#and a full size caramello bar????????

[kerosene-saint]

it's gonna take me so long to get through all these snacks and candy I got last night

[mostlysignssomeportents]

The 2019 Halloween Candy Hierarchy

David Ng and Ben Cohen:

A HISTORY

It began, as all things do, with a geology joke. We ranked candy based on their location in various geological strata, both real and imagined. The strata, not the ranking. In 2006, we compiled years of lived experience into a hierarchy of candy preference for Halloween. Not all candy. Not all times. But for trick or treating purposes. 

Let’s talk candy rankings, then, which have become a kind of cottage industry in the last decade’s social-media age of the internet. In fact, candy rankings and arguments over their perceived accuracy might be the perfect distillation of what a certain kind of internet is good for. It lets people argue over opinion; its conclusions thus have to be constantly modified and adjusted; also there are no conclusions, of course, because it is a fickle game of idle speculation; it’s low stakes fun; and reasonable people can disagree with unreasonable arguments. These are great things for hashing out the enjoyment of various shapes of sugar. Good on you, social media. They are not necessarily great things that go beyond idle speculation, for actual democratic society, for governance or policy or the protection of human dignity. 

Candy, though. And Halloween. There will be rankings (immediately below), then deliberations on history (further below) and a beautiful chart (furthest below). There is a hierarchy. We are making our priority claim.

  The Candy Hierarchy (2019)

Any full-sized candy bar Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups Kit Kat Twix Snickers Cash, or other forms of legal tender Peanut M&M’s Regular M&Ms Nestle Crunch Tolberone something or other Milky Way Lindt Truffle Rolos Three Musketeers Hershey's Dark Chocolate York Peppermint Patties 100 Grand Bar Skittles Starburst Hershey’s Milk Chocolate Heath Bar Junior Mints Caramellos Nerds Milk Duds Hershey's Kisses Jolly Ranchers (good flavor) Cadbury Creme Eggs Swedish Fish Gummy Bears straight up Smarties (American) LemonHeads Glow sticks Mint Juleps Vicodin Pixy Stix Licorice (not black) LaffyTaffy Lollipops Mint Kisses Minibags of chips Bottle Caps Smarties (Commonwealth)

Candy Corn

Now'n'Laters Dots Kinder Happy Hippo Goo Goo Clusters Fuzzy Peaches Hard Candy Good N' Plenty Licorice (yes black) Reggie Jackson Bar Chiclets Trail Mix Hugs (actual physical hugs) Bonkers (the candy) Maynards Sweetums (a friend to diabetes) Healthy Fruit Black Jacks Pencils Those odd marshmallow circus peanut things Jolly Rancher (bad flavor) Spotted Dick Generic Brand Acetaminophen Box'o'Raisins Whole Wheat anything Anonymous brown globs that come in black & orange wrappers (Mary Janes) Creepy Religious comics/Chick Tracts Kale smoothie White Bread Dental paraphenalia Gum from baseball cards Candy that is clearly just the stuff given out for free at restaurants Broken glow stick

https://boingboing.net/2019/10/30/the-official-2019-candy-hierar.html

[siamusotima-aranea]

On Halloween the kiddo got a full sized Caramello candy bar. The only Caramello Candy bar, which made it valuable. I wanted the Caramello Candy bar, but so did the kiddos friend (Who was dressed as, I quote, “Yas-afied Walter White”), and of course, the kiddo intended to take the best offer. I searched through my hard earned goodies,(Because yes, as a soft faced individual measuring in at the modest height of five foot one, I still pass as a child for occasional discounts and candy, so I did indeed trick-or-treat with them.) and offered up several of my less cherished fun sized candies and a rice crispy treat, but Walter White offered a haul of similar value and then some, this sparked a bidding war in which I eventually realized that I am indeed an adult, and can just go an buy a Caramello Candy bar the next time I am at the grocery store, for like a dollar. 

So I let Walter White win the candy bar, but kiddo wanted us both to be happy, and suggested we split the bar. This was a very sweet (Ba-dum-tish) but flawed suggestion, because as it was a Caramello Candy bar, filled entirely with loose runny caramel, the situation had the potential to get sticky.

