#and Raphael's final act *chefs kiss*

[umbracirrus]

Why is the Baldur's Gate 3 soundtrack so good-?!?!?

[waterbearable]

YALL i need to excitedly ramble abt the house of hope under the cut

god DAMN god damn what a fight holy shit!!!!! like. what a perfect fuckin way to cap all my shit off before endgame. i think a lot of the lead-up with stealing the hammer was also pretty fuckin great (i went in largely unspoiled outside of the understanding that Raphael is a Boss and He Sings Or Something). i love hope with all my fucking soul and i was not expecting her to be there and such an integral part. i'll have to see if i can take a diff approach w haarlep next time bc i did just kill him askldjfasjf, but once i stole the hammer it actually felt fuckin tense and stressful! like an ongoing escape! my party comp was wink+laezel+astarion+karlach which i think was a RIDICULOUS advantage for me. split the party for the actual hammer-stealing so astarion was the one to pick it up and RUN(fly) out of there. the fucking HELLFIRE BALLS. TERRIFYING TO DEAL WITH. you realize that 'hm there's no point to getting stuck fighting here' so you just run!!!

alright the actual raphael fight. fucking the boss music is so. so good. it's deeply satisfying to finally get to kill this motherfucker. i could tell that the fight was Hard but i think i went in w a smart party comp for once/got EXTREMELY lucky by convincing yurgir to fight with the group (yurgir's not exactly the hardest hitter when he's supporting you but damn, can't imagine having to fight him and all the other cambions that pop up). the soul pillars were cool and i think i was equipped to Deal with them after experiencing how the cazador fight worked? but honestly i was expecting to TPK a few times before finally getting it, and that didn't happen :0 like i think i have underestimated previously the sheer hitting power of a very martial group, even though i didn't get any bonus fire dmg from karlach. i did however get to make her a Fuckin Giant (went through the ansur fight so i got the giantslayer greatsword. chefs kiss.) just slicing her way through shit. tbh tho lae'zel remains mvp, she's not as much of a tank as karlach but the way i've specced her she gets more chances to hit than karlach and hits almost as hard. astarion continues to be my special guy for staying the Fuc out the way and sniping.

wink didn't get to do a lot of flashy shit, in part bc of how i've built them i think? they're mainly useful for AOE,psychic dmg, and condition-altering, but cloudkill wasn't really useful w how much close up fighting needed to be done. BUT i think they were deeply necessary to keep a TPK from happening--i mostly just had them using eldritch blast to focus on the pillars and leaving all their spell slots to counterspell raphael's incinerates/other nasty spells. tbh, it worked most of the time! wink also has psionic backlash which comes in Clutch (raphael's actual final attack was some fuckin hellfire 6th level bullshit that downed lae'zel once it hit and had a wide aoe, but bc i'd whittled him down low enough psionic backlash as a reaction was enough for his attack to insta-doom him) (sidenote: didn't do it here but i also love having 2 party members w counterspell+one that has psionic backlash bc you can cancel the spell AND punish them for casting it buahahaha)

hellfire is a FUCK and i think that raphael has some really powerful attacks that had i brought a diff party comp/had a diff tav the party would have been very wiped multiple times. i would LOVE to play this fight in tactician/honor mode bc while i could tell this was meant to be a challenge and while i will aBSOLUTELY leave it for last every time, i don't think it was the hardest fight i've had in act 3! fighting cazador was pretty rough tbh (and viconia but that was mostly due to how many motherfuckers were in that room).

(related sidenote: they don't actually need to do anything about this but i think. something could be done to make gortash seem a more formidable foe--or maybe that's the point, that he's a politics guy with widespread power rather than being a deeply powerful being himself. idk it's been a bit since i fought him but i would not consider his battle particularly difficult, at least when i hit it, i don't think i had even hit lvl 12 at that point. like i think from a challenge standpoint at minimum orin holds her own alongside the other late-stage bosses in a way that gort...doesn't, to me? the steel watch are Scary to deal with when hostile but idk. i'll have to think about it. if he's not as mechanically terror-inducing then he really should have an additional more roleplay/discovery focused quest that's hard to just High Persuasion your way out of.)

[rosewoodconch]

RWCH Readathon: Day 24

Princess in Practice - Chapter 20

JAMIE POV

Jamie my dude i get thar, i read stuff without taking it in constantly

HE KEPT THE BOOK YALL I REPEAT HE KEPT THE BOOK

I like that Jamie took Shakespeare with Raphael and Percy

His favourite is English after all

The fact that jamie knows he's being unfair to them, but he cannot be honest fully with them is so painful. Hes not allowed friends 😭

The line that Raphael asks jamie about, echoing what Claude uses to manipulate Jamie into joining Leviathan is *chefs kiss*

Also the acknowledgement that Percy is sleep walking but hat also impacts Jamie, and is maming him less focused, more grumpy etc is good

We finally get to see how affected Jamie is by Lottie being kidnapped too and its really interesting

How she was terrified for lottie, unable to do anything, how hes second guessing everything now

Raphael is wonderful. Hes so cheery until hes yet again hurt and upset

Really though

Whats the harm in telling him at least about saskia. Maybe not the portman thing BUT LIKE THE REST OF ITS NOT TOO BAD

Jamie just knows binah knows everything

I wish we got to see more of the interaction between Jamie and Binah

Because Binah really genuinely is quite scary, shes just a normal rosewood student, and yet she has figured out EVERYTHING

The fact that theres a GAGGING ORDER is scary but yeah its a serious situation

Poor jamie needs to figure out what the fuck to do here

Hes not prepared for this

Binah using the puzzles to tell them instead of just outright telling them is so wonderful bit cmon binah i need you to be more direct sometimes

No cause jamies right

Hes being awful about it

But hes right

Its putting everyone in more and more danger

"Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now, is time to understand more so that we can fear less." I love love this quote from Marie Curie and always have and i adore that Binah references it

We used to be best friends...

