#and all of the health shit is just slowly eroding my mental health bit by bit

[payattentionbeastonished]

not to be dramatic like I’ve had a chronic illness/chronic pain for literally 10 years but it’s only getting worse and it’s AWFUL

fully just this year had absolutely debilitating fatigue, a cancer scare, increase in pain & pain becoming more difficult to manage, constant nausea, vomiting and abdo pain… like pls can I catch a break soon I am on the floor

[evolvingchaoswitch]

Masking

          Xavier had made it through another grueling day at Nevermore, a day that had started with a pop quiz in his Math class, having to sit closer to Wednesday than he preferred in Biology because of the new seating arrangements due to the class partnering up for projects; it was the one bright moment in the day because he didn’t get paired with any of the people he was trying to avoid. To top it off, the stars aligned so Wednesday was feeling social and asked him why he wasn’t eating with Ajax or hadn’t been for the last little bit. Xavier could feel his heart racing when she asked that, and was so afraid of the extremes she’d go if she found out he was lying and for a moment zoned out. Xavier in the privacy of his room let the feelings of terror that he had been bottling up roam free, hands entwined in his hair pulling at it to introduce some form of stimulation to distract from the panic of not remembering what he said to her, and when he found that did not suffice he struck himself.

  The echoing of the slap in the room did have the intended effect it brought him out of the panic attack. Xavier strode over to his bathroom to see if there was a chance any bruising could form “What the fuck Xavier, hitting yourself like a child? Fucking pathetic attention seeking worthless creature” his own voice echoed from the back of the mind to the front with that statement. It wasn’t the first time the voice had whispered like that, it had started young, one of the reasons he went to Kinbott in the first place. Xavier could feel his heart squeeze, she may have been a pretty dismissive therapist (she was a Normie after all) but she was the only person that had ever pretended to listen to what he had to say about his mental health. Sighing heavily , Xavier made his way over to his laptop to write out his thoughts, it was one of the methods Kinbott had suggested, so why not honor her memory by using her advice.

November 27th 2022

How do you guard yourself against Wednesday Addams so she stops haunting you with her very being. It’s weird because last semester I could be standing right next to her and she’d look right through me, now all  I can feel is her eyes and the weight of her aura. Why can’t she just be her normal Wednesday self and leave me the fuck alone? I figured out how to get her to stop haunting my dreams since starting the sleep medication, and it figures she’d figure out how to become my daymare instead of just my nightmare. Wednesday is going to end up as my own phantasmagoria at this rate, but I can make it just a month till winter break, then I don’t have to see any of them for a month.

Even though I’m still mad at Ajax I make sure to still hang out with him every so often, so that nobody thinks I’m withdrawing. We play video games, and I let him ramble about Enid to his heart's content; he hasn’t noticed that I’ve stopped smoking up. I go to the Nightshades meetings when they happen, I follow the little script I have in my head for behavior and once break is over I can give some BS excuse that my Dad wants me to focus on my studies or some shit. They’ll buy it, and I won’t have to see them.

Nobody has noticed anything different that I can tell, and I’m fairly sure the only reason Wednesday knows is because I’m avoiding her and she hates when people act out of routine. Also I haven’t been eating as much as I used to, I just don’t have an appetite like I used to, maybe from the stress or maybe from something else. My appetite started to slowly erode after I stopped using my abilities last month and started protecting myself from visions with the sleep aids. I remember a conversation that my Godmother had about a similar subject, how if you try to deny a gift, especially a psychic one, it starts to leak out in other ways. Sometimes the psychic would experience different more intense visions the longer they went without being accessible to a vision, others would lose senses, and some would go mad. The deities of this world would just keep pouring visions in with no care to stop, so my lack of appetite wasn’t nearly as bad.

Maybe I would be one of the lucky ones that ended up being mildly inconvenienced by repressing their powers. My visions never really helped with anything, they only showed one side of the picture as all visions did, and the only person having similar visions wanted to make a casualty out of me. My art gets completely taken over with my power, so why bother doing it? Dad would be less disappointed if I dropped the hobby, I was never going to make it as a painter anyways, after all my internal muse died once those chains went around my neck.

Don’t think about that Xavier.

