#and WAT DO THEY HAVE ONNNN

[storge]

It’s too late Lu Xia.

[myhiddeagenda]

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: Hey

You: F, 21, Norway

You: Sup over?

Stranger: M

Stranger: 19

You: Apparently, I can't English

Stranger: 😂😂😂

You: How ya doing?

Stranger: I’m good, you?

You: Fairly cool

You: The temperature has finally started to get lower than 30* degreees

You: Thank lord

Stranger: Lmao, it’s pretty hot over here in Michigan

Stranger: Wyd

You: Fucking gross

You: Not much really

You: Bored, my friends ditched me

You: So here I am, passing time

Stranger: Ahhhhh, I just got out of football. I’m just laying down

You: ooh, football which is not soccer rofl

Stranger: Yes, American football

You: I've tried it once, it's shits and giggles till someone tackles you with their shoulder to your gut

Stranger: Try that six hours a day

You: No thanks. I'm ok with my decent amount of hockey

You: haha

Stranger: You wanna play truth or dare or something

You: Sure

You: Hit me up

Stranger: Truth or dare

You: Truth I guess

Stranger: You got a bf

Stranger: ?^

You: I'd like to say yes, but it's complicated

You: How do you even do a dare over Omegle?

Stranger: Idk, you just trust the other person does it I guess

You: I ain't devouring boogers

You: no thanks

Stranger: Lmao

You: How's your lovelife going?

You: You must have girls swooning after ya

Stranger: I mean, sex is fun

You: hahha, all of the testosterone

Stranger: It’s fun for the other person too

Stranger: Trust meeee

You: wooowzers, I ain't judging you

Stranger: Truth or dare

You: Truth

Stranger: When was the last time you’ve had some good sex

You: Shit, hard question

You: hmm

You: After "boyfriend" did the "what are we" talk, I honestly went out partying out of pure anger with a couple of dude friends

You: Of my friends cousin was having hard luck finding "fun" so I joined him home

You: Not proud of it, but it was damn good

Stranger: Be proud of it, you got some good sex

You: Guilt trips my conscious

You: Okay

You: Truth or dare

Stranger: Dare

You: Take the closest inanimate object

You: and take a comparing dickpic

You: send it to the first dude on snapchat lmao

Stranger: I’ll do the first two but I ain’t sending that to any dudes😂😂

You: hahahaha

Stranger: Damn, my dick is surprisingly big

You: Have to admit I haven't really played truth or dare before lmao

You: haha, what'd you compare it to?

Stranger: A pillow

You: pfffffffftttttttttttttttt

Stranger: Lmaooooo

You: Good on you 😂

You: Does your dick go in the vagina and out the mouth?

You: Sounded really long 😂

Stranger: I give her a good time, I don’t kill her😂

You: hahaha, I'm laughing so hard

You: So, what music do you like?

Stranger: All music

Stranger: Depends on my mood

Stranger: Truth or dare

You: Truuuth

Stranger: Hmmmmm

Stranger: What’re are you rn

You: What? What am I right now?

Stranger: Where*

You: A lonely, confused woman?

Stranger: Lmao, we’re both lonely. Twinning

You: Sadbois v_v

Stranger: I choose dare

You: hmm

You: If you have the number of the last person you slept them

You: Tell them you had a good time *winky winky*

Stranger: Ok😂😂

Stranger: You seem like a dope person, if only you didn’t live halfway across the world

You: Well damn, never gotten that compliment before

You: I am known of being the best wingman, so I guess I'm a bit dope

Stranger: Lmao, you could me my wingwoman

Stranger: Be

You: Like, it help being the ugly in the group!

Stranger: I bet you’re not ugly

You: I bet I was 😂

Stranger: You definitely have a better personality than all these fake girls I hook up with

You: Or at least in the latest situation, where this girl nonchalantly told my friend that he shouldn't be hanging with me 😂 And I just took my drink said have fun and left, I didn't even need to wing him, she caught the bait anyway

Stranger: Lmao, that’s me sometimes

Stranger: Truth or dare

You: I'm keeping it to truth really, I'm a bit unsettled with dare lmao

Stranger: You’ve dared me the craziest shit, I’ll dare you some low key shit

You: Oh boy 😂

Stranger: Dare?

