#and as a result allergy season this year is in fact real terrible for me specifically because of how much pollen's in the air

[magichats]

Me: Why am I so sickly despite masking up

Also me, later after some mild internet research: Ah, I forgot that allergy season is in fact a real thing and not just a funny excuse to keep masking up

[insidethecrack]

Diagnosis : curse or blessing ?

[did I already tell you how much this show is absolutely terribly awesomely great ? no ? what am I doing ! :o]

“A real diagnosis will help you feel less alone” “Don’t put a label on you” “You don’t look like you’re [insert diagnosis, generally works fine for autism and schizophrenia]” “If you don’t get a proper diagnosis you can’t get proper help”

etc etc

Whether people are pro or anti diagnosis, they all have their words to say... in our faces generaly. Because, you know, mentally ill, you can’t have a proper opinion about this, fortunately, lovely people are always ready to tell you what’s good for you ! Aren’t you happy ? 

If this introduction sounds bitter, it’s because I am. The matter of diagnosis and medication may be the two discussions where neurodiverse people are the most silenced, even if we are the people directly concerned by it. So I want to discuss it, for real, even if it’s complicated and we might have very diverse opinions. Please remember : I do not pretend, in any way, that I hold the truth. This article is nothing but food for thoughts. Food I have chewed for years now (it’s in the pipes of this blog since its creation), this is my opinion now, maybe it will change again. So feel free to disagree. I know how difficult this kind of subject can be... no truth, just food for thought. 

In the logic of the Schizophrenic Linguistic, I’ve been thinking about the power of words A LOT. A lot of people, directly concerned or not, seem to believe that a diagnosis fixes everything. Well, as usual, reality is a bit more complicated than that. [also, since it’s a complicated topic, I decided that this post will be covered Simone Simons headbanging gif, no reason, just that it’s a light for me and this article needs some light]

Naming is power

If you can name a thing, you have a chance to control it, or at least, to understand it. A lot of neurodiverse people, whatever their diagnosis, whatever their story, will tell you this: once they had a (proper) diagnosis, a lot of things had started to make sense. There was a reason for what was happening to them, and they were not the reason. It may sound obvisous, but sometimes you got to tell the obvious: if you can explain a thing, you can have a grip on it. You can modify it. Not because it’s easy (it’s not), but a diagnosis, a word, will help you now where to start. Things that were isolated are now the pieces of a puzzle. These pieces have borders. There is a picture on each of them. And you can find a way to put them together. 

What is less obvious is that the diagnosis is NOT the picture you have to create. The diagnosis is a tool to create it, to understand it. And it’s fucking important to understant that : it is just a tool. 

Why is it important ? Because psychiatry is a scam (sorry, had to get that out of my system, now back to something constructive) the lines of the diagnosis change all the time. Some diagnosis have seen their definition widened (bipolar disorder for example), other restricted (schizophrenia), other created a bit of nowhere since we’re still waiting for scientific proof or clear definition (ADHD), some were not full diagnosis, just symptoms, but are now considered as disorders of their own (anxiety), etc etc. You can choose to believe it’s science making progress, or you can be terrified because it doesn’t make sense how they’re playing with our mind. (also, if you’re like me, you might wonder : how is it possible that for each diagnosis they have found the same number of symptoms? and why “five at least” are required to get the diagnosis? why five, why not four or seven??)

Whether you’re defiant to psychiatry like me, or a true believer of the field, I think we can agree on this: diagnosis when it comes to mental health is not that easy. It’s all made of blurry lines and grey areas. And it makes sense: it can already be very tricky to get a diagnosis for a physical problem, so a mental health issue? Sometimes the concerned person is not able to properly explain it, or because they just have no idea what the problem is, or because they have no idea that this or this can be a problem. To this, you must add the therapist’s subjectivity. And this is not the angry anti-psychiatry me talking. It’s just that therapists are human too. The best therapist can be the worst therapist to someone else. Therapists have bias too... Autism is less diagnosed to women, not because there are less of them, but because of what we consider autism is and what a woman must be. Schizophrenia is more often diagnosed to black persons. Etc etc. They can miss something, or don’t connect the dots well. They can be great to spot depression and PTSD but totally hopeless when it comes to personality disorders. And when you add to this that a huge part of them just think a magic formula exist to cure each diagnosis, or that they think they’re some kind of Brain Wizard, sexism, or transphobia... the result can be absolutely terrible. 

Understanding, not magic

Having a proper diagnosis will give you the tool to understand parts of your life history, of yourself, but it won’t fix it. This is very very very important. I’ve seen so many people, concerned or not, getting this wrong. If there is only one thing that looks like an absolute truth in this article it’s this : THERE IS NO MAGIC FORMULA. No pills. No word. Nothing but hard work and time... (like basicaly anything which worths it in this life)

It’s important to remember it. When you’re the concerned person, and you get to look for a diagnosis, it’s probably because you’re in pain, sometimes for years. You’re in pain and you’re tired. And you’ve been for so long, you want solutions, you NEED solutions. And probably you don’t have time to wait. If a diagnosis will give you a key to better understand what you’re going through, it still won’t fix anything. You’ll still have to do the work of understanding, of changing. And this is a long, painful, and terrifying process... We would like a pill to numb the pain, a formula to whisper to any god, but it doesn’t work that way. 