Way to protect, before Wednesday Attacks

1. Start forcing myself to eat around them again, if I act in routine she’ll leave me alone again.

2. Make sure to have a few art supplies around, gotta make sure the props are there so there is less of a reason for anyone to look closer.

3. Start running more in the nighttime after dinner, it’ll give less time for people to talk to you, and Wednesday has short legs. You can out run her.

4. Wrap yourself in a rainbow sweater so she can’t come near you, or get a glitter bomb.

Xavier gave a hollow chuckle over the last item on his list, before snapping the lid shut. He was starting to feel the beginnings of a migraine, and maybe it would just be better to go to sleep at this point. Xavier went over to his pillow to extract his sleeping pills. They weren’t exactly the prescription type or maybe the problem was they were but not his. Extracting the small baggies that hid within the rest of the fluff Xavier popped one of the Restoril before laying down in the darkness of his room at 7 pm. Xavier was hoping that tomorrow would be easier to make it through.

Unfortunately he was unaware that Wednesday Addams was already planning to break into his room for clues about her stalker, and in general Xavier. If Xavier did know that he probably would have taken more than one pill but that wouldn’t be the first time.

[secretkingdomjellyfish]

Shitty mental health is shitty.

Depression sucks. Anxiety sucks. PTSD sucks. They really do. They slowly erode your soul until you’re nothing but a husk. I feel like any semblance of anything that makes me, me is simply slipping away and I’m powerless to stop it. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t even recognise the things I do or say anymore. It’s like that old movie ‘invasion of the body snatchers’. I’m watching myself do and say things that aren’t me. I watch from inside my head screaming myself hoarse but ‘outside me’ never listens. I walk around in a fug, an automaton simply following the preset routines as I watch the world around me burn but it doesn’t matter because whatever made up me has gone on a long holiday in my head and there’s no return date.

Have you ever seen those videos of the poor kid on the roller coaster and they pass out because they are so scared? Only to wake up screaming because they are still on that terrifying ride? That’s what it’s like. I disappear because life gets too much and come back only to realise that shit has got worse and it’s so hard not to just disappear again. I feel like I’m drowning in an inch of water yet I can’t lift my head up because I’m exhausted.  I’m exhausted. I mean utterly and completely exhausted. I’m so tired of continually fighting my head, of having to think about every. single. little. detail. What did they mean by that? Who is that? I don’t recognise that phone number! They want to talk?! About what?! Are they angry at me? Go through every detail of the conversation. What did I say?! What did they say?! They paused, why did they pause? Is this it? What’s that noise? What’s that pain? I just screwed up again, I knew it! I’m pathetic.

It’s all so utterly exhausting and the worst of it is? It’s not just exhausting for me. I’m like a giant black hole that sucks in everyone around him where no light can escape and everything is always so dark. No matter how much they try and pull me out of this quick sand, I just wriggle in deeper and take them with me.

When it’s dark, I can’t see what’s right in front of me - I can’t see that giant exit sign and my mind fills in the gaps. There is no exit, no one will help me, I’m all alone. It fills it in with whatever crap it has and it ends up just filling it with the scum at the bottom of the barrel because I’ve have used up everything else. It doesn’t stop. It just keeps going and if I stop frantically treading water, I drown. It’s like a cancer, slowly eating me away until there’s nothing left.

It’s like groundhog day from hell. I can’t even escape into the land of nod as when I go to sleep I’m woken up by the continual nightmares until it’s time to get back up and do the whole thing again. There is no rest. To add a bit of variation, my mind sometimes won’t let me sleep because I will ruminate continually until I finally fall into a light doze, exhausted and frustrated and the minute I wake up? BAM. The anxiety is waiting for me with a baseball bat, ready to cripple me for the day ahead.

My mind is a dark place because my eyes are shut. I’m scared and I don’t want to face these demons anymore so I just close my eyes and I curl up into a little ball until they go away but they never do. They continue whispering all of the bad things I’ve ever done, they tell me I’m pathetic and worthless, they highlight every single mistake I’ve ever made. They hold me down and don’t let me get out of bed. It’s always the same never ending cycle and I’m so dammed tired.I want to know what I done to deserve this?  

I’m writing this to remind myself of this moment. I want to remind myself that things can only get better. That I won’t always feel so alone in a crowded room. That I’m loved. I need to keep moving because every time I stop, I start drowning again.