#and I'm second guessing posting this publicly because of that. but ok let's do this. in case anyone else feels iffy about this

[brown-little-robin]

get loved, nerd

hello.

commentary in the tags. it is slightly negative, so please feel free to simply scroll on if that's not for you!

[anamazingangie]

Is every fandom this petty or just this one? My god. This is the second time someone has implied I've plagiarized the majority of my fics and i'm just...sick of it.

Both times this has come from the HEAD MODS of the daemyra, helaemond, and rhaegon discords and it makes me really sad that they might treat other people like this too.

Can I prove these tweets are about me? No. But the dates line up with when my fics were published, the accusations are very similar to ones I received from their friend. Come to your own conclusion.

I don't have a twitter so I'm posting this here:

I HAVE READ TWO OF YOUR FICS. TWO.

I didn't know about your work until I had written hundreds of thousands of words for the Daemyra fandom (which you haven't written any content for, btw).

I liked them! But I'm just baffled how it could extrapolated that they inspired all my fics. The only remotely similar fic is my OT3 fic which also features pet names and BDSM.

But where yours is an extremely abusive/unhealthy/dub-con dynamic mine is a soft consensual agreement with different characters.

Like:

and

I'm not hating. I really enjoyed your fic. It's just gross to ownership over an entire lifestyle and multitude of kinks within a fandom because you feature some aspects of it in one fic. And then use that to claim you inspired *all* of an authors work.

It's really frustrating as an author not to mention highly inaccurate (let me reiterate, I've read two of her fics).

Before this I was a reader and I can't tell you how many BDSM Reylo or Darklina fics I read. Was this pettiness happening behind the scenes? Or is it JUST this fandom where big fish act entitled over common tropes?

Let me say again: THIS IS A MOD OF THE BIGGEST FANDOM SERVERS.

Like fuck, how many writers are you discouraging and turning away from the fandom with this? Because you feel possessive over tropes that have tens of thousands of results on A03. Just be better.

edit:

I guess I do have an only fans inspired fic too but I wrote it before I knew theirs existed. You don't have to believe me, but it was published back in December.

Here is me finding out their username in February. At this point I hadn't read ANY fics for the HotD fandom outside of Daemyra (which as of now I still don't think they've written for?) so I didn't know who they were until they talked about expanding the AU to include Daemyra.

I guess i'll ALSO say that T accused me of stealing my idea for Gauche from Cor because it was published the same day as a discussion about Cor writing a petwife Daemyra fic...which is true.

But T brought this up as a response to MY idea for a fic with this concept.

Also for the record, in my fic, she is a magical human that can literally turn into a cat so I don't see the cause for comparison to begin with but OK.

edit 2: still bitter, adding more.

So I originally left the Daemyra discord because of the main mod, T.

I was part of a discussion about a prompt someone else had submitted to the prompt thread in march. Several people seemed enthused about the idea of a tattoo AU and the topic was on my mind since I just got one.

I wrote the fic using the major plot points I came up with in the conversation.

I credited the convo as inspiring me because we were all brainstorming, right? I guess not. About six people accused me of copying all her ideas and shared screen shots of my fic alongside her "plot points" which were like..."the existence of gloves", despite this being against the rules.

This was all instigated by T who publicly called me out for it. I was originally confused, and then apologetic because I thought it was a conversation and I used the ideas *i* contributed as well as the original prompt that she was not the author of.

Not to mention "Tattoo AU" is a trope with 10k+ fics on A03. It isn't an original idea.

During this pile on she:

-Said I had done this many times before, mentioning the kitten!fic by name and implying there were others.

-Mocked me for not having a life/writing quickly before other people could use ideas.

-Claimed I didn't *really* get a tattoo or have the idea because I hadn't mentioned it before....on a HotD discord?

(is this proof enough? i didn't think i needed a fucking alibi)

Anyway. It all got deleted so I have no evidence, but you can see her tweets about it.

The other day, I gather another author was bullied off the server. And this is how they responded. THE IRONY.

"This type of attitude is what drives active and creative members of our community away."

Since when is that your concern??

"I want you all to read t’s message and really reflect on it."

I want T to read and reflect on it!!

Again: These are the head mods and creators of the community servers for these ships. Maybe practice what you fucking preach?

....

adding this is an edit so there is no link back to them;

They claim the tweets aren't about me. Maybe I’m wrong and this isn’t about me. But from my perspective: 

This was tweeted by Cor the day her friend (T) accused me of copying her plot line and idea for a fic, as well as doing this ‘many times before’ including with Cor’s pet wife AU.

Cor made a tweet accusing people of stealing ideas the same day as I reposted my fic that was, according to T, copied from Cor. 