I NEED A PREQUEL CONNIE I BEG YOU

I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED IN DETAIL

I can just see this in an animated tv show, the wispy snakes of her story acting out what happened

Leviathan targetting partizans makes the threat so much more scary than before

SECRET TUNNELS

SECRET TUNNELS

Poor jamie

I want to hug him

Binah is so so so excited shes the best i love her

Jamie accepting Binahs help and her immediately info dumping even more on this poor boy. Girl give him 5 minutes to adjust

Also just the whole exchange from the christmas party about how Ellie thought Ani would poison people... well it wasnt ani but it mightve been saskia

[xxnashiraxx]

BG3 TAG GAME ✨⚔️

Thank you thank you @verbenaa for tagging me in this!! I have been away from tumblr for a bit so my apologies for the delay!! 👉👈

Favorite Romance: It's the vampire. It's always gonna be the vampire. Funny thing about me- so I knew of Astarion before playing the game this January. One of our friends tried to convince my husband and I to play with him when it first came out in August but I was deep in my Fairy Tail writing project/multichapter story (of which has now been indefinitely postponed because of this game, 💔, but come July I will be insufferable when 100 Year Quest comes out, so stay tuned). I saw that there was a vampire elf in the game (cue my Thranduil crush and my Twilight/vamp obsession since childhood) and I instantly fell in love but didn't get fully immersed until my husband got the game in late December and seeing him interacting with the characters completely sold me.

Favorite Class to Play: I am still on my first playthrough! Going 5 months strong, thank you patch 6 for destroying my two playthroughs 💖 But I selected Durge first and went with the default Sorcerer and I absolutely LOVE it. I have a few Act 1 and 2 side campaigns with my husband playing cleric, rogue, and ranger, but by far Sorcerer is my favorite as well as Fighter. Planning on playing that class at some point because Lae'zel is just *chefs kiss*. 🤏

Favorite NPC: I love Alfira and all the tieflings so much, but specifically I love Rolan and Bex. I felt genuinely sad when meeting Bex again in Act 2, and I had to help her no matter what. Rolan started off as really nothing but a self centered jerk in my mind, but once I found him in Act 3, I just absolutely fell for him. 💗 I would also like to make a mention of Dame Aylin- she's the most beautiful angel I've ever seen and I would die for her.

Favorite Song Off the Soundtrack: The Power with lyrics. It is so surreal. My other frequently played are I Want to Live (obvi), Raphael's Final Act, and Song of Balduran (the one that ruined the only secret I hadn't managed to spoil for myself most likely hours before I discovered it on my own!). They all go so hard.

Tell Us a Little About Your Tav: My first and only so far is my Durge, the original Ofelia (not associated with my WIP fic). 💗 Once I finally started my own campaign (a few days after getting the game and starting to play with my group) I immediately chose that as one of my friend's chose Durge in our shared campaign and the character really interested me. She's a human storm sorcerer- I know sorcerer is the default for Durge and I kinda went with it, but I specifically chose this set up partly because of one of my favorite fic's main characters! Her backstory is super muddy, but she fiercely loves her friends and Astarion. 💗 She'd die for any of them, wishes she and Orin weren't enemies, and resists her father's influence as hard as she can. She's hot headed and wont take shit from anyone.

Something You Wish Was in the Game: I would actually love more voiced dialogue for Tav/Durge! I know it makes the game more immersive, but it would be super cool to see 💗

Do You Create Fanworks? Share Something With Us: I do! I like to draw and write, I've not created a ton of content so far, but I really like this Astarion art I've done

and I'm creating a multi-chapter story for my original character: it's an isekai where a woman from Earth/the modern world gets transported to BG3! The game isn't a thing on her Earth, so Faerun is canon in that universe lol. I'm actually really excited for it! I hope to start posting it soon- once I've hit Act 2 I will definitely start. I suffer from the condition of "not finishing fics" or at least I did years ago, but I am putting that behind me now and I'm going to trust myself and begin to post once I've cleared the first act 💕 Here's a little teaser for the opening of the first chapter!

An eerie quiet moves through the streets, cars fewer and farther between than normal. An unsettling feeling crawls over Ofelia’s skin and she shrugs her coat closer to her body, warding the night air off as she turns down a familiar alley. Her tiny apartment’s window glints at the end of the shadowed corridor and she grins, reaching into her pack to step back into her roller blades. This last stretch has always been the most fun, and perhaps it’s the trepidation hanging in the night, but a smile and some exhilaration seems like the perfect medicine. She just has to get home, kick start her weekend with a cocktail and a good book, and tomorrow she’ll finally be able to adopt the cat of her dreams.

With the last lace tied, she secures her skirt and hunches over, preparing to rocket down the alleyway. She feels her muscles tense, sets her jaw- prepares to beat her personal best. She can taste the moisture in the air and the warning of the impending storm approaching, feels it in her bones as she mentally counts down.

3… 2… 1…

She never moves. Something flickers out of the corner of her eye, large and black and hulking in the night. It roils and undulates in the sky above the city, sweeping over the buildings like a dark tidal wave. She doesn’t have time to scream when the mass careens towards her, doesn’t have time to raise her arms in defense of a hit that never comes. She’s only greeted with total black as her world spins out of control and she falls unconscious.

