#and also probably my childhood psyche but there's a lot to unpack there

[alittleworldlywise]

The joy of growing up and moving from an extreme weather risk zone to a risk zone for a completely different type of extreme weather.

[garoumylove]

Ok. I want to talk about Garou and the idea of monsters some more. I got myself started now haha! Been thinking about it for years but only now feel like writing it out. (TW: discussion of parental abuse)

I want to go back to Garou's 'shitty memories'. In his flashback, he calls himself a 'gloomy' kid and describes himself as a loner. Now, when he refers to him as such, it is implied that he has already been like this for a while, even before he became Tacchan(little shit)'s target.

At the time when this first came out, it made me wonder why he is like this? Is this just his personality? Maybe he's just naturally shy and an introvert? Or did something happen to make him reticent to interact with others. It was up in the air because we knew almost nothing about his family except that at least his father exists or existed at some point.

After the comments about Garou's parents and mother in the last MA chapter, it now gives a much more complete picture of Garou's past and the way his psyche developed.

So, let me paint a picture. We have a small boy (8-10 or there abouts) who is being abused at home in some way: physically, emotionally, verbally etc. We can let our imagination run wild here. But with knowing his mother is not kind, we can imagine there would be verbal and emotional abuse as well.

When Garou describes himself as a gloomy loner kid it's now a lot more heart-wrenching looking back because the cause for his gloominess and standoffishness is most likely from trauma. This is a bit difficult for me to unpack personally because I went through much the same all through my childhood and adolescence but also why Garou fascinates me and why I relate to him so much.

So, we have a small child who is being attacked at home, possibly being told he's a shitty brat, useless, stupid, unlovable and whatever else abusive parents can throw at you. His self-esteem has already tanked way before Tacchan(little shit) came on the scene.

He is gloomy and alone because he probably is too scared to approach anyone because he thinks a) they may attack him like his parents do, b) he's stupid/not good enough/embarassing and no one would want to engage with him anyway. Instead, he spends his time alone buried in books which he uses as an escape.

But here's the thing, even though when you're in that situation, you feel like absolute garbage and not worthy of love or even being alive, there's a part of you that knows that this is wrong. That the way you are treated is wrong and becomes angry. But because you feel too scared to express that anger, it just sort of simmers there and goes nowhere, growing and growing.

Another important thing to remember about humans is that being labeled as a 'bad person' is an immense fear for the vast majority of people. I think of it as an evolutionary fear. Because if your community labels you as a bad person, you will be cast out, and evolutionarily speaking, that means death. So I think almost every person has this fear subconsciously kicking around. Yes. Even abusers. Abusers do not want to be known as evil, bad people and that's why they go to such lengths to present a 'good' image to the world.

Garou is already feeling like shit but probably can't untangle the mess of negative feelings caused by his parents' abuse due to being too young. Now, you have Tacchan(little shit) come in and label Garou as a 'monster'.

Now, not only Garou is feeling stupid, unlovable, like a burden or however his parents make him feel, he is now told he is downright evil. Because remember, monsters are de facto evil. If they are not evil, they are no longer monsters but just strange, fantastical creatures. Monsters in appearance only. A monster, is by definition something dangerous and destructive.

And, it is correct to defeat evil. No one wants monstrous people such as murderers, rapists, war criminals roaming around free. It is right to kill and destroy monsters.

So now, imagine how confusing this must all be for small Garou. He is being labeled a monster. As something evil and befitting execution. However, as far as he knows, he hasn't done anything that is evil. So now he has to figure out an answer as to why he's being relegated to the status of monster. And all he can think of is that same thing: because I am a gloomy, loser kid.

And so his anger and sense of injustice grows. His anger at being perceived as 'evil' when he hasn't actually done anything of the sort. Of people then using this 'monster' label to justify their cruel treatment of him.

He has been labeled as a monster (a bad/evil person) just because.

And this really makes me angry all over again because this happened to me exactly. I was called all sorts of things and labeled as a terrible person by people in my family because I didn't greet them in the morning, because I used the 'wrong' tone of voice, because I didn't show enough gratitude or whatever asinine reason they could come up with. Now, it sounds fucking ridiculous, which it is. But at the time, as a kid, as a growing adolescent it was bewildering and left me with extremely low self-esteem and belief that I deserved to be treated like garbage since I was so 'evil'. And so I became angry. I was angry all the time which just caused my family to confirm my badness.

And this is exactly what happens to Garou. His anger grows, and this righteous anger is then weaponised and used as evidence that he is indeed a bad person.

Garou grows up thinking he is a monster not because he actually did anything wrong, but through this continuous process of others undermining his self-esteem, gaslighting him and making him completely lose confidence in himself.

But what I admire about him is that through all that bullshit he still had a vision of what the world should be like. How people like his kid self, like Tareo, must not be labeled as evil or monsters or treated cruelly just because they're a bit different. How disgusting that is. How horrifying that anyone with an ounce of popularity can label you as 'bad' on a whim and watch that word be used to justify cruelty after cruelty after cruelty.

But there was also a sense of defeat in his big plan. Instead of trying to rid himself of the monster/evil/bad label, he kind of said 'Fine. I am a monster then. You're all saying it, so that's what I must be' and decided to become a nightmarish self-fulfilling prophecy.

It started with abusive parents and continued on the playground, in the classroom where all he heard was that he was bad. Always bad and could be nothing but bad despite not actually having done anything bad. It was meant to break him, and in a way it did since he came to believe it and act like it.

But in the end, he was never able to lose his humanity. I think his heart is too kind and too empathetic. He wanted to save others by sacrificing his human self. And it makes me so unbelievably sad that if it wasn't for Saitama, the world would have lost such a kind and selfless young man because he really came to believe the bullshit that was ingrained in him at such a young age.

Now, at the end of the MA arc (both versions) I think what Garou's journey is going to be, is to shed all that dark baggage of thinking badly of himself and realise he was never a bad person to start with. That everyone had failed him. Now, it's time to build his confidence and embrace his kindness and empathy as the strengths that they always were.

And that's why I absolutely love him. He's a cheeky 'bad boy' with a heart of absolute gold :)

[fishwithtitz]

Terzo! supernatural!! mirror!!!! CHOKING!!?!! this just got progressively better as it kept going. (Also I am very excited about a long series delving into terzo trauma too that is one of my favourite things)

Yes! @eyeslikelilith asked for a Terzo ficlet in response to some horror prompts I posted a while back. This was the prompt:

you blink once it's there. you blink again it's not but when you blink once again, it's on top of you, choking you.

😏😏😏

The Terzo trauma one will be centered around him unpacking childhood wounds and the damage of being dragged off stage/replaced. Hot therapist. Asshole Terzo. A little Girl, Interrupted inspired. I need to do a LOT of research and probably consult more with @eyeslikelilith and @the-lisechen on their religious studies/psych expertise (haha, like how I signed you guys up for that?).

[the-last-cuddlebender]

So you just refuse canon and bumi and Kya were lying or were just dumb not to realize what was really happening and perfect dad aang didn’t favor tenzin so much and he wasn’t the special one who got all the trips and time with him and was the favorite and every air nation person didn’t revere him and his mother didn’t adore the baby of the family who gave her grandkids and youre right I had to look it up but pema was o n l y 16 years younger and a man doesn’t leave a long term partner to hook up right away with a girl if there wasn’t something going on before even if maybe they didn’t get close to f#cking or maybe it was the worshiping from her that he liked and it was enough even if he really didn’t have anything going on with her but for you tenzin is this perfect victim who never done anything wrong like aang and who only suffered by everyone else being mean and wasn’t loved enough for your liking but this is your hc and to be fair you can have any you want. Bumi was the oldest and he was a non bender that must have been crushing but he kept being a good person and loving his family. Kya was the middle child who was gay and who probably was a bit confused and a bit lost and still was the most caring person ever to anyone and was always willing to help and who even went to stay with her elderly mother. tenzin was the miracle child who got all his parents attention, an island and grow up to expect to be special and a leader who was rigid on his teaching and rules and was also sort of a shitty teacher who also treated a girlfriend/oldest friend like crap not because of the break up but how he did it. That’s all tenzin not just poor baby defenseless never done anything wrong tenzin but if that’s what you want I’m glad he isn’t as loved as you think he should be because with the bits we got his siblings are much more interesting and even better people

(I assume you’re referring to this post about a previous ask, and I’m happy to discuss)

Hi, anon! There’s considerably more for me to unpack here, so bear with me. I’ll try to keep my response contained to a few points:

some child (< age 12) psychology

Katara and Hakoda’s relationship

some pretty dang neat-o history facts that explain more than you think (because my diploma has to be worth something lmao)

(I’m trying to be concise, so if I sound short, please know that’s not my intention. I just wanna save this from becoming a novel. I also just burnt myself with NaNoWriMo, so it may kindof ramble idk)

To start, I don’t refuse the “canon” of the Kataang family, so take that as you will. I gave my argument completely within the lines of TLOK canon because I figured that was what you were after. And I can make an argument for something while not arguing against the opposition. A good argument should be able to validate itself. I never went after Bumi or Kya, and I never would. I love their characters to bits. I was focusing on Tenzin.

Nowhere in my previous post did I say that Tenzin is a ‘perfect victim’ who never did anything wrong. I’m discussing the reasons why I think his character should be explored and appreciated more. He is an extremely complex character just like the rest of the cast. To box him in as “the favored one” is narrow-sighted at best. He’s human. There’s more to him. He didn’t ask for his lot, but he makes of himself what he can with it, just like Bumi and Kya. He by no means had a cozy time (and he has the stress-lines to show it).  

You say that Tenzin was “expect to be special and a leader.” That alone makes me want to know more about him and how he grew up with that weight on his shoulders. That kind of expectation can destroy a person. It’s very a-la the pressures of the first-born in a monarchy crumbling under the stresses of learning to rule. Tbh, I think that’s why Tenzin was written as the youngest, so that the cliché wouldn’t be as obvious.

I have NEVER said that Bumi and Kya were lying or were dumb. I was discussing kid-Tenzin and how/why kid-Bumi and kid-Kya perceived favoritism (all while remaining within the lines of TLOK canon, too). Perception isn’t a bad thing. It’s just someone’s interpretation of the world. Idk if you think there’s a negative connotation to the word, but there’s not. Person A can look at the sky and see the moon and Person B can look at the sky and see a void that makes them feel small and insignificant. It’s just a difference of perception. Just because they’re different doesn’t make one or the other inherently wrong. Different truths are more than capable of co-existing.

FIRSTLY, about Aang passing:

Kya wasn’t the only one to help Katara after Aang passed. Aang left a void in MANY ways, both as a family man and the Avatar. Bumi, being in the military, guarded the world in his stead. Tenzin took up the mantle in the City and on the island. Kya took on the emotional safety-net.

Katara was Aang’s best friend, partner, and second-in-command. She was just as renowned as him. I can imagine the world expecting her to shoulder his burdens in the wake of his passing. She was the Mighty Katara, after all.

ALL of her kids helped her through his passing, in their own way. Being a shoulder to cry on is just one facet, and all three kids helped her beautifully.

Some psychology:

I’ll explain why I think Bumi and Kya perceived favoritism (which every kid does, myself included. It’s natural and somewhat instinctive for siblings) as best as I can. I’m not a psych major by any means, but I can lay down what I know and remember from my classes.

I’m not saying favoritism doesn’t exist in families. I’m talking about family dynamics in situations where favoritism is subjective because it objectively isn’t there. (Others might define favoritism differently, I suppose. But these are my thoughts)

Children (again, I’m talking <12 here) perceive the world differently than adults. They have incredible imaginations and a pretty tame survival instinct. Give a kid one of those mind-bender jigsaw puzzles, and they’ll have a higher chance of success solving it because their minds haven’t grown enough to be constrained by reality. They’re mad geniuses who haven’t been developed enough to be closed off from the possibilities. That’s what makes childhood so precious. 

That’s why even Gyatso wanted to wait until Aang was older to learn he was the Avatar. You have to let the mind grow and fall and dust itself off before you fence it in. This doesn’t discredit or underestimate kids, either. They are extremely capable. I’m just talking about their lesser known psychology.

