#and also i’ve literally only lifted once before. so im like scared ill fuck up

[bright-and-burning]

seeing oscar’s legs out… i gotta get back into gear… i want to (HEALTHILY) run at least one 40 mile week this summer. i need to start lifting to do that tho 😔 and doing better at protein 😔 i wanna get . what do the brits say. HENCH!!!

[subjectsilver]

5:05 AM on July 23rd

i absoTonight someone got stabbed over a god damn jul pod. 

but lets back up

I have been at school for a week.

I needed to get out of columbus... just like old times there was just nothing left for me there i was just killing myself because of how summer went and how i am and shit whatever. it'll be nice to temporarily go back in the winter and spring and even next summer and i can't wait until then but for now i need to not be there. I need school i need distractions i need people - i need people who are my friends but I'm not too close with - distractions are all i need right now so i don't hurt myself.  

I came back to Wake and literally the first day i was here i heard                       1-800-273-8255 - Logic 3 times by three separate people. Thats a fucking sign if i know it...ive never really heard that song until like that day and now i listen to it every single day...

Everyday i wake up and have running or lifting and i do that in the morning then i just sit and do nothing until playing pick up soccer at night which is kinda shitty bc fuck boredom and fuck routine but its a distraction none the less so its alright with me...

Im destroying my bank account because i have no meal plan so i eat out everyday which is like 10$ a meal cus life is expensive... but at least I'm eating i mean I'm still underweight sitting around 140lbs but I'm not getting any lighter. Tbh i was kind of getting comfortable being skinny because i love the way my baggy t shirts that are too big for me, fall on me when I'm underweight but i know inside i need to get my weight up to be healthy and like sane. but ill get there..i hope - eating as much as i can in hopes to gain weight anyway.

I knew i was forgetting something when i left -  well i forgot a lot but least of all i forgot my contact case so i was sleeping in my contacts for like 5 straight days and that shit killed my eyes but i finally got a case so last night was the first time i slept without them and if i sleep tonight it'll feel good as well.

I'm trying to think about what happened this week but nothing really happens during summer school it kinda sucks. I met all the freshman guys and girls and they all seem pretty cool I've been chilling outside with them  every night when were done with pick up and shit because i have nothing better to do and i like hearing conversation hearing them all talk and reading all of them. Half of them think I'm crazy because i only sleep like 4 hours a night and because my teammates tell them the stories that are my snapchat stories this summer. It is what it is ya know.

SIDENOTE andre keels is currently telling me about how he went on a date with this girl and he's low-key geeking out and its pretty funny, I'm happy for him he deserves the high that follows being low - i hope i get that eventually.

I had a really low night a couple nights ago where i just sat outside listened to jcole and smoked cigarettes by myself but i got thru it.. it just seems like when I'm doing absolutely nothing my mind takes over and i think about all the things that bother me with life or just life itself. its kinda shitty because it seems like when I'm not distracted its like a struggle to keep living like i don't understand the point of living or being alive or life in general so it confuses me why I'm here but i try not to think about it.

I thought i was a going to quit cigarettes but i literally need them not because I'm addicted but bc its something to do when I'm alone at night by myself... and i should prob get a jul pod or some shit but its so expensive and niggas are getting stabbed over it now and I'm just not about that lmao ........ I'm dying on my own terms if anything.

im not on social media really anymore. i check it every once in a while but very rarely except like writing weekly shit like i am rn or on snapchat. i guess like 5 albums came out or something and i had absolutely no idea. it's alright tho other people fill me in eventually I'm currently listening to tyler the creators new album. Its a lot better than i expected tbh.

