#and again the patches to this game have 20 fucking years on even the films yet alone the 70 since the books

[severalowls]

Ive been playing lord of the rings online again for nostalgia reasons. Fairly simple gameplay, a little retro. General community vibe is a bunch of nerds over 50 who probably literally speak elvish and get grumpy if you call it elven. Generally praised for being lovingly tolkein-y.

Which is great! Until the subreddit you go to for guides has several people unprompted doing the 'the amazon show was bad but especially because it featured "Blacks"' and then the next quest you do ingame after seeing that is... an epilogue to the book plotline which is inexplicably a seasonal event everybody is invited to do annually instead of part of the main story which follows the plot of the books and epilogues... which is aragorn and arwen's wedding, played out in full. Which is cute. And the guests and crowd are like, every single major NPC from the main story! Which is cool! Except every single fucking one of them is white. A crowd that exists nowhere good on earth.

And you realise why the subreddit is like that and how everybody's absolutely seeped in this ultra english-1950s fantasy world but at least when it was text you could fill in the gaps yourself because jolkein probably wasn't actively intentionally being a racist and explicitly ensuring every single one of his polite little old fashioned mans was explicitly described as only white. But when the game artists, designing the versions of the minor rolkein characters between the game launch in like 2006 and this wedding scene in like 2013, at every single turn portrayed them as specifically, actively, only, explicitly white... jesus fucking christ you can see why this fostered a community which is happy to rant about "Blacks" uncontested and suddenly the whole thing feels a lot less cozy forever.

Edit: upon inspection the peejack movies were in fact just as bad

[theseerasures]

Conspicuous Media Consumption, 2019

i mean, everyone's doing these write-ups, right? might as well hop onto the bandwagon

towards the end of last year i had one of my typical existential crises about my media consumption: am i slowly disappearing up my own ass because i no longer care about most of the pop culture people like to discuss ad nauseam? but on the other hand, isn’t it more responsible to find the niche items made by non-mainstream and marginalized creators? on the third hand, wouldn’t i be much happier if i just watched FMA Brotherhood over and over again, preferably while starting a new Mass Effect playthrough at the same time?

the answer to all these questions is probably “yes,” but i decided to try something different going into 2019. for every week of the year, i would try to get through a year’s worth of content for some kind of media, be it comics, video games, TV, etc--they didn’t all have to be recent, or even new to me, but once i was done with that week i’d be done, even if i didn’t finish the content, and i’d make a judgement based what i’d seen on whether i want to continue. mostly, i was trying to avoid what happened to me with video games in 2018, when i was hating every second of playing Uncharted but still felt obligated to finish because everyone and their houseplant liked Uncharted or listlessly doing the Master Hunter achievement in RDR2 because the main quest made me miserable.

the actual outcomes of this Project(tm) are a little more complicated than anticipated--some media i could finish in a day, while trying to play through ALL THE CONTENT OF AN MMO understandably took much longer than a week--but it all kind of evened out. in the end i did 48 weeks of this, and used December as my catch-ups month to follow up on some things i didn’t get to finish. i thought i’d give my thoughts on each of the things i consumed this year as part of this project below in a concise manner--and yes, i know the people who’ve read even one (1) thing i’ve written are probably laughing right now, particularly given how long i took in this introduction just to get to me point, but i really am going to try!! it’s all an exercise in shameless self-indulgence, basically, but hey: if any of you want to chat at length about any of this stuff below, hit me up.

(quick note: you’ll only find media that i chose for this particular project below, so things i watched socially with friends--like certain film properties slorping me back into Disney’s gelatinous monolith--are not included)

Devilman Crybaby (anime, finished 1/5/2019): honestly i should have twigged onto what the year was going to be like when the first thing i drew from the metaphorical barrel was demon tiddies and apocalyptic existentialism. i was determined to dislike it for most of the year due to fundamentally disagreeing with its main thematic thrust, but i kept THINKING about it even months after. at this point i’ve kinda mellowed out. it’s definitely not a must love, but there’s enough queer metaphor and philosophical richness in it to make it worth checking out.

Attack on Titan (manga, 3 volumes finished 1/12/2019): this is the second time i’ve tried to get into this franchise and...yeah, no. i still don’t see the appeal. the fascistic overtones juxtaposed with absolutely no one having a sense of humor wigs me out to no end.

Young Justice (TV, 2.5 seasons finished 1/31/2019): honestly, what even is there to say? they’re my kids. they’re back and grown up and making even more terrible decisions. i screamed when i saw Babs in her wheelchair.

Black Leopard, Red Wolf (book, finished 2/10/2019): i tried VERY HARD to like this book, given how much i liked Brief History of Seven Killings, but it just...didn’t click for me. which honestly is fine, since i don’t think it was made for me either.

Dragon Age (3 games, finished 2/28/2019): i feel like there’s always a part of me that’s going to think of this series as “the other one,” but y’know. it’s good. it’s my second playthrough (as a mage for all three) and it’s good! i even went around killing all the dragons in Inquisition because Knight Enchanter was a blast. appreciate the higher queer content vis-a-vis Mass Effect, even though i couldn’t care less about any of the plot. Dragon Age II is the best one, do not @ me

Bitter Root (comic, 4 issues finished 3/1/2019): i love intergenerational dramas and i love stories about vampire slayers, so this was aces. my only complaint is the pacing was a little slow for a story that was going on hiatus after five issues.

Pearl (comic, 6 issues finished 3/3/2019): i know that he’s done great things and grudgingly admit that he’s probably a net positive in the industry but Brian Michael Bendis can suck my entire dick

Lazarus (comic, 5 trades finished 3/ 4/2019): i really thought this was going to clench the position for comic of the year. it’s Rucka doing Highly Relevant Dystopia! it’s a corporate Lannisters AU! it’s a highly personal story about a woman with high privilege and little agency! what more could you want

Immortal Hulk (comic, 2 trades finished 3/ 4/2019): i vibed with the horror feel, but i don’t honestly think it’s THAT exceptional. being set in 616-verse means there was still ton of baggage i didn’t know or care about, since i’ve now swung more to the DC side of things

thank u, next (album, finished 3/5/2019): didn’t Ariana Grande get canceled this year for some reason? oh well, i liked her album

When I Get Home (album, finished 3/13/2019): i vividly remember listening to this for the first time and feeling vaguely disappointed that it wasn’t more like Seat at the Table until i realized that i was covered in goosebumps. still don’t understand the magic but it is Good

The Bird King (book, finished 3/23/2019): pretty much everything you’d expect from a G. Willow Wilson book--spirituality, the female lead finding Themselves and the Answer and learning they’re the same thing, etc etc. i’m slightly resentful that her Wonder Woman was so lackluster while this was so good, but whatevs

Psychodrama (album, finished 3/29/2019): possibly my favorite album of the year? dense and emotionally raw in a way i really appreciate. Dave has a Mercury and he’s younger than me

Mass Effect (4 games, finished 4/7/2019): wow guys did you know that Mass Effect is good! it is. all of it is actually, even the Mass Effect 3 ending, another controversial finale to a big franchise that i will obstinately defend. even Andromeda, which isn’t AS good as the trilogy but still has a lot of heart. all its bugs have been exhaustively patched since launch anyway

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (TV, 4 seasons finished 5/13/2019): i’m...still kind of mad about this finale, but can’t exactly deny that this show is one of the best things to ever happen to me, or television probably. i didn’t even mind new!Greg that much! tho he was probably the nail on the coffin of me jumping onto the Nathaniel train.

Knights of the Old Republic/The Old Republic (3 games, finished 7/4/2019): did you guys know that KOTOR II was my first ever video game? i feel like that...explains a lot about me. anyway, the first game is a classic and the second is a deconstructive classic and playing either of them is basically a fun way for me to turn off my brain these days. even the MMO wasn’t as much of slog as i worried it would be. the Imperial Agent storyline had some nice surprises and i dig the general atmosphere of ruthless pragmatism and crushing loneliness.

Wanderers (book, finished 7/13/2019): Chuck Wendig is a very well-intentioned man in dire need of a strict editor. still good tho! some VERY punchy emotional bits and an ending that still leaves me with vague existential terror.

