#and back on topic of the vomiting i get car sick and someone gave me dramamine once

[noirhistories]

"i'm going to say that the majority of the people here are weirdos." for two reasons - firstly, why not go to a different bar with different wait staff, and secondly, they chose to live in antioch, which marks them as weird. ari is fully aware those rules mean that he counts as weird, but he has thicker skin than to be bothered by anyone thinking he's odd. "if the worst you hear about is elections, i need to know your secret." maybe max's personality was simply too loud for anyone else to get close, that was the best that ari could come up with.

reaching out to push his glass slightly on the counter, ari notes that max didn't bother to come up with a name for this one. it would probably be something fatal. exposure? bone shard? he doesn't know, and ari has never considered himself that creative, that's better left for max, who ari never guessed had the patience for a podcast. "can't say i've ever taken the time to find a crime podcast, but i used to watch crime documentaries when i couldn't sleep. typical crime of passion case?" shit like this is why people want prenups, they give financial incentive not to divorce or to murder as long as they're written up right.

as he waits for max's answer, he goes back to examining the drink, fairly certain it's bubbling. not at all ominous, he thinks picking it up to take a sip and frowning before taking another sip. "it's missing something." he eventually decides, nose wrinkling. "don't ask me what, that's your problem to solve." all in all, not the worst thing that he's drank, but he can't guarantee that he'll finish it off. "what do you call this one anyway? i need to know so i can leave a review." he says, as if there's some private max menu to order from and he doesn't routinely leave the fate of his stomach in the hands of an artist.

there's this old saying not to mix your liquor, but max has never once taken it into account. does it usually end up with him sick? yes. but consequences are a thing for the future, and max is perpetually stuck in the present—it's part of the reason he's such a poor planner. sure, he has them. but planning is for the important things in life—once in a lifetime sort of events—and nothing more. anything more sophisticated than a house party, without influence from the other side, and he flounders about like a fish out of water. or more accurately, he makes sure everyone else is floundering while he sits back and imagines himself as the sole orchestrator. given that, he has no issue with brewing ari a terrible concoction. this time, it's got tequila in it. and white rum. and club soda. and a few other things that ideally, shouldn't all be together in the same drink. it's like he's a schoolboy creating a monstrosity out of whatever the lunch ladies deem fit to serve—and just as likely to end up with the receiver hunched over the toilet. even a cursory sip has his face—turned away from everyone else—screwed up. he's just lucky it doesn't come right back up afterwards! "never claimed i didn't," he snorts, setting the poison in front of ari like it's a bomb he's not confident he's defused. "i'm half the reason this place gets any business at all. but the last thing i want to do is listen to them ramble on about elections—do you even know how many weirdos come in here?" it's a blessing and a curse that max is uninterested in politics. he knows he would make a fabulous politician (insult) but to him, it's too short-sighted. why pretend to rule a country when he can actually rule a world? "it was a murder case, actually. one of those podcasts i throw on in the back whenever we're slow. you ever listen to any of those, or do you prefer to leave the criminals at work?"

[jeankirstein4ever]

The love I paid for : Strippers and Shiganshina

+ Pairing : Modern!Eren x reader

+ Genre/ warnings : Modern au, Hard core smut Low-key smut , angst , fluff. Tw alcohol use, cursing , drug abuse strippers and sexual topics.

+ Word Count : 1.53k

(Erens Pov)

"I can't believe you Eren, you fucking cheated." "It was just one time Mikasa," She was looking at him, disbelief burned into her face. "Do you even hear yourself right now? It doesn't matter if it was just one time", the sarcasm in her words evident. "You still cheated on me, you fucking scum."  "Okay, and what do you want me to do about it", sounding bored and somewhat nonchalant.  "I-I you're unbelievable you know what we're done. I'm sick of this, I'm sick of your bullshit and being treated like crap by you."

He finally turned his full attention towards her and away from his computer, "Fine but on your way out I need you to pack your things", his voice cold and flat. She was stunned. "You're firing me?" "It's in your contract darling, I'm the reason you have this job if you lose me you lose this job."

"You know what, that's fine I don't care, You're a dick and a shit boss anyway. "Mhm'', he said, returning back to the paperwork in front of him. Mikasa turned sharply, her heels squeaking against the cold tile floor, slamming the door on her way out. Only a few minutes later Jean slowly opened the door, "What was that all about?" "She broke up with me." "Jesus, Jaeger. I'm so sorry man." "it's fine don't worry about it, but I do need your help hiring a new assistant. "Oh come on really", Jean slumped down in the leather seat in front of Eren. Eren looked at him with a quizzical expression on his face. "I just mean that's all you care about, you just got dumped by a girl you've dated for five years and your first thought is getting a new assistant." "Your point being?" "you need to take some time for yourself or do something other than work." "Shouldn't you be doing something other than giving me relationship advice? " "No, I shouldn't come on. After work me, you, Armin, Connie, Levi, and Erwin should go out and get drinks."  "No." "Come on man, it's Friday night, and you have literally no reason not to." "I have a corporate brunch tomorrow."

"Oh bullshit, come on Eren. Come out with us, we'll get drinks and it'll be fun." Eren looked at Jean knowing that he wouldn't stop bothering him until he agreed. "Fine but if anyone gets wasted I'm not driving anyone home." Jean tried to hide the growing smirk but based on the death glare provided by Eren he realized he fucked up. "Jean-" "I'm leaving, I'm leaving." Just as Eren heard the soft click of the door his phone rang, echoing in his office.

"Yes?" "Hey Eren, it's Monica." Her velvety voice made Eren freeze, "How did you get my number?" "Elliot gave it to me. So when are we meeting again dear?" "Never, don't you ever come near me. I-" "Aww come on I heard that that plank of wood you were dating dumped you. You've got no reason to not visit me." "She wasn't a plank of wood", Erens's words mumbled harshly under his breath. "As I told you what we did was and will remain a one-time thing" "Uh, huh. Darling I-" "Goodbye Monica'', then he hung up.

The rest of the day proceeded, as usual, with endless paperwork and meetings. The idea of sleep was more alluring than anything else on the planet but Eren was a man of his word and he pretty much promised to go out drinking. So when Jean and the rest of those who agreed to go knocked on his door, he reluctantly collected his things and left with them.

"So where exactly are we going?" "There's a bar on 47th and then a few blocks away there's a Strip club" Jean answered Armin's question in a sing-songy voice only to be cut off by Eren. "We are not going to a strip club." "Aww come on Eren let loose a bit" "We're not going to a strip club jean", Eren repeated firmly. "Jesus I forgot how scary you are when you're angry." We're gonna have to take separate cars since there's six of us", Jean said as they descended the elevator.

"Why not just take someone's car", prompted Armin. "I plan on getting wasted tonight, I mean I think we're all getting drunk right?, he looked around at the group. They went silent. "Awww come on guys, it's no fun if you guys don't drink." "You don't have to get wasted to have fun, I think you just have a problem", Piped Connie. Jean proceeded to death glare Connie until they got to the parking garage.

After a few moments of bickering mainly between Connie, Armin and jean they decided on getting a cab. So when the cab got there they squished into the car, Armin was practically sitting in Connie's lap, "I still don't understand why we can't just get another cab." His voice was muffled in Armin's back. "Because, brat since you all seem to not understand that in order to use a cab you need to have money to pay the cab driver, I could not afford to pay for all you brats to be seated comfortably." Levi finished a certain snark in his voice. Eren grimaced at Levi's tone, despite the fact that he was Levi's boss he had always slightly feared him. It was only a few minutes drive between the time Jean gave the directions and the time that the cab driver pulled over to let them out into the bar.

Now when Jean had mentioned that he wanted to go out drinking, Eren had in no way envisioned something classy but this, this was on a whole other level of shitty. They were in the Shiganshina District, which was known for their frequent shootings and drug rings. "Why Shiganshina?"Armin questioned, his voice shaky. "Oh, calm down Armin it's not that bad just don't do anything too stupid. "You're one to talk, Jean" Jean snapped his head back at Eren but was silenced by Connie shoving him into the bar, everyone following suit. The outside of the bar was spotless compared to the inside. The carpet flooring was caked in years worth of vomit and alcohol, the occasional spot of blood here and there. "Tch", Levi's face obvious with disgust. "I know it's not the cleanest but it was the closest to the strip club." "We're not going to a strip club." "Uh, huh", Jean pretended not to hear Erens remark and proceeded to sit down in one of the booths before pestering one of the seemingly high waitresses for a round of beers.

Eren had finished 3 beers within the first twenty minutes of them being there but that was nothing compared to the likes of Connie and Jean who had both independently downed eight beers and were working on their ninth. Considering that Eren had only drank a few beers the effects of the alcohol seemed to be working pretty fast, he was starting to feel slightly fuzzy and his thoughts seemed to be muffled under the sound of his heart and the noise of the bar.

Armin was completely trashed on the other hand, Armin as long as Eren had known him was a lightweight, he had only finished one beer and was currently nursing his second but was in a complete array of emotions. For a solid seven minutes he was laughing uncontrollably about seagulls' looks when they fly which turned into him sobbing uncontrollably about how he missed the ocean. Erwin was going on an angry rant about how mismanaged government funding was , Levi sat there silently agreeing with him the whole time.

Despite the fact that it was probably a bad idea, they continued ordering more rounds of beer until Jean began a very drunken speech. "We are brought here in sorrow and in celebration of Eren Jaeger, while he has lost his girlfriend of five years -hic- he has newly entered the dating pool and that's a cause to cheer for." The chaotic overlap of the rest of the men yelling caused the rest of the bar to look over at them. Erwin tried to drunkenly shush the group but that only resulted in them yelling louder at Erwin, "Shut up old man." "Yeah old man." The bartender glared at them, practically yelling at them , "Hey if you assholes don't shut up I'm gonna kick you out." "Yeah Jean." "Thats it all of you out." "Aww come on-" "Now."

Everyone hurried out of the bar careful not to stumble over their own feet. Armin almost face planted into the concrete but luckily Erwin was able to grab him by the back of the shirt. "Well , where do you guys wanna go now?" "Home", whined Armin. Eren felt electric, like there was a fire going on under his skin and he didn't want it to stop, he wasn't ready for it to stop. It was like the words came spilling out of him before he could understand or even think about what he was saying, "Lets go to the strip club."

[songtoyou]

Epiphany - Part Four

Paring: Luke Crain x Female Reader

Chapter Rating: PG-13

Word Count: 3,080

Warnings: Talks of drug use and recovery. Swearing and self-doubt.

Description: Life has never been easy for Luke Crain. After the death of Nell, Luke realizes that he needs to make some changes. He decided to stay in Massachusetts and attend rehab. He was determined to remain on his path of sobriety. When you get assigned to be Luke’s sponsor, it opens a new door of possibilities that neither you nor Luke expected.  

A/N: I am sorry that it has taken me so long to write and upload this chapter. I have not been feeling so good since I posted that last chapter. Lots of anxiety keeping me from doing things such as write. Anyway, here is the new chapter. I wanted to write about Aunt Janet. I felt that the show didn’t really tell us much about her except that she took care of the kids after the events of Hill House in 1992. 

Note: Italics represent the past or past conversations.

Feedback is wonderful. It is nice knowing if people are actually liking this fic.

I do not permit my work to be posted on any other site without my permission.

Tag list: @morningstar09

~Aunt Janet’s House – 2002 ~

“Luke! Hurry up, or you’re going to be late for school!” Aunt Janet yelled up the stairs.

“Luke! Come on!” exclaimed Nellie. “I’ll go check on him.”

“Thanks, sweetie,” said Janet. Her youngest nephew often worried her, especially since it was the tenth anniversary of Olivia’s death this past summer. Janet started to notice that Luke became more recluse and stayed up in his room. The only person Luke would interact with was Nell, which was not surprising to Janet. The twins only managed to become closer as they got older.

What really began to cause Janet to worry was catching Luke steal money from her purse. She asked him what he was doing and why he was stealing. However, Luke could come up with a pretty decent lie about needing money to buy flowers for Olivia’s grave.

In truth, it was to buy beer. Luke had taken a liking to the barley and hops beverage. It helped him feel numb and not worry about anything. Unfortunately, Luke had one too many beers last night and was paying for it. Nellie found him headfirst in the toilet regurgitating the contents of his late-night beer binge.

“Eww, gross. What is wrong with you?” asked Nellie. She pinched her nose as the stench of Luke’s puke was overwhelming.

“What does it look like! I’m sick! Tell Aunt Janet that I can’t go to school.”

“Luke, come on. You have missed too many days already. They’re going to hold you back another year if you miss any more school,” Nellie argued while searching through Luke’s drawers and closet for clothes.

Luke managed to get up from the bathroom floor when he felt it was safe. He rinsed out his mouth to relieve it from the after taste of throw-up.

“Come on! Get cleaned up and put these on,” ordered Nell and shoved Luke’s clothes in his arms.

Luke groaned and plopped down on his bed. “Nellie…I can’t go to school today. I’m too sick.”

“Well, your sickness is also making me sick, but I managed to get up and ready for school today. Now move it! I’ll keep bugging you if you don’t move. I’m not going to let you fall to the waste side. Do you hear me, Luke?”

“Fine! I’m getting dressed!” Luke yelled to get Nellie off of his back.

No matter what occurred between them, neither twin could ever hate the other. They were each other’s best friends and closest confidante. They had to be. Especially now that they were the last two left in Aunt Janet’s care. As soon as their eldest siblings turned eighteen, they hightailed it out of Janet’s house for college.

Luke slowly trudges down the stairs with his backpack slumped on his shoulders.

“Hey, there he is,” greeted Aunt Janet. “Would you like some breakfast, sweetie?”

“No! No breakfast,” Luke replied with his head on the table.

However, Nellie pushed a plate of dry toast in front of him and told him to at least nibble some bites. “Here’s some orange juice. Take slow sips. The last thing we need is you spewing junks in the toilet again,” whispered Nellie while Aunt Janet was in the kitchen. She would not out that her brother was hungover. That last thing Nell wanted was to cause any more trouble for Luke.

She knew why Luke did not want to go to school, and it had to do with, what else, their family. Some of the kids at school saw Luke as an easy target to bully and terrorize. The topic of their “messed-up” family was their go-to whenever they wanted to antagonize Luke. Nell often found herself a target for bullies but could stand up for herself a lot better than Luke.

With the anniversary of Olivia’s death, the bullies made it their mission to torment Luke about growing up without a mother or father. They would push him against the lockers, knocking his glasses off his face, and trip him in the hallways. It was too much to handle, and Luke was tired.

Leaning back in his chair, Luke re-read the words on the computer screen. His instructor loved the essay he turned in and advised him to expand upon it. Luke pushed aside his reservations about exploring his past traumas through writing. It was a better outlet for Luke to help cope and tackle past stressful life experiences.  Not only did Luke have support from his instructor and you, but his counselor at Banyan Treatment Center, Rob, also supported the idea of using expressive writing as a way to heal.

Luke could not deny that writing helped clear his head. Something he learned while being in rehab back in Los Angeles. It allowed him to face things from his past that he had pushed aside. However, Luke had some reservations about how much he should…open himself up when it comes to sorting out his past events. There were still things that Luke was not quite ready to face.  

Oh my God!" exclaimed Luke. "It has been a month and a half since we have seen that movie. It would be best if you got over the ending. It happened. There is nothing you can do about it."

"I can't, Luke. It was total bullshit!" you yelled back furiously.

Luke calmly said your name to get your attention. "Listen to me; we don't even know if Steve Rogers actually stayed back in time to be with Peggy. He may have…"

"Then where did he go? Huh? He just up and left his friends who he just got back. Steve and Peggy never even dated! They kissed, that is it. Yes, there was an attraction that each had for one another, but that was all it ever way…an attraction. They are a 'what could have been' type of couple—the movie completely throughout all of Steve's character development…right out the window. Whatever, I'm over it," you stated, throwing your hands up in defeat.

You and Luke were driving to his Aunt Janet's house for a visit. He mentioned to you about wanting to visit his aunt for some time but had not gotten around to it. You were surprised that he asked you to come along.

Luke mentioned that Shirley and Theo were too busy to come with him and did not want to go alone. You agreed on the condition that he drive since Aunt Janet lived an hour and a half away from Wilmington. Lately, your anxiety has been going up and down, so you were not comfortable being at the hands of the wheel, especially on the freeway. You did not understand why you had such anxiety these past few days. You chalked it up to being nervous about your final project at school. The assignment was to create a self-portrait. It should be simple enough, but of course, the art instructor wanted students to "think outside of the box" and not have it be a regular standard portrait of themselves.

Each draft you came up with was of you in some state of turmoil, whether it be you depicted on a gurney getting resuscitated from your heroin overdose or lying in a pool of your own vomit. You could not understand why this particular project was giving you such a hard time. You were three-years sober. You had a steady job and gone back to school. Your relationship with your parents was better than ever. So, why the thought of a self-portrait brought upon negative thoughts about oneself?

You mentioned your troubles to Luke, and he was very sympathetic. While he was now 206 days sober, there were times where he felt…like the achievement did not mean much.

"What do you mean by that?" you asked him while on the way to Aunt Janet's house.

"It's just…this isn't my first rodeo when it comes to recovery," Luke began to say. "There is always this little voice in the back of my head that…"

"That it is only temporary. I have that little voice too. I'm not too fond of that little voice. Three years sober, and there are times where I still feel like a total failure. I shouldn't, but…I can't help it," you revealed to Luke honestly.

"Thankfully, there is another little voice in the back of my head that gives tells me that I'm doing a good job now and then. It's just that positive little voice has been a tad quiet lately," you added.

Luke could pick up on the little defeatist tone in your voice, and he did not like it. You immediately felt his worry about you. "Hey," you said to get his attention and placed a hand on his arm. "Don't worry about me, okay. I'm fine. I have my fears like every recovering addict. It is nice to talk to someone about it, particularly someone who understands, you know. That helps."

Silence soon filled the car, but it was not awkward. You never had awkward or uncomfortable silences with Luke. For some reason, Luke was one of the few comforting presences in your life. Regardless of all of the hardships he has gone through in his life, he offered a sense of hopefulness. With his 6'3 stature, Luke really came off more like a gentle giant. It was like he did not view himself as this grown tall man, but probably still felt like that little kid hiding under the bed from the "Tall Man" at Hill House.

"Luke," you said to get his attention. "Are you happy?"

"No," he replied immediately, then clarified when he saw the look you gave him. "I mean, am I happy that I am over 200 days clean, then yes I am, very much so. But…I don't know, there is a small part of me that is scared to be happy…to be content in fear of something going wrong."

When Luke pulled the car into Aunt Janet's driveway, the older woman immediately came out of the house to greet her youngest nephew.

"There he is, my little boy," she said and wrapped her arms around Luke, which he reciprocated.

"Hi Aunt Janet, how are you?"

"I'm fine, darling. How have you been?" Aunt Janet asked, pulling away to get a good look at Luke. He looked much better than he did at Nell's funeral.

"Good. I'm doing good. Everyone is doing…fine," Luke replied, then turned towards you. He introduced you as his friend and not his sponsor to his Aunt, which kind of surprised you.

"So nice to meet you," said Aunt Janet taking your hand. She motioned for you both to follow her into the house. "I hope you both are hungry. I made an array of sandwiches and salads for lunch. Luke, I also made your favorite…chocolate pecan pie bars."

"Thank the Lord because he was hoping you would make them on the car ride here. It was all he talked about?" you teased.

"Once you have one, then you will know what I am talking about," Luke responded with a smile.

Aunt Janet lead you both into the kitchen.

"Can I use the bathroom to freshen up?" you asked her.

"Oh yes, dear. It is down that hallway, the first door to the right," told Aunt Janet as she showed you where to go. "Luke, you should probably wash your hands first," she added.

"Yes, Aunt Janet," he said and went to the sink to wash his hands.

When you were no longer in earshot, Aunt Janet stood beside her nephew and said, "Your friend seems really sweet."

Luke could not hold back his smile, "Yeah, she is genuinely nice. She's fun to hang out with. We have a lot of the same interests. Shirley and Theo have met her as well," he mentioned and shared that both of his sisters really liked you.

Aunt Janet turned her head to see if you came if you were around the corner. When you were not, she leaned over to Luke and said, "Very pretty too. She'd make a lovely…"

"Aunt Janet, she is just a friend. I can't date her anyway. She's…they say you shouldn't date anyone while still in recovery."

"I'm so proud of you," Aunt Janet said as she placed the food on the kitchen table. "You are becoming the man I always knew you could be."

Luke would be lying to himself if he denied that there was some form of attraction that he had for you, both physically and emotionally. He knew that the feelings that he was slowly developing towards you could be considered wrong. You were his sponsor…a dedicated one at that too. It would not be right for him to act on any attraction he may have for you—no doubt, that you would not reciprocate them, which would be disappointing to Luke.

"Better to just suffer in silence," Luke thought to himself.

"Don't you want a girlfriend? A family of your own someday?" asked Aunt Janet.

"Yeah…maybe. Someday. I'm just learning to take care of myself without drugs in my system. There is no way I can be a dedicated father or husband to anyone… at least not right now. I am still a work in progress," Luke admitted to his aunt. "I do like…" But Luke stopped when he heard your footsteps approaching.

"Oh, my goodness. The pictures on the wall… I'm assuming the little kid with glasses is you, Luke."

The three of you sat around the kitchen table with your plates stacked with delicious food.

"Luke was the absolute cutest kid. He had a little lisp as well," Aunt Janet shared. "I have more pictures of the kids if you would like to see them?"

"Yes," you replied ecstatically.

"No," Luke disputed, "We are in the middle of eating."

"We can multitask. Let's see those pictures," you asserted gleefully while Aunt Janet got up from the table.

With a belly full of food, the three you were now sitting outside on the patio, drinking tea, and eating Aunt Janet's yummy chocolate pecan pie bars. You already looked through three photo albums that showed Luke and his siblings' younger years.

"I wanted to take as many pictures as I could of the kids. They hated it, but I told 'em they would appreciate it when they got older," expressed Aunt Janet. "Here's a picture of Nell on her wedding day. That's her husband, Arthur. Sadly, he passed away a couple of months after they got married. But…they are together now."

You looked at the photo of the young couple. Nell looked very much like her older sisters and her mother. You could tell that there was a kindness about Nell just by looking at the picture. She was the type of person to go above and beyond for her family and even strangers. Luke would say that Nell was just that type of person to care about everyone, no matter who they were or where they came from.

Luke did share with you that one of his biggest regrets was not going to Nell's wedding. He said that he tried, but Shirley told him to leave. Luke said that it was for the best and that he was in no right state of mind to support his twin the way she deserved on her wedding day.

Thankfully for Luke, Nell understood and held no hard feelings. She never did when it came to her other half.

Aunt Janet began to sniffle, and when you looked up from the photo, you saw the older woman dab her eyes with a napkin. Out of instinct, Luke grabbed his Aunt's tiny hand and squeezed it with his as a way to show support. Just as he was Aunt Janet's little boy, Nell was her little girl. She was the one to raise them, take care of them, and guide them into adulthood.

None of the Crain children were perfect; they were far beyond that notion. However, there is no denying that if they did not have Aunt Janet take care of them and love them, they could have been worse off. Luke had the overwhelming feeling of guilt encompassing him at the moment as Aunt Janet tried to hold back her tears.

You instantly looked up at Luke. You could feel his sense of guilt towards the way he treated his aunt while growing up. He looked over at you. It was a silent conversation you both were having between one another. You mouthed, "Do you want me to go?" so he could have this moment alone.

