#and atlas is THERE and he hugs him and he's so fucking relieved that - whatever his brother was meant for - he survived.

[nobodieshero-main]

NOBODY MOVE I'M HAVING POSITIVE THOUGHTS ABOUT MORDRED AND ATLAS.

[willowkeyes-creates]

Maybe Not A Hero, But Still A Side

Warnings: Swearing, self-deprecation, near-death sorta?, Remus making an innuendo Set after Redux.

@hufflepuff-deceit ------------------------------------------------------------ Roman

I’ve been losing my touch for years now; it shouldn’t hurt this much to know that Thomas has finally figured it out. I’m not his hero. I was once, back when we began making short videos on Vine, maybe again when that failed and we stuck to YouTube… But I’ve just been lying to everyone for ages now.

I’m no Prince.

I’m not good.

There’s… little difference between Remus and I if you look close enough.

I’m no one’s hero. 

With a heavy sigh that fails to dislodge the lump in my throat, I collapse against the soft grass of the Imagination and let the cold rain wash over me. The cliff I’ve decided to sit on has a view over the ocean that, before all of this, I would love to just stare at and take it in for an hour or two. I’ve been in here for a week, maybe two if I’ve paid less attention then I think I have, but I can’t bring myself to show my face to anyone yet. Or, I can’t bring myself to look at the others and not feel so much that my chest wants to explode with emotions I can’t control.

Anger, frustration, confusion, betrayal, guilt- there’s so much guilt. So much for so many things that I don’t know what to do with it. Hiding it away and pretending that it doesn’t exist doesn’t help anymore. Lying doesn’t help me anymore.

Maybe Dece-... Maybe Janus knows me better than I thought. Maybe he should be one of the Light Sides; a Side that helps Thomas with his issues. Because he’s been doing a better job than I have. I just stood there as Patton hurt Thomas! I let him tell me what I should be doing- I let him tell me to go to that stupid, fucking wedding instead of what could have been the best opportunity of Thomas’ life!

My hands tangle themselves in my hair as I scream at the rain. As I scream at Patton, at Deceit, Janus, Patton- at Thomas. Myself. Everything and everyone. I just scream until something starts to hurt, then scream some more. I just want all of this to go away.

Instead, I scream until I’m too tired to scream anymore. I just lay an arm lengths away from the edge of a cliff, stare at what I guess to be a nice sunset, and just… do nothing. I don’t want to do anything anymore. I’m so tired. So sore. Thomas can last a while without me; and even more if Remus decides to take the spotlight now that I’m not around.

I should get out of the rain though; it’s starting to get really heavy. With a grunt of effort, I haul myself to my feet and throw my hoodie on despite every part of me being drenched already. My first step causes something below me to crack and I freeze to hear a second and third to follow suit. I frown down at my feet as I take another step, only for it to slip against something and send me back onto my back with a heavy thump. And a loud crack.

There’s a second of weightlessness as the ground falls out from beneath me. The sky seems to get so far away from me so quickly, with my hand reaching out as if a cloud will catch me as I fall. But what is now the edge of the cliff passes by me, I shut my eyes tight and wait for the pain of hitting the crashing waves below. For the possible breaking of my bones, for the head trauma, for the relief of not having to think while I’m unconscious-

Something wraps around my wrist and every part of me screams at me to hold onto it. Both hands grab onto the… arm of whoever caught me.

“Seriously!? I thought I was the crazy twin!” My eyes shoot open at the all-too-familiar voice to see Remus smiling down at me. It’s… a relieved smile, for some reason. 

Then I see what’s behind him. Remus is nowhere near the edge of the cliff and has both of his legs being held onto with a hand each, while two other hands hold the three of us up. Out of all the Sides to have come here, I didn’t expect these two.

“Ro. Hey.” With a couple of blinks I focus back on Remus’ face, while the lump that was once in my chest now sits up in my throat. He needs to stop looking at me like that. They’re both looking at me... “You alright there?”

“I-... N-No.”

“Remus, I don’t believe you know this, but the three of us are hanging off a cliff right now. Of course he’s not bloody alright!”

“Okay, okay! You gonna pull us up then, or what!?” 

One moment I’m watching the two argue as my legs dangle over the dangerous ocean, the next I’m back on solid ground and I can feel tears building up as I realise what just happened. They rescued me. They’re heroes…

“Roman?” Remus’ voice is too soft, too filled with worry over such a useless Side. In a world of my own creation, where I rule, I still can’t be anyone’s hero because I’m too busy needing saving myself. I was saved by those I called villains. “Fuck- Jan, he’s crying! Did he hit his head?”

I shake my head and curl my legs up to my chest; the lump in my throat now painful and starving me of air. It’s all too much. Everything is so much while I can do so little. Like an ant in a rainstorm without shelter. Like a mortal trading places with Atlas to hold up the sky. Like a stupid Prince who’s been thinking so much of himself, when he actually just insults others and makes everything worse!

So when I feel fingers in my hair, I push them away only for arms to wrap around me and hold me close to someone’s chest. Even as I keep struggling, two more sets of arms wrap around me and feel so warm against how damp and cold my skin is. I feel fingers in my hair again- gloved fingers. With another gloved hand holding my own and rubbing their thumb across the back of my hand.

“Ro? You sane now?” I attempt to swallow the suffocating lump, but fail as it feels even bigger than before. What am I supposed to say? I am sane- I always have been sane. I’m just no longer blind.

“... I guess so…”

“Good, ‘cause I gotta tell you off for scaring me. Do you know how hard that is to do? You big-headed… butt-head.”

“Not the time for insults...” I guess the extra arms are coming from Janus. He shouldn’t be comforting me; not after what I said. Not after I hurt him after he showed us something so… terrifying… And I fucked it up. I destroyed so much with so few words. 

“So, you gonna thrash around again? I can let go if you want. I doubt I smell like roses and honey or whatever...” A set of arms goes to release me and in that moment, I decide to be selfish and quickly grab hold of them. Then move to grab hold of him. Both of them. And I just cry. 

“I-I’m sorry… For your name, and ignoring you, and calling you villains, a-and threatening you- I threatened you so much… Fuck…” I can smell them both and it’s such a weird scent, even more so with the scent of rain mixed with them. There’s honey and lavender, but also Thomas’ deodorant and something close to when Patton forgets to put the lid of the trash bin back on. It’s gross, but comforting.

I shouldn’t be comforted. 

“Roman, it’s-”

“No!” I pull back to see them both, again hating the look in their eyes. Janus’ heterochromatic ones and the bright red ones of my brother, both looking at me with looks like so much worry. “Stop looking at me like that! I don’t deserve it! Or this! Or to be saved-”

“Stop it, Roman-” I swat the reaching gloved hand away and fall backwards, out of their arms, before digging my palms into my eyes to see the dancing spots instead of seeing the kindness I don’t deserve. 

“I screwed up so much! I ignored you, Em! I pretended that you didn’t exist! What so-called ‘good guy’ ignores his own twin!? None! Because I’m not fucking good! I never was! I’ve never been a hero!”

“Roman!” “And I knew that your name was important to you, Dec- Janus! God, I don’t deserve to call you by your name! I laughed! I… I fucking laughed! After you saved Thomas, while I just made shit worse! I made fun of it!”

“And I compared you to Remus while you were in a vulnerable state- Stop apologising and look at us!” 

It’s something in the way Janus says it, it could be how his ‘s’ are starting to be held longer or the actual desperation from him that I’ve never heard before, but I take my hands away from my eyes and look up at them. 

Remus is grinning brightly and without any of his usual craziness behind it. He looks happy as he stretches his arms out towards me- now making grabby hands at me as if he wants a hug from me. It’s… weird to see him so happy. Is he usually straining his smile? Or this is a different kind of happy then when he pops up to give one of us a fright?

Janus has a soft smile on his face as he fixes the hat atop his head with one of his six arms. He holds another hand out and motions me to come to them. “We both said some harsh things; and I sincerely apologise for hurting you after so much had happened to you and Thomas. And we’ll talk this through- but later. You look exhausted, Roman…”

“So come here, hug us, and let me carry you to our side of the Mindscape for some microwaved leftovers so that we can be best bros for two minutes before you regret saying that mushy shit to me.” 

The lump in my throat doesn’t hurt as much- but is still very much there. We do have a lot to talk through, but I am also so tired. And cold. And I nearly just fell into bone-shattering waves. Remus’ open arms and Janus’ inviting look warms something inside me and pushes me into my brother's arms. He holds on tightly with fistfulls of my shirt, as if I’ll disappear. I did this to him… I made him scared that I would leave him again.

“No, Rem…” I have to fix this. I have to become better, instead of sulking away in my Imagination. Doing nothing, solves nothing. If I want to be a hero, I have to work for it again. From the bottom up. Which starts with Remus. “More than two minutes…”

“Sixty-nine minutes?” 

“Sixty-nine years sounds better. Especially with an infinity on the end.”

“Sixty-nine infinities? What legendary stamina…”

“You’re gross and insane.” Yet I only hold onto him tighter. His hugs have always felt like I’m not missing a part of myself, as if everything will be okay and nothing will be bad again. It’s a huge lie, but no one else’s hugs can make me feel this kind of safe. 

“Come on. I love standing in drenched clothing and I totally don’t want Roman to try the lasagne that we made yesterday.” Holy crap. The leftovers is lasagne!? 

“Oooh! You’ll love it, Ro! The cheese on top is scrunchy, like an exo-skeleton.” Too tired to get grossed out at that rather terrifying image, I just give him a hum to make him know that I heard as he picks me up without issue. Now he just smells like strong deodorant with a hint of trashiness; which is dealable enough to get comfortable against him. 

“You better not be sleeping. You know how I wake people up.”

“With a scream two inches from their face?”

“I was gonna put slime in your shirt- but that works too! Maybe with some blood…”

“Fake blood please, Remus.” I open my eyes and catch Janus’ gaze for a moment. He gives me another smile before bapping the back of Remus’ head since he was making his nose drip blood. “I wasn’t lying! Clean that up before we enter the Mindscape or you’ll stain the carpets again!”

“Those carpets are already stained from last week!”

“I will hide your copy of Betelgeuse! In my room no less- don’t test me!”

Closing my eyes once more, I hear a raspberry from Remus before they start bantering again. A few days on their side of the Mindscape will do me good. With my deranged yet caring brother and… the attractive-looking, snake man that may have just turned my school yard crush on him into a full on I’m-gay-for-you. We’ll have to talk first, and I have to get some flowers to apologise properly with, but maybe one day I’ll ask him out. Leftover lasagne dinner with him and my brother sounds like a good start.

[yixxes]

The Birthday Gift (II)

Warning: none 

Word count: 1035

Summary: Every mistake requires a meaningful apology.