“Developed” is also a word that doesn’t have negative connotation here. I’m speaking clinically. Some cognitive and executive brain functions aren’t developed until 25. It doesn’t devalue ability or understanding. It’s just a word.

Kids internalize things differently than adults, especially when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Perceived favoritism among siblings (in situations where there objectively isn’t favoritism, of course) is a classic example. Kids need only be a few years apart for this to be seen. If a two-year-old gets a younger sibling, they can regress to breastfeeding because of the perceived favoritism they see being given to the youngest. Mom isn’t going to let the other kid starve, but the kid doesn’t know that. 

This isn’t just in infants, though. And as it can be seen with the Kataang kids (they were all kids when Tenzin went on the trips with Aang, and kid-Tenzin is my focus here): Bumi and Kya don’t ‘know’ that Aang is saving time for them, too, when he isn’t there. All they see is Dad gone with Tenzin and leaving them behind. And by ‘know’, I don’t mean to insult their intelligence. They comprehend why, but their instincts don’t. Siblings have a lot of strange instincts, not just Cain Instinct. Object permanence is critical until critical and abstract thinking are properly developed. Before then, it’s a “I believe what I can see” mindset (in the simplest terms...I don’t wanna wax eloquent about the nuances of it rn. I can see people taking this as me discrediting kids, but I’m not. I’m just trying to explain the Point B missing between Points A and C presented in the show).

Katara:

Children don’t start developing abstract thinking until about age 12. It’s part of their cognitive development. That’s when they start developing critical thinking (and scientific method and etc.) and the understanding of relationships between verbal and nonverbal ideas. Before then, seeing dad take their youngest sibling on field trips would 100% feel unfair, no matter how the situation would be explained to them. They literally can’t understand it.

***Katara: If you want an example, look no further than when Katara confronts Hakoda in The Awakening. Katara knew Hakoda had to go when he did (2 years before the show, by the way, making her 12). She really, really does understand, even when she’s older. But it still hurts, and she doesn’t know why. That’s because the damage has been done. She perceived his leaving differently when she was younger and it internalized differently as a result. She feels a little abandoned even though she knows Hakoda didn’t and why he had to go. Its affects don’t go away, though (as seen in the invasion). 

I never said that Kya’s and Bumi’s feelings would go away or were untrue to begin with. It was real to them, and that’s all that matters, just like Katara’s feelings being real to her is all that matters. Hakoda understands that. Aang would, too.

Is that Aang’s fault? It depends on what your definition of a good dad is and whether or not you give him room to make mistakes. Personally, I think he’s a great dad to all three of his children, even in the canon of TLOK. He just isn’t given a proper analysis in the show. 

Time spent together does not equal time spent loved. Otherwise, school teachers would be more of a parent(s) to a kid than their actual parents.

The acolytes:

The acolytes of The Southern Air Temple being all “Avatar Aang had more kids?” and completely side-lining Kya and Bumi is not in any way a testament of Aang’s or Katara’s characters. That’s the acolytes’ characters. Aang and Katara have no control over what the acolytes do/do not want to believe or think, no matter how many times they would have corrected them. They fangirl over the airbenders in the scene you’re referring to. Even the fangirls in the comics completely side-lined Katara as Aang’s “first girlfriend.” Their behavior in TLOK never surprised me.

Teacher!Tenzin:

Tenzin being a poor teacher was a good thing. It meant he could grow with his equally-poor student so they would become something better together, as mentor and pupil. I found that idea for growth to be pretty darn cool.

Devaluing the opposition:

“The bits that we got his siblings are much more interesting and even better people” objectively, sure, I could agree, but if I met an interesting and awesome person for a short window of time, I wouldn’t believe they were interesting and awesome 100% of the time. Bits of a person do not define their character. Every person has a capacity for just as much good as evil—it’s a variable that stretches equally in either direction.

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History-fun-time with the-last-cuddlebender woohoooooo

(a.k.a. I’ll address my thoughts on the “Tenzin being given the temple” and Tenzin-Pema situations, as you’ve presented them, as delicately and concisely as I can)

Importance of different generations:

If we go on the theory that TLOK mirrors more than just the industrial shifts of the real-world at the turn of the 20th c., then the age difference between Tenzin and Pema isn’t abnormal. (It wouldn’t be abnormal until even the early 1990s.) I have to use some anecdote to explain this, so bear with me:

Their age gap is strange to us because we’re used to things progressing so quickly. History as it’ll be written about the generations from the mid-90s onward will be very, very tricky. Generations now-a-days aren’t as easily defined because of the colossal leaps in technology from the past twenty or so years. 

Loosely, a generation is a group of people defined by relatively the same “changes” that happened in their lifetime (or whose effects affected their early development). There have been way too many changes in technology (which we know has a much stronger effect on a person’s early development now than ever before) in recent decades for that formula to hold up anymore, otherwise there would be a new generation every 4 years. 

An age gap like Tenzin’s and Pema’s feels so much stranger to us because our generations are so tightly layered. 4 years could mean a world’s difference when, back then (and I explain what I mean by “back then” further down), it didn’t change much on the dating scene. Life was more or less the same as they both grew up. It was far slower to change. And everyone in TLOK was growing up in the void of post-war for several decades. The technology jump didn’t (arguably) happen until just before Asami (if still holding up the comparison to modern day), so an age gap even in-universe wouldn’t be abnormal at the time they were dating.

(Even my parents got married at almost the exact same ages as Tenzin and Pema, the only difference being that my mom was 26 not 25. Most people I know are in the same boat. It’s just a generational disconnect)

Kya, Bumi, and Katara weren’t kicked out so Tenzin could be “given” the island (needs time period explanation):

I know TLOK says it got its inspiration from the 1920′s (the inspirations are there), but, if I were to date it, I would say that it’s moreso set in the mid 40′s-ish. (Kuvira ESPECIALLY reminds me of a not-as-known-as-they-should-be person from that time).

Among others, the size of the radios and Tenzin/Pema sleeping in one bed are some easy hints to me about TLOK being set in the mid-40s (if we’re using New York City as the template for Republic City). 

Even in the time of FDR’s earliest Fireside Chats, the radios were monsters that had to be kept in the corner of the living room. Towards the mid-40′s, commercial radios were becoming compact, and the radios in TLOK are pretty darn small. 

The Cathedral Radio used in TLOK wasn’t created in mass in the real world until 1933, and people didn’t have the means or money to replace their massive radios with smaller ones until (arguably) after the New Deal (1933-1939). Thus, I say the 40s.

Tenzin/Pema sleeping in the same bed also supports this time period because it wasn’t uncommon for couples to sleep in separate beds leading up into the “I Love Lucy” era of the 50s (the separate beds were for too many reasons to talk about here because they were a fad--for even medical reasons--for about a century). 

^^^setting the time period is needed to prove why I think Kya and Bumi left of their own volition, why they would do it, and why it was actually quite normal

Kya and Bumi weren’t kicked out of the temple. In real life, it was a trend up until the mid-40s for families to stay in the familial home, some even long after marriage. After that, however, multiple factors encouraged the want and fostered the need for young adults to leave their home as soon as 18. Kya and Bumi would be influenced just the same given the parallels with the time period.

Not all families did. The big (mostly industrial) cities were the first to do this. TLOK mirrors this with Bolin and Mako’s family staying together. 

Republic City, like New York City, was years ahead of these kinds of changes, so they started the one-bed shift and kids leaving the home just before the 50s. (This isn’t to disregard the cultural influences bellying the four nations. I know that familial homes are a characteristic common to Asian cultures since the US is more oft to sending elderly into nursing homes and such--and I’m having a blast learning about Asian culture since my specialty in college was medicine in Europe and the West--, but, here, I’m working on the assumption that the world in TLOK is migrating towards a Republic City standard, and the comics seemed to be hinting at that from as soon as just after the war, not to mention in TLOK.)

Again, kids leaving the home at the age of 18 is a very new thing that’s pretty specific to the US (in the time the trend first started) because of the new opportunities that were so suddenly afforded to younger people post-war. These opportunities were in all areas of life, not just economic (economic arguably being the least contributing factor imo), but that’s a historical essay for another time. 

My point is, kids leaving the familial home began as a choice in a post-war (100-year war, in TLOK’s case) world that encouraged them to do so.

Bumi and Kya were not kicked out so Tenzin could be “given” Air Temple Island. Bumi joined the military, and Kya traveled the world. They CHOSE to leave because there was opportunity to do so (that hadn’t been there for 100 years). They wanted to find their own destinies (and be the nomads they were born as...I always found it to be a great irony that Tenzin, being the poster-child to carry the legacy of the Air Nomads, never really got the chance to be a nomad. It’s sad, really, and potentially another reason why Aang took him on one-on-one trips since he knew Tenzin would be stuck with his legacy?).

Katara (again): As for Katara leaving the island, I believe that, among other reasons, Katara left Republic City because the light pollution made it difficult to see the stars she had grown up with. In real life, the Milky Way used to be visible to the naked eye everywhere in the world, and I think that change would be reflected in TLOK by default. Katara would probably find comfort in something as consistent as the stars and the Aurora lights in her old age. Plus, the city was probably too loud for her, and snow muffles sound pretty darn well.

TO BE CLEAR: This is not a justification. This is an explanation. I’m taking no “side”, here, because I’m not invalidating the opposition to validate my own. These are just my thoughts for how I see Point A becoming Point C in a way that keeps in line with TLOK canon.

*********************************************************************

Final thoughts:

You and I “perceive” Tenzin and his family differently, anon, and that’s okay. That’s just our interpretations of the show. I’m not calling for Bumi and Kya to be torn down so Tenzin can be uplifted. I’m talking about Tenzin (kid-Tenzin) in particular. His character is his character, and his value shouldn’t have to proven by devaluing Kya and Bumi. Likewise, Kya’s and Bumi’s value shouldn’t have to be proven by devaluing Tenzin. Just because they’re “more interesting” than Tenzin doesn’t make them interesting people (meaning that line of logic is flawed. i.e. lesser evil isn’t good because it’s lesser; it’s still evil. They should be interesting if the comparison is taken away, and they absolutely are and for their own reasons). Their characters should able to stand in an isolated argument, and they absolutely do, make no mistake. I love them to pieces, and nothing I’ve said about Bumi and Kya has made them inferior. I love them to death and have written more about them than Tenzin. It wasn’t until I started thinking about Tenzin that I realized his potential.

Tenzin, Kya, and Bumi were never “given” anything, and I doubt they would ever want it to be. They all had it rough, and they all deserve love. Bumi fought for a name in the military. Kya carved out her place in the world. Tenzin dug in his roots and planted the seeds for a garden he thought he wouldn’t be alive to see grow.

Me believing Tenzin should be appreciated more does not mean I believe Kya and Bumi should be appreciated less.

...just like Aang giving Tenzin one-on-one attention does not mean he didn’t give Kya and Bumi one-on-one attention, too:)

.

.

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Again, this isn’t an attack on any character, person, or fandom! I’m not a psych expert, either, and I apologize if it sounds like I’m delegitimizing kids and their experiences. I’m trying to do the opposite. I can go more into detail about Kya and Bumi, but this post is a novel already and I'm too burnt out to add more.

I’m just trying to give Tenzin as much love as Kya and Bumi🥰 I love all the cloud babies equally (as I should😤), and I wanted to toss out my two cents for discussion because I don’t see the cloud babies being loved equally in fandom (kindof ironic)

If there is some hidden childhood!tenzin content please hmu I beg🥺

[acim]

Burden, Labels, and Throwing the Towel In

I can vividly remember the exact moment that I tried to kill myself. I stood in my room at my dresser, with a bottle of pills, alone, crying, inconsolable. I had switched out the pills in a vitamin bottle with Tylenol PM, I didn’t want my mom to find out what I had done. As if she wouldn’t notice her dead son. But I didn’t think of that, I just wanted to waste away alone, never to be a burden again. And so I swallowed all of the pills in 6 mouthfuls, each one more painful than the next. I past out shortly after. I remember waking up on the bathroom floor, covered in vomit, my mother banging on the door, before I slipped away again. I finally woke up in a hospital bed and was transferred to a psych ward shortly thereafter.

