#and I'm gonna be at my sister's house ALL NEXT WEEKEND I'm so fucking tired

[essektheylyss]

[covered in blood] I have survived running a bachelorette party and I will never be doing that again

[disease-danger-darkness-silence]

I have been spending the last four hours switching between googling the cheapest cities to live in where weed is legal and you won't get gang-raped for being Trans-spec, googling countries that will pay you to move there and be a warm body in a village, and considering checking myself in for a 72-hour suicide hold.

I went to my mom, sister, and brother's house and wound up telling them about the situation, which is - we're supposed to be out of here this weekend and we have nowhere to go because our transitional housing fell through. I'm Feeling a lot of Feels because I already have put Kono through hell by rehoming her with my brother, I can't seem to make money to save my life, I'm on a new ADHD med, I'm Tired of fighting life all the time, and I am possibly going to be homeless after this weekend. Anyway.

My sister and I got into a screaming match because I am having a mental breakdown and mom and her kept trying to solve shit, and I talked to three different case workers today with three different areas of expertise, as well as my own searching skills (which are pretty damn good), and none of us has found a solution. I meant it in a, "Hey, could you STOP because I'm already PANICKING and NOT NEAR ANY KLONOPIN," kind of way but instead, I chose violence and said, "What makes y'all think you're gonna find a solution the four of us couldn't?" You know, how you do.

And my sister got snippy, and my mom did a little too but I think she understood more that I was Freaking Out. She understands a little more than my sister does the concept of imminent homelessness and what it means. My sister has mostly had housing guaranteed her entire life. Mom and I haven't. So I think she kind of understood a little more. She was still pissed tho.

Shit came to a boil and I exploded because of some shit my sister said, and I said some shit back, and she said she wasn't gonna help and to get the fuck out, etc. My niece was freaking out during all of this, too - I'm convinced she has PTSD because of her dad, but my sister doesn't believe in mental illness or something nowadays so idk what to do about it.

I blocked her on all platforms because every time I talk to her, I feel like I'm being done a favor to be held over my head, or just bad about myself. And yeah, that's probably an indication that I need to switch up my antidepressants, but she refuses to even take hers. And I was already... Not well, mentally. My mom sarcastically told me that that would help the problem and I responded and she hasn't responded back so I'm gonna just assume I'm persona non grata for the next few days. It's fine. 🙃

When I got home, I had to pee, and when I finished I just stared at all of the pills I have in stock, to manage all of the things that are wrong with Raven and I. I know the right combinations to make me go to sleep peacefully and then just go. I even know what the dosages should be for someone of my height, weight, and drug tolerance. It wasn't good.

I guess I should be thrilled that my gun didn't even enter my mind as a way to kill myself - I don't even want to kill other things with it. It's a threat display, not a means to an end. So... Yay?

Raven was there in the most awesome ways possible. I am not gonna go into that because I don't want to discuss how shitty I was being and feeling but Raven helped. A lot.

So I learned that 1. My sister needs to fix her shit. 2. I need to fix my shit. 3. Guns aren't even on my radar as a suicide method, score one for staying alive today, 4. Raven is amazing. 5. Italy looks nice. 6. I'm fucked.

I'm just... Tired. You know? I'm tired of fighting the system tooth and nail to survive. I'm tired of not being able to work. I'm tired of having shitty knees that are going to take DoorDashing away from me soon enough - the pain I'm in while driving is immense. I'm tired of being in pain, all the time, and of having to just grit my teeth because I dislike narcotics. I'm tired of capitalism making me feel like a failure, and I'm tired of not being able to work hard enough to be a success despite that. I'm tired of being a flake and not being able to do anything by myself anymore. I'm tired of memory loss and being so reliant on pills that make my stomach hurt and being pushed towards dementia early to get a tiny bit of function. I'm tired of not being able to shower every day or do the dishes every evening. I'm tired of not being able to cook because standing upright is Too Much.

I'm tired.

I'm just tired.

[getitinbusan]

The Big Bang

Yoongi SMUT

Happy 4th of July to my Dirty Little American Friends

Nervous didn't even begin to describe it. Terrified, panic stricken, petrified, you were experiencing all of it. 

Usually the one to calm your anxiety, you looked at your boyfriend, Yoongi was just as bad off as you. 

"It's going to be fine, they'll love you because I love you."

You squeezed his hand trying to reassure him as much as yourself. "So because they have no choice?" He laughed a little. 

"Fuck, you know I didn't mean it like that." 

You pulled the car into the driveway and took a deep breath, "It'll be good... I promise." 

Not that it wasn't awkward, it really was, but things were going smoother than expected. 

Studying his English diligently since you'd met, he was trying really hard to make conversation. Standing back you watched him, beer in hand talking to your Dad as he grilled. 

You loved him. He was so far from home, so far from his comfort zone but here he was, just for you. 

