#and are now pretending to be shocked that violent homophobes are comfortable with them

[itsjustpoopeh]

Blocking Anonymous Works on AO3

You can't mute Anonymous on ao3, which means you can't get rid of works that malicious twatwaffles post anon

Or can you?

here's the skin for blocking any work on AO3:

.work-58129216 { display: none !important; }

the ID number comes from the end of the work URL

the above skin comes pre-loaded with a certain violent buddieblr homophobe's untagged child rape story

we all know who created this environment, now go forth and mute assholes abusing the anonymous function

[whatiwillsay]

submission: we need to talk about ttb (spade-riddles)

Hey Cam. Seeing that ask defending TTB’s doxxing has sort of pushed me to finally share some of my story on Tumblr, I guess. I haven’t had the opportunity to talk about this to anyone fully, so this will probably be long, but I hope you don’t mind me venting.

I’m one of the people that got emailed by TTB. I don’t feel comfortable posting this off anon, but I was in a Discord server with you and @bisluthq and some other people back in Dec/Jan. I don’t know if you remember me, but my name on there was one word and began with an L and ended with an S.

I want to share the full story, but I also don’t feel comfortable with sharing certain details publicly because I’m still very wary of getting outed further by her if she sees this, so I’m gonna be vague about some things

Request to her followers — If you see this, please don’t send this to her. Like I’m genuinely asking you not to because I don’t trust her not to cross any more lines. My dad is a major homophobe with serious anger issues who has literally been arrested for violence before, and she doesn’t really think carefully or maybe even care about how any actions she takes could lead to people being harmed, so I’m not eager to see how she might react.

Anyway, I first got an email back in December, and I was really freaked out by it at first. I spoke to one of my mutuals about it, and although we both agreed it was super weird and invasive and creepy, we ended up trying to see the funny side of it. So, I kinda just brushed it off and moved on. I was mainly just really confused about why I had been targeted because at the time, I thought it was only me who’d gotten an email like that. I didn’t understand why she’d specifically targeted me instead of other people who she clearly disliked a lot more.

About a week later, I saw someone on Tumblr mentioning a strange email, and I realised other people must have gotten them too. I spoke to Nat about what happened to me and ended up in the Discord

At the time, I felt like I’d gotten off really easy comparatively to others because I initially didn’t realise that she’d contacted anyone else. And so I tried to act chill about it because I didn’t want to make things about me, but honestly, I was extremely anxious. I felt on edge for over a week. I would keep checking her blog again and again because I was super worried that she would post our personal details publicly. I scrolled through my entire blog from start to finish and deleted a lot of posts that were either personal or that I just didn’t want anyone I knew in real life to read.

This part I have to be vague about because it would basically give away who I am, but it was only a while later when I thought I was in the clear that someone I knew in real life texted me and mentioned seeing a weird email about me. The email had been sent a while back, and they’d been shown it by the original recipient/s. Multiple people had been shown it, but luckily (kinda), only two of those people were actually people I saw on a regular basis

I’m mostly closeted, but I’m kind of technically out to a few of my immediate family members. But it’s very much a DADT situation because they’re not accepting, and they like to just pretend I’m straight. And so I basically have to act closeted even when I’m around them, and I can’t even ALLUDE to being gay.

But with my dad, it’s different. He’s very homophobic. I’m only gonna mention this next part so that people understand what kind of dangerous situation that TTB could have put me in. (And the other people that she doxxed too because she didn’t know how safe their individual situations were). It’s all really personal, and I wouldn’t ordinarily feel comfortable sharing any of this at all, even anonymously, but I think it needs to be said because her actions were extremely fucking irresponsible.

Right, so when I first “came out” to my dad, it was actually an accident, and he reacted… extremely badly. This was back in like… 2018 or 2019, I can’t remember the exact year

(TW // physical abuse, homophobia)

He was extremely angry, literally shaking. He yelled at me, he described in graphic detail how he was going to “break every bone in my body”, “strangle the life out of me”, “drown me”, etc. He kept telling me that I’m disgusting and going to Hell, you get the idea. He was having a lot of fun with making strangling motions and stabbing motions with his hands, and he kept slamming his hand onto the table. That went on for about 15 minutes, and then he stood up and threw a chair from the dining table at me. That was fun lol. And he punched me in the head pretty hard which kinda knocked me back. I felt dizzy, I had to sit down on the floor. At that point, my mum who had been crying and asking him to stop physically intervened, and he ended up storming out of the house instead. My mum’s a genuinely good person btw. She’s a little homophobic, but she cares about me a lot, and I’m very grateful for her. She hates him too, but she’s kinda stuck with him… It wasn’t her fault

He literally hates gay people. He complains about us on the regular. One time, he threw the remote at the TV and cracked the screen just because there was a gay male couple kissing onscreen. Another time, he threw a rock at a gay man on the street. There was also a time where he forced a few of my siblings (who didn’t want to do it) to throw peeled oranges out of the window at people celebrating pride while he drove past them and yelled insults at them. He found that really funny. Anyway, I’m sure you guys get the idea of what kind of person he is

