#and 4 years since I took a quantum mechanics class

[parallelunivrses]

meeting with a professor tomorrow to talk about her dark matter research!!! honestly didn’t think I’d be this excited to talk to her but I read one of her papers over the weekend and it’s so cool!!! I hope it goes well and I can join her lab

[xi-off]

did i ttell yyall bout that time i accidentally took a quantum physics class . u should hear it. it says more abt me than my mbti ever will

my first deadly yet obvious mistake was letting my cousin* help me put my schedule together. in my defense it was my first semester ever at uni and i was taking any and all help i could get. "ur doin premed u might as well take this chem class in case u need it for ur major later" he says. "ok" i say.

*this is the one notorious for building bombs in his kitchen sink. yes he was 2 semesters from getting his bachelors in chemical engineering b4 deciding it was boring and then swapping to computer science for funsies. why do you ask

so yeah the class is named some benign thing like "intro to chemistry principles" with a large footnote that its only required for a handful of STEM degrees, but it therefore covers any and every intro chem credit u will ever need. so im like awesomesauce. might as well since this uni is notorious for idiot credit transfer policies 👍

first week or two is also fairly benign. prof mentions the class is gonna b pretty intense due to the material itself being pretty intense, this isnt really an intro course so hopefully u took ap chem, and im like sure its a 4 credit class. i didnt take ap chem in high school bc our chem teacher Sucked (2/15 ap chem kids my year got a 3 and everyone else failed) so im a little nervous but prepared to hate myself the rest of the semester. pretty cool. chugging along. i dont actually have to teach myself as much basic chem as i thought bc most of its pretty intuitive but im waiting for the other shoe to drop

add/drop deadline passes. my schedule is now set in stone

everything was still fine for a bit. but as per The Rules, somewhere around the 2nd of 4 midterms stuff starts going off the rails and im like. bestie WHAT is happening.u want me modeling WHAT in this janky software from the 90s that responds if and only if it feels like it? wtf is a pi orbital? wtf is hilbert space??? (pause) ARE WE DOING QUANTUM MECHANICS in my INTRO TO CHEM CLASS

(also side note im taking 17 credit hours this semester. the other classes included calc 2 which sucks fat nuts despite the fact im taking it for the second time…its been like 2 years bc i took it in high school… and japanese 101 which ended up being worse than the ACCIDENTAL QUANTUM PHYSICS class in many ways)

so yeah i cried a lot. i got like a 60 on my final and scraped out with a B-. somehow even with Also A B- in my calc class my gpa didnt drop below my scholarship minimum of 3.5 until i failed illustration 101 later. and then i got really disabled. and then covid happened. and now ive been on academic probation for like . hang on doing math. 3 years. and also havent been able to get that resolved to take classes that entire time. and i need to go get that figured out so i can apply to another school UUUUUUGGGHHHHHHH f my gay baka life

tldr: stay in school to draw yuri on ur notes or jesus from bible will put u on academic probation for 3 years

[dandeliononthemoon]

Some out of context text exchanges for y'all - TSC edition (if they did my courses)

This is some text exchanges between me and my uni mates who've been doing courses for this term together and since it is ending now, I gift you those text exchanges.

about the assignment article they are writing

Will : Tessa, i am gonna merge the conclusion and discussion into one section.

Will: i know how much you wanted to separate them, like Romeo and Juliette

Tessa:

Tessa: so the conclusion and discussion are dead?

Will: *takes a look at the sections* well they have the word "die" in it so....

---

Jace: i am gonna be a little late to class

Alec: *sends a meme with the text "disappointed but not surprised"*

---

Dru: i wont be at the online class today.

Dru: i have to admit, i hadn't eaten cheese yesterday

Kit: i am little later, I've had only a little bit of cheese

Ty:

---

about the assignment article

Kieran: funny how some students are either very critical or totally not

Cristina: i filter out the criticism, i only see praise *peace sign*

Mark: you have only eyes for love

Mark: so good of you

---

Dru: i considered using the phrase "not like other girls" [in the first draft of the article], but i decided not to

Dru: isn't very professional

Kit: aw you should've!

Dru: well Ty didn't want to

Ty: too late, already submitted it

Ty: :)

---

in the context that Magnus gives tuition classes

Magnus: *makes a spelling error*

Tessa: maybe go to the tuition yourself?

Magnus: s t o p

---

5 hours after Tessa and Jem had a convo about how long their assignment submission was (both had 2.5 pages), theirs was submitted early

Will: just wanted to let you know that i got mine in 1.75 pages :)

Tessa: good to know, thanks

Jem: good of you to mention it

Will: yes i am very proud of myself

---

Raphael (about class): i am sorry i wont be there today, i have plans

Magnus: *gasp* how dare you

Ragnor: betrayal

---

Livia (about an assignment question): huh? how do you apply that here?

Livia: oh

Livia: OH i see it

Livia: thanks

Kit and Ty:

---

Magnus and Catarina at new year's: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

Ragnor (4 hours later): happy new year

---

Jace: i have missed if we got new homework this week, do we?

Clary: nope

Jace: that is a relief

Jace: not that i couldn't catch up on the homework of the last 3 weeks in one afternoon but at least no new homework

---

Isabelle (about irl class): i am a little later

Jace: me too

Alec: same

*Alec and Isabelle have arrived at class*

Jace (an hour later): bamboozled i wont be there today

Jace: thought i could nap, but it took longer than i thought

Jace: i will be there online

---

one day before the midterm of Quantum Mechanics

Cristina : how much do we need to know about chapter 10 of Stellar Astrophysics?

Emma: you are doing that now??

Cristina: yeah, i am not gonna continue studying Quantum, something about short term memory lol

Cristina: am smart cookie

Emma: well i don't know actually

Emma: maybe cross check the topics of the exercises with the chapter content

Cristina: ooh smart

Emma: am also smart cookie :)

Cristina: we are all smart cookies

Cristina: Julian is probably a smart cheese

---

Magnus: was your answer a letter or a number [on an exercise question]?

Catarina: a number

Magnus: ooooooh

Magnus: that makes so much sense

---

Jace (about an assignment question): i did this *shows what he did* which is absolutely wrong of course but i arrived at the correct answer?

Simon: *shows what they have done*

Jace: huh

Jace: i'll look at it later

Jace: gotta eat first

---

Clary renaming the groupchat "cheese sticks"

Simon: good

Simon: we love cheese sticks

---

+ bonus

at the end of term

Clary: i wanna burn the astrophysics text book

Jace: you wanna burn bob?

Clary: 🔥bob🔥

[lovehugsandcandy]

One-on-One: Rematch (Part 1)

A/N: So this is getting out of control...what started as fulfilling a prompt that no one actually asked me for has turned into...this, a continuation on the Colt!basketball player/MC!cheerleader nonsense because why not? This is the first of four parts. (First story here)

Pairing: Colt x MC, ROD

Length: ~4,500 words

Rating: N*FW (Sex. Swearing.)

Summary: When Langston made it to Nationals, Ellie planned on spending the entire time studying in her room. It didn’t end up quite as planned.

Ellie perched on the edge of her bar stool, hand locked around a glass of ice water, toes tapping nervously against the floor. She never did this.

The plan had always been to use this time to study. Ingrid was psyched about their trip, chattering nonstop about the massive intercollegiate parties and the freedom to fraternize with the players. Ellie listened, dutifully; however, she had planned on avoiding it all, venturing out only for games and meals, living in her headphones and studying under the covers to dig into the obscure theorems and formulas required in upper-level classes.

But now?

She shifted in her seat, keeping the sliding door leading to the hotel lobby visible in the corner of her vision; she sat straighter when she saw familiar red-and-gold uniforms streaming through. Pivoting, she tracked their path, players filing through the hallway in clumps of two and three, lugging packed gym bags over broad shoulders. She waited, eyes narrowing, and finally, there. 

At the end of the line, gesturing pointedly at a piece of paper in front of him, she caught a familiar stride, long legs carrying a recognizable head of black hair and a pair of mischievous eyes. She hid a fond smile behind her glass. If there is anything she learned about Colt once he friended her on Picta, it was that he took the strategy behind the game more seriously than the actual game play. Whereas his teammates would be in the gym, perfecting bench presses and layups, Colt spent most of his time watching tape, designing play upon play that tactically attacked his opponents’ weaknesses. She internally wondered if he enjoyed the mental plotting more than being on the court.

He jabbed at the paper again, finger tracing an determined path as two other players listened intently. She tilted her head, trying to follow his path towards the elevators through the crush of the crowd as athletes, spectators, and cheerleaders, everyone flitting around in the buzz of finally being at the playoffs. Eventually, his gaze left the paper, and he glanced about; the smirk on his face when they locked eyes sent heat to her cheeks. 

She waited as he spoke to his teammates and then pushed his way through the crowd, eyes trained on her with every step. He stopped before her with a grin. “Fancy seeing you here.”

“You told me to meet you.”

“Do you always do what people tell you to?”

She had a thousand retorts on the tip of her tongue, ranging from sarcastic to flirty to downright indecent, but before her brain settled on one, a harsh voice cut through the lobby. “Kaneko! What are you doing? Let’s go!”

He glanced behind him, face pulling into a frown, but turned back again, pressing thin plastic into her palm.

“What’s this?”

“1512.”

“What?” She looked down to find a hotel key.

“1512.”

She blinked. “Is this an open invitation?”

“It’s whatever you want it to be.”

Oh my God, she didn’t know if she wanted to smack the smirk off his face or kiss it.

“Kaneko, let’s go!” He sighed, and the frown on his face was a curious mix of haughty and regretful.

“You gonna come?”

“I…” she glanced behind him, where the rest of his team crowded around the elevator.

He smirked and leaned down, hands warm even through her jeans, breath whispering over her lips. “Just come on. Open invitation, ok?”

Her eyes fluttered. He was so close that she saw each individual lash surrounding his eyes, trace his tongue dipping out to wet his lower lip. She had to focus, tighten her fingers so her drink didn’t plummet to the floor. “Ok.” She could do nothing but agree, not when he looked at her like that.

His answering grin made her stomach swoop as he straightened, shooting her a wink before he turned to jog back to his teammates.

