#and I guess I really care about people's approval since I just prefer to be quiet about it

[2024skin]

Like gay sex is always gay sex and I wouldn't call it "Sapphic sex" or anything dumb like that but I have had a problem with calling myself and my relationship business gay for like a long time now

[k-tarotz]

i dont know if you would do astrology placements or zodiac signs but in any case i will ask and if not ignore this ask, what zodiac signs placements would bts fs have?

thanks a lot in advance!

this ask is actually very interesting!! i will try to give it a go ,, thank you for sending in the ask

way of doing the reading: I will do the reading based on tarot, not by analysing the birth charts. someone who has passion for astrology could be better at this than me, I do this for fun, not as a certain statement. the question I will ask is, “what astrological placement of (blank)’s future spouse show through the most? “. If someone is really good in astrology feel free to correct me if I say anything that could be incorrect.

Jin - Capricorn! The energy surrounding his FS is very loving, caring kind and supportive. Filled with warmth, but the first colour that comes through when thinking about this person is pastel green so that could be their main aura colour. Which would explain the compassionate, forgiving and healing energy that surrounds them. An extremely selfless person. Since their guides are leading me to focus on how his FS treats others I assume the Capricorn placement lays in their 3rd or 11th house. Mercury, Venus or Mars are also options here. I am not quite sure but my best guess is that they have multiple Capricorn placements and it shows through most in Mercury due to communication and in Mars due to action. [ queen of pentacles ]

Yoongi - Sagittarius! Now, his FS is the kind of person that burdens themselves with the problems of others. Making things harder for themselves, just so they can help others have a brighter future. They do also believe that because of this, sooner or later they will be rewarded in life even if they can’t immediately see this. Meaning, potentially believing in good karma. Their energy is rather sad and burdened, so this is a kind of person that works hard and swallows their problems for a better future, because they believe it’s the best. A person that is very hard on themselves, believes they should endure hardships rather than reach out. They can handle themselves though, they don’t enjoy being pitied. There’s just this potential of being too giving to the point they hurt themselves mentally. So because of this I believe that their placement is either in 11th or 12th house, although the later is more likely. Possibly in Mercury, but not necessarily. [ ten of wands ]

Hobi - Taurus and Capricorn! Now, I would like to point out that the card that fell out for Hoseok is associated with these two zodiac signs, to the best of my knowledge. I do think his future spouse is someone that is very unique, extraordinary if you will. I do not mean they are edgy, quirky or anything of the sort but rather they are unapologetically themselves without the desire for approval from anyone. They don’t copy anyone to be seen different by other people, rather they just allow themselves to be who they are. Due to this they will know exactly how to love him the way he is and in what way to respond to his different moods without making anything heavy or awkward. I truly do think they are soulmates as his future spouse has a very unapologetic way of loving him as well. Meaning they do it with their full heart, not caring about the opinion of other people and just doing what is best for the both of them. They know how to take care of him and they know he got their back as well. They could also be very successful in their field regardless of what their job is, so they are a hard worker who knows what they are doing. My best guess is Taurus in Venus and Capricorn somewhere in 8th house. [ king of pentacles ]

For those who are curious I asked whether he is polygamous or not and the six of cups fell out. I will not be assuming about his romantic life or preferences, however if you wish to you can form your own opinion on it.

Namjoon - Libra! I actually shuffled twice for this due to being unsure, and both times a Libra card fell out so I would say that’s a pretty strong confirmation. Now, his person is a very strong minded, honest and just person who always does their best to be level headed and fair in situations. A good human to the core, is what they aim to be. They have a really strong sense of personal morals and discipline that they make sure to follow even on their hardest days. A very self righteous person who just aims to better this world. Though, they are also very playful and can be emotional if things go differently from what they expected, where Namjoon comes into play and helps ground them. It’s a very interesting dynamic, they lack where the other excels at which just causes them to have more love for one another and want to help each other out in hard times. Also, the attraction between them is strong, Beyonce’s Dejavu is coming through strong as a sign so I thought it’s important to mention. This could be either in their Sun or Mars sign, but that’s just my guess. [ queen of swords]

Jimin - Scorpio! Now, I know that a lot of people think that Scorpio as a sign is a very mean and bad one to have anywhere in your placement but that is certainly not true. A lot of Scorpio people are very tender hearted and just want what is best for people, which his FS’ is not an expectation from. This person has a very good heart but could be misunderstood due to their looks as they could have sharper features or possibly a colder appearance. It’s the kind of scenario where you shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover, you know? ‘Looks like they could kill you, but is a cinnamon roll.’ No, but seriously. This person is a really gentle person and desires the world to be a better place, possibly could often cry over world events that do not affect them, not because they are sensitive but due to having so much empathy within their heart. Due to this being the person they are to their core I do think this is either their sun sign or 12th house energy. [ death ]

Taehyung - Pisces! Now, I would love to point out that his FS spouse is extremely loving and most important of all mature. They will have a family together for sure and this person is very much aware of to take care of everyone in the way they need it yet they still feel like they aren’t lacking in anything at all, rather even grateful for the things that they have. Also, their loyalty is very much so highlighted and this pure, raw and genuine love they have for Taehyung. I am not saying he would, but even if he were to hurt them they would forgive him without having any kind of hatred in their heart. The best way I can describe them is ‘saint’. The kind of person to not judge, let alone hold a grudge towards their loved ones or anybody else. They were put on this earth because they are made to love wholeheartedly, really. My best guess is their placement being in 7th or 4th house looking at the fact that family and a stable home is very important to them.

Jungkook - Leo! Their person has a very fiery energy, I think the tower at the bottom of the desk proves this as its related to Aries. This person is very calm, collected, rational, intelligent and friendly, but, they are not going to shy away from a fight if they need to be involved in one. Especially if it’s about their loved ones. Of course, they will stand up for themselves too, but if a person they love or adore is being hurt or disrespected the person provoking them better prepare for what’s coming next. They can use both their words and their fist, whatever is necessary tbh. I do not think they look for fights on purpose though, it’s just that they have quite a strong personality and their own way of dealing with things. They don’t mean harm. As previously said, they are quite friendly and laid back. Really playful as well. Could at times playfully bicker with Jungkook, which he would actually like, it could bring out his competitive side a little bit. Aiming to “win”, I do think it’s something he likes about them. This could sit in either their 11th or 10th house although I think 10th is more likely. Possibly their moon as well.

that’s all! remember that this is for fun, don’t take it to heart. after all I do not know any of these people personally,, regardless I do hope it was a fun read!!

– Candy

[clatterbane]

Oh yeah, about that persistent anemia that the new endo pretty much flipped over...

Yeah, I developed some suspicions of my own there, and it took maybe 2 seconds of searching to turn up plenty of info about PPIs directly causing iron absorption issues too. 🙄 Besides the other minerals I already knew about. They're pretty well known for that, leading to bone density problems for some people. Most likely also the reason my sodium and potassium levels have kept coming back just under the acceptable range too. You fuck around with the balance of digestive secretions and pH, it may have some unintended effects!

