#and I dont think it's anybodys fault but I always act like it is

[heartlogan]

living to learn

✮— logan x f!mutant!reader (set in deadpool & wolverine)

✮— summary: logan mulls over all that he has lost, and all that he has found, in the void

✮— a/n: i was enabled by yall - please heed the warnings! you dont need to read pt 1 to read this!

✮— warnings: MAJOR DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE SPOILERS, major character deaths, angst, incredibly sad backstory, dead kids / teenagers, practically a genocide of mutants, suicidal ideation (from logan, kind of), reader acts as a mother figure for someone, incorrect dialogue from dp&w, a smidge of comfort, again ANGST, lmk if there’s more!

part one | masterlist

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It’s almost impossible not to linger on the things that you have lost.

And for Logan, it is impossible.

He spends every waking moment craving for the touch of somebody he lost, and he’s painfully aware that it’s all his fault. He caused the loss. And he’s the only one left to mourn you, because god knows the humans won’t.

Even for him, some two hundred years old, it’s all too painful. And he has experienced plenty of pain in his life. But this? Losing you? Losing everyone? It’s too much. So, he does what he can, he pours so much alcohol into his body that he can’t think, can’t imagine what your final moments must have been like.

But between bars, when his healing factor wears the alcohol down, it’s all he sees.

He imagines you there, surrounded by all of your loved ones except for him, unable to save them. And he can remember finding you so vividly, can remember the ashy tone your skin had taken on, all the life drained from you. He can remember exactly where he found you, in front of the doors, your dying action being to try and save the kids in the mansion. He prays to a god that he doesn’t believe in that you died before they did, because knowing that you hadn’t been able to save them would have killed you.

And the other X-Men, they died the same way. Trying to protect each other, trying to protect those kids. And perhaps the only one who knew that it was all in vain would’ve been Jean. Jean, who he found in front of the children.

Where was he?

At some bar, surrounded by humans he couldn’t care less about, all because he was selfish. All because he didn’t want anybody thinking he wanted to be part of the team. God forbid he actually care about something.

And because of his selfishness, his fear, he lost it all.

He lost you.

So when Wade said he could fix Logan’s universe, he would’ve done anything to make that happen. Anything that Wade asked for, he would’ve done. And as soon as his universe was fixed, Logan would go to you and get to his knees, he would beg for your forgiveness.

And all of that, that hope that had evaded him all those years, was for nothing. For an educated wish.

Logan couldn’t do anything but resort to his old habits, grabbing the first bottle of actual alcohol he saw, and finally numbing the image of you dead in his arms.

“There’s five of us.” Elektra told Wade, and Logan paid her no mind. Everything was futile now, pointless. He was only helping Wade to help the team, to help you, and that was likely impossible. So whatever these so-called heroes were planning, he wanted no part in it.

Logan had already secured his legacy in his universe, and it wasn’t the one you had always imagined for him. He was the Wolverine, and he was every bit of violence that name suggested. Because even though he hadn’t been able to save the X-Men, he sure as hell got his vengeance. He hadn’t slept, hadn’t eaten, until every single human who was remotely involved in the blood bath at X-Mansion was dead.

You wouldn’t have been proud of his actions, true, but you were dead.

Cassandra had mentioned something about temperance, earlier, and it hadn’t taken him long to recognise that you were the anchor of his. Without you, Logan hadn’t managed any sort of self-restraint. He had slaughtered people. And he could only bring himself to regret those that hadn’t quite deserved it.

By the time the red had faded from his vision, Logan realised he had gone too far. He hadn’t just killed the ones who had murdered his friends, but anyone in connection to them, and anyone who had gotten in his way. The only reason he wasn’t arrested was because they were too afraid of him, and the only reason he hadn’t been killed was because he couldn’t fucking die.

Even the fuckers that had slaughtered the X-Men couldn’t figure out how to kill him, and that was a sick kind of irony.

“Logan, that’s who I was telling you about! X-23!” Wade said excitedly, pointing across the room at a teenage girl, who stared at him like she was seeing a ghost. From the sound of what Wade had said earlier, she probably was.

And the sight of her, for some reason, tugged at his chest. He drowned the feeling with more whiskey.

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“Hey.” Laura greeted you, fidgeting with the strap of her bag as she watched you enter the back of the base, carrying a bag full of food. She seemed nervous, and you couldn’t figure out why.

“Hey, Laura, everythin’ alright?” You asked fondly, glancing at her as you started unpacking the supplies that you’d found scattered across the void.

She hesitated, glancing back through the doorway she was stood in, before focusing on you. “Yeah. Uh, I need to talk to you.” She said, sounding incredibly serious, which wasn’t unusual for her. Laura had been through so much, including everything that she had told you about her life before the void. Being here hadn’t made her life any better.

You immediately paused your actions, and turned your full attention towards the teenager across from you. You nodded for her to start.

“I was out patrolling earlier, and I found some people.” Laura said slowly, thinking her words over thoroughly before she spoke them aloud. She didn’t want to make this any worse. “I drove them here, and we’ve made a plan to attack Cassandra’s first thing. Except for one of the two, who doesn’t want to help.”

“Okay…” You said cautiously, almost confused. “This all sounds good, doesn’t it? Whoever they are, they can stay here if they want. Fill me in on the plan, and we’ll handle it.”

“It’s… okay. It’s about who they are.” She clarified finally, giving up on trying to approach the situation cautiously. “It’s a variant of him. Of Logan.”

Your chest squeezed painfully immediately, and you hand to hold a hand to your sternum to try and ease it. If it were any other situation, Laura may have made a joke about you having a heart attack, but she knew better. She knew how she had felt when she first saw the man, so she could imagine how you were feeling.

Immediately, your heart was torn between rushing to see him, and refusing to lay your eyes on the man at all. You weren’t sure you could handle seeing him, or, well, a variant of him.

It hurt too much. Every day you were reminded of how you had failed to save him, but you had to keep going, for the others in the void. Because they needed you, just as much as you needed them. Laura needed you.

She knew your pain all too well, having lost her own Logan. So you knew what she was telling you was the truth. There was really, finally, a Wolverine variant in the void.

“You okay?” Laura asked, after you had been silent for more moments than she was comfortable with. She was looking at you with such concern, and you could tell that her own heart was practically bursting in her chest from the sight of him.

“Are you?” You asked in return, eyebrows raised as you finally started to get a grip on yourself, shaking yourself from the pit of loss you had begun to get stuck in. She nodded, and you nodded yourself before pausing to think. “And this… Logan, he doesn’t want to join to Cassandra’s?”

Laura shook her head, looking down momentarily. “No. He’s… he’s as messed up as my Logan was.”

You approached her, drawing her into a silent hug. She squeezed you tightly, and the strength her mutation — Logan’s mutation — had given her wasn’t lost on you.

“Do you want me to talk to him?” You asked her quietly, and felt her nod against your shoulder. “Alright. Where is he?” You questioned, silently steeling yourself to face a copy of the man you had lost. The man you had loved.

She pointed you in the right direction, letting you go with a simple, “Good luck.” The entire walk outside, you were holding your breath, trying to prepare yourself somehow. As if this was something you would ever be able to prepare for.

And the moment you saw him, you knew it was all in vain. Because nothing could’ve prepared you for seeing him again, after all this time.

For a moment, it felt as though time was stood still, suspended.

Until he opened his mouth. “‘M not lookin’ for company.”

It was him. His familiar voice. The voice that you would’ve recognised anywhere, even after so long not having heard it. He sounded just the same as your own Logan, the same gruff tone to his voice, all grumpy expressions and furrowed brows. You could imagine it all as though your Logan was still alive, as though he was actually here. It took more than a moment for you to recall that this wasn’t your Logan.

You shuffled over to the log he sat on, the sun setting over the trees surrounding the two of you. He lifted the bottle of whiskey to his lips, glancing at you as you sat. His entire body went shock still, and he turned to look at you fully.

You smiled, and prayed he said nothing about the way your eyes became watery. “Hi, Logan.”

He said your name, sounding as though he was a mere man sat before a god, reverent. The bottle slipped from his hand as he spoke it aloud, his eyes watering immediately, his lip trembling as he looked at you like he was seeing you for the very first time.

“Are you… her?” He asked hesitantly, hand hovering halfway towards you, and you hated to be the bearer of bad news. But if you had to be conscious that he wasn’t yours, it was only fair for him to know the truth.

Reluctantly, you shook your head. “I’m sorry. I’m not your version of me, and you’re not my version of you.”

His hand fell to his lap, but he didn’t take his eyes off of you for a moment. He seemed reluctant to believe you, and you couldn’t blame him. He looked just like your version of him, grey streaks and all. But it wasn’t him, you knew, because he wasn’t coughing up blood, wasn’t actively dying in your arms.

You cleared your throat, glancing to the fire before him, watching the way the smoke curled into the slowly darkening sky. “My Logan died. I—I couldn’t save you. I’ve been here, in the void, for a year, I think.” You elaborated slightly, not wanting to overwhelm him with information. “I’d like to go home. Mourn my losses.”

He stared at you, saying nothing, fingers still outstretched where his hand lay.

“Laura said you weren’t coming with in the morning. I was hoping you might change your mind. We need your help.” You continued, trying to remain convincing despite the shake in your voice.

But that seemed to do the opposite of what you wanted, and he blinked out of the trance he had been in. He started shaking his head immediately, fingers clenching into a fist. “You got the wrong guy. I’m not… I’m not who you think I am.”

“Maybe not, but, Laura told me you were always the wrong guy, up until you weren’t. And to her, that means something. To me, too.” You said, hoping he wouldn’t pull away further than he already had. As selfish as it was, you didn’t want to lose another Logan. You wanted to see him and his friend succeed, even if you didn’t. Maybe, this time, this Logan, you could save him.

“You don’t get it.” Logan refuted, shaking his head, glancing towards the fire as the sun finally finished descending the horizon. He seemed to get lost in the blaze, and you watched his eyes become unfocused, showing him images that weren’t really there. “I failed them. My team. You.”

You stayed quiet, wondering if he was going to elaborate, or if he was too caught up in his vision.

“D’you know something’?” He asked, blinking until the fire came back into focus. “You used to beg me to wear this suit. So did Storm, Scott, Beast. All of you. And I refused, because god forbid anybody believe I wanted to be there.”

“What happened?” You asked him, wanting to reach for his hand, but knowing it wouldn’t help him get through this.

“I went out. And the humans went mutant hunting. By the time I stumbled home shit-faced from the bar… you—you were all dead. Every single mutant in that house.” He explained, his voice shaking, his lower lip trembling once again. You were almost certain he was seeing those images again, because he squeezed his eyes shut, gritting his teeth.

A surge of sympathy shot through you. You wanted so badly to comfort him, to tell him it wasn’t his fault, but you knew he wouldn’t believe it.

“So now I wear this goddamn suit as a reminder. To remember all of you. To make sure I never forget what I did.”

You released a deep sigh, the story sounding familiar to you, in some ways. He glanced over at you, seeing somebody else for a moment. After another few seconds, you reached into your shirt and pulled out the dog tags you had been carrying with you. You turned them over in your hand, running your thumb over the inscription.

