#and I wish I could get my brain into gear to be more proactive about that

[beautifulhigh]

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[marvella15]

Astaire & Rogers Rewatch Part 8: Carefree

• Ah Carefree. Another film with a lot of weird, extraneous crap in it that detracts from what we’re all actually here for: Astaire and Rogers together and dancing. 

• Surprisingly, this odd movie has a song and dance I especially like, “Change Partners.” It also has the first on-screen romantic kiss between Astaire and Rogers. But we’ll get to that. 

• Our character/actors: Dr. Tony Flagg (Fred Astaire), Amanda (Ginger Rogers), Stephen (Ralph Bellamy), Cora (Luella Gear)

• I’m not up on Ralph Bellamy’s filmography but in every movie I’ve ever seen him in, he’s the guy who loses the girl to the bigger male star. 

• Now I’m no expert but it seems like if your fiancé breaks off your engagement three times, there might be some actual issues in your relationship. And I don’t think those issues boil down to just “the girl I like won’t marry me.”

• For the first time in one of these films, Astaire’s character isn’t a dancer or musician by profession. He’s a psychiatrist… who used to be a dancer. Gotta have some reason why he’s so dang elegant and talented. 

Not a fan of his notes on a patient that indicate she’s a “typical pampered female” who doesn’t need a doctor but rather “a good spanking.” 

Right after this, he describes Amanda, whom he hasn’t met, in very unflattering terms, including that she probably doesn’t have a brain. Here’s a diagnosis, Dr. Flagg. You’re a misogynist. 

Already we can see some issues with Carefree. 1938 may have been a different time but nothing about Astaire’s character is charming, kind, or anything we’d want Rogers to be paired with.

• I do like that as usual Rogers’ character doesn’t stand for any crap. She doesn’t give one single eff about his questions or his attempts to chat with her and then she storms out. 

• Astaire spent two weeks rehearsing the golf solo (aka "Since They Turned 'Loch Lomond' into Swing"), during which he did a thousand swings. The actual number took two and a half days to film. 

Surely it helped that he was an avid golfer already. In addition to horse racing, it was one of his favorites hobbies. 

It goes without saying that he hits a golf ball better in the midst of a dance than I could on a driving range. 

It also probably goes without saying that the only reason Tony does this number is because his ego is insulted by Amanda. 

• Rogers looks particularly fab in her shorts during the bicycle scenes. 

• Amanda begins to warm up to Tony after seeing he has talents besides psychoanalysis and insulting women he hasn’t met. But she only truly starts to like him after he makes an idiot of himself by crashing his bike into a bush. 

• Cora thinks that Tony sent her a gigolo?? And she’s totally on board with it?? And she drinks something this random man (who we know is Tony’s assistant) hands her???

• “I Used to be Color Blind” has a lot of potential that it doesn’t live up to imo. As you might guess by the song and the way the scene is filmed, this sequence was supposed to be in color. But, depending on who you ask, either the studio felt it was too expensive or the color tests looked horrible so it was scrapped. Either way, it’s a shame. Audiences had to wait over ten years to see Astaire and Rogers dancing in color.

• I’m also not wild about the slow motion, which seems a bit goofy. However, it does let us better appreciate the talent and mastery of Astaire and Rogers. For example, when he lifts her in a spin, her feet don’t touch the ground again for a while and they both make it seem effortless. 

• Soooo the Kiss. I know I’ve been banging the kiss kiss kiss drum for a few movies now. But this almost isn’t that satisfying? Now, I would say that this could’ve been intentional on Astaire’s part since he (and maybe his wife?) was the one opposed to any on-screen clinches and preferred the romance and intimacy to be in the dances. But, Astaire wasn’t comfortable with even this finished product, according to both his account and Rogers’. The slow-motion made what was really just a peck on the lips seem like much more, which he felt made up for all of the kisses he hadn’t given her in their previous films. So it seems unlikely he had any hand in intentionally making it unsatisfying. 