I've been stuck on high-dose PPIs ever since that big DKA crash in 2020 damaged my digestive system. They've actually kept me on the maximum dosages approved for adult humans, but I've ended up cutting it back some myself to the point that it's just higher than usual. (Partly to hopefully also cut back somewhat on potential side effects like this, but also thanks to repeated pharmacy supply issues with formats I can reasonably swallow with my now fucked-up esophagus!)

Never had any notable reflux issues before, but with that damage there's nothing really keeping the stomach acid down where it belongs. With evidence of that from some truly unpleasant testing where they dangle sensors down your throat. And of course they're trying to keep more acid from doing more damage. Some of that effect if I don't have the meds is probably from rebound acid overproduction, but if I don't take them for whatever reason now it gets ugly within a few days!

So yeah, I do seem to be stuck on the PPIs for the forseeable future now, whether I like it or not. It's just good to know that I do need to make sure to take in extra of certain minerals on a regular basis to try and compensate for that.

Am I surprised that two endos now, and the GP I got referred to for more tests over it have just completely overlooked well-known effects of meds they knew I was taking regularly, and which are readily found immediately by plugging "PPIs iron" into your search engine of choice? Not remotely.

Nope, they'd prefer to mutter direly about rare liver diseases and all kinds of less likely possibilities--and order a zillion blood tests. At least they DO seem to like to order various testing here when something looks off instead of just ignoring it, I will give them that. Guessing they are not under the same kind of pennypenching pressure that kinda got me needing the freaking PPIs at all.

PPIs are more within primary care's wheelhouse than endocrinology's. But. the gastroenterology guy who has been prescribing the stuff for a good while now ALSO did not put together that the borderline low electrolytes he was concerned about in the context of anesthesia might have some connection there before I brought it up as a possibility. To his credit, he also did not act like I must be on crack mentioning it, or seem to take it as some weird challenge to His Authority. But, the guy--who does come across as smart and competent enough--had obviously never considered this as a possibility.

This shit may be anything but unexpected by now. But, it really does sort of bring home just how bad at least 95% of clinicians seem to be at diagnostic pattern matching, in general.

(I mean, working with patterns like this is just one of the things my own brain has Always Just Done. Getting it to fucking shut up sometimes when it's not being useful, and channeling it into actually productive avenues are the bigger challenge. Seems to be another on the less shitty side of those neuroweird superpowers. But, some of these otherwise intelligent people are just so damn terrible at it by just about any standards. At the risk of sounding like some kind of condescending prick.)

[danganronpasurvivoraskblog]

So like are Soudaionji gonna talk now?

Honestly, knowing that we'll all be living together in a place like this feels unreal. Never thought I'd see the day.

Yeah, well, I bet you never thought you'd see the day where you got stuck in a death game and started living on a tropical island either, huh?

Heh! True enough!

*As everyone splits off to claim their rooms and decorate the old place, Kazuichi sticks with Hiyoko and helps her sort through her own luggage.

You're leaving a lot of space on this side of the room.

Yeah, well, I need to claim at least half the stuff so my roommate can claim the rest. I might have a lot of stuff, but I'm not selfish with my living quarters.

Have you decided who you wanna share with yet? Seiko seems like a pretty obvious choice now that she's here; since Mahiru's staying with Izuru.

Um...Thing is...I was actually wondering if maybe YOU wanted to stay here?

M-Me? But...I...A-Ain't that a problem?

Why would it be?

Well...First off, you're always talking about how bad I smell-

Because you do.

Are you screwing with me!? Ugh...Look, I just didn't think in a hundred years you'd be asking some jerk of a guy like me to be your roomate.

I think you already know why, don't you?

I-I...Uh...Yeah, I guess I do...Even I'm not that dense.

Neither of us have been very honest about how we feel, have we? We're not very good at that...haha...

Do you...remember that time I told you that as stupid and lame as you are, there was always gonna be someone out there who would end up falling for you? Well, turns out that someone is me. How stupid is that.

But...why...? You never say good things about me.

And yeah, I know you don't always MEAN the harsh things you say; it's all in good fun at the end of the day! But...I guess I just couldn't get myself to believe it...

That's the problem with you. You've lived your life having so many insults hurled at you that you can't believe it when someone actually likes you, be it romantic or not.

But even though everyone thinks you're a coward, the truth is you always try to fight off your own fear and help his classmates. Even during the Killing Game when you kept everyone at arm's length, you did so many things and tried so many times to stop people from getting hurt, like when you tied up Nagito, and when you built that communication device for the hospital.

Sure, they never really worked out, but that's not your fault. And even though you're usually distrustful, you were still trying to help out people who were basically complete strangers to you. I think that's worth something.

You're also smart, and kind to people, and help them with their problems, and you care about the people around you...In a way that...I've never been able to...

What are you talking about? Back when I met you, you were an insensitive, selfish little jerk! Look how far you've come since then! You've made amends with Mikan, and you've stepped up to solve the problems you can! Every single one of us was distraught when you died!

And I've done little to earn that...Even now, just randomly asking if you'll be with me is selfish and stupid...What I'm trying to say is that you don't need to earn my approval or anything Kazuichi.

I can only hope to earn yours with something other than my looks...

Hiyoko...I...I don't really know what to say that'd make you feel better about all of this...It almost sounds like you want me to reject you...

I'd prefer if you did...One way or another, I want to put these feelings aside. And I don't want my image of you to be shattered if you pick a shallow girl like me.

...Well, that's too bad.

W-WOAAGH!?

*Kazuichi suddenly pushes Hiyoko onto the bed.

Wh-What do you think you're-!?

*She halts as he suddenly hugs her.

[katyspersonal]

Some more SOTE adventures! (Yes no work today)

1) I wasn't really sure what to do with myself for now since I prefer to meticulously explore corners of the map instead of going the 'straight road' (that's how I only got to Rellana later), so I went back to my sorry attempts to get down to that village-looking place down in Scadu Altus! And succeeded! Turned out it WAS the place that revealed more of Marika's backstory :') Bonny Vilage, where the potting is done!

(Also be careful if you are selling duplicates, it looks EXACTLY like Anastasia's butchering knife! Makes sense since both exist for the same purpose)

^ This weapon is found in a secluded building literally named Whipping Hut, also near the ghost that reveals the reasoning. I guess everyone and their dogs already got informed on the twist that the shamans stuffed in jars by Hornsent to become "divine" were Marika's village people, so I won't dwell on this. Also I assume the poison in question is that of giant scorpions since they're found in Belurat and close to this village? Old woman in Belurat also gives you scorpion stew if you speak with her wearing Lion Dancer's mask after reloading the area 🤔

2) There is shed snake skin in this place!!!

Really interesting 👀 It was also near a headless statue and I picked 'O, Mother' gesture from it

3) Cleaned the gaol associated with this area too! The boss was one of the "awful posture guys".. that turned out to be an awful posture girl x)

Yes, this boss interestingly was casting darkness all over the area, which is not something this type of enemy does! However, Lamenter also was using darkness if I remember correctly, and his mask says that the Hornsent were scared of this transformation and hid it away 🤔 This reminds me of those Omen Twins fought on the way to the Divine Tower of Morgott and Mohg, who were casting darkness. Basically I start to get a picture that there were things about Hornsent nature that even themselves were scared of! (Scared of the dark? Gwyn approves XDDDD) Just going to put a pin on that for later!