You: Come at me, bro

You: Show me all you got

You: GGRRRRRRRR

Stranger: I dare you too...

Stranger: Hmmmmmm

Stranger: Take off all your clothes, go to the shower, and stand in it for thirty seconds under the coldest setting the water goes

You: hahaha, oh now

You: no*

You: That won't work here

You: The coldest isn't considered cold, it's like, lukewarm

You: I can stick my feet and hands in the freezer?

Stranger: No no no

Stranger: I may have a better one😂😂

You: Is lukewarm even a word... jees wat are engresh

Stranger: I dare you to grab do the same as said, except for the shower, and instead grab an ice cube and let it melt on your stomach for a minute😂😂

You: Youre talking to someone from Norway, I'mma do that shit with 4 cubes

Stranger: Bet

You: brb I guess

Stranger: Lmao, I’ll do it too

You: Wait, can I have it in a plastic bag?

You: Don't wanna have it spilling down my bed D:

Stranger: Nope, it’s gotta melt

You: man, fuck you

You: Fine, brb

Stranger: I just grabbed some ice cubes

Stranger: Alr, my clothes are off. You ready?

You: Jupp

You: I done it

You: And I take it back

You: It's suprisingly VERY cold 😂

Stranger: This is cold

Stranger: Shit mine is melting a little bit😂😂

You: Is it now I say shove it up your ass, son

You: 😂😂😂

Stranger: no😂😂😂

Stranger: Oh god, it’s falling towards my dick

You: I'm literally planking, that shit sliding nowhere

You: But I can bet my phone is gonna slide outta my hands and hit me in the collarbones

Stranger: Lmao, hold it tighter

Stranger: Damn, the water on the dick was t as bad as I thought it would be

Stranger: I took mine off

You: only 1 outta 4 has melted completely

Stranger: Your skin must be warm, damn

You: Not really, my doctor tend to say I got blue blood

You: But ought to think I'd be warmer

You: Taking long time to melt

Stranger: You should just take them off now

You: DARE IS A DARE! I whisper as I wipe it all away

You: What a wild ride really

You: 😂😂😂😂

Stranger: Lmao, I bet if we were together right now we’d have some better dares for each other

You: "Let's see who dies first" kinda dares really

You: "Yo catch" throws a fucking bag of nails and a hammer

Stranger: Lmao, idk about those kind of dares

You: I guess a dare ain't shit to me cause I'd do it anyway

You: Or well, I'm never downing 4 fireball shots under 1 minute

Stranger: I guarantee that if we were together rn we’d literally be racing to see which ice cube melts the fastest

You: It's important to learn from mistakes

You: hahaha, jupp

You: I would definately dare you to have you put it up your ass 😂

Stranger: If you did that then I would dare you to have it melt on your vagina😂😂

You: Guilty as charged, I've tried

Stranger: Really?!

You: It's just as bad as it sounds

You: Don't put it in the vagina

Stranger: Lmao, I dare you to put it on the vagina😂😂😂

You: Nope

You: Hell nah, sonny

You: I'm outta this game

You: 😂

Stranger: Damn, you’re dope

You: 😂😂😂😂

You: It's such an American expression, I find it kind of funny of you calling me it

Stranger: Dope is my thang. I’ll always be like “that sex was dope”

You: Yeah, it's equivalent to cool, rad, amazing etc I guess

Stranger: Yes it is

Stranger: I’m bored, you wanna get kinky?

You: Well, not-a-soccerboy

You: recommend some music

You: Nah, I ain't the kinky type

Stranger: Don’t you listen to Norwegian stuff though?

You: If you up to kinky, you rather skip me so I don't go waste your type honestly >_<

You: What do you mean with Norwegian stuff?