He hasn’t laid a hand on anybody in several months though, so I do think he’s trying to be better at least. Like he’s still verbally abusive and controlling and awful, but I appreciate that he’s at least making an effort to calm down with the hitting and kicking and stuff

Anyway, with my dad, it’s less DADT and more that I think he’s got it in his head that he managed to scare me into “seeing the error of my ways” and that I’ve “stopped choosing to be gay” and that I’m now straight. So, if it had been HIM who had gotten that email, it would’ve been like… extremely bad. Like I’m getting anxious just thinking about it. And this is why I’m so angry at TTB. It was extremely, extremely irresponsible of her to not consider these kinds of possibilities before she sent out her stupid emails. She’s supposed to be an ally, but it didn’t even cross her mind that these emails would lead to people being outed and possibly even harmed?? It’s not okay at all. I’m just very grateful that she didn’t send one to him because I don’t even know what kind of situation I would be in right now.

Anyway, enough about my fucking awful dad… I feel uncomfortable that I even typed all of that out, but I wanted people to understand how dangerous her actions could have been. Like I mean, my dad’s got PTSD and extreme anger issues from his teenage years, so I do try not to judge him TOO harshly, but there’s no excuse for being a huge bigot or occasionally violent. The idea of him being the one who got that email is still so scary to me. Like my heart is racing just thinking about it

One of the people that DID read the email was the male friend I mentioned earlier though. He was shown it by someone else for a particular reason, and he was a very important person to me. Like he was a good guy, we were close, he helped me out with certain personal issues I have and is one of only two people that I know in real life that I felt comfortable confiding in about them. We’d always meet up once a week, sometimes twice, and we’d just talk about stuff and make an effort to help each other out with things. Like he was very important to me.

It turns out that he’d looked through my blog before I’d got around to scrubbing it, and he asked me if I was gay in person the next time we met up. I couldn’t lie because like… he’d have known I was lying right to his face. So, I told him I was, and you should have seen his face. It made me feel so awful about myself. He looked really stunned and shocked and kinda uncomfortable. Like it got so awkward, and I started rambling and making things worse. He was avoiding eye contact, and my voice was shaking.

I ended up making up an excuse to leave about 5 mins later and had an actual anxiety attack. Again, this is embarrassing and something I’d never usually talk about online, but I just want to get it all off my chest so that I can move past it all.

So, I was like on the verge of tears (I don’t cry easily), I couldn’t breathe properly, I was pacing around the building, and I just wanted to escape, so I headed straight for the doors. There was a queue of about 100 people lined up and waiting to leave, and I couldn’t think straight or breathe and just needed to be outside, so I tried to go out through the other exit which is for staff only. The security guard stopped me and basically publicly humiliated me in front of all of those people. He loudly shamed me and said I “didn’t have any decency” for attempted to jump the queue, lectured me in this really condescending tone, and then sent me right to the back of that huge line. Meanwhile, I was literally in the midst of a bad anxiety attack.

And then I eventually got outside and had to call my mum to come and pick me up instead of just making my own way home like I usually do. She’s amazing though tbh because she actually came to get me and didn’t even question why. I had to skip all of my plans for the rest of the day and instead just hid upstairs in my bedroom with the lights off until the next day. I refused to tell any of my family members what had happened even though they kept asking. I just felt so, so awful, and my anxiety was through the roof

To be honest, before that happened, my mindset was like: “I mean, if I get outed, it obviously wouldn’t be good, but I think I’d be able to deal with it fine”. But then, when it actually happened, and I saw the way my close friend reacted, I had like a whole emotional breakdown lol. It’s like, you think you’d be fairly chill in a situation, but when it actually happens, your reaction can be really unpredictable. I was so embarrassed by everything about that entire incident. I didn’t even want to show my face the next day.

It’s been almost two months since that happened, and in that entire time, my friend has contacted me once. We literally used to meet up once or twice a week (and during lockdown, we’d do video calls or phone calls instead), but since then, we’ve barely even spoken. Things are just so awkward now. I know this sounds stupid, but I feel like TTB’s taken one of my best friends away from me. I don’t think he’s a homophobe or anything, he has openly gay friends and is fairly accepting, but I think it’s just the way that he found out that has just made things so weird between us now. I feel like if I’d had the chance to come out to him myself in my own way, he wouldn’t have reacted like that. But I’m gonna text him next week and see if we can maybe try to fix our friendship, but I doubt it at this point

The other people who were shown the email, I mostly just avoid. I don’t really care about them knowing that much because I wasn’t close to them, but it’s just really embarrassing knowing that they probably scrolled through my Tumblr blog before I scrubbed it

And about Tumblr… This used to be the only place that I could fully be myself. It was like a “safe space” for me which feels ironic now. But I haven’t been active on my blog since December. I still lurk occasionally, but I just don’t feel comfortable here anymore. I did consider deleting my current blog and starting afresh with a new one, but I don’t think it’d make much of a difference… Like she’s kind of ruined Tumblr for me. I do still enjoy reading people’s blogs every now and then, but I don’t feel relaxed here anymore, I just feel on edge.