Code Geass (anime, 2 seasons finished 7/20/2019): i feel like this is on the polar opposite of the spectrum as Devilman Crybaby, because i don’t think Geass is GOOD on like, any basis, and i actually find its central moral message kind of abhorrent? but some part of my lizard brain LOVED the High Imperial Family Drama (it’s been a good year for me and Lannister types, hasn’t it? well, with the obvious exception of--never mind), so...yeah. have i discovered the true meaning of guilty pleasure

The Farewell (movie, finished 7/23/2019): how could i not a) watch this and b) love this and c) feel emotionally cold towards this at the same time because the situations depicted were so similar to mine that i ended up feeling kind of alienated

The Nickel Boys (book, finished 8/8/2019): i STILL haven’t read Underground Railroad, but here i am a book late and a dollar short to appreciate Whitehead’s new book. the man’s stylistic versatility is jaw-dropping and i appreciate the plotting in contrast to like, 90% of the litfic out there that’s just “protagonist sad in different milieu”

Durarara (anime, 2 seasons finished 8/31/2019): it’s fucking bonkers and i loved pretty much every second of it? even the second season, where i finally got the BruceNat AU i deserved??? the first anime i’ve seen where everyone was relatively soberly dressed. the answer was love and having feelings and asking your middle school best friend to hurl you like a projectile so you can chop your girlfriend’s head off with a demon katana

Lover (album, finished 9/1/2019): i feel like with all the Discourse surrounding Taylor Swift re: she’s the devil incarnate or re: she’s good, actually the fact that she makes fucking bops gets kind of lost in the conversation. i have no vested interest in her as a person but i liked Lover, even though London Boy was “what if Style but stupid”

Are You Listening (comic, finished 10/2/2019): my actual choice for best comic of the year if i were giving out awards like that. it’s coming of age! it’s grief! it’s queers! it’s trauma! it’s magical realism! it’s cats! it’s expressive gorgeous art! Tillie Walden has an Eisner and she’s younger than me

High School DxD (manga, 2 volumes finished 10/10/2019): i don’t even know how to talk about this series?? i actually kind of came around to the whole “main character is a perv but goes hard for consent” by the end of the second volume, but it’s still...bad. i only can have lingering conflicted feelings about one Japanese adaptation of Christian mythology per year

Ghosteen (album, finished 10/18/2019): much like Immortal Hulk i thought it was fine but over-hyped. it’s Nick Cave doing his Nick Cave ethereal music thing. i still can’t tell what any of the lyrics mean, except Jesus is there sometimes

Watchmen (TV, 2 episodes finished 10/29/2019): i am nOT FUCKING CAUGHT UP so please watch out for spoilers. it is on my high priority list of things to be caught up on tho--i appreciate that the plot is blatantly unsubtle but still manages to give me aneurysms and i appreciate the political overtones just kinda...balances on a razor thin wire and also gives me aneurysms. i wanna say i have no expectations and would be fine if it does a full dive into the horrible bland depths of the both-sides porridge, but i’m sadly a fool who wants to believe in Damon Lindelof

Syllabus/Making Comics (2 comics, finished 12/24/2019): it’s funny--even before Making Comics came out i was like “man i miss Lynda Barry” and then BAM. it’s incredible how her work just makes me feel taken care of, even when we’re wrestling with tough topics or she’s demanding that i draw a Batman in 30 seconds. kudos for immediately shooting to the top of my gift list for my sister also

Allegiance/Choices of One (2 books, finished 12/24/2019): fun and largely inoffensive, but i was honestly hoping for more. the level of Empire apologia going on was too much for me, someone who thinks Mara Jade is the best Star Wars character of all time (still?????? still). it reeked a little of Zahn believing his own hype as the only valid guy in Star Wars Legends of whatever

Aldnoah.Zero (anime, 1 season finished 12/24/2019): turns out i also can only have “trash but my trash” feelings about one Japanese mecha show with higher art pretensions and patriotism verging into jingoism per year, and this one ain’t it. it’s not as good as Code Geass and Code Geass ISN’T GOOD. at least Geass attempted character complexity and moved at enough of a breakneck pace to distract me from its questionable bits. Aldnoah is just...bland, and nothing gets accomplished or revealed in 12 episodes, except the baffling and contradictory motivations of the main bad guy.

Baldur’s Gate (game, unfinished): yet again something i really wanted to like, given *gestures at all the BioWare above*. i think it’s mainly the Seinfeld issue, where it actually predates my own experience with video games and was so formative for the Western RPG genre that what was innovative just comes across as kind of staid now. i didn’t DISLIKE it, and will probably play the sequel since it’s supposed to be more character-driven, but by the time i finished the vanilla campaign i just didn’t have it in me to squint at more tiny avatars on the screen, so the expansions ended up a no-go.

most prominent thing i noticed about this list is that only one 2019 movie made it on the list and ZERO 2019 video games did so. the former i’m okay with because i currently live with two film people with whom i’m happy to tag along to the cinema. the latter bums me out a little more, because there WERE a few things i wanted to play this year, but all of them came out just as my semester was reaching its catastrophic boil, so i had no time. maybe i’ll use my free time after the New Year festivities to catch up on those.

to conclude: this worked out pretty well! i ended up finishing all but one of the things, and only a few were bad enough that i have no interest in seeking out more content. i’ll probably do this again in 2020--we’ll see if the scheduling can withstand a full year of grad school hell

[dalekofchaos]

Ways I would change Solo

My other Star Wars changes

Prequels

The Clone Wars and Rebels

Original Trilogy

Sequels

Rogue One

Solo wasn’t really a bad movie, I think it is a fun movie with great potential. The problem is they focused more on the future and not in the now, a movie about Han Solo does not focus on Han Solo and it’s not necessary at all and the story is very forgettable, and it really is just a cash grab. There is nothing remarkable about the movie and the only two characters who stand out as 100% only enjoyable to me are Enfys Nest and Chewie. The rest of the characters just feel like unnecessary adds or barley passable imitations. So these are ways I would change Solo to make it a great movie

Make the movie about Han. It focused too much on other characters that don’t matter.  Solo suffers from the fact that it really isn’t an origin movie about Han, but rather a movie about how he got his stuff. Which I think is in part because Lucasfilm planned to make Solo a trilogy till it completely and utterly failed at the box office and became the most financially disappointing Star Wars movie in all of the franchise’s history. It focused too much on Qi’Ra, Beckett and L3. The movie should have been about Han. from the streets, to Imperial and to Scoundrel. The movie should have been focused on Han and his relationships with Chewie and Lando. Showing Han leaving the Imperials for freeing Chewie and the two of them work together from that day. Putting a greater emphasis on Lando would have been a smart move since he’s returning in IX, and adding Jabba and Boba mention would have made sense since Lucasfilm had really wanted to do a Boba Fett movie and testing the wasters in Solo would had been better than adding that random cameo with Darth Maul, a character who literally couldn’t have anything less to do with Han or the OT. Why is Darth Maul in a movie about Han Solo? I really feel like they should not have brought Maul back in Solo. He had his return in The Clone Wars and he got his final death in Rebels. Bringing back Maul was dumb. The majority of casual audiences do not know Maul survived TPM, they just shoehorned Maul in for sequel bait and nostalgia. The problem is they focused on the future instead of focusing on their movie.When it comes to Solo, Maul shouldn’t even be there. Han does not believe in the force and believes a lightsaber is a ancient weapon from archaic times and all he needs is a good blaster. From Han himself “I’ve never seen anything to make me believe there’s one all powerful force controlling everything.” I really feel like no one on board understood Han Solo as a character and their inability to make a Han Solo movie about Han or any aspect of Han’s character is what ultimately failed the movie.

Make it a mix between Ocean’s 11 and The Good The Bad And The Ugly. The original trilogy was influenced by Akira Kurosawa’s Seven Samurai.  Rogue One is a Dirty Dozen type war movie. Solo’s problem is it’s just a movie. An easy fix is to make it a heist film first and then make it a space western.  Solo turned into a heist film about 45 minutes into the film. Until then you just had Ehrenreich bouncing around doing stuff. It wasn’t boring but we wasted so much time with him enlisting in the empire, joining Beckett’s gang, having Beckett’s gang die, owing Beckett a favour, meeting his long lost lover and then we finally have our plot. There’s definitely a better way to get the gang together than the convoluted way we got. 20 minutes in, we should know exactly what the stakes are for the rest of the movie.