Unsurprisingly, this was a difficult experience, but also a transformational one. I would not be who I am today if not for this dark moment. It was sobering. In the hospital, I saw stranger-peers in some of the greatest emotional pain I had ever seen; I heard stories that emptied me and made me feel absolutely hollow. I realized that although I have had a tough childhood, many - even those in my family - have had it much worse. This brought myself into a new perspective that has allowed me to forgive those that had failed me in my time of need, as I know they did so not out of spite, but out of inability or ignorance.

While in the hospital, I wanted nothing more than to comfort each of these people physically, through a hug, a handshake, a hand on the shoulder, something small but significant. But we were not allowed to connect physically unfortunately, out of the ward’s fear of bodily harm. So instead, we connected emotionally through our unity in labels, we were the mentally ill.

Specifically, I was “generally anxious” whatever that vague label means. I’ve never been comfortable with that label, and have always felt it as something I had to hide. I thought people would hate me or reject me if they knew that I was “weak”. And I’ve tried to unpack that and get down to the root cause of it, whether that be masculinity, shame, or saving face; I’m unsure. However, I do know that it partially comes down to never wanting to be a burden to anybody. Which is a very common worry of most people, but it’s such a weird thing to worry about when you really think about it. I love people “burdening” me in ways that I’d worry about. I love people venting to me and sharing with me things that they hold sensitively. But yet we all still worry about it.

“I should ask them to hang out, but I know they’re busy”

“I already texted him, I can’t double text him”

“I probably am boring to him”

And maybe partially this stems from the innate fear of rejection, especially by people we hold near and dear. We can never truly get away from that fear or rejection until we are truly connected with each other, as we cannot know what we are separate from. However, we can take action to try and get over this barrier; because in reality, by being a “burden” we are unburdening each other. We are helping them through bringing them closer to ourselves, and they are helping us by bring ourselves closer to them.

And that is a Miracle.

So be bold, be a burden.

Although my previous label of Generalized Anxiety brought negative emotions, my new label of ADHD has brought untold unity and connection. This is not only because of the physical effects of the medication, which allow me to obtain the clarity and motivation to think this deeply and write, but also because of the unity I find in the label. I find comfort that other people have felt this way before, that I am not insane, I am not alone. No one wants to feel alone and separate, wholly loveless. But yet we often push ourselves away from others through seeking ways to diminish this absence of love. We are self-sabotaging. One of my favorite quotes in the Course is about this:

“Yet the ego, though encouraging the search for love very actively, makes one proviso; do not find it. Its dictate, then, can be summed up simply as: “Seek and do not find.””

There is so much to unpack here between the futility of actively looking for Love -- when you can only receive what you give out -- to the temptation that seeking has over finding -- that’s the fun part we love to do after all; the grass is always greener on the other side. But, I want to focus in on how this quote relates to labels for me.

Labels, while they cannot create unity within a group, tend to also create disparity outside of a group. Although at our very core, we are all the same, we do have significant differences in our behaviors, actions, and thoughts. To find like-minded people is pure joy; it is like a breath of fresh air when you can talk to someone and really feel understood. And labels help us quickly see where those people may be, they help us Seek.

“Democrat” “Conservative” “Gay” “Christian” “SJW”

And this is not a bad thing at all, this gives us a quick way to bring each other closer, and that is never a bad thing. However, a fine balance, as always, is needed. Trekking too far into a label can create this “us vs. them” mentality. This happens particularly awfully when we start to identify more with the concept of the group than with the group itself, and this is where we give in to the ego and lose the ability to Find. We then begin to be closed-minded and the people and ideas that oppose your concepts are now hurtful because they also oppose you, as you have separated yourself and become the concept. You cannot be both the concept and the group, for one is self-centered while the other is selfless-centered. If, rather, you can identify as the group, then you can more easily accept conceptual dissonances and grow from that acceptance. You are then less likely to Attack and Judge others based on your ideology because you do not feel the need to guard it so vehemently, as it is not yourself.

So always remember that when you are connecting with people, you are not connecting with their ideas, but with them.

One specific label that has brought me a lot of agita over the past week or so is teacher. I think this is partially self-inflicted from me thinking I’m different than everyone else; and I’m trying to get into right-minded think in that regard, but uhh… we not there yet. At the same time, it is intrinsically true that I am not the concept of a teacher, although that doesn’t mean that I am not like teachers. Meaning, while the description of character and passions/desires of a teacher may not follow my own - I do not have passion for youth, or for creating great lessons, or for education in general - I am like my coworkers in that I do care for my students greatly. I can do this as a job temporarily, but I can not make it long-term. It is both a disservice to my students who deserve someone that can and will provide for their needs (especially for my students that have extreme needs that I cannot even begin to provide, as I am not whole). It is also a disservice to me for not following the path I have been set on, and for not prioritizing my mental health, which has struggled as a result of teaching the past few months.

I forced this new decision to become a teacher so hard. I knew this job was not for me, but I squashed that thought, I did not listen to Myself or God, both of which tried in vain to guide me. I also went into it for the wrong reasons: a desire to move on and not truly live in the present (Seek but do not find), a desire for a better schedule, a desire to be someone I’m not - I can lose myself in others that are close to me like I said - a desire for a “better” job. I will get on the right path again by leaving education quickly and going back into the medical field in some way. What way, I am unsure of yet. I am confident though that this is the correct step back onto my path.

This is a recurring theme for myself and many others as well: we force ourselves into who we think we are or who we want to be rather than allowing ourselves to be who we truly are. And that’s such a tricky problem to tackle, it’s so big and nebulous. But I think the best way to do this is to let go of the past - this frees us from who we think we are - and the future - this frees us from who we want to be - and focus on the present - this sets us up to be who we truly are. This is not to say that we should barrel forward like a bull through a china shop, never looking back or forward. But instead, we should be observant of our past actions, and try to understand the cause that underlies our non-harmonious actions through reflection. And that reflection is the keypiece that brings the past into the present and makes it so fundamentally different than the past.

[rantshemlock]

It: Chapter 2

It: Chapter 2 is an almost three hour movie in which just about nothing of value happens

this review contains implied spoilers for the movie! if that bothers you, don’t read ahead.

It (2017) had some incredible setpieces with brilliant monster designs and fantastic practical effects, bolstered by a couple of excellent performances from the show-stealing Finn Wolfhard and Jack Dylan Grazer, along with an outstanding performance by Bill Skarsgard as Pennywise. this, and the simplicity of the plot, make up for the fact that the character writing was often shallow and the dialogue laden with exposition.

It: Chapter 2 has almost all of those qualities, but also one major flaw: it's a bad movie.

there’s a lot to unpack when it comes to why exactly It 2 is such an extreme drop in quality to the first movie; the biggest is the story, which is a mish-mash of new footage of the child actors and the characters as adults, and is probably the biggest pisstake in film history in terms how much of an extreme waste of time it is. for a film to so thoroughly enforce the idea that the characters’ actions are pointless and serve nothing is unbelievable. as a movie that should be a triumphant ending to the saga, we’re given what is explicitly told to us to be pointless.

It 2′s sin is that it doesn’t build up to anything. not storybeats, not relationships, often not even scares. things are laughably obviously telegraphed, even more so than It 2017′s often heavy-handed exposition. the movie wants us to care about the characters because of their past together, but rather than building off the first film’s two hours of story it instead patches in new settings and scenes that no viewer has any attachment to.

“remember the club house? you love the club house!” the film says, showing us to a set we’ve never seen before and have no reason to care about other than it dictates we have to now care about it. the first movie was incredibly well received and is now beloved, it has more than enough emotional moments to build off of, but the film rejects all that in favour of bringing up new ideas, new concepts that hardly get built upon. it demands you care, but doesn’t earn that compassion or attention.

unresolved issues is the name of the game in this movie; characters are constantly shown to have problems, huge, serious problems. Beverly is being abused by her husband, something we’re shown in overly graphic detail. Mike is suffering from untold trauma from standing vigil over Derry for years. Bill is fucking up his movie and his relationship with his wife. Richie is living a lie, deep within the closet. what’s most egregious is not just that these issues don’t get resolved, but that they never get addressed.

we are meant to believe that these characters care about each other, care deeply, have a connection that would drive them to die for each other, but no one notices that Bev is covered with bruises and is desperately avoiding home. no one questions Mike’s erratic, terrified behaviour. Bill forgets his wife exists. as i watched the movie i found myself asking, if Ben loves Beverly so much, why can’t he see her pain?

in the first movie, the characters’ issues were deeply entrenched in their psyche, were part of what Pennywise used to manipulate and attack them. in this movie, they haven’t moved on from their childhood issues and their adult issues are merely tacked on, lip service to the idea that they have grown up but a refusal to actually spend time examining what their issues as adults are. all the characters are suffering in some way, but they never share these things. for all their love and trust, they never developed past their childhood and they never learned how to be adults. their arcs from the first movie are reset completely; their development in that film never happened. for how little that film ties into this one and how much this one wants to retell history with new content, it might as well not have existed at all.

if It: Chapter 2 lacks anything, it’s tact. it’s carelessly violent and shallow, throwing around horrifying concepts and spending no time to flesh them out. while the idea in the book that Pennywise’s presence leads to more violence, abuse and bigotry deserves criticism, this film manages to do an even worse job. what in the book might be questionable and in need of updating becomes uncomfortable and thoughtless in the movie. the gay hate crime at the film is one of the most prominent examples; always a horrifying thing to read in the movie it serves even less purpose, exposes even less about the town, adds nothing, means nothing. goes nowhere.

let’s talk about being gay. let’s talk about Richie.

here’s a fun fact; discounting Nightmare on Elm Street 2 (as painful as it is for me to say this, as someone who fucking adores that movie) It: Chapter 2 is the first horror movie in a big franchise to have a gay hero, unless there’s some information i really badly need to be updated on. making Richie gay was a good move, and i think Richie was the perfect character to pick for it. he’s by far one of the two most likeable characters in the film, the most memorable, gets the best moments and the best lines.

but the conclusion the film gives him, combined with the hate crime earlier in the movie, after he spends the entire film in the closet letting no one know he is suffering, is that he will never be happy. he can’t open up to anyone about what he’s feeling; he never tells any of the others, even Eddie, the character strongly implied to be the love of his life. while Ben and Beverly are given one of the best and most visually striking setpieces of the film to reunite in, there is no such moment for Eddie and Richie. there is no catharsis for either of them.

while making Richie gay was an excellent idea, to try and throw a bone to us starving gays to have someone to cling to, but the ending of the movie left me feeling completely hollow. i did not want my takeaway from his character to be that he is traumatised beyond the point of any healing.

the politics of gay representation in this movie are bad, and so is race.

Stephen King is a writer with a dirty reputation for his habit of using “native americans” as shorthand for something magic and not understandable, and this film manages to not only dig up the few traces of this from the book but also make it worse, turning the ritual of chud (something that the book implied only worked because the characters believed in it and had no tie to native americans) into the act of ignorant, misinformed indigenous people who get not a single line to explain or defend themselves but are only allowed to be set dressing to later be ridiculed and demonised.

