#and I don't work until 2:40 on monday I can always finish up then :^)

[that-struggling-writer-lh]

Look How Pretty You Are.

No outbreak! No use of y/n!

WARNINGS: DBF! 18+ Minors DNI. This is smut! BIG age gap. (Reader is 22, Joel in his 40s) Unprotected p in v (don't be dumb). Praise, quite a quicky. Would love to write a part 2 to this, tbh.

WORD COUNT: 5.2k

Coming home from college in the summer meant two things. I was left to my own devices Monday through Friday, and weekends were crazy. Loud, party filled affairs my parents put on with the entire neighborhood being welcome. This summer was different, though.

Freshly graduated means that this summer was my last one before becoming a “real adult” as my parents put it, even if with the fancy business degree I’d likely just end up in the office dad’s contracting business. A silent, small building that was really just a way for calls to be directed to him from the desk, filtering the bullshit and getting to the point. The click clack of fingers on the keyboard as I did payroll, budgeting, projections, ad flyers. The works. Most of the work was boring, lonely. Silent. 

“Hey, can you run to the store for some beer? Mixers? Snacks?” Dad’s tall figure peeked into the office, clothes covered in sawdust, face covered in sweat. “Friday night and all now that you’re old enough to make those kinds of runs. It’s quiet today. Let yourself off early.” 

I mulled it over momentarily, not really wanting to go shopping for my parents’ party. But knowing it might get me into the party this year, when all previous I’d been asked to stay inside, book in hand, or movie playing loudly to try to drown out the noise of splashing in the pool, hollering and dancing to upbeat music on the porch, “Sure, I can do that. If I can actually attend this year.” 

My father ran a hand through his thinning hair, “Alright, sure.” he shook his head in a “no” motion, but the verbal okay was all I needed.

A smile tugging my lips, “Give me your card?” I motioned for the wallet tucked into his opposite hand, grabbing my car keys and nodding.

“I’ll also keep you on the clock until five if you do a favor for-”

“What? What favor?” slight annoyance tugging at my stomach, but knowing that extra money coupled with the prospect of a night drinking with the neighborhood was too good to pass up.

“Joel sent his grocery list. With Sarah away now, he’s having a hard time remembering these things. He asked if maybe you’d be willing to lend him a hand there, and I said sure.”

“As long as he fixes that shelf in my closet like he promised five years ago.” I tore the slip of coffee stained notebook paper from my father’s hand and eyed it carefully after remembering the shelf that had broken above my head in my bedroom closet while moving out for my first year of college. Dad promised it would be fixed before I was home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, five years later it was still impossible to put any items above my head to sit on the wood.

“Consider it done, I’ll have Joel get on it next week.”

Steak, chicken, snack food, rice, potatoes. “Can I add things? Is this really all he eats?” I raised a quizzical eyebrow, “how is he still alive?”

My father laughed softly, “Sarah used to do all that, just take his card and grab what you think he’ll like, I guess.” 

Joel. The much older, very handsome man who had been the object of my desire since I was old enough to understand the term dilf, Joel. Always present, always prepared, my father’s best friend since High School. So extremely off-limits, even now that you’re an adult. It would only bring trouble.

My father handed the two credit cards to me. I guess today’s task was to be a personal shopper.

Joel, who I’ve had a key to his house since I was hardly ten years old, Sarah and I frequently needed it after school to group together to finish homework, raid the cabinets, and make messes through the home until her father would come back and scold us for being teenagers. 

Joel, who was my first fantasy. Authoritative, but kind. Hard, but soft. Ruthless, but understanding of my and his daughter’s antics up until his tear streaked face sent both of us away to the same college, except I returned home and she found a job in the city.

Joel, even thinking of him at the red light while waiting to turn into the grocery store had me clenching my thighs together in my sundress, need filling me even when knowing I’d never get to taste.

The list focus. I got all of his essentials and then some, wanting him to be satiated for longer than the weekend, giving him options for the start of the week before he’d inevitably go back to fast-food runs between job sites.

After Joel’s list was taken care of, I shopped for the party, dividing the orders up before checking out and returning to town, stopping first at Joel’s house since his order had more need to go to the fridge than the alcohol and snacks my father had asked for.

Halfway through putting his order away and tidying a few other areas to be helpful, the front door opened, the sound of boots kicking off, Joel’s muttered voice so quiet I couldn’t hear it. I suppose he was used to talking to himself now, though.

“I thought I saw your car here.” his friendly tone rang from the kitchen entrance.

“Yeah, Dad gave me your list. So I figured I’d get it all set for you. I didn’t know when you’d be finished over at that apartment complex, so I- well. You know.”

“You tidied up?” he asked, looking at the organized dining table, and the lack of dishes in the sink.

“There were only a few things, I thought-”

“Thank you. I’ve been a mess with my little girl gone.” he smiled.

“She misses you. We called each other last week. Talked about the hell we raised here, how we were sure you hated us.” I laughed softly, closing the fridge and putting a box in the familiar cabinets, knowing this house as well as I knew my own.

“Nah, I could never hate you girls. Kids being kids, is all. I was young once, too.” he had a soft look of remembrance, looking at me like he was a million years away, “But you’re all grown up now. Well adjusted, smart, beautiful girl.” he sighed, rinsing out his coffee thermos in the sink quickly.

I had never heard him call me beautiful before, and my heart lurched at the compliment. Though, I’m sure he meant it in a far different way than I’d construed. Like a second daughter, like a neighbor across the street. Like someone he helped raise. Not like beautiful beautiful, “Thank you, Mr. Miller.” I smiled softly at his sentiment, anyway. Wiping down the counters when I’d finished, “I took the liberty of getting you some extras. Steak and potato diet only gets you so far.”

“Oh, thank you.” he sounded genuinely grateful, “I never know what to do, or what to eat, really. Sarah usually would-”

“I know, she’s a great cook.” I giggled, showing him the receipt that I’d crumpled in the pocket of my cardigan, placing it in his hand, “Here’s the damage.”

He looked everything over carefully, “That’s fine.” he nodded, “Thank you. But, don’t call me Mr. Miller. That’s weird.” he smirked, “Just Joel. Same as always for the last 22 years.”

“Sorry.” I laughed shyly.

“I’m gonna hit the shower before heading to your folks’ place.”

“Okay. I’ll see you later, Joel.” I smiled softly and he rested his hand on my lower back as he brushed by me to create space between himself, me, and the kitchen island. Such a simple gesture, but the placement was new. Usually he’d touch my shoulder or ask me to step aside for him.

