#and I've died before I've been alive longer than you imagine and i am ready to live my life

[dogearedheart]

do you guys ever think about, "The point is that they were here at all and you got to know them. When they're gone, it will hurt, but that hurt will remind you of how much you loved them." because I fucking do!

[yuvon-writes-letters]

Hey guys :)

Maybe I'm going chronological for one time, so I can sort my thoughts easier.

Yeah, Goldie's much mire active than I would've thought, too. But they did all those things to keep me alive and kind of save, since we still don't know who they are exactly working against. (I mean, we don't know who Goldie exactly is either, but you get my point)

Honestly, I am pretty sure the TSB timeline is continuing, at least if my theory that Goldie just set me back in an alternate timeline is true. In this case I feel sorry for TSB, though..Extremely sorry. He still was 'my' Jake back then, even though he acted weird in the end (maybe was manipulated by entities). I mean, if what he wrote was true he went with authorities. And in the end..this could've been his downfall.

And yeah, maybe I'm not exactly safe, but I just have to go back. If I go, and if I lose my job, I have some things to sort out. And Jake luckily agreed with me that clearing up my desk isn't the worst thing I can do before leaving. We're still thinking about a location, which I could luckily deside myself. Max agreed on that. Even though he still has some doubts. (I mean, of course...His cousin opened the door with bruises all over her face.) He did promise to not ask any questions until I feel ready, though. That gives myself and Jake some time to figure that out.

And also, Jake is right! We have three Jakes and three smart people. YUVON. And of course Goldie, like you said Yu :) And some information about the previous timeline. (And that was it with being chronological)

So yeah, like I said, Max and I'll go. And I also think we can be pretty certain now that the message came from Goldie not the MWAF (which is relieving). I saw the messages and they didn't make Jake the bad guy. I honestly just don't think I can quote them yet. (They're too good, but I probably start daydreaming if I do) But they talk about Jake being an important part of my life and my heart and Max protecting me when he cannot. My dear cousin jumped to conclusions when he saw my bruised face. About Max' phone...I'll probably throw it in a river or something if he brings it with him. I told him not to, also because of Jake (he's not only worried about the MWAF apparently...He didn't exactly say it out loud, but I think it's pretty obvious) but he loves this device.

And I emphasize with you about the being kidnapped thing, you'll manage it, I know it :) And if I need to jump dimensions and box some sense into your Crow-Crew xD

No but for real, you can do that. I know it :)

Jake, find a good point in time to talk to her. But do it :)

Otherwise, I still think the 'underlying desire' theory is a possibility! But, like always in the moment, we could be wrong.

As for my stasis, I really do not wish to talk to more people who think I've been kidnapped. And I am a bit scared that could somehow lead to either them or me being in more danger again. But for now we have to wait.

I for now will pack some important things and paper & pens xD I don't want to leave y'all behind :P

Liska🐾🔥

[A screenshot is glued to the back of the letter and the quick sentence "Jake wants to talk to Jake" is written above]

Hello Jake, it is a pleasure to meet you. I am not quite sure in which way Liska will handle giving you my message, but she promised me to not read it for now.

I don't know whether she told you before or not, but as far as I am concerned she realised I am not only worried about the MWAF chasing her.

With me breaking out of this stasis I am sure that my followers aren't that far behind. And I know you can't do anything from where you are, but cross checking way to protect her doesn't seem to bad to me. Especially since we are similar but still fairly different from each other. At least it seems like that from what I have read.

For my part, I recently improved and updated Nym-OS which allows me access to Liskas whereabouts. If Yuvon should read this, she knows and agrees to it.

Still I am yet stuck on one little detail: I am trying to help Nym-OS in counterattacking. So, even though I am sure you already knoe this yourself, Nym-OS gets the ability to access location of the people attacking Liskas phone. I am almost done with that, so we are able to see a bit easier if and where people are that could be a danger.

Do you have any other ideas for ways I could help? Or even improve what I am doing momentarily. I wouldn't normally ask this since I know and trust my skills, but I think that this is fairly different from a 'normal situation'.

~ Jake

Lis,

Um. I don't know if you've seen the newest person to send in a letter, but we now have an issue.

Jessy, if you're reading this, I was sort of trying to avoid talking about this right away but I'm sort of trapped in a weird place, and Jake's here too because I'm a dumbass. I did not, so you know, let him read your letter or my reply. I figured you wouldn't want that. Sorry for dancing around the issue earlier :/ But at least you can get a good sample of the complete insanity we go through on the regular now!

Yeah... you're getting thrown into the deep end right now, aren't you. Sorry. There's no way to ease into this. You should probably either stop reading these entirely or start reading the letters from the beginning, so this will all at least make some sense. The first letter should start with the words "To whoever reads this," just so you know you get the right one.

