#and I feel so fucking dysphoric(?) about being a guy who wears glasses

[identitty-dickruption]

I swear there's a form of dysphoria but for disability aids. the version of me I see in the mirror doesn't feel like the real me when I get a new aid. and it's really fucking distressing. even more so than my experience with gender dysphoria. maybe it's just internalised compulsory abledness and discomfort with being perceived as disabled, but it sure does feel deeper than that. idk

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

261 of 2022

100 Questions Survey! Reblog | Answer honestly;

1. Do you starve yourself sometimes?

Yeah, I do. Not intentionally anymore, but still, I feel happy when I realise I forgot my breakfast or so.

2. Have you ever binged?

A few times.

3. Do you like Mexican food?

I’m not really familiar with it.

4. Chinese?

Yes, pretty much.

5. Italian?

Very much.

6. American?

I know nothing about it, except that they ruined our fries.

7. Have you ever been on a diet?

I’m constantly on a diet.

8. Do you like vegetables?

I could just live off them. I don’t like meat.

9. On a scale from 1 to 5 how much do you eat a day (1= not eating, 5= eating 3 meals)?

3 meals? Who eats 3 meals? Some cultures eat at least 5. Anyways, it’s between 1 and 3 or so.

10. Do you think you eat healthily?

Yes, but no.

11. Do you think you are ugly?

I know I am, but for others, it seems debatable. I’ve heard many times I was really attractive, but it never comes out good.

12. Do you like your hair?

Now I do.

13. Do you like the way you look?

Style-wise, I really do. In regards of body type, I could scare little kids at night.

14. Would you want to change anything?

Some more muscles, even though I’m generally strong.

15. Do you think your fat?

I always think so, but in reality, I’m close to being underweight.

16. Do you wear a shirt when you go swimming?

I don’t go swimming.

17. Do you care how other people see you?

No, I don’t. You either love me for who I am or you don’t love me at all.

18. Do you or have you ever worn braces?

No and no.

19. Do you wear glasses and or contacts?

Yes, glasses. I’m pretty much nearsighted.

20. Do you want to gain weight, lose weight, or stay about the same?

Always lose.

21. Is there someone that you do not won’t to hang out with, but they hang out with you?

There was someone like that, and his inadequate comments would make even a cis guy dysphoric.

22. Do you feel like you’re too good for someone in your crowd?

Nah, we’re all equal.

23. Do you like someone in your group of friends?

Yeah, my husband. We have mutual friends. Besides, I like just everyone who is likeable, and I don’t get the American way to use the word “like”. I like, and even love, all my friends.

24. Have you kissed anyone in your group of friends?

Yes, my husband.

25. Is there someone you can not trust, that you call a friend?

No, if I can’t trust them, then they haven’t been my friend in the first place.

26. Who do you feel closest to as a friend?

My ex.

27. Do you get along with your parents?

With my dad. I’ve always been his favourite child.

28. Ever lied to them or denied something?

Yeah, but who didn’t, honestly.

29. Angry with someone in your family?

No, not really.

30. How do your parents respond to you having a bf/gf?

Bad. Learning that their son is gay was a huge shock for them. They started liking and accepting my husband, though.

31. Have you ever gotten a F on a test?

We don’t have a letter scale in Belgium. We have percentage.

32. Ever failed a class in your entire life?

Yes, but I had to pass another exam.

33. Ever made honor roll?

What? No. Never been interested anyway.

34. Ever just stopped caring for a little bit?

All the time, but my feelings always come back. No matter what is your impression on me, I’m a big-hearted person.

35. Got a detention?

No, I don’t think so.

36. Got Saturday detention?

Is there such a thing?

37. Have you ever been expelled?

No.

38. Have you ever been suspended?

Neither.

39. Stole anything from a teacher?

No, what the fuck.

40. Cheated on a test in any way?

Yeah, but I never felt comfortable doing it.