Han Solo picks his own name. Han is a rebel without a cause. He doesn’t care where he came from, so a random Imperial Officer should not be given Solo his last name. This is Han’s story, he should tell the officer that he’s Han Solo. Han not calling himself Solo was a really bad sign.

Give Han’s original Legends Backstory and how he met Chewie. Han wanting to escape his life in the gang works better in Legends and while I don’t see anything wrong with his bond with Qi’Ra, I just felt like it was really dumb for Han to want to go back to Corellia for her and just see her 20 minutes later. Show his Imperial career more. Have him be revealed as an Ace Tie Pilot, but something changed all that, Chewie. I strongly feel like Legends Han meeting Chewie was more impactful and emotional than what we got in the actual movie. Han saving Chewie from being executed by his Imperial superiors is better than Han being thrown into a pit and speaking Shyriiwook.

More Lando. Basically focus more on Han and Lando’s friendship and surprise everyone by basically pull a Jack Harkness and have Lando kiss Han and Qi'Ra simultaneously. Show us why Han and Lando have a strong friendship, show don’t tell. Have Han and Lando being smugglers in arms. And finally Lando would not leave he would patch himself up and return to help Han in the end. We really needed to see why Han sees so much reverence in his friendship to Lando in ESB. What we got from Solo makes Lando’s betrayal unsurprising. We needed to see why Lando was willing to sacrifice an old friendship to save Bespin from the Imperials, the emotional weight of Han and Lando’s friendship wasn’t there in the movie, it needed to be there so their relationship friendship should’ve been one of the core elements of the movie.

Make Han and Qi'Ra just platonic and childhood friends. I didn’t like the romance and thought Han and Qi'Ra just worked as childhood friends. It really rubbed me the wrong way that Han’s first instinct when seeing Qi'Ra again was wanting to make out with her…when Qi'Ra has been abused by Vos for years and Qi’Ra was uncomfortable about it in Lando’s cape closet. It would be more tragic imo if being betrayed by Qi'Ra that she just wants to kill to the top and stay ahead of the food chain at the cost of old attachments, which this would help turn Han into the cold smuggler we know from ANH

Take out that god-awful “I’m not saying that full name” line Cause Han calls him Chewie and not Chewbacca! Get it? It’s one syllable in the difference. Out of all the connections in the movie, that is the very worst.

Beckett is killed instead of Val. Val was rather mistrustful and skeptical of Han, imagine if only Val, Han and Chewie made it out alive. Val would have no choice BUT to stick with Han and she would grow to trust him, Beckett was a boring character and we all saw his betrayal coming. You could’ve easily changed places with Beckett. But Val would not betray the gang. Val would’ve joined Enfys Nest, while Qi’Ra would’ve been the one to betray Han and co.

L3-37 stays on the slave planet by choice. A minor one but after L3-37 liberates the droids, I think it’d work better if she stayed on the planet to live among her “people”. Her whole shtick was she didn’t like being a slave, there was no logical way she’d get back on the Falcon after freeing all the droid so they had to kill her off. A less cheap and more rewarding pay-off would be she tells Lando she’s staying. They hug, have a moment and she gets to finish her arc. Too many characters die in this film just so the plot can progress (Okay 3, but that’s 3 more than you have to kill). Sure this means you lose the connection in A New Hope where C3-PO mentions the Falcon’s odd dialect but I think we can manage without it. Also, now Han gets to do the Kessel run without any droid help. It shows he’s a great pilot and has what it takes. That’s kinda what we needed to see.

Qi'Ra and Aurra Sing would be partners and lovers. One of the most deadly bounty hunters during the Clone Wars is fridged for Beckett’s reputation. She doesn’t even get a dignified death, not even on screen. Not even a duel. She is pushed to her death. So instead of that bullshit, Aurra would be Qi'Ra’s right hand and lover and together they would kill Vos together. 

Make Dryden Vos more of a legit threatening villain. Paul Bettany used to play really fucking evil gangster characters and that’s what I was hoping Dryden was going to be playing, but he was barely there. Make him cruel, and a clear danger. Prior to the meeting, show him execute an underling for insubordination and have him say “sorry for the mess” imply his abusive relationship with Qi’Ra and show that Qi’Ra wants out, but not in the way Han might think. She wants to kill Vos and take power for herself! And make his death at the hands of Qi'Ra and Sing mean something. Show that Sing is sick and tired of seeing Qi’Ra be hurt by that scum and will say “the Crimson Dawn would be better in your hands, just say the word and he dies” Qi’Ra would say “when the time is right, my pet” 

When the betrayal happens, Aurra Sing leads the Crimson Dawn to attack The Marauders, so we get a climatic scene of Enfys Nest fighting Aurra Sing, while Han and Lando deal with Vos, however when Qi’Ra’s betrayal is revealed, show Qi’Ra killing Vos and leaving Han and Lando to fend for themselves against Crimson Dawn forces. Han and Lando fight them off and Han goes after Qi’Ra and Chewie.

Han would face Qi’Ra. Qi’Ra will boast that Han is too emotional and too good deep down inside and that he doesn’t have what it takes and this was never about him and finally before Qi’Ra can pull out her blaster, Han shoots first. This would be a way of letting the past go and Han embracing his scoundrel ways.

Han’s farewell with Enfys remains the same, but Han also bids farewell to Val to thank her for everything, but Val thanks Han for letting her see to let go of her hatred as she learned that Enfys was just a child and knew that Becket allowed his greed and hatred lead him to his death.

Val would contact L3 and together with Enfys Nest and L3, Val would be a big help to the Rebellion

Han and Lando play one last game of Sabacc and Han wins, thus winning him the Falcon and Han and Lando part off as friends.

Solo ends similar to how it ended with Han and Chewie flying off in the Falcon with a hint to his future with the Hutt Cartel and his rivalry with Boba Fett, thus giving a sign for sequels without making the movie built on sequel baiting.

[sawyersscribbles]

WIP Tag Game!

Thank you so much to @sleepy-and-anxious for tagging me! I love tags like this!! <33

rules: answer the questions relating to your wip

1. Describe the plot in one sentence

Nearly a hundred years after an alien race promised humanity immortality for its natural resources, a Chronic Dumbass commits a terrible crime and travels across the southwest with a group of friends and one cat in order to take her immortality away.

2: Pick one sight, smell, sound, feel, and taste to describe the aesthetic for your WIP.

Sight: An abandoned gas station with deserted cars still parked in line

Smell: Burning rubber and melting metal

Sound: Desert winds blowing sand across an empty road

Feel: The sharp edge of a can of creamed corn cast aside

Taste: The fresh taste of raw cactus

3: Which 3+ songs would make a playlist for your novel?

I’ll give the top songs that I like to listen to on my Sky of Sinners playlist:

The Heat - The Score

Good Thing - Barns Courtney

Wicked Ones - Dorothy

Burn the Stars - Massive Vibes

RISE - League of Legends

4: What’s the time period and location in which your novel takes place?

I’ve decided that the official year that Sky of Sinners takes place is 3009 AD on our current timeline, which means I can still quote vines and have it make sense it still has the same history as we do. The story starts in the fictional town of Noere, Arizona, which is about in the same place geographically as the real town of Peach Springs, Arizona, but the group makes their way across the Southwest towards Houston, Texas, passing through New Mexico and most of Texas.

5: Are there any former titles you’ve considered but discarded?

Nope! I remember thinking of this WIP about five minutes before I was about to take a test, and thing number one was the genre, thing number two was the main character, thing number three was the plot(ish), and thing number four was the name.

6: What’s the first line of your novel?

“Ozzy did not like to be picked up”

7: What’s a line of dialogue you’re particularly proud of?

There’s this one interaction between Reagan and Ingrid that I’m pretty proud of where Ingrid is treating Reagan’s wound after an angry neighbor, Frank, shot her in the back of the head:

“Hey! Where are you going?”

“I’m going to blow Frank’s brains out!”

“Can you at least patch me up first? This kind of stings.”

“I’m going to patch you up first, because this kind of stings!”

8: Which line from the novel most represents it as a whole?

“I can only be tolerated for so long. And then people start realizing who I really am, or I fuck up really badly, and they go away.” Reagan bit the inside of of her mouth and looked at Ingrid up and down, at her muscular legs and her hands clasped in front of her body, at the way her skirt flew in the wind. “You can never understand what it’s like to be hated. You’re fucking perfect.”

9: Who are your character(s) face claims?