I tidied the magazines and newspapers littering the coffee table, dusting the surface with a cloth before I left, I debated on vacuuming but left the rest as is, I’m not his housekeeper. I’m not replacing Sarah. He’s grown, he can take care of it, surely. Before I had time to slip back into my flats, the water was already off and the bathroom door was opening. I turned away as I folded the throw blankets and Joel’s surprise at seeing me still in his house was obviously justified, “Dammit, you scared me!” he clutched his abdomen and sighed in relief, “What are you still doing here?” not angry, quizzical.

“I noticed some magazines all out of place, so I thought I’d do that. But then I saw dust, and then the blankets- sorry, Joel. I didn’t think you’d be so fast.” I let out a breathy laugh and turned to face him for just a moment before covering my eyes up again. He was only wearing a towel, water droplets decorating his toned frame, dripping from his soft, curly hair that’s been made slightly gray over the years.

He sighed, not in frustration. Just a sigh, “You don’t need to take care of me like this. I’m fine, Sweetheart. Really.”

���I know. I just. This house is so special to me. I practically grew up here.” I looked to the location of the coffee table and could practically see Sarah and I grunting to move it aside and lay a million blankets and pillows out on the floor for our sleepovers. Popcorn kernels and candy all over the floor, empty box of pizza that Joel would have helped us scarf down before disappearing into the backyard or the master bedroom to leave us alone for the remainder of the evening. He never lingered too long, never tried to be the cool dad. Knew when it was time to leave his daughter and her friends alone.

His tone was even softer now, “It is a pretty special place, huh? Your Daddy helped me build it from the ground up. Pouring that concrete, framing up the walls. Drywall, mudding, installing. This house was the best job I’ve ever done for my family. Promised so much.” I knew he was reminiscing about his wife who had passed away more than a decade ago. The way he looked so far away even though he was right there. 

I dared to continue to keep my eyes on him despite his attire, “I miss her, too.” I said suddenly, his eyes flitted to mine and he smiled weakly.

“Why don’t you head on home, Dollface? I saw all the bags you still have to unpack over there in your car.” He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, adjusting his towel to ensure it was secure enough.

My mouth ran dry at the sight of him, I felt so guilty for it after such a tender moment, “Sure. Enjoy your groceries, Joel.” I smirked and slipped into my shoes, letting myself out and backing from his driveway into mine. Perks of being across the street.

My parents had yet to return, so I quickly unloaded and prepped the snacks into serving trays and bowls, put the booze on ice in coolers and began dragging everything to the backyard, filling the picnic table by the pool with things to eat, cooler resting on the ground beside everything else.

I made myself busy getting ready, slipping from my work clothes to a black bikini covered by shorts and a plain off-shoulder long sleeve shirt. The sun would set soon, dropping the scorching temperature. I added a soft lipstick and touched up my makeup, keeping my hair down. By the time I finished I could hear the familiar bustle of my folks in the kitchen, prepping for the grill and salads. 

I offered a hand in the kitchen, as typical and my mother handed me a large knife, “Quarter the cucumber and dice some tomato for the salad, please.” she instructed as my father poured seasonings into a dish of various cuts of chicken.

I set to work, “I dropped that stuff off for Joel, Dad.” I started, and he hummed in response as a thank you.

“Thanks, baby.” he said as he massaged the seasonings into the meat, “He just needs a little hand for now is all, I’m sure in a few weeks when the busy season is over he’ll be right. Maybe it can be a regular thing, if you wouldn’t mind.”

“No, I don’t mind. I miss being there all the time, anyway. Such sweet memories from growing up in that house.” I mused, the rhythmic chopping on the cutting board in front of me keeping me at a steady pace.

“How is Sarah, anyway? Talk to her lately?”

“Fine, she likes her new job, dating around a little. Nothing major aside from roommate drama. She doesn’t like apartment life.”

“Not like being roommates in the dorms with you, huh?”

I scoffed softly, “Evidently not.”

The small talk continued until we opened the front door for our neighbors and Joel was first over, as typical. He and my father sat poolside in lounge chairs, beer in hand laughing and talking like usual until others joined them.

I found myself watching him from the window above the sink as I scrubbed at the dishes left behind, watching his dimpled cheek when he smiled, the curve of his mouth around the glass bottle, how he would scratch at the stubble on his cheeks when thinking. I could see their bottles were nearly empty, so I finished scrubbing a pan and headed to the yard, opening a cooler and grabbing three bottles, two for the men, one for me. I cracked mine first and took a swig, then cracked the other two and brought them over, “Noticed you guys were looking a little low.” I eyed Joel instead of my father.

“Why, thank you, Dollface.” Joel smirked and held the drink up in a cheers motion, “What a sweet girl you have, Jimmy. Always looking out for the guests.”

“She learned hosting from her Mama, Joel. Certainly not me.” my dad quipped, nodding a thanks to me as I handed them each a bottle.

I felt a blush creep up with how Joel was examining me, and I wondered if that was the same way I was watching him earlier. He took the bottle from my hand and pushed further, “While you’re being so gracious, can you get me a little snack while we wait for the others to get here? Feelin’ a little peckish.”

I smirked and faked an annoyed eye roll, “Yes, sir. Welcome to my restaurant. What would you like?” 

Joel laughed at that, “Surprise me.”

I made my way to the snack table and loaded a small plate with cheese, crackers, meats, and cold veggies, bringing it back to the familiar man, “Careful, there’s poison somewhere in there.” I joked and his smile broadened.

“Thank you, Sweetheart.”

“You’re welcome, Old Man.” I quipped back before returning inside to clean up the rest of the mess and my father laughed.

Before it was fully dark outside our backyard was full of people. I made light of the event, socializing, recapping the last four years of my time away with neighbors. I kept nursing drink after drink to help my nerves keep calm, my social meter tapped out by around ten p.m with hours left to go.

I stepped inside and retreated to the bathroom to get just a single moment where I didn’t have to talk to anybody, the harsh lighting burning my blurred eyes after spending hours in the soft lighting of the backyard.

I splashed a little water on my face and when I opened the door I gasped to see Joel standing there, “Oh, sorry, Sweetheart.” his eyes burned the same color as mine, lids heavy with drink.

“It’s fine, Joel.” I nearly pushed by him but his smirk stopped me.

“I’m not Old Man anymore?” he towered over me, and this close I had to look up to meet his eyes.

“Oh, you’re still old.” I giggled, the quiet of the house was a complete contrast to the music coming from outside. The rest of the party dancing, socializing, drinking.

He hummed in response and set his hand on my waist, looking into the bathroom, “You done in here or can I take a piss, Gorgeous?”

I flushed instantly, “Sorry, sir.” and stepped aside.

His eyebrows raised softly “So tense with me. Almost like-”

“Almost like what?” my heart began drumming inside of my chest.

