#and I keep being like. Respectfully. Fuck his wishes. He is dead. Funerals are for the living.

[smaller-comfort]

I've had *multiple* people in the last week at work tell me they Appreciate Me. Which is nice, but I have to wonder what Vibe* I'm giving off that they need to keep reassuring me.

*"I'm going to walk into the lake" is basically my catchphrase. #IShouldCalligraphyThat and then hang it in my office

[lesbian-deadpool]

Roses In A Storm

Part One of Three: We’re Not Done Yet

Prelude | Part One | Part Two | Part Three

Natasha Romanoff x Reader

Words: 2,777

Warnings: Sadness, grief, blood, violence, excess drinking, anger, murder, talks of weed use, I think that may be it.

Request: By so many but mainly @missmonsters2​. Happy??

Summary: Unhinged and grieving. You get a very special guest.

A/N: This is the ending to ��Soulmates”.

Ko-Fi

(Not my GIF)

***

To say you became unhinged after Tony's funeral, was an understatement.

Your entire being crumbled. And you became a shell of the person you used to be.

You cared about nothing and no one. Not even yourself.

You had told Fury he could, respectfully, shove your job up where the sun doesn't shine. And stormed out of his office, with him calling after you.

And that wizard dude.

What was his name?

Stanly?

Sherlock?

Samantha?

Fucking, Benadryl Copypaper?

You didn't know, you couldn't remember?

But that wasn't the point. What was the point, however, was how much Socriteis-Harry Potter bothered you- Stephen Strange!- That was wand-boys name!

Anyway!

He had been bugging the shit outa you ever since you left the lake house.

You could kill him.

Texts, emails, letters, calls, fucking popping out of nowhere. With all this "we're not done yet" bullshit. Yada, yada, yada. To be completely honest, you didn't listen to a single word he ever said, so you wouldn't know.

Luckily, he didn't randomly pop out from one of his orange portals, as much as the other things. So, you didn't have to actively try to dodge, escape, and punch him the fuck out evade him all that much.

But you could still fucking kill him.

Currently, you were stood, overlooking The Hudson River, staring at The Statue Of Liberty. The cold had just started to settle in, Autumn slowly turning into winter, frost visibly coating the ground.

Natasha loved this time of year.

It wasn't too hot that she would feel like she was melting, and it wasn't too cold for her to have to bundle up too much to step out. It was just perfect. She always liked it on the chilly side.

You remember once a few years ago before you had even met Penny and started this whole heart-breaking spiral. Natasha had dragged you out of the tower, her hand in yours as she literally dragged you. And towards the coffee shop she had recently found in the Soho area, what she was doing there in the first place, you didn't ask, out of fear of being threatened. Because you knew Natasha would never, actually, hurt you.

It was a fantastic day out.

One of the best times of your life.

The day had started off early, at around ten AM at that coffee shop, which you had to admit, was amazing. Followed by a store Natasha wanted to check out for Clints Christmas present. Then you had lunch, followed by more shopping.

You were pretty sure this was all one big day for Natasha to find out what gift to get you. But, none the less, you spent the entire day together. Even ending the day by staying over at Natasha's apartment, after walking her home. Because you were a gentleman like that. And also, there were way too many bags for her to carry.

Who knew that the Black Widow could shop like it was a sport?

At the end of the day, you came to the conclusion that she would win gold in the Olympics for it if she could. She could win gold in the Olympics on most of the sports if we're being truly honest.

It was a date.

Not your first one, by far.

But it was a date.

You realised that now.

Way too late.

That wasn't just Natasha's way of finding out what to get you for Christmas. She wanted to take you out on a date.

And you were way too fucking clueless to realise that.

You just wish you could make up for that now.

You wished you could hold her in your arms again.

The way you were always supposed too.

Not as friends. But as lovers.

But now, you had to live without her. So you did what you always did to get through the day.

You drank.

You found the closes bar that was open at the early hours of the morning, sat down on one of the dingy stools, and drank.

Little did you know, that sitting at that bar, would change your life forever.

***

The sound of glass smashing behind you caused your eyes to snap wide open, startled at the sudden noise. But you didn't care enough to turn around and check the commotion out, from your place leaning on the bar, with your glass of whisky pressed to your temple.

"This is bullshit!" Came a gruff voice.

