#and I've already had to reschedule this appointment twice. so I've got to go this time

[running-in-the-dark]

I've been feeling so bad for days now, it's really getting on my nerves. I feel nauseous most of the time. nothing's getting done, my sleep has been awful, I'm so bored and frustrated from not being able to do anything. and I've got a doctor's appointment on Monday that I'll have to drive 30 minutes to, so I'm just. not feeling good.

[iliterallydecepticanteven]

How's "Of Gutters and Galaxies" coming along? Hasn't updated in a while. No rush! Take your time. Just wanted to check in

Thank you for checking in! In a sense, it was on the back burner, then I forgot about it, took it off the stove, and it's sitting in the fridge.

Real talk, I do want to finish it by the end of the year. But every time I sit down to outline the end of the fic, I freeze up with all these questions of if the ending I'm imagining is the ending I want to give it, if I will continue the fic in a series, if yes am I gonna merge it with an AU I've already made or crave out a new, and if I do continue it then I have to adjust the ending accordingly for a smooth tie in. And it all gets so overwhelming that I just give up and work on something else, typically shorter and without existing connections.

I also get torn between wanting to write the ending in its entirety and then posting chapters on a schedule or working one chapter at a time so I have time to mull over where I want the story to go. I can't say how many chapters or words are left, but I will say, where the fic currently is, is what I would consider the end of the second act of a three act story. Like more is going to happen but again I try to think over what that more is and freeze up.

Life has also gotten crazy between working to pay off medical bills (which I did in full earlier this year!!), going on a trip with family, a death in my extended family, and now working to pay off my credit card debt. I can't take on more hours at work since I'm already full time so I've been donating plasma twice a week because I also want to pay off my credit card by the end of the year. Plus I got yanked into a tricky phone plan situation which put even more of a strain on my finances and got surprise dropped from my family's insurance so I had to scramble to get onto my employer's insurance and reschedule a ton of appointments I had made months prior to getting dropped. But all of that is a rant post for a different time.

And just to be clear I don't mind asks like these! I actually like them! It makes me so happy to know that even though it's been literally forever since I updated you like my work so much that you took the time to check in on me and see how it was progressing 💜 (even if it did mean getting an extended pseudo vent post in return lol)

[littlehen]

blah blah blah

My neighbour who's fostering the kittens phoned me up in a dither, about 6pm. She had fallen and hurt her ankle, it was all black and blue, so she had gone to hospital at 2pm to get it checked. She was still waiting to be seen, and she was worried about the kittens. I went around and fed them. My neighbour has lots of other animals, but she didn't ask me to feed them, she was hoping to be home by the evening.

Then at 8pm she phoned again, she was still waiting for her X-ray and now she did need all the other animals to be fed. She was also worried about how she would get home from the hospital. I said I would take care of her animals. I went over and fed four kittens, four adult cats and one rather worried shih-tzu. Also my dad offered to give her a lift back from the hospital. She said, 'Is that okay, even if it's late?' My dad said it was fine. As soon as we got off the phone, he told me he regretted offering. (He thought she was ready to go.) 'Now we have to wait around all night waiting for her to phone.'

I reminded him that when I took him to the hospital, when he had his accident, it was literally impossible to get a taxi home (even though it was the day of the Queen's funeral, so the taxis weren't busy at all) and we had to call a neighbour and ask for a lift very late at night. So we just need to think of this as paying it forward.

It's now 10pm and I assume she is still waiting for her X-ray. She's in her 70s and she's been waiting around and worrying for 8 hours and counting. 😠 I understand that our local hospital is massively oversubscribed and understaffed, and they're doing their best, but unfortunately their best is shit.

So I wouldn't mind helping out, except that - last night I had one of my bad insomnia nights. I was lying awake all night and finally got some sleep between 6am and 10.15am. I've been feeling very spacey all day and was hoping to get an early night. And now we have to wait up until she phones us.

Also at 5pm my boss texted me and asked if I could help her out by doing an extra shift tomorrow. They have three staff members off sick and are desperate. I was really annoyed because it's my day off, and I had a haircut appointment booked. (I already had to reschedule this hair appointment because the previous time I also had an insomnia night and hadn't slept at all.) I told my boss I had a haircut dentist appointment but I would try to move it. I called my hairdresser, she was very understanding about me rescheduling my appointment twice, and we moved it to next week (ugh, my hair is so long now and I hate it) so I was able to tell my boss I could work.