Shaking her head, Ellie turned back around to place her glass on the bar. What was she thinking?

~~~~~

“You sure you don’t wanna go out?”

“No thanks, I’m good.” Ellie read the same sentence over again. When the uncertainty in a particle’s position is multiplied by the uncertainty in momentum, its value cannot be greater than half H-bar. She frowned; this was why she hated particle dynamics. You can’t tell both the speed and location of a particle simultaneously? She internally scoffed. Bullshit. She had always known exactly where she was going. Langston University, 4 years. PhD program at Yale, 6 years, followed by a postdoc before moving back to LA for a tenure-track research position. She had detailed out this path the day she won her seventh-grade science fair; in the years since, she had never wavered, never veered. Why was it so hard to do that with particles?

“Really, El?” Ingrid ducked out of the bathroom to study her, fiddling with an earring. “You seem...off.”

“I’m fine.”

“You sure?”

Ellie sighed; she wouldn’t have been convinced either. “I’m good, really.” Her hands tightened around the textbook in her lap. “We have a game tomorrow night. I’m just gonna study and go to sleep early.”

“Ok. I’ll be quiet when I come back.” Ingrid grinned wickedly. “If I come back.”

Ellie flushed but didn’t reply, only giving a quick wave as her roommate headed out the door. She read the sentence again. What was Planck’s constant again? She should know this by heart; she shouldn’t be so jittery, fidgeting and glancing at her purse every three seconds. It was there, a tiny rectangle nestled between flash cards and a folded-up game schedule; for a cheap strip of plastic, it was distracting, calling to her, a siren song far more compelling than quantum mechanics.

Fine.

She stood, closing the book and silently tucking it under her covers. Ingrid’s footsteps faded down the hall, followed by the ding of the elevator and then blessed silence. Ellie knew exactly where she was going and how fast; a quick detour to the room of a blindly attractive basketball player wouldn’t change anything. Quickly, she stripped, bundling her pajamas under her bed on the off chance she wasn’t home before Ingrid, throwing on street clothes and triple-checking her purse for the plastic key card. It gleamed, reflecting the light as if taunting her, conspicuously out of place among the detritus of her carefully crafted life.

He was two floors above her but she took the stairs, cautiously listening before turning the corner between floors. Thankfully, it was silent; apparently the parties were somewhere else tonight, even the hallway deserted as she walked, never-ending carpet empty and dulling her steps as she sidled up to the door. 

1512. She stood for a minute, heart hammering in her chest, before gathering every speck of courage; her fingers shook as she put the key in the slot. The light turned green, and, with a tiny ding, she was in.

She pushed the door open, peering curiously inside before she stepped forward, but it was just a normal room, the mirror image of hers and Ingrid’s. The walls were drab, painted a dull beige and decorated by inoffensive pastoral photographs that contrasted with the emerald carpet under her toes. There were two beds, one covered in clothes and a familiar red-and-gold jersey, facing a large flat screen. It was almost exactly the same as her room. The only notable difference was standing in front of the window, phone to his ear; however, he obviously wasn’t focused on the conversation, not with the way his mouth hung open, gaping at her.

She waved, and her awkward hands closed the door behind her.

“Hey, yeah.” Colt spoke into the phone, rushed, low. “Ok.. Listen, I gotta-I gotta go… Yeah, yeah. Ok. Bye.” He turned to her but his phone rang almost immediately, shrill tone cutting the silence of the room; with an annoyed glance, he hit some buttons, randomly, and the phone went flying as he kept his eyes trained on her.

She stepped forward, letting out the breath it seemed she had held since she left her room. “Hi.”

“Hi.” The smirk was back, surprise all but gone as he watched her pad into the room. “Fancy seeing you here.”

“Again,” she ground out, “you invited me.”

“I’m glad you took me up on the invitation.”

She dropped her purse on the bed that held the familiar uniform. “I was studying but got bored.”

“Ouch. You wound me.” She felt the sarcasm dripping from his words. “Had I known I was just a way to pass the time, I wouldn’t have given you a key.”

“You would have.”

“Maybe.” He stepped closer, smirk never wavering. “You come to give me my prize?”

“Your… your what?”

He crossed his arms over his chest. “I thought you were gonna give me a kiss if we won Nationals.”

“Excuse me?” she scoffed, mouth dropping open. “You haven’t won anything yet.”

“But we will. We’re 2-to-1 favorites. It would take a catastrophe for us to lose.”

Ellie knew all of this. She had been reading up on the playoffs and the predictions and the certain specific players whose breakout sophomore year included a 30 point victory when she was too focused on thermodynamic driving force to even notice the game unfolding. “Well, you haven’t won yet.”

“We will.”

“You just want me to kiss you.”

“Obviously.” He blinked and the warmth in his eyes softened, minutely, so subtly that she would have missed it had he not been merely a breath away. “You can call it a loan.” He blinked at her underneath lush lashes.

“A loan? Really,” she sneered, stepping even closer to watch his eyes zero in on her lips.

“Sure. I’m good for it.”

She trailed her nails through his hair before pulling him closer. “I charge interest.”

“Of course you do.” She could feel the words across the bow of her lips and then, finally, they were kissing, his hands skating down her back to cup the curve of her ass. He pulled back, smirking. “You didn’t wear the skirt.”

“Is that all you think about?”

“Oh, no.” The next instant, his hands cradled her thighs, and she was up, weightless in the air before falling onto the stiff hotel blanket. She had to smile; the bed under her was still made, sheets at sharp lines and right angles, but the boy above her was anything but proper, eyes wild, lips curving in devious intent as he stared down at her. “I think about a lot of things.”

“Like what?”

“How you look out of these clothes.” He ducked his head so his teeth found her neck. “How it sounds when you say my name.” His mouth trailed higher, and he reached down to trace a determined hand up her inner thigh. “How you fucking feel when I-”

Her hands found the solid muscle of his chest and she pushed, hard, straddling his hips when he landed flat on his back. “Are you always so mouthy?”

She immediately realized her mistake when he opened his mouth, laugh lines dimpling his face, and immediately closed it again.

“I mean…”

“I feel like you’re setting me up.”

“Ugh. Is there any way to shut you up?” 

“Multiple,” he laughed and pulled her down, meeting her lips with teeth and tongue until she rolled her hips reflexively; he only bit deeper divots into plush skin, tightening the hand on her thigh so she felt every single digit digging through her jeans deep into her thigh. Her fingers found the hem of his t-shirt, pulling roughly up to expose tight muscles too sculpted to be real. He wasn’t huge or beefy, but every inch of skin lay upon corded muscles, abs clearly defined as her fingers traced them inch-by-inch. “You admiring the view or something?” he sassed.

“You are so... fucking… annoying.”

He laughed, eyes shining, and returned the favor, throwing her shirt across the room, bra quickly following as callused fingers tweaked a nipple. “Come here, come here,” he all but commanded and she could only comply, meeting his mouth for a kiss that ended any lingering doubts in her mind. She was draped over him, nipples peaking as they grazed over the planes of his chest, and sparks burned their way up her spine.

He popped the button of her jeans, one-handed, and she broke the kiss to wriggle out of the rest of her clothes, grinding her hips. She felt the thick line of his cock through his shorts, right where she was boiling hot, and his choked off moan let her know that he could feel every single movement.

She felt frantic, weightless, desperate. She could only kiss him, furiously, as he shimmied the rest of his clothes off. He was so warm under her, skin laid bare underneath her as his hands drew sigils of fire down her thighs, up her back. She couldn’t have stopped if she wanted to, her plans of studying, her common sense, her mind completely gone as she lifted her hips, a quick pivot, and then she was sliding down as he moaned into her mouth.

“Oh fuck, you feel-” The curse was bitten off, thickly rolling from his tongue, but the note of praise was there, awe seeping into his voice. His hands grasped at her hips, holding her in place as his chest heaved as if he had just gone rounds on the court. “Goddamn.”

She rocked her hips tightly, solely to see the flash of pure pleasure fly across his features. Hell, he felt good, just as good as three weeks ago, hiding in a tiny locker room shower stall. But here, they didn’t have to hide, and she was free to slide up and down his length with abandon, moving her hips so it hit the exact right spot inside her. Her toes curled.

He traced a hand down her stomach before it ducked into her folds. The praise continued. “Ellie, fuck, you look so amazing riding me, fuck.” His thumb drew circles around her clit and she fell forward, barely catching herself as shivers started up and down her spine. “You feel so fucking incredible, God-” he breathed, eyes trained on where their bodies came together, heat of his eyes burning through her core. 

She could barely hold herself up, nails digging crescents into his chest, and she was sure that the red marks in the tight muscles would last until his quarterfinal match. She hoped he would feel them on the court, a distracting ache when he was taking a shot or blocking a pass. Her hips moved faster. “Colt, fuck, Colt, I need-”

He surged off the bed to pull her closer with a weighty palm curving at the small of her back, rocking up into her with abandon. It took three more thrusts, hips slamming together once more as he found that spot inside her, and the room exploded, her body quaking as she fell apart, clinging to his shoulders, the only solid thing in a room where everything was moving and shaking in pleasure so strong that she had to close her eyes lest the wave carry her away.

She slid onto the bed, limbs weak. Or perhaps she was on top of Colt? It was hard to tell as the world got hazy. Everything-her mind, her limbs, her sense of time passing-everything was wrapped in fragile gauze, warm and light. 

She should return to her room... but her limbs wouldn’t work, muscles laden and slow. It was easier to just lay here, just for a minute. Maybe it was the sex, but she felt good, relaxed, at ease.

She had seriously planned on reviewing the Heisenberg uncertainty principle again.

She was going to.

She was totally going to head back.

But after they showered together, where Colt had proven his absolute inability to keep his hands to himself and used soap-slick arms to ease her onto the floor, water raining over his head as his tongue drew shapes that made her legs tremble, and after they fell into bed, wrapped in plush towels that quickly found their way to the carpet as her fingers clamped onto the headboard and his hips drove into hers so quickly that she lost her voice, barely able to push air from her lungs as he moved just so, just right to make light flare behind closed eyelids, after, well, it was all hazy. 

She had planned on returning to her room.

She had.

But somehow, she was sprawled over him, limbs heavy with exhaustion, and nose digging into his chest. Every breath smelled like nondescript hotel soap, clean scent utterly at odds with the dirty deeds this room had seen. His hands traced down her spine as she murmured into his skin. “Who were you on the phone with?”

“Hmm?“

“Earlier. When I came in.”

“Oh. My mom,” he said sheepishly. “She wanted to come watch the games, but she had to work.”

“Aw, are you a momma’s boy?”

“What?!? I would definitely not say that.”

“I bet she had her hands full with you.”

“She’s the reason I play ball; she’s the one that got me into it.”

“Really?”

“She was desperate for something to get my aggression out, give me something to do. She also thought I needed practice working with others, being part of a team, some shit like that. Soccer? Fucking boring. I was downright brutal in football. In hockey, I once tried to slice someone with the edge of my skate and you definitely don’t want to see me with a baseball bat. Basketball just seemed to fit.”

“She’s probably proud of you.”

“Ha. I doubt that very much.” He rolled his eyes. “How about you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Your family.”

She looked out the window at the moon, crawling through the sky. “Hmm... It’s only me and my dad. My mom died when I was 13, so it’s been only the two of us forever. He’s a little... overprotective.”

“What do you mean?” His hand started running comforting circles around her shoulder blades; she edged closer.

“You know, typical story. Only daughter. He had a lot of trouble letting go. He’s a detective too, LAPD,  so he was always petrified I would end up on one of those unsolved crime channels.”

“Daughter of a cop, eh?”

“Yeah,” she sighed, glancing up at him. “So that made it worse. He barely gave me any freedom, and I decided I would get away as far as I could.”

“You sure attending the best college in the US didn’t have something to do with it?”

“Well... that too.”

“I didn’t know you’re from LA.”

“Yeah, born and raised.”

“Hmm...I wonder if your dad ever ran into my Pops,” he scoffed. “They run in... similar circles, I’m sure.”

“What… are you from LA?”

“Originally, but my mom moved me out East before I started high school.”

“And your dad is still there?”

“I think.” Colt looked away. “He hasn’t spoken to me in years.”

“Ouch.” 

“I hate him.” She watched his eyes shutter; unbidden, her hand ran through his damp hair. “I almost dropped out last year.”

“Of college?!?”

He shrugged.

“Why?”

He inhaled through his nose, hard, exhale ruffling the strands of her hair making their way over his sculpted chest. “I had this grand plan to leave school, take my bike to LA, confront my dad, work my way into the family business, rule the world.”

“But… you have school, basketball.”

“I know… but I wanted...” 

The silence hung heavy enough for Ellie’s heart to hurt. “What happened?”

“My mom caught on, lit into me, said I was risking my future to be like my dad and tool on cars the rest of my life.”

“He’s a mechanic?”

“Well... something like that. Owns a garage in Gramercy Park.”

“You don’t seem like you like cars that much.”

“I don’t.”  He wiggled his eyebrows. “But I’m fucking fantastic with my hands. Want me to show you?” He rolled over to slide on top of her, running those talented hands down her sides, lower, and time passed and the haze in her brain intensified.

.

“She was actually my competition. My best friend is still out west at school and, when we realized we would go to the same school, she kinda... took me under her wing. I was... sheltered before that.” She was fully on top of him-how did that happen?- running her nails through his hair, his scalp, while he mewled underneath her. They both still weren’t wearing clothes. It was late, or early, moon still passing through the sky. She needed to go back to her room but, when his hand cradled her hips, she really couldn’t bring herself to move.

“You don’t seem that sheltered.”

“Well, not anymore. Ingrid helped me come out of my shell, make me realize that I could have a life besides studying. She even got me into cheer.”

“Wait, how long have you been cheering?”

“A little over a year. I started senior year of high school.”

“Wow,” he rumbled, moaning when her nails grazed behind his ears. “I would have thought it would have been longer.”

She hit the spot again and his moan got louder. “Colt?”

“Hmm.”

She slid lower, catching him right where his cock was stiffening underneath her. She circled her hips, a slow grind, a catch of breath, and then she was sliding down again, guttural whimper making its way through her lips. “I’m done talking.”

.

They dozed. She slept, she thought she did at least, but she was startled awake when she rolled over into him; then her hands tracing over the defined muscles of his chest woke him up, and suddenly she was on her back. Time shifted, bent, and she had no idea what time it was or what day it was, but then it didn’t even matter. His tongue flicked and it must have been something, diabolical sorcery or criminal mischief or something, because the next thing she knew, she was flying, screaming, the world ending around her in a blaze of sparks and light, gripping his hair so tightly that it must have ached, must have hurt him because it hurt her, her hand fisted into silken strands but she couldn’t let go, she had to hold on to something, some anchor, some piece of solid ground, while the world broke apart into shards.

.

Did they sleep? She had no idea.

She only knew she couldn’t catch her breath.

Her fingers tangled at the back of his head. She pulled lightly, but his lips didn’t budge from a patch of skin at her collarbone. “My uniform-oh God- my uniform won’t cover that.”

Finally, he sat back, eyes trained on the tender mark, the result of lips and teeth and white hot pleasure. “Good,” he rasped, eyes scorching as he looked down her bare body. With a smirk, he went lower, teeth delivering a love bite to her thigh. “How about here? I think that skirt is shorter than this.”

“Ugh… higher.” She pulled his head up higher, and his tongue traced up her thigh. “No, higher.” She could barely reach his jaw, fingertips struggling, pulling him up. “Colt, higher, please.” And when his tongue finally reached where she needed it, her hand flew to her mouth to cover the high whine and time stopped.

.

It was too late. She blinked. What day...was that the sunrise? She sat up, peering through the windows at an ominous purpling of the sky.

“Mmpf.” He rolled over to paw at a hip, pulling her back against him. “C’mon, stay.”

She glanced between the door and the sport on his cheekbone where his eyelashes fluttered. “What about your roommate?”

“No roommate.” His arm tightened around her waist, warm and solid. “Just stay.”

She swung her legs onto the bed and settled against his chest. “How did you swing that?”

“Incident. Last year. I told...” His voice dropped, heavy with sleep; it rumbled through her back, into her lungs. “Gonna throw ‘em out the window…” he yawned. Their legs tangled. She waited for the rest of the story but it apparently wasn’t coming; when she peered over her shoulder, his lashes were heavy against his cheek, jaw slack, breath regular and low. Her muscles slowly relaxed and, against her better judgement, she pulled the sheet closer. I’ll wait until he’s asleep. She knew how hookups with basketball players went; she wasn’t dumb. Just until he falls asleep….then I’ll sneak out. I’ll just rest a minute and then go. She closed her eyes.

When she opened them again, the sun was high in the sky.

“Crap!” She shouted, sitting up.

Colt jolted up next to her, arms flailing. “What? What happened?”

“It’s morning. It’s…” She glanced at the clock. “Oh my god, it’s one in the afternoon!”

“Umm… ok?”

She jumped out of bed, cursing again when her shin hit the nightstand. “I have to go. My roommate... Ingrid’s gonna freak out.” She raced to her purse to grab her phone, shoulders dropping at the seventeen messages and six missed calls. “Ingrid already freaked out.”

“Then stay.” He settled back into bed, rubbing a hand over his face. “Tell her you’re fine and come back to bed.”

She paused, covertly studying him out of the corner of her eye while her fingers hovered over the phone screen. Basketball players weren’t exactly the ‘breakfast the next morning’ type. “I have to be at the arena in an hour; we’re playing the afternoon game today.”

“There you go; enough time for room service.”

She blinked. She couldn’t think of a reason to leave and, besides, his bed was comfortable. “... fine.” She texted Ingrid while Colt called in the order, ignoring the resulting three blaring phone notifications as she slid back into bed.

“Room service will be here in thirty.” He pulled her against his chest, hand sliding down her back to rest lightly on the curve of her ass. “You know what that’s just enough time for?”

She raised her eyebrows and retorted, “A shower?”

“That’s exactly what I was thinking.” Ellie giggled as he hoisted her over his shoulder to cart her to the bathroom.

As the hotel staff learned, thirty minutes was not enough time for a shower. It was enough time to memorize how her hands looked, scrambling against the bathroom tile. It was enough time to catalogue every sound from his throat. It was enough time to fall apart, to shake into pieces, and forget everything except the way his body perfectly molded to hers. 

She was 20 minutes late to warm-ups and, despite Ingrid’s incredulous expression, she couldn’t quite bring herself to care.

.

Tags

Perma @desireepow-1986 @leelee10898 @emichelle @client-327 @choicesgremlin @brightpinkpeppercorn @thequeenofcronuts @lilyofchoices @choicesarehard

ROD @omgjasminesimone @mskaneko @lovemychoices @burnsoslow

Colt

@deimosensblog @alegria1580   @thefarrari @moonlit-girl-wonder @going-down-downtown@soniadotalves@jolietmaraud @flowerpowell@poeticscolt @zaira-oh-zaira @akrenich @sibella-plays-choices​  @maxwellsquidsuit  @liamzigmichael4ever​ @octobereighth @i-only-signed-up-for-fanfiction

[project-rebirth]

Prologue: Look What I Found Under This Big Rock – OP.“Apocrypha”

She was dead. It was 3PM on December 25 and Shirai Kuroko, a 1st year middle school girl with chestnut twintails and wearing nothing but a purple negligee, lay collapsed and unmoving on her bed in a Tokiwadai Middle School student dorm. She was completely dead.

As dead as a jellyfish rotting on the beach.

“Onwee-shama…still hasn’t come home…”

Yes.

Her roommate Misaka Mikoto had yet to return after being sent to the hospital after the injuries she had received just a few days prior to the Violent Violet incident (Even though the injuries she sustained were relatively minor in comparison to some others who were caught up in it), but knowing her, the attractive Onee-sama was off enjoying herself elsewhere on Christmas and her cute underclassman had failed to board Noah’s Ark in time. She may have been sent to a deserted island all on her own. Shirai Kuroko had been tragically rejected. And it hurt all the more because she knew there was no ill will behind it.

She did not even have it in her to flail around in frustration. A monotone ringtone played from the phone she had left by her pillow, so she reached out with her face still down in the pillow and spoke in a deep, zombie-like voice.

“Uwehhhh? A joint manhunt with Anti-Skill?”

“They’re apparently planning a major arrest. And isn’t that kind of violence your favorite thing, Shirai-san? The adults are actually offering to let you run wild for once, so you should probably take them up on it.”

Judgment apparently had a lot of work piled up even on Christmas.

She briefly considered resorting to pretending she was in too much pain to get out of bed due to being on her purple period which would curse you unless you forgot it existed before you turned 20…but then she had a different idea.

Yes.

If there was going to be some major incident happening, wouldn’t Misaka Mikoto be more liable to show up?

She leaped out of bed, fixed her mussed-up hair, and hurriedly responded.

“Understood, Uiharu!! I will be there right away! Where is ‘there’, by the way!?”

Tokiwadai forced impeccable behavior on its students, so the dorms were strictly locked down around Christmas, but work for Judgment was an exception. This was Shirai Kuroko’s first Tokiwadai Christmas, but she managed to strut right past the dorm manager and out the supposedly impregnable front entrance in her winter uniform and a very long scarf.

“Now, then.”

She let out a breath and vanished into thin air.

She was a Level 4 Teleporter.

She could only teleport things a distance of 81.5m at once and she could only teleport a weight of 130.74kg at once, but by repeatedly teleporting herself, she could move at speeds greater than a racecar. All while circumventing the restrictions of the asphalt roads.

The safety of District 7 could vary a lot depending on the area, but she made her way to one of the less safe areas. There was decidedly unartistic graffiti spray painted on the walls and presumably stolen and abandoned bicycles were lying all around. There were no Christmas decorations in evidence.

A habit instilled in her by her job(?) took over and she photographed the registration sticker on the underside of the bike seats.

“Is this the place?” she asked over the phone.

“An Anti-Skill truck should be parked nearby, so go find them. I’m busy with my own work, so I unfortunately won’t be able to join you. …Eh? Oh, what is it? Ehhh!? You want me to turn all this into an automated processing flowchart today!?”

After some sounds of a struggle, the call ended.

(I guess I have to do this.)

Being out and about gave her more of a chance to run across her beloved Onee-sama, Misaka Mikoto, than lying dead on her dorm room bed. Especially when there was trouble afoot. Her motivation was impure as could be, but she hoped they would forgive her if she could restore order to the city while she was at it.

She knocked on the door of a large steel truck that looked like a windowless bus and the door opened from the inside.

It was larger than a van, but it actually felt cramped on the inside. Both walls were crammed full of industrial computers and the excess space was piled high with boxes of weapons and ammo. There were no ordinary lights, so the glow of monitors and heat of machines filled the limited space. This was apparently a logistics vehicle that handled data control and materiel provision more than transporting people.

(And this is only the backup. Does that mean they have more personnel deployed than would fit in one bus?)

She looked skeptical. Anti-Skill was the grownup organization that preserved order in Academy City. In terms of the world outside the city, they were similar to the police. She knew they were a highly organized group of volunteer teachers, but this appeared to be a largescale job even for them. Just think about it. How many police officers would be needed to chase down a single robber escaping through the streets? It would be unusual to find that not even 30 was enough.

“Excuse me, but you requested my presence here. I am Shirai Kuroko of Judgment. If this major arrest required calling me in, does it involve an esper?”

They were not as polite as a phone shop’s receptionist. First, her voice was absorbed by silence and a few sharp glances turned her way after a bit. “The customer is always right” did not apply with civil servants. Plus, Shirai was not actually a customer. Finally, a nearby woman, who appeared to be an operator, spoke up.

She curtly gestured further back in the truck with her chin.

“You’re working with her.”

That seemed awfully cold after Shirai had gone out of her way to name herself and express her enthusiasm for the job, but she accepted it since she had seen some girls in her class who tried and failed to play the tsundere like that. Then she looked over in the indicated direction.

Much to her surprise, the person that she was to  work with did not look like your typical anti-skill officer based on the clothes they were wearing as well as the apparent age of the person.

She appeared to be a girl who looked around the age where she was in her last year of high school or starting her first year of university, though if she played her cards right, she looked like she could be any age. The girl had light purple hair, brown eyes and looked like she was wearing an old school uniform that surprisingly still fit her well. She  was sitting at the table with a laptop, seemingly engrossed in whatever she was looking at.

“.....”

For some reason, Shirai was under the impression that she gave off the air of a NEET or some kind of shut in, And just when she had that though, the NEET girl turned her head towards Shirai.

“Hm? Oh, you’re that girl I’m working with.... Shiroko was it?”

“...Shirai Kuroko. I am from Judgement. You don’t look like you’re from Anti-Skill... who are you?”

“Ah, that’s right. I suppose I don’t seem like your common law enforcement officer do I? My name is Kihara Jikan. I’m a special researcher that’s been recruited by the Governing Board to help Anti-Skill with the large operation that’s taking place.”

Shirai raised an eyebrow. She was familiar with the name Kihara and how that family of scientists were responsible for all sorts of atrocities. The likes of Kihara Gensei and Therestina Kihara Lifeline comes to mind. But there was a chance that Jikan was not involved in anything like that,, so she had to refrain from judging her for now.

“So, what is this operation we are participating in? Are we finally arresting MINUS?”

“To be clear, you can’t let anyone know about this. Because we live in an age where people will do just about anything to get material for an online video or social media post. Unfortunately however, it’s not MINUS. You see, in recent times, dangerous individuals and organizations from the Outside have infiltrated Academy City. The governing board has finally had enough and decided to do something about it, hence why we’re both here. Welcome to Operation Apocrypha Shirai-san.”

Infiltrators from the outside? Shirai knew there were instances of people breaching Academy City’s security and entering, but she did not know it was on a scale like this, especially something that warranted the full resources of Anti-Skill and Judgement.

And based on Jikan’s tone, Shirai could tell that this was a situation that took precedence over MINUS, who had gone rather quiet after the District 19 incident.

“These invaders are not espers or anything we are used to dealing with. These people and organizations operate on laws and concepts that are completely out of our current understanding, but thanks to the OUTRANK list that we got from the anonymous source called The Guardian, we know who is in this city and what we can expect when we engage them.”

Jikan shifted her laptop so Shirai could see before moving from a tab that had some stuff regarding research into Multi-Universe Theory and Temporal Quantum Mechanics before moving to a tab that held a really long list of names of organizations and their members, as well as some other names who were not really affiliated with any particular organization.

Shirai looked at the names and gave it a read through. She had never heard of these people or groups before, however she was more astonished by the number of them listed. These people were really in Academy City?

“Hamanchi Eggoko, Lea Alecto, Rosimontis The Purger, The Wild Horse... are these people seriously in Academy City?”

“OUTRANK doesn’t lie I’m afraid. Those people are either already in Academy City, or is expected to come here. Lea Alecto and Rosimontis The Purger are big enough threats on their own, several members of an organization known as The X has been spotted in this city including the one named Shinpachi Oni, the Wild Horse. Oh, and the names you listed are all Harmfuls. They are the ones you should be careful of.”

“Harmfuls..?”

“Yes. You see, we have a category system that separates the very dangerous elements from the less dangerous elements. The names you went over are all in the Harmful category, while others have been placed into the Beneficial category. It’s to know who we need to use the proper amount of force against really.”

Academy City was under attack.

Many hostile individuals and organizations were in the city illegally and were most likely here for some nefarious purpose. Looking at the organization called The X, as well as some of the others, there was great concern to be had for the security and safety of the city and its residents,but there were a lot of it that seemed unbelievable, at least on paper.

But then there was a thought that came to Shirai, something that should be asked now.

“I do have a question. Why is it that these third parties are entering the city in the quantity that they have? Is this a coordinated effort between the groups, or is there something here that they are looking for?”

“It’s hard to say whether or not the groups are working together, but based on what we have gotten, they seem to be mostly operating on their own. As for the second point, we believe that they are after some kind of experimental device that I can’t get into, but it’s imperative that none of them get their hands on it. Academy City tech can’t fall into the hands of outsiders.”

“So, does that answer your questions for now? We are expected to apprehend Bazuko, one of the members of X soon so we can find out what the organization is really doing here as well as to give us the locations of the rest of their members, so I hope you are ready for some action, Shirai.”

This was a citywide sweep of forces from the Outside. Shirai had heard a few things about something called the Third Side or Cosmic Side being talked about on internet forums (the only reason she knows about it is because Saten Ruiko told her) but she could not give any clear definition of what the cosmic side was really supposed to be. It felt like a fictional thing spoken of only in rumors. Like a few separate incidents had appeared connected by coincidence, creating the illusion of something larger there. Yet it was all too ominous to just laugh it off in that way.

But this sounded exactly like something her Onee-sama would get involved in. If these Cosmic Siders or whatever was going to be causing problems on a scale like this, then it was only a matter of time before Mikoto threw herself into the fray. She was heavily involved in that last incident, so it was only natrual that she would appear somewhere down the line.