Back to you, Lis. Yeah, I feel pretty bad for TSB Jake too. I honestly can't imagine being in his position right now.

Alright. So, you can choose the place. Great! There's way less chance of you being caught that way...

Tragedies just seem to be happening to all us Duskwood detectives, recently, don't they? Rai is chronically overworked and barely has time to sleep, I'm stuck in this hellhole and I've been forgotten by most everyone, you were shot, and poor Matt died and... well.

I never knew him, but I feel really bad for him :(

You could give Max half the truth. Tell him you have a stalker, and he's starting to get physical. Jake has been trying to help you get away from the asshole. It's not even a lie, just... not the full truth. Because. You know. The whole truth is completely fucking insane.

Writing to Jessy just put into perspective how insane everything is, I think. Gimme a sec.

Oh, fuck. My Jessy just texted me. Great timing.

Jeez that whole thing with me leaving myself out was just a joke XD If I knew you and Jake would take it so seriously, I'd never have said anything. I'll steer clear from now on.

Yeah, okay, definitely Goldie. That makes way more sense. I don't think you have to be quite so drastic as destroying the phone. Just get him to leave it at home for the trip.

Ahaha, thanks. I don't think that's necessary, though. Actually, seeing future!Jessy's perspective has caused a bit of a paradigm shift. I think I might need to reconsider what all to tell and not to tell the Crow Crew. I just sort of default to keeping things secret, now, but you've seen how well that worked for me with you and Rai, and with Jake.

Again, you probably should wait for them to contact you first, but you WILL need to talk to them when that happens. What you say to them and what you don't is up to you.

Pack a couple different pens XD We're all a bit long-winded.

That's all from me :)

(The handwriting changes to Jake's.) Hallo, Lis.

Yuvon refuses to tell me what precisely she means about Jessica. Was she somehow contacted by an alternate version of Jessica? If so, how?

I am glad it was Goldie who contacted Max. Yuvon's suggestion for an excuse seems a good one, as there are far less things to remember that way. You simply need to oversimplify everything.

I do not, unfortunately, entirely believe that Yuvon was joking when she made that comment, based on previous comments and her ongoing guilt. I can't understand sometimes why she feels the need to lie so much. It is difficult for me to read people, much less her.

I will speak to her eventually. Early tomorrow, perhaps, if nothing else rears its head. Yuvon looks tired, and I am also admittedly not at my peak. I sincerely hope she does not wake up as early as she does every single day. It may get somewhat taxing, what with the lack of coffee here.

I think that is all from me to you, Lis. If you would kindly find a way to send the next section to my counterpart without looking at it, it would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you :)

—Jake and Yuvon

Jake,

It is a pleasure to meet you as well, despite the unusual circumstances.

That our pursuers may be freed from the stasis is a logical conclusion. Seeing as the last known location I had on them in my universe was approximately five hundred miles from Duskwood, they will likely be some of the first to free themselves from the stasis. I do not believe I need to warn you that time is of the essence.

It seems as if I am a small distance ahead of you in the development of countermeasures, perhaps because I have had more linear time to develop them. If you are where I think you are at in the development, you likely have or will soon hit a bug you cannot pin down that makes the pinpointing mechanism simply refuse to work at all. Presuming your and my version of NYM-0S are similar enough, the issue should lie in the public bool set in line 132 of the third part of the targeting script, the script that decides what constitutes a target; you have it defaulted to "false" where it should default to "true".

As for additional countermeasures: I was attempting to work on a rudimentary automated system of pattern detection when I was brought here. Essentially, its function would be such that it would be able to triangulate using the locator features already installed to find a rough estimate of where their headquarters might be. However, I have not found any way thus far to eliminate outliers, and as such the feature is currently next to useless. I am no longer able to work on the code, but perhaps you will have more luck than I did.

That is all I can think of for the moment on that subject. However, I have an odd theory on what may be part of the reason we vary so. If you have a moment to spare, please answer me this:

When I was very young, back when Mother was still around, she took me to a doctor for odd behaviors. This included not looking people in the eyes, but there was a list. I was given a diagnosis; if you had the same experience, you should likely know which one.

Did you have this experience? If so, please prove it by stating what the diagnosis was.

Do not worry if you do not know what I am talking about; I would rather you did not guess. Simply state that you don't know. It will confirm my theory.

Good luck with your pursuers.

—Jake

(The letter tucks itself in the paper clip with the others.)

[willykappymarnsmatts]

Wish It Was Real: Chapter 3 (A. Matthews)

Gif by @nylanders

Usually on Saturdays Auston and I would hang out at home all day, listening to music and doing chores around my apartment until it comes time to get ready to go to the arena. It's abnormally quiet in the apartment this Saturday, with no Aus bouncing around the halls, trying to distract me while I fold the laundry, blasting music until I yell at him to turn it down.