No pressure tag! @preciouslittlebhaalbae (if you haven't done one already!)

BG3 TAG GAME ✨⚔️

thank you so much to my wonderful and talented friend @khywren for tagging me in this 💖💞! I had so much fun doing this, even if it took me like three days to get to 😅

Favorite romance: in my Astarion era 💅 but in all seriousness, Astarion's character arc is very important to me in a variety of ways and has been a very cathartic to experience as someone who was lucky enough to escape an abusive relationship in my past.

Favorite class to play: I love bards because of the versatility! But on my next run I'm going to do a druid 🍃

Favorite NPC: This is soooo tough because I think there is so many amazing characters in this game, but I really like all the wild shit that Raphael AND Gortash have going on. There's a lot to dig into with both of those guys, they're so fucked lol

Favorite song off the soundtrack: ooooh this is so hard, there's so many good ones but I really love 'I Want To Live', both versions! Also props to Raphael's Final Act for obvious reasons.

Tell us a little about your Tav: Rin is my chaotic sword bard baby who isn't actually that great a being a bard and better instead with stabbing things (we love a relatable queen?). She's a little flippant, a little silly, sometimes clever, and lives in my head rent free.

Something you wish was in the game: I am echoing many other people when I say that I wish there was more content for Wyll. I think it's such a crime that he was deprived of a full character arc! I am also endlessly frustrated that he is not given an option to decide for himself (like Shadowheart was) regarding whether to break his pact with Mizora. I spent a full 30 minutes in debate with my husband over this choice in my first run and was so frustrated with this fact and honestly either decision feels like a raw deal.

Do you create fanworks? Share something with us: I do! I am currently busy writing Astarion/Tav and Astarion/Reader fanfiction. to eden is my current baby, and one I've poured a lot of time into and that I'm proud of. I'll also never stop being proud of my very first fic air so deep and sweet, as I really leapt off the ledge and dove headfirst into something I was so deeply insecure about but ended up paying off in the end and has literally changed my life in regards to how I now see myself 💖

no pressure tags: @elinorbard @ladyduellist and @xxnashiraxx if you want to join in, no worries if not 💞!

[webrokethe4thwall]

Can you write a Fanfic where Rupert Swaggart finds his own brooch and gets his live back?

Sorry for the wait @the-deku-guy, but here’s your request!

Brooches before Swine

A large man adjusted his trench coat and fedora as he scanned the stalls of the jewelers’ black market. He was not searching for your standard silver necklace or ruby ring, but a brooch. Specifically, a cloaking brooch. Meat Sweats was once again on the hunt for a mystic cloaking brooch. However, even now as he looked over the charms laid out on the table, his hopes plummeted. Several brooches, ranging from simple to ornate to tacky, were lined up, but none of them were mystic.

He had been through all of the black market stalls, antique malls, and even online auction halls. Each location yielded the same result: nothing. The former celebrity chef released a frustrated groan. He had been so close to reclaiming his old life with the last brooch he had found here. If only those two pesky girls—the curly-headed one and the slime-ball—hadn’t stolen it from him and ruined his plans!

And to add insult to injury, they had trapped him in that backwater barbeque studio. Did those amateurs not understand how to properly prepare meat before cooking it?!

“Rubbish, pitchfork-wielding hicks,” Meat Sweats grumbled, stalking away from the broach district. “Don’t know the difference between brine and a bay leaf.”

Regardless of the past, Meat Sweats was determined to regain his fame, his cooking show, and his previous life as Rupert Swaggart. Nothing and no one was going to stop him! …Well, except for his lack of a human appearance. Meat Sweats continued to mutter under his breath. He had seen other mutants—pardon, yokai—with cloaking brooches. Why was he unable to find one? Maybe there was a recall for some kind of mystical enhancement.

“One moment,” Meat Sweats grunted. “A memory stirs.”

He put a fist to his chin as he thought of a past conversation. It had been a few weeks ago with a tiny worm mutant whose name completely slipped his mind. The fellow had said he purchased a mystical enhancement jewel from some mystic shop disguised as a secondhand corner store.

“If that’s the case,” Meat Sweats mused, “perchance a visit is in order.”

That very night, the pig mutant went to the corner store. He pulled his clothes tight to his frame upon entering the store. He didn’t much care if he looked suspicious; he just didn’t want the police called on him tonight. The first thing Meat Sweats saw was some skinny greasy guy standing behind the counter. This fellow must’ve been the cloaked yokai. Meat Sweats took in the man’s lackluster appearance, baseball cap, and vague scent of chevon. After taking a moment to size each other up, the mutated chef decided to break the silence first.

“I heard that you sell delectable jewelry in this establishment,” Meat Sweats said.

“Oh, we sell all kinds of things here,” the man stated. “Lamps, dolls, and toasters to name a few; but yeah, jewelry is in the mix. The name’s Clem!” He gave Meat Sweats a lazy onceover. “You, uh, looking for something particular, friend? Nudge, nudge.”

“Nudge, nudge?” Meat Sweats asked. “It’s ‘wink, wink,’ matey.” What a peculiar character.

“Clem, get your act together!” The man shook his head in self-deprecation. Giving the password away again because he forgot an idiom. How embarrassing!

Before Meat Sweats could fake curiosity over what Clem meant, the man began shedding his disguise. The now purple goat yokai rang the bell on the counter, revealing hidden compartments in the displays that contained his mystical wares. Clem spread his arms out, showcasing the jewelry on his shelves.