He glanced wearily at them, and you reached out, grasping his fist in your own hand and pulling it loose until you could fit the dog tags in his hand, which you then squeezed shut. “I carry these with me, for the same reason. To remind myself that I failed you. That I can’t take that back. That I have to do better, even if all I want to do is give up. You aren’t the only one who did something wrong, here. If I could fix my mistakes, I would, but I can’t. So I carry on. For Laura. For anyone who needs it. And it seems like this… Wade needs it. From you.”

His hand was splayed open, turning over the dog tags in his palm as he listened intently to you.

“Be the hero you weren’t the first time around.” You told him finally, reaching out and placing your palm in his, squeezing around the dog tags, before letting go.

You went to stand, and he stood after you, reaching out.

“I—I know you aren’t her. I know that. But can I pretend, for a minute, that you are?” He asked you, and the vulnerability of the request wasn’t lost on you. Your Logan rarely ever asked for anything, even if he desperately needed it, so you could only imagine the courage that this Logan had mustered to ask you that.

You nodded, silent.

There was a pause, and he looked into your eyes, searching for something that you didn’t know you possessed. But he seemed to find it.

“‘M sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” Logan told you at last, the apology seeming to burst from the depths of his chest. “I love you. I have loved you the whole time. I should have told you as soon as I felt it.” He confessed, and you saw the dog tags hanging from his fingers as he reached for you. And you couldn’t help yourself — you reached right back.

Your hands landed on either side of his face, so full of care, and you watched the tear run down his cheek. His own hands gripped you tightly, scared to let you go.

“I’m sorry.” He repeated, voice broken.

“It wasn’t your fault.” You told him firmly, before rushing forward, pulling him into a hug so tight you could’ve heard his metal bones creak. He buried his face in your hair, breathing you in, and held you tight. “I don’t blame you. I love you.” You said, breathing the words into his ear as though that would make him believe it. He gripped you tighter, squeezing you against him. “I love you.”

You cradled the back of his head with one hand, pressing him close, because you were just as scared to let him go. Distantly, you heard Laura call your name.

After a moment, you pulled back slightly, only to press your forehead against his for a minute. You could pretend that he was your Logan, selfishly, just for a moment more.

Laura got closer, calling out your name once more, and you pulled back to look in his eyes. “I love you.” He told you one last time, before he allowed you to pull yourself from his grasp.

You had no idea whether he would be joining your group tomorrow, but you walked away from him with an empty chest, wiping away the tears that had dared to fall during the encounter. You would leave the last of the motivational speech to Laura, who you smiled gently at as you passed her in the woods, nodding towards where Logan still stood.

Logan had gotten what he needed from you. And you, from him.

[blarshwritezz]

I dont know if you write for the Omegaverse..

Because how about a Bully (Alpha) x Nerd Male Reader (Omega) like the two of them dont get the Second Gender until now.. So basically the Bully realise that the Reader is his Fated Mate and dosent want anybody near him, only HIS.. But is really dificult for the Reader to not only Trust him but is also really scared of him..

So Reader first heat is a mess (Like the Bully is constally pound him with meaty d*ck) and the Bully is constally tell him sweet and suductive things to try to calm him down, even tho the Reader is crying because he still scared..

Finally ending with the Reader even more sacred knowing that the Alpha has mated him and posibly '´mark´´ him?

Well, I never have before, but I'll try! Apologies in advance for any mistakes

Yandere Bully Alpha x Nerd Omega Reader

M yan x M reader

TW - Possessiveness, jealousy, implied bullying, NSFW, dubcon

Somehow, since your bully realized you were his fated mate, life only got more difficult. At least you could have friends before! Now he occupied all your attention. If someone made eye contact with you for too long, he considered them a threat.

Honestly, you almost preferred how he acted in the past. Back when he would mock every little thing you did and make your life as hard as he could on purpose. Back when he made you do his homework and beat you up if you refused.

Now, he had you tutor him. It wouldn't be so bad if he didn't make you sit on his lap, or if he actually paid attention. He just sat there watching you work and listening to you teach him. He would hurt his face in your neck and breath in your scent, letting his voice fill your ears.

No wonder he always got so jealous when you used to have friends. It was your fault he felt that way, or so he thought. But once he realized you were meant to be his, he realized it was everyone else's fault! They shouldn't be near what's his.

He completely monopolized your time. Whenever you weren't at home, he was making you hang out with him. He'd try to spoil you with things to make up for how he treated you in the past, but that didn't fix it.

He hurt you. He made your life miserable, and he knew he was doing it the whole time. The damage he caused couldn't be fixed by some nice words or gifts.

He just didn't get it. No matter how hard he tried, you always recoiled from his touch. You always got tense when he held you. You never seemed to believe him when he showered you with praises. You didn't like his gifts. What was he doing wrong?

Maybe you liked it better when he was bullying you? So he tried it. He tried being mean to you again. But that only seemed to make it worse! He didn't get it. Why wouldn't you love him?! You were supposed to! He was your fated mate, so you had to love him!

He could only think of one more way to earn your love.

You didn't show up to school one day, which worried him. So of course, like a good mate, he skipped school after the first hour and promptly made his way to your house. He knew where you hid the so are key, so he just let himself in.

And there was a glorious sight awaiting him once he reached your room. There you were, face buried in your pillow, ass up as you stroked your aching cock. Your scent was absolutely overwhelming, and the sight immediately made him hard. You were already in the perfect position for him.

He quietly walked around you, adjusting his pants to let his meaty cock spring free. He'd help you...prove you needed him. Like a good mate.

"You need help there, my mate?" He carefully got behind you, using one hand to spread your ass and the other to line himself up with your needy hole.

You gasped at his raspy voice against your ear. There he was. The last man you wanted to see right now. He'd surely take advantage of your pathetic state.

But at the same time, just one look at his massive cock distracted you, your mind clouded by thought of being fucked.

He didn't let you answer before slowly pushing into you. He had to take it slow, filling you up inch by inch. He didn't want to hurt you. Not yet.

"Shhhh, that's it, you're doing so good." He cooed in your ear as you whined.

Once he thought you were ready, he slowly thrust into you...but it wasn't long before he lost control. How could he not? You felt so good all warm and tight around his thick cock. He was entirely unable to resist the incredible feeling.

He was relentless, stretching you to fit his huge cock without much care for your comfort. Even when tears began to stream down your face, he didn't slow down. He just kissed them away as he continued his harsh thrusts.

You were just crying because you weren't used to feeling this good. Right? That had to be it.

"It'll be okay, you're taking me so well." He hushed you, his breath hot against your skin as he trailed kisses across your jaw.

Your choked moans only enticed him further. He could already feel himself needing to cum. He's never felt such amazing pleasure before. No wonder you were his.

His kisses trailed lower and lower, down your neck, turning harsher. Turning to sucking and gentle nibbling, until he was biting you. He had to mark you of course, and in the most obvious places he could too. You were his. Everyone had to know.

He made sure you were the first to cum, which wasn't hard. Your heat had made you more sensitive. He was enjoying every bit of that. And you deserved to be the one feeling all the pleasure right now.

As you own cum covered your stomach, chest, and the sheets beneath you he couldn't help but praise you more. "What a good boy...I knew you enjoyed this as much as I did. Don't worry, you have your whole heat cycle to get used to me."

He wasn't going to let you feel needy for even a second. He was going to fuck you hard day and night, filling you with his cum, until your heat was over. He was just such a good mate like that.

Again, apologies for any mistakes!

[baby-xemnas]

i love to think about young lawbepo, especially the day they met and the days/weeks/months after, when law was 13 and bepo was 9, so cute and innocent! 🥺💕 i can see it being something like love at first sight for young bepo when young law came to his aid and fought to protect him. i’ve always gotten the vibe that bepo was picked on a lot as a child, that he was used to it, and because it was rare for anyone to stand up for him, let alone physically fight for him, he just wasn’t one to expect it. i’m not sure how long the fight lasted between law and penguin/shachi, but i bet young bepo was in absolute awe, thinking “he’s doing all this and he doesn’t even know me! he’s fighting two guys at once! that’s amazing! he’s so cool! 😳😍🤩” and bepo wears his heart on his sleeve, so he was likely very enthusiastic and emotional and affectionate in telling law just how thankful he is for law saving him and how incredibly awesome he thinks law is, the coolest person bepo has ever seen in his life 😆 young bepo immediately following and clinging to his hero, shyly holding on to law’s shirt, not wanting to be separated, just an instant pure-hearted love that grows strong and fast the more bepo gets to know law 🥺💕 i wonder how law responded to such a level of devotion from this cute little polar bear, and if it was overwhelming for him? i can see law being a bit stoic and awkward about it at first, not knowing how to respond to bepo’s affection, not expecting bepo to become so attached to him. but maybe internally it doesn’t take long for law to become quietly possessive of bepo’s admiration and affection, coveting it, liking the way bepo smiles at him and looks at him with stars in his eyes, wanting to protect and keep bepo close, even though he hasn’t known bepo that long and it is unusual for law to warm up to others

perfect take zero notes

yes i absolutely think that bepo was picked on when he was small back on zou because how do you come to conclusion "if i dont fight back we can be friends" thats so wrong... maybe when he was very young he hurt a smaller species baby and adults got very mad so bepo just never responded to any bullying since. just by being born a polar bear he was the biggest and strongest child so he got told by adults repeatedly to be very careful so he grew up so timid

zepo wasnt much help because when he was around he was tough on bepo - didnt bully him ofc but he told him not to listen to anybody and always fight back (jock mentality lol) but bepo couldnt follow his advice so that really upset him

he was very happy when law saved him not just because of that but also because law was nice and heard him out and looked at him normally (ofc bepo saw the obvious HOLY SHIT A BEAR IS TALKING on laws face at first but it wasnt like the weird vibes other people he interacted with gave him)

law is so amazing he is his hero he is so kind....its even more cute because law is actively fighting his prickly habits that he gathered from being in DQ family...he is very upset at himself is he loses patience with bepo and the other two and treats them the best he can (he is rly such a hard working boy it makes me wanna cry) and its good because bepo is so forgiving and moves on easily if law acts prickly out of habit and bepo gets all sad law is like im sorry its not your fault and bepo perks up immediately because WOW LAW SAN IS BEING SO NICE

it honestly takes law aback sometimes how easy it is for him to affect bepo's mood and stir it in positive direction - but he is happy because he doesnt want him to be upset...

law deciding "ill protect him forever" about bepo who is so soft (mentally and physically yes) and vulnerable is so cute and great i love to think about it

[thesovietonion77]

new tgo perdere lore drop and ranting abt my lil sis and the depths of her brain

also addressing this rq

i do not ship Eclin, but my little sister kinda does a little bit 😭😭 and shes the one who came up with the ideas for our fanfiction (the grand occult). she says she absolutely does not ship it romantically and i have heard her muttering in her sleep her little dialogue bits she does with her voice acting and it went a little smth like this(pretty sure this was in an episode but this sounded much more erm eh)

Eclipse: are you....scared..?~

Ruin: ..s-scared? W-well, you...could say i am a bit, eh, frightened*nervous laugh* by your appearance...erm..you...*noticeably scareder* you.....ec-Eclipse..?

