#and became a ''evan buckley making me feel things while on the clock''

[lover-of-mine]

Buck moments in rescues that make me go *blushing furiously* *twirling my hair*

[biboybuckley]

First Ten Lines Game

Rules: Post the first lines of your last 10 fics posted to ao3. if you have less than 10 fics posted, post the first lines of all your fics.

this is so fun thank you for the tag @buddiefication!! i have 34 works and 22 of those are 9-1-1 fics, so here’s the last 10! (not including my collection of tumblr ficlets)

1. i need somebody to pull me out of this grave

Buck!

He didn’t know yet. He didn’t know that Buck was already dead, that yelling wouldn’t do any good. The first shout cracked open something in his chest, spilling poison into his veins. It didn’t matter that he was injured too- he was moving. Buck wasn’t. Buck wasn’t moving.

2. lying to ourselves, acting like we're something else

Okay. Here’s the thing. Buck likes sex. It’s fun. He likes how it feels, he likes making other people feel good. He likes sex. He’s pretty good at sex, if his partner’s praises are to be believed. He doesn’t like it when things get complicated. So he tends toward casual hookups, one time things that he never has to deal with again. Except… okay. He’s good at sex. The aftermath? Not so much. 

3. all the pain i should have saved

Eddie thought Buck was canceling on them. The clock hits 5:55 and he hasn’t heard from Buck. He was supposed to get here around 6, sure, but Buck has never, ever , not been early for a family dinner. Ever . He usually texts Eddie when he’s heading over, but there’s been nothing. Not a text, not a call, not the familiar sound of the jeep pulling into Eddie’s driveway and Buck’s warm voice calling out as he lets himself in. 

4. crashing, i'm crashing right into you 

Buck planned on telling Eddie. Really, he did.  He was sitting in front of Conner and Kameron and hoping his smile looked real and thinking what am I gonna tell Eddie ? And then he was at the station a few days later and Hen was watching him and Eddie was venting about Chris and it became more about how can he possibly tell this to Eddie?

5. this is my family- it’s little and broken but still good

It starts with a movie night.

It’s not anything abnormal- Christopher tucked between Eddie and Buck while some Disney movie plays on the TV and Eddie tries to force himself to watch the screen rather than Buck and his son. He usually gives up before the movie is halfway done and allows himself the small luxury of simply watching as his son drifts further from him and curls deeper into Buck’s side.

6. make me a promise, tell me you'll stay 

If Eddie never sees Buck in another hospital bed again, it’ll be too soon.

He’s getting really, really sick of it, actually. Of riding in the back of the firetruck because Buck refuses to take an ambulance that “someone else might really need and, anyway, I’m fine .” Of Bobby’s hand on his shoulder, holding him back as the doctors take Buck away to do a more thorough exam, despite his protests of “ really , I’m fine , Hen and Chim already- Bobby, would you tell them I’m fine? Eddie, c’mon I don’t- guys , this is just unnecessary, seriously!” Of waiting to find out that this is the time. The time that Buck inhaled too much smoke, that he hit his head too hard, that his injuries from the fire truck had regressed.

7. can you hear me screaming (please don't leave me)

Eddie’s world shatters the moment Evan Buckley’s heart stops.

He’s standing just a few feet away, at the door to Evan’s hospital room, fist poised to knock on the door. He stands frozen as he watches the other nurses swarm around the bed, unable to move even as the doctors shove past him. There’s frantic chatter all around him, orders being shouted, instructions flying around the room. No one spares him a glance- he’s off shift. The voices fade to white noise, the only sound Eddie can hear is the monotonous beep of a flatline.

8. been here all along so, why can't you see?

Eddie doesn’t care that Buck’s dating other people. Really, he doesn’t. He’s proud of Buck for coming out and happy that he’s finally exploring what makes him happy. It just. It’s just. Buck apparently has really, really shitty taste. Like his taste in guys is somehow even worse than his taste in girls.

So, really, it’s not that Buck is dating someone that’s Not Eddie, it’s that he’s dating people that Eddie wants to punch in the face. That’s all. Because Eddie’s worried about Buck getting hurt. That’s it.