“You said you’re looking for jewelry,” he droned. “What kind?”

“Cloaking brooch,” Meat Sweats stated, tearing away his trench coat. “Can’t really go on live television looking like this, now can I?”

“Wouldn’t really recommend it, no,” Clem said after a low whistle. “I’ve got just the thing.”

He knelt down behind the counter and pulled up a tray laden with stunning brooches. Clem plucked one up and handed it to the pig mutant. Meat Sweats turned it in his metal hands, admiring the star-shaped silver with a shining pink pearl in its center. He pinned the brooch to his collar and gave it a little shine. Soon his body was wrapped up in the soft pink glow of the mystical cloaking energy. Meat Sweats looked at himself in the counter’s shiny surface. It was perfect.

“All kinds of handsome is me once again,” Meat Sweats, now Rupert Swaggart, grinned.

With a wink and kiss sent to his reflection, Rupert threw a few bills at Clem. He had no appetite for goat yokai shopkeepers at the moment. No, it was time for Rupert to reclaim his previous life in full.

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A few nights later, Mikey upped the volume on his kitchen television. It was time for Kondescending Kitchen, and he was determined to make the perfect risotto!

“Are you ready to unleash the flavor?!”

Mikey came to an abrupt halt. That voice…it couldn’t be! He focused fully on the television. Meat Sweats, disguised as Rupert Swaggart, stood front and center for a cheering audience. Not good.

“Guys,” the box turtle yelled, already reaching for his kusari-fundo, “we’ve got a problem!”

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Rupert left the stage with the sound of the audience’s queued cheers pouring into his ears. He smirked to himself as he entered his dressing room. It was quite refreshing to hear after months of absence from his television career. The station manager even said that she was going to schedule an interview about his dramatic transformations and his unexpected final return. Yes, his cloaking brooch shining brilliantly on his apron was working greatly in his favor. The chef grinned as he picked up the night’s winning dish: pork risotto.

“Time to savor my victory,” Rupert hummed contentedly.

“Not a chance, Meat Sweats!”

One yellow and four green blurs swept into Rupert’s vision. No, not these reptilian nuisances and that ruinous girl! While Rupert hadn’t done anything more than reclaim his television program from an undeserving rival, Meat Sweats should’ve known that these pains in his tendrils would catch wind of his return.

“Not you rotten eggs!” Meat Sweats snarled, ditching his disguise in favor of his more combat-ready pig mutant appearance.

“You know it!” April defiantly retorted. “Which poor yokai did you steal this brooch from?!”

Now Meat Sweats was genuinely confused.  He was also annoyed, but he had some modicum of integrity. He never stole the brooch. He didn’t even steal the first one! He bought both pieces fair and square. Granted his newest item was from a slightly more legitimate business. Nevertheless, why are these pests coming after him tonight?! He hadn’t even attempted to eat or poison anyone recently!

Before Meat Sweats could state his innocence, the fight was on. Raphael and Donatello charged him head on, while Leonardo and Michelangelo went for his sides. Meat Sweats easily knocked all four of them back with a swing of his meat tenderizer. He nearly missed April reaching for his rose gold cloaking brooch.

“Hands off!” Meat Sweats roared, stepping away from the girl and raising a protective hand over the shining pearl. “This is me own brooch!”

“Oh, yeah?” Mikey challenged. “Show us the receipt then!”

Meat Sweats, fed up with these annoying teenagers that always seemed to pop up in his life, shoved the seedy secondhand shop’s receipt into the smallest turtle’s face. The turtles and girl clearly didn’t expect this response. All fighting stopped, and it appeared the children were taking a moment to process the strip of paper between the pig mutant’s gloved fingers.

“Satisfied?!” Meat Sweats demanded.

“Wait,” Raph said in disbelief. “You actually, legitimately bought a cloaking brooch?”

“How much does one go for?” Donnie asked, squinting at the too small smudged numbers.

“Enough to get the job done,” Meat Sweats stated, stuffing the receipt back into his pocket. “Now, leave me be before I cook you all into turtle soup!”

“Not so fast,” Leo said. “Why do you need a cloaking brooch anyway. You’ve just been trying to eat and poison people this entire time. Did you want to do that when you were human, too, or is it a pig thing?”

Meat Sweats sighed in exasperation. Maybe he should’ve just let the fighting go on until either he passed out or they ran off. It was too late to find out, in any case. Now he had to converse with, ugh, teenagers about his rather tame plans and not-so-tame eating habits.

“Pig thing,” Meat Sweats stated shortly. He rubbed his cloaking brooch and reactivated his human façade. “I’m taking back what’s mine with this brooch. My show, my fame, and my life need my human face. I’m not about to let some mediocre fry cook take over my kitchen!”

The so-called chef the station had replaced him with was barely out of culinary school his skills were so dull. It boiled Meat Sweats’ blood. Whether those pesky teenagers liked it or not, Rupert Swaggart was making a comeback. Kondescending Kitchen needed him! Meat Sweats just needed a human face to rescue it. While some people were accepting of mutants or cosplay junkies, the public eye required a certain degree of discretion.

“How do we know you’re telling the truth?” April asked. She gave Rupert a distrustful once over.

“Not a problem!” Mikey interjected. He slid himself between his siblings and the returned celebrity chef. “We’ll just enroll him into my Evil League of Mutants Going Good Rehabilitation Program!”

“His what?” Rupert asked, baffled by whatever the exuberant turtle was rambling about.

“It is Michael’s method of transforming our enemies into allies,” Donnie drawled. “It has been showing promising results for Draxum. Though there may be a learning curve.”