Eclipse: *whispering* Are you...terrified of me..?~

and then she stopped for like two minutes before saying something that sounded so practiced she practically recited it from memory, with ruin and solar's voices on point as always(i stayed awake listening through all of this)

warning, kidnap mention and implied r@pe in the script below!! ⚠️⚠️⚠️

Sol: Ruin..?

Ru: Gh-!....Oh. Hello, Solar.

S: Hey...i, uh, just wanted to...see if you were okay. You know, with Eclipse kidnapping you and all.

R: I know. I was there. And...i'm fine. thank you.

S: ....are- are you sure..?

R: *heavy pause* *like you're boutta cry* ...no. not at all.

s: ...do you want to talk about it?

r: ...i was wondering why...why he would take me, of all people, to that awful place. i know he thinks i'm the one who rebuilt him, but i never knew... he...h-he would...*very shaky exhale*....and as it turns out, i was....i was only there for his.....pleasure. *shaky breath* god, that awful, blood-boiling, selfish prick!...i tried, Solar, i tried...my hardest, to fight back, but....i-i...i wasn't strong enough. i was too weak..to...to stop him. to do anything.

S: *realization suddenly dawns on him* you mean...h-he...? *very quiet gasp* ...OH....OH MY GOD.....Ruin, he...?

R: ...I already know what you think. i'm revolting. the fact i let him do that to me is repugnant.

S: N-no, that isn't at all what i was gonna say!- That- That is entirely not your fault, it's Eclipse's!....oh my god, it's....it's my fault too. Damn it, Moon and i should've been keeping an eye on you, we should have been protecting you in case, oh god, oh god-

R: Solar, it...it makes me feel worse when you're frustrated with yourself, please...

S: We have to tell Moon. Something that'll prove we need to pay more attention, we-

R: N-NO!-...i don't want anybody to know about this. You're not one to think less of somebody based on the things they've been forced to do, but i cannot....i cannot trust that of the others. i dont want them to think down of me, like i'm some...agh, i don't know! please, Solar.

S: But Ruin, telling someone would help you-

R: Solar.

and that was all i heard before she finally went back to sleep- so i asked her abt it the next morning and she said "Oh, that's part of Perdere's backstory now! that's why he hates Eclipses, especially Lord Myrik, because he gives off that vibe and you know why. And also why in the RHau he's terrified of Ardeo."

and so yep. That's Per now. Their Eclipse was a fucking asshole before they got the star, and now he's fucking dead. Also, Per's dimension never had a Bloodmoon (That's why he's so attached to sanguine in a stolitz kinda way)

thanks, my 13 year old sister's brain(?)

[twst-hanaya]

TWST Book 7 Chapter 5 Thoughts:

Spoilers under the cut, also I'm basically typing this out as I play so it's like a liveblog sort of.

Malenora is That Bitch

Sorry, ahem. Malenora is a QUEEN (technically a Princess but my point stands)

Absolutely loving her design aaaaahhhh! The horns! The headpiece! The DRIP!

Sorry, I'll try to stop simping.

You can see such an intense resemblance between Malenora and Malleus obviously in appearance but also personality.

They both breathe confidence and self assurance because they're so powerful, both are fairly temperamental, though Malenora seems to be more brash and lashes out with tantrums while Malleus - perhaps due to his father - tends to sulk more than he does explode with anger, though the lightning and bad weather happens with both of them.

Moving on, her relationship with Lilia is interesting. You definitely get the sense that he may have harbored romantic feelings for her when they were younger but at this point truly loves her as something even beyond that, and different.

I swear I nearly started crying in public when they were squabbling over Lilia taking the Egg and leaving Malenora to fight the Knight of Dawn and Lilia was like I can't love this baby for you, I've never loved anybody, I still need you, this baby needs you.

And Malenora fucking hits him with You love me. You love Levan - there simply isn't any way for you not to love our child when you love us so much.

Oh shit I'm crying just typing that.

Anyway

And you know it really hit me in that moment that Lilia's earlier comments about not liking weak things like children - it isn't true, not even then. To love something powerless and weak and fragile means risking your own heart. Just as easily as they could lose their life, you could break your own heart. Lilia has always been afraid.

And when he lost Malenora - someone who he loved, who was the strongest person he knew - died anyway, and left her Love in and Egg, he had to accept that being hurt wasn't something anyone could live without risking.

Moving on, the Knight of Dawn is still a mystery to me, but he doesn't actually seem evil. Apparently he's an orphan who owes a life debt to the previous King, and is in a relationship with the princess Reia. And of course he helped the entourage escape with the Egg - an act I think ultimately saved Silver's life and Lilia's own humanity, among the other obvious things.

Henrik also needs to fucking die what a goddamn bastard KILL HIM MALENORA (I know she doesn't make it but I think she should still get to kill this dude AT LEAST)

Silver losing his shit is kind of understandable after all this, I get it. It hurts me to see him blame himself for literally just being born though he did nothing wrong he was an ACTUAL BABY PLEASE THINK RATIONALLY. Literally if anyone else were out in that situation you know this doofus would be like yeah literally none of this was your fault of course you deserve to live and be happy. But shits not that easy I get it.

Also I actually laughed a little during that scene where Lilia finds baby Silver and he's like STOP CRYING BITCH YOU DONT HAVE THE RIGHT

Like dude I get you're mad at yourself and all but your still yelling at a literal baby please stop 😭

Oh bonus points, I ALSO cried when I found out Lilia's Unique Magic is literally called Farcry Cradle. Like. This man who insisted for literal centuries that he wasn't capable of warmth or love and that he didn't like weak things or children and his UM called FARCRY CRADLE.

全ては過ぎ去る日のようにどこへ向かうもの瞬きの間よ、遠くの揺りかごまで

Also Silver was BLONDE???

Also Malleus being like Aw Shit, What Do I Do With This Thing with baby Silver was great. Love that.

Also totally forgot to just say I'm a bit shook that Silver was actually frozen in time for 100+ years and not a descendent. Was genuinely not expecting that.

Also got me FUCKED UP with the acorn bracelet being a gift from child!Silver like how much more emotional damage am I going to have to endure exactly

NOOO BABY OF COURSE LILIA LOVES YOU

Sidenote child Sebek and Silver are adorable

Cackling at child Sebek having Zero Chill.

He'll yeah, Sebek Unique Magic! "Living Bolt" is very appropriate for him! Pimp slap that boy (Silver) awake!

Silver: Malleus and Lilia probably hate me.

Me, out loud: shut the fuck up. Stop letting your lizard brain control you!

Sebek: *proceeds to immediately deck him*

Good job Sebek!

Sebek is so baby honestly.

Sebek is so right, what a king. I really love how Sebek shows Silver that he's loved. Look at how strong you are - who gave you that strength (love?)

Also I'm always a sucker for that trope when a character who doesn't have any self confidence ends up accusing the people who love them of lying, and really their own self-denegration ends up hurting the very people they care about. How hurtful and insulting it is to have your own moral character and your heartfelt affection for a person be tossed aside in favor of propping up someone's self hatred.

When Silver was like they cant love me and Sebek really said don't you fucking disrespect me or Lilia-Sama like that again. Yeah.

Thankfully Silver regains some clarity and they move along shounen-style, very good.

Oh man the battles for this chapter were actually kind of a pain.

Also tbh I don't know how to feel about them using a recolored version if Silver's 2D rig for the Knight of Dawn. It looks off, personally.

Also in a separate post I made, I said Malleus was like an uncle in their quartet but this whole Book has made it fairly clear that he's more of an older brother. With how long it takes for fae to mature, especially long-lived ones like Dragons, it's clear that Malleus is more like a 16 year old whose parents suddenly busted out a new kid.

I'm tired Goodnight

[keen-li]

IN YOUR MIND | JJK

Pt 1

Summary: jungkook is the man who is constantly on and in your mind.

Warnings: toxic family, , mental health, jungkook can quickly switch moods.

A/n: I love the concept of this story. Feed back is always appreciated.

If you're going through anything in your life, speak to somebody you trust and if you don't have anybody, dm me :)

_________

You're sat at the dinner table having dinner with your family.

It was the time of the month were your family would have dinner together.

Since you and your sister moved out of the house, your parents felt the need to do this things so that you could feel like a family still.

Your older sister moved out and lives with her fiance while you live in an apartment near your college.

Nothing in this world would ever make your family feel like a family, not even the false smiles you all plastered on your faces.

Your parents felt the need to do this to hide the faults in their marriage and even in your family. One of the reasons why your sister and you took the earliest chance to live your parent's home was because you could feel the tension in the room when you were  all together.

"So Y/N how are the preparations for your exams going?" She asks stuffing her face with the steak she had cooked half-heartedly.

"My exams finished a week ago actually." You scoff in your head.

She's taken a back " Oh, you didn't tell me".

"You didn't ask" you shoot back now making eye contact with her.

"Well maybe if yiu called more oft-"

"Save that shit for the birds mom" you spit placing your fork down

"Hey young lady that no way to speak to your mother" your dad jumps in your mother's defence and you simply roll your eyes and scoff.

After a few moments of silence.

"Any way, Naya how are your wedding preparations going" your dad asks your sister.

"See Y/N your sister found herself a good man and is getting married soon. When are you even going to start dating" your mom says and before you could give her a piece of your mind your sister  steps in.

"Mom not that" she says trying to keep the peace. "we decided to wait a year or so before actually start planning the wedding"

Your mom pauses "and why is that?"

"Hoseok and I have things we have to do before we get married. He has a job to stabilise first and I have a business I need too keep up with. And thinking about a wedding will just add on to the pressure."

"That's still not a good enough reason" your mother says

Your sister rolls her eyes " what would you know about reasoning anyways." She says under her breath.

"What did you say" your mother asks. Your sister is silent while your mother looks at her.

" I didn't say anything" she responds. The fact that your sister couldn't stand up to your mother pissed you off.

"I'm pretty sure you said something" your mother starts to bug.

" She said what would you know about reasoning" I say getting irritated by her constant questioning.

"Y/N!" my sister yells shoving my shoulder.

"You know what you little..." your mother starts to yell at you.

"Larissa save it" your father calls for your mother.

"What so you're gonna let them derespect me? Huh?"

"They have a point" your father says making your mother angry.

"How dare you side with them, I'm your wife" your father rolls his eyes at that.

"Wife? You don't act that way"He chuckles "i barely live here anyways" that point catches you and your sister's attention.

"What? You two don't live together" your sister says.

"Not surprised honestly" you say your mood getting lower. Where's Jungkook when you need him.

"What do you expect girls" your father says laughing.

"Is this funny to you? How could you say that to them."

"Unlike you I'm not one for pretending..."

Your Mind fades out thinking about all your "happy" moments with your Parents. Nothing is the same and you don't think you ever want it to be the same. As your parents argue, you're caught in your thoughts tears dare to fall but you dont let them.

"Let's get out of here"   

"Huh" you respond

"Excuse yourself and let's get out of here" jungkook repeats himself more Clearly. You do as he says and get up from your chair and walk to the bathroom leaving your Parents arguing.