A/N: A second part to this imagine was requested by a couple of people so here it is (: Probably would’ve been here faster had I not been crying over ATLA and getting my ass whooped at lotería. Enjoy!

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One of the first things that you learned when you stepped into the spotlight was that once you were in, it was hard to get out. 

When you signed your first contract, you unknowingly signed away all of the privacy that you previously had. It wasn’t always easy to accept the lack of seclusion, but for the most part you managed. Yesterday and today, you were doing the complete opposite of managing. 

You were absolutely certain that photos of you swinging on your ex were taken by at least one pap, and yet, coincidentally, none of them made the cut. Why? Because an article about a renowned star remaining loyal to her long-time boyfriend wouldn’t sell. They had to spin a story that painted you as some kind of promiscuous hussy because it attracted the attention of vultures that threw their money at those kinds of scandals, and so the song remained the same: the media’s pockets were filled and you came up short handed. You lost sleep in a beautiful hotel, beyond distraught about losing two of the best things that had ever happened to you. 

While you readied yourself the following morning to dive deep into the complimentary breakfast buffet, Tom and Emma sat in the lobby waiting for you to come down. 

It was generally frowned upon and sort of stalker-ish to use someone’s shared location without them knowing, but Tom was much too nervous and ashamed to text or call you. He figured he’d show up to where you were and beg for forgiveness. After what he saw a few hours ago, he couldn’t sit around and think about what he’d say when he spoke to you again. 

Last night, Tom got about as much sleep as you did, which was why he was awake around 4 a.m. when a random account from Instagram DM’ed him the rest of the photos that the tabloids ‘forgot’ to publish. The proof was right there in front of him that you were innocent and that he was so terribly wrong. He felt sick to his stomach going through the pictures. Had he given you the chance to speak the way that he did, you could’ve explained all of it to him. He should’ve believed you and been there to comfort you after some jerk forced himself on you, but he was too busy throwing you out. He couldn’t imagine how you must’ve been feeling. 

As soon as Emma woke up, Tom got her dressed and ready to go, made a quick stop, and then hauled ass to the hotel that your shared location brought him to. Since Emma was an early riser, they got to the hotel around 8. You came down for breakfast about an hour later. 

“There she is,” Tom told his daughter, grabbing up the bouquet of flowers with a firm grasp. Emma looked up from her doll with wide eyes. “come on, darling, we’re gonna go up to her carefully and ask her if she’ll-”

“Y/n!” Emma snatched the flowers from her father and ran over to you. You turned just in time for her to smack right into your lower half. She wrapped her arms around you, unintentionally roughhousing the doll and the cellophane wrap of the flowers. 

“Em, what are you doing here?” you picked her up and hugged her, looking past her to spare Tom a guarded look. He could’ve been there to tell you off some more, but the flowers implied something different. You watched him carefully approach with a nervous look on his face and his hands in his pocket.

Tom nodded towards the flowers. “Those are for you, um.. can we talk for a second?”

The three of you winded up right back where the two of them had been sitting for the past hour, but Emma sat a few chairs away with her doll, out of earshot.

“I don’t even know where to start,” he confessed miserably. “Y/n, I’m so sorry. There’s absolutely no excuse and no apology that could make up for the way that I treated you yesterday. I didn’t give you a chance to speak, I just jumped to conclusions because I thought that-” he stopped short to take a breath, overwhelmed and completely vulnerable. “Look, I know that we’ve been together for a while already, but to this day, it’s still a wonder to me how someone so perfect could find their happiness in someone like me. You’re one of the best things that I’ll ever know and I’m absolutely terrified of losing you. And I know, I know that that’s not an excuse, I should’ve let you talk and I should’ve trusted your truth, and I didn’t and I’m the worst man alive for treating you so bad, but I promise I will make it up to you. I’ll work on us, I’ll work on me, I.. I’ll do whatever it takes. I truly am so sorry.”

You knew he was. The truth of the matter was that he did mess up. And he’d continue to mess up and make mistakes and so would you. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t. The way he acted was shit, but you already went one night sleeping without the two loves of your life and you didn’t want to go through that kind of agony again. He fucked up, but here he was, all pride aside, acknowledging and owning up to his mistake. He’d make up for it in time.

“I know you are.” Tom rushed into a hug as soon as you said that, relieved beyond compare that he was forgiven. “Just don’t do something like that to me again, alright? You really worried me.”

“I know, I know, I’m so sorry.” he sniffled into your shoulder. “I love you so much, I’m so sorry.”

“I love you too, Tommy.”

Emma wriggled her small frame in between the two of you and sat right in your lap. “I bet they have a nice, giant pool around here somewhere. Can we go in? Pleeease!?”

You and Tom laughed, the both of you happy to be exactly where you were. 

“Yeah, I think we can make it work.”

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A/N: k so I’m just gonna tag the people that asked for/mentioned a part two to the first one, hope you guys don’t mind, and thank you for reading.

@iwriteaboutstuff​ @iam-thevillain-of-thisstory​ @miss-cap21 @sushiinmidnight​

@junetto @the-endoftime​ @thescarletknight2014​ @hollandinq​ @adriannajackson​

[much-obliged-timothy]

Dark Days (Rhys&Tim)

Okay so I wrote this one-shot of Timothy going to work for Atlas after being rescued from the casino and forming a friendship with Rhys, and I felt like dabbling in that AU a bit tonight. So here, have a non-proofread one-shot of Rhys being a good friend to Timothy!! (I’m functioning with half a brain cell tonight, pls excuse any typos)

Rhys had been a bit hesitant about hiring Jack’s doppelganger at first, but he had to admit, he was grateful the vault hunters brought Timothy here after rescuing him from the casino.

Even now, he gathered up the paperwork from his most recent presentation- paperwork Tim had put together for him at the cost of another all-nighter. All the information was thorough and well-researched though, and Rhys’ potential investors had been impressed. 

Rhys would have to find some way to thank Tim. A day off, maybe? Though Tim never seemed to enjoy them, despite all his complaining about work.

Something else, then. Maybe it’d be better to just ask Tim what he wanted. He didn’t seem to care much for a pay raise or vacation time, so that always left Rhys a bit puzzled on how to reward him for his hard work at Atlas. 

Rhys’ ECHO pinged with a new message. He finished putting his paperwork together before taking the ECHO and checking the message from Zer0.

Zer0: Went by your office/Timothy had your booze out/Better go stop him

Zer0: :( 

Rhys’ heart sank at the message. Tim had struggled to adjust at first, always jumpy and on-edge after everything he’d been through. But over time, he’d settled in and even seemed to thrive a bit, becoming a good friend to Rhys.

Still, from time to time, he had his dark days. There were days, rare as they were becoming, where Rhys or Zer0 would find Tim drowning himself in whatever booze he could manage to pinch from Rhys’ office.

It was hard to catch him before he got too shitfaced. He knew their schedules well enough to sneak his way in with enough time to get through the majority of a bottle before he was found.

Zer0 must’ve gone off his schedule for the day to find him so early. Rhys hurried out of the meeting room, connecting a feed to his assistant.

“Hey, cancel my next meeting. Something came up,” he said. “Possibly the meetings for the rest of the day. And send the biggest bottle of ibuprofen you can find to my office.”

He thought he might need it more than Tim. Rather safe than sorry when it came to dealing with Tim’s dark days. 

Rhys understood them, though. He’d been a Hyperion employee, after all. He knew the work environment even without Jack breathing down your neck. He couldn’t imagine working directly for Jack, being forced into non consensual surgeries to alter your body and personality, and then being locked in a casino for seven years with angry victims trying to kill you the whole time. No one was surprised that Tim’s mental health took sharp turns for the worst some days. 

The worst part was that Rhys didn’t even know what triggered these moods in Tim. Once Tim sobered up, he didn’t like to talk about it, just laughing it off and assuring it wouldn’t happen again, the lie easy on his tongue every time. 

Rhys reached his office, out of breath from hurrying along. He made a mental note to put exercise equipment in his office so this stopped happening, recalled how horrifyingly buff Vaughn had become after doing that, and scratched the idea. 

He pushed on the door, but it was locked. Tim must’ve realized Zer0 saw him in here.

Rhys put in the passcode and the door opened. Tim didn’t look up from where he sat at Rhys’ desk, drink in hand.

“Well, at least you didn’t drink straight from the bottle this time. You know that grosses me out,” Rhys said, shutting the door.

“You’re out of breath. You should exercise more, Mr. CEO,” Tim said, staring down at the nearly empty glass of whiskey. He reached out and filled it back up.

Rhys put his hand over it as Tim started to lift it towards his mouth. He glanced at the bottle, relieved to see he’d gotten here before Tim got too deep into it.

“You have a meeting,” Tim said.

“I cancelled it,” Rhys said. He sat in the chair across from Tim. “What’s wrong, Timothy?”

“Nothing,” he said. “Just unwinding after a long day. We’ve done it before.”

Rhys usually tried to avoid having drinks with Tim when he could, not wanting to encourage this exact behavior. “Not often.”

“Go have your meeting, Rhys.” Tim sounded exhausted. “I’m fine. I’ll only have one or two, I promise.”

“Don’t lie,” Rhys said sharply. “Not to me, Timothy. Please.” 

Tim looked pained for a moment. “Right. Sorry.”

“Is it because I overworked you?” Rhys said anxiously. Had he been pushing Tim too hard? Tim always insisted he didn’t mind the all-nighters so long as he got to take it easy the next day and break for a nap if he wanted to. But what if that was a lie? What if Rhys was taking advantage of Tim?

“What? No,” Tim said in surprise. “No, Rhys, I’m not overworked. I mean, yea, paperwork sucks. But it’s not…” He shook his head. “No, I’m not. I swear. Seriously, you’re the only boss I know who gives me the greenlight to nap whenever I feel like it.” 

“Then...what?” Rhys said, feeling lost. For as close as he and Tim had gotten, he sometimes felt so distant from the other man. 

“It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.” Tim abandoned the drink, a bit reluctantly, and gestured to the door. “You want to grab lunch since you cancelled your meeting?”

“You’re deflecting,” Rhys said. He knew he shouldn’t push Tim, but he was worried about his friend. “Timothy, you can trust me. I just want to help.”

“I’m fine,” Tim said, smiling. It was so genuine looking that only the anxious twitch of his fingers gave him away. 

“You don’t have to be fine,” Rhys said. “You can be upset. I’m your friend, Timothy. I’m not going to judge you for having hard days with what you went through.”

“Dammit, Rhys, I said I’m fine,” Tim snapped, his tone that gruff, angry one Jack got. His eyes widened at his own outburst and he raked a shaking hand through his hair. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to- I’m sorry.”