Also they better explain who the heck Labirith is later :/

4) More about this

Yes, I've finally finished grinding the full sets of both Horned Knights and Curseblades! Both sets include the bit about effects of the flasks lessening due to being nauseating! It is pretty clear by now that the Hornsent who currently exist don't know why Marika's people (her most loyal son more like) exterminated them, however their hatred and pain carries even onto their armors.

Have the Hornsent forgotten their history? But isn't the old woman in Belurat an Empyrean too? Would not she be old enough to remember why? Could the carried plot to butcher and """ascend""" the shamans have been not a common knowledge but only a doing of one like, cult within Hornsent? And yet the vengeance came for EVERYONE... Or Maybe Marika/Messmer never revealed who EXACTLY came after their kind for vengeance? Tea? (I'm gonna pick "cult" option for now.....)

5) SPEAKING OF OLD WOMEN,

I did not expect more Miriam info of all people!! @val-of-the-north you seeing this????Makes sense we found it in this building!

6) Yeeeeees I've met him when I went on another path from Bonny Village!

His hat resembles the statue we use to turn that Carian tower upside-down, where we fight Miriam again and in which we get to Ranni's quest secret place! And also unreal amount of wolves on the way to him and in his residence, who are carian symbol. So yeah this guy is 100% Carian!

7) He gave me a map and I'll need some time to figure out where the location is.. I could not use a simple map to save my life, just full topographic cretinism as usual!

8) This item is interesting though, as well as how his mansion is called Manus Metiyr! Manus means hand!

And there are giant fingerprints full of fingers on the overworld map, and those Fingercreepers, and Ranni's place had Cathedral of Manus Celes (celestial hand)...... things are starting to piece together 👀

9) Another mention-only character we will never see? :p Some engineer that created a gun that shoots magic!

That's it for now since I have to go.. But yes, now I am SUPER willing to know the deal with giant celestial fingers having once grabbed this land hfhgfhgh

[ejzah]

A/N: Oh, look who remembered this story!

***

No Matter How Far You Run, We’ll Draw You Back Again, Part 6

It had been several months since Kensi stepped foot inside the office of special project’s headquarters; not since the day she and Deeks officially worked their last day. It felt odd, foreign in away she hadn’t anticipated. Her fingertips prickled anxiety, both remembered and new.

She’d forgotten how she’d felt walking in to work every day. At least what it had become by the end.

“Kilbride’s going to have me butt for bringing you in here,” Sam said as they walked down the hall.

“No offense, Sam, but I really don’t care,” Kensi told him. Selfish as it may be, her only thought was for Deeks.

Sam nudged her shoulder, giving her a reassuring look. “I’m not complaining. Just saying you might have one less contact after this.”

His quiet absolution made her pause outside the bullpen. She would have figured out a way to get access to Kilbride, or someone who would help her eventually, but Sam had made the process significantly easier.

“Thank you, Sam,” she murmured. “I know you’re risking a lot by getting involved in this.”

“It’s worth it for you and Deeks. It always is for family,” he said solemnly. Then he nodded to the bullpen. “Kilbride moved his office to one of the rooms down the hall. Says people bug him less there. You want to wait here?”

Kensi glanced at the bullpen, slightly rearranged now with the desks bearing signs of new owners. She shook her head. “No. If I come with you, there’s less chance he’ll ignore me.”

Sam led her down the hall to an area Kensi rarely had reason to visit her entire time with NCIS. She could see why Kilbride preferred it though. It was secluded, with real walls that provided a level of privacy that suited his personality in a way the glass cage and Hetty’s spot never had.

Sam’s knock was met with a terse,

“Come in.”

Sam swung the door open, stepping to the side to reveal Kensi. A flash of surprise crossed Kilbride’s features when he saw her, which quickly turned to glare.

“Agent—Miss Blye, I figured I’d be seeing you soon,” he grumbled, looking to Sam. “This is a breach of security, Agent Hanna.”

“So fire me,” Sam replied easily.

“I’ll deal with you later.” Kilbride turned his attention back to Kensi. “What brings you out of retirement, Miss Blye?”

“Obviously you know about Deeks’ undercover operation. I’m concerned about him. I haven’t heard anything and it’s been weeks,” Kensi said with what she thought was an impressive amount of calmness.

Kilbride sighed, his shoulders caving. “I am too,” he admitted.

“Then why haven’t you done anything?” This time she couldn’t keep the frustration and despair from her voice. “He has no back up from what I can tell, he’s not even with NCIS, and he’s on a mission that everyone else has failed.”

“Because I’ve been ordered to keep my nose out of it.” Kilbride glared, though this time it didn’t seem to be directed at her. “The director of the FBI made it clear that this is his operation and he won’t have a problem taking out anyone who gets in his way.”

“Oh, so then I guess who cares what happens Deeks then.” Kensi laughed darkly, stalking closer to Kilbride. She shrugged, her anger rising with every word. “It doesn’t matter what he sacrificed for you and Hetty for years. The times that he risked his job for all of us and this country. He’s disposable.”

“Agent Blye, enough!” Kilbride snapped, and a part of Kensi relished in his loss of control. He looked down, settling a hand on his hip, and sighed again. “Sometimes I forget the two of you aren’t a fixture here anymore.” He pinched the bridge of his nose, facing away them for several long seconds.

“I’ll get Vance on the horn and see what he knows,” he decided finally.

“Thank you, Admiral,” Kensi said shortly.

“You’re welcome. That does not mean I approve of how you went about this all though.” Kensi didn’t comment on that, beyond caring about what Kilbride thought of her. “Go wait in the bullpen while I make some calls.”

***

Kensi sat on the edge of Deeks’ former desk; she could almost picture him sitting there, hard at work in front of his laptop. Or leaned back, a crooked grin in place. She could hear the echo of his laughter.

Closing her eyes, she forced herself away from that line of thought. They would find Deeks. He would be fine. She would hear him laugh, see him smile, he would hold their children again.

“Kensi.”

She jerked, not knowing how long she’d been sitting there, and quickly turned away, wiping her hands under her eyes.

“Kensi, are you ok?” Sam asked gently.

She nodded, not trusting her voice.

“It’s going to be ok.”

“I know,” she managed. “It’s just strange being back here.” She trailed her finger along the top of Rountree’s nameplate, which had taken the place of Deeks’. He kept a few more personal objects around than Deeks had. “I never thought I’d say this, but I kind of hate it.”

“A lot of things happened in this office. Good and bad,” Sam offered. “It’s ok to have mixed feelings.” He glanced around the room. “Callen says they won’t be back for a couple hours. You want to go grab a coffee while we wait?”

“No, I think I’ll stay here,” Kensi said. “I don’t want to be too far away.”

***

Deeks unlocked the metal gate, passing through several packets of food and bottles of water. Some of the younger girls hurried forward, grabbing it eagerly. Apparently his message to Paola had made the rounds, because they didn’t shy away from him like they did before.

“Where are the other men?” Paola asked, pausing to speak to the other girls as she helped pass out the provisions.

“Smoke break,” Deeks explained with a grim smile. “I figure they’ll be busy for a good half hour.”

“Don’t you think they’ll start to get suspicious if you do this every day?”