You enter the bathroom. And sit on the closed toilet seat.

"Are you okay" jungkook asks you in his comforting voices that he uses when you're sad.

And immediately he asks that the flood gates open and you begin to cry. As you sob you feel arms around you knowing its jungkook trying to comfort.

"It's gonna be okay" he tells you "I always tell you not to come to these dinners cause it always ends with you in tears."

"Don't start with the 'I told you so' jungkook." You sob his hands rub your back.

"I'm not, I'm just saying. I hope you listen to me and not come to the next one"

"I don't think there'll be a next one, jungkook" you chuckle.

He chuckles as well "I know"

"Now stop crying and wash your face. You look a mess" by this time you have calmed down from your sobbing.

You stand up go to the sink and rinse your face, you pat your face dry with one of your mom's towels.

"See you look better"he says making you smile. You turn to face him.

"I'm glad I have you here with me in times like this"

"I'm glad I can be there for you" he steps closer to you and places his hand on your cheek. You give in to his touch and smile.

"I love you so much" he says.

"I love you too" you say back to him, he leans in to kiss you but before he could-

"Who are you talking to?" She asks looking concerned. I forgot to lock the door you think to yourself. She must have been standing there the whole time and I didn't even notice.

"Uhh wha-"

"and who's jungkook?"

You stand there frozen and don't answer not knowing what to say.

"Tsk tsk" jungkook chuckles at you mockingly.

There's no way out of this.

[goldmanguyperson]

(idk how to tag this so im just going to put a break in. i talk about sexual trauma but in a way that is not at all detailed; i am simply speaking of why people, especially kids, might not talk about it. Cept for the last part which i have put a special and very large warning for)

i think it’s weird that many people expect minors to be completely pure and have no sexual thoughts or desires. not to say that they should publicly express them!! that is dangerous and also i do not want to know about it (and neither should any other random adult).

but i do think that acting like they can never be sexual makes it a lot harder for minors to accept that feeling such ways is completely okay. Especially since the age range the term “minor” is about, includes the ages when theyre experiencing such things for the first time, and trying to figure them out. They deserve to feel safe to talk about it with people they trust, and should not be shamed for doing so. Even when it turns out poorly for them because the person they trusted turns out to be not trustworthy, that still does NOT mean that it was their fault and they should go back to being “pure”. it means it was the trusted person’s fault. (Please note i am not saying it is okay for adults to engage in explicit talk with minors. i mean it should be safe for them to ask questions about what is okay and to search for reassurance. and it definitely should be okay for minors to speak amongst others around their age, so long as everyone is safe and comfortable, just like anybody else).

demonizing these feelings among minors also can make it harder to discuss things that have happened to them or things theyve seen that they may be uncomfortable about, if they are sexual in nature. It is vitally important to be able to speak about scary and uncomfortable things that may have happened to you, and making that as a cultural baseline harder to do is fucking nasty.

There is definitely a lot of questions and concerns to be had about teens communicating about such things online. I do not deny that. But I do also think it worth considering that many people do not feel comfortable speaking about many things with others in person, or they may have a tough and unaccepting in person life that makes it difficult to speak to others in general, and they do not deserve to feel lonely in any aspect. This is not to say that talking online is fully safe, and no harm can come from it. It isn’t, and it can. And yes, it can totally be easier for minors to be exploited online, in large part because you cannot tell who is on the other side of the screen. But life offline is also not perfectly safe. It offers a few more tools to know who to avoid, but can also be more dangerous to being physically safe, and liars and exploitative people always have the potential to lie and exploit, no matter where they are.

(suicide attempt CW, no detail and not mine, in this next paragraph. Also sexual harassment, when i was a child, that was done to me! awesome /sarcasm. and obviously, you dont need to read this next part.)

I speak from experience. we all were young once. my most traumatizing online experience was not a sexual one, but it was still extremely distressing, and it did involve a different but similar taboo. Someone almost killed themselves when I was trying to help them over DM. If my mom were any less supportive or understanding of those with mental health issues, I likely would not have talked to her about what had happened. I only got support in what happened because i grew up around those who attempt to destigmatize mental health. I cannot imagine how i would deal with an experience like being sexually taken advantage of or otherwise traumatized or significantly discomforted in a sexual way online. i dont think i would have told a soul, for many reasons, the significant one being that it was so often implied to me that to be sexual is wrong. it took me years of help from my friends to stop being so scared of myself in this aspect.

I actually literally did get sexually harassed once, in person, by an at the time fellow teen. i was slapped in an inappropriate place and taunted about it. I told nobody until years later; in part because of the idea that to be sexual is to be bad. I only even realized that this fit the definition of sexual harassment much later. If I had not been steeped in the idea that nobody my age could have possibly done such a thing, if i had not been steeped in the idea that minors can never feel sexual or want power in a sexual manner, if i had felt able to speak, maybe some action could have been taken. maybe i would at least have not had to fucking deal with that kid at camp again. Or maybe i wouldve just been pulled out of that camp because of course, it’s always the victim’s fault, isn’t it? But anyways. yknow the only people i ended up telling? one girl who thought the guy was into her, to try and keep her safe; and my online friends i have had for probably like half a decade now (a lot to all of us cuz we are all young and around the same age) because they were the only people i really trusted about stuff like this.

in ending. Fucked up shit! stigma is bad, people, it fucking sucks! I will not let you perpetuate it. especially not in the name of progressivism, not in the name of keeping kids safe, not in the name of anybody. you help nothing and and up ruining lives

[nightguide]

MUCH ADO ABOUT ASTROLOGY: babies love you saying it and now you're pretending to be one

SUNS EDITION

1H SUNS ARE CLINICALLY AROUND THAT ONE VIRGO AND THEY'RE THE BEST CUZ VIRGO SUNS MAINTAIN HONOUR BY IMITATING AN AQUARIUS AND NOT THE LATTER CUZ A OF THE MARTIAN ENERGY FROM THE HOUSE THAT MAKES VIRGO MORE COMPETENT THAN THE MERCURIAL BENEFITS A 1H CAN MAKE BY BEING AND THEY HAVE THE WHOLE FCKIN LIBRARY TO COMPENSATE THEIR DUMBASS JACKASS MOVIE THEY LIVE IN AS LONG AS VIRGOS LOVE BEING THAT MOVIE BY PURE FORCE AN NATURE THAT VIRGO SUNS DIRECTED EVERYTHING JOHNNY KNOXVILLE DID THE FIRST TIME INSANITY A 1H CAN NEVER GET BACK (CUZ THEY ARE THAT EXPERIENCE)

2H SUNS GET MORE BY LEARNING HOW TO BE A DUMBASS (LIKE I FEEL SORRY FOR THE AQUA SUNS WHO LIVE WITH THAT BULLSHIT DAILY BY THAT ONE AMERICAN TV SHOW THEY LEARNED FROM ANNOYING THEM 24/7, THE CHIRON POST IS THERE FOR YOU TO SS AND LIKE ANYTIME) AN THATS HOW 2H SUNS LIKE TO LIE BUT HATES IT SO THEY DONT MAKE THE PLANET DO IT FOR THEM (MARS RULED) SO ITS NOT THEIR FAULT (ANYBODY RLLY) 3H SUNS HATE YOU. JUST WATCH THEM GO

4H SUNS DELIVER EVERYTHING TO YOU BUT BE KIND THAT AN 11H MARS SHUTS THEM UP INSTANTLY ALWAYS BUT LIVING IN THEIR OWN UNIVERSE THAT EVEN THE DIRECTORS OF MINDHUNTER IS LOOKING TOO STUPID FOR THEIR OWN GOOD TO NARRATE THEIR LIVES NOW (YOU CAN COME OUT OF HIDING)

5H SUNS ARE LIKE A TURTLE NOW, I CANNOT THINK BUT THEY ALREADY LIVED 10 LIVES IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE THAT EVEN THEIR ZEN-LIKE BEHAVIOUR CANNOT REPRIMAND YOU FOR A GOOD TIME (SATURN NOW RULES OVER TURTLES FOR OLD AGE THAN OLD AGE BEING RULED BY PLUTO WHO ARE NOW THE MASTERS OF FCK AROUND AND FIND OUT AN THEY ACT LIKE 5 FOR THEIR AGE) NOT EVEN THE LATTER CAN QUESTION YOU AROUND A 5H SUN, LIKE HOW DARE YOU TALK SHI- AN NOW U KNOW WHY SATURNIANS RULE THE WORLD FOR A 5H SUN

6H SUNS HATE HAIR

7H SUNS HATE IMPRESSIONS

8H SUNS ARE IN EUPHORIA

9H ARE LIKELY TO BE THINKING OF THEMSELVES AS JESUS AND MISTAKENLY THEY ARE

10H SUNS ARE GAY

11H SUNS ARE PEOPLE PLEASERS

12H SUNS IS SELENA GOMEZ

NOW FOR THE SIGNS

ARIES SUNS ARE DYING ALWAYS BUT THEY KNEW WHY THEY HAD TO WATCH ALL OF THOSE FAST AN FURIOUS MOVIES ON A RE-RUNS TO SEE WHERE AND WHY FAMILY MATTERED

TAURUS SUNS ARE THINKING ALWAYS THINKING ABOUT THE LATTER BUT NEVER DOES IT ANYWAY (ESPECIALLY THOSE WITH VIRGO MARS)

GEMINI SUNS HATE TIMING BUT HATING TIMING IS HATING THEMSELVES HATING THE UNIVERSE, BUT ONLY IF YOU LIVED WITH THEM LONG ENOUGH YOU'LL REALISE THAT THE WORLD IS A BABY TO THEM BUT THAT BABY IS LITERALLY JUST A BIT IN THEIR SOUL THAT MADE NO INTEREST TO THEM PHYSICALLY THAT TOLD THEM OFF FOR NO REASON SO THEY'RE ARGUING WITH THE GENERAL PUBLIC FOR A REASON THAT THEIR 'LIGHT' IS THEIR OWN LITTLE FRIEND THAT GOT TRAPPED THERE FOR DEMONISING REASON THAT HAD THEM IN A CHOKEHOLD THAT KEEPS THEM INTERESTED BY A FEELING AND NOT VIRTUE

CANCER SUNS TIMING IS TOO SHIT THAT THE WORLD DOES IT FOR THEM FOR FREE. AND IT IS THERE... BUT THEY LAZY EXCEPT EYES THAT THEY CANNOT AFFORD, BUT THIS IS JUST LIKE A THERAPIST/SURGEON/ASTRO-PHYSICIST CANNOT FIX, ALL THEY NEED IS A GOOD SLAP ON THE FACE AN THEY'LL DO IT FOR YOU ANY TIME (THEY'RE PERFECTLY DEPENDENT THAT WAY)

LEO SUNS TAKE THEIR TIME. ALWAYS. BRUTALLY. TOO SLOW. FOR HUMANS. TO READ THEM.