I’ll do face claims for the Main Five Kids:

First we have Reagan Hart, the main character and Certified Idiot who likes being gay and doing crimes:

Ingrid Foster, the mom friend who’s really along to make sure that Reagan doesn’t kill herself too many times:

Finley Vasquez, who’s literally never done a bad thing in her life and hasn’t left the desert in 18 years until she leaves with Reagan and the others:

Anais Leroux, who came from France and loves the arts and lipstick and being Quietly Angery(tm)

And then there’s RK, who’s my Spicy Boy(tm) who likes denim jackets and engineering and elaborate chain reaction traps:

10: Sort your characters into Hogwarts houses.

Reagan: Gryffindor

Ingrid: Hufflepuff

Finley: Ravenclaw

Anais: Hufflepuff

RK: Slytherin

11: Which character’s name do you like the most?

I think I like Ingrid’s name the best because it has the right balance of intelligent, mature, and badass.

12: Describe each character’s daily outfit.

Reagan: Gray tank top (probably stained with some type of juice), olive green cargo pants, brown Timberland boots, and a flannel wrapped around her waist

Ingrid: Some sort of pastel t-shirt, probably light pink or yellow, a patterned skirt, and a vest

Finley: A long-sleeved sweater (even though it’s super hot), denim shorts, and sandals

Anais: A wide-brimmed sunhat and a loose sundress that comes to about her ankles

RK: Leather jacket, converse sneakers, and a t-shirt that probably has a movie poster on it

13: Do any characters have any distinctive birthmarks/scars?

Reagan has scars all over her body from all the times she accidentally hurt herself, like bullet wounds, scratches from Ganymedans, and even a large mark on her side from when she accidentally launched a firework into herself. And make no mistake, she shows them off proudly.  

14: Which character most fits a character trope?

I think most of my characters have one character trope or another in them but Reagan fits the Chaotic Good Idiot trope the best, Ingrid is the Mom Friend, and Anais is the Grandma Friend

15: Which character is the best writer? Worst?

Ingrid or Anais would probably be the best writers because Ingrid works in a library and Anais loves theater and old films. Reagan would probably be the worst because she forgot how to read

16: Which character is the best liar? Worst?

RK would definitely be the best liar, while Finley would probably be the worst. She’s just... too good, you know??

17: Which character swears the most? Least?

Oh my god Reagan by far swears the most. She curses so much that she can make up swear words and say them so often that they become bad to the ears of the people around her. Finley is the one who Legally cannot say fuck or she’ll combust.

18: Which character has the best writing? Worst?

I think in terms of handwriting Anais has the best, while again Reagan has the worst because she can’t write.

19: Which character is the most like you? Least like you?

Ooh this is a good one! I put a bit of myself into every one of my characters but Finley and Reagan are the closest to me. Finley, because I, too, feel pressure from my parents to be something I don’t know if I want to be, and I also want to go on a grand adventure and discover myself there. Reagan, because she’s the accumulation of all the things I would never dare say outloud. She’s the one who rebels against authority, eats whatever she wants, and eggs racists’ house, all of which I wish I had the strength to do but never would.

20: Which character would you most like to be?

Probably Ingrid. Her life just seems to be so put together and she knows exactly what she wants from start to finish. Maybe she has a lot of fires to out out and a lot on her plate but I want to exemplify that level of Functional Sapphic(tm) at some point in my life

~

This was so much fun! Thank you, Annabel, again for tagging me in this! For this game I’ll tag: @merrow-writes @noloumna @cohldhands @hepiit and @katabasiss Feel free not to do it, of course!

[the-desolated-quill]

Quill’s Swill - The Worst Of 2018

Congratulations dear reader. You survived 2018. And you know what that means. It’s time for another best of/worst of list. Welcome to Quill’s Swill 2018. A giant septic tank for the various shit the entertainment industry produced over the course of the year. The films, games, TV shows and various other media that got on my bad side. As always please bear in mind that this is only my subjective opinion (if you happen to like any of the things on this list, good for you. I’m glad someone did) and that obviously I haven’t seen everything 2018 has to offer for one reason or another. In other words, sorry that Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes Of Grindelwald isn’t on here. I’m sure it is as terrible as some have been suggesting. I just never got around to watching it.

Okay everyone. Grab your breathing masks and put on your rubber gloves. Let’s dive into this shit pile.

Hold The Sunset

The news that John Cleese would be returning to the world of BBC sitcoms was incredibly exciting, being a massive Fawlty Towers fan and all. Unfortunately Hold The Sunset was not quite what I had in mind. It’s one of those rare breed of situation comedies that chooses to offer no actual comedy. It’s not a sitcom. It’s a sit. Like Scrubs or The Big Bang Theory.

An elderly couple plan to elope abroad only for Alison Steadman’s son to barge in, having left his wife, and forcing them to put their plans on hold. Hence the title ‘Hold The Sunset.’ It’s like a cross between As Time Goes By and Sorry, but if all the humour and relatability were surgically removed by a deadpan mortician. The characters are weak, the plots are thin on the ground and the humour (hat little of it there is) feel incredibly dated. The middle aged mummy’s boy is something that hasn’t been funny since the 90s. It’s an utter waste of great talent and what hurts even more is that this tripe is actually getting a second series. I can only assume the people watching this are comatose. Either that or there’s an epidemic of people in Britain who have lost the remote.

Avengers: Infinity War

Yes this is one of the worst movies of 2018 and no I don’t regret saying that one little bit. Avengers: Infinity War was fucking terrible. Period. There were too many plots and characters going on, which made the film hard to follow (and what staggers me is that the so called ‘professional’ critics have condemned movies for having too many characters and plots before. Spider-Man 3, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, Batman vs Superman: Dawn Of Justice and even Deadpool 2. But because this is an MCU movie, it gets a free pass. Fuck off). The characterisation was weak due to sheer number of characters they try to juggle, resulting in characters coming off as one dimensional caricatures of themselves and scenes where characters such as Iron Man, Doctor Strange and Star-Lord sound completely interchangeable. The villain, Thanos, is a stupidly and poorly written villain, but that’s hardly surprising considering what a shit job Marvel have done building him up over the course of these 20+ movies. And let’s not forget that pisstake ending. A bunch of prominent Marvel characters die and it’s all very, very sad... except all these characters just so happen to have sequels planned, which makes this ending fucking pointless and have less impact than a feather on a bouncy castle.

I don’t know which is more shocking. That Marvel and Disney think their audience are that stupid and gullible, or that their audience are actually validating their view. Fuck you Disney.

Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery

I’ve always wanted a Harry Potter RPG, where you could customise your character, choose your house and actually live a full school life at Hogwarts. This year, Warner Bros and Jam City gave us just that.

That was a mistake.

Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery is the epitome of everything that’s wrong with the mobile gaming market right now. The gameplay is boring and involving where you just tap images on a screen until a progress bar fills up. Wizard duels are little more than rock-paper-scissors challenges that require no kind of skill. Bonding with friends and caring for magical creatures just consist of pathetically simple pop quizzes and yet more boring tapping. Oh and of course you only get a certain amount of energy to complete these tedious tasks. If you run out of energy, you wait for it to fill up... or pay up for the privilege. So determined are they to extract your hard earned cash from your wallet, there’s actually a bit where Devil’s Snare strangles your eleven year old avatar and the game effectively tries to guilt trip you into paying micro-transactions to save them. It’s sleazy, gross and manipulative. Honestly, you’re better off just playing Candy Crush.

Agony

When the developers of this game said they wanted to give the player a trip through Hell, they had no idea how true that statement really was. Agony is dreadful on a number of levels. The design for Hell itself, while visually interesting at times, is often not very practical and gets quite dull and repetitive after a while. The stealth mechanics are a joke and the AI of your demonic enemies are pitiful. All of this alone would have been enough to put this game on the list, but then we also have the casual misogyny. Agony is a gorefest trying desperately to shock the player. We see men and woman get tortured, but it’s the women that often get the extreme end. The violence inflicted on them is often sexual in nature and the game seems to go out of its way to degrade and dehumanise women at every turn. The orgasmic cries of ‘pull it out’ quickly become a staple of the game’s experience as we see naked women raped, tortured and murdered, all for the purposes of ‘entertainment.’

I would call Agony sexist, but honestly that would be giving it too much credit. Agony is like a little child trying desperately to be all dark and edgy in a pathetic attempt to impress everyone around him, and we should treat it as such. Go to your room Agony. No ice cream for you.