Deeks had considered that. He figured the risk was worth it to give these kids even a few minutes without worrying about violence, or worse. “They haven’t so far.” Paola continued to frown at him and he flashed her a reassuring smile. “I’ll be careful.”

Once he’d reluctantly locked the doors again, Deeks walked out of sight and slumped against a wall. He needed to act soon, because he was running out of time.

[somnolentleviathan]

So.. Modern fantasy au I guess? I could've just made him a demihuman with the same info and moved on but here I am at 2am

Now I don't have ideas for a plot but if I think of any I'll make another post

Again modern fantasy can be part of the Mafia ideas <3

If we do the Mafia idea I'm just using his original character sheet lore wise he would just be a snow leopard demihuman LOL - I may post another of the original but make him a demihuman and that's it so me explaining won't be so confusing 😭

For his first character sheet: X

Mafia ideas: X

Name: Sylus Love

Age: 24

Pronouns: he/him

Sexuality: gay

Looks: Has silver hair (which is dyed his hair is normally black) , grey eyes, - he's 5'3" - Has scar on his left eyebrow

- His outfits do vary from baggy outfits or crop tops with a jacket and always jeans

Personality: Caring to those around him, curious about everything, adventurous, professional yapper, patient and affectionate, he can be quite brash (though this is rare sometimes) and not afraid to back down - tends to start fights, he can be very jealous

Negative traits: Obsessive

Likes: - Sweets (mainly cookies), he really likes fish and wants a pet beta (white and black to match his hair) - tbh he would love his own little aquarium, loves rain, sharing food (loves hot pots), he loves any source of water and the life living in it

Dislikes: Sour food, the sun, doesn't care for dogs all that much, eating fish. Seeing people eat fish around him.

Powers: Snow leopard shifter !

- He struggles to control his powers sometimes and can't hide his ears and tail

Background:

[ Sylus didn't remember much of his life, one minute he was trapped in a hunters trap than he was in a witches house healing. He did learn that he could shift and that he was a familiar, which he was thankful it was another shot at life, but that good life was soon gone as his owner would get mad at him for every little thing. Got the wrong item? He was punished. Ate without approval? Punished. Even talking to certain people got him beaten. No longer trusting their familiar Leto cursed Sylus making the other have to follow every command that was spoken to them.

He eventually was able to escape, getting lucky as Leto forgot to chain up him, and forgot to lock the door. Maybe he was testing Sylus if the familiar would stay, but he didn't. Sylus stays on the run and is worried he will run into Leto again, mostly since the other is looking for him, mostly since Sylus is still cursed to listen to whatever command is thrown at him. Sylus is looking for a way to free himself from the curse. ]

Notes about him:

- Has ADHD, has sensory issues, he does have autism but is undiagnosed, anxiety and depression (which is also undiagnosed. Everything he has is undiagnosed.)

- He wants to study marine biology and has a huge love for water life

- Loves the cold, and tends to roll around in the snow human and animal form

- Complains about the heat a lot yet he still loves going to the ocean but prefers it on a cold day or rainy day

- On rare occasions he will eat meat raw but he prefers it cooked (he does refuse to eat fish)

- Due to the abuse caused by his owner his sense of hearing ain't that great (compared to how good a snow leopards hearing normally are)

- The curse works for anyone, if some stranger orders Sylus to sit he will

- Even after what he went through he is still rather very trusting of others

- Though just because he trust easily he tends to not give out his name that quickly worried someone will return him to his master and tends to ask the person if they know a guy named Leto, he also doesn't mention that he's cursed

- Yapper, just loves to speak and struggles to shut up - changes topics quickly

[queenmina37]

for your my ambition (will be your savior) AU

so we now know HOW they found out, but what do they do then. does Al call Izumi and tell her, how would Ed find out that they now know, does Izumi call HIM, or would he just go back to get his automail repaired just to get his head bashed in and kicked out. or would he even make it that far.

just, what next.

Ah, so, the thing is, nothing interesting happens.

By the time the people in Resembool find out, Al, Winry and Pinako have known about Ed being in the military for years. In fact, Al has been actively hiding that info from everyone in Resembool. And they get it, you know, because they wouldn't want anyone to know that they were related to someone who works for the military, so why would Al admit it? To them, it makes perfect sense, and they don't blame Al for hiding it. Al is probably going to be embarrassed that everyone now knows, at least for a while, but also, he's cut Ed off of his life completely.

Because, yeah, Ed doesn't go to Resembool. Ever. Not even for automail repairs. He already doesn't always go there in My Ambitions (Will Be Your Savior). He has a fucking apartment in Rush Valley. Even if he'd prefer it if the Rockbells did any major repairs, he's fine with other people doing them, as long as he knows they can do their job properly. Besides, since Al, Winry and Pinako found out, which is something that happens during the story so I'm not going to talk much about that, Ed's basically been a persona non grata at their house. So, yeah. He's been kicked out, cut off by them, and Ed may not be happy but he's okay with it because he knew that would happen and still chose military.

Al knows that Izumi knew. He's not happy that no one told him, but they're okay. He knows Izumi still has contact with Ed, too, but as long as she doesn't try to put them in the same room without his approval, he doesn't care. Her having a relationship with him doesn't mean she has to cut Ed off. Al doesn't ask her for any news about Ed, and Izumi doesn't tell him anything without being asked, so, yeah.

As for Ed finding out they know? Well... He never does. Because he doesn't visit Resembool, and why would anyone tell him? At some point, later in life, he's going to think "Oh, yeah, I think they probably did find out at some point, they still get news from around the country so they probably figured it out at some point I guess" and that's as much thought as he's going to give it.

Like I said. It's not really anything interesting. Nothing blows up, no one gets beaten up, or anything of the sort. People will gossip about it for some time, whispering about poor Al who has to live with the knowledge that his brother works for the military, and years down the line people will make a comment or two every now and then, but aside from that? Absolutely nothing happens.

I think I've said it before, but Ed and Al's brotherhood... Well. It doesn't really have a good ending in this story. They're definitely on the road to becoming estranged and having no contact with each other. In canon, they're close and constantly with each other, but in this story? They're already almost never in contact. Plus, they have very different ideologies (It's been at least hinted that Al also does not like the military, plus he's still a kid living in Resembool, he starts disliking the military more and more with each passing day, and then there's Ed, who wants to be a soldier and isn't about to quit just because everyone at Resembool hates it).

Personally, I don't think I've seen any fanfics where this happens to them, but I also can't really see a way for them to remain close, even as close as they are now.

(And that's all without even Al knowing how Ed got his body back, which... Uhhhh... Yeaaah... I don't think Al would approve.)

[maoam]

Hey. I have a few questions and they might be all over the place so apologies in advance.

What I don't really get is Sasuke's whole journey to atone for his sins things. What sins did he actually commit? The samurai went after him first. I guess he almost killed Karin but she was fine in the end. He tried killing Naruto too but that never went anywhere, Naruto understood what he was doing and where he was coming from after all. I guess Sasuke also planned on destroying Konoha but that also never went anywhere, and yeah he wanted to execute the Kage but again that never happened either. It seems to me he's on a journey for "almost sins". He told Sakura "my sins have nothing to do with you" and he tried killing her too, so all those almost murder attempts don't seem to weigh on his mind after all? Unless he just meant "My life has nothing to do with you at all Sakura." The only thing I can think of is killing Itachi and the sorting out of his feelings towards him perhaps? I mean I never expected Sasuke to stay in the Leaf Village though it seems he did spend a few months there after everything happened, but to primarily portray him like he did something wrong and that he needs to atone for stuff is weird. Am I missing something here? (I say primarily because he also added on that there was something bothering him, which I'm assuming is Otsutsuki related stuff). Anyways why is Sasuke the only one atoning and not the Leaf Village Elders who actually have some atoning to do? Doesn't make sense. Or literally any other criminal.