9. nothing the matter with a kiss

Eddie really has to learn to not drink when he’s with Buck. Purely because, well, when Eddie drinks it suddenly gets very, very difficult not to kiss Buck. Like, okay, it’s not that Buck’s like irresistible or anything- Eddie has some modicum of self control. But a few rounds in, when Buck’s eyes are sparkling with inebriation and he has the rose blush of being tipsy and his lips are pinker than normal, it’s suddenly extremely difficult for Eddie to look away. 

10. take my voice, i'm giving it though i don't feel safe at all

Buck can’t name this. He has no way to identify the thing that chokes him, that curls around his heart and squeezes , that floods his lungs and lies bitter on his tongue, that fogs his mind, that winds through his veins. He can’t name the beast anymore than he can name what releases it. It’s- simply put, sometimes the dam breaks. The walls he has carefully built up, the ones that hold the nameless monster at bay, they come crashing down. And they bring Buck with them. 

tagging @swiftiebuckleys @ajunerose and anyone else who wants to do this!

[christmassavestheyear]

whumptober masterlist ✮

one month, 96 prompts, 51953 words, 9 pairings, several hundred tags, 31 fics, the 911verse and a whole lot of late nights have built up my completed whumptober. daily fics, spanning the month of october and containing physical and emotional pain for 911/ls characters, that have turned into a collection of some of my best works.

all 31 works for @whumptober 2024 are listed, linked and summarised under the cut ! includes a number of fics for @jeddieweek x

you're on the other side, as the skyline splits in two 1 - race against the clock: search party, panic attack, "if only we could hold on" mcd, la + tx, hen wilson & eddie diaz, 2.8k

Eddie’s good at his job, generally; he keeps a level head with his patients, he doesn’t take risks beyond what’s necessary, and he carries more compassion than the average person, he likes to think. And his friends are good at their jobs, too. He knows that. But when things get personal, when it’s Chris or Tommy or someone from the 118 on the line, he loses sight of it all. He loses the balance, the level head, the medical training and the firefighter training, it all goes down the drain. Marjan grabs his shoulder, dragging him out of the helicopter and further down the hillside, and all the way he feels like he can’t breathe; it’s not just the smoke that’s choking him out. Or the one where Hen’s gone missing, Eddie’s trying like hell to keep his head, and desperate times create panicked firefighters.

i'm home alone, and you're god knows where 2 - trust issues: amusement park, role reversal, "you got away with crime while the knife's in my back"no warnings, tx, carlos reyes/tk strand, 1k

A small mumble, something incoherent, comes from over by the table; Carlos rounds the couch, flicking on a lamp and sighing lowly as warm light floods the room. The scene before him isn’t a regular one, but it isn’t something he’s not seen, either. Only once before, right after TK first officially moved in with him. That was one of the only times, really, that Carlos sincerely believed TK would relapse; between the closed-off air and the tinge of crushing emotion, he truly thought that that would be it. Not least because he wasn’t even sure what was wrong; he’d merely come home to find TK sitting on the floor in front of the couch, eyes bloodshot and phone sitting open in front of him. His phone, sitting open to Carlos’ texts. Or the one where TK’s past always feels like his future, and Carlos tries to undo the harm Alex did.

lay on the horn, to prove that it haunts me 3 - set up for failure: fingerprints, wrongfully arrested, "i warned you" no warnings, la, evan buckley & athena grant, 1.4k

Starting a fire, a flickering flame that eats away at not only someone’s possessions, but their past? Their home, their security, their memories? He’s spent more than half his adult life trying to save even fragments of people’s lives from the chaos of the flames, and anyone who would do the opposite, who would actively destroy them, doesn’t deserve even an ounce of his respect or kindness. So to be accused of such is not only a terrifying experience, but a personal offence, to him. Or the one where Evan Buckley is charged with arson, and he works out who his real family are.

forest that once was green, colored black by killing machines 4 - hallucinations: hypnosis, sensory deprivation, "you're still alive in my head"ptsd/discussions of dead characters, la, evan buckley & eddie diaz, 1.5k

