#and I hope the procedure they do today won't be as painful as tuesday

[b4um3pfl4um3]

Sitting in the waiting area at the dentist office and I just heard one of the secretaries exclaim loudly "KENNEDY????". As it turns out they were talking about a certain location and we do have a John F Kennedy Plaza in our town but it was super funny just suddenly hearing a loud "KENNEDY???".

[cariposa1990]

So it's Thanksgiving morning and I haven’t started cooking and I actually wont till like around twelve. We aren't having a lot of people over I think if much it'll be like eight of us, so we aren't making much or should say I'm not making much. I think I mention it in my last post, this is the first year I am making Thanksgiving dinner alone I told my mom I would take care of it. I'm actually looking forward to it.

So there is that and am grateful and blessed but can't help to feel a dark gloomy cloud over me.

I was thinking about my siblings this morning, like how we are all spending today with our families well obviously my family is theirs but I mean my sister it’s her first official thanksgiving as a newlywed and my brother with the new baby. So it's all nice and I’m super happy for them it;s a year of many firsts. But in thinking of them I also started thinking of how my surgery is this upcoming tuesday.

Now I know today is not the day to be thinking of that but I mean shit just pops up it's not like I was like, oh let me think of this today and feel some type of way.

The way my siblings come into this is because I still haven't told them. I usually don't tell them till like a day or two beforehand. I don't like to worry them and I don't know, I don't really like answering questions sometimes mainly because I don't know how to talk to them without giving away that I am scared shitless.

But in thinking of them and everything that is going on I dont know it kinda started hiting me that oh fuck I’m havning surgery in four days, and yes I know its not major surgery and that this is basiaclly a routine procedure.

I don't know if I mentioned before what am getting done but it's a second surgery to bring up my fistula because the first one went well but the doctors are saying that its to deep and when its actually time to use it, it would be hard to access. So they are going to go back in and bring it up more. Right now I have it like on the inside of my elbow the second one will be more up by my bicep. The doctor said it would be a good size scar I'm like at this point I don't think my scars really bother me anymore. But there is always that fear of going completely under. Like what if I don't wake up what if something happens? see I have such a twisted sense of things that I’m like will any of that even matter? Like if I die ok I die, I mean it's not like I can put in a complaint or fill out a suggestion form. Da hell I'll be dead not giving a shit. at least I hope I won't be one of those vengeful ghosts just haunting people and stuff. Even though I always joke around and tell my friends I will be coming back to mess with them. But see being rational and thinking about it, truth be told what does it matter? Once you go under nothing matters for that amount of time that you're out. Still I think it's normal to feel the way that I do at moments I get scared and others I’m like its okay everything will be fine. What always scares me the most is waking up and the pain, the fact that I’ve had nurses tell me oh it's not that bad I don't know why you're hurting so much. Like I get it you see a lot of these procedures done and most of them are pretty much the same but unless you know my medical history or my tolerance of how much pain I can handle or how my body reacts to pain I don't really think it's your place to downplay or comment on my pain or how I’m reacting. I guess what's also scary from all this is the fact that they are doing surgery with your veins and arteries, this shIt makes you think like what if something happens? I guess that’s the whole point of this entry the “what if’s” I guess this is where I need to walk by faith and leave my fears and worries in God’s hands. I will...eventually. As the day nears I will either drive myself more crazy or accept that everything will be ok. Well beautiful human thank you for reading a crazy girls thoughts today. What scares you? Do you have any fears? Or what makes you nervous? Blessings and light always sent your way