You also mentioned before that Sasuke seemed self-punishing at times. At the end of VoTE2 Sasuke was prepared to put an end to himself. But why would he accept Naruto's feelings and then just want to die? He said he doesn't care what other people think of him before so why would he did he say "the others may not agree" as if he needed their approval in the first place? Does this tie in to his whole sins things? That maybe he felt what he was doing was wrong so he might as well die but then because he agreed to cooperate with Naruto he still needs to self-punish in some way and go on a journey of atonement at least?

Sasuke telling Sakura his sins have nothing to do with her was just Kishimoto's way of making fun of her. And Sakura does hang her head in disappointment. She clearly seems to think she suffered a lot because of Sasuke's actions. Her "suffering" in Sasuke's hands is not relevant though. And I agree since she brought it on herself.

Konoha and even someone like Kakashi would think Sasuke committed sins since he went against Konoha and since he attacked the Kage Summit. I don't really feel Sasuke felt that bad considering his apology was pretty... lackluster.

I do think he wanted to do some self-reflection, and help others, and that he did regret the way he treated Naruto, though I prefer to think he eventually understands not to dwell on it. I think Sasuke's "others may not agree" might be him thinking Naruto is being too optimistic in his plans, rather than feeling sad others don't like him. That's why Naruto tells him to not mope. I think it's understandable that Sasuke would regret and feel bad about the way things went with Naruto, without it being a massively problematic thing like some Sasuke stans seem to think. Naruto doesn't expect Sasuke to grovel at his feet. He just wants Sasuke to understand he understands why he did what he did and that he could be in his place.

Your concerns are valid and that's why we consider the ending to suck. It doesn't make sense other than for Naruto and Sasuke's reconciliation. Even Neji's death sucked massively and that was before the ending.

[insufferable-homestuck]

So very tempted by the thought of being classpected by someone else. Personally, I've pegged myself as a Maid of Heart. I hope youre still accepting little clsspecting requests dhskbshs

I think one of my favorite things ever is creating something that people can really connect with- whether it be myself (or, my system, i suppose) or my friends.

I do a lot of art, a lot of writing. I'm very passionate about it! But in all fairness, it tends to loop back around to doing it for my buds. Most of my art is like, character references.

I also, do a lot of RP, which is what the character references are for, typically. A lot of my characters are just, like, fractals of myself. I realize that like, that might have things to do with being a system but oh well! All of my characters are parts of me. I know ppl put themselves into their characters, but this is different, I feel. But they aren't all like, self inserts, either. Its weird.

I am a trans man, if that means anything. For a very long time, I struggled with Identity and allowed the people around me to tell me who I am and what I'm allowed to like and interact with, all because I wanted their approval or affection. Since transitioning (i guess???) I feel so much better, obviously

What else is important about me fuck im trying to think

As mentioned previously, I'm a system. At least, I'm pretty damn sure. I've known for a couple of months now, Im not far along in the process of communicating well with the others. I've only had like, a couple of experiences that are like, ya know, clearly with system members.

I have, a lot of interests. And I'm very into them. It might be other people in my system having their own interests, but they are also MY interests, too. They're just more crazy about them than me.

I'm bad at communicating at times with people about my needs. I feel needy, emotionally, and I feel guilty about it

I feel like, I am stubborn. I have a hard time recognizing that there's a problem until it becomes unbearable or until someone has to smack sense into me.

I love horror stuff, especially the more psychological horror. I do like a bit o the gorey stuff. Shits classic. But im on that thought provoking shit. Im out here pondering what does it mean to be human and shit. It goes crazy

I have a hard time starting like, shows and games. I'll binge and then forget about it, and then I'll get intimidated by not remembering exactly where i left off and just never finish whatever it was.

This is so hard lmao i cant remember anything else go nuts

hey you heart obsessed fuck

everyone who has messaged me about this has described themselves as forgiving, creative, shy and stubborn but I can't keep spinning around the same aspects right. that's what Homestuck quizzes do and im better than that

so, i assign you the Heir of Blood, you care about your friends and relationships in your life, you have strong *bonds* with various characters, its also pretty funny you like horror movies, "gorey" movies. blood. you get it

not to shit on you specifically (( very much doing that. you talk like a dirk fan. )) but don't tell me your fucking classpect if you want me to assign you one, what are you HERE for? i don't care THAT much any attention is good attention etc but my PREFERRED audience is people who have no classpect or don't know anything about them so I can spit my bullshit and they believe me. You can have a classpect if you so please, just keep it secret in your ask and only tell me what it is if I'm right or close

I had another guess which was Thief of Heart but that'd sound so insulting to say to a system lmao, or extremely comical, you decide

[lostusagis]

✩ — 𝐁𝐀𝐒𝐈𝐂𝐒.

▸     IS  YOUR  MUSE  TALL  /  SHORT  /  AVERAGE?

Kamui's literally like 5'7' not really tall, but not short either.

Kagura's 5'1'' sooo... short.

▸      ARE  THEY  OKAY  WITH  THEIR  HEIGHT ?

Well, some of Kamui's men are taller but they know better than to tease him about his height. It's never posed an issue for him so it doesn't bother him.

Kagura fucking hates being short, a lot of people tease her over it especially Gintoki & Okita sooo lol

▸      WHAT’S    THEIR    HAIR    LIKE?

Both of them have REALLY soft, silky hair. It's well taken care of.

▸     DO    THEY    SPEND    A    LOT    OF    TIME    ON    THEIR    HAIR    /    GROOMING?

Believe it or not, Kamui spends time on it to an obsessive degree sometimes which is ironic given that it gets ruined during fights occasionally.

Kagura does spend a decent amount of time on her hair, but she's a bit lazy and usually just stuffs it into her hair ornaments.

▸      DOES  YOUR  MUSE  CARE  ABOUT  THEIR  APPEARANCE  /  WHAT  OTHERS  THINK?

Kamui does not give a fuck about what people think AT ALL, however he always wants his hair to look good. For his own sake more than the sake of how others look at him.

Kagura honestly... it depends on the day. Sometimes she'll look presentable or sometimes she'll go out looking like an absolute gremlin who just woke up. She's not looking for anyone's approval, so she does not give a fuck.

✩ — 𝐏𝐑𝐄𝐅𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄𝐒.

▸     INDOORS  OR  OUTDOORS?

Outdoors for both of them.

▸     RAIN  OR  SUNSHINE?

Rain. The sun is basically their enemy.

▸     FOREST  OR  BEACH?

Forest.

▸     PRECIOUS  METALS  OR  GEMS?

Precious metals for Kamui, Gems for Kagura.

▸     FLOWERS  OR  PERFUMES?

Flowers for both.