With a shake of his head, 'No,' Luke spoke up to get his aunt's attention. "Aunt Janet…I'm sorry. I'm sorry for…for all the Hell I put you through while living here. You did so much for Nell and me, and the others that I…shit all over it. I stole and lied to you like it was my job. You deserved better. I just want you to know that…me getting hooked on drugs…well…that was…no matter what had happened…it was my choice to go down that path of destruction. I love you, Aunt Janet, and I am so appreciative of the sacrifices you made for my siblings and me. I wish that I weren't such a fuck up…"

"Oh sweetheart, no, you are not a…fuck up," Aunt Janet interjected and continued, "Not at all. I love you so much that…I would do anything for you, you know that, right? Your childhood is in the past. It happened. It is a part of you. The fact that you are continuing to remain clean after all that has occurred…well, that is something you should be most proud of. It shows that you are dedicated to your sobriety and turning your life around. No one said this process was easy, but you stayed the course and continued to make good decisions. As I told you earlier, you are becoming the man I always knew you could be."

"Now, I'm going to cry," Luke giggled as he dabbed his eyes with a napkin. "I didn't mean to turn this into a sob fest, but I wanted you to know that I'm sorry for what I put you through and that I love you very much, Aunt Janet."

Aunt Janet emerged from her seat to wrap her arms around her nephew and kiss the top of his head. It was a sweet moment to witness.

[chilling-seavey]

Qui Totum Vult Toum Perdit (d.s.) - 7

A/N Guilty or generous 

Warnings: This story is centered around a murder so there will be graphic descriptions of blood, death/manslaughter, dealing with corpses, possible domestic abuse (physical/verbal), crime/covering up a crime, shock/grief, and other possibly heavy or triggering topics. Please read at your own discretion.

One thing my parents always taught us while we were growing up was, when traveling, to never stay at the cheapest hotel. By no means should we break the bank to stay at a five-star resort but there was usually nothing good that came out of the cheapest option. I could see what they meant as Jonah and I climbed the metal stairs of the Lincoln Motel, the white paint peeling from the handrails and the steps creaking with each footfall. Once having been on the cover of Forbes, I no longer really needed to follow that guidance that my parents engrained in us since I could afford all the five-star hotels and resorts I so desired to stay at.

I mean, to be brutally fair, dear reader, my parents also taught us not to murder our spouses; so who knew how many lessons of theirs I had ignored in my lifetime.

I triple checked that my car was locked as we reached the top of the flight of stairs and headed down the carpeted outdoor hallway. Anyone who uses carpet outside should honestly not be trusted. This place already left a bad feeling in my stomach. Would saying it gave me murder house Psycho vibes be in poor taste? Possibly? Then please disregard that statement.

Number nineteen was right in the middle of the hallway. The brass number nine was set slightly crooked on the door. I caught myself tilting my head with its direction as if I were trying to stall. I swear if the person on the other side of the door slept with my wife I…I didn’t know what I would do but the thought of it made me sick.

“Are you going to knock?” Jonah tore me from my thoughts.

I swallowed thickly, “Yeah.”

I raised my fist to the orange painted door and rapped a quick knock before taking a little step back. I habitually glanced over the railing to make sure no one was getting too close to my car.

The sound of the door creaking open had me turning back quickly to see who was on the other side. I expected a man and that’s who I was met with, simply the first glance of him making my jaw clench protectively.

He was short. Brown hair. Brown eyes. His patterned button up was undone halfway. Arms and neck littered in random tattoos. I eyed him up for a moment.

“Can I help you?” he asked, an obvious confused edge to his voice.

“Yeah, do you know an Avalon Seavey?” I pushed back at him strongly. I couldn’t help but straighten up around him just to have those few inches above him.

“Avalon? Yeah, I know her enough. Why?” he looked between Jonah and me.

I took off my sunglasses and tucked them in the collar of my shirt to see him better in the shadow of the motel balcony.

“I’m her husband.”

“Daniel.” he breathed with realization, his eyebrows raising as he stared at me.

“Yeah. Daniel. Who are you?” I asked sharply.

Jonah didn’t intervene through my anger, in fact, he looked just as concerned as I felt. I appreciated his willingness to let me have my moment to interrogate this guy.

“I’m Jack. How did you find me here?”

“I found your address in her phone.” I added.

“Oh, what a nice non-toxic relationship you have.” Jack mumbled.

“Excuse me?” I took a quick step towards him but Jonah grabbed my arm and yanked me back.

“I was not sleeping with your wife if that’s what you’re here getting all macho protective douche-bag about.” Jack assured me coolly. “We had nothing more than a professional relationship.”

I crossed my arms over my chest, staring at Jack’s unimpressed flat expression. He didn’t seem to be one to be phased by anything.

“Professional over what?” I pressed.

“Does Avalon know you’re here?” he ignored my question while he peeked around me as if to see her down the hallway or in the parking lot below.

I didn’t flinch as he looked around me. Little did he know that she was in fact right there with us.

“She’s dead.” Jonah answered.

I hadn’t realized I hadn’t replied to him for a few too many seconds but Jonah’s blunt response certainly brought be back to reality. I snapped my head towards him. Since when did we agree we were going to be telling people that?

“Oh.” Jack said flatly. “That sucks. I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Yeah…well…I wanted to see who you were…so…” I stumbled out ungracefully, rubbing the back of my neck anxiously with one hand. I dropped it with a sigh to my side again, “We’ll be going.”

“Hang on. Come in for a second.” Jack offered, stepping to the side and pushed the door open wider to let us on. “I gotta show you something.”

Jonah and I glanced at each other briefly before silently deciding to follow him into the motel room. I peeked over my shoulder to my car down in the lot once more before stepping over the threshold.

Jack seemed to sense my hesitation as he closed the door behind us, “I won’t keep you long. A nice car like that won’t last long around here unsupervised.”

I swallowed thickly, watching him walk across the messy motel room to the closet. Jonah and I stood just inside the door and the first thing I noticed was the bright teal wallpaper that even covered the ceiling, so bright and neon it was nearly blinding and it did not match the dark red floral print carpet at all. The bed had red bedsheets and a dark mahogany headboard that was more 1960s mirror panel than wood and beside it sat a single small round table with a fold out chair and a rotary phone on top. The bathroom sink and light oak vanity was outside of the bathroom in the main room which right away was another turn off to this already run-down place. I was no decorator, dear reader, but the sight of this motel room was nearly nauseating. And that’s said by someone who had a dead body stashed in their car trunk.

As Jack shuffled through the bi-fold closet for whatever he was looking for, I took a moment to take in my surroundings for more than just the initial shock of colour and pattern vomit that filled the place. The neon 80s themed picture above the bed was of the New York skyline which was strange since we were in Los Angeles, and the fact that there were two more mahogany framed mirrors along the other walls was unsettling. I tried not to meet my own reflection.

Jack had a suitcase laid out beside the mahogany dresser and it was tossed open and clothes were haphazardly thrown about it but the suitcase wasn’t the only spot for fabrics as every other available surface – including the small table in the corner – housed various piles of fabric scraps and scissors and pins and needles. The worst of it was the few bare mannequins laying under the window adjacent to the door.

“So…” I started slowly, turning back to Jack whose back was still turned to us, “How did you know my wife?”

“My business.” Jack answered. He pulled a jacket on a hanger from the back of the closet and dropped it on the table right on top of all the scraps and pins and mess. He grabbed one of the many pairs of scissors that were scattered around and snipped a few things that I couldn’t see from where we stood.

His dry answers to our questions had Jonah and I more suspicious as the time went past but we waited to give the guy the benefit of the doubt.

Jack finally turned around with a small smile and picked up the hanger to turn and face the black denim jacket towards us, “I’m a bit of a fashion designer I guess you can say and Avalon found my page on Instagram a few months back and she got in touch with me about making you a custom jacket.”

I didn’t know what to say. In all the words I could use, perfect was the only one that came to my mind as I stared at the jacket in his hand. Someone might see it as a mess of things but it was just my taste; chaos enough to pass as designer even. It housed red x’s painted over the right shoulder and a single white stripe down the left side that matched my surname on the bottom right front panel. He made sure to show each of the denim sleeves, cuffed at the bottom in black and red plaid and the left wrist had ‘honey’ printed in small white font – the nickname I always called her. The other sleeve had matching vertical white font spelling out ‘Only the Beginning’ which was the name of Jonah and my very own record company; the company that always caused the most hostility between Avalon and me. Jack finally turned the jacket around to show the back, the shoulder section sewn over with a lace that looked a hell of a lot like Avalon’s wedding dress and I found myself stunned into shocked silence. It was incredible.

I walked into that motel with no hopes of any sort but what I seemed to find amidst those disgusting teal walls was better than I ever could have expected.

I took a step forward to take the jacket from him, grazing the sleeve ever so gently with my fingers as if it were going to break under my touch. Jack passed it over and helped me slide it on to make sure it fit. He brushed his hands over my shoulders and down my back to smooth it out and directed me to one of the many mirrors that were glued to the motel wall.

“That jacket is fresh.” Jonah said.

“It’s…gorgeous.” I agreed softly, turning slightly to see the back in the mirror.

Jack spoke next as he watched me admire his work, “She worked me into the ground for this one. I kept having to restart because she kept saying it wasn’t perfect enough…I lost a fuck ton of materials and money through that…ended up getting evicted from my place because I wasn’t earning money to pay rent which is why I’m living in this shithole now but…she was adamant. Said it had to be perfect for you. We were going to meet up one last time once you two got back from your trip but…” he faded out with a sigh.

I turned to him, “You were evicted?”

“Oh,” Jack shrugged as if it was no big deal and sat down on the end of the bed, “Yeah. She said she couldn’t pay me right away and I assured her it was no big deal but then when money got tight I felt badly to ask for an advance. She was my only client, ya know? She worked me hard enough anyway to pass as my only customer but…with no pay…landlord ended up kicking me out and this was the cheapest place in the whole county. It’s such an absolute fucking dump here that my daughter isn’t allowed to come visit me until I get back on my feet…court said something about unfit living situations or some bullshit. Not like my ex needs anymore reasons to talk shit.”

“Shit…bro…I’m sorry.” I breathed.

“What can ya do?” Jack shrugged, sucking his teeth with a shake of his head. He stood up from the end of the bed, offering a dry, “She’s dead now anyway so…”

I turned to Jonah who gave me a look as if to just get out of there but I looked back in the mirror at the jacket I wore.

Goddammit.

I spoke to Jack through the mirror, “Do you take PayPal?”

Detective Team: @jonahlovescoffee​ @randomlimelightxxx​ @stuffofseaveyy​ @hopinglimelight​ @tempus-ut-luceant​ @br4nd1s​ @xkelsev​ @hiya-its-amber​ @sexyseavey15

[vaguewrites]

Birthdays

((Cry of Monsters/Afraid of Fear crossover. Very much an au fic where the accident never happened and David and Sophie are siblings. This is so self-indulgent, I just wanted to write the guys on their first kinda date.)) 

Growing up, he never celebrated his birthday much. If his mom remembered, there’d be a store-bought cake on the kitchen table when he got home from school. He can count on one hand the number of times there was a store-bought cake. Sophie tried to celebrate his birthday once, in college, with some cookies she’d made from scratch. They’d burned in the oven and were hard to chew but he ate every single one of them. Then threw up in the bathroom but he never told her that, still hasn’t actually. Doctor Purnell got a good chuckle out of that story, then asked Simon how he felt having his birthday remembered, how it felt to have someone do something nice for him. It didn’t dawn on him until then how many birthdays he’d spent alone, doing nothing and having nothing to look forward to. He’d thought it was normal. 

The year after the cookie incident, Sophie was sick with flu but sent him a happy birthday text. The weekend after that, she invited him out to lunch, but she wasn’t alone. Seeing the guy with her made Simon’s chest clench. He almost wanted to turn heel and go home, maybe tell her he was sick and couldn’t make it, but she caught eyes with him and waved, and he had no choice but to wave back and walk over to them. Each step felt as though he were weighed by bricks, but he forced a smile, dropped his shoulders, and let Sophie introduce him to her… Brother. 

Just her brother. Simon almost sighed with relief, the weight lifted from him almost immediately. The man was about a foot taller than Simon, dressed in a black hoodie and tracksuit and sporting a mean-looking scar dragging down one cheekbone. Simon almost couldn’t believe that he and Sophie were related. She was so soft and sweet, cute too, with mousy brown hair and a button nose, whereas her brother was sharp, hard edges, shaggy red hair and eyes so deep and dark they were almost black. Yet, Simon spent most of that conversation staring at him rather than Sophie. And the guy stared right back. 

“This is David,” Sophie had said, one hand patting the guy… David’s… shoulder, “He’s just on his break. I wanted you to meet him.” 

He didn’t ask at the time, purely because he didn’t want to come across as rude to both her and her brother. But he’d find out a few months later when Sophie told him she was moving. She’d been accepted to a better college, one where she could pursue the courses she really wanted. And she didn’t want Simon to be left alone again. Simon broke down when she told him, he tried getting her to stay, tried to tell her he loved her. Sophie didn’t love him back. 

The next year, on his nineteenth birthday, he took a walk downtown, the night air crisp and cool and quiet. He was alone again, only this time he realized it. And he hated it. He wanted to call Sophie, tell her he was sorry, but what good would that have done? He was a year too late for that. Still, he took out his phone anyway and searched through his pitifully small contact list. His mom was working the night shift, Doctor Purnell told him he could call anytime but Simon didn’t want to bother him this late. That was when he came across the number he’d forgotten he had. David’s. The man had given Simon his number just before he left, telling him to call him sometime. Simon never did. In fact, looking at the number made knots twist in Simon’s stomach. He stood there on the main street, thumb shaking over the “call” button. A car sped past and made him jump, almost dropping his phone. His thumb landed on “call” before he could stop himself and Simon’s heart lurched as his phone rang. Instead of ending the call he stared at the screen, fear, dread, and embarrassment all rolling together in an ugly cocktail of fuck that made Simon want to vomit. His hands were sweating so bad he almost dropped the phone again. Then David answered. 

“Hello?” Oh, God. Simon wanted to hang up. He wanted to hang up so bad and pretend this never happened and go home and crawl under his bed covers and sleep away this shithole day.

“Hey,” he said instead, voice small. 

“...Hello?” David’s voice came again, and Simon’s heartbeat quickened. “I can’t hear you. Who’s this?” 

“Simon… You know… Sophie’s friend.” Simon swallowed thickly. 

David was quiet for a few seconds. “Simon? Yeah, I remember you. Shit, been a while. Uh, how’re you doing?” 

“Okay.” The tension slowly rolled off Simon’s body the more he heard David speak. Even though they’d only spoken once a year ago, the way David was talking to him now was like they were old friends. “Uh… Are you doing anything?” 

“Right now? No. I’m just on my way home from work. Why, did you want to do something?” 

“Maybe. I don’t know.” 

David was quiet again, only this time there was rustling on the other end. “Shit. Sorry, just checking something. Yeah, how about we get something to eat? Do you like pizza?” 

“Y-yeah. Pizza sounds good.” 

“Okay. Where are you? I’m just cutting through the park now.” “Main street. I can meet you there.” 

“Alright. See you.” 

“Bye,” Simon hung up, his heartbeat fluttering. God, what the hell did he just do? His hand shook as it held the phone, damn near dropping it again before shoving it into his pocket. Thoughts of running back home anyway and pretending nothing happened flashed in his mind. And shit, it was tempting. Thinking about meeting up with David, alone, right now had his heartbeat thudding so fast he could feel it in his throat. Fuck, it would’ve been so easy to run away and hide, to ignore David for the rest of his life, but Simon found himself walking towards the park anyway. The streets were empty and a cool wind swept in, rustling the tree branches and making the leaves shiver and dance. He would’ve liked the gentle calmness of it all if it weren’t for the twist in his stomach, both fear and… Excitement? Maybe? All buzzing together in his blood. Hot and cold and terrifying and thrilling and all of it made Simon’s head dizzy. He wasn’t sure what the fuck he felt anymore. 

David stood by the entrance, pizza box in hand, wearing the same hoodie and tracksuit Simon first met him in and puffing on a cigarette. Simon approached slowly, hands shoved in his pockets and hood pulled up. His face burned. 

“Hey,” David said, slow and easy. 

“Hey,” Simon’s voice came out small and weak, he coughed, “Hey.” 

David’s lips quirked at the corners. “Hope you don’t mind pepperoni,” he tapped the box. 

“You got it already?” 

“From work. They didn’t come in for their order so that means one of us gets to take it home. I drew the lucky straw.” 

“Oh.”

David beckoned him to follow, so Simon did, and together they headed to the picnic area inside the park. The benches were old, worn and covered in graffiti, but still better than sitting in wet grass. They ate and talked, well, mostly David talked, about work, his friends, stupid stuff he did when he was a teenager. He was twenty-five, six years older than Simon, and thinking about going back to school and finishing his degree. Sophie was never mentioned once, and Simon couldn’t tell if David was deliberately avoiding the topic. 

Simon mostly listened, sometimes he asked questions, but he didn’t talk about himself much. They were down to their last two slices of pizza and David was handing him a cigarette when it slipped out. 

“It’s my birthday today.” 

David blinked. “Is it?” His fingers brushed Simon’s and they were warm and rough and made Simon’s heartbeat stutter. “Happy birthday!” 

“Thanks,” Simon tried to ignore how cold his hand felt when David pulled away. He lit the end and inhaled the cigarette smoke deeply, let it burn and curl inside his lungs before exhaling slowly. 

“Got any plans?” David asked. 

Simon gestured to the table. 

“This?” David raised a brow. “Well, had I known this was a birthday pizza picnic outing thing, I would’ve brought candles. Maybe a cake.” 

“I don’t like cake,” Simon said, taking another deep drag. 

“What do you like, then?” 

Simon glanced at David and tried to ignore the tingling in his stomach. “Don’t know. Stuff.” 

“Helpful,” David snorted, and Simon couldn’t help but smile back. “All right, next time I’ll bring some stuff and you can decide what you like.” 

“Next time?” Simon’s breath almost caught in his throat. 

“Yeah. Next time,” David smiled again and inhaled from his own cigarette. “Unless you don’t want to.” 

“No… I mean… Maybe?” A questioned gnawed at the back of his skull and it fell out of his mouth before he could reign it in. “Is it a date?” 

David watched Simon carefully as he smoked, those dark eyes seemed so intense but instead of feeling intimidated, Simon only felt warmth. “Depends. Do you want it to be?” 

Simon bit his lip again. “I don’t know. I’ve never… Not with a guy… Or a girl.” 

“I have. With both. Honestly, there’s not much difference to me. But nothing has to happen if you don’t want it to.” 

“I’m not sure…” 

“That’s okay.” 

“No, that’s not… I think I want to but I’m scared. No one has ever made me feel this way, not even-” He almost said Sophie’s name, but bit it back. David tilted his head. 

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” 

Simon didn’t reply. He stared down at his hands, feeling stupid and small and pathetic in front of David. Then David’s hand rest on his and gave a gentle squeeze. Simon didn’t pull away. 

“You’re thinking too deeply into this. Nothing serious has to happen. We can keep this light and casual, test the waters you know? And if you’re still confused or uncomfortable we can break it off and just be friends.” 

Simon looked back up to find David watching him earnestly. He smiled, and Simon swallowed nervously before giving a short nod. “Yeah, okay.”

[judgement-free-sideblog]

The enemy of love is the truth

Pairing: Tom Hiddleston x reader

Summary: They were happy just as friends, but one morning the call from an old trauma may change everything.

Warnings: Alcohol consumption, history of drug use, mental health issues, cursing, angst.

This one is extremely long but I love the final result, the next chapter will be the end, thank for reading, comments are more than welcome.

■Part I  ■ Part II ■Part III ■ Part IV ■ Part V ■ Part VI■ Part VII ■ Part VIII | Final ■

Part V

"And you didn't kiss, again?" Zawe said, she took a sip from her wine glass and take her hand to her forehead with exasperation. "This has been going on forever now, I'm done, Caroline you take care now"

"Don't look at me, I basically push them together what else can I do? Lock them inside my office? Trust me I have thought about it." The other woman said.

"Excuse me, I'm still here and I can hear you" Y/N said questioning why did she agree to have lunch with them in the first place, however she had chose to only tell them about the invitation to an ex's wedding and the late tea at Tom's flat and not a single thing else "And what does again is supposed to mean?"

"New year two years ago" Caroline started "I was dating that gorgeous Greek guy with the most beautiful abs I have ever seen, and everyone kissed at midnight, and what did you do? You leave the dance floor to go vomit in my bathroom"

"Oysters and champagne don't mix" Y/N said getting red remembering the night "And Stavros was only kind of hot" she add making Caroline sigh with pretend indignation.

"What about january last year?" Zawe continued "Bobby was sick and he was on call for his last movie, and you take a week off to stay at his place to help him out"

"First of all I love that dog, and I did that for him more than for Tom, and second I didn't stayed at his place" She answered knowing pretty well she was lying "I only get there super early and went out late at night, but I would have done that for you guys too"

They continued laughing and talking about nothing in particular, with the subject coming up time to time, they meant well and Y/N knew it, even if they didn't knew the whole story.

"Being honest he is as guilty as you are" Caroline said signaling the waiter to get the check. "Last year on November you were at that gynecology symposium on Madrid, and he acted like he was losing his mind until he got in to a plane to met you there, and what brilliant excuse did he give you? He said he needed a flu shot and don't trust his doctor here, also all those times he had crashed at your apartment are total bullshit I was with him the other night and he didn't have a single drop, and I'm getting tired of helping him pretend he does"

"Oh please stop it already" they were walking towards Zawe's car and she was as amused to find the truth about that obvious lie as she was exasperated by her friends "You are right ok? at least on my side. I have been childish about all of this. But if I'm honest I don't know what could I do? In the end I'm still a general practitioner from a tiny hospital and he is Tom Hiddleston"

"Well darling, he could be the sound engineer of the theater or the Prime Minister himself" Said Zawe once they were inside the car "He still is crazy about you. What you have to do is take the leap, talk about it like adults, go to the bloody wedding and enjoy yourself without thinking of anyone else"

"And for once don't run away like a scared chicken when things get personal" Caroline said happy that she finally was able to acknowledge her feelings.

"Sure... why not? By the way I been meaning to tell you something..."

The conversation fade away in other topics, a few more relevant than others, but Y/N mind was far away in the past thinking of the last time she risked all for him and how tremendously wrong it all have turn out.

They had agree he will pick her up at her place, after the most demanding shift she ever had, she took a quick shower and put on a flowy dress, and her coat, and in an effort to look more decent a pair of earrings.

She was trying desperately to make her makeup work when an alarm went off in her phone, a reminder to make a call and before she could think it trough she was already listening the dial tone, praying for him to don't pick up.

"Hi there" his voice finally said when she was about to hang up "so glad to hear you. It's everything alright?"

"Completely, how about you? Did you change your job as you wanted?" She said, now trapped in the conversation.

"I did, and them I changed it again, that's why you should call people more than once a year, otherwise you never know the full story. What's new with you?"

"I start working part time at a theater, as a personal doctor for the manager" she said getting close to what she wanted to say to him.

"Oh that's great, have you met someone interesting there? Are you dating some gorgeous Shakespearean actor... actress??" He still knew her well enough to make things easy for her to talk about.

"I do, in fact I have a date... soon, it's that ok?" She said the last a bit doubtful, she didn't want to hurt him again.