But when Eddie turned up, when they first became close, it woke Buck up a little. He educated himself; on the troops in Afghanistan, on the tumultuous violence and the horrific sights, on the experiences of incomparable emotional and physical agony. There was more than one night, after that first shift with Eddie, where Buck would spend hours twisted in his bedsheets thinking over the pages and pages of military history and soldier accounts and articles from Texan newspapers about Eddie’s medal. He was determined, really, to understand what the man had been through; that was the only way he knew how to help, was to understand, was to learn. Or the one where Eddie’s past won’t leave him be, Buck doesn’t know how to help, and the military took more than anyone’s inclined to admit.

i'm still trying everything to keep you looking at me 5 - sunburn: healing salve, heatstroke, "if my pain will stretch that far" no warnings, la, evan & maddie buckley, 1.2k

“Evan, you cannot keep doing this.” “Get off my back.” Evan seethes, pulling out of Maddie’s touch. Her hands are cold, as is the cream she’s applying; but her touch is pressing on his back, and the ointment stings on the burns, leaving Evan gritting his teeth. “I just forgot, okay?” “It’s not okay.” Maddie insists, grabbing his wrist and holding his arm still as she spreads the white cream down his shoulder, fingers careful but firm. “D’you know what these kinds of burns can do? Melanoma, DNA damage, abnormal cell development. Photoaging. Cancer.” Or the one where Maddie’s leaving, Buck’s pissed, and the burns on the outside aren’t the ones that hurt the worst.

i keep telling myself that it's them and not me 6 - not realising they're injured: unhealthy coping mechanisms, healed wrong, "it's not my blood" blood/injury, tx, tarlos, carlos reyes & mateo chavez, 1.9k

Carlos’ knuckles are rough and tender where they meet the fabric of Mateo’s shirt, and his eyes are bleary with tears, stinging and bloodshot from the dust blowing around them. Wind whips around his ears, almost taunting him with howls that feel like agony. The pouring rain does nothing to dampen the brown grit flying through the air around them, the smack of water on the road echoing through the street, accented by screams and the distant intonation of sirens. Or the one where Carlos has to get Mateo to safety, but his own pain falls by the wayside in the process.

are you with me, are you drifting through your doubt? 7 - only for emergencies; unconventional weapon, magic with cost, "it's us or them" injury/mental illness, la, christopher diaz & evan buckley, 3.5k

These thoughts, these ideas of who he is and where he fits in, seem to sit on him a lot now. They weigh on his mind, and they’re heavy now, looking at these photographs, until Buck gives a small whisper of some choice words that Eddie would not be happy to know he’s using in front of Chris. “What?” Christopher asks, looking over to Buck until a shrill yell comes from outside his rolled-down window, and he turns to see what’s happening; most people are still in their cars, but two cars ahead a man’s climbed on the windshield of a silver Ford, face twisted in panic and shirt stained in several places. Or the one where Christopher has a lot to learn, Buck can’t be the one to teach him, and the people society shuns are the ones they end up fearing.

all of your falling, does it get exhausting, have you gotten sleep? 8 - sleep deprivation: isolation chamber, forced to stay awake, "leave the lights on" mental illness, la, evan buckley/tommy kinard, 2k

But when he swings open the loft door, he knows immediately that this is not Evan at his best; the lights are all on, which is rare, because Evan usually packs it all in for the night before Tommy gets home. The house is cold and the heatings off, the curtains are all drawn but there’s a thick wooden cutting board abandoned on the kitchen counter, two knives set on it with capsicum, carrot and zucchini. Or the one where Evan cracks under the weight of his own thoughts, Tommy witnesses his worst times for the first time, and sometimes all you can do is be there.

i'll always be looking for you in the distance, wherever i am 9 - obsession: broken window, bruises, "frame me up on the wall, just to keep me out of trouble" post mcd, tx, carlos reyes & gabriel reyes, 1.2k

Carlos knows that this investigation is beyond just him; he isn’t just out of his depth, he’s going out of his mind. Every time he thinks he understands something, there’s a fresh piece of information that changes things, a fresh perspective he hasn’t taken, a fresh alibi that wrecks his theory. If anything, having so many clues and leads should be satisfying; instead, it’s pushing him in circles of suspects and innocence, every hour spent on the case feeling the same as the one before. A waste. Or the one where Carlos is investigating his father’s case, every street leads back to the beginning, and a window takes the brunt of his frustration.

