#an idea for a novel that sadly didn't come true

[kanansdume]

Hello! Your pro-Jedi posts are so precious in mostly anti-Jedi rhetoric circulating around fandom and canon (sadly). So I wanted to ask: have you read a novel Ashoka by E.K.Johnson? If you haven’t, I hope you don’t mind some spoilers and a small rant.

I didn’t expect a lot while getting to it, but it still rubbed me wrong. Cannot remember specifically, but the general idea was ‘The Jedi were so trapped in the past and dogmatic, so they’re partially to blame for their downfall’. After reading lots of Jedi-defending meta, it just hurts.

One moment I remember most, though. After Ahsoka and Bail Organa save population of a small planet, occupied by the Empire, Bail calls her a Jedi.

Ahsoka: I’m no Jedi.

Bail: But you act like one.

And I’m just: yes! Yes, you do act like a Jedi! You meditate the Jedi way, you think the Jedi way – how come you’re not a Jedi? Only because you weren’t knighted? Meta-speaking, Kanan, Ezra and Luke also weren’t fully trained by the community, but they still are Jedi. Especially in a non-Jedi Imperial world. And non-Force-sensitive population in-universe won’t see the difference between a fully-trained Jedi Knight and an almost fully-trained Jedi Padawan – they’re still ‘Jedi’ to them.

I felt like this novel enforces the current idea that Ahsoka is better that ‘those stupid old dogmatic Jedi of the Prequels’. Sorry for the rant and thanks for reading.

Thank-you, I'm glad you've liked what I've managed to contribute to the pro Jedi fandom!

As for the Ahsoka novel, I haven't read it (but I don't mind spoilers since I don't ever plan to). I read like the first two thirds of Queen's Peril and then got bored and then I started hearing some pretty nasty things about E.K. Johnston and have refused to ever pick it back up again or ever read another of her books. So I'm not at all shocked that she's part of the Jedi critical crowd. It's even LESS shocking that it came out within the Ahsoka novel, just given the way Ahsoka as a character has been going for YEARS. It sounds like it's handling the issue in the same basic way a lot of people have done, nothing unique there.

If I'm willing to try to re-interpret the "I'm no Jedi" stuff into a more pro Jedi version, Ahsoka doesn't see herself as a Jedi because, unlike all of those other characters, Ahsoka LEFT the Order before it was destroyed and before she officially completed her training and never rejoined it. Kanan never left it at all, it was just destroyed around him (the same is true for Cal Kestis from the Jedi games). And he does TECHNICALLY get Knighted by Yoda during Rebels and takes on a Padawan, hallmarks of a Jedi Knight. Ezra and Luke never had an Order to join to begin with, so their willingness to identify themselves as Jedi isn't dependent on having officially joined the right organization so much as it is about having learned from someone else who identifies as a Jedi and being told their training is complete. Both Ezra and Luke kind-of reach that point with Kanan and Yoda, so they never question their identity as Jedi.

Ahsoka is in the VERY unique position of having not been a Jedi OFFICIALLY when the Order was destroyed, which leaves her in slightly more limbo than most others. She HAD the ability to rejoin it before it was destroyed, she just didn't, and now she has to kind-of move away from the idea of needing to be a part of the Order before she can call herself a real Jedi. She also never has a master tell her she's done with training. In both Kanan and Cal's cases, their masters died to protect them and so someone else (Yoda and Cere) has to step in to finish the job. For Ahsoka, her master is STILL ALIVE, he's just now a Sith and is trying to kill her. Nobody steps in to try to finish the job he started with Ahsoka (nor does Ahsoka really ever seem that open to it). This ALSO leaves her in a little bit of limbo in a way nobody else is.

So I'm generally willing to sort-of re-interpret her choosing not to identify as a Jedi within this context to make it less about feeling like she's better than all the other Jedi and more that she feels STUCK in how to get back to that identity in a way nobody else is. Just because she still meditates and tries to help people doesn't make her officially a Jedi when she intentionally left the Order for a reason. She chose to stop being a Jedi for a reason. In the Prequels Era, just being a kind Force sensitive person didn't make you a Jedi, so it works for me that Ahsoka would insist that she ISN'T one for a while, even when she looks a lot like one to an outside perspective. I could even see a more Jedi positive narrative taking the fact that she still acts and thinks like a Jedi in an interesting direction for her.