Peter Rabbit

If you listen closely, you can hear the sound of Beatrix Potter rotating in her grave.

Yes we have yet another live action/CGI hybrid, but instead of something innocuous like the Smurfs or Alvin and the Chipmunks, Sony instead decides to adapt Peter Rabbit, with James Corden in the title role.

It’s about as bad as you’d expect.

Their attempts to modernise the story are painful to say the least with pop culture references, inappropriate adult humour and twerking rabbits. Plus rather than the gentle, but slightly mischievous character we got in the source material, here Peter is a sociopathic delinquent who seems to revel in making the farmer’s life a living hell. He’s unlikable and unwatchable as far as I’m concerned and the film doesn’t in anyway earn the emotional moments it tries so desperately to sell to the audience. And the worst part is it’s getting a sequel.

Wait. Do you hear that sound? That’s the sound of Beatrix Potter tearing out of the ground, ready to kill whatever idiot came up with this shit.

Fallout 76

I was excited for Fallout 76. A MMORPG where players band together to rebuild society after a nuclear apocalypse. Could have been great. Pity it wasn’t.

Fallout 76 is a dreadful game. Not only is it a buggy, glitchy mess that requires a constant online connection to play, which could result in you losing hours of progress if your WiFi went down, it’s also unbelievably tedious, and that’s because there’s nothing to do in the game. There’s no other characters to interact with, the various robots and computers you come across are really little more than quest givers, there’s no actual plot so to speak, and because of the sheer size of the world and the number of players allowed on a server, the chances of you actually meeting any actual players is remote. And let’s not forget all the behind the scenes drama. Bethesda falsely advertising Fallout themed canvas bags and players getting shitty nylon ones. Bethesda accidentally releasing the account information of various players trying to get a refund for said bag. Bethesda failing to program the year 2019 into the game code, meaning that the game’s nukes don’t work.

Maybe there’s a chance that Bethesda could pull a No Man’s Sky and fix everything over the coming years with various patches and DLCs, but the damage has already been done. It’s incredibly disappointing. The Elder Scrolls 6 is going to have be fucking incredible to win everyone back.

Mama Mia!: Here We Go Again

I can’t stand jukebox musicals anyway, but Mamma Mia was always one of the worst. Its boring, meandering story with its one note, obnoxious cast of characters screeching out ABBA songs like they’re at some drunken karaoke session at some poor sod’s hen party has always grated on my nerves. So imagine my delight when they announced we were getting a sequel. Ever wondered how Meryl Streep met her three lovers and founded her hotel? No? Well tough shit, we’re going to tell you anyway.

Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again is basically just Mamma Mia again. The actors still can’t sing, the characters are still annoying and story is still boring and meandering, completely at the mercy of the chosen songs rather than the filmmakers using the songs to compliment the story (you know? Like proper musicals do?).

How can I resist you? Very easily as it turns out. Gimme, gimme, gimme a fucking gun so I can end my misery.

The Cloverfield Paradox

A lot of people were unhappy about the direction Cloverfield was going. They wanted a continuation of the found footage, kaiju movie from 2008, not an anthology series. I was personally all in favour. Partially because I thought the first Cloverfield was a tad overrated, but mostly because I thought it would be a great opportunity for more experimental film projects and could be a great launchpad for new writers and filmmakers. 10 Cloverfield Lane was a great start. Then The Cloverfield Paradox happened.

The Cloverfield Paradox is basically JJ Abrams trying to have his cake and eat it too. Maintaining the anthology format whilst connecting everything together in a ‘shared universe’ (yes, yet another shared universe). The result was a cliched, poorly edited and idiotic mess of a film that actually took away from the previous two films rather than added to them. Everyone hated it and, as a result, 2018′s Overlord, which was totes going to be part of the Cloververse, was made its own standalone film and Abrams double pinky promised to make a true sequel to the original Cloverfield. A complete and total disaster. No wonder it was a straight-to-Netflix film.

The Handmaid’s Tale - Season 2

This is probably going to be the most controversial entry on the list, but please hear me out because I’m not the only one who has a problem with this season.

I was reluctant to watch The Handmaid’s Tale simply because of how gruesome the original book was, but I forced myself to watch the first season and I thought it was pretty good. It remained faithful to the source material for the most part and included some nice additions that helped to expand the story and mythos. If it was just a one off mini-series, everything would have been fine. But then they made the same mistake as The Man In The High Castle and Under The Dome did where they commissioned another season and attempted to tell a story that goes beyond the book.

There’s a reason why the original story ended where it did. The Handmaid’s Tale isn’t meant to be an empowering story about women sticking it to the patriarchy. It’s a cautionary tale about how fragile our civil rights truly are and how easily they can be taken away from us. It’s designed to shock, not to satisfy. So seeing a handmaid blow herself up in a suicide bombing feels very incongruous and just a little bit silly. It would be like doing a TV adaptation of George Orwell’s 1984 where the first season followed the source material and then the second season turned Winston Smith into this heroic freedom fighter trying to overthrow Big Brother. It would represent a fundamental misunderstanding of what the book was about in the first place.

And then of course there’s the increased level of violence in Season 2, which many have complained about. In Season 1 and the original source material, the violence was justified. In Season 2, the motivation behind the violence has gone from ‘how can we effectively demonstrate how easily a fascist patriarchy can happen in the West?’ to ‘what brutal act can we inflict upon Ofglen to shock the audience this week?’ It’s purely for shock and nothing more. And with the showrunner (who I feel I should mention is a man) announcing that he has planned ten seasons of this, it seems that The Handmaid’s Tale is going to go even further with this depravity until it effectively becomes the equivalent of a Saw film.

The Handmaid’s Tale exists as a way of shining light on and critiquing misogyny in its most extreme form. Season 2 however demonstrates that there is a serious risk of it becoming the very thing it’s criticising in the first place.

The Predator

I love the Predator franchise, but The Predator is the worst.

People thought that this would be good because director Shane Black had actually starred in the first Predator movie back in 1987. Instead we got this bloated, confusing, obnoxious and insulting mess of a film that seems to go out of its way to ruin everything that makes Predator so good. There’s no tension. No suspense. No intrigue. Just a bunch of gore, explosions and shitty one liners from annoying and lifeless characters. They essentially took this big alien game hunter from outer space and turned him into a generic monster from a bad summer blockbuster. It no longer hunts for sport. It wants to take over the world and splice our DNA with theirs. But don’t worry, a rogue Predator doesn’t want to kill humans (even though he himself kills a bunch of humans), so he gives us a Predator Iron Man suit to set up a sequel that will probably never happen because this movie was a box office bomb and it fucking SUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKEEEEEDDDD!!!

This film also has a very nasty streak towards those with disabilities. There’s a lot of jokes at the expense of a character with Tourette’s and it has an extremely ignorant and patronising view of autism, portraying the main character’s kid as being a super genius who can decipher the Predator language and even going so far as to say that he represents ‘the next stage of human evolution.’ Presumably the Predators want social communication difficulties because apparently it helps them hunt somehow.

What with Disney acquiring 20th Century Fox, the future of both the Alien and Predator franchises were very much in question. This film needed to be a success in order to make a case for Disney to keep making more of them. It wasn’t. Congratulations Shane Black. You might have just killed off this franchise for good. Thanks arsehole! :D

So those were my least favourite stories from 2018. Join me on Wednesday where we shall discuss something more positive. Yes, it’s awards season. Who shall win the coveted Quill Seal Of Approval? Watch this space...

Or don’t. It’s up to you. I don’t want to force you or anything. It’s a free country.