More likely, it’s that of all of the scenes, songs, dances, and movies for a kiss to happen, this isn’t the one I would’ve picked. A peck on the lips during “The Continental” would’ve been perfect, or a delicate kiss after “Cheek to Cheek” or a passionate one after “Never Gonna Dance.” Just a few places I wish we’d seen a kiss rather than (or in addition to) here.

All of that said, I will say that there’s something very fitting that in the scene Rogers is the one to lean up and kiss him rather than him being the proactive one. That’s very fitting for their off-screen dynamic too where he was far more shy and reserved. And I do like that it’s clearly an intimate kiss, as evidenced by the way she wraps her arms around his back. 

• Two years before she would win her historic Oscar, Hattie McDaniel appears in Carefree in an uncredited role as a maid.

• When Amanda next meets with Tony, she is conflicted about telling him about her dream where she was very clearly in love with him and not boring old Steve. Her sweater conveys her struggle. It has arrows piercing an embroidered heart over her actual heart. 

• Amanda’s invented dream is insane but who hasn’t made up ridiculous excuses to stay around their crush? But kids, don’t go so far as being put under anesthesia. 

• The whole period where Amanda is still drugged and acting weird is absolutely something I typically skip, even though Rogers does a good job with the slapstick.

• “The Yam” harkens back to previous numbers like “The Piccolino” or “The Continental.” Even though it feels almost a bit outdated at this point, it’s a fun, upbeat number in an otherwise somewhat dull film. 

• I like that Astaire drops the acting after a few seconds. He’s just himself for most of this dance and looks like he’s having the most fun he has at any point in this movie. Rogers is also all smiles and looks marvelous. 

• I also like that they dance around so much of the lodge and use much of the scenery as part of the number. 

• Some fun lyrics:

“I didn’t come to do the Charleston” - Rogers got her start in entertainment by winning a Charleston contest when she was 14.

“I didn’t come to ball the jack” - Five years later, Judy Garland will perform a superb number called “Ballin’ the Jack” in For Me and My Gal with a promising new musical star: Gene Kelly. 

• Gotta give it up for the EIGHT times they do the move where his leg is up on the table and she leaps over it. 

• She is undoubtedly whispering something to him when they start to slow dance. 

• Rogers is a really wonderful actress. She does a stellar job when Amanda tells Tony she’s actually in love with him.

• Look, I get that Tony’s trying to find a way out of a situation wherein his friend’s fiancé has fallen in love with him and plans to break it off with his friend, but telling Amanda she’s imagining her feelings is pretty crappy of him. Hypnotizing her so she’ll hate him and marry Steve instead is pretty stupid. 

But once again, Rogers does a fab job in this scene. Hypnotized or not, she’s obviously devastated and cries even while pretending to be in a trance. 

• “Kiss her, you dope!” is what I’ve been saying for seven movies. 

• Some light gun violence humor here in 1938.

• I assume it’s an in-joke that the judge’s last name is Travers, which was the last name of Astaire’s character in Gay Divorcee.

• We already knew Steve was hapless trash but refusing to allow Amanda to choose her own future and instead leaving her hypnotized and getting a restraining order against his friend to prevent Tony and Amanda from ever getting together is a new low.

• Unsurprisingly, the most enduring song from this film is “Change Partners,” which was nominated for an Oscar. It’s also one of my favorites and frequently gets stuck in my head. 

• At least Steve’s stupidity is used against him. Tony literally sings exactly what he’s going to do (“I’ll tell the waiter to tell him he’s wanted on the telephone”) and yet Steve still falls for it. 

• For the third(?) time in this film, Rogers must pretend to be in a trance, this time dancing to Astaire’s hypnotic hands. But not long in, she clearly breaks through a bit because she becomes more of a participant. She grabs his hand when it’s on her waist and melts into his arms when they embrace. 

• “Change Partners” as a dance is incredibly intimate. That’s not so unusual for Astaire and Rogers’ romantic duets but it’s a tad unusual in this particular film where, despite that kiss, they’ve hardly had any romantic interactions. And yet in this dance, they are frequently very close together, his lips hover near hers more than once, and it’s all very slow. In fact, they very nearly kiss a few times. To me it’s further proof that as long-awaited as the earlier kiss was, there were and are better places for it, such as right here.

