#and 'I GET MAKING NORSE GODS LOOK MORE CLASSICAL. I THINK IT'S A STUPID IDEA BUT I UNDERSTAND THE PRINCIPLE.

[haljathefangirlcat]

W.G. Collingwood, Marvel Comics, P. Craig Russell, a bunch of other illustrators and artists I'm not gonna bother looking up now: Balder is universally beloved, which means he's Young and Hot. Hod is blind, which means he's Old. Or at least, looks significantly older than Balder.

Peter Madsen: Hear me out... what if they looked basically the same? And they both looked like Just Some Guy? And one or the other looking more attractive came down to self-confidence or a lack thereof?

Carl Gustaf Qvarnström and Nils Fredrick Sander, the absolute madmen: SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU. HOD IS ALSO 100% YOUNG AND HOT. AND MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE SOMETHING MORE GOING ON WITH LOKI BEYOND THE FRATRICIDE. THERE HAS TO BE A REASON HE'S SO READY TO TRUST HIM, RIGHT?

[lowkeyorloki]

Mythology Nerd

Anonymous requested: Could I request a Loki x reader where the reader is secretly a Mythology nerd and so they don't talk to Loki very much (either because they're a fan or intimidated or something else) even though they talk to Thor (bonus points if thor knows about their love of mythology) but then one day Loki catches them reading a norse Mythology book super late at night? Anyhow, I love you! Your work is amazing and I hope you're having an amazing day!

A/N: Thank you sm I love you too!!! I loved doing this request! I actually studied Norse Mythology for a year (that’s why I love Loki so much) so... !!!!

~

It was bad enough Thor knew.

The book of Norse Gods had been given to you by a history teacher a long time ago after they saw you tearing through Greek myths. It was old, bound by  leather, and had been one of the few personal items you had brought with you to Avengers Tower. 

Which had been before Thor moved in. 

He had found you reading the book in the kitchen one day and smiled. He jokingly asked if you wanted his autograph.

“That,” you said, “Is exactly why I didn’t want you to know. You knowing I like these myths is like me being a creepy fan for a teen show... It’s weird.”

Thor shrugged. “Honestly, Y/N, it’s comforting. You Midgardians seem to have forgotten the truth ever since my brother and I arrived. My people are more than my own family squabble.” You smile at this. “Speaking of my brother...” Thor continues, wriggling his eyebrows. “I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to hear of your disposition of us. I’ll just-” 

“No!” you lept forward, grabbing Thor’s hands. “Please, don’t tell Loki.” you beg. Thor looks confused.

“Why not?” he asked. You stutter, knowing no matter how hard he tried, Thor would tell Loki of your feelings for him if he knew.

“I... Can you imagine what this would do to his self-image?” you say. “It would be higher than it already is... We don’t want that.” Thor nods, and you breathe a sigh of relief.

“You’re right.” he says. “My lips are sealed.” you nod, and pots and pans crash behind Thor in the sink. When he goes to see what happened, you scurry out of the room, berating yourself for being stupid the whole way. 

~

“Have you been reading anything good lately Y/N?” Loki asks you the next night over dinner. You nearly choke on your food, coughing so much Thor slaps his hand on your back. Loki looks unamused.

“Um,” you say after downing a glass of water. “Nope... Just training as much as I can.” you nod, praying Loki will turn his gaze elsewhere.

You quickly excuse yourself. As you walk out of the dining hall, Thor is (not so) subtly mouthing ‘good save’ to you. Through gritted teeth, you smile and give him a thumbs-up. 

~

When you’re certain everyone, especially Loki Laufeyson, have gone to their rooms, you go to the couch with your book in hand. The couch has the softest blanket ever, as well as an amazing view of New York.

You’ve been sitting for around fifteen minutes, the floorboards creak, and you look up suddenly. 

Shit. you think. Loki stands in front of you, wearing no expression.

“Mind if I sit?” he asks, gesturing to the seat next to you. You pull your knees to your chest, wordlessly saying yes. Loki sits and stays silent for a few minutes, breaking it with “Is there a reason you avoid me?” 

You scoff, shutting the book on your lap.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” you tell him, knowing exactly what he was talking about. Loki turns so his whole body faces you, and you notice how relaxed his arms look in just a simple tee shirt.

“Is that so? Y/N, you talk to me less than you talk to Hawkeye. And he’s retired.”

“That’s not true.”

“Really? Tell me, what’s the difference between me and my brother? I at first thought you were intimidated by a god, by you aren’t scared of Thor at all. What’s different about me?”

“Um, maybe your criminal record?” you retort. Loki chuckles. 

“Fair enough.”

There’s quiet once more, before Loki points at (godamnit, godamnit) at the book in your lap.

“What are you reading?” you quickly drop the book on the ground.

“Oh, just an old classic. Nothing important.” you say. 

“Hm.” Loki tuts. “Because I could have sworn it was-” he snaps, the book appearing in his hands. “My history, yes.” he opens the book to the drawing of Yggdrasil, flashing it at you. You groan, upset you’ve been caught.

“I’m sorry I kept it from you, it’s just that-”

“There’s no need to be sorry Y/N.” Loki interrupts you with what sounds like feigned innocence. “I understand. It would do horrors to my self-image. “ he smirks at you. “You wouldn’t want that, would you?”

“How...?” you ask, trying to figure out how Loki could have heard you say that. “The pans! Were you in the room with us?!” Loki shrugs once more.

“You should know from these, I am a shape-shifter.” he says.

“I’m sorry.” you admit. “I... Shouldn’t have said that. It wasn’t nice.” Loki smiles.

“Well, Y/N, I’ll accept your apology on one condition: You tell me why you didn’t want me knowing about your penchant for the tales of my people.” You freeze. All the time Loki had been in the the Tower, you’d manage to keep your feelings for him hidden. You weren’t going to throw all the stolen glances and secret swooning away for some banter happening at 12:03 a.m. 

“No.” you say. Loki’s expression hardens for just a moment before returning to normal.

“Very well.” he says. “Hm, what myth are you reading now? I hope you don’t mind if I...” Loki begins to open the book to the page you have marked.

“No, Loki, wait!” you jump closer to Loki than you’ve ever been, but it’s to late: Loki’s eyes narrow, and his knuckles have turned white as he grasps the old leather.

“Ah.” he says. “My torture.”

You look to the page, the image of Loki chained to a rock as a snake dripped venom into his eyes. 

“That was one of Odin’s worst punishments, I’ll admit.” he says. Loki begins to get up. “I think I’ll leave now-”

“It’s my least favorite myth.” you say. Loki looks at you, your faces so close your noses almost touch. You shake your head.

“Why?” he asks.

“I’ve always hated the idea of you being in so much pain.” you whisper. Loki’s face begins to relax, but soon looks distressed. “Odin intended to leave you there forever.” you rest your hand on Loki’s knee. He does nothing.