41. You love/like anyone?

I love my husband and my family and friends, and I like three other guys I wish I was friends with.

42. Have you kissed this person?

My husband. It’s rather logical.

43. Do you enjoy kissing?

No, I don’t like it. Only the tiny ones are somewhat nice for me.

44. Ever cheated on anyone?

No. I find sex pointless.

45. Ever dumped someone?

Yeah, once or twice.

46. Your best kiss was with whom?

My 2nd ex, Nielsje. Possibly because it wasn’t forced.

47. Do you like to cuddle with this person?

I would maybe, as well as with my husband.

48. If your best friend did not like your lover, what would you do?

Can’t imagine it, we’re in mutual circle of friends.

49. Do you trust your bf/gf with your life?

We’re married. Anything else?

50. How are things going between you guys? What is your best memory?

Getting drunk in the Irish pub.

51. Do you have a job?

Yes, I do. Just now I’m on a sick note.

52. How much do you get paid?

About 2.600€, but 40% of this goes to taxes, so do your math. My industry is still one of the best paid from all the factory workers in my country.

53. Why do you have a job, and if you do not have one, why not?

Why do I have a job? What a stupid question. Because money doesn’t grow on trees. And why do I have this specific job? Because I’m properly educated for it. Because I’m interested in it so we can say I’m being paid for my hobbies. Because I love doing things with my own hands.

54. Is the job through school?

I was in uni during work, but now it’s on hold.

55. Do you enjoy it?

The job or uni? Yes, I do.

56. Can you still manage free time?

Now I have too much free time.

57. Are you saving up for anything in the future?

Of course, it’s normal.

58. What do you want to do as a career?

What I do now. I also wanted to be a soldier or a neurologist.

59. Do you consider yourself a responsible person?

Very much so.

60. Can you support a family tomorrow?

My family? Always.

61. Do you consider yourself a lazy person?

Nah. Just tired.

62. Do you have a lot of spare time?

Right now, too much.

63. Can you stay inside all day without getting bored?

Easily. But I love going out.

64. How many hours a week about, do you use the computer?

Not gonna count. I do send emails from my computer.

65. How many hours a week about, do you use the tv?

Two or three hours? I don’t really need TV to function.

66. Can you sit in front of a computer or tv screen the entire day?

No, I have to take breaks.

67. What do you do if you have the flu?

I’ve never had flu in my life.

68. Do you have any chores around the house? Do you get paid?

Why would I get paid for hpuse chores as a 32 years old?

69. Do your parents think you are lazy?

My parents are happy that I’m on my own.

70. Anthrax is released into the air tomorrow, can you live out of your house on what you have now?

Jesus, this is so outdated.

71. Do you play sports?

I do, the gym things. I used to be a basketball player in my teens.

72. Do you watch sports?

Nah, I prefer playing sports.

73. Do you do anything professionally?

I used to do basketball.

74. Tried in any extreme sports?

No, not really my thing.

75. Ever tried surfing?

No, not interested.

76. Ever ran track?

For school, I hated it.

77. What grade did you get in PE last?

Man, it was 12 years ago.

78. Have you ever been to a live game?

No.

79. Have you ever played hokey?

What is “hokey” even?

80. From a scale of 1 to 5 how athletic are you (1=nerd, 5=very athletic)?

About 3. Generally yes, but no. Or no, but yes.

81. Ever ran from the cops?

Nope.

82. If so, why were you running, what did you do?

N/A. Jesus, this survey is dumb.

83. Do you think drugs are good?

No.

84. Do you think alcohol is good?

No, but I drink anyway.

85. Ever been on contract or probation?

No, never. Do you really think everyone is a criminal? Some people have better things to do.

86. Ever experienced house-arrest?

Nope, why would I even.

87. Would you go to jail for your bf/gf and if you do not have one, your parents?

No. You did something, you face the consequences. Either you learn your lesson or not.

88. Ever attacked a cop?

No.