Catching his eye you couldn't help but light up, he smiled at you as you made your way over. 

"Try this," you held the fork to his mouth. "umm, It's good." 

"It's mom's Dorito Salad." 

"When we get home you should make it for Jeongguk, he'd love that." 

Home, it sounded strange. Here you stood in the place you'd been born, surrounded by family and life long friends but it wasn't really home anymore. 

He gave your waist a squeeze, "Everything okay?" 

It was, as long as you had him it didn't matter where you were. 

"Are you ready to get on the water?"

His smile grew, "Your uncle said I can use his fishing gear." 

Exhausted from all activities it was definitely nap time. 

Leading him up the hallway, your tiny dog followed in pursuit as you pushed the door open.

"And this is where the magic happens!" 

He looked up and down the hall to make sure nobody was around before he caught your lips between his.

"I'm about to sleep in there, I don't want to know about it." 

You pushed him back onto the fluffy duvet, "You don't have to be jealous baby, It's only ever been me and my imagination."

Swinging a leg over you straddled him as he laid back. "I was however hoping to change that this weekend." 

Caught up in your words and hands you could feel him getting excited under you. Reaching to undo the top button of his shorts his hand grabbed yours and he moaned. "Stop teasing…" 

"I'm not teasing, I'm committed to it."

"No...come on baby. I'm not disrespecting your parents like that. They don't want us sleeping together in their house." 

"Do you always have to be the good guy Yoongi." 

He nodded, "We're going to be together for a long time baby girl, I don't need to give them a reason to hate me." 

Rolling off of him in a frustrated huff you could only manage an angry, "fine!" 

He giggled, "Don't be a spoiled brat, I'll make sure you get properly fucked when the first opportunity comes up."

You leaned back into him for a kiss.

"I'm exhausted, go hang out with your sister so I can nap."

"I get it...I'm going...geez."

You flipped the light switch off and as you were about to close the door you stuck your head back in.

"I love you Yoongi, it really means a lot that you're here with me." 

"I love you too peach now get the hell out, I'm tired."

He threw a pillow towards you but you closed the door at just the right moment. All you could hear from the hallway was him laughing, "I'm gonna get you next time."

You knocked on the door lightly, he'd been asleep for hours. The time change and the stress had caught up to you both.

Walking into the room you pulled the window shade beside the bed open. The sun was starting to go down but what light was left came in to illuminate his face on your pillow. 

"Hey sleepy, we're going to go soon. It's time for my favorite part of the holiday!" 

He sat up and rubbed his eyes, "Fireworks?" 

"Yes fireworks!!!"

Arriving at the field everyone set up their chairs and blankets. 

"You want to go up front?" he kept walking.

You pulled him back, "No, back of the crowd is always better." 

Everyone was in their own world, coolers were stocked with snacks and alcohol and conversation flowed freely. The air was warm and the sky was growing dark as you sat holding hands.

"You can put your arms around me," you whispered. "Nobody's looking."

His mouth went up into a crooked grin, wrapping his hands around your waist the first firecracker sounded above you.

His eyes shone under the flare, he was so beautiful, relaxed, peaceful, happy. The illuminated display suddenly didn't seem important, you couldn't take it anymore.

Standing up you reached for his hand, "Come on." Grabbing the blanket you motioned to the tree line behind you. 

Leading him up the path you pulled him into the denser section of the woods. It wasn't as loud and you could just make out the flashes through the leaves.

"What are you doing? Why aren't we watching fireworks?" His confusion was cute. 

"You promised we could have sex when the opportunity came up remember?"

You kissed his neck knowing you'd need to break down some of his stubborn resolve. 

"Baby I told you earlier, I can't... your parents."

"1. We aren't in their house. 2. Everyone's drunk and nobodies paying attention 3. It's always been a fantasy to have sex with fireworks going off...please Yoongi? I need you so badly."

He looked around assessing the situation then back at you.

"I wore this dress so you can get in and out nice and easy."

Raising the hem of the shift dress slowly up your thigh, you showed him your secret.

"I'm not wearing any panties." 

He closed his eyes struggling with his dilemma but his cock was already leading the charge. 

"I can't believe you're fucking doing this to me, if we get caught i'm telling everyone it was your idea." 

"We're not gonna get caught I promise." You spread the blanket under the tree, "No one can see and because of the fireworks...no ones gonna hear you moaning but me."

Dropping to your knees you grabbed the waist of his shorts and pulled him closer to you. "Can I suck you for a bit?" 

He was flustered, "I mean how much time do we have..it can't be that much...can it?" 

His unusually shy reserve was turning you on.

"Just enough to get you hard.."

"You think I'm not hard? Jesus Y/N, I'm ready to blow"

Pulling down his zipper, he wasn't lying. His cock was at full attention and the light from the overhead explosions highlighted the dribbles of excitement on his tip. 