VIRGO SUNS DREAM TOO MUCH, THEY LOOPY BUT WORDS ARENT THEIR FRIENDS ANYMORE (BABY OF THE ZODIAC) BUT THE FCK ARE THEY GONNA GROW UP BELIEVING THEY'RE GOING TO DREAM THAT WAY IF THEIR MOM IS A PIECE OF SHIT THEY THE ONES TO BACK INTO BABY IF THOUGHT TO BE AN THEY AINT (LAZIEST PPL ON EARTH)

LIBRA SUNS DEPEND TOO MUCH, THEY LEARN THE OPPOSITE FROM BEING EVICTED FROM EARTH SINCE THEY LOVE A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP WITH ALLAH

SCORPIO SUNS LIE ALL THE TIME, THEIR ALGORITHM ON GOOGLE IS SO SHIT THAT EVEN PROPHET MUHAMMAD (PBUH) LIED TO ALLAH TO CHANGE HIS OWN AGENDA BY CREATING THE WORLD ABOUT HIM FOR HIM AND TOO MUCH THAT HE IS ACTUALLY THE DEVIL IN EVERYBODY'S DREAMS AN IT AINT EVEN THERAPY ANYMORE IF UR MALADAPTIVE DAYDREAMING HIM IN UR SLEEP TO CALM U DOWN

SAGITTARIUS SUNS DONT CARE.

CAPRICORN SUNS FORGET THEIR WORLD TOO SERIOUSLY THAT THE SECOND THEY GET BACK UP FROM THEIR TIME IN HAWAII WHICH IS LIKE THEIR SEXUAL PERSONA IF THEY HATE YOU OR ELSE ITS A RESORT FOR LIL SUNS THEY SEE AROUND TOWN, THEN THEY KNOW THEY KNEW YOU TOO FINE THAT THEY HATE TIME TO BE YOU BUT THATS WHERE THE HYPOCRISY LIES BETWEEN NOW AND NEVER

AQUARIUS SUNS BELIEVE YOU BUT HELL NOW EVEN SAG SUNS AND MARS HATE TIME TO BE YOU, SO WHATS THE FCKIN POINT IN BEING ALIVE RN OR... END IT??? JUS... NOW... NOT EVEN THERE... YOU ... THE.. NEW ARIES???? NOW???? DID... ASTROLOGY.. JUST BREAK FOR THEM???????? GODS DAMN

PISCES SUNS ARE TOO LETHAL TO EXIST, LIKE FORGET YOU KNOWING LEE PACE'S BIRTHDAY, PLACE OF BIRTH AN HIS ENTIRE WIKIPEDIA MEMORISED TO YOUR HEART, LIKE YOU'RE AN ANGEL TO DEVISE A WORLD WITH HIM AN NOT AGAINST HIM CUZ OF 'THE OTHER WOMAN', LIKE THEY'RE OKAY WITH THE WORLD 'BUT IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO CHUCK, YOU'RE DEAD' PERSONALITY COMES IN, AND YOU'RE PHYSICALLY DEAD BY THE ADMIRATION, JUST SO YOU KNOW. THEY'RE LETHAL TO BE AROUND WITH THAN THE LATTER SO BEWARE THAT CHUCK CUTIE NEXT TO THEM WHO KNOWS YOU DEEPLY THAN ANYBODY BUT THAT IS NOT EVEN IT, THEY KNEW BUT THEY'LL NEVER STOP KNOWING EVEN IF IT MEANT THE LIFE OF THEM KNOWING YOU KNOWN.

[dying-sage]

got too embarrassed to have this on public blog so couple days later going here.

might merge my diary yap blog and this becuz whatever but im DONE with my self hating bullshit idk if being inside is just letting me think and breathe and be my gorgeous introvert self for once but i feel so free and so floaty like nothing is real and could easily be crushed by me pinching my life and rubbing it between my fingers. like its all so okay when im inside and by myself but i wish i was capable of this thinking outside. when i go out i get so overwhelmed and there are so many variables to make me feel like shit but not even hate myself or whadeva but act in ways that i feel i dont stand by and dont believe. i get meaner or sadder or people pleasy or contrarian or anything to not be vulnerable and authenthic. i have in the past gotten strong on my own and made my life better by being who i am while surrounded by others. ive lost that now and its been a while since i felt comfortable in my REAL HUMAN skin. ive been consumed by self hate and a desire to make myself believe im worthy by relying on other people. i know all the therapist things to say to all of this but its hard to believe in low moments where you need to do so the most. i just dont want to spectate my life anymore. i want to experience things and take ACTION and bring things into my life myself. sometimes this makes me feel pathetic because i am surrounded by people who command attention and dont need to build on their own, they have volunteers who want to help them and want to be in their life whatever that may mean. ive been working on releasing the shame and jealousy ive felt for my ENTIRE LIFE for these people because its not their fault and it is nobodys fault. with life so fragile they could slip and end everything they have. maybe what they have is only desirable to you and not to them and they wish they could have just a moment of calm. the grass always greener on the other side always makes sense but its so hard to make yourself believe it about things you think are fundamentally wrong with you. the thing that helped me is unironically social media because it is impossible that so many people, in fact, most people my age believe something wrong is within them. this makes no sense, if everyone is unlovable and off-putting and unattractive and yearns for love but never recieves it, nobody is alone. even if the people around me dont have these problems because i went to a school surrounded by well-off or otherwise eccentric people who, again, commanded attention. if i had ended up in a regular one im sure my perspective would be different. so FUCK IT. fuck the bars where its just men trying to fuck my friends fuck the clubs with awful music fuck desperation for alcohol to have a good time fuck cigarettes to calm down and regain balance fuck the sweet vape snack so you dont feel hungry fuck comparing yourself to pretty girls fuck comparing yourself to pretty boys fuck comparing yourself to ANYBODY fuck spectating fuck going quiet because youre sure theyre only talking so they can get to your friends. its time to stay inside. go outside alone. do shit for yourself NOT TO ALEVIATE FOMO IR ANXIETY but to better your life despite those things. okay yap over gafdammn.

[serialexperiments33-blog]

my mom constantly compares me tl.my father and always has, and then the next beat will tell me how he was a narcissistic beater who abandons everything. meanwhile, when trying to talk to her about her daughters education and grades and stuff, my mom constantly finds ways to bring the conversation back to herself and her own progress, rather than focusing on her child and solutions to her troubles. even when i tried talking about my grammas visit- bam, it became about how badly they treated her and how i dont need to tell her anything because she knows everything about them already, but have you heard about this with her boyfriend brett or have you heard this story about your dad and what horrible things he did (the one that looks and acts just like you, taylor. youre no better than your dad, taylor. youre a horrible person, taylor.) basically, she ignores my suffering, ignores that i am victim to them too, ignores that her own son molested me for so long, even though i thought she would beliebe me and care because she was molested by her own brother too. she doesnt deny it which is somehow worse, nstead she tells me "what happened between you two isnt my business," even though it started while we lived in hopkins when i went to elementary school and she was my legal guardian. but her kid getting molested isnt any of her business, cause its not about her boyfriend

the first time i ever opened up to her about my suicidal ideations she slammed the door in my face. i was a kid and she said i was being manipulative. meanwhile i had been shing and was just trying to get help from someone i trusted. i learned that day that a mother is someone you cater to. a mother is someone you make sure you never step out of line with, a mother is someone who could never do wrong, who is only ever the victim. its always "im sorry you feel this way" or "im sorry you think that". i learned that nobody actually cares, and all this hatred i have towards mhself, all the tjings that happened to me, none of jt mattered, in fact if i ever attempted to open up about it or anything i was being a burden to others. i was a burden. and to this day its impossible for me to unlearn that. ive been trying, but i always end up getting so scared that i was too much of a burden, that i was disgusting, that it was my fault and i was asking for it and i was always a fucking tease, and i could never let it go, and now im 25 and get mistaken as 40, now im 25 and i am disgusting, now im 25 and irredeemable and filthy and unlovable.

in all honesty, i prefer my dad throwing things at me and yelling at me and locking me out of the house in negative degree weather and trying to come onto me. at least he doesnt make me feel like im making everything up. he would just buy me icecream so i wouldnt tell anybody.

[ihavenopersonalityuwu]

Wow so the day actually got worse somehow. We were behind all afternoon, all our shit turned red in the computers (which means we're not meeting deadlines so people think their meds are ready and they arent), and we ended the fucking day that way. In the red, with 60 scripts waiting to be filled the next morning. People kept getting mad at us bc there were constant problems that me and the cashier couldn't fix ourselves, one pharmacist who is shit at her job and one tech who was spread way too thin and doing way too much. He was covering bc we were gonna have no techs otherwise, thank god he was there though. The line of people wouldn't stop and there were problems with like all of their meds, so the ones who came earlier and we gave a time to come back were coming back to find their stuff not ready yet. I was freaking out, I can fill prescriptions now but I still don't really know what I'm doing, and my anxiety is so bad lately that I take forever to count and sometimes have to double count bc I'm scared I got it wrong, and it was just.. A really bad day. Kept getting really angry, which I was doing better with for awhile, but I just kept punching stuff here and there because I couldn't keep it under wraps. I would've started hitting my head or like breaking shit if I didn't do that, and I hate that feeling bc I make an idiot out of myself for it every time I lose control in front of people. I was just so done with the people, I couldn't make them happy no matter what I did and I had way too many act like dicks. The cashier wasn't doing what she should've been either, she's dual job coded for cashiering inside and outside the pharmacy so she has two supervisors, but she listened to the one who told her take an hour lunch and didn't even ask the pharmacy manager, even though she doesn't "have to" for a 12 hr shift like that person said, and in pharmacy we always take half hour lunches for a good reason. Also she had to take hers at a less than ideal time in order to space her shift correctly, then she takes what was definitely more than an hour so it fucked everything up so bad. I was really pissed and I couldn't hide it at all. Then she goes around cleaning everything when there's shit she should be doing, like you know, cashiering and sorting the prescription bags (we threw them up unsorted bc we were low on time, but that's not how it's supposed to be long term), and it was stressing me out because I'm doing the register when I'm supposed to be filling and none of the scripts are organized, so I don't know where anything is. Cleaning the windows was not that fucking important, but that's what she was doing the whole time. Then complained about the bags not being organized, which is what she should've been doing that whole time was sorting them! This is turning into a vent at this point but idc. Im just so done. And I have to do it all again tomorrow. But we have decent staffing, both in terms of numbers and people lol so it should be better. Thankfully we often have a tech and a pharmacist come an hour before opening to catch up on the previous days work, so we shouldn't start off in the red at the very least. And I come in an hour after opening so it shouldn't be too crazy when I come in.