To me, word is the picture of a thought at a given moment. Meaning that the word will last, but not the thought. And one day, the thought might be gone so far, that the word won’t make sense anymore. You’ll have to come up with a new word for the new thought.  Well, I think diagnosis makes no exception. It’s still a word that describes a reality at a given moment. We think it’s carved in stones, but it’s not. Diagnosis is a process. The definition of a diagnosis changes from time to time, but so do we. And what might have been true once, might not be in the future. 

Schizophrenia is not what it used to be. Shrinks say you’d better have cancer than schizophrenia. That you never heal from it. But people did, and people do (at least a third of schizophrenic people get cured !) I was told I’m sick, I’ve always refused to think so. But a schizophrenic friend thinks she is. And it’s not a matter of who’s right or wrong. She has the right word for herself, and I use the right words for me. (I think we’ll come to that special part later) I used to just say that I was psychotic. Then I said I have schizophrenia. Now I say I am schizophrenic, or neuroatypical if I’m not sure I’m in a friendly space. Each of this words are part of my journey along the diagnosis.A new one may come in the future, or not. 

Words and diagnosis can change, but you still got to do the (hard) work. Which means to try things, and sometimes fail. 

It also means that : run away from any therapist who pretend they have a magic formula (may it be meds, yoga, type of therapy, words). Run as far as you can from them. They’re dangerous... because they won’t listen to YOUR words. They won’t let you choose the right words for yourself. Because they think only one set of words exist for one condition... 

One word for so many realities

Let’s go back to a simple thing : a cold. If you’re like me, you may think a cold is a very simple (and genuine) illness. That it’s pretty easy to diagnose, in fact, so easy that probably none of us ever goes to a doctor to get a cold diagnosed. But we all be so wrong to think that a cold is the same for eveyone (but we still do). The symptoms are easy to spot : a blocked up nose, maybe a sore throat, headache, maybe a bit of fever, sometimes a pain in the eyes, like they’re swollen. The thing is... none of us live it the same way. A friend of mine, as soon as she has a 38° fever (NB : if you’re not used to the celcius system : normal body temperature is 37°C, 38 is barely a fever for an adult, but 39 and 40 are worrying, and at 41: run to the closest hospital) she can’t move and is in pain like me at 40... A cold is supposed to be short, but I had cold lasting for 4 uninterrupted months. A friend of a friend just got cancer and chemio, he’s cured and fine, but if you have a cold next to him, you might kill him. Also, do you know what has all the symptoms of a cold but is not a cold ? Allergies, the flue (and probably a few others). The only difference being the causes or the intensity. But what if you didn’t know you had allergies and they started during the cold season (meaning all your relatives and people in the subway have it) ? If you feel terribly sick with a 38° fever, how will you notice the difference of intensity between a cold and the flue ?

Even a simple cold isn’t that simple.  So now, if we transfer this logic to mental health, we will have a glimpse of the tricky part of diagnosis: it’s not that simple. As we say : the definition of diagnosis changes, the subjectivity of both patient and therapist has a role, and now we must remember that a simple word can recover so many different realities. 

In this blog, as often as I can, I try to explain how schizophrenia is for me and people who has it differently. So if you’re a regular reader, you might have an idea of this, but just for fun, let’s illustrate it even more.

Did you know that hearing voices is NOT a symptom of schizophrenia ? Many people hear voices without being schizophrenic and many schizophrenic persons do not hear voices. Both are often associated because it’s quite common in schizophrenia, but in no way it’s a rule.  Regarding the voices, some recognize them. They even name them. Some can clearly understand them, when for other it’s just a fog. Some hear only one voice for all their life, and it’s always the same, when other hear different voices at different ages. For only ONE element of ONE symptom (not being able to recognize a thought as theirs), the possibilities are almost endless. Can you imagine the number of possibilities when we add ALL the element of ALL the symptoms ?

This is why I told you to run from anyone pretending they have some magic cure: if you consider this mathematic reality, it’s impossible. This is why there are still to many things which are unknown or missunderstood: because mathematically the number of combinations is barely understandable by humans. A diagnosis is a list of GENERAL symptoms that are supposed to cover very different realities so they can fit in one unique box. 

A diagnosis CAN’T be a magic cure because the risk of error is way too big.  So remember : when you’re given a diagnosis, you have the right to ask why. Why does your therapist think this diagnosis fit you ? What does it mean ? And you have the right to disagree. Being wrong doesn’t mean your therapist is a horrible person wanting to hurt, maybe they just didn’t consider a key element as key, maybe there is something you didn’t tell because you didn’t think it was relevant, or maybe there was a bia. If your therapist is a good one, they’d be willing to discuss it with you. Because, once again, a diagnosis being a tool, you’ll need to understand how the tool works, and they have to make sure they give you the right tool. Once again, if they refuse to discuss the whys with you : run. 

Loneliness and stigma

Diagnosis can also be a double-edged sword. 

On one side, having a word means you’re not alone. They don’t create word for just one person. Having a diagnosis means having the right tool, it also means you’re going to be able to look for people with the same diagnosis. You’ll be able to share experiences, to exchange tricks, to be heard without having to over explain yourself. Knowing that you’re not alone can be such a relief ! No, you’re not a monster, you’re not the problem. You even have peers that can understand you ! 

I think I don’t need to develop this point much more right ? :) We’re humans, none of us like feeling lonely and forsaken...

But on the other side... it comes with a price. Stigma around mental health is clearly no joke. For some diagnosis, the stigma is so strong that we have to live in the closet. We have to do some kind of coming out to our relatives (I call it “a psyching out”, because English is so easy to neologise with). 