I miss him. It's only been a couple of days since I've seen him and I miss him. I don't bother turning on music, but I go around the rooms, picking up old glasses and plates to wash before I get ready to go. I shake my head and wonder how terribly wrong I read the situation on the couch with Auston. I spooked him, and now he'll never look at me the same ever again. He's probably disgusted with me. He's never expressed he wanted anything more with me, our relationship seeming strictly friendly until the fake-dating. But apparently, the entire thing was acting. If he's going to give me the cold shoulder from now on, I don't know how much longer I can go playing pretend with him.

•••

AUSTON’S POV

Why the fuck did I run off like that, I think to myself, lying on my back on my bed, staring at the ceiling. I've picked up my phone at least a hundred times, opening her contact on my phone, wanting more than anything to text her, to see her.

To hear her voice.

But something stops me every time. Something inside me makes me throw my phone across the room and try to force her out of my head. I can't get her out, though. She's all that I can think about, has been for years. Stupid fucking flings don’t even come close to making me feel the way I do when I’m around her, when she smiles at me and its like time stops, when she jokingly flirts with me when we’re alone. The way she's been looking at me, while we've been pretending, I literally cannot focus. It takes all my fucking willpower not to kiss her while we’re in the company of the team, or her friends.

When she's wearing my sweats, her hair hanging loose with no makeup on, I can't think straight. When she dresses up to go out somewhere, I imagine my hands roaming her perfect body, the things I'd do to her if I could. She makes my heart stop. She's funny, and kind to literally everyone, she's loyal, beautiful…

She’s my fucking favourite person and I want her all to myself.

I'm gonna make her mine. I'm done playing games and pretending and flirting. I sit up on my bed and push myself onto my feet to get ready to go to the arena. I'm not going to wait around anymore.

•••

Y/N’s POV

I smile politely at the people who make eye-contact with me on my way to the section where the guys buy seats for the WAGs. I take a deep breath when I see the group of blondes chatting and drinking a few metres away. I nod at the strangers in the seats between me and the girls and slide past them when they get up.

“Y/N! Hey!” Paige exclaims when she sees me. She gets up from her seat to hug me and sits back down, taking her purse off my seat so I can do the same. I wave at the group, and while most of the girls are nice enough to me, Steph glares at me slightly. I shake my head to myself, but my face breaks into a smile when Paige turns towards me. “So, how are things going with Auston?” She drawls. Paige had quickly become my closest friend out of the girls when Kasperi started dating her. They have an on-off relationship, and when they're on I see a lot more of her, but she's probably the only one out of the girlfriends that I keep in touch with outside of with the guys.

I grimace slightly, and her face falls. “You know how the guys all went out for Will’s birthday the other night?” She nods, her eyes searching mine. “Since that night, I haven't seen or heard from him. I know he’s alive because he’s been posting and the team hasn’t posted a fucking announcement that he died, but he’s been ignoring me for what seems like absolutely no reason.” I pout a little, this being the first time I've spoken the situation out loud, even in its half-truth.

“Want me to get Kappy to kick his ass?” She asks, her expression sombre until she sees my face light up and I giggle. We laugh and continue to chat until the lights dim and the light show begins on the ice. We whoop and cheer with the rest of the arena, and Paige and I yell especially loud for Kap, Mitch, and Will. When Auston’s name is announced and the arena starts to shake, my heart dips and breaks a little. He gives a small nod to the arena, which is displayed on the scoreboard, then looks in my direction. I watch him as he squints to look for me in the crowd, as he does every game I come to, but instead of smiling and waving when he sees me like a little kid, he nods to himself and looks away.

My heart breaks and I slump in my seat a bit, which catches Paige’s attention. “Hey, what's wrong?”

“He barely even looked at me.” I admit, and she puts an arm around me and rubs my shoulder. Her bracelet catches on a loose thread of my jersey, and she grins a little.

“His name is still on the back of the jersey you're wearing. Everything is fine. He would’ve taken it with him when he left if he didn’t want you to wear it. And you're going out with him tonight, right?” I nod, still frowning.

“Okay, so then you talk to him tonight. Ask him why he's being a little bitch. And if he does break your heart, I swear I’ll get Kap to beat his ass.”

I giggle again at the thought of the two best friends having it out. “Thanks for being such an amazing friend,” I tell her, and she smiles.

“Babe, you never have to thank me for that.”

The game speeds by and it’s halfway through the third period with the guys down by one to the Panthers. Auston gains possession of the puck and skates into the opposing end. He passes it to Mitch, who passes it back to Auston, who skates around a defenceman and shoots from his backhand…

The arena starts to shake as people jump up from their seats and scream and cheer. I stand up and clap as the guys jump on Auston in celebration. As he skates towards the bench, he looks in my direction and winks, and butterflies blossom in my stomach. Paige sees, and she wraps her arms around me in celebration.