So now I have the twin commitments of 'wait up indefinitely late to collect old lady from hospital' and 'get up early and go to work', and I'm already exhausted and desperate to go to sleep and I feel slightly ill. I wish I had a valet to deal with all this for me, where is Jeeves when you need him.

EDIT: At 11.30pm, another neighbour knocked on our door (the one who dropped her off at the hospital this afternoon) and told us he was going to collect her, and we could stand down! I think the original plan was that this guy would collect her, but she was worried that it would end up being too late for him - he must be about 80 whereas my dad is a spring chicken at 72. (I couldn't offer to drive because I'm so sleep-deprived I wouldn't trust my reactions, it'd be like drunk driving.) Neighbour guy reassured us that he didn't mind waiting up, and we could go to bed. I hope she gets home from hospital soon and I hope I get some sleep tonight.

EDIT 2: it’s nearly 3.30 and I’ve been dutifully lying quietly with my eyes closed for four hours, and I’m bored out of my skull but somehow not bored enough to fall asleep. whyyyyyy. I don’t normally get two nights like this in a row. okay I’m going to try again

[kirstenlinae]

Trying to shift

I attended a Zoom OA meeting today. I wanted to join one at 9am and then again at 9:30am but, the passcodes for the meetings wouldn't work for me on my zoom account for some reason. Then there were a couple of meetings that just didn't start at all, I waited like 10 minutes past the meeting time for both and no host came in to start them. Very frustrating. However, I did find one that I like and I will try to make it a habit to go to again on Wednesday mornings at 10. It was a small meeting, only 6 of us. All the ladies were older than me, most of them much older. That doesn't matter to me, though. I figure, the older the members are, the more wisdom that they have to share. In the beginning of the meeting we talked about tools for recovery and today's assigned tool was the eating/meal plan. It seemed like this particular meeting didn't assign itself to any strict regimen as far as a meal plan goes, everyone had a different definition of their own eating plan. I was asked to share and I did a couple of times where it was relevant. Everyone posted their phone number in the chat, including me. I haven't received any texts just yet but, one of the members I talked with after the meeting had invited me to speak at another meeting that is on Friday nights, about my sobriety from drugs and alcohol. I told her that I couldn't this week because I work second shift on Fridays usually but, I could request off for a Friday in the future and call in to this particular meeting. It felt good to have my sobriety recognized so quickly, even though I'm technically still struggling from an addiction (food). Before we parted ways, she said, "I hope your food brings you peace today." I appreciate that sentiment. I only have a little bit of anxiety from what I ate for "breakfast," however, I have a plan for the rest of the day and I am confident that I can stick to it.

I would like to try one OA zoom meeting a day for a little while. Find a few that I would like to attend regularly. As I mentioned in a previous post, there are couple that are pretty local to me but, they are held during the days/times that I usually work, also. So, unless my schedule changes or I request off, the in-person meetings are not conducive to my regular work schedule.

I have been thinking about discussing a few things with my dietician at our next appointment. I could call her but, I want to wait to see how the next month goes and I want to see what the psychologist says regarding my evaluation for surgery. If the psychologist is good at her job, she will see what I already know. I don't know that I am ready for surgery so quickly. I think I would benefit from a longer monitored diet regimen, some more OA under my belt, and some more food addiction-related therapy as well. I also think it would benefit me to make my own diet plan, tailored to the one I am already on for surgery. I think I need to make more concrete plans/goals for myself because right now, that concept seems foggy to me.

In other news, my interview for that full-time job got rescheduled to next Tuesday. Pretty annoying but, I worked for that company before and honestly, it doesn't surprise me. Since applying for that job, however, I have been thinking twice about going back to work full-time. For one, my biggest housekeeping client said that she is referring me to one of her friends so, I could potentially get another house in my schedule. Second, in order to make moving to full-time even worth it (meaning, quit housekeeping and working part-time), I would have to make at least like $18/hour and I know that place isn't going to pay me near that. I would be surprised if they did, let's just say that. Lastly, I need the flexibility of working part-time because of my myriad of doctor's appointments, my responsibility to take my boyfriend to work every day on second shift and my housekeeping clients that I've made a commitment too. Plus, my small business is growing...which is what I set out to do 6/7 months ago, anyway. I think I would like to work somewhere other than the hotel, though. This morning, I applied to two different Torrids that are kind of close to me. We'll see if anything happens with that, I guess.