Schizophrenics are psycho killer. Bordeline Personality Disorder people too. And so are Multiple Personnality Disorder. 

For us, it’s sometimes better not to tell because we really take the risk to lose everything. 

But even if it doesn’t get to that point, other diagnosis come with their share of stigma too. We hear of those diagnosis so often that we think we know what they are. Spoiler alert : we don’t, for most of us. 

Depression, PTSD, autism, bipolar disorder, ADHD, anxiety, suicidal, eating disorders etc... we hear those words so often we think we know when we don’t. We know the exageration, the stupid things media say without checking. We know from a distance. We use the wrong words, we do poor choice of words, we have the wrong reaction. And people with these diagnosis suffer from this ignorance, they have to deal with it daily, coming from their loved ones sometimes, which make their life even harder. 

Also, being diagnosed is being labelled... and that part is hard. How not to get stuck in your diagnosis ? How can you do to keep it a part of yourself but not let it becoming your whole self, especially since for some of us it had a huge impact on the construction of said self ? Those are already tricky question to ask oneself. But telling your relatives about your diagnosis means you’re also inviting them to the labelling party... and you won’t be able to control how they will label you ! Will they just listen to what they think they know because they saw this TV show or read one article ? Or will they do some research on their own to understand what you’re going through and know how to support you ? Will they run away from you ? Will they bring everything to your diagnosis ? Will they stop inviting you not to “tire you too much” in a “hell in paved with good intentions” way ? Will they ask you directly so they know what to do and what not to do ? Will they avoid the subject and act like nothing changed ? Did something change anyway ? Will they tease you about it ? If so, will they bother asking for your permission or not ? Will they tell you what you should do and what your should not do after they’ve heard of the wonders of yoga and gluten-free food ? Do this list ever end ? (no)(at least that last one was easily answered)

Whatever diagnosis, wherever we are on our journey with it, we ask ourselves all these questions all the time. 

Bonus question : what’s easier, telling them the diagnosis, or explaining what it means ? Saying “I’m schizophrenic” is quicker and less overwhelming (the irony of this sentence...), but if I’m not sure the person I talk with is aware enough, this might not be the right strategy. They won’t know what it really means, either because their head is full with psycho killer bullshit, or just because they genuinely don’t know (hence the birth of this blog). So it might be better to explain a bit “I hear voices and have recurrent hallucinations which I can tell apart most of the time. In general, I have to live with a broken sense of reality”. But this solution might sound terrifying because it opens too many doors and these doors all lead to an unknown world (and I don’t even blame them to be scared. I mean... I live in this said unknown world. It IS scary...). And there’s not really a third way. 

So a diagnosis helps you feel less alone, until the moment it makes you feel even more alone than before. 

Responsability and power

I know I may sound pessimistic, so I want to emphasize this, even though I already mentioned it : a diagnosis gives you power. Knowledge is power. Naming things is power. It’s no longer an unknown thing eating your brain. It’s a thing you can name and learn to understand. There is no much more to say, but it is so important I will repeat it over again : IT GIVES YOU THE POWER TO UNDERSTAND AND GET TO KNOW YOURSELF. It’s not going to fix you, because you’re not broken. You’re hurt. You’re different. You may be not functionning well at the moment. But no psychiatrist was stupid enough to create “broken” as en entry in the DSM, and I think it says something.Even if some of them talk about “broken brain”, they still haven’t turned it into a full diagnosis, and even though, you’re not your brain, it’s just a part of you. 

It gives you power. The power to define yourself. The power to choose the words that work for you. And you can change these words as you’re working your journey ! 

Use the words, don’t let them use you. 

Also, and this might be a bit more polemic so I hope I’ll succeed in phrasing it well, don’t let them, or yourself, tell shit like “it’s not you it’s the disease”. I know sometimes our brain makes us do to stupid shits. But sentences like that, they directly open the gates to hell... They take away the responsability of your action from you. Thing is, if you’re not responsible for your actions, in the long run, someone will have to be. I’ve been there, in this place where all responsability is taken away from you because “it’s not your, it’s the disease” and believe me, you don’t want to go there. It’s hell, it’s the worst that have ever happened to me, and i’ve spent nights seeing my own body being torn apart so I could see my own head rolling on the kitchen floor... It’s always for your own good, it’s always to protect your. People who say this are very well intentioned, whether they’re therapists or your relatives. But at the end of the road : you don’t get to decide what you feel, what you think, what you want. Anytime you’ll express a slightly strong emotion “it’s not you, it’s the disease”. Which means that if they did you wrong ? Well, you’re not really angry, it’s the disease, so they don’t really have to question themselves. You’re sad ? Well, not really, it’s the disease. Take this pill / do some yoga, you’ll be better. You’re happy ? Well that’s suspicious, might be the disease talking, are you SURE you’re really happy ? You’re afraid ? Well the disease makes you afraid of everything so why bother ? Anytime you’ll try to express what you think about who you are... well the disease makes you unable to form a proper thought or to clearly see the world around you, so your opinions are biaised and we won’t listen to them. And when it comes to what you want to do regarding your own life... well, with your disease it’s not possible to do so and so. They won’t let you think about what you can or can do. They will decide what are your limits. For you. Without asking. 