"Hey," that same voice said. It's owner shoving against your shoulder harshly, "Avenger."

"That's not my job anymore," you replied coldly, to the scruffy man, with a long dirty blonde beard.

You had seen him around this bar, that you had quickly made your regular, but had never caught his name.

"No, but you were one," he spat out drunkenly.

"Well done," your tone was sarcastically chipper, "Would you like a sticker for being such a big, smart boy?" The sickly sweet smile that was on your face fell, as you turned back to take a hearty swig of your drink.

"You motherfucker."

Just as he was about to shove you off of your stool, the bartender spoke up.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you. Do you really want to go up against an ex-Avenger?"

"Shut up, Weasel!"

"Yeah," you told the bartender, smirking as you did, "He's a big boy, remember. He can make his own mistakes."

"'Mistake'?!" the bearded man barked out, "Ha! No. This is going to be the best thing I've ever done."

"I think you've drank too much there, dirtier Hagrid."

He slammed his fist down onto the bar, furious at your calm state.

"You see that up there?" He pointed up to the long chalkboard above the bar. "That's the Dead Pool, and you're the highest one to win-"

Without even sparing the board a glance you quipped, "Yes. I am able to read."

You didn't even flinch when the man flicked out a switchblade right by your cheek, just continued to drink your burning liquor.

"I want that money. And I'm gonna get it. But first, I'm gonna cut out your tongue so you can't say any more smart-ass remarks."

"Wow. 'remarks'. That the smartest word you have in your vocabulary?"

A laugh sounded from behind you. One, predictably, from your new-found friend, Wade. Just as the man to your lefts anger bubbled up, flowing from the brim.

"Oh, you motherfuck-"

He brought his blade back, intending to stab you in the back, as he spoke. That is before your almost empty glass smashed into the side of his face, glass flying everywhere, especially into his face and your palm. The man yelled out in pain. And before he could retaliate by trying to stab you again, you quickly disarmed him, fracturing his arm as you did so. Then plunging the switchblade into his right thigh, making him scream out in pain. Ad finally, you delivered a crushing blow to his chest, by kicking him down to the floor, along with a couple of barstools, breaking a few of his ribs in the process.

Most of the people in the -once nunnery- bar, sounded out their happiness at witnessing a fight, no matter how outmatched the people were to each other. While the man groaned on the floor, trying his hardest to stand up, while a few of his buddies helped him up.

"Told you so," Weasel said offhandedly, his face sporting a cringe.

"You sonofabitch!" he spat out -like, literally spat... gross-, as he tried his hardest to keep his tears at bay.

"You- You stabbed me," he stuttered, pointing at you.

"That's right, Einstein. I did."

"You'll pay for that. You'll fucking pay!" He hoppled closer to you so that you were now face to face. Leaving his buddies behind.

"I can't wait." You smiled.

"There's no fucking wonder the bitch you drank overthrew herself off of a fucking cliff." Your smile dropped. "Anything to get away from you. To never have to see your face again."

Bad idea.

Your sight turned into an intense hue of red, so much so that the man's beard turned ginger.

Rage boiled up within you. The only other time you had felt this angry was when you found out that Natasha was gone, and she was never coming back, and that it was all that purple Titan's fault.

You hit him.

Of course, you fucking hit him.

With all your might.

No one said that kind of shit about Natasha. And especially not to your face.

But you weren't fighting a titan this time.

You were fighting a drunken burly man.

A drunk burly man who could take a fucking punch.

But you chalked that up to his adrenaline and how intoxicated he was.

He was sure to feel it all in the morning.

He stumbled from your punch. The knife, still in his leg, tearing against his flesh, causing more blood to spill from the wound.

And for Weasel's skin to tingle green, when he saw it.

The bearded man's friends rushed up to him, as yours did the same to you, holding you back from the man. As you roared at him.

"You're one stupid motherfucker, you know that?! It's like you've got a fucking death wish!"

He spat blood at you while laughing, "You really think she loved you! Wouldn't she still be here if she did?!"

You exhaled hotly. Fury pouring from your every pore.

The familiar cold metal filled your hand as you pulled the trigger of your concealed gun, shooting the man between the eyes.

Okay... so, maybe he wouldn't feel everything in in the morning...

His friends were just as idiotic as he was. Them all moving to pull out their own guns, but you made quick work of them.