“I always dread that part of the book.” you continue. “And for what? You’ve been so mistreated Loki, and I’m so sorry.” you’re combing through Loki’s hair now, moving your thumb up and down his leg. “I’m sorry.” you repeat. “They won’t even accept they’ve wronged you... It’s always made me upset.” Loki looks into your eyes, and you bring your other hand up so you’re holding his face. Slowly, you lean forward and press a kiss on each of the god’s eyelids, where the venom had dripped so long ago.

Loki breathes out, grabbing your wrist.

“I want to kiss you.” he tells you. “I have since I arrived...” he pauses. “Odin’s punishment was horrible, but I’d take it any day over denying myself of you.”

“You don’t have to.” you tell Loki.

Loki closes the little space that had been between you, pulling you onto his lap. He smiles, which makes you do the same into your kiss. 

“What was it you didn’t want to be?” he asks. “A creepy fan, was it?” you rolls your eyes and swat at Loki’s chest.

“Shut up.” you say.

“Make me.”

You do.

[ineffablewordsatnight]

The emperor`s pet (Loki x Reader) Chapter 2

Hey guys, I am so happy, that so many of you liked the first chapter of this fic, so thank you for this positive feedback:) Anyways, here is chapter 2, there is not that much action in it, but it works as a kind of prelude for what is about to come. I hope you enjoy it as much as the first. Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8

If you want to be added on the tag list, just text me and I will gladly add you.

Pairing: Loki x Reader

Word Cound: 3287

Warnings: None, just fluff

You woke up from the dreamless state of your mind with a startled yelp. A short feeling of disorientation flooded through your veins and as you shot up, you felt dizzy. You had absolutely no idea, how much time had passed, since Loki had put you out. Groaning, you sank back onto the comfortable and smooth bed. You laid on your back and stared at the bright ceiling. You were seated in a white room with three massive walls and one golden holographic one. A cell. Probably sealed with magic. You were imprisoned in a fucking cell, Gods know where. You sighted and examined your “room” further. The bed you were currently lying on was a simple one, just a thin mattress, black cotton sheets, a soft green blanked and a matching cushion.

You tried to rise again from the bed, carefully this time and no sick feeling took you over. You carefully examined your whole body and checked if you were hurt anywhere. You didn´t seemed to be harmed, besides the headache caused by your earlier encounter with the coffee table. The blood was dry, but there was a faint throbbing right behind your temple. You huffed out in annoyance.

Great. A Headache, exactly what I need now.

Deciding to take care of your head later, you took some shaky steps forwards to have a better look at your surroundings. You looked at the golden wall and carefully tried to touch it. As your hand came in touch with the softly glowing wall, you nearly expected that it would cause you pain like an electric fence, but nothing happened. You could easily touch it and it felt smooth underneath your fingertips. Looking outside your cell, you couldn´t identify anything else besides a dark hallway and an empty cell right across from yours. You turned around again and faced the remaining furniture. On the opposite wall of your bed, there was a huge bookshelf. It spread across the whole right wall and was stuffed with all kinds of books. You stalked closer and pulled some of them out to read the titles.

Jane Austen, Shakespeare, George R.R. Martin, Tolstoi, Fitzgerald, so mostly classics. You thought, while pulling out some of the even older, heavy and leather-bound books.

Oh, norse mythology, funny.

You scoffed, placing the book back. Next to the bookshelf was a big, comfy looking armchair with a blue blanket spread across it. You let yourself flop down on it, lazily dangling your legs and looking around.

Boring, I´m not even five minutes awake and I´m already bored.

You thought as your gaze fell upon a wooden dresser with three drawers. Your interest was piqued and you swiftly jumped to your feet and made your way over to the other side. You opened the top drawer and glimpsed inside. You found some black and grey T-shirts mixed with some rather colourful ones.

Clothes? Why would he put clothes in here, if you´re his prisoner?

Irritation swept through your mind as you opened the two other ones firmly, just to discover some matching pants, hoodies and even underwear.

Shaking your head, you closed the drawer with a loud thud.

Strange.

After spinning around one more time, just to discover, that there was nothing more to be observed or discovered, you dropped to the floor and laid flat down. You stretched your arms over your head and slowly massaged your throbbing temple to work against the building headache.

As you laid there, you realized what just happened and anxiety rushed through your veins as the cold facts hit you. Loki had kidnapped you. Loki. The God of Mischief and Lies.

What you didn´t get were his motives. If he wanted to stop the Avengers from working against him, he could have just killed them or if he wanted to have some ´fun´ with them, he could have imprisoned them all here. But he didn´t. He just took you in and that was odd. He didn´t seemed to hold a grunge against you. In fact, it seemed like he just spontaneously took you with him as some kind of price or safe insurance, maybe even as a trophy to indicate his victory over the celebrated team of heroes. But what was he going to do to you? And how long shall you stay in this prison? You couldn´t find the answer to all these questions and maybe you didn´t even want to know.

Deciding, that there wasn´t much to do for you, reading wasn´t an option, because your headache had become worse and the slight throbbing had turned into a constant pounding, you closed your eyes and concentrated on the cold surface beneath you.

P.O.V. Shift to Loki, after he knocked you out

“Goodnight Princess.”

Loki swished with his hand in front of the girl´s face and her bright eyes dropped as did her body, but before she could hit the ground, he caught her small form.

Gently hoisting her up, so he carried her bridal style, he turned to the rest of her team. Banner was still unconsciousness thanks to a little bit help of his magic, but while Loki had been busy staring at the girl, Tony had had enough time to get up and call is Iron Man suit and as the norse god turned around, he was faced with two blasts of pure energy directed at his slender form.

Quickly, he jumped to the left and escaped the attack with a swift, but graceful movement. Spinning around, he snapped his fingers and the arms of the man in the iron suit were glued to his torso. Tony struggled and tried to move again, but he wasn´t able to get his arms free. With another hasty movement of Loki´s hand, the engineer was yet again sent across the room, against the wall, but this time, Loki´s magic held him there, trapping him in his own suit.

The rest of the team, still glued to the ground, sent him yet another glare.

“What the hell Loki?” Clint exclaimed. “What are you doing? And what are you doing with her?”

Loki turned his hardened gaze to the archer.

“I can do, whatever I want.” He said, ignoring his second question and taking a step towards the spot, where Clint and Natasha were sealed to the ground. “And you can´t stop me. Besides that, how would you do this? You can´t even move a muscle right now.”

He grinned evilly, taking another step in their direction.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Natasha spoke up. “We get it. You are powerful and all mighty, we are just earthlings with no power, who stand no chance against you. Been there. Done that. Now…”, she lifted an eyebrow at him, “could you just let our friend go and get the hell out of here?”

Her voice dropped to a pleading tone. “We won´t interfere with your plans anymore, ok? Promise” She even smiled at him, well tried.

The god of mischief looked at her, eyes unreadable throughout her whole little speech.

“You won´t interfere with my doings?” He asked and Natasha nodded.

She gave him a serious, but pleading look and Loki seemed to think about her ´offer´ for a moment, but then he threw his head back into his neck and let out a lout roar of laughter.

“Do you really think, I am that stupid? Do you really think, I would believe you?”

His head snapped back and his cold stare bored into them.