“Nah, nothing.” 

I pushed by him and let him in, closing the door behind me with a “You need to fix my closet next week, Joel.” 

“Anything for you, Babygirl.” he called from behind the closed door and I felt myself melting inside.

“Promise?” I giggled, pushing the boundary thanks to the mixed drinks in my blood.

Silence for a few moments, running water, and then the opening of the door, something had changed in his eyes in the few moments from behind the barricade of the door. “Of course, Sweetheart. Anything.”

I swallowed a lump in my throat and felt my eyes close softly unconsciously. I snapped them back open, feigning off embarrassment. 

“You’ve been acting strange since you moved back home. Everything okay?” he sounded concerned.

“Fine. It’s-” I almost admitted it was him. I shut my mouth before I could say anything sober me would regret.

His full lips tipped up into a half-smirk, “It’s. It’s. It’s-” a pause, he wanted me to continue, “Spit it out, Doll. What’s bothering my girl?” his tone was the same as it always was when I was needing advice growing up, but his eyes were darkened.

“You.” I whispered so quietly I wasn’t even sure I said it or if I just thought it.

“Me?” he said after a long pause, furrowing his brows.

“It’s- Nevermind. So stupid of me.” I turned on my heel and started away from him, but he grabbed my wrist carefully to stop me.

“You’re not stupid.” his eyes held promise. Safety.

“If I say what’s on my mind you’ll change your mind, Mr. Miller.” I felt smaller than a mouse at that moment. The liquid courage pushed me on as he continued to press.

“I promise. Nothing you say could ever change my mind.” 

“I’ve been acting weird because of you.” his hand was still gripping my wrist and his hand tightened for a fraction of a second, my skin burned deliciously at his touch.

“Have I done something wrong?” he asked cautiously.

“The opposite.” my voice was still a whisper, and his was dropping now, too. Reading that this was a conversation better kept private.

He hummed again, “Do you-”

“Since I was a teenager I’ve had a crush on you. The older I get the more I can read you. The older I get the more I-... The more I cannot think about anything else but how it would feel to-” I stopped. Stupid. “Stupid.”

“No.” he shook his head, “I’ve been watching you the last few months.” he admitted, “You’re not a little girl anymore. Far from it. A gorgeous woman. You’re not stupid for thinking, but it could cause issues.” his eyes held concern.

“With Sarah.”

“And your old man.” he finished my thought.

“You-you feel it, too?”

He nodded once, a silent reply.

I stared at his lips suddenly. Then his eyes. Feeling my reserve crumbling around me, hoping his was, too. I turned my figure more toward him and he pressed his spare hand, still damp from washing into the small of my back, still gripping my wrist with his free hand. “Are you going to kiss me, Joel?” the silent, darkened hall and our hushed voices would raise alarm for anyone within earshot. Thank God we were the only ones in the house.

He didn’t answer with words, but let my wrist go and cupped my jaw in his hand, pressing me against his toned body, hands all rough from his job. Hesitantly, slowly he was leaning down to my level before his breath hit my lips and he stopped. Knitting his brows together, biting down on his bottom lip. He was fighting a war in himself, one that he was going to lose. “Please, if you’re going to kiss me… Please. I’m begging.” I shot my eyes back to his as my whimpered plea ran out of my mouth like a track star and he was pressing his lips against mine in no time at all.

Soft, tangy with beer. Electric. Everything I had ever dreamed of. I gasped as my senses were overloaded with him, and he wrapped his arm around me tighter, his grip on my jaw was iron. I placed my hands on his chest and he mistook it for pushing him away, “God, I-I’m so sorry-” he started, but kept his hands in their places.

“No. I’ve waited ten years for this moment.” I admitted, looking up at him through my lashes, “please don’t be sorry.”

He reconnected his lips to mine, taking advantage of the still quiet house before pulling me into the bathroom and slamming the door shut behind him.

I leaned my back against the counter and wrapped my arms around his broad shoulders, he was feverish. The way he clung to my hips in desperation, licking into my mouth at the added privacy of the bathroom. I allowed him access, moaning softly against his tongue, curling my fingers around the hair at the nape of his neck. He tasted like heaven. He pulled away again, and his eyes were almost deranged looking with a mix of emotions, “Fuck, we could get in trouble.” he whispered.

I felt wetness pooling into the bottoms of my bikini at the sight of him panting, flustered, red. The prospect of getting caught wasn’t going to deter me, though. Not right now, at least, I dropped to my knees in front of him and quickly undid his belt, “What are you doing, baby?” he cooed, running a hand through my hair.

“I’ll be fast.” I promised, looking up at him with doe eyes. I’d never seen him from this angle before, I figured if we were already in trouble I may as well make my fantasy come true.

He didn’t object, but nodded and let a shaky breath escape his parted lips as I made quick work of his button and fly, he shimmied his jeans off of his hips and let the dense fabric fall to his ankles, I gawked at his bulge for just a moment, gasping at the size and girth presented to me at eye level. I trailed kisses up his thighs, over the fabric of his briefs and along the bony ridges of his hips, “Please, Sweetheart. Hurry before we get in trouble.”

I pulled his hardened member from the top of his briefs and quickly sunk my mouth down around him, no teasing. No taking time. I took him as far as I could before the threat of gagging sprung on me, wetting him with my tongue.

“Nngh-Fuck. You’re not so innocent as you look, huh?” he grunted softly, his voice strained, bracing himself on the ledge of the counter behind me with his hands.

I hummed around him and he bucked his hips further down my throat, saliva dripping down my chin from the sudden movement. He pulled me off of his length by my hair and cupped my face in his hands, my mouth chased his throbbing cock as he removed me, “Joel, I just want to make you feel good.”

He nodded in response, closing his eyes to try to gain composure, “You are.” he whispered, pulling me up to stand by my hands, working at the button on my shorts, yanking them down and turning me around so I was facing the vanity mirror, hands roaming around underneath my sweatshirt, grasping my breasts while I stared at the two of us in the mirror. 

“Fuck…” I whispered, looking at our crazy expressions. Lust-filled eyes, swollen lips, red cheeks.

“You’re beautiful.” he whispered, dipping his hand into my bikini bottoms, feeling my wetness while watching us in the mirror, keeping, “So wet for me.” he whispered against my neck, kissing softly.

I whimpered at the contact he made with my clit suddenly, and rolled my hips against his hand for relief, he pulled his finger away and licked my slick away, he groaned softly, “You taste like Heaven.” he bit my shoulder playfully and whispered against my skin, “You want me to fuck you? Right here, while the entire block is just outside?” 

My legs trembled at the image that flashed in my mind, and I nodded quickly.