"That's amazing Y/N" David said sincerely "And relax, is not me who you should be worried about, I want you to be happy, just don't go sabotaging things like you use to. I love you girl, but if I'm honest I think you chose to be miserable even when other people try their best to make you happy"

They talked for another couple minutes and when she finally said goodbye his words kept resonating in her mind, but he was wrong, it was not sabotaging, it was self preservation, like this stupid idea of a date. She was quite sure he was trying to make her feel less ashamed for her drunken advances on him, a nice dinner, some talking so she could go on with her life thinking "It simply didn't work, but he is such a nice man"

And she hated herself for ending up in such pathetic position, thinking of how much fun tom must have had watching her making a fool of herself. She was determined then to call off the date, make a graceful scape before she could embarrassing herself but before she could called him there was a ring at her door.

He was gorgeous of course, his beard as well maintained as always and his hair combed to de back of his head in beautiful waves that she wanted to touch since the first time she saw him. He was wearing a coat over a simple dark grey shirt and jeans.

He smiled fondly at her when he saw her, there were dark circles under her eyes and he thought they looked beautiful, something refreshing about a woman who worked that hard on something that she loved.

Y/N intrigued him, she seemed to live like a mature functioning adult, but there was a childish sparkle in her eyes when she started to talk that made him want to know more about her, but then that ever present hint of sadness always refraining her to talk to much, all of which made her the most interesting puzzle.

"Something in mind you would like to eat?" He asked once they were inside his car, with his tinted windows up, he liked driving alone, but he liked his privacy more and they have proven to be an effective solution.

"Not really, anywhere you pick will be fine" she said smiling and he drove to a nice restaurant, making small talk about work, their mutual friends and the weather.

Once they arrived the valet took his keys and gave her what he thought was a meaningful almost impertinent smile.

"I really need to apologize for my behavior" She started once their food was ordered and the waiter had served them two big glasses of wine "It was inappropriate for me to act like that. I am deeply sorry"

"Don't be, we were all a little drunk. But it was nice talking to you" they ate in silence, other than, what she felt, empty mutual compliments on each others carreras. Proving what she had fear since the night before. Until he finally spoke again "I've been meaning to ask you, did you enjoy the play?"

"Absolutely, Mister Cox and Miss Ashton are outstanding, and you obviously it's an incredible play, all things considered" she said taken aback by the question and cursing herself for the last part.

"What things considered?" He asked now genuinely intrigued.

"Oh I'm sorry, I misspoke, it's something stupid actually" she said nervously trying to avoid his gaze and failing.

"Come on, I'm a big boy, I can take some criticism" he lean back on his chair and open his arms, as if he waited for a punch, his eyes still fix on Y/N.

"Ok, but do notice this is coming from Y/N the feminist doctor who spend her free time protesting and not Y/N the fan of theater and literature." She said finally looking back at him decided "I think somehow it demonizes Emma's betrayal and eventual "punishment" while it glorifies the male ego of the two men. And also Robert Down is a prick"

He opened his mouth slightly surprised and then closed his lips in a thin line and let go a chuckle, with a mild blush crossing his face.

"Auch" He said finally, "Well it's and old play... and he amm of course is not a good person, I guess if you are not familiarized with Pinter's work you may have that kind of conclusion"

He had trouble finding his words to debate her, although he was impressed with her honesty, but since it was a sensible matter he wanted to be clear, however Y/N interpreted as him trying to dismiss her statement and change the subject, which put her one step closer to anger.

"You really are that nice aren't you?" She started, with her voice cold and sharp "And I don't mean it as a compliment, but you are right. I don't know Harold Pinter's work but I do know he is factually wrong, there's no deep intricate meaning behind betrayal, in the end is quite simple, people can't make the choice of remaining truthful either to themselves or the people who they love without being bitches about it. You like to shag around no strings attached fine do that don't complain is it doesn't feel like a home, you want a successful marriage fine forget about any other bloody temptation and be decent. But I guess in the end lies are what keeps people together. Once the truth is out, love dies and so the relationship" he was astonished, however the passion in her voice made him answered to her in a similar tone, changing completely the direction he had imagine for the evening.

"Don't be absurd, that would imply people need to systematically lie in order to keep their relationships, if anything the play is a critique on those precise actions, while normal people try to have loving relationships in honesty, even when sometimes is easier to say a lie. And there's a complete difference between lying to save your arse and conceal your dishonesty, and lying to be socially functional"

"So you never lie?" She asked now completely furious of what she felt was hypocrisy.

"Everybody lies, that's the point, there is a difference in being oblivious on other people's feelings imposing your wrong personal opinions and pretend that's some moral high honesty, and being polite enough to avoid subjects that may hurt others" He said now crossing her arms, pleased with her momentary silence until she start to look for something in her purse trying to hide the hurt in her face.

"Exactly" She said finally putting a couple £50 notes on the table and looking at him with anger in her eyes "Like asking stupid women out so they don't feel like total idiots for hitting on you while they were drunk? That kind of politeness?"

"What?" He said flabbergasted finally rising his voice "That's why you think I asked you out?"

"Oh don't patronize me!" She said also rising her voice and standing up "It must've been so funny, asking a girl who is obsessed with you on a date, what amazingly beautiful act of chivalry. You know what you are? You are an entitled selfish bastard, who gets off on the world worshiping him." She took her purse of the table and put her coat back on, and before leaving she add "And men can't be feminist, you would know that if you read a book on feminist theory instead the glorified misogynistic bastards you adore"

She quickly move away from the table leaving a perplex Tom behind, but before she could exit the restaurant he started following her, reaching her just a couple meters from the valet parking station next to the restauran small planters.

"Oh this is very mature of you" he called her "You owe me an explanation"

"I don't owe you shit" He was close enough so he catch her by her wrist.

"Or at least let me take you home" he said turning her around, she rise her other hand and he prepared his right cheek for what he anticipated will be a slap, but something caught her eye and instead and she took her hand to her ear and to his surprise she change her voice to a high pitch whining, causing him to let her go.

"Oh whe is it? Where did I leave it? It must have fallen here" she started looking for something in the planters and kneeling near the fence.

"Are you having a stroke?" He asked getting down to her level "what are you looking for?"

"There's a guy with a camera hiding behind a car two meters from you" she said rapidly in a whisper, she quickly put one of her earrings in his hand and said: "Follow my lead, don't look back. Stand up now"

He did as she told him and they stand up, he was still holding the earring in his hand when she took it smiling wide, and putting it back on, and then for his surprise hugging him.

"Smile, get back inside, go to the bar, order a drink and then come back and ask for your car" she said using the proximity to whisper in his ear.

"Why?" He asked and the breaking the contact.

"Just trust me" she said between her teeth and smiling again. He returned the smile and nodded, going back in completely clueless of what was happening, in inside corner of his eye he could see the man with the camera.

He order a glass of wine, but he barely even touch it, the ten minutes he waited felt like eternity and finally he exited the place again. He give the ticket to the valet. The young man went for it immediately and he couldn't help to feel observed. When his car finally arrived and he tried to tip him the guy simply said "it's taken care of, drive safe" He nodded and get in his car not surprised to see Y/N already in the passenger seat.

He drove off and once they were a couple blocks away they looked at each other, and before anyone could talk they started laughing hysterically but it also felt cathartic.

"Care to explain what happened love?" He asked now back to his normal tone "Did you break into my car?"

"Of course not, Philip amm... the valet guy, he works half time as a medical assistant in my hospital. A couple weeks ago he told me that sometimes the waiters of that restaurant call the papers to get scoops on celebrities, and I assumed you didn't want my stupid tantrum in the first page tomorrow"

"Well no, but at least I'm glad you admit it was a tantrum. Can I know what happened?"

"Oh, the guy with the camera come asking me why you were chasing after me, I told him I made a scene in the restaurant because I couldn't find my late grandmother earrings and this handsome" She said exaggerating an innocent voice "who I didn't catch his name, help me found it, then I texted Philip to let me get inside your car, because I supposed he will be waiting for you to come out"

"That's amazing and clever" he said genuinely impressed by her story "But I meant at the restaurant"

"Oh... I had a terrible day, and I leashed out on you" she said turning red. "I am really sorry, you are not an entitled bastard, and everything I said... it was just out of place. I completely respect your acting, and I shouldn't have expressed myself that way" she apologized for all the things she have said without him interrupting her while he drive back to her place.

"Don't worry about it" he said finally smiling at Y/N again with the most candid smile he had given her yet "I'm sure other people have called me worst, just not to my face, and I do appreciate your honesty. Just one thing." He said parking the car at her door. "That's not why I asked out, and I apologize because I didn't make my intentions clear in the beginning. Nevertheless this was a fun experience"

"Said that again" she said without thinking.

"This was really fun I actually enjoyed your company..."

"No, that word 'nevertheless' sounds way more powerful when you say it."

"Nevertheless?" He said getting out of the car.

"Yeah, I actually have a tattoo that says nevertheless she persisted" she started playing with her keys in her doorway, looking pleased by the interest he show on that detail.

"You do go out protesting huh?" He said taking one step closer.

"I do, and I'm really sorry again" she said looking away and finally putting the keys in the lock.

"And again it's nothing really, so now... am I'll guess..."

"I'll see you around" she said, he kissed her on the cheek and she entered her flat, wishing to forget everything about that day.

By the time she was back at the theater next day, she was hoping to leave all behind, but everyone seemed to be obsessed with Tom's random act of kindness to a stranger that thank goodness the camera hadn't focused well.

She chose to hide inside her office the rest of the night until by the time she assumed everyone will be leaving someone knocked on her door, she opened thinking Caroline may be needing something, but she was surprised when she saw Tom standing there.

"Today it's my birthday, and we are going to celebrate, would you like to come by? I can't help to remind how you called Charlie and Zawe mister and miss, and I think they would like you" he said passing his fingers trough his hair distractedly.

"I know, yeah I would love too" She said immediately "But first, please come in, I... um... I actually got you something, it's a birthday present and also a peace offering for the way I acted yesterday" She went to her desk with him following behind her. She took something from the drawer "You are an amazing Robert, and I know you like to research your characters, I mean you probably have read this already but I thought you might like it" she give him a neatly wrapped brown package with a nice blue ribbon on top.

He opened unceremoniously with a child like expressions, touched by her gesture. And he opened his mouth in excitement and disbelief when he saw the book inside.

The Wild Swans at Coole. Other Verses and a Play in Verse. YEATS, W. B.

"Is this a...?"

"A signed original edition, yes." She said happy "I assume you have many of this but I couldn't think of anything else to give you"

"It's perfect actually" he said already carefully opening the book "This is too much, thank you"

"Your welcome" she took her purse and stand up ready to leave. "So where are we going?"

"Right right" He said standing up too. "You are gonna love this guys".

That had been the end of their would be romance and also the beginning of their friendship, but while Y/N tried on one of the multiple dresses Zewe had chosen for her the idea of trying again started to look less and less crazy, her plan was already in motion, she only hoped now that he would feel the same, and even more important than that, she prayed she wouldn't loose him in case he didn't.

[obsessedwithereri-nz]

Stone Cold Chapter 4 (FULL)

Levi x Eren

Summary:  Ever since Levi was a pre-teen, he knew he’d have to marry her, otherwise he’d have to answer to his abusive uncle which never turned out well for Levi’s wellbeing. But after meeting a certain singer at his favorite bar, he knew he was in deep, deep shit.

Warnings: None

Follow the #stonecoldfic to find previous chapters. Enjoy!

Goddamnit. If Levi knew he was about to run two and a half miles in the snow, he would’ve worn better fucking shoes. It’s only been a couple of minutes since abandoning Baby in the driveway and he’s almost eaten the pavement five times.

But did he care? Not in the slightest. He would much rather have his front teeth violently ripped out than lose the one thing that has brought him true happiness. No matter what it takes, Levi is going to find him. He’s going to tell him how much he fucked up and how much he means to him.

Of course, he didn’t expect to be forgiven or even spoken to because, honestly, he doesn’t deserve his forgiveness. But he needs it.

All he can do is try. If he doesn’t try, he’ll live the rest of his life depressed, alone and filled with regret. Not that he’ll have much longer to live anyway when he gets a hold of him. When that asshole finds out what happened, and he will, he’s as good as dead.

“Stop it, Levi,” he mutters to himself. If he starts thinking that way, then he will definitely lose him for good. He is the reason Levi’s fought so fucking hard, he is his reason for living.

There’s no way in hell he’s dying before he can tell him that to his face.

-----

“Hey there, stranger.”

There’s no doubt about it. It’s him. Even though they only spoke for a few minutes, he knows that voice. Levi tries to respond, knowing exactly what he wants to say, but he physically can’t form the words.

“Um… You still there?” His sweet voice floods Levi’s ear. The words don’t register in Levi’s mind at first, he just enjoys the sound for a moment. Then when his brain does process the fact that he hasn’t said a word, or even made a single noise since EJ answered his call, he immediately blurts out a response.

“Yes, yup, I’m here.” Levi mentally and physically facepalms himself for being so weird and embarrassing.

“Oh, good. I was worried this was a butt dial.” The brat laughs through the phone. A butt dial… Yeah, as if Levi hadn’t just spent the last 12 hours debating whether or not to call this damn number.

“Uh, nope. Not- not a butt dial.”

“Well, I’m glad. It would be pretty weird if the cute guy you gave your number to miraculously butt dialed your exact phone number.”

Cheeky shit, calling Levi cute. No one except Petra had ever called him cute, and he’s fucking glad. A grown ass man who works for a premium furniture company is not cute. But why on Earth is he blushing like a 13-year-old girl when he says it!?

After a moment of silence, the singer speaks again.

“Ah, sorry. That was, uh, a little much. I’m sorry.”

“N-no, you’re fine,” Levi stands from his spot on the bed and rubs the back of his neck with his free hand. “How, um, how did you know it was me calling you?”

“Well, I haven’t given my number out to anybody else recently, and when I saw it wasn’t a private number I assumed it wasn’t someone trying to sell me something. Call it an educated guess.” He could practically hear this brat’s smile through the phone.

“Right. That makes sense, I guess.”

“Hey, um, I’m actually really glad you called me.”

“Oh yeah? A-and why’s that?” Levi feels his stomach sink, suddenly very nervous.

“Yeah,” EJ drags the word out as if thinking of what to say next. “What are you doing on Thursday?” He blurts out.

Levi freezes mid-pace. Shit , he knew it. This was a bad fucking idea.

“I’m working.”

“Okay,” he drags the word out again. “What about after work?” Goddamnit, kid.

“I, um, I-I have plans.”

“Look, I know this may be a little forward of me,” Oh no. “And I don’t normally do this kinda thing, but I really enjoyed talking to you last night and wanted to, y’know, hang out. I understand if you don’t want to though, I can be pretty annoying somet-”

“No-”

Levi. He thinks to himself.

“You’re not annoying.”

Levi, stop.

“In all honesty,”

Hang up the phone.

“This has never happened before so-”

Seriously. Stop. Talking.

“I-I was just caught a little off guard, I suppose.”

Hang up the damn phone, Ackerman!

“I just don’t really know what to say right now.”

“Well,” the singer speaks up. “The only advice I can give you is to say what you want to say. Whatever your heart is telling you, just say that.” And just like that, the booming voice inside Levi’s head goes silent.

His heart… You mean his cold, dead one? Yeah, it’s saying nothing, hasn’t for years.

“Nothing.”

“Huh?”

“I’m not doing anything after work on Thursday.” Woah, where did that coming from?

“Oh, really? I thought you had ‘plans’” the singer’s voice is oozing with sarcasm and Levi lets a small laugh slip.

“I’ve changed my mind.”

“Can’t say I’m upset by that. So, I’m performing at The Library again on Thursday night at seven, if you want to have a drink with me before then? Let’s say at six?”

“Tsk, are you even old enough to drink, brat?” Levi’s eyes widen at what just came out of his mouth. Well done, Levi. There goes your one chance to have an actual friend. Laughing sounds through the phone, and his cheeks warm at the sound. How can a laugh sound so adorable to somebody whose heart is supposed to be stone cold?

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me,” EJ says coming down from his fit of laughter. “And I’m taking that as a yes you’ll have a drink with me?”

“I’ll see you at six, you damn brat.” With that, Levi hangs up.

Without realizing it, Levi has a smile on his face. It’s not as big as Hanji’s; no one's smile could ever compete with her creepy ass smile, but it’s big nonetheless. He even bites his lower lip to try to contain how elated he’s feeling.

However, when he does realize what his heart is making his mouth do, he snaps himself out of it by slapping his cheeks a few times.

This is a bad fucking idea. Levi thinks to himself. Getting drinks with… With…

“Shit!” he says under his breath when he realizes he never got the damn brat’s name. He goes to call him again but stops right before selecting his number. Levi doesn’t want to seem clingy like he can’t wait a couple more days before finding out his name.

Thinking about saving his number as a contact in his phone, he goes against it since his number is technically saved under his recent calls and, on that note, scrunches up the piece of paper with EJ’s number on it one final time, and throws it in the trash.

Over the next two days, everything happened the way it always did. When he returned to work on Wednesday morning, the Ral’s didn’t even give him a passing glance, despite being told he had a vomiting bug the day before; so, the usual. He got on with his job, being doubly careful not to ‘mess up’ any orders for these prestigious fucks ordering ridiculously expensive furniture that is truly not worth the investment.

Although, he normally didn’t care an awful lot if he fucked up an order because he is a mindless machine at the office. He didn’t need to give his work his 100% because he’s done it for so many years, it’s actually become extremely difficult for him to fuck up.

However, there was something that was happening to Levi that’d he’d never experienced before. There was only one thing his mind would focus on; seeing EJ again. Whenever he thinks about seeing those eyes or hearing his voice again, butterflies erupt inside his stomach almost making him feel physically sick from nervousness, meaning Levi actually has to try while at work.

Nobody can find out about the brat, people will start asking questions and get him involved… He’s probably shooting himself in the foot, but he can’t help but feel a little excited to have his own little secret, while also feeling absolutely terrified.

He had spoken with Petra Thursday morning telling her he’d be going to the bar after work to have some alone time, which wasn’t unusual for him. So, instead of driving in together which they normally do most days, she took her car and Levi took his.

Levi also decided to wear his favorite suit, knowing it highlighted his musculature in all the best ways. The only downside, it’s Petra favorite also. The only excuse he could come up with for wearing it to the office was that he was in a good mood and felt like dressing up, which wasn’t entirely a lie.

The day goes by without any noticeable incidents and at four o’clock, Petra comes by Levi’s office. They both usually finish work together, but when Levi goes to the bar after work, he stays for an extra hour or so to get shit done and out of the way, then goes to drown his sorrows.

“Hey,” she says as she knocks on his door.

“Hey,” he sighs as he looks up towards her. “You heading off?”

“Yeah. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay. I know my parents are still giving you a hard time.”

“It’s fine, Petra,” Levi purposefully returns his gaze down towards his desk. “You’re mother actually came and apologized to me today.” No she didn’t. He’s only saying that to get her to calm down and drop the topic.

“She did? Oh, that’s great! I’m so glad they realized they were acting horribly.” She has a large smile on her face. Good. Now he hopes she doesn’t go thanking her mother for something she didn’t actually do.

“Yeah, everything’s fine now.” Yet another lie.

“Good.” She sighs in relief as she walks over to give him a hug from behind, wrapping her arms lightly around his neck and shoulders. “What time do you think you will be home?”

“I’m not too sure,” Levi answers honestly, for once. He turns his head to face her. “I’ll let you know, okay?” Petra raises her eyebrows and smirks.

“Will you really?”

“I’ll have my phone in hand the whole time. I promise.” He hates using that word, but he knows if he didn’t, she’d be calling and texting like she did on Monday night.

“Okay,” the couple share a kiss. A pair of green eyes flashes into Levi’s mind. Of course he starts thinking about that brat while he’s kissing his girlfriend, but he can’t help it. He begins to kiss Petra back with a little more passion than he usually does as he continues to think about EJ. After a moment, Levi snaps back to reality and pulls away, clearing his throat.

“I’ll, uh, let you know if I’ll be later than eight, okay?” She nods in agreement and plants one last kiss on Levi’s lips.

“You really do look good in that suit, y’know.” She flirtatiously winks and waves to her boyfriend as she leaves his office.

Once out of eyesight, Levi groans and lets his head drop into his hands. He doesn’t even know the brat’s fucking name yet and this is what he’s doing to him? Maybe this really is a bad idea. He should call him and tell him he has to cancel.

Say what you want to say. Whatever your heart is telling you, just say that.

His hand that was reaching for his phone immediately freezes in place as he hears a familiar voice in his head. Right, his heart. Levi keeps forgetting about his heart. It’s always either been silent or completely drowned out by his mind convincing him what the right move is to avoid trouble.

Damn it, this was so much easier for Levi when he didn’t feel anything at all.

Five o’clock finally rolls around and it’s almost time for Levi to leave the office to meet with EJ. Heart racing and butterflies reeking havoc, he finishes up the last of his paperwork for the day. He decided he was going to meet up with EJ, but only for the hour before his performance, that’s it. He’ll go, have a drink, find out that what he’s feeling is all in his head and a load of bullshit, then go home to his girlfriend.

“Oi, Levi.” A feminine voice sounds from the doorway to his office just as Levi stands up to leave for The Library. He looks up to see Mrs. Ral approaching his desk, holding a large stack of papers in her hands. “It’s good you’re working late because you’re going to redo all this paperwork.”

The stack of papers smack down onto his desk, some coming away from the pile and slowly drifting onto the floor.

“What?” Levi asks, irritated because he knows exactly what she’s doing.

Even though there is absolutely nothing wrong with his paperwork, she still gets him to do it all over from scratch because his handwriting is too ‘messy’, or he spelled a customer’s name ‘wrong’, or one of the papers has a bent corner. No one cares about a bent corner. He can’t use white out because it looks ‘messy’ and ‘unprofessional’. And his handwriting must be in cursive because it shows ‘elegance’.

What. A load. Of bullshit. Levi wishes he could give this vile woman a piece of his mind but, once again, he knows what will happen to him if he does. Sometimes he thinks it’d be totally worth it; realistically, however, it wouldn’t be in the long run.

“Don’t ‘what’ me. You know exactly what’s wrong with these.” Levi doesn’t give her the satisfaction of a response, so he stays quiet and stares at her. “For the love of God, you really are as stupid as you look, insolent child. Look,” she snatches a piece of paper from the pile and slams it down in front of Levi.

“I don’t see anything wrong with this, madam,” Levi spits out that final word without looking down at the form.

“You are asking for a smack, boy. You used black ink when you’re supposed to use blue. We’ve made it very clear that all paperwork must be filled out using blue ink.”

You have got to be kidding me. That’s what this senile old hag is upset about this time? The fucking color of ink!?

“Mmm, so it is,” Levi responds through his teeth, still having not looked at the form in front of him. “My apologies, madam. I’ll get right on it.”

“What my daughter sees in you, I’ll never understand.” Her vulgar tone could be picked up by even the most anti-social and oblivious individual. “ Street rat .” How the two of them haven’t ripped out each other’s throats yet, most people have no clue.

Shooting daggers directly into the back of her head, as if playing a fun game of darts, Levi angrily begins to re-write all 56 pages worth of bullshit paperwork. He meticulously gets through about 10 pages before checking the time.

5:39 pm. Knowing it takes at least 20 minutes to get to The Library from the headquarters, he bolts up out of his office chair, shoves the ‘poorly’ filled out paperwork and his laptop into his briefcase, and sprints out the door.