With that possibility filling her mind, Shirai Kuroko was ready to engage the enemy with more vigor than she normally would have.

“Then let’s do our best to stop the criminals that are infiltrating our city!”

Start: Operation_Apocrypha

@tetsuwan-atom​ @lawain-dimensional-heroes​ @xbloodsoakedx​

[stellar-kinematics]

rules: answer 10 questions, then write 10 for the people you tag to answer!

@cosmoslaur‘s questions

1. what did you want to be when you were a child?

I had no idea, I never could answer this question as a kid. 

2. describe your favourite teacher

I really know way to much about my professors that this could be so long but here’s a short description. I took like 5 classes from him and they were all great. But probably why he’s my favorite is every night before he went home for the day (which was often past 10 pm), he would stop by our student room and say ‘last call’ for us to get help from any question normally not from the classes he was teaching. We all would go to him for help or just conversation about any topic. 

3. if you could speak any language which would it be? why?

I know some French but I haven’t used it in several years, but I’d want to know French because I want to live in a French speaking country one day.

4. what colours do you associate with your classes?

For last semester this is what I did with my muji notebook set that has limited colors but I buy every semester

Yellow - macroeconomics (I normally use yellow for the class that I don’t really care about)

Navy - general relativity (I normally use navy as my astro related class)

Red - quantum mechanics 2 (I thought red would be better for classical but my quantum 1 was red so I wanted to be consistent)

Dark gray - classical mechanics

Light gray - research

5. what’s something that really annoys you?

When roommates leave their dishes in the sink/don’t clean up after themselves. But I’m moving in 2 days so I won’t have to worry about that anymore.

6. what’s the best part of your classes?

Honestly the chalkboards, like my favorite thing is just showing up to class and just seeing physics problems and derivations being done on the chalkboard. 

7. what’s the worst part of your classes?

I hate when other students are talking in class and they are just trying to sound smart but nothing they are saying is productive. Like some people just feel the need to talk when they have nothing to say and it’s really disruptive to the class. 

8. how many languages can you say ‘hello’ in?

Maybe like 5

9. do you write in pen or pencil?

In class and homework I always write in pencil, because I can easily fix mistakes. But in my notebooks and notes to myself I always use pen since I don’t care if it’s messy. I do like the feel of writing in pen better but I mess up my class notes way to much to not use pencil.

10. what’s the worst book you’ve ever read?

I hate Moby Dick. I had to read it senior year of high school and I don’t know why that much detail about whale anatomy was necessary. 

my questions for @photosandsomewords @thephysicistgirl @luminous-studiess or anyone else that wants to answer!!

1. what was your favorite class you took this year?

2. what is one goal you have for this month?

3. what do you like to snack on at night? 

4. what is one piece of clothing that you wear most often?

5. do you like hard cover or paper back books better?

6. if you had to repaint your room, what color would you choose?

7. what is one hobby you have that people might not know about?

8. what is your the best place you visited?

9. do you prefer typing or handwriting?

10. what are your favorite pens?

[darkmindsthinktwistedthoughts]

My Sweet Hero

Thanks to @a-shout-to-the-void and @xathia-89 for beta reading this for me. I hope you all enjoy this slice of life Modern AU, school Sasuke. 

Warnings: Adorable School nerd, strong language, some appearances form U/T crew and a cameo from a Prickle Puff.

Masterlist

---

My Sweet Hero

This time of year was always one of those you either loved or hated. It was filled with so many words of love and candy you’d think the world around you had been sugar coated. Every year it was the same for him. He didn’t mind the loved-up couples or the fact their displays of love declaration were everywhere. He was actually a romantic at heart. No, what he felt was a pang of jealousy every year as he watched while others enjoyed the day and he remained in his classroom surrounded by textbooks and research.

There was a school open day planned in two days and some of the classes had decided to do Valentine’s day themed events. Couples signed up to take part in everything from scavenger hunts to locked room puzzles. There was even a race where you had obstacles and things too, “Test the strength of your love”. It all looked very nice and he felt warm looking at all the happy smiling faces of the people around him, even if he was envious at their ability to effortlessly interact with each other. What would I be like to be part of the crowd for once?

“Earth to Sasuke… Hello?” A loud and familiar voice came rushing up from behind him as he walked up the hill to the school gates.

“Mm? Oh, Yukimura good morning.”

“Morning. I’ve been calling you since you got off the bus you know?” Yukimura fell in line next to him adjusting his backpack on his shoulder.

“Sorry I was thinking about something.”

“Yeah? It wasn’t some of your weird mad scientist stuff was it?” Yukimura asked tilting his head a little to look at Sasuke a little closer.

“Theoretical Time Travel and Quantum Mechanics is not Mad Scientist stuff.” Sasuke’s familiar flat response resulted in a wry smile from his friend. They weren’t the most likely of friends but against the odds of basically every stereotype, they were best friends.

“That is exactly what a mad scientist would say.” Yuki chuckled a little as he teased before going bug eyes and jumping behind Sasuke. “Oh, crap.”

“What is it?” Sasuke looked around instinctively failing to see a threat.

“It’s that girl from class 4.” Yukimura looked comical as he poked his head out from behind Sasuke’s back to point out a girl in uniform walking with her friends a little ahead of them.

“You’re right it certainly looks like her.”

“No, you Dummy I mean… God, after school yesterday she cornered me as I was leaving. Girls are so damn scary.” Sasuke could tell Yukimura was turning red. It was something he did regularly. He was probably red to the tips of his ears right now.

“Cornered you?”

“Yeah for a love confession.”

“I see…” Sasuke returned to looking at the girl walking in front.

“Hey! What’s with that reaction? I’m not bad looking you know?” Clearly, Sasuke’s lack of response had struck a chord with Yukimura who had gone a little defensive.

“I never said you were. But I am however curious. I take the fact that you are attempting to hide means you turned her down?” Sasuke stopped walking causing Yukimura to lightly thump into his back.

“N-not exactly.” Yukimura became very interested in adjusting the strap on his bag when Sasuke turned to look at him.

“No?”

“I kinda freaked out and called her an idiot and she ran away in tears. I hate it when girls cry.” Yukimura raised his head. His face was indeed red and his eyes looked a little like he was totally bewildered. Perhaps this is why we are friends? I find it difficult to do standard social interactions with almost everyone and you struggle with anything that involves the opposite gender.

“If you hate it so much, I would suggest you pay closer attention to the many ways of making a girl happy that I’ve been trying to teach you for years Yuki.” The deep calming voice of a friendly Senior chimed into the private conversation. Shingen was usually surrounded by girls no matter what time of year it was.

“Gross I’m not saying any of that stuff.” Yukimura scrunched up his face at the idea of imitating any of Shingen’s dramatic performances.

“Agreed. I admit you have technique Shingen but why you have to be so vomit-inducing with it is beyond me.” The icy tones of another familiar Senior joined them.

“Morning Shingen… Kenshin.” Sasuke gave a polite nod as they continued to the gates as a group.

“Morning.”

---

On his way to the science block, Sasuke noticed a brightly coloured display outside the art department. “Wall of love”. Drawing closer to it out of curiosity he managed to read the notice pinned next to it. “Declare your love, admiration and appreciation here. Total anonymity. To shy to tell your crush you like them? Not a problem. Pin your messages here or post your notes in the box provided and we shall play Cupid and pass on your anonymous admirations.”

“Ridiculous isn’t it?” The gruff and tired voice of someone spoke up from next to him.

“Morning Ieyasu. It’s… different.”

“Waste of time.” Ieyasu poked one of the paper flowers on the display with his finger as he spoke. “But I suppose this is better than having someone come up to you randomly and disturbing your day with mindless love confessions. You using the particle simulator today?” One of the benefits of being part of this school was its affiliation to the University which meant students could access equipment usually unavailable. There was however usually a big waiting list, and today it was Sasuke’s turn to use the machine.

“Mm…Oh! yes.”

“Well try not to break it. See ya.” Ieyasu’s switch from casual conversation to business was fast. Without waiting for a reply, he stalked off towards the labs.

---

Lunchtime came around all to fast. The phrase time flies when you’re having fun came to mind and made him chuckle as he looked over his latest calculations to try to prove his theory on the ability to time travel. He was lucky if he was honest, the professors all supported him with his research as long as his other studies didn’t suffer. Thankfully his grades maintained their steady average in the 90% margin so he was free to do whatever he wished. One day I’ll crack this I just have to figure out a few more things. The bell sounded throughout the campus for break time and when he went to his locker to retrieve his packed lunch something small fluttered from on top of it. What is that?... Huh!?

After picking up the fallen item he noticed it was an envelope with heart washi tape on it. Was this one of those anonymous notes? Surely not. Much more likely its one of those guys pulling a prank again. The memory of a few years ago at the winter formal made him shudder. Being told to go outside as a girl was asking for him by name, to be bombarded by a barrage of snowballs and have them all laugh at him for being such a nerd. I’m not falling for the same prank twice. I might be a Nerd but I’m not an idiot.

Quickly stuffing the note into his pocket and grabbing his food bag, he made his way to the playing fields where he always met Yukimura for lunch. It was far enough from the main campus benches that they could always grab a seat. Also, Yukimura was a member of nearly every school sports team so it was handy for him to grab food near where he was busy working. He wasn’t there when he arrived so deciding to just set up his meal.

“Hey man sorry, I’m a bit late.” Yukimura jogged up, his hair still slightly damp from having a shower after last period.

“No problem. I wasn’t waiting long anyway.” Sasuke put his jacket down next to him and the “love note” fell out of his pocket landing at Yukimura’s feet.

“Hey what’s this?” Yukimura bent down to retrieve it flipping it over in his hand looking at it as if it might be some sort of weapon. You never knew with Sasuke. Last Halloween he remembered his friend dressing up as a ninja and throwing something that filled the whole house with smoke. His parents were not amused at all.

“I don’t know it was in my locker when I went to get my lunch. It’s probably a prank.” Sasuke shrugged as he took a bite from one of his sandwiches.

“Oh yeah? Well if it is, I’ll go and smack a few skulls together.” Yukimura handed back over the note and punched his fist into the palm of his other hand as he made his declaration.

“I’ll help.” Kenshin drifted into the conversation like a cold north wind. He was so silent at times when he moved, so graceful. Was that from the training he did as head of the fencing team or was that just natural?

“You two are always so quick to jump into a fight.” Shingen sighed as he lowered himself to the grass and reclined on it. The sight of his lunchbox being nearly completely only one filled with deserts had Yukimura pulling a face.

“Hey! I’m not as bad as he is.” Yukimura protested as he split up some of his own lunch and swapped it with some of the sweets from Shingen. Shingen didn’t bother to protest, they had been family friends and neighbour for long enough this was just a normal interaction for them now.

“Thank you both of you but I really don’t think its anything to worry that much over.” Sasuke said as he took a mouthful of chilled water from his bottle.

“And what if it isn’t a prank? Oh, I can see it now. A beauty sitting there all alone pining away clutching her chest. Her delicate little heart fluttering away as she stares out longingly from the window thinking of our own Sasuke.” Shingen was being dramatic. I guess it’s hard to turn off that great actor thing.

“Is there an intermission in this performance or are we to expect more?” Kenshin rolled his eyes as he plucked out a pickled plum from his rice and crunched it happily.

“I pity you Kenshin you have no sense of romance.”

---

By the time he looked out of the window from the science block, he could clearly see people milling around making their way home. He pulled the cuff of his shirt back and looked at his watch. Guess I got so into this I forgot about the time. I should pack up and go home.

After setting the lab back to its original state and putting his coat on the peg he trailed the familiar path back to the main gate which was when someone smacked right into him from one of the side rooms of the art department as he passed by.

“Ah!”

“Oh my god! I am so sorry. I didn’t see you and… oh no!” The soft chime-like voice of a girl addressed him as her bag tumbled from her grip sending its contents scattering all over the ground.

“It’s alright. Are you ok? Here let me help you.” Sasuke didn’t even pause before he had made his offer of assistance and was gathering all the fallen items for her.

“Y-yes…. err… thank you. God, I’m so sorry. I’m such a klutz.” She was clearly flustered. “I think that’s it all.” She placed the last of her notebooks back into her bag and gave him an embarrassed smile. Do I know her?

“Oh, wait is this yours too?” Sasuke bent to retrieve something that had rolled a little further away. His hand stopped slightly as he realised what he was holding. No way. It couldn’t be, could it? It's exactly like the tape on that note I got. But its common enough that girls these days have washi tape it could be unrelated.

“Ah! Oh yeah… thanks.” She gratefully took the tape and bowed to him. “I’m really so, so sorry.”

“It’s alright there was no harm done. As long as you are ok that is all that matters.” Her cute reaction and sincerity actually made him feel a little flustered.

“You really… you’re very sweet Sasuke. Oh! I gotta run sorry I’m gonna miss my bus! Thanks again, bye!” She snapped up with the brightest smile beaming on her face and turned on her heel and started to run. Did I tell her my name?

---

Curiosity is the foundation of his scientific exploration. Well, that and his desire to travel in time and see history with his own two eyes. He put his hand in his pocket and his fingers grazed over the edges of something, pulling it free he realised it was that note again. I wonder. Breaking the seal of the washi tape he saw the small delicate writing on the pale green paper.

“Sasuke Sarutobi. I really like you. I realise this is a long shot but even with the odds stacked against me, I cannot pass up the chance to tell you even if it is only like this. Your secret admirer.”

He stared at the paper in mild shock. Re-reading the words over and over as if he was missing something. If this is a girl. Could it be her? Don’t be ridiculous Sasuke she’s a popular girl why on earth would she notice a nerd like you? Still. Total anonymity huh?

---

It took a bit of planning but once the idea was there it was difficult to ignore it. I’ll put my own note in that box and wait for the reply then I should be able to see who it is. Sasuke thumbed the edge of his olive-green envelope as he walked the familiar route past the art department to the science block. He dropped it in the box in such a way that no one noticed, a small rush of adrenaline kicked in and now he just had to wait.

A group of kids emptied the box and began shuffling the notes like a deck of cards before dividing them up so they could be delivered. Clearly, this was a popular thing. A short time later and a familiar figure crept along looking around them shyly. She took out a note that even from this distance he could see was just like the one he first received. Before he knew it, his body was moving before his mind had even caught up to the motion and he was at her side.

“Hello MC.”

“Oh! Err… Hello Sasuke.” Her shoulders jumped as he spoke to her.

“Is that for me?”

“Huh?!” Her eyes were wide and swimming. Ok, Sasuke you could possibly have been a little less direct about that.

“Well, I would surmise from the fact you are using the same stationery as before that there is a high possibility that you are the one that wrote this note. Of course, if I am wrong and you aren’t then I am very sorry for making you jump.” Sasuke showed her the love confession he had in his pocket. She visibly froze.

“… You aren’t wrong.”

“Pardon me?” Her faint voice confirmed his thoughts and he had a moment of being unable to process thought.

“What’s with that look?” She smiled at him giggling at his reaction.

“Sorry, It’s just. I had no idea that we were acquainted enough for you to know my name. We are not only in different classes we are also in different years. And you are clearly on the more popular side of the fence.”

“I might not be as popular as you imagine.” She shuffled her feet adorably as she spoke

“And anyway, Of course, I remember the name of the guy that saved me after I transferred.”

“Saved you? Me?” Sasuke tried to go back over his memories in search of such a thing. She could have been remembering someone else.

“Yes. You.” She resigned herself to continue her explanation her smile faltering a little as she realised he had forgotten all about her. “I was completely lost looking for my class and you were in a rush but you dropped what you were doing and helped guide me to my location. I- I wanted to thank you more but… I… I’m sorry I was too nervous to approach you after that.”

“That girl that day by the gates, was you? I’m sorry I didn’t recognise you, I mean you were so…” Sasuke remembered a small new student struggling to look at a campus map in a total fluster. She… is that really her?

“Ugly?”

“I was going to say small and frightened looking. Clearly, you have settled in now and you don’t appear to be so small in fact you’ve grown up.” Sasuke cringed even he was aware of how awkward he was being.

“You talk a little like an old man.” Her laughter was a blessing to him and if it came from his own embarrassment, he would gladly embarrass himself as many times as she liked.

“My Apologises I am not exactly very familiar with socialising.”

“I see. Well, you were right the note was from me. I suppose now you know you are going to turn me, down right? I mean its how these things work.” Her shoulders slumped.

“Is it?”

“Yeah. Girl confesses, the guy isn’t interested so he turns her down…”

“What if I am interested?”

“Huh?” She looked at him as if he was some sort of totally new scientific discovery. Even he had to admit his fast response was a little shocking and it was him who said it.

“That is to say. I would like to test a theory if you’d let me?”

“You do know all theories work until put in practice then they have a failure rate.”

“Yes, depending on the experiment and its fundamentals, contributing factors that are likely to affect negative results it can be anywhere from…” Her decent back into laugher made him stop. “Oh, I’m sorry. I have been told I tend to ramble.”

“No, no sorry, I thought it was funny because it was kinda cute.” She waved her hands at him in reassurance.

“Cute?”

“Oh! Guys don’t like being called that… erm…” She was turning pink in her new fluster. She’s actually rather cute herself.

“No, If you are the one calling me that then I don’t mind.” Sasuke said softly as he drew closer to her side. “Mc?”

“Yes?”

“The open day is tomorrow and I understand it would be asking a bit too much if you wished to take part in the events but, would you consider allowing me the honour of escorting you?”

“…” She stood there, mouth hanging open totally mute.

“Did I say that wrong?” Sasuke cast his eyes down as he tried to think of a correction.

“N-no. You said it perfectly I’m sorry I thought I was being pranked.”

“That makes two of us.”

“I would love to go with you tomorrow.” Her answer washed over him like a wave of relief. I guess that means I have a date then?

“Great. I’ll see you at the main gates tomorrow then.”

---

“Hey look it’s Nerd-Suke. What are you hanging around here for don’t tell me you were waiting for someone?” A familiar school bully approached him as he stood at their meeting place. Oh great, not today, come on.

“As it happens…”

“Ha! What kind of loser would agree to…?” He rounded on Sasuke clearly enjoying himself and his easy target. This is not going to end well. Sasuke tried to remember some things Kenshin had showed him after telling him if he wanted to be safe, he would have to learn some sort of self-defence.

“Excuse me? Who are you calling a loser?” A female voice pushed past the large guy and joined Sasuke at his side.

“Huh? No way who are you?”

“My name is none of your business and if you are done with my date, I would like to have him back now.” MC took a firm grip on Sasuke’s sleeve. She was trembling a little but she was holding her ground. Mc…

“Date? Nah no way. A cutie like you should see sense and ignore him and go with me.” The bully grabbed her arm and looked her over from head to toe the smile on his face turning into one that sent a rolling rage through Sasuke’s body. “What you say- AH!”

“I believe the lady said I was her date.” Sasuke had not only removed the hand from the girl he had it twisted up the bullies back so hard that the others guys legs had buckled in order to prevent his arm being broken. “Sorry, Mc.”

“Sasuke…”

“You won’t get away with this!” The bully was released and threw out the customary threat expected as he ran from the scene. Even if I haven’t I won’t let you touch her.

“Shall we go?” Sasuke held out his hand and she gladly accepted it. Her eyes sparkling at him.

“You really are my hero.”

“I always wanted to be told that.”

---

[th0ughtfl0w]

I’m frustrated and disappointed and angry and tired and overwhelmed and I’m shutting down.  

Work is becoming tedious and soul crushing so I looked for a way out without having to quit now. Grad school, yeah. That should put me on a path to something I’m actually passionate about. My work said they would pay x amount of money per year for me to go back to school as long as I maintained a B average. Sounded simple enough.

So I got accepted to Johns Hopkins. I’m not one to brag but holy fuck is that impressive. I don’t know how I managed that. They didn’t ask for a transcript, or an interview, or any references. Damn I’m proud of that. Everything looked like it was working out. Max was hyping me up every 5 minutes because I did something so damn cool.

My first class started August 26, which happened to be a higher level class because I had already fulfilled the prerequisite through my undergrad. That already sounded like a bad idea to me because it had been more than 2 years since I’ve been in any sort of classroom setting and even longer since I’ve used most of the math in that course. But I trusted the advisor and the registrar’s decision and registered Quantum Mechanics instead of Mathematical Methods of Engineering and Physics.

4 weeks of sleepless nights, tears, stress, seemingly endless lectures, notes, questions to the professor, office hours, and incomplete homework assignments, I dropped the class. I couldn’t keep up. I didn’t understand anything I was regurgitating onto paper and I didn’t even know what questions to ask. It was too much and I couldn’t put myself through that for 12 more weeks only to maybe not get a good enough grade. I’d be completely crushed - even moreso than I am now.

Now here I am angry and disappointed in myself that I couldn’t keep up. Frustrated because no matter what help I needed, I couldn’t grasp the concepts. Overwhelmed because in the midst of all of this, my boss asked me to take on more at work than I had when I first told him I got accepted. Tired because there just absolutely were not enough hours in the day for me to do everything.

I skipped the gym probably a dozen times. I neglected myself and my mental health to push myself through this class. I neglected my friends and family and Max because I needed to get through the lectures. I neglected my living space. I neglected my pets. I neglected work because I started watching the lectures at work. This one singular class became all consuming and I couldn’t do it.

I’ve never had to drop a class before. I’ve never given up at school. I know it’s not necessarily giving up because I’m planning to take the prereq and then take it again, but it feels like quitting. Even though I don’t have anything left to give, I feel guilty for not trying harder. I feel guilty for every day I took off and every hour I spent distracted from getting shit done.

And now I’m stuck in a weird fog because I feel like I should have done more but I physically couldn’t. I don’t feel like trying at anything today. Nothing feels worth it.

I just want to sleep for a month.

[marvel-munchkin]

Feelings Unmasked

Pairing: Peter Parker x Reader

Summary: Requested by the lovely @itsanonymouschick - P.P he has a crush on y/n and he's been trying to confess his feelings towards her but he can't until one day he has to save her from a villain and the bad guy takes his mask off but he knocks out the villain before he finds out who it is and forgets that she's there and while he's looking for his mask she hands it to him and shocked then she promises to keep his secret then he confesses his love 4 her and when he takes her home they do the Spiderman kiss 

Word Count: 2.1k (I can’t believe it either lmao)

A/N: I’m sooo sorry this request took forever!! But I really hope you like it 💖 also thank you to @hazzyhollander for helping me out with the secrets 😂

Warnings: both Peter and the reader get a little bit hurt but nothing too serious (also one or two swear words)

Peter Parker had a lot of secrets. He knew that Ned had those Yoda slippers that he always wore around the house. He knew that MJ secretly knew all of the words to every single High School Musical song, though she would rather die than admit it. And of course, there was the small fact that he spent his nights protecting the city as Queens' very own friendly neighbourhood Spiderman. Yeah, he had a lot of secrets, but as he walked into his sixth-period physics class one in particular was weighing on his mind. His lab partner looked up and waved across the room to him, and he smiled as he took his seat. "Hey Peter," you said, your eyes lighting up as you looked at the boy you had sort of liked ever since you'd been partnered for the class. He returned your greeting, a slight blush colouring his cheeks - because right now, the most important secret he was keeping was that he had the world's biggest crush on (Y/N) (L/N).

 Time had never seemed to move so slowly as it did during that lesson. You did honestly like the subject, but it was the end of the day and you couldn't stand your teacher groaning on about quantum mechanics any longer. So, you decided you would entertain yourself. You tore a sheet of paper out of your notebook and scribbled a message on it, leaving it sitting between your desk and Peter's. He glanced down at the paper. Wanna play truths?, you had written. Of course, he wrote back. Suddenly, the lesson had gotten a lot more interesting.

 Several questions later, you had almost burst out laughing twice and you were genuinely surprised that your teacher hadn't noticed that the two of you hadn't been paying attention in the slightest for the last half hour. About five minutes before the bell was due to ring, you decided to spice the game up a little. You picked up your pen and wrote, hate to bring out the cliché question - but do you have a crush on anyone right now? Peter read your question and went bright red. You're evil, he wrote back. The colour of your face is totally giving away your answer right now, so who is it? You pushed the paper back towards him with a smirk on your face. Someone's perceptive, he replied, attempting to keep his cool but internally freaking out. He watched as you read his response and struggled to contain your laughter, and suddenly he was captivated by you. All of a sudden, he didn't want his secret to be a secret any more. He wanted to tell her more than anything. He felt the paper brush against his wrist and looked down to read the words so are you going to tell me?, written in her familiar handwriting. He took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves and just tell her, when he was jolted out of his reverie by the bell. The class began to pack their things away, relieved it was finally time to go home. "So?" you teased him. "Who's the lucky girl?" God, he looked so adorable when he was blushing. You didn't really know why you wanted the answer anyway - it was bound to be some other girl, bound to result in your heart being broken. The two of you walked out into the corridor, and Peter stared at the floor with his face burning, trying to work up the courage.

"I- she's- well, she's-" he faltered, struggling to get the words out. Your heart leapt with nerves as the poor boy tried to answer your question. Then, with perfect timing as ever, your friend yelled across the corridor.

"(Y/N)! Hurry up, or we'll miss the bus!" Annoyingly, she was right, and so your curiosity would have to wait. You waved goodbye and hurried off, leaving Peter standing alone by your locker, mentally kicking himself for not being able to give you the answer he so desperately wanted to.

 Later that night Peter found himself perched on a rooftop surveying the city below. Tonight had been relatively quiet - he'd stopped one or two minor thefts, helped a guy with a flat tyre, and retrieved a balloon for a distressed little kid. So far, it had been a particularly easy night for Spiderman, but not for Peter Parker. He could not stop thinking about her, how he had gotten so close to finally telling her how he felt, only to chicken out at the last second. What must she think of him now? Suddenly, he was snapped out of his thoughts by a loud scream a few blocks away. He took a deep breath and swung towards the source of the danger. Peter Parker and his struggles would have to wait - right now, the city needed Spiderman.

 Peter drew closer to the scene and silently scaled the side of a building to get a better vantage point. He didn't recognise the villain before him. He was a tall man, clearly very physically strong, wearing a black helmet obscuring most of his face. In one hand he held a weapon, a black curved blade which seemed to softly glow with some kind of dark energy. In the other hand, he held the source of the screaming - a young girl, seemingly about Peter's age. She had a blossoming bruise on her face and tears in her eyes as the man twisted his fingers deeper into her hair, causing her to cry out in pain. Peter's brain went into auto-pilot. A civilian was in danger, and he wouldn't let that happen on his watch. He dropped down from the side of the building, landing a kick square in the villain's face. The shock of it caused him to let go of the girl, and out of the corner of his eye Peter saw her running to safety. He breathed a sigh of relief and continued to fight. In his determination to keep her safe, he had failed to recognise who she was - none other than the girl who had been occupying his thoughts, and his heart, all night.

 (Y/N) watched from a safe distance, completely mesmerised by the sight. Spiderman was moving so quickly that he was merely a blur of red and blue, almost impossible to keep track of. You could hear his voice, but not his words, yet you could tell from its pitch that he was a mere child - probably not much older than you were. Suddenly, the blur became solid again, as your assailant grabbed him by his neck. Your heart leapt in fear for the young hero as he struggled against the villain's grasp. He managed to escape his hold, but his mask was left behind in the man's closed fist. Your mouth dropped open and you could hardly believe the sight before you. Because surely, surely, that was not Peter Parker. But it had to be - he had the same hair and the same eyes and, you realised, the same voice. You were totally dumbstruck, and then you felt a piece of material land at your feet. Evidently, the villain had discarded Spiderman's - Peter's - mask. You picked it up and continued to watch on in awe.

 Great, Peter thought to himself. Without his mask, he had lost his AI and his identity was at risk. But for now, the priority was taking care of this guy before he had the chance to hurt anyone else. Peter hissed as he felt the blade connect with his side, stumbling backwards in pain. He shot a web towards the villain's wrist, pinning him to the wall and causing him to drop the weapon. Quickly, he kicked the weapon out of his reach and shot more webs, securing him to the side of the building. Peter wasn't usually a vengeful person, but this guy had taken off his mask, plus the wound in his side really hurt - so he knocked him out with a well-placed blow to the head. He felt guilty for it, but he'd be lying if he said he hadn't enjoyed it just a little bit. He spun round to retrieve his mask from wherever it had been thrown to, and he gasped in shock when he saw you standing there, holding it out to him with a similar shocked expression on your face. As if this night couldn't get any worse, he thought.

