#and I wouldn't have it any other wayy they're so amazing

[jaxflipped]

god jax is so funny and sweet

[introspectionofaqueer]

well shit

i missed ONE singular T shot and got my period. i guess thats what happens when youre on low dose! i was cramping really bad last night n i guess this explains why. it was just a light spotting and im hoping thats all i get, cuz i did my shot on wednesday. i missed the one before that. im hoping having taken the T that recently is enough for it to not be a 'real' period. i get the feeling todays gonna be another lazy day, but thats okay. i spent the last week in go mode trying to keep myself busy and distracted and it worked okay, ive enjoyed having these couple days to finally relax. ive finally stopped worrying about checking in on my ex when and where i can (which was not much, i was checking her snap map location and spotify activity almost RELIGIOUSLY until yesterday). i finally went a whole day without doing that and it honestly feels freeing. i really hope i can get over this shit soon, i want to be friends again. i feel like thats a bad reason to want to get over it tho and doesnt really lend itself to getting over it for real, but in the mean time its a start. i feel pathetic that we've been broken up for nearly a month and im just now finally starting to let go even a little bit. it still really hurts, i thought she was 'the love of my life', or some sappy bullshit. but if it was meant to be, then it would be. i have to focus on feeling whole and complete myself before i can entertain dating, it puts wayy too much pressure on my partner to keep me satisfied and supply my self worth. that has to come from within, unfortunately. i do think our love was real and powerful, and i am still so grateful for having that time with her. even knowing id be suffering like this for weeks, possibly even months, id still run to her again and again to experience a love like that. it felt pure and genuine, i think my earlier fears of being a rebound were simply a reach to have any shred of a reason to get over this quicker. I don't think Niko is capable of a love that isn't genuine. She is calculated and loyal in the way she handles relationships, and i respect that. i just wish i had considered myself and my capabilities concerning love before putting us both through this. i guess i know its not totally my fault we werent able to make it work but i am definitely accountable for my half. i guess we both just wanted it to work so bad we thought the issues wouldn't be issues....until they were. red flags dont look red when youre wearing rose colored glasses. i dont mean to say there were any red flags about each other we should have been aware of, neither of us are like, toxic or anything, but perhaps we should have noticed those red flags in ourselves and surrounding our capabilities of engaging in a loving and healthy relationship. either way, the past is the past. they're still a really important person to me and im so glad i met them, but i cant help but have this fear that we wont connect again even as friends. i guess thats my anxious attachment acting up, worrying that my lack of presence will be enough for her to forget and stop caring about me. she said she would be there for me when im ready though and i have to just trust her, and i do. i trust them more than anyone i've met, despite how little we've known each other. never met someone so honest and genuine. i hope one day we can be the best of friends, and ill get to love her still, even in a different way. because i'll never truly stop loving them, they're an AMAZING person and i really hope i get to keep her in my life. its so rare to find someone who vibrates at the same frequency as me, and i don't want to lose that because i fell head over heels and couldn't realize we needed to stay friends. this ended up being a way longer post than i meant for it to be but i needed to write this because i haven't been writing a lot about how i feel about the situation, even though its the most pressing matter in my emotional world right now.

im having a hard time forgiving myself for taking so long to get over this. like, if i could jsut get over this then we could be friends already. but this has to be about me and my healing, and not what brings me back to her sooner. i have to be okay without her before i can let them back into my life. i can't rush the process and its OKAY that its hurting this bad and taking this long. i really, really loved her. you cant just erase that, even in a month....