“Use your words, Sweetheart. I need to hear you.” his hands traveled the curve of my thighs and ass, squeezing the plush flesh.

“Yes, Joel. I want you to fuck me while everybody is just outside. While it’s so easy for us to get caught, I want you to fuck me so good I can’t even remember my own name after.”

“Good girl.” he untied the rest of my bathing suit and let it drop, fully exposing my lower-half to him. Both of us were only wearing our shirts now, he trailed his fingers delicately over my skin and kept his voice low. “You have to be silent, baby. Silent.” his eyes showed concern, “Be a good girl for me and nod that you understand. Show me how silent you can be.”

I nodded once in confirmation, clenching around nothing aside from the prospect of being filled up by Joel Miller.

He kept his eyes on my face from the mirror as he pumped his hand up and down his cock a few times, readying himself for me, running the tip along my slick and pushing the tip in. “You’re so goddamn tight,” he cooed and my eyes rolled back at trying to suppress a noise that threatened to erupt from the depths of my soul at him splitting me open for him, slowly easing in centimeter by centimeter. Too tight for him not to savor the feeling of me throbbing around him.

“Joel.” I whispered, hardly audible.

“Silent.” he warned, a crazed look in his eye as he stilled his movements.

I nodded, and he wasted no more time stretching me slowly along his cock, he pushed in hard and fast the rest of the way. Watching me fall apart and lean against the counter for support.

I opened my mouth and forced myself to make no sound, grinding my hips back against his as he panted softly, stilling when he filled me to the hilt, “So good, baby. Such a good girl.” he gripped my hips hard and picked up a slow rhythm, filling me and then retreating fully. Teasing that delicate spot so deep inside my own fingers can never reach.

I whimpered softly, hardly a sound at all and he snapped his hips against my ass, “So pretty like this. Staring at yourself getting fucked by your father’s best friend. So obedient and quiet for me.” he watched us in the mirror, my face red from suppressing myself. Knuckles white against the edge of the counter.

His hand snaked around my hip to my stomach, trailing down until he found my clit, rubbing deliciously slow circles around the sensitive bud.

I couldn’t help it, the feeling of being full to the brim and the added pleasure from the sensitive spot forced me to release a moan of pure bliss, “That’s so good.” I let out, and he clamped his other hand over my mouth, shaking his head quickly and pulling out of me.

“On the floor, lay down.” he pointed to the floor and I laid on my back, he fit himself between my knees and covered my mouth again, using his other arm to support his weight above me. “Silent. This is your last warning.”

I nodded, eyes wide, boring into his serious, caramel colored irises.

He snapped his hips to mine, this new angle filling me even better, and his pace was fast, desperate, hard. He never took his hand off of my mouth the entire time he whispered praises against my neck while he bit, kissed and licked my tingling skin.

I stayed silent for him, taking in his hushed praises through heavy lids and flushed skin, My breathing hitched as I felt the waves of my orgasm begin to ripple through me.

“Cum for me, Sweetheart. I want to feel how good my cock is to you.” he pressed his hand down more firmly, a reminder of my task. Silence.

My eyes rolled back sharply as I arched into him, clenching desperately as his cock, breathing labored as my nails clutched into his hips, leaving small crescent shaped marks in his skin.

“Good girl. Good girl. Look how pretty you are when you fall apart for me.” he bit his lip as he continued his pace, riding out my high while chasing his own, and I held my breath against his hand.

It wasn’t long after mine that he began to crumble, his pace faltering, his breaths ragged as he ground his hips against mine slower and slower. Softer and softer. He pulled himself out of my throbbing pussy and let his warmth burst out over my thigh.

Finally removing his hand from my mouth I clutched the fabric of his shirt desperately, pressing his lips to mine. He grunted against my lips; a satisfied, unconscious noise. When he pulled away and pressed his forehead against mine, I could only imagine the expression I was making for him. Fucked out, touched out, desperate to take him again. Properly, not on the bathroom floor while a party raged on around us outside.

As if having the same thought, he cleaned me up with a washcloth from the linen closet and slipped into his jeans, buckling the belt. “Go to your room and wait a few minutes. Don’t wanna look suspicious.” he shrugged.

“Right.” I nodded, scrambling for my shorts and grabbing the bikini bottoms from the floor, only bothering to put the shorts on before pushing the door open and hurrying to the stairwell.

“Wait.” Joel’s voice was a harsh whisper, and I turned to face him, “Let’s do this properly next time.” He suggested, “Not in a bathroom.”

I nodded once before running up the steps, feeling empty now that he wasn’t buried inside of me but knew time was of the essence right now. I figured I’d make up some excuse about being clumsy and spilling a drink or food on my outfit and that’s what took me so long inside, fabricating a lie I’d hold onto forever if I had to. Ensuring that nobody would ever find out about the questionable dynamic of Joel and my now extremely complicated relationship. 

When I returned outside around ten minutes later, I was thankful nobody batted an eye. Nobody missed me, and Joel was making himself busy at the snack table, popping a pretzel in his mouth and chewing with a knowing, cocky smile on his face.

“There’s my girl.” my dad’s voice cut through the yard and I snapped my attention to him before I could fall apart looking into the eyes of his best friend.

[veefuls]

2024-04-05 16:40

I have for almost 3 weeks been putting off finishing my English assignment for no real reason, I'm just for some reason not doing it. It's easter break so it can wait.

I've been meaning to watch "Tell Me That You Love Me" which is a South Korean remake of the Japanese show "Say That You Love Me". I made it through about 2 and a half episodes, but it started buffering and I couldn't bother reconnecting to the internet so, that's where I've ended up. I usually don't really enjoy shows about adults adulting, but this one seems good and emotionally loaded to the point where I'm partaking in it.

I have literally nothing scheduled for a while, but I'm excited for Japan's GP on Sunday. Will have to wake up at 7 in the morning, but it's fine I guess...

ALSO on Monday next week "선재 업고 뒤어" (Lovely Runner is the English title I think they've settled on) is premiering the first episode and I'm stoked. It's based on a WebToon that I would like to read, but I'm saving it for afterward to spare myself from any dissapointment while watching the show. Byeon Wooseok is in it (damaged Russian-Korean drug smuggler CEO in Strong Girl Nam-soon (shit show btw)) and my bff Kim Hyeyoon (of Extraordinary You fame). They have a 30 cm height difference though... for some reason Hyeyoon is always casted with guys five times her height. Anyway it's about this girl whose favorite singer dies, she goes back in time and has to find a way to reroute his path. Seems promising, will be watching because my favorite actors are in it lol.

