#and also said that part of the reason hes “not human” is becuase he cant adapt to different social situations

[skys-archive]

If you're trying to legitimately argue that anyone is less than human you are the problem.

I don't care if you think they're a horrible person. I don't care if they're racist, or homophobic, or a bigot. I don't care if their an addict, I don't care if they're a criminal. I don't care if for whatever reason you think they are a horrible person.

They are not less than human.

You're only hurting anyone who identifies with that person. Anyone who sees themselves in that person is being hurt by that. Anyone who someone else equates with that person is hurt by that. Anyone who is vaguely like this "less than human" person can be seen as just as horrible whether they actually are or not.

And honestly, it doesn't matter if they're a horrible person. They deserve basic fucking human decency.

Just say you think they're a horrible person. It's not that hard. It's just as easy to say. It let's your opinion be known without being an asshole just to be an asshole.

NEVER call anyone less than human. Ever. You are part of the problem.

[silentstaresfanficandfanart]

:O thank you! i hope it helps <3 as someone who's written 3 original books, makes video games, and also writes a TON of fanfiction, it honestly makes writing SO much better, I would hate for other folks to lose their love of writing because they're worrying too much... Besides we all complain a lot about things being based on whats most popular and most acceptable, but its easy to fall into that trap when it comes to writing. Too many authors write "normal" books. books that fit whats popular, with words that are good but they had no fun writing, too many authors are trying to be perfect because theyre scared they wont make a living that way, but ill be honest the only authors ive bothered learning the names of, are the ones that were willing to be kind of weird first. theres a reason almost every great author in history breaks the writing rules, a lot of people just know the rules exist and try to follow them, but most don't know how to USE them concoiusly knowing why the tools work, and i think the same goes for conventional word usage. theres a lot of times people will be like "said is dead" but also give conflicting advice like "actually stop saying things other than said its annoying and i dont want to read you saying growled or flapped his hands around as he spoke or things like that, just say said!" And I think thats partially because people mistake personal preference for rules too...i got a bit rambly here i think but i hope that this helps encourage other writers to have some fun.

ill be honest thats actually part of why i got into reading romance novels, theyre a LOT more willing to do fun things like, have cowboy weredragons be a thing (actual book that exists!) and not worry about if its "cringe" because theyve already kinda accepted that romance books are considered "cringe" by people who dont read romance novels. Ive been practicing letting myself just have fun- : ) that's part of why in my book Halcyon (spoilers) theres a magic system that allows for weird stuff like palentologists turning into an ever-shifting spinosaurus because they riled up the spinosaurus's spirit while arguing at a palentology convention type thing at a museum and it got ticked off with him about how humans can never stop arguing about how spinosaurus actually lived, so it attached itself to him and now the guys got spinosaurus body horror powers, and i made it that way specifically becuase i wanted the villain to have the power of "love" and i wanted to figure out how to make the power of love *scary* and while the villain who REALLY utilized it in scary ways is long since dead now, his son and the people in his life he left behind when he died still carries on the same powers and struggles with the trauma related to those powers. i know its not normal for a super hero story to even have a proper magic system, usually its just each character has their own weird sort of mini hard magic system attached to them for weird arbitrary usually science fiction type reasons, and i was a bit unsure if i should do it this way, but its led to WILD story possibilities and a protagonist i LOVE. Do weird things! because everything amazing and unexpected is weird by default because anything outside the norm IS weird. You cant BE amazing if you are too afraid to be abnormal! so get weird! and remember more than anything to TRY to do what sounds fun to you, not just what's predictable or normal! and if sometimes that means you wind up with weird dialogue or made fun of a little...well great! that means someones reading your book >: ) so youve already won~

Just in case any fanfic writers don’t think their writing is good enough or sound natural enough, I just read a published book that included the phrases ‘a street savy yet affectionate hand clasp’ and ‘ at the sound, a dose of freak-out juice ran through her’. You’re doing fine

[lizandbo]

cuddling w/ mha bois<3

Kirishima

-ok, but like c’mon this man is the fcuking definition of “cuddles4life”

- the best cuddles by far

- if he would be goin in the contest for who’s the best cuddling partner it would be him

- i would like to think either he loves spooning you or/ and facing each other and talking about whatever the fuck ya want and give occasional kisses n pecks

- he loves to cuddle you, anytime and anywhere he could get his cuddles he would

- in his sleep, he would sprawl out like a mf starfish

- numerous of times he pushed you off the bed becuase of it

- it wasn’t fun when he woke up, and see you weren’t there...so was trying to look for you cuz like...he needs his cuddlingz>:O

- but then he stepped on you, trampled a bit, left for you to fucking perish from being stepped on like a mcfucking rat

- so yeah you def woke up then

- anyway, besides you dying on the ground... comfort cuddling is a fuckin must

- always always always cuddles when you have a bad day

- cuddles everyday

- if you dont like cuddling well to fucking bad becuase here we are cuddling

- wait why did i say if you dont like cuddling..then why are you even reading about this, this is everything about cuddling

wtf is wrong with me

- completely covers you, no matter what, tall? Short? Extra meat on your bones? Who the fuck cares, he’s still cuddling you

- its his mission to cuddle you

- hugs are a must too

- also i headcanon he has to have a fan while sleeping too

bakugo

- when you asked for cuddles, he questioned “what the hell is that, a fighting move or sometin?”

- like, bro...never heard of C U D D L I N G?!

- he didnt really like cuddling at first, he didnt know what to do, where did he put his clammy ass hands? am i holding them too tight?

-its this whole big ordeal about him being stiff as a fucking board, and then he got too hot cuz he’s a human heater

- i almost said human eater

- BUT! After a month or so, he got the gist of it:)

- likes when your head is on his chest and vice versa

- but normally he wakes up weird, there is no telling if he’s gonna have a sleepy pillow fight with you while he’s sleeping because he still is dangerous in his fucking SLEEP

- softly talks in his sleep too

- but its not softly cuz like, god damnnn does he have a gravely voice

- its concerning? At least for meXD

- he also likes to lay on your thighs and lay his head on your stomach

- sweats in bed:( I’m sorry but he does

- every morning has sweat in the fucking bed

- you guys have no blanket, but yet he still fucking sweats

- anyways, I think he would be a light sleeper, so if you move in bed too much...he will wake you up and telling you that you woke him up

- but your like?? Ok, i woke you but why you have to wake me?? Bitch??

- but in his god damn peabrain thinks its a win win so;-;

- he wouldn’t cuddle during the day tho, he has a reputation to keep up

Midoriya

- flustered boi

- he’s a very cuddly person but at the same time tho, he doesnt know what to do

- i feel liek when he was a child, ya know how Inko was very close (and still very close) to midoriya?well, maybe they cuddled together?

- when he was having a bad day or somethinf

- he fucking LOVES cuddling

- he mumbles and rambles while cuddling a lot too

- either It would be hero’s, how much he loves you, etc

- basically everything under the fucking sun

- cuddles give his anxiousness a break for once

- his favorite position is liek hugging you built cuddling at the same time, does that make senseXD

- he has a lot snacks in the bed so he gets nasty ass crumbs in the bed

- but he does feed you snack at the same time so, how could you say no?

- late night snacks is a yes

- the snack choice is yours

- ok idk why this popped into my head..by what if they have like all might themed..goldfish or like teddy gram cracker thingys ya know?

- if they are real he would def have them

- looks at his phone at night too, so he would have one arm around you and scrolling on his phone:)

- while your here to fucking die like a mf shriveled up rat, suffocated from izuku’s neck

- ok, i never cuddled anyone but, everyone said I shove their heads into their s/o neck, but like wouldn’t they just cant breathe?