Rhys got up. Tim hung his head miserably. 

Instead of leaving, though, Rhys went around the desk and put his arms around Tim. Tim jerked in surprise.

“Is this okay?” Rhys said nervously.

“It’s weird,” Tim said, but he was smiling weakly. “Definitely weird.”

“But not bad?”

“No, not bad. Awkward, but not bad.”

“Bring it in, big guy.”

“Sure, dad.”

Rhys rolled his eyes, but was relieved when Tim actually hugged him back. For as comfortable as he’d gotten around here, he was still very weird about physical contact. Rhys, who was a known hugger, always thought of it as a win when Tim let him get close like this. 

He hugged him for a long moment before slowly pulling away. “Better?”

“Only if you ruffle my hair and call me sport,” Tim said, snickering when Rhys whacked him in the arm. 

Rhys sat on the desk, facing Tim. “Timothy, I’m serious. I worry about you. I know you don’t do it often anymore, but it still worries me and Zer0 when you binge drink like this. It’s not a good way to deal with things. We’re your friends, and we just want to help you.”

“I’m dealing with it,” Tim said.

“Drinking yourself into a blackout isn’t a good way to deal with it,” Rhys said. 

Tim pressed the heels of his palms to his forehead. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so goddamn weak. I’m sorry!”

Rhys grabbed his cybernetic hand, not wanting him to hurt himself with it. “You are not weak. I couldn’t even make it from my meeting to my office without running out of breath.”

Tim didn’t take the bait for a joke. Instead, he squeezed his eyes shut.

“They asked me to go with them. That’s all it took to make me- Oh, fuck, Rhys, every time I think I’m getting better, I end up here,” he said, his voice raw with pain.

Rhys put a hand on his shoulder. “Who asked you to go with them?”

Tim swallowed hard and opened his eyes, staring at his cybernetic hand. “The guys I was working on that prototype proposal with. They were going to a c-casino.” His breath hitched on the word and he curled his fingers against his palm, looking torn that he couldn’t actually feel any of it. “And it was like I was suddenly back there. I couldn’t escape the thoughts. I tried. I really did. But it gets too much and I can’t stop it. I don’t know how else to make it stop.”

Rhys pulled him close again. “You’re not weak for that. You were locked in there for seven years, constantly in fear for your life. You’ve done an incredible job healing yourself after everything. It’s okay if some wounds never go away.”

“I want to be better,” he whispered.

Rhys pushed his shoulders back and looked into Tim’s eyes. The milky white of his blind one was always disconcerting, and it reminded Rhys of just how much horror and pain he’d endured from Jack. 

“Timothy, stop being so hard on yourself. You let me hug you twice just now. When you first came here, you wouldn’t even let me high-five you. You didn’t even shake my hand when the vault hunters introduced us. You couldn’t bear to let anyone touch you because you thought they’d hurt you. You are better. I see it, even if you don’t. I’m proud of how far you’ve come,” he said.

Tim wiped at his eyes. “I can’t decide if you sound like a dad or a therapist. I’ve never had either in my life, so I need a little more time to sort that one out.”

Rhys laughed a little. “I’m being serious, Timothy. Stop pushing yourself so hard. We can find other ways when it gets to be too much. But you have to let me help you. I want to help you. You’re my friend. You’re also my employee, and I owe you a thanks for all your hard work. So pick any reward you want and it’s yours.”

Tim glanced at the unfinished whiskey. But then he looked back to Rhys.

“Can we get pizza and watch a movie tonight? That’s all I want,” he said.

Rhys took out his ECHO and connected the feed to his secretary. “Cancel my meetings for the rest of the day.”

“I said tonight!” Tim said.

“You wanted to get lunch though, right? Let’s go have lunch and then take a walk around the city,” Rhys said. “I need the exercise and you need the air. Then pizza and movie it is.”

“Thank you, Rhys,” Tim said quietly. “I’m still debating on the whole dad or therapist thing, but you’re definitely my friend. Probably the best one I’ve ever had.”

“I’m...not entirely sure there was much competition,” Rhys said.

Tim grinned, just a little. “What, you don’t think my Elpis companions were tough to beat for that spot?”

“Not at all. Still, I’m glad to hear it,” Rhys said, getting up and holding a hand out to Tim.

Tim grabbed it and allowed Rhys to haul him to his feet. They left the whiskey on the desk, both knowing Zer0 would take care of it because he didn’t like to see Tim binge drink.

Rhys put a hand on Tim’s shoulder as they left the office. Tim didn’t even tease him or shrug him off; he found himself relieved at the contact, to be honest.

He was still struggling with adjusting after what he’d been through. But Rhys was always patient, and he meant it when he said Rhys was the best friend he’d ever had. He couldn’t be more grateful to have Rhys by his side, especially on his dark days.

[unfortunate-stranger-losers]

Six Baudelaires AU, Part One {AO3} {Read from the Beginning}

Chapter Twenty-One → in which the House Falls

“Lilac, Klaus, for fuck’s sake, we can’t understand you.” Nick said.

“Bluh-bluh.” Lilac reprimanded.

They’d taken a taxi back to Josephine’s house just as a storm began, and as they entered, Violet said, “Klaus, hand me Sunny, we’ll taking a baking soda bath to cure our hives. You and Lilac get started on whatever you’re doing with the note.”

“Bluh.” Klaus nodded.

He and Lilac split off, and Violet said, “Okay, Nick, I know you’ve never done this before-”

“I hate this.”

“You’ve mentioned.”

“Tell Lilac that if she does this to us again, I’m gonna kill her.”

“Would you rather be in the restaurant with Olaf?”

“That’s not the point.”

Violet and Nick couldn’t find any baking soda in the house, but they still gave their little sisters a regular bath and doused themselves in water, and after changing clothes, they ran to the Library, where Lilac and Klaus sat around a table. Aunt Josephine’s note was pinned under a large book entitled Advanced Apostrophe Use, and Lilac had another grammar book open on her lap. Klaus had two open around him, as he pulled out a pen and took notes.

“How’re your tongues?” Violet asked, placing Sunny down onto a chair. Nick put Solitude next to her, and Soli quickly pulled Babbitt out of her pocket and started petting them a little.

“Getting better.” Lilac said, still lisping slightly. “Klauth thinks he hath something.”

“We’re bluhdying grammar.” Klaus said, still a bit more swollen than Lilac.

“Why are you studying grammar at a time like this?” Violet asked.

“Bluchcause Josephine left us a message in bluh note.” Klaus said.

“We’ve been counthing the grammathical mithtatkes.” Lilac said.

She flinched slightly, as raindrops blew in through the broken window, sprinkling the books and table. Klaus hastily wiped his glasses, and he said, “The first sentence has bluh wrong ‘its’, we’ve bluhstablished this.”

“Yeah.” Nick said.

“I think that was bluh get our bluhtention.” Klaus said. He took a pen, circling the apostrophe. “She’d never make a bluhstake without reason.”

“I guess.” Violet said.

“Looth at the seconth senthance.” Lilac said. “My hearth is as cold as Ike.”

“But Aunt Josephine said she hoped Ike was someplace warm and sunny.” Violet said, remembering.

“It’s possible she meant ‘cold as ice.’” Klaus circled the k in Ike. “And she says she found her life inbearable, not unbearable.” He circled the i.

“If you keep going down the litht,” Lilac continued, as Klaus kept circling, “You get theveral errors. How many did we counth, Klauth?”

“Eleven misplaced letters.” Klaus said. “Ten if we don’t count bluh apostrophe.”

“So what do all these mistakes mean?” Violet said.

“It’s substitution, isn’t it?” Nick said, figuring it out. “The k is supposed to be a c, so c is the first letter.”

Klaus nodded, writing a C at the bottom of the page. He wrote out the other letters, spelling out two words.

Curled Cave.

“Veek?” Sunny called. “What?”

“Curdled Cave.” Klaus repeated. “Aunt Josephine knew she was making grammatical errors, and she knew we’d spot them. She was leaving us a message, telling us where she was.”

“Curthleth Cathe ith part of Lathe Lathrymose.” Lilac said. “But we need to find Aunt Josephine’s Athlas of the Lathe.”

“Should be in the safe.” Violet said.

Nick and Klaus ran over first, unlocking and flinging open the safe, digging through the books until they found an Atlas of Lake Lachrymose. Klaus flipped to the index until he found what page it was on, and then Nick said, “It’s directly across from Damocles Dock, west of the Lavender Lighthouse.”

“The Fickle Ferry will take us.” Klaus said, tracing a dotted line. “Goes right to the Lavender Lighthouse, we can walk bluh there.”

“Walk in the rain?” Nick said.

“We don’t have any choice.” Violet said. “If Josephine is still alive, Captain Sham can’t get us.”

“She can tell Mr Poe that he’s really Count Olaf, he might believe her.” Lilac said, her lisp finally slipping away.

“We need to go-” Violet began.

Solitude suddenly let out a screech, and pointed out the window, before using her free hand to grab Sunny’s arm, Babbitt leaping into her pocket. Her siblings turned to realize what she was showing them; the house had started to sway in the wind.

“We have to get out of here.” Lilac said.

“But-” Nick began.

“Now!” Lilac shouted, and as she did, the house swayed underneath their feet, and they all fell.

Lilac screamed, managing to reach out and grab Klaus as he toppled, almost falling out the window. Nick crashed into the table, letting out a cry of pain as he was pummelled by Josephine’s books, falling out of the shelves and safe as the house shook. He managed to grip onto one- The Incomplete History of Secret Organizations- as it hit him, and Violet only barely managed to shift herself across the floor to hit the wall instead of the open window. She let out a shout of pain as she hit her injured shoulder, only resting a second before putting her hands on the floor, trying to hoist herself up.

Just as she did, they heard another crash of thunder, and Violet leapt forwards, gripping onto a map attached to the wall just as the room swayed in the wind, the floor turning into a slope. Lilac grabbed tight onto Klaus and managed to reach a bookshelf, grabbing onto it and flinching as more books fell and flew out the window, a few hitting her and Klaus as they passed. Soli and Sunny were gripping for dear life onto the chair, which was starting to drop towards the window. The table Nick sat behind started to fall, too, so he ran, trying to get away from the storm outside, ignoring the wind blowing at him. He almost managed to get to the door before another book hit him, and he fell to the ground, letting out a gasp as he landed hard on his arm, starting to slide towards the window.

The house stopped rocking a moment, setting itself back upright, and Lilac and Klaus scrambled to their feet, running to their youngest sisters. Lilac grabbed tightly onto Solitude, and Klaus grabbed Sunny, and they ran for the door, trying to get out of the shaking library. Lilac turned slightly, as if to get her the siblings, but as Solitude screamed in her arms, she knew she couldn’t endanger the toddler further.