Mike, the sole black character of the movie, is served horribly in this film. while in  the novel he was one of the most important characters, a thoughtful librarian and historian carefully gathering the history of Derry to research the truth of It’s influence, he was given no screen time in the first movie and in this one is the detested outsider of the group. he is pushed into the position of mentor and guide, rather than friend, and comes across almost like the old stereotype of the magical black character, someone who is only there to provide guidance to the white leads through insight he mysteriously and magically possesses. the film stripped away his position as historian and researcher from the first movie and now scrambles to make up for that, leaving him without the history and characterisation to allow us to understand who and why he is.

on top of this, despite the enormity of his sacrifice to stay in Derry and the clear mental strain it’s put him through -- Isaiah Mustafa gives Mike more depth and thought than anyone else did and brings in his performance layers of subtlety this film doesn’t deserve -- the other characters are mocking and derisive of his attempts, don’t trust him and accuse him repeatedly of lying to and betraying them. these moments go nowhere, also. he is always immediately ‘forgiven’ without any thought as to his own suffering or the continual selflessness of his actions. he’s the thoughtless punchbag to a film in which the character continually martyrs himself for the comfort of others.

he isn’t even given the dignity of being called the leader of the group, despite doing everything for them and coming up with every idea. for some reason, the leader is nominated as Bill, despite James McAvoy’s performance being lackluster to the point of fading into the background entirely and the character of Bill doing next to nothing in the film at all.

but again -- the characters in It are not allowed to care about each other’s pain and suffering outside of a few moments. they come with their mental turmoil and they are either completely cured of it or allowed to remain in it, unmentioned again.

there’s not a bad actor in this -- James Ransone is astonishingly good, pitch-perfectly recreating Jack Dylan Grazer’s every mannerism, Bill Hader is both funny and heart-rendering when needed, Isaiah Mustafa moves mountains to make the script give him some depth, and Bill Skarsgard is again incredible as Pennywise -- but there’s also not an actor who isn’t horribly, horribly maligned by the script. Jessica Chastain, an actress of tremendous power and presence, is given next to nothing to do or say. more thought and care is given to Stephen King’s cameo as a shop owner than the role of Henry Bowers.

the film has its moments. Richie and Eddie are a delight, and the monster design and practical effects are again top of the line. it’s just a painful shame that so much talent and craft, the skills of the incredible artists and designers, the hard work of the enthusiastic and engaged cast and the intricacy of the sets are wasted on a movie that has no direction, no idea where it’s going and no point to make about anything.

also, it’s pretty fucking galling for a movie to continually make jokes about how despised a writer’s endings are only for it to take the far better ending of the book and discard it for something so ridiculous it was a strain not to laugh in the theatre.

It: Chapter 2 has no reason to be as bad as it is, but all the goodwill in the world can’t save a story this fragile, this pointless, and that refuses to engage with any of the subject it brings up to this degree. It wants us to take it very seriously indeed, but there’s nothing here to latch onto; this movie is someone screaming ‘oh the horror’ in a beautiful room filled with set dressings that crumble to ash.

[ibitchytimemachine]

What are you reading right now?!

Oh gosh, I have a small army of fics I am working through right now, some that I have been reading, or are currently reading and enjoyed recently are (I'll give you 10):

1. Cut From the Team @rockykelboa

I don't think I will even NOT reach this fic. Its really really angsty and heavy, but if you want on the pain train, this fic delivers! 

2. Reign @thats-my-bulma

I haven't started the sequel to this yet, but I really enjoyed this fic, also be on the look out for a review in the nearish future ;)

3. Cake, Coffee and Confession Butane Baby (anyone have a link for their Tumblr or twitter?)

This is a great short little fic, I don't wanna give away too much, but if you like Panchy/Vegeta interactions.... you should definitely read this one!

4. Destiny Khandy_raynne (anyone know how to get ahold of them also?!)

OMG... this fic is KILLING me right now... definitely in the best ways, but if you want a heartbreaking and sweet story, this is great. Beware, Trigger warnings! This author explores themes of rape/noncon in their stories, but if that doesn't bother you, I rec either of the two stories by this author!

5. Burnout Blackcatscratch

Uni AU, Vegeta tutors Bulma, there's still no real smut, but the dancing n the latest chapter FAR MAKES UP FOR IT! 

6. A Lot To Learn. @vegebul-soup

Ive been betaing this fic since it started and there is so much to unpack in this story, and I can't wait to see the reactions to what's coming down the pipe in the future! Boarding School AU, twisty, painful and fun!

7. Bandaids on Bullet Holes. @1vulgarwoman

Nervous about where this fic is going, but was insta-hooked after the steamy first chapter! 

8. Obsidian @scarletraven1001

I was a little later to the Obsidian train than others, but damn its great and follows the myth of Euros and Psyche.... But this crazy bitch has thrown in some drama and I NEED to know what is gonna happen next ;P

9. Small Miscalculations JacoTaco

What happens when Bulma is shrunk down to three inches tall? How does Vegeta react? You never knew you needed to read a fic about this until you read this story.... so go do it!

10. A Place in the Sun @rockykelboa

While I feel bad plugging two of Rocky’s fics in this post, I also don't because they are fucking amazing. This one is a summertime childhood cabin AU... Veggie is the tough tsundere we love, but is a protective big brother to Tarble and every second spent not reading this fic is WRONG! 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Other than these I also rec anything on my mega list of FF recs, here's the link to that post. I will probably spend some time in the next few days/week updating that list, so be on the lookout for new additions! 

If you like reading this post and wanna check out some of my fics that I have been writing, here is some shameless self promotion. 

* Sanguinary

Vegeta-sei AU, Bulma has learned to battle and falling in love happens. 

* In His Head

3 year gap Vegeta POV one shot with Geets introspection. 

*Childhood Memories

a Fluffy Earth AU

And several other fics over on my A03

[arthur-rex]

meta: pendragon paranoia (aka the brainwashing of Arthur Pendragon)

Quick summary: Uther seriously fucked up Arthur’s head when he was a boy, brainwashing an abiding fear of magic in his son (selfishly to ensure that Arthur could never repeal the magic ban on his own). The subsequent suspicion Arthur harbours towards the magical community is deep-rooted, although he doesn’t share the same hatred of sorcerers as his father. However he can and will turn extremely hostile should he feel magic is threatening the kingdom he loves and the people he has sworn to protect. 

RP Relevance: So I’ve got a dedicated verse for Arthur going bad like his father. It’s here. So unless something is already plotted looking at a certain someone anything truly dark and nasty with the muse will probably go in there. 

Addendum: You (hopefully) won’t see me RP this side of Arthur very often. The situation has to be complex enough to involve a large number of triggers to push Arthur (who is still one of the good guys) into this mindset. But I will continue to occasionally reference it in RPs throughout the verses because it’s there in my Arthur’s psyche. We can’t just cut out and/or ignore the nastier side of his upbringing by Uther.

This summary ought to do with a bit of unpacking though. Ok, let’s get the definition up (from good old Wiki)

Paranoia is an instinct or thought process which is believed to be heavily influenced by anxiety or fear, often to the point of delusion and irrationality. Paranoid thinking typically includes persecutory, or beliefs of conspiracy concerning a perceived threat towards oneself (i.e. “Everyone is out to get me”). Paranoia is distinct from phobias, which also involve irrational fear, but usually no blame. Making false accusations and the general distrust of other people also frequently accompany paranoia. For example, an incident most people would view as an accident or coincidence, a paranoid person might believe was intentional. Paranoia is a central symptom of psychosis.

... that was a long definition, sorry. But it’s a useful reference point going forward.

Arthur Pendragon is a psychological mess. He hides it very well as a good prince / king / leader of the people must, but it’s still there.

Most of that is due to the huge amount of stress he is under to live up to a high level of expectations. To Uther, he’s the Crown Prince of Camelot and heir of the Pendragon dynasty. To Merlin, he’s the Once and Future King with that great big destiny to fulfil. To the people of Camelot, he is their Champion and Protector. He is literally the one who keeps them all safe at night. That is a lot of responsibility and pressure for anybody at any age. Which... is the reason why I headcanon Arthur indulges in sex quite a bit. Poor boy simply needs the release.

Sometimes, Arthur just wants to take a break from it all and go off to live on a farm with his girlfriend and manservant.

But Uther is a very controlling father. 

Arthur is not allowed to just leave. Uther has invested a lot (e.g sacrificed his own wife) into getting what he wants, and that is a son and heir worthy to continue his legacy. Now he has to make sure the investment pays off. 

So Uther made his own plans for Arthur, putting him through intensive knight training from birth to ensure he became the greatest warrior of the five kingdoms. He also organised an arranged marriage for Arthur when he is old enough to further cement Camelot’s position. Throughout it all, he was trying to mould his son into becoming the king he wanted him to be. It was about making sure Uther’s legacy following the Purges was upheld and that Camelot’s laws forbidding sorcery prevailed. Arthur could not show any signs of deviating from Uther’s vision on this point. In the final push, Uther had to make sure his son not only acted in the way he was expected to - but he also thought and behaved in the way he was supposed to as well.

And he could only guarantee that level of instinctive behaviour by making sure Arthur carried the same fear and suspicion of sorcery as he had. Because emotions cannot be so easily challenged and/or removed as misguided beliefs. Uther knew his conditioning would stay with Arthur, influencing his decisions long after he was gone. Even if on a conscious level Arthur later rejected his father’s teachings, even if he grew to resent what had been done to him - those warped feelings towards the magical community would remain. Uther’s brainwashing had already gone too deep.

Arthur was always going to be an easy target for such abuse. He loved and respected his father. Uther was the only parent he had growing up. He had no other role model. Arthur would have readily absorbed any horror stories Uther told him about magic as gospel. He was probably only 7 years old when the emotional conditioning started. 

In fact, I’ve already documented some of this childhood abuse already in RP. The warning signs have always been there.

Sorcerers. They are the worst kind of traitors known in our kingdom. You must be vigilant, Arthur. Do not allow them to influence your judgement. They’ll come to you, as a friend, promising to offer you help. And then they’ll take away the very thing that you love most in this world. That is why they cannot be trusted. That is why they must be hunted down and exterminated. All of them.    

( x - RP with @aquestionthatsneverbeenposed​ )

Listen to me, Arthur. They are an evil people. You must never trust a sorcerer, nor lower your guard in their company. The laws of Camelot are the only force we have to save us from their depravity. Closing his eyes, Arthur can still hear the distinct echo of Uther’s voice in his head from all those years ago. Viciously imprinting his doctrine into the impressionable mind of a young blond boy.    

 ( x - RP with @lespendragons​ )

There are plenty more examples scattered throughout my writing, but... you get the gist. I’ve also compiled a short list of some of the nasty things Arthur saw in the court of magic users abusing their powers and hurting his people here.

Right. So why did I choose to give the muse this gaping mental flaw that sets him up as a possible antagonist for future RP interactions? Besides some interesting narrative possibilities, of course.

Two reasons: 

1. It goes some way to explain why Merlin in canon continues to withhold his secret from Arthur, even after Uther died. 

2. It gives further insight into why Arthur has always been so desperate for his father’s approval. Arthur’s fear pushes him into a habit of turning to strong rulers, instead of relying on his own judgement. We see this behaviour throughout season 4, where Arthur seeks advice from Agravaine when his kingship is tested because in his paralysis he needs to be told by an authority figure what to do. We see it again in S5E3 where Arthur summons his father’s own damn ghost because he still needs Uther to tell him he’s doing the right thing for Camelot. The paranoia of his perceived enemies closing in around him drives him to seek that level of reassurance.

This is the Pendragon paranoia. It’s a major headcanon. The reason I’ve dedicated a whole meta to it is because it’s the biggest hurdle in the reformation of Arthur’s character for him to overcome if he’s to accept magic back into the kingdom. 

Arthur is not a saint, he’s a flawed hero. His weaknesses must be addressed if he’s to successfully become the King Arthur that Merlin and all our other protagonists aspire him to be. And Merlin in canon has already started this healing process with every conversation they have about how he’s different from his father, and that’s ok. There are other ways to be a strong ruler rather than simply following his father’s ingrained example. 

Canon Arthur knows this, as does mine, and they both will/do get there in their respective understandings eventually. Just. Watch out for any dramas if things are pushed too quickly in that direction. And/or other events spiral out of control. Dark!Arthur is real and a potential consequence.

[geminimoonbeamx]

Home, Again: Chapter One

A/N: Soooo, if you know me at all you know that thick Bucky is my religion and I love him with all of my heart. These new pictures of Sebastian on the set of ‘Devil All The Time’ have got me twisted. Literally I’ve been fawning over them for days. That man is too much for me and my libido and this is the product of that.

Word Count: 2k+

Rating: This particular chapter is pretty mild, lots of cursing mostly- the next chapter, and the ones to come after that will be extremely explicit though so get your bodies ready.

Summary: Moving back home was never in her itinerary, but after the loss of a family member and being fired from her job, she finds herself back in the town she grew up in and face to face with the man who’d haunted her teenage wet dreams. Now in her early twenties, maybe she can do something to make those dreams a reality.

A Plus Size Reader x Dad!Cop!Thick!Bucky Barnes story

It’s a surreal moment for you- waking up in your old room. The one that you’d grown up in, that you hadn't spent more than a couple nights at a time in- in the last six years.