- I’m curiousXD

- ok this is about you and izuku cuddling not MY FUCKING THOUGHTS

- anyway, yeah, izuku loves to hold you in his arms, it makes you actually feel real

Todoroki

- stiff as a motherfuckin stone slab

- he doesnt know what to do when someone is touching him becuase he is a touch starved baby:(

- hair messy in the mornings too

- just like Bakugo, he would question what the fuck is cuddling

- i feel like he would find cuddling fun and precious becuase he never experienced it

- the only ’affection‘ that he would ever get was form Fuyumi, but it wasn’t really affection

- he has seen so many toxic relationships, cuddling never was spoken of

- BUT NOW HE KNOWS AND LOVES

- plus once you do it daily, he’s gonna act pretty pouty when you leave from a cuddling session

- but still has that stoic face™

- he likes spooning, he doesnt care if he is a lil spoon or a big one

- he really loves anything but..he does really like spooning

- it would be very...quiet

- it doesnt matter if you are cuddling in the middle of the day or at night

- he’s more a listener than a speaker, this might be obvious but oh well

- I just think he would love cuddles but if anyone interrupts then he’s gonna be more upset cuz liek...HE LOVES OYU AND WANNA HAVE THE BEST TIME IN THE WORLD WITH YOU-

- he’s a real simp for ya btw

denki

- movies + cuddling = Y E S

- he always has movies as a background becuase he doesnt really like silence

- he doesnt care if he sweats, he will have the blanket either way

- also a blanket hogger

- it would be good at some point becuase you wouldn’t sweat like him

- back to the movie part, he always watches the same damn thing over and over again

- to the point that he knows all the lyrics to multiple movies

- his favoircuddling position is when he’s on top of you

- I’m sorry but he sprawls like mf starfish too

- soemtimes you cant breathe...but we aint talking bout thattttt:)

- plays monster’s inc A LOT

- no matter how many fucking times he sees it, he still laughs in the funny parts of the movie like a fucking hyena

- plays video games a lot so hes gonna have a bunch of video game dates with you

-Mario cart and cuddles? Yes fucking please

- sign me the fuck up

- also the best at Mario cats and 60 seconds

- even tho you both are up at like 2AM playing video games and cuddling each other likethe life depends on you guys

- you.are.cuddling.no.matter.fucking.WHAT

- he likes to interlock his finngers too

- he ALSO (once againXD) likes to zap you for no fucking reason

- fucked up prick >:(

[currentfandomkick]

Bio! Dad Strange part 4

Shorter but a paris update for her life and a little on gotham with Jason as Robin while Tim is a hero Stalker.

Marinette is 7 when she changes schools, ordered into the Dupont school chain by her teachers since she was getting ‘difficult’ and contradicting their ciriculum. When they challeneged her on this, she went to the school board with Rolland beside her of all people.

The board agreed on one thing, Marinette’s contradictions were not only factually correct, but were done to prevent the outdated ciriculum from hurting her classmates. Instead of punishing her, she got to skip a gade and was given to Dupont as a ‘highly reccomended gifted student’.

Her first day she met Max, who also skipped a grade. The pair bond in five seconds over a new programming focused on learning emotional intelligence. Uncle Riddler was showing her it, and Max got his hands on a various ai bases. This led to then teaming up and designing the one and only Markov together, if only in schematics.

A week in and the two notice that some kids are being followed around by a guy with a bat. They report it. Again and again, but no one can find him.

One day he catches the pair on their way to Max’s—they wanted to work on their ai together, ok? The guy tries to hit Max, saying something about them being lucky metas that needed to suffer.

Marinette’s gotham training kicked in. She caught the bat, ripped it away from him and hit him in the chest with it, while yelling at max to run.

At the end of the incident, videotaped by a bystander, the Dupont Stalker was arrested.

Marinette was given another name by the police, ‘fille de batte’ or bat girl. Her having family in gotham only made the nickname more popular.

This put her on Kim and Alix’s radar. Kim wanted a challenge for fighting and competitions, and this tiny kid did that—to an adult! New friend and rival!

Alix was went from shock to joy as Marientte does art. She does art. Art friend to rant to found!

Nino ran into Marinette not long after Kim and Alix attached themselves to her and Max. Nino became their judge for Kim challenges. Including Mari pinning Kim to the mat, or deciding who did a circus move better (Mari won acrobatics).

Chloe doesnt go to dupont until next year, and sabrina is in another class, mildly concerned for Marinette.

In this au, again, Dupont is considered a ‘i would not be shocked if there were metas there’ school for gifted kids in any way.

Marinette is sent there for her insane science obsession at the time, but is also put in their arts program with Alix to develop as an artist with her medium, fabrics and fashion.

And if marinette redesigns hero outfits as “monsiuer ross, scribbles have more style, let alone fashion sense” alot, well. Kids get obsessed a lot and the Justice League is a common one, as are known villians. Her everyday outfits having different hero schemes—oddly enough some forensic scientist she’s obsessed with from some american city ended up in her mix—well. She’s a kid and showing signs a few types of anxiety.

Possible social and OCD and a developing case of perfectionism common to the arts program. The school has her see a therapist and know she isnt telling them everything beyong mild concern for her gotham family, and confusion over people just ‘not getting things’ as she is terribly smart and good at finding patterns and how do people not see it?

By the end of the year Marinette is in a strong friend group who’s parents and hers have decided to have joint custody during the school year.

She was now (forced) to learn vietnamese from Kim’s Grandparents, italian from Rolland (her nonno that has a Thing for tradition and somehow married Gina and raised Tom mostly on his own while running the bakery to boot), english from Father/Strange, Mandarin from her Maman and she started Arabic to talk with Nino’s aunt who kept saying marinette was her future in-law and point out that nino and her are friends, not dating ma’am.

However, Nino endured most of this with her-not the italian or Mandarin, but the others. Kim couldnt get Arabic but mandarin was a breeze for him. Alix cannot get vietnamese or arabic but Mandarin is her jam after french. Max just speaks french and english, he understands the others he just cant get the sounds right, ok?

When Marinette goes back to Gotham that summer, she ends up dealing with Hero Stalker Tim (jason is robin now) while looking for Red Hoodie who No oNE is telling her what happened and she’s worried, ok?

Tim feeds her obbsession with fixing problems. He sometimes sends her building layouts of places Catwoman stole from. And then the jewlry reappears thanks to a nervous Marinette coached by Rose and Ghoul while Frost handles her post-fix it freak out. Tim also may or may not get helped by her alot during Batman Stalking Time as she teaches his butt how to sneak and complains he’s worse than penguin.

Tim hates that, works on it, and still has nonidea who she is. He does admit to figuring out who batman may be, but needs more evidence so...

Marinette hits him becuase “thats dangerous!” And tries to lecture him in identites.

Batman’s radiowave was used for said lecture.

“And it puts their families in danger you, uh, hero stalker! And stuff so no more identity investigations!”

“They have the same builds, and did signsture moves from—“ the signal cutout.

He and Jason are more careful... ish. They change channels and monitor the old one.

Sometimes Batman catches Marinette and Tim talking about coldcases and she has asked three times if he heard anything about Jason’s street kid identity. Jason is feeling guilty about this as she’s his Pixie Pop. This lets Bruce know that the probably-clark’s-kid would keep Jason away from GCPD and CPS.

When a convo leads to Batman finding out Tim and Marinette have considered asking the police for help with a case of medicine that needed to be recalled as it was beign used to mule drugs contaminated the batches and hurt patients, but turned it down after she saw some taking bribes from Fish, Batman lets Gordon know and an investigation is launched.

While Bats is away, Jason visits marinette as Robin and tries to get her to bats for more information and a lecture on heroing without adult supervision. Maybe.

Only she’s currently stealing from a sleeping selina at another HQ. A Selina who has stopped trying to stop marinette and let riddler turn her house into one of his ‘traps’ to stop Marinette’s ‘return theiving’.

Jason gets stuck in a trap. Marinette is gone by then, scared Robin will tell Superman about her and he’ll hurt her family or something.

Catwoman is annoyed at Marinette’s sucess. She goes to stop the girl after leaving him tied up for Batman with a message: leave her new kitten-to-be alone.

Follow up talk post-Caught Marinette reverse theiving.

“Blame the Council’s decrees. She’s their little princess, and my new neice,” Catwoman watched Batman carefully.

Confused Batman in interrogator mode. “You mean the Court of Owls, arent they disbanded?”

“Bats, the council is gotham’s underground. Apparently Two-Face made the contracts as penance for scaring the Princess during a breakout. Unless you want an organized attack by the council, steer clear of her.”

Batman conencts the dots and curses himself. The girl he was looking for last summer is the Princess of Gotham’s underground. It will be hell finding her. And Superman/Clark will lose it when he’s told.

He lets the JL know about it, saying ‘possibly kyptonian clone, female child. Gotham’s underground is calling her their Princess. Connor and Kidflash tailed her last summer during the arkham breakout while Robin was with the Titans. Be alert for a small asian girl.’