when i scream, you're my echo, will you cry if i let go? 10 - blow to the head; slurred words, passing out from the pain, "i can't think straight" + A7: no-holds-barred beatdown blood/injury, la, evan buckley & eddie diaz, 1.5k

Of course, when everything happened with the illegal boxing ring years ago, Buck was angry. At Eddie for getting mixed up in it, at Lena for her involvement, at himself, for not knowing what was going on. Eddie was putting Christopher’s last remaining parent in danger, but he was also putting Buck at the risk of losing one of the most important people in his life, and the latter didn’t know whether he was even allowed to be mad at him for that part of it all. It was frustrating, and it was overwhelming, and it was the kind of anger that sat inside Buck, like rust growing over every part of his life until all of his loved ones were red with his pain. Or the one where Christopher’s gone, Eddie returns to fighting to cope with his frustration, and the anger in Buck’s chest changes form, but doesn’t ever quite leave him.

you're not even here, but you're doing my head in 11 - seeing double; convenience store, loneliness, "leave no trace behind, like you don't even exist" no warnings, la, christopher diaz & eddie diaz, 1.5k

And Eddie thought, when Shannon left and he created this strength, this solidity, that nothing would break it. That no loss, no pain, could ever cause cracks in the foundation that was steadily built on his fatherhood. It wasn’t inherent, that strength; it was something he worked for, something he learned, and something he’d begun not to even notice. It wasn’t going anywhere, he’d thought. But then Chris left. And the strength did, too. Or the one where Christopher’s still in Texas, Eddie’s still in the convenience store, and the space between them feels infinite.

when will it stop being cool, to be quietly misunderstood? 12 - starvation: underground caverns, cannabalism, "just a little more" ednos, la, evan buckley & his parents, 1k

This idea, this thing that grew itself in his brain, started out as a tactic. A plan. A way to make his father catch his eye, make his mother look at him; not just look at him even, not look at his face, but see him, really see him. See the parts of him that aren’t all that pretty, the pieces that he hates to see in the mirror, and want it. Evan’s only ever wanted his parents to want him the way other people do, the way Maddie does, and this was supposed to help him do that. Or the one where Evan Buckley would do everything right if it would make his parents care, but he’s had to come up with other tactics.

i'm so sorry, i'm so confused, just tell me, am i out of time? 13 - team as a family: familial curse, multiple whumpees, "death will do us part" blood/injury/mcd, la, bobby nash & 118 firehouse crew, 1.2k

“I’m telling you, my name is Henrietta Wilson and I’m with the Los Angeles Fire Department. I need to speak to Bobby Nash, he’s here, he’s the technical advisor, it’s urgent, please, I need to talk to him.” “You have to go through security–” “Hen?” Bobby practically shoots out of his chair, waving away the crew and ignoring the scoff of the director on the far side of the room. “Hey, she’s a friend.” Or the one where mistakes have been made, it could cost someone’s life, and Bobby just wishes he had been there.

and i still talk to you, when i'm screaming at the sky 14 - left for dead: hunting gear, blackmail, "because i want you to know what it feels like to be haunted" post mcd/grief, tx, carlos reyes & owen strand, 1.7k

Carlos isn’t sure how he got to that point, that moment; he thought he’d done it right. He thought that he’d figured it out, he’d found the bad guy, he could take the punishment into his own hands and dish out the consequences, and it wouldn’t matter. It wouldn’t affect TK, it wouldn’t affect their yet-to-be marriage, it wouldn’t hurt him. They’ve always been separate, in his mind; his work, his family, and his Tyler. They’ve been three separate things, three separate lives that he leads, and that was how he wanted it. He’s gotten too used to one not affecting another, he realises sharply, his second whiskey pouring down his throat. Or the one where Carlos nearly makes a grave mistake, Owen tries to help him with his grief, and a man being dead doesn’t make him innocent.