 "Shit," he said as you walked towards him. "Are you alright?", he asked. You handed him the mask wordlessly and nodded your head, still a little shaken from both your ordeal and the revelation of Spiderman's identity. Peter muttered his thanks as he took the mask from you, shaking his head. "As if being unmasked isn't bad enough, of course it had to happen in front of the girl I'm crushing on," he said before he could think about it.

"Wait a second, what did you just say?", you asked, barely believing what you'd heard. Did Peter Parker really just tell you he liked you? This night was just one surprise after the other. His eyes went wide as he realised what he'd said.

"Shit, I didn't - I mean that's not how I was going to - I just," he stammered, and then sighed in defeat. "Yeah, I like you. I wanted to tell you but I just -" you cut him off with a finger to his lips.

"Is that what you were trying to tell me at the end of physics?" He nodded, resigned. He closed his eyes, preparing himself for the inevitable rejection. You gently shook his shoulders. "Come on, Peter, you're really telling me that you haven't noticed me flirting with you for, like, the past year?" His eyes flew open in shock. "You're a genius, spider-boy, but my God you're such an idiot sometimes," you laughed as his face broke out into a stupid grin. He wrapped his arm around your waist and smiled down at you.

"Come on, let's get you home," he said as he pulled his mask back over his face and swept you up off the ground.

 Peter usually found swinging through the streets of Queens to be quite exhilarating anyway, but with you holding onto him the feeling increased tenfold. He could hardly even feel the wound in his side anymore, because your being so close to him was that distracting. The two of you reached your apartment far too soon for his liking. He set you down gently as you tried to compose yourself - much as you liked Peter, you had decided that you definitely did not like swinging around like that. "I still can't believe you're really Spiderman," you told him. In response, he did a backflip off the ground and attached a web to a nearby lamppost, hanging upside-down in front of your face.

"Believe me now?" he teased, and you could practically hear the grin on his face.

"Shut up, Parker," you laughed, reaching for the edge of his mask.

"What are you doi-" he began to ask, but was cut off by your lips on his. He was frozen in surprise for a moment, but quickly began to kiss you back. You pulled away, smiling shyly.

"Thanking you for saving me, of course," you murmured, noticing the faint blush on the half of his face that you could see. He smirked with a sudden burst of confidence.

"Well I hope I'm not going to have to save your life every time I want you to do that," he teased. You rolled your eyes and laughed as he readjusted the mask to cover his face once more.

"I'll see you tomorrow, spider-boy," you joked as you started to make your way inside.

"Don't call me spider-boy," he complained. "It's demeaning!" You turned on your heel to face him, one eyebrow raised.

"What would you rather I called you?" you questioned him. He jumped down from the web and leaned one hand against the lamppost.

"How about your boyfriend?" You could practically see the smirk on his face through the mask.

"That was pretty smooth, I'll admit," you chuckled.

"That a yes, then?" he asked, trying to keep the nerves out of his voice.

"Totally, spider-boy."

"Don't call me that!" he yelled, swinging off into the distance. You smiled to yourself as you walked up the front steps of your building, pulling your phone out of your pocket. When Peter got home from his patrol later that night, he grinned as he saw the message from you light up his screen.

Love ya, spider-boy ;) (Y/N) xx

Tags: @oliolioxiclean @hazzyhollander @lowkey-writes @minnie-marvel @e-ms-world @cynicallymarvel @being-kind-is-free @secondsineternity @the-amazing-ata @itsanonymouschick

(Hope I didn’t miss anyone!! And if you’d like to be tagged just let me know 💖)

[theamberfang]

Rethinking My Philosophy

I’m up in the middle of the night due to an epiphany, so I’m writing this post to just get it out. For context, yesterday a discussion with a friend reminded me of a topic I’ve thought about a lot and written about quite a few times on this blog. (1, 2, 3) My friend disagreed with my conclusion, so that’s probably been percolating in my subconscious and I think that’s led to a new conclusion: my issue isn’t with the concept of Free Will, but, actually, the idea that there’s a dichotomy between Free Will and Determinism.

The Definition of Free Will

It would be prudent to first discuss why I ended up defining Free Will in the way that I did: in a way that made it so easy for me to so strongly disagree with it.

I believe my first exposure to the idea that randomness was necessary for Free Will came from watching the Science Channel as a teenager. There was a show discussing the randomness observed in quantum mechanics. A physicist was excited at the prospect of randomness being a fundamental part of our reality “because it proved Free Will” or something to that effect. It stuck out to me because of how strange of a connection that was for someone to make.

A few years later I took a philosophy class in university and had this whole idea explained more properly. First an explanation of Determinism: everything that has happened and will happen could be understood as a logical chain of events. Event A results in Event B which results in C, and so on, with logical reasoning behind each step. To clarify, by “logical” we mean that something is a necessary result. Assuming all information and variables are accounted for, then there is no variation between the cause and the effect. When you add 2 and 2 you always get 4. From this, one can extrapolate that if a being were to know absolutely everything there was to know about all of existence, if only for a moment, it would be possible to work out any event in the past or future. In essence, everything would already be determined—hence, Determinism.

This idea was uncomfortable to some people. If everything was predetermined, then could you really say anyone has choice? What happens to Free Will? My professor, as I recall, said that if Determinism is when things happen according to logic and reason, then Free Will is the ability to choose/act without reason. And anything that behaves without reason is essentially random, which is why a physicist on the Science Channel was excited at the prospect of randomness being a fundamental part of reality. If things could behave randomly, then there is room for Free Will to exist in an otherwise Deterministic world.

And this definition of Free Will is one that I strongly disliked. I agreed with Einstein when he asserted that “God does not play with dice with the universe.”

Conflict

As the years went on, Determinism steadily integrated into my personal philosophy. As someone who struggles with mental health, I certainly didn’t feel like my Will was Free, but the idea that I could reason out how different things affected my thoughts and moods—that I could figure this out Deterministically—was comforting. This notion is a large reason why I journal and blog: to figure this stuff out.

Eventually, on this very blog, I wrote those posts that I linked up in the first paragraph. In trying to explain the dichotomy between Free Will and Determinism, I convinced myself that Free Will was strongly associated with bad and toxic ideas. Perhaps most notable of my assertions was that since Free Will meant choice without reason, then it meant individuals were wholly responsible for everything they did. It’s what justifies punitive action against criminals without due concern for systemic problems; according to this definition of Free Will, systemic reasons can’t be a thing. It’s all on the individual. This also liens up with the idea of “pulling yourself up by your bootstraps” to get out of poverty: if you’re poor, then it’s because you Freely Willed yourself to be poor.

I put blame to the way that we often tell stories that position Free Will as being inherent to the human spirit and general Goodness and Determinism as a cold and unfeeling force to overcome. I started to theorize that these sorts of stories strongly influenced our culture, making people aggressively individualistic, caught up in the fantasy of going out and becoming whatever they want to be “so long as they try hard enough.”

Distinction

One thing I always made sure to clarify about Determinism was that it wasn’t the same thing as Fatalism. Fatalism, as I understand it, is the idea that things will happen despite the choices of individuals. It’s often illustrated in stories about time travelers trying to change events—save someone’s life—only for it to keep happening anyway, no matter what they try to change. To be clear, this isn’t Determinism. According to Determinism, making changes would necessarily lead to a different result. (Though, I suppose they aren’t mutually exclusive, now that I really think about it.)

To further differentiate Determinism from Fatalism, as well as to make it more appealing, I decided to shift the focus from the entirety of existence being cosmically predetermined to the idea that you, the individual, are part of the system. You exist and you necessarily have influence over the world.

In a predetermined world, it actually isn’t accurate to say that you don’t have choices. You do. You can imagine different possibilities, but according to a variety of reasons—your values, your beliefs, your current circumstances in the moment—you choose the best one. This is something happening continuously: your life is a series of the best choices that you could make, from moment to moment. You may find, in hindsight, that a choice wasn’t as good as you thought it was, but you don’t have hindsight in the moment. But this is how you learn: by taking that hindsight forward into your future best choices.

Redefinition

Yesterday, as I ranted to my friend, I expressed frustration that as much as I could assert that I behaved Deterministically, figuring out why I did things and making plans according to how I understood myself (especially in regards to my mental health), someone could always still assert that I had the Free Will to make those plans, to put in the effort to understand myself.

You see, another issue I had with Free Will is that, in a more colloquial sense, it seemed to have a variable definition. No one really goes around thinking that Free Will means “to choose/act without reason.” So I concluded that people just figured out how their Free Will was restricted through experience while still understanding that they had Free Will within those confines. This meant that someone with more privilege has a different understanding of Free Will from someone with less privilege: explaining how rich people could have such gross misunderstandings about the way poor people live. It’s this fungible nature that allows Free Will to still be applied to me, no matter how Deterministically I understand my life to be.

Then I had tonight’s epiphany: there need not be a dichotomy. If Free Will could shape itself into something so compatible with Determinism, then how does it make sense for them to be mutually exclusive in the first place? Also, if I’m no longer assuming that there’s a dichotomy, how would I then try to define Free Will?

Well, we can just keep it simple: the ability to choose. So what does that really mean? What does it mean to choose? It’s to act. It’s to cause change. It’s to influence the world. It’s to say that we mean something.

And this sounds like something I’ve discussed earlier: the way I shifted the focus of Determinism to the individual. The individual is part of the system. By necessity, individuals influence the world around them. And you do have choice. Even if you will only ever make one choice, it is your best choice. This is an expression of Free Will within a Deterministic framework.

It’s not like Free Will ever promised that you have an unlimited number of equally possible choices; those infinite alternative possibilities never need to happen. They can just exist in your imagination, discarded on the way to your one best choice—at that moment, in that specific circumstance.

I’ve tried coming up with names for this specific idea in my previous post, but for now I like the sound of Self-Determination.

[cosmosogler]

hi guys. it’s already ten!!!

i went to bed later than i wanted to last night. then snoopy yowled all night. it woke me up 5-10 times. i lost count. i also didn’t know what time it was. i was just in limbo hell of “doze off, get immediately woken up by repeated and continuous meowing, still dark out.”

i was so tired when i got to class. i was so tired. i was only five minutes late. today i put on a light jacket and some gloves so the wind wouldn’t be miserable.

i met with my professors after class... the quantum mechanics professor gave me a Look. the classical mechanics professor told me this is becoming a problem because he can’t post the homework solutions for my classmates. it was... kinda stressful, i guess, honestly. i ended up caving and just asking suzanne for her solutions this evening when it became clear that i did not have time to sit and even start working yet again.

after my first two classes and the professor meetings my friends and i headed out for spaghetti day. it was great. we got there at a reasonable time and we had like 45 minutes to just relax in the grass and eat some spaghetti. 

every week harrison has been asking how many regretti i have at the end of each meal when i split off for group therapy. i have been slowly increasing the amount in my reply. 

oh yeah between classes luis was sitting at the desk next to me. i think one time he noticed when i was lost in thought because he held out his arm for a high five at the edge of my field of view. but anyway he said i was a northerner and i said arizona wasn’t really that far north of florida. he said i am sitting in the desk to the north of him so that makes me a northerner. i put my face in my hands.

group therapy went really well this week. the others seemed to think we didn’t talk about “anything heavy” but i think tax worries can get pretty heavy... i got to  share some of my achievements over the last week and talk about advice i’ve been trying to implement.

like when i was advised to start periodically writing down all my feelings in a notebook or a phone memo, i started stopping myself sometimes during the day and mentally scrolling through all the words for feelings that i could think of. i’d ask myself why i feel this way or that way, if that word fit how i was feeling... it’s not really making feelings come back? but it’s helping me kind of redefine the parameters i want to use for these feelings i guess. i said i haven’t been writing them down yet though, because i haven’t. i should do check ins a little more often even if i don’t put them here.

after group i went to get a hair cut!!! i just got a few inches off, to get my hair above my shoulders. on the way back to the department i noticed when people were looking at me way more than i usually notice. i was really worried something was wrong with my hair, or my face, or whatever i guess. when i finally did get back to the department i went in the bathroom to check the mirror and my brain said “oh!! it is my hair but shorter!” and that was a relief. when i was walking into the building my hair had formed a perfect ringlet directly into my eyeball so i put my bow back in. i had to wait for it to dry is all.

the other students were still all in class so i watched a youtube video. well, i watched two, since they were both around 20 minutes. after that keegan asked if i wanted to play smash and i said yes. harrison also joined us. 

we finally figured out a really good system. harrison and i are put on a team (with team attack on) against keegan and that way we win sometimes. actually as we kept playing harrison and i both got a lot better at working together and we started winning more often. we took out keegan when he was trying his hardest as, i think, marth, so he switched to captain falcon and kneed us both in the face until we flew off the edges.

i really want to switch to smash 4 but neither harrison nor keegan have a 3ds.

keegan showed me how to... jump cancel dash grab? i think that’s what it’s called. it made me actually able to grab other characters in the game hahaha. i don’t use grabs very much but with a much quicker option that helped a lot so i could hold him in the way of harrison’s attacks. or just throw him at harrison.

we played right up until the extra quantum lecture at 6. so, an hour and a half. which is not actually that long, game session wise. 

i told keegan later that i find it kind of astonishing that, like... it’s not surprising that i feel better after playing a video game with my friends. but the amount that i feel better is really something. i’ve been picking up new moves and hitting more “frame perfect” attacks every time we play and we barely even play once a week. it’s just... nice to be able to learn fast and retain a lot of information really quickly again, i guess. 

i realized a little too late that the pace of smash bros is comparable to that of fencing. i’d tell harrison to do something or to cover me and i’d feel like i gave him so much time and he just stood there, but thinking about it i probably gave him less than half a second to react before it was too late. i have to remember he’s a beginner, both to smash and to the gamecube controller. reflexes are something you build up over, you know, twenty-five years of playing video games i guess.

actually keegan was better at reacting to my communication than harrison was and i ended up missing a lot of big charged attacks because i’d try to warn the kid to get out of the way. team combos were a lot of fun though.

i do need to practice melee a little bit though... keegan said he was very interested in one-on-one fights because he would also get to do combos. i’ve gotten a lot better at them in the last few months but i still can’t take him on head to head haha.

that sure was a lot of time i just spent talking about smash!!!

i think i was the only one in our whole class who was actually taking notes in quantum at 6 pm. i was starving and exhausted though. i think everyone else (including the professor) was too. taylor may have fallen asleep.

after class taylor and i talked to harrison for a little bit and then we all went home. when i got home i popped some veggie corn dogs in the microwave and hid some cookies for snoopy. when i went to brush her i think i hit a tangle because she hissed at me again. she didn’t bite though! and i didn’t flinch away, i just moved my hand away and then put the brush down where she could see it. i’m glad that she trusts me enough to just hiss angrily instead of biting me and THEN hissing. she knows i’ll stop whatever i’m doing now. 

i cleaned her food bowl... and did some to-do list organization. i’m... worried. i feel like i took too many breaks today, even though it was only, like three. lunch, the videos after my haircut, and then playing melee for a while. everything else was class, doctor, or maintenance. 

tomorrow’s going to be just as bad. i’m teaching four hours from 9:30 to 1:45. i might get out a little less late since my slower student isn’t at my section this week... but then from 2 to 4 i’m at the drc. when am i gonna do homework...? suzanne sent me a guide but i don’t even have time to just sit down and follow that. and it’s not just blindly writing down everything because i gotta try to catch mistakes she made. and i also need to understand the material if i’m going to pass the class. it’s more like a hand rail while i go up the stairs.

i guess.

i just want to be caught up to my classmates again... i want to be part of the peer group instead of behind it. i’ve been struggling so hard with the homework that i haven’t been able to contribute and answer other people’s questions even in quantum. and i only have three weeks left to do that before finals. i’m scared. i still need to retake my quantum midterm but i haven’t had time to sit down to review my notes for that either.

sometimes i feel that if i had two more hours each day i could get everything that needed doing done. i’m starting to learn that a big part of grad school is accepting that not everything is going to get done on your preferred schedule. ESPECIALLY for me. so even with an extra two hours i probably just... wouldn’t be able to work for the whole extra two hours. i’m already exhausted by the end of the day. i can’t even do anything after like 8:30 unless it’s home-related and i can knock it out in 10 minutes. 

anyway a good thing today is that i got the self esteem boost of participating positively in group therapy today during the discussion, and also of realizing that i am remembering everything i learn during our bouts of smash even though they are kind of short and spaced very thinly.

it’s probably because i am actively doing the stuff i’m learning instead of trying to get it out of a book and lecture. it would probably help if i did physics practice problems. that’s always been a problem.

um... i guess writing it all down like this i did a lot today. it just wasn’t class work, which is what i need to be getting done. maybe tomorrow will be better. i’ll just have to try again. maybe i can bully harrison into grabbing an extra meal with me or something since hunger is a big issue when i’m thinking really hard.

[shirlleycoyle]

Students Are Demanding MIT Fire a Professor Who Visited Epstein in Prison

A group of students is demanding that MIT fire Seth Lloyd, an undergraduate mechanical engineering professor who visited Jeffrey Epstein in prison.

In late August, MIT admitted that the university had accepted roughly $800,000 from Epstein, and that all of those gifts either went to the MIT Media Lab, or Lloyd.

Eleanor Graham, a fourth-year physics major at MIT, said she faced a tough decision when she received her class schedule this semester. She had enrolled in the only quantum computing class that MIT offers to find out that Lloyd, who had been in the news for accepting funds from Epstein, would be her professor.

Graham attended Lloyd’s first class—but after hearing his lecture, which included an unsolicited “monologue” about his relationship with Epstein—she and at least one other student dropped it, she told Motherboard.

“Some students feel comfortable remaining in the class and others don’t,” Graham told Motherboard. “You can kind of guess who doesn’t. People with a history of sexual trauma or those in underrepresented groups in science already, those are the people who don’t feel comfortable.”

In late October, Graham wrote an op-ed in MIT’s student newspaper, The Tech about her decision.

“I have never been asked to decide whether or not I am willing to learn from a man who knowingly took donations from a convicted pedophile,” she wrote. “As long as Seth Lloyd teaches at MIT, our institution suffers. This is a barrier to learning for survivors of sexual assault, for women (after all, Epstein’s survivors are women), and for others upon others.”

In her op-ed, Graham said that Lloyd opened his initial class, by asking, “How many of you have heard of Jeffrey Epstein?” and then diving into an explanation of why he decided to visit Epstein in prison and accept funds from him after he had been convicted of having sex with minors. He told students he had consulted important women in his life, his mother and wife, before taking the funds. “There was no information that couldn’t have been sent in an optional email to the class. This was a power play, pure and simple,” Graham wrote of Lloyd’s lecture.

MIT Students Against War

MIT Students Against War

Graham’s op-ed resonated with many students. A contingent of them, known as MIT Students Against War, a group which formed this February after Henry Kissinger was invited to speak at a campus event, are now demanding that MIT fire Lloyd, or that he resign.

“Professor Lloyd has made many students deeply uncomfortable given his long-lasting and disturbing ties to Jeffrey Epstein,” a widely circulated statement from the group leading the protest, MIT Students Against War, reads. He “has driven students away from classes they were interested in taking by openly discussing and excusing his ties to a known and convicted child sex-trafficker. Why is he still teaching? Why is he still welcome at MIT?”

“I have never been asked to decide whether or not I am willing to learn from a man who knowingly took donations from a convicted pedophile."

Since early October, students have held protests, a forum, and met with administrators directly, asking why the university has allowed him to remain on campus. Lloyd is even teaching a freshman advising course. Two other professors with ties to Epstein, including Richard Stallman, the famed founder of the free software movement, have resigned.

“People have held the Media Lab accountable. There have been at least two resignations there. But Seth Lloyd has flown under the radar,” Graham, who is 21, told Motherboard.

On October 4, roughly 100 students gathered at MIT Corporation’s annual board meeting demanding Lloyd’s resignation. The day before, students held a forum about Epstein’s ties to MIT attended by MIT’s president, Rafael Reif and other administrators, during which Seth Lloyd’s resignation came up. A group of core organizers met with Reif privately afterwards.

MIT Students Against War

“[Reif] didn’t give satisfying responses to any of our demands, specifically around Seth Lloyd. There hasn’t been any movement as far as we can tell and see,” Husayn Karimi, 22, a master’s student in computer science and a lead organizer with MIT Students Against War, told Motherboard. “If MIT wants to not make any moves and expects this also to just go away, that’s not going to happen… MIT tells us to make the world a better place, but it’s one of the most immutable places in the world.”

Graham said she’s received similar responses from MIT administrators. “I’ve spoken to MIT about Seth Lloyd and they’ve said they think my op-ed was brave, but they can’t tell me about the Seth Lloyd situation because it’s a personnel matter.”

On October 31, students in Halloween costumes protested in the halls outside Lloyd’s office with signs that said “Seth Lloyd Must Go,” while several MIT police officers hovered nearby, according to students in attendance.

Do you have a story to tell about sexual assault or harassment in tech? We'd like to hear from you and your friends. You can message Lauren securely on Signal or Telegram at 201-897-2109 or email her at lauren.gurley@vice.com.

MIT Students Against War are also demanding that the administration send a campus wide apology email acknowledging its failures in accepting donations from Epstein and how the events have impacted women and survivors on campus. “This step is essential for members of the MIT community to begin to heal and for making folks feel safe,” they wrote in a widely circulated statement that they presented to administrators. Additionally, they’re asking that the administration organize department specific forums led by outside facilitators to discuss the MIT-Epstein crisis, create whistleblower protections, and allow graduate students and researchers to reject funds for reasons of ethics and academic freedom.

So far, the administration has not met any of these demands. MIT did not respond to Motherboard’s request for comment.

Seth Lloyd told Motherboard he would not comment as MIT is currently investigating his case. In August, he published an apology to Epstein’s victims on Medium. Of his visit to Epstein in prison, he wrote, “I believed, at the time, that I was doing a good deed. Mr. Epstein expressed remorse for his actions and assured me that he would not re-offend.”

Students Are Demanding MIT Fire a Professor Who Visited Epstein in Prison syndicated from https://triviaqaweb.wordpress.com/feed/

[utrechtcentral]

Julien Pineau introduces Strongfit to Utrecht

We welcome renowned fitness guru Julien Pineau to Utrecht. a welcome new resident indeed!

To quote from the Strongfit website: Sports have been a part of Julien’s life since he was young and he’s been a state and national champion in a number of sports including soccer, swimming and wrestling. As an adult, he really found something he liked with MMA and Jiu Jitsu and spent time traveling the world to learn from the best in the industry. That time spent with the best made him want to learn more about sport and movement so that he could coach others. In 1993, he began his coaching career as a conditioning and grappling coach for the MMA gym where he trained and in 2008, he opened his own gym that focuses on strongman training. StrongFit was born and has evolved from a single gym to a full education program. Julien’s  brain is wired to see faulty patterns and visualize, in space, how people move. With his knack for diagnosing muscular and strength imbalances he has developed his own system to identify what issues are and fight root of the problem. He now travels the world delivering seminars to coaches who have the common goal of fixing people and ridding them of pain. Julien introduced himself to me I found coaching at age 21. My first martial arts teacher, Nguyen, put me in charge of warm ups in the classes. Our class sizes were too big at the time, and it was my job to make the warm up so hard that we could cut the attendance in half. At the time I was doing a lot of body weight movements as my warm up, so he asked me to provide instruction with the first 20 minutes of the session. Two weeks later, the class size had doubled. While my teacher was upset with me, the coach inside of me was born. I didn’t find a job, I found a vocation. My drive for competition was overtaken by by connection to coaching others. This evolved over time from private instruction to opening my own gym in 2008. What is your fitness background? I have always been an athlete. My success in competition began as early as 8 years old. The first sport that I competed in at a national level was soccer. I broke my foot just before the national tournament, and quit shortly after. From there, I became explored other sports. I was a state champion swimmer at 13. It took me until age 19 to find my true athletic potential with grappling and mma. I pursued high levels of training throughout 15 years, including training with Gracie Barra in Brazil, until I had found strongman at age 37. That transition lasted for 4-5 years. Now, I train because I enjoy it. I have started to play pool again, but focus more on mastery of the skills than competition in the sport.

Tell us a bit about Strongfit It’s not a method, it’s a way of learning. Strongfit has evolved much as I have  through disciplines of movement and sports, training methods, and the knowledge I’ve gathered over the years. I started to explore what drives individuals both physically and mentally. My goal was to create a system that would help people to move well, improve their athletic performance in a non-destructive way, and ultimately find themselves through movement. Is it as my son tells me a case of mind over matter? We have a tendency to choose one over the other, but I believe they’re connected. The mind and the body are connected through the central nervous system- which is the gateway to everything. It is the nervous system that will lead us every time. What attracted you to designing Strongfit? I am a humanist first. My goal has always been to find a way to help people. I saw the same patterns through sports and lifestyle of injury, discomfort, and mental anguish, over and over again. I knew there was something that could be done about it, so I took it as my responsibility to find better answers than what was already out there. How did you work out the rationale? I read very little about fitness… but I have an extensive background in strength and conditioning. I have spent many years actually practicing different training methods. It allowed me to develop a personal database of experiences— what works and what doesn’t. I get most of my knowledge from other fields like neuroscience, evolutionary biology and quantum mechanics. I search for patterns that I can connect to help people create positive change within themselves. So the rationale is found through countless moments of deep thinking and practice. And together, they create the beginnings of my concepts. I test all of my concepts thoroughly first, and then discuss my experiences with my second, Richard. If the ideas are working, we test even more. With a network of over 300 coaches, we continue to gather data from experience. If I receive a positive response by at least 30 percent of them, then I know I’m onto something. Do you see Strongfit as a rival to CrossFit or are they compatible? This is a huge misunderstanding I face constantly. I am not a competitor to CrossFit. On the contrary, I think the CrossFit training system has done incredible things- particularly for women. We’ve seen such an improvement not only in performance with women, but also their self esteem and body image, than we have never seen before. Our intentions with Strongfit are to enhance performance in things like CrossFit and other training methods, not replace them. It’s the individual that always comes first.