Mitch scores the game-winning goal seven minutes later, to which the fans erupt, and the game ends three minutes after that. Everyone is ecstatic and I leave our section and go into the concourse with Paige on my heels.

“Do you need anything before you go to see him?” she asks me, gently fixing my hair.

“I think I'm okay,” I laugh. “We’re not meeting for the first time or anything.”

She nods and pats me on the shoulder. “Have fun, don't let Steph drag down the night too much.”

I nod and she kisses me on the cheek before letting me find my way to the stairs to get down to meet Auston.

Most of the security recognize me, so I don't have to pull out my access card, but there's always a few new guys who assume I'm a fangirl going to harass the guys. I groan and fish around my purse, but before I can find it someone comes running down the hall and envelopes me in his arms. “Auston!'' I exclaim and hug him back.

“See my goal? Just for you,” he winks, easily falling into fake-affection.

“I saw,'' I grin, and he plants a kiss on my forehead, right in front of the security guard. He clears his throat and Auston nods at him, then wraps his arm around my shoulders to lead me to his car. When we get in, my smile falls, but his doesn’t.

“We can't just act like nothing happened,” I frown.

“Why not?” he jokes, but immediately drops it. “I know. I'm sorry for the way I acted, I really am. I was stupid, I just freaked because-” he cuts himself off when Mitch bursts into the back of the car, a huge grin on his face.

“Mitch! Game winner!'' I smile and high five him, and he pats himself on the back.

“No big deal,” he laughs. Stephanie steps into the car moments later, and the light mood darkens slightly, but I'm able to ignore the glare she gives me.

“Where are we going?” I ask Auston, telling him with my eyes that our conversation is not over.

“Uhm, the usual place.” I nod, my lips in a tight line, and Auston nods back, expressing that he gets that we’re gonna talk alone.

The night is far from over.

[storiessandstudiess]

Bring it back

Prompt: I still love you

A Queen inspired imagine based on the song "Love of my life".

Steve Rogers x female Reader

Warning: nothing but pure angst, a little bit sad fluff, infinity war spoilers ( if you haven't watched that movie yet ), character death: losing a loved one.

It has been raining the entire day and Steve who stands infront of the huge window looks over the skyline of the city he once loved so deeply. Now after everything that happened in the past year, he can't help himself but to feel strong dislike whenever he looked down on it.

He hears how the door behind him opens and closes but he doesn't bother to turn around, he continues to stare outside into the night as if he didn't hear a single noise.

"You're Captain America.", a female voice says and he hears the impressment in it:"The man who died for his country- or at least would die...".

Steve sighs and simply shakes his head, he's already dead- the events surrounding Thanos made him feel lifeless and most of all it made him feel hopeless.

"No I'm not- not anymore.", he answers her without turning around:" Captain America doesn't exist anymore.".

He hears how footsteps are slowly approaching him and when he turns his head he meets eyes with Carol Danvers, the mysterious woman that appeared a couple of days ago after his team turned on a device that once belonged to Nick Fury.

"Can I ask you a personal question, Mr.Rogers?", she asks and when Steve nods after a few seconds she points past him:"I see this woman everywhere, in almost every picture- but she isn't here. Who is she?".

Steve follows her finger and once his eyes land on a framed photograph his expressions turn even colder than they already were to begin with. Carol didn't know that was possible.

Love of my life, you've hurt me

You've broken my heart, and now you leave me.

Without answering her question he turns around and walks straight out of the room. The blonde haired woman watches how he leaves until his footsteps were no longer audible.

As she turns around to look out of the window herself her eyes fall once again on the framed picture that stands on the shelf.

"Don't take it a personal.",a voice Suddenlink says and Carol turns around to see Dr. Bruce Banner standing in the door frame. With a half smile on his face:"He just hasn't moved on yet- personally I don't think he ever will, but someday he will get used to the pain and then you can mention her again.", he walks over to her and takes the frame into his hands:"Right now, we all have to act as if she never existed in the first place. We don't talk about her around him.".

Love of my life, can't you see?

Bruce stares at the picture and his thump slowly removes the thin layer of dust. He smiles softly.

"Who is she?".

"Like I said, we don't talk about her.".

Bring it back, bring it back, don't take it away from me

Because you don't know what it means to me.

A couple of days later Carol walks into the living room, it's almost sunrise and the rest of the Avengers are slowly waking up too.

As she makes her towards the kitchen she sees a figure laying on the couch. She raises her eyebrows in confusion, didn't everyone have their own room?

Without thinking twice about it she continues to make her way into the kitchen, and once again she finds a picture with her on it. The mysterious woman with the y/h/l y/h/c hair and the y/e/c eyes. Next to her stands Steve he has his arm wrapped around her waist.

Compared to the Steve Rogers Carol has met, the one on the photograph seems to be a total different person. He seems carefree, happy, and full of life.