Don’t let you trapped in the “it’s not it’s disease” road. Sure, it sounds easy and tempting, and we all want to do this once because it is so so hard. I write all this shit (with which you can always disagree, remember), but let me tell you a secret : there are still so many moments when I just think “when don’t I just give and let myself turn completely crazy so I will not have to take responsability for anything”. Maybe this too shall pass, maybe it won’t. It happens to the best of us. It’s normal, and it’s ok. But if we give up to this... we might never come back. We will lose so much.. we will lose our feelings, our right to think and disagree, and even our power over our own life. Everything comes with a price... if we give up the responsability of our life because it was too hard... we’ll give ourselves up to them. A them that might not be very comprehensive or well-intentioned... 

I often want to give up to the madness just so I can be declared not responsible of my action anymore, which means I won’t have to decide, won’t have to fight anymore. But schizophrenia is a well-crafted defense system (schizophrenia is an artist, a weird gloomy scary artist, but still), and anytime I have these thoughts, it brings back some conversation with the therapists from these days :

“I want to stop going to the temp hospital... I hate it here. I hate being there. I hate the people there. It scares me, I don’t want to me one of them. _But it makes you feel good ! What about going twice a week instead of only once ?”

“I forget my meds the other day and I had troubles falling asleep. Are the drugs breaking my sleeping system ? Does it mean I will never be able to sleep without pills ? What will happen when I stop taking the drugs for good ? _You must not forget your pill !”

“I’m jealous. They live with my friend, and when she’s on the phone with me they still talk to her, they’re stealing my time with her, it’s not fair.. they get to live with her and I can only call once in a while when I have no friend here. It’s not fair and I’m jealous of them. _This is not what you feel.”

And I remember what it truely means to let them tell you “it’s the disease”. Don’t fall in the trap. 

Don’t trap your relatives in this hell. Let them chose how they define themselves. How they name themselves. Stop the injonctions and listen to them, even if you disagree (I’m very anti-drugs, but I will never force my beliefs on friends who chose to be on drugs. We’ll discuss it if they want, but I’ll respect their choice anyway. And If I can do this, I have no worry, you can too. Because you truely have no idea how anti-drugs I can be...). It also means that if they don’t want to get a diagnosis, they can. Some people need a word to fight. Others will rather tackle each symptoms on their own. With all the stigma, a diagnosis can be ultra scary and for some people, it’s a real handicap in their quest for well-being. You have to respect that. If they want a diagnosis, hold their hand in the process. If they don’t, well, still hold their hands because they still have issues to fix ! :o 

Ask your therapist why this diagnosis. Make your own research. Search for other people like you. Search for their stories. Disagree with your given diagnosis if needed. Get to know yourself. 

I hope life will give you the time to do this diagnosis-travel on your own terms. Whatever way you choose, I wish you the best. May you find the tools that work the best for you. 

I hope you found this article interesting (or even helping :o). 

I want to try to write here more regularly, like maybe once a month... so if you have any question or topic you wanna see discussed here, let me know ! I’m looking for way to communicate with you (so you can submit question or topics more easily), but FB is worse and worse for this kind of this and I’m regularly forced to avoid it because it triggers my paranoia... a discord maybe ? Any ideas ?

Also, I have a little ask... I’m back to precarity shit and all the money anxiety it brings with it. So maybe, if you like this blog and you can, maybe you can buy me a coffee ? Or just share the articles you like. And if you can’t, it’s ok, I still with you the best of way on your own quest for well-being <3 

[coquuin]

really LONG CHARACTER SURVEY. RULES. repost ,   don’t  reblog  !  good  luck  !

TAGGED. i stole it from Kiki!! TAGGING. whoever wants to do it!!

BASICS.

FULL NAME: Ezekiel Axel Ruiz Rosario

NICKNAME: Zeke

AGE: (Verse dependent) anywhere from 19 to 25! most often tho, i usually make him 25.

BIRTHDAY: November 15 (self given bc he doesnt know his real birthday)

ETHNIC GROUP: Puerto Rican / Latino

NATIONALITY: British-American

LANGUAGE(S): English, Spanish, Dutch, Japanese, Latin, Romanian, some Russian, and some Chinese! he likes to study languages a lot....

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Demi-Pansexual

ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: Demi-Panromantic

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Hes multiship boiiii

CLASS: Upper class, though he really doesnt have very expensive tastes or anything. Seems like he’d be lower class, but. yknow, he is a celebrity so.

HOMETOWN / AREA: London, England

CURRENT HOME: A very small and shitty apartment. Yeah, he could get a much better home bc he does have the money, but... hes weird and likes a more slightly cramped space. dont question Ezekiel, he has weird preferences.

PROFESSION: Guitarist of the rock band Rogue! also used to work at a music shop when he was like 17, but that was back in London.

PHYSICAL.

HAIR: Very curly and messy black hair! He hardly bothers to take care of it. its prolly greasy bc hes a fucking gremlin pls make him take a shower. stinky boye

EYES: BIG OL FUCKIN EYES. they’re brown! a little sunken, and has massive bags under them--rather than the bags being from lack of sleep, though, theyre actually a result of too much sleep! Ezekiel can and WILL fall asleep wherever and whenever he wants. you cant stop him. his eyes are pretty big actually, and very expressive!

NOSE: the bitch looks like its been broken like ten times. he got a weird ass nose. its a little big, but not terribly so!

FACE: scrawny as FUCK. motherfucker’s head shape looks like a fuckin crescent moon. you know that one tiktok meme with the girl who has the weird ass moon lookin head? bitch looks like that a little bit. croissant lookin ass head.