Why are you moving to Utrecht? I was invited to Utrecht for a Seminar by the owners of Unscared CrossFit. This was my first seminar outside of my own gym that I have ever held, and it’s what started my world tour. We arrived two days early to Utrecht, and within 24 hours, I had totally fell in love with the city and its people. I decided that one day, Utrecht was the place I would call home. What is your favourite place in Utrecht? I love looking for craftsmen. It isn’t so much the places that are my favorite, but the individuals inside that are always pushing past expectations and limits, and providing people with new knowledge and great experience. I love the Dutch culture. It’s a quiet city. It provides me with the silence to think critically, and views that inspire creativity. Does Utrecht as a city do enough for sport in general? Dutch people are super active. My daughter has found connections in various sports like hockey, dance, and mma training. The Dutch culture has been a great place to encourage her towards sports in an inviting way. Where I’d love to see growth is strength specific training for the women here. I see a lot of untapped potential there. What about Strongfit, are you made welcome? The neighbours of Strongfit HQ are at least entertained. I think some of our training methods, like carrying heavy yokes and pushing sleds are new to them, but they are welcoming and supportive of our endeavours. Our Saturday sessions that allow athletes to come and train have been well attended, so I think it’s been a great fit. Your new Gym, where will it be when will it open? It is not a gym. Our location is more of a laboratory. It is where I test my theories and breakdown my methods. I keep it closed to the public so that I can keep my focus on what I am testing, otherwise I will always default to coaching someone. Assessments and workouts at our location are by invitation only Read the full article

[electronspeed]

Working Paper... the Speed of Light

WHAT IS THE CAUSE OF THE SPEED OF LIGHT? A THEORY BY TERRY DAVID (BUTCH) SILVERCLOUD Vancouver, B.C., Canada, I'm not online but check my mail regularly. 15 March, 2018 This paper will be widely distributed.  If you have received a copy it is because I think you may have a decent grasp of the contents and it may be useful to your work.  Please spread it around.  The concept is extraordinarily simple... as Einstein expected.  I have no idea what uses this knowledge will have.  I hope it helps the humans for whom I hold little hope.  I'm quite friendly, not shy at all, but quite reclusive.  You must prove, to me, you are worthy of my time.  I'm quite serious.  I don't trust humans.  Prove to me you aren't a walking talking animal or hubris filled hypocrite.  You must earn my respect.  I don't wait up.  I'm online, from time to time, to check my mail.  I don't text, ever. WHAT SETS THE SPEED OF LIGHT? WHAT IS THE CAUSE OF THE SPEED OF LIGHT? WHY IS IT IMPOSSIBLE TO EXCEED LIGHT SPEED? The recognized Speed of Light in space is: 299,792,485Km/s 299,792,485,000 meters per second (103) 299,792,485,000,000 milli-meters per second (106) 299.792,485 mm/s 299,792,485 Nano-Meters per Nano Second  (10-9) 299,792,485 Pico-Meters per Pico Second (10-12) 299,792, 485 Femto-Meters per Femto Second (10-15) 299,792,485,000 Atto-Meters per Atto-Second (10-18)

SIZE MATTERS

Foreword

I will use the American spelling of the word 'meter'.  All other spelling is Canadian English.  I'm not noted for my good spelling but I gave it my best shot.  Even if I made an error in spelling or got a number wrong, here or there, made a typo, or whatever... I'm more than certain the theory is so very sound and logical you will come to see how correct it is.

Have you ever noticed that, when you are trying to find something... looking for something and can't seem to find it while, all along, it was right in front of you?  You were too busy looking in the corners.

While the things, of which, I will talk about seem easy and clear to me, I know that it may be difficult for most.  I have tried my very best to be simple, use simple language, and avoid math to explain what, once you see it, is an extremely simple concept.  It's one of those "why didn't I think of that?" kind of things.  I'm guessing none of us ever asked the right questions.  It came to me as a complete, total, and unexpected accident. It wasn't even what I was looking for.

I have always had a knack for noticing things out of place or interesting.  I seem to have a knack for spotting visual anomalies and am good at analyzing things... figuring out how they work by examination.  When I was in Sonar School while serving in the Navy, an exam question asked for firing solutions to take upon a particular brand new class of nuclear submarine in England, the Dreadnought class of submarines, nuclear powered and all brand new (I was in England at Submarine Sonar School in Gosport, England, 1967, while serving with the First Submarine Squadron stationed there.  I got to visit a James Bond kind of facility, lots of white labcoat types, in a secret location, with armed guards at the entrance, to see the Tigerfish torpedo development based around brand new sonar ideas  in 1967).

I mention this to show you how I have a knack for thinking outside the box.  Anyhow, I gave an answer for finding the angle on the bow of the submarine, a critical factor in determining a firing solution (how to blow it out of the water with a torpedo).  When we got our results of the test back, the instructor read out my answer.  He told me I was correct and the answer was now classified as secret.  I can't tell you more than that except the next generation of these new sonars made a quick correction to the issue to avoid the vulnerability posed by the problem I had pointed out.

I'm 73 as I write this.  I left school, at age 18, 1963, and went directly to Naval Officer School.  The Navy thought I was already smart and knowledgeable enough so they made me an Officer at age 19.  I got to navigate HMCS Cape Scott for a year and took her on Great Circle Routes to Europe and South America.  I had a pretty good grasp of Relative Motion when I was 22 (1966).  I was a pretty good navigator (HMCS Cape Scott 1966-67).  The thing is, my plans to become a physicist and work at Bell Labs to invent a flat screen TV screen never happened (1963).  I had planned to go to University after my seven year stint.  The Navy offered me a permanent commission several times but I turned them down.  I wouldn't get back to physics until I went into semi retirement in 2002.

In 2002, I was thinking about how something could be HERE and THERE at the same time.  I looked up Einstein... A difficult read because of the old school language, and I noticed he didn't notice a few things, but waves were all brand new at the time (1916).

I looked at the Quantum Mechanics view of reality but singularities exist only on a blackboard and can't have spin because they don't have occupancy of space and time...  Hereness and Thereness in time...  one can't pin down a singularity.  It didn't help me with the HERE and THERE issue but there is a very simple solution... a singularity need only exceed the Speed of Light for any given time.... after all, time is relative.  Time is related to SIZE and how big or small things are... such as yourself.  You are a nice convenient kind of size... not too big, not too small.  You can observe the micro and macro.

So... to be HERE and THERE, at the SAME time at rest, relatively, so to speak, one need only be a singularity moving at 4/3 (P c3) which is the formula for a sphere where the radius is the speed of light within a TIME FRAME appropriate for your size).  My studies, accidentaly, led me to a theory about why solids are solids, gasses are gasses, liquids are liquids, why semi-solids are semi solids.  I also learned that nothing can EVER travel in a true circle, in time, unless it can exceed the speed of light.  Our Solar System moves in a kind of skinny sine wave 7 billion kilometers per yearly cycle through space (See Appendix 1).  Nothing moves in a circle except as a relative illusion of the observer.  But, I digress.

I got back into physics about 2002 and I learned there is a lot of bad and false information out there and a lot of the people who think they know what they know, don't know what they know, or don't know much at all.  I'm pretty reclusive these days, so much so that I no longer maintain an internet connection, don't give out my  phone number and,mostly, avoid the humans.  I see the human race heading for a horrific future and you won't want to be here.  Seriously, I mean it... no hope for the bulk of the human race.  I fully expect a mass die off in the coming century of BILLIONS of people from starvation.

The world of physics is overflowing with false equivalencies and fallacies of ambiguity.  Not everyone who is supposed to have a clue, actually does.  There are many misinformed pundits, out there, most of them in popular media.  One can't much believe anything one hears in media, and what is in print may not be correct, either.  One has to know one's stuff and you don't know what you don't know.  I have a rather unusual advantage in that I'm well informed, love electronics, have been familiar with Electrical Laws since I was 14 years old, have a pretty good science education with physics, and have done a huge variety of things in my life... I don't look at things as most would.  In my old age I'm a painter and I was a very high end film photographer.  I visualize things in my mind.

My work in the study of matter and motion led me to write a semi-fiction book, "The Shape of God" (http://The-Shape-of-God.Tumblr.com) in which I attempted to include all the ideas I had at the time.  A lot of time passed after I wrote the manuscript for my book which included my theory about the nature of Solids, Liquids, and Gasses.  Then, around 2015, I began to wonder about Electrons because they simply didn't fit well in my general theory... they fit, but terribly the way I imagined they might.  They really needed to have shape... no round edges allowed.

I had taught myself how TV, Radar and radio worked when I was 14, so Electrons were my old friends.  Nobody pays them much attention, even though they are the most abundent Fermions/Leptons in the Universe.  In my theory about solids, liquids and gasses they didn't much matter because I was focused on motion... but they didn't fit in well with my theory about how matter forms, in the first place.  I needed much, much, much smaller parts and, according to my theory about shapes, they needed vertices, edges and faces... lots of faces would be good.  Multiple possible poles would be even better... so it wasn't stuck with just two directions of spin... how about 10 or 20 possible poles and, therefore, multiple spin possibilities?  Wobble would be a piece of cake with multiple poles one could change at random.  For instance, the most highly manoeuverable aircraft is also the most unstable.  A fighter like the F-22 can not be flown without computer assisted controls because a human couldn't possibly react fast enough.  The Algorithms will smooth things out.  Electrons have very little energy... one quantum.  It's pretty easy to boss them around.  Watch out when they show up in force.

The most stable shape with the least number of parts etc. is a Tetrahedron.  It means having parts smaller that might NOT be Tetrahedrons but I had a work around for that... reality has to be fractal and time is relative to how large you are... and we are moving very, very, very fast through space... at least 500kms.  Tetrahedrons would provide resistance, in circuits.  Tetrahedrons weren't good for building things... you can't tile the universe with Tetrahedrons.  I needed a better shape and found the Icosahedron to fit the bill in every way.  Extremely stable and, ta da, made of tetrahedrons, a tightly bound ball of tetrahedrons.  Very nice.

Prof. J.W. Gregory was first to point out the Earth's affinity to a tetrahedron, whoe edges represented the main lines of mountain folding.

But, I wanted to speak of False Equivalencies and Fallacy of Ambiguity (look it up).  I have HUGE issues with the term PHOTON.  Photons are NOT light but everyone thinks they are.  We need a new concept about that. I'll get into Photons, as well as my reason why the Electron sets the speed of light.  Why the Electron is the clock of our reality which is all rather binary, at the elemental level and why Photons, while associated with light, are NOT light.  One may fit a ton of Photons into the wavelength of a single red wave of 666 nanometers.  That's a lot of Electrons and a truckload of photons.  What's going on?  Remember, there is no light out there, it's all in your head.  You could just as well see by radio waves if you had the correct antennae and receiver.  Light waves are a big deal to we mammals because of our physical size.  If we were a virus we would be too small to know light even existed.    We could not have antennae long enough to detect the frequencies of light, nor heat.  We live in a vibrating universe where matter, the solid stuff, is in short supply.  The universe is mostly invisible.  The solid stuff has bouyancy and is trying to find rest in an ever moving ocean that is our infinite universe.

I would appreciate feedback, but I'm 73 and not well.  I live in pain and have pain management not working as well as I would wish.  I don't expect to live much longer and I want to get these ideas out there.  I just wish to pass on what I think to others who will have some idea of what I'm speaking about.  I don't meet people who have any grasp of what I'm talking about.  If I repeat myself, my apologies in advance.  I can be a bit ADHD and OCD.

This theory is being re-produced in several hundred copies... as I'm able to print and mail them.  I live on a small pension and would be considered poor by anyone's standards... the artist's life.  Feel free to reproduce this and spread it around.  You will be doing me a favour and saving me money... a win-win for moi.

Things to think about. We don't know what we don't know.  A blind man can not see.

WAVES Waves may be short or long... even Kilometers long and no two frequencies, nor different frequency wave-lengths may occur in the same time span.  No two different frequency wave-lengths occupy the same time.  Time is set by the smallest measuring unit... the Electron. Light Wave-Fronts move at 299.792,485 mm/nanosecond just less than one foot.  Bring light down to size to think about it.  In one billionth of a second, light moves only a bit less than ONE FOOT.  Light Speed, at the atomic level has relativity issues we need to think about.  Space has resistance to motion, whether physical motion of objects, or Electromagnetic Waves.  Space has Quantum Units of Energy opposing all motion.  A quantum of energy is directly related to the Electron.  All our measurements seem to like the Electron as a base reference.

When Electrons move, they disturb reality around them... all reality including space.  They leave a particular kind of trail behind them... they leave a wake, just like a ship in water, or an aircraft in air... contrails, shock waves both physical and electromagnetic. ONE IN/ONE OUT If an Electron sets the speed of light, it need only move its diameter to move at the speed of light... to move from HERE to THERE.  It doesn't really matter how fast it does that... it will depend upon the wave energy being moved.  It's one in, one out, no matter the length until equilibrium is achieved between the forces at either end.  It matters not if it's push, or pull... they both work equally as well.  What is going on is energy seeking rest and looking for somewhere to go.  It can push as many electrons as the quantum per unit of time it holds or transmits.

Electromagnetic energies are transmited Electron to Electron. Nothing may get from here to there except with the help of Electrons.

The Electron is a particle.  They are larger than whatever is 'in between" so, as a bouyant 'object' in the sea of space, it MUST displace its own volume... one in, one out.  The Electron's size and characteristics set the Speed of Electromagnetic Waves.  We can only detect those waves with Electrons.  We are Electronic beings using Electronic nerve networks.  Your brain works with Electrons.  Are you getting the drift?  How small is small is not important and doesn't matter when it comes to the Speed of Light.  The messenger can move only as quickly as it may and it can't exceed its own energy.  It may easily deflect it.

We must, first, recognize that when we speak of The Speed of Light we are discussing all Electromagnetic waves and the WAVE FRONT, not the wave, itself.  The reason is that a wave can be picometers in wavelength, gigahertz in frequency or kilometers in wavelength if only a few cycles per second... they need different amounts of time in which to exist.  Single wave to single wave, different waves need more time to even exist.

The Speed of Light is for the Electomagnetic WAVE  FRONT, not how long it takes, in time, to detect an entie wave, end to end.  And, remember, longest is strongest.  Short or long waves need energy... it takes more energy to create a long wave than a short wave... think tsunami.  A single Electron can not make a wave, except over time and distance... while it is on the move and, even then, it would be only a PART of the wave, not the actual wave.  If it moves only the distance of its diameter, it is only half of a wave... waiting to be completed.  A half spin will produce half a wave of a wave length equal to two times the diameter of the Electron.  To be a single wave, an Electron need only rotate, completely, once.  It is sort of between Here and There as its own diameter... it's only a half spin object, as it were.  The energy can just roll off it's sleeves, so to speak.  If it can't roll, it can be pushed... think DC current.

Whatever the physical shape of an Electron might be, it is best thought of as a sphere for motion purposes.  I expect it has the shape of an Icosahedron which I will talk about.

The only wave that fits an Electron is one with a path twice the distance of the Electron's diameter, i.e, the length of the path will be the circumferance of the Electron.  It is so small that that frequency will be in the Peta or Exa frequency range.  There are a lot of Electrons in the path of one single RED WAVE of 666 nanometers.  That's a lot of Electrons along that path, and Electrons, themselves, don't move that far very quickly.  There are a lot of Electrons in one foot.  If one Electron enters an electrical circuit, another "pops out" at the other end, at the speed of light.  But... the original Electron is still at the back of the line moving forward.

Visible light has a very short bandwidth of less than one micron/1,000 Nanometers, among waves as short as Femtometers or Atometers (10-18), and longer than household Electrical Waves which are about 5,000 meters long.  Different waves occupy more, or less, time than others, as individual waves.  In order to stand still in a light speed universe, a singularity must move at 4/3 P c3 where the radius of influence is a given time... i.e.  this is the formula for the volume of a sphere where the radius will be any given amount of time.  At that velocity, a singularity will be everywhere, all at once, at the SAME time when viewed at the Speed of light... using data arriving at your brain at the speed of light (by way of the Electron as their is no other way).

I should mention, often, that I have my own views of the structure of the universe.  Remember that theories are theories, not facts.  I view Electrons as the ball bearings and micro motors which drive our reality... just so you know.  I've been playing with Electons for more than 60 years and common household power is child's play, to me.

HELIUM 1. Stellated GyroBiFastigium, 2. Yin Yan, 3. Model of Helium as a gas at point of condensation. I veiw reality as structured, where shapes dictate state.  Heat wave-lengths are destructive because they so, closely, match the size of the physical size of atoms and molecules... and resonate with them because of the Electrons in the atoms... which are magnets.

ICOSAHEDRON/THE SHAPE OF AN ELECTRON?

This is a theory about the cause of the Speed of Light.  That cause is the physical size (diameter and circumference) and other characteristics of a sub-atomic particle (Fermion/Lepton) called the Electron.  I believe the Electron to be, generally, indestructable and to always have the characteristics of a solid.  In a different theory I propose that shape is what gives matter the distinction of presenting as a solid, liquid, gass, semi-solid or liquid, and plasma.  That theory proposes that solids have electonic vertices, faces and edges while liquids are spheroids, gasses are torri, and flattened shapes are semi solids... such as a flattened spheroid being pancake shaped.  So, while I consider an Electron to have the shape of an Icosahedron constructed of parts too small to detect with current technology, you may take the position that the Electron is a sphere, in the following theory.  I will explain how it may seem be a wave, and how it partakes of electronic waves. THE QUESTIONS How big is big?  How small is small?  How fast is fast?  How slow is slow?  What is time?  What is the relationship between size, velocity, and time?  What is light?  How is light related to size and time?  What are the means, by which, we perceive reality?  What has the Speed of Light to do with our reality?  Why does some reality present as solid, while others present as gasses or liquids and other less understood forms of matter such as plasma?  Is our physical size a serious consideration upon how we perceive reality?

WHAT CAUSES THE SPEED OF LIGHT? A Theory by Terry David Silvercloud. This work assumes that the reader will have some education and experience in the world of physics... at least a high school level understanding.  The majority of physicists, on the planet, are doing applied physics.  This work is theoretical... my point being most physicists are great with solving problems using existing formulae and knowledge but not always well suited to research or theory.  There aren't a lot of jobs available in pure research, so the majority of physicists are busy making a living solving problems with existing knowledge.  You will need to let go of any pre-held notions and let your imagination soar to delve into the black unknown of the unknown... is the cat dead or alive?  Pure math and speculation is all very nice and Quantum Mechanics has revealed some wonderful things... but we still can't answer the really big questions.

I have some issues with OCD and ADHD so forgive me if I'm overly wordy and repetitive.  I'm noted for being a motormouth and can go on and on like a dripping tap.

There must be some very simple kinds of answers to some very big questions.  Good organization requires looking after the basics.  Look after the little things and the big things tend to look after themselves.  All great ideas come from the imagination... triggered by things heard and seen.  I'm a photographer and painter in acrylics, oils and alkyds paints and well suited to using my imagination.  I don't have to worry about losing tenure for being a bit radical.  Physics, as Lee Smolin pointed out in "The Trouble with Physics" has a kind of hierarchy and it's not safe to rock the boat with ideas that rock the foundations of what we already think we know.  You don't know what you don't know.  Blind people don't know what they aren't seeing.

Theoretical Physics requires looking inside Shrodinger's box to see what happened to the cat.  Someone had to do it... here we go.  While there will be some rather large numbers involved, the math is basic and simple.  I would like to remind the reader that Michael Faraday was a grade school educated young man who was working as a bookbinder before Sir Humphry Davy plucked him out of obscurity, noting that he was a very smart young man with a bent for scientific thinking, and set him to work on the new-fangled electricity problems... magnets and such.  Faraday was a bookbinder, a bit of a loner, and a customer at the shop gave him a ticket to a lecture by Humphry Davy, the Queen's scientist.

That was a pretty big deal to Faraday who was not well off... bookbinding didn't pay all that well, and he was interested in science.  He went to the lecture, took copious notes, then bound them in leather and sent them to Sir Humphry who was so impressed, he hired Michael Faraday to work for him.  Sir Humph may have taken some of the credits for the discoveries, but we know it was Faraday who came up with our first modern ideas of Electrical and Magnetic Laws.

Sometimes a fertile imagination is more valuable than the learning of a million books.  The books help, but the mind needs to go to the dark places without fear and predjudice or superstitions.  No clue is too small to be overlooked.

I, like all physicists, have my own predjudices about what is what and who is right about what but, that said, I have no axes to grind with any theories and my ideas should fit in, nicely, with just about all with no serious issues.  I should, however, mention that my feeling is that Gravity is nothing more than Fermions and all energies to come to rest... but they can't because they can't share the same space, at the same time... ye olde Pauli Principle.  Gravity is push, not pull.  It works out the same, more or less.  I'm just warning you that I have a very solid theory about gravity and it is a repercussion of the battles between matter and non-structured matter all with inherent desire to come to rest but never can because a point source reality is not possible.  Point sources exist only on a blackboard full of Calculus.

All things have spin and transmit spin because everything is connected to everything all at once all of the time forever.  The byproducts of spin are poles... objects with opposite spin.  It can't be helped and there will always be a 50-50 left right spin balance going on... trying to correct the  balance between physical and Electromagnetic Forces.

Following the Law of Large Numbers, if we put a large enough number of spinning balls (Electrons) into Shroedinger's Box and that box is at the center of rest, relatively, at least, then all of the balls will want to be there, all at once, all of the time.  They can't... an eternal fight ensues...  there will always be Fermions and what has always existed can't be destroyed, no matter what form it takes.  Matter and energy are part of the eternal duo of empty reality and something that fills it.  Hard to make dough without getting lumps, isn't it?

If there were only TWO spinning balls put into the box, each would fight the other, to come to rest, at dead center.  Nobody seems able to win, but they may have a convenient compromise to provide relative rest, to both.

Imagine you can see into the darkness of the void of Shrodinger's Box, looking for that cat... it's here somewhere... oh, right, we ditched the cat and now we have two balls, one right spinning, the other left spinning.  Got that?  We are looking for the two balls in the void.  Let's illuminate them with Gamma Rays so we can see them... they are Electrons, after all, and LARGER than the WAVE LENGTH of the Gamma Rays which will give the Electrons some energy to get them dancing.  No time for sleep, here.  We can see in Gamma Ray and the Electrons are reflecting them so we may distinguish the two balls which will be working at aligning their spins so they may get cozy together.

I'm hoping you have the picture... TWO ELECTRONS, of opposite spin.  Side by each you will visualize one turning to the left, on its feet, while the other is the exact opposite direction... to the right.  Neither know up/down... they are side by each for a line up.  Both want to be center stage but can't.  They may share right/left legs side by each but, since there is no up, nor down anyway, why not stand feet to feet... align their spins so their feet, to each, are at rest while the bodies of both turn about their feet... at the center of rest.  Very convenient.  They seem to like it a lot.  Just try to get them apart.  Both may release maximum extra motion by being back to each, spins aligned together, and both have their feet at rest... exactly opposing the other's inertia.

They can only get closer by merging into one object.  How about 20 objects of who cares what they are made of, but they have the shape of tetrahedrons.  They are kissing cousins at war over a place of rest.  20 of them could become a very, very powerful object and do.  We call it an Icosahedron.  20 openings gathering all forces of wavelengths shorter than themselves... making slaves of all lesser material and energy forms, capturing them to do their will... be their eternal power source.  The tetrahedrons are powered by Dark Matter/Energy which is the 'stuff' in between the major Fermions in the universe.  The Electrons are in charge of the universe.  They outnumber all other Fermions, combined.

You need to know, whatever your teachings, I'm a big fan of Dark Matter and Energy being everywhere and we are using it every day of our lives.  It's everywhere... it's only DARK because we don't have the antennae to see it all.  Space Telescopes are now working ir Infra Red and Xray and some Gamma Ray frequencies so we are seeing farther into the DARK every day.

In space, everywhere, whatever you choose to believe in whatever theory you believe in, there is energy in space, everywhere, all at once, all of the time... radio waves, X-rays, Gamma Rays and such.  If you choose to not care if it is matter, or energy when it seems like nothing, that can work, so long as one acknowledges that there is SOMETHING between the Electtrons which, as we know, may transmit Electromagnetic Waves of all frequencies... shortest, to longest.

Meanwhile, back in the box.  Fermions are objects larger than whatever is in between them... they 'float' by their buoyancy, or 'fall/move' by their mass/energy.  My point is they will be on the move, always but, if the Fermions are not destroyable (think Electrons), then eternity is infinite because, although they may not have always been... probably were, no two may break the Pauli Principle and the Universe will be powered from the Electrons on up.  The energy source, for the entire universe, is widely distributed at the smallest level of material reality, to us, at the level of the Electron.  They want to find rest but never will.  They push their way around.  Gravity is push, not pull and, like everything else, is powered at the smallest level of material reality, the Electron, one Electron at a time.  There is no shortage of them... ZILLIONS of tiny, extremely stable, permanent magnets that seem not destructable.  I like to assume they are made of Dark Matter which also generates Gamma Rays.  We can generate Gamma Rays by hitting certain tough metals with high beam Electrons.  So... where, exactly, are those Gamma Rays coming from, the metal, or the Electrons?

As for the stuff "in between", whatever it is you think it is, might is right.  The Electrons are the bullies of the universe and will just push the little fellows out of the way, or dump their excess energy into them.  Nothing is going anywhere unless an Electron says so.

Theoretical Physicists are the detectives of the physic's world... trying as best they can to solve the most unsolvable of problems.  An open mind and good observations skills are essential.

I am 73 years old.  I never got to practice physics.  I went straight from high school into the Canadian Naval Officer School in Esquimalt, B.C, at the time and, at age 19 I was a Sub-Lieutenant in the navy.  My naval experience was helpful when I finally got back to looking a physics around 2002.

In 1966 I was the Navigator of HMCS Cape Scott and got to take her to Europe and South America.  Viewing the world from a moving platform in a moving ocean on a moving planet with moving stars was all rather normal for me.  I was wondering how something could be HERE and THERE at the same time and realized the answer was, extraordinarily, simple.  One only need exceed the speed of light.  It didn't take much longer to realize that velocity was set by the formula for the volume of a sphere.

My study of relativity and motion made me realize that NOTHING ever goes in a true/absolute motion. All motion is wave motion... ALL MOTION.  Nothing sits still.  You are flying around the world and through space and about 500KMS, right now.  Your body is trying to find rest but never will.  It is trying to find rest at the center of the Earth and pushing you down to it.  I believe Gravity is push,not pull... a result of objects trying to find rest in an ever moving universe.  We fly through space, south pole forward, towards the center of our galaxy.  I made a YouTube video about that which you may find here... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPjohZCMwmI  or search YouTube for "David Silvercloud, Fixing Einstein".

In 2002 I went on to develop a good theory about why Solids are solids and why Liquids are liquid, and Gasses are gasses, etc.  I had issues with the Electron but have had a good relationship with Electrons since I was about 14 when I taught myself how radio, TV, Radar and most electronic things worked.  I'm good at mental visualization, not great at math.  I have had a mental image of how Electrons work since I was 14 years old.

When I read Einstein's Relativity, I noticed he didn't look at waves, at all, in his mental pictures of the railway car and observers.  But, waves were all brand new, at that time, and light was not well understood even in 1916.  My gut feeling is that light isn't, exactly, what we think it is anyway and I have HUGE issues with the word 'Photon' because it is so misunderstood.