"Good morning.",a deep voice says and when Carol turns around she sees Steve standing infront of the refrigerator. His hair is a mess and his beard is longer than when she met him a couple of days ago, compared to the Steve on the photograph he seems as if he doesn't have control over his own life anymore.

When he realizes that she stares he closes the door and puts the milk on the counter:"You're good?".

"Are you sleeping on the couch?".

"Can you only ever ask questions?".

"Why don't you sleep in your room.".

"I don't have one- at least not anymore.".

"Why?".

"The smell is suffocating me."

Love of my life, don't leave me

You've stolen my love, and now desert me

Carol was confused by the whole situation and she couldn't get the woman out of her head.

After all she was in every single photograph and every time when she entered a room she was greeted by her smile.

Everyone looked at the pictures but no one dared to talk about her. It was as if the thought of her was suffocating the Avengers.

That's why Carol decided to go and look for an answer herself and one night when everyone was fast asleep she went into the basement of the Avengers facility.

The hallways are dark and cold, and the boxes are dusty while the white cardboards have turned yellow.

Hours pass and still she hasn't figured out her identity, it's as if she never existed on the paper. She lets out a frustrated sigh.

"Why do you care so much?".

Carol jumps and quickly turns around at the sound of the voice. Her fists start to glow and she holds them up defensive.

Steve stands on the last step and looks at her unimpressed while he holds a cup of coffee in his hand. He takes a sip before he walks up to her. The blonde haired man looks at the documents that lay on the floor:"Are you really that desperate to find out who she is?".

Love of my life, can't you see?

"It's just I see her everywhere. She's everywhere.",Carol answers as she picks up the papers of the floor and putting them back into the boxes:"I can feel her presence, I-.".

"Yeah, don't. Don't put your nose into things that are none of your business.",he says and gives her a fake smile before he walks back towards the stairs:"Go to bed, Danvers.".

"If she made you so happy. Then how come she isn't here anymore. Did you sent her away?",she asks and Steve stops dead in his tracks:"Did you tell her to go away and now you regret it?".

"What did you just say?".

"If no one is allowed to talk about her then why are her pictures still there?".

Bring it back, bring it back, don't take it away from me

Because you don't know what it means to me

"How dare you say I sent her away?",Steve growls and throws the cup on the floor, it shatters into pieces, just like his heart did last year:"You have no right to talk this way about someone who I've loved so deeply someone who's dead!".

A silence fills the room and Carol swallow thickly:"She's- She's dead?".

Steve takes a deep breath:"She died last year after Thanos snapped his fingers- she died right in front of me.".

"I'm so sorry.",she says in a whisper:"I-".

"It's fine.", Steve shakes his head before he once again turns around to walk out of the basement. When he reaches the stairs he turns around once again and hesitantly says:"Her- her boxes are down the hallway right. Number 0962.".

Carol can hear the pain in his voice and she feels bad for accusing him of sending her away.

When she finds the boxes she sits down on the floor and leans her back against the wall.

"Y/N Y/L/N Rogers.",she reads out what's written on the papers.

"Y/N was my wife.".

Steve who stands next to Carol hold two cups of coffee in his hands, as he sits down next to her he hands her one:"I'm sorry for screaming at you and for behaving the way I did.".

"No I'm sorry, I shouldn't have put this pressure on you- I didn't know.".

But without answering her Steve takes a photograph into his hands, it shows a young woman with in a black suit:"Look, that's Y/N after she got accepted into SHIELD, look how happy she looked.".

And for the first time since Carol knows him he was smiling. A genuine and pure smile formed on his lips.

"I met her a week later, after she got transferred to Tony Stark. She had to work as his assistant for a couple of months. After we found out that she was a really powerful mutant we trained her and she eventually became an Avenger.".

"She was beautiful.".

Steve's blue eyes are filling themselves up with tears as he nods his head:"She was the most beautiful woman that ever walked on this planet, I'm convinced. You can't believe how gorgeous she looked in her wedding dress. I-".

He stops talking and turns his head to look at Carol:"The reason why there are so many pictures of her in the building is that I'm not ready to let go of her, and talking about her seemed impossible for me, you know.".

You will remember, when this is blown over

And everything's all by the way

When I grow older, I will be there at your side

To remind you how I still love you

The entire night both of them spent talking about Y/N and Steve's memories of her.

And with every sentence it hurt less for him.

"I know I will miss her until the day I die.",Steve chuckles:"Because she was the love of my life.".

Carol nods:"She seemed to be an incredible woman. Thank you for sharing her with me...".

Steve just smiles sadly as he reaches once again into the box,he pulls out a vinyl:"Oh- would you look at that. It's her favorite one.".

"She liked Queen?".