• Amanda really gets a raw deal. Sure she gets to marry the man she actually loves. But in the process, she nearly shoots him and others, gets arrested, is subjected to a variety of psychological experiments, and then gets punched in the face on her wedding day. 

• During this rewatch I’ve been surprised how much I’ve enjoyed certain films I don’t watch as much, like Gay Divorcee, but Carefree is pretty much how I remember it. Very little worth rewatching, except “The Yam” and “Change Partners.”

• Up next is the last RKO production Astaire and Rogers made and the end of their partnership… for now. It’s The Story of Vernon and Irene Castle.

[dontcallmecarrie]

Something that'd be interesting to see is your take on Fury becoming more proactive in Tony's childhood. Him seeing Howard's lack of parenting/interaction and Obadiah creeping in on Tony and deciding that it would be better if he got involved with Tony instead.

I assume you’re talking about Watch The Power Fold, feat. Obadiah’s being Palpatine 2.0 and influencing Tony? The one that wasn’t meant to be a happy AU, except my brain can’t do angst and cue fixit that’ll give everyone headaches down the road? Under the cut, because it went from ‘fixit’ to ‘fixit that grew legs and plot and fuck this is another fic now isn’t it’ pretty damn fast.

Nick Fury hadn’t intended to, is the thing. Howard had been very, very firm about keeping his son out of SHIELD, and Fury hadn’t disagreed, given the nature of what they got up to sometimes. Not when the kid had grown on him [even if he wouldn’t admit it under pain of death]. 

He’d seen Tony grow up, had seen him around when he was in the mansion working with Howard, had heard Howard’s talking warmly of his son. Nick Fury’d seen Tony grow up more than his father did, actually, what with working security for the family of the cofounder of SHIELD while Howard was away on business, or searching for Captain America. 

So, yes, the kid’d grown on him, so what? Only thing is, the more time goes on, the busier things get, and…the more some things don’t sit right with Fury. Specifically, while Howard had done his best to keep his family and SHIELD separate, he had a bad habit of taking his work home when it came to Stark Industries, and that’s where things get…dicey.  

Fury can’t explain just why Obadiah Stane rubs him wrong, just that he does. It makes sense that the man’s trying to ingratiate himself to Howard’s family, what with working with them and all, and his background checks out, but. Something doesn’t sit right with Fury, plain and simple. The way Obadiah’s set himself up as a fun uncle figure isn’t actually suspicious, after all: the one time he’d brought it up, both Peggy and Howard had joked about his being too paranoid. 

In one life, he’d avoid approaching Tony until decades later. Here, however…

He’d been suspicious, before the accident. Afterwards, however? The situation’s got him gritting his teeth but trying to still respect Howard’s wishes, right up until the only other adult figure in the kid’s life that isn’t Obadiah has a heart attack, not six months after the accident. 

By now, Fury’s the Director of SHIELD, he’s got better things to do than worry about how Tony was dealing with things. [Right?]

…then he sees the way Obadiah’s got some very shady friends who are this close to going on a watch list, and the way he’s acting around Tony, and goes, “fuck it, sorry Howard but your kid’s better off as my apprentice than that fucker’s pawn”.

Here, Fury is really, really blunt in his interference with Obadiah’s machinations. Instead of Tony leaning on Obie [and thus playing right into his hands], here, Fury basically barges in and drags him off.

Well, no; more like bribes him off, because where Obie would’ve gone “do you know what your father used to say?”, Fury’s just there and going “hey kid we’ve got some of your dad’s notes from his other job, you interested?” which, combined with Tony having seen him around the mansion as a kid, means Tony decides to check it out. 

That the one-eyed guy’s got some stories to tell about his dad really, really helps, too. As does the fact that his dad apparently helped found a vague yet menacing government agency, and even if it hurts that he never knew, Tony still wants to learn more, and Fury is more than willing to deliver.  Add to that a bunch of cool-looking projects, and adults who treat him as a slightly short coworker, and Tony’s basically hooked; even if Obie wanted him to ditch, he wouldn’t.

