#and I would still hug her back because it made her happy but i mever actually told her i was just feeling awkward

[lonely--seeker]

I think we should all get paired with someone and schedule those 12 hugs a day

[dwindlingashesburnt]

I hate her. I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her. She woke me up "accidentally" because she "forgot" I didnt have to go to school and my dad tried to epxlain nicely one chore I kinda needed to do tpday....then she called me down and the very first fuckong thing she said was that she was sorey but i couldnt just lie around in bed all day, then she yelled at me for crying when I didnt even look upset as far as i know and definitely wasnt crying and tgen s aid "oh forgoet it you domt have too the chore"and carried on insulting me so i ram away upstairs to get away from her but then she started scremaing about how shed lose her job because she had to stay home to put fukcing washing oj the line so I screamed back that id do it and at that point I WAS crying a lot because its not fukcing fair, i didnt do anytjing wrong at all i literally just was woken up and did as i was told and thos happened. then i went downsrairs and went outside to put washing in line and my dad apologised and hugged me and tried to help

so of course she came to tell at my dad for doing tgat instead of gping ti work.....but then she didnt go to work because "i cant leave you crying like this" and i asked her what she expected. Then she "apologised" and asked me to tell her what was wrong so i did - then she got angry at me and started hissing at me abd even grabbing at my arm because "dont share our busibess with the neighbours" WELL FUCK YOU MOTHER youre so ffucking transparent like that you dont care about me you domt care about your child crying because you hurt them, you domt care what you did wromg, you just care about your shiny nonexistent reputation with fucking neighbours you dont like and have never ever talked to. Thanks. Thanks spFUCKING much mother, glad to know im so high on your ljst of priorites - I HATE YOU

and you fucking set thay up. you couldve just gone to work wguch yoy shouldve because you claimed dadda was running late and you 2 go to work tohether....but yiu stayed behind to "apploguse" to me outside. and it mever matters when you insukt and hurt and humiliate me outsjde or when you scream bloody murder in the house, no, no, the neighbours are conveniently deaf then, but when i speak at a normal volume of how you hurt me outside, suddenly they develop amazing hearing, huh? I fukcimg hate you, you couldve brought me inside to apologise but you didnt because you wete fucling set me up you wouldmt have applogised at all if it didnt give you an opportunity to hurt me more you fucking bitch

and then your "apologies" were all just victim blaimimg and excuses!!! "Im just really steessed" "well its not fair to take it out on me" "OK WELL IM SORRY IM JUST REALLY STRESSED RN AND MAYBE THAT BOILED OVER AND MAYBE I WAS UNAFIR BUT"There is no fukcing maybr about it and there shouldmmt be any fucking buts in your pathetic apology "maybe if i fot some help around the house i wouldnt be so stressed!" oh my gid, fuck you. youre saying you abuse me because youre stressed, and then trying to say if i just did more chores aroynd the house you wouldnt be so stressed? YOURE FUCKING BLAIMIMG ME FOR YOU ABUSING ME, AGAIN. I FUCKING HATE YOU, HOW DARE YOU FUCKING DO THIS SHIT, I HATR YPU. Also its a fucking LIE while that line may have vagueky worked in the past, ive been doing 1-3 chores a day for weeks now so you know what? Youre a bitch and a liar and i hate you you fucking abusive asshole. And then you left me sobbing in the kitchen to go to work! So much for "i cant leave you cryibg like this", huh? You dont care abiut me. It was just a convenient excuse to hurt me.

You made me believe I wasnt even human for so long. You made me believe the only reason I existed was because my pathetic failures to hide my misery was good entertainment for everyone around me. You trapped me in a hell where I thought anybody could kill me at any moment, and would do so gladly and instantly if I fucked up. You drove me to the point of wanting to commit suicide, then started lecturing about how god doesnt like suicide and you wont allow it. I was suffocating, I felt like I was dying, I wanted to crawl out of my fucking skin. You made god and your name synonymous until learming about christianity madde me feel wildly uncomfortable and scared and i didnt know why, and suddenly you became all knowing, all powerful, all present. I hate you. When I got an eating disorder you claimed to never notice, then said I looked like I was pregnant when I started trying to recover, then wept at me about not telling you I was losing weight, that you were so worried ans I couldnt do this to you. Fuck you. I daydreamed about my closest friends murdering me, because I thought that was a possibility and even though you banned suicide, I still longed to die. You fucked me up so bad and I hate you. I hate you. You yell at me when I dont let you hug me in the middle of a fight or put your arm around my shoulders (all i can think of is that you will strangle me and i will die and youll laugh and act like ots no biggie) and i hate you. I hate you. You call me evil for crying, you condition me to cry when you say a phrase, and then you act so sad when you realise I once cried alone in my rpom because "you can always come to me!" You fucking liar. How dare you. Every single fukcing time I cry its because of you, and eveey time you find out you call me evil or deny any of the things that hurt me ever happened. I hate you. And Im going to repeat again, because I think this needs emphasis - she made me believe I was not human, and that the only reason I had been created was for my suffeirng to entrtain people, and I lived in constant terror only knowing I had to pretend I was a happy human or she would get angry. I was so scared and she is supposed to be my mother and i hate her