[talldarknsexy]

Sudan: Cycling the Sahara

Crossing the border to Sudan was a huge relief. Everything was even less developed. And I waited in the immigration building with the one other tourist and the squeaking fan rotating slowly overhead. Susan's ATMs do not connect with the outside world and so, the only option is to bring hard currency in US dollars. Not having Sudanese pounds yet, and having to pay a registration fee, the government official had his friend lead me to the black market money changer in order to get 50:1 as opposed to the 25:1 that the banks offer as it is an artificially controlled currency. I rode into Sudan and was able to breathe so much easier. Ethiopia has about 100 million people as opposed to Sudan's 13 million (in a larger land mass.) At the first roadside opportunity, I pulled over and had some goat meat at a local restaurant. After about 20 minutes, I'd realized that there was no crowd around me, no beggars, and no children staring at me. It was serene. For about 2 hours I laid there on one of their benches. I was listening to a podcast on my phone pressed against my ear when I noticed people started to take notice and act unusual. Eventually, an English speaker, probably police came up and asked me "Camera?!" It took me a minute to understand what he was asking and convinced him no, I wasn't filming, just listening to audio and he was appeased. But nonetheless, I realized there was an oppressive backwards reason why I felt so free here. Anyways, I set off and getting into sunset was eagerly looking for a place to camp. In the distance I spotted something unusual. I couldn't tell if it was a cycletourist, two motorcycles, or a fucking donkey and a wheelbarrow. Anyways, it turned out to be Alex and Merlin, two British lads on a tandem whom I'd been following on their journey, training local medical workers on optical medical devices. This was their first long bike trip. They flagged down a truck for water and we camped in the bush off the road. I had a few days riding to the capital of Khartoum. Lots of desert, but in the south there's plenty more agriculture. The Sudanese are incredible friendly and helpful. They'll invite you for tea and meals and won't let you pay. And if here, unlike much of Africa, you're in need of something like directions or advice, they'll actually help you without looking for something in return. Because of a collapsing currency, everything was also incredibly cheap. Meals were usually 50-60c though we're typically just bean paste and flatbread. Petrol is cheaper than bottled water and costs something like 50c/gallon (12c/L) And a hotel could be something like $3-$5. In Wad Madani I paid $6 and had a suite with king sized bed, air con, refrigerator, and kitchen. In Khartoum, I reached the youth hostel and to camp there was $1. I Had a few days to kill and so went to the pool, changed more dollars, and visited Ahmed, a Syrian guy I'd met a few days prior. I got a taxi to his town and met up with his friends. Some were Sudanese, but most were Syrian or Yemenite. Sudan has since welcomed refugees from various crises. We had dinner, went to a shisha bar, and chatted, largely through google translate voice. They were good fun and very generous hosts. It got late though and they wouldn't let me take a taxi back so I crashed at their place. It was fairly basic and I'm used to that, but on my own terms and with a mosquito net or tent, neither of which I had. They'd all gotten malaria at least once, so I didn't get much sleep. Up all night in a room with 5 other guys, I realized I was having a sober sleepover with 5 ~25 yr old (presumable) virgins. Something I hadn't experienced in probably 15 years. Gracious for their generosity and friendship, but realizing maybe it was time to start thinking past Sudan. Indeed, even bringing up the idea of girls or women to guys here sent them into giggles. But the more mature ones like to ask you if you fancy Sudanese woman. I have no fucking idea I tell them... I've never seen more than their eyes, let alone talked to one! On Friday in Kharthoum I went to see the Sufi dancers. It's a tradition that has been going on for centuries influenced by the Ottoman Empire, but with its own distinct Sudanese practices. The Sufis burn frankincense, sing, chant, dance, and some will spin on axis until they fall down in order to achieve a vertigo of feeling closer to God. As this is a popular tourist attraction, it attracted all the tourists in Khartoum. About 15 to be exact... It was high season after all. Some I'd met there lived there for work though, and to get back to the city I shared a taxi with 3 Scandinavian embassy workers. It was interesting to hear some very informed intelligent outside, but inside perspectives on the Sudanese Government as well as those of surrounding countries. Also, them being embassy employees, had a stash of contraband alcohol. We brought some pizza up to their rooftop and I ate and sipped champagne with tall, attractive, whiter-than-white, Scandinavian folks. A bizarre, albeit enjoyable experience that was highly unexpected. On the walk back I met three American cyclists just on the street. It was probably 10pm, but they were headed to camp at the same hostel. They'd gotten Sudanese visas at home and it had cost them almost $250 as opposed to the $70 I'd paid. The next day I set off as I was looking to meet up with Will and Wendy, an older cyclist couple of rode with briefly in East Africa. I was now entering the Bayuda desert. A very desolate section of the Sahara that strays from the Nile. Here things were a bit more remote and I carried quite a bit more water and food. Some stretches were flat, hot, and unstimulating. Others passed through varied terrain with desert scrub or picturesque dunes. I'd listen to music or podcasts, but frankly after a few days, the Bayuda was quite mind numbing. I ended the third day riding into the sunset with Pink Floyd's Time playing as I watched the road continuously slip below the shimmering horizon. I felt like time indeed was standing still, and with the visual in front of me, could easily understand how people saw mirages. Only for me, my hallucinations were of eating Chipotle. Specifically a double wrapped chicken burrito: spanish rice, pinto, fried veggies, lettuce, salsa, corn, cheese, and sour cream. I spent days riding 10km/hr into the wind with occasional stops for water or fowl, a bean paste served with flatbread. In fact, this was about the only food I ever encountered on the road. And getting diarrhea one stretch, with only fowl as sustenance was like pouring gasoline on the fire. Somebody's idea of a cruel fucking joke. I had a solid day playing carnival games with a squat toilet and fertilizing patches of the desert, but soon enough I was fine. People in Sudan are incredibly welcoming. There's endless offers for chai, conversation, and selfies. And one day I was invited over by two Bedouin goat herders who were cooking lunch not too far from the road. It was an interesting exchange as they were both about my age, but didn't know a word of english. We cooked and ate and laughed at whatever and the younger one crashed trying to ride my bicycle. After a few days, I crossed back onto the main highway where there were more villages as it was on the Nile. There was one in particular that stuck out. On the side of the road, there were three kids and one launched a rock past me. This was rather unexpected and annoying so I stopped and hurled one back. Just in this one village, this reoccurred five times. The PTSD from Ethiopia finally kicked in on the last and I exploded, sprinting after a series of kids and sending rocks flying. These were isolated to just this one area, but for a few days still served to shatter the comfort and trust I'd had. This was usual for Ethiopia but very bizarre for Sudan given the authoritarian government/police/education. I was told later that a child's punishment for such activity was 20 lashings by camel hide. I did finally catch up with Will and Wendy in the town of Dongola. Maps.me brought me to their hotel or so I thought. It was a very nice building, but with no sign. I asked a teenager standing "Lord Hotel?" He gave me one of those Indian headbob answers and followed me over to help me get my bike through the gate. Upon rounding a corner, the un-burka'd woman's look on her shocked face was enough to assure me was in the wrongg place. Someone pointed me around the corner to a very obviously signed guesthouse. I spent a day off the bike with Wendy, Will, and Tomás, a cyclist headed south. I had tea, falafel, and chicken with them and spent a good time finishing the book Quondam that Alex and Merlin had given me. It was about an Irish guy who rode down Africa in 1980. It was an incredible journey and had been fascinating to travel through the same places in a now much different world, and on paved roads. I then passed the book on to Tomás as he was also Irish, the same age, traveling the same course, and meeting his girlfriend in the same place. It was another two days riding before I caught up with Will and Wendy again and we both stayed at a nice guesthouse along the Nile. The owner came by and offered me to join him and some workers for food. "Eat much" he insisted, "the night is now longer than day." The north was filled with interesting desert terrain. You could camp almost anywhere and it was mind boggling to stare out in one direction and know that there was absolutely no humanity for hundreds of miles. After another two days of this I reached the town of Wadi Halfa where Wendy and Will had arrived. I had a change of heart though and decided to take a longer ferry than they were planning. I was kinda burnt out and it went across lake Nasser to Egypt and cut out 3 days of windy desert riding with only one shop. Again, I wasn't originally planning on it, but I happened to arrive to the port just an hour before the ferry set off for the week. There was plenty of hoops to jump through. I bought the ticket from one line, luggage with another, another line for a form, another for customs, immigration, security, etc. This isn't too different from any other port of entry or airport, but in Sudan it's complicated by a foreign passport which almost everyone blankly stares at upside down. They'll invariably ask me my name, nationality, and details anyways, which will be transcribed to Arabic script. We took off as the sun set. The ferry was packed with some 200 Sudanese guys all headed to Egypt for work or trade. The young ones were eager to chat and I was invited down below for dinner as well We chatted, the older men prayed, and the janitor heaved out the buckets of trash off the stern. The good-intentioned holy man approached me later and introduced me to the way of Islam. I had a few questions on fate, marriage, and theology. But he was more interested in giving me examples on hand washing and how God determines on decision day whether you live or die- this I assured him was also represented in Judeo-Christian practices. And when I respectfully told him that I was in no way planning on converting to Islam, but wanted to know what takeaway was most important to be a better person... He told me to be Muslim. It was an interesting atmosphere- mostly all young men looking for better prospects in a different land. I had enjoyed my time in Sudan, the desert was pristine, the people unbelievably friendly, and the bean fowl was plentiful. But after 3 weeks, and less than $2 worth of hard currency left, I too was ready for a change and looking for new prospects as we made port the next day in Aswan.