That was how Marinette ended up on the JL watch list and how Superman had another existential crisis.

Dick freaks out with the Titans over this. Becuase kyltonian raised by villians is terrifying. Jason forwarded the message and adds on “she’s a good kid and wants to help. Somehow keeps zsasz and joker from killing people, so its not good to take her away or issolate her from the villians if you find her. From what i remember, she is terrified of her family beign put in danger. The others wont listen to me. If you can, pass this along to the other sidekicks and your allies—none of them trust me enough to listen. I cant talk to her as a civilian like i used to either for obvious reasons. And she’s terrified of me-Robin. Maybe you can get through to her, or someone else can. Just talk to her first, she’s more reasonsble than she looks”

Dick doesnt read the add on until much later and regrets it.

He met marinette once. She was a very excited kid babbling about aerodynamics in acrobatics and asking about that. Not hero things, not power things, or justice league but That.

He tried to be nice but he was having a horrible mission, saw the girl floating as she rambled and tried to grab her.

She freaked out and bolted, sort of. He got slammed into a building, or would have had she not caught him, rambled in french while trying to apologize (he was a but stunned from the throw, and rebooting as villian-kyptonian was... nice?) and put him on the roof, hit his communicator and said one thing.

“I think i broke your robin? All are robins like bird bones or something?”

He regained a functioning brain as that. That was something he could respond to.

“I am human thank you!”

That seemed to be enough for her as he moved to get up. She waved bye and bolted, something about Rose being mad at her for being late...

“Titans. I think we might have been wrong about the kid...”

Later with Young Justice the info was passed on.

Jason asked if anyone read his attachment and was met with silence. He groaned and told them “so another team she’s going to avoid... great.”

Marinette added the titans to her list of ‘people to aviod—tetch and Jerimah were the worst. Luthor and Cadmus were under them. Then the entire Justice League (they would tell batman or superman. Snitches.), followed by GCPD, CPS, the Bat Family and now Titans. She wonders if she needs to add anyone else, and hates that she cant talk to heroes. They could help with controlling her powers instead of suppressing them but she cant trust them not to give her to superman like batman did with Rose to Poison Ivy and she’s pretty sure Superboy too.

Next time, times marinette accidently put together identities and curses Hero Stalker Tim for her now knowing.

[indigopurple]

Basically a review of OP episode 503 ig

Currently rewatching post-war arc (in the dub so I don't have any screenshots for u guys sry) and theres a few things id like to point out.

During a conversation Dadan once had with Garp, they were talking about Roger. Garp said that even if they were facing powerful enemies, he would never run away because he wouldnt dare leaving his comrads behind; it wasnt an option for him. Obviously we see this in Ace. But ALSO, isnt this what he did with Katakuri? It was a little different cuz of the setting mostly, but he separated himself from his crew to fight off katakuri, and lied to them about being okay so they didn't worry (he was already getting his ass kicked by then, so he just made that stupid smile and told them not to worry (or smth like that, I can remember the exact line) (that smile was so gross and fake cuz he fucking sucks at lying). Also he said roger destroyed a buncha soldiers cuz they mouthed off his men. That's what Ace tried to do but instead he died. :(

"The pain he went through just made him hold on tighter to the ones he loved" -Garp, about Roger. "Despite his flaws and his bad reputation, his crew still trusted him completely." -also Garp, about Roger. These both sound a lot like Luffy AND Ace.

When Dogra got home and told everyone about Sabo's ship being shit down and him dying (which we all know didnt happen, thank fuck), (by the way the absolutely lost looks on Ace's and Luffy's faces with the sudden silence hurt like a bitch), Luffy started crying and said "WE SHOULDNT'A LET HIM GO, IT'S ALL OUR FAULT". Which fucking says something about him (thinking of episodes 913-915 when he goes fucking berserk, but before that he learns that Kaido probably killed Tama and he says "I should've escorted them..!" (*ugly cries*)). Ace also reacted pretty similarly-- "Sabo...why didn't we go back into town and bring him back here?! We're so stupid!" And he gets mad and asks where he could find the bastard that killed him (obviously not getting a good answer since it was a fucking celestial dragon ugh). That is what Luffy does, in present time. He results to anger first, not sadness. Not sure when he learned to do that but I'm 99 percent sure it was from Ace. Also the blaming himself thing? High chance thats ALSO from Ace. Who else would teach him that self hating behaviour?!

Dadan pins Ace down to stop him from going after the Celestial Dragon to calm him down, telling him he cant do anything, he's not big or strong enough to do anything and he'll be killed as soon as he tries anything, especially since it was the whole country -the whole WORLD- that killed Sabo. He can't do anything. And then they tied him to a tree outside to let him cool off. Oh yeah then he also told luffy to stop crying like a little girl or else he'll- (and he didn't finish the sentence). ...Ok maybe thats why luffy started being more angry than sad.

This is where things get a little more :( . Ace reads the letter Sabo sent them before he died. As he reads, he walks to the end of the forest, to a cliff overlooking the ocean. And starts fucking bawling (btw the voice actor who had Ace's childhood part did not do a very good job, no where near as in character and real as Coleen Clickenberg did with all of Luffy's crying scenes. She was spot on.) ...do you see where im going with that? He isolated himself before letting himself feel sad. It was all rage and then calm beforehand. Y-you see where im going with that. Dont make me say it.

"How's Luffy doing, is he any better?" "Well...he hasnt been eating much, but he still eats twice as much as we do". Oh look, That's what happened after Ace died too. There's a behavioral pattern that hasnt gone away. Not sure why it wouldve tho.

Luffy is mopeing, lying on the ground in a similar setting ace was at when he cried. Hes thinking about some of the things Sabo said, like how theyre gonna sail the seas together, and he clenches his hands into tight, shaking fists. After Ace shows up and hits him, and talking abt some other stuff I don't feel like relaying, Luffy tightens his grip on the straw hat and tells ace, whimpering, he wants to get stronger (and stronger, and stronger, and stronger and stronger and....) And he wants to be the strongest in the world. "And then, I'll protect everyone. I won't lose anyone I care about". He gets stronger mainly to protect the people he loves. And then he asks ace to promise he won't die. To which he hits Luffy again and tells him he should be more worried about himself dying first. And then the famous line that hurts like a bitch- "I'm NEVER going to DIE!" And then this hopeful music comes on (fucking damnit funimation, u gotta do this? Really??) Also he says he wont die as long as he has a wussy little brother to protect. ...FUCK. Ok, the fist clenching is a thing he does all the fucking time, usually when he gets mad. This was different because he wasnt mad, he was sad. He clenched his fist because thinking about it hurt. Which, huh, sounds a lot like his whole episode after waking up from his 2 week coma on the polar tang. To try and stop the mental pain of those horrendous memories, he resulted to physically pain. He hurt himself. So, He clenches his fists in times like these to fight off the mental pain and the urge to cause himself physical pain. Guys, our boy is bad at emotions, help him. ....ok this paragraph is longer than I anticipated so ill dumb down the rest of it ig. Next part, him asking ace to promise he wont die. The music, the body language, the over change in mood- this comforts him. He stopped hiding his face and silently sobbing after ace said this. OH YEAH! didn't he tell jinbe not to die when they parted ways in Totto Land? And then, hes missing still in Wano and we see Luffy is worried....but convinced Jinbe will show up. Again, this comforts him. Hes nervous cuz someone KOFF KOFF ACE broke that promise once. But jinbe is his crew mate so he trusts him, thank god.

"-But whoever did it, they must be opposed to freedom." The whole freedom thing? That runs through Luffy's blood and spirit.His brothers fought for it, his dad is the man who strives to give everyone freedom basically, and Luffy himself has seen enough of the OPPOSITE of freedom to be so, so much more than just against it. Hence why he of course was so eager to free the slaves in Sabaody, the kids in punk hazard, the toys in dressrosa, the country of Wano from Kaido's tyrany. The apple doesnt fall far from the tree huh.

I dont think Luffy would remember his promise with Shanks if it werent for his brothers putting feul to his dream. It was a stupid bet at first; he just wanted to beat Shanks, right then. But after meeting Sabo and Ace, he found the opposite of freedom and human rights. And then he wanted, REALLY wanted, to become the free-est man in the world; the pirate king.