Two more head shots. And one shot to the neck.

Even drunk, your marksmanship was impeccable.

"Well..." Wade said slowly, as the whole bar grew silent. Patting you on your back, he continued, "You just won yourself ten grand."

"Awesome," you muttered, "I'm buying everyone their drinks for the rest of the day!"

That got the bar cheering again.

"What the fuck, Y/L/N?!"

You turned around at the new voice. Coming face to face with Nick Fury, who looked beyond angry.

"Nick!" you cheered, "Take a seat, have a drink.- I'm paying!"

"Yes. I heard."

The man watched you for a few moments, noting how intoxicating you were. But was still able to see the coldness behind your eyes, that wasn't there before.

But a lot of things had changed since then.

Fury sighed.

"We need to talk."

***

"Hey, Weasel! Can I get another drink over here, please?!" you called over to your friend and bartender, who nodded at you.

You sat at a small table in the back of the bar, with Fury to your right, and Wade to your left.

The bodies of the four men you had shot down, already cleared away, and the drinks you had promised the patrons, poured.

"You still shot down four men in cold blood, Y/L/N," Fury continued on with his rant, that had been going on since you first sat down with him, not even fifteen minutes ago. You rolled your eyes, just as Weasel cam over, placing a full bottle of whisky down in front of you.

"If it makes you feel any better," the bartender began, facing Fury, "Those guys were plotting to kidnap some kids for ransom."

Fury just starred at the fidgeting man, with a blank eye. No emotion showed on his hard face, which only made Weasel more anxious.

"Right. I'll just go then."

"It makes him feel better, Weasel!" you called to the retreating man.

Even after months of not seeing the man, you could still read his, almost always, blank face, like an open book. It was a skill you wore proudly like a badge of honour. You doubted if your skill would ever fade.

Fury 'humphed' at you. Knowing full well that you were right, as he watched you take a swig of whisky straight from the bottle.

"You've changed, Y/N."

"No shit," you said harshly, "Wouldn't you?"

Fury sighed, for the umpteenth time since you've been talking to him.

"Listen Y/L/N-"

"Sorry to interrupt," Weasel said, "Making you smile into your bottle of alcohol, "But not really- What happened yo your eye?"

"He won't tell you, trust me. I've been asking him about it for years."

Wade hummed, squinting his eyes at the scars coming from behind Fury's eye patch, from his half rolled up mask, while taking a sip from his pina colada.

"My eye is not the focus, right now," Fury barked.

"Oh, but can it be?"

"Yeah, I beg to differ," Wade carried on, waving his finger at the fore talked about eye, "It looks like you got scratched by an itty-bitty kitty-cat."

"Bold words from the man whose lips look like a gaping asshole," Fury fired back, causing you to laugh so hard that tears started seeping from your eyes.

You wiped at your eyes as you regained as much of your composure as possible at that moment. Muttering to yourself, "I'm so drunk."

"Okay, listen. I came here for a reason- Don't." Fury pointed at both you and Wade, glaring at you in warning as to not interrupt him, with your remarks, or just in a general. "Strange has been trying to contact you, Isn't that right, Y/L/N?"

"Yeah. He wants me to work for him, go back to work for you, or something. I don't know, I didn't listen to him. He can go fuck himself."

"Strange?" Wade asked

"Yeah." You nod. "The portal guy I told you about."

"Oh. Shitty Harry Potter?!"

"That's the bitch!"

"Okay, that's enough!" Fury yelled, slamming his hands down onto the table, causing the drinks upon it to shake.

"Okay, damn. What's up you dating him, or something?" you asked.

"No, I'm not dating him," Fury growled.

"It's okay if you're gay." You nodded at Wade's words. "We don't care. We're both gay as fuck."

"I'm not!" Fury stopped himself from fishing his sentence, taking a breath and then exhaling it before he started speaking again. "I'm not dating Strange. But you do need to talk to him."

"Yeah, not gonna happen."

"Just hear him out."

"There's no reason for me too! What? He's gonna ask me to help him out with some hero bullshit. Well, I don't do that anymore."

"Yeah, I've noticed with all of the vigilante work you've been doing with your new friend here." Fury nodded towards Wade, who placed a hand over his heart.

"Oh, you've heard of my work. You flatter me."

"I'm not a vigilante I'm a hitman," you spoke at the same time.