You: Most of them sing in English 😂

Stranger: Like, songs

Stranger: Ohhhhhh

Stranger: 😂

You: hmm, Breathe by SeeB is pretty cool

You: that song just finished playing

Stranger: Runaway by Kanye West

You: let's have a toast for the douche bags

Stranger: Best song

You: I remember being surprised when he released that song

You: Maybe one of the "not kanye" songs that are close to my heart

You: one of the few*

Stranger: Yo, I think I’m gonna take a nap before I have to go to football again, want my number so we can talk again?

You: Anonymity is a thrill for me, I rather not

You: I hope you enjoy your nap and prosper in football!

Stranger: Come onnnn, I wanna talk again

You: Nothing more, you better stick to that

Stranger: Ok

You: Snapchat? I don't do social media much

Stranger: Sure

You:  <<<

You: I'mma probably show up as 

You: Don't fret, I've got a vagina

Stranger: Ok

Stranger: I’ll add you

Stranger: Adios muchacho

You: l8ers

Stranger has disconnected.

[fmlfpl]

Lineup Lamentations - DGW24

Our Transfers, Captains, and Starting 11s for the week!

—

WALSH

TRANSFERS:

OUT: Vardy, Pereira, Dendoncker

IN (for -4 points hit): Haller, Gomez, Mahrez

Time to move it around and shake it up.

***Disclaimer though - I only did the defense move as of the time of this writing. I want to see if there is any news when I wake up but if not these will be my moves.***

After spending the rest of Sunday bugging out, broadly speaking, about what to do with Periera I decided after further consultation to just get Joemez. The money seemed like it was needed elsewhere and ultimately I didn't feel that the 1.2m was best spent in looking for VVD goals. As shouted on the pod..cheapest route into the clean has always generally a good rule of thumb to follow. After that is where my brain melted.

Obviously I was extremely hot in the pants for Mahrez...and I did the Joemez with half a mind to do Tony M to Mahrez the following day. Then I realized that there were so many more doors before my very eyes!

My 11th starter has been really problematic for quite a while...mainly since I brought Kun in and have all these cheap fucks at the edge of my squad. I will be on suicide watch when Vardz bangs against Wet Spam but ultimately he felt like someone I could do without given their difficult incoming fixtures. Turning him and a dead spot on my team into two real things feels very solid for the immediate term and will let me bench defenders with questionable fixtures who I otherwise would have had to start.

Haller is really just a Dings placeholder...and feels very fun in this moment. Didn't really look at him until Monday but he's low key been putting up good underlying stats recently. Sure the DGW are rough on paper fixtures but who knows....I want to feel alive. I owned him earlier in the season and I don't really remember it being that bad? Or it was so bad that I blacked it out of my memory. Who is to say for sure?

Dings has Palace and Livp these next two...with a shout to be rested tomorrow to boot. Haller has Brighton GW25 so it seems like a pretty low cost punt for these two to maybe get lucky. I'm backing my eye test of Leic looking fucked up and binning Vardz although I am fully aware of the risk here. Could end up being a catastrophe..he's still really highly owned...but if he does blank against West Ham I expect a fire sale ahead of their difficult run.

Mahrez in is just..so good. The feels are strong with him and I'm rolling triple City attack right now. We'll see if this has me fly or plummet.

GK:

Schmeichel (WHU)

Woodman god I hope Woodman is in the actual Prem soon I love him so much. He'll keep the spot warm for the long eight day gameweek while Kasper thinks about what he's done on the bench.

Fucking hate watching him..just sits on his fuckin line all game like DDG. Not expecting a clean at all this week.

DEF:

Finally only throwing three defenders out for the first time in what feels like maybe all fucking season. Dunno.

Alexander-Arnold & Gomez (wol, whu)

Back on double Livp defense after I conveniently got rid of Robbo right about exactly before they started their run of infinity cleans in a row like the genius that I am. Trent and Joemez in for the double..nothing really to say here.

Willians (BUR)

Alongside is another red - baby Will has a home banker against Burnley.