[shiningstarsandbrightmoons]

(Ace)ceptence

The messages had begun to take a more sexual note again.

Megan closed the app and tossed her phone onto the bedside table, laying her forearm over her eyes and trying not to scream into the void. She didn’t want to wake her family. But the constant messages were getting on her nerves. Just one time she wished someone who understood and respected her and her sexuality would come along, give her the love and attention she craved without constantly thinking about sex.

She sat up as her phone screen lit up, but she ignored it, reaching over and flicking her lamp on. The cover of her newest read caught her attention and she debated whether or not to keep reading. Ultimately the call of thirst pulled her out of bed and downstairs, to the kitchen, where her bottle of water sat on the bench. She guzzled just over half of it, refilled it, put it in the fridge, and returned to her room. Her cat meowed at her from his little nest on her other set of pillows, having been disturbed, no doubt. She scratched his head then laid back down, staring up at the roof and imagining a day where she could be free of the apparent obsession with sex her generation appeared to possess.

Her phone screen lit up as her alarm began to sound. She looked over and groaned, sitting up once more and tapping the button to turn it off. She was displeased with having to actually get up and start the day, but she’d been awake since 3am, and her early mornings were an excellent alternative to living with her father.

She changed into a simple outfit. Her only decent bra, a pair of clean underwear, plain ankle socks, skinny jeans, the shirt she’d slept in, and an oversized hoodie she’d picked up from a recent show she’d gone to see. More effort than that would have required more concentration than she could muster. The only addition to her outfit was a plain wristwatch – silver with a thin black band – she’d been given by her younger brother for her nineteenth birthday.

After a quick breakfast – leftover fruit salad with some yoghurt – she headed outside and got into her car. The sun was only just beginning to rise, and so was a dark feeling in her gut, but she quashed it. She simply lamented over the dark morning as she dumped her backpack in her passenger seat and set up her music. But as she went to hit play a text interrupted her, and almost on instinct she opened the app to reply. The confronting image almost made her toss her phone out the window.

But she was never that drastic, so she simply curled her lip, deleted the message, closed the app and started her commute to school.

“Hey~!” Lily chimed as she bounced over to Megan’s car, just as she pulled up. Megan looked up as her best friend approached and mentally prepared herself for the story that was to come. The hickey on Lily’s neck – not even 24 hours old – gave indication as to what Lily had been up to.

“Morning.” She stepped out of the car, pulling her bag out after you. “Have fun last night?”

Lily’s hand went straight to the hickey and she gave an embarrassed chuckle. “Uhh… yeah!”

Megan wanted to go crawl in a hole and curl up, but Lily was her best friend. So she let her tell the story of her recent sexcapade; it just reconfirmed her early morning thoughts. She shook her head as she listened, timing these actions with one of Lily’s many shameful fails. To Megan, these stories were disgusting and she would have been able to go her whole life without hearing them.

“Sooo… how’s Tinder going for you?!”

Lily’s abrupt change in topic startled Megan. She stumbled over her words before managing, “Eh.”

“Oh come on!” She grabbed Megan’s phone right out of her hands. “Let’s see…”

Megan snatched it. “Don’t pry!” she snapped. Lily recoiled, eyes wide, before she mumbled something and wandered over to some of their classmates, waiting for the teacher to arrive and unlock the classroom. That feeling in the pit of Megan’s stomach returned. She followed. “Lil—”

“It’s fine.”

Megan paled. Not because of her friend but because of the stares of her classmates. Her rational mind knew they were confused stares, but her heart began to race, and she paled and backed away. Deciding to call it a day then and there, she left and headed back to her car. She would talk to Lily later in the day.

Her phone kept pinging but she couldn’t bring herself to pick it up and check the messages. In the background Doctor Who was playing but she had her back turned to her television, instead staring mindlessly at the wall. Her thoughts raced around in her head.

The pinging stopped, and for a few minutes, there was silence save for her cat’s soft purring. But then the ringing began. She had to answer, what if it was work? She blindly fumbled behind her and scooped up her phone, not even bothering to check the caller ID before hitting ‘accept call’ and putting it to her ear. “Megan speaking.”

“Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeg!” Lily’s voice bordered on frantic. “Good god, woman, you’ve been worrying me sick! Why haven’t you been answering?! Why did you go home?!”

“I felt sick,” was her simple reply.

“Why didn’t you tell me?!”

“Because I upset you. Just decided to tell you later.”

There was a brief silence on the other end of the line, then, “Are you home?”

“Where else would I be?”

The line went dead and Megan blinked before tossing her phone onto her other pair of pillows, not particularly interested in the twenty odd Tinder messages she had awaiting her. When she eventually picked up the device again, she noted that most of the messages were images. Several were penises, but there were a couple of vaginas in there too. Regardless, vomit rose higher and higher in her throat as she deleted message after message.

As she deleted the final message her bedroom door exploded open and Lily threw herself onto the bed. “Meeeeeg~!”

“Hello,” she managed to laugh, despite an abrupt spike of anxiety. “How was class?”

“Eh, booooooring,” she dismissed. “We were just doing workshopping today. Poor Brandon got hashtag roasted~!”

Lily continued to babble on, stopping only when Megan’s phone lit up with a message from yet another Tinder match. Megan sighed and opened the message, only to be confronted by the biggest schlong she’d ever seen. She could not hide her repulsion, and Lily blinked.

“Meg, you okay?”

“I… I’m fine.” She deleted the message. “Just going to delete Tinder, to be honest.”

“Why…? You okay?”

She rubbed her face. “I just… I hate it. This… This stupid obsession everyone seems to have with sex and sexuality and I just…” She gripped her hair and tugged. “What the fuck is wrong with me?!”

“Hm… maybe there isn’t!” Lily’s eyes glittered. “Here!” She grabbed Megan’s Macbook and opened it, typing away quickly before thrusting the computer into her lap. “This might be you!”

She checked the screen, and her eyes widened.

An asexual person (“ace”, for short) is simply someone who does not experience sexual attraction.  That’s all there is to it.  Aces can be any sex or gender or age or ethnic background or body type, can be rich or poor, can wear any clothing style, and can be any religion or political affiliation.

In short: There is no asexual "type".

She kept reading, and the more she learned… the more she felt at peace. That’s me, she whispered to herself. She glanced up at Lily, who was smiling broadly, and tears welled in her eyes as she managed, “I… I’m asexual! I’m… I’m not broken…!”

“No, you’re not…!” Lily took the Macbook and set it aside. “Oh, Meg… you should have told me earlier…”

“I couldn’t.” Because you don’t need to be burdened by my shit. “I didn’t know what I was feeling…”

Lily hugged her. “Well, now you know. Now hopefully you can feel a bit better. And… I guess me setting up a Tinder account for you was a stupid thing to do, hey?”

“Just a bit, yeah,” Megan laughed, picking up her phone and deleting the app as if to say, ‘Goodbye, fuckboys!’ And the rest of the night was spent by the two laughing, watching horror films and cat videos.

To be asexual is to be on the fringes of sexuality. But like bisexuality and pansexuality, heterosexuality and homosexuality, asexuality is real. It may be unaccepted in many circles, and it may be deemed a falsehood by many more, but it is real. Those who are asexual are not broken, they do not need a good fucking to fix them. They are asexual, they experience no sexual attraction, and that does not limit their capacity for love, for romantic capability. Sexuality is just one piece of the puzzle.

Asexuality is normal for the one percent of people believed to be asexual. And it should be normal for every part of the LGBTQ+ community. To all my asexual followers, I see you, and I love you. You are not broken. You are normal, you are whole, you are perfect.

[rainbowglittr]

Love and Marriage - Chapter 15 (Mature, Minors DNI)

Description:

After a loss in the family uncovers a family secret, Jaleia and her husband Jesse are forced to balance one family crisis after another along with their budding careers and their plans to expand their family. Will the pressure to keep everyone else together ruin their own relationship? Can ruined relationships be fixed before it’s too late?

Chapter 15:

"Ugh." I lifted my head from the toliet as I finished heaving. Jesse was holding my hair back since it had decided it ws not going to stay in a ponytail. Pregnancy was really throwing me for a loop. A couple of weeks ago, me and Jess went to the doctor where she confirmed that I was indeed pregnant. I was now about 6 weeks pregnant and the side effects were kicking in real strong. I had been having morning sickness almost every sngle day for the past two weeks. Like clockwork. I was tired no matter how much I slept.

"You think that's it, baby?" Jesse said. This morning sickness routine had added on at least fifteen extra minutes to my morning schedule, so to not be late I woke up fifteen extra minutes early. We were still keeping it quiet, although I think Diana was cathing on. But we decided to still keep it quiet for another month to be safe.

She only was going to stay with us for about two more weeks, just before the end of August. That was supposed to be when Jesse's mom officially closed on the house that is just three doors away from ours.

And while Jesse did did best to try and convince her to move somewhere a little further away, she was sold on that damn house. We saw her almost non-stop. She also was lucky because someone had agreed to buy her old house, but that was going to take longer to close than the one she just bought. Jesse and Di were helping her when they could to pack everything from the house and move it to storage. They had made a lot of progress and this Friday they were going to move the last boxes of stuff into storage. Once her new house closed they would have to move all that stuff into the new house. I had to say her hating me really came in handy because I really did not want to help.

Jesse on the other hand was busy in a lot of meetings to determine whether or not he was going to be the labels next new artist. They really liked him, and he was going to start doing some local performances, and creating public social media accounts, depending on how well he did, with the label's help, determined if this record deal was going to happen. And even though he was still fighting really hard to get it, his previous work with Legacy Records really gave him a leg up. It was looking good but they were really reluctant to give one of, in my humble totally and completely unbiased opinion, their best song writers a shot a making it big. The just weren't sure he had that "star qualilty" they were looking for. In other words, he was a black, non-rapping artist they weren't sure how to market him or if he would sell.

I just sat for a moment, hoping that my stomach had settled. When I no longer felt the waves of nausea crash over me, I started to get up.

"I think I'm done for today, or this morning at least." I told Jesse.

"Good, that means my job here is done." He said. He stood up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, resting his chin on my shoulder, and his hands on my stomach.

"Our baby is in there." I said smiling.

"Yeah, our little girl." he said, kissing my neck lightly.

"How do you know?" I said as I put my hands on top of his.

"Cause thats what I told my sperm to make."

I laughed and rested my head against his chest.

"You know, I've spent so much time not wanting to be pregnant, it feels so good to actually be happy about it." I said.

"I spent so much time trying not to get someone pregnant. It's nice that when I finally did, we're both happy about it."

"Shut up." I said, still smiling.

"Are you nervous?" he asked.

"Of course Jess, I don't want to be a shitty mom. Plus with all the issues I have, I'm scared but I always wanted this and I'm excited."

"You are going to be the most amazing mom ever. You shouldn't even be nervous, Love."

"Are you?"

"Course I am. But I got you, so I ain't even sweating it."

"I see you with Di, you ain't got nothing to worry about, you're going to be amazing as a dad."

"Well if you're going to be amazing, and I'm going to be amazing, then our baby is going to have two amazing parents."

"Damn right." I said.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"And then I took Benadryl, and it didn't get any better, and then I tried Tylenol, which, I, I,I don't even know why I tried that, I think my wife told me to, actually I think it was my mother actually who told me to take Tylenol, it didn't work and then-"

"Um, sorry to interrupt but do you have any relevant medical history that I don't already know? Anything you think you haven't already told us, um, anything you unusual that you've done or been exposed to that might be making your allergies worse, anything at all?" I said. My patient had been going on and on about stuff that I quite honestly really didn't need to know and I really didn't have time for. I just needed to know if anything had changed since the last time I saw him. But he was extremely long winded.

"Nah, not that I can think of. But you know I have been gardening a lot more, not that I haven't before but I've been doing more, and you know what my wife says, she thinks there's nothing more peaceful then gardening? I kinda see where she's coming from but at the same time it's a lot of work. have you ever done gardening?"

"Um, I used to. Maybe Mr. Ryilke, when you come back you can bring back some samples of the soil, maybe there's some sort of allergen in the soil that is making your lupus go haywire. So I'll give you some instructions on paper of how to collect the samples, how to store them, all that and next time I see you I'll get them tested. As for you nurse Jackie is going to come in and take some samples from you that we are going to test and we should have the results shortly, or within the hour. if you have no further questions, then I'll let Nurse Jackie get started. Do you have any questions, anything at all?" I said as I started to get up.

"Just one question, doctor. Is it normal for my pee to be orange?" I just stoppped and stared for a moment. Then I sat back down, this was going to be a long conversation.

>>>>>>>>>>>

"Let me just finish up this report, then I'm going to close up. I'm out after this." I said to one of my coworkers, Marie. I was in the research lab and ready to go home. I just had one report to submit and I could have the sweet taste of freedom. I clicked submit after a quick proof read and started to gather my things.

"If you're done then James is going to walk me out if you want to come." she said. I took off my labcoat and hung it around my chair.

"Yeah, that would be great." I called out to her as I followed her out the lab. Marie and James were your typical "should be a couple" in my group of collegues. They clearly had chemistry but they were still in the "will they, won't they" part of their friend/relationship. They were two of the sweetest people I've ever met but also two of the most clueless when it came to dating- well at least dating each other. But I loved working with them, and I figure they have about three months before they can't take it anymore and finally get together.

We walked down the stairwell, with Marie and James having another one of their passionate debates about something random. I guess today's topic was cats versus dogs.

"What about you Jay?" Marie asked as we got to the last landing.

"I got to go with James on this one, sorry Marie, I'm team dogs."

"Not you? Oh God, who do i work with?" she said dramactically.

"Somebody had to say it, Marie." James said.

We all waved goodnight to the nure's station as we walked out of the stairwell and past the Nurse's station.

"Are you coming to Janet's party, Jay?" Marie asked me.

"Oh crap when is that again?"

"This Saturday. it's at the fancy resturant, I think it's french or something." she said.

"I forgot, damn. I'll definitely be there, let me put it in my phone so I don't forget it." I said whipping out my phone. Janet was another doctor in our depatrment, she was nice, I didn't know her well but well enough I guess to go to her birthday party.

James and Marie talked a little more, as we walked through the parking lot. They often got lost in their little bubble and forgot about other people but I was used to it, it was cute. It reminded me of when me and Jesse first got together. It was like no one else in the world existed.

"We parked together here Jay, are you good or do you want us to walk you to your car?" James asked.

"It's still light out guys, I'm not that far away, I'm good. Thank you. I'll see you guys tomorrow!"

"See you!" they both replied.

I walked to my car, hoping that I wouldn't get car sick. I don't know what this baby's obsession with making me vomit was but I was over it. Every now and then being in the car would make me car sick enough to have to pull over and either throw up or let the nausea pass.

>>>>>>>>>>>

"Jess, babe? I'm home!" I called out as soon as I walked in the door. I wasn't actually sure if he would be home before me today. but the lights were on so I figured he had to be. I walked to the kitchen, looking aorund for him. His mom was sitting in our nook.

"Hello." I said flatly.

"You look really fat and pudgy in that shirt. I don't know why my son would be attracted to that." she replied.

"Why are you in my house if you're going to be rude?" I asked as I put my purse down on the table.

"Why did my son marry trash? I guess we'll never know." she said as she glared at me.

"I don't have to put up with your shit Aiesha. I don't care if you're Jesse's mom. You can leave."

"I don't care if you're his wife, you will never be worthy of my son, you will always be beneath him and if I had it my way, he never would've married you."

"There is literally no reason for you to hate me and yet inexplicably you do. Why?"

"I just think Jesse could have done a lot better than you."

"What does that even mean?"

"Hey, what's going on?" Jesse's voice rang out from behind me. I wasn't facing the door so I didn't even hear hm come in. I turned to face him, giving him a quick peck on the lips, before truning to face his mother again.

"Oh, your lovely wife over here was threatening to kick me out your house. Is that acceptable to you Jesse? You don't mind your wife kicking me out?" Aiesha crossed her arms, a gave Jesse a demanding look.

"Mom, no one is throwing you out. And maybe if you stop insulting Jay, she would stop wanting to throw you out."

"So you are taking her side over your own mother?"

"Mom, there are no sides. I want you two to get along, I love you both."

"I see I'm not wanted here. You would think that after everything that is going on Jesse you would have your own mother's back, but I guess not." she said getting up and storming out of the kitchen. Jesse quickly followed after her as I rolled my eyes. She had such a flair for drama, she should've been an actress.

I could hear him calling for her. I went to reach for a bottle of wine, knowing that I was going to need it to deal with this drama before I realized that I couldn't drink anymore. I put my hand on my stomach, even though there was not yet a baby bump. Since I couldn't have wine, I did buy my favorite brand of mocktails for moments like these. I went to the fridge and poured some into my favorite wine glass. I sat down waiting for Jesse to return. After ten minutes of just waitng there and sipping a mocktail, I got up and started looking for leftovers of the steak stir fry I made last night. I was pulling it out the frigde when Jesse came back in the kitchen.

"Um so, my mom is going to stay the night." he said.

"Why?" I asked as I slid the dish into the oven.

"I'm going to be honest I don't know why, it was the only way to stop her crying." he said rubbing his face as he sat down in our breakfast nook.

"Can you just go easy on her? I know she doesnt look like it but this whole thing is really stressing her out." He said.

"She's stressing me out." I said.

"Jay."

"Jess."

"JAY."

"What? Why am I always the one who has to play nice? I'm sick of it!" I said slamming my hand on the counter.

"You don't think I get sick of you both fighting constantly?" He said.

"If you don't want us to fight then don't allow her to disrespect me."

"I can't control what she does, she's my mother not my child. At least when my dad was here it was easier to keep the peace."

"I don't know what you want from me." I said. An awkward silence filled the room for a few minutes.

"It would be really impportant to me if you went with us on Friday to the old house. It's the last time me and Di and even Ciara is coming up, but it's our last time in the house before it's sold."

"What time?"

"I'll be there all day with Di because we still have to move some stuff out but whenever you get off would be great."

"I can do that, are you doing another gig this Saturday?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Cause I have a birthday party I have to go to, well I don't have to go to, but I should go to and I was hoping you would be able to go with me but since you have a gig I'll just ask Kiara."

"Sorry." He leaned back and closed his eyes.

"It's fine." I said.

"How are you feeling?" he asked as he opened his eyes.

"Annoyed."

"Jay."

"Jess."

"Can you just talk to me?" he said, getting up from the nook. He walked over to where I was standing and put his hands out for a hug, which I gladly accepted. I tucked my face into the side of his neck.

"M'sorry, I'm just tired Jess." I said into his neck.

"I know, baby."

"But I'm fine, Jess. How was your day?"

"Boring, a bunch of meetings and stuff, but I was thinking about the baby," he said as I put my hand on my belly.

"What about a baby?" Aiesha said as she walked back into the room. I quickly dropped my hand from my belly.

"Um, nothing mom, you know I always call her that." he said as we moved away from each other.

"Then why was her hand on her stomach?"

"No reason, I just happened to have my hand there, that all." I said. Of all people I didn't want to find out early, it was his mom. She would not keep it a secret at all.

"Okay, fine, don't tell me, I'll always find out." she said as she walked out. We let out a huge breath.

"That was close." He said.

"Yeah, where's Diana?" I said switching the topic, I didn't know where his mother was lurking around.

"She's at a sleepover, I have to pick her up in the morning." he said.

"Cool, I hope she has a good time she deserves it with all you guys have been through this summer."

"Damn straight."

I went to sit down at our breakfast nook when all of a sudden his mom burst into the kitchen shouting "I KNEW IT!" holding a paper in her hands.

"Mom, what are you talking about?" Jesse asked. My heart dropped.

"She is pregnant, it says so right here! I'm going to have another grandchild!" she shouted excitedly.

"What, what are you talking about?" I said. Hoping that we could keep it a secret just a little while longer.

"I found this test result just hanging around in Jesse's office. Why wouldn't you tell me?"

"Why were you in his office?" I asked.

"Nevermind that, when were you going to tell me that I had a grandchild coming?"

Jesse looked at me. I guess the secret is out. I gave him a look that pretty much said just tell her. I figured it would be less painful that way. He gave me a new favorite look, the "I'll make it up to you" look.

"Okay, mom, you caught us. Jay's pregnant. But you need to promise us that youre going to keep this a secret, we dont want to tell anyone right now."

"Why not tell everyone this is great news isnt it?"

"It is but mom, we've already been through a miscarriage before this and we just want to keep it quiet until we really know for sure."

"How could you not tell me that, Jess? I'm your mother, you could've told me!"

"Well it's not exactly something I wanted to talk about, even with you. But we would really appreciate it if you would keep it on the low."

"Awww baby, of course! You don't know what this means, especially during this time, after your father. My baby boy is having a baby! I'm so excited, for you both."

>>>>>>>>>>>

I hurried through the parking lot to my car. It was finally friday, the day that I was supposed to meet Jesse at his mom's old house. Ciara had drove all the way out here from Philly to be here. It wasn't supposed to be this big emotional thing but I guess that's what it turned into. Everybody wanted one last time to walk through the house they grew up in, except Shaun. Ciara heard from his wife that the loss hit Shuan hard, he didn't have it in him to visit the house. Which everyone understood, it had only been about three months, not even, since his dad died.

I called Jesse as I pulled out of the parking lot. The phone rang for a while until he finally picked up.

"Hey babe, did you guys get to the house yet?" I said.

"Yeah we all just got here, we have to clear out some boxes and then we'll do the final walk through. Are you just leaving?"

"Yeah, I'll be there in like twenty if traffic's not bad. How you feeling?"

"I'm okay, right now."

"Jess, don't bullshit me, I know you too well for that remember? What's really going on?"

He let out a heavy sigh. "It's going to be hard. I know we're just gonna bring up old shit and, I don't know how to feel about that."

"Well I got you Jess. It's important that you allow yourself to feel what you feel, Allow yourself to be sad."

"I know, I will, Just get here safe, love you."

"Love you too" I pushed the button on my steering wheel to hang up. This summer had taken so many twists and turns and it wasn't even over yet.

>>>>>>>>>>>

"And do you remember how Dad chased Shaun down the stairs and around the house? He was screaming stuff but he was so mad none of it made any sense." Ciara said.

Everyone in the room was bent over the counters as they laughed at the memory. I stood there behind Jesse's shaking back as he laughed so hard tears rolled down his cheeks. What we thought was going be a very sad and somber last trip turned out to be one of the funniest trips to the house. It was so weird seeing it empty. It was a strange contrast to be an the empty house with everyone laughing and joking and the lively energy it normally had.

Jesse's mom was somewhere upstairs making sure she had everything, we were all in the kitchen, enjoying our last moments here.

Diana smiled, and pointed to a burn spot on the wall.

"I Never noticed that, where was it from?" she asked. Jesse and Ciara exchanged a knowing look.

"You know where most of the damage in the house comes from? Shaun. Second place would go to either dad or Jesse, but most of the damage in this house comes from that idiot." Ciara said.

"Shaun fucked with the roaster, broke it months before thankgiving. Don't know what the hell he was trying to do with it, but he broke it. Mom never uses that thing during the year until thankgiving so she never noticed. She went to cook the turkey and the roaster caught on fire. That was the year we had fried chicken instead of turkey." Jesse explained.

"Me and Jesse both knew it was Shaun's fault so we blackmailed him for six months after that. Mom and dad thought it was just a freak accident and so did the insurance, so Shaun knew that if we told what happened it would've been over for his ass." Ciara said.

"That was a good six months." Jesse said.