“I am the god of lies. I can tell exactly when you are telling the truth or not and right now you reek of lies.” He scoffed at her.

Natasha flinched back as much as she could with her body still being stuck on the floor, as if he had slapped her. His aura had turned even colder and also darker during this statement and his whole stature screamed danger. His eyes were glinting with sadistic playfulness and it seemed like all humanity was drained from them.

“N…No.” She stammered, intimidated by his sudden change of demeanour. Everything before this statement, even the fight was just like a prelude, like a play to scare them away, a promise for what was about to come, but the real trouble, the real danger had just shown now, at this moment and it scared all of them.

“I really, really mean it, right guys?” She asked, turning around to her team mates as best as she could. Steve pressed his lips tightly together, but even he was shocked by the god´s sudden change of personality, so he just shortly nodded. Clint mimicked his gesture and even Tony let out a muffled “yes”.

“See? We all do agree on this.”

Loki just stood there, in complete silence, watching the defenceless team of so called super heroes begging him to spare their lives, making promises to save their own skins.

He tilted his head slightly and decided to push this play a little further.

“If you say so…” He slowly stated.

“Yes, we do.” Steve interrupted with new found spirit. “Now, if you just put (y/n) down and let us be, we won´t cause any trouble.”

“(y/n)” Loki murmured. So that´s her name. Pretty.

“And why should I do that?” He asked out louder.

Steve´s face fell and was replaced by an angry grimace.

“Because she hasn´t done anything to you, why would you torture her?”

“Who says anything about torturing her? I just want to take her with me as…” He paused for a moment, pretending to think about it. “As encouragement for you to keep your promise of doing nothing.”

A Cheshire cat like grin spread across his face and he pulled the unconsciousness girl even closer to his chest as to demonstrate that he won´t let go of her, no matter what.

“You can´t do that!” Clint roared upset.

“You don´t need any bargain against us, if you are so powerful as you claim to be, you can easily restrain us, even without taking her.” Natasha added, trying to sound reasonable, but a small tremble in her voice gave her away. She was scared. Scared what he´d do to her friend, if he took her with him.

And Loki saw that. He saw it and relished in the feeling of having control over all of them so easily.

“Ahhh, I don´t think it would be that easy. Besides, I want to be sure, that you don´t plan anything behind my back and where would be the fun if I couldn´t put some pressure on you by putting someone’s life in a little danger?” Their painful expressions added even more fuel to the fire of excitement and superiority that he felt at that moment, but he knew, that he couldn´t keep playing with them like that forever.

“So, as much as I´d love to stay here and see the hope shatter on your faces, I have to go. I have two realms to rule and that is quite the work, I dare to say.”

He started to back away and suddenly the Avengers weren´t held by his magic and able to move.

“Don´t forget the deal. Don´t do anything stupid. If you act against me, I will punish (y/n) for that.”

He gave them one last smirk.

“Goodbye.”

And just like that he disappeared, just as they started to charge at him again.

P.O.V. Reader

You still laid there on the cold ground, feeling the floor beneath you, as you suddenly felt a presence next to your side. Slowly you opened your heavy eyes and turned your head to the right. You were faced with a pair of sparkling emerald green eyes, which looked at you with curiosity.

Startled, you tried to rob away, but you couldn´t get far, because your bed blocked your rapid movements. You inwardly cursed and let your eyes defeated trail back to his.

He had watched your sudden actions quietly and was now looking at you with one eyebrow lifted to create a perfect arch.

“Why are you lying on the floor?” Curiosity and amusement mixed with his questioning tone.

“Why are you lying next to me?” You shot back, trying to sound as defensive as possible.

“I was bored and wanted to see, if my newest toy is awake.”

You gaped at him.

What did he just call you? And in such a casual way. That bastard.

You shuffled slightly around and maneuvered yourself in a sitting position.

“I´m not your toy.” You exclaimed, trying to sound as annoyed, but simultaneously as convincing as possible.

He raised his eyebrows at you again.

“I don´t think that you are in the position to decide what you are for me and what not, Midgardian.”

He spoke the last word with such a disgusted undertone, that you really felt rather worthless for a short moment, as if he was right and you were wrong.

No. Stop. He kidnapped you. He tries to get into your head. Stay strong. Don´t let your anxiety get the best out of you.

You stayed silent, not really knowing what to say and not really trusting your voice at this point.

Loki huffed.

“No, really”, now he sounded rather annoyed, “why aren´t you reading or lying in your bed or sitting on this mighty comfy chair? You noticed that there is a rather big bookshelf right next to you, right?”

You couldn´t believe, that he just sounded pissed, because you, his prisoner, here against your own will, wasn´t enjoying herself in this prison.

You snapped.

“Oh, excuse me, that I didn´t appreciate the furniture and all your lovely gifts, but my head is trying to kill me. Thanks to you, if I might add.”

You crossed your arms before your chest and let out a huff.

He can´t be serious.

For one second there was only silence and then…

Small waves of laughter started to erupt from the god´s mouth. He couldn´t help himself and let out a louder chuckle.

You glared at him.

“Excuse me, why is this so funny?” Now you sounded even more pissed.

“I am sorry, it´s just…” He tried to regain his posture.

“Nothing, it´s nothing.” He said.

Was he wiping away a tear?

You huffed again, turning away from him.

“But I can help with that headache, if you want.” He stated.

You slowly spun around to him, a curious look on your face as if to ask why he would offer to help you. You examined his features. He had an honest and rather confident look on his face and it didn´t seem like he was joking. Still, you remained sceptical and on guard.

He seemed to pick up on your thoughts and rolled his eyes.

“Well, I can´t let you suffer all the time, can I?”

He then proceeded to lean forward and lightly touched your head again.

You had a feeling of déjà vu, because his fingers grazed your temple as careful and soft as before he knocked you out cold earlier.

A small voice in your head whispered, that maybe he would do just that again, but you quickly shut it down and concentrated on the movements of his fingers.

He traced a light patter right above your wound and the spot, where the pain was the worst. You couldn´t identify if he was drawing runes or just a random patter, that came into his mind. Yet you could see some green sparks of his magic flying around and then…nothing…the pain was gone.

You sighted happily, as the thrumming of your head was no longer violating your thoughts. You opened your eyes, not remembering when you had closed them, and were faced again with the slender features of the norse god. You swore that those eyes would be your nemesis, you felt again like you were drowning. Drowning in the best way possible.

As quickly as that thought crossed your mind, you shoved it back down into the abyss of your mind, where it seemed to come from.

A sly grin flashed across his face.

“Better?” He asked with a pleased and self-confident expression.

“Yes.” You nearly whispered. You cleared your throat, not liking how your voice sounded, so small and timid. “Thank you.”

He shot you a smile. An actual smile and you couldn´t help yourself, but smiled back softly.

Suddenly breaking out of this dream like state, you mustered him again with a more calculating stare.

“Still, you haven´t explained yourself. What am I doing here? Why am I here? What do you want from me?”

You stared at him with fury in your eyes and tried to emphasize the words as much as possible to get him to an honest answer.

