#and answering you 6-20 emails a day for another

[thefaultinoursprinkles]

bitch you have 300 hours, I’ve been working basically constantly on your fucking project, and you’re gonna complain that you’ve used 50/300 hours??? and not only that but I’ve actually done literally 128 hours of work on your project but 78 were pro bono??? You can fuck right off.

[kittkatattacks]

Wip Wednesday 7/31/24

These are hella late but here are my sentences for 7/31 :)

Perfect season 20-22 for:

@happinessisntfun @owlbearwrites @1attheedge @eriquin

“I need you to get some information to the little lord.”

“Ah, I see. And what exactly would I be telling him?”

“Riko is getting out of control. He sent some of the freshman Ravens over to Palmetto to kill one of our players.”

“Are you absolutely sure?”

“Yes. the player who was attacked saw who it was and I’m sure there’s a paper trail that leads back to the side branch if not to Riko himself.”

“Alright, I’ll check it out and relay your message. Is there anything else?”

“Thank you, and no, there’s nothing else right now.”

“Very well then, I’ll let you go.”

“Bye,” Neil says, and hangs up the phone, handing it back to Andrew.

He pockets the phone, leans back on his elbows and stares out at the parking lot. Neil doesn’t feel like going back inside so he sits with Andrew and stares at him, admiring how the sun lights up his hair and makes his eyes glow gold.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

AFTG space au for:

@enigma-the-mysterious @scifikimmi @auburnlaughter @adhdavinci

Neil finishes signing his email, heart pounding in his ears and sends it off before he can think about it too much. He quickly closes his laptop and leans back in his chair, folding his arms behind his head and then takes a few calming breaths.

In, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8

Out, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16

In, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8

Out, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16

He does this until he feels his heart slow and gets up to get ready for the day. 

Neil barely makes it through his first class; the professor monotonically goes over the syllabus and then keeps them there for another half hour talking about himself and how he ended up in ‘such a fine establishment’. He resorts to alternating between drawing on the handout given to them at the start of class and stabbing himself in the thigh with a pen.

He meets up with Jean for a late lunch and they both talk about how their classes are going so far.

“I’m just saying, that class is shit. I don’t understand why we need to take it.” Neil says, referring to his undergraduate studies class.

“We have to take it because someone,” Jean replies, stabbing a piece of broccoli with his fork, and then pointing it at Neil, “wanted to explore Europe instead of going to college when we graduated.”

“Whatever,” Neil says, swatting the broccoli away. “It's not like I made you come with me.”

“True, but irrelevant. Besides, if you had gone on your own, who would have been there to take care of you after all of the times you got into fights and needed patching up.”

“I could have done it myself or gone to a clinic,” Neil says, already knowing he’s going to lose this argument.

“Bullshit. I’ve never met someone who hates hospitals more than you do. Also I’ve seen you try to patch yourself up, you’re pretty shit at it.”

“Alright, Alright,” Neil says, putting his hands up in surrender, “you win.”

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

YLPWBOYF for:

@somefishycat @wizisbored

Lola wastes no time getting into his space, knife in hand, crowding him even more into the car door. 

“So, Junior,” Lola says, like she’s gossiping with a friend, “I’ve just got to know, where’d Mary run off to?” She presses the tip of the knife into his cheek when he doesn’t immediately answer, just enough to draw a drop of blood. 

Nathaniel doesn’t flinch despite the pain he feels and replies, “Like I’d ever tell you that.”

“Maybe,” Lola says, “but I have a feeling you’ll tell me sooner or later.”

Nathaniel wants to question how she plans to do that, but keeps his smart mouth shut, his mind already coming up with multiple ways that she could.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

DMRA for:

@zyrafowe-sny @whimsicalmeerkat @aparticularbandit @post-and-out

Aaron can tell he’s struck a nerve, the bulging veins on either side of Hill’s forehead giving away just how much he has. 

Halsey steps between them, redirecting Hill’s attention to him and Aaron takes the chance to give Kevin a once over.

Aaron hadn’t thought much of him when he first walked in, having been more focused on Hill. However, now that he’s really looking, he notices how muscular Kevin’s arms are, his jade-green eyes and how he towers over most of the people in the room, including himself.

Aaron turns his attention back to Hill and Halsey, “I look forward to seeing you in class,” Hill says, but Aaron can tell he is still pissed from earlier despite the smile he wears.

He glares at Hill until he’s gone and turns his attention back to Halsey who checks his watch, “I’ve got to go, there’s a call I need to make. Kevin, could you please show Mr.Minyard the Emergency room.”

“Of course, I was on my way over there anyway,” Kevin says.

Aaron gives Kevin his full attention now that Halsey is gone, “You sure know what to say to impress important people huh?”

“I assume you mean Hill.”

Yeah, he’s a pain in the ass but he’s got a lot of influence here. Let me guess, you’re taking Dr.Hill’s class?”

“Yep.”

“Well, if I were you, I’d tone down the animosity. Getting an F in his class is like a bad review from the New York Times; it’ll ruin your career before it even begins.”

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

[hide-in-imagination]

“Roads That Cross… with a Phone Call” (Part 2)

You can read the previous chapters here: (1),(2), (3), (4), (5), (6), (7), (8), (9), (10), (11), (12), (13), (14), (15), (16), (17), (18), (19), (20), (21), (22), (23), (24), (25), (26), (27), (28), (29), (30), (31)

----------------------------------------------------

Ámbar had to give her thanks to Simón— The extra sleep really made her feel better throughout the day.

She also had to tease him for inciting her to break the rules. Who was he and what had he done with her boyfriend? ‘If we don’t tell Vidia, they won’t know you skipped work.’ Oh, he was a bad influence. (And she loved it.)

Of course the only times he chose to be even a little incorrect were when it was for someone else’s sake, she thought with exasperated fondness— First with that music video they filmed at the Roller behind everyone’s backs and now with her. Ámbar shook her head with a smile. He was incorrigible, her boyfriend.

Ámbar sent him a text to have lunch together (actually eat food) and Simón didn’t reply. Maybe he was busy.

She sent some memes throughout the afternoon, then another text asking if he could start helping her with the decorations that evening once he got to the mansion. He didn’t answer that one either.

That was odd. Her messages didn’t even appear as ‘read’— Was the Roller really that busy? Well, it had rained for a couple of hours, that always brought in an influx of people. She found solace in the fact that if it was really bad, one of the guys would’ve called her over, and they didn’t, so it had to be manageable.

Still, Ámbar figured that, with all that work, it would be unfair to ask him to do even more, so around 6pm, she put all the half-made decorations she was working on in a cardboard box and carried them up to her room. Simón could help her some other day. Or maybe Mónica could help her? She had already offered her help the other day, and Ámbar only said no to be polite, but if they were both at the house and she wanted to do it, why not?

Ámbar left the box on her little center table and went to wash her hands. Once she walked out of her en-suite bathroom, she grabbed her laptop and brought it to her bed. She allowed herself fifteen minutes of mindless scrolling through social media, as a treat, before getting to the emails she had to reply to.

That was what she was doing when she heard her bedroom door open.

“Oh, hi, my love,” Ámbar greeted quickly. She brought her gaze back to the screen. “Give me one second, I gotta send this document… Okay, done.”

She put her laptop aside and got up to greet her boyfriend the correct way. “Hi, welcome back.”

Ámbar went for a kiss, but Simón moved his head to the side, dodging the contact. Her hands, too, which had risen to cup his neck, grasped nothing but air as he took a step back, putting space between them.

Immediately, a pang of worry ran Ámbar through.

“Is something wrong?”

Simón wasn’t looking at her. His face was turned away from her and there was tension in the lines of his body, though nothing that indicated a particular emotion.

His voice, when it came, was deceptively level.

“I talked to Emilia today.”

Ámbar felt too much in the span of an instant.

The Earth cracked open, time stopped, her heart stopped. All in one second.  

Time didn’t even grant her the mercy of actually stopping so she could process it all— It kept going, relentlessly, viciously, hand in hand with Simón, who was still talking.

“I didn’t think it was fair that she was harassing you when you haven’t done anything to her, so I went to tell her that what she was doing was wrong,” he said, “but she showed me her phone’s call history and, turns out, your name what nowhere to be found, Ámbar.” Finally, his eyes turned in her direction. “Could you explain that to me?” 

Dry. Her mouth was dry. She felt incredibly cold, yet almost feverish at the same time. Her thoughts were a mess, a muddled cacophony of different iterations of— why, why, why, wHy, wHY, why, WHY, this wasn’t supposed to happen.

“Why did you talk to Emilia? I told you it wasn’t necessary,” she said calmly.

“Not necessary because she didn’t call you,” Simón said. “Right?” Now his voice took a harder edge. “Ámbar, why did you lie to me? Please explain it to me because I don’t understand. Do you have any idea how humiliating it was for me to be standing in front of Emilia, defending you, only to find out the call wasn’t even real?” He complained. “I looked like a complete moron, Ámbar.”

“I didn’t ask you to defend me.” The cold was gone now. Fire was taking over. Anger. “In fact, I specifically told you to stay out of it, that I would deal with it myself.”

“Right,” Simón huffed. “You wanted me to stay out of it so I wouldn’t find out the truth, didn’t you?”

“No.” It surprised even her how easily it came out, how certain. “Emilia could’ve deleted her phone’s call history, it’s not hard.”

“Ámbar.” He didn’t say it but his voice had the intonation of ‘cut the crap.’ “Why would she do that?”

“To mess with me,” she said as if it were evident. “To mess with both of us— To make us fight.”

“And how would she know I was going to look at her phone?” Simón questioned with logic. “Why would she even delete it? Emilia has done much worse things than calling you. Plus— you hung up that call the very second you saw me come in,” he pointed out. “You were visibly nervous when I asked you who you were talking to. Are you going to tell me all of that is just coincidence?”

Ámbar’s heart was speeding at 80 miles per hour. She had to lie. She had to maintain this narrative or everything would come crashing down. Simón couldn’t find out who she was talking to. But how was she even going to convince him? Simón wasn’t stupid. And she couldn’t keep lying to him forever. She didn’t want to keep lying to him forever.

I have to lie.

I can’t.

There were two big forces inside of her and neither of them could win.

Her silence gave Simón all the answers that he needed.

“Why did you lie to me?” He asked her again. “Who were you really talking to on the phone?”

This is all your fault.

“Why do you need to know?” Ámbar challenged, her words sharp as knives. “Are you controlling me now? Are you gonna keep watch on my every move? Who I speak to, where I go to? You wanna check my phone as well?”

Simón scrunched up his face. “This isnot about that!”

“It is precisely about that!” She raged. “I told you not to meddle and you went and did it anyway!”

This is all your fault. Everything was fine. Everything was great. If you had just listened to me. Everything was under control. Why didn’t you   listen   to    me  ?!   

“Because I thought you didn’t want me to as to not trouble me! But no. It wasn’t because of that,” Simón said with irony. “You didn’t want me to talk to Emilia because it was a lie that she called you. Can you stop trying to twist things already and just tell me why you lied?” He demanded.

Ámbar snapped.   

“Maybe because I knew you’re an exasperating busybody who wouldn’t stop pestering me until I gave you a name! But I didn’t want to tell you who I was talking to, Simón, as simple as that: I. didn’t. want to. And you wanna know why?” She spat with venom. “Because I don’t have to tell you everything I do, Simón! Not everything is your business!” 

Hurt flashed through Simón’s eyes, and he almost recoiled.

Ámbar felt a cut even though she’d been the one to wield the knife.

The sting awakened her.

Wait.

Her hands were covered in blood.

No. 

Simón’s face closed up, all the way to a constructed expression of impassiveness. It was cold and firm like an iron wall. It looked wrong. That kind of face didn’t belong in him. Simón was supposed to smile and dream big, or burn in rightful anger when a wrongdoing had occurred. He was supposed to be bravely vulnerable, not toughen up to hide his feelings. This wasn’t him.

What have I done to you?

Simón nodded slowly to himself. “Okay.” His voice was low but final. “You don’t want to tell me? Don’t tell me. You have that right,” he said. “But don’t lie to me, Ámbar.” 

Every cell in her body had lost the will to fight. She felt like just an empty carcass, a sack of flesh and bone and self-loathing.  

Her head nodded weakly. “I’m sorry,” she muttered. She should’ve said it with more strength, but it came out shaky as she was suddenly overcome with guilt, and fear. She looked down. “You’re right. You’re completely right. I’m sorry.”

She couldn’t look him in the eye. She’d ruined everything. She’d hurt him. How could she fix this? Could she fix this?

Before she could find more to say, Simón’s feet stepped out of her vision. Ámbar whipped her head up. He was walking to the door.

Her fear kicked into panic.

“Simón—"

“I’m going to my room,” he said flatly.

The door opened and she ran to him. “Nonono, wait, please, let’s talk about this, seriously—”

“See you tomorrow, Ámbar,” he said without turning. 

The door closed behind Simón’s back.

Ámbar took in a shuddering breath, loud in the silence that followed. Her mind was reeling. Her body was shaking.

What the fuck did I just do?

Her gaze clouded over and the tears burned on their way down, and Ámbar fought them, because she didn’t feel she had the right to cry.

This is all your fault.

Yes.

It was all her fault.  

*****************

Simón turned on the light of the guest room and just stood there for a moment, looking at all the free space, the furniture too perfectly intact as if it’d never been used, making the room feel sterile and too quiet.

He kicked off his shoes and went to lay on the bed, the one that didn’t even feel ‘his’, that never had, and tried to forget about the few times he’d used it, the reason why it felt so deeply wrong to be on it alone.

His eyes burned but he pushed the tears back. He was not going to cry. Ámbar was the one who lied, not him— Why did he have to feel miserable?

‘Maybe because I knew you’re an exasperating busybody who wouldn’t stop pestering me until I gave you a name!’

‘Not everything is your business!’

Simón sat up, as if with the movement he could push the memory away. He felt like he’d been kicked in the ribs. He never would’ve imagined Ámbar would respond to him like that.

And it hurt, so much so that his throat closed up, because he’d only meant to help— He had good intentions.

But it didn’t matter because it had all gone to hell. Not only there was nothing to defend Ámbar from (and she was right, she never asked him to, why did he do it?) but also his stupid good intentions had gotten Ámbar completely fed up with him, and judging by how she called him a busybody, it wasn’t the first time.

Now he couldn’t help but look back on all their history and see things in a new, darker light. He remembered all those times last year when he kept asking her if she was okay, if she wanted to talk, insisting even after she told him she was fine because he wanted to help her. Had she thought he was annoying even back then? How long had this been coming from?