Like some weird, out of body experience. Looking at the ceiling through blurry, sleep bogged eyes, with the sun shining clear and bright through the curtains fills your stomach with nostalgia that makes you feel like you might barf. 

You sit up, trudge to the bathroom, half feeling like you’re about to get ready for school or something- about to but on your Volleyball uniform or something.

While you're brushing your teeth you can't manage to drag your eyes away from your reflection. The bags under your eyes, that are ever present, seem to be deeper. Probably from all the moving you’d done in the past couple of days.

Picking up your entire life, and moving it from Brooklyn all the way back to Springs Port had not been easy.

Luckily your friends had been game for the three hour drive, and the little bit of heavy lifting(Pietro and Quill we’re life savers) when it came to your bed and room furniture. You’d sold your couches and tables. You didn't have your own place anymore, didn't know when you would again and since you we’re currently unemployed, you could use all of the extra cash that you could get.

That was you:

Living back at home. Job less. And broke- because you used that almost all of that furniture money to rent the U-Haul.

In that moment, with those harsh truths, you can't manage to look at your reflection anymore.

After taking a shower and getting ready- contouring and highlighting and concealing all of your self hate away, you do feel a bit better. It was a coping mechanism, yes. But You needed to be presentable anyways, you think.

You’re fine. You are fine, Y/N. Everything’s fine.

If you keep repeating it, and accept it as your reality, you’ll feel better, right?

You linger on that thought as you eat breakfast, which is a definite perk of being back home. Your grandmother stands near the stove- a pan hot and the kitchen full of the delectable smells of not only the omelets she was stirring up, but the crock pot that had who knows what already brewing.

Also, the ever present, and pungent herby smell of marijuana that followed her ever since her accident undercurrents that.

It sure beat the instant oatmeal you used to eat mornings back in the city.

“That smells so ridiculously good” You start as you slide onto one of the chairs at the kitchen bar “Also, good morning, Grams”

“Good morning, baby bird. You’re up early” She comments, as she gives you a knowing side eye “Or did you not sleep at all last night?”

There's honestly no use lying to her. She’d always had this sixth sense when it came to that- it had made your childhood a bitch.

“I slept. A little bit” you defend yourself, pouring yourself the cucumber orange juice she’d made. Sounds weird- is actually extremely refreshing. She likes to make weird concoctions with the fruits and vegetables she grows in her garden.

You get another one of those all knowing looks.

“Okay I didn't sleep as much as I could have, but I was just getting everything else unpacked. I’m finally done” you punctuate with an innocent shrug.

“You unpacked all those boxes? Y/N Y/M/N, there was about twenty of them. You’re not supposed to get unpacked in 24 hours, you need to give yourself time to process this change in your life. I really thought that indica was going to help. You should’a been knocked on your ass” She tells you as she plates up your food and sets it in front of you.

You thank her, and bite your tongue about the whole “processing” thing. She’d been all about that lately- since Grandma Vee died a few months ago and she’d started her group therapies; she’d become some kind of self made, self help guru.

You figure it’s better that then her falling apart.

You’re all kind of waiting for her to fall apart.

“I was thinking i’d go into town and job hunt today” You bring up the topic softly, both of you most of the way through your spinach, bacon, mushroom and goat cheese omelet.

She tutts at you, of course she does.

“I invited you to come back and live with me, I’m not expecting you to pay for anything, you know that” You love the way she words it. You wonder if she really thinks of it that way, that you’re here for her benefit and not the other way around.

“Grams, I get that I really do. But I have like fifteen bucks to my name right now. Even if it’s just something part time, I need to work” You tell her, in complete seriousness.

You’d had a job, steadily, since you were fourteen years old and the broke bitch life wasn’t for you.

She fussed, tells you that you that she is very capable of helping you with whatever you need. Promptly informs you that Grandma Vee’s life insurance will hold both of you down for a long while.

You don’t get how she can talk about her death so easily. Calm and level headed. It’s still that iron hot pain that comes from losing a loved one that burns for you. You’d felt it before and yet it didn’t dull one bit this time around.

“Yeah, that’s gonna be a fuck no from me. You have to use that money for you, grams. You know she’d want you to” is your blunt reply and she chuckles and throws her napkin at you as you stand.

“You watch your language in my fucking house, girl. You’ve always had such a bad potty mouth”

It’s inherited, you don’t tell her.

With a few more words of dissuasion from her and a kiss on the head and the reassurance that you’d still help her with her garden, even if you were working from you, you grab your keys and walk out into the already hot, New Jersey air.

--

It’s summer, mid June and Spring Port is and has always been a resort town. Sea side and picturesque- people flood in during the summer season.

It doesn’t surprise you that the towns square is currently a tourist trap and that parking is hard as shit to find. No matter, you find a space eventually.

Your turquoise Jeep Wrangler is the same one you’d driven before college, that you hadn't taken to the city with you. It has some  issues sometimes- the starters a little finicky and has to be worked on every six months or so, but it honestly still runs like a charm. Can get you from A to B just fine now, and you guess it is way better than subways and busses.

You end up walking around the entire towns square, and you’re glad you’d gone with slides instead of wedges. Everyone seems to be hiring, tourist season and all. And in the end you fill out four applications- handwritten at that which you think is a little funny.

It’s not that Springs Port is tiny really- with a population of 12, 000, there are definitely smaller places. Towns square is actually pretty decently sized- about twenty five or so tiny stores and restaurants scattered along main street. There’s a theater. Three gas stations. You guys don't have a Walmart in the towns perimeters technically- but there's one just a few miles away. And everything's waterfront, the docs a skip away. The Atlantic a continual backdrop.

Compared to New York though, it’s a blip on the map,. It feels smaller to you now that you’ve lived in the big wide world.

You’re walking down the cross of Harbor and Main- on your way to Goodies- which you hear Angie now owns, to meet Wanda and B for lunch when your feet get stuck where you are.

Frozen on the spot.

As you look at the flower shop, that’s overflowing with greenery across the street.

Infinity Flowers-

You can't help the draw to the store. Your feet seem to have a mind of their own- and you end up inside before you can really think of it.

Hell, it smells just like it used to. You haven't stepped foot in here since…

It’s pretty busy in the shop- it always was though. Best flower arrangements in the whole Garden state was it’s slogan, and it only exaggerated a little.

“I’ll be with you in one sec- Oh! Y/N” The bleach blond head that belongs to none other then Mantis bobs as she comes over and envelops you in a tight hug “I heard you we’re back in town! I was wondering when you we’re going to come in. I haven't seen you in so, so long”

She says all of this without letting you go and you chuckle and endure it because this was Mantis. Always such a hugger.

“Yeah, I was just job hunting in town and I thought I’d stop by”

“So you’re back for good then, yes?” She asks, after letting you go. Going to greet another customer warmly, while still managing to small talk to you. She’d always been good at making people feel at ease.

You tell her not really, just for the moment, as you fix the hydrangeas in the window display. They have them all wrong-

“Those we’re always her favorite” Mantis tells you what you already know and you nod and swallow the bit of sadness that bubbles up.

This. Is why you tend to stay away from this store. Thoughts of your late mother assault your psyche here, always- but also...you can't help but feel like you’re supposed to be here. Some of your happiest childhood memories we’re in this shop, surrounded by flowers. You can recall the sound of your mother’s laughter best here…

You leave the shop, after you’ve filled out an application.

You don't know why you did it but-

“I’m pretty sure I just got a job at Infinity Flowers” You inform Wanda and B, who are already sat at a booth in the little pub waiting for you when you get there. Sharon couldn't get a break from the station to come, but you couldn't hate her for it. She was just living her dream.

“Really?” Wanda asks, attempting to choose her words wisely “That's- I would never expect for that to be where you’d decide to work”

“What she means; is do you think that’s a good idea? There’s ghosts for you in there girly” B, Brunhilde(she’d kill anyone who used her full name though) has always been the bolder one in your group of friends. And that would never change.

“Mmm, I don't know what I think. Wanna day drink about it?” You suggest with a shrug as you go to wave down a waitress. One of their house made hard lemonades we’re sounding real good right now…

“Bitch, some of us have to go back to work” Wanda argues while B excitedly agrees, telling you that she’s already started.

Two and a half house lemonades later you are sufficiently buzzed and feeling better. Wanda has to get back to work at the antiques gift shop though, you you leave Angie a hefty tip(or rather your employed friends do) and head out.

It’s hot as hell, honestly and you think you might go sit on the beach for a while until you sober up enough to drive- you’re telling your friends that when you see a patrol car roll up to the bakery on the corner.

Out of the driver's seat exits one Bucky Barnes. AKA your teenage wet dream.

And holy god, does he look good. He’s flanked by a tall dark skinned man who you don't recognize, but who is also pretty damn fine.

You know you’re ogling, and your friends are laughing at you and taunting you, but in that moment you really don't care.

“Hot damn, he is still so fine, oh my god” You groan and Wanda chuckles as she lights up a cigarette.

“Yeah? The dad bod doing it for you?” She questions on an exhale of smoke.

“Totally. Is it possible that he got even more attractive? Like? How? And why did Sharon not tell me about this” You try to pull your eyes away from him, you really do.

But you’re a little drunk and the feelings you’d harbored for the older man come trickling back. Yeah, he’s gained some weight. Is broader- his shoulders big. His whole frame hulking. But he still has that swoon worthy dark hair, and that jawline you could see even from here. You wonder if his eyes we’re still that stormy blue color that you’d spent literal years dreaming about...You desperately wish you could go up and take a closer look.

“He’s really been hitting those doughnuts since the divorce, huh?” B snarks and you turn a cold glare at her.

“Don't body shame him. That’s disgusting” You snap and she holds up a hand.

“Jesus, you know I’m just kidding. I forgot how fucking touchy you are about him” She defends herself and you try not to go on a rant about how talking about anyone's body, male female or anyone in between.

You end up doing it anyway and the whole time Wanda grins and tells you how much she’s missed you, and B tells you how much of a sensitive cunt you are.

All in all, it’s good to be home. Even if you are a total failure of a human being at the moment, your brain can't help but tac on to the end. As you watch the police cruiser pull out of the parking lot, and think about the man that sits inside- you think about the fact that you aren't sixteen anymore. And he’s not married...

And in that moment- you realize just how good it is to be home. 

And there it is. If you'd like to be tagged in future chapters, please let me know! I’m thinking, and have this planned out to be about five chapters. Just a sexy, juicy, emotional quick read. Some Angst ridden smut coming your way!

Also- I appreciate reviews and reblogs more than you could imagine. They are literally fuel for me- so if you can spare some time to give me your opinion, I’d love you forever!

@gifsbysimplysonia @peacefulwriter88 @prettybubblesintheair @lostinthoughtsandfeelings @lostinspace33 @4theluvofall @plumfondler @tatathekissypotato @jaamesbbarnes @jalapenobarnes @siren-kitten-his @brieannakeogh @skishenanigans @paulxrudd

[douxreviews]

Star Trek: Discovery - ‘New Eden’ Review

Pike: "If you're telling me that this ship can skip across the universe on a highway made of mushrooms, I kind of have to take it on faith."

By nature I love brevity: Though the improvements to Discovery as a whole continue to do their work, this episode is bogged down by its attempt at religious themes when it lacks a clear understanding of religion.

'New Eden' starts out with the same log that closed out last week's 'Brother.' The opening scene with Burnham and Pike is a good example of the new status quo aboard the Disco. The friendlier, more team-oriented leadership of Captain Pike combined with the more relaxed, less anxious tone of the series as a whole make the scenes on the Disco herself work well. The character interactions were good, particularly between Saru and Tilly. I also thought the final solution looked really cool, even if there are numerous science gripes one could take. It was fairly obvious that Tilly's friend wasn't real, and once we found out it was a friend from her childhood, I guessed that she was dead. Still, that didn't make their interactions any less fun to watch, and the moment Tilly figures out that May is dead was sufficiently creepy. I think it's Mary Wiseman's expression that really sells it.

My chief gripe with the episode lies in the scenes set on the planet. To explain fully why I don't like these sequences, I'll have to get pretty in depth with philosophy. If you're not interested in reading all that, the TL;DR is that the episode fails to understand religion or religious people enough to portray them realistically, and that its attempts to stay above religious disagreements and not take sides lead it to unintentionally choose a different side entirely. There's a lot more to unpack than just that, though, and that's really the bulk of what I have to say about this episode, so continue on if you are interested in engaging your philosophical side.