"I remember when I found out you had a little crush on Jaleia." Ciara teased. Diana tried to stifle her giggle.

"Shut up, C." Jesse warned. He stood up straight.

"No, I wanna hear, what's this? Spill the tea." I said.

"Well since you insisted," Ciara said with a michevous look on her face. "Jesse was writing a song, and he wasn't expecting me to come home."

"We don't really need to-" Jesse started walking closer to Ciara.

"It was a cute song about having a crush on someone, I didn't let him know I heard it. Would you relax, this is a cute story, would you rather me tell the story of when I walked in on you pleasuring yourself?" She said as Jesse backed her into a wall.

"So you were never good at locking doors?" I said to Jesse.

"Hahaha, you're so funny." he sarcastically said as he briefly turned to face me.

"We will never speak of that day. Why are you like this? It's like you only want to embarrass me." He said to Ciara before backing up with his hands up.

"Because you are my baby brother, and I have to. Anyway, this was in high school, I don't even remember when but I was determined to find out who the song was about. I had some theories, but I couldn't really figure it out, being in college and all. But lucky for me, the homecoming dance was coming up and it was so late at night everyone was sleep except Jess, cause he was in his room practicing how he was going to ask you out!" she said.

"Awww, that's so cute!" I said to Jesse. He was trying to hide his face.

"You should've! I ended up spending most of the night with you!" I said.

"You were in love with Tyler, I didn't think you would say yes."

"So you chickened out? Cause I sure as hell wasn't in love with that boy. Don't play me like that cause you're embarrassed."

"I didn't chicken out, I just didn't think you would say yes." He said as I rolled my eyes. I flapped my arms like wing at him.

"Why did you and the Green bean fall out? Cause y'all made up after high school. You never told me." Ciara said.

"Because he stabbed me in the back. Guess who Imani Cheated on me with?" he said.

"Wait, wait, wait, wait, you NEVER told me that Tyler, Tyler, the guy we grew up with was the one that screwed your fiance?" I said to Jesse.

"I wasn't going to tell anyone. That shit's hella embarrassing." He said. Me and Ciara just stared at him with our mouths open. I couldn't believe this shit.

"We gon talk about this at home." I said.

"So anyone else got any memorires to discuss?" he said, trying to change the subject.

"Yeah, like how the fuck the guy with three kids and no job managed to steal your girl Jess? And it was your best friend? Cause Damn, thats bad." Ciara laughed. She saw the pissed expression on Jesse's face and stopped laughing.

"Oh baby brother I'm not laughing at you, it just the stuation that's a little, you know what, it's not, it's not funny. Sorry." She said. She patted him on his shoulder as Di laughed in the background.

"And I don't know what Di is laughing at because we could be talking about her little boyfriend." Jesse said. Everyone turned and faced her as her jaw dropped.

"Jesse! Shut up!" Diana said. I already knew that Ciara was going to tear that girl apart.

"So what's this about having a little boyfriend, Di?" Ciara said as she walked over to Di.

"Nothing. I don't even have a boyfriend."

>>>>>>>>>>

I rest my head on Jesse's chest. We were back home after leaving from the house. I traced imaginary patterns on his chest as we let the air conditioning blast, with the TV lowly playing in the background. We spent so much time at that house, and eventually it did get kind of sappy and tears were shed but really, we had a really good time. I didn't realize how many memories I had in the house until tonight. Seeing Jesse and his sisters embarrass each other and bicker and fight, in a very weird way made me miss my own two sisters, I honestly hadn't even talked to them in a long time, which reminded me that I really needed to call my mother. And my father. I was such a horrible family member-who forgets to talk to their own family? Well it's not like I don't text them often, I just haven't called them, and it's not like I told them to move across the country. I have been so caught up in Jesse's family I kind of neglected my own.

"Whatcha thinking so hard about over there?"

"I am a terrible family member. I have to call like everyone in my family, I haven't spoken to anyone in so long."

"That doesn't make you horrible, it just means you've been busy"

"I feel so bad, I've been so wrapped up in everything going on over here I don't even know what's going on in my own family and that sucks. I have two nephews and when's the last time I even asked about them, I mean I did ask about them through text message but that's a shitty thing to do, just texting, I mean I am their aunt. My family must hate me I mean I never call or-" I was interrupted by Jesse kissing me. He pulled back and said,

"I'm just going to stop you there before you spiral any further. All you have to do to solve this is call them. None of your family live in this state, my family live closer than your and do you think I talk to mine every day?"

"I know I just feel bad and I kind of miss them, seeing you with your sisters, made me miss mine. And my mom and my dad."

"You know they're just one call away."

"Do you think your mom can keep the baby a secret?"

"We got maybe two weeks, three at the most."

>>>>>>>>>>>>

To Aiesha's credit she did keep it a secret.....for about a week. All of the sudden we started to get Congratulations and calls all from Jesse's side of the family, and then his brother and sister called, and they were PISSED that he didn't tell them. I think the only reason I wasn't mad about it was because after she found out she became the mother in law I had always wanted. She stopped insulting me, she started being respectful, she was a completely different person. I loved it and all I had to do is be pregnant? It was amazing. I knew it wasn't going to last though, she didn't just start liking me it was all because of the baby, I knew it but I was definitely going to take advantage of it. Jesse of course could never get mad at his mom for more than five seconds, but at least now we could tell everyone.

All we had to do now was tell my side of the family, cause I knew that if they found out from anyone else that I was pregnant all hell would break loose. So I skyped my mom. I watched it ring for a while. I was sitting on the couch while Jesse was washing the dishes. My heart was beating fast, I don't why I was so nervous to tell my mom, I guess once I told her it made it real. I actually had a baby growing inside me.

"JESSE, come here, I want you to be here when I tell my mom!" I shouted.

"Coming," he replied. I heard the water shut off and then his footsteps. My mom's face popped up into the screen.

"Finally you call. I could've been sick or something and you would never know because you don't call me." She said before I even had a chance to say anything.

"Hey mom. How are you?" I said.

"I'm okay, not that you would know, I haven't heard from you in so long. Texting doesn't count I want to hear your voice."

"Yes mom, I'm sorry, things have been really crazy here."

"Are you doing okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, better than fine actually. Um, I have some news that I want to tell you."

"Okay, what is it?'

"Hey Mom!" Jess said, sitting next to me on the couch.

"Don't hey mom me, Jesse. What kind of son are you to let it go so long without me giving me a call? You're not exempt. What? I move down here and all of a sudden I don't deserve a damn call? I don't see a damn thing funny." she said as he tried to hide his smirk.

"Shanice, I'm sorry. Like Jay said, it has been really crazy here."

"How the hell would I know that if you don't call? And you miss doctor, don't even have the time to call your own sisters. What's that about? I raised you all to stay close no matter what and now you can't even pick up the phone to call your own sisters?"

"Mom, I'll do better, it's not even like that, it's just been crazy, it really has. I'll call them after you. But I really want to tell you the good news we have."

"Okay, what is it?" she said, finally relenting from the lecture. I looked at jesse.

"I'm pregnant!"

"We're pregnant!" We said. My mom was shocked. I never told her we were even trying so I know she wasn't expecting it and I wanted to really surprise her.

"Oh my God, are you serious?" she said with her hand over her mouth.

"Yeah, she really is." Jesse said smiling.

"I am so happy for you guys, God bless you and my grandchild! That is the best news." she said as she started tearing up.

"Don't cry ma, you're going to make me cry." I said trying not to cry myself.

"Aw, baby girl, I really am so happy for you both. I cannot wait to be a grandma again. I am so happy." she said as she wiped the tears away.

"I'm going to call you later mom, I just really wanted to tell you the good news. I'll talk to you later."

"Okay, love you both so much."

"Love you too mom."

"Love you Shanice, Bye!"

We hung up, I put my phone down on the coffee table.

"Your mom had the best reaction so far, it was cute." Jesse said as he engulfed me in a hug.

[thehikingviking]

Mt Goddard, Mt Goethe & Mt Lamarck via Lamarck Col

When Asaka was pregnant, we agreed that I would be allowed a backpacking trip for every baby book I read. I read “Brain Rules for Baby” by John Medina and promptly reserved a four night permit in Kings Canyon National Park over the July 4th weekend. The rough plan would be to set a base camp at either Evolution Lake or Wanda Lake along the John Muir Trail via Lamarck Col from North Lake. The main objectives of the trip would be Mt Darwin and Mt Goddard, with an emphasis on the latter due to it’s extreme remoteness. I also planned routes on several other peaks so we would have the option for bonus peaks if energy and time permitted. I was lucky enough to find interest and get a commitment from Colin Gregory and Dave Dully, two JMT alumni and backpacking experts. I figured they were the perfect partners for the long haul towards Evolution Basin. I carpooled with Colin from the Bay Area and we met Dully in Bishop. We ate dinner then chose a campsite along Bishop Creek. The next morning we drove to North Lake where our adventure began.

While I had been to North Lake several times, this was my first time heading over Lamarck Col.

We conversed about mundane topics as we approached Lower Lamarck Lake.

While things were going okay for Dully and me, Colin wasn’t feeling so hot. I tried to walk him through a Wim Hof breathing exercise, but it was a poor effort which didn’t seem to help at all. We continued walking and seemingly out of nowhere, Colin began projectile vomiting all over the trail. It was both a magnificent and gross sight. I was speechless. I had never witnessed someone succumb to such terrible altitude sickness at such a low elevation. We were only at 10,600 ft, and we still had to go over Lamarck Col at almost 13,000 ft. It then dawned on me that our trip was in jeopardy, and there was a good chance we would have to head back down to the car. This was nothing new for Colin and Dully, however. Apparently Colin got really sick on the John Muir Trail, and he recovered while on the trail without having to descend. Colin seemed committed to continue, so we resumed hiking against my better judgement.

We continued moving, but at a much slower pace. My dreams of making it to Wanda Lake were fading, and I even started to wonder if we would make it down to the Darwin Lakes. There were too many unknown variables, so I just decided enjoy the scenery and hope for the best.

I have to give credit where credit is due. Colin was fighting some major demons, but he won small battle after small battle.

During one of our long rests, I noticed a lone figure with a recognizable gait. I said to the guys half jokingly that it looked like Iris, and I wouldn’t even be that surprised if it was really her. As she walked closer, I became more and more sure of my assumption, so I yelled out, “Who are you?” As she stopped to take out her ear earphones, I recognized how awkward of a question that was, so instead I asked if she was Iris, to which she replied yes. As we were catching up, another couple walked by and yelled out, “Are one of you Sean?” My brain slowly analyzed the question, and I realized yes indeed, my name is Sean! It turned out to be Chad Thomas and his fiance. I met Chad on Stuart Point in the desert the previous winter. Iris followed up by asking if he was Michael Graupe’s Chad, to which he replied, “I guess so. I mean I’ve hiked with him a few times.” What a small world these vast mountains truly are. Iris was on her way to Mt Lamarck, and Chad and his fiance were on their way to Darwin Bench, since Chad was chasing the remaining California 13ers he had yet to climb.

Iris asked Colin if he had any altitude sickness medication. Colin did, but said he hadn’t taken any. Iris quickly responded, “Well that’s not smart.” Direct, but true. Colin didn’t want to take it because he felt it was like taking a performance enhancement drug. While the basis of his reasoning may have had a slight bit of truth, there are no rules forbidding such recreational usage, so I allowed it without giving him too much grief.

He took the pill and over time things got better. Lamarck Col came into view. From there we would drop several thousand feet, so there was a good chance that we would be alright after all.

I had studied the col and came equipped with photographs, as I’ve read of people in the past missing it altogether. As we approached, there was an obvious boot track taking us right where we needed to go.

We were all relieved to finally reach the col, as this was a major milestone. We took a long rest here, and I most likely named every mountain within our viewshed.

After a healthy break, we started down the col towards Dawin Lakes. I studied the west ridge of Mt Darwin. There was some lingering snow still in the chute which gave me cause for concern. We came prepared with crampons and ice axes, but it still looked precarious.

I made the wise decision of following the use trail directly down to the first lake, while Colin and Dully took a more diagonal line over rougher terrain. On a map their route looked better, but in practice mine was faster and more efficient.

I beat them down to the lakes and followed the use trail to intercept their soon to be position. I expected a freeway along the side of the lake, but the use trail wasn’t nearly as good as I expected. I found myself talus hopping and scrambling between giant boulders. 

Once we regrouped, we assessed our situation. It was still early in the day, so we agreed to continue towards Evolution Lake.

We followed the outlet of Darwin Lakes to Darwin Bench. Mt Goddard and The Hermit came into view for the first time.

\

We then dropped several hundred feet towards the JMT. Once we reached the JMT, we followed this uphill towards Evolution Lake. I was getting tired, but we were now in the acceptable range of finding a base camp.

We reached Evolution Lake and the others voiced their intent to set up camp. I wanted to continue at least a mile further. I now had my eyes set on Mt McGee in addition to Mt Goddard, and I felt a base camp at Wanda Lake would be optimal. Colin and Dully were not sold on my proposal, so I tried to find a mid point that would make us all happy, but they would not budge. They were convinced that there were no campsites between the north end of Evolution Lake and Wanda Lake. I lost the vote 2-1, so I had to accept the outcome. At least I was done back packing for the day.

I set up camp and took a swim in the lake. My mind raced as always, overwhelmed with all the peaks in the nearby area. Tomorrow was very important, as it would be our Mt Goddard summit day, so I focused on the task at hand. We agreed to leave camp the next morning at 7am.

The next morning we finally broke camp at 7:45am. I was a little frustrated with the lake start, but we had a crystal clear forecast and plenty of daylight, so I decided to let it go. We followed the JMT around the eastern shore of the very long Evolution Lake, taking in views of Mt Spencer, Mt Huxley and The Hermit along the way.

On the south end of the lake we had a iconic river crossing. 

Mt Huxley stood above us as we approached Wanda Lake.

We reached Wanda Lake after 4 miles. Oh how much nicer it would have been to start from here instead, saving 8 total miles on summit day and possibly giving us the opportunity to climb Mt Huxley as a bonus peak. One of the guys made a comment suggesting that I should have found better hiking partners, which made me feel bad. It was my job as the group leader to push the group to their upmost limits and maximize our chances of success. At no point did I ever want to make anyone feel inadequate.

We took our first break on the other side of the outlet.

The remaining route to the summit would be all cross country. We planned to take Starr’s Route, so we aimed for the toe of the rib.

Down the valley were Davis Lakes and Mt McGee.

To reach the start of Starr’s Route, we had some steep snow to cross. The snow was soft so we didn’t need to use our crampons nor ice axes.

The route is advertised as class 2, but this rating is outdated. The route is definitely class 3, and the very first move on the rocks borders on class 4. This crux can be avoided by climbing up the talus scree on the west side of the rib before transitioning back onto the rib proper. We took on the challenge of the initial stiff move onto the route, and found it within our abilities and comfort levels.

The next couple hours consisted of class 2-3 climbing with moderate route finding.

The climb was mostly fun, but all of us were sucking wind. The altitude was definitely having an effect on our pace.

Just when it felt like our route was leading to vertical cliffs, a weakness in the rock wall appeared. 

The summit was now in sight, and all that remained was a talus slog.

We drudged our way up the barren slopes, stopping every few hundred feet or so to suck in the thin air. Reinhold Messner once said, “I am nothing more than a single, narrow, gasping lung, floating over the mists and the summits.”

After a toilsome effort, we finally made it to the summit.

After a short rest, we visited the lower west summit. The sky was clear all the way down to the San Joaquin Valley.

We then returned back to the true summit where we took our official summit rest.

To the northwest were Goddard Canyon and Mt McGee.

To the north were Mt Humphreys, Mt Mendel and Mt Darwin.

To the east were Mt Huxley, Mt Warlow, Mt Agassiz, Mt Winchell and North Palisade.

To the southeast were Mt Solomons, Black Giant and Charybdis.

To the south were Scylla, the Ionian Basin and the Enchanted Gorge.

There was sadly no writing utensil in the summit register, so I wrote my name in Taco Bell hot sauce. Hopefully future readers will think that I signed in my own blood.

It was getting a bit late in the afternoon, so while I wanted to remain atop the giant, we began our trek back down towards camp.

My contacts bothered me the whole descent. My contact solution had exploded in my pack, and my contacts were dirty. I had blurry vision the whole descent, which took away from the enjoyment of the hike.

Instead of following Starr’s Route all the way down, we bailed off the western side of the ridge and plunge stepped down the soft snow. Once it was safe, we glissaded a short distance down to the tongue of the snow.

What followed was a very tedious boulder hop over the small but not negligible saddle towards Wanda Lake and the JMT.

Once back at Wanda Lake, we took a dip and began our 4 mile march down gradual trail back to camp.

We spotted a healthy looking coyote along the way. I didn’t know they ventured to such high altitudes.

Shortly after a big herd of deer ran across our path. Colin and Dully said they saw more wildlife on this trip than over the span of their whole JMT trip.

It took us over 12 hours from camp to camp, which was much longer than I expected. There were fish jumping left and right, so I took whatever energy I had left and had a go at fishing. 

I had no luck. The fish here were too smart. At least I had first row seats to an amazing alpenglow.

I started brainstorming what peak we should do the following day. In retrospect, I overthought everything. I should have planned to do the west face of Mt Darwin, but I had better beta from the Darwin Glacier, and I somehow convinced myself it would be easier to move camp and climb Mt Darwin from the other side. This would also allow me to climb Mt Goethe as a side trip while moving camp. The mental gymnastics needed to justify such a plan was remarkable! I willingly gave up my hard earned base camp next to remote peaks in exchange for moving back to more accessible peaks. I could not see my error at the time. Alas, exhaustion, elevation and cognitive dissonance were getting the better of me.

The next morning, we broke down camp and began our move back towards Darwin Bench.

I somehow got ahead of the others, but I welcomed the solitude in such a peaceful and scenic byway.

I reached Darwin Bench and saw some fish jumping, so I decided to try my luck. I fought with the mosquitoes, but my perseverance paid off. After a few minutes of fishing I got a bite, and to my pleasant surprise, I caught my first Golden Trout.

I released the beauty and continued fishing. I caught my second golden as Colin and Dully arrived.

The fishing was good so Colin gave it a shot and had he caught some fish as well.

We packed up our gear and continued alongside the bench. Colin and Dully noticed a super light tent and began fawning over it. They told me this was the same tent that Chad had, so I put two and two together and realized it was probably Chad’s tent. I called out for him, but instead heard Chad’s fiance yell, “Chad not here!” Chad was out climbing peaks while his fiance rested by the bench. I can’t think of a more scenic place to hang out.

We continued upstream until around 11,500 ft where we dropped our heavy packs among some rocks. We continued north to two large unnamed lakes. Mt Goethe stood above the opposite shore.

It appeared shorter to go right and hike across the isthmus of the two large lakes, but we soon reached an impasse. A steep snow bank blocked the way. I did not want to encircle the lake, so I committed myself to finding a way across. I noticed a more favorable angle about a hundred feet above the waters edge, so up I climbed.

I led the way across the steep snow. At first the snow was soft enough to kick steps, but as I crossed, the snow became slightly harder and icier, making the crossing more difficult than I expected. This was the most dangerous part of the whole trip.

It took a lot of focus, but I eventually made it. Colin and Dully were not willing to give it a try, and opted to take the long route around the lake.

Looking back, I think we both had the wrong answer. If I had it over again, I would have looked more closely at taking off my shoes and walking across the shallow edge of the lake.

I refilled water at the isthmus and watched the two little dots make their way around the deceptively large lake.

Rather than wait for them, I thought it would be better to get a head start to make sure that the route would work. 

What remained was a nasty slope. My pace was slow, but my energy levels remained high.

I was surprised to find myself making distance between the others. Their self-assured mountaineering hubris had been somewhat shattered by the demanding efforts of trip. They began taking really long breaks, and I started to worry that they would bail altogether.

At this point, all I could do was worry about myself, so I pushed onward.

In due time I reached the top. To the northeast were Mt Humphreys and Mt Emerson.

To the east were Keyhole Plateau and Mt Lamarck.

To the south were Mt Darwin, Mt Mendel and Mt Goddard.

To the southwest were Emerald Peak and Evolution Valley.

To the northwest were Seven Gables and Southern Yosemite.

To the north were Goethe Lake and the Humphreys Basin.

I found a good place to lay down and wait for the others. They arrived 30 minutes later in seemingly good spirits.

We flipped through the summit register, finding humor in Daryn’s log.

Rather than return the way we came, we headed south from the summit, aiming for the western edge of Lake 11540.

Mt Goddard looked a long ways away.

We followed the ridge past a lingering snow bank and took sandy slopes down to the lake below. Somewhere along our descent, the others informed me of their desire to skip Mt Darwin the next day. I was disappointed, but felt like I could change their mind after a swim and a good rest at camp.

I got ahead of the others and found myself on some wet class 3. It wasn’t the best route, and thankfully the others didn’t follow me, choosing a much better class 2 route further right of my descent path.

I spotted the others on their better route and aimed to meet them at the shore of the lake. They had left some trekking poles along the shore and hoped to recover them.

What a scenic location! Mt Goddard spied us from a distance.

The conditions were too nice to pass up a swim. With a fish caught and a summit under my belt already, all I needed was a dunk to complete my second ever triple crown.

We dried off and continued our walk around the lake. We were surprised when a couple crossed our path, and even more surprised to discover it was Chad and his fiance. It was a pretty obscure and remote location, and they were equally surprised to see us. They were on their way to Keyhole Plateau. In an effort to bolster confidence in the others, I asked him to tell us about his experience on Darwin. This strategy somehow backfired, and he described a dangerous route where ropes were needed. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, considering every other person I asked about the peak said the class 5 rating was grossly exaggerated. Chad realized his mistake after the fact, and sent an email apologizing for his severe critique of the route. While his frightful experience was most likely due to him taking the wrong route, the damage was done, and there was now nothing I could do to convince the others. We said goodbye, and continued our way around the outlet of the lake back towards to our packs.

I spent the rest of the afternoon running through different scenarios in my head, but the decision was simple. I either had to climb Mt Darwin solo, or cut the trip short and head back with the others. We got back to our packs and continued towards the Darwin Lakes.

With a lot of daylight left, I wanted to camp at the easternmost lake, as this would make our final day easier, but the others found a couple nice spots that they didn’t want to pass up. I lost the vote once again, so we settled beneath the northern face of Mt Gould. It was a marmot paradise.

I have to admit that I was pretty tired myself. The longer I thought about it, the more I leaned towards cutting the trip short. I started to miss Asaka and Leif. The easy way out became more and more appealing. I decided to hike out with the others, so long as we could tag Mt Lamarck on the way out.

The next morning we began the dreaded march towards Lamarck Col. I spied some huge trout in the water below. I stopped to try my luck but didn’t get a bite.

I took my time up to the col. Every now and then I would look back enviously at Mt Darwin. We were so close to the peak and the FOMO was killing me inside. I began documenting several possible camp sites for a return trip. Perhaps I could even do it as a day hike during the Sierra Challenge the next month.

We reached the pass where I was able to get service for the first time in days. I sent a text to Asaka telling her I was alright.

We dropped our heavy packs and began up the ridgeline towards Lamarck Peak.

While this peak can be attained via a class 2 route just below the south side of the ridge, I felt inclined to challenge myself and take a more direct and challenging route.

I found a keyhole that got me through an impasse, and challenged the others to do the same.

Dully took my challenge head on and found an alternative way up the granite wall.

The next challenge was a boulder problem along the ridge. Dully again answered the call.