[movietweets]

Captain America

Film Ho! Away we go, off on another adventure into the world of Marvel madness where anything can happen and there don’t seem to be any rules to govern it. This time I have a bag of M&Ms and a Kitkat gobble down (or up) while Captain American saves the day from probably another baddy or wrongen like in the other films.

I have to say that this isn’t one that I’ve been looking forward to. The idea of a superhero named after their nation of origin seems pretty shameless and I can’t think of any other nations that would allow it. Captain England? Sounds racist. Captain France? They never win anything. Captain China? Communism doesn’t really allow for special treatment of individuals. Captain Germany? I mean... maybe between 1933-1945 but not exactly the most popular character these days. Captain America though works because Americans really do believe that they’re the best; they’re hopelessly patriotic and to the point of international embarrassment, seemingly lacking the self awareness to understand why everyone else doesn’t behave the same way in regards to their own countries as they do about theirs. So when Captain America was released it made perfect sense... of course they have a superhero called Captain America, of course they do. 

Nevertheless. This is the next one in the series so its the next one that I’m watching. I’ll keep as open a mind as I have for the others too, which is to say that I’ll be looking for every excuse to mock and discredit it.

Holy Mackerel! Is that a UFO? That’s obviously what we’re supposed to think from all that talk about weather balloons (alla Roswell)

I wonder if those guys volunteered to be the first ones down there, we didn’t see the discussion that went on before they were lowered down but I bet it wasn’t exactly anyone’s idea of a fun day out in the tundra.

I feel like they’re about to stumble upon a room filled with large slimy eggs and a bunch of corpses with massive holes in their chests.

Okay, flashback. Now we’re in norway during the second world war and some un-subtitled foreign language bits with Filtch from Harry Potter.

Oh no, its the Skulltopusses! They’re obviously not goodies are they, not with a logo like that.

Oh they’re Nazis...definitely baddies!

The priceless jewel of a norse god? 

be a shame if something happened to it... whoopsie! 

What? This kid! Face of a 40 year old, body like he’s 12. This must be CGI right? He’s like a fucking ventriloquist’s puppet!

There you go! You could be like Little Timmy!

It’s my fetish!

Oh shit, it’s the Stark Expo! List like in the Movies!

Is that Mr.Incredible? Didn’t realize they were Marvel

You’re going to hate the future of your country, they’re the worlds bullies now.

Oh yes, the ancients had use of this futuristic techno cube. That’s why they were so advanced! It has just been kept a secret from mainstream historians.

You mean its a metaphor for the Atom bomb?

A female drill Sargent in the 40s? Yep, just rewrite the past and pretend than nothing bad aver happened. Women have always been equal. See! She just knocked a man to the ground with her fists! You’ve had your token strong female now shut up and get back in the kitchen.

Better do some more talking about how great men are now, just in case that lost us any favor with our main demographic.

CHEATING - THE AMERICAN WAY

Even their female drill Sargent is dishing out sexist insults... I know it’s the 40s but we’ve already established that we’re not holding on to historically accurate social structures.

Alright then! You won me over. Let’s invest a ton of money and resources on the kid with a death wish.

Not another Incredible Hulk narrative! Didn’t you learn anything, that mess was a total flop.

Don’t worry kiddo, I’m an Alcoholic!

Oh, so that’s why she’s there... Seriously these films are horrendously transparent.

And nobody questions where all the uniformed military personnel who go into that antique shop every morning disappear to until 5pm?

He kind of looks like the lead singer of Franz Ferdinand crossed with a character from Golden Eye on N64 with big head mode turned on.

You’re not a scientist...

Quiet my dear, the men are working here. (classic Stark)

Oh! they cured him, now his head fits his body!

Shifty guy looking around the place, probably nothing to worry about.

He can run! Faster than a car!

 He can rump! Over a fence!

Doesn’t need shoes, the serum was 20% hobbit blood.

No way, he’s got a freaking thunderbird! Good thing Captain American can swim faster than a thunderbird. 

This guy has a near perfect Werner Herzog impression.

Double NAZIS!

HAHA, I hope that’s his actual outfit for the rest of the film. Propaganda man! They’re not subtle are they.

Haha, he’s like Link from Ocarina of Time when you only have the kids equipment; that tiny sword and deku shield.

I love how they’re pretending pageantry this is over the top. America is actually like this.. I’ve been! Also why did they spend all this time, money and science to beef up an amateur actor? There are loads of beefy actors right? Especially in the 40′s when people ate meat for breakfast!

Yup that’s all you are, a dancing monkey on a unicycle.

You should have been able to juggle American flags too.

Literally every film, somebody jumps out of a plane.

Why did he take that wooden shield with him? Isn’t it a bit of a give away that he’s an enemy? literally sticks out like a sore thumb. 10/10 for balls -1000 for common sense.

It’s WW2 but there’s laser guns because real war isn’t exciting enough for the kids of today.

BOOM! Yes, I was starting to get cold turkey since our last explosion.

Oof! Right in the face. That’s it guys, game over.

OH SHIT, That German dude, Agent smith with the Herzog impression just pulled of his whole entire face.

How does he smell?

Terrible.

All the thunderbirds! German engineering at its finest there.

EXPLOSION! 

Obviously they’re not dead though. Can you imagine if they were just dead. The rest of the film is about Sargent Sex Appeal and Colonel Wrinkles... I mean I’d watch that.

In a way I’m a bit disappointed.

Such a fucking do-gooder.

What? Why are there so many airships over London? Was that ever a thing? I’m pretty sure it was a thing in Germany but in London too?

Cor blimey Guvnor!

Knew she was a love interest. You don’t pop up halfway through the film in a red dress like that and not snog the main character.

Ooo! Look who it is Margery Tyrell! Looking all kinds of 1940s sexy. She’s too sexy though, sexy like a female antagonist! I DON’T TRUST HER! She’ll make a Joffrey of him given half the chance!

U mad? apparently not worried about recoil at least.

That uniform is so dumb. It literally defeats the object of a uniform since everyone else is wearing something different. It made sense when he was dancing on stage since he was supposed to stand out and all the dancing girls matched him. There’s a reason why army uniforms are green too. They used to be red and blue and the solders were really easy to see and shoot from a distance. Is Captain American a bullet proof? No he isn’t because he needs his vibranium shield to protect him, that’s why they made him have one of those.

They had Ironman in the 40s too! Is there literally any time in history where there wasn’t some kind of Ironman. Increasingly Tony Stark is looking like a plagiarist wannabe.

Old redface looks like he’s made of playdough doesn’t he.

DOUBLE NAZI

Kill self. That’s a hard no from me. How is he expected to deal with the inevitable effects of PTSD after this is over?

Bike race!

GOGO GADGET WASHING LINE

GOGO GADGET FLAME THROWER EXHAUST

GOGO GADGET CANONS!

This guy is incredible at frisbee. Where did he go to college? I wonder what their ultimate team is called?

Fucking hipsters!

I’m still not sure how they went from the future cube to those blue vaporizing guns... I’m starting to doubt the credibility of the science in this film. Irritating because so far in the MCU its all been pretty reliable fact based drama, 99.9% verifiable peer reviewed science.

NO! he’s going to blow up the sea!?

Why would a kamikaze bomb plane bother with an ejection seat though?

They never do...

Oooh ‘ek!

So they’re not even going to have a little PG kiss with Sargent Sex Appeal? He really is the pansiest superhero yet. Even hulk managed to get a kiss.

Ohhhhh! So that’s what we were looking at in the opening scene!

Didn’t that cube melt through metal earlier? How is that robot thing able to grab it now? 

I hope he’s shrunk again...

Awwh, that would’ve been funny.

WHAT!? He’s broken out of the matrix!

 Also she didn’t age a day?

Nicky the patch! Sort him out will you!

Well you blew it. You’re going to have to settle for her granddaughter.