There's an old story about five blind wise men wandering through the desert. After a time, they come across an elephant, and unable to see it, they reach out to touch the creature. The first grabs hold of the leg and declares, 'The elephant is like a tree.' The second grabs hold of the trunk and says, 'No, the elephant is like a snake.' The third grabs hold of the tail and corrects both, 'No, the elephant is like a rope.' The fourth grabs hold of the ear and informs them, 'The elephant is actually like a heavy piece of leather.' And the final one grabs hold of the elephant's side and says, 'It's clear the elephant is like a wall.' The five blind wise men go on their way, arguing about who is right and really knows what the elephant is like.

Anyone who's ever sat through a philosophy class will tell you the purpose of the story and its moral: the five blind wise men cannot agree on what the elephant is like because none of them has the full picture. Each has a piece of the puzzle, but none of them can see the totality of the elephant. This is then used as an analogy for God. No one religion can have the whole picture because we are all blind wise men who have only a part of it right. From the ideological basis that this story illustrates have come a multitude of pluralistic movements and systems of thought. Someone who has a 'Coexist' bumper sticker on their car or who describes themself as 'Generally spiritual, but not confined to any religion' probably derives their worldview from this basic concept. Though I happen to disagree with this idea of God, I won't argue this here. The problem comes when this is touted as a religious awakening that all religious people should agree with and get behind.

Let me ask you this: how do you know that the five blind wise men all have only a part of the puzzle? How do you know that the whole elephant isn't really like a rope, or a tree? The answer, of course, is because you know what the elephant is really like. It's because you can see. So someone who takes this analogy from the story of the five blind wise men and the elephant makes the following claim: Of all the many people on Earth who have searched for the truth, I alone can see. This is, of course, the central claim of anyone who believes they know what God is like. So the 'Coexist' spirituality is itself a religion, with its own view of God, though perhaps a view that's not definitively established. And because it is a separate religion in and of itself, it contradicts the other religions that it often claims to incorporate into its beliefs.

A monotheistic religion, like Christianity or Judaism or Islam, explicitly requires that its deity be the only true deity, and the only correct view of that deity. No one who truly believes in the Biblical God or Yahweh or Allah would ever decide that, just because everyone in their group believes something different, their true savior must be a part of all of those beliefs. The expectation that this will occur assumes both that all religions are essentially compatible with each other and that the amalgamation of these religions is a true cooperation of all of them rather than a separate religion itself. Both assumptions are false.

The resulting misconception of religion makes 'New Eden' somewhat hard to watch for a religious person like myself. Going the route of a combination of every religion is a clear attempt to not have to choose a side, but in the very attempt it chooses a side all its own. And making it so much about sides creates the friction between belief systems we see nowadays. Instead of pretending we all believe essentially the same thing, let's recognize where we disagree and be human beings together apart from that. Of course you should try to convince people if you truly believe you are right - it's an important question - but if you can't live with someone who makes a different choice about where they put their faith, you're in for a difficult life. This, along with the whole science vs. faith theme - a trope that needs to die - make all of the sequences on the planet fall flat and far short of where they could be.

The execution of this episode was perfectly fine, I just didn't like the writing choices they made on the planet. Jonathan Frakes continues to serve as a competent and proficient director, and all the acting was good. Sonequa Martin-Green seems to have settled into the role of Burnham much more this season, which I appreciate, and all our main characters continue to do well.

Strange New Worlds:

The planet was called Terralysium by its inhabitants. What we saw of it seemed like a fairly run-of-the-mill small country town.

New Life and New Civilizations:

The Red Angel continues to overshadow the season. It's also possible that the being who looks like May is actually some other creature. As far as civilizations go, the New Edeners fell flat.

Pensees:

-Spock is in a psych ward at Starbase 5. Huh.

-Pike has already redecorated his ready room so it has seats.

-I liked Stamets' fears that he'll see Culber in the network and won't be able to leave. Since Wilson Cruz is a regular this season, expect more of that.

-So, after all that pluralistic vague religion, mushrooms are the source of eternal life? Okay then.

-We heard a bit about WWIII, an event well-documented in Trek history.

-Lt. Owosekun grew up in a Luddite community, huh? I bet her parents weren't too thrilled with her decision to join the high-tech Starfleet.

-If the asteroid material weighs so much, how was Burnham able to hold a chunk of it last episode?

-It was great to see Saru acting as a mentor to Tilly. More, please; those are my two favorite characters!

-Stamets knew exactly what was going on on the bridge before he even entered. Hmmm...

-So, it's quite the coincidence that the Red Angel happened to grab a group of soldiers that contained at least one Christian, one Jew, one Muslim, one Buddhist, one Hindu, one Shintoist, and one Wiccan. Seems unlikely that you'd find that sort of cross-section of religions in any group of soldiers. Also, every one of them had a copy of their scripture on them at the time?

-I love Detmer's reaction to Tilly's plan. Actually, I just love Detmer in general.

-The one bit of religious theme/imagery I really appreciated was at the end when Jacob plugs the power source into the church and the lights turn on. They'd said that the reason pilgrimages had stopped was because the lights were off, and here science solved that problem. Science fueled faith, which is a cooperation of the two that you don't often see in television.

-I'm surprised they so easily used the spore drive. I thought after the end of last season it would take a whole lot for them to use it again.

Quotes:

Saru: "Before we can care for others, we must care for ourselves."

Tilly: "No, I think your orders are probably good. I need to go pass out now."

Pike: "Don't make me laugh." Burnham: "Fortunately for you, I was raised on Vulcan. We don't do funny." Pike: *laughs*

Burnham: "Sir, I learned the hard way what not following orders can lead to."

3 out of 6 fungi of eternal life.

CoramDeo got tired of sitting around and picking blackberries.

[sunbabyhcs]

persimin hcs!

so!!!!

u and minho had some Humble Beginnings

u moved to gimpo as a child let’s say around 14, so the start of 8th grade in korea’s school system!!

ur mom has taken up a job offering which required her to transfer there so y’all packed TF UP and YEETED

anyways minho is a year ur senior and usually u wouldn’t see him often yknow cause class differences and he’s a Whole Year Ahead

but!!!! u had conveniently moved into the house across the street!!

15 year old minho kinda just stared at u and ur mom unloading boxes from the window in his living room

of course his mom noticed her son is Weird but he doesn’t just stare outside windows for No Gotdamn Reason

and when she looks outside with her son she just goes “:^)”

“minho!!! why don’t u help them unpack?”

she literally shoves him out the door and closes it saying “be polite!” and minho is just staring at the door like

“i’m running away”

nonetheless he walks over and originally he’s like “i’m okay!!!! i’m just gonna help them unpack and be nice and i’ll go back to my room and pack my shit in some bundles then-“

lol what the fuck is a train of thought???? minho doesn’t know

u noticed him coming over and poked ur mom’s shoulder, saying smth in a language he’d probably kill himself over trying to understand it and u turn back to jog/skip over

wee woo wee woo wee woo wee woo WEE WOO

minho’s kinda just like shutting down lol why is a cute girl suddenly his brain can’t form a single word wait sHES COMING CLOSER FUC-

“hi!!”

we’re here today to grieve the loss of lee minho’s heart

LITERALLY HE JUST FUCKIGN STARES AT U LIKE “( ・∇・)“

AND U LIKE WAVE UR HAND IN HIS FACE LIKE “hello???? sir????”

minho just snaps out of it and grabs the box from ur arms ASKCNALXH

u just stare at him like “dude what the fuck” for 0.2 seconds before ur going after him like “hello?!?!!?!?! WHO ARE U?!?!?!?!!”

he turns around right and u weren’t PREPARED

his smile is brighter than the sun who told god that this was allowed?????

“i’m lee minho, i live across the street and my mom kicked me out of my house to help u unpack!”

he said that so nonchalantly that u just went “(・・?) ur mom kicked u out”

“yeah she does that a lot”

LEE MINHO W H A T

after Unpacking Day u two just naturally stuck together!!!!

u were the new kid at school and minho kinda became ur Guardian Angel

like

seriously he didn’t leave ur side unless it was for class 

and after class he’d meet u at ur locker to walk u to ur next period and u just HDJAKFHKADN

it was. scarily easy to develop a crush on ur neighbor like u didn’t even realize it at first tbh

u only noticed it aka it hit u in ur fucking face when he grabbed ur hand in the halls bc it was more crowded than usual

and minho looked back to see if u were holding on and following and when he smiled that rlly toothy sunshine smile?

ur heart melted

of course u didn’t TELL HIM WHAT KINDA CONCEPT IS THAT DENIED! LOCKED IN THE DUNGEON!

it was a few years later that it just slipped FROM HIM

u were in ur junior year and minho a senior

it wasn’t even like a weird day where something different was going on w what u two were doing

like u were just laying on ur bed and minho was on the floor beside it like y’all had done since u first moved across the street

and there was soft lofi music just echoing around ur room quietly right???

minho just kinda sets his notebook aside and pushes his psych book away from him before he starts SLAMMING HIS PALM AGAINST UR MATTRESS

U BOUT NEAR HAD A H E A R T A T T A C K

“WHAT THE FUCK MINHO?!?!?!???!”

but when u see him looking up at u like u put the stars in the sky ur heart just goes “fuck”

“lets get ice cream” but it’s more like a demand cause he’s dragging u off ur bed before u can even comprehend what’s going on

y’all end up at the local ice cream parlor and ur eating ur ice cream and minho’s like trying to eat his but he can’t stop looking at u like

is he rlly gonna..... do this? is he gonna risk losing u? just because he wants - well needs - to get his feelings out there?

yeah lol

“hey, persi.”

when u look @ him from over ur ice cream his heart just melts and he starts malfunctioning JDKANSK

but!!! he must carry on!!!!

“yeah minho???”

“i like u.”

that day in the ice cream parlor changed everything

at least it felt like it did because u two had started dating after that

FAST FORWARD TO PRESENT DAY!!!!

u and minho literally DONT LET EACH OTHER LIVE AJDKSBXKAB

“hey baby can u give soonie a can of tuna or smth?”

“hey baby can u pick up ur fucking laundry?”

“（╹◡╹） i’m sacrificing u to the cat gods”

BUT U GUYS ARE ACTUALLY RLLY CUTE!!!!

when u want to be????

one of minho’s favorite things to do is lock pinkies with u!!!! he loves interlocking fingers when y’all hold hands but!!!!

linking pinkies seems so much more intimate to him he feels so (๑>◡<๑) when ur pinkies are locked together

he doesn’t make it easy to be affectionate LOL

like if u want to kiss him on the nose or cheeks or ANYWHERE he dodges everything like his life depends on it until u just

smoosh his face between ur hands and attack him w kisses

sometimes u wonder if he loves his cats more than u

he does

when he’s in a soft mood tho it’s SO OBVIOUS

he literally stares at u like ♡o｡(๑◕ฺ‿ฺ◕ฺ๑)｡o♡

on those days ur lucky if u leave the bed for some snacks cause he won’t let u go

he will never let u go

not until his cuddles quota has been met

going to his dance practices!!!!! and him going to ur presentations/talks for ur history classes!!!!!

both of u just go (๑♡⌓♡๑) the ENTIRE TIME when ur at smth the other loves doing

ur always there to cheer him on for his local dance competitions w his team and he’s always there to support u when u have a big presentation in one of ur classes!!!!

he lowkey like breaks into the classroom to watch but the kids in ur class know he’s the Supportive Boyfie so they cover for him

kissing attacks after either of u finish ur Big Moment? inevitable!