wishing these memories would fade, they never do 15 - childhood trauma: painful hug, moment of clarity, "i did good, right? post cd, la, evan buckley & bobby nash, 1.6k

Given the complexities of his childhood, Buck should, in all self-honesty, be more adjusted to this idea by now. He spent his fair share of time in the emergency room or the backs of ambulances – as well as one or two cop cars, but that’s mostly irrelevant – and thus has plenty of experience watching teenagers doing the same things he did, getting hurt the same way he did. It’s been eight years since he joined the 118, and he’s had thousands of familiar-feeling calls in that time – and far more than one motorcycle crash. Or the one where the civvies are like mirrors to Buck, childhood is better remembered, and Bobby seems to know just what to say.

this is the last damn thing that i hold close to me 16 - necrosis: swamp, wound cleaning, "no, i can't feel anything' injury/infection, tx, carlos reyes/tk strand, 1.5k

It didn’t take Sherlock Holmes to work out what an effort Carlos has been making since TK voiced his concerns of them drifting apart, and the improvement has been both significant and obvious; not just in their relationship, but in Carlos’ mood, in his demeanour. Getting through sex without falling asleep has definitely gotten easier, because they just went for two rounds for the first time since their honeymoon, and Carlos is still pressing languid kisses to TK’s neck. Or the one where Carlos is insatiable, TK’s paramedic instincts kick in, and they’re as strong as ever for all their flaws.

but tonight your apartment had so much appeal 17 - nowhere else to go: ruined map, shipwrecked, "we had a good run" + A2: communication barrier addiction (ref.), tx, tk strand & nancy gillian

She was hoping that would bring a smile out, but TK’s face remains fairly stony, the quirk at the corner of his mouth coming far more from a place of politeness than genuine amusement. Nancy gestures to the sofa, and TK sits while she grabs two sodas from the fridge, passing one to him and flopping onto her beanbag in the corner with the other. Or the one where TK and Carlos broke up, Nancy doesn’t know how to help, and sometimes the only place you can go is the best place you could be.

we're too young to drown, deep in dirty waters 18 - revenge: unreliable narrator, loss of identity, "i see what's mine and i take it" + A3: finding old messages post mcd/grief, tx, carlos reyes/tk strand & gabriel reyes, 2.1k

The photographs on the walls feature a Gabriel that never existed; a man who had no flaws, a man remembered by everyone as the smartest, the strongest. A family man, apparently. It all makes Carlos scoff mentally, but then the guilt overtakes him, and he returns a few days later to assist his mother with her latest panicked dilemma. Or the one where Gabriel left certain things behind, and Carlos isn’t sure how to feel about it all.

i don't know who i would be, if you ever leave 19 - blood trail: abandoned cabin, one way out, "is there anybody alive out there?" blood/injury, tx, carlos reyes/tk strand, 1.7k

TK tries not to involve himself in Carlos’ work with the Rangers; it’s complicated, and often confidential, and rarely as life-threatening as his own work. So he tries to stay two steps back, waiting for his husband to open up, to speak his mind, to share whatever case or suspect or civilian is the owner of the weight he’s bearing at the time. It doesn’t often happen, and when it does it’s usually very little, but if he has to go away for work he always makes sure TK knows exactly where he’s going, when he should be finished, and which Rangers or police officers should be with him. Or the one where Rangers Reyes and Campbell disappear during a work trip out to the hill country, and TK takes matters into his own hands to find them.

we ain't angry at you love, you're the greatest thing we've lost 20 - emotional angst: shoulder to cry on, giving permission to die, "it's not your fault" mcd, la, evan buckley/eddie diaz, 1.4k

Which shouldn’t be such a terrifying prospect, because Buck is known also for being one to go against the odds, to fight chance, and to win. But this time, Eddie’s not so sure. Eddie’s not so sure that Buck can come back from it, this time; regardless of his pure resilience, his determination, his stubbornness, Eddie just… doesn’t see it happening, not realistically. Not knowing what he does, about Buck’s injuries and about lightning and about loss and about death. Or the one where Buck was struck by lightning, Eddie knows that he needs to let go, and sometimes it’s a disservice to keep someone’s heart beating for our own sake.