[actualbird]

analysis: SSR Under The Milky Way, luke pearce, and dichotomies that make him a wonderfully contradictory mess of a character and make this love story one i really adore

(wow, thats a mouthful of a title. cuz this is a mouthful of a post)

wc: 2.7k

obligatory disclaimer that these are just my own thoughts and interpretations. spoilers for up to luke's personal story 4, his anniv card obviously, and other cards here and there too

-

luke is a mess

hes Such a Mess. i dont mean this in the "physical space organization" tho that is hilariously canon (pls whenever we're in the 2nd floor of his building i cant stop focusing on the papers on the floor, one of them literally under the leg of the table, MY MAN PICK UP UR FILES JHSDVFKJSDH), but i mean it in the emotional sense. and i also mean it so lovingly, cuz it's among the many things i love abt his character. hes so messy, he has so many character traits that i'd classify as flaws and faults that make him interesting to endlessly rotate in my brain, hes SUCH A MESS IN SO MANY WAYS and he even says this outright in his personal story 3 as a general statement

and after i read his personal story 4 and then his anniv card, his mess was at the forefront of my brain because it ultimately made his anniv card So Satisfying in terms of scratching certain story itches ive got, in terms of addressing his emotional messiness thru the crux of his romantic relationship with mc

and i'll get to that in different portions of this post. but first, i wanna lay down one by one what causes his mess; dichotomies in how he thinks and how mc acts as the other side as the narrative foil, and how all this adds up to a love story i really, really love

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inevitability vs. hope

i’ll start with the most obvious one. ever since luke’s personal story 1 allllll the way up to this anniv card, the inevitability of his illness and his limited lifespan prognosis looms over and informs the decisions he makes. which, yknow, makes sense. thats a Heavy Thing to have to deal with, and luke for a large amount of his story doesnt want this to be anybody else’s problem but his exactly Because it’s heavy. it’s sad and upsetting and causes worry, and ever since luke was a kid, he was already beginning to harbor a guilt for hurting other people or bringing bad upon their lives (mentioned and shown in SSR Shape Of You)

even after personal story 4—after he’s made the decision to tell mc the whole truth—he is still convinced of this inevitability. hes so convinced that he sent the letter and skedaddled elsewhere to give mc time and space to think it all through without being clouded by the heat of the moment.

hes so convinced that once mc confesses back to him, he argues with her (sidenote: my GOD getchu a love interest who, in the Confession Card, is literally trying so hard to get the main character to pick ANYBODY BUT HIM because he thinks it’d hurt less. my heart aches SO MUCH). he throws the inevitability of his death in her face, as if to scare her away.  

while the whole inevitability thing is so obvious in luke like, Everywhere in his thoughts and stories, i also realized it’s subliminally communicated through even the settings and symbols that are linked to him.

luke runs an antique shop, he’s into photography and takes pictures as memories, he’s got his treasure box filled with things from the past, he’s Always bringing up fond anecdotes of his and mc’s childhood: all of these are things have the concept of the passage of time intrinsic to them, and time passing to luke is something that brings his inevitability closer and closer. so all these symbols implying time are also focused on the past specifically, when things were happier because he’s sure his future can only cause pain. 

and mc, of course, is the foil to inevitability. first, she focuses on a portion of time that isnt past or future: the present.

in luke’s personal story 4 when aaron not so subtly grills her about “dangerous professions” of somebody she loves, she says this:

and then when you pick the second choice here in the anniv card (which i did), she says the following lines

while there’s still time, she says.

this sentiment from mc doesnt just crop up here. cherishing the present is something she brings up many times across several stories (off the top of my head: SR Radiant Sunlight and luke’s personal story 2 during that whole story with Zero) and it’s clear that to her, yes, the past and the future are important, the former being a time none of them can return to and the latter being filled with uncertainty, but now matters so much as well. maybe it matters even more, taking into account how uncertain tomorrow will be.

the second thing mc brings to face luke’s inevitability shtick is related to uncertainty: hope.

luke’s prognosis is dire, but as long as he’s alive now in the present, theres still a chance. theres still hope. going back to that scene in luke’s personal story 4 where aaron is grilling mc, she says:

and then immediately after this she cites wedding vows which luke secretly overhears outside still holding the fucking kettle, oh my GOD, i CANNOT TAKE THESE TWO…

back on topic tho, this bit shows that mc’s view of the uncertainty of a future with a lover in constant danger (and “constant danger” in this specific scene is in regards to luke’s job, yeah, but also has pretty obvious parallels to his illness as well: pain can and will happen) skews towards something more balanced than luke’s concept of inevitability. her view is more of like…we can’t ever be sure. and that doesn’t just make space for pain, but it makes space for hope too. 

and this view isnt only for his illness to be treated, but for his and mc’s relationship as well. 

which brings me to this line, the line that Broke Me and also made me think “OKAY EVERYBODY, PACK IT UP, GO HOME, THE WINNER OF BEST CONFESSION IS NONE OF THE BOYS, IT’S ACTUALLY MC!!!” this is what she says:

i know, it seems simple at first but listen. Listen. this is….so good and so perfect for them. this line has two key parts, the verb and the subjects, and i first wanna talk about the verb: believe. 

belief is not rooted on things that are sure. believing in something, anything, is acknowledging there are things that cant be controlled or fully known but taking that chance anyway. belief is faith, belief is hope, and these things as a cornerstone for love is so important to luke/mc cuz it shows how much they matter to each other and that uncertainties arent a dealbreaker but a call to hope and believe and love. mc believes and pleads luke to believe too, believe in her and in them together

which now brings me to the next dichotomy

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luke vs. mc

luke, when bringing up his fear of inevitable grief hurting mc, words his feelings in a very particular way. in the anniv card, he says

worded another way, this could go “i could follow my heart, but at the cost of her happiness.”

this is what he thinks the price of his happiness is: mc’s own. and it’s indicative of something i noticed about luke wayyy back in lost gold, that he has the habit of pitting him and mc against each other, particularly his desires against mc’s emotions. 

if he is to indulge in what will give him joy, he will rob mc of hers. if he is to value his life, he will ruin mc’s life (actually to bring up SSR Shape Of You again (SORRY IT RLLY IS JUST SUCH A FAVE CARD OF MINE) this is taken further to the (past childhood) implication of like…if he even just exists, he will ruin mc’s life). if he “wins”, she “loses”

this kind of thinking is cuz he is still, up till now—even after he had said in personal story 4 that he said that the secrets he’s got concerns them both—not seeing himself and mc as a team. he’s seeing himself and mc as two people on different sides and only one of them can get out of this with their heart intact.

and of course, as is usual with luke pearce, he’d always rather the winner to be her. 

so now i wanna go back to mc’s line which Broke Me™. “You have to believe in me…In us.” awhile ago i was talking about the verb but now i shift to the subject. 

mc wants luke to believe in her, which is already in itself something that would hit luke emotionally. afterall, every single argument hes saying is supposedly for her own good, yet he also told her that he’d respect whatever her decision was. if he really, truly does love her, she should listen to her, trust her, and believe in her. going further, she wants him to believe in her and him together. 

because thats what a relationship is supposed to be, even a platonic one and doubly so for a romantic one. the people are still individuals, yes, but theyre not on different teams, theyre not supposed to be with one more important than the other, theyre supposed to be side by side as equals, together. 

in the verb and subjects of “You have to believe in me…In us.”, mc asks luke to rethink inevitability and indulge in faith, she asks him get rid of the divide he’s put between them that says both of them being happy is impossible. 

and in response to this, luke says “...I do.”

cue kiss scene of the anniv card. of course, the crowd cheers, crowd goes wild (the crowd is me) as they kiss. it is so SO satisfying because these two things that luke has struggled with are met with an equal and kinder force coming from mc. the buildup is sublime and crests towards this moment and it is so sweet and tender and amazing.

and then luke’s self-deprecation busts through the wall again. which brings me to the last dichotomy 

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“how can i ask anyone to love me” vs. “when all i do is beg to be left alone”

the prior dichotomies all had luke as one side and mc as the other, but this last one is different. these are both two sides within only luke and i wanna talk about it not through narrative foils but through the lens of how characters change. 

but first lemme explain: the above bits in the quotation marks are lyrics from the song Left Alone by Fiona Apple and theyre really neat lyrics that succinctly articulate a super common contradictory experience, one luke lays out in full with his depressing explanation for his depressing song choice for the music box

after he says all this, mc reassures luke that she loves him and understands that his contradictory actions we are stemming not from cowardice but from the fact he loves and cares about her (and that it all just got mucked up with mixed signals and actions like this because of //gestures at aforementioned two dichotomies). and mc is right wonderful, i love that, shes wonderful!! 

but what im drawn to here though is less of the resolution of this issue but the fact that this speech from luke made me realize one thing ive adored about his character ever since the beginning: because of his love manifesting into contradictory desires, he not only goes through character development, but moments of character regression as well. he not only changes for the better, but he has moments where he backslides and relapses into old bad habits. 

“why, zak, why do you love this in a character??? are you a SADIST???” yeah, i am. but i do also have valid reasons JHVJKSHDVFS.

on a personal level, i find it’s more realistic and genuine as to how stuff happens with real people. i cant speak for everyone, but as somebody with [redacted mental bad times], seeing a character have moments of going back to bad habits feels great to me cuz in real life, the road of recovery or being a better person isnt always linear. sometimes it’s like this, it’s 1 step forward, 1 step back. 

on a story level though, character development and character regression both happening does two things:

1) it highlights just how strong the motives and rationale of the old ways are, which increases the depth of the character and their traits

like, luke has several regression moments in the anniv card alone. first one is one he mentions, he said he’d accept whatever mc’s decision was but his first instinct that he Did act on was to argue with her because it is so ingrained in him to think of her choosing him as the Wrong choice to make, the choice that will lead her to sadness, and he loves her so much that he doesnt want her to go through that. 

another smaller backslide moment is that he Runs Away in this card. remember luke’s xmas partyland card, SR A Star in the Palm? the card luke word for word tells mc “I promise that from now and forever, I’ll never try to run from you ever again.”? well, while luke explains in his anniv card his rationale for lying to mc that he’s out of town the moment he sends the letter, that rationale doesnt trump the fact that he still ran away and gave her no information on how to find him (thank u aaron for immediately fessing luke’s location, god bless)

also, he lied to her. ding ding ding, pretty sure he said he’d stop doing that!!! but him running and lying once again highlights how much he once thought his absence in mc’s life would be better for her, he has to be Not There when she reads the letter so his presence doesnt lead her into a choice thatd result in her sadness.

the second thing character development and character regression both happening does is

2) ensures change

brief segue, but for the longest time, i had always known that i personally get bored with perfect characters. characters who always succeed, who never doubt, and whose flaws (if theyve got any) are largely minimal and do not affect the story. and only when i started writing this analysis did i realize why i get bored with perfect characters: there’s nowhere else to go for them.

if theyre perfect, they wont backslide. and if theyre perfect, they cant get any better because theyve already Gotten There. theyre stagnant, and what i personally love to see in stories, among many other things, is a character changing. 

luke is so flawed and imperfect and this delights me to no end. his faults ensure theres room for him to improve, and he does. he makes promises, he changes for the better. and once hes done that, theres space for him to regress and fuck up all over again, which emphasizes his traits, beliefs, and what matters to him. 

and once hes a step back, theres space for him to take a step forward again because if theres one thing so sublimely clear about luke, it’s that he tries. he keeps on fighting even if it looks like an impossible fight, and in this card, he does this because he loves mc, because he believes in her, because he believes in them together. 

-

so. luke is a mess for so many reasons, and to me, that makes him one hell of an interesting character with some fantastic stories. it makes his and mc’s love story one that focuses on hope, togetherness, and change.

and these kinds of stories, messy ones that have room for characters to fail and also have room for characters to get better, are ones that i really love a whole bunch.

