakes and then focus on what we can do differently going forward.

For me, that meant discovering why I was so afraid of putting myself out there. The rewards of learning to conquer that fear in the present far outweigh the pain of having given into it in the past.

2. Use your mistake as a teaching tool.

In my time writing for ‘tweens, I read many letters from girls who’ve learned to beat themselves up by watching their parents’ response to mistakes. If you forgive yourself and bounce right back, you empower your children to respond the same way.

If you’re like me and don’t have any children, think of it as helping everyone around you. I know when I see someone fall down and get back up without stressing over what they could have done differently, I feel inspired. It reminds me that it is possible, and I can do it too.

3. Use the opportunity to become better at adapting.

Most big mistakes present instant changes to reality as you know it. When I first arrived in NYC at twenty-two, I got involved in a pyramid scam, thinking it was a shortcut to success, and blew through my savings. What’s worse, I unknowingly pulled other people into a sinking ship that went under, with their money.

I couldn’t believe I’d been so naïve. I couldn’t change what I’d done, but I could take my new set of circumstances and challenges and plan a strategy to get back where I wanted to be. Any time we practice adapting, we create the possibility of happiness that doesn’t depend on perfect conditions.

4. Strengthen your ability to focus on

things you can control

.

If you cheated on your boyfriend after one too many margaritas, you probably wish you could go back and show more restraint. Unfortunately, what you should have done is now irrelevant. All you can do is move forward from where you are.

This is an invaluable skill because it empowers us to take positive action instead of falling into a shame cycle.

5. Embrace impermanence.

Everything in life is impermanent. While I’m not thrilled when my actions end a relationship or good situation, this reminds me to appreciate everyone and everything in the moment. There are no guarantees in life—even if I make very few mistakes.

6. Evaluate your relationships.

Think of this as your It’s a Wonderful Life moment. You’re down on your luck and vulnerable. You have to do some major life restructuring to rebound from whatever you just experienced. Are your friends there for you, offering forgiveness and support—even if it takes them a little time to get there? If not, this may be a perfect time to remove unhealthy relationships from your life.

This may also give you a chance to strengthen your relationships. If you hurt someone else, take this opportunity to discover what really motivated your actions and then let yourself get vulnerable with them. We’re all human, and nothing brings us together like acknowledging our universal struggles.

7. Get better at accepting responsibility.

I know many people who would sooner donate their organs to science than take responsibility. We’ve all passed the buck at one time or another, because it’s a risk to admit culpability. Still, there’s something empowering about saying, “I screwed up, and I accept the consequences.”

8. Challenge your thinking.

There’s a quote that reads “Success is often the result of taking a misstep in the right direction.” If your mistake propels you toward a better future, then it’s actually a blessing in disguise. I realize mistakes oftentimes present challenges, but ultimately, you can only move forward if you find opportunities in your reality, whatever that may be.

The crazy thing about regret is that it seems imperative sometimes—as if we have to indulge it like a bed we made and now have to lie in. But there’s nothing compelling us to dwell on the way things could have been. The only thing that keeps us stuck in lost possibilities is the refusal to focus on new ones.

Life is now, and we always have a choice: Do we drown in regret over what never came to be, or use our energy to create what can be? Today, I am choosing the latter.

Inside the Growing Movement of Women Who Wish They'd Never Had Kids

Trouble In Transtopia: Murmurs Of Sex Change Regret

readers share photos of tattoos they regret

Tattoo Regret: Why The Majority Of Middle-Aged Americans Are Deciding To Blast Away Their Ink

DONT REGRET REGRET TED TALK KATHRYN SCHULZ

So that's Johnny Depp, of course. And that's Johnny Depp's shoulder. And that's Johnny Depp's famous shoulder tattoo. Some of you might know that, in 1990, Depp got engaged to Winona Ryder, and he had tattooed on his right shoulder "Winona forever." And then three years later — which in fairness, kind of is forever by Hollywood standards — they broke up, and Johnny went and got a little bit of repair work done. And now his shoulder says, "Wino forever."

0:44(Laughter)

0:47So like Johnny Depp, and like 25 percent of Americans between the ages of 16 and 50, I have a tattoo. I first started thinking about getting it in my mid-20s, but I deliberately waited a really long time. Because we all know people who have gotten tattoos when they were 17 or 19 or 23 and regretted it by the time they were 30. That didn't happen to me. I got my tattoo when I was 29, and I regretted it instantly. And by "regretted it," I mean that I stepped outside of the tattoo place — this is just a couple miles from heredown on the Lower East Side — and I had a massive emotional meltdown in broad daylight on the corner of East Broadway and Canal Street. (Laughter) Which is a great place to do it because nobody cares. (Laughter) And then I went home that night, and I had an even larger emotional meltdown, which I'll say more about in a minute.