Having made already made peace with the loss, I simply told them “No no, it’s fine, don’t split the baby, just keep the whole thing.” Which is, I think, a bible reference. Which, even with the proper context, was a pretty fucking weird reference to make, that neither child even questioned for a second. 

I later confirmed that they had no idea what the fuck I was talking about, never heard that story before, but just ran with it.    All this just to say, I had a nice Halloween.  

[indiikaa]

Meeks CinemaSins’ Wreck-it Ralph

This is what I did last weekend when I slowly went insane. It’s under the cut, btw...

Because my ISP has decided to fuck up our service for the past four days, I have been stuck watching BLU-Rays. Unfortunately, I don’t have that many BLU-rays to watch, so I’ve been mostly watching one of my favourite movies over and over again. Which movie? Wreck-It Ralph.

Now, when this happened before, I did this hilarious Watch Through where I wrote down EVERYTHING I thought was weird, funny, or just wanted to point out in The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug. Kind of like Cinema Sins but with more humor/ insight. I decided to do it again with Wreck-it Ralph because I mean, come on.

 START

 v  When you pause, Chris Hardwick talks to you.

v  Why did Ralph never make a house in the dump like he does at the end of the movie beforehand? Sleeping on Bricks has to hurt.

v  In the intro, Felix doesn’t actually fully fix the building, there are still broken windows near Ralph.

v  Is the bulldozer sentient by itself or if there someone inside it?

v  Where does the bulldozer live?

v  You can see a lake and a nice forest behind the Niceland apartment, with a nice walk around it; why doesn’t Ralph live near there? He can move his stump there!

v  Despite what everyone says; Zombie is definitely from Night of the Living Dead, a real arcade game about Zombies with Hatchets. I swear.

v  Bowsers hair looks very... not Bowser.

v  Kano put that heart away that’s gross.

v  Why is Clyde the only Pac-man ghost we see at Bad-Anon? Are the others at Tappers? We see them in Game Central Station, so they must have gone somewhere.

v  Does Eggman wear a rubber jacket? Cause... wtf Eggman.

v  M. Bison should bring snacks.

v  Zangief is a good friend, he even saved Ralph a spot on the tram!

v  That Turtle looks like he’s enjoying his book...

v  Beware of roaming packs of Space Marines.

v  Why was Q*Bert unplugged? They never tell us why!

v  I get that DJ Hero was a thing and all, but... WHY?

v  So Pac-Man, Sonic, Skrillex, Some sun dude, A turtle named Glen from Frogger, A bartending Clown, Mario, some gram crackers, all the Nicelanders and Felix were invited to the party, but no one invited Ralph? They wouldn’t have a GAME without Ralph!

v  Why don’t Ralph and Felix move like the Nicelanders?

v  Gene is such a pompous asshole. Like, there’s absolutely no reason for it.

v  You mean to tell me in 30 years, no one’s even taken the time to get to know Ralph? Ralph is better off without the Nicelanders.

v  Gene, that was totally unnecessary.

v  I agree Felix, let’s just eat the cake.

v  Gene just makes the situation worse. Ralph should wreck him. Not that way.

v  Why are all the splatters pink? Shouldn’t they be multi-coloured?

v  I see a Space Invader!

v  Tapper has to be busy every night. Like, so many games, One bar game...

v  How did the Metal Gear Solid exclamation mark get into the lost and found? Metal Gear doesn’t have an arcade version...

v  Markowski’s callsign is “Hold Em!”. No seriously, his shoulder pad says his callsign.

v  Or it could be Ace, because all the cards are Aces.

v  You can see the port that Q*Bert would have been plugged into.

v  There is absolutely no way that Fix-if Felix JR. and Hero’s Duty would be plugged into the same power block. Not unless you want a shit ton of cables that cause a tripping hazard.

v  Why does Calhoun not wear the same uniform as everyone else?

v  Literally she’s more vulnerable because she has less protection.

v  Unless it’s coded that she can’t get hit by a Cybug.

v  The girl literally screams, but then seems not to care the next second. Wtf is with that?

v  Okay so I have a few beefs about Sugar Rush, but the main one this early in the movie is this:

As we learn later, the roster changes every day. This gives us a total of 9 racers per day, as it’s a

3x3 column. Remember this.

 v  The Nicelanders are all worried, it’s their fault that their game is Out Of Order.