Speaking of Byeon Wooseok, he has caused me grave emotional distress due to that gut wrenching movie "Soulmate" from 2023. You know, I was genuinely excited as he was getting more work after 20th Century Girl, but the actual heartbreak Soulmate caused me is unexplainable. I think about it all the time, anyway never ask me to watch a movie about two girls being friends I can't take it. I will not ever discuss 20th Century Girl so don't even bring it up.

On the 11th, the second season of Heartbreak High is coming out. I don't honestly know what I thought about the first season, it was too messy and not messy enough at the same time. Will be tuning in for this season though!

I've been thinking that I need to buy stuff. I've become too stingy. I put stuff in my cart and leave it there until it's gone out of stock. It's horrible I need to spend money. Either a vinyl or like an album of sorts, maybe a pair of jeans idk. RIIZE aren't releasing a physical album until June I think, so I have nothing to do on that front. Might check out Beyoncé's vinyls though...

Anyway, to wrap up, I'd like to recommend "Better Days" (2019), one of my favorite movies ever. I've watched it so many times, and each time I finish it I've learned something new. Music wise... Hikaru Utada's One Last Kiss. No reason just good song :) Will be having Chinese food for dinner.

Take care~~

[purplesurveys]

1895

How are you doing today? I think I'm doing okay. I felt terrible heading into the weekend and still feel it lingering to an extent, so I'm trying to recalibrate as much as I can because it's Monday again and I don't want to bring in my personal emotions to my work.

In any case, I'm still up (it's 12:40 AM) because Jin is going to be a torchbearer at the Olympics and he's slated to come on at ~2:30 AM hehe, so I'm using the waiting time as motivation to do some work early. I've already finished one Powerpoint I didn't need to do until Thursday, so I feel great about that!

What is the last song you listened to in a car? A Milli by Lil Wayne. It was on the radio and that particular station has a hip-hop and R&B lineup every Sunday, and they're usually able to kill it with the throwbacks.

Do you like prefer apple cider warm or cold? I've never tried that.

When did you last feel misunderstood? Friday.

Have you ever visited The Louvre or would you like to? I haven't, and I would like to.

Have you ever accidentally locked yourself out of your place of residence? Just once, and I was around 10. I had a roaming security guard help me back in.

Do you remember your favorite songs as a kid? I was obsessed with Avril Lavigne's Girlfriend because it had profanity in it and 9 year old me used to get a crazy adrenaline rush from saying "motherfucking" whenever no one was there to hear.

Do you currently feel calm? Yes, and it's such a wonderful feeling to have. I wish I can feel calm all the time, haha.

When did you last lace up a pair of shoes? Today.

What’s your go to comfort meal? Spicy tuna salad.

Do you enjoy cloud watching? When I'm in the mood for it, which admittedly doesn't come up often. It's calming when I do it, though.

Do you currently have any candles lit? Nopes.

If applicable, what’s your favorite sports team?

How many cardigans do you own? I have one, which funnily enough has gone missing. I haven't seen it for a few weeks now, come to think of it...

How much is too much for clothes? Idk, it's subjective for me. I don't typically bat an eye at how much luxury clothes can cost because...idk like it's always been that way I guess. But, and this is just one of very many specific examples, if a brand is going for a tattered, grubby aesthetic and sells a worn-out looking shirt for thousands of dollars, that's when I start to kind of make fun of it and the people who buy it.

How soon do you normally decorate for holidays? We only ever decorate for Christmas, and in our case and because my family is Filipino, we usually have our tree up by early October.

Are there any important things happening this week? We're dropping my dad off at the airport on Friday and it fucking sucks but we gotta do it. 

Do you know anyone who is terrified of dogs? One of my uncles.

What scent was the last soap you used? Just normal soapy soap smell. No added scents to it.

How old were you when you made your first big purchase? I was 24 when I bought my phone. Important disclaimer: I did use my dad's credit card to do the initial payment but only because I don't have my own cc lol; but I paid back the amount the same day and paid for the subsequent installments.

What last made you angry? Being talked down to.

What’s a color you think is underrated? Olive green.

What are you usually doing when midnight comes around and you can’t sleep? I just put a video on and put my phone on low brightness and I can be knocked out in like 5-10 minutes.

What is your favorite way to eat rice? (white, steamed, fried, brown, sweetened…) Steamed, white. In every meal. Eating in Vietnam was such a struggle because it was so hard to find rice anywhere lol. We ended up getting Jollibee on Grabfood and even that was a challenge + culture shock because they also barely had rice in their menu.

What color is the top you’re wearing? Dark green.

When did you last laugh so hard you cried? This afternoon when I was playing card games with my relatives.

What’s your favorite horror movie? The Shining.

What’s your favorite and least favorite fast food restaurant? Favorite is KFC for making the best fried chicken ever. Least favorite, Chowking – I just find their food so blah. Super oily, and their branches are also notoriously gross and poorly maintained. I have yet to see a clean Chowking.

How many pictures can you see in the room you’re in? One – my photobooth photo with my sister when we were in Saigon.

When did you last sign your signature? Around a month ago for my driver's license renewal.

What cover do you think is better than the original song? This is saying it loosely, but I do tend to listen to BTS' cover of Yoongi's So Far Away more than the original. I just feel like it was made more special when the whole vocal line covered it. That said, I love that Jimin and Tae got to do the song for the live performances since their takes didn't make the cut for the studio version.

Are you currently listening to music? Well, yeah, the last question made me want to look for the vocal line's version of the song haha.

What is something you’ve been working on? Being the best leader I can be for my team.

What’s something that excites you about the future? Earning more money and traveling the world.

How often do you drink smoothies? Never.

What’s a TV show you have gotten into recently? Continued from Sunday. None. tbh. It's very rare for me to get into shows.

Have you ever had to have a tooth cut out? Nope.

When did you last rush for something? Last Friday when I left 10 minutes later than I should've.

How many blankets do you own? I think it's around 5.

Have you drank enough water today? Lots and lots of it.

Do you prefer apple pie or pecan pie? I've never had pecan, but I'd go with that as I don't like apples.

What color takes up most of your wardrobe? Blacks and whites.

What makes you feel alive? Crying.

Who is your last missed call from? Just my mom.

Do you have any unusual pet peeves? When people only message "hi" and will type their actual request only after you acknowledge. It's one of the most annoying things Ever and I'm having none of it, so I don't reply whenever that happens and just wait for them to either spit it out or never message again.

What is a food you think is nasty that most people enjoy? Fruits.

Would you rather never be sick again or be rich? I'd take the money.

Do you have a specialty dish that you’re really good at making? Haha, nope.

What video games did you play when you were growing up? Sims 2 is definitely high up on my list. I also played GTA III and San Andreas – did none of the missions; I just really liked the open world concept and spent the whole time driving and following traffic rules, lol. Mario Kart Wii, Super Smash Bros Brawl, and Warioware, too.