“Yeah,” Leo reluctantly agreed, “but Draxum’s the only one that Mikey has worked with so far. How do we know it’ll work on this guy?”

“That’s easy,” Raph stated, fully confident in his baby brother. “Since we know that Mikey’s program worked on one of the worst people we know, we’ll help him with setting Meat Sweats on the right path.”

“And keep Mikey from getting star-struck,” April muttered, eying the way Mikey fawned over the sweaty chef.

Rupert rolled his eyes. What is wrong with these kids?! Were they seriously discussing the future of his moral status in front of him? He didn’t need to put up with this!

“Don’t I get any say in this?” Rupert demanded.

“No!”

All the teenagers glared at him, except for the orange clad turtle who had stars in his eyes. The audacity!

“Rubbish,” Rupert grunted.

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For weeks, Meat Sweats was under the unnervingly close surveillance of the Mad Dogs. A ridiculously unsuitable name for those five obnoxious kids. He despised how involved they forced themselves to be in his life. Telling him what to do and what not to do. It was annoying! Don’t eat the mutant silverfish this, and don’t sabotage your culinary rivals that. He was sick of it and was very vocal about his displeasure.

However, the teens didn’t seem to care nor let up in their efforts to conform him to the moral high ground. The chef didn’t know if reclaiming his glory was worth the hassle. At least he didn’t have to waste energy tenderizing their bones anymore. Michelangelo even had a realistic view of his character in spite of his fanboy attitude towards Rupert Swaggart.

The box turtle never expected him to become 100% kindhearted, if he ever became nice at all. However, Mikey did put limits on Meat Sweats and made him stick to some simple moral codes. Rupert just wanted to get his status as “Most Pretentious Chef in New York” back on track. Unfortunately, the youngest turtle did not allow him to perform any of his deliciously underhanded tricks on his competition.

“Meat Sweats!” Mikey admonished. He had just caught the reforming chef about to pour mystic poison into his delightful pizza puffs. Again. “What are we supposed to do with our culinary competition?!”

Meat Sweats released an annoyed grunt. He was getting tired of repeating his supposed mentor’s lessons, but it was mildly better than the intermittent fighting they used to go through.

“Out-serve them with quality meals, not quality poison,” Rupert droned. It was verbatim from one of Chef Mikey’s many “Maintaining Healthy Competition” lectures.

“Exactly,” Mikey said in a condescendingly sweet tone. He took the poison from Meat Sweats’ grip and yeeted it into the distance. “Now put on Rupert Swaggart, and let’s make filet mignon!”

Meat Sweats rolled his eyes at the young turtle’s antics but went along with it. Michelangelo was a decent enough chef for his age, proving his potential by the way he prepared that salmon when two drooling snakes were baring down on them. Rupert Swaggart activated his cloaking brooch and picked up a knife. He may as well humor Mikey with an attempt to mature his talent.

“Not a bad idea, lad,” Rupert agreed. “Filet mignon with roasted asparagus and,” he smirked, “truffles.”

Mikey’s eye twitched at the traumatic memory. “Not funny, sweat sock.”

Meat Sweats laughed uproariously, and even harder still when he saw Mikey’s annoyance growing. It was fun messing with this one. No matter what the chef threw his way, the young turtle always bounced back with an even snarkier reply. He might make a Kondescending Chef out of the boy yet. With no further preamble, the two mutants proceeded to craft a fine meal of filet mignon over roasted asparagus drizzled with mushroom sauce.

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A month later, Rupert’s program established itself as the most popular food-related show on television once again. Crimes related to a food truck driven by a pig mutant plummeted as the celebrity chef made more public appearances. He had finally achieved his goal. Now Meat Sweats could kick back in his apartment, resting in his easy chair, and let the adulation from his fans inflate his ego, and his wallet, once more. A loud knock on his door broke him out of the moment, and the door being kicked open entirely had the pig mutant falling out of his chair.

“What in blazes?!” Meat Sweats shouted, quickly activating his cloaking brooch.

“Sorry for the door,” April cheered, giving no sign of remorse at all. “But I come baring gifts, and they’re heavy!”

April lifted several plastic bags filled with groceries. Rupert gave the girl an annoyed glare. He got up from the floor, set his door back into place minimal effort, and stared his “visitor” down. The chef didn’t know why she was in his home without her turtle friends, but he did catch the delightful aroma of raw meat, seasonings, and vegetables wafting from the bags in her hands. April immediately went to the kitchen and dumped a few wrapped lamb chops, fresh artichokes, a jar of capers, and several other ingredients onto the countertop.

“What are you doing, girlie?” Meat Sweats asked, dropping his disguise.

He was well used to the turtles’ surprise visits, but they always came in through the window or a portal into the living room. April rarely came by herself, so the chef had yet to learn her favored way of barging in.

“Setting up an apology,” April replied, organizing the meat, spices, and other ingredients.

“A what?” Meat Sweats was taken aback. This teen had been screwing up his life for months. Why was she apologizing now? What was she apologizing for?!

“You’ve been doing pretty good since you got that cloaking broach and went into Mikey’s rehab program,” April snickered. She rubbed the back of her neck sheepishly. “And I started feeling kinda bad about trapping you in the ‘Sauce That Hog’ studio.” Meat Sweats frowned deeply at the memory, and April had the sense to move on to the ingredients on the counter. “So I brought over all the ingredients for fancy lamb chops.” She waved the bag of artichokes enticingly. “Including some mystic artichokes fresh from the Hidden City.”