Sure, it eats up a huge chunk of time, and Tony’s slightly sorry that he can’t spend as much time with Obie anymore, but…he’s learning things, so there’s that? Between wrapping up his doctorates, gearing up to become the CEO of his dad’s company, and this, he’s booked, but it’s worth it. He’s learning about international politics from the inside, seeing actual spies doing their thing and getting ideas for optimizing weapon designs, and the list just goes on because Tony winds up as Fury’s apprentice. [Somehow.]

From the head honcho himself, Tony’s learning to be The Spy, learns about watching his back to keep it from being stabbed, about how good people are few and far between, about the value of blackmail and how to keep an ear on the ground. Life lessons that aren’t what some would like to impart, but invaluable in survival when swimming with sharks. 

Much like Howard, dealing with the intelligence community takes a toll on Tony. Unlike Howard, however, Tony got some coping mechanisms drilled into his head early on in the game, because Fury’d already seen one Stark become an alcoholic, no need to add to that number. Also, Tony’s not as obsessed with searching for Captain America, there’s that, too, and that JARVIS can watch his back is invaluable to his peace of mind. 

He’s also taken to using a pseudonym in SHIELD, just in case. Well, that, and also because the comparisons to Howard are really, really getting on his nerves [plus the rumors of nepotism can fuck right off]. As far as aliases go, Antonio Carbonell may sound pretty damn obvious, but between contact lenses and switching up accents, nobody not in the know’s caught on so far.

All in all, Tony’s basically following in his father’s footsteps, set to inherit both Stark Industries and a very high post in SHIELD if he keeps it up. He’s not under Obie’s thumb, and in fact isn’t actually as trusting as he might have been otherwise, so the man can’t do as much double-dealing as he might have otherwise. Sure, Tony’s pretty damn busy, and that people on occasion tend to compare him to Howard even more than they might have otherwise tends to get on his nerves, but otherwise? Tony’s not complaining. 

On the other hand, Nick Fury got quite a bit of criticism for doing what he did, roping Tony into SHIELD and making him his apprentice. Some of the higher-ups also knew about Howard’s not wanting to involve his family, and that Fury chose Tony, aka the media’s favorite person, to be a possible future head of SHIELD was not exactly a popular choice. Some thought he was taking advantage of the situation, forcing a grieving orphan and molding him to basically fill his father’s shoes, and…well, they’re not wrong per se. Not like they could do anything about it, though; Fury’s too high up the chain, after all. 

…the critics shut up after the Merchant of Death first made his appearance. 

And here’s where the headache component starts to kick in, because Fury took Tony in under his wing, after he lost not just his parents but Jarvis as well. Here, Tony’s spent over a year learning the ropes from the best. Here, the Merchant of Death is honest-to-goodness pretty damn terrifying, actually. 

Moments like that, it’s pretty damn easy to tell why Nick Fury chose him as his apprentice, early rumors of nepotism be damned.

Time goes by, Tony gets older, and things keep escalating as his clearance goes up. He’s pretty damn busy nowadays, but sometimes there’s projects that catch his eye that get mentioned in his dad’s notes, and that’s the story of how he invents a new element in a SHIELD bunker while running on four hours of sleep and seventeen cups of coffee. 

Time passes, and Fury’s only slightly regretful of the way things’ve panned out: Tony’s quite a bit more jaded than in canon, having Seen Some Shit while working in SHIELD, but…still better than being under Obadiah’s thumb, right? Sure, he got sucked into SHIELD exactly the way Howard had been trying to avoid, but…fuck he’s regretting it. 