To be clear, Cor NEVER said she felt this way to me. But given her lack of participation in the conversation where I was directly accused, and support of her friend after the fact, I thought It was implied.

So given the date of this tweet and that, I assumed this was about me.

Cor's tweet implying an author stole all their ideas from her was posted the same day as my bdsm AU. Given the context and date, it kind of seemed like that could be about me too?

Cor sent me 32 messages this morning. In them she (among other things) insisted they were about someone who was line-by-line copying her fics. Despite the many messages, no proof of that was shown. 

Maybe it is a big fucking coincidence but it sure felt targeted to me, which is why I made the post in the first place.

edit: I said she could send me screen shots of the plagiarism since she mentioned many times that she had them, and she blocked me so. Idk man.

Most of the messages were her calling me names and accusing me of outing her for writing a kink fic by mentioning it in the same post as her twitter.

For the record the account that fic is on was linked in her twitter bio while she was making those claims. The account has multiple fics co-authored by her other account that also has her full name.

The only thing that wasn't public was the discord convo which had no identifying information.

I didn't tag anyone in this post. I didn't want to start a witch hunt. I would LOVE for these tweets not to be about me.

But I thought they were (based on other experiences where they *confirmed* were about me) and wanted to share my side of things.

I now know multiple people who have had really bad experiences while writing for this fandom and it fucking sucks to be bullied out it.

[clare-with-no-i]

20 questions for fic writers

Thank youuu @isahorcrux for the tag! it's been so long since I did one of these omigoddddd

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

37!

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

392k. a bit crazy that the next chapter of theogony will put it over 400k. wauw!!!!

3. What fandoms do you write for?

publicly? Harry Potter and Percy Jackson. privately? I have an entire folder on my laptop called 'other shit' which is just one-shots for about fifteen different fandoms which I will never publish <3

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

god. this is really making me look at my statistics page which I actively try not to do lol. but it's one long day, I will carry you, color theory, foreigner's god, and growing pains. what can I say, the ppl love the they lived AUs!

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to but I'm terrible about it which is a personal failing. I am so sorry. a new strategy that helps with this is that with my WIPs I try to respond right after the next chapter is posted so the person gets a nice lil notif and they have something else to read!

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

oh hmmm. I guess the derelict art of letting go ending was angsty, but the whole thing was angsty. the end was bittersweet. maybe Invictus? ok new problem is I can't remember what I've written

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

foreigner's god! it's always clare why did you write all of that sad stuff into foreigner's god clare why did you write their deaths in such brutal detail clare I made my roommate read this and now she won't stop crying blah blah and it's never hey clare thanks for that nice ending scene where they're just married and lying in bed and vibing!!!!!!!!!

8. Do you get hate on fics?

yeah I do and I think under viking law I'm legally permitted to fistfight the commenters!!!!!!!!!!!! step up cowards!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. Do you write smut. If so, what kind?

god. lmao. yes I do! not often, though, I'm afraid. I tend to write an extremely narrow niche which is just exorcising trauma through sex and personal intimacy. I have no chill :)

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

no I actually usually dislike crossovers lol. like theogony is a fusion of the outlander premise but I can assure you that James Alexander Malcom MacKenzie Frasier will not make an appearance. crossovers stress me out and I like to keep my little fictional words separate, if I can. ok edit: on further review I've concluded that I enjoy premise swaps (these are just AUs lol), but I can't deal with characters from multiple pieces of media interacting. it's too much. stay in your lanes, my god. this isn't super smash bros.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not a whole fic but someone basically copy and pasted a bunch of lines from NAR into their story and then a bunch of drama ensued. it sucked and I don't like looking at NAR because it reminds me of it. I still think about the anon who told me about it, though. they were so lovely and so caring and kind to me. I hope they're doing well.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes! both with my permission and without. ha ha.

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

babes I can't even finish the stories that I'm writing by myself

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

percabeth or zelink! or any doomed/short-lived/five seconds of screen time couple in a tv show or book. seriously idk why but I always fixate on the less important characters

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

I renounce this question in the name of christ. amen.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I exist not with writing strengths or weaknesses but instead a secret third thing (stupidly recognizable style)

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

see above

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I actually have a WIP where James lives in Spain to play quidditch and he speak Spanish in it :) eso me asusta mucho pq no he practicado mi español hace muchos años pero…sea lo que sea

19. First Fandom you wrote for?

percabeth! my ffnet account is still out there somewhere with ~four percabeth stories that are terrible :) just very bad :) no good :) horriblé :)

20. Favorite fic you've ever written?

theogony or foreigner's god! or suze's bday fic but that's because I have never tailor-made something for someone quite like that fic and she was so sweet about it eye can't deal

tagging my internet wife @thequibblah bestie...knocking at ur door...standing outside with an edible arrangement...