LIPS: very thin! pls get him some chapstick

COMPLEXION: bitch looks like he hasnt gone out in the sun in over 20 years! which, actually, isnt entirely wrong bc he pretty much hasn’t. pale as fuck! his skin looks gray, like a fucking corpse. he looks like a zombie, but i swear to god hes a plain ass human i think

BLEMISHES: a lot! mostly on his body tho, especially on his back.

SCARS: A  L O T!!! his back is literally covered in a shit ton of scars in the shape of upside down crosses, and he has a lot on the rest of his body as well, and several on his left wrist. yeah he, uh... he aint okay

TATTOOS: None! hes way too terrified to get one and hates the idea of one being stuck on his body for like the rest of his life rip

HEIGHT: 6′ 3″ / 190.05cm

WEIGHT: about like... 98lbs?? which is. fUCKING TERRIBLE FOR HOW TALL HE IS!!! LIKE HOLY SHIT EZEKIEL ARE YOU GOOD??? HOW ARE YOU ALIVE?!?!?! EZEKIEL?!?!?!?! FUCKING EAT SOMETHING PL EASE

BUILD: SCRAWNY AS SHIT. HE IS SO SKINNY HOLY SHIT. OH MY GOD GET THIS BOY A FUCKING BURGER OR SOMETHING BEFORE HE DIES JESUS CHRIST!!!!

ALLERGIES: Dandelions! He’ll just sneeze a lot around them

USUAL HAIRSTYLE: The bangs are kiiiinda kept to the side sorta just so its not falling in his eyes, but other than that, he doesnt really bother to like, style it or anything. its just curly and messy. although! when he was a child all the way to his teens, he did have a stupid ass bowlcut! but that wasnt his own choice, so he cant really be blamed for it :(

USUAL FACE LOOK: motherfucker has the WORST case of resting bitch face you will ever fucking see. even when hes happy he still looks angery sometimes!!! but thats literally just his fucking face!!!!

USUAL CLOTHING: a looot of slightly baggy clothing. lots of hoodies! especially wears a lot of black and red, mostly black. also wears mostly boots or sneakers, usually the ladder. he just doesnt really give two shits about fashion, as he’s more concerned with just sorta.. hiding his body. hes very insecure! save him

PSYCHOLOGY.

FEAR(S): "the devil”, getting close to anyone, performing in front of people, people in general, cats, knives & other sharp objects, the sight of his own blood

ASPIRATION(S): "to escape the Devil’s wrath,” as he phrases it. of course, the whole ‘THE DEVIL IS OUT TO KILL EVERYONE I LOVE AND THEN HE’LL KILL ME NEXT’ thing is obviously just in Ezekiel’s head, but it feels very real to him! he basically just wants to be free of the “demons” in his head. aside from that, he also really really reeaaally wants to own an orphanage someday! basically take in orphan kids and help give them a much better life than he had. but as for right now, he fully realizes he’s not ready for that at all, so he’s currently more focused on his music career and getting better mentally, though the ladder is a slow process.

POSITIVE TRAITS: Patient, simple, humble

NEGATIVE TRAITS: Rude, temperamental, paranoid

ZODIAC: Scorpio!

TEMPERAMENT: uhhhh fuck idk i just took a quiz for this and ezekiel got like a tie between phlegmatic and melancholic--but if i had to guess, i’d say melancholic!

SOUL TYPE(S): Spiritualist!

ANIMALS: i always associate Ezekiel with dogs bc. he literally just acts like a fuckin angery dog. and an angery snake or something. bUT MOSTLY DOGS. he will literally bark at people, because he’s a fucking weirdo who doesnt know how to behave like a normal fucking human being

VICE  HABIT(S): uhhh drugs and alcohol are a big thing he does!! and generally pushing everyone away so he doesnt get close to anyone! and also acting like a gotdam ANIMAL. SOMEONE PLS MAKE EZEKIEL STOP FUCKING BARKING AND HISSING AT PEOPLE!!!

FAITH: Christian! his religion is very important to him too!

GHOSTS?: Yes!

AFTERLIFE?: Yes!

REINCARNATION?: He isn’t really sure about reincarnation, but wants to believe it exists.

ALIENS?: Yes.

POLITICAL ALIGNMENT: fuck if he knows. ezekiel could not give less of a shit about politics and hardly knows anything about it bc he really doesnt keep up with anything.

SOCIO POLITICAL POSITION: he doesnt give a fuck

EDUCATION LEVEL: None. he never even went to school, fun fact!

FAMILY.

FATHER: Dead!

MOTHER: Dead!

SIBLINGS: None!

EXTENDED FAMILY: None!

NAME MEANING(S): Ezekiel means “God will strengthen”! I have no idea what Rosario means sadly bc i cant find anything good on it on google :(

HISTORICAL CONNECTION?: None that he knows of.

FAVORITES.

BOOK: He couldn’t possibly pick a single favorite book--he loves a lot! but he loves mostly romance genres! which is so fucking ironic considering he’s fucking terrified of getting into relationships. and even more ironically? he doesnt read any horror genres bc it scares him too much!

MOVIE: he doesn’t know.

5 SONGS: While My Guitar Gently Weeps - the Beatles; Brick in the Wall - Pink Floyd; Stairway to Heaven - Led Zeppelin; Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen; Don’t Fear the Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult.

DEITY: God, Jesus

HOLIDAY: Christmas! everyone expects Ezekiel to be like the grinch or something and hate Christmas, but nope! He surprisingly loves it!