Part of said regret comes from the headache he gets from…well. See, in one life Tony had Uncle Obie to lean on. Here, however, Fury kinda took his place, only he’s genuinely invested in Tony’s life. What that means is, Nick Fury maaybe might have kind of adopted Tony, in a sense. Just a little, though, more like Tony’s his favorite the same way Coulson has his with Barton and Romanov.  [yeah, right]

Speaking of which: man does that matchup give everyone migraines. Clint and Tony met pretty early on, and got into a snark-off after Clint made a crack about Tony’s age and Tony made a crack about Clint’s arrows and somehow that ended up with them commandeering a gun range, several prototypes, and geeking out over blast radii. By the time Natasha enters the picture, just the mention of Barton and Stark has the quartermaster groaning. With Natasha, however, Tony reveals just how unnervingly good he is at masks, weirding out everyone else in the room and their team-up quickly becomes a favorite for deep cover missions. 

…not that it happens all that often, however. After all, Tony’s got a company to run, and in SHIELD he’s been on the administrative track since Day One, rather than on the field. It still happens with enough regularity to give everyone else headaches, though. 

By the time we’ve reached Afghanistan, Tony’s been the Merchant of Death for years, and is also secretly the Assistant Deputy Director of SHIELD, which is pretty high up the chain. Main reason he’s not even higher is because of the time commitment; he’s pretty damn busy as is, and he refuses to be Howard. 2.0 with a shitty work-life balance. He’s sick of being compared to the man, and that Obie doesn’t approve of his work outside SI means he’s acutely aware of the parallels.

Afghanistan still happens. Only here, it’s because he’s heard rumors of his company double-dealing, and Tony Stark’s weapons demo had been planned as a front for Antonio Carbonell to look into things.

…suffice it is to say, his kidnapping throws a huge wrench into the works.

Especially because Tony’s not a civilian; he’s Seen Some Shit in SHIELD, after all. He’s had RTI training, has run support on ops that’ve gone to shit, so he’s prepared. Mostly. [Waterboarding still sucks, though, and the arc reactor’s installation was…not fun.] 

Still, could’ve been worse. At least he’s still got both eyes intact. Plus he managed to escape, and even managed to drag Yinsen out too. [He’d do well in SHIELD.]

Even better, however, is the intel he got from the shitshow, and that’s also the story of how Obadiah Stane disappears mysteriously less than a month later. Or, rather, no; died in a plane crash, right. Good riddance, even if Tony still felt a pang of…something, when he’d learned about the betrayal. 

[…Fury may or may not have tapped Coulson to handle it personally.]

Iron Man still exists. Only here, Tony sticks to the cards, because he is intimately aware of the value of secrecy, what with having worked with a shadowy government agency for half his life now, and he learned from the best.  Sometimes it’s JARVIS that’s piloting the suit, because Tony’s busy enough as is between his work at  Stark Industries, and career at SHIELD.

Time goes on, and when the palladium thing comes up, Tony bolts to his new  element as an option, and is very relieved when it works. However, he still steps down as CEO of SI, because between Stark Industries, SHIELD, and Iron Man, he’s clocking an average of four hours of sleep and, again, he’s not Howard, he wants a sane work-life balance.

Time goes on, and canon gets summarily derailed. Dealing with Vanko was a headache, though on the plus side his long, long experience with bureaucracy and government organizations means Tony’s keeping Iron Man out of military hands was a snap. Plus the face Natasha made, when she saw him as Tony and not Antonio, was worth it, even if it also meant she wouldn’t go easy on him the next time they sparred…oh, yeah, and he was also tapped to be a consultant for the Avengers Initiative, but what were the odds of that happening?  

Steve’s reaction to looking into Howard’s file, and then Tony’s, was…interesting.

Once he starts to get a read on the situation, he makes assumptions. Assumptions that Tony does not appreciate at all, because excuse you, Rogers, just because he copied some of his old man’s career moves doesn’t mean he’s Howard 2.0, fuck you very much. 

Suffice it is to say, they don’t exactly get along very well at first. 

Tony hates being compared to Howard, especially since he’d taken great pains to make his career in SHIELD his own. Literally the only reason Steve knows about the Tony Stark = Antonio Carbonell thing is because of his being an Avenger, plus good luck hiding the familiarity he has with Clint and Natasha. But Tony manages to be professional; kinda hard not to, after the long, long list of assholes he’s had to work with over the years. If he could deal with Ward’s being a self-entitled prick, no way is he going to let some supersoldier cramp his style, nope.