"You're a what?"

"A hitman. If I'm gonna do this shit, might as well get paid for it." You shrugged.

"Or you could not just do it."

You shrugged once again. "It's what I'm good at. And it's the only thing that seems to distract me from this unbearable pain- Well. That and drinking. Also, weed. So much weed."

Fury put his head in his hands, shaking it against his palms, because of your words.

"Good job, Y/N. You broke him!"

"Stop it, both of you," Fury muttered.

"I know, it's so easy. It's a skill really."

"Stop," Fury ordered.

"What's up, Nick?" you asked, "Someone bugging you? Need me to kill ew? I'll give you a friend's and family discount."

"Just listen to strange!"

"Okay."

"Wait. Really?" Fury asked.

"For the right amount."

You smirked as Fury groaned.

"I'm not paying you to listen to Strange."

"Then I guess I ain't listening to him then."

"He wants to talk about Natasha!" he yelled.

Slowly pulling the whisky bottle from your lips, you placed it back on the table.

"What about Natasha?" you asked blankly.

Fury sighed again, thankful that you were finally listening to him. "Listen to what he has to say."

"What does he have to say?"

"It's better coming from him. I don't know everything and I know you'll have a lot of questions. Most of them stupid."

Gritting your teeth, you exhaled deeply. "Fine... I'll talk to him."

"Thank, God."

"You gonna set up a meeting for us?"

"No need." Fury smiled."What do you-?" Suddenly you screamed, plummeting down the portal that just materialised on the seat of your chair.

"Now we're playing with portals!" Wade joked.

Fury shook his head, picking up his drink. "I hate you."

"So... what is the story with your eye?"

"Go fuck yourself, Wilson."

"Well, if you insist."

***

Permanent Tag List: 

@imnotasuperhero, @veteranwerewolf95, @natasha-danvers, @marvelfansince08love​

[dottenator]

@hussie

Respectfully....

WHAT THE FUCK

One little note before I begin my serious thoughts: Hussie how could you kill the Mayor? It absolutely pales in comparison to everyting else, but come on dude.

I'm gonna try to work out my frustrations in the order I read these, meat and then candy, so....

Meat

How dare you do this to Dirk.

That's the thing which keeps sticking to me, honestly. They won! The game is over, Dirk has friends who love him, why this?? Why is Dirk destined to go completely nuts and do such horrible and awful things, ciolating the mental autonomy of everyone he supposedly cares about? Jake and Jane's feelings in the earlier parts of the epilogue, before the meddling becomes so overt, are significantly more creepy and invasive once it becomes clear that Dirk is making them think like this. The way they break down with his influence removed is horrifying. Dirk is such a fantastic character and I'm supposed to accept that he never grows out of thinking he can control everyone? That I'm not allowed an epilogue in which he calms the fuck down and lets himself not be in charge? I don't care at this point of that's considered wish fulfillment, give him a HAPPY ENDING for once. Not this bullshit. I'm not even gonna call that ~~Ultimate Self~~ thing by the name of the character I love. He doesn't deserve this.

Rose and Kanaya were our one good thing, and then this?? Dirk fucks with Rose's autonomy and fragile mental state to trick her away from her wife forever? The Rosemary wedding was the best thing about the original snapchat epilogue. The two of them are perfect for each other, they were happy god damn it, and I don't like any brand of storytelling that decides to split up the immortal god lesbians for pointless egotistical drama. Kanaya's fury and grief when she's allowed control over her own thoughts again is the most terrifying thing, because it really shows just how far from their understood, canon selves they really were in this epilogue. (The use of the word canon is really touchy to me after All This, but atm it's the best way to describe "the characterization we all know and love from previously established sources")

Everyone died beating English. Sure, why not. All the ghosts, Vriska, the teen kids, John everyone. It makes me unbelievably sad to imagine any of them dying (maybe not the ghosts), but with all the rest of this steaming pile of bullshit characterization I'm almost numb to it. Terezi is refreshingly real, still herself and completely believable, but when she gets back to Earth C she just. Doesn't talk to anyone? Doesn't get in touch with John or Karkat, doesn't tell anyone at all that John is dead? Why??? I'm baffled here. There's no closure to anything about Terezi here, except her personal emotions on Vriska, and who knows how valid that catharsis is with the fucking mind control narrative device everywhere. Also, fuck Hussie for making me read anyone claiming that John isn't important, or relevant, or an incredible and unique character. Was the Candy postscript supposed to imply she ended up with Dirk and Rose?? Why??? What the fuck is even going on here?????

