#and (context dependent) love others enough to give them that space n forgiveness too.

[explvrer]

been reading and thinking a lot recently on tenderness and the act of being intimate. for those of us who were subjected to any number of traumatic events being soft with ourselves or others is such a cherished experience.

you know not the level of strength it takes for someone to be gentle.

in a similar vein, forgive yourself for the monsters you might echo. forgive yourself if when the kindness runs dry the hurt still remains.

we are not in this alone. ultimately the practice of being kind, being tender-hearted, and fostering growth or intimacy is always worth it.

[toxoiddiamond]

J O E L // P O R T E R // N Y C R O F T Is your character holding on to something in the past? Can he or she forgive? ◇ He is definitely holding on to some resentment towards his mother– and also toward his father, who he's never actually met, due to the fact that his dad skipped town shortly after Joel was born. In a way, he's forgiven his father, because he finds it easier to forgive someone he's never even known. But he has never really forgiven his mother for her neglect, her constant drug use (even allowing/encouraging him to use, especially if her druggie friends were around), and for the fact that she simply never cared what happened to him. She only started trying to come around when he first got famous, but he made it very clear to her that she was not welcome in his life and she would never get a dime from him. She responded by trying to attack him in the tabloids, offering up "exclusive interviews" where she claimed Joel had shut her out for no reason and describing him as a problem child, a runaway, etc. Luckily that kind of backfired on her as she definitely came across as less than sane in her interviews, so Joel never even bothered to respond to her attacks. Name an event in their childhood that has shaped them into the person they are today. ◇ He would say there are two events in his childhood/teenage years that really shaped him– one good event, and one not-so-good. The first is that he once snuck into a rock concert when he was ten years old, and was so mesmerized by literally everything about it– the musicians, the energy of the crowd, the music itself– that he can still vividly remember it and take himself back there. According to him, sneaking into that concert totally changed his life. The second event occurred when he was nearly fourteen. His mother was pretty deep into drugs at this time, and she ran with a really bad crowd. A couple of her "friends" wound up convincing Joel to get high with them, so he only remembers the night in bits and pieces. What he does remember is being taken away somewhere and being absolutely terrified– he's blocked out most everything else. He woke up the next morning on a park bench and was able to walk himself home. His mom didn't realize he'd been gone and pretty much brushed off the entire incident. What animal would be their "Patronus" or "Spirit Animal" is?/What kind of Pokemon would they have? ◇ His patronus would be a Jack Russell Terrier, and his Pokemon would be a Pikachu~ Do they open up freely with their emotions, or do they bottle it up until they burst? If they do hold it in, what is usually their breaking point? ◇ It really depends on the situation– sometimes he’s very open about what he’s feeling, especially if he’s drunk or high. He also tends to be more open with his positive feelings, expressions of love or happiness, etc. The negative feelings tend to only come out when he’s under the influence, and oftentimes he ends up saying things he doesn’t mean. He definitely needs to work on expressing his negative feelings in a more constructive way (like, you know, when he’s sober~). What do they smell like? ◇ He likes to wear a couple of spritzes of cologne, usually Spicebomb by Viktor & Rolf. It’s also pretty obvious when he’s been drinking, as he’ll often smell of whiskey or gin, not to mention cigarette smoke. How do they deal with illness/pain? Will they soldier on with two broken arms or will a cold put them out for days? ◇ He usually does his best to soldier on even if he’s sick or hurt. This has led to him quite literally passing out from exhaustion after pushing himself too hard for too long. It’s also part of the reason why he tends to self-medicate with alcohol and drugs– it’s easier to just drink the pain away or take drugs to make himself feel better instead of actually allowing himself to rest and heal. What’s their opinion on musicals? ◇ Joel has a surprising love for musicals, actually. He’s picky about them, but there are a few that he absolutely adores and can sing every song from start to finish. His favorite musical of all time is A Chorus Line (he was lucky enough to see it live and he would never admit this, but he cried like a baby), followed closely by Guys and Dolls. What is the most expensive thing they’ve purchased? Was it worth it? ◇ His guitar is definitely the most expensive item he’s ever bought– an ESP LTD EC-1000 in a custom color (light blue on the edges, fading into black in the center). The company tried to give it to him for free, but he insisted on paying– he’s always found it silly when people give him free things when he can afford to pay for it. He’s had the guitar for over a decade now and it’s become sort of iconic, so he’d say it was worth the money. What do they like to ridicule? What do they find stupid? ◇ Joel usually isn’t one to ridicule people– he likes to tease, but only in good fun. However, he will openly ridicule music snobs, music critics, etc., because he doesn’t believe that any one type of music is better or worse than any other– just that it all comes down to taste and opinion. So he really can’t stand people that make fun of others’ taste in music, and makes it a point to tell them so. Does your character have any secrets? If so, are those secrets holding them back? ◇ He doesn't have many secrets– it's not even a secret that he has a drug and alcohol problem, thanks to the fact that the media was all over it every time he went to rehab. He keeps his personal life as private as he can, but it seems no matter how hard he tries, his secrets always come out in the end. How is your character’s imagination? Do they daydream a lot? Do they like to reminisce? Are they more grounded in reality? ◇ Joel definitely has his head in the clouds a lot of the time, especially when he's high. In fact, part of the reason he has such a hard time getting clean/sober is that he loves the feeling of being disconnected from reality. It makes him feel safer, as if nothing is real and nothing can hurt him. Whereas when he's sober, everything feels more real and it's harder for him to deal with. He (falsely) believes that he writes better music while high as well, and while he has written some great songs while under the influence, he is also more than capable of writing great songs while sober. Did their parents name them after anyone/thing? Does their name mean anything? Do they like their name? ◇ His parents didn't really name him after anyone or anything in particular– they just liked the sound of the name "Joel" so they went with it. His name can mean either "the Lord is God," or "he that wills and commands." He doesn't mind his name at all. Is your character afraid of death? ◇ He has a complicated relationship with the idea of death. He’s had suicidal ideations since he was a teenager, even attempted it when he was fourteen, and always ends up going back to the idea of killing himself. But at the same time, he is terrified of death, always worries over the idea of there being some kind of afterlife where he’ll be punished for all the shitty things he’s done. Is your character touchy-feely with everyone? Or is personal space a huge deal? ◇ Joel isn’t touchy-feely with just anyone, but he is definitely affectionate with those he’s close to. His band members get a lot of hugs and cheek kisses, and anytime he’s with Riley, he’d definitely be holding Riley’s hand at the very least. He is okay with strangers touching him in certain contexts (an arm around him or a hug for a picture/selfie, a handshake, etc), but otherwise he prefers not to be touched at all by strangers. Do they like music? What is their favorite style of music/What are their favourite band(s)/artist(s)? ◇ When it comes to music, Joel is very open-minded and interested in a lot of different genres. Although he prefers to play rock music, he loves everything from pop to R&B to dubstep, and appreciates each unique genre for what they have to offer. He is a little picky in regards to the artists he listens to, but he would never judge anyone for having a different opinion or liking things he doesn’t care for– he is a firm believer that music is completely subjective. How do they react to making mistakes? How do they react to people pointing out mistakes they’ve made? ◇ He makes a lot of mistakes. Like, a LOT. The one thing that can be said for him is that once he’s had a chance to think his actions over, he is always very apologetic and admits he was wrong. At that point, if someone were to point out his mistakes, he would agree with them and be very shamefaced. But if someone points out his mistakes/calls him out before he’s ready to have that discussion, he gets very defensive and will likely storm off.