minho loves u so much like wtf he would drop kick the president of korea for u

u thought this would be just fluff

well

(｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

lol we are ALL aware of the scorpio energy that literally RADIATES from minho’s natal chart

this comes out OH DOES IT COME OUT

ur like vvv submissive and minho Knows This and he Takes Full Advantage over it

lol when u accidentally let it slip One Night that u like being tied up and degraded minho just goes “oh rlly?” and ur like “yah lol” and then ur like “(　ﾟдﾟ) oh no” and minho’s like “:^)”

okay he doesn’t like using rope rope to tie u up u feel???? he’s v much a scorpio radiating man but he prefers using silk to tie ur wrists together uwu

when he’s degrading u he either calls u his dirty little cumslut or his babygirl there’s no inbetween

when he pulls out the former u know it’s gonna be a Long Night because when he REALLY pulls out the dirty talk he’s going ALL OUT BOYS

he likes leaving hickeys anywhere he can honestly ur lucky if ur entire body isn’t covered in them the next morning

oh yeah he’s a dancer too so u already KNOW he knows how to use his hips and he has hella stamina u could be on the verge of tears cause ur so DEAD

but minho’s like. barely broken a sweat and he’s all :) i’m not done yet babygirl :)

also he’s a god at eating u out like he’s RLLY good at it but what do u expect that boy can...... rlly go all out..........

aftercare is such a soft thing w him tho!!!!

he’s not always real good w being overly affectionate but after sex he really tries his best

he’ll run a bath for u and do whatever he can to make sure ur a1 and all glowy and happy

BACK TO THE SUGAR

he’s not good with his words and he much rather prefers to show his love for u through small actions

little love letters, small notes around the apartment for u, bringing home ur favorite flowers and peach tea for u after a Long Day At Uni, all of it!!!

u two know that u love each other more than there are stars in the sky, so u don’t tend to say “i love u” like ur life depends on it

on days where ur mental health seems to eat u from the inside out, minho’s there to hold u and do what u want or need

but sometimes just being in his arms is enough to ground u and help u feel just a little bit better

minho’s just always thankful that u moved across the street from his childhood home all those years ago

and he’s so thankful his mom pushed him outside to help u and ur mom unpack because without that

he wouldn’t have met his soulmate, the love of his life

and when he pulls out a small box like it’s nothing and slides it to ur side of the table during one of ur guys’ anniversary dinners

and when he watches u open it and tear up before looking at him and just going “jesus fuck of course i will minho”

he knows there could’ve never been anyone else for him.

[cloverr-fields]

All odd numbers of the cute asks

Oh goodness, this is gonna be a long one but here we go!! 

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? Probably one of my roommates, but not in like a walking-talking sense! It was more like she came into my room and took my hand lol

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? A bunch of people, actually! I’m looking forward to seeing my best friend when she sleeps over this week, and I’m looking forward to seeing my mom and other best friend when I go back home in three months. 

5. If you were drunk, would the person you like take care of you? Without question, although I think I’d be okay! I don’t usually get drunk, and I’m generally the friend who’s taking care of people lol. They’d probably be laughing at my ridiculousness a lot. 

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? I mean, I don’t know….. Would I like to be? Ideally, but I’m also in the middle of classes and I don’t really know how that’d work out practically. 

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Nope~ I’m really open about those kinds of things tbh. 

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? Let me go find it…. “Ohhh okay” (Sorry, I know it’s pretty unexciting) 

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? Yes yes yes yes yessssss it is the number one thing to do that calms me right down (besides hugs). 

15. What good thing happened this summer? This past summer, I spent most of my time in camp and with friends, and that was super fun. I got really close with people that I didn’t expect to! Also, I moved to Israel! 

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? Define life. Bacteria and other protozoic life forms, definitely. I don’t know if I totally buy into the idea of intelligent life forms on other planets and aliens like the Hollywood movies show. 

19. Do you like bubble baths? I love them, but I don’t take them very often. Lush is one of my favorite stores, I love bath time products. 

21. What are your bad habits? I bite my nails sometimes, but I’m trying to get over that and I’m managing it really well! I’m also a tapper, and I tend to grind my teeth/hum when I’m not paying attention. I also chew gum a lot and bite the little clip things off of mechanical pencils…..

23. Do you have trust issues? Some, yeah. Depends on with who and regarding what, though. I stopped journaling for a long while because of trust issues, but I’m super open with people and I consider everyone trustworthy until proven otherwise, in most cases! 

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? My stomach. I hate it. 

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? I wish I was more tan, but otherwise not really! 

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? Yeah. 

31. Is your hair long enough for a ponytail? I refuse to cut my hair so short that it would not be. So yes, absolutely. 

33. Spell your name with your chin. eliusahewv casYes, that is definitely my name. Not too far off tho!

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? TV hands down. I depend on music like you wouldn’t believe. 

37. What do you say during awkward silences? Usually nothing tbh…. I’m not really the one to break them. But I usually try and do an “anyway” segway or something like that. 

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? Lush, Bath and Body Works, Barnes and Nobles, Target, Macy’s, Bloomingdales. 

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? Yes, but a limited one. Your second chance with me is usually your last, and if you hurt me again I drop you entirely. I try to keep that my policy, but there are definitely exceptions. 

43. Do you smile at strangers? Absolutely. I smiled at a bunch today! 

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? Talking to my friends, and my alarm clock. Also, eventually I just get fed up with my own laziness too, so there’s that. 

47. Have you ever been high? No, and I don’t plan on it. 

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out? Yes, and I really hope that they don’t. It was nothing bad, before you get any ideas! It’s just…. Something personal, if that makes sense? 

51. Ever wished you were someone else? Yes, and I still do at times. That’s something I’m trying to work on. 

53. Favorite makeup brand? The only brand name things of makeup I have come from Bobbi Brown, I think, so maybe I’ll default to them? Or Mac? 

55. Favorite blog? I don’t really have one, honestly…. I like a lot of different bloggers and people!

57. Favorite food? Pizza, hands down. 

59. First thing you ate this morning? Wacky mac. I didn’t have a very nutritional breakfast. 

61. Ever been suspended/expelled? For what? Oh God no. I think I would die. 

63. Ever been in love? This is a complicated question. I’ve had a lot of strong feelings for people before, but I think there’s maybe one person I would say that I’ve been in love with. We broke things off a while ago, and we’re good friends now, but I still have a lot of feelings for her. 

65. Are you hungry right now? I’m so hungry tbh I’m waiting for my roommate to get out of the shower so that we can go pick up sushi. 

67. Facebook or Twitter? Facebook, but simply because I don’t use my Twitter like ever. 

69. Are you watching TV right now? Nope! I’m looking between this answer and the question list lol

71. Craving something? What? Sushi omg I want it so bad I’m so hungry

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? I do, actually! I have a teddy bear that my mom gave me when I last was home, and it helps me sleep at night when I’m homesick or in a bad place. I’m a very touchy-huggy person so to me it’s a big help. 

75. Favorite animal? Any form of feline. I love cats. 

77. Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate all the way. 

79. What color shirt are you wearing? Black, actually! It’s got a pretty blue and white pattern/design thing too! 

81. Favorite TV show? Ummm probably Psych? Not sure, I have to think on this one a little more. Maybe Bones? 

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? I’ve never seen the second one, so Mean Girls? 

85. Favorite character from Mean Girls? Karen. (I think? It’s been a while since I’ve watched it) 

87. First person you talked to today? It was either @justanotherurl-not​ or @mizuritamanami​ but I don’t know for certain. 

89. Name a person you hate? A particular girl from high school might fit this description. For her privacy, I’ll just call her Sam. 

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? At this exact moment, no. 

93. How many sweatpants do you have? So many pairs omg. My high school gave them out religiously. 

95. Last movie you watched? The Greatest Showman (WHICH EVERYONE SHOULD WATCH IT’S SO GOOD) 

97. Favorite actor? Ummm not sure. That’s a very good question. Probably someone like Leonardo DiCaprio, or Chris Evans maybe? 

99. Have any pets? No, unfortunately, but I plan on getting a cat sometime soon! 

101. Do you type fast? Yeah, and I can more or less touch type now! I’ve memorized my laptop keyboard lol thanks Mavis Beacon! 

103. Can you spell well? Usually I’m very good with spelling. My mom likes to joke that it’s because I read the dictionary when I was younger (which I did, so maybe she has a point). 

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? The only one that might qualify I’m not going to count, so nope! Maybe someday! 

107. Have you ever been on a horse? Yes, and I love horseback riding so much. I highly recommend it to anyone who hasn’t gone- it’s so relaxing and I had the best time doing it. 

109. Is something irritating you right now? Someone, but yes. It’s not their fault, though, so I probably won’t say anything to them. 

111. Do you have trust issues? I think this was already a question on this ask….?

113. What was your childhood nickname? It’s not really shorter than my name, but my mom used to call me her “princess ballerina.” 

115. Do you play the Wii? I did, but I haven’t in four or five years, since we moved and never unpacked it. 

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? Who doesn’t? 

119. Favorite book? Right now, probably The Somnabulist by Jonathan Bates, but I love almost every book I’ve read. The Eragon series is also one of my favorites, and I love classical literature, like A Tale of Two Cities and The Sun Also Rises. 

121. Are you mean? I can be, if I want to or have to be. But I hate it, so I try very hard to steer clear. 

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? I can’t keep any shoes clean.

125. Do you believe in true love? Yes, but I believe that it’s usually something that grows with time and isn’t just magically found. 

127. What makes you happy? Music, good food, friends, a good book, a good movie, rewatching old anime series that I haven’t seen in a while, etc. Flowers, cats, pretty things. I’m a girl of simple pleasures. 

129. What’s your zodiac sign? Taurus! (April 28th is my birthday!) 

131. Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? This one hits a little close to home at the moment. It depends on the circumstances. 

133. Favorite lyrics right now? “She’s the tear in my heart/she’s a carver/she’s a butcher with a smile/cut me farther than I’ve ever been,” -Tear in My Heart, twenty one pilots

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? I really don’t know. Maybe that I was British? but I wound up fooling the teacher for two weeks, so.

137. How tall are you? 5′4″!

139. Brunette or blonde? I’ve always wanted to be a blonde, but I have recently started liking my hair (I’m a brunette) although I definitely have a thing for blondes. 

141. Night or day? Night has always been more peaceful to me, but I love the sunshine. Maybe like twilight time? 

143. Are you a vegetarian? No, but I could be if I wanted to! 

145. Tea or coffee? Tea is what I like better, but I definitely appreciate a good cup of coffee with plenty of milk and sugar. 

147. Mars or Snickers? I had a Mars bar for the first time this year, and I definitely prefer it. 

149. Do you believe in ghosts? Absolutely. I love watching all of the ghost hunting shows, even though I know they’re bullshit and I kinda believe them lol

Okay!! I made it through all of them! I hope the answers were satisfactory and thank you so much for asking, you wonderful person!!! 

Ask me anything               This ask list

[lakewitchjournal]

Talking Tarot - 005

Okay, so I’m probably most excited to talk about this. The imagery, the endless interpretations, this tool is absolute magic and has definitely been a ‘gateway drug’ for me. I’m going to speak a little to my past experience with tarot first.

In the past I’ve been extremely wary of tarot, having grown up in a Christian household, I was led to believe that this tool was satanic, and obviously, something you shouldn’t mess with. In high school on a music field trip to Boston, an upper year (definitely a creep man) offered my friend and I a reading. We declined, mainly because the guy was a creep. But my curiosity was piqued. I never looked into it then for fear my parents would find out, and also for fear of evil spirits, haha. 6 (maybe 7?) years later, I’m in my second year of University moving into an apartment with my best friend Z. While we were unpacking, she revealed that she got a tarot deck that summer and was attempting to learn how to read tarot. I got my back up. A lot of time had passed since I was first offered a reading, and my fear towards it had grown. That year, I asked that Z only do tarot when I wasn’t home, and that she was careful ‘not to invite anything’. Two years later, Z and I were living in a new place, and Z asked if she could try a practice reading on me. By this point I had left a lot of my childhood Christian beliefs by the wayside, and I wasn’t as afraid. Certainly still wary. I accepted, and was surprised to discover that the cards intrigued me. From then on, Z would ask if she could practice on me every so often, and was always pleasantly surprised by her readings (her readings are very fun and accurate). One night, I had an important decision to make regarding my career and asked Z if she could consult the cards for me. She did a simple three card spread (a yes/no scenario), and some of the cards made sense, but others didn’t make sense until months later. That was it for me. (Also I asked her to doing readings at a kick off event, which went very well, she got lots of practice!) A year later, I had moved in with my partner, and Z came to visit often. At this point I was just starting to dip my toe in to witchcraft and the occult. One day she was visiting, ask if she could bring her deck and if she could help me consult the cards. I had downloaded the Labyrinthos app and was using it to familiarize myself with the cards, and wanted to test out my developing skills. After trying my own hand at it, I decided that I wanted my own deck.