Dave and Karkat were usually a balm to the whole bullshit, but like everything else they too are tainted by the overwhelming lack of consent in this whole epilogue. Do I think Dave and Karkat are a cute couple who should be together? Yeah. Do I think it should happen like that? Fuck no!!! They're both clearly uncomfortable with the whole situation, it all feels like an incredible violation of privacy and consent, and then right at the end it implies that Karkat isn't comfortable with how it happened and is oushing Dave away because of it! Like, fuck!!! This isn't what anyone wanted to happen! Let them figure themselves out on their own terms, with no weird narrative devices pushing them into it. Who cares how long it takes, they're all immortal!!!!!

Roxy is a cornerstone honestly. The narrative can't touch him, and I love him for it. Good for him. I really don't have anything to say on Roxy in meat, he's just fine, due largely to his immunity to the narrative bullshit.

Jane.......... I'm not sure. The bits from her point of view (though it's really unclear how much is her and how much is the narrative's influence) paint her as having some kind of reason for her troll-related policies, but really? There's no excuse for them. What the FUCK, Jane. Why does her entire future have to be molded by the influence of Condy? Can't we have a future without uncomfortable Trump parallels and the assertation that a beloved character is an asshole who wants to quash the rights of an entire species? Please Hussie I'm so tired.

Jake just makes me sad tbh. Don't have a lot to say on him. The narrative has been abusing him since Act 6 started, and the new narrative doesn't let up. Give this boy a break, I'm begging you.

In conclusion on Meat:

The parts where the muse is in charge, or where the narrative steps back and allows the characters to be themselves, are amazing. Fuck everything else, and fuck Hussie for making me read it. I'm too mad to think straight.

Candy

How dare you do this, to any of them?

The first heartbreak of Candy is Roxy/Calliope. John/Roxy is a sweet enough ship, but at what cost? They were so happy together, amd even John repeatedly points out in his internal monologue that it doesn't feel right to break them up. His conversation with Dave about sexuality and love is incredible, and up to chapter 14 the Roxy and Callir issue seemed to be the only sticking point in a much happier version

Then Dirk dies, and really? Really??? Fuck you. Fuck you for making me read that Dirk Strider would choose to end his own life when he realizes that he can no longer <i>control the minds of his friends and family</i>. That's fucked up in a million different directions. Fuck you.

Every songle thing Gamzee does makes me feel physically unclean. Is this supposed ti be a parody of poorly written fix-it fanfiction? A deconstruction of redemption arcs as a concept? It wasn't needed! Homestuck has redemption arcs already, Vriska and (Vriska) in particular bandied the idea around and deconstructed it fairly well, all of John's retcon powers were a fix-it fic, was ANY OF THIS BULLSHIT necessary??? It's a disgrace to the person Gamzee was before he went insane, and to everyone forced to read through his awful, awful dialogue.

Roxy was difficult to read in this epilogue, coming straight out of meat where Roxy was confident in himself and hid place in the world, then on to this Roxy who felt subtly wrong right up until her final conversation with John when we get her point of view on everything that's happened. Still mad about the Straight Married Babies Ever After, but Roxy at least is still #real, and I can respect her and her choices. (Except the ones involving Gamzee and funerals. I acknowledge that being weird about funerals is a known Roxy trait, but come on. Really??)

John feels like the point of view character again in Candy. He's the only one who seems to notice that something isn't quite right, his conversations with Terezi are incredible when they aren't slapping me in the face with the not-so-subtle wrongness of this universe, and his reconciliations with Roxy and Jake at the end are beautiful. I love that he at least tried to help little Tavros, no matter how it turned out, because he's a good fucking person!

Jake is a mixed bag. Am I happy with how he's treated in the first three quarters of the epilogue? Oh FUCK no. An I happy that he finally gets to be free by the end and be his own fucking person for once in his life? Absolutely. Give the boy some agency, and some GOD DAMN PANTS.

