#an informal ode / reflection on events so far ig tho tbh i had not intended for introspection to be part of this when i started

[rozyrne]

　✱ .　AUGUST IN ACRYLICS　/　drabble

lapis and the masked guy were out ; their room was empty for now. sort of rare since they'd got here——usually at least one of them was in when he was, so the quiet left behind is all at the same time peaceful and a bit of a downer.

there's a bunch of reasons for this, probably.

for starters: all this time, and he's never really gotten used to being alone. sure, he'd left the village, and he'd definitely never been as surrounded by other people since, but he'd joined elusia's academy not too long after that——found hortensia. found goldmary. it didn't take much for them to be inseparable, all of them kinda with their own reasons for wanting to find some people they could feel close to. thinking of it like that, he really misses them.

. . .

he really, really misses them.

a wave of something powerful starts up just below his stomach, crests up over the bars of his ribcage like the tide, choppy and strong, tipped with white fingers that reach their salt into his throat and try to get all the way to elusia on the other side. his hand slows where it absently rubs a towel over the back of his neck, pauses as he stares distantly at and past the bed where lapis sleeps, imagines for a moment that his other friends might be in the other two on either side of him, and. . .

second: the times he has been alone haven't really been good ones. there's coming out of his village for one——those couple years he'd been trying to figure out what to do, where to go, the world was so big!, what do i even do with it?? and most of time it's ' do you always talk like that? ' ; ' what's wrong with your hair? ' ; ' oh you're like really... really intense. '

you know, nothing serious or anything. just little things that you don't worry too much about, that you can't say anything to in the moment except ' uh huh, yeah ' and don't stop to wonder later why something,

something,

kinda bothered you.

(⠀' were you raised in a barn?? '⠀)

the casual blow had been meant for him. but had struck lapis instead. . . and left her cracked and bleeding.

. . .

because by now, anyway, that sort of thing doesn't bother him much anymore. he knows people are gonna say what they're gonna say, think what they're gonna think, and there's really only so much he can change about himself.

but he also knows that there's so much to change about himself, so much to decide whether and how much he should or even wants to——that it's a fine, fine line between sacrificing too much of himself and making sure he can be well-liked, a fine, fine line between i dunno, never had this problem before and no one's gonna like me otherwise.⠀(⠀you never know if a friend gets hurt because of it otherwise.⠀)

so what to change,

and how much,

and for what kind of reason. . .

. . .

lapis and the masked guy are out, leaving their room empty for now. four people, down one ; the empty bed lingering like a mark of absence——white, the color of deficit.

it's sad, thinking that ares won't be here for the rest of the month. with them, even though they'd gotten on each other's nerves, even though there's parts of him maybe he couldn't stand. with them, turning out the candles with a chorus of ' good nights ' at different pitches and moods, getting ready together in the morning, eyerolling at his little team snake cheers. thinks he'll miss the⠀" are you done with the sink yet?"⠀just a little bit.

. . . yeah! just a little bit.

"hope you can still have a blast, wherever you are ~ " he puts on his best face with hands upon both hips. like a dream still awaiting its dreamers with joy before it flies, a memorandum of affection.

"the rest of us, your room C——we'll give it everything we've got."