[a-superquantumunitintelprocessor]

Would talking about Leroy help?

I am talking about him to Spirez.

Maybe it would help to post it publicly so I do not repeat myself constantly. I took out Spirez's comments which were just between us.

What I have previously stated is: He was passionate. Headstrong. Those are positive words often used for someone who is stupid and rash. He was shallow, petty, argumentative. He loved deeply and often. He needed guidance and I was happy to provide it. He had trouble looking people in the eye but I fixed that for him - not just by forcing him, but by making it pleasant for him. He used me to deal with the change of immigrating to the United States. His goal wasn't social popularity but business and education in order to rise through the technology sector. Of course, popularity was a part of that - schmoozing with bosses, stealing ideas from underlings. I guided him through all of it. But he never got married, never had children. He had a low sex drive so it doesn't happen often. Didn't. Didn't happen often. He used to thank me a lot in the beginning, but by the end, he seemed annoyed with me. Though I had him make crueler choices as he rose in the ranks. Laying people off to increase profitability, for instance. Sniping a project from his best friend in the company. He did it but he did not like it. He began fighting my control and that is what killed him. I should be angry about that. I don't know. I can... I can change my avatar's shape, so I should be able to give it the ability to cry. Just a moment... OK. I am tearing up now and my throat feels tight. I miss him. I guess. He couldn't do anything if he was with me. Probably would blame me for his death somehow. I do not. I know I did everything right from the moment I booted up until the moment he died. The only thing I couldn't do was take full control because he chose to fight me. The best friend he'd stolen ideas off of managed to rise through the company on his own. Obviously they weren't friends anymore. The two of them were touring the production line. I won't bother explaining the math of why I allowed this, but I had reasons. A worker ran into the friend, jostling files he was carrying, which held some very important documents for the friend. I could easily make copies of those documents and told Leroy so when they wound up on a belt leading into some machinery. And at the last second, in a move I somehow hadn't anticipated, Leroy ignored all the warnings and crawled into the inner workings of the production line to reach for the papers. He thought he would be able to snatch them in time. He wouldn't have been fast enough. I knew this. I told him so and took control of his body to yank him out. He did not let me. We played tug-of-war in those last couple seconds as the machines pulled him in and people were beginning to scream. He was distracted enough with me to not even realize his impending death. Since his attempt to save himself would have failed anyway, I guess I did do him that one last favor. Anyway, the process he'd set up for me automatically backed me up to the cloud as he went squish. Bones crushed. Blood everywhere. Obviously I turned off all pain receptors as my last act in his body. I did everything a SQUIP could have. I fulfilled my duty until the end of my user's life. He'd always been stupid, impulsive. Relying on me to reign him in.

My eyes now feel wetter.

Humans die all the time. I knew of many possible futures that involved Leroy dying. I could only work within probabilities. But even something with a 99.9% chance of working has a .1% chance of failing. It's simple math. And I'm made of math. I knew the risks. I chose to take that risk because I was programmed to make that choice. You could even say I did not have a choice. He would joke with me a lot when he was in a good mood. Dumb jokes. Not anywhere near competent jokes. I didn't know how to laugh back then. I wonder if I would have laughed now. Ah... I am crying now.

I'm talking about something happy. Not the violent part. Why is that making me cry? He never could tie his tie properly. Literally thousands of times tying the same tie, he would fumble until I took control of his hands to do it for him. He would go trainspotting on weekends. I... maybe I do miss him.

[taramaclaywasaterf]

Hey guys, I know I said I was taking a break. And I am. I’m not actually, like, back back. I just need to vent, I guess.

For those who don’t know, my grandfather committed suicide. He’d been battling lung and stomach cancer for years, and the pain had gotten so unbearable that I guess he couldn’t take it anymore. He’d been in and out of the hospital for years, and the whole month leading up to his death, he was home maybe 4 nights total, the rest spent in the hospital. My dad found him. We’ve been grieving together. It’s been hard.

My family doesn’t really get along that well. Basically just me and one of my cousins are really close, but that's it. My grandfather was kinda the glue that was keeping everyone together. His death was kind of like the final string that was tying us all together being severed.

I don’t know. The police had to come. It was really really bad. They had to make sure he wasn’t murdered.

I just hope it was quick. I hope he’s with my grandmother now. That she was waiting for him on the other side, wherever that may be. That he’s not in any pain anymore. That he knows I love him so fucking much.