[ranhaitanisgf]

rindou haitani when you get injured: headcanons

[𖤐] haha...hey...how yall doin...this is me making my first really angsty?? type post, i dont even know how i wrote this because in you saw this then you know i was lowk struggling LMAO but not to worry because i did it...also this is in inspiration from this since some of this was supposed to be there, but then it was going off from the request so i decided to make it a separate thing, so i hope you guys like it....

❧ masterlist

--

✂︎ it was no secret to anybody even remotely involved in the delinquent world that the haitani brothers of roppongi are extraordinary fighters; it was a known fact, and nobody would ever dare to mess with them, and especially not anybody close with them.

✂︎ along with them also includes you, the friend who was always around them no matter what they were doing. the friend who wasn’t really a friend to rindou haitani, but nonetheless was the one who was there for him when he needed it. it’s always been a tough challenge to try and read him, so the relationship between the two of you seemed to stay in the “not quite a friend but not quite a lover”. you’re never really sure what he’s thinking and what the meaning behind his actions is, so you’ve just convinced yourself that he sees you as a friend only, nothing more, (it’s painful, but what more can you do?).

✂︎ while you’ve been pretending like everything is alright, rindou has been trying his best, really. he’s been trying to push down his feelings for you, and he’s been trying to distance himself from you, but he just can’t. no matter how hard he tries to forget about you, he simply can’t find it in himself to refuse you whenever you ask if you can come over or if he can meet you somewhere.

✂︎ honestly, it never really occurred to him that you would ever be targeted because of him and his status, which is why he never really made an effort to try and hide the fact that you were close with him, because who would even dare to try and mess with you while the haitani brothers were by your side?

✂︎ this is why when he saw ran walking into the apartment with a solemn face, he was a bit confused on what exactly had happened to make him act that way? had his new arm candy suddenly up and disappeared on him?

“rindou, some guys ambushed (y/n) to try and get our location.”

“...what.”

“they’re in the hospital...in a coma, maybe you should-”

✂︎ rindou is already gone from the apartment, leaving ran sighing in the living room as he gets on his bike and immediately starts speeding towards the hospital. he doesn’t want to believe it; he doesn’t want to believe that something so horrible could happen to you because of him.

✂︎ the words that ran spoke just kept replaying in his mind over and over again on his way to the hospital, and he started cursing at himself for how stupid he was. how could he have thought that there wouldn’t be a target on your back? why didn’t he stay with you more? why didn’t he walk you home more? he was so...so naïve!

✂︎ beat downs and the smell of blood have never been a stranger to him, but now that he’s seeing you all beat up and bruised in the hospital room, he wishes it was. he wishes that he wasn’t smelling this putrid smell of rubbing alcohol, he wishes that he had never even met you, and he wishes that this wasn’t you; the (y/n) who always seemed to be by his side, the (y/n) who was always there to pull him out when he was doing too deep, why were you in a hospital bed?

✂︎ for a couple of moments he’s just standing at the door, staring at you with shock in his eyes. he doesn’t even know what to feel right now. hell, he isn’t even feeling anything. it’s all just numb because he knows this is his fault. you got hurt because of him, and he was never going to forgive himself for it.

✂︎ as he slowly approaches you, he could feel the lump forming in his throat as he was able to get a better look at the giant bruises scattered around your body. how anybody could ever do this to someone as kind as you, he’ll never know. he doesn’t even want to think about the sick bastards who did this because he knows that if he does, he’ll go out and kill them.

✂︎ he just sat down in the chair next to your bed, a hand reaching out to grab yours. he paused for a moment, feeling like even a simple touch might shatter you because of how...fragile you looked. it hurt his heart to even look at you, but at the same time he couldn’t tear his eyes away, knowing that this happened because of him.

✂︎ eventually, his hand very carefully held yours, and he hesitantly pressed his lips to your knuckles, but the moment he felt the warmth of your skin on his lips, he couldn’t do it anymore. before he even knew it, his vision was going blurry and there were hot tears slipping down his face, (god forbid any nurses walked in because the lowest of his low points).

“sorry (y/n)...i’m so sorry. i’m-i’m sorry…please come back, i love you.”

✂︎ he wanted his sudden confession to make some sort of impact on your sleeping state, but when he looked up at you, all he saw was the slow rising of your chest as you inhaled and exhaled a soft breath.

“i’m sorry...i’m sorry...i’m sorry…”

--

why did i write this again smh

[wri0thesley]

Nat😫😫😫 I'm just reading your naoya posts and I cant😫😫😫 why do I love this arrogant man😫 is it possible to write something of a connected fic to your arrangement story about how he feels jealous over a similarly docile reader (doesnt have to be connected if you dont want tho!!). like he hears about how the reader has been getting marriage proposals from other men since naoya hasnt given an affirmative to your family,,,, and now the reader is forced to consider other candidates (although she still cant atop thinking about our favourite princely asshole) and naoya cant handle this thought lol he deserves to know what angst and the pain of yearning tastes like😌 I hope this wasn't too confusing aaaa😭😭 I love your writing, and im glad youre in this jjk brain rot too🤧

patience - naoya x fem!reader (1.5k)

arrangement // patience // my jjk masterlist

warnings: naoya remains an asshole. submissive reader, arranged marriages, mentions of murder, talk of adultery. pining/angst. not sfw, minors dni!

naoya hates that he can’t stop thinking about you.

Naoya hates that he can’t stop thinking about you.

Oh, he’d meant it when he’d spat ‘pathetic’ and ‘useless’ and ‘worthless’ at you – your bloodline was unimpressive, your lack of cursed technique tragic, your clan elders absolutely idiotic for sending a nobody like you to tempt him. But . . . something about the look in your eyes, the meek little bow of your head, the way you’d listened to every one of his orders with a soft little gasp and a desire to follow them to the latter . . .

He hasn’t told your family that he’s not interested in you, but word gets around the jujutsu community when someone is looking for a spouse. After all, they’re determined to retain blood purity, to keep techniques in the bloodline – your family soon hear that Naoya is still considering all of his options. That other pretty young daughters from other bloodlines have been to see him.

(Naoya rejects them all, for frivolous reasons that he doesn’t want to admit are frivolous. He hadn’t liked the look in that one’s eyes. He didn’t want his children to inherit the colour of that one’s hair. That one had walked two steps behind him, not three--).

You haunt his thoughts. You and the bow of your head, the bite of your lip, the way you’d looked with tears brimming in your eyes. The suggestive curve of you beneath your kimono.

Ugh.

He hears, too, that your family have been exploring their other options. They’d seemed thrilled, at first, that Naoya hadn’t utterly swept you off the table – but six months have passed, and they want their daughter married and out of the house and fulfilling her duties.

He hears about your marriage proposals through that same grapevine. He hears that other men say you are pretty and quiet and obedient, that you will make a fine wife, that you will listen to commands and give soft smiles and raise children like you ought to--

And once, he smashes a glass from gripping it too hard as some nobody in the Kamo clan mentions that he’s going to ask your family for your hand in marriage.

You say no. He hears, too, that your elders are growing frustrated with your dismissals of proposals. They have left behind the thought of marrying you into the Zenin clan, but clearly you’re still clinging to the idea that Naoya might want you despite what he’d said.

He doesn’t, he tells himself, when he wraps his fist around his cock and pumps it and thinks about your look of surprise as his come splatters across your face.

He doesn’t, he tells himself, when he compares a young lady sent to entice him with you. When she looks him in the eye and he thinks that you would never do that, that you would keep your head bowed, that you’d be deferential as he needs you to be.

He doesn’t, he tells himself, as a servant cleans up the shards of glass that he shatters and he asks the Kamo clan member if perhaps he would like to spar, and he hits him just a little bit too hard so he ends up wheezing and doubled over on the training mats as Naoya stalks out of the room.

It’s not his style to pine. He has the pick of every eligible young lady in jujutsu society; he should not be hung up on such a worthless, pathetic little thing.

He hears of another proposal. This one, apparently, hasn’t been rejected straight-out – this one, you seem to be considering. Other members of the Zenin clan don’t understand why his jaw sets at the news.

“You didn’t want her, did you?” He asks. “You didn’t seem keen after the meeting.”

One of his other distant cousins, an upstart too big for his boots, grins.

“That was before she was hot property, though,” he leers at Naoya. “Our golden boy doesn’t like the idea of people coveting his trash--”

Naoya has struck him before he can think and stalked out of that room, too. Something about you has truly opened the can of worms that is Naoya’s violence, and he refuses to admit to himself that it’s because he wants you.

It’s not because you’re hot property – though, certainly, the way other men talk and laugh about you and the knowledge that you’re wanted serves to set a fire within him. It’s because he can’t stop thinking about you.

He tries courtesans. He chooses pretty, well-mannered ones who look a little like you – but their eyes when they look at him are glassy. They’re not the same as yours, brimming with life and want and confusion at the position you’ve found yourself in and the way your body responds to Naoya.

He doesn’t admit to his mistakes. He doesn’t think ‘I should have accepted the proposal, I should have joined the clans’ – instead, he thinks ‘I should have fucked them then and there. I should have made them scream my name until their reputation was ruined and everybody knew they came apart on my cock. It’s their fault that I can’t get them out of my brain.’

He walks with fists and teeth clenched and snaps at every servant who dare looks his way. Naoya has always been unpleasant, but he’s downright impossible with his spine in knots and his eyes narrowed.

He’s going to have to do it. He’s going to have to contact your family, ask for another audience, if only to get your fucking face out of his mind--

He’s not expecting to come across you before he’s even made the call, standing in one of the gardens of the Zenin estate. You’re wearing the same kimono you had first visited him in, and he hates that the sight of it makes a throb low in his belly as he remembers seeing it crumpled on his bedroom floor. He swallows as he stalks towards you and you turn, your pretty eyes widening – he sees the flash of memory, the flash of desire. He wonders if anybody would dare speak to him if he took you right here, in the garden--

An older man opens a door behind you.

Naoya recognises him only vaguely. The Zenin estate is swarming with various, less important Zenins; this one’s a great-uncle, perhaps? Or a cousin thrice removed? He’s someone unimportant in the grand scheme of things, save for the way that he walks up to you and wraps an arm around your waist.

“Ah,” the man with his hands on Naoya’s property says. “I see you’ve met my betrothed.”

His heart stops cold. He’s nobody. Unimportant. Nothing.

He’d called you the same thing; an ‘act of charity’. So why does the sight of an arm around you attached to a man too old and not powerful enough to be a threat make Naoya feel like he’s chewing rocks? Naoya manages to spit out a;

“Congratulations.”

“Yes,” the old man (great cousin? Naoya doesn’t make a habit to remember people he can’t use later on) says, pulling you closer, groping at your hip through the kimono as you keep a sedate, smile on your face without looking directly into Naoya’s eyes. “You’ll be seeing her around a lot. I hope she didn’t bother you.” A squeeze to your ass, this time, shameless. “Say hello to the future leader of the clan, sweetheart.”

(At least this man’s on Naoya’s side, he tries to console himself, but it doesn’t work.)

“H-hello, sir,” you say, and your voice is as tremulous as he remembers it. His cock stirs. He hates this.