89. Do cops know your name?

I was raised in a small town where everyone knew everyone, so back in time, yes.

90. Ever spent the night in jail?

Jesus Christ, who comes up with all these stupid questions.

91. Do you like horror movies?

No, I don’t.

92. If you do why? If you do not, why not?

Because they’re stupid.

93. Now whats the real reason?

I’m not interested in watching movies.

94. About how many times do you go to the movies a month?

Zero. Why would I waste my time on this when I have more interesting things around.

95. Do you consider yourself a movie-goer?

No. Movies are fucking boring.

96. Do you like movie dates?

I hate them. So boring.

97. A movie…… which one came to your head first?

None.

98. What if life was like a movie?

Isn’t it already? Who wants movies if you have your life.

99. Do you like long series movies, like Lord of the Rings?

I DON’T LIKE ANY MOVIES. Jesus, these questions are so boring.

100. Comedy…… which movie came to your head first?

My life.

[supinefermata]

Okay so my experience probably doesn't speak for all non-dysphoric trans folks, especially since I do have dysphoria, but I knew I was trans without just looking at dysphoria and you mentioned being interested (?) in an explanation so here's… this

Again, I am dysphoric, but I have not been dysphoric for as long as I have known I'm a guy or at least had that feeling. Like, I literally did no reflection whatsoever at first- that came later- but I was constantly trying to do what I could to Be A Boy.

On my first day of preschool I saw kids wearing jeans and wanted a pair of my own- I'd previously only worn the dresses my mom put me in. If I recall correctly, I didn't get a single pair of pants until kindergarten at least, and I actually got all my little kid pairs of pants from shopping trips with other people, I'm pretty sure.

Anyway, speaking of kindergarten, that was when I experienced my first scholastic book fair! Through it I got into Pokémon and tried to make myself care about Transformers because I'd been told they were both Boy Things. I don't remember almost anything else from pretty much the entire year.

For about three years after that, I worked on a rather extensive collection of toy frogs, lizards, and snakes because these were Boy Things. By month two or so, I pretty much just pretended to work on it when I felt the need to remind the people around me that I Was Gonna Be A Boy, Dammit. It was never really about the frogs, lizards, and snakes.

My really young childhood was like this for as long as I can remember, just furiously trying to be seen as a boy in whatever little way I could because it felt good when people went along with it. None of the adults I knew took it seriously because of course they didn't, they were all cis, but most things went over my head back then, and joking acknowledgement was more than I normally got, so.

Anyway, I think my first traces of actual dysphoria started showing up around sixth grade- I was being flirted with by a guy who favored very grand, very gendered romantic gestures. It felt wrong. Don't get me wrong, I was very into him, and he got me some of the nicest chocolates I'd ever had (I hadn't really tried non-shitty chocolate before, but still) among other things, and that all made me pretty damn happy! But then I felt so bad when he implied I didn't have to flirt back because I was a girl. I mean, I wasn't planning on flirting back because he did enough flirting for the both of us, but I sure didn't let that stop me from being kinda on the verge of tears for about half an hour after that.

He compared my eyes to stained glass windows and I was super proud of my eyes for at least a month, but he called me beautiful and I wanted to remove my face, he said I was the smartest girl he knew and I wanted to take a melon baller to my frontal lobe, and he called me his girlfriend and I wanted to live alone in a cave for eternity.

So I avoided all contact until he moved to Denver over the sunmer. Threw out the paper with his number, even. You know, normal shit you do when your kinda-boyfriend who you really like moves to where he's an hour away.

And then my physical dysphoria's been this kinda omnipresent undercurrent of day-to-day life since like puberty, but I didn't even really notice it until this one time I was wearing a tight-ish sweater in, like, the early early morning one day in ninth grade. I passed in front of these huge windows we have that provided a very good side-view shadow and I saw boobs on myself and I was just horrified. They'd been there the entire time, of course, but this time they'd caught me by surprise. I actually stopped in the middle of the hallway until I could reach the level of dissociation where it didn't bother me, then I just kept going, tamped the memory down, whatever. This was fine.