“Come on, let’s go!” Lilac shouted. “Violet, Nick, move!”

“We’re coming, God!” Nick shouted, trying to get to his feet. Violet was stumbling towards him to help him up, but just as Lilac and Klaus reached the relative safety of the hallway, thunder boomed, the house shook again, and Violet and Nick fell.

Lilac let out a horrified scream as her siblings slid towards the window. Violet grabbed onto Nick’s arm, using her free hand to grip the edge of a carpet that was starting to flip in the wind. And just as the room dropped, turning almost completely sideways and only barely holding on to the cliff, one end of the carpet managed to stick to the floor, and so Violet and Nick dangled precariously outside of the broken window, only barely holding on.

“Nick, do not fucking let go!” Violet shouted.

“Was not planning to!” Nick screamed. He let out a gasp as the book slipped from his hand, and he reached to grab for it; his hands grabbed some of the pages, and the book ripped, the spine splitting apart and papers scattering in the wind. One paper- a small photo- fluttered up, and Nick managed to grab onto it just as the wind blew the room back. Violet used every ounce of her strength to hold onto her brother’s hand, and she managed to swing him slightly enough that the two of them fell onto the floor.

“Violet! Nick!” Klaus shouted, looking ready to pass out.

Violet grabbed Nick’s arm, yanking him to his feet and dragging him towards the hall. He stuffed the photo into his pocket just as Violet pushed him in front of her, and he stumbled and toppled right into Lilac and Klaus. Violet fell, too, and all six siblings were on the cold, hard floor for a moment, breathing shakily and trying to process what was happening.

Klaus got up first, still gripping tight onto Sunny, and Nick pulled Violet up as Lilac made sure Solitude was alright, and Solitude made sure that Babbitt was still alive and in her pocket. Then Klaus pushed his siblings, and they started running; Lilac moved herself to the back of the group, so she could keep an eye on all of her siblings as they rushed away, racing for the door, for the safety of the cliff that was not held up by stilts that were about to crack and crumble and break.

Violet pushed Klaus out of the door first, and then Nick, and then the oldest sisters made their way out, and they stopped just outside the house, shutting their eyes and catching their breath. Then they turned and watched as Aunt Josephine’s house, behind them, fell and crashed into the lake below.

They stared for a very long time, and then Lilac let out a choked sob and threw her arms around her siblings, pulling them close and shouting, “Holy shit!”

“Li! Let go, we’re fine!” Violet shouted, though she didn’t pull away.

“Is anybody hurt?” Lilac asked.

Nick pushed himself out of the group hug, saying, “I’m fine! Vi, are you okay? You hit your shoulder.”

“I’m fine! Li, let go!”

“I’m okay.” Klaus said. “Sunny?”

“Raef.” Sunny shuddered. “Scared, but alright.”

“Soli?” Nick asked. “Soli, hey, you alright?”

“Ye.” Solitude nodded. “Babbitt?” They heard a small chirp from her pocket. “Yay!”

“Lilac?” Klaus asked. “How’re you?”

“You all could have died!” Lilac said.

“But we didn’t!” Violet finally managed to get away from her sister. “We’re all okay!”

“All our shit’s gone, though.” Klaus said. “Not that we’re not used to that.”

“The clothes we got from Poe sucked anyway.” Nick said, as Solitude reached her arms out towards him, and he took her from Lilac, holding her close.

“I still have the spyglass.” Klaus said, looking relieved as he checked his pocket. “Vi, Li, you have your ribbons?”

“I lost the atlas.” Lilac said.

“That’s alright, I remember the way.” Nick said. He paused, and then said, “I… I found something. In that book.”

He reached into his pocket, pulling out the photo and shifting his back so that he was shielding it slightly from the wind and droplets of water. His siblings crowded around him, with Lilac lifting her arm to provide further protection from the weather.

In the photo, a group of either late teenagers or young adults were crowded in front of a building, looking like they were having fun together. They could see what seemed to be a young Aunt Josephine holding hands with a man, pointing towards the sign of a lumbermill and laughing at some joke. But that wasn’t what drew their interest.

What drew their interest was their parents, sitting on the ground and smiling at the camera.