That's all I've got for today. I have to get ready for work in a bit. Until next time <3

[fantabulisticity]

I'm still so fucking mad about what happened today at work. Usually when I have a bad day, I eat my feelings and watch some movie or show and then I'm still upset, but fine enough. But like. I am close to tears again because I am so FUCKING mad. And I wanted to talk to my therapist about this, but I slept through my last appointment and had to reschedule. And my next appointment isn't for a week and a half and I am DONE with the bullshit. I can't fucking take it anymore. As soon as fucking possible I'm talking to my store manager and figuring out what I can do to stay at the company but not have to do the stupidest, most unrewarding job in the fucking world. Holy fucking shit I am so FUCKING angry.

I'm also going to make a point to talk to the other people in my position because, like. I CAN'T be the only one frustrated with being told I'm doing eveything wrong and having my ENTIRE job description change every FUCKING week, and then being treated like it's my fault the higher-ups can't decide what my fucking job is.

And today? Today, you know what made me so mad I wanted to scream?

So, LITERALLY a few days ago, one of my managers changed things up on me AGAIN, and I got plenty of reassurance from her that what she told me to do is the latest update on what I'm supposed to do. So, naturally, I expressed frustration about it (because my job has changed more than 10 times over the last two months AND one of the higher ups came in and bullied me until I had to cry for 3 hours after work), but I fucking did it. And NOW, less than a week later, literally two or three shifts later, a different manager comes and says I'm doing everything wrong and what the previous manager told me was all wrong. So I got clarity on what she wanted me to do, then expressed frustration that my job was changing AGAIN.

And then, she fucking. She told me, Q U O T E,

"Nothing has changed, everything is the same as you've been told."

Are you FUCKING kidding me??????

MY ENTIRE JOB DESCRIPTION HAS CHANGED MORE TIMES THAN YOU HAVE FUCKING FINGERS. DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE TELL ME NOTHING HAS CHANGED.

"Nothing has changed."

EVERY ASPECT of my job has changed AT LEAST once, and several have been changed A DOZEN TIMES. In the last FEW WEEKS.

I am so FUCKING sick of this shit.

YES, ACTUALLY, IT HAS CHANGED. WHY THE F U C K K K K DO YOU THINK I'M FUCKING UPSET???

I am so fucking angry.

She's dismissed me like this before, and I just. I can't fucking take it. People completely invalidating me, gaslighting me, telling me that the thing I'm angry about doesn't even exist?? Fuck ALL the way off. I am so fucking angry. She CANNOT tell me "nothing has changed."

The issue is, I NEED this job because switching from cashiering to this romanticized bouncer/cop bullshit gave me a fifty cent raise, and I NEED that fucking money. They promised me 30+ hours a week after quarantine, and I've been getting 17-18 hours for almost all weeks since quarantine ended. I'm so fucking angry. AND, my coworker was denied a raise even though she's supposed to get one. So she quit. (Bless her, what a badass.) And like. I was TOLD that the only reason I didn't get a raise was because my fifty cent job raise was already counted as my yearly raise. But here's the thing. If I ask to go back to cashiering, now that a position has opened up, I almost certainly WON'T keep my fifty cent raise. And I'll try to fight to keep 25 cents of it, because I was SUPPOSED to get a raise anyway, but. Because my coworker didn't get one, and she's gotten Employee of the Month TWICE, and I only got it once a year and a half ago, there's almost no way they'll let me keep it. I won't have a raise. I'll go back to making $11.53 per hour, on 17 or less hours per week. And I quit food stamps because the rule changes were absolutely impossible to meet. Like, I'll have to get a second job ANYWAY, so why wouldn't I just quit? After how the company has treated me and my coworkers? I'm so fucking sick and tired of this shit. It shouldn't even be an issue.