Don’t focus on that, his brain protested with indignation. She was the one who lied— She is in the wrong here.

But I was wrong too, I had no right to meddle in her affairs like that, she’s right to be mad at me.

No, she’s not, his own anger countered. You wouldn’t have learned the truth if you hadn’t done that.

But does that justify me?

‘Not everything is your business!’

Simón ran a hand through his hair, hard. What should he have done then? If he hadn’t talked to Emilia, he never would’ve found out the truth, but for doing that, he was a busybody— There was no way to win. Either case was bad.

Should he not have asked Ámbar who she was talking to in the first place? When she said it was nothing important, should he had just left it at that? Was it really nosy on his part to probe further?

No. Hard as he tried, he couldn’t not find it suspicious that Ámbar hung up the instant she heard him come in, without even a goodbye. That wasn’t normal. She was hiding something, and her lying about it was only proof of that.

But he already knew she was hiding things, didn’t he? She told him. Ámbar told him there were things she couldn’t say but that she’d tell him eventually, and he agreed to wait.

But he never agreed to her lying to him. He thought at least they were being honest with each other, but apparently not. Hell—Was it even true that she would tell him eventually? Or was that just another lie?

He just couldn’t understand why she couldn’t just tell him. Especially since, apparently, there was someone else who she was talking to about it. How could it be possible that she couldn’t tell him yet but she could talk about it with some other person? That didn’t sound like the deep emotional issues Simón thought she wasn’t ready to share— It sounded like a two-way secret, and what two-way secret could she have that she wouldn’t want him to know about?

Maybe she’s cheating on me.

Simón shut his eyes tight and rubbed his face. He didn’t want to be thinking these things. He couldn’t believe he was thinking these things— It was ridiculous. He trusted Ámbar. She couldn’t have done something bad because she had changed. She didn’t do those things anymore.

But he also thought she wouldn’t lie to him again, and he was wrong.

Simón laid down on his side, staring at the wall. He had wanted so much for this to just be a mistake somehow, for there to be some magical explanation that, while wouldn’t justify lying to him, could at least help him understand and sympathize, and if Ámbar had just apologized, he would’ve forgiven her.

But not only she didn’t apologize, he also still didn’t know who she’d been talking to on the phone, and now he felt bad for wanting to know.

He didn’t think he was being a busybody, but what if he was? Simón never kept any secrets from his friends, and they told him everything too, that was the way of things he was used to, but maybe it was wrong to expect everyone to be like that. People had different views on things. Maybe it was healthy in a relationship for each of them to keep some things only for themselves and he wasn’t getting the memo. Admittedly he had never been in a serious relationship like this before, maybe he had a different idea of how they were supposed to work.

But he didn’t want there to be any secrets. He wanted to be able to share everything with Ámbar, and he wanted her to feel like she could share everything with him too. It wasn’t out of being nosy or clingy, he just… wanted to feel that closeness. He wanted to feel like she trusted him, cared for him, that he was important to her.

But did she need to tell him everything for him to feel that? Maybe he did have a problem. Maybe he’d gotten too presumptuous, so high on this sense of superiority, believing no one else knew Ámbar like he did, that only he knew the real her, that he couldn’t phantom her not wanting to tell him something or talking about it to somebody else.

Did he know Ámbar better than anyone else? And if he did, shouldn’t he just be grateful of the trust she’d already placed on him instead of assuming he was entitled to more?

Simón didn’t feel like he was asking for too much though. He felt like he was asking for the bare minimum and getting a door slammed on his face. Over and over. And he couldn’t keep doing this forever.

Simón closed his eyes and willed himself to sleep. He didn’t even want to have dinner— He just wanted this day to be over.

********************

Ámbar had a whole night to think, and she came to the conclusion that she was remarkably stupid.

The moment Simón found out about the lie yesterday, she should’ve grovelled at his feet, begged him to forgive her, promise to do everything in her power to make up for it, because she loved him, she didn’t want to lose him.

But what did she do? Turn all the blame on him and attack him. It made no sense— What was wrong with her? Now he would definitely want to leave her.

Maybe he should.

Ámbar didn’t even want to get out of bed the next morning but she did. She got dressed, put on some makeup to not look as destroyed as she felt, and went down to the dining room even earlier than she usually did, all with the hope of getting to talk to Simón.

She had done something similar last night too. She had erased the evidence of her crying, put on a brave face as if nothing was wrong, and gone down to the dining room in hopes of catching Simón after dinner. It was the last thing she had wanted to do, to be honest— Be around people when all she truly wanted was to lock herself up in her room and cry. But the urge to apologize to Simón as soon as possible was stronger, so she went.

But Simón hadn’t come down for dinner. So Ámbar had to sit there, with the empty chair next to her, and answer to everyone why Simón was absent, because of course they asked her.

Because I treated him like shit, that’s why.  

She just said that he was tired and had a bit of a headache, so he had preferred to sleep it off. She hoped he didn’t mind she had lied for him, but gotten to that point, it didn’t matter— He was already mad at her.

If anyone noticed that her eyes looked more watery than usual, they didn’t comment on it.

So here she was again now, sitting at the dinner table, lying in wait with an untouched cup of tea between her hands.

It was a good thing Simón hadn’t shown up last night, she realized later. It had been impulsive on her part to want to speak to him immediately when she hadn’t even thought about what she was going to say. She’d only been thinking about alleviating her own guilt for the awful things she said to him, but the truth was, that wasn’t even the main issue.

‘Why did you lie to me?’  

Ámbar spent a long portion of the night thinking about what to do. The obvious answer was to just tell Simón the truth, the whole truth, once and for all, and just put a stop to all the lying and secrecy. But if she did that, not only would Sharon never forgive her, she didn’t know how the rest of the family would react, and she feared she would lose Simón forever.

She believed the family would forgive her. They were good to a fault after all— If they forgave Rey once, they could do the same with her. But could she really live with being the reason her godmother went to prison? Why did that decision had to fall on her hands? Why did she have to choose between the woman who raised her and the family who accepted her? It wasn’t fair. 

And even if she did the right thing— Because she knew it was the right thing to give Sharon away, to let her pay for her crimes— her only prize would be to disappoint the one person who believed in her when no one else did, who defender her against everyone, who loved her even with her heinous past, and who she loved more than anything.

Ámbar wasn’t ready for that. God forgive her but she couldn’t do that.

So… she could either give a half-truth or stay silent. If Simón didn’t insist on knowing who she’d been speaking to on the phone— Which was unlikely— Ámbar could just not volunteer any information and let the topic die. If he did want to know… She could say it was Sharon, but that it was the first time she had contacted her since they came back to Buenos Aires. Ámbar had been nervous> she panicked> and that was why she lied. It wasn’t that far from the truth.

It could even help her test the waters, maybe. She could see how he reacted to it, speak a bit about Sharon and how Ámbar still worried about her even after all the awful things she’d done. At the very least, it’d make it less of a surprise when she eventually revealed everything to him.

All of this depended on whether Simón would even want to talk to her though.

Ámbar came down to the dining room earlier than usual precisely to make sure Simón couldn’t avoid her by having breakfast before her, but there was no guarantee that he wouldn’t just take one look at her and walk away either way. Ámbar didn’t even know if she should follow him in that case or just let him be. A voice in her head said that if he wanted to avoid her, she should allow him to— Give him space, give him time— but she hadn’t even gotten the chance to give him a real apology yet, and without that, she feared he wouldn’t have any reason to want to talk to her, even if she gave him all the time and space in the world.

The sound of footsteps made Ámbar whip up her head, sit straighter, instantly at attention, but she recovered her breath when she saw it was just Luna, dressed in her Blake uniform.

“Oh, hi, Ámbar. Good morning,” Luna greeted her as she took a seat at the table, looking a bit surprised to see her. “You’re here so early, I thought you and Simón usually had breakfast a little later.”

The reminder hurt. Ámbar put on a fake smile to hide it. “I could tell you the same thing. Aren’t you always late to everything?”

Luna had been pouring herself a glass of juice and paused at that. Ámbar realized she might have spoken a little harsher than she should’ve and felt a little bad about it. Luna didn’t know what she was going through. “Um, I didn’t mean that as a jab,” she said more softly, “it’s just, you do seem to always be running from one place to another.”

“Nono, you’re right, I do have that tendency,” Luna said with an embarrassed little laugh. She placed the jug back on the center of the table and started filling her plate with medialunas and fruit. “But today I have my final History exam first thing in the morning and I can not be late for that, and I haven’t been doing so great with all those historical facts and things, so the nerves didn’t let me sleep much either… Anyway—" She cut herself off, realizing she was rambling.  “Nina also offered to help me revise the materials before class, so here I am.”

“I hope you do well,” Ámbar told her. Things should go well for someone, at least.

“Thank you.” Luna glanced around. “And Simón? Why didn’t he come down with you? I thought you two always had breakfast together.”

Ámbar wished she would stop asking. “I didn’t want to wake him in case his head still hurt,” she made up an excuse. “But, who knows? Maybe he’ll show up any minute now with a voracious hunger after skipping dinner yesterday.”

Luna laughed. “He’ll probably want to eat a whole cow.”

Mónica walked into the dining room then. “Luna, less chat and more eating or you’re going to make Nina wait for you,” she chided her daughter gently, at which Luna started shoving food into her mouth. Mónica turned to Ámbar with a smile. “Good morning, Ámbar. How are you?”

Awful. “Just fine, Mónica, thank you.”

“You’re not going to eat anything?” The woman asked her with wrinkled brows, looking at her empty plate.

Ámbar’s eyes widened slightly. “Oh, yeah, obviously,” she said and reached for a random pastry to put on her plate. She did not, in fact, plan on eating anything— Her stomach was in complete knots, the cup of tea was more to warm up her hands than anything else, but she couldn’t say that. “I just got a little distracted talking to Luna.”

Mónica smiled and looked at them with a proud gaze. “I’m very happy you two can talk nicely to each other now,” she said, “but don’t forget to eat. You two are still growing and your body needs the nutrients.”

“Yes, mom,” Luna replied automatically.

Ámbar doubted she would grow more, but it was a nice sentiment, so she didn’t contradict Mónica.

The woman left after that, and about ten minutes and a bit of conversation about the preparations for the Roller Jam later, Luna got up too.

“It really is nice of you to be making a party inspired by México,” she told Ámbar before leaving, her voice and eyes earnest. “I’m sure Simón already told you, but we’re both very happy, so thank you.”

It took all of Ámbar not to break down right there. She swallowed. “No problem.”   

Luna walked away and Ámbar was once more by herself in the dining room. That exam must’ve really been worrying her, Ámbar thought, or maybe she just had Luna’s absent-minded nature to thank, because she didn’t notice how Ámbar didn’t even touch the food in front of her.  

It was hard to determine how much time passed after that, but eventually, she heard footsteps nearing again, and voices too. Ámbar’s heart started racing when she recognized them. It wasn't long before Matteo, Pedro, and Simón entered the dining room together.

“Good morning, Ámbar,” Pedro and Matteo greeted her casually as they went to take a seat at the table, across from her.

“Good morning,” Ámbar said to all three, but her timid eyes stayed on Simón, had flown to him the moment he walked in, and now she watched him, gauging his reaction and just how bad things were.

Simón wore an unreadable expression, not hostile, but not open either. His gaze had also fallen upon her as he walked in, but he lowered it now, keeping it that way as he went to take a seat too.

“Morning,” he murmured.

Good, at least he’s not ignoring me, Ámbar thought with some relief, but the feeling sunk into her stomach fairly quickly because Simón didn’t sit next to her as he always did. He sat next to Matteo, as far from her as he could be without separating from his friends, and poured himself some juice without meeting anyone’s eyes.

This did not go unnoticed. Ámbar could feel the stares of Pedro and Matteo instantly on her, surely wondering what was going on, but she wasn’t about to discuss the matter with them present. Matteo opened his mouth as if to ask but Ámbar pleaded with her eyes for him not to. Thankfully, he obeyed.

Everyone started having breakfast and the tension was palpable. Pedro, bless his soul, made casual conversation, asking Matteo about his university classes, and everything flowed easier from there. Simón even participated too, acting almost normal, but his smiles were few and far between, dimmed, and never directed at her.

Ámbar cursed her bad luck of not being able to talk to him in private. She’d been hoping that, since the guys didn’t know Simón was in his guest room (because he never was), they might come down without him, but of course she should’ve known Simón would hear them and tag along.

She tried making a comment now and then in the conversation, but while Simón didn’t ignore her presence, he was visibly withdrawn and unenthused about talking to her. Ámbar started eating just to have something to do other than sit there feeling uncomfortable. The pastry she had picked up earlier might as well have been sand in her mouth. Her tea had long since gone cold, so she poured herself juice instead to pass it down. If anyone found it weird, they minded their own business, just as with the incredibly obvious elephant in the room.

At one point, Simón reached for a toast at the same time that she did, just like it had happened a month ago, but instead of the playful banter they had back then, now they had a brief and polite exchange in which both of them told the other to help themselves first, Simón insisted she took her pick, and then each of them grabbed a toast, and that was that.  

Everything was too formal and tense and Ámbar hated it.

You’ve got no one to blame but yourself.

“Well, we gotta get going, right?” Pedro spoke soon after, breaking the silence as he got up from his seat. He looked at Matteo.

“Right,” Matteo said, and stood after him. “See you later, Ámbar.”

��See you,” Ámbar muttered, distracted by the realization that they were leaving, which meant—

“Wait up,” Simón called out to them, and downed the rest of his juice in one go. He got up from his chair and followed the guys.

Ámbar jumped to her feet. “Simón!”

Simón stopped, and after a moment, turned around to look at her. Ámbar’s heart sped up. She had called out on impulse— She didn’t know what to say.

“Um…” He clearly didn’t want to stay, so Ámbar couldn’t ask him that. She also couldn’t get into everything that had happened in just a few seconds, and since he wasn’t staying, that was all she had.

I love you was what she wanted to say. I love you, I’m sorry.

What she finally said was, “Have a nice day.”

She hoped he could hear the rest in that phrase.   

Simón stood looking at her for a few seconds longer, and Ámbar thought he did.

He looked down briefly before replying. “Thank you.”

With that murmur, he walked away. 

Ámbar deflated back into her seat with the sound of the closing front door. She leaned forward on the table and hid her face behind her hands. How was she going to be able to fix this?  

“Oh, I see I just missed the guys,” a cheery voice showed up. Ámbar lowered her hands and saw Michel at the entrance of the dining room, grinning from ear to ear. “Maybe I should start getting up earlier but I always end up sleeping in,” he said with laughter. He took a seat at the table. “Good morning, Ámbar.”