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

I started 43 but I'm probably going to ditch it

Staying out all night, the pair of them had watched the sunrise before Keith drove the hoverbike back to the hospital, with an exhausted Lance on the back. The date hadn't gone the way he'd expected or wanted, but once Keith got on the hoverbike, his enthusiasm over exploring shamed Lance's silly ideas of watching the night sky together. He'd wanted to do something soft and quite with the man he loved.... Not fly around like absolute idiots and break their promise of no near crashes. Keith had shot off a cliff, not realising until half way down. Lance had unashamedly screamed. The only light they had with them was the light coming off the hoverbike. He was falling through a never ending blackness, with no idea when he'd hit the ground. Nope. He didn't need that in his life. He'd had phoebs of nightmares just as scary and daunting with nothing waiting to greet him. Mentally Lance was exhausted, but abundantly relieved that Keith had had fun. His boyfriend whooping and yelling as he let loose in the bike. With Keith's happiness had been the objective of the night it could technically be counted as a win... maybe... Lance was too tired to sort his thoughts into anything that really made sense. He wanted to collapse into bed, and sleep the whole quintant away. Plus, if he was sleeping, he wouldn't have to deal with his failed therapy session and explaining to Keith that Coran knew everything. Returning to the room they'd been using, Daehra was waiting there with Lucteal. Coran standing by the door looking uncomfortably worried. The need for sleep was cleared away with a single glance around the room. Something was up with his friends. A something that even Keith noticed as he cleared his throat "Has something happened?" "Our father passed away last night. We do not know what has happened" Striding across the room, Lance threw his arms around Daehra. Her father might have been a piece of shit, but he was still their father and the ruler of the planet "I'm so sorry, Dae. You too, Lucteal. Is there anything you two need?" "Annla asked if we could come home? But, I do not wish to leave you while you are recovering" "Dae, no. Hey. I'm recovered, completely recovered" "Yet it took longer as I missed the implant in your head. I am so sorry, Leandro. I knew something was wrong, but my scanners did not provide all the answers... I thought it was due to the enormous amount of damage you took..." Rubbing Daehra's back, Lance hushed softly "It's your father. I know what happened, happened. But all that was in the past. He still fathered you, and I'm so happy he did. You, Lucteal and Annla. I'd do anything for you guys. So if you need to go, go. If you want me there, I'll be there for all of you. The Telula is always available for you two, I trust you both... I trust you with her, and Lucteal when he's supervised. I know I've been a crappy leader lately, especially disappearing on you for two phoebs, but I still want to be here for you. Here. There. Whatever you need" Daehra snorted at him, breaking the hug to wipe her eyes "I have never once doubted you cared for us. I also don't doubt you are tired of sitting here and doing nothing" Lance was mildly offended, but happy Daehra was throwing that jab... maybe not that jab in particular, nonetheless, she still had her undeniable spark after all that had happened "That's true, but not what's important. What's important is you, your family and the stability of your planet. Anything you need, I'm here for you" "Now that father has passed, Annla's mother will rule until the first born male heir of the bloodline comes of age" Lucteal sounded slightly bitter, though Lance knew he had no interest in ruling. It had to sting though, he was biologically the son of the king. No "bloodline" business about it "Given we're on New Altea, we can open a wormhole. I can have you both him within the varga, if you'd like?" Daehra nodded slowly "Annla was most upset, as will the other children be. Yet I worry for you..." "Dae, I'll be ok. Seriously" "Your emotions are so strong, Leandro. You have your therapy, and Kre'el is being transferred. I know much you wish to know why and how everything happened" Yeah. He did. He did even though he'd realised it might just fuck his mental health up even more to have those answers "Between her, and you guys, I chose the friends that are my weird space family. Keith can go to Daibazaal in my place, until we have figured out what's happening on your planet" Crossing his arms, his boyfriend looked pissed. This wasn't what either of them expected on the back of their date the previous night slash all morning "I'm not letting you go off on your own again. It was dangerous enough before Kre'el was taken in. Now that she's gone, someone out there is going to be vying her for place. No. End of story. I'm coming with you" "Keith..." "You nearly fucking died Lance!" "I know... but..." This was his team. His team who'd put up with all his crazy shit "You'd chose them over me?" Lance clenched his hands into fists, a fierce glare on his face. He wasn't choosing them over Keith. He was trying to find a way to make both situations work. Why couldn't Keith see that? No. He didn't want to be parted from his lover for potentially movements, but things bigger than them were happening "I would when you ask shit like that! What the quiznak, man? You've been to their planet before. Coran can open a wormhole..." "I can't believe you. What was last night about then?" Now Lance was confused "Last night had nothing to do with this. Last night was me trying to show I love you, and trying to show that even if I'm ten shades of fucked up, that I appreciate everything you do for me" "Bullshit. I know you got upset more than once last night" Lance felt panic rising. Sitting himself down on the edge of the bed, he took a deep breath through his nose, then out through his mouth. Keith was mad at the situation. Not mad at him. The situation... "Well?!" No. Keith was mad at him. Clutching at his chest, he sucked down another forced breath "Keith, perhaps..." Keith quickly cut Coran off "No. I want to know why my boyfriend wasn't happy on our date last night. Especially now he's decided he wants to go off to the other side of the galaxy without me" "I don't want to go to the other side of the galaxy without you! I want to be there for my team! But I also need someone I fucking trust on Daibazaal! I'm not leaving you! I wasn't not happy with our date! I just thought we were going to lie there and watch the stars because that was something fun I did as kid, and wanted to share it with you. I was happy you were happy. I didn't love dropping off cliffs in the blackness, but I loved hearing how you were! Ok!? I want to be there for Daehra, Lucteal and Annla because they're important to me. I want to be there and get answers from Kre'el, because she's the fucking reason I was tortured and raped! I want to be here because I want to get better and I want to get clean. I don't want to be on the Atlas or on Daibazaal without you, because I can't handle it right now. I'm sick of sitting in this hospital with everyone walking on eggshells around me! I'm healed. I'm physically fine. I haven't even self harmed, just to feel the fucking pain because my senses are seriously out of whack still. But you know what I want most of all. I want my fucking boyfriend to get that I want to be there for my team. I want him to get that just because we're not together doesn't mean jack shit. You all fucking want me to get better, than stop treating me like I can't make my own choices. Yeah, most of them have fucking sucked, but I don't regret what's happened after Daehra and Lucteal came into my life... I don't regret them" Oxygen was a precious thing. Lance finding it harder and harder to breathe as his rant continued in the now silent room. Crossing the space, Lucteal sat beside him, his hand moving to rub at Lance's back in comfort, but only causing his skin to prickle. Sensing his discomfort, the young empath removed his hand "Leandro, we would be most grateful if you would accompany us. But if you feel you need to be here too, or on Daibazaal, we will also understand. This is our family's matter. We will think no less of you" "I want to be there for both of you..." Lance severely regretted blowing up. Keith hadn't said anything, only making his anxieties worse. Clapping his hands, Coran made him flinch away from the unexpected noise "I think we should all take a moment. A death is a tragic thing. Lance is correct, we can open a wormhole to your planet. We can also open one from your planet to ours if you require one. He is also correct. The Atlas will be here within this phoeb. Then there will be much work to be done. We on New Altea are happy to be of assistance" Tuning out on Coran, Lance was distracted by the soft whine from under the bed. Kosmo crawling out on his stomach, shaking himself off, then moving to nudge at Lance's leg with his nose "I don't like this" Lance's chest grew tighter "But they are your team. If... if you're going, Kosmo is going with you to protect you. You're keeping your comms on at all times, and you're calling every quintant at least twice. I want to know the moment you get there, and how long you'll be there. I don't want to be the kind of boyfriend that stops you being there for a friend. I just... I want you to start realising you're not indestructible. You were seriously wounded, and you're still recovering from it in more ways than one. I'm also seriously worried over the king's death. We have no information. This could have been one of Kre'el's men finishing the job... I just... I don't want to lose you. Or have to sit there and watch you in another pod. Or watch you push yourself so hard you can't even walk straight... I don't want my husband coming back to me in a body bag..." "He won't. You have my promise that if it was to come to it, I would give my life for Leandro" Lucteal was firm, yet Lance didn't want anyone giving their lives for him. The tone of Keith's voice had slowly started loosening the tight feeling, but he didn't know if he had his panic attack under control again. He knew Keith had said something profound for him, but his mind had already started taking an eraser to it. "Then it is settled, Lance will go with Lucteal and Daehra, with Kosmo. While Keith will return to Daibazaal. Daehra, you said your people aren't as medically advanced as Earth or Altea. Would you and Lucteal like to come with and see if there is anything suitable here that might help your people? I'll also need the coordinates of your planet" "Thank you, Coran. We'll begin preparations" * Keith watched as Daehra, Lucteal and Coran left the room. Lance was sitting in the bed with Kosmo rubbing his face against his legs. He didn't like this. He didn't like this at all. He didn't want to leave Lance's side, and possibly have a repeat of what happened last time happen again. Slowly walking over to Lance, he flopped down on the bed with a weary sigh. A hand going to the small of Lance's back "I know I shouldn't have gotten mad... and I shouldn't have snapped over the date. I know you wanted me to be happy, I want that for you too. I'm sorry for not getting it. And not being amazing at making up stories. I guess being out here with them makes it all too real. I don't want to lose you. I love you more than anything... and now you're going somewhere I can't reach you again. I... I don't know what to do anymore. I know we have our jobs, and I know I'm supposed act accordingly. I don't want to throw this all on Shiro and leave, but I want you there for it. You deserve answers. You deserve to look her in the face and have your questions answered... God. I didn't expect we'd come back to this... I haven't even asked you about your therapy..." Keith jumped when Lance dropped back against him. Not laying down, but also not sitting up properly "Coran knew I'd been raped. He saw it on the scans and didn't want to pressure me into talking when I wasn't ready. He knew you knew and were supporting me. And he knew talking too soon wouldn't help... Tor'al was... she's too happy. I couldn't talk freely because she has so many hopes and dreams over Voltron. I could barely talk to her at all, and most of what I did talk about was being a Paladin. So I talked to Coran. I tried to let him. I'm trying to let him in. He doesn't know about my heats. He doesn't know I was pregnant... I don't think so at any rate. I don't think he knows what to do about my body at all. I still feel the urge to shut down when I'm talking to him. To blow it off and laugh, or make some stupid joke, and I'm still waiting for him to laugh at me like I expect everyone to do. But you and Shiro wanted me to let him in. He doesn't always get it... I don't think he's what I need in a therapist, but I really respect the fact that he didn't blurt out to everyone I was raped. I've done that enough. Brought everyone down with the thought. And I didn't not enjoy our date. It's stupid. Especially being in space, but I'm scared of the dark. Not the dark where there's light around, but that thick dark that's like the astral plain. That thick cold dark that stretches on and on, where no one is there. Shiro could connect to Black and see us. Feel us. Hell, he could even try to reach out to us... but when I died, I didn't have that. I didn't become one with Red. In the pod. I was in that black again. I loved seeing how happy you were riding the hoverbike and it was fun... but when we went over those bumps and cliffs, I didn't know if I was ever going to touch the ground again... my head has become a mess. I'm scared of things I don't even know about, and my sense of pain is back... more back than it was before. Probably because I've been through a cycle in the pod. So now what do we do? I need to make sure Annla is alright, and that Daehra and Lucteal won't lose more people. I know there might even be Altean shifters on the planet. There might even be shifters here... it's not like I'm intending on getting myself blown up. I think I need to do this for me too, you know? Let myself see that you're safe and sound, and will be alright without me being by your side all the time. Not that I'm not going to miss you like quiznak. I just need to breathe a bit" Keith let Lance's words hang as he thought about how to reply. It was a lot all at once, and nothing was soothing this burning need to protect Lance from everything in existence. The little voice in the back of his mind had hoped Lance would say "yes" to his ultimatum. It was a crappy and cruel thing to do. Lance stank of pain because of his words, and he'd thrown more at him when he was trying to bring himself out of a panic attack. He was scared. Scared of feeling like he had when Lance had run. Scared of feeling like the had when his lover was in the healing pod. Scared of this thing between breaking if they weren't together. They'd barely had time to find their feet "Keith, you know it won't be forever. I don't think I want to be there longer than a movement if possible. Two if there's some kind of inheritance ceremony..." Lance had kept him waiting two movements while he slept just beyond his reach, and that had been awful. His coping mechanisms and focus had gone to shit now that he realised the difference the love between a lover and a brother. He'd still go to heaven, hell, and everywhere in between to help Shiro out, but Shiro had Curtis now. He needed to respect that and work on finding his own balance with Lance. He just didn't know how to do that yet. He wasn't over his trauma. He wasn't over Lance losing a finger, and nearly his life. Not like Lance was. No. He wasn't. But he wanted more than just sitting in bed all day. If Keith was in his position, he'd be exactly the same. Still, knowing didn't mean he knew how to loosen the reins either. He didn't want to smother Lance, but he did. He didn't want to keep Lance by his side all the time, but he did. He didn't want to stop Lance from living his life and achieving his dreams... but... he did if he wasn't part of them. Since Lance had nearly died on the table, some primal part of him had been activated. Like a flicked switch. Instincts he could only attribute to being a "Galra" thing seemed to have come to life. Keith didn't know that what he was feeling was fear manifesting its self in the million ways it could. His constant fussing feeding the little voices that dreamed up all the "worst case" scenarios. Lance had got to the same end point as him, before he'd managed to. He needed Lance to be safe and breathing, without him smothering him. He needed to straighten his own head out. And he couldn't do that if he kept giving into instinct after instinct. Lance had survived well enough before he came searching for Guile. It hadn't been great, but he was smart. Plus Daehra and Lucteal knew what a panic attack was now. The could probably feel one coming before Lance could. So maybe they'd be able to feel if anyone was harbouring ill will towards Lance? Though, their abilities hadn't picked up on Kre'el and Lasandi's deceptions... Keith shook his head. There was too much in his mind. He'd never escape the spiral if he didn't make the effort to see past the bad. He'd come so far since finding Shiro again. He was nearly 25. He was a grown arse man who could survive his boyfriend not being there for a movement or two. Yep. He totally could... "I get it, babe. I'm going to miss you so fucking much" Rolling over, Lance leaned in to kiss him "I'm going to miss you too, but this isn't forever. I know it sucks after last nights date, but if it was a member of your team, you'd want to be there, right?" "I want to be there for them as it is... but it's better you go. You're better with people than I am... and maybe they'll make you give a speech or something" Lance shook his head, his lips still close to Keith's "They wouldn't dare. I don't want to like leave you, you know that. And I'm just as scared about being apart, but I need to do this. I need to... I need to think. I'll still call you, and Coran, plus I'm going to be on a whole planet of empaths, with Kosmo. If worst comes to worst, I'll get Coran to open a wormhole and leave the others there... or they might even decide to stay there... basically, none of us know what's going to happen. I know we're supposed to be getting ready now, but I want to take a nap with my boyfriend. Can we take a nap?" "Yeah, babe. I've missed cuddling you" "I know it's hard..." "It's hard, yet you keep trying. It only makes me love you more, you idiot" Lance gave a small yawn as he spoke "And they saaaay romance is dead. Get over here Casanova"

[wishingfornever]

9/10/17 – Heavy Contact:  Perpetual Slumber

I crave… so much.  I crave you, I crave sugar, I crave alcohol… right now, I just want to indulge.  I’m so hungry.  T-T

It’ll be worth it.  When I’m not fantasizing about fitting an entire cake in my mouth, I’m thinking about the dream children we had together. Isn’t that fucking dumb?  It sounds dumb, even to me.  I mean, let’s be honest: I’d be the world’s greatest father.  Nothing wrong with my fathering abilities at all.  You’d be somewhat mediocre, obviously.  ;) Kidding, kidding.  Still, it’s weird.  Cynthia.  Such a strange name.  I’m not sure how I’d feel about it as a name.  It’s kind of blunt, not very fluid.  CynTHia. I don’t like that “Th” sound.  Maybe there is some sort of cute pet name that would be more sufficient. I don’t know why but my dreams have been more… vivid as of late.  I try to pay attention.  I don’t think they mean anything, I mean Las Vegas could never flood.  I’ve been there.  The communist thing in Paris might be symbolic but it’s kind of… meh.  I don’t think they mean anything but the cat having a voice and then sort of possessing you was super scary.  Btw, it’s currently 12:05.  Been writing since midnight struck so, yeah.  Hi again, it’s me basically from the same day.

Whatever… Jer and I will be talking to each other tomorrow via voice chat.  Or today, I guess.  I want to get some writing done, so I hope I will. I’m going to try and finish it to the best of my ability.  I’ll have Jer read it, but the thing is he can’t edit it if he reads it unless I’m there.  It’s not hands on.  Worse yet, my grammar is probably the best among all my friends.