Meat Sweats snorted at the attempt to woo his culinary pallet. He may not spend much time with the girl, but he knew April could kiss up to anyone’s better nature once she found their Kryptonite. His was fairly obvious, and the chef took great pride in flaunting his cooking skills.

“So you thought that catering to me superior culinary taste with mystic produce and corner store mutton would make up for that torment?” He wasn’t going to let April off that easily though.

“It’s actually hogget from my cousin’s farm,” April corrected. “She raises the best meat livestock I’ve ever tasted, so I thought you might like to try it.”

“No kidding?” Meat Sweats, surprised that April knew different types of lamb meat, looked at the wrapped meats inquisitively.

“It’s sheep meat,” April smirked, “not goat.”

“Why must you pun like the blue one?” Meat Sweats grumbled. “Just give me the ingredients and watch me—”

“Unleash the flavor!” The mutant and teenager chorused.

Meat Sweats wasn’t expecting that either. He gave April an odd look. Mikey was his fanboy, so what was her excuse? April just grinned.

“Mikey got me to watch a few episodes from his favorite seasons of Kondescending Kitchen,” she explained. “What can I say? It’s a catchy line.”

“Yes, well,” Meat Sweats countered, “it’s my line.” He knows it was a lame comeback, but he really didn’t know how to respond. One minute he and these kids are at each other’s throats, the next he’s cooking filet mignon and lamb chops with them. He shakes his head and gestures to the other side of the sink. “Hand me my knife block. I want to chop up these artichokes for a marinade.”

“Yes, Chef,” April saluted.

“Cheeky girl,” Meat Sweats commented.

He and April made a delightful set of lamb chops topped with marinated artichokes and seasoned capers. The chef figured that if the return of Rupert Swaggart meant being badgered by those annoying Mad Dogs, then there are worse fates he could have been forced to endure. They weren’t as awful as he dreaded. If he didn’t enjoy being a jerk so much, he may have been tempted to even call them his friends. He still might. Just not when they were around. He had an image to maintain after all.

[sinfulspencer]

what's your favourite episodes of criminal minds and why?

I have a bunch of them actually.

There are probably spoilers so... read it at your own risk!!

1. Zugzwang (8x12) Even though I hated the Maeve storyline, this episode was just amazing. Let's forget about the plot for a second: can we please talk about the final scene where Spencer stares blankly at Maeve while she literally dies???? That broke my heart, I'm still shook about it.

2. Red Light (12x22) I love Cat Adam's character. She was beautifully written and she's definitely my favorite unsub (along with Mr.Scratch) so this episode was just perfect for me. It pained me to see Spencer so shocked and overwhelmed because it was a stressful situation - and you could see how it affected him, which broke my heart because he was already overwhelmed by the whole prison arc. But I loved how in her delusion, she imagined Spencer being attracted to her (or at least I think it was her delusion). Remember the scene where she stands up from the table and he bites his lip staring back at her? Oof, that was hot. Also Lindsay was amazing in the episode, just perfect.

3. Mosley lane (5x16) No need to explain. This whole episode was fucked up but God, it was amazing and so well written/directed. Evan Peters owns my heart by the way.

4. A beautiful disaster (11x18) Another masterpiece. Even though I didn't like the way Morgan left, I loved this episode - especially the final scenes, where Morgan says goodbye to Penelope and Spencer. Those scene broke my heart, stomped on it and spit on it because they were just so heartbreaking and so fucking sweet. HANK SPENCER MORGAN?????? That killed me.

5. Date night (15x06) I love every single episode with Cat Adams so of course I had to mention this. Even though I didn't appreciate Cat Adams reappearing again and threatening to kill Spencer's girlfriend's father and sister, I loved the whole episode. This proved to me how Cat was actually not in love but Spencer but simply obsessed, just like Diane was - and I mean it like they both wanted someone, they both wanted to be recognized by Spencer at the end of the day and he had to find a way to give them what they wanted. So when Spencer went on a date with Cat and he had to kiss her on his doorstep, I wasn't surprised at all. Especially by the kiss (even though it was fucking hot, I can't deny it). Also I loved Maxine in this episode, she seems like a bad ass and I kind of like her with Spencer. She's not the best fit for him but she's definitely a flicker of happiness for him after so many years and so many traumas.

6. Entropy (11x11) This is the first episode where we can see Cat Adams and oof, she left me breathless. Amazing acting, amazing episode, just fucking stunning. Loved the way the episode ended with Spencer on the swings (it broke my heart and I cried, of course).

7. Raphael (2x14-2x15) No need to comment. These episodes where *chef's kiss*.

8. Believer (13x22) and 300 (14x00) Just love them so much, there's not a particular reason. I loved how they talked about an older case and connected it to these episodes. I didn't like the writers deciding to give Spencer more traumas lol.

9. Truth or dare (14x15) I'm a sucker for angst episodes and this gave angst because of JJ's confession. Even though I thought it was useless and she could've said something else, I loved how Spencer reacted to it and how, from these episodes on, he started to have some kind of... moments with JJ? I don't know how to explain it but we saw more Jeid in the later episodes than the first seasons. I like Spencer and JJ.

10. Mr.Scratch (10x21) Mr. Scratch is my second favourite unsub because of his theatrical way of killing people, because he was creative and made sure to never be found but also making sure the team knew he was the one behind the murders. I love him so much - didn't love the fact that in this episode we almost thought Spencer got shot in the head.

11. Demons (9x24) I loved this episode for one single scene: the conversation between Alex and Spencer at the end. Alex deserved so much more.