Where was all this enthusiasm earlier? We could have easily climbed Mt Darwin with this newly ascertained zeal. The final distance to the peak was an easy walk up, and we soon found ourselves on the summit. To the north was Mt Humphreys.

To the east were Upper Lamarck Lake and Owens Valley.

To the southeast were Cloudripper, Mt Agassiz, North Palisade and Split Mountain.

To the south were Mt Darwin and Mt Mendel.

To the west was the higher north peak. The others were interested in bagging this bonus peak as well, so we signed the summit register and continued on to the next objective.

The top was easily attained.

We had enough juice to go for the west summit, which was a sub peak but a fine objective.

Getting to the base of it was easy and we were rewarded with some fun class 4 scrambling.

Dully championed up the pitch and conquered the summit fin, while Colin felt the exposure was too rich for his blood.

We traversed from the west summit back to the col.

We stopped along the way to practice our scrambling. I was a little overconfident and inadvertently found myself on stiff class 4 and possibly even low class 5.

I almost bit off a little more than I could chew, so I very carefully made my way back down. Lesson learned, I suppose.

We shouldered our packs once more and began the short but steep hike down to North Lake.

I began having trouble on my descent and started to overheat. I was out of water and the nearest respite was Lower Lamarck Lake. I toiled down the sunny trail, a little bit concerned for my well being.

My death march ended with a nice swim at the outlook of Lower Lamarck Lake. Colin caught a fish, but I came up empty handed.

I was able to keep cool enough for the rest of the hike out. I enjoyed the green aspen leaves quaking in the breeze.

Once back at the car, we drove to the Whoa Nelly Deli for a well deserved meal. While I didn’t get every peak I wanted, I got the most important one in Mt Goddard. That peak deserves a “Tough Bastard” designation. I was now one step closer to completing the Sierra Emblem List.

[little-red-beret]

Soukoku pls. Dazai goes home from the ADA with a very bad migrane and chuu gets home later. After dazai throwed up everywhere while he wanted to reach the bathroom. He is all miserable and sick. But also the ADA thinks someone should look after him so they send someone and find chuu and dazai together after he helped dazai and cleaned up. Thank you~ love your works!!!

A/N: Thanks, anon!

When Dazai woke up that morning to a blurred, distorted world, he never questioned it. He thought it was because he had fallen asleep with a face mask on (he had stayed up until 3:30am working on a report that was due and after finishing it had tried to treat himself but fell asleep instead) but even after washing his face, everything was still blurry. As he got dressed, ate breakfast and commuted to work, he constantly wondered what was causing his eyesight to go so bad. It was an overcast day, and by the time Dazai stepped out of the train station rain was pouring down.

Dazai spotted Yosano on his way to work, and walked quickly to catch up to her. “Yosano, my vision has been blurry all morning,” He complained to her. “Do you know what’s wrong with me?” Yosano stopped in the middle of the footpath, face darkening. “Go home,” she warned him. “You have a migraine.” Dazai looked at Yosano in disbelief. “That’s impossible. My head doesn’t even hurt.” “You should probably believe me, Dazai. I’m a doctor, and I know a migraine when I see one.” Yosano replied sternly.

Across the road, Dazai noticed a blurred Atsushi making his way to the detective agency. “Well, I don’t like your answer to my complaints and you can’t SEE a migraine so your argument is invalid. I’m sure Atsushi will give me a better response. ATSUSHIIIIIIIIIII!” Dazai called, dashing across the road. “You’ll see, Dazai! Just remember I warned you!” Yosano called after him.

“Atsushi, everything has been blurry all morning! Why do you think this is?” Atsushi blinked at Dazai with a puzzled look on his face. “It’s raining, so why don’t you just wash your eyes out with the rain?” He suggested curiously. Dazai liked this response much better, and it seemed like a good idea, so Dazai happily caught the rain in his hands and wiped at his eyes. However, everything was still blurry, so he decided it was best to drop the topic for now.

All morning Dazai caught Yosano watching him from across the room, eyes gleaming psychotically. Dazai had no clue why she was bothering. She had already tried to tell him it was a migraine and he had proved her wrong. He still felt completely fine, and was more concerned about why his eyesight was suddenly so bad. Surely people couldn’t go blind overnight?

Close to midday, Dazai learnt that no, people could not go blind overnight, when he was suddenly shocked by a sharp pain in his head. He sat up with a start, eyes wide in surprise. It felt like someone was driving a screw into his temple. Dazai glanced up and his eyes found Yosano, who was grinning smugly, finally able to make the ‘I told you so’ face at him. Dazai only felt half bad for not believing Yosano. He had never had a migraine in his life, so why would this kind of thing start when he was twenty-two? It seemed ridiculous to him. Dazai stood up, but he was so dizzy he simply crashed to the floor, accidentally taking a stack of important looking documents down with him.

One hour later Kunikida’s car pulled up outside Dazai’s house. “Thanks for driving me home….” Dazai said weakly. “Are you sure you’ll be okay by yourself?” Kunikida asked for the fifth time. “I’m fine….bye….” Dazai replied before staggering out of the car and cautiously making his way inside. He had taken painkillers and a nap before leaving the detective agency just so he could be in good enough condition to make it home. Even so, he was barely holding himself together. His head pounded, his vision was tunnelling with each second he spent upright and the pain of it all was enough to make him feel physically ill.

In the entrance to his house, Dazai shut the door and slid to the ground, hearing Kunikida’s car drive away. He really didn’t feel good. At this rate he could have happily slept right here on the floor if it meant not moving, but it seemed Dazai’s stomach had other plans. Dazai moaned in pain but was cut off by a wet burp. It was only then he realised that he may have been about to be sick and should probably go to the bathroom. Dazai grabbed the wall and pulled himself up. Immediately his vision darkened and the intensity of the throbbing in his head increased. He was so stunned and dizzy that he could only manage one step before crumpling to the floor. His stomach lurched and hot acid shot up his throat.

Dazai curled over as a wave of sick spilled onto the floor. He could only take one breath before he coughed up the next wave, retching and gagging loudly. He was glad Kunikida hadn’t stayed after all. This would have been humiliating. If anything, it still was humiliating. As he coughed up his stomach’s contents, all Dazai knew was he needed to clean this up immediately, as soon as he was done.

Dazai’s stomach gave one final heave, leaving him empty and lightheaded. He sat, panting over the mess on the floor, reeling with dizziness, and spat to get rid of the lingering bile in his mouth (he was doomed to clean this up anyway). Despite his head burning like it was covered in branding irons, Dazai was already thinking about how to dispose of this mess. Straight after any disaster Dazai would always be planning his response, as was his calm and levelheaded nature.

Dazai tried once again to get up so he could put his plan into action, but the moment he put weight on his legs he wavered and fell back to the ground. His head pounded. He felt so helpless that he couldn’t help but let out a small whimper. Changing his strategy, Dazai decided it was best to lay right there next to his pool of vomit and wait for the world to steady itself. Or maybe he wasn’t thinking clearly after all and this was just the migraine and his desire to give up and sleep.

As expected, the world never steadied itself, at least not before Dazai became aware of the reverberation of footsteps on the wooden floor. They grew stronger and closer, until Dazai felt a hand on his shoulder. “Dazai,” the voice of an angel called softly from the heavens above. “What happened to you?”

It was none other than Nakahara Chuya, Dazai’s 'hot mafia boyfriend’ (he hated when Dazai called him that) who would probably get Dazai fired from the detective agency if anyone knew they were together. None of that mattered right now, though. Dazai just wanted to melt into Chuya’s arms and achieve a blissful state of unconsciousness.

“I have a migraine….” Dazai whispered faintly. “Sorry…. that mess….” he murmured, and got up to try cleaning again. That went about as well as anyone could have expected. Dazai’s head spun from the sudden movement. He stumbled and fell, only being saved by Chuya’s fast reflexes. Chuya put one of Dazai’s arms around his shoulder and helped him into the bedroom.

There were two bedrooms in the house; this particular room was Dazai’s but they usually shared it. Chuya carefully laid Dazai down, and Dazai felt that he had never been so relieved in his life. It felt like Chuya had placed him on a cloud and he was floating through the bright blue sky…. just how strong were those painkillers Kenji had given him? “Don’t worry about the mess,” Chuya assured Dazai softly. “I’ll take care of it.”

Dazai squeezed his eyes shut, wishing Chuya had closed some curtains before he left. He stayed like that for a good five minutes, until Chuya returned and pulled Dazai into his lap. Dazai responded by rolling over and nestling his head into Chuya’s stomach to block out all the light. Chuya ran a hand through Dazai’s hair, but Dazai’s sensitive skull caused him to reflexively slap Chuya’s hand away. Chuya jerked back, crying out in surprise. “Please do not touch my head….” Dazai whisper-asked politely. Chuya ran his hand up and down Dazai’s back instead, apologising quietly. Everything about him was so gentle and soothing right now. Chuya was only ever like this when he knew something was wrong with Dazai. Despite his suffering, Dazai was starting to relax. Everything felt muted and distant. Perhaps the painkillers and Chuya’s presence were having a good effect on him.

That was all ruined when the door to the room opened. The click of a gun had Dazai sitting bolt upright, causing his vision to tunnel for a second. Chuya rose from the bed, pistol trained on the intruder. “Back off.” Chuya growled. Dazai’s vision came back into focus and he froze. Standing in the doorway, surrounded by bright halos of light, expression fearful but also determined, knife pointed at Chuya, was Tanizaki Junichirou. A member of the armed detective agency was pointing a knife at Dazai’s Port Mafia boyfriend. Two alternate figures of Dazai’s double life that never should have clashed were staring each other down in Dazai’s bedroom.

“Tanizaki?” Dazai inquired in a tone of casual confusion. It was best not to give away his alarm right now. “Step away from him and leave!” Tanizaki yelled at Chuya. He was great at looking tough, but Dazai knew poor Tanizaki was probably scared out of his wits. Dazai sighed tiredly. “Both of you, put your weapons down.” He ordered. Mind foggy from the painkillers, Dazai wanted nothing more than to lay back down and sleep. He screwed his face up in pain and massaged his temples. This was not the time to lose his rationality.

“What’s going on?” Chuya demanded, not taking his eyes off the young detective. “Chuya, this is my coworker. Tanizaki, what are you doing here?” Dazai asked. Chuya tossed his gun onto the bed, no longer feeling threatened, but Tanizaki kept his knife pointed tensely at Chuya. “Everyone was really worried about you, so I was sent to make sure you were okay. The door was unlocked when I got here.” Tanizaki explained nervously.

“Looking after Dazai is MY job. You can go home now, kid. It’s past your bedtime.” Chuya gloated. Tanizaki put his knife away, but the expression he shot at Chuya was icy. “Chuya, you’re half his size. Please don’t talk about my coworkers like that.” Dazai intervened calmly. “What are you to Dazai?” Tanizaki demanded. That was all it took for Chuya to go from 'scary criminal mode’ to shy and flustered. His whole face turned red and he ran a hand through his hair, eyes dropping to the floor. All he could manage was a tiny 'um’ before Dazai decided to do it for him.

“He’s my boyfriend.” Dazai stated bluntly, grinning affectionately at Chuya, who winced and turned even redder. Dazai leaned forward and teased Chuya with a smirk, “What, still not used to that word?” “You’re supposed to be sick.” Chuya hissed, glaring back at Dazai. “Thanks for your concern, Tanizaki. Send my word to the armed detective agency.” Dazai concluded, wishing to hurry things along, and then added with a nervous laugh, “Will you please not tell anyone about Chuya and I? We’re both still very shy about this topic.” Chuya’s embarrassed face only complemented Dazai’s lie. Dazai himself was not shy at all about having a boyfriend. He would show Chuya off to the world if they weren’t from enemy organisations.

Tanizaki gave a kind smile. “Your secret is safe. Also…. I’m sorry for pulling a knife on you, sir. It’s just…. I thought for a second because of all the black clothing that you were from the Port Mafia. Ah, I feel so foolish for thinking that now!” Luckily, Tanizaki had never heard Chuya’s name or seen him before so he truly had no idea Chuya actually was from the Port Mafia.

Chuya laughed nervously. “I’m sorry for pulling a gun on you,” He replied, causing Tanizaki to pause. “Wait…. why DO you have a gun?” He asked uncertainly. “I gave it to him to keep him safe.” Dazai answered hastily. Tanizaki nodded skeptically. “I hope you’re feeling better soon, Dazai!” He said, waving goodbye. “Sorry for the intrusion!”

Once they heard the front door shut, Dazai’s dull pain and drowsiness came crashing back down onto him. He fell back onto the bed, eyes falling shut. Chuya, equally exhausted from the tense encounter, sank onto the bed beside him. He turned his head to the side and whispered to Dazai, hot breath tickling the side on his face. “You’re such a smooth liar, Dazai….” “Maybe lay off the black a little if you want to keep our secret safe.” Dazai slurred tiredly before he lost consciousness.

[serenephenix]

Pizza, Pasta and some comfort

I love taylor_tut’s sickfics to death but the one that really stuck with me was the one about the college AU where Lance appeared on the gang’s doorstep and they all were like “let’s take care of this sick stranger”.

I really couldn’t help myself...

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Pizza, Pasta and some comfort

[Fandom]:Voltron: Legendary Defender

[Rating]: Gen/ Gen Audience

[Genre]: Hurt/Comfort, Sickfic, Friendship

[AU]: college AU/ based on taylor_tut’s The Pizza One prompt

[Word count]:  4,412

[Warning]: illness, fever, vomiting, cuddles, all of the cuddles

[Status]: oneshot/ completed

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Had anyone suggested that someday, he would end up nursing one of his feverish friends on one of his regular Friday movie-night with his roommates, he might have believed them – he just wouldn’t have taken it too seriously.

Right now though, Lance was lying on the couch and Shiro was hyper aware of every huff and wheeze coming from the sick boy, somehow his breaths louder than even the dialogue between the man and woman on TV.

It was probably this bad because he wanted to be sure Lance was not awake when he would finally turn to Keith. But as he glanced back over his shoulder and up at the couch he saw Lance’s eyes were closed, his brow furrowed in discomfort and the soaked cloth they had placed on his forehead slowly slipping down with every little movement he made.

Shiro got up and stretched, the others glancing at him from the corner of their eyes but not commenting when he went to soak the cloth with cool water.

He wrung it out with his flesh hand, his mind drifting a little.

He had seen the signs for weeks and not done anything.

It wasn’t much of a secret to him that Lance worked very hard to stay in college. As far as he could remember from class, Lance had a large family. He loved talking about them whenever the chance presented itself. So it hadn’t taken much figuring out on his part to understand that Lance was doing whatever it took to put as little strain on his family’s finances as possible.

He had known Lance worked a lot, with how he often complained about customers and rushing from one place to another. Shiro just hadn’t fathomed that, beside his classes and the one job he did speak about, he would have another one in a coffee shop.

Him living on his own had been news to him though.

Lance made a small noise when the cloth was placed on his forehead again. He did not look anything like the confident and flirtatious young man who eagerly helped out his peers in class.

With an apologetic smile he turned to Keith, swiftly checking the time on his phone.

“Keith, sorry to ask but could you come with me?”

His younger brother, still nibbling on the rind of his pizza, blinked up at him from the ground.

Shiro checked again if Lance really and truly was out for the count.

“Lance’s boss needs the car back. I just thought better of it than saying it in front of him.” He jabbed a finger at the dozing man in question.

The rind disappears with a loud crunch within seconds as Keith gets up and retrieves his jacket and the key’s for his motorbike.

Stealing the car keys from Lance has nothing to do with being sneaky. He’s dead to the world, flushed and twitching and obviously too out of it to remember what happened later.

Small mercies.

“We’ll be back in twenty. Hope that’s alright?” he asks, Hunk just nodding with his eyes trained on his phone probably looking for some way to alleviate their impromptu patient’s state. Pidge quickly pauses the DVD and scampering off to go and get their card deck or something.

“Thanks.”

The ride wasn’t long, just a few blocks down the road but it was still long enough and quiet enough for his thoughts to race as his eyes dart to look at the rear-mirror to see Keith trailing behind at a reasonable pace for once.

As much as he regrets movie night having been disrupted he can’t help but feel relieved to know that Lance isn’t driving around when he barely could see straight. The kid really was unbelievable. It also makes Shiro realize how much sheer dumb luck was involved in all of this. If it hadn’t been them ordering from that particular pizzeria, Lance might have simply pushed on until he would have collapsed in someabandoned parking lot or ended up in an accident.

Shiro’s grip on the steering wheel turned some of his remaining knuckles white.

The shopkeeper, a woman looking just as dead on her feet as Lance had, was near ecstatic to have the green wreck of a car back. One look at the bags under her eyes and Shiro kind of understood why Lance had been so adamant about returning back to work.

“Sorry for the trouble.” she sighed, pocketing the keys with a jingle at glancing at her wrist watch.

“It’s alright.” Shiro assured, not allowing Keith’s incessant tapping of his foot to rush him. He was immune to it by now anyway. “Are you gonna be alright?”

She waved her hand jerkily.

“Yeah. Won’t have to wait much longer for Dan, thank god.” she mumbled and Shrio got the distinct feeling he was not supposed to hear that last part. She cast him a worried look, “But Lance is alright? I mean, I had a feeling he was not at one hundred percent but I never would have imagined him showing up when he was pretty much cooking from the inside out.”

It didn’t take a PhD to understand she felt guilty about the whole ordeal.

“Don’t worry, he’s with us and we’ll make sure he’ll be back on his feet.”

“Okay.”

When he’d also paid the money for the delivery (leaving a generous tip), he strapped on the spare helmet Keith extended to him and got onto the bike.

They didn’t say anything for a while, Shiro holding on and Keith doing his best at driving as smoothly as possible.

“You’re being too loud again.”

He snorted.

“I guess.”

“What’s on your mind?”

He could appreciate Keith’s impatience at times and even more his unwillingness to shy away from uncomfortable truths and topics. It was one of the things that helped him most after the accident that cost him his arm.

“Trying to figure things out.”

“The usual then.”

Shiro clicked his tongue as Keith slowed down when the traffic light changed from green to red.

“I just wanna help, I guess.” he admitted, watching as cars crossed over the intersection, their lights painting blurs over the red of Keith’s helmet.

His brother gave a nod, revving the engine when the lights finally changed.

“Well, that Lance guy is stuck with us anyway.”

The matter of fact tone made a smile stretch his lips.

“I know. But this will just happen again. He’s too proud when it comes to being independent. I even bet he could hold up with you when it comes to sheer stubbornness.”

If it weren’t for the fact that Keith has to keep his hands on the handgrips, Shiro was sure he would have gotten a punch to the shoulder. Instead there’s a muttered promise to do that later instead.

The drive is too short for him to come up with a solution but his mind continues buzzing and he apparently got Keith to join in as well. The small crease between his eyebrows is indication enough.

They had barely made it through the door and into the room when Hunk’s excited voice greets them, jesting lilt to his words.

“Guys, can we keep him?”

Keith stifles a splutter in the crook of his elbow while Shiro blinks at their friends, still sitting by the couch and grinning conspiratorially.

It was an open secret that the engineer was prone to picking up and trying to adopt strays but Shiro never would have guessed that privilege extending to humans as well.

He noted Pidge’s hand carding through Lance’s hair and felt his eyebrows disappearing behind his white tuft of hair. Pidge was… particular when it came to touching others and even more so when it came to other people’s bodily fluids. It was a common occurrence that, whenever Hunk’s anxiety culminated in a fit of puking, Pidge could be found in her room, headphones jammed over her ears and volume turned up to the max until the storm was weathered.

Despite everything, she had never failed to stand in front of the bathroom door with a cup of freshly brewed tea for when her friend would get out.

But her so readily initiating contact with someone as sweaty as Lance undoubtedly had to be by now, was testament to the guy’s uncanny ability to charm his way into people’s heart – even when utterly sick.

“What gives?” and he jerked his head at the scene.

Pidge adjusted her glasses with her free hand.

“Well, your friend kind of believes I’m his mom or sister or whatever. Anyway, he wouldn’t stop whining unless I patted his hair.”

“And out of the goodness of your heart you readily sacrificed yourself?” Keith observes, expression incredulous. Before Pidge could shoot back a retort Hunk gave a bark of a laugh. Lance did not even stir.

“Naw man, she just couldn’t resist those puppy eyes. But honestly? Nobody with eyes or a heart probably could.” he added after receiving a jab to his thigh from one of Pidge’s rather pointy elbows.

Despite their lighthearted teasing, Shiro’s chest felt heavy.

“So no change?”

The worried edge to his tone seems to dampen the mood, Hunk suddenly growing more agitated and Pidge’s face falling a little.

“We checked again a few minutes ago. His fever hasn’t climbed, probably because of the fever reducers but otherwise… yeah, he’s pretty out of it. Been calling for his mamá and stuff.”

It really was kind of sad.

And to think that Lance might have ended up all alone at his apartment when all he wanted was to have his family around… Yeah, it definitely was a good thing he had wound up here.

When he can’t take the sudden tension any longer, he picks up one of the pizza boxes and makes his way over to the microwave. Warm food will do them some good and maybe movie night is still salvageable.

“You guys get ready to continue watching.” he announced, glad to see smiles returning to his friends’ faces. He caught Keith disappearing round the corner, probably to go and fetch some soft drink from the stash in their shared room.

Soon enough they were back in front of the TV, Pidge having opted to have Lance’s had in her lap with a pillow between them.

“He may be sick but I still have my principles.”

Even with her defiant air, she had no one fooled. Lance for his part, seemed to very much appreciate the attention he got even if he was not fully aware of it. Still, he seemed less agitated than when he had first been parked on the couch. Shiro hoped it was a good sign.

It was well past 1 A.M. when Pidge started nodding off, a development no one batted an eye at: during the week, Pidge stayed up most nights coding and programming and testing theories. All attempts to get her to stick to a somewhat reasonable sleeping schedule had ended in failure partially out of circumstances, partially due to Pidge’s unwillingness to cooperate.

It was something they had gotten used to over time. But whenever they had movie or gaming night, Pidge seemed to relax enough for her body to finally shut down on its own and fall asleep. It was actually why they had made Friday movie night into a standing tradition.

And judging by the amount of squinting Keith was doing he wasn’t far behind.

“You guys wanna check out?”

Pidge startled, trying and failing to assure she could go on around a yawn. Keith mumbled something unintelligible.

“I ache looking at the both of you. Just go to bed already.”

“And leave you alone to deal with the sick person? No thank you, sir.”

Shiro threw her a dry look when she started yawning again.

“Right.” he glanced at Hunk “If you would?”

“Sir” Hunk mock saluted, getting up and going behind the backrest where he put his hands under the girl’s armpits while Shiro went ahead and lifted Lance off of her just enough for Hunk to finally haul her off the couch.

Pidge was far too familiar with this scenario to even put up a fight anymore, just letting herself go floppy as a form of protest, a pout on her face.

“Really now?”

“Really.”

Her expression grew more serious as Shiro placed Lance’s head back onto the pillow.

“You sure you’re gonna be alright?” her voice was small and tentative, prompting Shiro to reassure her.

“I’ll be alright. Just go and get some rest. I’ll get you guys if I need help.”

That seemed to do the trick and Shiro watched as they filed out one by one. Lance seemed calm enough, ignoring the flush of his cheeks and the occasional babble. As he went to stick the thermometer under Lance’s tongue he thought that maybe the worst was over.