Loki just chuckled slightly.

“That´s quite the change of attitude, pet.” He replied.

You flushed in a deep shade of crimson.

“Stop calling me that.” You snapped.

“Alright, pumpkin.”

“Shut up.” You sounded annoyed. “And answer my questions.”

He still got this shit-eating grin on his lips, but now it turned into a growl.

“As you wish, princess. Right now, you and I are doing nothing, we are just sitting on the floor and talk. As to why you are here, that is pretty simple. You are the one thing that keeps your precious Avengers under my control. They won´t do anything to corrupt me, if I threaten to break your smooth little neck. Which leads us to your third question. I don´t want anything from you, you are just here to keep me safe.”

You were left speechless.

This is what it´s all about. I am his fucking health insurance.

“And I am supposed to sit here, in this prison, for how long now?”

“Well, either until I end those rebellious heroes or till they decide to join me, I personally prefer the latter, but who am I to decide.”

He shrugged his shoulders and got to his feet.

“Now, if you excuse me. I just wanted to stop by, to see, if everything is alright with you. As I have seen now, it is and I have to go back to business.”

He turned around and started to leave towards the golden holographic wall.

“Wait!” You exclaimed, not wanting him to leave you alone with so many questions.

You hastily scrambled to your feet. That didn´t do anything good for your head, even with the headache gone, you still felt a little bit dizzy.

The room began to spin around you and you felt face forwards towards the god.

Loki jumped a little bit in surprise, but was able to turn around smoothly and catch you, before you could harm yourself further.

“Easy there, kitten.”

“Not your kitten.” You mumbled

He chuckled and lifted you up from the ground to carry you over to the bed.

Gently laying you down on it, he made sure that your head rested comfortably on the cushion and that your whole body was covered with the blanket.

That was…nice. Loki, being nice? How comes that?

Your head started to form thoughts, but they were quickly dissembled and an overpowering tiredness blended out every other emotion you had.

You felt his presence still next to you and felt the urge to say something, anything, but all that left your mouth was a senseless mumble.

You heard him chuckle again, it sounded like it was far, far away.

What a nice sound. You thought.

Shut up. You immediately answered your thoughts.

Whatever.

You were too tired to continue this internal discussion for now and you slowly let the darkness pull you under.

P.O.V. Loki

He watched her drift into sleep again, after directly passing out on him.

What shall I do with you?

Taglist:

@starscreamloki

@emyhonny

[jeongincore]

Shit i really liked and kinda didn’t like about Ragnarok

I recently saw ragnarok and became so rejuvenated that i brought my marvel blog back but i wanted to seriously talk about like things that i liked and really didn’t just to get shit out there. 

Things i really liked (like so much that i am obsessed)

-Thor’s new hair cut/outfit, i think its actually super suitable. Gives that sort of cool ass warrior refugee look. Plus, Chris Hemsworth is beautiful. 

-The humor, oh god it was hilarious, i’ve never laughed so genuinely and so much in my life and it made the movie so charming and relatable. It was also such a departure from The Dark World and the first Thor, which dealt with so much emotional baggage for not only just Thor, but for Loki, who basically suffered throughout both movies. 

-Hulk being an actual toddler/Bruce Banner being so fucked up and anxious because WHEN DID HE GET ON AN ALIEN PLANET. 

-”You’ve been on other planets before i assume” “Yeah, one!” “well now it’s two” 

-Valkyrie. Her entire everything gave me so much to love and adore. Tessa Thompson has stole my heart yet again. 

-TAIKA WAITITI AS KORG WAS ACTUALLY SO FUNNY

-The little tiny glimpses of Loki and Thor’s childhood, aka the snake story, get help. It really showed how much time Loki and Thor had spent together, which i assume is a lot because age in Asgardian years work differently probably? Like imagine that, Loki and Thor spending time together and being inseparable for 100 years. It showed that they were always close despite loki feeling different or alienated, which explains why its so hard for Loki to just leave thor for dead. 

-”You’ll always be the god of mischief, but you can be so much more” See that shit destroyed me. Thor acknowledges that Loki is not like him. He’s a trickster, manipulative, and selfish. But he also acknowledges that Loki is so much more than his tricks and lies, which shows so much character growth in Thor, who sees loki as more than just an asgardian prince that was raised the exact same way opposite of Thor, but as his own fucking person.

-Thor actually not being stupid and falling for Loki’s tricks, aka his magic projections of himself/his petty, stupid betrayals. Tom mentioned that Thor was evolving and that Loki was finally starting to realize that he’s the only one not growing. Scenes like the betrayal scene and the snake scene, although meant to be hilarious, point out that Thor isn’t that idiot that just was too trusting of his brother, he sees through Loki’s tricks, he’s seen them for years, and it really shows that Loki’s getting predictable with his fake deaths and betrayals, which might hint at him changing? 

-IT FIXED THE INCONSISTENCIES. The main reason i didn’t like Dark world, though i did see it as amazing for its ability to mix the emotional darkness between Loki and Thor along with the humor throughout the movie, was because it pointed Loki out to be the type of cold blooded monster that would murder his own father. I mean I’m no Loki apologist, i love the kid but he’s killed, he’s manipulated, he’s hurt everyone around him, but i doubt he could ever kill Odin, no matter how much of a shitty father he is. Also low-key hated the whole “Loki if you betray me, ill kill you” Thor bullshit. We all know thor wouldn’t be able to do that, he still hopes Loki is his brother. 

-AGAIN, THE SNAKE SCENE WAS SO FUNNY. 

-”I thought the world of you Loki.” Ouch. 

-Hulk and Val’s bromance. 

-The entire Valkyrie v. Hela scene. It was so beautiful and ethereal i actually nutted. 

-LOKI DIDN’T NEED TO COME BACK. HE DIDN’T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE SHIP WITH THOR. HE DIDN’T NEED TO GO BACK TO ASGARD. HE COULD HAVE NOT. BUT HE DID. BECAUSE SOMEWHERE IN THERE UNDER THE SELFISHNESS MAYBE HE CARES.

-Loki’s face when odin called him his son. 

-Loki’s face when Hela told him to kneel. 

-Loki refusing to let Thor go back to Asgard. “Are you serious? you can’t be thinking of going back there, that’s madness!” is that? Loki cARING? 

-Loki’s character development. 

-thor in a jean jacket and hoodie in new york. 

-Thor spilling beer everywhere. 

-Loki letting Thor take the orgy ship. 

-Jeff Goldblum. Thats it. 

-LOKIS FACE WITH THOR AND ODIN ON THE ROOF OF THE CASTLE I SCREmed AFTER ALL LOKI DID HE WAS STILL PUT THERE AS A PRINCE OF ASGARD BYE.  

-”Hello father” “OH SHIT” 

-The entire play. Loki’s rule as a benevolent god/king in which, before everyone feared him for a dictatorship militaristic form of ruling he could have, but in reality he just like ate grapes and watched plays. 

-Thor wanting to be a Valkyrie. The crowned prince of asgard, wanting to be an elite team of woman warriors. 