i'm a falling star, a glimmer lighting up these cotton streets 21 - body horror: tattoo gun, spirit possession, "let the bedsheet soak up the tears" + jeddie week day one: LOVE MAKES A FAMILY no warnings, la, josh russo/eddie diaz, 1.5k

“We knew he wouldn’t be all-in, straight away, though. Like, we knew that, we were prepared for that.” Eddie insists, waving at the space around him. And they did – when Christopher announced he was returning from Texas, Josh sat him down and opened the conversation of what this would mean for them. The answer was… Eddie didn’t know; but it would take Christopher at least a couple weeks to warm up to the idea, he’d guessed. “I mean, when Buck first started going out with Tommy, it took two months for Christopher to be okay with even speaking to him.” Or the one where Josh endures an awkward dinner, the jury’s still out on the Diaz-Russo family, and Eddie’s love is the best reassurance.

it's like a mountain that's been weighing on my conscience 22 - bleeding through bandages: tourniquet, reopening wounds, "oh thats not good" + jeddie week day two: TRICKS + TREATS blood/injury, la, josh russo/eddie diaz & christopher diaz, 2.1k

But this is Christopher’s first Halloween back in Los Angeles; he came home not long after Christmas, and in the months since January has returned completely to comfort in Eddie’s presence. The rift between them faded so much in the time back together that, despite Eddie insisting Christopher could go with his friends if he wanted, the teenager asked if he could go with Eddie, Josh, Buck and Tommy instead. Or the one where Christopher and his dad are finally back on balanced ground, but Eddie can’t help feeling like he’s about to wreck it all over again.

we were closer, now it's over, but it doesn't mean it's closure 23 - forced choice: public display, broken pedestal, "i'm doing this for you" post mcd/grief, la, evan buckley & eddie diaz, 2.1k

It’s no small feat, what Eddie did; the crowd filming outside caught every single moment of it all. Him running back into the building, the IC hollering through the radio for him to stop as dust billowed around the ground floor; the echo of cracking concrete grinding against itself, and the woman stumbling down the steps as it all gives way, an agonizing yell bursting out between the huge crash of rebar and aggregate before silence as the dust settled. Or the one where Eddie loses his life in the line of duty, and Buck realizes the realities of the loss.

every single thing to come has turned into ashes 24 - radiation poisoning: collapsed building, equipment failure, "i never knew daylight could be so violent" + jeddie week day four: MISSING YOU post mcd/grief, la, eddie diaz/josh russo & bobby nash, 2.1k

Buck’s voice keeps Josh up at night; the splintering, cracking of his tone and the pain when he says Eddie’s name. The howling agony that seemed to rip from his chest, his grief like a creature clawing its way out, tearing flesh in it’s desperation. And then there were the faces, from every direction; pity, and fear, and the rough impress of grief on Maddie’s expression, because this isn’t just another man down, it isn’t just another mayday. It’s Eddie. Or the one where Eddie’s been gone for a month, now, Bobby wants to offer his help, and Josh can’t work out how he’s supposed to feel.

don't tell me about your problems if you're not tryna solve them 25 - surgery: stitches, being monitored, "it's for your own good" + jeddie week day five: PET PEEVES post injury/recovery, la, eddie diaz/josh russo, 1.4k

“Eddie, I love you. And as much as it scares the shit out of me, I want you to go back to work, I know how much your job means to you, and I know that you’re really helping people by being there. But if you go back in this state, then you might not be able to do that. Or worse, you might not make it home from your shift. So cut it out, this is for your own good.” Josh hates how sharp his voice sounds when he speaks, how every line is delivered with some sort of twisted fear, but not a single word of it is a lie. Eddie’s body needs time to heal, to recuperate. Or the one where Eddie’s cabin fever is getting to him, Josh is offering the best that he can, and the best medics make the worst doctors.

and the words i most regret are the ones i never meant to leave 26 - nightmares: breakfast table, parting words of regret, "i'm haunted by the lies that i have lvoed, the actions i have hated" post mcd/grief, la, eddie diaz & carla price & evan buckley, 1.2k

