#and I don't think fanwork is shameful or should be considered lesser | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

rawliverandgoronspice · 11 months ago

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[personal and vaguely unnecessary whining underneath, just a bunch of undigisted and personal thoughts about my problems with Creation and Art that mostly just concern myself, but here they are anyway woooo!!!!]

feeling some kind of way about having to concede my artistic calling truly is in fanwork, but, yeah. all of my creative energy really tends towards fanwork, and like. not even the popular kind really, but the long, cerebral, pretentious kind of fanwork that is impossibly costly to produce yet comes with an inherently very limited audience at the end of the road. but every time I try to do something else, something "original", I get frustrated and I feel like I have nothing to say, or that what I have to say isn't really worth saying/that I'm only kind of doing this out of fear of being perceived as illegitimate rather than because of actual passion. I have original ideas, but I don't even really like most of them. it's weird, to have your inner creative fire being so intricately connected to something you will never have legal control over, something you can't really show off/take actual pride in, and something that is, by and large, decried as a waste of talent or time or proper artistic merit.

but yeah, it's the shape of my brain. it's what it is. I'm just not sure how to connect this reality to the rest of my creative/career frustrations. weird place to be, don't love that my brain chose to be like this honestly.

#thoughts #personal #I have spent my entire youth being criticized because of my enthusiasm for fanwork instead of proper creation you could gain accolades for #granted I shouldn't have gotten that kind of pressure before I was even age 10 #but #yeah I know having a brain made for original work doesnt automatically mean you gain recognition and respect #but fanwork is just. not the way to go.#there's a ton of people I know who have a latent condescencion towards me because I write fanwork #in a given style that is pretty hard to parse through #I indeed do refuse to prioritize digestibility and clarity #but I do that in fandom instead of in lit fic!!! because I'm stupid!! my brain is dumb!!!#but yeah I don't know what to tell you all my best and most audacious work is fanwork #it is what it is and I don't think it will change #and I don't think fanwork is shameful or should be considered lesser #why should it be???#it holds the potential of sitting at the crossroad of deep-cut critique + admiration and love + creative experimentation #in a medium that is deeply entranched within our current era of media consumption and therefore I would argue is inherent commentary #also I wrote for IPs for work and what I did there was much dumber than what I might have written on my own #anyway weird thoughts and weird question marks for my future as the industry is slowly falling apart around me #might delete later but I just. mood post. feeling weird.#deflated professionnally and endlessly energized outside of that even though both are two sides of the same kind of work #a mood for weird and uncertain times I guess

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