"She loved Freddie Mercury, honestly speaking I was always a little bit jealous of that man, because Y/N's love for him was so deeply. Although she kept on telling me I didn't need to worry.".

A few minutes later the sweet sound of "Love of my life" fills the building and the Natasha who is sitting next to Bruce in his laboratory holds her breath.

"Do you hear that?", She asks:"Or am I starting to imagine things.".

"Oh no, I hear it too.".

Both of them smile:"He's finally feeling better.", Natasha says with happy tears in her eyes:"He's finally alive again.".

Back, hurry back, please bring it back home to me

Because you don't know what it means to me

[classykfacesreality-blog]

I've prayed prayers to heaven from my lowest place.

2017 was by far the roughest year of my life. I was drowning in emotions that I never thought I would be able to overcome. I've faced hardships that I've allowed to take over my life. But as I close out the year, I've remembered not to let these things define me. I have remembered that my purpose is to use these trials and tribulations as lessons, and to find the comfort to give to others going through similar situations. I got lost in 2017, but I have found my way back to my purpose. disclaimer: publishing this blog will cause a lot more commotion than I would like, however I vowed to myself that I would never publish anything that wasn't the full story. If I am going to help others, I have to open my heart completely. Shortly after my 17th birthday I told my parents that I was molested when I was younger. Seeing this person all of the time made each day more and more unbearable. My parents felt like they had failed me, like they didn't protect me. They blamed themselves. But how could they have known if I denied it over and over again? When I made the decision to move out of my moms house, my parents asked if anything like that had happened and I told them no. They did their job, it came to question. I made the decision to allow my mother to be happy, she had lost so much already. My mom questioned me for weeks. Was it a dream? Are you sure it was him? Are you positive? He says no. In this situation you can imagine all I wanted was my parents to hold me tight and tell me it was going to be okay, but instead I got questioned over and over again. After weeks of commotion, my mother decided she wasn't ready to give up on her marriage. She is still married to the man who did this to me. At first, I was bitter. Very bitter. I was ready to cut my mom off completely. I ignored her for weeks. I tried to explain to her that the definition of love is sacrifice, and she was sacrificing our relationship to be with him. I went to school everyday crying to my instructor, not understanding why my mom was okay with this. I told her if she wanted to be with him that was fine, but I wasn't going to be around him. Hardly anyone in my family respected my wishes. He was still at family events. He was everywhere she was. My family had the audacity to tell me that I shouldn't seclude myself from everyone, but who would want to be around a man like that? Right? Why couldn't they see it from my side? I was going to church every week. Praying. Crying. Singing. Crying again. Backstory: before I went downstairs to tell my parents, I made my girlfriend promise me she would be there with me through it all. She did not keep her promise. She tried, but it became overwhelming when my mom was calling and texting her when I refused to answer. It became too much when I was crying everywhere we went. I felt so alone. Why did I even tell anyone for my mom to still be with him? For my family to still be ok with having him around? For me to lose my girlfriend? None of it made sense. However, this was only the beginning of a very very long spiral of unfortunate events. A couple of months later, my girlfriend and I had gotten back together. Things were great, or so I thought. She seemed happy but became a little distant. One night, her location was in an unfamiliar place. I found out she had been cheating on me. Again. Except this time, she wasn't just cheating on me. She was raising a child with someone else. I think that's what cut deeper than anything else. The person I wanted to marry, have children with, spend forever with.... was doing those things with someone else. Promising forever with someone else. Giving everything I deserved to someone else. I questioned why not me? I've put up with hell, I've been sticking by your side for years after being treated horribly, how did she just swoop in and take the life that was supposed to be mine? After 3 years of cheating I decided to draw the line at the baby. It was an image I would never be able to get out of my head. MY girl raising someone else's child. I couldn't bear it. It's the greatest pain I had ever felt. Until 2 weeks later. I started school on May 31st. This angel of a person instantly became my best friend. She would come upstairs and talk to me. She had my back when people started to become messy. She listened to all of my family problems, she listened to all of my relationship problems. She let me be sad and angry and hurt and never made me feel bad for it. I felt free when I was with her because she allowed me to feel the emotions I needed to let out, unlike my girlfriend. She hated when I held things in. We grew closer and closer. I began to feel an attraction to her. After I found out what my girlfriend had been up to her and I would text and talk on the phone more frequently. She was the person I called when I first found out what was going on, crying and screaming. I felt her heart breaking for me through the phone. We became a lot closer than I had ever expected. We knew what was going on between us, but I told her I would never let it become too serious because she was just days away from graduating & I knew I wouldn't make the effort to be with her once she left. On September 14th, 2017 she graduated. But we were in an argument. I was mad at her. She left that day with all of her things and I didn't say a word to her. The next day she texted me asking me if I was over it, she called and texted and called and texted all weekend. I continued to ignore it. Sunday she asked if I had gone to church, I still ignored it. She called me Sunday night, declined. Monday morning I woke up to a message from her sister saying that she had died in a car accident Sunday night. I lost it. I never told her how I really felt about her. I never told her how much she meant to me. I was ignoring her and all she wanted was for me to answer. My greatest fear in life has always been losing my significant other. While She wasn't really my significant other, she played the emotional role of one. I was ready to give up on life. Who was I going to call when I needed someone? Who would let me yell and cry and be upset? Everyday I went to school and sat in her chair and cried. I even asked my counselor if I could take a leave of absence. I sat in that office for days and cried. One day in particular, I really lost it. I was at my lowest place. I didn't know what to do. I was ready to give up. I was ready to die. I laid on that classroom floor and cried and screamed for hours and hours and finally, they called my dad to come pick me up. He sent my brother & my nephew. In that moment I felt like I was no longer capable of doing anything. I truly was about to check out of life. I never thought I was going to be able to overcome that feeling. Once we moved schools and I wasn't faced with seeing her station everyday, life became a little easier. I decided I was going to stop crying, and get my shit together. For her. Because that's exactly what she would tell me. She was not one to throw pity parties. Everyday when I finished a balayage, I knew she was proud. I began to live everyday trying to be everything she saw in me from the jump. It amazes me that God put an angel in my life just when I needed it the most, but I still will never understand why he took her right back. But it's not my job to understand it, God works all things for the good. While I still have hard days, I'm a lot stronger than I was that day laying on that classroom floor. Even though I don't understand it, I like to think it all happened so I could tell this story, so I could be there for someone who has faced the same situation. For two weeks after she passed, I dreamed of her. She let me redo the day she graduated because she knew I was struggling with how I said goodbye, or that I didn't. Every night I dreamt of her, it was my chance to redo all of the days I felt I could've done a better job at being there for her like she was for me. She is with me everyday, everywhere I go. If you asked me 365 days ago if I thought I would've faced all of these things in a 3 month span... I would've said no. If you told me I was going to go through these things and come out stronger than ever, I would've laughed. But that's just it, I feel like going through these things made me realize I am far stronger than I ever thought I was. I am not afraid of anything. I live knowing that I am capable of anything. If you asked me that day on the classroom floor if I thought I would even still be alive today, I would've said no. I guess my point is, don't ever get too attached to the idea of anything. God always has better for you. He always has other plans for your life. While losing my best friend was the worst pain I've ever felt, I came out stronger because of it. I know now that any opportunity God sends my way, I'm capable of handling it. I know now not to hold grudges. Answer that call. Answer that text. Tell that person how you feel. Never ever skip an opportunity to tell someone how much they mean to you. I have a new journey on the way for 2018. Something I never thought I would be capable of, but now I know that I am. God has an extraordinary life planned for me. I don't know where it's going to lead me, but I do know that I will have faith. I do know that I will love the people around me harder than I ever imagined. I do know that I will extend God's grace to all who have hurt me. My God is not just a God of the hills, but a God of the valleys. And even though I felt alone, I know I was not. He was working it all for the good. I will never ever lose faith in the God who brought me through my greatest fears.