1:49And this was all actually quite shocking to me, because prior to this moment, I had prided myself on having absolutely no regrets. I made a lot of mistakes and dumb decisions, of course. I do that hourly. But I had always felt like, look, you know, I made the best choice I could make given who I was then, given the information I had on hand. I learned a lesson from it. It somehow got me to where I am in life right now. And okay, I wouldn't change it. In other words, I had drunk our great cultural Kool-Aid about regret, which is that lamenting things that occurred in the past is an absolute waste of time, that we should always look forward and not backward,and that one of the noblest and best things we can do is strive to live a life free of regrets.

2:38This idea is nicely captured by this quote: "Things without all remedy should be without regard; what's done is done." And it seems like kind of an admirable philosophy at first — something we might all agree to sign onto ... until I tell you who said it. Right, so this is Lady MacBeth basically telling her husband to stop being such a wuss for feeling bad about murdering people. And as it happens, Shakespeare was onto something here, as he generally was. Because the inability to experience regret is actually one of the diagnostic characteristics of sociopaths. It's also, by the way, a characteristic of certain kinds of brain damage. So people who have damage to their orbital frontal cortex seem to be unable to feel regret in the face of even obviously very poor decisions. So if, in fact, you want to live a life free of regret, there is an option open to you. It's called a lobotomy. But if you want to be fully functional and fully human and fully humane, I think you need to learn to live, not without regret, but with it.

3:50So let's start off by defining some terms. What is regret? Regret is the emotion we experience when we think that our present situation could be better or happier if we had done something different in the past. So in other words, regret requires two things. It requires, first of all, agency — we had to make a decision in the first place. And second of all, it requires imagination. We need to be able to imagine going back and making a different choice, and then we need to be able to kind of spool this imaginary record forwardand imagine how things would be playing out in our present. And in fact, the more we have of either of these things — the more agency and the more imagination with respect to a given regret, the more acute that regret will be.

4:30So let's say for instance that you're on your way to your best friend's wedding and you're trying to get to the airport and you're stuck in terrible traffic, and you finally arrive at your gate and you've missed your flight. You're going to experience more regret in that situation if you missed your flight by three minutes than if you missed it by 20. Why? Well because, if you miss your flight by three minutes, it is painfully easy to imagine that you could have made different decisions that would have led to a better outcome. "I should have taken the bridge and not the tunnel. I should have gone through that yellow light." These are the classic conditions that create regret. We feel regret when we think we are responsible for a decision that came out badly, but almost came out well.

5:14Now within that framework, we can obviously experience regret about a lot of different things. This session today is about behavioral economics. And most of what we know about regret comes to us out of that domain. We have a vast body of literature on consumer and financial decisions and the regrets associated with them — buyer's remorse, basically. But then finally, it occurred to some researchers to step back and say, well okay, but overall, what do we regret most in life? Here's what the answers turn out to look like.

5:46So top six regrets — the things we regret most in life: Number one by far, education. 33 percent of all of our regrets pertain to decisions we made about education. We wish we'd gotten more of it. We wish we'd taken better advantage of the education that we did have. We wish we'd chosen to study a different topic. Others very high on our list of regrets include career, romance, parenting,various decisions and choices about our sense of self and how we spend our leisure time — or actually more specifically, how we fail to spend our leisure time. The remaining regrets pertain to these things: finance, family issues unrelated to romance or parenting,health, friends, spirituality and community.

6:30So in other words, we know most of what we know about regret by the study of finance. But it turns out, when you look overall at what people regret in life, you know what, our financial decisions don't even rank. They account for less than three percent of our total regrets. So if you're sitting there stressing about large cap versus small cap, or company A versus company B, or should you buy the Subaru or the Prius, you know what, let it go. Odds are, you're not going to care in five years.

6:58But for these things that we actually do really care about and do experience profound regret around, what does that experience feel like? We all know the short answer. It feels terrible. Regret feels awful. But it turns out that regret feels awful in four very specific and consistent ways. So the first consistent component of regret is basically denial. When I went home that night after getting my tattoo, I basically stayed up all night. And for the first several hours, there was exactly one thought in my head. And the thought was, "Make it go away!" This is an unbelievably primitive emotional response. I mean, it's right up there with, "I want my mommy!" We're not trying to solve the problem. We're not trying to understand how the problem came about. We just want it to vanish.

7:50The second characteristic component of regret is a sense of bewilderment. So the other thing I thought about there in my bedroom that night was, "How could I have done that? What was I thinking?" This real sense of alienation from the part of us that made a decision we regret. We can't identify with that part. We don't understand that part. And we certainly don't have any empathy for that part — which explains the third consistent component of regret, which is an intense desire to punish ourselves. That's why, in the face of our regret, the thing we consistently say is, "I could have kicked myself." The fourth component here is that regret is what psychologists call perseverative. To perseverate means to focus obsessively and repeatedly on the exact same thing. Now the effect of perseveration is to basically take these first three components of regret and put them on an infinite loop. So it's not that I sat there in my bedroom that night, thinking, "Make it go away." It's that I sat there and I thought, "Make it go away. Make it go away. Make it go away. Make it go away." So if you look at the psychological literature, these are the four consistent defining components of regret.