Ámbar stood up. “Sorry, Michel, but I gotta get to work,” she murmured, not even looking at him as she walked away. She couldn’t stay there for a minute longer.

“Oh. Yeah, of course, have a nice day,” she heard Michel say behind her.

Ámbar went up to her room thinking that was completely impossible.

*****************

“What was that?”

Simón grimaced. He should’ve known his friends would ask questions the moment they got out of the house. He’d already been lucky enough to dodge their curiosity when they saw him walk out of the guest’s bathroom this morning, but after that display at breakfast, it was impossible to keep pretending nothing was amiss anymore.

“Matteo, don’t you have classes?” Simón asked him tiredly. They were all walking in the same direction even though he was sure Matteo wasn’t going to the Roller.

“I do, but I can go after this,” Matteo easily replied. “What happened with Ámbar?”

“Did you two have a fight?” Pedro asked, worried.

Simón sighed heavily. “I really don’t want to talk about it.”

Pedro’s voice softened with sympathy. “That bad, huh?”

“Judging by Ámbar’s face, I’d bet she was the one who screwed up,” Matteo said. “Or was it the two of you?”

“It’s… complicated,” Simón said somberly, avoiding their gazes. He spun a ring around his finger. “Not even I know what to think, to be honest.”

Did they both screw up? Could what Simón did be considered screwing up when it meant he found out the truth? Maybe. Simón wasn’t opposed to acknowledging his own faults. But he couldn’t help but think that none of this would’ve happened if Ámbar hadn’t lied in the first place.

Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw Matteo and Pedro looking at each other.

“Well, if you ever want to talk, you can count on us,” Pedro told him, giving him a reassuring squeeze on his shoulder.

“Yeah, you don’t need to bottle things up, you have us,” Matteo said. “I, for one, wouldn’t have any problem listening to you complain about Ámbar for an hour if you want.” Simón huffed out a wry laugh. Of course he would enjoy that.  

“Or we could help you,” Pedro suggested. “I mean, when Delfi and I had our fight, you helped us make amends. It’d be only fair for me to do the same for you. I wouldn’t mind at all.”

Simón turned to them with a small smile— a sad looking one, surely, but it was what he could muster at the moment. “Thank you. Both of you. Right now I just want to get to the Roller and distract myself a little. I feel like I haven’t stopped thinking about this since yesterday.”

“Yeah, of course,” Pedro said, his voice understanding.

After a bit more hesitance, Matteo acquiesced too. “Okay, I’ll leave you then.” He stopped walking. “I gotta catch the bus to get to my uni. See you guys later,” he said, waving to them as he left in the opposite direction.

“See you,” Pedro and Simón said back, and then they carried on their way to the Roller.

Simón tucked his hands inside the pockets of his jacket as he walked. They were cold, and they felt kind of awkward knowing that even if Ámbar were here with him, they would not hold hands.

“You sure you don’t want to talk?” Pedro offered gently. Simón could feel his gaze on him while he stared at the pavement. He had never been good at hiding his emotions. He didn’t really try to, to be honest—one thing he and Ámbar were complete opposites at— so he probably looked as depressed to Pedro as he felt.

Just as he usually didn’t hide his feelings, Simón didn’t usually have qualms about talking about them, but in this case, he felt some reluctance for some reason.

“Yeah,” he answered Pedro. And even though his friend didn’t ask for an explanation, he still searched for one. “Yeah, it’s just…”

I wouldn’t know how to say it without it sounding bad.

Simón’s chest tightened.

Ah. So that was why.

He shook his head a little and turned to look at Pedro. “Nothing. We’ll figure it out.”Or so I hope.  

Pedro showed him a smile. “I’m sure you will.”

They walked the rest of the way talking about something else. It felt almost normal for a moment— To arrive at the cafeteria, get to work, focus on nothing but preparing food, drinks, and waiting tables. It was exactly what Simón wanted, the distraction of the routine, until he remembered that yesterday had seemed normal too, just a day like any other, right until he talked to Emilia and found out Ámbar lied to him.

Normal could be deceiving. Normal could not be normal at all. How could Simón know?

The thought came with a wave of sadness, and of resignation. It appeared he couldn’t not think about what happened because even peace and quiet seemed suspicious to him now. His only option was to talk to Ámbar and try to fix things. But could they even be fixed?  

Simón wasn’t even sure yet about his own feelings on the matter enough to talk to Ámbar about it. A part of him was rightfully angry. Another was sad about the whole situation and from the hurtful words Ámbar shot at him. Another felt guilty for making her mad, and another was worried, very much scared actually, because— What if this was it? What if Ámbar couldn’t stand him anymore? Or what if what she was hiding was something truly awful and he couldn’t—

“Simón!”

Simón startled, looking up with a jump, and then he relaxed when he saw it was just his friend. “Luna, you scared me.”

“Sorry,” Luna said, not looking sorry at all—She was laughing, actually. “Seems like your head was up in the clouds, since you didn’t see me.”

“Yeah, a little.” Simón focused back on the table he was currently scrubbing clean with a rag. That was what he’d been doing for the past half-hour: cleaning tables. Which, honestly, he could’ve asked either of the part-timers to do— it was the type of menial tasks employees in training usually got assigned to— but he felt like scrubbing something, so he let the girls handle the food instead. “How are you? Everything alright at the Blake?”

“Yup,” Luna replied, but immediately turned doubtful. “Well, I think so. I had an exam today and I don’t know how well I did—But never mind that,” she stopped herself. “I was actually here to ask you how you’re feeling. Has your headache gone away yet?”

Simón stopped his mindless scrubbing (really, the table couldn’t be any cleaner than it already was) and looked up with a frown.

“Headache?”

“Yeah, Ámbar told us last night that you weren’t coming to dinner because you felt a little under the weather. Are you feeling better now?” She said with eyes drowned in caring worry. “Because if you don’t, maybe you should ask the guys to cover for you. There’s also Cata and Rae now, so I think you could relax for a bit. Lower your stress levels. Maybe your headache was due to stress.”

Simón bowed his head and a tiny wistful smile turned up the corner of his lips. “Right.”

That explained why Pedro’s first words upon seeing him that morning had been ‘Simón, what a surprise to see you here! Did you sleep in your room cause you felt unwell?’  Simón thought it had just been an assumption (and he ran with it saying, ‘Something like that’ ), but as it turned out, it was something Ámbar had explicitly told them.   

Another lie, Simón couldn’t help but think. But at least this one he understood, and it didn’t bother him much, to be honest. It kept him from being sought out by people last night when he definitely didn’t want to talk to anyone, so he couldn’t say convincingly that it was a bad thing to do.  

Simón looked at Luna again. “My head doesn’t hurt. And it didn’t hurt yesterday either, that was just an excuse,” he disclosed to her. The lie had already done its job; he wasn’t going to maintain it now.

Luna frowned. “Excuse?” She grabbed a chair to take a seat at the high table. “Excuse for what? You didn’t want to eat or…?”

“It’s not that I didn’t want to eat, I just…”

Simón sighed and dropped the rag on the table, leaning his hands on it afterwards. So much for scrubbing. He couldn’t clean the messes of his life like that table anyway.

“I had a fight with Ámbar last night,” he admitted, not meeting Luna’s gaze. “That’s why I didn’t want to leave my room. I wanted to be alone for a little while.”

“With Ámbar?” Luna sounded even more confused now. “But— Wait, I don’t get it. I saw her just this morning, she looked normal. When I asked her about you, she just told me that you—” Simón met her eyes. “Oh…” It clicked then. She lowered her gaze. “She was lying.”

Simón showed a sad smile as confirmation.

“When you say you two fought…” Luna started gently. “Was it, like, a difference of opinion…?” She ventured. “You had a disagreement or… more of an ugly fight?”

It was clear from her face that she was hoping it wasn’t the latter. Simón hesitated with his answer. What was the answer to that? He guessed, technically, it all boiled up to a difference of opinion: Simón thought Ámbar should be more honest, Ámbar disagreed; Simón thought he was doing a good thing by trying to help her, Ámbar thought he was meddlesome and should mind his own business. But it also wasn’t as simple as that.

Luna started talking again before he could formulate anything, stumbling in her apparent need to both not pressure him and also comfort him.

“I mean, I can imagine it wasn’t pleasant, what with you wanting to skip dinner and all that, but it wasn’t, like, serious, was it? I mean, you two looked very happy. Ámbar is more changed than ever. And— Look, not because I said she looked normal it means she wasn’t affected by this, alright?” She corrected. “I mean, I don’t know her like I know you, maybe she did look awful and I just didn’t notice. I mean, there’s no way that she wouldn’t care if you two fought, I’m sure of it. Ámbar cares about you a lot, and you care about her too, so there’s no way that you two would break up just because you had one fight… Right?” She finished with trepidation.

Simón stared at his friend’s worried face with a bit of surprise. Of all things, he wasn’t expecting Luna to reassure him about their feelings for each other.

And it was… nice to hear. That an outsider looked at them and thought that. That someone other than himself was so convinced that Ámbar changed and she cared about him.

It made Simón think too. Remember that morning. How Ámbar had waited for him (because it was obvious that she had) and how she had stopped him from leaving without wishing him a nice day first, as they always did. How her eyes screamed she wanted to say more.

She hadn’t said the actual words but they were there.

‘There’s no way that you two would break up just because you had one fight, right?’

Simón’s mouth curled into a sad smile and his eyes fell to the table.

“She is affected and we haven’t broken up,” Simón confirmed to Luna. “But it was rather an ugly fight.”

Luna looked him up with a guileless expression. “Do you want to tell me what happened?” She offered. “I mean, I’m not sure I could give you any good advice, considering my own romantic history, but I could listen. Maybe it could help to get it off your chest.” 

Simón looked at his best friend. He had told the guys previously that he didn’t want to talk about it and he meant it. But maybe… maybe he could talk to Luna. Luna always saw the best in people. Matteo would’ve jumped to worse conclusions than him automatically. Pedro would’ve tried to be more optimistic but Simón doubted he would’ve succeeded much. Maybe with Luna it would be okay. Maybe with her he’d be able to find some explanation that wasn’t as fatalistic as the ones his mind kept conjuring.

(He really needed someone to tell him it would be alright.)

Simón took a big breath and grabbed a chair to sit in front of Luna. “Okay,” he let the air go. “Here’s the thing: Ámbar has some things that she’s not telling me. But she told me. I mean, she said she can’t tell me now because it’s hard for her, but she’ll tell me when she can. And I want to be understanding, but I don’t get why she won’t just talk to me, and every time I try to get her to confide in me, it has the complete opposite effect— She closes up and gets defensive. Last night, she told me I’m meddling too much in her private affairs, and it is a little true, I should just trust her, but it’s not easy, and especially now, because yesterday I found out she lied to me. That’s what triggered this whole thing, that she lied to me. She told me Emilia had called her on the phone, but Emilia didn’t call her, and she didn’t want to tell me who she was really talking to. And I know that sounds controlling, like ‘Who were you talking to on the phone’, but it’s not like that, it’s not that I don’t I want her to have privacy, but why lie to me about it? I thought there weren’t lies in our relationship anymore. I just… It’s just…” Simón slumped on the table. “It sucks.”

When he brought himself to look back at Luna, her eyes were very wide.

“…Wow,” she let out. Clearly, that had been a lot of information to drop on her in such little time.

Simón would’ve felt bad if he weren’t desperate for consolation. “What do you think? Do you think I blew it out of proportion?” He asked with a tiny bit of hope. “I mean, it was just a phone call, right? This isn’t like last year…”

“Well…” Luna started cautiously once she processed everything. “The way you picture it… it does sound very strange, Simón,” she admitted with ruefully. His little hope died. “I mean, a lie is always a lie, and that’s coming from anyone but- from Ámbar specifically…?  You have to admit, she doesn’t exactly have the best track record with these things.”

Simón looked down, his shoulders sagging. “I know.” His voice came out as defeated as he felt. “I know and I swear I don’t want to think anything bad because I know she’s changed, I know it, but what am I supposed to think if she acts like this?” He said, distraught. “If she lies and hides things from me?”

Luna’s eyes glistened with apprehension. “You don’t think she’s… plotting something again, do you?”

“No,” Simón denied automatically. “No, I don’t think so, I…” He sat up straight again. “I mean, she’s come too far for that,” he reasoned. “It wouldn’t make sense. Plus, why? Why now? And how? She barely has any free time left with everything that means being the manager of the Roller.” He shook his head. “No, this… this has to be something else. Like, something she’s struggling to talk about but because it’s very private, you know? Something she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing yet.”

“But if she was talking to someone on the phone, it means that, whatever it is, she is talking to someone about it,” Luna pointed out. Then she asked carefully. “Do you have any idea who it might be?”

Oh, Simón had many ideas.

It was basically the one thing he’d been able to think about ever since his talk with Emilia. He’d been kind of able to keep the theories at bay before talking to Ámbar because he’d been hoping that she’d just answer that question for him and then everything would be alright, but after their fight, he had hardly managed to sleep, thinking over and over about who it could’ve been on the other side of the phone.

A ton of possibilities had crossed his mind, but after musing it over, he had mainly three that he considered most likely: Sharon, that accountant that Ámbar kicked out of the Roller, or some random guy Ámbar was cheating on him with. 

(It had even crossed his mind that it might be a girl and that dating him made Ámbar realize that she actually wasn’t into guys at all, and wouldn’t that be the icing on the cake of his life?)

The problem with either of those options was that neither completely convinced him, for different reasons. In the first place, if it was Sharon, why wouldn’t Ámbar just tell him that? If Sharon had decided to call her now after all these months, that was on Sharon, not on Ámbar, she had no reason to hide it. After all, with all the pain that woman had caused her, Simón would never think Ámbar was helping her. She shouldn’t be worried that he would suspect her like that.

(Maybe she was. Maybe that was the image she had of him: Nosy, judgy, and insufferable.)

The accountant raised similar questions in his mind, mainly because she was linked to Sharon— at least, as far as Ámbar told him. If there was more to it, well, Simón had no way to know, and he also couldn’t think of why Ámbar would be keeping it a secret.

Then there was the third option, which Simón refused to even contemplate. Ámbar was not cheating on him. She just wasn’t. She wouldn’t do that.

Like you thought she wouldn’t lie to you again? 

“I have some suspicions but none of them convince me,” he finally replied to Luna, cutting off the venomous voices in his head or he would keep falling into a rabbit hole of questions he had no answers to. “I mean, this just—” He ran a hand through his hair furiously. “This can’t be anything bad, Luna, it just can’t, there has to be some other explanation.”