As long as they can keep their noses clean on set pieces a clean at home feels pretty good to me. Bwill can fucking chill and running up and down the wing against the likes of Hendrick or whoever the fuck will feel like a walk in the park compared to having to deal with Mo last game.

MID:

Salah (wol, whu)

Speaking of Mo, hi Mo. GLHF Mo.

Martial (BUR)

Tony M stays...I really had a hard time with him..but ultimately he's still playing up top and is now presumably on pens..for a sortakinda top six team.

I still feel like he'll trickle in points with goals here and there even though their fixtures are pretty mixed. Again, I still don't know what "good" fixtures look like for United nor do I expect to. As long as Martial is fit and starting he scores in this league. Looked good against Livp and has a home banker this GW. He stays.

Mahrez & De Bruyne (shu)

New boy Mahrez joins old friend ging god Kevin for the double up in mid on City.

Mahrez pretty sexy guy lately and it would've felt dirty to have been going so insane about him on the pod and not to buy him in my team. SheffU away is a rough fixture but the way he has been looking lately I back him to get points against anyone.

FWD:

Maupay (bou)

Neal..oh Neal. I don't even know anymore with Neal. Another good fixture but ugh he's been frustrating. Another almost goal at the end of the game for him this weekend I was having flashbacks to that Everton chance a few games ago. He's still sooo good eye test and build up and IRL stuff but it's just not there yet for FPL points. The team doesn't create a ton in open play and he's a concern. Fixtures turn soon so he's on borrowed time. Would be nice if he could put up one nice score before I bin him. At Edward is always a good time and place to start.

Agüero (shu)

Kun feels hard to drop right now but who knows what his fitness levels are like. Either way he's on song and is going nowhere.

Haller (lei, LIV)

Last guy is Sebby Haller. As mentioned earlier has been putting up very solid stats lately and really just rolling the dice here on the big man up top with two games this gameweek. Stranger things have happened and I'm going with the high ceiling play in the DGW.

TRIPLE CAP:

Salah (wol, whu)

Mo.

Derek, that sweet summer child, really just put me in my place on the pod when we discussed this topic. When he uses the triple cap he wants “to go for it.”

Simple words from a complex and cultured man.

Mo has hat trick potential every game he walks on the pitch.

Sure, Trent has a pretty high ceiling also...but assists from corners and goals usually from direct frees are hard to predict. Mo is Mo...it was always going to be Mo.

—

ALON

TRANSFERS:

OUT: Guilbert, Sarr, Jiménez

IN (for -4 points hit): Alexander-Arnold, Grealish, Haller

Fuck it man I don’t know.

I didn’t need to hit at all I’m doing it for pure fun with the chance of spiking something.

Guilbert and dead Sarr to Trent and Jack is very easy and obvious and good - I feel like I do not need to address those transfers at all.

Jim on the other hand my nemesis needed to be fucked off. I just can’t stand looking at him in my team at all anymore. He has home Liverpool same as Haller so basically cancels out there and then Haller has the additional fixture and the way better fixture next week too.

I might Wildcard next week but I don’t know, I’m living in the now and right now I want my big french love of life Haller to do some things.

Hitting while on a loss in the FML FPL Cup is probably very stupid but I am also probably definitely very stupid and bad at FPL... Don’t really know what I’m doing at this juncture and sorta don’t really care.

Come on Haller.

GK:

Ryan (bou)

Whatever fucking Mat with one T just cannot get it done anymore.

Cleans in GWs 1-15: 4

Bonus points in GWs 1-15: 11

Cleans since I got him GWs 16-23: 1

Bonus points in GWs 16-23: 0

Feels bad man.

DEF:

van Dijk & Alexander-Arnold (wol, whu)

Delightful double.

I called that VVDong on last week’s lambs which is cool. I wish this game was H-O-R-S-E rules and I got a bonus for calling my shot but alas it’s not and it’s horrible... Well Hammers and Wolves aren’t as bad as Man. Utd. at set piece defending but they’re not great either so maybe Virge will be in the mood again and propel me to the moon?

Trent needs no words.

Hoping for the double clean and anything else is a bonus boner.