Are you good at making big decisions alone or do you tend to seek approval from others? I seek inputs, not approval – just for other perspectives. Otherwise the choice I make is usually what I want to go for or what I think would be best for me.

Does your town or city have good public transport, or is it easier to drive? Neither of those work out for us tbh. The public transport definitely sucks and will suck the soul out of you, but it's no better having your own car because so do 400,000 fucking people. It just sucks having to go anywhere here which is why I'm so grateful to still be WFH.

What was the last cocktail you drank? Ooh I can't remember the name or what was in it, but it was this quirky drink that was topped with some kind of matcha latte or something and it tasted really good!

Are you good at keeping running counts and tallies in your head? Usually yes, but just to be safe I like to keep my phone nearby so I can track there too.

Does your country have its own edition of Big Brother? It does.

How often do you take a nap during the day? Almost never these days.

What social media platforms do you use? Facebook, Instagram, Twitter.

Are there any foods you hate the smell of but like the taste, or vice versa? Longganisa smells really good but like 97% of time tastes like shit. I can't think of any example for the other way around.

Do you have a dishwasher? Not a thing here.

Who do you live with? Parents, siblings, two dogs and a cat.

Are you listening to anything right now? No.

What is one of your favourite sitcoms? Friends :)

Do you make to-do lists? I do.

If you could magically become fluent in any language, what would it be? Korean.

Have you ever tried vegan ice cream? I don't think so.

What pet names do you use for your friends/loved ones? Sis, siz, sizt, sissymae, mars, sissymars, mare, mum, ate, mima, mumsh, mumshie, mother, motherhood, sissycakes, marecakes...in the Philippines, you can make any word a pet name lmao. You can also make up words and make them a pet name hahaha.

What pet names do you like to be called? Any of the above is fine, hah.

What was the best concert you’ve ever seen? Paramore during their After Laughter tour, or Agust D!

Do you have any hobbies? Sure.

What is your favourite pasta shape? Fettuccine.

Have you ever developed your own film? I have not.

When was the last time you stayed in a hotel/motel and where was that? Tagaytay, around a month ago.

What breed was the last dog you saw? Beagle and Yorkie.

Do you watch the Super Bowl? Nope.

What’s your favourite Disney movie? Toy Story and Tangled.

What’s the most stressful job you’ve ever had? I've had just one so it wins by default.

What was the last text message you received? I don't know and please don't let me check, it's 100% related to work.

Should you be asleep right now? If so, go to bed! Little bit, yeah. Hahaha it's fine, I think I'll hold out for an hour or two more.

[nathank77]

6/14/24

9:40 p.m

It took me awhile to fall asleep. I used the older xanax just to troubleshoot if the newer stuff was fake. I guess not cause if it was- I would have passed out immediately. I slept solidly through the night until 3 p.m. I peeded and then I laid back down and was out until 4:14 p.m without drugs... that's a good thing but I don't like sleeping that late cause I may struggle to sleep tonight.

Anyways I was going to game but I was aggravated and my house is always a hell hole. I have this whole dilemma:

1) I want to finish the attic and the shared closet/my room but not in that order. I want to finish the shared closet. Then my room closet. Then the attic. Cause I want to bring my nicest things down from the attic for clothes and put them in a storage bin on top of my movies storage bin and my blanket storage bin which I want an extra set of sheets and an one extra pillow top mattress cover for when I inevitably spill juice on my bed which is fairly common and the later I do it at night I can't wash it and I have to sleep on a towel. So I'm going to buy a pillow top mattress cover. Not extra sheets I'll ask for that for Christmas. Wash it and put it in the storage bin in the shared closet.

2) The dilemma is I want to join the gym Monday but- if I join before I get all this stuff done it will become a tedious project and I'll be hellbent on using my very expensive gym membership bc I'm joining at the wrong time of the year. If I joined January 1st or something it would be a 1$ start up fee instead of a 60$ start up fee.

I don't want to lose my fire for either things bc it's coming to a head. The true dilemma is that the gym is going to be 70$ to start out of pocket Monday if I joined.

I want to keep buying l salivarius. I want to give cbd one more month. I want to get storage bins so I can continue my organization. I want to buy that pillow top mattress cover. And I'd really like to buy a microfiber queen sized blanket as a comforter... I have one already and I would swap them... put the old one in the storage bin in the closet with the old pillow top mattress cover as a spare.

The dilemma really is money and how I spend it and energy. Yea I can go Monday to the gym and swipe my card and start working out but then I'm out a decent amount of money and I still got to pay for the annual fee two months later.... and then I can't really afford the storage bins... I can't really afford the pillow top mattress cover or the microfiber blanket... it would be nice to have a spare washed and conveniently put away in the shared closet..

So idk what to do. I ended up cleaning out our shared closet. I put all the water bottles in a huge box. I got out 3 old comforters that were on the floor and put them in that box. I threw away a bunch of drinks. The closet is CLEAN! but not done yet.

I already have two storage bins thanks to Katie. One clear smaller one without a top unfortunately but with movies and one large gray one with those waters. I had to clean the water one out with antibacterial stuff cause a soda busted in there. I cleaned that out. Put my movies in there and they fit much better so that's done.... I'm happy with it.

Then I grabbed the storage bin my sister provided me from the basement and used antibacterial spray on it and put the blankets in it. I still got to wash the blankets and I may throw out a few in order to fit the old pillow top mattress cover when i get a new one and the old microfiber blanket when I get a new one. There are def a few blankets in there I wouldn't feel bad about throwing out... but I didn't have time to wash them yet, that's a later activity..

I have the clear bin without a top on top of the blanket storage bin. It has virtually nothing in it but I felt the need to "set it all up" so my mother didn't take over the nice space I created. I absolutely plan to buy the smaller clear storage bin and grab the nicer clothes from the attic basically only what I just put up there, my old medium boxers, the shorts and pj pants and the old shirts with coconut oil stains. They are all nice stuff and once I get the stains out they are wearable..

So this is my updated list. I feel accomplished and below that is what the closet looks like now. I got to figure out if putting the gym off and spending extra money on the bins and blankets make sense. Now that I have an almost perfect set up just lacking the clothes, the lid, and the extra bedding, it's like I want to do that but I can't do the gym and that. I got to figure it out.

Imma wait on my sister to get me more storage bins for free. I can buy them from Walmart but Walmart will only ship the clear smaller ones for free otherwise its store pick up... my car can't fit them.... so me and my sister have to go grab some in her truck.. whenever she will work with me on that.. I'd at least buy a few for the attic.. to get that going.