 “5 car garage....full tank of gass but that don't mean nothing nothing nothing without u in the passenger”

took a little break to smoke a cig - I'm kinda nice at it now and hitting juuls tbh despite my efforts and much coughing in the past I'm finally getting nice. with my luck ill probably get cancer or some shit but thats alright i guess  (kanye hands)   

anyways down to business aka the most excitement of this week SOMEONE GOT STABBED OVER A FUCKING JUUL POD 

thats fucking lit and crazy and so disappointing of humanity but at the same time the greatest thing thats ever happened ever...

actually 2 people got stabbed but one kid got sliced in the finger so like that doesn't even count but the email i got said 2 people stabbed soon i mean i don't make the rules. I was chilling right i played like 2 games of pong and won both (ayeeeee) then i walked into this house and was staring out of a window i actually took a pic but this fight broke out and i turned around and everyone started leaving under the assumption cops would come... so i walked outside and i was trying to account for everyone that was there because DAD FOLDS came out and i was counting everyone and i thought i had it correct but this kid was like where is abby i think she's dead inside like passed out drunk soon despite hearing sirens i ran back inside and checked the house to find that she was not there which was good so i ran outside and started running with this kid named Sam.. so me and sammy for running through yards and bushes and shit but my shoe got caught in a bush (fuck me right) “sam go on without me live on  bruv” so sam started running away... i finally got unstuck and i saw like 3 cops chasing sam so i ran the other direction around this building and on the other side i saw 4 cop cars so immediately i dipped into these bushes where i hit my face on a brick wall and copped a gnarly scratch that will not scar which is disappointing... (incase u were wondering go had a black t shirt on and not the usual white so my shit was not stained or anything thank god) so i was laying there for a good 10 seconds and i got on snapchat and scrolled thru the stories for a brief moment when i heard “sir we saw you jump in the bushes please come out” i was like fuckkkk mee so i got out with my hands up cus a nigga not trynna end up like trayvon   and i backed up slowly and got handcuffed and then they patted me down found my wallet, luckily found my real ID and then put me in the car... i wait there for a little and scrolled thru snapchat behind my back and then they pulled me out and questioned me. I just claimed ignorance bc i actually didn't really know shit at all... my only lie was that i didn't know the only guy i was running with. Then they just let me go. They asked me why i was running if i didn't do anything and i was like “i wasn't trynna get stabbed and also cops these days shoot black people so i wasn't trying to be shot either” and at some point this cop was like do you have an accent where are u from and i was like uhhhh ohio? but they let me go and i walked back to campus and i saw all these freshman outside and i was like ooo go to bed y'all and we all went to bed.... then i laid there for like 2 hours before going back outside...talked to some people for a while who were out there and then skrrttted off to smoke and music and write..

present time  - its 5:48 AM and someone got stabbed over a juulie like 6 hours ago thats wild....................

tomorrow or today technically I'm going to play beer die (a drinking game) [google that shit] at like 3 and then go to a team cook out and chill. should be alright.

this tyler the creator album is actually kinda nice - i actually did find some nice songs on soundcloud tho today i found a really nice piano piece that kinda calms me down in the beginning then slowly gives me anxiety... I've had a lot of anxiety lately

it seems like I'm feeling so much shit now as opposed to being numb and feeling just so dead and all the feeling at once just scares the shit out of me or makes me heart want to explode but its kinda nice to feel shit sometimes... i still have moments days where i feel absolutely nothing but it is what it is...it can't all get better at one time... I've just noticed tho that like everything use to seem weird to me like literally “this is so weird” always went thru my mind but now EVERYTHING is so scary to me like even if I'm not paying attention and someone speaks to me and the sound catches me off guard it makes me jump. its weird - haha

its getting light outside i know i need to sleep because I'm trying to get 8 hours a night even tho it doesn't always happen but I'm trying. last night i laid awake for 2 hours thinking about magic tricks. card tricks that i will eventually try on people...i created my own card tricks in my head... i have zero decks of cards rn tho which is so rare for me never really happens.

anyways - another update will come next sunday and hopefully by then i get stabbed over a juul pod by then.  

6:00 AM   I FUCKING HATE BUTTERFLIES.

i love you good morning.