It’s mainly the fact that SHE’S still here. She still has a platform, she still has a bunch of followers. It’s been so hard seeing her face next to no consequences whatsoever for the horrible things that she’s done to so many different people. And it upsets me that she hasn’t even acknowledged that what she did was wrong. Plus, it makes me feel even worse that the Hard Kay blogs and some other people are still supporting her and pretending that this whole thing just didn’t happen. Like do they just not care? Or is it that she’s twisted things and made them believe that the situation was different to what it actually was?

And tbh, this whole situation has even set me back in my own sort of personal self-acceptance journey. I had such bad internalised homophobia when I was younger, and it took me so many years to get to a place where I had mostly accepted myself. But now I just feel ashamed again, and I’ve gone back to my old habit of trying to force myself to be attracted to men. Like I downloaded Tinder the other day and set my preference to men and was swiping through profiles. It’s kinda silly actually. I did snap out of it and delete the app the next day though. But I don’t know, I feel like this whole thing has just kinda fucked with me a bit. I am trying to work this stuff out and get back to normal though. I think I’ll be good again in maybe a month or so, hopefully.

And… yeah. I just really resent her, and this situation upsets me. Because the reason she did this was so petty and ridiculous, and I guess she didn’t even realise how much it would impact people? Like I do know that my situation wasn’t as bad as some of the other people’s situations, and I feel really bad for them, and I hope they’re all doing okay. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for them. But it still has impacted me a lot more than I actually thought it would. I thought I’d get over it within a couple of weeks. But it’s been like two months, and I’m still not completely over it

I know it might not sound like a huge thing, but being outed really does affect you, even if it’s only to a few people. Because to me, I feel like I’ve had my sense of like, security and comfort taken away, and it’s kinda distressing. Sorry if I sound dramatic with any of this, I just really needed to say all of this stuff to other people besides myself lol

Like her actions have literally led to me being outed to a few people. A close friendship that I had has basically been ruined. I don’t feel comfortable or secure on Tumblr anymore, even though it used to be an important outlet for me. I’ve had a resurgence of anxiety about my sexuality. Etc.

And again, my dad is extremely homophobic and literally made death threats to me and physically attacked me back when I accidentally came out to him in 2018 or 2019. And if he had gotten that email, I don’t even know what would have happened. I don’t think he would have like… SERIOUSLY physically harmed me, but there would definitely have been a repeat of the first incident. More throwing chairs at me and hitting and screaming and death threats. I don’t really want to think about it.

It just bothers me that she didn’t even consider that? Like did it not even cross her mind? And my dad is bad, but I’m sure there are people in the fandom who have even worse parents, and she could have got one of those people instead. It’s just so… I don’t know, it’s just so frustrating to me.

Anyway, I just hate her for what she did… Like maybe I shouldn’t, but I really do resent her so much, and I don’t think I could forgive her even if she apologised to us all (which I don’t think she even would because she doesn’t seem to have any decency whatsoever). The least she could do is at least express some kind of remorse, but she just genuinely doesn’t care, and that’s super messed up. All over some stupid Tumblr blog that is much less important than she thinks it is.

But anyway… I apologise for the whole rant, and if anybody read all the way down to here, I appreciate it. I do actually feel a bit better now that I’ve got this all typed out. And I’m sorry for the oversharing lol, I usually don’t do this, but I just felt like I really needed to tell people and get it off my chest so that I can try to get over it — L

submisssion⬆️⬆️⬆️

ok L i am trying to remain calm here because this isn’t about me.  but i am very emotional right now.  i am so so so infinitely sorry that you had to go through this harrowing and terrifying experience.  ttb (now blogging under spade-riddles) is absolutely disgusting, lower than dirt, that she would put your life, safety, and well-being at risk over a fucking kaylor blog.

please please please im me or get in touch somehow because i want to offer you support.  have you been financially impacted by this?  we can raise money.  do you need therapy?  we can help you find the support you need.  this community is unequivocally here for you.  whatever you need, if it’s in my power to help you get it, i will.  you have my solemn promise on that.

i am so deeply and desperately sorry that you have gone through this.  i was shaking while reading your story.

i am in touch with other people and we are in discussion about the best way to let tumblr know what happened.  this will be a safe space for you (and all of us) again if it’s the last thing i do.  this community is 100% here for you in any way we can help, sending you all the support and love we have.

[dickd0c]

STRIKE

CHAPTER NINETEEN — “day five, part two”

A while later, Nic found herself walking out of her room and down the hall. There wasn't much to do. She didn't want to text Lucas—she'd just met him and didn't want to come off clingy. Riot was gaming (loudly) in his room. Tank was still at the gym and probably would be for a while, and Athena was definitely still pity shopping.

So she wound up in front of the door to Alpha's room, asking herself why her heart was pounding so fast and her chest was growing so tight. She slowly pushed the door open a few inches, peeking in to see Alpha seated on his bed with his laptop a few feet away from him. He had a massive bowl of popcorn beside him. The lights were off and the curtains were drawn, so the only light illuminating his face was the flashing from his laptop. It had been hours since he'd popped into her room to annoy her, so she wondered how many movies he had watched in that time.