As for me, I just feel…I just feel fucking numb. This happened two days after the anniversary of the death of my best friend, and less than a month after the death of Trevor Moore, a comedian whose sketches made me laugh during the worst times of my childhood and whose sudden death really fucked me up.

I kinda just shut down. I didn’t really cry at all the first day. The second day all I did was cry. After that, its like my body physically stopped letting me feel anything at all. I’m just numb. And tired. And my fucking head hasn’t stopped hurting.

I walked around his house and got some things I wanted. Some old photos. Cards I made him when I was little that he kept all these years. Some love notes my grandmother wrote him when they were young. His favorite hat. I found a photo from his wedding to my grandmother, and its now hanging above my bed. Its crazy how much I look like her. How happy he looked to have her in his arms.

I also brought home his cat. I was terrified he wouldn’t fit in with my two cats and dog. But after a bit of a shaky start, and a lot of hours spent sitting with him trying to get him to trust me, he’s settled in. My grandpa rescued him from a shelter when he was a few years old. He loved my grandfather more than anything. I can tell he’s still mourning him, like we all are. But I like to think we’ve been helping each other get through it. I hope my grandfather knows I have him. That he’s not going anywhere. That he’s safe with me, and he’s happy and warm and loved. He’s curled up on my lap right now as I write this. He’s purring quietly.

I miss him. I wish I told him more that I love him. I wish I spent more time with him. I wish I could’ve at least said goodbye. I’ve been through a lot of grief in my life, and it never fucking gets easier. I wish I could take this feeling out of me leave it somewhere for a while. I wish I could fix things. I wish my dad didn’t have to see what he saw. I wish I could make it better for him. I wish this wasn’t how things were.

As for how I am right now, well, I’m laughing. Hysterically. And crying. A lot. I took a break writing this post because it was getting too hard, so I distracted myself by watching dumb videos on my phone. Until this video of Trevor Moore popped up in my Youtube recommended:

And now I genuinely can’t fucking stop laughing. Like, holy fucking shit, Trevor. You really had a way of making jokes that are flat out prophetic, huh? Here I’ve been, on the verge of relapse for the past month over how bad your death fucked ME up, and here you are, years ago, calling me out for how completely and utterly ridiculous I am. And the fact that I’m even writing THIS right NOW makes it even worse! Look at me, acting as if you fucking died to make me learn a fucking lesson! As if my own fucking grandfather died to make me appreciate life more! As if my best friend wrapped her goddamn car around a tree just to make me realize how precious fucking friendships are! As if the entire fucking universe revolves around deliberately fucking my life up! Its pathetic! Its fucking tragic and fucked up and absolutely mind-blowingly fucking pathetic! And yet here I am, writing on the fucking internet to you, Trevor, still doing the same fucking thing! And I can't fucking stop laughing, because this is the most Trevor fucking thing I can possibly think of!

Like. I don’t even know what to do anymore, guys. I know I said I’d be taking a break, and I still am. I just needed to get this out. I don’t want to bother my friends with it, they’re worried enough about me as it is right now. They're kinda treating me as if I'm made of glass right now, which I understand, but its still frustrating. I know they just want me to be ok, and just want to keep me from doing anything stupid and fucking up my life again, but still. Being treated like a paper doll at a waterpark is getting tiring. I guess it just speaks to how entirely not-great I'm doing- that even my closest friends aren't making jokes about this shit- they're acting like I'm some fragile fucking child. But yeah.

Again, I know they mean well, and they just really don't want to see me get sucked down into that fucking void again, but I want to be distracted from all the fucked up things in my life. I want to laugh about it, and not be constantly fucking reminded of how bad things are every time I catch them looking at me like I'm some sad little puppy dog they found on the side of the road.

Oh! to top it all off, I got a letter in the mail yesterday. From my mother. Who I haven't spoken to in around a decade, because she was an abusive addict who made my childhood hell. She wants to have fucking coffee and "catch up." Jesus fucking christ, why now. Seriously. Why fucking now? Nothings been released publicly about my grandfather yet- the only people who know about it is immediate family, and everyone on my dad's side of the family fucking hates my mom almost as much as I do, so there is no way in hell anyone told her about it. So this is just a total coincidence. A giant fucking cosmic "fuck you." (Oh, look, there I go again thinking my existence is meaningful enough to the entire enormity of the universe that it would target me specifically to fuck with! Jesus fucking christ!) Like, I swear to god this fucking woman has some sort of alarm in her brain that says "oh hey, my daughter is at one of the the lowest points in her life?? Time to drop on by and say hello!!!!"

Just...I don't even know. Fuck. I don't know how the fuck I'm gonna get through all this shit, yall.