▸     PERSONALITY  OR  APPEARANCE?

Honestly, they both go for personality.

▸     BEING  ALONE  OR  BEING  IN  A  CROWD?

Kamui isn't a huge big fan of being alone, y'know how those invasive thoughts gets.

Kagura is fine with either, since there are days where she'd rather not deal with anyone tbh.

▸     ORDER  OR  ANARCHY?

Fuck authority!!!!

▸     PAINFUL  TRUTHS  OR  WHITE  LIES?

The truth, always.

▸     SCIENCE  OR  MAGIC?

I guess science???? magic doesn't really exist in the gintama universe lol.

▸      PEACE  OR  CONFLICT?

Kamui is always looking to cause conflict.

Kagura just wants everyone to get along.

▸     NIGHT  OR  DAY?

Niiiight, given that the sun isn't actively trying to kill them at night.

▸     DUSK  OR  DAWN?

Dusk since it's still dark.

▸     WARMTH    OR    COLD?

Kamui loves the cold because of how cold all the bodies he's killed thus far have become.

Kagura definitely prefers being warm.

▸     MANY  ACQUAINTANCES  OR  A  FEW  CLOSE  FRIENDS?

Kamui isn't someone who just 'makes friends', the closest thing he has to a friend is probably Abuto, his vice commander. That's someone Kamui trusts a lot, and has pretty much been there since Kamui was a kid. Even saved him and his sister from bullies sooo... yeah. Maybe more like a father figure or uncle I dunno.

Kagura has a lot of people she considers close friends. The list goes on. She's actually willing to open up and trust people.

▸     READING    OR    PLAYING    A    GAME?

They both prefer playing a game.

✩ — 𝐐𝐔𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐄.

▸      WHAT    ARE    SOME    OF    YOUR    MUSE’S    BAD    HABITS?

Kamui's response to something that pisses him off 90% of the time is to just punch it, or to just punch SOMETHING.

Kagura sometimes has a habit of sinking her nails into her arm when she's like really frustrated and she's trying to hold herself back.

▸      HAS  YOUR  MUSE  LOST  ANYONE  CLOSE  TO  THEM?  HOW  HAS  IT  AFFECTED   THEM?

They lost their mother.

Kamui took it the worse. Blaming his father, gaining strength in order to kill said father, and even tried killing his sister too because of how much she reminded him of their mother. He claims this was him trying to 'empty' himself of all attachments so he can be the strongest.

It hurt Kagura a lot yes, and their mother's death basically broke apart the rests of her family too. However, she managed to move on. She found more people to love and share her pain with.

▸      WHAT  ARE  SOME  FOND  MEMORIES  YOUR  MUSE  HAS?

To no one's surprise, Kamui's fond memories are from when his mother was still alive. He has a lot of fond memories of all the times Kouka told him about how much she wanted to visit earth with the entire family. All the times she used to take care of him while he was sick, make his favorite food when he was feeling down. Also, he'll never admit to this but another huge fond memory of his was when Kagura was born lmao. He was really excited to have a sibling. Also, the memory isn't COMPLETELY pleasant but a fond memory of his was when Kagura tried protecting him from bullies. She got hurt though unfortunately.

Kagura's fond memories are all family related too. Pretty much the same with Kouka telling her about earth, and honestly times she spent with Kamui when he uhhh was a decent brother actually. Anytime all of her family was together are honestly fond memories for her. Also meeting the people from Yorozuya is a super fond memory for her too, that's basically her second family and who took her in when she had no one. ALSO another big fond memory is when after her family was back together again and they were all able to fight together on earth. siiighs.

▸     IS  IT  EASY  FOR  YOUR  MUSE  TO  KILL?

Kamui yes, he's killed so, so, SO many people and has NOT thought twice about it. Nor will he ever. Awful person actually.

Kagura hasn't killed anyone before, and she never wants to. She actually values people's lives.

▸      WHAT’S  IT  LIKE  WHEN  YOUR  MUSE  BREAKS  DOWN?

Really depends on the situation, but Kamui is kind of the type to have the worse breakdowns. 90% of the time he is calm and collected, mostly because he's BOTTLING EVERYTHING UP. If it's something related to despair, when he actually breaks down it's REALLY ugly depending on what triggers it. If someone purposely taunts that into happening, well bye. Nice knowing you I guess.

Kagura, well... she's the more emotionally mature one she won't like... full on violently rage if someone pushes the wrong button like Kamui. She does, however, ugly cry. Breaks down into full on sobs and everything. She's more of the type to isolate when she has a breakdown, but she doesn't mind comfort during it either from people important to her.

▸      IS  YOUR  MUSE  CAPABLE  OF  TRUSTING  SOMEONE  WITH  THEIR  LIFE?

Kamui isn't someone who trusts so easily like that. Probably only trusts Kagura, and Abuto with his life. His father is on thin ice, but he somewhat trusts him too.

Kagura pretty much trusts everyone she considers family with her life. Which is a large group.

▸      WHAT’S  YOUR  MUSE  LIKE  WHEN  THEY’RE  IN  LOVE?

Kamui is a bit insufferable. He doesn't realize he's in love at first, someone has to spell it out for him or else he's going to assume the weird feeling in his chest is heartburn from eating too much (lol). But he noticeably gets really clingy, wants more attention, overly jealous, yeah.

Kagura, well.. She's more... normal. But she'ss another clingy type. WON'T be demanding like her brother though. She's not AS clueless as Kamui when it comes to romance, but she's also not the most knowledgeable either. At the very least, she can recognize when she has a crush on someone. It takes awhile for her to actually say anything about it though.

Tagged by: Stole this while lurking lmao

Tagging: Whoever wants it ig

[destinyc1020]

Don't you think it was dumb of Austin to break up with Vanessa ?

I mean, I'm just assuming that he was the one who hurt her since she seems the most salty lol, but maybe she dumped him lol? 😂 🤷🏾‍♀️ Based on what I've observed though it seems like he was the one who ended it. Again... just a GUESS. I have no clue.

Anyway, I honestly thought they were really cute and sizzled together Anon ❤ I was shocked when I heard that they had broken up tbh. I actually did like them together 🥰

But I've always said that it's better for a man to break up with you than for you to be stuck in a rlshp that's DEAD or the feelings aren't there anymore. 🤷🏾‍♀️

In all honesty, I think their breakup was actually for the best tbh lol 😆

She also seems to have a much better match for her with her fiancé (just based on some of the things she's said). 😊

I still think Austin needed to date other people too tbh. He started dating Vanessa when he was like 19 or smthg right?

They had already been together for sooo long and had dated each other non-stop for close to 9 years.... So sometimes things change? Ppl change? What they want changes? Maybe what started out as just a "break" turned into a full on "break UP"? Who honestly knows... 🤷🏾‍♀️

Believe me....I don't care for his current rlshp at all (I've already told y'all how I feel about that 🙄😒), but hey, it's his life, and it's not like I can control what he does, so my "approval" doesn't matter anyway lol 😅

So I guess my answer is yes AND no. 🤷🏾‍♀️

I only think it would be dumb if there were still feelings there on his end, or if he just never dates anyone BETTER than his ex.

