#and I'm expecting to go to work in two hours!? unrealistic. blocked.

[permanentreverie]

have experienced max emotions for today actually. going back to bed.

[inkofamethyst]

January 10, 2025

I'm supposed to have something for an initial draft of my quals paper to submit to my advisor by the middle of next week but I feel so stressed about this whole ordeal. "Start by writing what you know," he tells me. Well, first of all, I don't feel like I know anything. And, second of all, I don't know how to order the things I think I do know. They all just feel like a collection of uncoordinated facts. I don't know what to start with, I don't know what would be considered forest-level knowledge vs. tree-level knowledge, I don't know how to fit all of these facts together coherently, and not knowing is stressing me out more because it makes me feel stuck.

But as much as I hate introductions, I need to get the facts straight because the facts will inform my overarching question. It turns out that writing about something I've done is so so much easier than writing to persuade someone that what I'd like to do is worth doing.

I tried seeding the document with some paragraphs from the fellowship application I submitted last semester, but that didn't help. I'm currently sitting with two of my cohort friends on our second work session in two days with the express purpose of drafting this proposal, but it's clear that it isn't motivating enough either (loving spending time with them though!). One and two-thirds of a sentence in over four hours total?? Hm. No, I am motivated, just mentally blocked for some reason. I think it's because I have the unrealistic expectation of a decent (not perfect, not good, not beautiful) first draft, maybe.

Maybe.. I mean I know how good ChatGPT is at drafting. I've used it before when I've entered crunch time even though I feel a little guilty after. It's just that it's so useful for getting that ugly first draft out of the way. But the environmental impact and the potential impact on my own creativity and supporting a tool that I view as a threat to creatives and artisans even though it's useful and effective.. I dunno, I just want to try to be mindful of where my support is going, same thing with fast fashion and amazon and etsy dropshippers and shopping at big box stores. I am trying to use my dollars for good but it's not easy. I suppose that's the point though. :/

This devolved.

I suppose it's not like I won't heavily edit the result.

It's just that it feels a little pathetic. I was lauded in English classes in K-12 for my writing. I got a 5 on the AP Lang exam. I used to write stories on the scratch paper they'd give us during standardized tests just for the fun of it. I was working on an audiodrama that I was excited about. Where did she go????

An hour left in this work session. I need to have something to show for it. I need to write.

Today I'm thankful for my headphone amp. I accidentally spent two hours last night messing around with my bass and the amp, trying to sketch out some mowtown-ish basslines. 1. I'm going to have a really fun summer, I know it, and 2. interval practice has actually helped quite a bit already! And only after a week or so of regular practice, I have a decent ear for the majors and perfects. I think I'm going to start back on the music theory lecture series I started last summer. It's long past time for me to advance beyond basic scales and intervals. Adding something fresh once or twice a week to my practice routine should keep up my motivation.

Also, The Love Hypothesis is unhinged. Glad it's a quick, easy read.