Nic pushed the door open a bit more, sidling in before quietly shutting it behind her. She walked over to the side of the bed, Alpha not even glancing over at her, and lifted the covers so she could sit with him underneath. As she lifted her knees on to the bed, she glanced up at him, noticing something different.

On top of his nose sat a pair of black-framed glasses that reflected the movie on his laptop. Nic had never seen Alpha with glasses before, but she had to admit, he truly pulled them off. Biting her lip, She slid under the covers, sitting up with her legs extended.

Wordlessly, Alpha wrapped his arm around her waist and tugged her towards him. Nic nearly fell over, surprised, but she steadied herself and found their bodies so close together their legs were touching. She was angled a little so that her back rested on the side of her chest, and she was nearly sitting on him. He then moved the laptop so it was balancing on top of both of them. Nic didn't fail to notice the arm that stayed around her waist.

It was odd sitting with him like that. He wasn't the most touchy guy in normal situations. He barely cuddled after sex, he didn't even tapped her shoulder if she was in his way. Nic's body stayed tense, feeling his arm get comfortable. He pulled her a little closer so that his hand could rest peacefully on her thigh, but that just forced Nic to resist the urge to squirm.

Nic forced herself to zero in on the movie playing on his laptop. It seemed like a comedy, which kinda surprised her. She figured that he would be the type to watch action or thrillers, but hey, everyone can use a good comedy every now and then. An actor on the screen cracked a joke, and next to her, Alpha let out a humored breath. Nic smiled to herself, feeling her body slowly relax against his.

Between scenes, the screen went black. Though it was dark in the room, it was still light enough for her to be able to see their vague reflections. She looked at Alpha, watching him adjust the glasses resting on his nose. She really did like those glasses on him.

"Damon," Nic said suddenly, as if testing the name out on her tongue. It clearly startled him, though.

"Yeah?" he asked, his eyebrows furrowing behind those glasses.

"Nothing. Actually, how old are you?" Nic asked quietly, reaching for the popcorn.

Alpha quirked his eyebrows, as if caught off guard. Nic had to admit, it was a bit random. "Uhh, twenty-one."

"Oh. So you just graduated college, didn't you? Congratulations," she said with a smile, watching him nod and shrug. "What did you major in?"

Alpha gave her a weird look, like making normal conversation was new to him. "Nursing," he said, and Nic could feel his abdomen tense up against her back.

Nic's face brightened. "Oh, that's great! I have a friend who's doing nursing. She says it's really hard. Wow, so you've got your bachelor's?"

Alpha made that face again, looking steadfast at the flashing laptop screen. "Yeah... why are you questioning me, again?"

Nic huffed, turning her face away from him with a small scowl. "Because... I know Tank, Riot, and Athena's ages. I know what they're studying. I know their favorite colors too. But you? I didn't even know you wore glasses."

It was true. She knew a lot about those three. Tank was nineteen, like her, and an athletic training major. Riot was twenty and a communications major. Athena, twenty as well, was a compsci major. Nic learned all of that in one or two weeks, but she just found out the same information about Alpha after nearly two months.

"You didn't even know any of their real names until today," Alpha pointed out in a snarky voice, his abdominal muscles shifting against her back.

Nic rolled her eyes but stayed silent. Partly because he was right and that was awkward, and partly because she wasn't in the mood to get him angry.

Alpha sighed, long and loud, and Nic nearly turned around to tell him off for being unreasonably irritable when he spoke again.

"Green," he said in a quiet and raspy voice.

Nic smiled to herself. "Mine's purple," she said softly, leaning comfortably into his chest. His arm tightened around her and his thumb started rubbing circles on her thigh. A brief glance at Alpha told Nic that he was doing so absentmindedly.

"So..." Nic thought out loud, thinking of a question to ask him. She just wanted to keep him talking. "Are you going to be getting a job?"

Alpha cleared his throat, clearly unfamiliar with talking so much with someone he didn't already know well. "I'm going for my master's actually, so I won't have time for a full time job."

Nic didn't know jack shit about nursing. She had made up that friend she had mentioned.

"You really like nursing, huh?"

Alpha just shrugged, but Nic could see the small smile that he swallowed back.

Nic slowly let her head fall back to rest on Alpha's shoulder, feeling his body tense under her before it slowly relaxed. She watched the movie, smiling slightly as the actors cracked corny jokes and managed to get into sticky situations every ten minutes. Every once in a while, Alpha would chuckle lowly, making her let out a small laugh of her own. She hadn't heard Alpha laugh this much in...

Ever.

There were still so many questions she all of a sudden wanted to ask. There were so many things she didn't know about him, so many things she didn't even know about the others. Come to think of it, she'd never had a single conversation with any of them about their or her family life. Maybe a few brief ones, but the fact that Athena had homophobic parents was honestly the most she knew.

Nic looked down at the strong hand resting on her thigh, wondering what Alpha's family was like. A heavy pit in her stomach told her that it was probably a bad idea to ask.

A few minutes later, the movie came to a sappy end, where the short balding man finally kissed his stunning, sweet ex-wife. Alpha chuckled, a rumbling sound that made his chest vibrate against Nic's back as his fingers reached for the laptop and fiddled with it.