Last one i promise ok? This one is less connected to whats going on in the episode at this point, but something I noticed (its so obvious everyone has seen this ok) was when luffy cries, his posture is always open. He doesn't curl in on himself like many people would do (I know I would, lol). He doesnt hug himself, protect himself. He's just, opened up to whoever is watching, literally. This has a little more to do with something I haven't talked about much in this post yet; his self-destruction issues. I said he tried to hurt himself when he felt mental pain, which is definitely similar. But he cries and doesnt try to protect or comfort himself, like he doesn't have that programmed into his mind. Reminder that he only wants to live because of his dream, and if he doesnt have his dream, he wants to die. (Whoa.). Ok, so no self preservation mechanism at all rlly. Hes basically ride or die. So, when things hurt so much that he cries, he has no hope left. He just kinda...dies inside. So this was mildly different after sabo died. Yes we saw him just standing there, sobbing. But the next day he's still crying, and instead he's laying on the ground. I saw that and the voice in the back of my head told me he wanted to be a part of that lifeless dirt beneath him. Then, Ace walked over. And his words made him feel the hope that I told you about earlier, and he sat up into a sitting position. And HUGGED HIS LEGS TO HIS CHEST. There's some self preservation! Some hope! Some will to exist, to live! Something we saw none of as he sat in front of his brothers corpse, shutting down. He sat there, open to his enemies, incapable of protecting himself. Practically anyone couldve killed him right then and there. I think he mightve liked that, at that moment. Like thank god he has that stupidly good luck cuz if he didn't I swear someone couldve thrown and axe or FUCKING ANYTHING AT THAT MOMENT and hed be dead becuase he never physically or mentally prepared himself. On purpose.

Our poor boy needs some fucking attention and therapists. (Insert my rant post about how jinbe is on the crew primarily for anger management and therapy, not just being a helmsman.) Ugh, smh ugly cries

Aaaaand thats about the end of the episode. Theres so many little tics and peesonality traits that you notive thru this episode, and I only noticed them cuz im rewatching this part of the show for like the third time. I don't react as much as the first time of course but some things are definitely sadder after knowing what's going on and what will happen later on.

Moral of the story (post)? I think luffy is almost equally as alike -if not, more similar to roger as ace is. Also, high key genuinely think Luffy met like NO ONE but Garp before he met Shanks and his crew. What the fuck was his first like 5 years of being alive like? (He wantd to be a pirate cuz Garp didnt want that. Rebellious baby asshole. And then shanks made things worse, in a good way for luffy. And then ace and sabo made that worse thing worse for a good reason. Luffy lives...for those influences. And that is fucking it. Why.

Oh thanks tumblr for moving my picture to the bottom of the post u fucking idiot

[nostaligic88]

!I’m not sure why I’m writing this, but I feel like I have the need to do it anyway.

I have my therapy appointment tomorrow, so I want to discuss about what I’ve been through for the past two weeks for preparation. 

I want to start off with what happened today (7/27) because it affected me in a way that made cry:

I came to work ready to do my thing but we all detected Citlalli was off. It doesn’t take words to realize that. Body language is inevitable and shows what the person is feeling. But long story short, Elliot talked to us at the end about what happened. I found out that I hurt Alisha because of my tone or something else. I take full responsibility for that because that it never my intention to throw her off. But i did. But a part of me blames Citllali for starting off bad because she does not allow us to help her out. And that ticked me off because when she gets like that she literally shuts down and work becomes unpleasant and harder. I told her that but she does not apologize at all. Instead she does what she always do, walk away in a bad note with the “fuck it i quit. bye.” that’s just so unprofessional because we will see each other all again on Friday and we just want to get finish our tasks the best way we can. Leaving on a bad note doesn’t allow that for happen. I apologized to Alisha as soon as I felt guilty. She said is okay but is truly not. I just want her forgiveness... but I also forgive myself.

On our way home Elliot and I discussed about our day and other stuff and we went home on a good note. Him and I tend to discuss and talk things out because that’s just the kind of persons we are for some reason. He said interesting things and I take note of them. Things like: I should eventually talk to my mom and my brother. Things like: Im my own person with my own opinions. Things like: He went outta pocket. Things like: He definitely sees that and that has almost everything with the way he treats me with violence. Things like: he has anger problems. 

I got home. I said good night to mother. Then it was just me thinking about Citllali and Alisha....thinking about my family... thinking that I have to face them....eventually. Thinking about why am I in this position....I felt so stressed about it that I cried. Sitting on the couch, resting my head in my hands, letting my tears pour over my cheeks, I surrendered to my feelings. I was asking for help. I found myself asking for Jesus Christ to come help me because I want to keep living. I have a future and I want to be in it so come help my lord and guide me through this turbulence for I know is temporary. I did this because I have faith...for my future ya know?

I was overwhelmed at that moment of surrender. I grabbed my laptop and here I am... typing, writing about my day because I want to go to work on Friday better than I have before. Please Lord I want this. Help me. 

=----------===----------===-------=====-------====0--0-----====

Well that was today... but I want to write about one more thing. I want to write about what happened to me this, Sunday, and Monday, and Tuesday. Just facts. 

Sunday afternoon, I asked if I can ride with Edgar and his friends (nothing new) and he said yes. As I was getting ready, putting on my clothes, grabbing my camera, and all that, Edgar tells me “come but don’t come here with your bad vibe.” I said “what? what do you mean?” I was hurt. “I don’t know” he said. “But thats what angel and charlie told me”

“About what?”

“They said you was mad at them giving them a whole nasty atttiude that day on the garage?”

“Because I was on the phone? thats my garage anyway I can feel whatever I want. In fact, they were the angel was the one giving me a whole attitude as if I cant act all surprise for seeing them in my garage?”

Edgar ignored me and walked away.

I stayed home and I didnt go. I was upset. I was angry. I was hurt. I felt betrayed. I was fed up. Home alone... I wrote a facebook post about it.

I wrote what happened exactly in two paragraphs with the intention of having my brother read it. 

He found out and sent me an very rude and abbrut text message, calling me childish for writing it on facebook. (right but lets not forget your hyprocite ass for writing a whole IG post about Saul xD but thats fine right because is you? no...) I dont feel sorry for chosing the way I express myself because after all I am a writer and you my brother are not a listener. You are not. Because I have SEEN it myself. In fact, you wholly admitted that you thrashed your bike in front of your ex just for “talking heavy” (that is a clear anger problem)

and yet, you demand me to talk to you. No brother. I deserved an apology for disrepecting me.

That was Sunday. 

Monday came and I woke up to Angel confronting me “hey you got a problem with me and edgar? wassup? whats up?” all confrontational and shit. Excuse me? what do you have to do with me and edgar? nothing. so shut the fuck up. yall are exactly alike. impulsive. emotional. act based on emotional state and dont use ur brains. your like little babies. fuck off. get blocked.

This proved to me that Edgar talks shit about me to his little teenage boys. I know thats true and i don’t forget that day you humiliated me infront of them and my boyfriend because I forgot my wallet.

I do not forget that day you demanded money aand interrp[uted my therapy session 

I do not forget thart day you fucked made me and amy whole fmaily sacred as shit because you broke th4e law lost 2000 dollars from my pops and you gegt away wit it!@!!!!!!!!!! AND I SUFFER FROM NYOUR DISRECXPECT. I9M FUCKING DONE!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOU1!!!!!!

Let alone how you treated my brother luis over the uber accounts!!!~! I WAS NOT IN FAVOR WITH YOUR BEHAVIOUR BUT YOU ALWAYS GET AWAY WITH EVERYTHING. is my family that made you like that but you must be blamed for it too. 

You betrayed me after all that i did for you, You talk shit behind my back because what? i dont pay rent? you claim you’re better than my family but youre a machista for saying that. because youre the breadwinner you entitiled to disrespect your sister=? you might have learned that from my father. but i wont let you do it again to me. 

i have endured phsyucal violance from ym father, my mother, my brother tony. and im tired of being bullied by you. im your sister. love me. respect me. u have a choice. 

Last thing, you disrespected me and my boyfreidn at the same time with that message. How dare you talk to him like that? You don’t even know him. When have you ever found me talk to you girl like that over our own problems? I never because I know respect. Would you like that to happen to you? Tell your girl about our problems? I don’t tjhink so becuase NO ONE DOES. 