Some seconds ticked by. “Well, I’m sorry, Simón, but I have no idea what it could be,” Luna said with sadness. “But that doesn’t mean it’s anything bad,” she tried to argue.    

Simón huffed sarcastically. “Right, and what else could it be? A surprise party for me?”

“Yeah, why not?”

“Luna.” Simón gave him a look. He had to admit that, in his lowest moment, even that crossed his mind, but it didn’t make sense and she knew it. “She’s already organizing the Roller Jam inspired by México. And I really much doubt she would’ve yelled at me the way she did if that were the case.”

Luna grimaced but didn’t back down. She leaned forward on the table and tried again. “Look, all I’m saying is, at the end of the day, neither of us know anything, so we can’t take anything for certain,” she defended. “Ámbar could be going through a hard time and that’s why she’s acting like this— It wouldn’t be the first time she lashes out at the world instead of asking for help. Besides, this isn’t like last year, you said it yourself. Back then there were suspicious signs, things that didn’t quite add up, people accusing Ámbar of stuff she kept denying she did— Like that thing with the dislikes in Jazmín’s video,” she gave as an example. “But now there’s nothing like that. Things are incredibly peaceful here at the Roller. Ámbar’s no longer with the Red Sharks, and she let us use the rink again to train with Juliana, and she’s organizing this amazing Day of the Dead party, which I know will be awesome.” She looked at him with radiant optimism, urging him to feel the same. “If she had done anything bad, I think someone would’ve seen or heard anything by now, and no one has told me anything of the sort. Actually, everyone has noticed how much Ámbar has changed lately. In fact—” 

Luna paused in her speech, like realizing she was about to say something she hadn’t planned to.

“What?” Simón asked her.

“Well,” she said after a moment, “since Ámbar was acting so different and everything seemed to be going well, I was thinking about maybe asking her to join the Roller Team again.”

Simón’s heart fluttered a little at the idea. “Really?”  

“Yeah. I mean, we would’ve had to talk to the rest of the guys first, obviously, and Ámbar too, but…” Luna averted her gaze. “Well, with everything you’re telling me now…”

Simón’s excitement flickered out and he looked down dejectedly. “It doesn’t sound like a good idea anymore,” he finished for her.  

It hurt to know he almost had everything he ever wanted.

“Hey.” Luna’s soft voice broke through the gloom of his thoughts. She reached out to hold his hands and Simón looked up to meet her eyes, earnest and caring. “You and Ámbar haven’t talked since you had your fight, right?” She read the answer on his face. “Then don’t be discouraged.” She squeezed his hands in her own. “Who knows? Maybe next time you see each other, she’ll apologize for everything and explain about the phone call and everything will be alright. Don’t lose hope, okay?”

There it was, the optimism that was so inherent in Luna. Simón wanted to cling to it like a lifeboat, even if the demons in his head whispered that she was just saying what he wanted to hear.

If he started thinking everyone was lying to him, he would lose himself. Luna was honest. And she was right— Nothing was said and done yet. If anything, he could cling to that.

He drew a small smile on his face. “Okay. Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it,” Luna said with her own little smile, hers much brighter than his own.

She pulled away and stood up from her seat. “Now, if you need me, I’ll be at the mansion. And don’t skip dinner again, you hear me?” She pointed her finger at him. “I’m going to tell my mom to cook your favorite meal, so you better show up or we’re not leaving you any leftovers.”

The smile on Simón’s lips turned a little more genuine. “Okay. I’ll see you there.”

“See you,” Luna returned, and then she walked to the exit.

Simón let out a heavy sigh, alone once more. Did he feel better now that he’d talked it over with someone? Maybe a little, but it hadn’t been the magical solution he was hoping for.

He should’ve known there were no magical solutions.

He remained thinking back on everything Luna had said. All her arguments had been reasonable— Up until a day ago, everything seemed to be fine. Everything was fine at the Roller, not like last year.

But if everything at the Roller was fine and none of his friends suspected Ámbar of anything, then…

Whatever she’s hiding only has to do with me.

It should be a good thing. Technically, it was. It was better if this whole thing only affected him instead of all of his friends.

But what was he supposed to do with the ache inside his chest?

He tried repeating Luna’s assurances in his mind— Maybe the next time he talked to Ámbar everything would be fixed, maybe there wasn’t anything bad going on and Ámbar only lashed out because she had a tendency to do that when she felt vulnerable, he shouldn’t assume anything until proven otherwise. They were all good points. All of it had logic. Then why couldn’t he calm down?

‘Back then there were suspicious signs, things that didn’t quite add up’

There was nothing of the sort now, wasn’t there? So it was fine. Everything was going to be fine.

Except…

Unbidden, a memory came to mind. That moment, days ago, when Ámbar had snatched her phone out of hand, claiming she was waiting for a call from Vidia. Simón remembered feeling like she wasn’t being sincere then.

...Had that… been a lie too?

Again with her phone, it’s someone on that phone, who is she talking to?

The whole deal with that accountant had been suspicious— There was no better word to describe it. But Ámbar had kicked her out of the Roller, refusing to take her contact information when the woman offered it, so it couldn’t be her.

Who else?

Flashes of Benicio on the phone ran through Simón’s mind, of him talking and hanging up at the same time Ámbar did. He recalled that one time he saw them walking out of the dressing room together, Benicio’s smug smirk, how Ámbar told him later that it was nothing, that Benicio had only followed her there to annoy her.

The same thing she said about Emilia’s supposed phone call.

No, no— Stop it. Now he was making stupid connections. Yes, Ámbar lied to him, but she didn’t lie to him every day, it had been just once. She didn’t lie about Vidia and she didn’t lie about Benicio.

How do you know?

If she lied to you once, she could’ve lied a thousand times, how do you know? How do you know if everything is a lie?

Cold dread tensed Simón’s limbs and he knew. That was the reason why he couldn’t calm down. It wasn’t because he was convinced there was something bad going on, it wasn’t because he believed everything was a lie, it was because before that never would’ve crossed his mind and now it was a possibility. He’d gone from solid ground and sure steps to walking on a frozen lake, without the slightest clue of how thick the ice was under his feet.

How many more steps could he take before it broke? In which direction? Maybe it wouldn’t break. But maybe it would.

Scared. That was what Simón was, scared, more than all the rest— More than angry, more than guilty, more than hurt.

And his only hope was that Ámbar could somehow make everything be okay again.

(Maybe the ice had broken already.)

*******************

Unbeknownst to the lonely figure, two sets of eyes stood watching him from some meters away, blended into a dark corner of the bar.

“You were absolutely right, he looks miserable.”

Benicio was smirking with all the self-satisfaction a person could possibly exude. It was evident that seeing Simón alone brought him a lot of joy. Emilia, on her part, watched him with little more than indifference.

Benicio threw her a glance. “See? I told you Ámbar would do it all by herself,” he gloated, sounding proud. Of himself or Ámbar? Both, probably. “No matter how much she tries to act as the good girl, that’s not who she really is— She’s just like us. It’s only a matter of time before they break up,” he said savoring it.

“Okay so, mission accomplished, right?” Emilia pressed. She wasn’t nearly as happy about this as he was. She didn’t think she was even happy. Maybe a little satisfied— after all, this meant their revenge had borne fruit, which was exactly why she had told Benicio about her conversation with Simón the previous day— but it paled in comparison to how tired she was of this topic and her consequential annoyance at Benicio. “Ámbar got her due for betraying us. Now we can focus on our rollerskating.”

“Not yet,” Benicio replied, watching Simón with a calculating glint in his eyes. “I still have one final move in my plan.”

Emilia’s annoyance snapped into exasperation. “Benicio, all of the couple competitions I’ve found have their sign-ups next month and we haven’t even started coming up with a choreography— Can you stop thinking about Ámbar for one second?”

Benicio finally turned to look at her and he had the gall to smirk. With one hand, he brushed some of her hair behind her shoulder. “I like it when you get jealous.”

Emilia tried not to let his flirting affect her. It wasn’t that easy, especially because they’d been kissing lately, turning their closeness into something more. It wasn’t anything serious, but Emilia liked it. Liked him. That was the only reason why she put up with him so much.

But this was important. This was her career. Or what she wanted her career to be and she wasn’t going to achieve that if they kept going like this.

“I want to compete,” she told him. “I want to win something. I thought that was what you wanted too; to be the best.”

“And we will be.” He took her hand. “Together.”

Emilia’s heart fluttered against her will, the pathetic, girly part of her brain latching onto his words and turning them over, wondering if it meant ‘nothing serious’ could turn into something real. A relationship.

“Just be patient, okay?” Benicio told her, confident and laid-back. “The world will know our names, that I can assure you.”

Emilia stared into his eyes, trying to share his confidence, trying to believe him, wanting to know what thoughts ran through his mind.

Do you like me? Do you see me? Do you really care?

She couldn’t voice any of these things or she’d look weak. She’d look like an insecure little girl, weeping for his attention.

But she wanted his attention. She wanted to be the best in his eyes. She wanted him to choose her over everyone else. Because if a guy like Benicio, who accepted only the best, chose her, then that would mean she was the best, right?

And then she’d feel better.

Then, maybe it would all have been worth it.

*******************

The warmth of the mansion came as a relief after being exposed to the biting cold outside during the walk back from the Roller. Simón could practically feel his body sucking up the heat as he and Pedro crossed the front door, making him almost want to shudder with contentment. The three years he’d been living in Buenos Aires might have gotten him more used to the cold, but he was still a tropical guy at heart, and maybe he always would be. Bless all the ACs and heaters in the world.

The relief was short-lived as only a couple of footsteps brought him right into the field of vision of Ámbar, who was sitting on a couch next to the lobby, working on what appeared to be decorations for the Roller Jam.

Some good five meters separated them, so it shouldn’t have been an issue. Simón should’ve been able to walk straight to the stairs, but of course his eyes found Ámbar immediately— they always did— and Ámbar looked back too, maybe had been looking since the moment she heard the front door open, and his feet slowed to a stop.

He knew he would see her eventually. Had prepared for it even, at least a little. But he didn’t think it would be so soon.

(And that gaze— this one look they were sharing across the room right now. It was charged with a million things, playing a staccato on his pulse.)

(No, Simón hadn’t prepared enough for this.)

Pedro stopped as well, probably because he noticed Simón did. Feeling his presence next to him made Simón look away, as if he’d been caught doing something wrong. Well, not wrong, just incredibly awkward.

Pedro seemed to know this too, so he spoke, trying to alleviate the scene with a touch of normalcy. 

“Hey, Ámbar. Still working?”

Simón didn’t look up to see her, but he could imagine her trying to seem composed as she replied. “Yeah, um, I wanted to get these done today.”

“Ah. I see.” Clearly, Pedro’s attempt at small talk had hit a dead-end. “Well, I’ll see you at dinner.”

Pedro looked at Simón as he turned toward the stairs, silently questioning if he was going to come with him or not. Simón didn’t have an answer. Pedro kept walking away, eventually disappearing from view altogether, and Simón’s feet stayed rooted to the spot. Maybe that was his answer.

He took a deep breath and turned to face the living room again. A pair of blue eyes darted quickly away from his, pretending they hadn’t been watching. Simón felt a weird flicker of something in his chest. Maybe it would’ve been a surge of affection in another life, endearment or amusement, but it didn’t manage to fully form before getting flattened by the weight of his nerves and anxiety, so it only left him feeling a little lost, a little unmoored.

Come on, you know what needs to happen, just do it.  

Simón hid his hands inside the pockets of his jacket and approached Ámbar at a measured pace. He stood next to the couch and looked at the decorations laying on the coffee table— An assortment of what seemed like paper garlands in different shapes and colors covered the surface almost completely, the one in Ámbar’s hands made of pink flowers that looked like Cempasúchil, linked together by a string.

(It looked like the string he once used to make the blanket fort. He pushed that thought aside.)

“You’re doing a great job, they look very pretty,” he offered as compliment. It was true, and also easier to talk about than everything else.  

It took Ámbar a second to reply.  

“Thank you.” Her voice came out subdued, as if her shifting eyes and fidgety hands weren’t enough signs she was nervous as well. “I had never done stuff like this before, but it’s surprisingly nice.”

Another flicker. For me, she’s doing this for me.

But that didn’t eliminate other things she had done.

“Well, lucky for you, I have a lot of experience,” Simón said, taking off his jacket and draping it on the back of the couch as he moved to sit down next to her. He extended his hand. “Here, hand me one, I’ll help you.”

Ámbar’s eyes widened slightly. “Oh, you don’t have to. You must be tired from work.”

“I told you I’d help you, so I’m going to.”

He didn’t mean it as a jab, necessarily, but he could see from the quick way Ámbar averted her gaze that she took it as one. ‘I keep my word.’

Well. It wasn’t untrue.

“It’s no problem, really,” Simón reassured her. He wasn’t particularly tired from his job, and sitting down making crafts wasn’t nearly an exhausting activity.  

Ámbar nodded and reached for the cardboard box at her feet to hand him another half-made garland, much like the one she was working on.

The two got to work in silence. A bit of conversation sparked here and there throughout the first few minutes, mostly indications of how to do this, how to do that, or asking the other to pass them something.

It was hard to reconcile this stiffness with the comforting ease Simón was used to having between them. It was hard to reconcile this Ámbar, quiet and cowered as if afraid to say or do the wrong thing, with the one that had yelled at him the previous night, letting him know unabashedly what she thought of him. He still couldn’t believe any of that had happened. It all felt so strange. One second, they were happy and she was organizing an entire party for him, and then… this.

One event shouldn’t be able to eclipse everything else. It should be easy to go back to what they had. Except this wasn’t just a fight, and a little lie wasn’t just a lie, not between them, not with their history.

And Ámbar knew that and she still did it anyway.

And she told me not to meddle and I did it anyway.

Eventually, neither of them needed more instructions, and they were both focused on what they were doing, so they didn’t talk anymore. Simón doubted they were actually focused, but that was their excuse. He didn’t know how long they spent like that. At some point, two of the garlands in Ámbar’s pile became tangled and Simón offered to help her untangle them. Ámbar handed them to him, and their hands touched.

Both of them froze at the same time. Simón went to move his hands away, but Ámbar grabbed them and held them tight before they could retreat.

“I’m sorry.” Her anguish-ridden voice broke the silence, the looming feeling of uncertainty and apprehension hanging above their heads. She looked at him, seeking his eyes until Simón met her own. “I’m so sorry, about everything. I was horrible to you, I said nothing but bullshit, you didn’t deserve any of that.”   

Simón looked down at their hands.  