Jade honestly doesn't..... Do much? Either plot-wose or for me emotionally. She isn't in the epilogue much except as an obstacle for Davekat, which is really rude to everyone involved. I barely remember a time when I shipped DaveJade, and I don't think I ever shipped JadeKat, but after Meat I'd really hoped that that triad could work itself out. They had the potential to really be happy. Then it didn't, and she's never going to know why her husband didn't come back from investigating that strange building, unless she followed and found his corpse, dead for no apparent reason and not capable of being revived. I'm not sure which is worse. At least one of those has some kind of closure.

Karkat I actually really like in Candy. He stands up for himself, apparently finds love with Meenah, founds a moderately successful rebellion. Good For Him.

Dave is a clusterfuck of emotions, as always. Am I happy about his relationship with Jade? Not really, it seems by the end like he forced himself into it, thinking it was the right thing to do more than actually wanting it. Am I happy he got to meet and talk to Obama? Absolutely, though there is then the whole can of worms which is the canon Condy backstory. Not even touching that. After the speculation in Meat I'm thrilled to find out Obama did in fact god tier and escape the destruction of the universe. Dave is gay, he loves/loved Karkat, he's off to be the ~~Ultimate~~ version of himself and save the multiverse in the Meat postscript. Good For Him. (Also I can't be the only one who thinks Obama meant he and Dirk Fucked. Did that really happen? Did I dream that up??)

Rose and Kanaya were good too. Am I thrilled they found and raised Vriska 2.0? No. Am I happy they got to grow older together, immortal lesbian gods who are deeply in love? 10 million percent yes. Rose thanking John for the happy times with her family moved me. It didn't make it all worth it, but it helped soothe the burn this epilogue left on my soul.

Aside: I'm glad all the dead trolls are here? They're not double dead, this universe is somehow inside the black hole I guess (?), the generic dead (and Meenah and (Vriska)) get to do other shit too. Meenah/Karkat is sweet, Vriska got to kill Gamzee once and for all, I'm okay with that sequence of events.

Aradia and Sollux showing up made my day, I'm not gonna lie. They're great and hilarious. Alt!Callie's explanation of how a narrator's motives can shape a story helped me come to terms with Meat, as well as being just a fantastic bit of meta discussion.

That really just leaves Jane........

I'm not happy. Sweet baker girl is a tyrannical and genocidal despot?? No thanks. Abusive, xenophobic, asshole Jane, basically new Condy with a twist, is not something I'n gonna accept. The only time I sympathized with her at all was when her father died, and that was more for his sake than anything else. (Side note: where the fuck was he in Meat??)

In conclusion on Candy:

I don't know how anything could be as bad as Meat, but this is. Somehow. The light parts were lighter, but everything had a fundamental wrongness to it, and I couldn't be satisfied with any of it. At least Callie said none of it is canon, and she only stuck around to kill English once and for all and fix the narrative of Meat.

In Conclusion

Hussie, come out and fight me you COWARD.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

So the girl he was heavily involved with for years even tho his best friend was in a thing with her and they were the last ppl to see him alive before he killed himself has now also killed herself.

First of all - all my jokes are fucking tasteless now I feel like I wished bad shit upon him and got what I wanted. That's super low and tasteless and shameful to myself. Like even if other ppl don't know it's gross if you do and like I get why I did it as well - I cope through tasteless humor. It's passive aggressive. It's not me at my best moments even though I think it's funny as fuck.

Secondly OMG I don't have the tools to cope with this. This has been a point in our relationship since the very beginning. I and many other girls put up with his attachment to this girl who actually wasn't super interested in him and introduced the idea of polygamy to him. She was known to be a bit of a rat and like.. Not well liked by anyone but him, in all seriousness. Like if I died i think ppl would say nice things - this could be like a shrug your shoulders thing for many people. I never met her. I put up with him telling me he always loved her and he would be with her again with his other wives and like you knew he was deeply into her but again, she showed little interest back.

The thing is me and her share a ton of similarities and could've gone the same as eachother if life's journeys handed us different opportunities. She had a neglectful home life. Her parents seemed disattached and overall uninterested in her because they were themselves drug addicts and alcoholics. I believe her mother married a new man and she seemed exposed to sex early, early on. She began drinking at 13 and her parents were quite cool and lenient which seemed to lead her obviously to partying and heavy drugs and casual sex. She was not well off nor were her parents and several times he told me she suffered from eating disorders and self harm, she seemed to potentially have prostituted herself at times and was inappropriately sexual in public to a point it made multiple people uncomfortable.