Eddie hasn’t heard anything from Chimney, or Maddie, or Buck, for that matter, since he left the firehouse; the last one seems somewhat irrelevant, seeing as the last they spoke Eddie essentially told him to fuck off in the middle of a supermarket, but the chill down Eddie’s spine echoes the disturbance in Carla’s voice. And if his gut is right, if the panic creeping like sweat across his skin is warranted, then something very, very wrong has happened. Or the one where Buck loses his life right in the middle of the lawsuit, and Eddie regrets all the last words he spoke.

at the end of every road, you were good to me 27 - voiceless: laboratory, muzzled, "i have no mouth and i must scream" post mcd/grief, la, christopher diaz & firehouse 118 crew, 2k

When Buck spoke at the funeral, it became really obvious to the fifteen-year-old – and to everyone else in the room – that he was not going to be the kind of person to sit down and allow everyone to talk over Eddie’s shortcomings. He’d been pointed and harsh about the video, and he’d tried to eradicate the weird sort of savior image that’s been painted in Eddie’s memory. And it worked, mostly – people stopped acting like Eddie was some hero who died saving someone, and started really treating his death like that of a fellow human. Painful and tragic, rather than heroic and brilliant. Or the one where Christopher is feeling the loss of his father, Buck is trying his best to help, and sometimes you just don’t know what to say.

if he ain't ever coming back, i'ma need some whiskey glasses 28 - denial: cctv, exposure, "they caught me red-handed" + A9: secrets revealed substance abuse, la, josh russo/eddie diaz, 1.1k

Eddie realises exactly two things, when the pounding his head echoes back into realisation and his awareness brings itself high enough: one, he is in a bed - and two, it is not his own. The sheets against his skin are soft, an airy, light blue shade lit by the cloudy glare coming in from the window. The walls on every side are bare, painted a cool grey shade, and the furniture is all white timber. The bed creaks quietly when he sits up, and the room comes into somewhat of a focus. Or the one where Eddie got a little too out of it in a bar, Josh brought him home for the night, and it’s hard to feel valuable when you’re nobody’s first pick.

trying hard not to be, i'm better when you're next to me 29 - fatigue: labyrinth, burnout, "who said you could rest?" no warnings, la, josh russo/eddie diaz, 1.4k

And there’s something in it all, something tender and warm and caring, that Eddie loves; but it still sparks defensiveness in his chest and panic in his stomach and an independent sort of fight in every muscle in his body, pushing and pushing outwards and pressing against his brain so much it makes him dizzy, until it all spills over and bursts into too–harsh words and useless insults. Or the one where Eddie’s overworking himself just to avoid Josh, and the rift between them is more than physical.

made it out alive, but i think i lost it 30 - recovery: hospital bed, holding back tears, "what have i done?" + A11: Survivors Guilt mcd/grief, la, evan buckley & christopher diaz, 1.3k

The makeshift-hospital sheets are pooled around his hips, and the lights are a cool, sterile white, dim in the late evening; his lungs heave with his breaths, and he’s dizzy with the way everything rushes back, clarity and confusion hurtling toward him in one twisted package of a sudden flood of thought. He’s only slept for a few hours, but he feels like it’s been years – and yet he’s entirely unrested, all at once. Or the one where Christopher didn’t make it out of the tsunami, even Eddie can’t seem to blame Buck, and sometimes you just need to feel hated.

fights turn into making up, and making up turns into love 31 - asking for help: therapy, making amends, "i'm alive, i'm just not well" substance abuse (ref.), la, josh russo/eddie diaz, 1.8k

Neither of them miss the curious glance that Maddie gives them when they walk off, nor do they pay mind to it; Josh links his hand in Eddie’s and pulls him onto the floor, skin sparking like fireworks up both of their arms and the warm light of the bar bathing them in a golden glow. The bassline thumps beneath their feet, aching through Eddie’s bones and blending into the swarm of light and sound and their people around them, Buck and Chimney hollering every word of the song blaring from the speakers while Josh and Eddie jump around. Or the one where Eddie gets out of his head, Josh gets into his heart, and there’s truly never been a better dance partner.

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