That sucks.  If I have to rely on someone I know to edit, they’ll be inferior to my own designs.  And I will be biased because I can miss my mistakes. There is no justice in the world.  I think I’m going to cave and just grab something to eat; hopefully something small and light in calories.  After the food from Mazatlan Grill, I am pushing it for calories.  But, it… should be healthy.  Healthier, at least.  Thing about Mexican food is that there are a lot of veggies.  That’s why it was considered a gift from god by the pope, because it has all the food groups and is relatively balanced and super delicious.

Fuuuuuuuuuuck, I’m hungry.  Brb

You won’t be able to guess what I found in the fridge.  Unless you do. Not the point!  The point is, I found MEXICAN FOOD!!!  Like there were several tacos, fully loaded with big tortillas.  I just grabbed one and slapped in the microwave for 2 minutes and left with that, a banana, and a bottle of water.  It’s cool because we were just talking about how great Mexican food is.  There was sour cream, no cheese.  Also beef.  So, I assume it was relatively high in… CALORIES!!!  Yeah, that happens.  Banana was good.  Super sweet and I might get another one.

I feel so much better.  I’m trying not to pig out, but food is just amazing.  So is this water.  Everything just tastes better right now. Thanks, Cynthia. ;)

You know, it’s occurred to me that you may be reading this and be thinking to yourself, “Ooooooh, I see.  You’re crazy, huh?”  It occurred to me when I started this.  In reality, this has helped me cope.  I never understood why people had journals but it’s sort of relieving.  Then again, I intend for my journal to be read.

A little ironic, my book began as an After-Action Report (AAR) which is basically RP updates about your game.  My character was… Diego!  Go figure.  It was part of this mod for Mount and Blade: Warband.  This mod is based in 1809 (a year after my book starts) and I was playing in Prussia.  Diego will be going to Prussia.  And, of course, he had a JOURNAL and that’s how I did the AAR.  It was pretty popular.  He was sort of a cynic which is what I plan to have him become in the second book.  Spoilers, btw. All the characters were made there.  Some had different names like Sarvar but same general concept.  Atlas was supposed to be evil-ish.  Avdotya didn’t stray too far from her source material.  It’s ironic, eh?

Oof. Might have pigged out a little bit.  Grabbed myself another burrito + banana + water.  I feel so stuffed but I’m sooooooo happy.  I’ll make up for it this week.  It was loaded with bellpeppers and onions. But this had beef… and cheese.  I might have thrown it together and gone a little bit too deep.  Kinda regretting not exercising yesterday, but I was a little saddened by your response.

Not your fault; I just wasn’t ready for it.

You, know, I’ve been toying with the idea of writing a political book detailing all the dumb crap the US does.  It’s bound to sell if it’s “edgy” enough.  Maybe I’ll do that instead of the second book…  Of which, I need to change the order around.  Sarvar is now third and Atlas is second.  So, the next book will begin with Atlas’s story.  It’s better chronologically and it’d probably have far more action and will be before Atlas begins to shoulder everything.

That said, the sweat pants I have.  Gonna wear them and exercise today. Those pants though were given to me by Daniel.  Again, super nice guy.  He was talking about a few dark things yesterday and sort of hinted.  I hope you’re keeping an eye on him.

So, I see you left Regional Alliance for the Communist Bloc.  Which is interesting.  During the second nuclear war, I made a few allies within their ranks.  Unfortunately, you probably think I kicked Dennis because I was being petty.  Maybe.  However, someone noticed his currency was child pornography.  Thus, in order to save face I took it upon myself as the most vocal communist state to ban him.

I notice he’s in the Communist Bloc as well… You’re making a bad decision siding with Dennis.  Really bad.  Not just in NationStates but in general.  I noticed you’re still online.  I’m going to probably upset you, but I’m going to ask why you’re siding so much with Dennis.  I see you’re online, so I dropped a message.  I wonder what he’s been telling you. He betrayed me, a friend of 12 years. What makes you think he’d stand by you?  You know he lies.  He’s admitted it.  Is it because you feel sorry for him?  Is it because you’re angry with me? I guarantee, you won’t be happy with him.  My dad kicked me out for a little while before I went to Texas the first time.  Dennis isn’t exactly the most hospitable. If you think I was inactive, you’re in for a treat.  If you think him going to the gym with Daniel is evidence of anything, it’s because of Daniel that he goes.  Without Daniel, he’ll have no drive. But, I’m not concerned.  I know you’ll see this and I know you’ll be disappointed again.  I’m not sure you’ll come back because you might fear “I told you so.”  I wouldn’t bring it up if you did come back, however, so don’t harm yourself further.  If you need help with Dennis, then ask me and I’ll help. Of course, I have no respect for him right now. I’ve began to recall all the SHITTY things he’s done to me, Daniel, and Shane.  I’m bitter and I’m biased, but that doesn’t mean I’m ignorant.  I know how he is.  He’s a piece of shit. You’ll see for yourself soon.  I’m not even mad.

I do want to revisit what he told you.  It horrifies me that he was able to turn you against me so easily.  Admittedly, I wasn’t the best boyfriend but I wasn’t the worst boyfriend.  I was inactive. You said it yourself; I felt like a roommate.  I wasn’t mean or cruel to you but you made it seem like I was.  I trust this is because Dennis told you that I’m ready to throw down at a moments notice or some shit.

I’m more into verbal confrontation than physical confrontation.  I don’t need to raise a fist, but I’ll defend myself. I told you about what happened in Texas.  I defended myself each time.  That’s basically the only two fights I’ve gotten in in my adult life.  Not that bad, all things considering.  The reason for each was too much partying.  It wasn’t even me doing the partying for both, I had just gotten off work and came back to fucking drama.

That’s something I wish you weren’t doing.  Partying too much.  I probably won’t stop you from drinking and smoking pot, but I’m not going to endorse it.

You do have a really skewed image of me.  Deny it if you want to, but it’s true.  One of the most traumatizing things since this happened were your wide and confused eyes.  You thought I hated you?  Who gave you that idea?  Me, sitting by myself hating life?  Or was it perhaps Dennis?  Then you thought I was going to hurt Dennis?  You thought I was going to hurt you?

I have a temper, but it’s mostly benign.  I’m sorry you’ve had to experience it, but I’d never hurt you out of anger.  I’m not sure I could hurt Dennis either, and I hate him.  Like, literally, as far as I’m concerned the bridges are burned.  But I wouldn’t hit him.  Except when I met him when I came back from Texas the first time, but I didn’t hit him hard.  It was a surprise.  We hugged afterwards. Again, I never hated Dennis until he turned you against me.  I never hated Daniel, either.  I never hated Shane.  I don’t hate many people.

I want to offer you an invitation to Adela’s.  Honestly, I don’t know what you’re going to do.  You made it seem like Texas wasn’t an option anymore.  But, whatever the case, you can still come with me.  You can have window and I’ll try to give you your space.  I’ll try not to talk much.  I didn’t want to message you today or yesterday but idk.  Something told me I should reach out.  I blame those weird dreams.

I’m going to be more active, I guess.  I’m going to try to not mention how bad I feel or felt when talking to you.  I’ll force myself to be cordial, sort of like what you said you were doing while we were in person.  That still hurts, you know?  I forgave you, though, so I’m healing.  I just wish you knew what I forgave you for.

After this sentence, there will be 9585 words in this journal.  I think that includes the number but I’m not sure.  I’m not going to talk about Dennis anymore in today’s entry, so please keep reading.

I couldn’t get much sleep after that dream.  Have a lot of time to think.  Cynthia was such a little brat.  Very annoying.  Could totally be your daughter.  Same shade of hair, with oversized pink glasses.  Honestly, I feel if we did have children they’d have darker hair but who knows?  Our dream son was only a toddler.  Like, either he couldn’t speak yet or he was shy.  Had dark hair and a bowl cut.  Also a nerd.

Hopefully, if we do ever have children, they’ll have my eyesight.  I know you don’t want them but it’s hypothetical, so why not imagine?  Remember how we were talking about names?  Avril was one I was really big on.  I guess you convinced me to go with Cynthia.  Not sure how, but you did it. Probably put it in the contract while I wasn’t looking.  We should probably have a witness when we sign it, just to ensure both our safety. If we do redo the contract, we’ll have to avoid intentionally hiding certain topics.  It was fun for the earlier contracts, but I want us to get serious again.  Hopefully we will be. I’d forgive Dennis for everything if it meant another chance at being your boyfriend.  Not just friend, but boyfriend.  Otherwise, wouldn’t be worth it.  A friend would have helped our relationship, not profit from it.  Thus, we’ll need to get back together before I can forgive him again. Look at that.  I said I wouldn’t talk about Dennis but I did anyways. Really, it’s more talking about us.  His involvement is moot.  Still, said I wouldn’t mention it.  It’s frustrating.  No more after this, I promise.

It’s weird that you needed space from me.  I mean… you had all the space you wanted.  Again, super inactive roommate.  That’s one of the things that has baffled me about this entire affair, but if you need it you’ll get it.  I want to work with you.  Of course, it’s hard to measure progress while you’re away.

What really upset me was it felt like you were making excuses to not finish things.  Like… it was supposed to be Thursday for you to do all these things.  Then Saturday.  Then Wednesday.  I was prepared for you to take your things, but you kept postponing.  I thought I did something wrong because we weren’t talking.  I should have trusted you, but… it’s hard.  I felt like I was doing something wrong and I didn’t know how to improve on it.

I said a lot of very hurtful things, iirc.  I did hurtful things not just to you but to me.  I suffered from temporary insanity.  I’ve never been this hurt about anything before.  Like… I strangled myself.  I hit myself so hard, I left bruises.  Of course, hole in wall…  I was just feeling hopeless and that there was no one I could turn to.

I feel better now.  Been using this journal to vent.  And I have Daniel.  Sometimes Shane.  Jeremiah has been more available.  Like… my life shattered but things are getting placed back together.  A bit slowly for my tastes, but I’ll work with it. I’d do anything to get you back in my life. You’re the final piece.  You complete me.  It’s hard to get put back together when you’re so opposed to be that final piece.

I think if we got back together, I’d be more protective.  Probably more anal about things.  You’d probably call me “Andrew” but I wouldn’t care.  I’d be livid if you were to cut yourself.  You tell me, “Oh, I just needed to” and I won’t accept that as an answer.  Learning that from you but mostly learning that because you tend to not say what you mean directly.  You’re afraid of confrontation and I forgot about this.  Therefore, you made our break sound vague.  You flatout lied about it.  You hid your cuts from me and then blamed me when it seemed like I didn’t care.

I care.  I always care.  The first time you cut yourself, I kept to myself.  I wanted to cry, really.  I wanted more substance but all I got was “I needed it” and that is a half-assed answer.