-VAL IS GAY AND IN TESSA THOMPSONS WORDS, HAD A GIRLFRIEND THAT SACRIFICED HERSELF TO SAVE HER. 

-Val kicking Loki’s ass. 

-THE RETURN OF THE DOUBLE BLADES OUT OF NOWHERE. 

-Loki in a suit. 

-HEIMDALL I LOVEJWIFHTGE.

-”I thought you didn’t want to talk about it” “heres the thing” 

-”Hello!” “Hi” *blasts everyone in room with giant laser guns* 

-”What are you? Thor, god of hammers?” 

-IMMIGRANT SONG. 

-”i swear i left him right here” “where? on the street? Or in that nursing home thats being torn down?” 

“I’m not a witch” “Why do you dress like one then?” 

-Loki rolling his eyes when thor is approached by fans. 

-Loki calling stephen strange a shitty sorcerer and going at him with stabby hands. 

-Confirmation of loki’s love of stabbing. 

-Confirmation that Loki is a snake, and also Thor’s favorite snake.

-Loki reciting Thor’s prayer to odin with him mY SON. 

-The avengers parallel. “He’s my brother!” “adopted.” 

-”mbLERG ITS ME” 

-”AGH LOKI!” 

-’DIRECT ME TO WHO’S ASS I HAVE TO KICK” 

-”Where? the devil’s anus?” 

-Bruce fighting evil with fireworks. Good job sweetie. 

-Bruce flopping like a fish on the bifrost. 

-Thor and his sparkles. 

-Lightning eyes. 

-Odin finALLY DYING. THANK GOD. 

-*Loki on a death trip* ‘this is a terrible idea” 

-Loki somehow reciting a spell to bring surtur back. what a weirdo. how did he know that. 

-LOKI COMING BACK. 

-im here. 

-Loki

-Brodinson. 

-Thor and Bruce’s bromance. 

-Jane not being there. I mean it makes sense she dumped him, he left her for two years chasing down infinity stones and constantly almost dying while she had no way of contacting him because Thor’s ass didn’t know how to use fucking email. Also i just really honestly never liked her character to begin with, i mean sure i love that Jane is a strong, smart woman but tbh i just wanted to Fast forward every time she was on screen. 

-The cute death wolf. 

-”THATS HOW IT FEELS!” “sorry i just really like the sport” 

-THOR ACTUALLY BEING PORTRAYED AS LESS OF A JERK WITH CACTUSES SHOVED UP HIS RECTUM AND MORE LIKE THE SWEET, CHARMING, CHARISMATIC AND SLIGHTLY ARROGANT BUT MEANS WELL MAN HE IS. 

-Val being there as a cool as member of the team rather than just the love interest of Thor. Protect her at all cost even though she probs doesn’t even need it. 

-”I’VE BEEN FALLING FOR THIRTY MINUTES” 

-Stan Lee’s cameo as the dude who cut Thor’s hair. Thank you for doing all of us a giant favor. Please do the same to Loki. 

-loki beating someone up with his horn hat. 

-Loki twirling his horn hat. 

-Loki being such a self serving, extra asshole that he came from the fucking fog screaming “YOUR SAVIOR HAS ARRIVED” 

-Bruce asking where tony was and then complaining about his tight crotch pants. 

-LOKI’S COSTUME CHANGE GOD I HATED THE OLD ONES BLESS UP. 

-Loki’s costume being mainly blue, black, and gold :-)))))))

-Loki being 100% done with everything that happens. 

-Val knocking Loki out when he makes her relive her trauma why do people ship this you go honey that was a dick move

-Thor throwing various things at Loki to make sure he’s not a mirage. 

-he’s a friend from work, something a kid from make a wish that met chris suggested, being in the film and all of the trailers. I hope that made that kid smile. 

-”In return, i wish to be granted safe passage through the anus” 

-LOKI FINALLY ACCEPTING THAT HE DIDN’T WANT THE THRONE WITHOUT A FAMILY. THAT HE’D RATHER WATCH HIS BROTHER TAKE IT AND STILL HAVE A BROTHER THAN HAVE A THRONE WITH NO ONE TO SHARE IT WITH. 

-LOKI SHOWING UP ON SCREEN DURING THOR’S CORONATION. 

-Loki being genuinely worried about and double checking if Thor really wants to bring him back to earth after what he did kill me honestly that would probably hurt less. 

-Loki’s face when thor said that going their separate ways was what Loki always wanted bc in reality that is the opposite go back. 

-Hela not being Loki’s daughter because 1) it proves that ya’ll should stop hoping that a comic soap opera about rich petty alien boys with daddy issues would be anything like classic norse mythology, and 2) when the fuck and how the fuck and why the fuck 

-Loki suggesting that he and Thor both rule over Sakaar together lmao ouch. 

-Loki just being really cute and quirky. 

-Thor being so fucking amazed by Val all the time. 

-”You’re late.” 

-”I saw you coming” “course you did.” 

-THE GUNS NAMED DES AND TROY I WANTED TO FUCKING DIE. 

What i didn’t like much; 

-Hela. I loved her character, but honestly here is where i think there might’ve been some failure despite how much i loved that movie. She seemed so out of place as a villain, and i feel like the whole related shit tried to mimic Guardians vol. 2, but honestly the fact that Thor didn’t care much about her made her feel so out of place. But i did like some parts, like how she was so disappointed about not being remembered or what her existence and disappointment did to how loki was raised. 

-Dr. Strange? Ok that was weird. It makes sense and it was funny to see him but to be honest i wasn’t into it. 

-tHE SCENE WITH VAL AND A GIRL BEING CUT. WHYWHYWHY

-tbh was not fond of frost master, don’t hate me. 

-Loki possibly taking the tesseract????? And hinting that he might turn evil again??? don’t do this to me marvel. 

-loki possibly being turned into the quirky sidekick of his brother. Loki is Thor’s equal, not his annoying little brother/wacky sidekick. I didn’t get that vibe often, but sometimes i did honestly. 

-RIP thor’s hammer. 

-ODIN BEING A PIECE OF SHIT YET AGAIN. 

-Hela’s entrance. it was so quick and like out of place i was like what wait, Loki and thor didn’t even have time to prepare or even mourn. 

-the comedy. It was its best and worst part of the movie. Sometimes it was tasteful. Other times it was too much. Thor and Loki didn’t even get to mourn for their dad who tbh was an asshole but still their dad before there was a annoying joke about kneeling. It took away from the story sometimes.

-the lack of hugging between thor and loki.

-The way they glossed over the warriors three’s death like they weren’t Thor’s closest friends and the only ones there for him when Odin tried to banish Thor to earth :-))))) I mean after all that shit he went through I’m pretty fucking sure it probably hasn’t caught up to him but ya bitch still pissed. 

-The way, Thor, who basically admitted that Loki actually meant the world to him and was the only family he had left, didn’t ask where he was after asgard exploded? Like tbh i get it, he trusts Loki, his brothers capable and strong and most of all really fucking smart, but i’d still be like :-) the fuck is Loki. I think this is a directing error though rather than like the characters fucking up but i was freaking out, i mean asgard was literally pebbles and everyone was out BUT my son. 