[alyce0013]

Death And Immortality

Changkyun stared up at the fading light of the sun. Dusk felt right, but the warmth of summer and the life in the vibrant green grass surrounding the freshly filled in grave felt wrong. He wanted a cold, unforgiving wind. He wanted a torrential downpour with thunder and lightning.

A smirk and a scoff was all Changkyun could muster as he continued to stand by the grave. He kicked a bit of the dirt trying his hardest to keep the hysterical laughter in. This was too much for him. It wasn't the first time he had to bury the person he loved, and it probably wouldn't be the last. This time it felt so different. This time it hurt so much more. This time it felt like his heart was truly broken beyond repair.

"You're early, old friend." Changkyun observed as his breath misted in front of him. A shiver making it's way up his spine.

"Am I? I think I'm right on time." Death responded walking over to stand next to Changkyun. They both stared at the fresh grave together for a moment as the warm weather returned.

"I want to say this one was the love of my life, but would that even make sense?"

"It would. It really isn't my area of expertise though but don't they say there is only one true love of your life?" Death placed a hand on Changkyun's shoulder.

"Then she would be the love of my life I guess." Changkyun declared finally looking at his best friend. He couldn't stand staring at the grave any longer. "Why are you here?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Death responded letting out a small chuckle.

"Death? Really? I know you only come in person for special souls. It's also too late to take her. She is already gone." Changkyun huffed as he sat down turning his back to the grave.

"Are we not friends?" Death commented. "I'm not normally comforting people. You know this."

"You don't comfort. That's not your area of expertise. You just take care of wayward souls." Changkyun couldn't stop the bitterness from seeping into his voice.

"I can see your humor died the moment she did. Fine. Straight to the truth. I'm here for you."