v  They’re all surprised that Ralph Gamejumps. I would too if I was treated like dirt.

v  It took Ralph ALL DAY to climb the tower? It takes him maybe 3 seconds to climb to the top of the Niceland Tower. Nope, not buying it.

v  If Hero’s Duty is only the landing strip and the tower, with the drop off vehicle at the end of the landing strip, where do all the AI live?

v  What triggers all the eggs to hatch when the game starts?

v  Why are there stairs when the First Person Shooter AI-Bot thing has wheels? It won’t be able to make it up the stairs, unless they turn into a ramp.

v  Baby Cybugs are adorable.

v  Okay, Ralph just activated so many baby Cybugs. Why did they not hatch?

v  Sonic, you weren’t even hit by that, why did you lose your rings?

v  To think about it, why are there even escape pods at the top of Hero’s Duty? Is it so when it’s Game Over and they made it to the top of the tower, that the AI can escape?

v  Why does Sugar Rush have its name written in mint sticks?

v  Pocky Pussywillows. Yummy.

v  Who gave Sarah Silverman a microphone?

v  Why do Double Stripes break? There is no reason for anyone to know this except for Ralph’s inconvenience.

v  No, seriously, I’m hung up on this tree thing. Why in a game about racing is there a rule about not touching double-stripe tree branches? Unless it’s a part of a race track where you race through the trees or something and the track gives way under you if you go across a double stripe area...

v  When Ralph is hanging from the Double Stripe branch, why does it take so long to disappear?! The others were instant!

v  Okay so why are Hero’s Duty, Sugar Rush and Fix-it Felix JR. all plugged not the same extension? That’s impossible, since they’re all across from each other in separate sides of two isles.

v  Some of the Graffiti is hilarious, but I don’t think Arcade Games would know who Leroy Jenkins is. Or Aerith for that matter.

v  How can Burger Time be Now Playing, if the arcade is closed?

v  Where the hell does Calhoun hide that giant gun? Know what? Never mind, I don’t want to know.

v  Those FIFA guys keep walking around in the background in the same loop cycle.

v  14 of the Sugar Rush racers show up. If you look closely, most of the background ones are wearing the same thing – Parkas, Bows or hats with pig tails. Are they just bad re-skins of the same character, or all different characters?

v  Wouldn’t that get confusing to the gamers though? It’s the same character design but just a different colour.

v  The 9 racers of the day were: Rancis Taffyta, Blue Pigtails, Candlehead, King Candy, Pumpkinhead, Blue Parka, Snowcone hair and Green Bow. I’m going to guess that you can’t have more of the same “character” on the roster because that would confuse players, or would it?

v  Unless their all related.

v  What would players who have played Sugar Rush in other arcades think if they saw King Candy, if you know his story? Would they be like “Who the hell is King Candy? Where’s Princess Von Schweetz?”

v  What if you’ve never won a race? Are you just not allowed to race?

v  All the Racers names:

Taffyta Muttonfudge, Crumbelina Di Caramello, Gloyd Orangeboar, Adorabeezle Winterpop, Citrusella Flugpucker, Nougetsia Brumblestain, Sticky Wipplesnit, Minty Zaki, Snowanna Rainbeau, Rancis Fluggerbutter, Jubileena Bing-Bing, Swizzle Malarkey, Candlehead, Vanellope Von Schweetz and King Candy.

 v  Looking at the names, none of the racers could be related in any way, so why are half of them just reskins of the other half?!

v  Who names their kid Rancis?! No seriously, check the scoreboard, it says his name is Rancis, not Francis.

v  If Vanellope is really a glitch, why would her picture appear next to her name? Wouldn’t it be a placeholder icon? Or wouldn’t her name be all glitch?

v  Someone didn’t lock up the narrators memories.

v  Why is there a random cupcake standing on a pedestal like that? It makes no sense.

v  Police Brutality.

v  Taffyta, his name is RANCIS, not Francis. Get it right.

v  How does King Candy know who Ralph even is? Vanellope didn’t know who he was, but if it isn’t obvious that there’s something up with him...

v  More Police brutality.

v  Ha ha, Disney bought Star Wars just to use Darth Vader’s breathing noises.