-No sif, i mean i get it Jaime Alexander was busy but like y'all could’ve explained smh. 

-Loki not getting a hair cut. When will his emo phase end. 

-Not getting that one flashback to 80′s asgard with mullets and emo loki. 

Overall it was pretty fucking cool, one of the best movies of the trilogy. I fell in love with the marvel cinematic universe all over again. But it wasn’t perfect. 

[frasier-crane-style]

So Spider-Man: Homecoming strikes me as largely a... ummmm... unholy aberration? In that it’s a comic book adaptation that largely isn’t based on the comic book, it’s based on John Hughes movies from the eighties. And then at the same time, it’s modernized and updated and diversified because it can’t be old and outdated like the Dikto comics (although Ultimate Spider-Man was largely the same), but then all that modernization and updating is based on... the eighties.

1. Diversity

I suppose we might as well start with the elephant in the room. In the lead-up to Homecoming being released, there were a ton of articles backpatting Marvel (or backpatting themselves, rather) over how much of the cast was non-white. Not that you’d know it from looking at the poster, of course.

I just have problems. One, the diversity itself. I see it as mainly Marvel trying to placate the fans who wanted Miles Morales, a little like a dad who forgot his kid’s birthday so at the gas station he got a Sandlot DVD or whatever. “No, you’re not Spider-Man, but you CAN be... Ned Leeds! Don’t ya wanna be Ned Leeds, negroes?” Like, does that really matter that much? Are there black people dancing in the streets because Liz Allan is biracial? Is it really that big a deal that Spider-Man’s sidekicks and/or love interests are minorities, when that was also the case in Captain America, Iron Man, Guardians of the Galaxy, Ant-Man, etc. And all of them did it without this racebending that was apparently so necessary. 

It also bugs me that Marvel justifies it by going “well, we’re just reflecting the real world diversity in New York! hashtag stay woke!” Yeah, they’re just reflecting the real world. Like in Captain America, when they reflected the reality of the segregated army of the 1940s.

Or how they reflected that all of the Norse gods were, y’know, kinda Norse.

It’s not that it’s such a bad argument, it’s just that I see it argued in bad faith a lot. When it suits their needs, people on the Left argue “hey, it’s realistic, you have to do X!” (see the Dunkirk “controversy”) Then when it doesn’t suit their needs, they argue “hey, there are dragons or aliens or whatever, it doesn’t need to be realistic! We can say that in 1966, the US army was all lesbian schoolgirls! Who cares?”

Just pick a position and stick to it. Also, maybe that diversity should carry over to the bad guys as well. Remember the head of a Middle Eastern terrorist organization, according to Marvel?

Or the head of a Far East cult?

Anyway, all this limp-wristed apologizing for Peter Parker being Spider-Man instead of Miles Morales comes off as especially galling when he’s getting his own movie. No other legacy character is getting that good a deal. There aren’t two Batman movies coming out, one with Dick Grayson and one with Bruce Wayne. And yet, Peter Parker’s movie still has to suffer and even incorporate a bunch of Miles Morales’s canon for no real reason. If you’re going to make a Peter Parker movie, make a Peter Parker movie, not this half-assed “oh, it’s Peter, but don’t worry, Miles is on his way, sorry, sorry, sorry!”

2. Flash

I don’t buy the Flash Thompson update at all. Like, is that really how bullying works now? The popular, cool nerd picking on the unpopular, lame nerd? It’s like, they’re both on the academic decathlon team. Flash is picking on Peter because he’s a better mathlete than him. Imagine Flash Thompson as a football player, and Peter is another football player who’s better at it than him, and somehow Flash is at the top of the social hierarchy and Peter’s at the bottom. Does that make any sense?

Of course, if they were really going to update Peter’s bullying, it would seem like they would at least mention cyberbullying, instead of just making Peter’s ‘tormentor’ a guy who makes passive-aggressive comments that Peter doesn’t even seem to notice. I feel like the irony of Peter being far stronger than Flash, but obviously unable to haul off and sock him one, plus the irony of Flash being a fan of Spider-Man but disliking Peter, is way stronger than whatever they’re trying to accomplish by giving him an ‘intellectual rival.’

Also, is making Peter’s nemesis a rich prick really that much more original than his nemesis being a jerk jock? REALLY?

3. MJ

I would argue their rendition of ‘MJ’ is way less faithful than the outright loathed Deadpool in X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Wolverine, you get at least a couple of scenes where Ryan Reynolds is playing Wade Wilson, he’s making jokes, he has two katanas... he turns into an abomination, but he spends several scenes not as an abomination.

Michelle... they adapted a famously dancing party girl and all they had her talk about was how she hates parties. She’s literally the exact opposite of Mary Jane. Even the watered down MJs in the Raimi movies, Ultimate comics, and SMLMJ were still popular, positive characters. 

Michelle, again, exact opposite. I have no idea why people are cool with this except that either they’re fetishizing, like, any black people at all--Chris Tucker could come in and scream “HELP ME, SPIDER-MAN, I GOT THESE CRIMINALS ALL OVER ME!” and they’d go yay, representation matters--or they hate Mary Jane in the first place and wouldn’t care if Marvel turned her into Norman Osborn’s chief assassin and baby-killer.

In which case, it seems you should complain a little just on principle. Isn’t any character entitled to a little better treatment than this? Especially a famous female character that has a lot of fans who she means something to? If you’re going to make this character a socially awkward nerd, why not at least name her after Gwen Stacy or Debra Whitman, who are at least something like that in canon? Even if you’re just a Gwen Stacy fan, do you want the waters muddied so that now a (nominally) completely different character has traits adopted from your fave? Do you like it when female characters are treated as completely interchangeable?

4. Ned

The last of the new kids/updates/whatever the fuck is Ned, and fuck him. Fuck him in his stupid Ganke face yes I said it. I guess we’re going to ignore the hypocrisy of Ganke being the most faithfully adapted character in a Spider-Man movie, but Marvel casting an actor of a different ethnicity, so they give the character the name of another character of yet another ethnicity to cover, because everything is stupid and sucks all the time now.

BUT ANYWAY, all this just so Peter can have “a guy on a computer”? He already has Karen, which is enough of a fucking departure already, and the movie even points out how cliched a guy on a computer is! Smallville did it, Birds of Prey did it, Arrow does it, The Flash does it, Supergirl does it--does Spider-Man really have to crib notes from those fucking pikers?

The bigger problem, though, is this.

5. Secret identity

I understand Marvel deciding Peter can’t just have an internal monologue, they need to give him a character to talk to so the audience can know how he’s feeling. The Amazing Spider-Mans did that with Gwen and, at least theoretically, I’m fine with that.

My issue is that Marvel took Peter, one of their most introverted and neurotic characters, and let his entire supporting cast know he’s Spider-Man!

Seriously. Let’s check who in the cast knows he’s Spider-Man by the end of the movie.