Bruce’s biggest concern in all this is the discovery that he got in when he was 17, but Tony hand-waved it with a “working with Fury’s more fun than the guy who almost got me killed” that did not, in fact, comfort anyone else in the room. [Oops.] 

…okay, I can see this AU going one of two ways: 

Either Tony finds out about HYDRA a lot earlier [he doesn’t trust many people, has a powerful AI watching his back, and access to SHIELD’s databases. You do the math], thus derailing the events of The Winter Soldier. It’s a mess, mind, but it gets taken care of early on in canon.

or,

Tony’s basically front and center for the clusterfuck that happens when the Winter Soldier shows up. [exploring this one because cue angst]

Because this was Fury we’re talking about. Fury, who stepped in and basically adopted him after he’d lost his parents, lost Jarvis, was one of the few people in his life who hadn’t betrayed him—Fury, who’s been reported dead, killed by the Winter Solider. 

Suffice it is to say, Tony is not about to take that lying down.

When Steve’s just reeling from the ‘trust no one’ thing, Tony barges in, nodding tersely to Natasha and a hair away from going Merchant of Death on everyone. [They couldn’t have gotten rid of him if they’d tried.] The group ends up having an AI looking out for them, and the more time goes on the more personal it gets, because of obvious reasons. Tony ends up kind of copying T’Challa re: ‘hunting down the Winter Soldier because of a dead father figure’, and Tony only gets scarier as shit goes down. 

As in: Steve’d been taken aback, when he’d first learned of how shady SHIELD really was. The way Tony’d iced over, was playing with fire with a familiar ease and barking orders over encrypted comms, didn’t exactly help, either. Even if it was pretty damn useful at times, because turns out Antonio Carbonell’s position in the SHIELD chain of command means he’s hearing some really interesting things, and that he’s also the CEO of Stark Industries means it takes all of one (1) phone call to get Sam’s wings without ruffling any feathers. 

All in all, a good ally. Even if the parallels are basically smacking everyone in the face at this point, because Tony may have hated being compared to his father but there was no denying that there was a Stark involved in SHIELD for the entirety of its existence. That he’d been adopted mentored by Fury’s only the icing on the cake, really. 

So when the HYDRA reveal happens, well…

Tony goes scarily silent, after hearing Zola. Then, he wordlessly unloads a full three clips into the servers, and Steve and Natasha get a front row seat to a pissed-off Iron Man doing what he does best. There’s probably some poetic irony in Tony helping burn what his father created, but nobody involved really cares for it. 

With Tony on hand, stopping Project Insight’s a hell of a lot easier. Also, the collateral damage is reduced. If that means JARVIS helped filter out the innocents from being burned, or if the Iron Legion’s picking up everyone who’s not HYDRA, is up to you; no matter what, though, it is a mess and a nightmare in regards to paperwork. Silver lining to this mess, though: Tony’s learning about how his parents really died, and subsequent lashing out, means he’s mostly made his peace with the Winter Soldier. 

…mostly. It’ll take some time, anyway, but at least Tony’s not liable to blast him next time he sees him, which, combined with how he’s asked JARVIS to help Steve look for the guy, means it’s as good as it’s going to get for now, probably. [It helps that Fury survived.]

…kinda ran out of steam there. Oh, before I forget:

The events of IM3 either don’t happen, or go down differently, because as far as targets go, good fucking luck getting to him: his involvement in SHIELD means he’s paranoid af, just like Fury [learned from the best, after all].

JARVIS here’s even more powerful, what with Tony trusting him to watch his back when swimming with sharks, and is thus also a tad more Skynet than most’d be comfortable with. So’s the Iron Legion.

If, by some stroke of sheer dumb luck Kilian still manages to get to Tony, well…RIP, dude, for pissing off the Merchant of Death [and Fury’s kid, not that either Fury or Tony’ll admit it]

Also, Tony’s PTSD isn’t as big a thing here, what with his not being a civilian and Fury having made sure he’d learned healthy coping mechanisms early on.  