“I’m sorry if…” He swallowed. “If sometimes I come out as a busybody, I don’t mean to.”

Maybe he didn’t deserve everything, but maybe he did a little; he had to admit that.

Ámbar shook her head emphatically. “No, no, you are not a busybody.” She brought a hand to his cheek, making Simón look up to meet her gaze. “You reach out to people because you care. And I know everything you do is because you care about me. I never should’ve called you that; you’re the sweetest.”

Her thumb caressed his cheek but Simón wanted to jerk and move his head away.  

‘Sweet.’ That word didn’t make him feel better.

I’m so sweet that I’m easy to lie to? So sweet that you think I’m stupid and don’t notice something’s going on? So sweet you think I don’t care?

Or maybe I’m so sweet that you feel bad admitting I annoy you, so you’re lying to me even now, saying you didn’t mean it.

Poison. There was poison filling up Simón’s mind and heart, a black substance running through his very veins, and Simón didn’t know where it came from. He had never thought this way. At least, not since last year, but things were so different then.

Are they? How are they different?

Because he knew Ámbar now. Last year he didn’t, not really, not with all her facets, so it was easy to think the worst of her. But now? Simón understood her much more, and trusted her much more, and there was no way she was up to something bad, there just wasn’t.

“My love?”

Simón returned his gaze, and focus, back to Ámbar, finding her eyes staring at him with equal hope and trepidation, searching his face for something.

She lowered her hand from his cheek and took both his hands in her own again, squeezing them intently.

“I love you,” she said, and it sounded like a plea. “Please forgive me. I didn’t mean anything I said, I swear. I really shouldn’t have snapped at you like that. I shouldn’t have lied to you. You have every right to be upset— if it were me in your shoes, I don’t even know if I’d forgive myself, but I… I’m so sorry. I just hope you can find it in you to forgive me.”

Simón waited. He waited for her to tell him who she had been talking to on the phone. He waited for her to promise she wasn’t going to lie again. He waited.

“Can you forgive me?”

Simón’s heart dropped.

Why?

Why won’t she promise? I would believe her. I’d believe her a thousand times.

Did she intend to do it again? Was that it? She couldn’t promise she wouldn’t lie because she would do it if he asked about it?

She did say she would tell him eventually. If this was what she meant with the things she was hiding, she asked him not to ask, he was going to be patient.

What if he didn’t want to be patient anymore?

I don’t have that choice.

Really, what was the alternative? What could he say? He could demand she told him but that would just lead to them fighting again. He could give an ultimatum, open his mouth right now and say something like, ‘Ámbar, you either tell me everything or I’m breaking up with you.’

But—

He—

That—

Simón’s insides twisted just from thinking about it. That wasn’t what he wanted— It was the last thing he wanted. And it would be very insensitive towards Ámbar, truly horrible to force her to talk in such a way, without her wanting to or being ready.

(The asphyxiating terror crept in, that given the choice, she could not choose him at all.)

Last year had been much different. Simón had walked away even if it hurt him because he thought Ámbar wasn’t who he thought she was. One couldn’t fall in love with the idea of someone, especially if that idea was wrong. But eventually, he got to confirm that he was right about her, that she had a good heart, had it all along, and Simón had gotten theprivilege of getting to know it first-hand all this time, and God if he loved her, flaws and all.

He couldn’t just walk away now. And he didn’t have to. Things would be fine. Because he knew Ámbar, and she knew him, and somehow, they would be alright.

(Now who’s saying what you want to hear?)

Simón looked at her and made his lips form some resemblance of a smile. “Yeah. I forgive you.”

Ámbar sagged with relief and threw her arms around him, holding him tight. “Thank you.” She turned her face to kiss the side of his head.

Simón wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her neck.

Maybe he just had to wait some more.

…

..

.

--------------------

Shout-out to Cat, my friend from Argentina (who I added into the story as a thank you for letting me crash on her couch), for pointing out that Simón was, indeed, a little annoying back in season 2 when he was constantly asking Ámbar if she was okay over and over. That little detail served as a good callback to really draw the knife home in Simón’s chest <3

Also, shout-out to Rae, who I’ll be visiting very soon in Canada!! <3 Love you, girl. Thank you for loving my story from day one, and especially at times when I didn’t love it myself. I just had to immortalize you by making you part of the story. But I didn’t want it to be cringe either, so I just made you the sidest side character to ever live on the sidelines 😂 Hope you’re pleased.

(Chiara, don’t worry, your moment will come, you just have to wait until the last chapters<3)

That’s what happens when you’re a friend of mine: My mind turns your life into folklore.

To all of my readers: you guys are like friends to me as well <3 Thank you so much for your continuing support— I love all your messages with questions, prompts, and encouragements to keep writing— and I hope you liked this chapter. See you next time! - C

[itsmiyamore]

tell us about your cd collection!!! :3 which are your favs?? which were the ones you fought tooth and nail to get??

OH BOY Koi beloved I don't think you know what you're getting yourself into but if you insist I will oblige 👹👹

OK so the CD collection started in 2021 when Maisie Peters released her debut album YSUFT and I wanted some merch, but it only came in bundles, so I ended up acquiring 2 CDs of the album that way. About half a year later, I went into Half Price Books (a second hand book/record store) and hit the jackpot with 4 Taylor Swift CDs! I was just getting fully into Taylor's music and I thought it would be fun to try and collect CDs from her other albums!

Now at this point I have 6 CDs and no way to play them, they're just on display, so that Christmas my parents got me a CD player and that honestly just fueled my fixation lol. I went from "1 CD from each album" to "the standard edition, deluxe edition, and rerecorded edition of each album" (Taylor Swift). I also figured I might as well collect CDs of other albums I like as well, which is how I can to aquire SOUR, GUTS, emails I can't send, and a random classical music CD i bought from a lady I took a masterclass with (Zoya Shuhatovich).

When Maisie released her sophomore album, naturally I bought the standard CD + 2 of the collectors editions CDs. However, one of the collectors CDs came in wrong (there were 3 editions and they sent the wrong one) and I couldn't buy the one I wanted bc it was sold out. I tried like 3 times from a different website but I got THE SAME WRONG ONE EACH TIME and recently she released a 1 year anniversary merch drop and now the CD is sold out on that website too (but I'm kind of convinced it was sold out to begin with and mislabelled). So to answer your second question that would be my answer. Another answer would be Tortured Poets Department! I was in line when she first announced it and snagged a Manuscript Collector's Edition haha. I snagged the other collector's editions too but this was by far the hardest one I was in line for like an HOUR.

With Taylor's most recent albums, she's been doing like 4+ variations of each album and I am crazy and buy most of the variations so I have 5 Midnights variations, the 4 deluxe versions of 1989 TV (I didn't buy the Target ones) and the 4 collectors editions of Tortured Poets Department (also didn't buy the Target ones). I try to limit myself by only having 1 CD per cover art lol

During this year's Record Store Day, Maisie released a deluxe vinyl and of course I wanted it SO BAD so I went and I ended up also buying the Olivia Rodrigo/Noah Kahan RSD vinyl, a standard emails I can't send vinyl, and The Tortured Poets Department Bolter edition vinyl. I also already had a vinyl of Maisie's sophomore album bc that cover didn't have a CD version but I did not intend to end up with so many 😭 I wanted the Sabrina RSD Feather vinyl but they were sold out in my whole city :( I regret not asking about a Chappell one since it was before she got huge after those festivals and I might've had a chance 😔

But anyway, now I have 6 vinyls and no vinyl player, so I buy one for 20 bucks at a flea market (it works) and now I also have an Espresso vinyl, I preordered a Please Please Please vinyl, and also preordered 2 picture disks of Short n' Sweet (the standard picture disk and the Spotify exclusive one)

My fav CDs are my signed Maisie one (she wished me a happy birthday), my YSUFT CD (bc it was my first), and then probably emails I can't send (bc I just like the album lol). My fav vinyls are my two Maisie ones, one bc it was my first RSD buy and the other bc it's signed. They're both also really pretty.

The price of each CD has varied, I've bought some off eBay for less than 10 bucks and some for more than 20. I'm currently looking into an emails I can't send fwd Japan exclusive CD that's about $30 and I'm sooo close to buying it but I kinda don't have a job rn and I preordered a lot of Sabrina records sjxnjsjdns

Unfortunately, I was stupid during the Midnight release, and when she released signed versions I didn't buy one "because I already bought that version and it wasn't my favorite" and I cannot tell you how much I beat myself up for it bc now it's literally impossible to get a signed Taylor CD. I also missed the sale for signed Sabrina CDs by like 10 minutes and they were all sold out. I didn't buy a signed YSUFT CD bc I wasn't used to online shopping and was scared to, but I did get the signed TGW CD and she wished me a happy birthday teehee

I have a bunch of other signed merch (mostly Maisie) in form of posters, art cards, and T-shirts lol but that's a separate post

So yeah! That's my CD collection :) I will reblog this with a picture of what it looks like currently! (Or a video if that's what I find instead)

[sodamnradd]

20 questions for fic writers

thank you sweet @whimsymanaged for tagging me.

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

22

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

237,289

3. What fandoms do you write for?

HP

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Arctic Wolf

House Husband

Ecdysis

Lion in the Snake's Nest

The Vanishing Drawer

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I always promised myself I would be the type of writer who would respond to every comment because I cherish them all. But I can barely answer my work emails these days and would rather reply to none than to only a select few and make others feel left out.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

(un)seasonably numb -- happy holidays lol

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

They're all pretty happy tbh. If you want super cozy/warm vibes you can't go wrong with New Year's Resolution.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Rarely. And I feel very lucky for that. I used to write a lot on Wattpad when I was in my teens/early twenties and comments were pretty brutal back then. So I've become a bit jaded when it comes to dumb one-liners. Essay-sized mean comments? Get a life. lol.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Have you read on-again, off-again, yet? It's my latest smutty installation.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Endless Night is inspired by Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist and that's probably the closest I've ever come to doing that.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yes.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes. Very grateful international readers are interested in reading and translating my work.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I do artist-writer collabs but not with other writers.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

Dramione & Jurdan (but I'm happy with Holly Black's original and I don't try to rewrite perfection).

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

You wouldn't know because I have enough foresight not to publish it lol.

16. What are your writing strengths?

That's an awkward thing to answer about myself... But if I had to pick it would be: brevity, banter, first POV voice, and maybe specificity when it comes to description.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Action scenes. I also struggle with transitioning ideas between paragraphs seamlessly. Sentence structure variation (I'm working on it).

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

If you can do it correctly, why not?

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Dramione

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

Ecdysis is my baby. Forever and ever, amen.

The Body Count was my first dramione fanfic and still holds a special place in my heart.

In one shots, it's probably at the coffee table. I'm really proud of how much I was able to cram into 3.7k words and it's still one of my favourites today.

Tagging: @eveningstruggle, @simplifiedemotions, @ambpersand

[waffles-for-brunch]

20 questions for fic writers!

tagged by @lovevamp

1. how many works do you have on ao3?

4. One's an okay oneshot, then I did a fix-it after 15x20, then I lost my mind completely and spent three years on a season 12 rewrite and now I'm back again writing another fix-it. My twilight zone is self-inflicted.

2. what’s your total Ao3 word count?

540,492 (insert kevin james shrugging meme here)

3. what fandoms do you write for?

Just Supernatural. I started writing a fic for Baldur's Gate Bloodweave but then Destiel dragged me back to the dark side. Maybe I'll finish that one eventually.

4. what are your top five fics by kudos?

they're not gonna be in order bc I'm just gonna go thru my bookmarks real quick but - "And this, your living kiss" by opal_bullets "On labor" by a_good_soldier (i reread this one twice this week) "The Nanny" by Kitmistry and those are the ones i feel like mentioning. :)

5. do you respond to comments?

Admittedly rarely. Mostly because I'll open my email when I'm getting up in the morning and read them and then work all day and forget to respond. I do appreciate all the comments I get tho. And a lot of the really kind ones I send to my groupchat and/or save in a folder on my email labelled "nice comments" also just sometimes I don't feel like I have anything to say. Like idk sometimes thank you just seems too small or something you know. It's strange. Then I'll just get in my head about it and say nothing and the cycle repeats lmao. But I do read them all.

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Dog you know I'm not writing any angst without a happy ending. I can't take that shit lmao. It's happy endings only in this house. Happy and found family and loveliness. :)

7. what is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I literally end everything the same way. Please I have the worst case of projection imaginable with these fics.

8. do you get hate on fics?

If I do I'm unaware. But I'd probably know it if I do, I stalk my own name and fics wherever I can because I'm insane and nosey. But nah the most I've gotten is just people being mad about a certain character's actions, but like that's not even hate it's just frustration with a character which is a given in certain circumstances. Now if someone was like "wow bad characterization" I'd be like girl, but no I think people are pretty respectful in my corners for the most part.

9. do you write smut? if so, what kind?

Bro let me tell you in "Our Old Heroes" I wrote like a singular sex scene and like maybe one or two other hot and heavy ones and good god did they take me so long to write. Like I'm not a very sex oriented person in general so writing this stuff out? Bro it's embarrassing how much poetry I put into that in retrospect (i jest, it's fine) but like I don't generally orient towards it just because it's very time consuming for me. It has to be very intimate and just right.

10. do you write crossovers? what’s the craziest one you've written?

So short answer no, I haven't. Longer answer I love the concept and would be open to it. Particularly if it involves Dean being psychoanalyzed in some way because that's my favorite thing to write so it would probably be criminal minds. I think crossovers have so much fun and wonky potential tho.

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

I hope someone printed my fic to bring into prison and make a black market hot commodity. It would be the highest honor. I guess that's not theft, it's just the free market. But so I guess really no, if I have I'm unawares.

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

Not that I'm aware of but I have had people comment in other languages or on twitter people will talk about it in a different language, which is pretty crazy. It's so wild we can be so connected to a story in that way despite not speaking the same language or growing up in the same environment.

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

no! but as @lovevamp has said we've talked about a few that I'm certain one day we will follow through on. I've also talked with @icaruspendragon about maybe doing one at some point bc we seem to have the exact same mental illness that is the dean winchester brain disorder.

14. what’s your favorite all time ship?

I live breathe and bleed destiel, it's truly unfortunate for me.

15. what’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I just have a lot of ideas in my docs that will probably never become more than the ideas they are. Usually when I start a fic like for real I follow through with it. I would feel bad if I didn't lol.

16. what are your writing strengths?

I've been told my characterization is pretty good, which I appreciate. If it was bad I'd probably kms (jk). But fr idk that's the biggest comment I'll get is in regards to that which I really do like because I spend a lot of time trying to find a balance and make sure I'm expressing everyone the correct way they'd express themselves or not express themselves.