v  Okay, so if Vanellope is at the Junkyard “fixing” her cart, why doesn’t she make one out of the thrown-out carts instead? There’s wheels, full carts with no engines; so all she’d need is an engine to go.

v  Only 10 of the racers show up, so one of each duplicate racer can come gang up on Vanellope’s car.

v  Wtf is Snowanna’s car even supposed to be? (Snowconehead)

v  At least Vanellope gets Rancis’s name right.

v  Why are they so offended with her car?

v  Who died and made Taffyta Queen of the Racetrack? Oh right.

v  Why is there a broken stoplight? Who killed the stoplight?!

v  That Jawbreaker split really cleanly...

v  Felix, seriously? You are so dense that you can’t see that something is wrong?

v  Turbo Time was next to Fix-it Felix JR..

v  How does Turbo hitting the car a cause for a glitch-out? It makes no sense.

v  And even so, when we learn what happens to Turbo, how did he game-jump for so long without anyone knowing?

v  How does Felix know what Laffy Taffy is?

v  Why is he Fix-it Felix JR. when his uniform just says Felix?

v  Why does his hammer work outside the game?

v  He totally can’t hold her, he’s not even half her size.

v  How DID the Cybug survive the Candy Swamp anyway?

v  How does one enter the Make Your Kart mini-game?

v  Does Sugar Rush have a Make Your Own Racer area too? That would be better than the 4000 different reskinned characters.

v  There is NO WAY that Kart would come out looking like that, from THAT mess. Nope, not happening.

v  Is it like in real racing arcades where you can create a profile, put in your secret code and keep playing from last time?

v  Why is there a Nutrition Facts label in the Security Office?

v  Get it? Their Bear Claws. That’s why they’re C.L.A.W.

v  Hidden Mickey!

v  There is no way that Ralph and Vanellope are faster than King Candy and the cops.

v  Wouldn’t King Candy know about the hidden passage?

v  How does Vanellope know the lollipops are sugar-free?

v  Mentos agreed to this.

v  Wouldn’t broiling hot diet coke smell really bad? It sure tastes bad.

v  Where do the other kids live in Sugar Rush? The trailer park or? We don’t see a village or houses or anything...

v  How many different tracks are there in Sugar Rush anyway? We see at least three – the unfinished bonus level, the one the kids race on, and the one at the end of the movie.

v  Why did Vanellope look around her dashboard for the start button? She literally has only ONE button on her dash! The rest are lights!

v  Why would Racing be the only thing that Vanellope still has in her code? Wouldn’t King Candy have taken that out too?

v  Why is the Contra code something in an Arcade?

v  I don’t think Sugar Rush was made by Nintendo.

v  I don’t think it was even on the NES, not with those graphics.

v  Why is King Candy’s profile so much bigger than everyone elses? Is it because racers think he’s a super rare character or something?

v  Technically, wouldn’t he glitch out because, he’s not from Sugar Rush?

v  Great example of PTSD.

v  Why does Felix refer to Ralph as his friend? He hasn’t done anything to warrant calling Ralph a friend!

v  When did Vanellope have the time to make Ralph the cookie medal?

v  Why did King Candy return to where he last saw Ralph and Vanellope anyway?

v  If King Candy took the medal out of the pot, wouldn’t the game glitch and Vanellope be unable to race? Technically she bought her way in with the game thinking the medal was a coin, so why not?

v  According to King Candy, Sugar Rush is next to Dig Dug.

v  King Candy knows a lot about what happens when a game is unplugged. Was that the fate the twins had when Turbo Time was unplugged or? Did Turbo just sadistically watch his game get unplugged and watch the twins glitch out trying to get out?

v  How can Ralph hold onto Vanellope when she glitches?

v  Vanellope is seen glitching off the tree, why doesn’t she just glitch off before Ralph breaks the kart?

v  Wouldn’t Ralph have seen the other Nicelanders in Game Central Station when he was heading back to Fix-it Felix JR.?

v  Why did Gene stay behind? To shove it in Ralph’s face?

v  Gene, he seriously wanted friends and you’re just being an asshat. Good riddance.

v  When Ralph looks to Sugar Rush (Which brings back the question: HOW ARE THEY PLUGGED IN THR SAME POWER BLOCK?!), we see Vanellope in a racing-style outfit. Why don’t we ever see her in this outfit?