I mean I could benefit from 2 or 3 of the clear bins. One for the shared closet for my clothes. One for stuffed animals like from my childhood up in the attic prob the one without a top... but I mean- I really need the huge ones. I like that they are clear but they lack the space to be worth the money honestly.

So yea I'm over here going if I spend all this money between l salivarius and the blanket, the pillow top and a few clear storage bins/the larger ones... not to mention cbd next month when I get paid-i have to put the gym off.

Also energy wise even if I had the money I don't have the energy to start fitting in the gym and doing all this stuff around the house...

Erin won't be a therapist anymore in July... so my time will really free up... I will try to get on Mike's schedule two days a week and then I can really fit the gym in even with this amount of stuff left to do... I'm not going to bother looking for another therapist cause I'm a voice hearing trans person. I'm done with the rejection.

But yea, I wish I could join the gym, buy all this stuff and have the money. I wish I could do both the gym and finish this project without worrying about putting one off... if I spend all that money on the gym, I can't not commit. That's the thing. Part of me is like wait until January. If I don't kill myself... all these new years resolutions... it's always 1$ start up new years.. but I mean I've plateau weight wise and those skinny jeans will not fit if I don't go...

I got a lot to think about. Should I keep buying 100mg of cbd? Should I keep buying l salivarius when it can be so good for someone with gum disease despite its cost? Should I forget about the dentist until my annual instead of calling Husky and paying out of pocket which I can't really afford for a 6 month cleaning and give up on my brown stained tooth and just do whitening strips in January? Should I finish my house projects while I'm motivated before I join the gym when money is going to be an issue? Should I say fuck the attic and go to the gym?

Idk..money is tight. I want organization. I want the stuff that didn't get destroyed to stay not destroyed. I want that clear storage bin with my nicer clothes to stay down here with me. I want the extra blanket and I def NEED the extra pillow top mattress cover cause I'm a spiller and I'm stuck in my room 24/7. I spilled tea on my bed 2 night ago and had to sleep in a wet spot.

If I put off the gym I got one pair of jeans. If I go to the gym, I will spend 59$ more on a start up fee and my house projects will come to a screeching hault bc for one I can't buy the storage bins. For two I'm going to use all my energy going to the gym and on the days I don't go I won't want to do anything. Once I don't have Erin as a therapist and I figure out what day Mike can see me my schedule will clear off a little making the gym easier to fit in...

Money will never be easy... the closer i get to January the more I think 1$ start up fee... saving 59$ that I could spend on stuff I need makes sense but I really want my body to be the best it can be.

What should I do? Idk. Even buying all this stuff on credit will be tight but it's on credit and as long as I don't do glasses (that's never happening), and I don't do the 6 month teeth cleaning and I put off my gym membership.. I mean I can do that. I can do the gym but I can't swipe my card on the stuff I want to buy.

Do I need l salivarius right now? Nope but it makes sense to put it on the 100$ no interest if paid off in 6 month thing with all the storage bins.

So yea that's where I am. This is what I have left to do. And I'm confused but the shared closet although not finished is in a finished state just missing the lid and the clothes from the attic but I'll do that another day.

Idk if I'm doing the car wash tomorrow. Idk If I'm going out for a chicken tomorrow. Dads house on Sunday is stressful and I have to drive all the way over there... gas money. Money issues constantly and bc I didn't really relax at all today- maybe I should tomorrow. I'm overwhelmed.

[trans-xianxian]

welllll I've got two half done panels but I think that staying up to try and do more is going to hurt more than help so it's beddy bye for me and tomorrow will just be a very long day

[spookysanta]

daddy’s girl. (e.d.)

Summary: he's been watching her and she knows it. He's yearning for her, and he’ll have her, but she has to finish high school first. 

Pairing: Ethan Dolan xReader

WARNINGS: age gap (38 vs 18), creep shit

SAY NOTHING IM WRITING A NEW SERIES JUST READ IT AND TELL ME IF IT SUCKS 

DISCLAIMER! PLEASE READ: in this, the girl (cairo) is of LEGAL age. he (ethan) refers to her as a child bc yanno.... he's almost 40 here. this isn't on any pedophile stuff, okay? just for clarification. AND as i was writing this i got jake gyllenhaal vibes from this, but then i figured ethan could be the “sexy dad” in the future (so to speak)—which is what i was kinda going for; like a man that’s older but is so irresistibly gorgeous, even young girls swoon over him.

UNEDITED

****

******

She'd caught his eye. 

And he doesn't know how it came to be this way; he thought he was done messing around like this ages ago. But here he was, a thirty-eight-year-old man, watching an eighteen-year-old girl cheer at his neice's high school's football game. 

She sees him though; as if he's staring into her soul. As she finishes her tumbling routine in the halftime show, her eyes dart in his direction and his never leave her. She shivers slightly--

Who is that man? she wondered, walking away from the field to distract herself. 

**

She stands at the cash register, swiping his items across the scanner. "Did you find everything okay?" she asked in a monotone voice, looking at the clock on the register's screen. 

"Yes, I did. Thank you." the man responded, fishing in his wallet for cash as he already knew how much two bottles of red wine cost. "Do you need to see ID?"

"Yes, I--" she paused, looking at the man for the first time during their interaction. This was the man from the football game! She couldn't have forgotten those pearly eyes that bore into hers, and definitely didn't forget the way he ironically made her feel when their eyes locked. "I-I do."

"You okay?" he asked with a chuckle as he handed her his driver's license. He knew exactly who she was, and after a bit of research, he knows that she's what he wants. And, likewise, he knew that she remembered him. That in itself was exciting because now he knew where she was from 9-2 every Saturday--which meant he'd be seeing her a lot more. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

She glanced at the line forming behind him and shook her head at the idea of her confrontation. She took the card and read the birthdate carefully. "1980." she muttered, handing it back to him. "Your total's $18.20."

He handed her a $20, grabbing the bottles of wine by their necks and smirking. "Keep the change."

"Thank you." 

"You're welcome, Cairo. See you around."

**

She lay in her bed, wondering why this man clouded her thoughts. What was it about him that made him so intriguing? Yes, he was attractive, but he was more than twice her age--shouldn't that mean that he was repulsive to her? Should she shy away from this man and his beauty?

Ethan.

If there's anything she knew about men, it's that older men (well, boys, in her case) don't usually have the girl's best interest in mind. But no matter how many cons appear on this list, the only pro she seems to think of is the fact that he looked at her like he knew her already. His hazel eyes were almost magnetizing her brown ones to his gaze, and the energy was too strong to pull it away.

**

He's come to the realization that he's hooked on her.

He wants her, no--needs her. 

And he knows how crazy that sounds with all of the odds stacked against him (namely, her being a child by his comparison) but he'll admit they'd look absolutely perfect together. 