It's easier to utilize that interpretation in Rebels where Ahsoka is GENERALLY more positive about the Jedi and, despite not really identifying as one herself, she seems fine with getting lumped in as a Jedi along with Kanan and Ezra. She intentionally seeks Kanan and Ezra out for "Jedi stuff" once or twice during season 2. She ONLY brings out the "I'm no Jedi" line when Anakin throws the Jedi (and the fact that she'd left the Order) in her face during their confrontation before he's explicitly revealed to be Anakin (which means Ahsoka can still pretend he's NOT Anakin and be angry that this is the person who KILLED Anakin instead). She seems like she might be on the path towards becoming a Jedi again by following these two people who are slightly further ahead on that path than she is (and then she sees Anakin as Vader and she gets blown right off of that path all over again apparently). Ahsoka isn't the main character of Rebels and the entire narrative is about Ezra and Kanan coming together as teacher and student to become true Jedi by learning compassion and selflessness via sacrifice. Ahsoka can't overshadow or outshine the two main characters by making her seem BETTER than the two characters who are explicitly learning to become Jedi by emulating Prequels Jedi, which is helping her.

It's HARDER to utilize this interpretation within something like, say, the Ahsoka show, where it's absolutely clear that its take on the Jedi is NEGATIVE. Sabine calls herself a Jedi, other people call her a Jedi, but Ahsoka explicitly states that she doesn't want Sabine to be a Jedi AT ALL and never identifies as one herself. She calls the Jedi failures and implies that it's because they were elitist. She and Sabine constantly refuse to abide by Huyang's standard Jedi protocols and seem to see them as useless and old-fashioned. There isn't a SINGLE thing about the Jedi that is represented as positive in this show, which makes it decidedly difficult to pretend that Ahsoka is refusing to identify as a Jedi simply because she's in a particular emotional limbo about it that she needs to work out. Instead, Ahsoka refuses to identify as a Jedi because she associates being a Jedi with being an elitist asshole apparently and might only start reclaiming the title when she decides that she can sort-of... be a new kind of Jedi that's better than the old ones (not unlike what Baylan claims to be doing with Shin). It's DECIDEDLY anti Jedi in tone and I'm generally unwilling to try to rework the entire fucked up narrative of the show to try to pretend that it isn't. The Ahsoka show is an explicitly anti Jedi narrative and that's just... the facts of the matter. It sucks, but it's true. It's not worth me putting in any more work than that.

I haven't read the Ahsoka novel, so I don't know whether its tone is closer to Rebels or the Ahsoka show. If it feels to you closer to how the Ahsoka show landed, my advice would be to just purge it from your canon. That's the nice thing about Star Wars, you can pick and choose what's canon to you and what isn't. If it doesn't work for you, you can straight up pretend it doesn't exist. As far as I'm concerned, the Ahsoka show never happened. It's stupid and doesn't deserve to be considered within my canon. If, however, it feels closer to how Rebels ended up, my advice is to see if you can find some way to re-interpret some of the more Jedi critical pieces or just pretend THOSE parts don't exist and separate it out from the parts you DO enjoy.

[humanpurposes]

how did your passion for writing come about? Do you write just for pleasure or also for work? Cause you're incredibly talented and i assume, since you have a degree in politics and International relations, that you worked in journalism. probably it's just an assumption but it's a work that may fit you, i believe :)

Hi :) This is such a lovely ask, thanks for sending it!

I've been interested in writing for a long time, it's something my mum really encouraged when I was a little kid and she'd buy me blank notebooks to make my own stories. When I was in school I started to think that maybe I was good at creative writing because it was one of the few things I got good marks in without really thinking about it. And I was definitely more confident writing essays in humanities subjects over maths or science.

I've only really come into my own as a writer since I started writing fanfiction. When I was a teenager I'd have all these characters and ideas in my head, or ideas for fanfics of movies I loved, but I was never able to get the ball rolling. I'd write a few lines of dialogue then give up. Whatever it was about House of the Dragon (Ewan Mitchell in the long blond wig) just clicked for me. I started writing my first fic in November 2022 which I ended up ditching because I didn't like where the plot was going and also because I started working on Karma is a God, and decided to focus on that instead as my 'main series'.