“Sorry to bother you,” he inclines his head politely and tugs on your arm, pulling you away, leaving Naoya kissing his teeth and trying to not simply slit the man’s throat with the knife in his hakama and take you for his own.

What had the scum said? ‘You’ll be seeing her around a lot’. He supposes, then, that you’ll be sequestered in one of the other chambers in the Zenin estate--

A slow smile spreads across his face.

You wouldn’t say ‘no’ to your clan leader, would you? And . . . your future husband is old. Any Zenin is a Zenin, is it not? Even if a son is born with Naoya’s features, Naoya’s technique . . . nobody would say anything to him about it. And you’re in reach. Close to him.

He only needs to get you alone before the wedding to make sure he gets to take your maidenhead. He hates the thought of another man’s filthy hands on you, but accidents happen all of the time--

And then you’ll be a widow. You won’t be expected to marry for a while. And if you’ve already borne fruit and proved yourself – perhaps Naoya will even play the chivalrous leader and lower himself to take you for his own.

Yes. Just a little patience.

This is an arrangement he can get behind.

[fictionalreads]

Fire Country Season 1 Episode 3

Bode

Awe. This is a repeat occurrence.

He looks so happy to see his mom

It’s okay if you aren’t welcome at Vince’s table. I’m sure you’ll be welcome at Manny’s table.

Better person than I am. After what he said to and about you, let him run into Mohave. He always think he’s right anyway.

Ew why is he there? He has a new dad now.

Manny

So he’s Bode’s dad now. I don’t make the rules 🤷🏽‍♀️

LMAO I guess Bode is persuasive.

I love the rapport he has with the crew.

Gabby

Girl break up with him. I don’t like him.

It seems to me like he keeps saying I love you to convince himself. Like if he keeps saying it maybe it’ll be true.

Oh good she stayed and figured it out.

Sharon

He don’t like his son, of course he ain’t going.

He can’t tell him something he don’t actually believe.

Seriously why does Vince hate him so much?

Who she tells about her disease is her business. You don’t control that.

Sharon you can’t apologize or make excuses for Vince.

Vince

Yeah you don’t know the whole story. So shut up.

Why do you always think the worst of Bode?

You will eat your words one day. I can not wait to watch it happen.

Why the hell would anybody be jealous of Jake.

What the hell do you think mayday means?

Oh don’t act like you care now.

Ew don’t say hashtag. It’s weird af.

Well who’s fault is it that he’s not your right hand?

I feel like it wasn’t the job Bode wanted nothing to do with, cause he seems to enjoy the work. It was you he didn’t want to be around day in and day out.

If he’s your son act like it.

Jake

Woooow you just gonna let him bash on Bode and not tell the truth? You’re the worst.

IF YOU DONT SHUT THE HELL UP

He’s trying to help you, why are you bashing him?

You really are the fucking worst. You’re in a hostage situation but you keep trying to take shots at Bode. NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR THAT IDIOT

Miscellaneous

I really don’t need the scenes between Vince and Jake. I don’t like either of them.

Mohave you are an idiot. Hostages make it worse.

I have a feeling we’re getting flashbacks next week. I’m kind of here for it.

[commanderserwin]

Bee...if u ever write an erwin smut...and if ur comfortable....pls...I beg I grovel I worship at ur feet

I’ve had this in my mind for approximately a million years and cannot...stop thinking about it I’m running out of rentable space in mah brain...

But erwin...with messed up hair... “Mr. always in control bigshot Commander” who always keeps his cool...losing self-control and just snapping...and then reader is like oh into it pls more???

I’m foaming at the mouth I can’t get this out of my stupid brain I’m so sorry PLEASE DONT FEEL PRESSURED TO DO THIS I JUST-

✧ tags. UHM,,,, public escapade & fwb??? — SMUT ?

✧ notes. suz,,, this is all your fault

✧ more. I AM NOW WALKING AWAY DON’T MIND ME AND MY CRINGY SMUT

— rumors with erwin smith.

being both in higher positions and closer to each other, it seemed about right for erwin to invite you to come with him within wall sina for a visit of some sort to some wealthy businessman that you have no idea who. everything was pretty vague, considering erwin woke you up from your slumber with a loud knock at your door— without even acknowledging your delayed grunt of a response as who might it been.

but you let it pass because for some reason, you knew it was him— and it was okay for him to barge in like that.

like mentioned, close.

wall sina was decorated with beautiful and elegant people, houses big with great architecture as the walls on wealthy houses were tall— secluded from each other. you admired the architecture while erwin talked to the businessman a few feet apart, occasionally looking back at your wandering eyes. as he finished your talk from the corner of your eyes, you stared back at him, basking in the way sun danced around him.

an angel reincarnate— but his eyes devious as you slightly squinted, lips pursed because you know that look.

it came out of nowhere—even erwin thought so too. perhaps it was the way your eyes devoured him, or the parting sigh that escaped from your soft lips that awaken something in erwin.

erwin looked back once more to the businessman, raising a hand— until he pulled you close to him, shoulder to shoulder as you two walked around aimlessly.

you counted. it took fifty steps for him to grab your wrist, pull you back to him, dragging you out of the public eye as he eyed the narrow alley— tall walls from parallel houses. still— it was out in the public, anybody could walk in the alleyway.

he flushed you against the rough wall, placing a hand on your jaw as he tilted your chin up, making you question as to what he was doing. hearts thumping as blood rushed on your cheeks, feeling the sensation of his calloused fingers dig in to your skin from just one touch.

and every time he touches you— you turn into a mess, finding a haze in your mind as you searched more and wanted more of him.

“now?”

your voice danced teasingly and soft on erwin’s mind— your eyes challenging him if this was really about to happen. the stare between you lasted for 10 seconds, until erwin watched you drag your tongue across your lower lip— your eyes flicking downwards, and it was all he ever needed.

“now.”

erwin untangled your thin green jacket, his big hands coming over to take control over your gentle ones as he unbuckled his belt— leaving it open as he widened your legs apart with a nudge. his fingers made work over your own belt and trouser, pulling them just a little to get a view and of your underwear— as he moved in closer, shielding your body on one side.

he held the eye contact, as his fingers rubbed just over your clothed cunt— clicking his tongue as he moved his fingers just above. immediately, his lips found yours— kissing you forcefully at first, his lips moving faster than yours. and once you placed your hands around his cheek and one on his nape, you took control, pulling the kiss gentler but still in a hurry.

his fingers didn’t stop running up and down until you felt the air hit— making you moan on to his lips just as when he pushed inside you. erwin chuckled in the kiss— feeling the way your walls flutter within the sensation of his two fingers, softly and hard as he continued all the while capturing your breathy pleas and moans.

erwin listened to two things: your lewd sighs on his ear, and the one around the surroundings, specifically the heels on the cobblestones as faint laughter of the people walking by, aware of the couple in the alleyway, yet oblivious to the act.

or not.

“do you promise to be real quiet?” erwin asked, kissing your jaw at each word, as he pulled away— his eyes stern and dark, “they might hear you and know that i’m fucking you with my fingers.”

your body jolted, holding on to his arm as his thumb rested circles on your clit, making you inhale deeply— biting down your lip, as your nails dig on his skin. he played with your clit so well, moved his fingers inside you so well— filling you up as the coils in your stomach tightened as well as the drawled out sounds that you tried to repressed echoed in the air.

erwin chuckled at the mess that you were making, your thighs tensing up as he nudged them away with his knee, a playful smirk on his lips as your walls fluttered on him again and again as his fingers worked harder and faster— ignoring your hold on his wrist as your eyes clenched shut, your lips repeating his name over and over again.

“... win, erwin,” you breathed, holding his wrist as his thumb left your clit for a second before diving back in— feeling your close, “i’m going to— oh,”

“not until i say so,” erwin whispered, holding your jaw again as he rested it upright, “open your eyes for me, i want to see you.”

it was a struggle— his eyes blinding you as well as the ministrations as his knuckles hit your core with a sinister glint on his face, watching your teary eyes beg and close. he didn’t mind that your nails were digging deeper into his skin, probably marking him.

“please,” and then he nodded.

your hold on him trembled as did your shoulders, your breathing hard and heavy as you whined loudly enough for some eyes to go your way but they didn’t pay attention more than a second longer.

erwin chuckled, rocking his fingers inside you, riding out your high as he continued to pump against your limp protests.

his fingers continued to move, snapping you back into reality and away— as you pulled him down, clashing your lips with his to shut yourself up as your second release were close to peak until his finger rubbed on your clit to no ends, tears forming at the corner of your eyes, but erwin paid no attention as your walls fluttered at the added sensation, smiling against your lips as his name became a prayer on your mouth once more.

“please,” you begged, placing soft kisses on his lips and on his chin, “erwin, no more...”

“you can’t do one more?” erwin kissed you back, eyes softening at your begging. he found your lips again, shutting down your whines, “baby, be quiet for me.”

“hmm,” you nodded, gripping him tight.

you felt your high come closer once more, chest panting as he moved deeper, his fingers tantalizing your release with every hard thrust to your core.

you dragged your hand down his chest, to his cock— palming his hard length, enough for erwin to grunt loudly and in return, attacked your neck with sloppy kisses as the tips of your fingers dragged the waistband of his briefs.

“does that feel good for you?” you breathed, kissing his jaw— but his response was neither a verbal one, instead, a faster pace of his fingers, making you grip his wrist tighter.

erwin hissed against your neck, when he felt your fingers play just at his reddening head, wiping away the pre-cum that elicited just from your touch. he flushed his hips against your hand, making you gasp and smile— working your hand on his cock, building enough pressure and friction against his length as he grunted loudly.

the pad of fingers moved agonizingly slow on his length, making him shiver under your touch— and gone in a while as you wrapped your fingers around his cock, teasing him.

“hey! what are you two doing there?” a man asked loudly, making erwin peek from your side, pressing his body to yours, “there’s children around—!”

“wait,” a woman shrieked, moving closer as erwin looked at your fucked-out state, “is that commander—?”

erwin looked at you, zipping your trousers up as he placed your jacket flimsily around your shoulders, making use of your wide shoulders to give you space to fix yourself up.

anger filled you up for a few seconds, annoyance dancing on your eyes and face as it felt so close. it was ready— all it needed were few more uninterrupted seconds and it all came down in an instant with a scowl on your face.

but suddenly, you bubbled out soft chuckles, making erwin look at you, his brows furrowed in confusion but he laughed with you nonetheless. his cheeks were flushed with hot blush, fingers slick and messy as he wiped it on the inside of his jacket before making sure you were all covered.

“can you walk?” erwin asked, pulling you to him, wrapping an arm around your waist. “i’ll clean you up later.”

“hold me up,” you chuckled, wrapping an arm behind him as he held your waist— flushing you against his side.

erwin sheepishly looked back once more, making you hold on to his nape, in a way for him to not actually look back. but alas, it didn’t work.

“that is commander smith,” a man confirmed, his voice ringing loud, as he gasped, “i didn’t know he has a partner!”

both of you chuckled to yourselves, erwin holding you up as he matched his strides with your slower ones. you pushed yourself up, ignoring the mess in your trousers as erwin covered it up.

but not really partners.

like mentioned, real close.