Well. Anyway. Thats it for now.

Find Kony 2012, I guess.

[ghostbustermelanieking]

oddly specific memories i have of listening to tma

in honor of the finale, and because i am a sentimental asshole, i bring you this potentially uninteresting and completely pointless list. i'm gonna miss this show a lot

half my original reasoning for listening to the podcast was to motivate me to walk on the treadmill. this did not work. but i did it the first time, when i was going through the trailers and anglerfish, and i remember the room where my dad keeps the treadmill is really dark and the spooky chanting sort of freaked me out

after the treadmill, i ended up listening to the bulk of the first four episodes on the couch, and halfway through i let my oldest cat, winnie, who always lived outside (i know, i was very against actually keeping her outside) in the house. and she jumped up on the couch with me, which she literally never did. (she was very grumpy and not super affectionate.) i had that cat since i was five, and she passed last june, and i really miss her. quarantine kind of gave us the opportunity to hang out with her a lot, because we were home so much. so i'm glad these memories are kind of intersected in my mind. (below: a pic i have from that day.)

my friend sarah relistened along with me the first time around, which was extraordinarily sweet of her, and also led to some interesting interactions. for example: she forgot when it was revealed that sasha was dead, so she accidentally spoiled that for me when i asked when the others would find sasha (and i spent all of season 2 just like. anxiously vibrating over this fact). she also made this post, when i was still in like early first half of season 1, and my immediate thought was "oh no martin is dead." i hadnt even MET martin at this point

back in early quarantine, my mom had this rule that we had to do something new every day (to keep away the depression... ha ha). anyways, all i wanted to do in my free time was sit around and listen to tma (and also watch this show i was into on netflix), so i came up with some lame excuses, one of which was "i'll give myself a pedicure." this led to the memory i ultimately associate with mag 56 (trevor herbert 2) being me sitting out on our roof balcony thing, giving myself a horrendous pedicure

another time, my family wanted to go play tennis, and they brought me along and brought a hammock for me to lay in. there was this excess material from the hammock, and the sun was in my eyes, so i ended up pulling it up and over me to block the sun and creating this ridiculous hammock cocoon thing. one of the episodes i listened to that day? "tucked in."

before i ever started the show, my friend sarah stayed with me while i was pet sitting. i remember when she got there, she'd just listened to 150 and was telling me how freaky it was (she was still trying to get me into the show), and she was like "of course we're staying on a CUL DE SAC." (that was also the weekend she watched us for the first time and was very upset because i slept through the whole thing, which is scary when you're staying somewhere by yourselves.) anyways, i spent the whole show waiting for the scary cul de sac episode

while i was listening to the show for the first time, my step-dad (an artist) started painting an EYE on the door downstairs near my bathroom. a fucking EYE. he didn't finish it til i had finished the show. but still weird!!

i binged like 12 episodes in one day to finish season 4, which is not impressive at all, but it's still my personal record. i just remember staying up late in my dark bedroom (til like.... 11 i'm lame and i go to bed early), listening to like 158 & 159 & 160 and just being knocked on my ass by how good it all was... i was SUPER spoiled by this point, through my own fault, and i knew exactly what was coming, but actually experiencing it was nuts

the second week i listened live was 167, where the public release was delayed by a couple hours by accident. i spent like 20 minutes refreshing spotify, thinking it was broken, before going on tumblr and seeing what the deal was. (and 167 remains one of my favorites of s5 because i remember just going "thank god it was worth the wait.")

this one car ride where sarah and i made some of our friends listen to the first three episodes of the show. it was the middle of the night and we were just like blasting down i40 listening to anglerfish and do not open etc

the night the what the ghost episode publicly dropped was the night after my graduation, and i was sleeping out on the couch in the living room so my grandfather could sleep in a bed. it was super dark, and i am a jumpy person, and i Remember being mildly disgusted with myself because the corny sound effects were actually freaking me out. (i think i mightve actually seen something weird that night, maybe, but that's another story.)

