#and I’ve done everything I can think of to assure them that I won’r pressure them. value THEM more than the friendship | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

void-tiger · 4 months ago

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Maybe it’s the “avoidant” part of my “fearful avoidance,” but. I really just…don’t care if someone I’m attracted to romantically likes someone else, or doesn’t share those feelings. Like, you do you. We’re not dating or owe eachother anything, and it all boils down to autonomy and compatibility, anyway. (And let’s face it, I don’t believe I’ll ever be compatible with anyone in terms of physical intimacy and I’m not able to compromise that without bruising my own boundaries, so.) But also like. I’d just. Turn attraction “off” if I could reach inside my head and flip a switch. Sadly humans aren’t that simple. Absolutely unfair.

Nah. What does get me into the Fearful instead (and struggling with that FA push-pull of “keep away/please don’t leave”): whether or not someone even wants to be my friend. Especially when I also accidentally developed attraction to them.

#tiger’s roar #acengst #fearful avoidant #…and yeah. I really am just Stuck sitting with my feelings #the same way I have to Sit with my cptsd around environments and forming IRL friendships in GENERAL #absolutely unfair but whatever #it’s exposure work babyyy!!#kinda makes me wanna laugh. SARDONICALLY. when I have people tell me to ‘just work on myself’#this IS self work. learning how to cope with platonic and romantic feelings and the fears that automatically come with them for me IS.#and it absolutely sucks. believe me. I’d rather not feel them at all #I keep poking at them to try and ‘turn it off’ because my adhd brain wants to FIX it #but the only thing I can ACTUALLY do is accept that I have them #especially since admitting them to the person in question would 90% make things worse ‘cause of their own wounds and load #IF things could ever reach a point of nuance vs All or Nothing being accepted and not trigger a flee patterning again? maybe #but as it is I kinda feel like we talked around and walked right up to the elephant but didn’t take the sheet off it #yeah carrying it sucks. but since all I wanted was the friendship and NOT the addition of romantic attraction…#…anyway. they’ve done quite a bit to try and make up what happened.#and I’ve done everything I can think of to assure them that I won’r pressure them. value THEM more than the friendship #and…not exactly dropping hints but. trying to let them know IF. that’s their call. I just want the friendship healthy

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