v  We also see her driving her actual kart, wouldn’t that tip Ralph off that King Candy isn’t driving the right kart, since he drives Vanellope’s original kart, with added horns and flags?

v  How was King Candy able to lock up memories?

v  How does Sour Bill know how to fix Vanellope’s code? Wouldn’t he have forgotten, or King Candy forced him to forget?

v  Oh hey, I forgot Calhoun was in this still.

v  Calhoun’s GPS sets off the Cybug’s eggs, so why did Ralph touching them with his foot earlier only set off one and not the whole gang?

v  Felix, you hit the broken bar with your hammer. Bar repaired and strengthened itself. You didn’t touch it; you hit it with a hammer.

v  Try using your fists next time.

v  It took 30 years, almost drowning in chocolate milk mix, and being imprisoned for Felix to finally realize what Ralph goes through every day.

v  That “Bad Girl” sign was awfully specific.

v  “Glitch Proof” but what if it’s not actually a glitch?

v  Wow, it took them like 4 hours to clean up the starting track.

v  Hah, she burned out at the start line.

v  Why is there, excluding King Candy, only one male racer?

v  They stole item blocks from Mario Kart. Quick Nintendo, sue them!

v  Who let Candlehead put fire on her kart?!

v  Cybugs are Asexual reproducers.

v  Who is the stupid racer who is only like 10 feet from the start line? Like, really?!

v  How did King Candy know about the secret road?

v  How could no one figure out King Candy was Turbo? Like, wouldn’t he have been missing for a while and wouldn’t people wonder what happened to him after he game jumped?

v  As many have theorized before: Vanellope’s glitch isn’t actually a glitch, it’s an ability, since she can use it at will even at the end of the movie.

v  Why did the sky suddenly go dark? Having Cybugs appear wouldn’t magically change the skyline, unless they ate the code for day.

v  Why would Turbo’s Cybug body looks totally different than any other Cybug? Is it because he’s a “virus” or a Glitch in the game?

v  That was incredibly selfish of you, Ralph.

v  Fucking Bad Guy Affirmation. Tissue time.

v  Okay, I get this is a super emotional scene and I admit to crying in the theater when I saw it, but who’s car did Vanellope steal? Why didn’t she glitch hers out of the crash and go after Ralph with her own?

v  I get the cola is broiling hot but that wouldn’t destroy the Cybugs, would it? In Hero’s Duty, the Beacon is like a bug zapper. This is just hot cola.

v  Why are Ralph and Vanellope drenched? Before, the chocolate didn’t work like that.

v  Why does Vanellope’s code have her hair like she’s had it during the  movie (in a pony tail), and on the side of the box (still in a pony tail), but when she’s Princess Vanellope, her hair is in a bun?

v  I love you, Calhoun.

v  Would racers at Litwak’s Arcade think Vanellope is a super secret unlocked racer or something, because she would have never been seen before?

v  She can still glitch, so there has to be a reason for that in that it’s her special power.

v  So, why are the Nicelanders nice to Ralph at the end of the movie? Did Felix talk to them or something? Why? It makes no sense!

v  Zombie smiling is weird.

v  Wouldn’t the Q*bert guys glitch out or something in Fix-it Felix JR.?

v  Isn’t it taboo to wear the same wedding dress?

v  Wait, why would the racers get coins? At the end, Vanellope gets a trophy. Where do the coins come from?

v  Was it the surge protector responsible for all that graffiti?

v  Doom/Wolfeinstein-Style Hero’s Duty. Okay.

v  Ralph is overkill in destroying the car come on man.

v  Felix looks weird in 64-bit.

v  Look at all the Medals they left behind! There’s no way that between the four of them, they didn’t get all the medals.

v  Overall, Wreck-it Ralph took place over the span of approximately two days. (“I’ll get someone to look at it tomorrow, but if he can’t fix it, it may be time to put ol’ Ralph and Felix out to pasture, like my Nana!” – Mr. Litwak). One of those days, Calhoun is in Sugar Rush trying to find Ralph with Felix; who did she leave someone in charge of Hero’s Duty – Like Cohut? – or?

v  See Timeline of Events to understand that one.

v  Q*bert!