#and a lot about trauma and how it impacts how you interface with interpersonal relationships.

[danmeichael]

tbf anatomy's whole thing is that the house is an organism that you're inside of so out of all the houses in the world the anatomy house is definitely up there in terms of sexiness

oh for sure the bodily and visceral nature of the house is part of the appeal. shocker, guy who is big into cannibalism loves the house that is hungry and eats you. it definitely contributes.

but i think part of my borderline psychosexual obsession with the house from anatomy comes not just from her being visceral and hungry, but from the longing portrayed by the story of anatomy.

i have seen at least one video essay on the topic of anatomy saying that the house doesn't want you there. and with all due respect to whatever smart person said that: that is stupid as fuck and wrong.

the house wants you there so badly she doesn't know what to do with herself. it is overtly stated that the house is doing this because she is lonely, because she's been neglected, because she has been given purpose and had that purpose taken from her and now you are offering it to her. she is terrified of being left empty again. the story builds her up as a living thing that wants to be loved, wants to be fulfilled, but has been driven to her breaking point by the lack of that thing. the house is not an antagonist, she is not an aggressor.

she is so, so hungry. she's starving. she just wants to be full again. she has been left without love for so long, left hungry for so long, that she's forgotten how to love you without teeth.

[arihi]

NaNoWriMo #3

Here we go! The third one! I don’t think this one will be hypnosis related so much as talking about myself, personal issues and my relation to hypnosis which is more secondary, so feel free to skip this one (or mute the tag #AriNo to mute all of these)!

IT. Has been no secret. Yes. Here it comes. I can’t stop the words. They’re vomiting out of my mouth. Oh no. Not again! I DON’T FEEL GREAT ALL THE TIME! Oh no. There you have it. Nobody who’s read anything I’ve posted on Twitter or Tumblr in the last month would possibly have realized this. Now that I’ve dropped this bombshell on you, I also note that it’s a thing I continuously work on! And also, that it’s okay to not feel great, all the time. And I feel like despite my serious emotional struggles I do pretty okay at self-soothing and being mindful of myself and trying to heal instead of constantly being down on myself.

Positive things first! Remember 2018, that end of the year post that was all about how 2018 was a huge backslide for me? 2019, despite a lot of recent troubles, has been a high point - really! It’s been a good year personally, for Ari. I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve learned to interface with some things in a healthier manner. I begrudgingly let myself feel cared for sometimes. I MOVED OUT! Heck y’all, I MOVED OUT! I looked at my ko-fi the other day and it still says ‘fund my moving out’. I don’t need that anymore! Now it should probably be ‘feeeeeed me’. Once in a while I’ll get a note on an old post of mine and I’ll look through other posts around that time period, and there were so many about home life and feeling trapped and wishing I’d one day get out of it. And I did! I put my foot down one day and booked a ticket to fly here and I found an apartment that weekend and I signed a lease the following Monday. And I moved out within a month. And Spider mentioned too, that I’m definitely more stressed since I moved out, but happier. I’d like to think that’s the case.

I think my lack of stories and content have definitely been tied into my mental state. Theoretically erotic stories being difficult to write when you’re feeling down aside, I just haven’t had the same connection with hypnosis as I had before. Going into it all it was like eyes wide open with this endless sky of possibilities, you know? Nowadays I’ve had less drive or want to engage with hypnosis or be hypnotized. Which definitely does make stories harder to write.

Hypnosis can be such an intimate thing. I used to do more casual pick-up play for the experiences, but I feel less and less geared towards that. And since the bulk of my problems have been feeling emotionally distant and difficulty communicating worries, it makes sense that hypnosis has sort of fallen to the wayside. A while ago I realized that getting along and liking and being friends with people was one thing, but feeling my mood impacted - good or bad - by another person was terrifying. I don’t like it. Fully admit it’s intimacy issues and probably trauma. I had the thought ‘the only people who are allowed to impact me like this should be family’ which wow, that’s a loaded statement! I don’t like when people can make me feel bad. The only person that should do that is myself, damn it. It’s somehow even more terrifying when a person can make me happy. I’ve straight up told close ones that they make me smile when I shouldn’t be able to and that it makes me uncomfortable. And so, it makes sense that my relationship with hypnosis has started to form cracks.

There’s that feeling of trust and vulnerability that comes with hypnosis, a real honest scene with somebody I have a lot of rapport with (different from more casual play, which is also good in its own way!). And when previously I craved that, and found solace and peace in feeling anxious thoughts and worries drift away, because I needed sanity because of what home life was like for me, now the thought terrifies me. I’m away from the environment, and I’m safer here. When you’re all caught up in it your immediate thoughts are coping and survival, but when you’re safe you get to reflect a little bit, sort out the trauma, and it feels like you’ve gotten worse. But it’s a part of healing. And maybe hypnosis can have a part in it somehow. I know I have to let down the barriers. But the thought of that vulnerability right now is terrifying, to me.

I suppose that’s the metaphor for life and interpersonal relationships, isn’t it? That feeling of a ‘weak point’ and not wanting to fall into it. Trance being something that feels so exposed, something that can get past those walls and shields. The thought of that being so scary and impossible, but wanting the idea of that badly. Craving the safety and stability to be able to feel that vulnerable, and for it to be safe for you to put aside your mind, your thoughts for a little while. And knowing that you’ll wake up, okay, and just as safe. Find the things that make you feel safe. Find what or who makes you smile when you shouldn't be able to. That’s what keeps you connected. That’s what makes a home.

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