How dare you talk to me in most machista tone ever. “Come get your fucking girl” EXCUSE ME? “girl?!” IM YOUR FUCKING SISTER., I HAVE A NAME. I HAVE A SOUL. IM A PERSON WIRTH FEELINGS THE DESERVES TO LIVE WITH DIGNITY,. THATS A BASIC HUMAN RIGHT. HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE IM SOME OBJECT PASSED AROUND FROM ONE PERSON TO THE NEXT. HOW DARE YOU TALK LIKE THAT ABOUT YOUR SISTER TO HER BOUYFRIEND. YOU WENT OUTTA POCKET. WHAT DO YOU GAIN FROM THATT!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I’m done taking your beatings. I’m done. I’m fucking done. ITS TIME FOR ME TO SET MY BOUNDARIES. IS TIME FOR ME TO SHOW YOU WHEN AND WHERE YOU CROSS THE LINE. IS TIME FOR ME TO START DEFENDING MYSLEF AND SAY NO1!!! 1!!!Q!

In the end, “I’m thankful. Because now I know what I must do”.

[animmania]

Bendy and the ink machine sorta review.

bendy and the ink machine. alot of people have props been seeing its name going around lately and might not know what it is. sum up. its a horror indie game about a cartoon chacater coming alive though ink and you the player have to find out why everything thats happening is happening. thats the basic sum up.

i very much like this game alot and im really happy  to see it getting so much love. but alot of people dont like it and seem confused on why its getting so much praise . and i think thats an intersting point. one day it just showed up and got populaor. but why is that?? well i think its for a few reasons but ill get to them. ive been wanting to make this for a bit so im bascally going to cover as much about the game as i can. from story to game play. so lets start with a better look at the story. note the game is in chapters and i will be spoiling most things in the game so just a heads up to stop reading now if you dont want to be spoiled

CHAPTER 1 MOVIING PICTURES your name is henry a cartoonist who is coming back to his old animation studio after getting a letter from an old friend saying he wants to show you something you look around and find an ink machine. not knowing what it dos or what its for you of course decied you need to turn it on and see what it dos. after finding some iteams to "sacrafice to the gods". once you get them and turn on the machine the place starts to flood with ink and bendy appears. an old cartoon character that used to be famous. think mickey mouse and such. but someone trying to bring him to life made him into a inky black monster.. you run away and make it to the exist but you fall for the floor. after finding an axe you break some boards then reach a demonic circle and pass out after seeing some images.

CHAPTER 2 THE OLD SONG After passing out you wake up and and pick back up your axe. after some more wood chopping you find your way to the music department of the animation studio.here you find another exit but since the ink machine is going the exit is flooded and you cant get in. afetr some exploring and puzzle solving you eventually find out about sammy. the head of the music department and how the exit flooding was something that happened alot becuase of the ink machine. so they installed a ink pump in the exit that would get rid of the ink in the exit. you go to his office press the switch and as your about to leave your hit on the head and knocked out. turns out its good ol sammy. after being locked down there for so long and trapped by the ink machine he has gone mad. he wishs to be free and he thinks giving you as a saccrafice to bendy will do it. he ties you up and is about to sick bendy at you when suddenly bendy turns on him and off screen kills him. you get loose and grab your axe and start running until you run into the ol fool him self BENDY. he gives chase and you outrun him locking him the door. so now your safe but just as things get calm you hear a noise around a conor and behold. its boris another cartoon character that was made for bendy but he is more finished and not as monsterish looking as bendy thos in the game. then it cuts to black and it ends

and thats it for now. no other chapters are out.

now the story isnt anything ground breaking yes but its also not horrible. its a basic plot and it gets the job done. there are a few more characters i could have mentioned but they really dont matter all that much to whats going on. they are mainly for lore and to make it seem like this place used to be well run. ill let you guys find out about them if you decied to get the game your self

ok with the story done lets talk about the look of the game which i think is the best part about bendy and the ink machine.

given its about cartoons and such every thing has a very old cartoony look to them. from the walls to projectors every thing screams classic cartoons and its great they did a great job mixing the cartoony style  with 3d objects making it all seem natural. the lighting is also very good. using alot of yellows i noticed and using it to highlight things like doors or places that you might want to check out. the game also has a bunch of posters every were of bendy the main character and other cartoon characters. now there isnt alot of them so your most likly going to see alot of the same ones alot which isnt the best but it dos have a plus side ill get to later . the only thing id say is an issue with the look of everything is. stuff like the floors while do look good are pretty flat. most of the ground is made out of floor boards and it all looks flat. i think having some stick up from the ground slitghy would have been a bit better but its only a nit pick

but now what would a good looking game be without good looking characters to such as bendy. a small lil demon cartoon character. he was the face of the whole animation studio and boy it shows. his desgin is really simple yet really nice to look at and from an artist stand point very fun and easy to draw. he also has all the classic cartoon things. the big cloves. the dot eyes with the cut in them and  a bow tie. something else to note is he has no neck. not really sure why that is but its honestly nice. makes him stand out honestly which is good for a main character

the next character is boris. very goofy like being a doog person...thing. hes very cute and you see him from time to time in the game in full 3d. his model is very nice and he fits very well into the look of everything else.

finally we have the new cartoon character that was added in chapter 2 alice angle. her disney is meant to be a sorta oppiste of bendys i think. being an angle instead of a devil she has a slightly different look and is actually a human instead of a cartoon animal . her disgn seems very betty boob and minny mouse inspired. having some boob but still maintaining her cartoon look.with bendy arms and gloves and all. its worth to note she has a hole in her hand which i dont really understand but sure it looks nice

every other character in the game dosnt have a look besides from sammy. sammy being a person covered in ink wearing a bendy mask. there isnt alot to say about him other then i think he needs a bath.

now were onto game play. this is where i think most people start to spilt into the two groups of loving this game or hating the game. each with good points

the game is first person with the basic controls walk and look around. its worth to note that in chapter 2 they added a jump button and a sprint button. dont know why they didnt have them in chapter one but what ever. also on a short note the jump in this game dosnt really do much but it dosnt have alot of sound which makes it seem off. you dont need to jump so its not a big deal but its something that bothered me . you also have a attack button which is for swinging your axe at things in your way and enemys which is where issues start to come in. swinging the axe is fine but hitting things is another story. when ever i swing it i can never tell when im going to hit something. ive been right next to objects and swinging and it would not break and id have to start aiming at them in different angles till i found the hit box. i havent played chapter 2 but after watching a few people play it it seems the same goes for the enemys but not as much. now the enemys i think are the weakest part about the game so far. for 1 they arent really scary and dont really fit in with the world. they are just geniric looking sludge monsters  with no real features. and fighting them seems really unsatisfying. they go down with one hit and the sound effect sounds like your stepping in a puddle. also they arent really something you have to worry about. it takes like 12 of them to be able to kill you and even still as long as you dont run head first into them they will never kill you. but do be careful becuase if they do kill you you gotta start the chapter all over again . that is pretty bullshit.

then we have the other part of the game play which is looking for iteams and solving some puzzles. now alot of people hate these and i do understand. looking for iteams isnt that fun  but i dont think its all that bad. you get to look at all the details and find some secerts along the way. plus the areas you have to look in arent even that big so it wont take very long to find what you need.

now thats pretty much all the game play but theres another thing i want to talk about which is the music. now for as much as id love to say buy the soundtrack i really cant. besides from one track which i liked called *Hellfire Follies* all the songs seem like genirc horror music youd find anywhere. Hellfire Follies is the best mainly becuase its so different from the rest of the songs and also fits really well into the cartoon aesthic thats going on. the only other song id say is really good is the one that plays when your next to the projector playing a small animation of bendy in chapter 1. but its not in the soundtrack for some reason and i cant find its name any where.

so thats bendy and the ink machine. so what after all that is said and done those bendy desver to get all the praise it gets?? or is it just a over hyped game that isnt that good. me persnoally i really like. despite all its issues i still had fun playing chapter one and looking at all the detail and watching all the play thoughs of chapter 2 just made me love it more. if you came into the game with high expctaions thinking your going to shit your pants in fear your going to be dissapointed. a common issue ive seen come up with the game from people is that theres no real looming fear . no monster constally chaseing you or enemys that really make you scared. and those are fair complaints. but i think thats not all that bad of a thing. bendy and the ink machine is more of a game that wants you to get sucked into its world and wants to scare you with its tone and setting rather then with monsters or the fear of dying. i think the best way of looking at bendy and the ink machine is. dont think of it as a action horror game. but more as a puzzle horror game.