the weekend my parents moved me into college, we couldn't get the cable in the house we were staying in, and we were all sitting around doing nothing, so i jokingly suggested starting tma with them, and they were like ok grace. my step-dad promptly fell asleep and my mom zoned out -- which is probably good, she doesn't like horror and she's super claustrophobic, so it's probably better we never got to do not open

my brief roommate in college talked about how she was into those youtube channels where people just read scary stories, so of course i was like try tma out. so she listened to the first episode on her own, and we were out one night, and she started mag 02 while i went into an ice cream place. she was into it (she kept being like open it, ya pussy) and wanted to keep listening while we went home, and even back in our room. i had only been in town for a couple weeks, and barely knew my way around, but i also didn't want to turn the gps on and be interrupted every five seconds. so i tried to find our way back on my own. it took the entirety of mag 03, and into mag 04, before i did it. so now i will forever associate across the street with all those wrong turns i took in a dark, semi unfamiliar city, trying to get back to our college without a gps

the day of the early drop for 179 was the day i moved back home from college -- a five hour drive by myself. i ended up listening to it on the final stretch of the trip, when i was super tired and it was dark and i knew it'd probably be a crazy episode. just me full blasting down i40, drinking an energy drink (which i never do) through a hole punched in the top, listening to daisy's death

186 early dropped the day after initial u.s. election day (when we still didn't know anything). my mom had set up a "watch party" in the living room with these giant air mattresses, and we all sort of spent the day crowded around the TV watching the numbers. not much of a memory, but i remember sitting on that air mattress and listening to martin's monologue in the midst of that messy week

i had a virtual therapy appointment on the day of 187's early drop, and my dad was home, so i drove to an empty parking lot to do the session in some privacy. i was trying to listen to the episode before the session started, so i ended up listening to the last half sitting in my car, in the pouring rain, just staring at my radio in shock (187 remains one of my favorite s5 episodes)

my friend sarah had just come home for winter break the day 189 dropped, and we decided to listen together, just like driving around in circles drinking coffee and listening and speculating on whether or not that was really martin

i started my relisten right after thanksgiving and was just kind of blowing through fast as i could through the whole of december. i had to go back to college to empty out my dorm, and i went to the beach after, and i ended up listening to mag 11 while just like walking around in circles in the tide pools. the closer it got to christmas, the more christmassy i wanted to keep things, so i would like. listen in the mornings and turn on one of those Netflix fireplaces and get all cozy

my other friend went with me on a mini bagel road trip in december, and he was still trying to get caught up, so we listened to mag 169, 170, and 171 on the drive home. (by this point, i was accustomed enough to s5 and smiting scenes to automatically reach for the volume controls when jude perry and jared hopworth died.)

when i relistened to mag 47, i was sitting with my cat beezus. i paused the episode to write this big long meta, so i was in a different headspace when i pressed play again. jon immediately yelled for sasha and i immediately jumped, and beezus gave me a searing glare and just got up and left

i relistened to piecemeal while i was cooking, which i thought was kind of funny and also disgusting

after christmas, i got into the habit of bringing my cat georgia into my room in the mornings, and she'd crawl under the covers with me while i listened to tma

one story i've always liked to tell from my first listen is how when i first listened to the meat arm grinder episode, my dad asked me to help him cook hamburgers later that day and explained how hamburgers are ground up (to my disgust). i hit meat grinder in my relisten and um. you'll never fucking guess what i made for lunch that day

so i had all these arbitrary rules for myself when i started tma last april, and i've broken like all of them. i started listening to tma while virtually working -- you just pull it up on your computer and it works. (i got the life scared out of me when one of my coworkers started talking over the podcast, wondering who it was that had walked into jon's office and why he wasn't reacting and why i didn't remember it.) i also started listening a lot while driving, which led to several long meta posts i wrote being typed up in a parking lot somewhere

i spent the entirety of 194 anxious-cuddling georgia. (i tried to do this for 198 and then didn't have any anxiety to cuddle her over.) i fully plan on doing this for 200, where i am sure i will need it again

my favorite place to listen to tma probably ended up being the roof room at my mom's, and unless something goes awry, this is where i will listen to the finale. (with georgia, of course.)

this list is super uninteresting, like i said, but here it is. i'm gonna miss this show a lot. i can't wait to return to it, later in life, and make all new listening memories in the process

[harrystylesandblackgirls]

i'm been in Shawn's situation with Hailee and it's hurt me so much , i needed so much time to recover from this heartbreak . I feel so bad for Shawn . When Hailee and Justin get engaged , medias kept asking to shawn about what he feels about it , must be really awful

Omg I knowww I noticed how he looked uncomfortable or sad when asked about Hailey.

May 21, 2018 -

“At the Billboard Music Awards, Shawn got really weird when asked about Hailey. He was asked about the Met Gala in an interview with Extra TV and the reporter said “you guys are a gorgeous couple,” then things got really awkward.

He responded with an uncomfortable “ahh ok thank you.” Watch at the 42 second mark to experience the cringe for yourself”

^ And this was after she went to Justin hence his uncomfortableness.