If it ever comes up, he’d be bffs with Sharon Carter, what with the ‘my parental figure helped found SHIELD and didn’t want me involved’ thing, as well as the ‘changed my name so my achievements are of my own merit’ thing. 

Steve’d look at the two, and facepalm forever.

Peggy Carter was actually one of the ones who disapproved of Fury’s bringing Tony into SHIELD; she was in the ‘you’re taking advantage of a grieving orphan to fill his father’s shoes, wtf is wrong with you’ camp. She wasn’t vocal about it, and never said anything to Tony, but she side-eyed Fury right up to her retirement. She did call to apologize after the Obadiah reveal, though, and Fury managed to have his “I fucking told you so” moment. [Ha. Who’s paranoid now?]

People that know about Tony Stark = Antonio Carbonell are few and far between; I’m talking Nick Fury, probably Phil Coulson because he was there in the early days when Tony snapped after one too many mentions of Howard Stark, and promptly hacked into the systems to change his name because is That Petty. For the most part, though, it’s on a need-to-know basis, and most people really don’t. [Not sure if HYDRA knew;  if they did, it took them a while to figure it out.]. 

No, Tony’s not Fury’s kid in all but name, what’re you talking about? So what if Tony takes after him sometimes, he’s his mentor for crying out loud! Of fucking course he’s going to pick up some things!

No, Fury didn’t adopt Howard’s kid, what the fuck kind of bullshit question is that? No, it’s not like the little shit grew on him, nope, it’s not like he’s fond of that pain in the ass or anything. That he was even pissier than usual when he went MIA’s a complete and utter coincidence, really.

...aka really pushing the family dynamic here.

uh-oh the more I think of it the more things it’d derail brain no

[joyfilledwander]

Guest blog post by Creagon Patrick in collaboration with Fusion Freediving in Amed, Bali. To read Pt 1 of 3, click here.

Jemeluk Bay

Reaching the surface

Hang time

On the way back up

Three… I lay flat on the surface of the ocean, one arm holding on to diving buoy and the other flowing with the waves and mild current. Air rushes down my snorkel drawn by the the first of my warmup breaths… strong in, slow out. I drop one of my three fingers, physically reminding myself where I am in my habitual process.

Two… I check that every muscle is relaxed to achieve a near resting heart rate. Although I am pumped up to make this dive, every extra beat is wasted movement and will rob me of precious bottom time oxygen. Exhale….This time I empty every last bit of air, even doing an abdominal crunch to remove the last bits of stale carbon dioxide.

One…My ribs expand with air beyond normal capacity. Just when I feel like my lungs will no longer fit into my chest, I elongate my stomach, squeezing my vital organs down, allowing a last bit more of air. This is all the oxygen I get, no tank, no gills, no worries… This is what I have been training for.

….Zero…

One… Left hand on mask, squeezing my nose shut. This allows me to push air from the back of my mouth into my sinus and internal pathway that runs back to my ears. Without positive equalization I wouldn’t make it much more than my own body length below the surface for fear of sharp pain leading to a ruptured eardrum. If I am going to have sinus/ear problems I would rather reset the process while on the surface.

Two… Right hand, remove my snorkel. This allows me to use my lips to seal out the pressure of ocean depths. In case of an emergency blackout a snorkel could allow water in my mouth and down my lungs. Snorkels are best only used on the surface.

Three…Chin down, elbow tucked into my chest, two kicks, bend at the waist, one fin flies up in the air and the weight of my legs forces my head and body straight down. I focus on the inch of line that is closest to my mask, not above it, to the floating buoy, or below it, to the weighted anchor. Slow, powerfully large fins attached to my straight calves and thighs power me through the water with maximum efficiency.

5 meters (16 feet)…. I am passing the maximum depth of an Olympic diving pool and any momentum from the surface is gone. Every few kicks I add a little more air up my nose, counter-balancing the pressure of the ocean on my ears and mask. The line zips buy my eyes but I am visualizing each part of my body to ensure a perfect streamlined posture.