also despite it not being that scary its such a unique horror game. a game with such a cute cartoony style clearly taking insipation from old school disney. not alot of horror games like that out there which is way i think people like it so much. its just so nice and new. plus it not being that scary i think opens it up for alot of people.

its sorta like a lite horror game. something i think which could be a good start for people that want to get into horror games or horror genra as a whole but cant handle big things like lets say outlast or something.

but i think the best part about the game and what made me so in love with it is the commmuinty. the meatly the maker of the game trys so hard to be active in the community and dos so much for people who enjoy his game. even to the point in letting them chip in with art contest for the chance of getting thier art in the game with posters or so many things. and even reaching out to youtubers who have taken the time to write whole songs for the game and added them into the game as easters eggs which is just so cool. taking part in it is honestly is nice and seeing all the nice cool people in it makes it such a joy to be apart of . if i played the game and never even looked at fan art or all the community events id  honestly not be that intersted in this game and would have worte it off.

if you dont really care about that kinda stuff then it wont really matter and the game might not leave that much of an impact but for me it makes me want to get more into it because its just fun.

so thats my kinda review of bendy. hope i made some sense haha. and meatly if this some how finds your way. thanks for making such awesome games. keep up the work man

[greentech-genetics-blog]

OK SO YEAH THE RAILROAD AND COURSERS AND WHY ITS ENTIRELY LOGICAL TO DISTRUST THEM.

Ok So like im not saying that its necessary to kill them. It can be avoided because honestly yeah save every synth and since coursers catch them killing them is good right? One less courser and a few more safe synths right? YOU ARE WRONG. Coursers are replaceable so really killing them is doing no one any favors because where one falls you can get a whole new set to take that place.  THATS NOT WHAT IM HERE TO TALK ABOUT HOWEVER. I am here to talk about the not really helping out coursers thing. This is gonna get unnecessarily in depth and is totally based on how i have taken the info given to us about them.

Ok so first off lets look at synth treatment as a whole. Theyre treated as machines and not people. no one in charge of them treats them with human decency or like they have feelings and shit or whatever becuase they want to be able to use them for things you would never do to any person. And for most of the synths created that inhumane treatment is HARD LABOR or experimentation. These are all horrible in their own right and are good reason to run away. no one likes being used and most will believe that they deserve freedom from something this dull, strenuous, tiring, painful and difficult. Painful in the sense that it is the work that causes the pain.

Now, were looking at a group of ppl who see the synths as things that NEED NO HUMAN TREATMENT. So lets look at the courser training. Its mentioned that they pick some random folks from their jobs and put them through training. and if you remember synths are just people. just people not emotionless machines as they want to believe. So these people are given training. Training given to them by people who do not care to act like theyre people, training that is supposed to make them emotionless, training that if they pass they enter a life of horrifying surface work but if they fail they get reset and lose themselves, a fear they share with regular units as at the time of training thats what they are. The difference now though is that im at leat 90% parts of courser training are actual literal metal and physical torture. X6 makes a comment about being trained for “every combat situation” and I doubt hes the kind to say that but not mean it exactly as he says it. Every combat situation you can imagine he knows what to do. Tied to a chair in a dark prison cell having the shit kicked out of you? trained. Having to go up against a ton of supermutants and deathclaws all at once? trained, held down by a mob of gunners with no chance for escape unless you can come up with a damn good plan fast? trained. So yeah, probably not situations that fuckin specific but they have to take all wasteland life into account when making the training course. And theyre not taking mental or physical or emotional limitations into mind. well maybe some phsical but those other two are not relevant. These guys have been tortured into loyalty not JUST brainwashed like some normal units. Theyve been shown that the institute can and is willing to hurt them at the drom of a pen and wont give a shit to do so. If someone beats enough shit out of you and youre helpless to stop them youre a little less likely to run away when you know others like you are going to drag you back to that than someone whos only ever gotten the “were gonna reset you” threat. 

Like yeah, normal units got it bad in a sense that they are over worked and have the threat of being reset over their head but no one ever sat them down and pushed them to the point of such pain that they learn to stop feeling all together. I mean again, the courser training has to be awful enough to really do a number on a good fellow since they HAVE TO reset the units that fail. They realize that the mental toll it takes is too big a burden to carry but wont say that.

So now takE all these terrified folks and introduce them to people who are trying TO STOP THEM FROM DOING WHAT THE PEOPLE WHO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THEM TOLD THEM TO DO. the railroad. Most, not all, of them are going to be unlikely to cooperate. They have seen the full extent of not only the institutes cruelty and power but their own and others like them. If they were to run another courser would come for them, and being coursers they might send more for a courser. They know what the other coursers can do and its not pretty. theyre relentlessly violent like theyre supposed to be and honestly no one wants to fall victim to that.

I Think the railroad probably realizes that. Theyre like cornered creatures. Come out swinging or get fucked over. they know after observing themselves that coursers WILL COME and WILL GET THEM and will do a damn good job at it. Running away is pointless, or at least thats what the institute had beat them into thinking. 

See now still though, theyre still people. so some of them are not gonna give a shit what the institute said or did. They will leave and be fine but the railroad cant really know if they really are ok because SO MANY of them are not like that after suck intense and rigorous torture. Its not that theyre bad, all of them I mean its just theyre too big a risk for such a small time group like the railroad. Its like asking a bunch of untrained rookie fighters to go up against literal fucking Wasteland Ares that wants to kill them all normally and try to form a friendship or trust. its possible one might be chill and cool but also. man. if theyre not and theyre just faking to get closer to you or some shit then what? you just die and thats one less railroad member. and thats one courser who can now go home and snitch on your dumb ass. i think a good comparison would be that story. scorpion and the frog or some shit. if you dont know it google it or something im moving on from that.

So yeah, its safer for synths that the railroad is not snapped in half by a shady bitch courser. Yeah a few coursers are gonna suffer becuase of this but if the railroad is destroyed by wasteland ares then whos gonna help the synths now??? no one thats who everyone else wasnt them dead.

[wxkryarb-blog]

Where do i apply for free state insurance in the state of Georgia?

Where do i apply for free state insurance in the state of Georgia?

i dont have health insurance and cant afford insurance

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SOURCES:

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[somedaypast-thesunset]

i did not need his negativity yesterday nor did i have the mental strength to not be affected by it. 

he seems to have a rose colored view on his past friends who have lived even more passively than i have while doing hard drugs, drinking and having sex with so many partners that diseases are spread among them. but yet i’m told i’m just a welfare case, that i should just get over it, try harder etc. but there is never ever an admission that perhaps the troubles ive had in life directly relate to the struggles i still have now. 

“well her mother was crazy so she had to leave at 15 and take care of herself”

??? my mother was crazy and my father was sick and i had to take care of myself and him. without giving into the temptation of an easy escape through literal hallucinations. i am better than everyone who did give into the temptation. my will is stronger. sorry. that might bother him because he is a drug user. and he wans to convince me that my weed smoking is comparable to people shooting drugs. and it simply is not in any way. i am a functioning member of society in so much that i do not have a drug den, i do not have needles around, i do not have any long term physial effects of drug use im just a fucking stoner. just like people who HAVE to buy starbucks everyday. theyre just basic bitches. theyre not coffee addicts. and he trappe the conversation - all addicts say this. but i am making a choice and it would be incredibly easy for me to make other choices if i felt they were worth it in my depression. i am ADDICTED to DEPRESSION. i do not control that addiction and it is harmful to people around me and myself.

me smoking a joint is not. me smoking a joint is only beneifical to not only myself but the people around me. i am alive today right now because i smoke weed. THAT is how i am “strong”. 

it didnt matter though. i was already spiraling and wanted to go home but knew i couldnt because it was cold and almost midnight and i didnt even have proper boots and the weight of my entire life and being began crushing me. 

these are panic attacks. these are not attacks which can be seen as the typical display of it but not everyone will hyperventilate into a paper bag. my parents called it an asthma attack because i wasnt breathing right. i wasnt allowed to act out. if i acted out my mother attacked me in such severe ways that i trained myself not to react to anything. but you cant do hthis you cant just be a robot forever your emotions will operate whether you acknowlege them or not.