The real agenda here. 

Okay let’s see the after credits thingy...

Oh its just an advert for the next film is it? That must have been exciting at the time but lets face it, we all knew it was coming.

THE END

That’s it for this one guys. I have to say I didn’t hate it. I think they’re getting better as they go but still some hilariously bad moments sprinkled throughout. 

[loveaghostking]

1-101 (:

thank you cutie loo💚 1. If you could be any mythical creature, what would you choose? a centaur would be dope
2. It’s summer time and you’re thirsty, sweet tea or lemonade? sweet tea
3. Who is your #1 all time crush? ash duh
4. What book would you like to see made into a movie? v for vendetta is already a movie but make it again and better 
5. Create a new ice cream flavor. uhhhh banana pancake
6. Top five favorite songs at the moment? i couldnt even tell you, i dont listen to music like i used to:/
7. You get to choose a superpower but it can’t be the ability to fly, what do you go with? turn into animals
8. Who’s your favorite Muppet? idk any muppets 
9. You get to have a lifetime supply of one kind of food, what is it? spaghetti 
10. What type of lunch meat do you typically choose when making a sandwich or sub? turkey all day every day
11. Water slides or roller coasters? roller coasters
12. What two musicians/bands would you like to see collaborate? brand new and tbs
13. Favorite Disney princess? mulan of rapunzel
14. Is there anyone on tumblr you wish you could meet in person? all my tumblr people are people i know irl 
15. You can only watch one tv show for the rest of your life, what one do you pick? avatar the last airbender 
16. Top five celebrity crushes? nina dobrev, kiara knightly, kendall jenner, rihanna, kristen stewart 
17. Any rules you try to live by? a clean house is a happy house
18. Have you had an serious medical injuries? my dad dropped me down the stairs when i was 3mo. thats bout it
19. Fruity pebbles or cocoa pebbles? fruity pebbles
20. Do you have any new years resolutions? no
21. What’s your birthstone and would you change it if you could? its garnet and no i think its pretty! 
22. What’s your element of choice? (earth, light, water, fire, etc.) id have to pick water 
23. Have you ever had to have stitches? If yes, what for? nope
24. What is a fictional creature you hope actually exists? mermaids dude 
25. Do you have a favorite Crime series? law and order svu and criminal minds
26. If you could go see a Broadway play/musical right now, which would you pick? hamilton 
27. What’s at the top of your holiday wish list this year? i wanna read game of thrones so i guess that
28. What are some things you would do if you were invisible? eavesdrop, go into places for free, travel for free, kill trump and pence
29. Describe your very first kiss. it was in a movie theater, very quick, very wet. 
30. Do you have any guilty pleasures? bitch i fucking love sour patch kids
31. Have you ever performed on a stage? middle school choir
32. If you could meet any one of the Muppets which would it be? idk!
33. Do you have a favorite mixed drink? cream vodka and orange soda 
34. Anything you miss about being a child? no money worries
35. Who is the hottest person that you know of on tumblr? embraceyourrissues is the hottest boy ive ever seen ugh so dreamy
36. Any good book recommendations? v for vendetta, lotr, hp, to kill a mockingbird, pride and prejudicd 
37. What’s your favorite pokemon type? the water ones are so cute
38. What’s the most hurtful thing anyone’s ever said to you? usually when someone tells me to stop talking or something along the lines of that. and the times when ive been called ugly lmao 
39. Is there a song that always makes you want to dance when you hear it? i dont wanna be in love by good charlotte and i wanna get better by bleachers 
40. What’s the best selfie you’ve ever taken and can we see it? i will post it after this! stay tuned 
41. If you could pick just one extinct animal to bring back to life what would it be? the tasmanian tiger 
42. What’s your least favorite name(s)? kimber 
43. If you could change your name to anything, what would you pick? i dont think id change if
44. What are three things on your holiday wish list this year? books, movies, mix cds 
45. If you could get away with any crime what would it be? stealing lots of money 
46. How do you usually break the ice with strangers? im vey shy so idk! 
47. Are you crushing on anyone at the moment? What are they like? yeah omg hes so sweet and handsome and super good at cooking and is very dedicated and he loves animals and has the best sense of style and he is always so sleepy and he loves tacos just as much as i do so i think we might get married or something 
48. Anyone you’re dying to see in concert? YELLOWCARD PLS COME BACCCCKKK
49. Are there any bands/musicians you really dislike? igloo iguana can go back to whatever hell hole she came from 
50. What are you made up of? sugar, tacos, spaghetti, paint residue, suave lotion 
51. Biggest fictional crush? i can not think of any rn but i know i have at least a couple
52. Do you have a favorite bird? nah 
53. If you could completely erase one person or memory from your mind would you do it? i dont think so 
54. What are some thing’s you are always happy to receive as gifts? mix cds, turtles 
55. What do you like to do on rainy days? sleep
56. Chinese take out or pizza? chinese 
57. What do you usually wear to bed? just my undies
58. As a child, what are some of the things you wanted to grow up to be? marine biologist, author 
59. How many pillows do you prefer to sleep with? two
60. What’s your favorite type of weather? summed time weather 
61. What’s your Hogwart’s house? (even if you’re not a Harry Potter fan, 62. you’ve still thought about which house you’d been in, don’t lie.) im in gryffindor! 
62. Favorite month of the year and why? may is usually a good time but september is fire too
63. What is your board game of choice? i love clue and monopoly
64. Are there any commonly held beliefs that you don’t buy into? any beliefs of trump supporters can kiss my ass
65. Describe the best kiss of your life thus far. oh shit theres been so many!! i do have a favorite type of kiss from ash tho, sometimes he puts his forehead against mine and our faces are ridiculously close and it somehow makes the kiss better 
66. What is something you wish didn’t exist? hate
67. What’s the most painful thing you’ve endured? tattoo on my chest
68. Do you collect anything? turtles!!!
69. Is there anything in particular that you’re looking forward to this summer? warped tour, lots of beach trips, seeing my sister
70. If you had a pair of wings, what would they look like? oh they'd be white with a light blue tint and rose gold streaks, very big 
71. Dinner and a movie is so old, what are some other things you’d enjoy doing on a date? i love love love going to the river walk and getting ice cream after
72. What’s your favorite breed of dog? pit bull
73. How do you like your chicken wings? If you don’t like chicken wings, then wtf is wrong with you? honey bbq is always good and boneless 
74. Anyone been on your mind lately? i left eevee out of my room so shes crying and its been on my mind i guess 
75. Are there any things about yourself that you dislike that others seem to love? my face 
76. What’s your favorite part of the playground? swing set
77. Do you like to write? i used to 
78. What’s the best birthday gift you’ve ever received? i got a tattoo! 
79. What is something you never leave home without? my ring 
80. If you drink, what kind of drunk person are you? idk i dont drink often enough to know! 
81. Do you listen to music while you shower? i used to 
82. Are there any classics films you wish would be remade? none cone to mind
83. What’s your go to party song? whatever tony plays at the house
84. Have you got a favorite outfit? Can we see it? currently its my new skirt and top that ash bought me the other day! 
85. What’s the longest you’ve ever talked on the phone for? oh man idk jasmyne and i used to talk for hours on the phone 
86. What’s your favorite emoji? 🌈👻
87. Have you ever had raw fish? on sushi 
88. What accent do you find most attractive? french 
89. What’s one bad thing an ex might have to say about you? i honestly dont think my one ex could say anything bad about me, maybe that i always wanted sushi when we went out to eat 
90. Would you choose to be immortal if you could? no
91. What’s the most expensive thing you ever bought? an apartment lol
92. Have you ever had a black eye? nope
93. What are some questions you’d ask on a first date? music taste, political stance, do you like cats
94. What do you think happens when we die? i dont wanna know
95. Any pets you’d enjoy having? more cats, a pit bull 
96. What are some reasons you might end a relationship? cheating 
97. Is there anything in your room you wouldn’t want your parents stumbling upon? my weed haha wait actually i dont have anymore so i guess nothing. WAIT, theres some nakey polaroids of ash and i that they dont need to see 
98. Are you still friends with anyone from grade school? jasmyne!❤️
99. What is one song you will never, ever get sick of? i wanna get better by bleachers 
100. Waffles or pancake? And what do you put on top of them? pancake, bananas or blueberries 
101. One word you’d use to describe yourself? loving