"What do you want to watch next?" he asked her, catching her by surprise.

"Um... something horror, maybe," she replied.

"Alright, try not to hold my hand too hard," he said, sounding amused as he scrolled for movies.

Nic rolled her eyes. "I don't scare that easily," she proclaimed, and Alpha's hand tightened around her thigh.

"We'll see..." he mused, clicking on a movie and letting it play. He then moved the lap top between his legs. His hands shifted to Nic's hips, catching her by surprise when they lifted her and pulled her over with ease.

Nic landed between his spread legs, feelings arms wrap around her torso to pull her back tight against his flexed chest. Alpha's head dipped to the side of hers, mouth brushing against her ear as he whispered.

"If you get scared, I'll be holding you."

Nic's heart pounded against her chest, and she was sure that he could somehow hear it. She sat there, slightly dazed, trying to figure out if his words were supposed to be sexual or sweet.

The first scene played out on the screen, sharp blades slicing a woman's head clear off.

Stomach churning, Nic hoped it wasn't sexual.

As the movie progressed, Alpha's arms seemed to grow tighter around her. Nic wasn't sure if that was for her comfort or his, because every time something gory took place on screen, she'd flinch violently, but he'd gasp in shock.

"Oh, I don't think I'll be touching the popcorn," Nic nearly gagged when the killer cut open a man's abdomen and took an organ into his hands.

Alpha nodded, briefly moving an arm away from her to push the popcorn bowl away. He wrapped his arm back around her, resting his chin in the crook of her neck. He still hadn't shaved, so his light scruff scratched the sensitive skin on her neck. Nic tilted her head and rubbed her face against his ever so slightly, enjoying the feeling of his scruff against her cheek.

"What are you doing?" Alpha whispered, his hands moving to grab hold of her waist, fingers digging into her skin.

Nic froze, grateful for the dark room covering up her pink cheeks. She shifted her head away from him, feeling her embarrassment pool up in her tightening chest. She cleared her throat—"Sorry."

She couldn't see it, but Alpha frowned, looking confused. "No, I didn't mean it like that," he said, dipping his head back down to rest in her neck. He then winded as a body fell from forty stories up in the movie, flinching as it landed with a loud thud. "Shit..." he muttered into Nic's neck, burrowing nearly his entire face into it so that just his eyes could peek out and see what happened next.

Nic laugher lightly, moving her hands to rest on top of each of his and give them a light squeeze. "Look who's scared now," she teased, feeling his hands tighten their grip on her.

"I was just pretending to make you feel better," he responded arrogantly, and Nic could practically hear his smirk.

"You keep telling yourself that," she cooed, moving her hands back to rest in her lap.

Alpha didn't respond. He just pulled her tighter against him, if that was even possible. Nic grinned to herself despite the gory scenes before her eyes, catching herself sometimes flinching on purpose so that his fingers would rub circles on her skin.

She never thought he'd touch her like that. It was new, it was different. It was nice.

[thepoisonroom]

okay in reddie whos the an and whos the sb?

okay i had no idea this was even up for debate but i have opinions and here they are:

let’s say we’re working directly off of the definitions given in the original niche post, so:

a sweaterboy “is stable [and] settled. the sweaterboy lives within a familiar pattern, and is, in all likelihood, highly competent at what they do. but is the sweaterboy happy? fuck no, dude! [...] the sweaterboy thinks that this is what relationships — of any kind — should look like: giving and giving and giving, and never actually asking for what they want. Because that would be selfish. the sweaterboy would never want to burden anyone; the sweaterboy, deep down, fears very much that they are a burden”

an absolute nightmare “is someone who has entirely rejected the task of trying to conform to societal norms. they know they don’t fit in. they know they’re not like everybody else. and while they are outwardly bold and defiant and confident, they’re often very lonely. they internalize their issues; they may be mistaken for aloof and uncaring when, in fact, they have big feelings”

let’s discuss the book evidence. we have:

eddie “needed to be protected from his own dim intimations of possible bravery” kaspbrak. lives under his mom’s thumb for years and years because he’s been taught to fear what will happen if he steps out of line even a little! his internal fear of being different, which i would argue is heavily mapped to his sexuality, is externalized in his fear of disease and especially in his fear of sexually-transmitted infection. he tries being a regular straight dude with a wife and a nine to five that he excels at but he’s deeply unhappy with it! he’s replicating what he knows as normalcy (i.e. maladaptive relationship patterns from his childhood) in a desperate attempt to conform which is some CLASSIC sweaterboy bullshit. eddie isn’t your conventional sweaterboy because his definition of what the aspirational norm looks like is so deeply colored by his hypochondria, so as readers we still register him as abnormal, but in his own way he’s trying to live the lifestyle that was prescribed for him that he associates with his mother (fearful, straight, cautious). 

i think the thing that hammers this home the most for me is book Eddie’s relationship with surveillance and being watched. the book repeatedly makes the point that eddie’s personality and self-image are directly contingent on being watched, and who’s doing it. the text makes the argument that eddie when he’s being watched by his friends, or when he’s alone, is fundamentally different from eddie being watched by people who enact violent mechanisms of social control (e.g. bullies who beat him up for not conforming, or his mother who inflicts medicalized violence on him whenever he steps out of line). we get a pretty unambiguous statement of this in the flashback where eddie remembers his gym teacher having an argument with his mother:

“i have the results of eddie’s last physical on file […] it says that eddie is a little small for his age, but otherwise he’s absolutely normal […] he loves to play games, and he runs quite fast […] when there’s nobody around to remind him of how delicate he is”

basically, eddie lives with this constant awareness of how authority figures in his life want him to be, and he conforms when they’re watching him, for the most part. this is how he can be totally capable of the same physical activities as other children and still buy into his mother’s insistence that he’s delicate and constantly ill; he has internalized that surveillance until it’s unconscious/second nature to replicate the behavior that’s expected of him. we also see this focus on surveillance when eddie talks about how he loves bill because he never calls him homophobic slurs, the implication being that other boys their age do. with his friends, eddie can let go of that internal voyeur that watches and polices his actions to make sure that he’s not behaving in a way that might invite unwanted negative attention. you actually see little flashes of this in the scene where ben meets eddie and bill and eddie has a bloody nose from talking back to some bullies! eddie by himself or with his friends is a brave little motherfucker in a world that’s determined to make him afraid (of himself, of the consequences of abnormality, of his sexuality)! i love him so much! but anyway!

basically, eddie spends his entire childhood and most of his adult life trying to bend himself into a shape that’s as small and unassuming and inoffensive as possible. he associates any deviation from the norm with sickness and lives in fear of what it would mean to be different in any way. stephen king literally doesn’t deserve rights but his scene of eddie cataloguing and packing the contents of his medicine cabinet after mike calls him? that’s a goddamned fucking portrait of the iron fist with which many deeply closeted gays try to control their lives. i’m not a hypochondriac but the worst years for my ocd happened when i was trying my hardest to avoid coming out to myself. the mechanism of control varies, but it all comes down to a desperate conviction that something unspeakably terrible will happen if you don’t enact all these horribly specific rituals to protect yourself. eddie’s mechanisms are pills and his inhaler and his marriage and i’m literally going to stop bleeding myself dry writing this oh my god i projected a little too hard there sorry.

anyway: richie “sometimes enchanting, often exhausting charm” tozier. gets beat up constantly because he canNOT stop himself from saying every fuckass thing that comes to his head! he’s whipsmart and observant as fuck and can’t keep it to himself and that gets him singled out by the bullies! i don’t have the exact quote but roll the clip of the part where it talks about richie’s face begging to be bent into new and interesting shapes by bullies ANYWAY. richie is someone who knows he doesn’t fit in and has given up on the task of pretending to! sometimes he’s charming and funny! sometimes he’s exhausting and weird as shit! but that’s absolute nightmarism babey!

the thing that really gets me about richie is that he’s subject to exactly the same normative surveillance as eddie and he canNOT keep himself from telling his audience to fuck off! we see flashes of this when richie hesitates before touching bill for fear that someone might see them and subject them to homophobic harassment. but he touches him anyway! yeah he looks surreptitiously but he touches him anyway! like richie is guided by feelings of deep love and devotion to his friends and he can’t help but express that and wow i’m getting emotional about richie too anyway!

richie as an adult is someone who is weird as shit for attention, but it’s a performance that deflects from his issues being emotionally vulnerable, which is classic AN. the movie got this so right with the part where richie admits he threw up after mike called him, and then tells the other losers he’s glad that they’re there together. like, everyone is shocked because this is a moment of deep vulnerability and sincerity from someone who’s performatively larger than life in order to keep people at a distance. the 2017 movie gives us this with richie deflecting the conversation about their fears by asking stan if the woman from the painting was hot, and again when he says that his biggest fear is clowns, a claim that is NOT borne out by what he sees inside niebolt. richie is, in short, someone who’s comfortable with attention but NOT with scrutiny; he isn’t ready to be seen with all of his vulnerabilities on display, so he puts on a show for people to look at instead. that’s the core of absolute nightmarism. it’s a committed performance of weirdness that’s intended to telegraph invulnerability, but a tightly controlled one that’s meant to ensure that people only look where you want them to. it’s a magic act that shows you something shiny so you won’t glance at where the soft spots are hidden. eddie wants you to look away because there’s nothing to see here, richie wants you to look but only at what he shows you.

i think the thing that cements it for me is the book content about richie’s nicknames for eddie. richie is SUPER demonstrative with eddie and is constantly calling him goofy nicknames and telling him he’s cute. but we get that great quote about how eddie hated being called eds, but sort of liked it too, because it was like a secret identity. that’s the core of the dynamic, imo. the absolute nightmare helps draw the sweaterboy out of their devotion to normalcy and emboldens them to be the version of themselves that they are without the outside pressures of authority and heteronormativity and whatever. the dynamic is book eddie wanting to be the person he is with his friends, the eds of it all, and it’s also book eddie fighting off a panic attack because he has to be brave when the losers need him, and it’s also movie eddie directly attacking pennywise because he’s been reminded of his own “dim intimations of possible bravery” like! i could go on but this is so fucking long anyway yes i think eddie is the SB and richie is the AN now roll the clip of the part where richie asks eddie if he knows what fucking is and eddie is like OF COURSE I DO and the text is like “he hoped he wasn’t blushing” like that’s the dynamic babe