MONTH: March

SEASON: Fall

PLACE: His bed

WEATHER: Preferably a little cold, but not too much, bc he just cant stand being hot--and completely dark outside!

SOUND: Gentle guitar strums.

SCENT(S): Ivory

TASTE(S): Anything thats like. Meat. hes very picky tho

FEEL(S): Skin. As in, like, being affectionate with someone else! He’s just very touch starved rip

ANIMAL(S): Yknow, oddly enough, despite acting like a fuckin wild animal a lot, he doesnt like animals much. but definitely dogs are his favorite!

NUMBER: 20

COLORS: Red and black--though he likes blue as well, especially dark blue.

EXTRA.

TALENTS: Music--especially with guitar! And painting, writing, literature.

BAD AT: Anything to do with math or science and stuff like that; anything that requires physical work. hes p much bad at like.. most things tbh.

TURN ONS: Just like.. be soft and gentle with him... also probably has a lowkey praise kink--if you could call it much of a kink i guess? hes pretty vanilla tbh. hes just soft.....

TURN OFFS: If you go rough on him at all he WILL cry. Also anything that, like, restricts him like ropes or some shit will literally make him panic so fucking bad. basically hes just vanilla as fuck, just be gentle with him pls

HOBBIES: Writing / playing music, writing in general, painting, watching random ass movies on TV until he falls asleep, sleeping, avoiding his problems like the fuckin wind

TROPES: man fuck if i know

AESTHETIC TAGS: literally all of Aurelio Voltaire’s songs; shit you’d see in Halloween (which is funny bc Ezekiel fucking hates Halloween); vampires; satanic symbolism. which is all ironic, bc Ezekiel doesnt actually like spooky shit! but it all sure does give big Ezekiel vibes anyway

GPOY  QUOTES: huh

FC INFO.

MAIN  FC(S): Jack the ripper from, well, Oyasumi Jack the Ripper!

ALT FC(S): None!

OLDER FC(S): None!

YOUNGER  FC(S): None rip

VOICE CLAIM(S): Murdoc Niccals from Gorillaz

GENDERBENT FC(S): iiiiii dont really do genderbends pretty much so none

MUN QUESTIONS.

Q1: IF YOU COULD WRITE YOUR CHARACTER YOUR WAY IN THEIR OWN MOVIE, WHAT WOULD IT BE CALLED, WHAT STYLE WOULD IT BE FILMED IN, AND WHAT WOULD IT BE ABOUT?:

Honestly probably something like the movie Sybil??? like basically just delving deep into his whole psychology and mindset and whatnot and why he acts the way he acts. those are always like my FAVORITE type of movies, and Ezekiel would honestly be fucking perfect for something like that bc literally every single aspect of his entire personality has been molded in some way shape or form by some event in his life, especially to do with the cult he was raised in, and it hONESTLY IS SO INTERESTING TO JUST LIKE.. STUDY WHAT EZEKIELS BRAIN IS LIKE BASICALLY. AT LEAST FOR ME ANYWAY BC I AM HIS MUN AND ALL BUT.

Q2: WHAT WOULD THEIR SOUNDTRACK / SCORE SOUND LIKE?:

for some reason i always kinda associate him with like edgy violin and piano music?? i mean hey rock stars can be classy too fuck u

Q3: WHY DID YOU START WRITING THIS CHARACTER?:

WELL ORIGINALLY WHEN I FIRST CREATED HIM HE WAS JUST BASED OFF MURDOC NICCALS BC, YALL ALREADY KNOW DAMN WELL IM OBSESSED WITH THAT PICKLE MAN, BUT. Now, however, he’s WAAAAAAAAY different and i just love writing him so much bc like. basically like what i said in the movie question!! he is SO fucking interesting to delve into psychology wise. like, yeah he has an edgy ass tragic backstory, but whats neat about that is you can absolutely see how said edgy backstory ties into his mindset and individual habits and how the memories of it still affects his everyday life despite the fact that he’s escaped it a long time ago now. even in the small things he does, chances are is that every single thing that he does is either something he does to soothe and comfort himself for his own safety, or something that has just been fucking drilled into his mind by the cult members and whatnot, if any of that makes sense? LIKE YALL DONT UNDERSTAND I HAVE LITERALLY WATCHED LIKE HOURS LONG DOCUMENTARIES ON ORPHANAGES AND SATANIC CULTS AND PSYCHOLOGY AND HOW TRAUMA LIKE WHAT EZEKIEL EXPERIENCED CAN FUCK SOMEONE UP, JUST FOR THE SAKE OF WRITING HIM CORRECTLY AND REALISTICALLY. LIKE HE STARTED OFF AS SOME MURDOC NICCALS REJECT WHEN I MADE HIM IN LIKE?? 2015 MAYBE??? BUT NOW, MY MAIN INTEREST IN HIM IS LIKE, HOW FASCINATING HIS FUCKING MIND IS IN A WAY. idk im a big psychology nerd but.