10 meters (32 feet)….Where is my rhythm? Can correctly I balance the total time it will take me to reach my target depth and the speed required to return to the surface before blackout? Ahh… there it is.

20 meters (64 feet)… The air in my lungs will compress to half the size it was at the surface. My body no longer wants to float like the buoy but starts to become negatively buoyant. if I stopped kicking my fins I could coast down on pure momentum.

25 meters (82 feet)… Now I can feel my body aching. Foot, calf, or thigh cramps at this depth can be a real pain or even life threatening if they lead to panic. I wish I had been more consistent with all the stretches my instructors had shown me. Thankfully, at this depth, I am sinking. The weight of my body is more than the tiny pocket of air left in my lungs. Like a rock, if I don’t move I will freefall to the ocean bed and never be seen again. The feeling of cold water flowing across my face is exhilarating.

30 meters (98 feet) The tennis ball….this is literally the end of the line. A green fuzzy sphere almost knocks my mask off warning me the only thing below me is a bunch of weights to anchor the line. This is it, I have reached my personal best depth and the maximum possible for today’s training. I am so surprised by its appearance that I almost forget what to do. Repetition and muscle memory kick in as I automatically grab the line and let momentum turn me head up for the first time on my dive.

This is where I want to stay. All is quiet and I am one with creation and my Creator. Sometimes I can see massive coral gardens as if flying over the a sunken skyline of at great alien city. Fish, oblivious to the depth, freely move in all three dimensions, mocking my horizontal life on the surface. This is peace and rest on the edge of the abyss. The stresses of life are the last thing on my mind. Is it possible to live my life like this? To every day, bring a bit more of heaven back to the surface of earth? I may never know, but I am willing to give everything… just trying. Now…swimming back to the surface is the most dangerous part.

25 meters (82 feet)… My muscles are still working but with significantly less amounts of oxygen in my blood flow. Every kick must overcome the gravity that gave me an assist on the way down.

20 meters (64 feet)… My belly contracts on its own like a super strong hiccup. This is a warning that I need to get air soon.

10 meters (32 feet)…. My safety diver has shadowed me closer on the last half of my ascent and is looking intently, through my mask, into my eyes. The slightest hesitation or lack of focus will mean that I need to be rescued and assisted to the surface.

5 meters (16 feet)…. My chest feels full again as the air re-expands but unfortunately this doesn’t help. Most of the usable oxygen has already been replaced by carbon dioxide. These last moments while submerged are filled with an irrational near desperation to open my mouth and inhale. For obvious reasons to do with the difference between water and air, I resist this urge. My training replaces intuition and I cease kicking. This conserves my last bit of energy, and possibly consciousness, while allowing momentum and buoyancy to bring me to the surface.

Zero meters, sea level… I throw my arms over the life ring style buoy and exhale half of the air in my lungs. Stopping short so I can force new air in my body delivering the oxygen that will renew me. Disciplined recovery breathing; proactively sucking in, pause and release, in, pause, and out, rewards me with the view of a smiling safety diver and eventually a high five.

I had just dove past the depth of a nine story building and came back to tell about it. This is deeper than most SCUBA divers will attempt even though they must carry a tank of air and hundreds of dollars of gear. I have taught my body to do things and stretch muscles I didn’t know I had. My brain has absorbed the theory that gave me faith the impossible could be done. My safety divers and instructors from Fusion Freediving were with me all the way knowing exactly how to help me expand my realm of possibility. Stay tuned for third article describing why I am willing to push my body to such great depths and the beautiful reward awaiting my silent journey to the open ocean floor.

This is the second post in a series about freediving in Bali by my husband and guest blogger, Creagon Patrick. To read Pt 1 of 3, click here. Stay tuned for upcoming installments! 

#FreeDiving down to 30 meters [almost 100 feet] on one breath? Guest blog post by Creagon Patrick in collaboration with Fusion Freediving in Amed, Bali. To read Pt 1 of 3, click here.