#and actually that couldve gone way worse but also this is terrible enough as is

[the-sparkling-diamond-satine]

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[somedaypast-thesunset]

i just ... dont feel right inside of myself. like something is slowly leaking into my brain. yesterday i slept for a good portion of the day at his house, then went to sleep around 10pm. when i woke up yesterday it was to an alarm at 5:40. i told him the alarm had given me anxiety straight away - i had to search for the phone in my bag and couldnt find it right away. 

he said it was okay and reminded me that its just because the day is starting and if today is not good i have to remember there is a tomorrow and tomorrow might be better. he told me that i have to remember not to give up and to keep doing what im doing because im doing good. 

i dont feel like im doing good. i dont feel like im progressing like i should be but like.. i put some weight on medication solving many issues and it did but it did not solve the underlying issue which i think my doctor recognized right away. 

and i really appreciate my doctor. i really appreciate that there is someone of professional studied calibre to say - hey, you know what. you went through a lot of shit. youre not fucked for not being able to cope. the majority of people dont go through what youve gone through. and they probably wont. 

and thats it you know - like i want a level of sympathy but not pity. i want the understandng of how important it is to my life that i do not have parents or a family. that is a huge defining factor of so many things. and its not because i needed them to take care of me. thats not it at all. i am perfectly capable of caring for myself - in fact; ive done so for most of my life. i cared FOR THEM so its not laziness. its not me going out in the world and crying about how i have to be an adult. ive been an adult since i was 10. like since i hit puberty, ive been an adult. ive taken on adult responsibilities an handled adult situations since i was 10. and thats 17 years. my doctor brought this up himself - he recognized that ive had 17 years of dealing with trauma that most people dont deal with or deal with at amuch much older age when theyre able to cope. i grew up in trauma. i was built by trauma. 

my doctor actually repeats it a lot - you lost both of your parents. like its not the excuse - its the reason why i am struggling. i dont need anxiety about why im struggling or why i cant get better; there is a reason. he is giving me the answer that im looking for. 

last night i was very upset. he asked if i wanted to go for a walk or refocus or stretch or talk about it. but i just felt very very upset. i told him that i had felt very isolated for the past few weeks. but not because i spend time alone. i have no problem spending time alone. i was an only child, i learned to cope with being alone and i found peace in it. being alone is very peaceful. 

but you dont be alone forever. you cant just _be_ alone unless you literally isolate yourself and live off the land. like you have to revert back to cavemen times to be entirely alone. and i’m not interested in that; people realized by banding together you accomplish more and i’m not going to go against proof of a millenium of years. so people; all people - every single person is important. they might not be important to YOU but theyre important to SOMEONE so theyre important, you know? everyone is important; everyone i meet will affect my life in some way. 

but this isolation is not in a lack of meeting people. ive been around people. ive had options and choices to be around even more people. but when im around people and i try to relate with them or have a conversation ... i dont care? like i care, i care about whats happening with them but like i have no sense of relation to them. like theyre hanging out with cousins or family or they have this wedding to go to and their cat dies and its the worst thing that happens or their grandma dies and people are sooo sympathetic and thats not my experience of life? like i have not had that experience of life. so i’m carrying a lot of resentment and bitterness towards life itself right now. and i feel like i have to reprogram myself to be okay that i didnt have the exprience a majority of people have and continue to have. so its kind of an ongoing battle to be like - hey, its okay you dont have a mother. its okay you dont have a father. its okay no one really cares if youre dead or alive. just keep doing you.

i guess in some ways im envious of people who have good mothers. i always wanted to have a good mother. and you know what? it would be amazing to have a good mother right now. even as an adult. that would be really nice. i feel like if i had a good mother i could sit down and chat with her and she would be invested in my life and give me weird advice i dont know if id take but maybe i would and she’d make cookies or maybe shed buy cookies and give them to me but either way im getting cookies. and then you know maybe at the end she slips me 20$ for bus money or something - you know moms and i go off to work or something. 

i’m not really asking a lot of a mom, i guess. i have pretty low expectations. it’d be great if they didnt hurt me. i feel like ive been hurt a lot. even by my father - maybe unintentionally. like it hurt that he didnt care enough to be well. and he couldve. he really couldve. i feel like there was a lot of senseless death around me. i feel like no one cares. like people literally died because no one cares. thats how serious life is. i cant unshake that. its not like a belief i have. its my truth. its what ive lived. 

but im not delusional, you know? i can obviously see people caring. like the bubble i grew up in - no one fucking cares. not a single ass person givesa  fuck and i think we were all developed in our own ways to not give a fuck beyond ourselves because maybe this whole bubble was just survival. 

but i can see it exists. i can see its not beyond a human being to care. i can see it with my own eyes so thats also a truth. but i feel resentful its not a truth for me; as much as i’ve tried to have it be and not just with my parents and not just within my bubble. but it cant be the whole truth because life has variables. 

like i feel very attached to him right now because he is a variable. and i hate to create this like.. level of heavy importance on who he is and who he is to me because to me it feels like life or death. not that iw ould die. its very unlikely i would kill myself over him. like ... theres too many other reasons for it to land on him, honestly. but its life or death of my hope in the world as i know it. this is like the one last shot, one last chance of being proven that not every person i meet is going to be an asshole. that i have atleast the CHANCE for love, support, care & understanding. 

but thats because of who he is. not because i came into it with the hope that hewould do this for me. i never had an expectation for him - ever. i was pretty fed up and just kind of went with whatever was going on in all of life. but he became a variable because as i got to know him, i realized how good of a person he is and how much he cares for me.