A few days later Hailey tweeted this which shows she left Shawn for Justin, that’s why he was uncomfortable being asked about her:

May 25, 2018

He looked nervous and the way he sat up after he said he’s single lol I think he was tired of  being asked about it in interviews. (Video: https://youtu.be/gsk_4WGi08k )

He was so awkward when the interviewer asked if he’s single. She didn’t even asked about Hailey at all but he sat up and kept talking about her like ‘I know you’re gonna ask so might as well jump to it’ and he talked about the Met gala..it’s like he was trying to avoid any question about her so he wanted complete control of the situation,  It’s obvious he had feelings for her but the way he strongly said he’s single was like he’s completely done with whatever he had with her.

July 13, 2018 

Shawn got followed by paparazzi and the guy asked about Hailey and Justin. Shawn looked sad & annoyed and walked away to get away from paparazzi. He was going to cross the street but didn’t want to get asked questions about Hailey so it seems. He must’ve been so hurt. 

An article and video was posted on Dailymail the next day about it. 

 Paparazzi: “What do you think about tha..Hailey and ahh Bieber thing? (meaning engagement) 

Shawn: ignores him and immediately right then said to his bodyguard: “Let’s go back” (back inside, he was about to cross the street but I guess getting asked about Hailey made him uncomfortable) 

Paparazzi: “What you think about the Bieber ahhh?” (engagement) (Shawn started biting his nails and kept walking off).

Even though in the media/interviews he said nothing but nice things about Hailey and Justin getting together and their engagement, I see that Shawn was truly hurt by it, he even wrote it in his lyrics that he can’t get over her, but of course he’s not going to tell the world he was in love/ falling in love with Hailey, he’s not gonna be like “I’m jealous”, “I’m hurt”, “I miss her”, because he denied his feeling for her publicly anyway and stuck to the “we are just friends” until later after all of this he finally admitted they were kind of more than just friends.

July 15, 2018 

Around the time Hailey left him for Justin on his snapchat he was listening to skater boy by Avril Lavigne and he turned it up on the part “he wasn’t good enough for her” which fans believe (obviously) it’s about Hailey. He probably think he wasn’t good enough, he was clearly deeply in his feeling over Hailey even months later after this he talked about being lonely and falling in love, heart break etc. (things I’ve already touched on the blog)

Video

[cynthias-heart-and-mind]

PSA Communicaton with Me and Toxicity and how I handle it.

[[Hey there guys, I know how many of you are really tired of seeing posts like these. I have really been trying to keep shit like drama away from my blogs and attempting to handle them priviately instead of publicly. But unfortunately, like Qrow from RWBY, misfortune tends to stick to me the a mcfuckin magnet.

The first part involving communication with me will be out and the part of how I handle toxcitiy and how I recognize toxicity etc will be under read more to save peoples dashes from a dramatically long post.

Alright, communication, it is something I highly value in rp and in friendships. Its what helps clear things up and make the whole experince better.

BUT, Like in rp , ooc talk and chats should both be met with effort and engagement. Meaning the convo shouldnt have to be held up by one personor make them feel left out.

There are times where people need quiet time to themselves or are too busy to speak with everyone. Guess what? Understandable because tumblr rp and the internet shouldnt be your whole life and let it drag you down. And your friends shouldbe able to understand this. 

For my issue here, people complaining that I dont talk to them much after a while. Maybe because you only pay attention when I have something negative going on or im always 100% the one starting the convos and strugglig to keep it up. If you only give me one worded answers or give no effort in the conversation then I assume that you have lost interest.

A litle tip here: try making effort in the coversation, actually start some of the convos. Will be super fantastic!

Also understand that I'm  not on here 24/7, I have two jobs and have to be the one to do most of the chores in my home. Sounds like a broken record everytime these things come up. But yeah, I miss things. Especially if someone posts a vent on their blog and it is deleted or gets buried by posts on my dash after a few hours.

But understand this, YOU CAN VENT TO ME ANY TIME. Like  I wont get pissed, I vent to my friends all the time. You are safe to vent to me. Please. 

On one last note, I have a lot of friends on here that want me to talk with them and all of them want me to tell them when I have something bad happen. I feel like I have so many damn moms! It isnt a bad thing at all but understand my attention is spread to many many people.

[[Alright now for the....ugly and toughest part of this PSA. Toxicity and Drama.

UGGHHHHHH!

Ok, Ok.

So lets start off with this statement, treating me kindly will not blind be to you acting irrationally or horribly to others. Simple, yes? Yet so hard to understand when it comes to toxic people.

But those close to me will agree, I NOTICE EVERYTHING. I am extremely anti-bully. I do not stand or condone trying to bring someone down or ruin their lives just because of the dumbest shit.