There have been many fantastic inventions and advances in applied physics over the past 75 years but no real breakthroughs in Theoretical Physics.  Lots of theories going nowhere.  Even Big Bang Theory is so shot full of holes that only the brain dead would believe it.  Relativity, also, has serious, serious issues nobody likes to talk about.  Face it, there is something wrong with General and Special Relativity but nobody has come up with a better idea.  My concept thinks Big Bang is an idiot idea for Creationists, totally without a drop of any kind of logic, leaving more questions than answers.  I'm pleased that my concept allow for a GUT theory.  It enables all of reality, all at once, all of the time.  The universe is an ocean of infinite shores and energy spread over an infinite space... but, the amount of energy is a constant as it is never created, nor destroyed.  It only seeks rest which is impossible because of the duality of reality... space and stuff in it which eventuates two kinds of spin for any object occupying anything larger than a theoretical point source/ a singularity of no mass nor size, only co-ordinates in time.  There is no center and nothing sits still.  All quite mind numbing, isn't it?

Any sane person will come to recognize that eternity is all rather normal, and infinity is also.  There is no edge to reality and can't be... there is no logic in that.  Throw your superstions out the window and face reality.  There are no gods and the universe has always existed and always will.  The humans, I don't expect to be so fortunate and I have zero faith in the human race.  I'll be dead soon enough and, if you don't pay me any attention, it matters not.  I expect a horrific future for the human walking talking animals.  I'll be out of here.  I have no respect for humans any more... none.  I care not a wit what you think of me and I keep to myself.  I assume I'm constantly surrounded by idiots who are a danger to themselves and everyone around them.

About a year ago, I took a break from my painting... I'm tryng to be an artist in my old age, and began trying to figure out how Electrons fit into the solid, liquid and gass picture.  I determined it had to be, like all particles, a shape but spheres were not allowed for mathematical reasons I'm certain you will understand... too many edges and surfaces etc.

At first, I determined that it must be a Tetrahedron, that being the most stable shape in the universe, but that seemed like a bad shape to move through metals... I needed something more spherical yet extremely stable... indestructable kind of shape.  That shape is the Icosahedron.  That leads to some idea what number and size the more elementary Dark Matter particles must take to build Electrons.  I was not looking at the Speed of Light, at all.  I was trying to determine the shape of the Electron and how it fit into my view of the Elements.

I look at Atoms as being highly similar to Hoberman Sphere's... jointed structures where Electrons are the ball bearings.  That allows the element to change shape from solid, to liquid, to gass.  My best guess is that the Elements, as solids, take the shapes of the Johnson Solids for the non radioactive elements... just my view.  I don't like the concept of Photons and I don't like Big Bang Theory.... just throwing that in so you know where I'm coming from.  Big Bang is so full of holes I can't believe any sane scientist would fall for it.  It has, as Spock* would say, no logic at all... none.

I'm one of those people who is very reclusive.  I've given up on the humans as hopeless and nobody ever has a clue about the things in which I take interest, nor do they seem to have any knowledge of much of anything at all.  I'll be dead, soon enough, so this is my attempt to spread some of my ideas.  I welcome feedback from those who might have a clue what I'm talking about.

I have enought self esteem to not give a crap what anyone thinks about me.  Your opinion will only mean something to me if you gain my respect.

Well, let's jump into it.  No hard math, just really logical theory.  Keep Michael Farraday in mind while you read this.  Thank you for your attention.  Please spread the idea.  

*Character in Star Trek

Hoberman Sphere In my view, of reality, atoms take on structure and follow the concepts seen in the Hoberman Sphere model, above... joints that allow the object to easily change size and shape.  I assume those joints are Electrons. I view Electrons as ball-bearings and power sources... if they encounter any electromagnetic energy, they will move to compensate.  If physically moved, they will seem to generate Electromagnetic Waves... and do.  A universe without structure doesn't work well for a control freak, like myself. In a universe of infinite size contained objects of equal size and mass, they would sort themselves out in equal spaces and there wouldn't be a lot of fighting going on.  If alliances are formed and groups get together, now we have a rumble and there will be winners and losers, controllers and the controlled.  There will be groups that occupy less space but act like a larger object.  An eternal struggle for balance must ensue between matter and non matter... the organized and the lesser organized.  There are only so many shapes an object may take that are unique.  We call them things like the Plantonic Solids and there is another extremely important group, the Johnson Solids.  In my world, there is structure.  Inside all cubes there exists a very interesting shape.  It may be outlined by drawing an X o the six surfaces of the cube.  Shape matters.  Size matters.

Every Sphere and Every Cube contain this shape. (Historical note:  The Kaba, in Mecca, and the First and Second Temples' Holy of Holies, of the Jews, were cubes, about 50 feet cubed.  The Merkaba Star, above right, and the Seal of Solomon/Star of David have similar shape, above.)  

OBSERVATIONS:

1:01  Electrons are magnets which are spinning gyroscopes.  They are extremely small magnets that generate weak force when they topple or wobble.  Gyroscopes may be topples and swayed by any force greater than their inertia/mass and, when done so by other Electrons, or any kind of physical force disturbing their inertia, will generate Electromagnetic Waves... they can generate/propogate energy.  Electrons do spin and can be toppled.  While they have very little energy, one at a time, they exist in numbers larger than the sum of all Protons and Neutrons... as Neutrons already contain, at least, one Electron and Protons are missing an Electron equivalent.  Might is right, and force rules.

1:02  Electrons may exchange themselves between Elements and move through "conducting Elements"... often metals.  They don't have to move to transmit energy.  They may simple 'roll' out of the way and let the energy pass while, at the same time generating a wave at 90 degrees to the motion of the electrical force.... that would be the magnetism of the Dark Matter/Energy which is also magnetic, in nature.

1:03  Electrons are Leptons/Fermions which occupy space and have mass.  They are "here and there" at the "same time".  They fill three dimensional space with their presence.  They have size.  They are singularities moving at 4/3 P c3 for the time they take to be HERE and THERE (at the SAME RELATIVE TIME) when viewed with Light Speed information.

1:04  Electrons, as particles, may be accelerated to near Light Speed and, when travelling as objects at high velocities are called Beta Radiation.

1:05  Electrons are the most abundant Fermion/Leptons in the universe.  They outnumber all other Leptons and Fermions.  Neutrinos are not considered to be a stable particle in this observation.  Might is right.

1:06  Electrons are the smallest Fermions/Leptons in the universe.  They are so small that their relatives, the Proton and Neutron have nearly 2,000 times the mass.

1:07  Electrons seem to be indestructable yet they have shape/size.  A sphere is illogical because that would require a mathematically infinite number of parts.  My best guess is that the Electron is made of smaller parts and has the shape of an Icosahedron.  That shape is extremely stable, nearly spherical, and offers many different spin poles.  It would be prudent to assume the "smaller parts" are those of Dark Matter and held together by Dark Energy.  It might be prudent to think of Gamma Rays as Dark Matter particles... I do.

1:08  All chemical and electronic action between Elements is directly dependent upon the exchange or sharing of Electrons.

1:09  No information, of any kind, may reach the human brain except by way of Electron Exchange.  No matter how fast the information is generated, we may receive it at only one Electron at a time... i.e.  it takes about one Nano Second/Foot for light speed information to travel from here to there.  If you touch a hot stove and it is three feet from your finger to your brain, it will take 3 nano seconds for the inforation to reach your brain and another three nanoseconds for the information to get back to your hand to get your finger off the hot stove element.

1:10  You can't see anything unless an electrical signal is sent from your Eye Nerve to your brain.  Your Eye Nerve is, conveniently, about one Micron in size... perfect for resonating with a one Micron Band Width of light.  Your Nerve Cells are, also, at least one Micron in Diameter so they may receive the wave length of a heat wave... about 950 nano meters in length.  Your brain gate must remain open long enough to receive that data... why you function at about 10 frames per second (why animation is always 12+ frames per second to avoid flicker).

1:11  You would not be aware of the ouchy ouch ouch of heat unless your nerve cells could detect heat with suitable antennae.  Without those nerve cells you could be burned, alive, in complete comfort.  Same thing with your eyes... the Rods and Cones are antennae tuned to the wave lengths of the light spectrum.  There is no "light" out there... it's all in your brain.  You could just as well function with sound waves or radio waves if you had suitable antennae.

1:12  The recognized Speed of Light in a vacuum is 299,792,485 nanometers per nanosecond, as is the velocity of all Electomagnetic Waves.  Light is special to humans and to matter.  Light is a repercussion of released, or reflected, Electromagnetic Energy inside a specific range of Wave Lengths... about 200-800 Nanometers.  There is no "light" unless those specific wavelengths are detected by Human Eyes.  Only Humans and Carbon Lifeforms seem to be dependent upon and recognize light waves.  Granite, it would seem, couldn't care less and will reflect light waves of frequencies that resonate with Elements within the Granite.

1:13  It is important to realize that Light is a kind of illusion based upon our actual physical size.  We have antennae in our eyes that can detect that particular frequency range of Electromagnetic waves.  It's a product of our actual physical size.  Size matters.  Size if relative to perception and reaction.

1:14  Atoms seem able to absorb or reflect energies of particular Wave Lengths.  They seem able to absorb wavelengths SHORTER than their physical size, and seem to reflect waves longer than their physical size.  Something similar seems to happen with molecules and larger structured physical bodies.  We respond to the longer wave lengths of motion we call gravity.  Gravity is energy seeking rest and never can.  Like dust bunnies in the corner, matter will collect in areas of least motion... preferably at the exact center of motion.  Gravity is a result of motion... energy seeking rest that never can.  No two Electrons may occupy the same place, at the same time (Pauli Principle).  There will be an eternal fight between polarized objects to occupy the same space of rest.  Gravity is not pull, it is push.

1:15  When push comes to shove, size matters.  One does not see short people being bouncers at the bar.  A fight between two equals can be interesting... the winner will, likely, be a matter of circumstance... shere luck.  In the Law of Large Numbers, if enough fights, or enough contestants go at it, it will ALWAYS come out about 50-50 in wins and losses.  Since Electrons come in both left and right spinning variety... they have no choice, then there will always be fights for rest and it will cause energy concentrations and depeletions over time and area.  The universe can never end and has always existed... it, simply, has a lot of ways of presenting itself dependent upon the SIZE of the observer.  Light does not exist to the beings who might live upon a Carbon Atom.  A second is a very long time to a being living upon a Carbon Atom.  The frequencies and Wave Lengths a being, living upon a Carbon Atom, might consider to be "light" would be in the Gamma Ray area.  Light is an illusion of size and definition.

1:16  Atom smashers tell us there has to be energies released in the Light Wave Bandwidth... light occurs... but light is reflection/reaction/resonation.  The air around us is full of thousands of wavelengths/frequencies of Electromagnetic radiation, most of it relatively harmless to us because of our physical size, not too big, not too small.  Atom smashers consider the Alpha radiation to be a result of the collisions but don't consider it in the construction of the Protons.  WHERE is the Alpha radiation coming from and why?  Is it not possible it is being CREATED in the the atom smasher... protons becoming Helium? And what is the Beta count?  Where are the Electrons coming from, in what quantity and why?  I've not worked at an Atom Smasher so I wonder about how the total Alpha and Beta count is being made... they are Leptons escaping the scene of the collisions.

1:17  The virtual particle we call the Photon has no mass and too small to generate even a single light wave, by itself.  A single RED WAVE will not fit into a single photon, inside an atom.  A Hydrogen Atom will have a Proton and an Electron... the mass of a Neutron.  There is an energy difference, however.  The Electron is NOT at rest as much as the Proton is... at the center of the Atom.  Rest occurs at the center of motion, relatively.  But, by definition, the Proton contains Photons.  The entire diameter of the Hydrogen Atom is but a few Picometers... far short of a single RED WAVE at about 666 Nanometers.  Photons are energy and not light.   That we use Photons to measure Light Energy is causing a lot of fallacy of ambiguity in the world.  The word Photon is causing a lot of issues in the world of physics because of the way too many people think of it.  If we are not looking, directly, at a light source such as the sun, then what we think is light is the reflected energies from the matter being struck by light wave energies... we are seeing the resonations of atoms in the material reflecting the energy, the Farraday Cages of the atoms are shaking.  Light waves are too long to fit between the molecules and atoms.

1:18  Light is EVERYWHERE present.  The proof of that is that one may place a light sensing device in open space, even in the shadow of a moon, and light waves will be detected... light energy frequencies, however low, will be detected in open space... at close to Absolute Zero.  Even in, apparent, pitch darkness we can detect the very long waves of infra-red light waves and 'see in the dark'.  Where there is energy, there will be light waves, however insignificant.  If there can be light waves in the dark, it would be prudent to assume there is a vehicle which is resonating to transmit them.  Electrons are not big enough but they can relay the information... i.e. it is not, physically, large enough to be a complete HEAT WAVE, but a stream of Electrons can become a HEAT WAVE.  Similarly, there can be 'particles' smaller than the Electron that, while too small to BE LIGHT WAVES can transmit them.  I would suggest that Gamma Rays are particles of Dark Matter, or its cousin.  Gamma Rays are the border line frequency of Dark Energy/Matter and/or very closely related, in my mind.

1:19  Electromagnetic Waves ALWAYS bend towards the denser medium... they are seeking rest and must disolve into ever smaller waves to join a theoretical ZERO WAVE of no motion, at all... no energy.  This conforms with the Laws of Thermodynamics.

1:20  Black Holes are NOT BLACK... they simply aren't radiating energy in the LIGHT WAVE spectrum.  Light has no mass and CAN'T BE EFFECTED BY GRAVITY by definition but, as waves may bend towards the denser medium then trapped by it... its wavelength adjusted to the new reality... longer (hotter).  Light may be emitted by a source in decay as energy, and reflected or absorbed dependent upon the physical size of things it stricks in its path.  Black holes seem to be cold and not emitting heat... 950nm waves.  If they are dense and large enough, the waves would be in the household Electrical wave length kind of waves.  We would need antennae a few miles long to detect them electronically and "see" them as objects.  We would have to see in wave lengths of 5-20,000 meters because the short wave lengths will be squeezed out at light speeds at the North Poles of the Black Holes.  Well... that's the way I think, but I have a structured universe in my reality.  Black Holes MUST grow and there MUST be a critical mass.  We don't observe Black Holes blowing up... in fact, they are a theory not proven.  There may be things that seem like Black Holes but, seriously, while an interesting idea, they aren't black and they do emit energy.  Also, Black Holes would indicate that the universe would begin and end... something not observed... it didn't come from nowwhere, and the idea of an infinite universe coming to an end is not logical and just plain silly.

1:21  Light and energy waves bend towards stars because the space area around the stars is much more dense than farther away.  Light bends towards the denser medium and will be ABSORBED AS ENERGY by things larger than itself that block the way.  The wave will be converted into other wave lengths... the longer wave lengths of matter.

1:22  The Universe seems to be receeding from us/accelerating away from us because we are on a path towards the center of our Galaxy, the Milky Way.  Wave Lengths associated with the Galaxy become ever shorter towards the center... i.e. our surrounding energy waves are becoming ever shorter and shorter.... waves that are many thousands of meters long or kilometers long.  Remember that 60 cycle household energy has waves 5,000 meters long.  The proof is that all energy seems to be receeding from us as we move towards the center of the Milky Way at about 500KMS.  The entire planet should resonate itself to death when we reach wave lengths, in our galaxy, that are the diameter of our planet... a really big one that should cause the planet to explode.

1:23  The farther a light source is away from us, the longer the path it must take.  The light waves will bend towards stars and galaxies, along its path to us.  The more bends, the greater the distance the energy waves must travel, the more BLUE waves will be lost... ergo, things farther away will have greater RED SHIFT.  It's all rather normal.

1:24  Black Holes are anything but black.  They simply are too large to emit short wave lengths in the visible light spectrum.  I expect they will contain large amounts of radioactive heavy materials radiating short range Alpha and Beta  particles... remember, they are OBJECTS that can be HERE and THERE at the SAME time.  Electrons and Helium... too small to emit visible light waves, and Uranium which emit no light waves at all.

1:25  All energy is trying to find rest.  There MUST be a BLACK HOLE or relative point of rest at the center of all Galaxies.

1:26  Black Holes are radiating energy at their poles... they have no choice because they MUST spin and energy is at all wave lengths, not just the light spectrum.  Black Holes are not black... they are glowing with short frequency energies.

1:27  The energy radiated from Black Holes must be of extremely short frequencies... crushed atoms and there is evidence to indicate that Black Holes do, indeed, emit energy from their poles.  It is highly likely it is re-captured at the edges of the Galaxy, becomes Hydrogen, and star formation occurs at the edges of galaxies... as energy tries to find rest by falling into the Galaxy's motion  (Gravity is motion trying to find rest... push not pull).

1:28  Einstein's Relativity (1916) is, clearly, from the illustrations based upon LINEAR/NEWTONIAN MOTION... VECTOR MOTION.  No allowance was considered for waves coming or going at 90 degrees to the direction of motion, at all... or any other angle than straight ahead.  That error will make Relativity non compatable with Quantum Mechanics forever.  It's always problematic when point zero just won't stit still.  By the time one has the answer, the planet has moved millions of miles farther on, in space.  Relativity has issues I don't wish to get into.  The only important thing to know about relativity is everything is relative in many ways... size, motion, etc.

1:28  Black Holes are not black.  That was not a good idea.   Light has no mass, the proof of which is stars radiating light.  The laws of physics say energy can not be created, nor destroyed, so the universe must have always existed and gravity under present rules will mean all Black Holes will reach a critical mass and explode... or they could remain stable as the centers of large space cyclones we call galaxies.  Big Bang is a ridiculous creationist idea with no logic of any kind.  Better to assume space is infinite like a large sea with no boundaries.  There will be denser areas and areas of greater motion, all fighting it out for rest they will never find, except temporarity at the center of a galaxy... and, even that, is relative.  The Speed of Light is all rather normal at the Electronic level of reality.  An Electron need only displace the one beside it to reach the Speed of Light.  One for the other... at the speed of light.  It's happening all around you all the time, all at once, forever.

The Speed of Light is relative to how large you are. Imagine you are one Attometer tall.  You might have to run a bit to be at the speed of light.  Imagine you are a Femtometer in size.  At that huge size, you need only take a step, or two, sideways, to be traveling at the Speed of Light.  You would think that was very fast but it would be almost no movemetn, at all, when viewed by a human.  Anything that is an object is always trying to catch up to the Speed of Light and can't.  It may only spin faster and faster and faster and stand on the spot... be a standing wave of light speed energies... matter.  In theory, the faster you travel, the larger you are... you are HERE and THERE faster when viewed with LIGHT SPEED ENERGY.  Got that?

You aren't really larger, but you occupy more space in less time than the observer is doing.  It will sink in the more you think about it.  Imagine living on the surface of a Carbon Atom and, once you adjust for your size and time, Earth reality will start to seem all rather different to you.  The universe is a Light Speed universe... everything else is trying to catch up, all at once, all of the time.  It can't... rest is possible only in relative ways... spinning on the spot, perhaps sharing the space with an equal of opposite spin to balance out the pressures of flying through space.  Your body is trying to do that but the floor is in the way.  Good thing, huh?  Your feet are always pointing at the center of the Earth when you are standing still on the ground.  That is our closest point of rest in space.  If you are in orbit, you are moving very fast and will have to slow down to land or make a very big splat.  If you were an ant, you might be able to float down if you had light weight oxygen gear and anti-radiation suit.  I digress.

1:29  Shapes are important for a number of reasons.  Firstly, there are mathematical limitation to certain shapes.  Simple is good... basic things.  For instance, the Gyrobifastigium is an extraordinarily interesting shape... a dual of a single shape, the second of which is at 90 degrees and 180 degrees to the first.  Shapes like the Tetrahedron may be for obvious but it has a great cousin, the Octohedron. and both have duals which, like the Gyrobifastigium's square pup tents sharing a base, these are 'objects' which might easily share a point of rest, at their bases, where the only motion of consequence is spin, for each, while both have their feet planted at relative rest.  An Atomic Clock at the center of Earth will provide our best calculation of the NOW on Earth.  Clocks, at the poles, will have variances from those at the equator.  Nothing sits still.  Your feet are always pointed at the center of the Earth.  Your 'rest' is all an illusion.

GyroBiFastigium (a Johnson Solid) The pointy thing on the upper right can just as well be placed at the far left upon the far left square.  It would look like a neat rocket ship then.  

1:30  The Icoshedron makes a most excellent antenna shape.  The shape consists of 20 Tetrahedral cone-like shapes which may have specific lengths, very easy to tune to a particular frequency.  An Icosahedron is like 20 Tetrahedrons sharing a common point of spin and rest all at once, all of the time, together.  20 shapes sharing a singularity, a kind of stealth vehicle.  It is, also, a very buoyant shape, resistant to blows of any size.  It can float or blow with the breeze and cares not.  Icosahedrons take up time/space... just like Electrons do.  Both are extremely, seemingly, indestructable.

1:31  Space is not empty and contains shapes of various kinds of different size objects that differ from the space in between them.

1:32  Space is infinite.  A limited universe is illogical, requiring yet more explanations, and doesn't conform with what we observe.  Big Bang predicted the universe would obey the Laws of Thermodynamics, slow down and dome to an end, yet the EVIDENCE indicated acceleration of expansion of what we detect is speeding up, not slowing down.

1:33  Our Galaxy is moving in space and we appear to be moving towares the center of the Milky Way.  It is not unreasonable to assume that new stars are forming at the points of higest velocity... the edges of the Galaxy which are moving much, much, much, much faster than stars and planets closer to the center of our Galaxy.  It is not unreasonable to assume all stars are crushed out of existence at the center of a galaxy where densities and energies are very high.  A galaxy is a rather dense kind of nebula with spin.  We fly through space with our South Pole forward.  Planets, like Saturn do also, which explains the shock wave rings... the same thing you see when a jet fighter breaks the sound barrier.  The rings are just particulate caught in equilibrium between the poles as Saturn flies through space, south pole forward.

F18 breaking the sound barrier, leaving a moving, standing, wave of sound behind.

1:33  Space is like an ocean with objects suspended in it.  The objects tend to cluster, like dust bunnies in a corner, at the points of least disturbance, the points of maximum rest and least motion.  All motion inside the bus of a galaxy has the inertia of the galaxy which is in motion.  Like passengers on a plane or bus, the matter within the galaxy has the inertia of the vehicle containing them.  Our gravity is dependent, not only upon the size of our planet/galaxy, but upon the density and motion of the planet.  Gravity may vary wildly within different galaxies dependent upon their velocity of motion through space and the density of matter within the galaxy.  Galaxies are nothing more than big spinning disks moving through space.

Gravity is motion... objects trying to find rest.  No matter the size, density, or mass of anything, if one does not regard air resistance, all objects fall at the same rate... 32ft/sec/sec.

Size doesn't matter when it comes to falling. Both objects are subject to an identical force. Mass has nothing to do with it.  Size has nothing to do with it.   An elephant and a mouse will fall at the same rate.  Gravity is push, not pull. Relative rest is the goal... less motion/more inertia.

1:34  The Pauli Principle is extremely important in explaining motion.  No two objects may occupy the same place at the same time... no two objects may share rest except by acting TOGETHER to share rest... eg, a Hydrogen Molecule.   A left and right spinning atoms rest back to each and share spin direction as a single unit.  Their attachment is rather weak but it's like two Otters holding hands drifing down the stream, together.

1:35  While more dense bodies will have the ability to spin faster, gravity is motion and will be dependent upon the surface size of the gravitational object because the surface will move faster or at a similar velocity as would a smaller, more dense object.  Gravity on a balloon is not great... gravity is push, not pull, the universe is pressing down on everything, all at once, all of the time.  Space is not empty, never was and never will be.  Space is infinite and not empty, anywhere.

1:36  If, by definition, we know the number of Electrons in a unit of energy, such as the Ampere/Coulomb, then we should be able to count the number of Electrons past the gate per second, or nano second.  Time is arbitrary and we use seconds and relative to the observer.  So, in a zero wave direct current line of Electrons we have a good idea how many Electrons there are and how many go past the gate versus time, then we can measure the diameter of those Electrons, both theoretically, and with good engineering, mechanically.

1:36:2  If the speed of light is set by the physical size of an Electron, then the distance versus the number of known Electrons will give us the size of the individual Electrons... i.e. One Ampere divided by the distance between two times.  One may chose a second, or nano second, the answer will be the same as regards the size of the Electron if the diameter, or circumferance, of the Electron sets the Speed of Light.

Fractal Reality is the only reality that may tile infinite space, all at once, all of the time.

The frequency of Earth is one cycle per year. Video::  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPjohZCMwmI or search YouTube for:  "David Silvercloud, Fixing Einstein" The Wave Length of Earth is about 7 billion Kilometers.  We ride a Gravity Wave about 7 billion Kilometers long.  The Wave Length of our Galaxy, the Milky Way, is its diameter.  It rides a Gravity Wave that is light years long.  There is no Zero Wave unless reality comes to a complete stop, everywhere, all at once, all of the time.  What is time?  Time is frequency awareness.

FALSE EQUIVALENCY AND FALLACY OF AMBIGUITY

The Problem with Photons This is where I attempt to explain my view and issues with word/term "Photon" and other issues.

2:01 The STANDARD MODEL ATOM is made from parts, one of which is a PHOTON.  Here's the thing.  The Photon is a VIRTUAL PARTICLE, not a physical one.  A photon is a UNIT OF ENERGY, NOT A PHYSICAL OBJECT.  A Photon is a Quantum of Energy with PARTICULAR FREQUENCY AND WAVE LENGTH CHARACTERISTICS associated with an Electron.  If Photons and Gluons hold Quarks together, then it might be prudent to assume that it is Electrons holding the Quarks together.  I assume Electrons have the shape of an Icosahedron which, in my view of reality, it a kind of ball bearing joint piece of all matter.  Kind of a transverse all motion axle power distribution point in the drive system, as it were.  Electrons, with so many pole choices, don't much care... they adapt at the Speed of Light... themselves.  Electrons are and set the speed of light at the bottom end of the material world size scale.  Size matters.  Size is exponentially relative.

2:01:2  There is not a lot of difference between a Photon and a 60 cycle 110V electrical circuit except the vast difference of scale and that the PARTS of the Electrical WAVE are Electrons, while we don't know what the PARTS of the Photon are while still in the atom... I assume they are made of Dark Matter and Photons are DARK ENERGY being played out in the material realms.  Dark Matter and Dark Energy are NOT dark... just of a size and frequency we can't see in our Electonic bodies.  Dragon Flies see much differently than us, as do many insects and reptiles.

2:01:3  In my opinion, the word 'Photon' causes huge fallacy of ambiguity and false equivalency issues for many, many, many people and they have no idea, at all, they are the victim of too little information.  I don't much like the term "photon" nor "gluon" its cousin in crime.  It should, however, clue us in the the idea that quarks are held together with Electrons that give off a Photon/Quantum of Energy when kicked out of the comfort of rest in their particular Proton, or Neutron.

2:01:4  Interesting that photons are measured one for each with devices that count Electron output.  One one Photon in, one Electron out... all the Electrons, in the Universe, lined up in a row and moving one Quantum's worth of distance, inversely squared from the relative source/time.  Size is everything and it doesn't take much to move an Electron... one Quantum, one Photon, one Gluon... take your pick.

2:01:02  We assume too much about ourselves and make too many assumptions not based upon facts.  We never see light, but we detect the resonations of matter vibrating with the energy striking it.  Somehow, our brains interpret that as light/dark and colours.  Metals are often silver or black because the light is sucked right in or the faces of the atoms reflect most light.  You have to heat the metals to get them to resonate at Heat Wave wavelengths and frequencies... the one micron range.  We could use radio frequencies, like light, to have voltaic cells but we just haven't found a mix of things to make that work and would likely be very inefficient as the shorter waves don't pack enough energy to make the effort worthwhile.  Longest is strongest and the bandwidth of light is a very large energy vehicle.  Heat, its country cousin, is even more powerful.  The bandwidth of light is just about perfect to resonate most atoms and molecules.  Get them shaking and they will emit/exchange the energy for light and heat.

2:02 A Photon is a unit of measurement... like an inch, or foot, or calorie, or BTU or pound or mile or Kilometer.  It is a unit of measurement. There is no more idiotic nor silly idea than turning it into a particle, virtual or not.  I really think the concept of a Photon as a particle causes a ton of confusion.