And there's nothing he won't do until they're in love.

**

day one.

She walked home from school every day. Three-fifteen on the dot, Monday through Friday. Sometimes, she takes the after-school bus after her cheer practices, and that drops her off on the same corner but at five-thirty. He sees her walk down Linden Avenue, then make a left on Conch Street, and then go into the tiny brick house at the end of the lively culdesac. Sometimes he sees her through her window at night, laying in her bed soundly. It takes everything in him each night to not climb up the big pine tree to the second floor, open the already unlocked window—she doesn't lock it anymore because the lock can get finicky at times and it can get quite hot in San Bernadino in May—and breathe in the same air as her.

Just once.

Just once, he wants to be there for her—hold her, kiss her, smell her, taste her.

Is that too much to ask?

Just one more month, he reminds himself as he perches himself on his porch chair, watching her walk into her home with her friend, Janelle.

He does not like Janelle.

Janelle has a tendency to be a bit manipulative when it comes to Cairo; she wants the best for her, of course. But she's always making Cairo go to parties that she doesn't want to go to, or do things that Cairo doesn't typically do.

Cairo's a good girl who doesn't need to be bombarded with social...ick.

"She's a good girl," he mumbled, palms set on his knees with white fingertips. "My good girl."

***

She continued her walk to the store like she usually does on Sunday mornings in the spring. Yes, she does work at the store, but why not stop by and visit her favorite co-workers while she picked up her favorite ice cream?

"Good morning, Edith!" she greeted to the elderly woman stood behind the customer service desk. She resembled Jane Goodall in a way; caring, generous, kind. "How are you today?"

"Hey, sweetie! I'm alright, hope you're doing well. Say 'hi' to Katherine for me!" she replied with a wave, going into the employee's lounge.

"Will do!" she wandered to the frozen food section, her coffee brown eyes set on the cookie dough ice cream in the freezer. With happy alarms blaring in her head, she grabbed a pint from the shelf, going immediately to the checkout line to pay for her dessert. "Hey Ricky." she said to the cashier.

"Hey, Cai." he responded, ringing up her ice cream and setting it on the counter. "$4.68. Got your employee ID on you?"

She fished through her wallet and came up emptyhanded. "Shoot. I must've left it at home." she sighed. "It's cool, I'll pay full price."

"Nah, I got you." he took a card out of his front pocket, swiped it, and put in his pin. "There ya go. $2.27."

"Thanks, Ky. I owe you one." She handed him a five dollar bill, keeping the cash fold of her wallet open so she could put her change in it.

"You know what you could do for me so we're even?" he opened the cash drawer, taking out her change and handing it to her.

"What?"

"Go to dinner with me." he wrote on her freshly printed receipt. "It doesn't have to be fancy, but if you're interested, you should hit me up sometime."

"Sure. I'd love to." she smiled, putting the receipt with her change and grabbing her ice cream off the counter. "We'll talk tonight?"

"Totally. See you around."

"See you!"

**

She entered the house again and put her ice cream in the fridge. "Ma!" she yelled into her mother's office as she passed it. "Ms. Edith at Ben's said 'hi'!"

"Aw, how sweet of her to think of me!" she said with a smile. "I'll have to send you by her house with a plate of cookies this week."

She groaned inwardly. Edith's a nice woman, but Cairo's mother, Katherine, does not conjure up her life-changing cookies on any given day. Which means that she would make a small batch—just enough for Edith and her husband, Clarke—and then, poof! No-one's going to see those cookies until Christmastime. Bounding up the staircase and into her bedroom, practically leaping onto her bed with a sigh.

Meanwhile, he was watching her still. He didn't even think to consider the idea of someone catching him stare at this girl, sat in the rocking chair on his front porch, watching her intently through a pair of zooming binoculars while she boredly scrolled through her phone. Quite frankly, he wouldn't care at all. If someone were to walk by and ask him what he was doing, he'd merely say: "Protecting my girl."

He doesn't give a damn if she took a glance out her window and saw a man—that man—staring back at her. Knowing her, which obviously he does, she'd probably scream for her mom and tell her mom to come and look because "there's a strange man" looking at her through her window. And then her mom would come and look but by then he'd be back in his home across the way from hers, in his bedroom, watching her panic through the telescope he'd set up.

That'd be a gift to himself, really. Because he knows deep within that she thinks about him. Even though maybe the thoughts are of worry or panic and not ones of admiration, all he cares about is the fact that he's invaded her thoughts just like she's invaded his.

[nathank77]

4/25/24

5:40 p.m Edited 5:53 p.m

This has been happening all day:

I've been getting flashbacks of her stiff in the snow and her coming back to life.

If only Erin wasn't Mia and I didn't only have 1 day of therapy a week and have no desire to reach out to 50 therapists to have them abandon me.

I'm seeing Erin def on Monday. Idk if it's a goodbye I'm leaving private practice or not. I kinda think it is.....

And If it is I only have Therapy once a week...

I get it brain, I'm traumatized from constantly hallucinating, I'm traumatized by being locked away in the psych ward. I don't even trust medical staff anymore bc of it. Hence the whole palpitations all day yesterday and me ignoring it just to make sure my testosterone gets put in my ass.

I get that I'm constantly stressed and worrying about losing control and that's why I have ocd and it's worsened since getting psychosis bc I always worry, I'll get worse. I always worry one day I'll be catatonic or I'll be delusional again. Or I'll end up not being able to form sentences.

I always worry that this isn't the top of the mountain where I'm coming down to freedom. I always worry this is just the beginning especially with panic attacks, potential panic disorder and then of course ptsd rearing its head.

And yea I know I barely processed Nala. I know it's unresolved but seeing the image isn't helpful, whether it's psychosis or ptsd or both. I mean man I'm trying but I have no control over Erin leaving and I really can't stand the therapeutic rejection from so many therapists. THEY GET PAID TO DEAL WITH ME, AM I REALLY THAT BAD? They aren't working for free.

Anyways I keep myself busy and stimulate my mind, I have 3 days off. I got my testosterone early and now I have nothing but laundry to do sometime this weekend. I ordered an hdcp bypasser from Walmart thinking- easier return policy and faster shipping and then its coming from fucking like Yeman so I won't get it until like May 5th or something but the return policy is easier and I bought a 2 years warranty cause I'm sick of everyone I get not bypassing hdcp.. I'm trying to keep busy and work through my issues.

I'm waiting on Erin to finish editing my Kristen Report so I can do my final piece and then submit it which will help resolve some of my trauma... but everything is a process and I'm doing it alone.

I'm trying my best brain, but are you? Cause all you got to do is turn off that damn hallucination and then we can really work through shit.