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

Sex scenes aside I do struggle with action mostly because I find it boring to write out. You just have to try and find so many different words. Ugh. I love dialogue. That's really where I start getting going. But writing action? I tend to do that last because I wanna get through all the good bits first then circle back and do the boring bits.

18. thoughts on writing dialogue in another language?

listen I can barely remember english i'm sorry

19. first fandom you wrote for?

i'm an og baby i started here (destiel) and this is where i'll die (maybe not, we'll see)

20. favorite fic you’ve written?

Well, I don't really have many so it's probably the massive one. "Our Old Heroes" by adelaclancy (that's me). I was really in a bad place when I started it and I kind of just gave myself this crazy project for several reasons. One I was stopping drinking so I needed something else to do with my time. Second I was jobless and goalless and really didn't have a lot going for me and writing was really the only thing I have ever had consistently so I was like okay well I'll start this stupid project and it's gonna be like 26 chapters and 500,000 words long and it's gonna delve into all my issues through projection of these fictional characters and if I actually manage to finish it I can finally say I finished something. So I did. And I actually managed to work on myself a lot in the process. So over all that time I went from living in bad straights as an unemployed drunkard to a full time worker with a few years sobriety under their belt and a better sense of my own boundaries and thriving friendships and I dunno man, in a way that fic really was a bridge for me and I think in that too for a lot of the readers they get to see that now too. Like they can see my little notes at the beginning of chapters and how they change over time alongside the characters in the book and it's kind of an experience in that way I suppose. If not through Dean Winchester and Castiel then maybe through me, if someone out there finds a little bit of hope from that silly little mess of words then I suppose that's something to be proud of then, isn't it? Anywho...

tagging: @icaruspendragon

(Bro I know like two people sorry)

[espithewarlock]

Some end-of-2023 asks that didn't get asked but I'm answering them anyways! Some are from AO3 Wrapped and some are from the more general 2023 reblog.

How many works did you publish this year?

20! It's so much more than I thought I would post, let alone write!

What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)?

Bittersweet, That Glitter (aka, Dragon!Pierre) by a long shot. I love the fantasy & worldbuilding and it's some of my best stuff. (I also loved dropping it on Sol unexpectedly and having her start shouting at me within a minute of posting it. Seriously, AO3, you chose then to be speedy with email notifications??)

What work of yours has the most hits?

My Pierre/Charles/Max Soulmark AU. Probably because it's one of the few chaptered fics that I have and probably because it's lestappen tagged. Of my oneshots, Omega!Pierre just beats OnlyFans!Charles by a few hits.

What work was the quickest to write?

I started Take, Take Me Over at 6:30am, wrote 1.9k words, edited, and posted it by 8:30am. (Then I went to the gym and found the perfect song inspiration. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )

What work took you the longest to write?

Another Deep Dive All The Way Down (aka, the Carlando Coffeeshop AU that's a companion to Mermaid!Charles) probably had the longest time start to finish because I kept procrastinating writing the ending.

What’s your shortest work of the year?

I wrote exactly 1,016 words for the short-fic prompt challenge, Trading Controllers, and I'm impressed at how much story I squeezed into just over a thousand words.

How many kudos in total did you get this year?

I'm sitting at 2,307 while I'm writing this and that is simply insane! I'm done posting Coffeeshop and I'm hoping to get a few more on that one since it's now 100% complete. Honestly, the fact that over two thousand people have liked my stuff enough to say they like my stuff is incredible!

Which work has the most comments?

By sheer number? Soulmark AU at 66 comment threads, but that averages to 3.9 per chapter. Mermaid!Charles has 4.1 per chapter, for comparison. Of my oneshots, Nymph!Pierre has 8 (including an ESSAY that makes me 🥰), Baker!Pierre has 7, and OnlyFans!Charles has 7.

What do you listen to while writing?

I actually usually listen to Twitch streams. The video game music + the commentary/content gives me something to flip back to while I'm thinking over story ideas and doesn't pull me out of the writing flow like listening to distinct songs.

Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

It's so hard to pick just one! Here's some of my favorites: 1. The 'little squid' bit from Nymph!Pierre 2. The whole meet-cute scene from Baker!Pierre (+ Kimi's "But that did not go well") 3. The line from Dragon!Pierre after he leaves ("Now that he knew the warmth of Charles' hands, of his mouth, on his body, there was no way the sun could compare.") 4. The absolute heartbreak of Pierre saying goodbye to Mermaid!Charles 5. OnlyFans!Charles pointing to himself ("what a coincidence! I also like your shirt.")

Talk about a new friend you made this year

Literally everyone in the Calamar's Club, but especially Logan & Sol. Sol for being the sweetest person ever, letting me be insane about dragons, and inviting me to the server after seeing me shout into the void for friends. Logan for dragging me into the chaos, the constant encouragement of everyone, and for making me melt every time they react to anything I post.

How was your birthday this year?

Excellent! I visited my sister, went to her wedding dress fitting, and we saw the musical Six! It was my first time seeing it and it was AMAZING.

Favorite book(s) you read this year?

The House in the Cerulean Sea by TJ Klune & The Near Witch by VE Schwab

What are you excited about for next year?

Posting my PWFE fic, meeting up with a local-ish fandom friend, and hopefully planning my first overseas trip!

If you could send a message to yourself back on the first day of the year, what would it be?

Read your fucking comments, Espi! You could have been making new friends and having fun conversations all year and you were too much of a coward to try that until ~September~. Most of them are lovely and you should ignore the ones that aren't!

Did you keep any New Year’s Resolutions?

Yep! I resolved to start lifting at the gym (instead of just doing cardio) and I've made pretty good progress! Going to continue into next year for sure!

[bqstqnbruin]

I literally just need to rant so that I can let this out now and I don't end up screaming at my class tomorrow after their quiz today

I make myself so available to my girls for when they need help. I am in my classroom at 6:35-6:40 am every morning when class starts at 8:15 and can stay after pretty much every day after school unless there's a faculty meeting. I have free periods that a lot of my other students have and all they have to do is tell me they want to come see me and I excuse them from their study. Even if I'm teaching another class, I tell them you can come, I just can't be answering your questions the entire time and you have to be mindful of that. We have this thing called community time which is a school wide free period but that gets taken up a lot because of meetings and mass and community prayer etc so it's really hard to come in/meet with students during that time. I even answer my emails at night until I go to sleep, when technically, I only have to answer them until 3:30 because that's my contract hours and I have to make sure I answer them in some way within 24 hours, whether it's in an email response or in class the next day.

My girls had a lab due today at the end of class, and I told them that if they know they are the type of person/student who takes a long time with their quizzes, that they need to have the lab done before hand/ask their questions before. They did the lab on Monday, and not a single student emailed me or came in to ask any questions at any time.

My one section of sophomores today had a quiz. The only emails I got last night from them were "what are the pages the quiz is on?" and "what's the format of the quiz?", and last night was the only night they emailed me. The quiz has been posted on Canvas since January 23rd. I have had it written on the board every class for the last week at least, and I mention it in class at the start and end of each class during that time what pages the quiz covered and we said that they quiz is the same format as the other like 10 they have taken for me.

This is my class where as soon as I say something, they don't even give me the chance to explain what I mean before they are yelling at me "I don't get it." None of them have asked questions about the material since we finished it on the 31st (just due to scheduling and timing it's been a week). They don't listen to me when I tell them what page we are on in the notes, where in their notes they can find the answer to their questions, and then don't listen to me when I tell them to write something down in their notes.

Their quiz today was after community time, but we had community prayer, so we only ended up having about 20 minutes of CT. I was so overwhelmed and also have not been feeling good that I could not be around them, so I went to the faculty room where we were actually discussing something kind of serious because one of our coworkers has been having complications with her pregnancy so we were trying figure out what to do before her long term sub comes in since her doctors told her she's staying in the hospital until the baby comes, and my girls interrupt and start telling me that I needed to be in my room because they needed help until my department head had to say, no, sorry, we're in the middle of something and this is kind of urgent.

I got to my room right when class started because of this meeting and they told me it was my fault they were going to do badly because I am never available to them and that I'm always hiding from them. One girl even wrote on her quiz that she did bad because she came today during CT when she had "a LOT of questions, but you weren't there, so" and that she missed all of the notes, when that was back on the 26th, I had her friend send them to her, I asked her to confirm that she got them, and asked her if she understood them, and she told me yes to both. One of my students emailed me saying that because I made the quiz "so hard" that she didn't finish, and that she needed to come back in and finish it, which isn't allowed by department and school policy. Also, the questions from the quiz were pulled right from their notes. They had two homework assignments where I took questions from those assignments and just pasted them into the quiz, and they had the homework pages back and graded the class before.

On top of that, more than half the class didn't turn in the lab, and they're mad at me for telling them that I have to follow the "late work policy" that we have, which I have already made as generous as possible. And before anyone gets on me about the policy, don't. We are told we have to have one. Mine is that I take off 1 point on the assignment per class that it's late. Other teachers do 10% every calendar day it's late. Some teachers even do 50% off right away and then down from there, too. There are teachers who won't accept late work at all.

This class ended up getting an average of a 75.6% on this quiz. I'm not surprised but I'm so disappointed because what else am I supposed to do? Like, it's an honors class. It's not supposed to be as easy as the regular class, and I know it's not as hard as the AP class because I also teach AP. I cannot make it easier because then it loses it's integrity.

[mimine666]

@madamairlock tagged me in this and I just saw it using my laptop. Quite excited to answer

1. How many works do you have on AO3?: 42 :)

2. What's your total AO3 word count?: 80,429 Pfiouf !

3. What fandoms do you write for? Mostly BSG and Major Crimes, but I loved For All Times and Dances with wolves and I have tons of ideas for both shows but will never find the time to write it down.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Ignoring my Tumblr Drabbles collection, they are:

Getting Caught

A Canadian Vacation

Intimacy

Safe From Harm : amused that you would my "deviant" ideas likeable

The Long Day is over (very surprised about that since this one is written in French)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? I try to, usually. I just saw that I have a few comments waiting to be answered in AO3 since i don't always get a notification by email.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? Not a big fan of Agnst but maybe this one, where Laura finds out her ex-husband is on New Caprica : Pity the fool that fell in love with you

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Most of if not all of them tend to have a happy ending or at least a neutral one. And I might add when it comes to smut, Sharon and Laura always get happy endings!!

8. Do you get hate on fics? I've received a few weird message on ff.net and tend to get away from that plateform because of that. In the past, when i was a teen, I got hateful comments on fics i wrote about ER and Dr House and ended up delating my account for a few years.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? I love smut, love to write it. I'm into things that can happen in everyday life, usually I'm for tenderness and closeness.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written? Never, yet but I have this big ideas for Raised with a Fist to meet with Laura from For all Times. Maybe one day i'll wrote it

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not sure. A few years ago, I received a weird email from ff.net stating that someone copied/pasted 2 of my fics then that a new publication was very similar to mine and asked me if a wanted to file a "complain". I did and never heard about it ever again.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? Nope!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? When I was young and in another fandom yes. Feels like a life time ago. Would love to do it again.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship? Just one?! the SpaceParents. I love the build up of their relationship on a solid friendship, I love their chemistry on screen something I feel Shandy is missing but I prefer Sharon Raydor caracter to Laura's.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will? I really really want to finish A Canadian Vacation and can't wait for the weather to bring tons of snow to inspire me ahah. Intimacy : i really doubt i will finish it. I'm way more inspired for MC nowadays ...

16. What are your writing strengths? I think I try to stay close the characters and i try to make you feel what they feel.

17. What are your writing weaknesses? Writing in English though now i comes more naturally than writing in French and because of that : grammar and vocabulary. I'm also quite dyslexic so even if i proofread it 3-4 times i don't usually see that a word is missing or things like that

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? Been there, done that. Would probably repeat it lol

19. First fandom you wrote for? ER I loved Elizabeth Corday !

20. Favourite fic you've ever written? I have a very soft spot for Intimacy and Getting Caught because they're so fun to write. And I love my one in Canada because I want fluffyness and love. On the smut ones, I really enjoyed writing Safe from harm, felt very liberating.

[filmnoirfoundation]

In case you missed it on Facebook, here it is on YouTube.Film Noir Foundation prez Eddie Muller responds to film noir fan questions fielded by the Foundation's Director of Communications Anne Hockens. In this episode, we discuss NOIR CITY 2024, noir musicals, which city in the U.S. was the most noir, children in film noir, “post-modern noir”, and more. We wind up with a spirited discussion about who we would cast in a THE THIN MAN remake. On the cat front, Charlotte is a background player; Emily and Tizzy won’t come out of their trailers.  Want your question answered in a future episode? We solicit questions from our email subscribers in our monthly newsletters. Sign up for free at https://www.filmnoirfoundation.org/signup.htmlEveryone who signs up on our email list and contributes $20 or more to the Film Noir Foundation receives the digital version of NOIR CITY Magazine for a year. Donate here:https://www.filmnoirfoundation.org/contribute.html

This week’s questions:  

1. Is there such a thing as a noir musical? —Loren from Chicago    

2. Which city in the U.S. is or was the most noir, and why? —Kathleen from Chicago  

3. Eddie, do you have a favorite movie studio to visit in L.A.? What studio tour you recommend if one could only take one tour?   —Alan, San Anselmo, CA    

4. I have always wondered about Mildred Pierce’s clothing on the day that she is questioned by the police.  She is wearing a fur coat and fur hat.  Is that normal for LA?  Didn't anyone question the choice?  —Elizabeth   

 5. Since Hollywood was still suffering under the code, I wonder if that was the reason the Dix Steele in IN A LONELY PLACE went from a serial killer in print to just another angry male on the screen.  Maybe it was more of the audience not being willing to see Bogie as a strangler of women. —Mark    

6. Can you recommend noir films that feature children, and were there child actors who appeared in several noirs?—Phil, Dedham MA    

7. I'm wondering if the Foundation or TCM have come across a good Technicolor print of SLIGHTLY SCARLET.—Jerry   

 8. Neo-noir spans more decades than the original classic era. If we consider the beginning of neo-noir to be from 1960 onwards, is it fair to start defining neo-noir into different chunks. For instance, I’m starting to hear chatter that there is a post-modern neo-noir period we are living in. —Brett, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada    

9. I'm wondering your thoughts on BLOW THE MAN DOWN and if you consider it noir.—Ryan, Valley Village, CA    

10. Eddie, what was the first noir film you saw? How old were you, where did you see it, and did you realize there was something “special” about it?—Janet

[hollygl125]

#about me

Tagged by @coping-via-clint-eastwood. (Fun! Thank you!)