Söyüncü (WHU)

Still very cleanable but is anything really cleanable for Leicester anymore? TBD.

Is this GW1 darling SoyBoy’s final game in my side? Possibly. And if I Wildcard then definitely.

So much TBD.

MID:

Salah (wol, whu)

Mo hitting some form. He looks great lately.

De Bruyne (shu)

We just hold Kev.

Maddison (WHU)

Another of my Leicester triple to be fucked off next week if I Wildcard and Maddo may still go even if I don’t Wildcard... he was flying for a while and then getting demolished by City and Liverpool back to back may have fucked this team up.

Grealish (WAT)

Lol @ Me shouting Jack for GW1 team and the not having the confidence or balls to actually do the thing.

Here we are it’s GW24 and I’m just getting him for the first time when he’s already bagged a few double digit hauls and over 100 points. Fucking Lol @ Me that’s my season in summary.

FWD:

Vardy (WHU)

One last hurrah? Another Fox another chopping block as far as I’m concerned.

It’s been not really a fun ride since everyone had Vardz and everyone capped Vardz almost every week so it’ll feel good to fuck him off soon.

Home Hammers come on go make a statement Leicester COME ONNNN.

Calvert-Lewin (NEW)

Backed the marriage of stats+eye-test and got paid for it with 8 points last week. Still love DCL for these next three fixtures NEW wat CRY - team looks pretty good and he looks good. Like the kid.

Haller (lei, LIV)

It’s a punt. Nothing more then that.

It’s also a stupid punt draining 4 points from my team but it’s 4 points I’m willing to gamble with clearly.

Maybe he does a thing. Ya never know. Leicester been the opposite of solid since the Ndidi injury and Liverpool I mean again - ya never know.

He’s class and his stats are great just need those to turn into some points come on Seb. 

Allons-y! Alonzo!

TRIPLE CAP:

Salah (wol, whu)

Ride together, die together.

We’ve always been Mo boys gotta say.

I don’t think either of us have owned Mane in actually years (the s makes it plural). It’s not smart but we’re just Mo boys I don’t know what else to say. Did you see his bod? I mean...

Pens and form and eye-test and maybe it’ll be a 4231 with him up top vs. Wolves like it was last time which would also be great for us.

The machine... go on... it’s fucking time...

Got some catching up to do in the Golden Boot race too.

It has to start somewhere. It has to start sometime. What better place than here? What better time than now? All, hell, can’t stop us now.

—

NOT RANDOM SLACKER OF THE WEEK: Barik G9

The words of Random Slacker are not officially endorsed by this website nor any employees of FML FPL LLC.

TRANSFERS:

OUT: Abraham & Hayden

IN: Greenwood & Moura

Time to stop being a passive little bitch and spend the transfer I've been floating since I WC'd in GW13.

I suppose I haven't had too many fires to put out considering I've been floating for actual 10 GWs, but Tamela looking like a ball-fumbling fuck and the death of Marcus Rashford (F) is enough to push me into a new 3-5-2 formation for the first time this season.

Is 90% of the reason I'm getting Lucash because I'm a Mou fanboy? I sink so. I like the 7.1 for a forward shout, even on a team looking diabolical. After all, I have Tony too, don't I?

Wait, do I have 5 strikers now? Seems good.

GK:

Ryan (bou)

Ryan has been pretty awful since Alon killed him by bringing him in, but let's see how he gets on against a relegation zone Bournemouth.

I've stopped expecting cleans from him altogether, how about some saves pls? Kill for a 4 pointer from the 3 point merchant.

DEF:

Stephens (cry)

I got on the Stephens train last week and now I'm giving him the start ahead of Soyboy amidst a horrific Leicester team that can't defend for its life without Ndidi. Go on, Jack. Clean against Woy's boys one time.

Gomez & Alexander-Arnold (wol, whu)

The double festivities begin.

It's hilarious to watch people trip themselves over whether Gomez is a good pick, worrying about his place in the team when he's getting points for fun. Was said on the pod this season that sometimes people go into "wait and see" mode when they should be getting the player in and squeezing the points while they can. Is 5.2 for a player that cleans every week good?