so it builds. and during the build up which always happens the same way my thoughts are spiraling. if someone latches on to a brief idea of the issues im battling inside, it now solidified the thought and i start to panic. it wasnt being called a drug addict. it was the fact that im constantly put on the bottom of the list for like existing human beings. no one ever goes, ‘well you had to take care of your father’. i dont get that. why? am i not blonde and cute enough? did i not suck enough dick? should i have done drugs and been more pathetic? why is it that everyone else gets a ‘well this and this happened tot hem so is understandable’. for me it’s literally well you cant focus on your past you just gotta move on. it’s not fair, it’s frustrating and when it comes from the only person even giving you any sort of love at that moment in time, it feels trapping. deal with this or have nothing. 

i cannot explain this though. it starts here and by the time i’ve freaked out so hard i cant even communicate the intricacies of these thoughts. i’m now totally overwhelmed and i want to scratch out my eyes and tear out my hair and i’m sobbing so hard i cannot breathe. 

i told him he outright had to help me because he did not listen to my warnings that what he was saying was bothering me. because i told him i didn need that negativity right now and i didn’t nee him focusing on being a  “drug addict” because i dont spend my rent money on shooting drugs. i dontand thats not part of my problem. it’s just a matter of opinion regarding marijuana. period. my opinion differs greatly and i advocate for the VERY PROVEN medical benefits of it. not just “its been shown K helps depression”. so does lsd. so did lsd. so much so that people dosed other people unknowingly to try and “help” them becuase they thought lsd “helped them” and “opened their mind”. but shold you do LSD everyday? no. i really dont think you should. can you ingest something that has minimal effects on a normally healthy person with no pre desposition to mental health issues everday? yes. cancer patients smoke weed because of its legitimate medical benefits. they should not be k-holing. thats not the appropriate way to deal with cancer. nor does it help any of the issues of cancer except moderate pain relief and slight alleviaton of mental pain if you dont put yourself into a k-hole. 

i can smoke 4 grams of weed and not die. i can smoke 4 grams of weed everyday for the next week and have no side effects except not even getting stoned anymore. i wont have to go to the hospital for “exhaustion”. i wont have spent my time at clubs or raves. i probably spent a lot of money on food. i will have no track marks or prolems with my nasal cavity and depending on how i smoke the weed, if i vape it - i may not even have lung problems. and in those days of smoking 4 grams i will STILL DO PRODUCTIVE ACTIVITIES and not just lay around wondering when i’ll get high again. 

so to put me with heroin users is wrong and a surprisingly antiquated view. but i cannot explain all of this and maybe he’ll still disagree but now i’m just in a position where a person who is supposd to love me is telling me im as bad as a heroin addict. i am not and that is not an excuse to not change - i can still change my habits but you have no idea what i wold be for someone like me to do that. he made an “effort” to help but he doesnt have the tools in him to actually help. he told me to think of skating because he wanted to take me skating. 

this morning as i was dropped off he asked if we were going skating. i said i guess and he said no more “i guess” i had to make a solid decision for what iiii wanted to do. and i guess i appreciate that - acknowledging that his personality is not okay for someone like me in the state i am in. i explained to him that our mutual friend came to my place and spoke to the roommate for me and was very like... it was as good as having a medical therapist come and advocate on my behalf. it wasnt like a “you shouldnt do this this is bad” it was “the person you live with suffers from very serious mental issues which affects her daily life and there are reasons as to why she is avoiding confrontation or choosing to live with things that others consider unreasonable” and it was really very good. like not only did i feel like it helped bridge a gap but that someone legitimately felt like they wanted to advocate for me. i didnt ask her to do it. i just explained this is my life and she was like no this is not okay and you need assistance to overcome this hurdle so you can continue on to the next one. i really really appreciate that. no one advocates for me. 

i also made a doctors appt next week and that kind of alleviates some of he pressure i feel about dealing. i know i can now go talk to this person. and if i need to, i have a drive really to see him more often. our mutual friend also came in and casually asked for my razors. and that is something i also appreciate. i made avery large step by freely admitting a relapse. it wasnt like omg cry for help it was this is what occurred. period no discussion because you are not the person trained to deal with such maters of the psyche however as a human being you can acknowledge a crisis and offer assistance to he best of your own abilities. if you have the ability to say ‘hey do you mind if i take your razors with me to get them out of the house’ that is perfectly fine and good and helpful. 

he does not know i relapsed. he has continually said he has no judgement on what i choose to do but does not support it and will only ever advocate for stopping outright. which is totally fair but it compounds the severity. 

hes still trying though? last night he took time to have a moment of private affection and when i tol him about the door knob lock situation he immediately said he would buy one and just let him know. he then said we would “drink sake” tomorrow and added on the skating activity and these things were nice because there is rarely time put aside for just me in the “us”. i follow what he wants to do when he wants to do. i rarely ever ask to go somewhere and when i do i may be able to go but ill have to put up with mock fighting about it. but its not terrible. its not like im dragged to bars or baseball games. he decides we will go hiking and we do. we’ll go to this random thing an hour away and look at i and we do. and i get to exprience sooooo many things i would have never otherwise experienced if i was not with him. and this is why i remain with him. no one else has ever shown me this much of the actual world beyond the bubble i was trapped in. my ex did a decent job but we rarely did anything. like any activities at all. it would be a big deal to take a walk in the woods by our house. 

i’ve gotten to canoe and climb beautiful ontario landscapes. i’ve gotten to eat food from all over the world. ive been given nothing but useful or beautiful and sentimental and meaningful gifts. i have never been given something frivolous ust for the sake of gifts. i’ve been given flowers on more than one occasion. 

it’s really hard to come up with a complaint when i still get to do these wonderful things? like how can i be upset about hiking different parks? i think i’d want to do that anyways. so it’s nice i guess to have it acknowledged this morning that i had the freedom to choose. we did not have to skate and i didnt have to do it because he offered. 

i kind of wanted to though. i think he knew also last night’s dinner with his family friends was just super awkward for me and woul be for literally anyone not related to them. it’s amazing how well they can make someone feel like an outsider while simultaneously telling them they’re “apart of the family”. that wasnt really his fault though. or maybe it s. i dont know. those people sucked and it took forever to eat and i did not even say goodbye to them because literally two sentences were said to me during the night which were, “so you do work in x city or do you commute to another?” and “are you flying out to see him when hes living out west?”  both of which are questions that should never be asked. just period. i mean theyre reasonable questions but to ask them to me results in really awkward answers. like “~ im an artist.” to which she asked, “where” - bitch everywhere. i am a fucking artist of life. and of course its not within my parameters to explain - well you know i’m fucking pretty mentally ill so i’m generally unemployed and collect social assistance hbu. its not like i can outright lie either as the two people who do know my life are sitting there too. and its shitty in some ways that these eople are close tot hem and i am at their house everyday and never once has it been explained that this is in fact his girlfriend, this is what she does and why she is the way she is etc. lie most people would get a “this is ashley, she works at shoppers drug mart and shes a great mom”. but since i have none of this i am nothing to them 

i am also very open about my struggles and where i came from in most situations. this is going to define my interaction with you and you should know that i’m aware of it an am working on it everyday. i am a very self aware empathetic person and i know that becaue of my unusual life i may cause unintentional offense or harm or burden someone in a way that i would not mean to if i understood differently or had a different journey. and everyone has their own journey but it’s a bit like a soldier coming back from war and it’s not on us to judge the severity of harm their journey caused them because we dont know. if theyre so encumbered by the thoughts of death they saw and were apart of it while others are not - we still need to respect the severity ad toll it tok on those individuals. and in no way do they want to be affected by this. theyre not choosing to take it home with them. but it now shapes everything they ever do and being a military person now defines you. it is apart of your definition and character. 

it woul not be appropriate to xplain this to the wasps who think theyre daughter had it rough because she coudnt talk of her prividledge life to stuggling immigrants working to survive while she worked for 2 weeks for extra spending money when she went on her vacation to australia. and it’s ironic of course - i’m now offended by him and i was concerned for offending them; well i was. but then i gave up because i didnt give a shit about them and i didnt think they were actually good members of society. i thought maybe they were “good” fathers or mothers. maybe decent employees. but like a real active good member of society who is bringing a positive vibe to the world? no. i really dont think so. and i have mt people i believe do this. people who i also see really negative traits in as well. theyre not perfect but “good people of society” like working an seeing the whole of society - every part of it as an equal and good thing. maybe theyre bad mothers or fathers though. or maybe not great. i wouldnt say bad. but maybe not great, definitely could be better parents. but they atleast will instill their values, hopefully, into their children who will also be good people of society. i am currently in daily contact with atleast three people who were raised by shitty people of society. people who cared only for heir own exprience and saw everything else as an outside. they now gave that quality to their children. “good mother”. shitty person. 

its up to the people in my support system to advocate for me. honestly. 