[caemec]

All sexualities are valid - I need to tell you something

Hi guys ! How are you today ? I hope you’re all okay ! For once, I’m not here to speak about the fandom, but about something so much more private. I make it for a few reasons, even if I’m totally scared about it. To write down my story, because I feel like it is the moment for me to be completely transparent, and I am at a step where I need to say things. Secondly, because some of you are maybe in doubts too, no matter your age, and you deserve to know that you’re not alone. Finally, because I actually have to face difficult speeches, yet from nice and well-meaning people, but who don’t realize what they really say and how hurtful they can be. 

I am not heterosexual, but pansexual. I have absolutely no problem with that, I accept myself and I am proud of who I am, don’t worry. For those who didn’t know the term, the pansexuality is the attraction for people in general. The gender is not a border to feelings. I am not attracted by a man or a woman, I am attracted by the individual he/she is. The whole package, if you want. 

I always thought this way, since I am a teenager, when I really began to questioning myself. But I didn’t know yet about all those sexual orientations. Basically, for me, there were only heterosexuality, homosexuality and bisexuality. Like a lot of kids and adults, in short. In retrospect, four years after finishing my schooling, I wish I could have the information sooner, because now I live it like if a whole part of me had been hidden to myself, when I was in the right to receive a complete information. Not just the conventional one. I don’t know what they say or not to teenagers in your country, but in mine, things could be so much better. And yet, we are one of the precursors in the LGBTQ cause...

I lived during years with the feeling that I wasn’t in a case. Actually, in my daily life, I am for being outside the box, if you want to, even the society shouldn’t have the power to maintain you in something which is not you. But about that specific box, I needed it. I was lost, I tried to speak about my way of thinking to people, but no one understood what I was saying. So I just closed my mouth and pretended I was completely focused on boys, when I wasn’t. The worst of it, was that when I was seventeen, until maybe nineteen, I even start to believe in it. I was an heterosexual girl with really weird thoughts. Not the best way to be self-confident.

At this period, I had that friend, who is still a really good friend today, who once asked me to go with her to a party, to find a guy. Or a girl, she said when she saw how uncomfortable I was (it wasn’t even about that, but about the fact that people always need to see you interested by love stories, it’s socially appreciated, and if you have the misfortune to don’t care or not being comfortable at this moment, about that part of your life, you are seen as too shy, too weird, sexually indecisive). 

Guys, please, if one day you have doubts about one of your friend’s sexuality, don’t say that. Or at least, not like that. It was the first time someone asked me about my sexual orientation, I wasn’t ready at all, I couldn’t even be sure myself about who I was, who I liked. To hear that from someone else had been one of the most violent moments of my life. It seems nothing, but I was destroyed. I was practically sure I was heterosexual (a weird one), and I put all my efforts to make everyone believe in it. And then, with a single sentence, years of persuasion were suppressed. But not at my rhythm. If she asked me now, if she had waited, my answer would be so different than before. 

High school wasn’t a great period in my life, it was hell, honestly. That’s why, when I began the university, I was so excited to start from scratch. I studied to become a social worker, I am a graduate since one year, and I love my job so much. But the people with whom I had to study... Damn. Of course, it was not everyone, I met my closest friends during those three years, and so many other beautiful persons I am so glad to have in my life. But there was the sad majority of the students who were absolutely closed-minded (and yet, they are social workers now, I will never understand that).

I had to hear so many homophobic speeches, a lot about men, because, of course, women’s sexuality is resumed to nothing. When I defended the subject, I received a lot of “If you defend them, you have to be a lesbian”. For the first time, I had to face a really aggressive homophobia. I let rumours exist, I was proud to let them think that maybe, when I kissed them on the cheek to say hello, I could have something else in my mind. It was my way to provoke them, and also to say f*ck to a whole mentality. 

This year, I started a master, in a new school, known to be open-minded, to defend a lot of people. I was in a universe where having an interesting love/sex life to tell is the basis of every friendship. A universe where people are completely open to the LGBTQ community, but still talk to you like if you were automatically heterosexual. I don’t say you need to have doubts about everyone, because that behaviour could also hurt a lot, I really can imagine how hard it can be for heterosexuals who are seen as gay, just because they don’t act enough like the social image of the heterosexuality. But just, don’t presume anything, let people inform you about themselves when they are ready. 

This year, for the first time, I have also discovered the word “pansexuality”. Now I am ashamed I didn’t search for information sooner, because I waited 21 years for that, 21 years to lie to myself. I think I was afraid of what I could read. There is a moment for everything, mine was there. At the moment I read the definition, I thought “It is me. Damn of shit, it is me. I think like that, I am like that. There are other people like me.” I thought I was alone, weird, but I wasn’t. It was only a few seconds, but things completely changed at this moment. I was, like, in shock, but also happy, and terrorized. I past my evening to think about it, to read everything I could to be sure I wasn’t wrong, that I didn’t pretend I was pansexual when I wasn’t, I was afraid to be in doubt again, to use a word and a reality which wasn’t mine. It was really hard, honestly. 