2:03  Here, have a cup full of Photons.  Ad a quart of Photons to the pie mix.  Get over it... Photons are a very, very,  very bad idea if you don't recognize them as UNITS OF MEASUREMENT.  A Photon is ONE QUANTUM of energy, and not just ANY energy but a very, very, very specific amount and type of energy... it MUST have a frequency and wavelenght that fits into the light spectrum.  You can't have a photon of radio frequency, or Xray frequency.  It MUST fall into the light wave bandwidth.

2:04  Photons CAN'T spread over an area... they don't thin out over space/time.  A molecular cluster of Photons can't go far and can't cover enough area to cover a foot side by each.  It's absolutely, completely impossible unnless they SHATTER or DISOLVE into much, much, much small units.  Heat waves, just on the edge of light waves, don't ever get to be photons.  Radio Waves... identical to light waves except in frequency and wavelength, NEVER get to be Photons.  Photons are a ridiculous idea unless you understand it is a measurement and not a thing... not an object, something totally massless, like inches and feet.

2:05  Think about this... you live on the surface of a Carbon Atom.  Your atom has a circumferance of around about 300 picometers.  You are a few Exameters tall.  A second is a year to you.  Light waves are falling down all around you... but you will have NO AWARENESS of them.  Your world is TOO SMALL to resonate with them.  Your body is too small to SEE them.  You might get blown away like a hurricane in their presence.  Photons are energy on the move... but energy is motion, isn't it?

2:06  All things are trying to find rest, but can't.  So long as those pesky Electrons exist, motion will continue as the Electron chases its tail.  Electrons are magnets, and permanent ones, at that, it would seem.  Electrons are ALWAYS chasing their tails unless they find a comfortable home with an atom.  Electrons are like ball bearings and plug stops.  Neutrons have a plug stop Electron.  If they lose it... hard to do, the Neutron becomes a Proton.  Electrons, if they break down, will break down into Quanta units we will think of as Gamma Rays.  There is a strong possibility that Gamma Rays are Electron dust.

2:07  Electrons will move to maintain EQUILIBRIUM... their inertia in balance with their surroundings.  When an Electron moves it is because of a Quantum of Energy being exchanged.  A photon is exchanged.  While Photons have no mass I will imagine it to be an Electron size balloon full of energy... one Quantum.  Electrons can't always move in a straight line conductor... the fastest route/why the Speed of Light may vary.  Space is like a vat of marbles, not side by each in nice neat rows but scattered, even if they are the same size, at apparent random spots.  This causes energy to be radiated and dissipated the denser the medium.  Space, away from suns/stars etc. is pretty empty of matter size stuff.

2:07:2  Now here's the thing.  You don't much see lightning in space do you?  Maybe in plasma?  That's the thing.  To see light one will need matter that is large enough to resonate with the energy waves created by the Quanta/Photons.  The Quanta/Photons are nowhere near large enough to make a visible single light wave but, together, they may transmit those waves, like spectators in a stadium doing "a wave", standing up and sitting down, one at a time, side by each to complete the wave.

2:07:03  You see lightning, on Earth, because of Electron exchanges in air which gets heated, which is very hot gass which resonated the molecules around them to produce light.  The Photons are not light.  The Quanta are not light.  They are the fuel for the fire, but not the flames.  We really need to get used to the idea that we are already seeing and using and partaking of Dark Matter/Dark Energy, every single day and it is Quanta/Photons in nature.

SIZE MATTERS

3:01  Sitting on your Carbon Atom home, you don't know heat, even if you are sitting in a 3,000Kelvin bath of molten carbon.  You don't know what heat is because you aren't big engough to resonate with the waves.  Your body has expanded and you have become a gas.  You are a Hoberman Sphere kind of object.  As Carbon, you have many solid shapes with vertices, edges, and surfaces but, as a gas, you inflate as large as you can to try to ride out those tsunami like heat waves.

3:02  What happens is you expand, as best you can to deal with the violent motions... the Earthquake of Heat.  Heat is motion to you... Earthquake size waves, carbon destructive waves.  You have never know light and never will.  If you have light, it is in the Exameter wavelengths caused by Dark Matter.  Dark Matter is NOT DARK, it just isn't big enough to resonate light frequencies.  Think Gamma Ray kind of light.

3:03  How many kinds of Photons are there?  Red ones?  Green ones?  Blue ones?  White ones?  Pink ones?  How many photons in a stream of blue light?  How do Photons spread with distance to cover the entire wavefront?  Photons don't keep their Quantum State very long, do they?  Photons are not particles, they are units of measure.  Two inches can't leave a source and become 12 inches, or 20 inches.  Stop thinking of Photons as particles.

3:04  A single Photon with a full light spectrum is about 10,000 times the size of a Proton.  How, exactly, a Photon fits into a Proton I don't grasp, at all.  But breaking down a Proton will create bursts of energy that can resonate detector plates in the One Micron range and be detected.  Strangely, Atom Smashers have no ability to detect Helium.  One might think if one was smashing Protons at hight speed, they might form Helium atoms.  I do.  Until Helium detectors are fitted into Atom Smashers I guess we'll never know.

3:06  The Photon is too large to fit into the Protons which are supposed to contain it.  A full wave Photon has a size/wavelength of 800 nanometers... about 106 times larger than ANY proton.  A single colour Photon can be at least 100 nanometers in length... still an Elephant beside a mouse.  That is a problem, for me, and I don't accept Photons as particles.  Colour and light exist only inside your brain and that information could NEVER reach your brain except through sensors large enough to receive the information... the rods and cones of your eyes and nerve cells LARGER than one micron.  Eye nerve cells are about one micron.  Body cells can be as large as 3 microns... more than ample to receive the 950 nanometer heat waves.

ELECTRONS Might is Right.  Overwhelming force rules.

Electrons may pass energy in TWO ways... by rotation/vibration, or by physical exchange between elements... A/C or D/C.

4:01  Electron exchange... the movement of Electrons into and out of their stable shell/orbit/level will cause light waves to be generated.  The loss of an Electron or change in energy state causes an atom-quake... the atom shakes violently, disturbing the energy fields around it.  Electrons may  be used to bombard certain Elements to produce Gamma Rays... rays that appear to have wave lengths shorter than the diameter of an Electron.  The only explanation, for that, might be that Dark Matter and Energy is being generated/manipulated.  An Electron would have to topple faster than it was spinning as the only other explanation.

4:02  Electrons are easily controlled with magnets.  They have to be magnets.  I believe it is generally accepted that  all Electrons are magnetic in nature with two poles AND there are TWO kinds of Electrons... left and right spin.  Remember... spinning spheres are gyroscopes which may wobble, swing and topple... transmit energy from HERE to THERE over time.

4:03  Electrons are, conveniently, already the measure against which other measurements are made in the world of Quantum Mechanics/Physics.

4:04  Electrons may easily move between Elements when enough electrical pressure is applied.  There are so many Electrons around that we call them Free Electrons.  They are everywhere present and always moving around from place to place.

4:05  Electrons transmit and hold energy through excess spin or physical motion.  Electrons may spin or PHYSICALLY MOVE THROUGH SPACE AND OTHER ELEMENTS.  The question here is how do they transmit energy.  Electrons are magnets.  If they flip from pole to pole... 90 degrees to their spin axis, they will generate energy around them just as any permanent magnet will do.  If they are hit with excess energy, they need only flip poles to pass that energy on less the resistance they offered.  Electrons resist the flow of energy with their mass but it is almost non existent... the little guys are very, very, very small.  Size matters.  An insect may leap may times the height of its body and not be harmed.  Size matters.  It takes extremely little energy to move a piece of dust.

4:06  We already know that Electromagnetic Waves transmit through a vacuum and space.  THe mechanisim has not been worked out but I will suggest it here.  Space is NOT empty.  You don't have to agree with that but it is perfectly clear the energy transmits through space and empty space offers no reason why.  On the other hand, if we accept DARK MATTER and DARK ENERGY as being nothing more than things too small to measure, or see, with Electrons, then we can assume Dark Matter, as particles, offeres little resistance to Electrons.  We must also assume that space matter/Dark Matter/Dark Energy has magnetic properties... because it transmits electonic/Electron driven energies.

4:07  I have already said the Electron transmits energies through spin, topple and motion.  Let's examine that...

Whether, or not, Electrons are side by each, or separated, the energy is transmitted by way of Electrons and, because their spin and topple sets the frequency of energy, the stuff in between, whatever you may think it to be... I believe in Dark Matter will, likewise, transmit those frequencies in proportion to the Electrons size... Electron motion will generate the waves.

HOW FAR IS FAR? HOW BIG IS BIG AND HOW SMALL IS SMALL? RELATIVITY OF SIZE

Shape is key to characteristics and resonance of size... what colours will be reflected by Electromagnetic Waves.

I like to view atoms and molecules as having distinct shapes.  Atoms can be gasses or solids and that will vary with their physical motion and shape.  Shape will depend upon inertial physical energies... heat, as it were.  Gasses need more space than solids... they have their physical energy spread out over more space, in less time, than solids. There may be more space between the particles but they are moving much, much faster... being HERE and THERE in LESS TIME... a higher frequency, as it were, creating physical waves and electronic waves, at the same time, part of reality's dual nature.  Electrons will be at vertices as ball-bearings.  Shape will determine state.  Electrons are in a permanent solid state, as they set the Speed of Light.  If an Electron comes apart, I would expect a nuclear explosion and a ton of Gamma Ray Particles as the Gamma unfold themselves.

The Human Eye, and all eyes, have nerves which are of a size appropriate to resonate with the wave lengths of Electromagnetic Radiation hitting them.  Those wave are Tsunami Waves to the nerve, Earthquake type waves that will shake the nerve vigorously.

5:01  Can we do an experiment to count the number of Electrons in a fixed distance?  We know the speed of light, more or less, exactly.  This experiment is entirely dependent upon the accuracy of the information we know.  What do we know?

(1)  By definition an Ampere is One Coulomb of Electrons. (2)  A Coulomb is, by definition, 6.25 X 1018 Charge Units. (different sources quote different values from 6.24-6.28) 625,000,000,000,000,000,000 Electrons, to be precise. (3)  The Speed of Light is, approximately, 29.9cm/NanoSecond.

5:02  We may use that information to estimate the size of Electrons.  Protons don't move in a circuit, so thinking of Protons as charge carriers is redundant here.

5:03  Knowing the number of Electrons necessary to make a single line of Electrons (we measure the flow... it's a straight line thing) past a point vs time.  If we divide the distance by the number of Electrons we derive the diameter of a single Electron.

5:04  The Law of Large Numbers dictates that we should use the longest distance possible between measuring points... for the best accuracy.  We know that an Ampere is based upon a unit of time... the second.  How many Electrons will pass a singularity in one second?  By definition we use Amperes/Coulombs or similar measuring units.  In one second we may assume that 6.25 X 10 18 Electrons fit in the line from end to end.

5:05  Whether, or not, Electrons are lined up, side by each, or separated by space, no energy may pass them until they are spun, toppled, or moved physically.  Even if the space between is empty, the volume/distance between them seems to have the same resistance to Electonic Energy as do the Electons themselves.  So... we could assume that the Electron is the measure of the Electron UNIT and RESISTANCE OF SPACE no matter how it arrives at our sensors... Electronic and our Eyes and Brain.

5:06  Conclusion:  There is a rather startling reality to all of this.  It may take you a while to wrap your mind around it.  If the Electron sets the speed of light by being "here and there" at "the same time"... it IS the measure.  So... anything LARGER/BIGGER than an Electon is occupying more space/time "at the same time" as an Electron and is thus, at least figuatively, already moving at the Speed of Light.  A single Electron would take some time to travel from one end of the body to the other and it could NOT be everywhere present, in the body, all at once, at the SAME time.  In order to do that it would have to move much faster than the speed of light.

5:07  One might say that anything that occupies space is a standing wave moving at 4/3 Pi times the speed of light cubed for any given amoung of time where the radius of the sphere, so described, has the time frame defined by the radius of the sphere... the speed of light for any given length of time.  For a sphere to occupy space at the same time/instant, where EVERY part of the sphere was PRESENT, at the same moment of time, time with time referenced to the speed of light, then to exist for one second, it would have a radius of one second of light speed.  You, simply, use the formula for the volume of a sphere where the radius is the speed of light/time.  Thus, all matter, is standing waves of light speed energy when viewed from a platform moving slower than light speed... your Quantum Field, as it were.

5:08  The mass of a Proton and Neutron is about 1836 times that of an Electron.  Electrons and Protons seem to be extremely stable but Protons may be broken down into Quarks etc. while Neutrons decay into an Electron and  Proton.  To our knowledge, Electrons do not break down into anything but we must assume they have structure and parts because they occupy space.  I will suggest those parts are Dark Matter and likely bits of what produce Gamma Rays... the Gamma.  Electrons and protons are attracted to each other and the ratio will be 1836/distance squared between them.   Electons are not attracted to Neutrons and we seem to know why... Neutrons can spit out an Electron which must be the key to making them neutral, in the first place, to Electrons.  Neutrons are missing the spin energy of ONE ELECTRON.  There MUST be two kinds of NEUTRONS because Electrons can have LEFT or RIGHT spin... i.e. there are two kinds of Electrons.

5:09  If you touch something and it is three feet from your finger to your brain, it will take approximately 3 Nano Seconds for the message to reach your brain, at light speed.  Your brain, by the way, processes information at about 10 frames per second... that is why animation is at least 12 frames per second.  Film is 24 frames per second and video is 30 frames per second to ensure smoothness of image flow.

5:10  A wave can be Femtometers in lenth, or Kilometers in length.  If both begin their journey at the SAME TIME then the WAVE FRONTS should arrive at the same place at the same time... except the short wave lengths will have deteriorated greatly over distance and may not even make it.  Remember... longest is strongest when it comes to waves.  Remember, a bunch of small waves striking your legs on the seashore is much different than a 10 foot high wave tghat is five miles long.  You might end up dead.

5:11  A wave of one Femtometer will be thousands of times smaller than a wave of one kilometer and you will be able to pack thousands of the Femtometer waves into the SAME distance.  Einstein never got around to noticing that... nor doppler effect.  He did not account for ANY waves that were not traveling in the SAME direction as the observer... no math for that.  Nor did Einstein account for the fact that no object can ever move back to where it came from, in space.  What is EXTREMELY important here is that waves represent TIME.  A single short wave can have a life span of pico seconds while an Electrical House Current requires more time to exist.  The longest wave in the Universe is INFINITE... the ZERO WAVE.  It does not exist, except as a concept.  If all motion stopped, there would be no waves, of any kind.  Space is cold for no other reason than short waves are in very short supply there and there is no Electronic 'stuff' to hold the "HEAT WAVES"... something to RESONATE with the energy of 950 nano meter waves.

5:12  The Milky Way is on the move and taking us with it.  We are constantly on the move towards the center of the Milky Way so all objects will ALWAYS seem to be receeding from us and only objects ahead of us, or catching up to us (like the POLE STAR) will ever show a blue shift.  The only stars which can show a blue shift must be in front of us and closing distance to us... all others MUST have a RED SHIFT.  Relativity is all about moving forward and never backwards.  Earth travels in a long wave seven billion kilometers long and never makes a circle, in space.

CONCLUSIONS

7:01  When asking a question such as "What Causes the Speed of Light" one will, of necessity, require some basic knowledge of fundamental science and principles.  One must ask questions such as "how big is big and how small is small?"

7:02  We live in a very large universe but we recognize it is made of some very small parts.  General Relativiy and Special Relativity seem to lose all meaning at sizes smaller than one Micron.  That world is inside the box with Shroedinger's Cat.  We need to look inside that box.

7:03  When Einstein wrote his Relativity, in 1916, he didn't much pay attention to waves.  Waves would not come into serious study until a few years hence when they went inside a mysterious box with a cat.  When Einstein was considering Relativity, Tesla didn't realize he had invented radio and wi-fi, Marconi cottoned on to the radio potential, but nobody was thinking of waves with any serious intent.  We know a lot more about waves,  now, and Quantum Physics works well with them.  Fortunately, we won't need Quantum Mechanics for this theory.

7.04  Einstein had some serious things to say about the consequences of moving at Light Speed and still had not considered waves in his original theory... the red/blue shift.  Not a word.  He would compensate for inertial with Lorenz Transformations.  I want to speak of time.

7:08  Another issue I have with Einstein's approach to Relativity is that all of his formulae were based, as I see it, upon straight line velocities.  That is to say, the math that he generated... the formulae for solving, were all based upon a moving body moving in the SAME or exact OPPOSITE direction as the light waves.  It should be noted that waves were not considered by Einstein in the original text, nor was it realized, at the time, that light was just a very, very, very, very small part of a continuous spectrum of wave lengths.

The LAW OF LARGE NUMBERS LARGE NUMBERS AND PHYSICAL SIZE

8:01  Ampere or amp (symbol: A) is the unit of electrical current. The Ampere unit is named after Andre-Marie Ampere, from France. One Ampere is defined as the current that flows with electric charge of one Coulomb per second.

8:02  An ampere is the current flow of one coulomb per second. One electron carries a charge of -1.6 X 10 19 coulombs, so one coulomb has 6.25 X 10 18electrons. So one ampere is 6.25*10^18 electrons per second

8:03  Here's the thing.  If you were living upon a Carbon Atom, the concept of light would be non existent.  You would be too small to experience light.  You would need to be, say, at least one Micron in size so you could resonate with the wave lengths associated with light and you would, also, be able to feel heat... being able to resonate with a heat wave.

8:04  Now, let's get back to size and time.  It would be helpful to think of waves as single events... a single wave, for my purpose here.  A 60 cycle Electrical current has waves that are 5,000 Kilometers long.  Longest is strongest in the world of waves, so you can see that a 60 Cycle Electrical wave is quite the tsunami of a wave and why it is so powerful... can power motors and transmit a lot of energy per second.  In theory, since all bodies fly through space with their South Poles forward towards the center of their galaxies, one could use the body, flying through space, as a very large scale transformer.  Wrap the body... such as Earth, pole to pole a few times... the entire planet, as it were.  That is the Primary of the transformer.  Then secondary loops are placed at different points to draw the very long wave energies being captured in the conductor around the Earth/Space Body to bring it down to a useable Electrical Wave Length... 60 cycles is good.

8:05  We tend to think of high frequencies as being associated with high energy and they are... but as single waves it's like comparing dynamite to C4 explosive.  Both are very powerful but the C4 is high impact and extremely short waves while dynamite is lifting impact and long shock waves.  Small waves can be very useful if they don't have to go far... think wi-fi and smart cards.

8:06  Now, because I go on and on like a dripping tap... let's get back to size and time.  A second is a very long time to you who are living on a Carbon Atom.  A second is just some arbitrary time unit that evolved from our 24 hour clock system.  It has no meaning except what we have given to it.  It's just too long a time unit for our purposes here.  We live on a Carbon Atom.

8:07  Time, and size, are related in relative ways.  Units of measure require a ruler... a standard.  We have standards for what, exactly, a Meter is, or a Foot, or a Pound.  You get the idea.  Now, whatever the unit may be, there is a standard and I propose that the Electron is the standard by which is set the Speed of Light.  Nothing may reach your brain except by way of Electrons.

8:08  We measure just about everything with Electrons... that's a fortunate coincidence.  Quantum Physics uses the measures of the Electron as the standard unit, already.  That's so very fortunate.  We can't be quite sure, exactly, what the physical size of an Electron is because they don't sit still and we use Electrons to measure Electrons.  The thing is, they are NOT singularities and OCCUPY SPACE/TIME.  While they are involved in all electonic waves, the physical Electron IS NOT a wave but the measure by which all Electronic waves are constructed.  Electrons are solid bodies of matter... actual matter that sets the Speed of Light by their very existence and electronic characteristics in our Electronic Reality.  Ironically, reality is a kind of binary matrix the bits, of which, are Electrons and their sub parts... Dark Matter/Energy... also magnets too small to detect with Electrons except their effects... such as magnetism.  Theoretically speaking, there is no smallest part but the very smallest parts don't have mass because they lack Electrons and have masses MUCH less than that of the Electron, itself... which, ironically, has very little energy... about one Quantum, at the best of times, to get it to budge.  One needs a quantum of energy to get an Electron to react... an extremely small amount of energy to us who occupy so much more space AT THE SAME TIME.

GRAVITY THE PROBLEM WITH GRAVITY

The present concepts of gravity are in conflict with the Laws of Thermodynamics... things fall apart, they don't get together.  Attraction between matter is an optical illusion.  Gravity is push, not pull.

If a particle sets the speed of light, it is an object occupying space.  If that particle is magnetic and has the ability to choose what pole sits where, it is an active component of reality.  If one Electron,at one end of a conductor, pulls out, another will enter at the other end of the conductor.   Similarily, the opposite is true.  If an Electron is PUSHED into the conductor and they start piling up at the other end, they will start 'lumping', but have difficulty because of the poles.  If they start moving FASTER than they can get out, the "lumping" will definitely occur and the group will take on spin, moving faster and faster and faster until they reach "light speed".  At that point no forward movement occurs, any more and the Electrons become a STANDING WAVE of ELECTRONS... the solid stuff gets very real and in your face.

THE CONCEPT OF FOLDING SPACE

Photographer's Flip... Wire Ring with reflecting cloth which may be folded for storage.

The Singularity (arrow) must now follow the SAME path in less space.

9:01  Space is not empty.  The sum of all space is the sum of all energy.  That energy is more intense from one place to another.  Nothing is ever at rest and nothing stays in the same place unless it can move in a circle as fast, or faster than things moving around it... a tornado is energy concentrated in a small space moving slower, forward, than all the energy around it.  A tornado is folding space and energy..  Space must be infinite as nothing else holds any logic of any kind.  The universe is not enclosed but varies in density from place to place with what we call matter.

9:02  Matter gathers in the places of most resistance and least motion, like dust bunnies in a corner.

9:03  Motion is energy being expressed in time/over time... just as energy is expressed over time such as Foot Pounds or Horse Power.  Energy may take other forms but it is still compressed motion/waves.  The more energy, the more motion.  If motion can't express itself over distance, then it must compress or fold space in time.  Waves are compressed energy over time.

9:04  Energy versus distance is a wave... the slower stuff getting out of the way of the moving stuff by stepping aside for a time as the energy passes.  The longest wave is no wave at all, yet that makes no sense as regards energy.  The longest wave is no wave or empty space or space with no localized energy... evenly distributed energy, everywhere, all at once, all of the time.  A given amount of energy may be expressed as a long wave or a number of short waves occupying the same space in time.  Wave motion is oppossed and compresses energy over time.  Matter is folded energy... folded space, space that is burning off fuel, so to speak, before it may land by weaving and circling in time.

9:05  To be HERE and THERE at the same time as things around you, you must move at 4/3 P r 3 where the radius of motion is distance versus time.  For instance, to remain a stable wave/object of 500 feet, for 0ne minute in the same place, one would have to move at 4/3 P r 3 where r was 500 feet and the time was one minute.  i.e. One is moving at 500 feet per minute but, to stay put and have energy, one would have to move at (4/3 P 500 3)/ one minute.  One would become a sphere of 500 feet and bouyant within the medium surrounding one.

9:06  Matter acts like dust bunnies in a storm and gathers in the places of most resistance to motion/place of rest by compressing forward motion and/or spinning on the spot.  Spin is a reaction to motion and resistance to motion.  Things move toward the greater density... change direction of motion, compress energy.  The idea is similar to Einstein's e=mc2 but Einstein considered, only, VECTOR motions in his original idea... the Raiway car and observer.  He did not consider any motions except forwards and only energy coming from directly behind or directly in front.  He ignored the 3rd dimension and ignored wave motion, entirely.  He realized that inertia was stored energy compressed into space but didn't consider its volume.   Hope you got that.  If you need only the direct force values, e=mc2  will cover it, but the real value is the volume of energy.

9:10  If you are having issues imagining folding space, think of a Photographer's Flip... a device for reflecting light which may be, easily, folded for storage.  It is a wave in a package, two turns where there once was one.

HYPOTHESIS

6:01  The particle we know as the Electron is the clock that sets the Speed of Light and why that speed becomes more difficult to exceed the larger the mass of any object.  The greater the mass of anything, the more Electrons must be displaced to move it and accelerate.  The energy required will be directly proportional to the number of Electrons per second displaced... how much energy that takes.  The more Electrons displaced, per second, the more energy it will require.  It does not matter if actual Electrons are displaced, as the space in between is full of something, or other, that will transmit, exactly, the volume and energy of the Electron.  If the Electron topples pole to pole, it is a magnet and will generate that energy into the space surrounding it... pass the energy on and not hold on to it.  Electrons are always moving at the speed of light if they move at all.

6:02  As a solid sphere, to be HERE and THERE at the SAME time, there must be a point source moving at 4/3 P r3 where r is the speed of light, thus... 4/3 P c3 for any given amount of time. 6:03  To exist, anything which we perceive to be 'solid' will be a point source moving so fast as to seem to be a standing wave to our perception of it at information arriving at the Speed of Light.  All information arrives to our brain at the Speed of Light by way of Electronic circuitry.

6:04  Nothing may reach your brain except by way of Electrons and they are the 'bits' of the Off/On information stream to our brains.  The very shortest 'bit'of information your brain may receive is ONE ELECTRON jumping one synapse.  That happens at light speed and information is exchanged.

6:05  When an Electron changes energy level/shell level and makes a 'quantum leap'it will release, or gain one Photon's worth of energy...  we detect them giving off light and will assume they regain it when falling back into a 'normal' state.

6:06  Stationary is a relativity concept.  We are moving through space at more than 500Kms.  All things are relative, as you will have to understand and accept.  We are flying through space on a long wave pattern, seven billion kilometer long waves per year, and moving ever closer to the center of our Galaxy, the Milky Way.  All things seem to be receeding from us.  Think of yourself as the navigator of a ship in a very fast moving sea called Space.

6:07  We regard the speed of light, in space, to be 299,792,458 ms.  For the purposes of this theory I will simplify the speed to 299,000 kms.  In order to bring the Speed of Light down to a more manageable number for thought purposes, and to make things easier to follow, we must think about things at a very tiny level with very, very small values.  If you adjust the Seed of Light to how far it moves in ONE NANO SECOND, then we get 29.9cm (299,000,000 divided by one billion after you convert it to Centimeters.

299,972,485X 1,000 meters X 1,000 millimeters =  299,000,000,000,000 mm DIVIDED by 1,000,000,000 = 299,297,485mm Divided by 1,000 (to convert the mm to cm) = 29.9 cm

WAVES VERSUS WAVE FRONTS

6:08  It is extremely important to remember that it is the WAVE FRONT that is moving that fast and NOT THE WAVE.  The wave may only move as fast as its parts and that may be only a few microns as part of the wave which may be kilometers long.  So, the question is, how small are the parts and how far do they have to move to move at the Speed of Light?  If you are very, very small, you don't have to move very far, at all... the wave front will still be moving at the Speed of Light.

6:09  Electromagnetic Energy is measured against time.  One Ampere of Electricity is the same amount as One Coulomb of Electons... i.e. 6.25 X 10 to the 18th power Electrons.  Interestingly, the value varies between many respected publications but is always between 6.24 and 6.28 so I will use 6.25 X 1018 Electrons.  Actually, the definition is charged bodies, so it could apply to Protons, as well.  Protons are not what we use to transmit energy so, what is important for here is the Electron. When that number flows by a stationary point in time, we define it as One Ampere of Electrons when the resistance to flow is One Ohm.  From this we derive Ohm's Law... E=IR or voltage time amperes over resistance in ohms.

6:10  If you do the math, you may readily calculate how many Electrons there should be between two points, if you know the voltage, resistance and distance.  What that should mean is that a conductor the length of the Speed of Light for One Second should hold a linear line of Electrons, side by each, and one should be able to ad up the diameters of the Electrons and it should equal the distance for the Speed of Light for One Second.  Got that?

6:11  If you divide the Speed of Light for One Second by the number of Electrons in a Coulomb, let's round up the Speed of Light to 300,000 Kms and divide by 6.25 X 1018 Electrons and it comes out to about 4 Femto Meters... a bit larger than we would like to see.  Less than 3 would be more in line with experiments.  BUT... if you consider that Electrons can push their way around or roll their way around, then 4 Femtometers would be close to the circumference we would like to see.  The whole point here is to get you to start seeing the Electrons and something in between that may be much smaller but Electromagnetic in nature and responding volume/mass per volume/mass of motion of the Electrons, thus transmitting the energy in a continuous fashion, whether one single wave of a wave stream.