Q4: WHAT FIRST ATTRACTED YOU TO THIS CHARACTER?:

Murdoc

Q5: DESCRIBE THE BIGGEST THING YOU DISLIKE ABOUT YOUR MUSE:

him pushing everyone away! like its one thing to have a self-defense mechanism like where you just generally act kinda mean to drive people off, but Ezekiel can really take it to a whole new level and he really can be like.. a hUGE ASSHOLE BC OF IT. its mostly when he realizes that he may be starting to become close with anyone that it really gets to a bad point and he becomes all the more self-destructive. THIS IS GONNA BE VERY UNSANITARY SO WARNING BUT hes literally told someone in an rp once like “YOURE GOING TO FORCE ME TO EAT YOUR SHIT OR DRINK YOUR FUCKING URINE JUST LIKE THOSE FUCKING PEOPLE IN THE ORPHANAGE DID, ARENT YOU???? IS THAT WHAT YOU FUCKING WANT FROM ME?? TO USE ME, HURT ME, CUT ME, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT??? WE ARE NEVER GOING TO BE FUCKING FRIENDS YOU GODDAMN IDIOT!!! WHAT THE HELL MADE YOU THINK WE HAD ANYTHING IN COMMON??” AND ITS JUST KINDA.. YIKES SCOOB! but basically hes willing to say just about anything to push people away so he can avoid getting close to anyone

Q6: WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN COMMON WITH YOUR MUSE?:

WE BOTH FEAR AND AVOID ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS LIKE THE FUCKIN WIND. also when i was younger i definitely had a tendency to try and make people hate me just to push people away like Ezekiel does but im not like that anymore thankfully!!

Q7: HOW DOES YOUR MUSE FEEL ABOUT YOU?:

oh hed probably try to fucking kill me lol

Q8: WHAT CHARACTERS DOES YOUR MUSE HAVE INTERESTING INTERACTIONS WITH?

HONESTLY LIKE.. P MUCH EVERY INTERACTION EZEKIEL HAS IS SO GOOD. Ezekiel is one of those characters where its very hard to have a boring rp bc he just does so much shit, so like no matter who i rp him with, its bound to be amazing. ALTHOUGH I DO NEED TO MAKE HIM INTERACT WITH MORE PEOPLE TBH!!! the only problem i have when writing him sometimes is actually making him talk to new people, bc of his extreme shut-in attitude and whatnot, so he literally just never starts conversations with anyone he barely knows.

Q9: WHAT GIVES YOU INSPIRATION TO WRITE YOUR MUSE?:

listening to any music that reminds me of him! but otherwise, it usually just comes pretty naturally to me tbh. just some days ill be in the mood for him all day--same with a lot of my characters actually.

Q10: HOW LONG DID THIS TAKE YOU TO COMPLETE?:

A LONG ASS TIME

[thejerkstorecalled]

#Triatus: it’s been a while...

Not only did I take an 8+ month triatus from racing, but evidently from writing about it, too! This doesn’t mean that I haven’t been training or busy. In fact, quite a few things have happened since my last 2016 triathlon:

Half marathon PR (:05 is :05, baby!)

Marathon PR (five whole minutes!)

some fun albeit wet winter riding and climbing, so rainy here in Cali this winter!

A winter training weekend with my new racing team for 2017, Team Freeplay, such as amazing group of ladies!

a fun and festive “hens weekend” in Palm Springs 

a half marathon non-PR but it was my third fastest time on arguably the toughest course I’ve raced and a 2nd OA finish 

a WEDDING! Mine :) it was incredible and perfect 

Leading up to the nuptials, I was doing a pretty solid volume of training, semi-structured even. I did have a bit of wedding hangover from the lack of structure and routine the week of and even a bit immediately following, but within a week or so was back at it, aided by the awesome performances of so many friends at 70.3 Florida. Always so inspiring to watch people race, and it helps get me back in the mindset. 

I was most worried about coming back on the bike given the run training that I’d done in preparation for the half marathon. Perhaps some of my best yet. I had been riding with the guys a good bit throughout the winter and rejoined the group rides after only a short wedding hiatus feeling pretty strong. Coach then had me do a “crash week” on the bike, logging 250 outdoor miles and 6.5 Kickr hours across nine days. I felt great and was really enjoying it. The only thing that started to surface was the result of the rainy season really leaving. This meant that the super bloom equated to super allergies. Windy, long rides outdoors often left me out of commission for the rest of the day or longer and didn’t help recoery sleep. 

As the weather improved, and my outside time expanded to upwards of ten hours or so in a given weekend riding, running, swimming and leisure-riding, my allergies wreaked havoc. I couldn’t breathe. Ever, it seemed. Brushing my teeth was a cardio/anaerobic event. Sleep was intermittent at best. The resulting sloppy trail runs left me bruised and scabbed from tumbles. My cycling still seemed okay, strong even, but my running felt like it was really taking a hit. Intervals were a joke and a half. I was miserable and also concerned that some of my symptoms felt like an overreach for simple allergies. 

I finally broke down and scheduled an appointment with an allergist, and also started a regimen of local honey. Desperate times called for desperate mesasures. The allergist diagnosed and prescribed much of the typical for what I was experiencing, but a bit stronger than the OTC remedies that I was maxing. And then the curve ball: asthma. And an inhaler; for all that wheezing, shortness of breath and tight chest. How could I underperform on a breathing test? I could only say to the allergist “but I exercise a lot.” It threw me off, but I shouldn’t have been totally surprised, as both my parents have asthma, and I specifically remember my Dad - a very active and fit individual - carrying an inhaler for as long as I can recall. It was also partially a relief and an end to a paranoid pursuit of googling things like “symptoms of Lyme disease” as I’d wondered if I’d been ineffective cleaning up after long jaunts on trails. 