"Me?" Changkyun scoffed. "I have another month and a half before it's time for our month together, Hyungwon. Once a year. That was the deal."

"I heard your soul call out to me, Kyun. I had to come and figure out why." Hyungwon removed the hood that cloaked him as Death, and sat down next to his friend. Soft dark brown eyes met Changkyun instead of the skull of Death and he could see compassion in those eyes.

"My soul? Or hers?" Changkyun wiped the reemerging tears from his eyes as his emotions crept to the surface.

"I can tell she was special to you, but in the grand scheme of things she wasn't special enough to require my presence when she died." There was a gentleness to Hyungwon's tone as he spoke. Changkyun leaned into his friend, letting the tears stream down his face now.

"Why wasn't she special enough? Why couldn't she stay alive with me? She was so vibrant and smart, and...just...better and more deserving." The emotion just poured out as Changkyun finally broke down. He hadn't cried when he heard her last breath, or when he watched her eyes become unfocused and glassy. He felt numb as the preparations were made for the funeral. He felt hollow when they lowered her body into the ground and filled in the hole. He felt hysterical when the weather wasn't what he wanted. The presence of Death, his best friend, and the compassion in his eyes was enough to finally feel what he had been bottling up and avoiding.

"Immortality isn't for everyone." Hyungwon pulled the crying man into his chest, tears falling onto the robe of his office. "She left her mark, Kyun. People like her, who are normal and ordinary, are very important to the bigger picture. She lived her life and left her mark. Her death had meaning."

Changkyun knew that what Death was saying was right. He had lived for so long now that he had saw it firsthand. If everyone lived forever, nothing would be meaningful. His immortality occasionally had led him to push off things because he knew he had all the time he wanted. And it was this mindset that had caused him trouble a few times and Hyungwon had to redirect him back on track. A good scolding and reminder of the terms of their deal normally did the trick.

"Sometimes immortality feels more like a curse than the blessing you made it out to be in the beginning."

"Perception is the difference. When I offered you the ability to live forever you saw it as a blessing, because of how much fear mortals put into death."

"And now I see it as a curse, because I've watched everyone I know and love die a few times over." Changkyun finished for him, starting to sob uncontrollably.

"Exactly. You've lasted longer than most. Eventually even I will tire of my office and pass it off to someone worthy. Immortality isn't fun. It's a chore. It's exhausting." There was a long silence between the two men. Hyungwon softly rubbed Changkyun's back as he held him. The two of them sat there like that as night fell and darkness surrounded them. The cooler air of night flowed through the graveyard, soothing raw, tear-stained cheeks.

The sound of sobbing subsided as all the emotions Changkyun had held in were finally released. His breathing fell back into a normal rhythm. He knew now what needed to be said. The reason Death had come all to clear in his mind.

"I don't want to live without her. She was everything to me and now that she is gone...I want to go with her. That's what you felt, right?" Changkyun broke the silence. His tears were drying on his face as he pulled away from Hyungwon.

"I know. Yes. I just needed you to come to it by yourself. I can't force you. This has to be your choice."

"I always knew that I'd die. We all have to one day, but I never imagined that I would face death every year, and that he'd become my best friend."

"We had a good run, didn't we?" Hyungwon responded with a chuckle. "Out of all of my proteges you were my favorite."

"We really did. Who is helping you right now?"

"A man named Kihyun. I made the deal with him not too long after you accepted yours. He's got a bit of a mouth on him, but he is definitely effective. While you were my favorite, he is my best protege."

"At least you won't be lonely. Sounds like someone I could get along with, too." Changkyun noted laughing.

"You probably could." Silence once again filled the graveyard. The two friends sat next to each other staring at the stars sparkling in the sky. She really had been the love of Changkyun's life. He saw that even more clearly now. His heart died with her and, as scared as he honestly was of death, he was more scared of life without her.

"Will it hurt? Dying?" Changkyun whispered, wanting to keep the quiet. Hyungwon let out a small chuckle, but kept the hushed tone that was set.

"I don't think so, but I've never experienced it. The souls I take don't tell me what they experience. Would you like some time to get things in order before I take you?"

"No. My soul called out for a reason. We both know that. I think unconsciously I already knew and tied up all my loose ends. You are the last one. I'm sorry I couldn't be your relief." Changkyun stood up and brushed himself off. He offered his hand to Hyungwon to help him up.

"I honestly thought you would make it." Huyngwon admitted as he took the hand offered, standing up, and hugging his best friend one last time. "It's funny how things work out. I won't forget you, Kyun. I'll miss our time together."

"I'll miss you too, Won. We always did have the best time together." Changkyun pulled away from the embrace, a resolute look in his eyes. "I'm ready. It's my time now."

"I know." A single tear fell down Hyungwon's cheek after he pulled his hood back up.