He sometimes told me we needed to meet because we'd get along. Many times I felt like perhaps because we shared alot of traumas and then deal with people like him.

I'm not saying he's the reason because he's not at all. If I died, he wouldn't be the reason. But people like him are people we encountered everyday. And she obviously suffered more ridicule than I did.

He said, "she was a flight attendant and had this and this going for her I don't understand"

You don't understand depression then. And people like you are people who depressed people encounter every fucking day. They are constantly expected to overcome and put on a show like becoming a flight attendant as a full blown drug addict. There a problem and it's a problem if you believed she was functional because she wasn't because she's dead.

Of course, I've spent days lamenting life. I shared with him my non existent will to live. I cried and he told me to get a job. You know, like her. She was a partial example of getting over your shit. But she wasn't at all. She was a hardcore drug addict. He ignored my cries for help, he mocked my depression, belittled my traumas and told me it was all such a burden on HIS life.

And then she dies.

Where do we go now?

And I feel selfish for at all making the death of a poor young drug addicted woman about myself in any way at all especially not knowing her. It's not my place to be involved at all in her death, I think not even in this mental capacity. She deserves the respect of not having randoms feel bullshit -esoecially selfish bullshit - on her death. At least. Like just let the person be now -especially now. I felt this about my mother. Here was a sick person. They were not well. No matter how much you wanted or perceived them to be they weren't well. And when you carry it for so long that's a dramatic burden on your being. Let their souls fucking rest. No more analyzing

But here I am. A moral piece of shit. Making it about myself.

How can I not? My first thought is wow I can't die. Not right now. Like I struggle every single day not wanting to die because I wake up and immediately I'm like fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. For a week the first thing I ingest in my body is smoke and I can't not fucking do it. Today it took me several SEVERAL hours to get out of bed. I accomplished showering. I responded to two messages of importance. I ate only because a friend bought me dinner. I have just sat. And I'm not even anxious about the fact I'm staring at a fucking wall for several hours. I'm almost content because why am I fucking here at all. Why does this world exist? Why is my life this way-? I know it's my journey but holy fuck is this journey extremely tragic. Not even like to me like even around me the tragedy which I've heard and seen is so enormous I can't even comprehend how people are convincing themselves this is all okay?

But now to make this choice among this tragedy - the legacy I leave is mostly hurt. It would've been painful before but to knowingly do something like that after this is so vicious and terrible. I would need years away from him before I did not lay huge guilt on him. And like no one deserves such levels of grief in this world because I know this pain and it's always painful when someone does but taking your own life is serious. I've never thought it wasn't. It creates immense issues for the people alive. My dad didn't even kill himself and I deal with issues but someone who does this so randomly and selfishly - really unbearable pain. You have to really deeply consider what you're doing and your personal pain has to be so fucking large that it's worth dispersing among others permanently while you disappear. And I totally get why people do it. And maybe she didn't kill herself. Maybe she overdosed and died accidentally. But is it an accident to be a drug addict? To lie to yourself your functioning when you drown in a bathtub?

He was overwhelmed with the options he had in front of him now. He "can't even come home". He doesn't want to go through the remembrance. We briefly agreed that we still wanted to talk to eachother. He told me he loved me and thanked me for taking his call.

I had nothing for him. Perhaps it dawned on him that he just created a situation I had no part of but now was dealing with gracefully and respectfully and in consideration to his feelings. But would still create an emotional impact on someone still struggling, regardless.

Because the whole fucking thing is so complex I have no idea how to handle this. I am almost actually worried that it will be a wake up call for him and he will change in a direction I might have "wanted" previously but obv under these circumstances... I don't know. Like someone had to die for that to happen and that doesn't make me feel good.

Maybe he never comes back. Maybe this is it now and he permanently moves to be away from all the memories.

Maybe he goes back on drugs. Goes to her funeral, gets caught up, does drugs and dies too.

