#ancestor veneration.... etc etc etc. none of it sticks. none of it feels like i'm doing something
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contemplating the idea that religion and spirituality and supernatural beliefs might simply not be for me and it is a bit sad
#i would say i officially officially left christianity in 2018#and since then i have tried a multitude of different things trying to fill the space that left in my life#and i kept trying to shove things in there not realizing that space was being filled on its own#it is filled with nature (not in a nature as religion way... explaining what i mean might be its whole own post cause it's complicated)#and my friends and family. it's filled with love for myself and care for other people#there is non christian music that makes me feel the way christian music used to#i don't need god to be happy#i don't want god to be happy either#and this search for some belief in something. paganism. divination. ghosts. pop culture polytheism. heathenism. witchcraft. devil worship.#ancestor veneration.... etc etc etc. none of it sticks. none of it feels like i'm doing something#it all (as in all religion and spirituality and supernatural beliefs) feels like pretend. my brain is sure it's all make believe#and it makes me feel a bit sad because i wanted it for so long#and so many other people have it and it's very important to them#and i would like to devote myself to something bigger than me#but it just... doesn't work for me#and i don't need it... so maybe i'm going to try not looking for a while and see how it goes#this doesn't mean i am lacking in some way. it doesn't make my life empty#it doesn't mean i can't feel the way others do#it just means i am different from some people and that's okay
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