And when I say "better", I just mean someone that he feels is better for him overall.... and someone preferably older than 21 🥴

[fizzingwizard]

a mini non-rant about something that squicks me. dark stuff. you have been warned

at this point I basically can't stand slave fics in any shape or form. Whether X-rated content is involved or not. I don't think I could handle it even if it was all consensual. But I DEFINITELY hate hate hate any fic where one character is degraded, humiliated, and psychologically tortured. Especially if at any point there's some kind of sympathy or ~love~ for the "master."

I think I might actually have written about this before but it's because I'm honestly kinda stunned by how much I hate this theme. I didn't used to. In high school I even went through a phase of finding these stories exciting. Can't explain why. Just being a teen I guess. Most people have squicks and of course the only thing to do is scroll past and don't click what you don't like. But specifically when it comes to slavery, it seems I've reached a point where I can't even look at it.

Recently I was reading something where a character got captured. It was in a fandom where that sort of thing happens in canon on the regular (in a non-sexual way of course, and this story was also non-sexual). I was doing fine until the captor managed to break the captive's spirit and started using words like "master" and "pet." Then I was gagging. I had to stop reading. Don't care what happens next. The implication is that the captive will get away and vengeance will be reaped but I'm not even going to stick around for it.

Obviously this is a squick for me personally and I'm not throwing stones at the person who wrote the fic or anyone who finds this kind of story exciting. I totally understand that stories are a way people try to safely navigate the dark side of the world. It's just that my own visceral reaction surprises even me. I wasn't always this sensitive. But I feel like I project way too hard onto the captive. I know a bunch of real world enslavement stories and things that really happened to people can stick in a way fiction doesn't always. The real world is way more horrible than anything fiction can come up with. I think my brain has just completely erased the line between real and fiction for this particular theme so that if I read a fictional version it triggers the same emotions I felt reading about the real case.

There are arguably even more terrible scenarios that happen in fanfiction that don't bother me to the same degree this does, so it really is a personal thing. But interesting, I only react this way when it's specifically fanfiction - I don't get like this when I read published works. Even accounts from real world survivors. Those stories are incredibly moving as well as horrifying, but I'm always glad I read them and prefer them not sanitized. Because when someone puts someone else through such absolute trauma, I think other people shouldn't get to live in a world where everything is hearts and roses. We should know and we should care.

I think the reason it only bothers me with fanfiction is because fanfiction glamorizes or even eroticizes the psychological torture going on in a way that reflects the mentality of what the real world abductor would be feeling. While sympathizing and focusing on the captive's experience, there's a horror-movie style creativity and indulgence in humiliating and degrading that very same captive. When tends to make me feel humiliated and degraded since I'm projecting too hard. I don't want to be that close to such an evil person - and if I do, I want it to be in a clinical sense, a character study sense - not "this is for shits and giggles" or "this is for steamy hot dark sexy stuff."

In college I read a number of books where the main voice was a character doing something deplorable - a murderer or attracted to kids or whatever. Stuff that no one with any decency would approve of. Those books always caused some kerfluffle in class because some students don't like that they exist at all and others find them intriguing. Regardless of how you feel about them, one thing those books do not have going on is a titillation factor. If the character is aroused in a deplorable way, since they're the POV, there's not judgment for it - but there also isn't an attempt to arouse the reader like there is in fanfics. The fanfic writer is aroused either by sex or horror/whump and they're expecting their readers will be too. It's a completely different ball game than the majority of published lit.

Of course that's because it's got way more in common with straight up porn. :P

You might think "ok, this person just doesn't like whump" but you know what it's weird, I've read some absolutely shocking whump fics that did not bother me at all! I like horror. I like to be scared and wigged out. I don't like it to involve sex, that's one caveat. I definitely am not in the mood to read this kind of thing often, but if I find a summary that interests me I'm not so fragile that I can't at least peak inside.

But the slave fanfic thing. That's one that I just have hit a wall with.

[depressingdepravity]

I like to have firsts in bed but theres only so many times it can happen

Its just something about having someone else guide you, telling you what to do and praising you when you do good

So I have a bit of a praise kink, more than a bit but still

I lost my virginity at 15

I planned on dying on my birthday, I was set on it and I told an old friend

Someone I hadn't talked to since middle school

She said if I planned on dying I should live every moment until then

And so I started sneaking out with her

B lived an hour away and she'd pick me up in her car and take me to her place where she lives with a bunch of roommates who don't exactly throw parties but with that many people there they might as well have been parties

Everyone else was older, and I was suicidal and seeking approval

I did body shots for the first time my first day there off of someone else, a few days later I let other people do body shots off me

I kissed a bunch of people and I never did like kissing but I tried everyone at least once. Maybe trying isn't the right word but I kissed everyone there, granted I was always at least a few drinks in

Something I also started because of them

I drank everyday with them and I even tried smoking

I couldn't handle smoking it myself so they'd shotgunned me and I thought it was so attractive I kept asking them to do it again and again

Some of them vaped, some of them did cigarettes, some of them rolled their own joints

And I guess I did them all

They called me cute and their 'pet'

Another kink I learned I had

Once they bought me a collar and leash and I sat by their side the entire night while they hung out

They 'took care' of me by the end of the night

So in a way I kinda slept with all of them, even if it never was one on one

Then B asked me to be her girlfriend and I agreed, she claimed me as hers then and I stopped messing around with everyone and they stopped messing around with me

We talked like friends and they didn't call me pet names anymore or kiss me or touch me

Sometimes they'd tell my girlfriend to stop flaunting me cause they'd get jealous, and for context she liked to have me on her lap and let her hands explore my body just casually mid conversation

She took me on dates to the beach on her motorcycle and bought me flowers, she texted me goodnight and good morning and she cooked for me all the time

One day L asked me on a date in front of her, I looked to B because I was genuinely confused. Sure I'd kissed her, I'd done plenty of body shots on her and she had done some on me, and shed had her mouth and hands on me, but I wasn't dating B then.

It was weird because they'd all as a group done that and I wasn't sure if jealousy was a thing with them? B just shrugged and I accepted the date

I asked B about it and she said that they don't believe in monogamy, that I could date anyone I wanted as long as she knew about it, she said that technically it applied to her too but that she preferred having one partner

She also told me that L already had a boyfriend and if I was okay with it

I didn't care, I planned on dying anyways

So she took me on a date, she picked me up and it was the first time anyone but B picked me up

Every time I was picked up it was always at least 1 am so there's not really anything that's open for us to go to

She drove me to a field, she had a big light powered by her car and she took out an old blanket that had some guys face on it

She told me it was a singer she used to like but I forgot the name of him

We had a picnic of mostly junk food and got absolutely destroyed by mosquitoes

It was the worst date I've ever gone on, at least it should have been but she made me laugh and I had such a great time feeding her Takis and fighting off flies at the same time

I agreed to be her girlfriend on that creepy blanket

She fucked me in the backseat of her car and drove me home after, it was 5 am when I got home, practically 6 actually

So I had two girlfriends, both 18 while I was still 15

Everyone else I had slept with was 18-20

And it's been half a year since we broke up, and I'm just realizing maybe it was a bit fucked up

But

I've been taken advantage of before, by my first girlfriend and my sperm donor

I hate them both but I don't hate B or L

But I acknowledge it's fucked up for a bunch of 18-20 year olds to give a 15 year old alcohol and then have sex with her as a group