It's hard, you know? Life is sick. I love this person. I want to be with this person long term. We are both so traumatized and under the radar so long that our separate bitterness turned towards each other and we both brought entire semi trucks full of baggage into this. I love him though. I have never loved someone like I've loved him. I never chose him out of desperation. He truly demonstrated a real care in his messed-up ways. Not like he carved my name in his arm but like struggling under huge anxiety and depression to demonstrate love to them and that was and is really hard to do especially consistently. He tried. He took me places I've never been just to show me. The love he has had for me is not something anyone else has ever had. No one else wanted to show me the world because they wanted me to see. I know the exact moment I fell deeply in love with him and we lived sometimes I romantic dream. If you cherry pick our best moments, it's beautiful. The fact two super fucked up ppl, a former drug addict and a mentally unwell person created beautiful moments is a feat on its own. These are times where both of us had to find a reason to live to give to one another something. They are deeply empowering moments of the pureness of life on this planet and I've never connected with anyone else that way but I still had like a deep first love with my Oshawa ex. I do love him. I still do. I won't stop but I'm not in love. And I will probably overcome this and create a new never before seen world with someone else and it won't belittle the unique beauty I shared with them.

I don't want to cut ties with him. It really hurts my soul to not be in contact with him regularly. It's not an obsession or compulsion - it really hurts because I love him.

But I also can't deal with this. It hurts that I legitimately have to continue to move forward in life and it's like obvious "the best thing to do" is "keep trying" for his sake so he's not dealing with it even though I really need love and support right now.

And now it's like a huge volatile gamble. Let's state the obvious. Will he attempt a solid relationship now that he's lost her? The one other person who might have had a sliver of affection towards him this way. I can't think about that in order to really be healthy. I can't invest because I hope this changes him. It's kind of rude.

Here's the totally crazy mystical out of my mind delusional theory:

I keep thinking that like a thing happened on the island. And maybe it's like I never felt these things before because I was disconnected and once I took the step to connect in like a spiritual way that perhaps things like began to attach themselves to me and accompany me on my journey and I think that maybe they affect things in life but you have to be actively open to what they're affecting. Like I felt I needed to sit at the aboriginal day thing and hear an elder speak and it wasn't like he gave me info but he like.. He gave me something deeper. And these native things keep coming up over and over and I don't feel more attuned I feel like its presenting itself to me and I'm choosing how to act and perceive. And I don't think they're angry with me or my life. I think they're trying to help me. And I guess in this fucked up way I feel like this was slightly on them. And like I think spiritually things are ambiguous - is it evil to do this? Did I attract evil things that did an evil thing? I think it's their existence and I think they don't have total control. Like they can't magically give you a phone call with all the things you wanted because so many things have to take place in other people's lives for that to work. I don't believe if any of this is remotely a thing that they would've killed her. Like went out and targeted her specifically to benefit my life. But I think for a brief moment in time, they flew through everyone's lives and reset the story. I think they can't decide who dies. Maybe not even when. But I think they can influence the journey of someone else and without malicious intent create brief moments in time with all their might and power in all the quantum physics that may solely only benefit the life of one person. "benefit" because if it's true I think it's a stark reminder that you're not always going to get what you wish for the way you wished for it. Perhaps "the only way" this would've worked is if she died and considering her life choices it's not unlikely it would've happened anyways, they just maybe rearranged the timeline. And I guess if true it's important to acknowledge that they may have taken time from someone else to give to me because of how deeply I wanted it without concern for others. That's an important power in this spiritual world to have and no guarantee. Like they just created a scenario, they didn't create the result. Whatever an individual chooses is up to them and it's not if we didn't get together they died in vein but that instead of focusing so much on what I want I should deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeply consider how much I want it and would I want someone else to literally die for it.

Maybe it "works out" (it doesn't, she's dead). Maybe he realizes that he fucked up with her and he has a chance to redeem himself still with me. Maybe he begins to see my true struggles. Maybe he decides life is too short and unpredictable to "wait for the farm" because people will literally die before it happens. Maybe he comes home and decides finally that we can live together (not right away). That we need each other.

How can it happen wrapped in her death? Plagued by her memories. Is it real? Is it just fear?

I'm still bitter. I can't turn it off. I said nothing, really. I don't know what to say. It's better in my experience to say nothing when everything you have is shit.

I guess now it's to wish for him to come home but I should specify alive. And not on drugs. Not insane. It's sad he's alone right now. It's sad he made that choice.

He's honestly been my reason to be alive for the past two years. He made life bareable. I don't know what to do with anything without him because my will to live is gone.

I guess I'm a selfish terrible person.