1. If you were to attend a costume party tonight, what or whom would you go as?

Miss (Ms.) Scarlet or Mrs. (Ms.) Peacock (depending on whether a red or blue dress is fitting best), with the candlestick (candlestick as prop), in the library (book as prop). (If the party’s really dull, the second prop comes in handy!

2. What are your choice of toppings on a hamburger? And do you prefer gas or charcoal grilling?

Charcoal would be great if available. I don’t eat red meat, so it will have to be a chicken/turkey burger, a fish burger, or a veggie burger. Ideal burger toppings may include: cheddar cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, red onion, pickles, sautéed mushrooms, aioli, French’s mustard, relish.

3. You are chosen to have lunch with the President. The condition is you only get to ask one question. What do you ask?

What’s next?

4. It's your first day of vacation, what are you doing?

Trying to work up the energy to do whatever I planned to be doing.

5. What is your concession stand must-have at the movies?

Junior Mints or Glosette raisins.

6. Which do you dislike most: pop-up ads or spam email?

Ads.

7. What do you think Captain Hook's name was before he had a hook for a hand?

James.

8. Rock, paper, or scissors?

Scissors?

9. How long was it from ‘the first date’ until the proposal of marriage? How long until the wedding?

This is Tumblr, so I’m just going to move straight to applying this to the fandom context. In that case, it was roughly a decade for our two lovely science nerds. 🐝🦋💕

10. Which is worse, being in a place that is too loud, or too quiet?

Too loud.

11. What is one quality that you really appreciate in a person?

Kindness. (Agreed.)

I will also second @figsr’s answer: understanding.

12. At the good old general store, what particular kind of candy would you expect to be in the big jar at the counter?

Maybe gum balls? Or I could go for a jaw breaker.

13. What is the most distinguishing landmark in your city?

Probably the mountains, though they’re not technically in the city. As part of the city itself, there’s a very large park with a lot of trees and a lot of water around it. It’s very nice.

14. Everyone hears discussions that they consider boring. What topic can put you to sleep quicker than any other?

General business affairs? Golf maybe? My parents discussing mulch over Mother’s Day tea?

15. How many times did it take you to pass your driver's test?

One.

16. If you had to have the same topping on your vanilla ice cream for the rest of your life, what topping would you choose?

Hot fudge, baby.

17. What food item would need to be removed from the market altogether in order for you to live a healthier, longer life?

On the one hand, cheese. But, on the other hand, cheese is often how I convince myself to eat healthy foods…. (Salad? Add cheese! Roasted veggies? Add cheese!)

18. You are offered an envelope that you know contains $50. You are then told that you may either keep it or exchange it for another envelope that may contain $500 or may be empty. Do you keep the first envelope, or do you take your chances with the second?

I hate risk and I’ve been given no odds, so right now I’m sticking with what I’ve got. (“Hey, maybe this envelope has more” does not sound very promising.)

19. If you had to choose, which would you give up: TV, or internet?

Assuming my devices can still access streaming, iTunes, etc., then definitely I would give up my TV.

20. Who is your dream girl or boy from movies/TV?

First things first: I really love love. I would say I’m a romantic; F. Scott—if he were alive and we were personally acquainted—would say I’m sentimental, because I always want happy endings.

So I love Gil Grissom, but I love him for Sara Sidle. I love both characters individually, but I love their love story (their love for each other) more. Similarly, I love Josh Lyman for Donna Moss, Logan Echolls for Veronica Mars (though, four years later, I’m still not ready to talk about that one), Ben Wyatt for Leslie Knope, Seth Cohen for Summer Roberts, and so on.

I think one of the only characters I’ve ever loved really primarily for myself has been Dr. John Carter (although I also liked him with Lucy 😭). I’m also fond of Dr. Spencer Reid. Oh, and… uh… I would totally go for some conjugal visits with Jakes Bridges. 🔥🔥🔥

Mostly, though, if I’m looking to daydream for myself, I will come up with an OC who fits into my own life and shares attributes with various characters (and/or people) I like.

Of course, these days I am pretty much exclusively using Sara and Grissom as my personal imaginary Barbies, so I can push their heads together and actually make them KISS (as well as undertake other activities involving various states of undress), ffs. 💕

21. Have you ever met a celebrity?

I got my picture taken with my celebrity husband (local professional sports hero) at a restaurant once and got an autograph from him and some other players another time. (I’ve had the same celebrity husband since the ‘90s. He is currently participating in an awareness campaign on intimate partner violence, likely cementing this as a lifelong commitment. Honestly there’s nothing sexier to me than a hot man speaking in support of women’s rights.)

As for celebrities people elsewhere might know… I didn’t meet him, but Robert de Niro (he of just becoming a dad again at the age of 79 fame) kind of looked over at me and my mom when he walked past us in an otherwise empty inner courtyard in his NYC hotel. Also, I again didn’t meet him, but my mom talked to Matt Bomer in NYC when he was filming Suits and brought me a note from him. Oh, plus I once rode a hotel elevator with Scott Speedman and his dog. I ate dinner on a patio near Sara Chalke. I once saw Robert Carlyle in the grocery-store checkout, and I’m convinced I walked past Jason Lee in a clothing store. I was on a plane from NYC with Ally Sheedy. But actually met? I don’t really think so.

22. What kind of lunch box did you have as a kid?

My Little Pony, I think (I hope!). (I’m talking good, ‘80s Ponies here.) Maybe Care Bears? I’m certain it was pink. 🦄🦄🦄

If you feel inclined to participate, please consider yourself tagged!

[coping-via-clint-eastwood]

Tagged by @echoanddust

1. If you were to attend a costume party tonight, what or whom would you go as?

I wouldn't go to a party either lmao

2. What are your choice of toppings on a hamburger? And do you prefer gas or charcoal grilling?

Gas. I like lettuce and sauce and a fried egg.

3. You are chosen to have lunch with the President. The condition is you only get to ask one question. What do you ask?

May I have your shoelaces?

4. It's your first day of vacation, what are you doing?

5. What is your concession stand must-have at the movies?

Caramel popcorn 🤤🤤

6. Which do you dislike most: pop-up ads or spam email?

Ads.

7. What do you think Captain Hook's name was before he had a hook for a hand?

Um, his actual name I guess? And he could've gotten his hook before he became a captain anyway.

8. Rock, paper or scissors?

Rock.

9. How long was it from 'the first date' until the proposal of marriage? How long until the wedding?

Uuummm the romantic relationship I've ever had is with a fictional character, so I'll answer using that. We got engaged maybe one and a half years into dating? Because we've always been best friends even before that. And it was under two weeks til the wedding, because we didn't have a big do and so didn't have to plan shit; we just had a union by law in a courthouse with our found family and his biological mom as witnesses.

10. Which is worse, being in a place that is too loud, or too quiet?

I literally have misophonia. Being in a place that is dead silent is HEAVEN for me.

11. What is one quality that you really appreciate in a person?

Kindness.

12. At the good old general store, what particular kind of candy would you expect to be in the big jar at the counter?

Those small spherical lollipops. I believe Americans call them suckers.

13. What is the most distinguishing landmark in your city?

Uuuuuuhhhhhh...honestly I'd have to say the mall. It's notable because instead of being tall, it's long.

14. Everyone hears discussions that they consider boring. What topic can put you to sleep quicker than any other?

Politics 🥱🥱🥱🛌🏻🛌🏻🛌🏻

15. How many times did it take you to pass your driver's test?

Once! 😄

16. If you had to have the same topping on your vanilla ice cream for the rest of your life, what topping would you choose?

I like my vanilla ice cream just the way it is man. No toppings for me, no sirree.

17. What food item would need to be removed from the market altogether in order for you to live a healthier, longer life?

Um...either rice or potatoes 😔

18. You are offered an envelope that you know contains $50. You are then told that you may either keep it or exchange it for another envelope that may contain $500 or may be empty. Do you keep the first envelope, or do you take your chances with the second?

I hate maths and fortunately I never have to perform calculations because I never take risks 😎✌🏻✌🏻

19. If you had to choose, which would you give up: TV, or internet?

With the internet, I can STILL watch TV so.......

20. Who is your dream girl or boy from movies/TV?

BOY IF MY BLOG DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT

21. Have you ever met a celebrity?

No :(

22. What kind of lunch box did you have as a kid?

Also the non-existent kind lmao

Tagging @addictedtostorytelling @agentkalgibbs @buildinggsr @figsr @gas0line-f0rest @hollygl125

[pbandjesse]

Today was a really busy day! Which felt really good. I am very tired but it was a good day and I feel accomplished.

I didnt sleep amazing. I would wake up a lot. James told me they woke up and were like, wow that was a terrible sleep, and then looked at the clock and it was 1230. So that sums up how not good it was.

It didnt help that it was grey outside. It would storm later on, but would actually be beautiful for most of the day. I had a pretty easy ride into camp. And I arrived around 8.

I struggled this morning though. When I got to camp the plan was to go and spray paint the tables. I got them all dry and clean and started. I got through the first table and started the second when my paint stopped working. That's okay I have a second one. This one worked beautifully for about 30 seconds and then just. Nothing. It was absolutely full but nothing would come out. I was so upset. I didn't know what to do and was having a terrible time.

I decided I would drive up to arts and see if I had another primer and I did! But this one also didn't work despite being full and I was so upset. I texted Heather and she said it was okay and we would come up with a solution later (turns out her husband sells paint and he will bring me primer next week). But I needed a moment to calm down I was so upset and frustrated.

While I was driving around camp trying to sort this out I ran into one of the leaders of the group coming at 10. He was there at 830 because he had something to do in the area so I told him he could hang out in the lodge. But then once I got to the office I realized that his group would actually be in the dodge house. Oops. So after stopping to take 45 pictures of a wooly caterpillar I went to tell him where he could go.

The walk there helped. I felt a little calmer. And would take a different walk back and just enjoyed being in nature and how beautiful it was today. My mood improved greatly.

I had to answer some emails. I accidently replied to the office and not the teacher for my feildtrips on Tuesday so I had to send an apology and get all her questions answered and I felt very stupid for messing that up again. I am just so bad at replying all!! Like I was told not to do it my entire 20s and now I'm supposed to do it all the time. Ugh. Thankfully the teacher got back to me quickly and it was all fine.

Me and Sarah would go to the dodge house and waited for the group. This was funny though because we were expecting 20 middle schoolers but they were actually 8 highschoolers. And honestly that was better.

So instead of breaking into two groups we stayed together. I would have them for team building, then Sarah taught them archy and bbs, and Sarah and Nick would do Zipline. And finally, before lunch, we would go see the horses.

And they were such a great group of boys. First we did team wall and they got everyone up and over in 1 minute and 10 seconds, which is the fastest time I have ever seen a group do that. Very impressed. I kept laughing cause it was hilarious to me that they just basically bounced everyone up.

Next we did A frames. Sarah had gone and set up bbs and archery but once she came back we were able to run both frames with the chaperones. The kids were better at it go early. The adults over thought it, and I like to let people try their ideas without me telling them the solution but the adults were actively not doing what I told them would work so I was like alright, you fail then. Which did end up just hurting me because I was on a rope but it's all good.

We finished up there with whale watcher which they liked. Took them a bit but they had good techniques and it was fun. 2 minutes and 6 seconds was their best time. Which is pretty good! Most groups don't get past a minute.

I passed the lead to Sarah and we walked to archery. I enjoyed talking to everyone. And it was fun watching Sarah explain things. I might get archery certified. Might be fun.

I would leave them to keep working in the office. I wanted to start thinking about the free choice program for next summer. I would tosk to Heather and Alexi about it and made lists and started mapping out those ideas. Which I think will be really fun. I think it will help with the apathy that seems to have settled over camp that makes me a little crazy. I want people to be all in and whatever I can do to help that is important to me.

I had a really nice conversation with Alexi about that and her hopes for next year. It made me feel good that I can help make things happen.

Elizabeth would be working on building the new Ikea desks with Heather. But it was very slow going. Lots of drawers and little parts. She was getting frustrated plus everything was dusty. We would help later.

But in the meantime Joe asked me to drive with him up to the barn, where I would drive him back in the gator. Can do. He had to figure out where his keys were so after we carried all the Ikea boxes (which were very heavy!!) out of the truck bed I waited for him in the truck for a few minutes.

It was fun driving the gator. I also just enjoy talking to Joe. Even when he's grumpy I do really like him and think he's a really nice man. We chatted about camp projects and cars. And after dropped him off at the office I drove back to the dodge house to meet the group.

They were still at horses so I went and met them there. They were very excited to pet the horses and feed them. A few of them kept announcing that that was what they were doing which was very funny. It was a very sweet experience. I'm so glad they had fun. We found out that the reason the group was so small was because everyone else in the group chose to go to Hersey park instead!!! They chose us over a theme park! That's so cool.

And they really did like it. After we left the horses I told them to wash their hands before pizza. And then once we were seated I told them all about camp and encouraged them to apply to be counselors next year and all of them were raising their hands saying they want to apply and had questions but it was great. I really hope they do apply because I loved their energy and I think they would do well to bring that energy to camp. Like they are similar to Tony and Manny. Just cool and young but will still be a little camp cringy and it's perfect. That's what we need.

They would share their pizza with us. Which we appreciated. And then I drove me and Sarah and Nick back to the office.

Where Elizabeth was very much struggling because she realized she put the desk together wrong. It was all upside down and she has stripped all the screws trying to take it apart and she was super upset and stressed about her Halloween costume because she needed grey paper. And so we told her we would handle the desks and I was pretty sure I had grey paper. I would run up to the art building when she said she couldn't find it and I was able to find some large sheets and saved the day. She complimented how tidy the art building was and I wished her luck with her costume (her and her friends are going to be crayons) and told her to have a nice weekend.

When I got back to the office the wedding was starting to use our porch for their gift bags for their guests as they come in. So I put all the recycling away and we brought in all the Ikea.

And then me and Sarah got to work. Heather would help. It was not going well at first be ause I didn't understand the Ikea nuts which are actually cam locks. So after watching a YouTube video I was able to use my pocket tool and it came apart easily. Which felt good. Getting it back together correctly took some thinking. Me and Heather and Sarah struggled through it was we did eventually figure it out. We had to take it apart a little more but we would get it. And soon we had a desk!! Sarah put the top on and started putting the drawers in and building the next set of drawers while I started building the next desk.

And I made the same mistake Elizabeth did!!! I put the top and bottom on backwards. Ugh. Thankfully I knew how to fix it now and it only took a minute. I was so mad at myself though because it was literally the same mistake. And I shd been so careful. Terrible.