He's nailed and first choice alongside VVD until proven otherwise.

As we say in the South, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

*laughs in clean sheet points*

And what can I say about Trent? He assists like a midfielder with the right foot of a forward and the clean sheet points of a defender.

Trent is a god and if you don't own him you probably enjoy watching other people do your partner.

MID:

Mane (wol, whu)

Do I wish this said Mo instead of Mane? Perhaps.

Do I want to be like my ML rival schmuck who's spent 4 (FOUR) transfers this year switching between Mo and Mane like a coked up fiend? Absolutely not.

While I reckon Mo is the slightly better pick right now based on pens and my personal eye test, that only happened recently.

Mane has been on another level for a while now and I expect them to keep trading points throughout the upcoming amazing run.

Go on Sadio, double gameweek me into glory.

De Bruyne & Mahrez (shu)

Goddammit, as I type this why are all of my players away?

Our resident ginger goes to one of the toughest places in the league. Hopefully he'll do some Kev magic to break them down and not play DM.

And sometimes in life the stars just align perfectly, like transferring in Algerian legend Riyad right before he hauls for a 17 pointer and cuts my rank in half.

Shoutout to my boy Al on Slack who followed me on the punt that everyone wants to take now.

Even though he got a 1 pointer last week, he's still averaging 9 in my team if my math is correct, is that good?

I'm happy to own Mahrez for at least a few more, because truth be told he's even a shout to return off the bench when he doesn't start. It's happened before this season and it could happen again.

Stats are through the roof and eye test off the charts.

C'mon Mahrez, do the best you can under Fraudiola's audacity to ever bench you.

Martial (BUR)

I finally get to write about a home fixture and it's Manchester United. Fuck.

I'm not in the soothsayer game, so I'm not gonna try and predict how they look without Rash.

Instead, I'm just gonna hope that Tony keeps Tony'ing which means constantly dancing in and around the box like the beautiful French boy he is when fit.

I still believe.

Moura (NOR)

Finally, a home banker.

Queue Tottenham lose 1-0 and Mourinho blames the color of the match ball.

Hoping Norwich get absolutely duon (if Spurs 2.0 without Kane are even capable of such a thing) and Lucas is in and around the points. Doesn't get much better than this fixture wise.

FWD:

Vardy (WHU)

Still a steady hold for me until it's absolutely obvious to get rid.

Bring your vodka and your charlie because WHU are diabolical.

Ings (cry)

3 blanks from 11 starts in my side.

How much trouble will I be in if I name my first born Daniel?

What was at first going to be a ride-the-fixtures absolute punt is now easily a season long hold. Just knocked on wood so he can stay fit all season and keep ticking along.

TRIPLE CAP:

Alexander-Arnold (wol, whu)

The novelty of triple captaining a defender was too much to resist. When will this ever happen again? A defender is actually explosive enough to TC, playing for one of the best teams in PL history, with 2 good fixtures in a double gameweek and a 6 day break. Perfect storm.

This isn't just any defender, it's a guy who starts every game with a base score of 6 + any assists/dongs he gets. With 13 returns on the season, he gets a lot.

If City had this double and Trent played for them exactly the same way, perhaps I'd TC my City attackers. They're a relentless attack that wants the sixth when they're up 5-0, whereas Livp are content with turning cruise control on when they're up a goal or two. For those reasons, and the clean sheet potential, I personally see more upside going for Trent than Mane.

Here's the worst-average-best case scenario I envision:

Worst case: 8 points from a clean and blank. Surely they clean once at least, right?

8 x 3 = 24.

Not ideal.

Average case: ~12 points from two cleans or a blank and a double return game.

12 x 3 = 36.

Respectable.

Best case: Fuck me x 3 = triple fuck me.

Flying.

Feels weird to be putting my faith in someone even younger than me but here we are, I'm TC'ing a defender, and now it's on lambs which means no going back.

I've never felt more alive.