8:59But I want to suggest that there's also a fifth one. And I think of this as a kind of existential wake-up call. That night in my apartment,after I got done kicking myself and so forth, I lay in bed for a long time, and I thought about skin grafts. And then I thought about how,much as travel insurance doesn't cover acts of God, probably my health insurance did not cover acts of idiocy. In point of fact, no insurance covers acts of idiocy. The whole point of acts of idiocy is that they leave you totally uninsured; they leave you exposed to the world and exposed to your own vulnerability and fallibility in face of, frankly, a fairly indifferent universe.

9:45This is obviously an incredibly painful experience. And I think it's particularly painful for us now in the West in the grips of what I sometimes think of as a Control-Z culture — Control-Z like the computer command, undo. We're incredibly used to not having to facelife's hard realities, in a certain sense. We think we can throw money at the problem or throw technology at the problem — we can undo and unfriend and unfollow. And the problem is that there are certain things that happen in life that we desperately want to change and we cannot. Sometimes instead of Control-Z, we actually have zero control. And for those of us who are control freaks and perfectionists — and I know where of I speak — this is really hard, because we want to do everything ourselves and we want to do it right.

10:38Now there is a case to be made that control freaks and perfectionists should not get tattoos, and I'm going to return to that point in a few minutes. But first I want to say that the intensity and persistence with which we experience these emotional components of regretis obviously going to vary depending on the specific thing that we're feeling regretful about. So for instance, here's one of my favoriteautomatic generators of regret in modern life. (Laughter) Text: Relpy to all. And the amazing thing about this really insidious technological innovation is that even just with this one thing, we can experience a huge range of regret. You can accidentally hit "reply all" to an email and torpedo a relationship. Or you can just have an incredibly embarrassing day at work. Or you can have your last day at work.

11:31And this doesn't even touch on the really profound regrets of a life. Because of course, sometimes we do make decisions that have irrevocable and terrible consequences, either for our own or for other people's health and happiness and livelihoods, and in the very worst case scenario, even their lives. Now obviously, those kinds of regrets are incredibly piercing and enduring. I mean, even the stupid "reply all" regrets can leave us in a fit of excruciating agony for days.

12:06So how are we supposed to live with this? I want to suggest that there's three things that help us to make our peace with regret. And the first of these is to take some comfort in its universality. If you Google regret and tattoo, you will get 11.5 million hits. (Laughter)The FDA estimates that of all the Americans who have tattoos, 17 percent of us regret getting them. That is Johnny Depp and me and our seven million friends. And that's just regret about tattoos. We are all in this together.

12:46The second way that we can help make our peace with regret is to laugh at ourselves. Now in my case, this really wasn't a problem,because it's actually very easy to laugh at yourself when you're 29 years old and you want your mommy because you don't like your new tattoo. But it might seem like a kind of cruel or glib suggestion when it comes to these more profound regrets. I don't think that's the case though. All of us who've experienced regret that contains real pain and real grief understand that humor and even black humor plays a crucial role in helping us survive. It connects the poles of our lives back together, the positive and the negative, and it sends a little current of life back into us.

13:32The third way that I think we can help make our peace with regret is through the passage of time, which, as we know, heals all wounds — except for tattoos, which are permanent. So it's been several years since I got my own tattoo. And do you guys just want to see it? All right. Actually, you know what, I should warn you, you're going to be disappointed. Because it's actually not that hideous. I didn't tattoo Marilyn Manson's face on some indiscreet part of myself or something. When other people see my tattoo, for the most part they like how it looks. It's just that I don't like how it looks. And as I said earlier, I'm a perfectionist. But I'll let you see it anyway.

14:25This is my tattoo. I can guess what some of you are thinking. So let me reassure you about something. Some of your own regrets are also not as ugly as you think they are. I got this tattoo because I spent most of my 20s living outside the country and traveling. And when I came and settled in New York afterward, I was worried that I would forget some of the most important lessons that I learned during that time. Specifically the two things I learned about myself that I most didn't want to forget was how important it felt to keep exploring and, simultaneously, how important it is to somehow keep an eye on your own true north. And what I loved about this image of the compass was that I felt like it encapsulated both of these ideas in one simple image. And I thought it might serve as a kind of permanent mnemonic device.

15:19Well it did. But it turns out, it doesn't remind me of the thing I thought it would; it reminds me constantly of something else instead. It actually reminds me of the most important lesson regret can teach us, which is also one of the most important lessons life teaches us. And ironically, I think it's probably the single most important thing I possibly could have tattooed onto my body — partly as a writer, but also just as a human being. Here's the thing, if we have goals and dreams, and we want to do our best, and if we love people and we don't want to hurt them or lose them, we should feel pain when things go wrong. The point isn't to live without any regrets. The point is to not hate ourselves for having them.

16:14The lesson that I ultimately learned from my tattoo and that I want to leave you with today is this: We need to learn to love the flawed, imperfect things that we create and to forgive ourselves for creating them. Regret doesn't remind us that we did badly. It reminds us that we know we can do better.

16:36Thank you.

16:38(Applause)