It's also fucked up for them to have shotgunned me and to have given into my drunken demands for kisses

It's fucked up and I don't regret it and id do it again

This thing got away from me, this wasn't really what I intended on writing

[cerberusseraphim]

1/10/2024, 3 AM - 4 AM

im not entirely sure where to start.

as the first blog post, i feel like i should be organizing this better by giving a run down of my situation, but im not sure i have the full energy to do so. i can try.

im being abused. verbally, but im not unused to other kinds. Mammon is my older brother. i loved him once, but i dont anymore. as a child he raped and beat me, and i was always competing to be loved along side him. i lost, and my father has clearly chosen the son he prefers. im unsure of how this makes me feel anymore.

ever since i was home from the hospital i was apparently being sexually abused by my older sister. im unsure of how i feel about this as well. i guess it makes sense.

my doctor says i have CPTSD i think. i have voices in my head sometimes. used to think i was multiple people. im not unsure im not. i miss the others in my head, they've been really quiet for almost a year. i think they might be scared. i am too. im chronically depressed due to my circumstances and im unsure on how to get out.

i was raised to believe the world was out to get me. ive yet to shake this feeling. i was raised by my father mostly, who is a hyper paranoid man with untreated PTSD. unfortunately this means i get to suffer too. i am an adult, but getting any sort of job means i have to ask permission from my dad. he is unhappy with most jobs i apply for, only telling me he doesnt approve after i get a interview due to him not liking any area we live in as a place to work. we live in an area that has plenty of diversity, so you can imagine what he actually means when he says "these are bad neighborhoods". this is not an unsubstantiated claim, believe me.

i want my family to love me. they will never. i dont know how i feel about this. part of me doesnt care anymore. part of me mourns.

as i write this, im in another tense situation. i live with Mammon and my father. mother is dead, sister ran away to destroy other lives. i live in a one bedroom appartment with both of them. once upon a time, Mammon had a girlfriend who he lived with. she cheated, kicking him out and she keeps my cat due to my cowardly father getting a house that specifically forbids cats for his own ease of getting to work faster. i am heartbroken to be without my cat, but happy he does not live in these conditions.

the tense situation. my bad for going on a tangent.

Mammon is drunk. he is hardly ever not. he is a coward as my father is, he cannot feel his emotions so he drinks them away. it does not work. instead, it shows how much of a cruel animal he is. he is an angry man, and when he wants to drink he does not care who it disrupts. he abuses who he wants, he drinks as much as he wants with what little money he has, he claims he pays all the bills (he does not. father does. he just helps with a hundred or so bucks here and there) and therefore its his right to use me as a punching bag.

he paces the house and mumbles cruel words about me when he thinks i cannot hear. i can. he eavesdrops on my conversations with my friends, and attempts to meddle with my relationships based on the small amount of information he heard. he has lied to my father and has claimed to say terrible things to them- he has done no such thing. he lies to me and says they told him they all hate me and think im pathetic for everything. they do not know my brother, nor want to.

i keep going on side tangents in some attempt to give you context to my situation, im sorry.

Mammon has been drunk almost every night or early morning over the past 5 days. this is not uncommon. it disrupts my sleep schedule, when i try to have one. but last bender he did he grabbed at me- it should be mentioned all of these benders end in verbal abuse. occasionally he leaves me alone, but the anticipation for the abuse kills me just as much. anyway. he grabbed the hood i wore and ripped it off my head, grabbing a bunch of my hair in the process. it hurt. i should have hit him. when he does it again, i swore to myself id really hurt him. like, pick up a chair and beat him type hurt him. i dont want to be a violent person but no one else has beat the shit out of him for his attitude so i suppose i have to one day.

i have scary intrusive thoughts where im forced to kill him. i believe one day he is going to rape me again, then attempt to kill me in the process. i am scared then i will be forced to kill him. im scared i will enjoy it.

i hate Mammon, and i do think ill only feel safe when he one day dies. but i dont want to kill him. i want to hurt him and have him live to remember, but i dont want to kill. i am not capable of taking a life. even his.

i think somewhere inside i still love my big brother. i dont think thats whats stopping me from killing him, i cant kill because i refuse to- that includes killing myself.

anyway. he now wanders around wasting groceries in the kitchen. he tries to cook while drunk. only half of it ends up in the pot, the rest on the floor and walls. the food is only ever edible to him, but nothing else. its a miracle he doesnt puke it up.

the idea of food waste drives me insane. i hate it. he embodies all that i hate.

i wish i could heal from my trauma, ive been ready to begin the healing process. if only my brother would disappear, i could be some sort of healthy again.

[duchessonfire]

I have been reading a bit on the OTW elections and the whole Tiffany G thing, but most of all, I've been reading comments from people supporting Tiffany saying that she just wants to clear AO3 from all the CSAM (child sexual abuse material) content and I don't know who needs to hear this but:

If someone comes to a predominantly QUEER space (like AO3) and tells you that censorship is necessary to eradicate CSAM... it's not actually CSAM they want to eradicate...

I've seen this type of discourse about Pride and about queer literature and queer movies and queer communities. It's a tried and true technique of the right and conservative movements.

First, they say there is a DANGER to the community through CSAM and they conflate the actual threat of CSAM in the community (we all know someone who thinks that writing a love story between two characters who are 16 is CSAM...), and make you believe that censorship is the only way to PROTECT THE CHILDREN. And since most people are (rightly) mind-bogled at having to explain that of course they don't support CSAM content, they bow down and accept the censorship for the greater good, without anyone actually trying to have a conversation about what qualifies as CSAM (which needs to, you know, actually involve real children and not fictional characters who are 17 and losing their virginity with their crush in a Mature-rated story about high school football and first love based on the author's own experience of losing their virginity at 17 to their crush in high school).

Then, they tell you that there are other forms of DISTURBING CONTENT, and what they really mean is porn that THEY find disturbing, for ex, (and I kid you not, I have seen comments like that) porn featuring disabled characters, which they consider to encourage the exploitation of vulnerable individuals, or BDSM porn (which supposedly encourages violence and lack of consent), or rough porn, or any kind of porn that isn't two (preferably white and skinny) able-bodied people doing it missionary style while lovingly gazing in each other's eyes. SO TO PROTECT VIEWERS, that needs to be banned as well.

And then, they tell you that even that sanitized version of porn is still porn and that people under 18 or under 21 or under whatever age they consider too young to view anything sexual regardless of the fact that not all countries have the same law about the age of maturity, should be free to surf the site without having to *gasp* filter out properly tagged works. So TO PROTECT THE CHILDREN, every explicit content is censored.

And then finally, when all that is left is a sanitized, white-washed, ableist, puritan type of content featuring General-Audience approved gay works of two nice men or two nice women holding hands and chastely kissing each other on the lips... Well guess what? :) CHILDREN SHOULD NOT BE EXPOSED TO QUEER CONTENT SO WE NEED TO BAN THAT AS WELL, and since we've basically done purge after purge before and there are still a handful of people on the website, well surely they won't mind/care anymore, will they?

It's not just a slippery slope, it's something that has been done time and again, and that is why censorship on AO3 will never, never have a positive outcome.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.