I got a deck from Book Depository, and a few weeks later it arrived. I know there’s this superstition around buying your own deck and someone else should really buy it for you, but I think that’s poppycock. I was so excited. For a while I did daily card draws, but fell out of practice after going to Australia as I didn’t take the deck with me. Before going to Australia, I went to a free reading event at a local New Age shop (they can be a bit kooky and overpriced, but hey it was free!), and had a great general reading from a guy there. He was pretty spot on with describing my personality, and he encouraged me to embrace ‘my weird side’. A great piece of advice. As I mentioned earlier in this post, I’ve been reading lots of books relating to tarot to help develop my reading ability. I’ve found that trusting my gut instincts has been the hardest part, and certainly relearning to trust those gut instincts in general. I usually always have my deck on me, I carry it in my backpack in an index card carrying case (which are great for holding and protecting tarot decks by the way, you can get them from the dollar store). Unfortunately, I haven’t had the chance to use it all that much yet.

I know there’s a couple different ways to cleanse a tarot deck, and this is something I’m still feeling out. How often my deck needs cleansing, whether or not someone else should touch my cards, all that. When I first got the deck I passed it through incense smoke a few times and placed it on a stick of selenite. I think this is something I’ll continue feeling out.

So far, my understanding of tarot is that it’s a useful tool that can allow you to delve into your psyche and view questions/decisions/issues/conflicts/relationships/etc. from a new perspective. Tarot isn’t for ‘fortune-telling’. Tarot is a tool to help you better understand what you already know. It’s a tool that can connect the dots. Sometimes what it tells you won’t make much sense until later on, and yes it can give you hints as to what’s ahead in the road, but it certainly can’t be used as a crutch. I’ve already set some boundaries for myself in how I can consult the tarot. Such as, I can’t ask any distant future questions, any romantic relationship related questions, or any questions related to my or my family’s health. There’s somethings that shouldn’t be looked into, and knowing myself, it wouldn’t help if I looked into them.

To begin with I got the traditional Rider-Waite-Smith deck, but I’m saving up to get a Marseilles deck, as well as The Modern Witch deck (by Lisa Sterle, it’s BEAUTIFUL), which comes out next month! Ultimately, I’d love to design my own deck one day, but would like to accomplish being able to read and get to know the major/minor arcana really well before creating my own interpretations. 

I’m still building up a relationship with my first deck, and can’t help but feel it’s got a bit of a stingy personality. Maybe I’m just reading it wrong? I’m not sure. But I’d definitely like to keep track of this. 

In the meantime I’m using tools like the Labyrinthos app and a huge array of books to help me learn how to read tarot. Another resource I’m going to check out is the Tarot for the Wild Soul podcast by Lindsay Mack. She was featured on The Witch Wave and was really interested in what she had to say about tarot! I’m also hoping to continue my daily card reading, I found that was helpful and interesting when I was keeping up with that. Certainly helped give me a focus for my day. I’ve also started a notebook keeping track of the different interpretations I’ve encountered.

That’s about it for now, I’ll certainly be posting more regarding tarot in the future!

October 7, 2019

[archerton84-blog]

This Is Us Recap: Did the Best Man Win?

Need to catch up? Check out the previous This Is Us recap here.

Q: What do This Is Us‘ Randall Pearson and the Philadelphia Flyers’ mascot Gritty have in common?

A: They both hit it big — and quickly — in the City of Brotherly Love.

Yup, this week’s episode reveals that Randall managed to eke out a win in his contentious campaign for Solomon Brown’s city council seat, no matter how impossible that outcome seemed the last time we saw him. And he’s able to do so without completely obliterating his marriage to Beth… though at one point, it’s a close thing.

RELATEDPost Mortem: This Is Us‘ Sterling K. Brown Talks Randall’s Big Political Victory, Teases Goran Visnjic’s ‘Passion’-Filled Role

The hour begins on Election Night and then rewinds to seven weeks earlier, which allows us to watch Kevin and Zoe navigate the rocky channel of cohabitation and then stumble on a major clue in the Uncle Nicky mystery.Read on for the highlights of “The Last Seven Weeks.”

ELECTION NIGHT | At Randall’s campaign headquarters, Brown is only four percentage points ahead of Randall: The race officially is too close to call. Rebecca and Miguel are on hand to wait it out with the candidate, as are Zoe, Kevin, Beth and the girls. Things are weird between Kevin and Zoe, and when she says “I can’t do this” and hands him a key ring featuring a photo of John Stamos from the Early Katsopolis era, the mood between the two is even more strained.

SEVEN WEEKS BEFORE ELECTION NIGHT | On the morning immediately following the events of the fall finale, Beth is incensed to learn that Randall plans to continue his campaign, despite her insistence that she will no longer support him. He claims to have it under control — he even ordered an audiobook by Ellen DeGeneres’ mom in order to better understand Tess’ burgeoning sexual identity! — but Beth isn’t swayed one inch. “You cannot audiobook your way through our daughter’s life,” she replies, making it clear that he is on his own. Randall has a flashback to when he and Jack visited Washington, D.C.. “What a great life you’re going to have. What a great man you’re going to be,” the elder Pearson tells his teen son.

Kate tells Toby that she’s ready to turn their office into a nursery, “so you have to sell all of your toys.” (She’s referring to collectible action figures and the like.) He looks slightly pained.

Kevin and Zoe return from Vietnam with a ton of questions — Did Nicky ever return to the United States? Did Jack know his brother wasn’t dead? Was this a Dick Whitman-type situation?  — but that gets tabled when Zoe casually refers to his apartment as “home,” prompting Kevin to invite her to move in. She’s hesitant, but then she agrees, and he hands her the Stamos key ring. (In case you’re wondering: It was a gift from his Full House-obsessed nieces.)

FIVE WEEKS BEFORE ELECTION NIGHT | Randall is still 10 points behind Brown in the polls, despite his volunteers’ fervent efforts (hi, Chichi!), and he’s been staying overnight in Philadelphia more often. As you might have guessed, Beth is still not on board with this plan. In the flashback, teen Randall worries about balancing his future family against his future job, and Papa Pearson good-naturedly teases him about it.

Thanks to some unclear box markings and an overzealous Kate, Toby’s full set of 1977 Star Wars action figures have been sold for $10 to a fellow student at her college. “They’re just toys,” she reasons as Toby fumes, but he sadly says that they’ve been with him forever and he wanted to pass them on to his son.

At the Veterans’ Administration, a clerk says she can’t release Nicky’s records to Kevin without documentation — though getting a VIP to authorize the release would probably do the trick. (Side note: I love how thoroughly uncharmed the woman is by all of Kevin’s attempts to charm her.) Zoe says she might be able to help: She dated a congressman for a while.

THREE WEEKS BEFORE ELECTION NIGHT | On the drive back to Alpine, Randall hears Brown point out that Beth and the kids haven’t been seen much in Philly lately. So he’s super angry as he returns home and demands that his family join him for events. She’s wrapping Christmas presents and points out that he has no idea what’s in the boxes because he hasn’t been around much for weeks. Then things get ugly. “Are you really mad at me, Beth?” he asks. “Or are you mad that I got something that I care about right now and you don’t?” DAMN. Then, he points out that he stayed at home with the girls all last year and didn’t complain. Beth wisely exits the room “before you say something else you’re going to regret.”

Zoe’s ex, it turns out, is still quite angry about the way they broke up after dating for a couple of years: She sent him an email, and that was it. The congressman agrees to help release Nicky’s records, but he’s not real happy about it.

TWO WEEKS BEFORE ELECTION NIGHT | On New Year’s Eve, Jae-wan runs into campaign headquarters with a gift for Randall: Proof that his political opponent was arrested for driving while intoxicated years ago, but paid off the cops and the local press to bury the incident. They’ll deliver the goods to the media the next day; for now, Randall heads to a diner to buy a blueberry pie, because eating blueberry pie at midnight is one of their family traditions.

Only problem: The diner he stops at is fresh outta blueberry pie. But Reverend Hawley happens to be sitting at the counter, and his brief inquiry about Randall’s life leads Pearson into a monologue about how “I’m starting to think it might be harder to be a good man than a great man.” He also vaguely mentions that he’s sitting on something that could “change the whole game,” but he doesn’t want to win that way. Hawley listens, then offers up some advice he’s honed after years of attending to his congregants’ death beds: “Act in a way that’ll make you smile when you’re old and gray and lying under a pale pink nursing home blanket, thinking about the life you’ve lived,” the older man says. “You do that, you’ll be the man your father wanted.” Then he takes pity on Randall and hands him the blueberry pie he’d bought to take home. On the way out, Randall crumples the envelope of evidence incriminating Brown and tosses it into the garbage.

Back at home, Beth is icy to Randall but thaws as he interrupts their New Year’s Eve revelry to apologize for everything he’s missed in the weeks prior. “This family is what makes me special. You four. You’re what make me great. And I’m sorry if I haven’t done a good enough job of showing you that lately,” he says. Then he pulls out the pie, and it appears that Beth is willing to forgive her man.

Kate tries to play the “I’m pregnant and my house burned down and my dad died and I have nothing from my own childhood including the replica of Three Rivers Stadium that my dad made me to give my baby” card, but the college kid she sold the Star Wars toys to is unmoved.

Nicky’s file reveals that he was medevac’d out of Vietnam in 1971, sent for a psych evaluation and eventually signed his discharge papers “Clark Kent.” But Kevin is pissy when Zoe wants to talk about it, and that’s because he can’t shake the feeling that she’s going to leave him like she left the Congressman. After all, she hasn’t even unpacked her boxes at his place yet. Feeling attacked, Zoe counters that she only moved in to make him happy and that he’s pushing her to do things she’s not comfortable with.

A FEW DAYS BEFORE ELECTION NIGHT | Upon realizing that Randall plans to skip Rev. Hawley’s service the Sunday before the election, she tells him he has to go — and she’ll go with him. “I will not let you forget who you are. I should’ve had your back. You need to finish this campaign,” she says. And it’s a good thing, too, because during his remarks from the pulpit, Hawley calls Randall “fundamentally decent” and tells the congregation that Philadelphia would be in capable hands with either Randall or Brown in office. (Hawley also makes mention of Randall’s two-hour-one-way drive between Alpine and Philadelphia, and we feel seen.)

Beth surprises Toby with replacements of his action figures, but he’s still bummed that they’re not his action figures. She tries to cheer him up by saying, “I know with every part of me that you are going to be our son’s favorite thing.”

ELECTION NIGHT, AGAIN | In California, Toby calls Kate into the nursery to show her the finished decorations… and the replica of Three Rivers Stadium he commissioned a dollhouse maker to create in order to replace the one she’d lost in the fire. She cries a lot, but she’s touched. “For the record,” Toby adds, “I’m going to be our kid’s second favorite thing. You’re the first.”

In Philadelphia, it becomes clear that the official election results won’t be in until after midnight. So Randall thanks everyone who worked on his campaign and sends them home. Outside, Zoe tells Kevin that he’s one of the only people who knows about her dad and what he did to her, and that it’s always been important for her to feel she has her own, secure space. But she does want to live with Kevin, she says. “I think I like what you’re pushing for. I’m in love with you. And I want John Stamos back.” Kevin smiles at her and hands the key over, then they go home.

Later, as they’re unpacking, Zoe finds a postcard dated 1992 in a box of Jack’s Vietnam paraphernalia. “Jack, Last one. — C.K.” it reads, along with a return address we recognize as Nicky’s trailer in Bradford, Penn. “My dad knew Nicky was alive. Why would he lie to us?” Kevin wonders aloud.

In bed that night, a very sleepy Randall ruminates on how “sometimes it feels like there’s been a plan for my life from the beginning.” Then he gets a call. After he hangs up, he turns to Beth and somewhat dazedly gives her the news: “I won.”

Now it’s your turn. What did you think of the episode? Hit the comments!

Source: https://tvline.com/2019/01/15/this-is-us-recap-season-3-episode-10-the-last-seven-weeks/