1. Ganke/Ned

2. Tony Stark

3. Happy Hogan

4. (presumably) Pepper Potts

5. Michelle suspects/could know (so should that be half?)

5.5. Aunt May

6. The Vulture

7. Karen

So... essentially everyone but fucking Flash. One or two of these would be fine, but he can fucking take everyone who knows out to a buffet and have a roundtable discussion on what to do about the Scorpion. What about him being a loner? What’s the point of a secret identity if everyone who matters knows? What about him having to figure stuff out on his own? 

6. Rich uncle

So let me ask you something. Aunt May gets really sick--in fact, her being chronically ill would be a good way to replicate the comics’ elderly May instead of May being the bread-winner in a family that seems comfortably middle class, cough cough--what does Peter do? Does he go to the Daily Bugle and beg Jameson for an assignment? Is he tempted to rob a bank or just take some money from a crook he’s busted? How does he pay for this?

Well, in this canon, obviously he just asks Tony to write him a check.

It’s so odd, because you’d think the idea of Peter Parker as being financially unstable and constantly struggling with money troubles would be more relevant than ever these days. Yet, by making him Tony’s fucking surrogate motherfucking son, that aspect is totally neutered. Why does this Peter need to work at the Bugle at all? Why should he do anything except ask Stark--the guy who buys masterpieces he’s never even heard of on a lark--for money and then goof off?

In the comics, at least initially, Peter is constantly being Spider-Man not only to fight injustice, but also because the photographs he takes of himself fighting supervillains is the only way he has to make a living and support his aunt. Homecoming, May can support herself, he has Tony as the world’s biggest safety net, so the Spider-Man thing seems less a responsibility and more like a fun hobby he does for shits and giggles.

I’m not saying Spider-Man should be Batman, angsting and brooding over being a superhero, but shouldn’t there be some mixed feelings and conflict over it? 

And, for a character who iconically has to repair his own costume with a sewing kit, does it not seem really inappropriate for him to now be wearing a Harrier jet? They try to adapt the part in Civil War where he rejects the Iron Spider suit, but since the Iron Spider suit is here the classic costume we all want to see him in, now he rejects an even more advanced powered armor suit, while keeping the still very advanced powered armor suit that is somehow supposed to be down-home and authentic.

(I guess no one pointed out that the entire Tony-Peter relationship throughout Civil War ended with Peter realizing what an anus Tony was and rejecting him.)

6a. Rich spotlight-stealing uncle

By the way, this totally takes the emphasis off Peter as a genius in his own right (which is, remember, the reason he’s supposed to have this deep bond with Tony in the first place). Who cares if Peter invented webbing and webshooters if that’s only 1% of what his suit can do and everything else is this stupendous stuff Tony Stark came up with? You might as well go whole-hog and say that Peter was just doing parkour before and Tony invented everything. Peter isn’t even the one to hack into his own suit, he needs Gankned for that. 

7. Rich SUPERHERO uncle

Also, we’ve established that this Spider-Man isn’t qualified to fight supervillains and is expected to call for back-up whenever he runs into one, unless he’s just stupidly prideful (which is, y’know, irresponsible--not very Spidery). For the plot to work, thus we get this dumb conflict where Tony and Hogan apparently ignore Peter’s ass, only for them to ‘heartwarmingly’ reveal that they really have listened and paid attention to his missives. They just, you know, never actually tell him that or really anything (doesn’t Tony seem like the kind of guy who would at least text Peter? Probably a lot? He seems to love hanging out with the Avengers and chatting about superhero stuff otherwise...)

I know Tony is supposed to be that stupid, even after ten movies where the theme is “Tony learns not to be that stupid,” but does that really sound like something Hogan and especially Pepper would go along with?

It’s contrived enough in the first place that we’d end up in a situation where Peter is trying to call Iron Man in on this supervillain hoedown going on right now, but they won’t take his calls, so what happens in the sequel? Peter runs into the Lizard, he calls the Avengers, they say “sorry, kid--we’re all busy”? I’m not ungenerous, I’ll accept that in most solo movies, Thor or Captain America won’t call in the cavalry, but with Spider-Man, isn’t it just child endangerment to say “yeah, we know we’re supposed to help you, but it’s your solo movie, we’re not springing for ScarJo and Hulk’s FX team, we’re already giving Sony fifty percent”?

Maybe when they were ripping off Supergirl’s ‘guy at the computer,’ they should’ve realized how bad it looks when Superman is out there somewhere protecting the world, but won’t help out Supergirl no matter how bad it gets, because either she or he is an idiot.

8. The Vulture

I guess everyone likes the idea of a sympathetic, Walter White Marvel supervillain they didn’t notice the movie doesn’t actually do that? In the very first scene (before the studio logos, even!), he seems like a decent enough guy, but one time-skip later and he’s the Vulture, without seeming the least bit conflicted or remorseful about his actions. (We also immediately see him in costume, and it seems like they should’ve saved that until his first attack on Spider-Man.)

He talks a good game about how oppressed he is, but really, he seems to just do typical supervillain shit like killing his underlings for failing him, only then he literally says “whoops, I meant to use the NOT killing him raygun!” Ambiguity! Who gives a shit?

I, too, like the idea of a supervillain who starts off maybe not that bad and then becomes more desperate and dangerous as Spidey closes in on him, but really, Vulture is just another supervillain with a doomsday plan, only it takes him until the end for him to finally say “yeah, let’s go ahead with the doomsday plan!”

9. There is going to be Iron Man in your Iron Man/Spider-Man team-up movie, right?

I know a lot of people were worried about Iron Man dominating what is, after all, a Spider-Man movie, but I feel somewhat the opposite. If you’re going to have trailers ending in big money shots of Spider-Man and Iron Man running around side by side (shots that weren’t ever in the movie but were filmed just for the trailer) and posters with giant Iron Man front and center.

(This is actually three posters joined together and it’s depicting a scene that doesn’t even happen a little!)

It kinda seems like Iron Man should be important to the plot. Like Black Widow in Winter Soldier. That was a Captain America movie, clearly, but Widow had a big part to play. Homecoming, it seems more like Tony Stark cameos, only that makes it into all the trailers and posters. Why is there not a scene of Spider-Man and Iron Man fighting together? Or even of the Vulture hacking Iron Man and forcing him to fight Spider-Man? Or some development of this Vulture/Iron Man feud that’s alluded to, but then pretty much has nothing to do with anything (tell me, how would the movie be different if, say, Danny Rand had founded Damage Control instead of Stark?).

I’m just saying, if we’re going to have this character in the movie at all, why not use him to the fullest, or somewhere near the fullest? Kinda seems like the most important thing Tony does in this is get back together with Pepper so we can tie up that dangling plot thread from Civil War. 

10. The Shocker

Okay, I know this is pedantic, but it bugs me. So they have the Shocker in this as Vulture’s henchman. That’s fine--Shocker was never going to be anything other than the Scarecrow to other people’s Ra’s al Ghul. But why did they have to handle him in such an awkward way?