So what was my original point? I don't know. I have ADHD. Fuck.

So I'm not, like, constantly dysphoric, you know? It just kinda jumps out at me. And as such, some of the indicators that I'm trans (the memories I gathered to talk myself out of imposter syndrome, more like) actually didn't all have a whole lot to do with dysphoria.

Like, there was one time a year and a half or so ago, when I was still in some level of denial about my gender. So I was sitting somewhere thinking about my (best) friend Jack. The context is that Jack is a trans guy and had some extra-shitty dysphoria that day, so I was thinking about how I wish I could swap bodies with him; that would surely help his dysphoria! I stopped there for a minute. It didn't seem right. I put my face in my hands when it occurred to me that I was a girl. Duh. Silly me, forgetting my own gender like that. Looking back, I know I thought I was a cis guy for a minute there. I did some more thinking and was able to find a bunch of other times I'd done that, up to and including basically my entire life.

Then there was this one other time- I was hiding from adults at some kind of house party with my twin and Jack and some other trans guy, I didn't (and don't) really know him. We were talking about… fuck, I don't even remember what brought it up, but Jack said something to the effect of "who wants to remove theur chest!" (it made more sense in context, probably, maybe) and I was like "I do!" sort of without really thinking, you know, and everyone looked at me weird so I sputtered something about how it's hard to play cello with boobs (which is objectively not true) and we moved on. This sounds fake as hell, but I swear it did actually happen. Seriously.

And there's also the time when I talked with Jack and someone who I'm pretty fucking sure was trans and in denial (went by their last name bc they didn't like what was probably their deadname, convinced an entire school they were a guy for the duration of at least a year of middle school and played football, yet swore up and down they were a cis girl while looking like they were telling the truth). We were talking about If We Could Choose To Be Men because of that whole large-scale ""deception"" thing, and it was quite the conversation. It felt like that kid and I prefaced every statement with "I'm a cis girl but…" and we got into a missing-the-point spree wherein we talked about If Only We Could Avoid Misogyny (I'm not saying misogyny isn't real, but there is no way that wasn't a red herring okay) and We Don't Wanna Shave Our Legs and stuff. I was going along with whatever that kid said as far as why, since I was sorta caught up in how great it'd be to live as a guy. I'm just saying, if my life were a book that'd be the peak of dramatic irony and I know that now. I was not particularly dysphoric during that conversation, but it's not hard to read between the lines. Also, Jack was there. I can't remember for the life of me what his reaction to it was, but still.

And by the way, I don't think this'll be relevant, but I've heard the occasional truscum argue that since non-dysphoric trans people are just following a trend or whatever, that you can also trick yourself into thinking you have dysphoria, and I disagree on so many levels but it's past midnight and I super don't have the energy to debate that right now, so. For the record.

I learned that trans people existed sometime in eighth grade. Like, I may have heard the word "transgender" before that, but I sure didn't google the meaning of it, apparently.

TL;DR I knew I was a boy since I was really little. Dunno how I knew, but I sure did know. Dysphoria showed up later, and for me it's kind of an occasional thing, so I have non-dysphoria-related memories that still tell me I'm trans

I’m sorry, but truscums are mostly gross people.

Like, I get the transmedicalist opinion of needing dysphoria to be trans because I personally don’t understand how you can figure out you’re trans otherwise (I’m open to explanation though) but if your “opinion” is that you get to decide who’s trans enough based on their experiences compared to yours or some goddamn stereotype, you’re a gross person. Not everyone’s experience is the same, not everyone figures out they’re trans the same way. Being the Trans Police helps no one, not even you. It just makes the trans community hated even more because we’re pushing other trans people out because of some fake-ass standards.

You’re disgusting and transphobic. Especially cis truscum. You don’t get to decide our identities for us.