I had some interesting (weird?) internal battles that followed during workouts and also my first triathlon back: Folsom International. I didn’t want to be in a haze of medication so I opted not to take any pre-race but to have it for when I finished. I hadn’t done any open water swims yet on the year, so made sure to get transition set up early enough that I had ample time to swim in the water and adjust to the coldish (mid-60s) temps and murky composition. 

The swim started in deep water because of debris from branches and sticks at the lake entrance. My start wave was the last and a bit large, and I started near the front from wide right (typical). The horn sounded, and I started swimming and felt pretty good. Until I didn’t. I wasn’t sure if it was the water (temps or murkiness), the aerobic effort, or my respiratory limitations, but I felt out of breath very quickly. I then started to panic, not eased by the sense of crowdedness. This was exacerbated by the goggles I’d selected, which had limited periphery and fogged up terribly.  I couldn’t see anything, and the buoys I was trying to spot were *white* versus the typical neon orange or yellow. I moved to the far right, which helped, but I ended up implementing a lot of tarzan swimming and breast stroke. Mostly as I swam through large patches of the same kind of debris as was near the shore, moving sticks and branches away from my neck and head. It felt like I was being choked by them. If there had been more kayaks or if I could see them, I might have called it a day in the water. Fortunately and unfortunatley, I have experiences like Ironman Wisconsin and Escape from Alcatraz to pull from, where I was in a crappy swim situation for much more than 1,500 meters!

I was SO excited to be done with that swim, and just wanted to pedal and climb on my bike. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to get on my bike so badly. I had a blast riding the rollers and the bigger, steeper climbs further out on the course. On one of these longer, steeper climbs in the last half of the bike, I rode past a young twenty-something from an early start wave and gave her kudos. She responded by confirming that there were only two more ladies ahead of me. That was exciting considering that I’d started last! I passed one more about five miles up the road. We then went off-roading through a gravel section before getting back to transition where I noticed that the most recent pass had caught up and was right with me. 

The run was on trails, which got me super-excited to get to the run portion of the race. You can’t really be a stickler about pace on trails, so it’s all about effort, chasing people and having fun. I had a sense of urgency departing transition since the other gal was young, and therefore I assumed she’d be fast ha ha! Plus, I had one to catch! I started off feeling okay and progressively felt better as I traversed the changing terrain throughout the run: soft sand, single track, steep fire trails and everything in between. Some folks coming back the other way encouraged me that the other lady was not far ahead. I really wanted to ask: how many minutes and how old is she? If she were younger, there was a good chance that I was actually in the lead. Did I have a buffer?! I felt amazing the last mile or two and dropped some guys that I’d been running it in with, though did not catch the other female (spoiler alert: she was not younger and got me by 2′). 

After I crossed the finish line, I immediately launched into a terrible coughing and wheezing attack. It was at this moment that I realized I’d left all my meds - inhaler included - at home. It was scarry with my obliques cramping through the violent cough fest, leaving me struggling to breathe. 

I didn’t wait around too long before heading home, and my other allergy symptoms had already started to unleash. Home was not close and I wanted to be there so, so badly. I was also starving, but not about to stop for food because I didn’t want to delay my arrival home. The two-hour ride home (Sac Saturday traffic FTW) was an emotional rollercoaster. I felt like now my issues had names and that was affecting how I thought about them. Like they were a real thing that owned me. I felt like I had this dependency now, like I was vulnerable. I hate that. I’ve always liked to feel independent and tough. This didn’t feel that way. The old me, before I knew I had a thing with a name, would have said “I feel like crap, so I’m promising myself a beer, tacos and a hot bath when I get home; until then, I’m putting on my big girl briefs and sucking it up.” This internal dialogue made me upset, mad. 

Over the following days, deciding that I don’t like being dependent on things and that this affliction bothered me less when I thought I was just “feeling like crap,” I decided to forgo the meds. I felt good enough without them, but still needed to use the inhaler when I had episodes that called for it. 

My run came back around over the weeks following and I started nailing my run workout targets. Some of this was the resolution that I was done feeling like crap and it was time to get it done, but it also helped that the temperatues were heating up and the allergens clearing the air. I freakin’ love the hot weather (don’t let me forget this in two months:) ), and have been spending time in the steam room at the gym to assist. This has been a good impetus for me to log a couple short bonus swims each week, post-swim steam room time!

I will say that I’ve continued to struggle on the bike. Trainer rides, and some outdoors, where I’ve had tough targets. It’s the balance of relying on the legs versus the lungs. Being what I’d consider a softer and more noodly* athlete compared to my more muscular counterparts, I’ve always relied on my lung power (cardio, cadence) to get me through tough sessions and intervals. After finding myself gasping through many a trainer workout and feeling on the brink of tears, I’ve had to learn how to lean on my legs, and that burns! 

*this is not for lack of trying! I love my strength training sessions, and make a concerted effort to get a lot of daily protein by way of protein powder in smoothies, hardboiled eggs, greek yogurt, nuts and legumes, salmon. etc

It’s frustrating because my Instagram feed is too many ladies raving about their amazing trainer sessions and these workouts they’ve conquered to achieve their goals and how they feel so great about themselves. And how FUN it is! It’s tough to think about that during a session where you feeling like you’re dying and it’s the furthest thing from fun. My conclusion is that they’re simply not working hard enough if they’re having that much fun, ha! There have been - during and after trainer sessions - a lot of near-tears and declarations to quit triathlon altogether and other things found in the “dark place.” It’s been a learning process so far this season to reconcile how I use my body (legs vs lungs and in between) to achieve the targets set forth. Should be an interesting season...