one of the biggest things that gives me so much... i dont even know. like something good that is undescribable. he is not like.. some next level person or anything. hes just a normal guy, but because hes capable of being ... i dont even know if its mature or adult because adult men older than him have been worse and have been worse to me. like, to me this is transcendent in a very deep scar that has been within me for a long time regarding men and sex.

i have been treated terribly in most of my relationships. if not all of them. and a good amount of that treatment has come in the form of sex. men have not given a single fuck about me in a relationship when it comes to sex. i am an obligation. they deserve sex because theyre in a relationship with me and thats what we do. thats just how it is. even in terrible times, you know? even in the worst of times, they’d still be trying to fuck. and its fine - really, maybe thats a nature of a man. but if it is - and you overcome that nature to display a level of fucking respect, thank you. 

i think he understood before i said it last night, but i described it outloud - i have bigger problems than your passive need for an orgasm. life is a lot bigger and harder than this. it’s a lot more real. he had made a sarcastic and joking comment when i was scrolling on my phone (in view of him, on instagram) to stop talking to all my boyfriends. my gut reaction was a very stern, rolling of the eyes kind of “sure”. i understood he was joking but to me it was so stupid - so stupid - that even as a joke i wouldnt entertain the idea of it when i do in fact feel anxiety on a constant basis to a point that even thinking about other men or other people in such a way is a waste of my time and something i’m really not interested in. having “more” boyfriends or additional relationships honestly progresses nothing in my life. the relationship and friendship i have with him is acknowledgable as incredibly important. 

i think weve had sex once in three weeks. not because no one is interested in being physical, and not because we’ve become distant in any way, but because its not the most important thing to do right now. its not really really necessary. i believe he almost understands it as just a physical need that is natural like a sneeze or take a shit. which sounds terrible, sex should be more than that - and it is, but when you’re overcome with the need or the urge for such a thing, you may be lonely or you may just have an urge - like an urge for eating mcdonalds or chocolate. you dont need to satisfy that urge by creating multiple parterships and fucking all sorts of people. it can be as simple as jacking off and moving on in your day. 

though, truthfully, i enjoy having sex with him. he’s created a trust level that has allowed me to sincerely enjoy it and when we have sex, even when it’s a quick thing, it feels like he really appreciates that i’m offering my body to him. whether or not i was still fairly asexual, whether or not i had an inherent desire, i was still offering my body to him for him to use. it’s hard not to feel like you’re in a passive/submissive position when you’re the one being prodded; even if you take enjoyment from it. but maybe its just me. i dont know. regardless i feel lik the position is respected. 

sometimes, i feel like a true ‘queen’. he treats me so well and has given me such legitimate deep care. when i speak about even the few things he does for me, on his own accord, i feel like there are some who are envious / jealous and try to express somethig their boyfriend does for them; like it’s an one-up contest. instead of appreciating that there’s someone - anyone - in my 27 years of life who gives a fuck enough to show me such treatment, they try to extole the virtues of their own partners. 

but there are some i feel appreciate it. why shouldnt i be treated like that? why shouldnt he braid my hair, feed me fruit, make me cakes, dance with me to flashdance when im sad? why? i didnt ask for any of these things (i asked for cake) - why dont i deserve someone who wants to do these things? not only does he do this - he frequently, if not on a daily basis, looks at me in clear honesty and tells me i look pretty or that my clothes look good, or my hair looks nice. if i manage to put on makeup, he always acknowledges it. if i dont, i’m still told i’m beautiful. 

one time he told me it and i told him he always tells me it when i kind of look terrible - like i havent showered in a few days or i forgot to brush my teeth or wash my face or brush my hair. i’m a mess, most of the time. he told me he could see “underneath all of that”, as a joke. 

he was - and told me - he’d talk to that girl last night. i fell asleep and he was awake for maybe a half an hour or so but i dont know if he did or not. i truly dont care. i feel like the only reason he cares is a perceived notion tht i have something aganst her personally; which i dont. her existence only matters because of his past connection to her, otherwise i wouldn’t know of her at all. and his past connections are so far in the past and so meaningless to the present that i legitimately dont care. thats not his life or my life or our life anymore. 

and i guess thats kind of a way i grew as a person. and he might not even realize that, which is okay. but like - i’d definitely, in the past, hold a lot of resentment and bitterness and distrust in a person who has done some of the things he has done. but he’s never lied. and that’s like.... that’s real. he has never once even attempted to hide or lie anything. ever. and knowing things makes life better. knowing whats happening around you and why and who the person youre dealing with is and why they do things and what theyve done before - it’s a choice. you can choose to be involved when its all laid out or you can leave. your choice. are you hurt or do you move on? 

i really appreciate that level of honesty for once in my life. for all the liars and theives ad fucked up people ive been around, i need that. and i am a mostly honest person with him. which is bad. like to use mostly is already bad. and if i was entirely honest, it’d probably be okay, but i have shame in what i did. and again - no interest in being with others, so i’ve not been with anyone since weve been together. i havent even spoken to other people. 

this morning he asked how i felt. i said about the same. but he let me wake up in a more natural way instead of rushing me or waking me up himself and it helped a bit. as he was driving me home he said something like, “baby girl, even though you’re upset you still have to find me funny”. i told him i wasnt upset. he said “well sad or unwell or whatever, you still have to find me funny”. as i got out of the car, he repeated that he loved me a few times and to have a good day. i told him to text me later, he told me he’d call and see how i was doing. 

his concern makes me feel like at least taking a shower is worth doing in my day.