#and I was planning on making it once we had enough shots of sad!phupha

[maggiecheungs]

a chief must make sacrifices, right? // i’m not a hero in a movie.

[agmapansa3008]

This is for @phupha because it's gonna be too long for an ask. It's Phupha love time. This is long, so it continues under the cut:

So that man is a mess. We love him, but he's a mess. He's been alone for a long time, yes he has friends and yes he thought of Torfun as his sister, but he's been alone a lot. All of the Rangers and Dr Nam have mentioned that he's never really had anyone special, even if Yod and Rang have suspected that Torfun was that special person to him. (It’s interesting that they don't know he's gay. It means that basically, only Dr Nam knows him completely, which is sad but not surprising.)

He's a man, who is dedicated to his cause: Protecting the village and the forests. He won't regret dying for it, but he will regret causing people, who care about him, pain if he does. So he's keeping people at a distance. Again, sad but understandable.

Then Torfun dies, the person who “killed” her isn’t caught, and he’s tasked by his superior to protect his son, who is meant to take her place. He knows who Tian is, he might have heard stories about Tian, so he’s determined to keep his promise to his superior, but he has no illusion that he will like it. Both, the man Tian talked to, to become the volunteer teacher and several other villagers have mentioned that some students came to teach, only for the stories, the credit or the social media cloud. Torfun was probably one of very few, who actually stuck the term out, and who actually fell in love with the little village and its people. So no, Phupha doesn’t think this boy, who’s probably known for being fickle will be a good teacher. He’s prepared to satisfy his whims, send him back home safe and sound and wait for the next teacher.

And then he meets Tian and the boy literally faints into his arms. 

Talk about a meet-cute, that Phupha was not expecting. 

So he spends time with Tian, first to fulfil his duty and then slowly just because he’s starting to like this kid. He’s very different from the stories he might have heard or from what Phupha has expected. He’s bright, he’s caring and most importantly, he’s really trying. And not just with the kids, he’s actively trying to integrate himself into the village and to help its people. 

So something happens, that Phupha has absolutely not expected. He falls in love. Probably for the first time in years (if ever). He panics. And while he’s honestly a pro at flirting (seriously, some of his lines are amazing), when it comes to actual feelings and genuine moments, he’s utterly useless and it’s quite adorable. 

So we have Phupha, a man who’s constantly keeping people at a distance - too afraid to care for them in case they leave and too afraid to make them care for him, in case he dies - falling in love with the temporary volunteer teacher. Setting aside the fact that the kid is accident-prone, has a heart condition and can’t keep himself out of trouble, he’s still going to leave eventually as all the teachers do.

And Phupha doesn’t want him to be tied down. He wants him to thrive, to live the best life he can. What he, of course, doesn’t realise is that Tian is currently living the best life he can. He’s finally doing something he wants to do, he’s finally feeling like he’s achieving something and he’s finally happy. Phupha doesn’t know that. He might know that Tian is happy in the moment, but he doesn’t know that Tian was lacking happiness in the life he left behind. 

So his initial thought is to send him packing. And Dr Nam manages to change his mind enough for him to actually ask Tian to stay longer.

They are happy.

And then the bombshell is dropped on that happiness, that Tian allegedly killed Torfun and has her heart. The bubble is burst and Phupha is overwhelmed. We’ve seen him struggle with emotions before. He keeps people at a distant, seems strict and silent and doesn’t really know how to express himself. So something in him snaps. It’s not rational to call Tian out in front of the whole village, it’s not planned or controlled. His feelings overwhelm him and he needs answers, so he snaps. Even Nam is surprised by his brash action. Phupha regrets it instantly, you can see the hurt in his eyes when he’s looking at a crying Tian - his own hurt and hurt for Tian because he still loves him, but his feelings are utter chaos.

So he reverts back to cold and distant. 

Of course, we feel bad for Tian, but Phupha is absolutely within his right to pull away, to keep his distance and yes to be angry. Because this person, who managed to climb the walls he has built up, to find a place his heart and stay, lied: Not only that he knew of Torfun, but what happened to her. Again, the person who hit her was never found, the rangers never had the closure of knowing what exactly happened. And now, suddenly Phupha is confronted with the thought that the person he fell in love with was the culprit. It was a hit and run. In his mind, Tian hit Torfun and fled, causing her to die alone. That’s not something you can just get over. That’s betrayal and hurt and grief and renewed mourning. He’s human. He’s entitled to his feelings, he allowed to be irrational and to lash out. Of course, we feel for Tian. But why can’t we also feel for Phupha?

And then everything happens at once. He finds out that Tian didn’t kill Torfun after all, he finds him captured and he gets shot. They talk, they makeup and finally it seems that they have a chance at happiness. Their issues are talked about, their feelings are pretty open and it’s peaceful. And then Tian’s father and Phupha’s superior has to return and drop another bombshell on both of them. 

And yes, Phupha is making a mistake here, but he’s genuinely feeling that it’s the right thing to do. He’s heartbroken but it’s for Tian. As mentioned before, he doesn’t know that Tian didn’t leave much behind in Bangkok. He hears about his parents missing him, hears about what Tian’s allegedly giving up and thinks that he has to keep Tian from making a mistake. Phupha doesn’t have his parents anymore, he himself didn’t really have any other plans than follow in his father’s footsteps. He’s used to his linear life, but he doesn’t think that Tian realises what he might be giving up if he chooses to stay. Stay in the village and also stay with Phupha. It doesn’t occur to him that Tian has a very different relationship with his parents than he himself probably had. That Tian didn’t find happiness in all the choices he had in Bangkok but did find happiness in the small bubble that is Pha Pun Dao. 

So we get the frustrating montage of “I will make you hate me, so you leaving won’t hurt you as much”. 

He should have talked to Tian about it, should have given him enough credit that he’s mature enough to know what he wants in life. He should have, yes, but he truly does want what’s best for Tian. And thanks to Dr Nam, Tian also realises Phupha’s actual intentions. He might not like them, but at least he knows them.

Tian asks him if he will forget about him. It’s telling that Phupha doesn’t ask him the same. Yes, he gives him the ring, but that’s more a sign of his love for Tian than something for Tian to remember him by. Phupha thinks Tian will return to Bangkok and forget about him. Maybe not immediately, but eventually. “It will hurt for a while but eventually it will fade.” He said to Nam. He didn’t mean himself, he meant Tian.

That idiot is absolutely sure that Tian will return to Bangkok and forget about him. I can’t wait for him to realise that he’s worth so much more in Tian’s eyes.

Again, he’s a mess and we love him.

He’s human. He’s allowed to be a mess.