Shiro knew he had a knack for jinxing himself. Usually that was alright but right now it was Lance paying the price for it and Shiro, in a sheepish way, felt guilty for it.

“Hey, it’s okay.” he soothed, his flesh hand drawing circles on the sick boy’s back as he retched into the bin Shiro had grabbed the moment Lance started gagging and jerking on the couch.

Whatever had managed to crawl up his esophagus landed inside it with a disgusting splat and Shiro was quick to pull the bin away the moment it became clear Lance was done. Using the damp cloth, Shiro wiped the last traces of vomit off Lance’s chin.

He had been dozing when he had been startled awake by small whimpers and noises coming from the quivering bundle on the couch.

After washing out the bin and returning to the living room, he took a look at the thermometer, feeling betrayed. When he had sent the rest of the gang to bed Lance’s fever had actually dropped to 102.4 but right now he had undeniable proof that it had spiked again.

He sighed, running a hand through his disheveled hair.

“We’re in for a rough morning, buddy.”

To his surprise, Lance’s eyes cracked open a slit their usually vibrant blue dulled and clouded.

“Lance?”

At his name, he looked up at Shiro but it was more like looking through him than at him. He grew alarmed as Lance began struggling with the layers of blankets on him, breaths growing ragged.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. What do you need?”

Shiro no longer truly panicked in these kinds of situations. When Keith had been younger, he had often suffered from some kind of infection and as his older brother Shiro had always been there to help him through. Well, almost always.

The gentle words seemed to do the trick, Lance ceasing his squirming, half-lidded eyes blankly staring into Shiro’s. He went and swept some of the boy’s sweaty bangs back, the latter relishing in the contact, going slack under Shiro’s palm but not saying anything.

Shiro’s heart went out to the poor guy.

“Lance, do you need anything?” he repeated, just to make sure.

When all Lance did was closing his eyes again, he gave a short huff, readying himself to get up and make himself something to drink.

He started at the strangled whine that followed his retreat, his head snapping around to see Lance looking up at him with the most heartbroken expression he’d ever seen on anyone.

A tan hand finally found its way out of the sheets reaching for Shiro and he instantly was back kneeling beside Lance’s head, holding onto that same hand, while he clumsily tried to wipe away a few stray tears with his prosthesis.

“Shh, it’s okay, I’m here, it’s alright.”

Lance’s lower lip wobbled worryingly as he continued leaking tears and snot. He looked utterly vulnerable and Shiro was taken aback by the sudden realization just how much he was starting to care for this kid he helped out in econ once a week.

“Don’ go…” the sob came out so slurred it was almost impossible to understand. Shiro did anyway.

“Of course not.”

The pleading eyes did him in and minutes later found Shiro sitting on the couch, cradling Lance close, one arm supporting his back and the other ensuring Lance would not roll off his lap.

Shiro could feel the heat radiating off the kid even through the layers of fabric, felt the warm breath ghosting over the crook of his neck in short puffs, felt every little movement as Lance tried to get as close to the source of comfort as possible.

It was far from comfortable and made worry churn in Shiro’s gut as he was so invasively confronted with the fact just how ill Lance was but he also felt relief wash over him when the young man settled, breathing something like a contended sigh.

Shiro allowed himself to relax back into the cushions of the couch, Lance following the movement.

He rested his cheek on the all too warm skin of Lance’s forehead.

He still had no answer. Still had no clear idea how to help, although it was all he could think about now. He really wanted to help this loud-mouthed student who could never seem to stop talking about his family, who was willing to share whatever he had worked out for class just as he was willing to ask for everyone else’s notes; wanted to help a poor guy who was obviously pretty homesick and pretty lonely on top of being overworked to the point of exhaustion.

Shiro really wanted to help this kid that reminded him a little bit too much of his younger self.

“Rise and shine.”

Trying to open his eyes was like trying to separate two sticky pages: painful and all too hopeless.

He opted for opening one, glancing blearily at Pidge’s exaggeratedly sunny expression. If petty had a name it would be Pidge Kathleen Holt.

“Morning.”

He sounded awful, like he’d been out drinking.

Pidge had the decency to wince in sympathy.

“Did you two sleep alright?”

It took Shiro a moment to fully understand what she was saying but when her eyes flitted down to his lap he suddenly remembered. From this angle he couldn’t see much more than a mob of brown hair but he could feel and hear the deep and regular breaths coming from the human burrito in his arms and Shiro allowed himself a relieved sigh when he noticed the lack of heat he had fallen asleep to.

He gave Pidge a tight smile as she waited for his answer.

“Could have been better.” He tested moving his limbs, a little stiff from the odd angle he had ended up with but still bearable. Lance snuggled up to him but did not wake.

Pidge made a small cooing noise, impish smile bringing out her dimples.

“Please, don’t say anything and bring me the thermometer.”

With an innocent shrug, she disappeared towards the bathroom and Shiro used that time to untangle himself from the mound of blankets and long limbs. Although objectively, with how tired he had been, Lance not waking up made perfect sense; it was still disconcerting just how dead to the world he was.

Almost out of reflex his hand went to gauge Lance’s temperature and he was pleasantly surprised to find it almost back to normal. Still, he gladly took the thermometer when Pidge handed it to him.

“Hey, Lance.” he gave his shoulder a small nudge.

When he opened his eyes, Shiro was glad to see that they were clear with no lingering trace of a fever. Lance blinked before squinting at him and finally rubbing gunk of his eyes with the heel of one hand.

“Shiro?” he asked blearily and from the sound of it was obvious that, though no longer feverish, he was far from fine.

Shiro gave him a smile: “Good morning. How do you feel?”

Lance appeared flummoxed, brow furrowed as he propped himself up on his elbows, looking around.

“Do you know where you are?” Shiro tried hard not to sound too worried at the lost look he got.

“I…” he hesitated “Is this your place?”

“Yeah.”

There was a short lull, one interrupted by the flushing of the toilet and with Keith emerging from the bathroom, looking at them curiously.

“Morning.”

Lance and Shiro echoed the greeting, the dark-skinned man looking all the more confused for it.

“Good to see your better.”

Lance nodded dazedly, obviously not following.

“How are your hands?”

As though only now realizing there was gauze wound around them, Lance lifted one of them and Shiro was fascinated to pinpoint the exact moment when everything clicked into place for him.

“Oh shoot!”

If it weren’t for his abnormally good reflexes, he was sure he would not have been able to stop Lance from jumping off the couch and sprint out the door.

“Woah, woah, woah! No, you are not getting off that couch unless I’ve taken your temperature.”

Lance seemed ready to argue, some of that spunk Shiro was already familiar with having returned to him and he went ahead and shoved the thermometer under Lance’s tongue before he could even begin to voice his protest.

Plus, the expression of pure shock was totally worth it.

“100.0” he wiped the tip of the thermometer with a tissue as Lance glowered at him, betrayed.

“Listen,” Lance began, Shiro arching one eyebrow knowing exactly where this sentence was going “Thank you for helping me out, really, you didn’t have to-“

“No we didn’t.”

“I know but-“

“But we wanted to.”

Lance’s lips were pursed.

“I need to go.”

“No, you don’t.”

The first bits of real irritation were coloring his cheeks and Shiro considered laying off a little.

“I have to get to work. Anita’ll be waiting and –“

“Lance.” Shiro tried to make his voice as kind but firm as possible, making the boy look up at him in surprise. “You probably don’t remember but I called your boss yesterday and she told me you should not come if you were still sick by today. And I hate to break it to you,” he swiftly interjected when Lance opened his mouth, waving the thermometer he was still holding “but 100.0 still classifies as a fever. So you’re not going anywhere but to bed.”

He watched him deflate under his very eyes. Man, he now understood what Pidge and Hunk had meant by ‘puppy-eyes’ look. But he would not cave. He had worked a little too hard to let his work go to waste.

There was the familiar banging and clanking of pots coming from the kitchen, promising some fine breakfast.

“You hungry?”

The unexpected and perfectly timed gurgle coming from Lance’s midsection was answer enough.

“So, is the coffee there any good?”

Lance gags, shaking himself dramatically.

“From one honest man to another? Don’t go there if you value your taste-buds.”

Hunk, with the seriousness only an army officer should be able to muster, nods once gravely before continuing to stirr the white of the eggs.

Shiro watches the exchange as he tries to figure out where to fit the extra plate on their relatively small kitchen table. Hunk gets along with pretty much everyone but it’s just incredible how perfectly he and Lance seem to fit each other, as though they were two old friends instead of virtual strangers that have met just the day before.

The idea comes to him spontaneously. He also can admit that the execution of it is rather clumsy for his standards. He blames it on the lack of sleep.

“You know” he starts, making Lance stop laughing at the joke Hunk was starting to talk about, almost, almost dissuading him from finishing the sentence “we are currently looking for another roomie.”

It’s half-lie. They’d been discussing the idea recently sure, but there hadn’t been an agreement on the matter as of yet.

Uncertainty and maybe a little shame cloud Lance’s expression, the timing not right just yet to mention anything about his living or work situation.

From behind Lance, Shiro can see all three of his actual roommates making exasperated praying gestures. Were they up to something?

Lance’s voice has his attention snapping back to him.

“You really don’t have to… It’s fine, honestly.” and the way he says it just screams lie. Even Lance seems to be aware of it “Things have just been a little more hectic but I can do it. But thanks.”

Shiro leaves it at that especially when he catches Pidge crossing her arms in an x- shape before dropping it once Lance turns around to hand them a peeled fruit.

They work in silence, although not as depressing or foreboding as Shiro had feared after his massive blunder.

When the mood is considerably lighter and the delicious smell of Hunk’s special omelet wafts through the kitchen, Shiro hears the man in question suggest:

“Tell you what Lance, Shiro has a point.”

At his name he looks back at the stove where Lance is standing with a spatula in hand, eyes trained on the egg sizzling in the pan. Hunk is close by, slicing up some fruit, evoking an air of nonchalance. Shiro knows he’s being anything but and when he catches Pidge’s smirk and Keith glinting eye he suddenly realizes his friends must have been talking after having left him with Lance.

He has to work hard to suppress the proud smile. Trust his brother to understand the strange workings of his mind.

These three were actual blessings.

He listens in on what he can still catch from Hunk’s part of the conversation.

“- if you don’t like my cooking at all you’re absolutely free to go but if you find even remotely good then at least think about the offer. What do you say?”

He gives Lance an amicable smile, while the latter only has half a mind to spare to really think what he is about to agree to.

It was so unfair.

No one could resist Hunk’s cooking. Not that Lance could possibly know that, or that anyone had to mention it when he went to shake Hunk’s hand on it.

It also surprised no one when, a mere three weeks later, Lance almost broke his neck while trying to get one of his moving boxes into Hunk’s room.

[emberlynnrayne]

BPD- My struggle with mental health

[I wrote this for facebook, but felt it was important to have here, too. Opening up like this was incredibly difficult.]

I promised a few days ago to write about my struggles with mental health, so here goes.

My biggest struggles are with a combination of Anxiety, Depression, and something called BPD. While real education about anxiety and depression is sorely lacking generally, it’s still far more understood and accepted than BPD, and I’ve written about them before. So let me tell you about BPD. First and foremost, despite much confusion, it does not mean bipolar disorder. It means Borderline Personality Disorder, and despite how it sounds, it has nothing to do with having multiple personalities. BPD can stem from many things, but in my case, it boils down to the environment in which I was raised. With the combination of my own mother and father suffering from their own untreated mental illnesses, the sexual abuse I suffered, and a myriad of other environmental detriments, I basically did not learn to function in an emotionally healthy way. BPD is different for everyone. That means that you may know someone with BPD who acts completely differently, it means that it needs to be treated differently per individual, and it means that the lasting effects work us in different ways.

I’m going to tell you what BPD means for me.

First and foremost, I feel strongly. I feel in extremes. It’s black or white. Good or bad. Higher highs and lower lows. I feel too much, or nothing at all, and I don’t know how to manage it. I’m getting better, but you have to realize that I don’t know any different. This is just the way it is and always has been for me. Learning that it doesn’t have to be has been slow, and trying to put it into practice has been slower. I can feel utterly overwhelmed by my thoughts and feelings, too full to think or express, or even understand. And I can feel empty. Just, utterly empty. Like a black hole. There’s no bottom. There’s no filling it up, or turning it around. I just have to function around the hole. There’s not always a cause for either. I don’t even know it’s happening when it starts. I just suddenly realized that it is. It is. It also makes me an extremely empathetic person. It also applies to people. I am slow to trust, but when I do, oh my god I love you so much, you’re so amazing and I put you on this beautiful ornate pedestal without ever realizing it. I am loyal to a fault. And it goes the other way, too. If I don’t like you, I really don’t like you. I don’t want to be near you, I don’t want to look at you or talk to you. If you’re in the good with me, it is incredibly hard to break out. If you manage to do something or build up enough things to fall out of the good with me, it’s worse than having been in the bad in the first place. It is incredibly difficult to do, so you would have hurt me or someone I love in a deep and horrible way. You become less than a person to me, you become less than scum. You become nothing but something to laugh at and hate simultaneously. You will never come back to my good side.

It sounds exhausting, doesn’t it? Try living it. On a list of signs and symptoms, this would be ‘unstable relationships’ and 'mood swings’.

I’ve gotten better in this aspect. Of course I still struggle with the extremes, but Im much better about holding people up on unmaintainable pedestals. I recognize that the faults in my loved ones are not secrets to be ignored and hushed, but things to love and understand with them. When you manage to fall from my good side, it is not impossible to come back. It will take time, work, and a level of honesty that is difficult for most people. The honesty is imperative though, because I am incredibly sensitive to lies, and there is no room in my life for liars. So, it is possible, but I still need you to really want it, and be willing to work for it, because remember, whatever you did had to be extreme to go from my good side to bad.

That brings me to the next point, though. Trust. I mentioned that I’m slow to trust. That is an understatement. It is incredibly difficult for me to manage my trust in people. I know that having no trust in anyone is incredibly unhealthy and isolating, so (in my naturally extreme way) I tend to trust the people on my good side almost implicitly. Lies are the easiest way to fall out. White lies, I understand. I can accept now with understanding that the world basically requires them. Unnecessary, repeatedly, or maliciously lying to me, however, is a deal breaker. Generally, though, I don’t trust people. I don’t trust strangers to any extent. No matter your gender, race, or how much space is between us, it doesn’t matter how well I know you or how much I love you. There is a deep, however slight, level of mistrust. I suspect they intend me harm. It’s irrational, but there is only one person I trust without a shadow of a doubt. The ones you love the most hurt you the worst, after all. So who can you trust? It’s such a big part of my BPD, that it actually has sub-topics. Because of the incredibly unhealthy environment I was raised in, I developed an acute sense for people’s character, integrity, and trustworthiness. It is not a brag, it is not a fun game, it is not something I usually want to 'test’ or discuss. It is an unfortunately necessary skill I had to develop to protect myself. That being said, it is always happening. I know if I’m being lied to. If I like you, I will quickly analyze it, and probably choose to ignore it, but I rarely forget it.

Once again, it goes both ways. I consider myself an incredibly honest person. Unless I am in a professional environment, I don’t typically hide what I think or how I feel. It’s difficult to do if I want to. ( I’ve actually had more than one conversation about my eyes and eyebrows away my thoughts.) I joke about 'word vomit’ on the regular because I struggle to filter my thoughts and words. (Communication in general is a topic we’ll get to soon.) I am an open book, for the first few layers, and if you care enough to ask, if I’m comfortable enough with you, Im usually open to talk down to my core. If you’re on my good side, if I love you, I truly give you my whole self. My heart is yours and I genuinely love you. I can’t not.

Personal communication. Holy shit, guys, if you gave me a month’s notice to prepare and asked me to verbally express this to you, I could not. Verbal expression is incredibly difficult for me. I can’t think when I hear my own voice, and I process incoming information best by reading or watching, too. This one is another unique to the cause of my BPD. I could give you exact details why my brain works better this way now, but that’s another story. I can’t think when I’m talking, which makes filtering, controlling, and generally communicating incredibly difficult. I get overwhelmed by the sound of my own voice. When I hear it my brain screams at me to stop talking, to the point that sometimes I’m not even sure what I’m saying anymore. It is an overgrown scar from the fight or flight response, in which my voice fled, because fighting with my voice was a wet noodle against a brick wall. My voice meant nothing, and to exercise it usually brought trouble and pain. I can write, though. I was a caged bird with so much to express. It found an out through writing- my vocabulary the muscles I could flex freely, my escape was reading, my breath was writing. The only freedom I always had was writing. I can write. I can’t speak.

But it’s currently 3:40 in the morning and while I love to write, writing about myself and translating my massive struggle into something I feel accurately expresses it, is difficult and exhausting. For now, I may need to dial back the explanations and keep it simple. If I can, I’ll expand upon the parts I feel I should later.

I have intense abandonment issues, and practically no self esteem. I truly struggle with the belief that people don’t actually like me, they’re just being nice and tolerating me. One day, they’ll all get bored of me, or grow to hate me, or I’ll do something wrong, or we’ll just grow apart and I will 100% lose everything I have and everyone I love. I haven’t been able to tackle that yet. Its almost a fact in my mind. The sky is blue, and everyone in my life will leave me. Grass is green and I am a worthless pile of human waste. The sun is a star and I hate myself and I’m terrible at everything I will ever try to do or be. Forgive me, I know that’s the part people usually jump to argue with first, but please don’t. It’s not based in logic. I appreciate the sentiment, but it almost makes things worse. My brain says 'look at how they pity you, pathetic thing’. It’s ugly, but it’s my reality.

The second ugliest thing that people seem to struggle with is self harm and suicidal thoughts. It’s not always cutting or burning, or jumping or hanging. For some people it’s over eating. For others it’s substance abuse. For some it’s spending, for others it’s sex. Self harm, for me, it is either vivid thoughts of being roughly, uncomfortably bound with rope or wire. In a completely not-sexual way. Being able to tighten it or struggle against it and feel the pain. I don’t know why, but that’s what it is these days. The suicidal thoughts for me are much more passive. “What if that car swerved and hit me.” “What if I got really sick and there was no cure.” “What if a vein popped in my brain and I bled out.” Not actively trying, or even hoping. Just recurring thoughts of the end of my life. (Let me reassure you, right now, because suicide is no joke and it is not something I take lightly. I have no intention of trying to end my life. I have no intention of letting anything else do it for me. If I can avoid it, I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. I promise.) It’s just one of those things. Like a song getting stuck in your head. It just happens.

I am sensitive. I notice the slightest change in the tone of your voice. I notice the twitch of your brow. I see the wringing of your hands. These tiny changes can be absolutely nothing, and part of me will know that, but the other part of myself is already obsessing about what I’ve said and what mistake I’ve made and how much I’ve upset this person or how far I’ve just managed to push them away.

I take it to heart when you make a joke at my expense. Even if you’re kidding, and I know you are, even if its super funny and I’m laughing my butt off, even if I know that it’s absolutely untrue, a sliver of it goes straight to my soft heart. It will sting regardless, and I will stress and worry that it might be true.

I am socially inept. I second guess EVERYTHING I do socially and if I make a slip that you’ll forget in seconds, I will still be mentally beating myself up for it the unforeseeable future. (As I write this, one slip I made 4 or 5 months ago comes to mind, and it still makes my stomach drop and anxiety raise.)

I am incredibly hard on myself, with a massive guilt complex, and have absolutely no idea how to to cope with or express it. If I accidentally stepped on your toe, I am immediately burying myself in insults and scolding and hating myself. I am imagining the rough ropes binding me, and wishing I could just disappear. I’m already so far gone in my mind that in reality I am clumsily trying to apologize and the worse it is, the worse I feel, the less I know how to express my regret properly. No one wants you to cry with guilt over stepping on their toe. So I can seem stilted and callous. I know sometimes it seems like I’m not sorry, but I just don’t know how to express it in a socially acceptable, healthy way. I genuinely blame myself completely for things I had absolutely no control over, and I’m always apologizing. Sometimes I’m apologizing just for existing, taking up space and your time with my foolish self. But that’s not socially acceptable to say. To I apologize again with a laugh or joke, so it’s easier for everyone to move on.

I, personally, struggle with the need for validation and reassurance in a very big and real way. I can’t really express why and how, but it’s so, so important to me.

Trying to juggle this issue and trying to remember and practice functioning like a healthy person absolutely contributes to my anxiety and depression. It is exhausting and isolating, and even as I write this, I’m not sure if I’m actually learning to function in a healthier way, or of I’m learning how to pretend better. I am happy and life is generally good, but these are deep set scars that are going to take a long, long time and a lot of effort to work through.

So there you are. An incredibly intimate and honest look at my struggle with mental health. My cards are on the table and Im nearly out of words.

I know that being around me requires a level of patience that not everyone has. I know that loving me can be complicated and challenging. But I feel your support. It is immeasurably appreciated. It is held with serene awe and gratitude. To know that people actually choose to spend their time sharing any level of existing space with me, always surprises me and brings me strength.

Thank you for reading.

[hazelandfrank]

Christmas Party.

This is my gift for @idioddyssey for @pjosecretsanta2016 (it wont let me friggen tag) sorry its late!

I hope you like it! Also sorry if the formatting is messed up I had to post this from my phone :/

- A call came through just as Nico was putting groceries into his car. His sister’s face lit up his phone and he answered it.

“Pleaseeee Nico” Hazel pleaded over the phone. “Please come to the Christmas party.”

Nico sighed audibly. Again with the Christmas party.

It’s not that hates Christmas, but he prefers to share it with family and close friends and recently the company he works for decided to bring together its two branches, San Francisco and New York for one big joint Christmas party in New York, which means hundreds of employees that he doesn’t know.

“You have Frank going with you, why do I also have to be there?”

This time Hazel sighed, “Please Nico, Annabeth and Percy are going on holidays for Christmas, and Jason and Piper are going to visit Piper’s father. So it’s just going to be you, me, Frank, and Leo, if he doesn’t change his mind last minute and disappear again, it’ll be the last time you’ll see them till the new year.”

Hazel has a point, but the thought of putting on a pleasant face and playing nice with people he doesn’t know dissuades him, he does that enough as he travels between the branches as a HR representative, a job he doesn’t hate but doesn’t love, when does he also have to do it during the Christmas break?

“Pleaseeee Nico” Hazel begs after a few minutes of silence.

Nico knew that even he continued to say no he’s going get home to their shared apartment and she’s going to beg him all night.

“Fine. Okay.” he said, it’ll save him a night of torture.

Hazel let out a happy scream making Nico pull the phone from his ear to stop himself from being defended.

“Thank you! It’ll be fun, also you have to wear a Christmas hat, bye talk soon!”

Hazel hung up and Nico sighed. He was going to regret going.

- He didn’t.

Well, he did, but not as much as he thought.

A few people teased him for the santa hat he was wearing, but it was very entertaining to watch people he worked with get drunk.

The night had started off simple enough, a few speeches, the bosses thanking everyone for a great year of work, exchanging of secret santas, Nico had given Annabeth a book on Architecture, and he had received a $20 gift voucher to Hot Topic, which many people found hilarious.

And then came on the drinks and it seemed like everyone was drinking with the goal to get drunk.

Nico wasn’t, while he did occasionally had a drinks with friends, he was only 20 and wasn’t big on drinking in front of his bosses.

Nor was Percy, who Nico was pretty never had a drink in his life, though Annabeth did, Nico figured out when she came stumbling up to him.

“Nico!” She said loudly, wrapping her arms around him to give a tight squeeze, he tried to escape her grip before accepting that he was being hugged.