I needed to tell it to someone, immediately. I couldn’t keep it for myself, I had to explode, to make it real. I did my first coming out the same day, to two close friends that I saw like those “I don’t care and I don’t judge you, I love you for who you are” persons. One of them is also concerned, so it was even easier, and I wish to everyone friends like them, they had the most amazing reaction. They helped me to be sure that I found my box. 

If some of you are not heterosexual and already made a coming out, did you also wanted to tell it to the entire world ? I was like that. But I had to contain myself because I wasn’t totally ready yet. I mean, the first time I told it, it was only by messages. A few days later, I told it to another close friend, but by vocal messages. Hard, really, really hard. I couldn’t stop crying. The fourth one, only by messages too. I was maybe too quick, but I needed to tell it to a few persons of trust. I needed to make it real.                                                       

At the same time, I started to accept myself and my attraction for everyone, it was really fast. Without knowing it, I was already okay with my way of thinking, the only thing I needed was to put a word on it and understand I wasn’t alone, that a whole community was there. It relaxed me so much. I wish you to find your words too, because it feels so good, you discover yourself, and you are in the right to be proud of you, no matter what people and society say.

For the fifth and sixth persons, I was able to tell it in face-to-face, and it was easier to say. There are six friends who know it right now. They react perfectly, they support me, even if five of them didn’t know what pansexuality means. They accepted it, they asked questions, but not to challenge me, just to understand. 

If only everyone could react like that. If you are not concerned with a subject, it doesn’t mean it is not a reality for other people. Please, please, understand that. Because at the same time, after I discovered about my sexual orientation, I had to face to new homophobic speeches, but this time, from my own friends. And this is now that I really need to tell you serious things. Because maybe that some people around you, or even you, had tell homophobic sentences, without even want it and realize it. There are people who defend the LGBTQ community, but at the same time, have hostile discourses, when they think they do it well. It is not a judgment, it is a personal observation, I wish you will never have to make it too. 

This year, I met some great mates at the university, I still talk to them today, we frequently go out together. During a party, we were speaking, and I don’t remember how, we began to speak about sexual orientations (no one there knew about me). I explained there wasn’t only the three “big sexualities” that we know, but so many others too. I maybe made the mistake to say, for example, the pansexuality. They didn’t know what it was, so I tried to define it. Reactions? “Okay, so they like no one”,”They just like to rub against a tree” and “It is a really weird philosophy”.

I couldn’t say more, because I was about to cry, but I wish I could. I wish I could tell them that first, it is not a philosophy, it is not a choice. Secondly, society is so accustomed to think into the gender barrier, but maybe some people suffer about that (in their sexuality or individuality). Those friends go every year to the Gay Pride, they could fight if they heard a hate speech about a lesbian/gay couple. But at the same time, they had a homophobic reaction. To defend the LGBTQ community doesn’t only mean defending a homosexual couple. It means protecting everyone (including heterosexuals, sometimes I feel like we forget them and we can have rude words about them and all those “facilities” we presume they have, without knowing their life). 

Speaking about the pansexuality without telling I am concerned, let me know what people really think about it. They don’t have to tell me something wrong because they don’t want to hurt me. It helped me to understand that I have to be careful, at least until I am completely okay with myself. It is why I tried to speak about it with two other friends, important to me. But it was easier to try with the bisexuality, because now the majority of people know what it is. I had to face to new homophobic speeches. Even against the bisexuality, too “indecisive and abnormal”. Homosexuality is good, but bisexuality is strange. Okay so.

We come back to the same problem. Those friends don’t defend the LGBTQ cause, they defend homosexual people, because others did it before and let them grow in a society where this specific sexual orientation is already known and quite protected (even if we could do so much better, of course). But when it is their turn to make it for others, who also need to be protected and listened, when they have to start a peaceful fight with them, they screw up. They reproduce a behaviour they condemn. 

But people from the LGBTQ community itself can sometimes also be hard with other sexual orientations. One of my best friends is gay. He announced it to me a few months before I discover about myself. He is also really rude about the bisexuality, the asexuality and the transidentity. I wish I could count on his help right now, because I really would need him to prepare my coming out to my mother (I know she will be totally okay with it by the way, she will cry of joy, will read during days about the pansexuality, but yes, it is still the hardest thing to say to her). The day I will have the courage to tell it to that friend, I want to ask him why he is so trash with those realities, when he knows better than anyone how much it is hard to accept yourself and how much the society can hurt you about that. 

I mean, all sexualities are valid, every feeling is valid, every story is valid, everyone is valid. I still have a lot of work to do about myself, I have to learn to protect myself, but I wanted to tell you those things. It is the first time I write about it, it is hard, I will not deny it. Maybe no one will read it, but if one day you arrive until the end, I hope you understood how important you are, you have so much value for the world. If one day someone tells you something violent, about any subject, remember that you are valid. Just that. There will always be people to think you are. Starting with yourself. Be proud, please. And don’t condemn too quickly things which could seem strange for you, because sometimes, a single word can break a whole person.