Last Words

7:01  I'd like to mention Radioactivity.  I believe shapes are critical in the construction of all Atoms.  I believe it is, likely, linked to the shapes of the Johnson Solids... i.e. the non radioactive elements will try to take the shapes of the Johnson Solids depending upon the numbers of Faces and Vertices.  The Vertices are Electros.  There are not enough Johnson Solids to complete the number of Elements needed but one will notice they are about the same as the non radioative Elements.

7:02  What about the Radioactive Elements?  Imagine stable Elements that are large enough to have sqatters settle in... smaller elements which are outcasts... isotopes.  Somehow they managed to build a structure on top of another... but, if they lose some Electons, in the various energy shake ups, they may begin to fall apart, Beta and Alpha particle at a time until a physical split occurs.

7:03  There should be fewer and fewer radioactive elements as one nears the center of the galaxy because it is associated with shorter wave lengths which will be rather destructive to large objects... constantly hitting them.  They will generate new Hydrogen and Helium atoms which start their lives without Electrons.  Electons come and go... that's the way they are, always in their own balance which never changes.  They just roll with the punches.

8:03  The Gyrobifastigium is a particularly interesting shape I associate with Helium.  If you make two triangular shapes, with arms as triangular shape of equal width, form them into triangles made of triangular tubing such that the center holes are exactly the widths of the arms of the triangles, you will achieve a shape that has a Gyrobifastigium at its virtual center but will be a stellation... a kind of stellated Gyrobifastigium.

Stellated Gyrobifastigium paper model

9:01  While space may not be cheek to cheek Electrons, the stuff "in between" definitely, without any shadow of any kind of doubt, is tranmitting energies in the Electromagnetic frequencies/wavelengths.  The "in between" is full of reactive Electromagnetic energies and it matters, not a wit, what theory you wish to believe.  Now, the neat thing about this 'stuff' is this... it's a medium.  It isn't a very thick one, to we particle type beings, but it's there.

9:01:02  In theory, it should be possible to build a propulsion system using permanent magnets shaped like propeller blades.  The turning propellers will churn the stuff 'in between' just as surely as a propeller in water.  While the velocities will be low, acceleration will work over time and the propeller need not turn very quickly, at all... just turn.  Also, since there is 'stuff' there, it might be prudent to 'streamline' a spacecraft Electromagnetically for most efficient operations regarding maximum velocities to reduce Electromagnetic drag.  I'm thinking a 'stealth' exterior would be great.

Who is Terry David Silvercloud?

I was born in October, 1944, in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada, where I grew up.  I was the firt of five children in a family that was not very well off, somewhat dysfunctional.  We moved a lot.  My father worked nights so he didn't seem to be home a lot.  We didn't get along well but, in my old age I realize I'm a lot like him.  He was semi-illiterate and could just barely read.  He grew up in the backwoods of Northern Ontario on a rual farm with no running water nor electricity.  He walked miles to a small schoolhouse.  He could fix just about anything and was a very curious person regarding how things worked.

I had a lot of personal issues a shrink could spend years upon.  I've seen two in my life.  They assured me I was not crazy, just a bit too emotional and very intelligent.  Not a good combination, it seems.  I had not been well prepared for life, at all.  Coming from a somewhat religious family, my reality was very distorted by my family's superstitions.  I was always the smartest kid in the class, while bored to tears and never doing any homework.

I had to bus to school for High School.  That meant eating at school.  My father gave me 25 cents which was enough to buy a hot meal of meat and potatoes kind of thing.  I always boughtt a pint of chocolate milk and two chocolate glazed doughnuts.  I ate a lot of Oatmeal so I think that is what save me from a ruined body.  I was six feet tall around age 13.

I always wondered how the sound got through the wires and learned how to make a one wire multiple party line... only one conductor, at about age 14-15.  That is when I really fell in love with Electrons.  It was very easy to follow a circuit board.  I destroyed a couple of the family table top radios to turn them into amplifiers (1958-60).  A big deal gift to myself was my first soldering gun.  Remember, we were poor.  I had a paper route.

I read a lot of dog books when in Grade 9 but we had a school library and they put out new books and, one day, there was a largish, glossy pages, illustrations in colour (this was about 1960... a big deal), about Electronics.  So, at lunch, I taught myself how Radio, Television and Radar worked.  I wanted to invent a flat screen TV as my life goal.  

It didn't work out.  I went straight out of High School into Naval Officer School.  I was an officer at age 19.  Things I did, of interest, were to navigate HMCS CAPE SCOTT across the Atlantic a few times, and to Puerto Rico.

My name, at that time, was Alexander Terence Blair.  My mom named me after Terry and the Pirates and used the spelling of Publius Terens.  I grew up as a 'Terry'.  I entered the Naval Reserve in the fall of 1960 and became an Able Seaman Signalman, CVX4, overqualified for my rank but I jumped a few, I'm a rather fast learner when I want to be.  My last summer of training and on the job training, in 1963, I got to be the lone signalman/communications person aboard a Gate Vessel  quite small training ship, based in Hamilton, at HMCS Patriot.  If you wanted to reach us, or send a message out, it was through me.  We had a bad storm, one day, and I spent much of it at the helm as most of the new reservists were busy vomitting.  The officers weren't doing much better.  At the start of the storm, the cook, an old sea salt came up to the communications shack, gave me a few slices of dry bread and told me to eat them, I was going to need them.  I felt better quite quickly and never had an issue with sea sickness, again.  I joined the Regular Forces in September, 1963.  My official number in the Royal Canadian Navy was O-6974.  My Officer Designator was 130.

I was qualified to command and drive ships and submarines.  Aboard HMCS Cape Scott, which I navigated (1966-67),  I was fourth in line of command in spite of many more senior officers being aboard.  They were technicians and not trained to command and drive a ship, a kind of sub-group of passengers, as it were.  We often carried a Dentist and a Helicopter Pilot.  The ship had a helicopter and a Dental Clinic.  I once had a tooth pulled out at sea.  We had an operating room, too.  I had my head stitched by an Able Seaman who wanted to become a medic.  The medic asked me if he would let him do it as the stitching would be covered by my hair.

I left the RCN as a Lieutenant in the Submarine Service.  I served, in England, aboard HMS Opportune for training and HMS Tiptoe as Spare Crew.  The Torpedo Officer was off training for the upcoming Olympics.  My jobs were Torpedo Officer, Deck Officer, Sonar Officer and Supply Officer... handling the cash we kept, on board, usually only letters of credit, but I once had about a half million in various European currencies to pay the guys a daily living allowance.  They don't sleep on the submarine in foreign ports if they don't want to.  They get a daily cash allowance to do with as they choose, including food.  I would dish it out in the appropriate currency, as needed.  In Canada I served aboard HMCS Ojibwa, an Oberon Class submarine.  I had issues with the Captain and left the Navy, early, when they found out I was going to leave, anyway.  I had been very happy in the Navy until I returned to Canada.  Things went downhill, very rapidly, after that.  British trained officers weren't welcome, it seemed.

On HMS Opportune I had the opportunity to participate in large scale NATO exercises.  As the submarine, we were the bad guys.  My most exiciting experience was that we located the main fleet in the middle of the Atlantic and carried out a pracice attack on them... no real bang bangs, just pretend.  But it was very dangerous stuff to do.

We had a very excellent Captain, Commander Baker.  You could wear whatever you wanted on a submarine.  Go naked if you dared... who cares, just be happy.  The Captain favoured brightly coloured golfing outfits.  He positioned us in front of the oncoming ships, we went to periscope depth for a visual and to enter data into the firing solution, dove to about 100 feet at full speed ahead (very, very dangerous) and could hear the destroyers passing overhead.

Once the destroyers were behind us, we poked up for a visual on the nearest Aircraft Carrier, entered the data into the firing solution, and pretended to fire everything we had at that carrier.  We then went to a very deep classified depth being as silent as we could and slipped away.  Oh, we fired a green smoke signal to the surface at the time we fired, to let the ships know we had just attacked them.

I went to Sonar School after that, then to Spare Crew where I was sent to HMS Tiptoe to be the Torpedo Officer.  That was a lot of fun, a great crew.  Mostly we did some show the flag trips to cities in Europe and some exercises with the SAS (commando types) where we would surface off the coast of England, a helicopter would suddenly appear and SAS types would come down on ropes, we would get them below as fast as possible, submerge, take them somewhere else, surface and they would take off in little rafts.  We would come back to pick them up, take them back somewhere else, helicopters would appear and they would vanish back into the sky.  I was the Deck Officer, so I got to be the Officer on deck helping those guys off the rope and directing them to the opening they headed for.  I also was the Boarding Officer so I got to shoot a Sterling.  It was a better version of a sten gun.

I noticed it had rifleling in the barrel... the Sten gun is all a hail of large bullets kind of machine... mow them down kind of gun.  The Sterling had a setting for single fire.  So I chose that and showed off my Marksman skills.  I'm a pretty good shot.  Another great experience I had, aboard HMS Tiptoe, was seeing the only mirages I've ever seen in my life.  We were about 75-100 miles at sea,late in the afternoon, when Rotterdam appeared suspended above the horizon.  Within ten minutes it had a mirror image above it, then three of them, then they all dissapeared.  It was quite large, a magnified kind of image.

I tell you this so you can check me out.  I did a lot of other things after I left the Navy but my life has, mostly, revolved around photography.  I'm a very good photographer and worked as a high end assistant... fashion, cars, boooze, furniture, editorial, magazine kind of stuff.  Got to photograph some famous people, dusted the lint off Rob Lowe's shoulders for a poster shoot for a movie.  Keannu Reeves keeps to himself on set to stay in character.  I assisted on a shot of him used on the cover of Peope and W magazines.  I got to do neat stuff and had my own darkroom and studio in which I lived.  I've lived in a lot of store fronts and warehouse spaces, most of my life.  I know my f stops and have been working with light since I took my first photo at age 7 with a box camera.  I taught myself some basic darkroom when I was around 14.  We had a darkroom in my high school.

I went into a kind of semi-retirement in 1997 and moved to Vancouver.  I had issues with my odd appearance (hair style) as they were very conservative in Vancouver.  I cut my hair and changed my name to the one I used in Photography... David Silvercloud.  I legally changed my name to the ones I, actually, used.  Terry David Silvercloud.   These days I go by 'David' or 'Butch'.  How I got to the name 'Butch' is another of my long stories for another day.

One day, in 2002, I asked myself what it would take to be HERE and THERE, at the SAME time.  That got me to read Einstein, notice what he seemed not to have noticed, and thinking about motion at the sub-atomic level of reality and to look at how it fits with the larger world around me.  I never did solve all the issues, in my head, but they would come back to nag me and I came to realize that the Electron was the problem child.  I hadn't really allowed, well, for it to exist.  And it has so many odd characteristics that all have to be accounted for.

I got it into my head it had to be tetrahedral but that has so many bad issues.  It HAD to be a shape.  One I resolved that it was nearly spheroidal, I chose the Icosahedron and haven't looked back.

Regards, from Butch, himself, Terry David Silvercloud. If you like what you see, please spread the word. You may reproduce this paper... please do and spread it around. 15 March, 2018.

[saberessinfronteras]

Einstein was an Artist: How Creativity Actually Works

Einstein inspired a paradigm shift in physics not as a scientist but as an artist. Our entire construct of the world depends on language. What we see isn’t what the universe has defined, but what our brains have learned to label. English distinguishes a scientist as someone who systematically learns about a part of the natural world and uses that knowledge to describe and predict it. An artist, on the other hand, is defined as someone who creatively produces. These labels are important. They’re not perfect, but they allow us to differentiate between the different aspects of our reality. The harm occurs when we use them incorrectly. When it comes to categories like science and art, we have a tendency to presume mutual exclusivity. Einstein may have been a practicing scientist with a focus on theoretical physics, but that doesn’t mean that he wasn’t also an artist. In fact, we can easily argue that more of his success was attributed to his creativity than it was to his underlying knowledge of the field. There are many smart and knowledgeable scientists. Rarely, however, are they capable of producing work that shifts our entire understanding of the world. That requires an entirely new way of looking at things. You don’t have to play the violin or write a poem to be an artist. It’s simply about producing, and the quality of what you produce is largely dependent on creativity. Believe it or not, there isn’t as much to it as you might think. 1. Don’t Wait for Inspiration to Get Moving There are many misconceptions about how breakthroughs are made. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that they’re suddenly inspired — like the often told story of the moment the fall of an apple led Newton to discover gravity. In a slight way, they do happen, and sometimes, sporadically. That said, if your sole tactic is to sit and wait for inspiration to strike, then you’re almost always setting yourself up for failure. Dr. Mark Beeman leads the Creative Brain Lab at Northwestern University. He uses brain scanners to conduct research studies to understand the creative process. In his own words: “Although the experience of insight is sudden and can seem disconnected from the immediately preceding thought, these studies show that insight is the culmination of a series of brain states and processes operating at different time scales.” Simply put, eureka moments occur because of the work leading up to them. Action stimulates inspiration more often than inspiration stimulates action. 2. Treat It Like an Unsexy Job Doing creative work isn’t sexy. It’s about setting a schedule and just doing it. In 1902, Einstein got a job at a Swiss patent office. He had searched for a teaching position in the preceding years with little luck. This forced him into an inopportune and uninspiring place relative to his interest in physics. During his time there, however, he chose to manage his day so that he had a disciplined balance between the hours he spent on the job and the hours he dedicated to scientific work. He was deliberate in his commitment to creation, and the fruits of his labor led to the Annus Mirabilis papers. Scientists call it the miracle year. It would inspire the formulation of the two fundamental theories in physics: the theory of general relativity and quantum mechanics. Had Einstein waited for the right moment, the world might not be where it is. The best way to create is to treat it as a job. Pick a time, show up, and produce. 3. Seek Relationships Between Existing Ideas At its core, creativity is just a new and useful way of combining old ideas. It isn’t imagined out of thin air, and it isn’t completely abstract. It’s a fresh way of making sense of the existing components of reality that have yet to merge. In 1945, Einstein wrote a letter in response to a survey by a French mathematician who was trying to understand the thinking patterns of famous scientists. It can be found in Ideas and Opinions, a collection Einstein’s writings, and in it, he speaks about his process. “The words or the language, as they are written or spoken, do not seem to play any role in my mechanism of thought.The psychical entities which seem to serve as elements in thought are certain signs and more or less clear images which can be ‘voluntarily’ reproduced and combined. It is also clear that the desire to arrive finally at logically connected concepts is the emotional basis of this rather vague play with the above-mentioned elements. But taken from a psychological viewpoint, this combinatory playseems to be the essential feature in productive thought — before there is any connection with logical construction in words or other kinds of signs which can be communicated to others.” If you think about creativity as the ability to develop meaningful connections between existing parts of your reality, you can start to realize that creativity isn’t just reserved for the likes of Mozart and Picasso. It’s something that impacts all of our lives, and it’s something we all practice. Hone your mental inventory of knowledge and let it mingle in absurd ways. 4. Be Willing to Produce Subpar Work Like anything else in life, the only way to master creativity is to put in work. The difficulty, however, lies accepting the production of subpar work. Nobody likes to fall short of expectations, but it’s all the more daunting when it comes to creating because the result is a tangible output, like a painting or a book. One way to challenge this difficulty is to realize that we’re not the only ones that produce bad work. When we see a great creation by a genius, it’s useful to remember that they worked on more than just one piece. They produced a lot of really unsexy work that no one talks about. Over the course of his career, Einstein published over 300 scientific papers and about 150 non-scientific papers. An archive of his non-published work contained more than 30,000 unique documents, and he wasn’t always right. In Brilliant Blunder, Mario Livio predicts that about 20% of Einstein’s papers contain mistakes of sorts. A byproduct of his effort to think in unconventional ways was that his work was sometimes imperfect. 5. Compromise Today for Tomorrow Extraordinary results require extraordinary commitment. That’s the secret. John Hayes is a professor at Carnegie Mellon University and he once did a study to analyze thousands of musical pieces between 1685 and 1900. He was curious about how long it took for a musician to produce world class art. He narrowed it down to 500 masterpieces by 76 composers. By mapping out a timeline for each individual, he looked at when a piece was produced. Outside of only three artists, every composition was written at least a decade after they started to take their work seriously. In follow-up studies of poets and painters, he found the same result. He termed this “The ten years of silence” — a period with a high production of work but very little recognition. To cultivate creativity, you have to not only build the courage to produce bad work, but you also have put in a lot of unrewarded time to create great work. All You Need to Know If an artist is someone who produces something new and novel, then few people in history fit the bill like Einstein. Artistry was the source of his genius. This is what his story can teach us: I. Don’t wait for inspiration to get moving. Creativity is a process. Even the seemingly sporadic insights — like the ones we get in the shower — rely on what came before them. Inspiration doesn’t just strike for no reason. It relies on a consistent pattern of work that sometimes manifests itself in the form of those rare moments. To truly practice creativity, commit to a schedule, show up, and get to work, whether you want to or not. II. Seek relationships between existing ideas. Nothing new is completely original. Creativity is simply about producing something using a combination of the existing elements of your reality. Start by developing a mental inventory of relevant knowledge, work to connect the dots, and then support those connections with a logical structure. III. Produce a large volume of work. Creativity doesn’t work unless you do.Produce in the face of failure, and produce in the face of subpar results. It’s easy to forget that not every piece of work created by a genius was all that great. A lot of it wasn’t. It’s just not talked about. Creating bad work is necessary in order to uncover great work, and it all takes time. Mastering creativity is in itself an art, and like any art, it can empower you. The internet is noisy I write at Design Luck. It’s a free high-quality newsletter with unique insights that will help you live a good life. It’s well-researched and easy-going. Join 20,000+ readers for exclusive access. CreativityLifeLife LessonsSelf ImprovementEntrepreneurship One clap, two clap, three clap, forty? By clapping more or less, you can signal to us which stories really stand out.   Follow  Zat Rana Medium member since May 2017 Playing at the intersection of science, art, and business. I write to reduce noise. www.designluck.com. CNBC, Business Insider, World Economic Forum, etc. Follow  Personal Growth Keep Learning. Keep Growing. More from Personal Growth Bad Habits You Must Break Immediately to Improve Your Life in the Next 100 Days  Thomas Oppong  11K  More on Self Improvement from Personal Growth 3 Ways To Attract The Mentor You Truly Want  Nicolas Cole  1.4K  Also tagged Entrepreneurship Your Company’s Culture is Who You Hire, Fire, & Promote  Dr. Cameron Sepah  8.1K  Responses  Be the first to write a response… Alessandro Cerboni     

[cosmosogler]

hmmm. my day didn’t start when my alarm went off. it started last night when i tried to go to bed.

about two hours into my sleeping period (maybe? i don’t have a clock where i can see it from the bed. it was a very long time.) i was laying there and i said to myself, “it seems i am still awake.” i wasn’t... experiencing any normal symptoms of anxiety? i wasn’t doing the racing thoughts thing, i guess i was having a little trouble breathing regularly which has been A Thing for a really long time... 

like, entire life amount of time. it does keep me awake sometimes though because i have to struggle to do in-out in a non-erratic way.

i just wasn’t asleep. i don’t know why. i dozed off eventually because later i had memories that definitely weren’t real floating around in my head. i woke up again maybe around 4 or 4:30. so four hours of sleep? my arm was super itchy. i couldn’t sleep because of that. i dragged myself over to the bathroom and scrubbed my arm with a wet towel and that helped a little. i tried taking a look at it and i was worried i had been bitten by a bug or something, but it was just red from messing around with it for so long.

that kept me up for 30 or 40 minutes. then my alarm went off at 6:20. i whined at it but i got up. i didn’t feel like i was particularly behind in my schedule? i did everything i needed to do and had a few minutes to chat with asher. i wasn’t sure when the bus lines started. when i checked my phone i saw one was scheduled to arrive in five minutes so i headed to the stop, but it must have passed by several minutes earlier because the next bus didn’t show up for 10 minutes. so then i was running late.

i couldn’t find the disability resource center even though i had confirmed its location on the campus map yesterday. i wandered around with my cupcake trays for like 20 minutes. i was late for my appointment, but i did eventually find it... i don’t know how ANYONE could find it if they didn’t have a ton of patience or desperation though. and my manager said that a lot of people do miss their appointments because they get lost or too frustrated to keep looking and give up. 

they have a lot of accommodations available though! i got my letters printed and carried my cupcakes over to the physics building. i didn’t offer any to the disability office, and i was bummed about that. i ended up needing all of them anyway though. well, “needing” as in they all got eaten well before i left the building.

no one was in the grad offices so i took one of my letters down to my new e&m professor. i was just going to drop it off since it pretty clearly outlines what my accommodations are and i told him if he had any questions he could email my manager. 

i guess there’s a better word i could be using than manager but i don’t actually remember what it might be right now.

he said “no no, wait, we have to talk about this.” and i kind of side-eyed him, like he was going to ask for my diagnosis or something, which the resources center had made clear i didn’t need to share. and then he said something wild!

“i mean, just from how you looked, i could tell, but,”

i narrowed my eyes at him. i wish i’d been a little more obnoxious though. could tell what, sir? what could you tell? i wonder what gave it away. asher said i look perpetually worried. my english teacher in high school said the same. but there’s also other things. i fidget a lot, i don’t wear makeup. i don’t make much eye contact. 

i wonder what, exactly, i looked like to him. because usually when people make judgment calls like that, it’s to say i look stupid. or “retarded,” as mother likes to put it.

like... there’s a lot of things that could “give it away.” i wonder which one it was.

anyway through gritted teeth i stood through another of his meandering lectures about protocol and set up an appointment to speak with him about it in more detail on tuesday. then i went to classical mechanics.

i talked to suzanne a little bit on the way there. she’d not slept much last night either. a lot less than me, but the same problem.

then when class started my brain shut off and i stopped recognizing things that were happening around me? like i could see something moving in front of me and white lines were showing up on the black-green expanse but i didn’t know what was going on. then five minutes later i kind of remembered where i was but the professor had already started erasing his first notes. i asked suzanne if i could borrow her notes later to copy. i did write down a few things i heard him say that he didn’t put on the board. 

i felt really bad because he drew a diagram that did not make any sense at all and i got really hung up on it. and when i’d ask why the diagram was like that he would react as if i’d corrected his math when i was asking about the geometry and the proportions and what was actually happening there. i gave up by the end of class. keegan explained it to me a little better afterward. he borrowed my calculator and we talked with luis about cases where there might be more than one solution since the professor had spent some time on a proof that there could only be one solution. i dunno. normal stuff i guess.

i did a little better during the second period, quantum. i got everything down fine and i let both the other professors know that i had my letter to discuss on tuesday. 

after that i gave some cupcakes out to non-ta grad students and then i brought my cupcakes into the lab and left them on the front table. that got more than half of them eaten. i was partnered with harrison today and we sat behind taylor and dazhi. i was talking to harrison about how basic mechanics was my favorite because i could always clearly see what was going on. he commented that sometimes quantum was easier because you could just do the math and it would work out and you didn’t HAVE to visualize what was going on. i joked that i felt more at ease when i could see everything and that matrices just didn’t have that physicality.

taylor turned around and explained matrices to me. he very slowly told me that i could think of matrices as a collection of numbers and two-dimensional matrices were 2x2, and three-dimensional would be 3x3, and so on for n dimensions. he continued about how to multiply matrices and how they interacted with basic quantum notational stuff. i put my chin in my fists and smiled at him. harrison looked baffled. 

“why are you explaining matrices to us?” he finally asked. 

“you asked about matrices,” he said, looking at me.

i frowned. “i was talking about how like a matrix would apply to my pencil,” i said. “like how do those numbers directly affect what is happening as it moves. i know what a matrix is. i’m not stupid.”

then harrison and i found out our computer wasn’t working so we moved our equipment to another table and i didn’t interact with anyone else until the pizza arrived. about 20 minutes after we got back from our little teaching story exchange i got extremely ill and had to leave harrison to fend for himself against the terrifying position-velocity box experiment. 

i’m thinking pizza might be a non-option for me going forward.

i’m not stupid.

at the end of the experiment i mentioned i had a quiz in my e&m class and harrison panicked, thinking that the grad professor had done something sneaky. i told harrison i was in undergrad e&m now because i’m stupid. he said oh. i think he might have said some other things but i didn’t hear him very well.

the quiz was actually horrifying. it’s kind of funny... i had so much trouble with it, but when i was explaining what the quiz was about to suzanne later i told her i didn’t know how to integrate a function i should know, and then i immediately guessed what the right answer was just talking about it off the top of my head.

i’m thinking test anxiety is a real thing for me.

it didn’t help that i really wasn’t happy with that professor after our little disability adventure in his lab.

after that was over i summoned keegan and he kicked my ass at smash brothers some more. i almost won a few times. then another guy joined us and that was really fun because they were both really good at duels and i was much better at multiplayer. i have also gotten significantly better at melee over my 2 games with keegan. like this time i successfully prevented him from getting back on the stage once.

after that a whole bunch of us went to a bar right off campus. i had my first drink in like a year. over a year. i got pretty tipsy but i did only have one cocktail and then i stuck to water and pita bread and felt better real fast. we played pool and i accidentally smashed my finger against the edge of the table trying to make a shot and ripped the skin off the second knuckle. the bartender had to go get me a bandage.

i had my “test anxiety” conversation with suzanne while we were hanging out by the table, i was sipping my drink. her brother in law alex showed up and i talked to him a little too. i couldn’t hear him very well because he speaks quietly and not very clearly. i met some of the older grad students and we talked about arizona wildlife. ioannus showed us a picture of the first alligator he’s ever seen. 

keegan was being very friendly with me. i am not sure what’s going on there. i asked him where his girlfriend was and he said he’d be going to dinner with her. but before he left he patted my shoulder a couple times. i jolted a little bit at the physical contact but it’s not like he came up behind me and also i was just chill enough that it didn’t matter as much.

i went home around 7:45. actually since i had had so much water and pita bread i felt pretty alert. about 2 minutes into my 25-minute walk home THE DELUGE began. so i walked in the rain. it was actually really nice. it woke me up, it was kinda warm (it got cold after i’d worked up a sweat carrying my full backpack and the two cupcake tins so i cooled off too), and it was just... nice. rain in arizona is usually sideways and lasts 15 minutes and then blows away. this was like standing in a good powerful shower. 

when i got home i was soaked. i tore my shoes off and put them in the bathroom first thing and then i dumped my stuff on the floor and tried to space it all out so it could dry. all my electronics stayed pretty dry since my backpack is awesome. i got into some warm pajamas and blow-dried my hair to warm up. then i had a pretty quiet evening watching some youtube videos i’d bookmarked earlier and (half) a taz episode. i’ll have to do the other half tomorrow. now it’s 10:50. i should sleep or else tomorrow i’m going to be completely incoherent.

when i feel really bad about myself talking to suzanne sometimes feels like she’s kind of patronizing me. i noticed she does that around alex too a little bit. he seems ok with it. but it always rubs me the wrong way. so lately i’ve been trying to put a little more reciprocity into the relationship there and ask how she’s doing and do the cupcake thing and stuff. she seems pretty happy either way but i feel better about asking for help when i have already been contributing to... whatever. something. explaining some quantum to my classmate counts right?

i’m not stupid. i guess i look stupid. but i’m not.

i’m just... tired.