“Thank you so much for the present” she whispered to loudly in his ear.

Nico gave her a raised eyebrow as she pulled away.

“Percy told me, sorry” she said, whisper-yelling again.

Nico smiled, “it’s cool, glad you liked it” he said.

It wasn’t hard to buy for Annabeth, she was constantly raving on about architecture and studying it part-time, he only spent 30 seconds deciding what to get her.

Annabeth smiled a knowing smile and leaned it, “I know who got you your present.”

Nico was about to ask when Percy called out.

“Annabeth! There you are!”

He walked over and pressed a kiss to her cheek, “We should get going soon, our flight leaves at 7 in the morning.”

Annabeth nodded and hugged Nico again, he just let it happen this time, “Merry Christmas!”

Percy gave him a pat on the back and a smile, “Merry Christmas Nico.”

“Merry Christmas guys, have fun on your vacation.” he said with an easy smile, he had once had a crush on Percy and resented Annabeth, but it was had to hate either of them when he saw them together, it was easier to move on when he saw how much Percy loved her, how much they loved each other.

They left and Nico took a seat next to the nibbles table, idly played with the food when Will came over.

“Nico!” He said loudly. Nico had to suppress a groan.

It wasn’t like he hated Will, in fact he did enjoy Will’s company just as much as everyone else. It was just that Will was always so bright and happy, it was difficult to deal with everyday of the week, and Nico assumed drunk Will was worst.

“How you been?” Will asked in a drunken slur. Will was only freshly 21 so he probably took any opportunity to get drunk.

“I’m good Will, how are you?” he asked, attempting polite conversation.

“I'mmm…” Will blinked slowly as he trailed off, after a moment he started tipping sideways. Nico stood quickly to catch him but Will caught himself at the last second and straightened up.

“I’m good, I’m good” he said, holding up his hands.

Nico raised an eyebrow, “I think you should go home.”

Will nodded slowly, Nico reached out and grabbed his arms to keep him steady.

“Will? You need to go home.”

Will stared at him with deep concentration, “Nico,” he said softly. “Nico, I like you so much, but I’ve always been scared to say it because I think you hate me, Nico, Nico, I think I’ve loved you since the first day we met.”

Then there’s silence, Nico can even hear the music even though he’s pretty sure there are people in China who can, everything just sounded like white noise.

Will just confessed his love for him. “Nico!” someone called out, barely audible over his thoughts, which were like a raging river.

Nico dropped his hands and took a step back from Will when Leo came bounding up.

“Nico! Ha! Hazel’s had a bit to drink and now she think she’s magic.”

Nico looked at Will, who was swaying and didn’t seem to be focusing on anything. “You should go home Will” Nico said.

Will nodded, “yep, I got a taxi coming, see you next year.” he said before stumbling away.

Leo grinned, “Will got you that gift, ha! He was worrying so much about what to get you, I told him to get that gift card for you, hilarious!” Leo said with a grin.

Nico glanced back at Will as he disappeared through the door.

Is this why Will always found an excuse to see him at work? Why, even before they were friends, he would wave him goodbye and welcome him back whenever Nico left on trips? Nico didn’t hate Will, how could you hate someone with such a bright an infectious smile. Who looked like the son of a literal god.

He needed move on, Will was drunk and apparently Hazel was drunk, he needed to focus on that.

Nico looked back at Leo with narrowed eyes, “Hazel is only 20, Leo, why are you giving her alcohol?”

Leo held up his hands in surrender, “I swear I only gave her like two weak ass drinks.”

Jesus Christ, Leo might not live till Christmas if Hazel is as drunk as it sounds.

Nico followed Leo and pushed away his thoughts of Will.

-

Nico woke to the sound of vomiting.

Him and Frank managed to get Hazel home safely, with Frank driving and Nico sitting in the back with Hazel laying in his lap, sleeping.

He was definitely going to kill Leo.

His phone went off and his fumbled around trying to find it in his bed.

Will:

Nico’s stomach dropped, was Will going to text him sorry, I didn’t mean what I said.

Even the thought sent waves of disappointment through him. He was being ridiculous.

Nico opened the message.

I’ve got the biggest hangover. I wonder why, Nico thought. He seemed not to remember what happened or else that would’ve been the first thing he mentioned.

Nico: Yeah, you were pretty out of it last night, I had to tell you to go home.

Nico got out of bed and pulled on a loose shirt and made his way to the bathroom.

Hazel was knelt down in front of the toilet while Frank held her hair and rubbed her back.

“You okay?” Nico asked, not wanting to get to close since he could smell the vomit from the doorway.

Hazel turned slightly and gave him a thumbs up before throwing up again.

His phone went off as he turned away, he felt sick just hearing her throw up.

Will: Jesus, I don’t even remember getting home, I barely remember the party, I hope to lord I didn’t do anything stupid.

If Will didn’t remember then Nico wasn’t going to tell him.

Nico: I think you were fine, I only talked to you at the end of the night, you were fine.

“Who are you texting?” Hazel asked in a rough voice. She was now sitting in front of the toilet, Frank still rubbing her back, a worried look on his face.

Nico pocketed his phone and felt his face heat up slightly, “uh, Will, he was texting to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid.”

“Oh, he was trying to find you last night, something about needing to tell you something very important” Frank said.

Nico felt queasy and he didn’t think it was from the smell. “Oh,” he paused to steady his voice, “I saw him at the end of the night, didn’t say anything” Nico lied, he hated himself for it but it was better if no one knew, for Will’s sake.

Hazel stood up shakily, Frank’s arm wrapped around her to keep her steady, “you should invite him over for Christmas, I heard he wasn’t able to make it back home to his mother” Hazel said.

He returned to his bedroom as Frank and Hazel returned to hers.

Nico: Hazel wants to invite you over for Christmas?

Nico sent the message and felt sick again, was he even going to be able to look Will in the face?

Minutes passed with no answer, then, just as Nico was going to get up and get some breakfast, Will replied.

Will: Do you want me there?

The question caught him off guard, Will had never asked this question before, and Nico had asked similar questions before. If Will didn’t remember the night before, why would he ask that question. Nico needed to question him.

Nico: Yes. 12 o'clock.

-

Nico spent a sleepless Christmas Eve Eve night trying not to think about Will’s hair and his eyes and his easy laugh and bright smile.

Then Nico spent a sleepless Christmas Eve night trying not to think about the next day, confronting Will. He managed to get hour sleep before waking up breathless with Will’s blue eyes in the forefront of his mind.

He sat in his bed for an hour trying to desperately to claw the dream from his brain, he hated himself for having it, and hated himself more for it not being the first.

The sound of footsteps made him leave his bed.

Hazel was up, starting to pull things out of the fridge.

“Morning” she said, looking much better then she did two days ago.

“Merry Christmas” he said, she abandoned her ingredients to walked over to the Christmas tree and grabbed a small present from the tree.

“It’s not much but, Merry Christmas” she said softly.

“I thought we agreed not Christmas presents” Nico protested but he accepted the present nonetheless.

“I know but I swear I spent nothing on it, just a little something to make you feel better” she said, then returned to her cooking.

Nico unwrapped the present to find a photo. It was a photo of all of them.

Him, Hazel, Frank, Percy, Annabeth, Jason, Piper, Leo, Reyna, Grover, even Will.

Etched into the silver frame surrounding the photo was a single word, over and over again.

Family

Nico didn’t cry, but he came very close. He walked up to his sister and wrapped his arms around her.

“I thought you didn’t like hugs” she said with a small laugh.

“I’m making an exception” he said, giving her a final squeeze before pulling away, “I love you, Hazel”

Hazel beamed, “love you too, Nico.”

-

At 11:30, Hazel, Nico, and Frank were almost finished with lunch, when there was a knock on the door.

Nico, who had spent the last 15 minutes not really doing anything, made his way to the door.

The person on the other side knocked again before Nico reached the door.

“I’m coming, I’m-” Will stood on the other side of the door. “Will” said in a breathless whisper.

I think I’ve loved you since the first day we met.

“Merry Christmas” Will said cheerily, he shoved a present in Nico’s hands.

“Oh,” Nico said looking at the box with surprise, “you already gave me a gift.”

Will went red, “Ah, yeah, I’m sorry about that, Leo told me to get it, I didn’t realise it was a joke until you open it.”

Nico smiled and opened the gift, inside the box was a black scarf. Nico had to chuck his old one out because it was old and holy, so during winter his neck was always victim to the harsh winds.

Maybe it was the Christmas spirit, or maybe it was because he finally realised how his heart beat but he surged forward and hugged Will.

Will took a few moments but then he hugged Nico back.

“I like you so much,” Nico started, repeating Will’s own words back to him, “but I’ve always been scared to say it because I was unsure of my feelings, Will,” he paused and pulled away to look at Will’s face to see a surprised look, “I think I’ve loved you since the first day we met” Nico said, he wasn’t sure until the words flowed from his mouth.

Will went a deep crimson, “sorry, I shouldn’t have said that” Will said, looking down.

Nico took a step back before Will reached a grabbed him before he ran.

“I mean I shouldn’t have said it then, I should of asked you out or something, not when I was wasted at a staff party” Will said.

Nico stared a him, blinking slowly, then he reached forward, grabbing Will’s scarf and pulled him toward him.

He heart stopped when they kissed, it felt like a Christmas miracle. Nico had never been good with his feelings but here he was kissing a beautiful boy after telling him how he felt.

A loud wolf whistle broke them apart.

Leo sauntered down the hallway, a pile of gifts in one hand and another was curled in a fist in the air.

Nico grabbed Will by his hand and pulled him inside, “lock the door quickly” Nico said, not letting go of his hand.

His heart felt warm for the rest of the day.

[katleowriting]

Sister of Darkness-History Repeating S1 E9

Summary Entire Work:  Elena has an older sister, her name is Parker Gilbert. Katherine had a cousin who’s name was Patience. Tatia had a cousin who was raised as her sister named Petra. But unlike the Doppelgangers they don’t just look identical, they are the same person reborn. Parker in all of her lives has had powers of the mind. Eventual a Kol/OC romance and many OC’s with almost everyone friendships

https://archiveofourown.org/works/15001889/chapters/38786990

History Repeating

Fell/Gilbert Residence

Parker sat in the living room looking around and deciding she had to go to work. Walking up the stairs Parker changed her clothes in her room quickly before heading back down the stairs. She took a long hard drink of bourbon. After that some of the buzzing went down, and she made her way to work, chewing gum to cover the smell of the bourbon as best as she could.

Mystic Falls High

Parker arrives in time to see Caroline stare longingly after Matt as he walks away, having only offered a basic greeting. With a small sigh Parker made her way to Caroline.

“Caroline! Wait up,” Parker called rushing to catch up to the blonde. “You doing okay? Need anything, girl talk? Boy talk? School talk? Remember anything you tell me is between us.”

“It’s nothing just friend drama, maybe a little bit of boy drama but that doesn’t matter.” Caroline replied before putting on a false cherry voice, “How are you doing? I noticed you weren’t at the party the other night.”

“Oh yeah, I had a pretty bad hangover. I’ve also been getting bad migraines and they aren’t helping when I get hungover very much.” Parker answered as close to the truth as she dared.

“Oh, well that sucks.” Caroline shrugged before heading off to her class.

Walking away and down the hallway Parker quickly said hello to a couple students before walking down the hall to see if her siblings were both there. Spying her sister walking into the history room Parker started her search for her brother. She spotted Jeremy exiting one of his later in the day classes with the teacher. Deciding it looked safe to ask what was up, she walked over to them saying hello.

"Hello Ms. Gilbert, your brother here was just asking about ways to bring his grades up." The science teacher said putting his hand on Jeremy's shoulder.

"That's good Jer, talking to all of your teachers. If he needs help I will do my best to help him out." Parker said earning a raised eyebrow form the teacher before adding, "Even if I am bad at the subject, I’m sure you remember some of my science exploits."

"I see your brother is in good hands, because even your science exploits though not always correct, were quite fascination. That will be due in two weeks." The teacher said going back into his classroom.

"Hey PG, how've you been haven't seen you in a while? Were you sick?" Jeremy asked as they started walking down the hallway.

"Yeah, at first we thought I might have just been hangover but of course me being me, it was worse. Random migraines that get better when drunk and hell of a lot worse when hungover." Parker said jokingly making Jeremy laugh. "I wasn't joking when I said if you needed help I would do it. I think I still have most of my notes from high school somewhere at the house anyway, mom never wanted me to toss them cause I might need them or some Shit."

"I don’t think you’re supposed to swear that much as a member of staff Parker, but thanks sis, see you later." Jeremy said walking off to his own class leaving Parker to walk to her office to go over her schedule and prep for any student or even faculty appointments.

Throughout the day Parker would have to take deep breaths and make herself stay and not run to the bathroom to vomit from the onslaught of the headaches. After about fifth period she could feel the effects strongly, the alcohol she’d drank before heading in having complete run out of her system. She started to feel tired and the buzzing would get stronger at random, so far she hadn’t managed to catch any thoughts throughout the day. Though on occasion she’d catch single words or word fragments, never entire thoughts.

At the end of the day Parker didn't waste any time rushing to her car, and heading home. Once back at the house she realized she’d left her phone there. Because as she walked into her room drinking straight from the bottle, there was a beeping coming from her phone that lay on the side table. Checking the phone, she saw that Jenna wanted her to meet her and Jeremy at the grill for dinner. Putting the bottle on her dresser she walked down stairs and outside breathing in the fresh air with a smile, the booze was doing its job.

Grill

Getting to the Grill parker saw Jeremy and Jenna sitting at a table, both already had food, and there was also food and a glass of bourbon already waiting there for her. Walking over to them she smiled sitting next to Jeremy and listening to Jenna talk.

"Well I can introduce," Jeremy said looking at Jenna.

"I have yet to meet the new history teacher, I heard he's way cooler than Jackass." Parker muttered the second half taking a drink and making Jenna and Jeremy smile.

"Yeah he is, told me he'd give me extra credit if I wrote a paper on something from the towns history."

"Well have you picked a topic?" Jenna asked.

"Well it has to be local and non-internet researched, so." Jeremy said looking at Jenna.

"Well that's easy, you've got all your dad's old stuff." Jenna said playing a pen.

"What stuff?" Jeremy asked looking at her.

"All the founding family stuff, it's all boxed up in the closet. Your dad really liked all that stuff." Jenna answered as Alaric moved by them.

"Mr. Saltzman." Jeremy said introducing him to his aunt and sister. As Alaric and Jenna looked at each other Parker and Jeremy gave each other knowing looks and smirked.

Gilbert Residence

A little while later Parker left and went to the family house and parked in time to see Bonnie rushing out of the house, but for a flash for a second she looked like someone else. Someone wearing clothing that defiantly didn’t belong in modern day Mystic Falls. One name suddenly came to Parkers mind as she got out of the car and ran toward her.

"EMILY," Parker yelled causing Bonnie's body to stop and turn around.

"I can't let him free them, I can't let the vampires be let out." Bonnie said coldly before leaving again.

"Damn it," Parker said running back to her car and thinking back to learning about the vampires.

Fell/Gilbert Residence

Back at her house Parker ran inside and went to the basement. Sara followed her looking worried.

"Park, what's wrong?" Sara asked as Parker started digging through boxes.

"In 1864 twenty-seven vampires where killed, I need to know that location." Parker said ripping through box after box.

"Why, Parker? What about you, if you come in contact with to many people what will happen to you." Sara asked picking up the boxes that Parker threw.

"I went to work at the school and then the Grill, I ignored the buzzing. Booze appears to help dull the buzzing. But I don’t matter this might be matter of life or death." Parker said before pulling out a book with a smile.

"What's that?" Sara asked as Parker started flipping through the pages.

"A journal written by non-other than Emily Bennett herself, it was in case something ever happened to her grimoire." Parker explained before finding the page on the twenty-seven vampires. "And now I know where I have to go."

Parker handed the book to Sara before she ran up the stairs and out to her car. Her mind felt too weak to astral-project anywhere, especially since she couldn’t manage it last night when Shelia tried to have her do it. She needed to hurry before the alcohol quit working. Driving

Fells Church

Parker could feel the buzzing had lessened as she got farther and farther away from the town. Driving into the woods Parker parked her car before running to where she could see Damon talk to Emily/Bonnie.

“Emily” Parker yelled running, she was sent back just as Damon was thrown into a tree and impaled on it.

“Fucking hell Emily, what are you doing?” Parker asked pulling herself back to her feet.

“I won’t let him bring them back,” Emily answered continuing with prepping her spell.

“Who the fuck did you save 145 years ago?” Parker yelled just as Stefan and Elena arrived, Stefan pulled Damon off the tree.

Parker watched as the Salvatore’s and Emily rehashed an argument they probably should have had 145 years ago, completely ignoring her sister who was watching her best friend be possessed by her dead ancestor. Parker watched as the circle ignited into flames, a part of her wanting to watch the world go up like that. She didn’t move or do anything as Bonnie was attacked by Damon, just watched as Stefan pulled him away from her.

Without looking at her sister or Bonnie Parker walked farther into the woods, following the direction that Damon had gone. Her little sister having sent a hurt look her way briefly, she simply ignored it. She followed after the vampire who just lost what he thought to be the only way to get the woman he was in love with back.

[yikos-blog]

maybe don’t read this

i was molested when i was three for half a year, confirmed by my mother. she’s not sure who did it, most likely my father or his friend bc i was living with him at the time. i have a vague memory of feeling bad and confused and getting touched when i was getting put to bed but never knew if that was real or imagined. real.

i was abused when i was 7, visiting my dad on weekends and his roommate, tim, had a daughter a year younger than me. my dad would run errands and tim would let me watch courage the cowardly dog and eat lucky charms once he took off my pants, had me sit on his lap, and put his hands in my underwear. sometimes he would pull his pants down too and take my underwear off and i had to try to keep my cereal from spilling while he moved my hips up and down. it was a game. he told me to count to fifty every time i said i wanted to stop playing because he wasn’t done yet. he told me my dad wouldn’t like it because it’s a grown up game, and i’d get in trouble if he ever knew. i never told my dad.

when i was ten i started living with my mother in a small apartment. she successfully raised me for the majority of a year, then decided she wasn’t an alcoholic anymore and brought bottles home from the corner store every night. and shortly after, she decided that amphetamines surely couldn’t be as bad as she remembered. on my eleventh birthday after my friends had gone home, she had a friend of hers come over. ryan was in his late twenties and drove a blue ford focus. i remember because in the weeks after meeting him, he showed up a lot. they only ever spoke in her bedroom for two minutes or less. and then my mom was shaky and sick all the time and i didn’t know what was wrong, but she started going to her boyfriends house at 9 every night, when i was supposed to sleep. ryan started showing up at 9 to keep me company, he said. i was grateful. i was worried about my mom, i told him. i was scared. he reassured me that she will be okay, and i believed him. he started asking me about my friends and what boy i had a crush on at the time. i didn’t have one. i said i didn’t like boys and he said i must be a dyke, or i needed to kiss a boy to make sure i wasn’t. i was eleven. i didn’t know what dyke meant. he explained that i needed to like a boy so i wouldn’t turn into a lesbian. i believed him. he said he could do it, but i would have to listen to everything he said. i believed him. he kissed me. i didn’t like it or dislike it, and when i told him so, he said we needed to do more. he kissed me again and put his tongue in mouth. i pulled away, laughing but uncomfortable. he said more. he said if i didn’t like it, that meant we needed to do more to help me, to make me like boys. i believed him. he took all his clothes off but his underwear, sat on the couch, and told me to take off my shirt first. i did. then my shorts, my underwear. i did. i was uncomfortable but he was trying to help me and i knew that, so i said nothing. then i sat next to him and he started touching my legs. he said i was very pretty, i was so lucky i had someone to help me like this, i could have turned into a lesbian without him, imagine how awful that would be. i was confused. he kept touching my legs, rubbing over everything, told me to open my legs just a little bit so he could help. i did. while he touched me he told me how good of a job i was doing, that i was acting so much more mature than most girls my age, that i was doing so well. i moved my legs apart more when he told me to. he kissed me again, his tongue too big in my small mouth, and slowly put a finger inside of me. he kissed me more and tried to put another finger in, but i said it hurt. he said that’s okay, it’s supposed to at first, and that i was being such a good girl. he put two fingers in. he pushed them in and out. too quickly, too hard. i did not like it, i was afraid, i said stop please, he didn’t hear me. he kept finger fucking me, and pulled out his erection from his underwear. i had never seen a penis up close before, only knew that boys had them. ryan had me touch it. then told me to lick it, that i had to. he put it in my mouth and told me i was such a good girl. he showered me with praise. i felt like i was going to vomit but kept going because he said i needed to, and i didn’t want him to think i was bad. i was afraid. he laid me on the couch on my stomach. he put his dick in me. just a little, he said. if i still didn’t like boys, this would definitely do it. it hurt. i started crying. he kept going, just a little. not all the way. he promised he wouldn’t go all the way. through my tears i asked when we could stop, he told me just a minute. after that minute he stopped and gave me more praise. he said he had to leave but he’d be back tomorrow.

tomorrow arrived. then the next and the next and the next. at least three or four times a week ryan came over at nine thirty and helped me. he wasn’t as nice anymore. he’d pin me to the kitchen wall and help me when i told him i didn’t need his help anymore. he convinced me that i did. i was afraid. every time i saw that blue car i felt panic. the sound of the engine pulling up made me dizzy. i didn’t know what to do. i was afraid. what was i supposed to do? i was afraid. i can’t remember how many months this continued for. i just remember the day my grandparents came to take me home, because it became clear that my mother was on drugs. i was twelve.

when i was fifteen i went on a trip with my dad to new orleans to see his friends there. the family was very nice, with a fun home. i met miranda, a girl my age, she was determined to get me my first kiss because i told her i had never had a boyfriend. we went to the beach in florida at a hotel, and alas, there was no one for me to kiss. darn. i made friends with her older cousin, eddie. he was twenty four, but talked with me about harry potter and interesting science topics. i liked him. one night the family had gone to a restaurant, but i stayed with eddie and miranda’s younger sister. we were sitting on the floor beneath the couch. she was watching tv near us, but out of sight. eddie asked if he could kiss me. i wasn’t sure. i said okay, sure. he made me say yes or no, i couldn’t just say sure. i said yes, he kissed me. he put his hand in my pants. i didn’t want it but i liked him. he made me start stroking his dick, i didn’t eally know what he wanted me to do, so we went to the bathroom and he pulled down my shorts and started eating me out. i enjoyed it but i was nervous. somebody returned to the hotel room so we quickly left. down the elevator, onto the beach. he continued eating me out there. back up into the elevator. he pushed the stop button and grabbed my hips. pulled out his dick and began grinding and sliding it between my legs, almost into me. he asked if he could put it in, but earlier i heard him say that he thinks 16 is a respectable age to lose your virginity. he assumes i’m a virgin. i reminded him, and he sighed and led me to the stairs. he leaned against the railing, pulled my bikini top off and had me suck his dick. i wanted to make him happy but started to feel like i was going to vomit, starting to panic, and then he asked if i would swallow it, and i nodded. he said it might taste salty, i still nodded. he came down my throat and held my head there, i didn’t have to taste anything. i put the top back on. we walked back to the room. he grabbed my ass the whole way back. later he texted me saying i shouldn’t tell anyone. that it would only get us both in trouble so i promised i wouldn’t.

i am at the mercy of everything

i am at the mercy of the world

the laws of the universe are cruel and unforgiving and i am too fucking weak to live with this flavor of vulnerability