The invigorating thrill of getting caught had you just as wet and excited as him. Licking your lips while staring up at him you wrapped your hand around his shaft and pumped him until he moaned.

"Did you miss this?"

He threw his head back as you wrapped your lips around him greedily sucking. It was urgent, rushed and hard, you had a small window of time before the smoke cleared and people scattered.

Popping off of him you laid back and lifted up the fabric of your dress. Exposed on the ground, you drew your finger over your clit enticing him. You felt dirty and you liked it. This place from your childhood, you needed to prove you'd outgrown it, that no matter how everything else had stayed the same you hadn't. 

"Hurry, please Yoongi."

He got down and lay over you. Cautious no more he anchored himself into your wet waiting core. Everytime you made love he waited for your signal. With hungry eyes you nodded, "Fuck me, hard." 

Moving quickly he pumped inside you. Rocking his hips forward against your clit, the wetness between you lubricated and heightened every sensation.

Glad for loud banging overhead the expletives dripped off your tongue as he pounded into you. The speed and intensity picked up and the cheering sound came through the trees. The finale of the show spurring on the most intense orgasm you'd ever had. 

Not having the luxury of time on your side, you pulled yourselves together and ran back to your spot undetected. As the last of the lights dissipated into the night everyone gathered to leave. 

"So what did you think of it Yoongi?" Your Dad patted him on the back. 

"Well sir, I don't think I'll ever look at fireworks the same now that I've experienced a real 4th of July party." 

[ghostinyourbuilding]

July 14th, Thursday. 20.42pm. Good night, ghost.

Woohoo, I am about to download dating apps again. I am tired of the men I'm talking to currently and also I feel like I've been giving shit men way too many chances so that's probably why I'm bored of them.

Oh, I'm at my sister's house because I'm gonna see Allan tomorrow, he lives pretty close. I should also stop by Letty's house before that to see if she still lives there, we lost contact and she was such a good friend.

As for tonight I'll just get high, watch catfish and chill since I finally have some free time for myself.

As for tonight's biggest losers:

----

Officially closing the current circle of men

Men come and go, and (fortunately) all but one of the men I've been talking about are a definite go for me.

Sad scumbag

I met Pedro yesterday and he's so fucking pathetic. He paid for everything but I still am mad as hell I wasted a bus pass on such a sad creature. He's ugly, short, legitimately fucking stupid (dude didn't know where Guyana was, didn't know India has more than one language and kept referring to Mads Mikkelsen as Michael Mikkelsen), broke and such a socially inept fuck. I mean, dude could barely speak English. I got there at like 5 and wanted to leave at 10 if the date was nice but I left at 7ish because he was such a disappointing excuse of a human. I was already underwhelmed with his dumbass when he said 'brutalism was too colourful' and he decided it was a good idea to ask me if I had any fetishes... Dude??? Who the fuck are you? It's like he was trying to be as desperate, pathetic and sad as he possibly could. I just said I had to go and left. I'm so mad at this fucker for the audacity of his existence that I didn't even block him, I'm just gonna happily watch him continue to desperately send me 'hello???' on whatsapp to no fucking answer. Wasted my damn time.

Mark

I really liked Mark. He's a cool guy. Even though he moved to a different state temporarily I've been nice and talked to him and all that. But the thing is - he's being SO shady. He doesn't talk anymore and that's fine, people lose interest when they go away. But I'm such a vengeful dramatic cunt, and he knows that. He's absolutely not gonna ghost me and walk away without his feelings hurt.

So I'm making the executive decision of hitting Nobody (his previous roommate who forced him to move out) and fucking around with him. I'm not thaaat interested in Nobody because he's short as fuck, but I'm not opposed to pulling such a bitch ass move. I'm also certain Nobody isn't gonna reject me because the dude was literally claiming his life was over because 'I chose Mark over him'. I told Mark multiple times that I was vengeful and that he'd better be straightforward with me, so now that's what he gets. Like, I'll send him a message asking if he still wants to talk tonight and he legitimately has until the few days it'll take for me to find Nobody on Tinder to be straight up or his chances of coming back south, his friendship and his chances with me will be ruined :) hope he's smart.

Otto

Otto ruined everything for himself. A few posts back I said I wouldn't mind possibly getting into a relationship with him in the future but he fucked that up so severely it's fucking insane. Not only he has been like a fucking barnacle but he also keeps açtıng like I'm a therapist and it's annoying the shit out of me. I don't give a shit about men's problems, much less the men I don't feel much towards. I have been so short and dry but I think I need to just fucking ghost his ass so he'll stop bothering me. In any case, that's it for me and him.

------

As for any other dudes they're probably too irrelevant to mention or I already gave them the boot. The only one I'm giving a chance still is Timo, I wanna meet him sometime this weekend, but low expectations because this batch was cursed.

In conclusion: gonna redownload Tinder and meet new dudes for the next round of complaining.