I have a lot more episodes to talk about but I'm just going to end this rant here. Apparently I like all the episodes where Reid gets hurt...

[empressfiend]

A Cat and His Magnificent Owner - Part 4 (Malec Fic)

*spreading a little fluff, cuteness in the form of cat!alec, and happiness in the wake of the disastrous #MondayTakeover that was not Matt’s fault tyvm.

Read on Ao3.

“Have you come to torment my cat?”

Raphael huffed. “I have more class than that.” His friend lifted up the paper bag. “Your cat will love all the expensive Japanese fish I’ve brought as bribery.”

It was Friday which meant one thing: date night.

Except, tonight, Magnus was going to host Izzy’s family dinner for reasons unknown to him. He was also the designated chef along with his lovely assistant, Alexander, for reasons also unknown. But he supposed he’d have taken up the task anyway if the alternative was to endure Izzy’s disastrous cooking. His day had therefore started with him checking his emails, updating his project and then answering the door to accept the delivery of the needed ingredients (because he was lazy like that and modern technology must be taken advantage of).

Alexander, on the other hand, kept up the usual, lazy schedule of waking up late, doing school work for a few hours and then having lunch with him. When he’d first met his boyfriend and learned of Alexander’s amazing juggling act between college life and owning a business, he’d have pegged his boyfriend to be a workaholic but no. To be fair, whenever nightfall came, Alexander would work continuously, without end and without break.

Just like he does, apparently.

It was better that way though he supposed because while he worked on his projects throughout the day, he had his boyfriend to take care of him and vice versa so really, they had a great schedule. And, in short, they were the perfect couple. Really. Really.

“OH. SHIT!” Alexander threw a rag at the large flame that erupted out of a round tin inside the oven; it was supposed to have been a perfectly baked macaroni and cheese. “Magnus!”

Right now, though, they were an unmitigated disaster because cooking plus panic does not equate perfection and they weren’t holding themselves together up very well.

But, at least, they were a perfect disaster together.

Dinner was in a few hours though and they had so many more recipes to go through that it was ridiculous and Magnus was seriously considering hiring a personal chef because why not. “Don’t yell for me, darling. Throw water at it or something!” He handed over a pitcher and then went back to his station, far away from the flames, to resume chopping the onions he needed for the steak dish whilst he cast furtive glances at his smoke alarm and hoped to hell it wouldn’t ring. “Is it gone?”

Alexander came into view, hair stuck up in strange directions and face ragged. “Why are we doing this?”

“You’re asking me?” Magnus asked incredulously as he finished up his task. “I’ve been asking that since Sunday!”

“Let’s just order take-out. Izzy won’t know.”

Magnus raised a brow.

“Okay, she will,” Alexander admitted. “But I really don’t care.”

“Darling, I’d agree in a heartbeat, you know that,” Magnus turned the heat up on his infrared stove and placed a pan on top. “But remind me who else is coming over to our humble abode?”

Alexander slumped and moodily picked up a bag of quinoa. “My mother.”

“That’s right, honey.” Magnus generously poured olive oil and sesame oil in the pan then gingerly poured in the onions he’d sliced. “So -,” He closed his eyes when the doorbell interrupted him and a wave of irritation passed over him.

Alexander peeked out the archway of the kitchen suspiciously. “One of your friends again?”

“Honestly, I don’t know why they’ve become so curious about you all of a sudden.” Magnus washed his hands and dried them on a tea towel. “I suspect they’ll keep coming until you shift for them.” He took the steak off the heat and kissed his boyfriend’s cheek. “You could, you know?”

Alexander’s face scrunched up.

“Oh, darling.” Magnus shook his head and walked to the front door to find Raphael standing in his pristine glory with a paper bag. “Have you come to torment my cat?”

Raphael huffed. “I have more class than that.” His friend lifted up the paper bag. “Your cat will love all the expensive Japanese fish I’ve brought as bribery.”

“Oh?”

  Magnus tried to hide his grin. He really did but he couldn’t because the way Alexander’s little cat’s eyes dilated visibly as his boyfriend eyed the spicy tuna roll Raphael was teasingly waving around was nothing short of hilarious and incredibly adorable. His chest vibrated with silent laughter and he thought that while Alexander was trying to prevent humiliation by not shifting, his boyfriend was only making things worse.

Surely, embarrassing as it was to face people whose first encounter with you was you naked holding up their friend's underwear, it was much better than being a cat for an indefinite period of time and being subjected to foul smells, aggressive petting and tuna bribery.

“Alec, you’re going to drool soon.” He smirked but immediately felt his heart melt when his cat’s ears twitched and those wide hazel eyes glanced over at him as if pleading for help. “Alright, Raphael, enough.”

Raphael handed over the spicy tuna roll obediently enough which Alexander lapped up happily. But then his friend proceeded to pull out a box of salmon pizza with an evil glint. “I’ll give this whole thing to you if you do one thing for me. How about it?”

Meow.

“Did he just agree?” Raphael questioned.

Magnus eyed his boyfriend who looked about ready to pounce or walk away, apparently done with the embarrassment. “No.” He leaned over his friend’s shoulder and snatched a slice then retreated quickly to avoid being hit. “While it’s infinitely amusing to see you bribe my darling cat, I am busy, Raphael.”

“With what?” Raphael kept the box out of the way as Alexander swiped at it with a paw.

Magnus sighed and went over to pick up his boyfriend. His cat kneaded his chest and he smiled slightly before feeding Alexander the pizza he had stolen. “Isabelle is coming over for a Lightwood family dinner and I need to go back to cooking.”