First, what happened to his costume? I remember there were behind-the-scenes pictures of it that looked perfectly serviceable.

Even the old video games did a ‘grounded, realistic’ take that looked halfway decent.

The toy looked fine too.

Then in the actual movie...

Oh... he’s that guy with the yellow sleeves holding a laser gun. Wait, two guys. Great.

Fucking Whiplash is dressed to the nines in comparison. What happened?

Then there’s this sequence of events. So in the movie, the OG Shocker is Montana Bryce, played by Logan Marshall-Green. (He really has nothing to do with the Shocker except in Spectacular Spider-Man, where it made sense because the Enforcers were already established characters, so they basically handed the character the tech and said presto, the Shocker.)

(Hence my theory that they’re not so much are adapting the comics than they are the comics’ Wikipedia pages. Well, that and fucking John Hughes movies, because instead of the covers or iconic panels, that’s what they pay homage to.)

Anyway, he fails Vulture, Vulture says “you’ve failed me for the last time” and kills him, then says that Herman Schultz (Shocker I in the comics) is now the Shocker. Herman Schultz--which sounds like something a black teenager would get on his fake ID in a Wayans Bros movie--is played by Bokeem Woodbine, who also seems way too intimidating and competent for the character.

But I guess he’s the official Shocker now and the whole Montana thing was just to show how ruthless the Vulture, except that they walked it back because he’s really sympathetic and honorable, except, except...

I can understand wanting a black supervillain for their Sinister Six movie and it would actually be fitting to the canonical, hard-luck Herman Schultz to end up being killed off and replaced by a more capable character. Y’know, unlike the time von Strucker got defeated in the opening scene then killed off-screen.

The point is, if they’d just switched it so that Logan Marshall-Green (or a more comedic actor) was playing Herman Schultz and Bokeem Woodbine was playing, I don’t know, John Cena/Shocker II, it would fit a hundred times better. But they just didn’t care. 

11. “My friends call me MJ” is stupid and I hate it and I hate you

I shouldn’t have to explain that making a character the exact opposite of any shred of prior characterization she’s had, then ‘revealing’ she really is the character she’s purposely been given no resemblance to is stupid Mystery Box bullshit. It’s like if the next Star Trek movie had a character named “the Sarge” with round ears who constantly guzzled beer and got emotional and said that logic sucked, then at the end, he said “well, my real name is Spock” and then the producer had to go online to say that he’s not the Spock but he is a Spock and him having pointed ears is something only racists care about and anyway he’s a new take on the character, get off our backs!

It’s not even a twist! It’s just giving the audience incorrect information, then declaring that incorrect information is suddenly correct.

But okay! I guess nothing means anything anymore and life is pointless. So let’s say that you have an audience who has never read a Spider-Man comic in their lives. (We’ll call them the target audience.) In fact, they’ve never even heard of Spider-Man. Not Green Goblin, not Doctor Octopus. They didn’t see the Sam Raimi movies or the Marc Webb movies or any of the cartoons. As far as they’re concerned, Spider-Man didn’t exist before he showed up in Civil War (which was very confusing for them, because they didn’t explain his powers or his origin or why he was living with his hot aunt instead of his parents or anything at all).

But this audience watches the movie Spider-Man: Homecoming and takes this character Michelle at face value. At the end, she says “My friends call me MJ.”

Well... so what? That doesn’t change anything for the audience. It doesn’t affect the plot. It’s the equivalent of having Verbal Kint, at the end of The Usual Suspects, reveal that he has a limp and a canker sore. 

Of course we, the prospective audience, do know that Michelle is Peter’s love interest, because she was the top-billed female lead and did all the press with Tom Holland and is the only woman who’s not a Parker family member on the poster. Oh, and because MJ is historically a big Peter Parker love interest. Except we literally don’t know or care anything about her personality or appearance or backstory or relationships with different characters other than that. But for the audience member who knows nothing else about MJ except that she fucks Peter Parker, this is a big deal. Unless in the sequel, they decide not to have her as the love interest after all.

Are you getting my point here? It’s not even a good twist. A good twist would be if the Liz Allan character were referred to as MJ, then at the end it was revealed that it stood for Marion Juliet or whatever, and that she had never been Mary Jane. Or if Zendeya (why doesn’t she have a fucking last name? You’re 20, no 20-year-old has ever been iconic, get over yourself, you’re not goddamn Cher) had said “my friends call me Harriet Osborn,” that at least would’ve been something definitive, because we would’ve known Norman is coming and he’s related to this girl.

But just... this bitch may or may not be their take on Mary Jane and she may or may not get with Peter and that may or may not come to anything... who the hell cares? It’s like a negative twist. Everyone saw it coming and it makes the story less interesting now that it’s been revealed. It’s like if the first episode of How I Met Your Mother ended with Saget saying “oh, I end up with Robin, spoiler alert.” Okay, why are we watching the fucking show now? Either you lied and that information is even more pointless than it already is or you’re going to fuck Cobie Smolders and the whole thing is a foregone conclusion. 

12. Lights! Camera! Action?

The action scenes are all short and unsatisfying, especially given that they’re using the Vulture, yet their prequeletic decision not to let Spider-Man actually web-swing (because he hasn’t earned it yet, dontchaknow) means that they don’t let them have any real memorable aerial duels. I guess so much for the entire reason to use that character.

They have all the ingredients for it to work--numerous henchmen armed with high-tech weaponry, an inexperienced (and borderline incompetent) Spider-Man, yet he pretty much just steam-rolls through everyone by virtue of his Amazing Technicolor Spidey-Suit. It makes you think that’s all that’s keeping him from being completely invulnerable is his own ineptitude and failure to properly utilize his suit. 

It’s like they knew they couldn’t pull off a better action scene than the train sequence in Spider-Man 2, so instead of at least trying to do so--like taking advantage of modern technology to give us a big Vulture fight among the skyscrapers, or giving us the Iron Man/Spider-Man team-up that was the whole point of this movie--they just turned the action scenes into open mic night. Oh, look, Spider-Man’s getting hit with golf balls! And he’s recreating Ferris Bueller jumping on a trampoline from 31-year-old movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, all very relevant and modern and updated and today’s youth! Hey, audience, we’re not taking this seriously, so why should you? Just give it a soft pass, c’mon, dontcha like Spider-Man?

I just think that, when you have this smug “we’re going to do it RIGHT” attitude of naming your movie ‘Homecoming’ and (deservedly) throwing the ASM movies under the bus, aren’t you obliged to actually follow through and do Spider-Man right instead of this bastardized hybrid of John Hughes, white Miles Morales, teen movie cliches, political correctness, Tony Stark branding, and all this other crap that has jack all to do with Peter Parker? Because they had the perfect opportunity, with the decoy Liz Allan love interest and setting multiple movies in high school, to actually do a very faithful adaptation of the comics, of Spider-Man’s supporting cast... even just having Mary Jane cameo in a few scenes, being this quipping fun-lover but not yet a love interest, would’ve done so much to make this feel like Spider-Man instead of an Iron Man spin-off. Which is what it is.