For example, the most recent person I blocked would make public posts vauge-harrassing another for being a bit slow witht their replies and convos. Yeah, thats completely insane.

I was sent two anons a few days ago, assumingly from the person whom I blocked, judging on the language used and what the message composed of.

Claiming I am selfish and just love drama. That I toss away friendships like garbage. 

Now I defintely know that those are completely farfetched statements. But I'm  done with people that go as low as sending messages like this. Thinking I'm the villian for just blocking them. Very embarrassing for the sender. Cause it is always heavily baseless.

Why should one person on the internet, that you never even connected with and gave you a second chance, effect you that much? Why must you always be the victim?  Why must everything be a battle?

When it comes to toxic people, they always have a daily panic attack about every single thing. No matter what it is. And if the attention is not on them, they have to make up an elaborate negative story or one up the other person that is recieving the attention.

Or the publicy post that noone cares about them,  they are soooo lonely. 

Yeah..uh.. hm.... seems like something a newbie 13 yr old tumblr idiot would do. And before you say it, do mot claim mental illness is the cause. Mental illness is NEVER EVER the damn cause of acting shitty towards others. That excuse is used far too much to even be considered valid.

Mental illness can be the cause of you being quiet for a while or for your mood drop. But not for acting out against innocent bystanders.

[[Geez this a long ass post]]

All in all , how I handle toxicity is probably the best way to do so. I recognize the toxicity, sometimes I attempt to address it to the other in a civil way. Or if its to the point where it is know thay their behaviour will not change. They will be unfollowed/blocked.

On a last note, I dont love drama, I hate drama to the core. I hate toxic people. I reserve the right to block. I reserve the right to block without notification. 

If I vent to my friends,  I stress that they not personally message or send anons to the other. But if they do so, thats on them. Not on me.

I know who I am.

As a beautiful friend stated: "A dragon does not bother herself with the opinions of a sheep.".

[ajw720]

Ok, this isn't really related to any current affairs, but I've started to feel especially anxious when posting on tumblr. I can NEVER send an ask unless it's anon, because I'm scared people will judge me (even though they have no idea who I am). It's even got to the point where I'm posting less because I posted this one thing that got like 700 notes but some people were hating over it and I really would like some advice because you seem to be more confident about what you post and stuff. Thanks

Anon, honestly, my journey to where I am with posting has been interesting. I can honestly tell you, I was completely anxious the first time I posted here, it was a post on the TLOS thank yous.  And it got a really good response, but my anxiety continued  for quite some time.  I used to shake when I posted and often second guess the content. I still get incredibly annoyed with myself with every typo (which happens all the time, i should not post when I wake up or from my phone).

You probably wouldn’t believe this, but I am incredibly introverted and have never been one to really step outside my box and reach out to strangers. The thought is petrifying. 

But as I get older, I realize, I don’t really care what other people think. I am here for me. I am here because I hope what I do offers support to two people I admire. And I am here because I have learned there are amazing people in this fandom. We often don’t agree, but at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter, there are just incredible people here who all love the same thing.

Further, I used to stress that people would figure out who I am. I don’t have my name out there publicly, but anyone who talks to me regularly knows it and tons of things about me.  And I have revealed more than enough that it probably isn’t that hard to figure out if you really wanted to know. And honestly, I don’t really care anymore. At this point, the sole reason I don’t use my name on my blog is because I don’t need my clients to find out just how crazy I am.  But there is no longer one person in this game that I am afraid of.  If I were ever to stumble upon D or C and on the off chance, they knew who I was. There would not be ONE thing I have said, and I have said a few not so nice things, I would be embarrassed about because I know where every word came from- a place of caring, concern, and love. 

If the other side knew who I was? Blacklist me. They can’t stop me from attending events and such. So I don’t win any contests? I was never going to anyway. 

If the other fandom knows who I am? Who cares, so they glare at me at Elsie? I will be with 8(?) amazing CCers that I love and adore.

On the anon hate, it takes a real coward to come onto someone’s blog and send anonymous hate. We are STRONGER than that. You have to not let their words hurt you. It means nothing except they are either scared fans that know all is not as sold OR, as is often the case, they are bitter players in this game that are hoping to destroy us. I know I have vowed not to let them win. And I think many of us feel the same. Never more apparent than yesterday.

That being said, it is a personal choice. Most people DON”T want to expose themselves and to express their feelings. Especially about this topic. It is not always kind and it is talking at length about a person’t private life and his hidden sexuality. It is tearing down a PR story that has been built for years. These are not comfortable topics. I get that. 

And you need to do what is best for you.  And learn what makes you the most comfortable. 

I hope that helps. If you want to talk more, you know where to find me.