[biwikrie]

everything that’s going wrong in my life because i am bitter

the move

ok so i recently moved from japan back to the US and everything is so jacked up here and far apart. i mean sure, i kinda like it here, but since i know no one and am unable to actually go anywhere, i cant really do anything. not to mention that im not accustomed to anything in the US and everyone just expects me to know things and relate when i’ve literally been in the US for like two-ish maybe months after 5 years in JAPAN. hhhh stressful. also, i don’t have anything from my room in japan. it’s not even packed up. so i’m going to be sleeping on an air mattress until at least december. 

school

when i say that my school is small, i mean too small. we have a 2300+ student body, but a main hallway that only accommodates 1500-ish people. it’s almost impossible to walk to my classes and just as difficult to find a seat during lunch. also, i’m apparently ahead of my grade level in most things, so i’m fully just breezing through this year and cant change my classes because i couldn’t get the summer work for honors, and can’t take english and history classes for 11th graders. so my student transcript is going to be shit because i went from honors world history and literature to regular 10th grade world history and english. plus, i’m always the first to finish the tests and shit in my alg2 class, while sitting in the back because im too terrified of the giants that are 11th graders to sit anywhere else. i can’t really talk with anybody in most of my classes because they assume i’m a freshman and are just weirded out that such a small kid is in their class. 

friends / lack thereof

boy oh boy. the other reason i cant find a seat during lunch is because its divided into 3 different periods. i have third (last) lunch, which is also right after my alg2 class, which is full of 11th graders. so my tiny self is walking down the hall to the cafeteria surrounded by these tall 11th graders with no way of talking to them. so i just kinda sit “alone” at the peanut allergy table (when i say alone, i mean that im surrounded by upperclassmen as i try to take up as little space as possible while reading my book. 

let’s also talk about how all but one friend from japan probably forgot about me. so, shout out to paul for sticking to his promise of sending me a snap of him sending an “encouragement snap” using his mickey mouse voice. but because of the time difference, i can’t really speak in the group chat, and since they all live near each other and see each other everyday at school, they don’t really need to ever use the group chat. i have absolutely no one to vent to, and the only thing i can really talk about is bad stuff. so fuck me. 

i get 12000 crushes a day

SPEAKING OF FUCK ME: i, at 8:38 pm on thursday, august 31st, 2017, have 6 crushes. time to elaborate i guess. 

joseph/joey is in my chemistry class and my world history class. he’s pretty funny and i think i remember him from way back when i first lived in florida. he has this really interesting voice and laugh, and his hair has this little swoosh that goes straight up. only problem is that he kind of reminds me of yosuke and i can’t stand having him [joey] standing/sitting to my left.

dylan is in my art class. we talked for maybe two minutes on the first day and we still see each other everyday, but don’t talk. he got moved to a different table. he has a really deep voice that i absolutely love listening to. me and him occasionally look at each other when we’re confused by what the teacher is saying and have a little laugh. he’s only taking art because he needs a fine art to graduate. we dont talk, but we have this kind of unspoken agreement to do this dumb fake smile thing when we first see each other (but my gotdamn crush on him makes me go from fake smiling to blushing like an idiot). sometimes in class, i’ll catch him looking at me, and i don’t know if its my obnoxious teenage girl brain, but i think he might want to talk to me?? but oh my god he’s really pretty. like model status pretty. 

dj is also in my art class, but he also rides my bus. i know for a fact that he doesn’t like me. he doesn’t even know me. but he has bushy eyebrows and purple-ish curly hair. and oh my god when he laughs its amazing. i look at him too much. 

guy in my alg2 class that i dont know the name of is... in my algebra 2 class. i’ve never offically spoken to him, but his did hold the door open for me once and was super polite. he doesn’t play sports but he’s large. like, 6 foot large. he also has his hair up in a bun everyday. and today during the tst he undid the bun, and his hair goes a little bit past his shoulders and it looks to silky. deep voice.

liam is in my english 10 class. at least i know he’s in my grade right? and holy heck does he look so nice. he has blond-ish red hair and brown eyes?? and he literally could care less about school. he’s like a bad boy but super chill?? i used to sit directly across the room from him and i would sometimes look in his direction and see him looking at my group’s table? whether it be because he knew the people at my table, or was just completely blanking out, or because im a new student and hhhhh, i’ll never know because we had to change tables. now i sit with my back to him so idk if he’s even in the class anymore. 

anthony is in my world history class and is friends with joey. i had a crush on anthony before joey, but after a while anthony just seemed kind of dumb, but i still kind of like him? he goes out of his way to bring me into conversation and is funny in a dumb way. i dont even know. reminds me not to kill myself. he looks like he’s good at hugging. 

time in general

so i’ve recently been hit with this like wave of sadness where everything suck sand maybe that’s why i wrote this, but i have nothing to look forward to each day other than getting back to my “bed” after school. i just want it to be summer again becuase either 1) i can learn to drive, 2) anthony and joey and alec and austin can maybe want to hang out or something and i can finally have friends 3) i can screw up my sleeping schedule to talk to my bros in japan 4) i’ll have my stuff 5) i can start making real friends in junior year because at least i might know some people during lunch. i just want everything to fix itself because i have no way of fixing it. 

i kinda want to die

and not in the angsty teen way. actually, maybe in the angsty teen way. i just dont think that i have anything to provide to the world and i’ve already experienced all the world has to offer? i mean, obviously i haven’t, but in a “nothing else really will matter” kind of way. is that nihilistic? i just want to skip to the part of my life where i can just experience love?? thats sappy as shit, but i want to find someone that i can really love and experience the thing that humans experience and just know that im not alone in the universe? maybe its me and my obsession with soulmate au’s, but i really want to find someone where everything just clicks from the first moment and i can just be myself and be fully accepted and be truly vulnerable and free with someone that i absolutely care about and love? but i know im not mentally prepared to be in a relationship of any kind and that’s a problem after being removed from the only people i could talk to. so i’m forced to bottle things up and just try to push away bad thoughts to prevent myself from just crying in the middle of class. sometimes i get the thought of the time i wrote a suicide note. sometimes i think about who of my classmates would notice that i never showed up to school again. sometimes i think of when my brother and dad would find me dead and what their reactions would be. but hey! “i want to die” i so #relatable right !!!

i just want to say that the only people that i’ve met that maybe genuinely cared if i actually killed myself were my biology teacher mr francis and anthony. i remember the look on mr francis’s face when i said that i didn’t know if i wanted to be alive, while my classmates just laughed because of the whole “i want to die” meme culture we have. i appreciate that he didn’t tell anyone, but that might not have been the best in the long run. of course, that’s not his fault. he probably knew that i would just lie to the counselor. but i wish mr francis could see me now. completely broken and looking like i never want to wake up. last week in history class, my group was all joking about wanting to die, and i think anthony saw it on my face. he saw the quiet build up of tears as i thought of what these people i call my somewhat friends would think or how they would react if they realized i never showed back up to school. or if my teacher announced that i had killed myself. or as i thought of my suicide note that i wrote a month and a half ago. and he probably said the last words i expected to hear from one of my classmates, especially after only knowing me for a few days. “you know, if you were to kill yourself, i’d get really sad” it’s dumb, i know. but it’s suck with me. he barely even knows me, but we were launched into this conversation about how we would truly feel if someone close to us died. like imagine coming to school and noticing that the person that sits next to you, who normally never skipped a single day of school, now hasn’t shown up in a week. imagine trying to find their face during lunch, only to figure out that they aren’t even breathing anymore. imagine having to continue with our day, with your life, not truly knowing what happened, or knowing if you can help, or if you could’ve helped to prevent such a thing from happening. imagine seeing someone you’ve seen everyday just disappear without a trace, just to disappear without anyone knowing that they were even there. (deh anyone?)