“Isabelle?” Raphael stood up and stowed the pizza back into the paper bag. “So that’s why Simon was being extra jittery today. I nearly kicked him out of the apartment.”

“You didn’t?”

“It was his turn to cook lunch today.” Raphael shrugged. “Besides, I needed him to shift into a puppy and make my clients fall in love with him so they’d be more lenient with me.”

“You could stop photographing female models and stick to males instead.” Magnus tugged the pizza away from his ravenous boyfriend and stuck his tongue out when his gorgeous cat glared. He ate the last remaining bite and moaned a little at the heavenly taste. “Ugh, you bought these from The Loop?”

“Yeah... shame your cat won’t do me one tiny favour to have it all...”

Magnus narrowed his eyes at his friend. “Hand it over, Santiago; you don’t even like fish.”

“No,” Raphael smirked. “But I’m sure I can find someone who’d love to have all of these.”

Alexander hissed.

“One favour, cat.” Raphael raised the paper bag. “And this is all yours.”

Magnus watched his boyfriend huff for a moment, cat eyes laser sharp on the paper bag, and he thought Alexander was finally going for it but then his lovely boyfriend turned around and started licking him instead. “Oh!” He giggled a little as his ticklish spot was targeted and hastily pulled his devious boyfriend away from his face. “You...”

Meow. Alexander looked up at him with wide, innocent eyes.

“I think, Raphael,” Magnus flicked his eyes over to his unhappy friend. “That was a final and definite 'no'.” He smiled when his boyfriend wiggled his cute cat nose in a habitual movement that was just as endearing in human form.

“What a waste.” Raphael pulled out The Loop’s signature Big Mac Roll and then backed away wisely.

Magnus felt himself salivate and Alexander go lax in his arms at the sight of such beauty. “Give it.” He demanded and advanced menacingly.

“Cool it.” Raphael raised his hands in what was supposed to be in surrender or to at least make them back off but instead only made them both more aware of the fact that his friend was holding a Big Mac Roll and a paper bag full of other delicious goodness.

In a coordinated attack, Alexander launched out of Magnus’ arms and went straight for the paper bag while Magnus slid down on the floor in time to grab the Big Mac Roll that fell out of Raphael’s shocked hold. He bit into it and groaned from the explosion of tastes in his mouth: spicy tuna, tempura flakes, snow crab, avocado, tobika, and sweet sauce.

Oh yes.

His hackles raised when he felt something on his lap, terrified that he had damaged his silk pants when he saw that it was just his lovable cat curling up on his lap; Alexander’s head was inside the paper bag and was presumably eating the rest of the food. He flicked his boyfriend’s body gently. “Oi, save some for me.”

Meow! Alexander peered out of the bag with a messy face and licked his finger in assurance.

Magnus nodded happily and took another bite of his roll. He let the wonderful tastes have a party in his mouth and tilted his head back in bliss. It was then that he noticed (and remembered that) his friend was still there, as unmoving as a statue, with a look of shock and terror. “You need me to defrost you, Raph?”

“Don’t call me Raph.” Raphael snapped immediately.

“Welcome back to the living.” Magnus teased as he happily took another bite of the roll.

Raphael huffed. “You both deserve each other.”

“Why, thank you.” Magnus winked as he gently caressed his boyfriend’s smooth fur. 

Meow? Alexander poked his small cat head out of the paper bag in curiosity.

“Here you go, darling.” Magnus offered half of the roll to his boyfriend and smiled as his endearing cat nudged the roll by the nose before proceeding to eat; it was such a stupidly delightful act.

The floor made a creaking sound as Raphael shifted and Magnus looked up to see his friend with an unreadable but light expression. “You win this round but,”

“But?” Magnus asked, his heart skipped in trepidation at the pleased smirk on his friend’s face.

“Something’s burning in your kitchen.”

Alexander acted first and darted over to the kitchen while Magnus froze in horror. He heard a horrified mewl and finally sprinted over; the precious food they had snatched away from Raphael fell onto the floor in neglect. His body froze again, however, as he realised his friend had followed him and there was a very real chance his boyfriend had shifted into human form. He opened his mouth to give a warning but suddenly Raphael had a hand over his mouth and was dragging him the rest of the way, his friend's eyes smouldering brightly with excitement.

The big pot on top of the stove was boiling over, bits of quinoa being spat out, and his boyfriend was beside it, at a safe distance and in full cat form, mid-step with eyes wide.

Magnus hurriedly shouldered Raphael away and skidded over to the stove in full panic. His hand burned a little as he pushed the pot away from the heat and he turned the stove’s dial down. The pot’s contents continued to simmer but it wasn’t doing so violently any longer and he breathed a tiny sigh of relief at that. He went to check over his boyfriend for any possible injuries and when he was completely sure everything was fine, he sighed deeply and leaned back on the counter to give his friend a chastising look while Alexander insistently climbed up his arm to settle on his shoulder.

Raphael was looking terribly disappointed and a tad ashamed.

“I think you’ve done enough?” Magnus raised a brow.

Raphael nodded dejectedly. “I was so sure the bribe would work.”

“Perhaps but not telling me that you knew something was burning was low.” Magnus tsk’ed and raised his hand to stroke his cat’s soft head. “Well, stay if you can help but otherwise, you’ve delayed me for far too long so I’m going to need you to leave.”

“You aren’t banning me?” Raphael asked in slight surprise.

“Why should I?” Magnus smirked deviously. “Then I’d have no delicious seafood to look forward to on your next visit.”

Raphael’s eyes rolled.

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