After how you treated me… yeah, I’m not surprised that I thought you hated me.  Put yourself in my shoes.  Just for a minute.  Consider how you’ve made me feel. This entire time, I’ve placed myself in your shoes and I’ve tried to reach out.  I thought I was doing what was best, but you did need time and I didn’t give it. When I try to fix something, it becomes my project.  Sitting around waiting… well, it makes me depressed.  Not sure you noticed.  That said, I don’t feel like you’ve been very empathetic. I’m probably going to exercise in a bit.  It’s 7:36 so it’s pretty early.  It’d make up for me pigging out last night and yesterday. Normally, I pig out because… DEPRESSION, go figure but this time I guess I was just super hungry.  And Daniel was paying, so free meal, amirite?  ;)

The girl I was flirting with.  I basically stopped talking to her after I spoke to you on skype yesterday.  Kinda feel bad.  I’ll message her again later today, but it’s not right for me to put people to the side because I’m feeling moody.  If anything, I learned that from how I treated you.

I know I said I was going to exercise, but with minimal sleep, I might try to rest and then exercise when I wake up.  I know, making excuses but it’s cold and I’m feeling tired.  I wish you were here.  A cold bed is best spent with a warm body.  And frankly, there are none warmer than yours.  <3

Cheesy flirt, I know, but you said I should flirt more with you.  I did but you didn’t notice. So, now I have to be ultra obvious.  Like, SO obvious.  It’s not so bad.  Cheesy is good; too bad it’s not going to be a part of my diet soon.

Anyways, I’m going to get some rest.  You’ll probably message me in about two hours and I won’t message you until four probably.  I’ll try to wake up sooner.  I miss you.  I love you.  Talk to me soon, yeah? Good night (or morning).  You’re beautiful.  <3

Can’t sleep.  Too much on my mind I guess.  It happens.  Maybe when everything is over I’ll be able to go to sleep at a reasonable time.  As I was saying, you’re welcome to come with me to Texas. Don’t even need to stay at Adela’s.  We can drop you off at Shane’s the next day, if that’s alright.  Thing is, we’re waiting for the hurricanes to pass and for the flooding to clear.  As soon as that’s done, I’m getting a ticket and I’m out of here. With or without you.

I miss our relationship in Adela’s. You say I was always on my computer but what I remember was us doing dishes together, running around the neighborhood, doing little things.  I miss that.  Here?  Can’t do that here.  It’s a black hole.  I hate it here.  My sister didn’t come over yesterday, btw. It’s nice because she’s such a hassle.  My dad can be too but he’s been rather impartial.  My mom has been super energetic and supportive.  I think she misses you, but I won’t ask her.  Not yet.

I’m glad you haven’t deleted the blog yet.  To me, that means there is still hope.  Or you pity me enough to leave me my last bastion. Whatever the case, I’m glad.  I check it everyday.  I reload the page several times a day, just to check if it’s still there.  It helps.  You said you had it so when I broke up with you, I’d feel bad.

I impulsively click on Skype to get here.  To write in my journal, I think “Click the blue!”  Reason for this, if I had to guess, is because the journal is specifically targeted to you and right now I have several messages sent to you over Skype.  I don’t think I’ll accidentally send you any journal entries but it’s amusing.  I hope you’re willing to chat.

I hope these hurricanes pass soon.  No offense, but I need to get away. Nice neutral territory, you know?  Adela’s a nice person.  Even if you broke up with me and insisted to never see me again and also set my hair on fire, she’d still meet up for bubble tea.  People like you.  She loves you.  Adriana loves you.  Everyone loves you.  I love you the most, though.  Otherwise, I wouldn’t have tried so hard. Of course, it could be said I’m trying now. Except I’m not trying, this is me coping.  Whether you read it or not, it’s hard to say but I know it’s been helping me.  Maybe I should keep a journal more often.  Except instead of a journal about you, it’ll be a journal for me.  And instead of me consistently updating like I have been with this one, I’ll actually do the end of the day update like I wanted to do.  Maybe I should get you a journal…  Your birthday is right around the corner.  I want to get you something.

Soon. Probably won’t do Christmas.  Thing is, for Christmas and Thanksgiving, I’m going to be all by myself at Adela’s.  Not a bad thing, but I don’t know how I’d fare.  If I slipped into a fit of depression, I might not be able to handle it by myself. :/

Don’t consider that as me wanting you to be by my side during those events.  I know Shane is taking you somewhere for Thanksgiving.  It’s not an invitation (though if you really wanted to stay with me, I wouldn’t say no).  You don’t need to spend the time with me and you don’t owe me anything.  I’m just talking my mind. That said, I remember last Thanksgiving.  It was just me and Max and I stayed in the guest bedroom.  I kept to myself and didn’t eat anything that day.  Christmas was a bit better because Adela was there, sort of.  We went to that party where I got drunk and played blackjack.

My hair was longer then.  I’m surprised it’s taking this long to grow out.  Normally it’d be longer.  I’m getting older… or I’m more stressed.  I miss feeling your fingers run through my hair. It’s soothing.  Everything about you is soothing.  I should have appreciated you more.  Well, I know better now.

I think the day after Thanksgiving, I went to go get Whataburger.  Might have walked.  Can’t recall.  I usually do fast food when I’m depressed.  Probably why I gained SO much weight… that and I’ve been inactive.  I gained 80 pounds. EIGHTY pounds.  That’s a lot.  I feel so disgusting…  Whataburger was good though.  I’ll miss it while I’m down there.  Because it’s so close yet it’s totally forbidden.  If you and I go out, we’ll have to get Subway.  And my sandwich won’t get cheese. I’ll force myself to only eat half and save the rest. Thing is, I eat fast.  I really need to slow down.  I try but… eh.  I really need to be more aware when I eat.  I guess I’m like a shark. I just see food and get into a feeding frenzy.  RAWR!!!  IMMA SHERK!!!  GIVE ME UR FISHIES!!! Except for Moshi.  Moshi is friend; not food. I miss Moshi.  I wake up and look over where she used to be and feel… disappointed.  She was literally the reason I woke up in the morning.  I’d go back to bed, but it gave me something to do.  I really need to start exercising today.  But I’ll do that later today.  Thinking about Texas… the first time.  Before we met.  I had a TV, cable, faster internet, Ahnassi…  I wanted to come back though because there was no one I hung out with in Texas.  Didn’t have any friends or family because my brother moved to Oklahoma and left me there by myself.  I was fine in my little apartment but my dad rushed me out.  I didn’t want to stay, mind you, but I needed more time.  I was saving up to afford to leave but my dad offered to pay for everything.  Unfortunately, that means we only had enough to put in our trucks and nothing else.  I left the TV, the TV stand, a table plus chairs… so much I left behind.  I was charged for leaving stuff in the apartment.  It was bullshit, the money I had saved went into paying off my bills from a place I wasn’t even at anymore.  Worse yet, before I paid off one of them (cable bill) my dad said I shouldn’t.  What would they do? Ruin my credit is what.  Thanks, Dad. I know you’ve heard that before, but… Idk, I’m reminiscing.  I was totally isolated then but I used to call my friends on this computer.  I had the TV on in the background because it was nice to have.  Usually Comedy Central because I needed the laugh.  I think… that’s why I’m always on this computer.  I didn’t used to be this bad, I just haven’t realized it. Christ, loneliness sucks.  I didn’t expect to do so much self discovery with this journal.

I used to go out.  I went to clubs but I stopped because I got tired of spending money on drinking.  I used to go on dates with girls.  I was really into the activist scene.  I had a V for Vendetta mask and went to the Million Mask March.  I want to again…  I’d want to take you.  Happens every November Fifth.

I feel… addicted to the computer.  More than ever.  I don’t even want to type on it.  Right now, I just want to go to sleep but I can’t.  Maybe the computer is to blame?  Idk, maybe I should limit my use of the computer to when I’m only writing.

I depend on my vices a lot.  I guess your pot is the same as my computer.  You allow it, but you don’t encourage it.  I guess you were patient with me.  More than you should have been. If it’s alright with you, I might just talk about my past today.  At least until I fall asleep or if you message me on Skype.  Whatever comes first.

I graduated high school in the middle of a recession.  It was so hard finding a job.  I applied EVERYWHERE and my dad often drove me.  I had a car, but we made it a little event.  Unfortunately, he lives in the 60’s and 70’s.  The way you apply for a job is different than it was then.  The first job I got, I wasn’t even applying for.  The Lumberjack used to be Black Bear Diner and I applied there and I was told they weren’t taking any applications.  I was disheartened because I had applied to all these places and that was the last place I applied to.  I was ready to go home with my dad when this short man with a gravelly voice stopped me outside.  He offered me a job as a freelancer.

Basically, he worked construction with Walmart.  Those shopping cart cages?  I placed the little blocks on top of them.  It was neat.  I road on a forklift lifting a panel. That panel is where I stood.  I also riveted down a lot of the isles and did other things.  I enjoyed it and the pay was nice.  Problem was it was at night so I slept during the day.  I had this crush on this girl at the time… she’s married now, but we were close friends.  I was just in the friend zone and couldn’t get out.  When I have a crush on someone, I have a crush.  I didn’t lose my virginity until later, of course. Not trying to talk about my love life (or rather, lack of).  Talking about Walmart. The job didn’t last long.  The guy I worked with eventually got into it with the dude who ran the Walmart and left.  I never got my last paycheck, but I didn’t care.  I had experience.  Turned out, it didn’t mean shit.  I’ll talk more about my job history tomorrow. In High School, I had a few crushes.  Never amounted to anything.  My first kiss was with this girl.  Heather Harmon was her name.  It was before I went to Credence (which is a continuation high school).  There was this dance which I didn’t want to go to.  I felt so awkward just being there.  I was a Freshman and I wanted to go home.  However, I was told by Heather’s friend that this girl in a curly blouse thought I was cute.  I was like, “Oh?” and super surprised.  I misheard her and thought she said something different from blouse.  Don’t remember what I thought she said.  All I remember is that I approached the wrong girl and said, “Hey, I heard you thought I was cute?” The girl looked at me, laughed, and said no.  Ouch.  What a bitch.  I went back to where I was sitting, feeling even worse when Heather’s friend got back and brought Heather with her.  Asked why I didn’t ask Heather out to a dance and I said I didn’t know she was who she was talking about.  The friend grabbed a sleeve and reiterated blouse. That’s the thing, dances and clubs and all that dumb shit… the music is just too loud.  Can’t hear shit.

Anyways, she asked me to dance and I said I didn’t know how.  She said it’s fine, she’ll teach me.  She dragged me onto the floor and we began dancing.  I was dancing horribly but she seemed fine with it.  Then the music cut to ‘slow dance’ music and we slow danced.  In the middle of it all, she kissed me.