Heather was in the main office building a chair while we did our desk building. The uncle of the groom was just talking our ears off through the door. Which was fine but Sarah was like. He needs to go somewhere that is not here. Which was funny. Even the guy's wife was like, maybe we should get moving, mostly because she was really cold. And the storm was coming in. The sky was turning grey.

Once the second desk was done I got my stuff and headed out. Wished everyone a nice weekend. And was on the road.

It was a long drive home. Mostly fine, it did start raining and it was a little heavy for a minute. I would get home at 440. And was really happy to be back.

I put my stuff away and took a shower. I started working on a project with my charm collection and while I was doing that James came home! I was happy to see them but pretty quickly they had to head to get their mom to take her to get their new car.

While they were gone I wouldnt do much. I mostly was just really tired.

And so I got in bed. Which is where I have remained. James would make spaghetti when they got home. We are in bed together. They went and worked on their editing for the podcast and I watched videos and was just a lump in bed.

Now though it is time to sleep. I am very ready. I have a long day tomorrow. With the market and then an event at the museum. I miss being an educator there sometimes but I really love what I'm doing now. It's nice I can pop back in sometimes. Though I am sad to miss dinner with James's cousins tomorrow it's alright. I hope they have fun.

Sleep well everyone. Until next time!

[hoperays-song]

Things Gooseless Did During Their Finals Weeks

(Because my school is bloody insane and my finals are over like two weeks instead of one. It’s like they want us to get ulcers.)

-----------------------------------

1. Spammed their english professor with literary memes.

2. Wrote frog comics on the bottom of the paragraph response forms in environmental science.

3. Somehow slept for 17 hours straight immediately after my first Friday exam... I typically have insomnia, I pretty sure my family thought I was going into a coma.

4. Got compared to Hunter from The Owl House because of my eye bags twice in one day.

5. Pulled a few all nighters to turn in late assignments that even my professors forgot I had. I still barely passed but hey, I passed.

6. Had a sensory overload and a migraine attack because I wasn’t allowed headphones in the silent testing lab. And no I wasn’t allowed to wear them after either. Yay.

7. Had to write the sentence, “Asian carp have invaded Lake Eerie”, on previously mentioned environmental science final and immediately thought about that one news dude who made everyone believe aliens were invading.

8. Wrote three essays about warrior cats books. :)

9. Put fun facts in my answer book when I got bored and didn’t know how to respond to the prompt... So for every prompt. 

10. Bashed my art history professor on those essay response forms by listing everything I argued with him about all year. If you can’t tell, I’m petty apparently.

11. Drew a truly awful self portrait. Like next level horrible. :)

12. Wrote commentary on every question on my English (second) exam. Like actual running commentary on the questions. My teacher just sighed when she saw it (she laughed though, glared at me, but laughed while grading it).

13. Cried four times in one day. That was fun.

14. Found out that banana pudding has layers?!?!?! And is actually vanilla pudding with bananas?!?!?

15. Binged the whole of Netflix’s Queen Charlotte solely for the annoyed gay butlers trying to parent trap their bosses. 

16. Found three of said professors emails and now have a way to get in touch with them after graduation (NEXT WEEK!!!!), because they honestly know waaaayyyyy too much about my life for me not to at this point.

17. Correctly guessed how many questions I would get right on my mathematics final (80% baby).

18. Baked four whole trays of cookies to give to my professors as an end of year gift. I was a horrible student. They deserve at least cookies.

19. Started planning out a tattoo for me to get. :)

20. Wrote two thousand more words of the continuation fic as well as started on a few short ones for a different fandom and the warriors au.

21. Took a very unplanned hiatus (still not back, sorry y’all).

22. Watched a total of twenty hours of movie and tv show analysis videos within three days. 

23. Reached one year in one of my recovery programs and three months in another!!!!!!!!

24. Had to say goodbye to my friends and my daughter since now I won’t be in school with them next year (still in contact with several of them, daughter including, just can’t see her in person due to me moving). It sucked.

25. Worked on more character backstories that will be coming soon. Hopefully. As in once I get off hiatus, expect like four angsty backstories.

[camoooh]

Got tagged by @guywiththeroses (thank you ily) to answer some questions lets fuckin goooo 🤙

1. If you were to attend a costume party tonight, what or whom would you go as?

hmm. probably 80's boy george because hello, fun

2. What are your choice of toppings on a hamburger? And do you prefer gas or charcoal grilling?

whatever's going really, i like lots of sauces, gotta have lettuce and tomato on it too. i love cheese but it doesn't like me so probably not that, rip. and gas/charcoal like what's better for cooking with or for the taste? i wouldn't know the difference for either tbh

3. You are chosen to have lunch with the President. The condition is you only get to ask one question. What do you ask?

no question, just a staring contest. he who wins, takes the oval office. i'm your president now, i'm going to fix it all (i don't even live in the U.S)

4. It’s your first day of vacation, what are you doing?

making sure the car has petrol, worrying I've left something behind, figuring out the layout of the building, finding all the exits

5. What is your concession stand must-have at the movies?

Nothing, i used to smuggle in my own stuff

6. Which do you dislike most: pop-up ads or spam email?

spam emails die quietly in my inbox that i never check. pop ups count as jump scares and make me violent

7. What do you think Captain Hook’s name was before he had a hook for a hand?

Captain gurrrl what shampoo do you use, your hair is luscious

8. Rock, paper, or scissors?

rock

9. How long was it from ‘the first date’ until the proposal of marriage? How long until the wedding?

i have never been engaged/ married

10. Which is worse, being in a place that is too loud, or too quiet?

Both can be equally as awful depending on my mood

11. What is one quality that you really appreciate in a person?

noticing and remembering small details

12. At the good old general store, what particular kind of candy would you expect to be in the big jar at the counter?

this post is very american but growing up in england it was always a big ole jar of humbugs

13. What is the most distinguishing landmark in your city?

the volcano probably

14. Everyone hears discussions that they consider boring. What topic can put you to sleep quicker than any other?

Agreeing with Dane on this one, celebrity gossip switches off my brain so fast. i don't care

15. How many times did it take you to pass your drivers test?

in NZ there's three exams to get your license, your learners (like a written exam) which i passed first time, restricted license (can drive but within curfew and no passengers) i had to take 3 times, and full license (go for it, no restrictions) which i passed first time. i taught myself to drive so i'm not surprised it took a few attempts

16. If you had to have the same topping on your vanilla ice cream for the rest of your life, what topping would you choose?

not really a sweet/ ice cream person but i think strawberries would be good with it, or fruit in general

17. What food item would need to be removed from the market altogether in order for you to live a healthier, longer life?

tbh my diet isn't what's stopping me from living a long healthy life, its cigarettes

18. You are offered an envelope that you know contains $50. You are then told that you may either keep it or exchange it for another envelope that may contain $500 or may be empty. Do you keep the first envelope, or do you take your chances with the second?

eh fuck it take the chance, go for the $500

19. If you had to choose, which would you give up: TV, or internet?

i already don't watch tv, i just stream everything, so give up tv i guess

20. Who is your dream girl or boy from movies/tv?

tbh i don't really have one? i always just look at characters and go yeah wow they're cool i'd like to be buddies with them

21. Have you ever met a celebrity?

nope

22. What kind of lunch box did you have as a kid?

didn't eat lunch, the times i did have food it was just loose in my school bag lmao

23. What would you rather have, a nanny, a housekeeper, a cook, or a chauffeur?

a cook, i hate cooking with a passion, need someone to make sure i eat right

24. Would you rather be trapped in an elevator, or stuck in traffic?

traffic, easy, you've got music and a comfy seat, and lots of people in the same situation, its chill. stuck in a lift? i'm laying on the floor and accepting my fate. this is how i die

25. Lets say a brick fell on your foot, and your kid is standing right next to you, what is your ‘cleaned up’ swear word?

I will straight up swear in front of a child, they'll live. but sometimes its fun to blurt out random words that aren't even relevant, like "mozzarella!" or "traffic cone" or "Azerbaijan" (the last one i've used a lot recently it's just satisfying to say)

this was fun, i tag @echoanddust and whoever else wants to join 🤙

[crater-lake]

122

6/14/24

I am afraid to start writing because it won't be right and I have so much to say at once that it hurts to start and I am afraid I may become annoyed at my phone for how it sometimes misplaces words. I blame it like being irrationally angry at a pet. And it is marking everything grammatically incorrect.

I have experienced a lot of beauty over the last five days and it feels imperative to put it down for a few minutes and then maybe see these moments in a sweet dream and share it with people whom I love (I know a lot about cases.) There is also an indescribable feeling to going home that makes everything feel riptide, like a balloon about to blink out, the death of electricity in a storm.

Valencia Beach when that December I was walking across the sand barefoot and I knew it was a purgatory place. I was at the beach last evening with Jordi and we were sitting too close together. He put sun cream on me (interference from Spanish) and pressed into my muscles. His lips were at the door of my nape. Why not use the word if it exists? That is what it's like to get fucked really good as a man, by the way. I don't know everything but feeling secretly clever is delicious and private. Afterwards, I put sun block on him and dug into his muscles.

Conversation was becoming difficult to have because of our attraction to one another. He was so beautiful that I was shocked he found me attractive back but in 2021 I died and even in 2018 I was dying all of the time, it wasn't even fun. But he looked at me. The way the eyes go slack and molecules still. I asked if I could kiss him and he said yes. I did for two seconds and then ran into the Mediterranean. The sun shone so brightly, the sky was a hard blue. Palm trees wavered and strangers around us felt jealous of the gay boys touching each other on a sandy towel. All I have ever wanted is to be wanted at the beach when bodies are on display. I saw couples and didn't wince at all. I felt envied and therefore American and therefore immune.

I was in the waves and I heard uncle ACE in my head and felt grateful for everything. One hour earlier I had found out I moved on to the next stage of the writing job I applied for this summer, which was really gratifying. I am hoping I get chosen and I won't let the existence of my hope drag me into potentially patheticness. I am allowed to want and hope even if it doesn't comes true and it does not mean I am naive. I think I am a good fit and it would be a loss for them to not have me! So I will do what I can! I actually danced in the street when I got the email because I was literally thinking, "imagine if before this date, they email you about the next stage!" And lo and behold, there it was in my inbox. I was so happy it felt dangerous, like I would be smote by God if I rejoiced any more. Because when you have so much joy, you must ask, what did I do to deserve this? And that answer is at most half you. So the sanctity and sweetness. I am savoring the days of being 20 so much and I am doing great work at being a better lover, friend, sibling, and professional.

I was making out with him on the beach feeling beautiful. He had this face that was so lovely. He told me he knew I would like him and that he put the challengers soundtrack in his bio on purpose to get my attention. We saw a naked biker together. We were horny together on that beach. I had texted Miquel if we could come back to the apartment to fuck and he didn't respond for an hour. As we were walking around and discussing what to do, I said that this could be an interesting lesson in trying to appreciate what we could experience together. But we wanted to fuck each other so bad which literally made my abdomen buzz. I felt almost sick. Miquel responded at the moment I decided to be mindful about it, which feels like God rewarding my gratitude, because I was saying that I would appreciate the moments even if they didn't culminate in sex.

I brought him to the apartment. Diego and Miquel saw us and were about to leave to go downtown. (This feels like the wrong translation.) I introduced Jordi, who was there being beautiful. At this exact instant, the other roommates came back and it was a whirlwind. I shoved Jordi in Miquel's room and wait to the bathroom to prepare myself and thought about Jordi in the room waiting for me. I ran back.

I grabbed the bag with lube and condoms. We looked at each other ecstatically. And then we fucked. It was hot and heavy and he felt so good on top of me and under me. He said I felt so good. His face kept saying oh my god. He kept muttering about how beautiful I was and I asked with my eyes for more more more more. I was being fucked on Miquel's bed, Miquel who did not reciprocate my feelings for one reason or another, with his consent, with someone who made me feel special, attractive, and powerful. The sex felt really good.

I am glad I didn't fuck Jorge, who is a horny little fuck who jerks off twice a day and has a small dick. If he was less desperate, it would be better. Jordi was tall, slender, and knew how to touch me. Being gay is the only thing that makes sense to me. I beheld his beautiful face while he was inside of me and almost cried. His face almost looked pained and he thrusted and I knew what I needed to know. We were two beautiful boys together alive. Thank you whatever is greater than me that is listening forever or once. And I am feeling confused about thank you and goodbye.

I watched him shower. The girls shut the door to the living room. We left to get him to Valencia Cabanyal and I was exhausted and hungry and he kept talking aware that my energy was low. I kissed him goodbye. I was wearing my bathing trunks, new shirt, and slides. No underwear. My hunger hung low off me. I didn't know where my pink backpack was and my things were all over the living room. The ground crawled with debris and dust which crusted to my feet. The bed where I slept creaked and stuck to my bare skin.

He left and I went back to the apartment. I showered everything except my salt water hair. I was sunkissed and young. I didn't have to struggle to keep everything inside. My ass was raw and loved. When a man fucks you, it leaves an echo and I like what it requires. I am a runner and someone who deals with pain well. I pay the price for intensity all of the time. This feels like the natural conclusion of who I am. It feels completely right to love men and everything they are and represent. I love feeling a man embrace me and how secure it is and I love the angle of a man's back. I just think they are so beautiful.

At the beach Jordi was picking my blackheads which stung, which I said I liked. But to pay me back for the pain, he said he would pay me in kisses. His lips were soft. My dad watches war movies and Jordi makes my lips bleed. I get it. I get it.

I went to KFC and ate so fast. I went back to the apartment and thanked Miquel and then texted my good friends what happened. It was hard to sleep having been touched and loved in that way. I was resting my head on his lap at the beach and he meant it. He was gazing down and I said don't stop. Don't look away. We were bigger than the ocean. The ocean was jealous of our legs and lips. He said he had a big dick and I was whatever hunger might mean if a word hungers for another word. It is sometimes hard to write because in my head the words and feelings are not separated but in my phone there are only words and we put the feelings back. I might come back to this in a long time but that doesn't make me afraid like it did in 2018. I told Jordi I would bring him home with me.

I watched Molly Brodak this morning on the Great American Baking Show and knew I had a lot of work to do to keep being real and building ways to feel real. It requires most of my attention.

Yesterday I went on a run and didn't know I would get sex later. I cared about myself anyways and had fun and not because I am good or bad but brave. Jordi just messaged me asking how I am and I want to fold in the whimper my heart is making against my lungs. I think my hearts wants to breath or my lungs want to drown.