Also, this manager has been being kinda rude to me on and off for a few weeks and I genuinely don't know what her deal is. We used to get along fine, but now she just. I don't know what her fucking problem is with me. She does something frustrating, and I get frustrated, and I speak in a tone I shouldn't use with a manager, but she sets me on fire every time. And I don't know WHY. She questions everything I do, asks me stupid questions, and then gets snarky with me whenever I get confused or irritated (which is a lot recently, because LITERALLY EVEYTHING HAS CHANGED SO MANY TIMES AND NO ONE FUCKING LISTENS TO ME AND THEN THEY GET SNOOTY WHEN I'M FRUSTRATED). The culture of this store used to make sense, but now it's sour and bitter and just plain bullshit.

After she told me point blank that the thing I'm upset about doesn't exist, in a dismissive tone, I might fucking add, I said, "Actually, it has changed. [Other manager] told me just this week that I'm supposed to [x]." And then she was like, "no, it's always been this. This is how they want us to do it."

No, it HASN'T always been this! You know how I know? Because the OLD STORE MANAGER TOLD ME A DIFFERENT STORY LAST WEEK RIGHT BEFORE SHE FUCKING RETIRED. No fucking wonder. I'd retire too if I could. All this fucking bullshit.

And now the coworker who kidnapped my friend and is just generally creepy and has NO respect for ANYONE but herself and plays the victim all the time has gone from the stock lead, which is a kinda-manager position but not technically, to an actual manager. So she traipses around the store hogging the clipboard that's SUPPOSED to stay up front for employees to look at because carrying it around makes her feel important. No, not important -- MORE important than the rest of us. She has NO IDEA what she's doing, she makes her coworkers AND a lot of customers VERY uncomfortable because she's overbearing and just generally never respects boundaries and you can SENSE that, and she's so fucking incompetent and has NO IDEA and she thinks she's better than everyone but she never fucking LISTENS to ANYTHING ANYONE SAYS. And now that she's a real manager I just... This has already been a shitshow, and it didn't have to be. And I'm seriously considering finding a new job.

I WANT to stay here, but. The culture has changed so much. And I have a feeling it's going to get WAY worse. I just don't know what to do. I NEED to talk to my therapist, but. I just don't know what to do.

I am so FUCKING angry.

And terrified. This manager has been weirdly snide to me for weeks. And she was really cold and distant to me for the rest of the day today. And I'm worried that after my arguing today, she's going to try to get me fired, or at least punished. And I'm so fucking angry. I know my managers won't listen to me because they already haven't. Nothing was done when my coworker K I D N A P P E D my friend. No one believed her. I was fucking THERE. And no one believed her even though I backed her up. Nothing ever happened. And then that shitty coworker started stalking my friend at work, and no one did anything about that, either. And if something THAT serious can go on with ZERO repurcussions, what the FUCK reason do they have to listen to me, a stressed out autistic who everyone thinks is dramatic and lazy (even though I actually care about my job and do my best every day, unlike half the people who fucking work there who NEVER get the kind of flak I do)??? I'm so fucking angry. This has been a long time coming and I can't fucking deal with it anymore. I have no idea what's going to happen.

[running-in-the-dark]

I just had my dentist appointment that was rescheduled a month ago (to finally fix that filling), and I asked if I could listen to music and it helped a lot 😌 I can't believe it took me 30 years to try that.

also, I think I'll finally try to find a new dentist now. it's been really annoying having to drive 30+ minutes to get there but tbh the main reason is that they got a new receptionist, I think last year, and she is so fucking rude (every single time). I was 5 minutes late today and before I could apologise and explain, she was already insulting me. like?? what??

I've been going to this dental office my entire life. I think when I still went with my mother I was late sometimes but I couldn't do anything about that since I was a child. but in the past 10 years I have been late maybe once or twice. and this woman thinks it's okay to be mean to me about 5 fucking minutes??

I told her if they can cancel my appointment right before it happens and make me wait an entire additional month then surely it's not that bad if I'm 5 minutes late. and she said something mean again. 🙄

I think my new meds must be starting to work because I was only annoyed and kinda pissed off, not absolutely terrified. a few months ago I probably would have started crying.