It caught me off guard and I was so surprised.  But also happy.  I enjoyed even the small amount of affection.  She had to leave early, however, so left soon after.  My mom eventually picked me up and I left too.  On the way back, I saw her again, crossing the street.  I didn’t really remember what she looked like until I saw her outside of the dance which was ironic.  I was so surprised and caught in the moment that I couldn’t focus.

You’re probably wondering what she looked like.  She was a bit on the heavy side but she had a cute face.  Thing is, she liked to play the field if you know what I mean.  She broke up with me once and I took it easy. Then we dated again and broke up again.  Then she wanted to go out for a third time and I said no. She was a year older than me which I felt was odd.  Sophomore dating a Freshman.  That class politics, amirite? We were dorks.  Basically grade school relationship in high school.  Of course, I discovered several girls had crushes on me but I never noticed.  I was always too focused on my own crushes to notice others.  God, I felt bad about that.  I didn’t mean to be so neglectful.  I didn’t mean to be rude.  I just didn’t notice. So, I probably could have lost my virginity sooner.  Then again, I was a young republican for the longest time so I’m lucky I didn’t lose it later.  Of which, I lost it in the back of my truck on that trail we were on a while back. It’s a good trail.  Miss yooooou… <3

Anyways, the crush I had that persisted after high school.  I was close with her family, but there was nothing that ever happened between us.  She eventually moved away for college and I eventually moved to Texas. We still talked in my early days.  I guess I stopped talking to her when everything started to go sour in my life.

Huh, I messaged her a happy birthday this year.  I’m surprised, I didn’t wish ANYONE a happy birthday this year.  Then the year before during the same month.  Seems I commented on one of her posts and we discussed it in PM. Interesting.  That’s life. She was very funny.  Had a lot of problems though, sort of like you.  Stop me if you heard this before, but her mother was a very abusive ultra-christian.  I even went to church with her mother.  I guess if I had a type, that’d be it.

I’m not sure why, but I’m drawn to girls with issues.  Not because I want to feed off it but because I used to want to help.  Remember me with that “You’re beautiful” thing?  That’s not a flirt, that was me building your self-esteem.  Remember how I tried to reinforce your self-esteem?  I guess I’d be considered a white knight.  At least, I used to be.  Not so much now.  I’ve been bitter and the last girls I were with didn’t seek help really.  I was in it for the sex, not the relationship.

If I had to guess a physical type, I like your body but I also like curves.  So bigger butt maybe.  Boobs would be nice too.

Eh, I might not have a type.  I feel so shallow thinking about it.  You have the perfect body in my eyes, though.  Not why I love you.  If you were less attractive, I’d still be fond of you.  I can look past looks, but I feel I’m letting go of a piece of my person.  You can be an intellectual, you could be thoughtful, you could be compassionate, you could be reasonable… though, you’ve been less reasonable as of late.  Just saying.  >.>

Really, I like you.  I like you a lot.  Your body is great, but I can live without it.  Sometimes, I think you’re too attractive because boys are always hitting on you.  And, apparently, they made the flirting game increase in difficulty.  Ah, fuck.  -,-

I really want you to read this.  I want to tell you about the journal, but it’s a surprise.  You probably don’t want to talk to me right now, anyways.  :/

A lot of memories today.  I’m going to share the section about the first kiss.  Literal copy and paste. However, more information will be here as opposed to as on Skype. I’m not sure how you’ll take it, but that’s alright. I remember!  It wasn’t blouse.  Heather’s friend said “Shirt” and I heard “Skirt.”  Same concept, similar sound.  It wasn’t blouse but shirt and skirt.  Yeah, I can be a dweeb too.  Nothing is sacred.

My parents are talking about me going to Texas.  They talk loud because my dad is deaf.  My dad doesn’t sound so keen and I’m not sure how my mom feels, but she’s supporting me on this.

My mom just came in and asked me when I wanted the ticket.  She was a bit forceful.  I guess she’s annoyed that I haven’t done anything and that I just want to leave.  I’m talking to Adela.  Her mom is coming up for her birthday which is early in October.  I kind of want to get there after her mom leaves so I have that super comfy bed. Far better than this bed.  Good memories of it, too.  Because you were always on it.  <3

Flirting.  That was flirting. That’s something I miss.  That one dream where you were possessed by that demon cat was fucking crazy but it was hot.  You’re super sexy and I miss it.  I neeeeeeeed it.  Probably; men apparently need sex at least once a week for their mental health. I heard that from a co-worker and I’m not sure how true it is. I’ll admit, I’ve been mentally better so perhaps there is some truth to it.

Last time I saw you, I had actually hoped we’d have sex one last time. Unfortunately, I was a muttering whimp and couldn’t contain myself. I wanted affection over sex… how dumb am I?  If you answered “Pretty dumb” then you’d be correct.  I guess I wasn’t even in the mood.

I think I’d fair better in our next meeting.  I’ve been venting!  Without judgment, too!  At least for now.  And the first entry was pretty whiny but I worked through it. Could delete it, but that’d defeat the purpose of a journal.  You write what’s on your mind.  At least, that’s what I’m thinking. If not, at least it’s a placebo.  Really, that’s the only pill I really need right now.  Just gotta believe. And I believe in us.  I believe we’ll get back together.  Maybe I’m wrong, but it’s nice to believe.  Faith is fun, eh? I’ve had this pimple on my nose.  It was big and greasy.  Couldn’t get rid of it with that tea tree oil stuff but I tried to pop it.  Not much effect, it’s just scabbing now.  I look like a rhinoceros right now.  Big, fat, skin condition, rhino. Ugh… be positive. Anyways, the scab is annoying but it’ll heal soon.  My cuts look like they’re going to be light scars but they’re subtle.  Not my first scars but they seemed to cut the deepest, pun unintended.  Again, I was just… so upset.  Really should have started this journal sooner.

Anyways, I think I’m rambling now.  I’m going to try to catch some sleep. It’s currently 11am and you’re still not awake.  I’m not sure I’ll be able to.  My eyelids are heavy, but my mind is super active.  My dad wants me to take the garbage to the dump but they’re not open on Sunday.  Maybe he’ll realize this.  Anyways, trying again for sleep.  I love you, Esther.  I hope you’ve read this far.

Current time is 1:21pm.  Still, no sleep.  We had a pretty long conversation. You revealed a lot.  I think you revealed that you’d never forgive me.  Man, that hurts…  Crying now.  My heart… the muscle in my chest?  It physically hurts.  So much…  I’m sorry I neglected you.  I’ve changed, I swear.

I appreciate your honesty… it was blunt.  I guess I needed to hear it.  It’ll help me become a better person.  It’s just… damn. Never have I hated myself more than I do right this very moment. It’s not that great to be me right now.  I can’t prove to you that I’ve changed because there is no way to prove it.  I’m fighting an uphill battle.  You… really don’t want to see me.

The irony is… I still think you care. Might be wrong, but it feels like it.  Maybe the voice I’m reading your statements is just more merciful than I allow to be read.  I’d sacrifice anything for a chance to get back in your good graces.  I wish I knew how to convince you that things would be better… If you’re reading this, I’m obviously still alive.  So I’m safe, you have nothing to worry about.  Of course, if you’re reading this that means everything after has already happened.  It’s probably not even September anymore.  So, yeah… right now, I guess you just have to trust I won’t do anything permanent. Good news for current you… I’m not messaging you from now on until you message me.  I might message you before I go to Texas, but that’d be it.  I think that’s worthy for an exception, no? That said, I guess… my journal entries are going to get longer.  At least until I invest myself in something with a lot of time consumption.  I want to message you every day.  I told you about the journal.  THE JOURNAL!!!  I don’t know why, ruined the surprise… and you couldn’t care less. Or maybe you did care; you just didn’t show it.  You have a better poker face than I do.

The way you ended it sounded like you were annoyed with me, however. “gtg” is probably unlikely.  I would normally ask Daniel or Adriana to confirm if you’re going anywhere else.  Thing is, I don’t need to.  You are just tired of hearing me beg.  And I get it… that’s the fucked up thing.  I get it.  Honestly, you deserve a prince to descend from on high and sweep you off your feet.  I’m no prince, I’m just some asshole.  I think I’d leave me too.

I’m going to try to go to sleep.  Hopefully for the final time.  When I wake up, expect me to talk about some dream where you were in a wedding dress and where I was in furs, beating things with a stick and speaking with only one syllable words.  You were the best thing that ever happened to me… and I took you for granted.  I want to make up for it. But I can’t… maybe I never will…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB-RcX5DS5A

The light hurts my eyes.  It’s currently 8pm.  I think I got five hours of sleep.  I say that because I posted on Facebook before I dozed off.  It doesn’t matter.

I don’t feel good.  I didn’t have any dreams and I woke up… physically numb.  It’s hard to do simple things like move my fingers to type this.  You won’t get to see it but I’m hitting backspace a lot.  I went to the kitchen to get myself food.  I was hungry before we chatted but I took a bite out of something my dad made and couldn’t finish it.

I have a banana and a bottle of water.  I’m going to try to eat something and drink something.  After that, I think I’ll go back to bed.  Tomorrow has to be better than this.

Maybe it will be.  I’ll have to go to the dump tomorrow.  It’ll just be me going to town.  Alone.  I’ll then get a Subway sandwich.  Alone.

It’s not as bad as it sounds… I think I need the solitude right now, ironically.  I could always reach out to people if I need a friend. I’m okay.  I’ll be fine.  Despite how I feel now, I know we had a good talk despite it’s brash ending.  Your Facebook nickname is “Still the Most Beautiful.”  It’s dumb; not because you’re not the most beautiful but because you’ll never see it.  You’ll see my nickname, which I cleared.

I think you’ve seen my post.  Probably rolled your eyes and ignored it.  It’s me venting.  You’ve judged me VERY harshly in the past for my venting.  I know you don’t think you did, but you have. You’ve been pretty unreasonable.  I guess you’re trying to prove a point.  If I were feeling better, maybe I’d guess what that point is.

It doesn’t matter.  Nothing really matters.  I’ve accepted this.

You’re probably not going to read my journal.  Going to be a lot of entries I can see… for what?  Well, it calms me down and keeps me collected.  Guess it’s not that bad.

You know, the link I’ve linked you… The Scientist by Coldplay.  I’ve always liked the song but only now have I listened to the lyrics.  I don’t just listen to the song… I feel it.  It’s hard to explain but… I’m lost in the lyrics listening to the meaning.  The music video is great too, btw.  Not that I’ve been watching it.  A lot of weird physics in it, though. Maybe you and I can watch the music video in reverse and I can show you sometime… heh… Anyways, I don’t feel like writing anymore today.  I’m going to have a snack and then go to bed… again.  I’ll talk more tomorrow, alright?  I still love you.  Good night.