Sadly, I'm not a professional writer (yet) but I really want to turn it into a career! It's funny, I started uni thinking I was going to go into politics or the civil service, but then in my second year I was like "actually I hate the sound of that. I want to be a ✨creative✨". It’s kinda crazy to me how much indulging a hobby completely shifted my career goals and even the way I view myself. I've always been into books, films and theatre, but now it's a whole different level. I feel so much more eager to absorb all the information and inspiration I can, and I feel so motivated seeing other people pursue what they love.

I've not done anything too interesting with my degree haha, a few internships and freelance jobs in social media and marketing. Since graduating, I've mostly been working in retail and attempting to work towards a career in acting. Acting and writing are my true loves and I figured I might as well embrace the uncertainty and the lack of job security while I'm in my early 20s and just go for it? If I don't make any money from creative endeavours I feel like there is so much I could do, writing in some form, marketing, anything in theatre or around the industry would be cool. I could see myself doing a Masters in History or Journalism actually, funny you should mention that.

At the moment, the goal is just to work. Be in plays. Be in a period drama. Write a short film. Write a fantasy series. And some kind of emotionally devastating magnum opus novel.

I've talked SO MUCH about myself, sorry 😭 But this was a really cute ask to get on a Sunday night! Hope you have a lovely week anon ❤️

[quoththeowl31]

So Emilia was originally an OC for Varian and the 7 Kingdoms from Disney's Rapunzel. (VK7 was a concept for a spin off graphic novel that didn't get approved sadly)

Emilia was a Saporian girl around the same age as Varian who would act as an antagonist towards him and his friends over most of their journey. Her goal was to take the totems for herself in order to access the Eternal Library in hopes to find a way to break a curse she had accidentally unleashed on her village.

She and Varian would eventually have a moment where the two agreed to help each other and she'd become team medic/magic expert. Of course she's able to break the curse.

I came up with a spin off of the spin off that would have her coming to Corona to undergo training to become a doctor/advisor under Rapunzel though it's not without its own challenges.

As she was Saporian (and the younger sister to Andrew/Hubert), she had a lot of animosity towards Corona and faced a lot of prejudice from Coronans. Much of her arch would bring to light that no, Saporia didn't just join Corona, Shampanere betrayed her people for power and Saporia was annexed and the repercussions of the conquest are still felt to that day.

Emilia in many ways was the flipside to Varian and they were also meant to represent Demanitus and Zhan Tiri. When they combined their talents, it led to amazing results but when they were fighting each other, it was like watching an unstoppable force vs an immovable object. They had the potential to go down the very same path Demanitus and Zhan Tiri went when they were partners.

The difference was they had friends, especially Hugo.

There were a lot of ideas I had. Such as Demanitus not being the true founder of the Library and how vital the Great Tree was to the rest of the world.

But that's a lot of Emilia's original background.

[gear-project]

Annon-Guy: What would your idea of a good Fighting Game Story Mode be structured? How would you go about it im designing it?

So far, I think BlazBlue, Injustice and Mortal Kombat (9, X, 11 and 1) have the best fighting game story modes while incorporating the gameplay into the narative in my honest opinion. Even Tekken 8 appeared to takes notes and than some and I haven't even played the game yet!

While Guilty Gear Xrd (SIGN, Revelator, Rev 2) and StrIVe had a good story and fantastic cinematic presentation, it sadly loses points for having no gameplay. It says something when Arc System posted StrIVe's story mode on YouTube for people to watch if they didn't want the game. While the older Guilty Gear story modes are old fashioned, they still provide a good story on top of you ACTUALLY playing the fights out, no matter how ridiculous it may seem at points (like Axl Low being unable to jump due to overeating Jam's food... 😂).

As much as people have beef with some games for "not being interactive enough", there's such a thing as being "too interactive".

Let's put it this way, in the original Guilty Gear XX, story mode itself was a MAZE... and if you took the wrong route, you'd fight a super hard unkillable boss if you weren't careful.

Take my word for it... Reload and Accent Core hold your hand compared to the original "unpatched" GGXX. And that's STORY Mode... it's not even Mission mode, which the game is even MORE notorious for!

QTEs, button mashing sequences, stuff like Asura's Wrath... in my humble opinion all that interactivity is a bit overkill.

If a player wants to relax and enjoy the story, let them relax... don't make them jump through flaming hoops if they don't want to.

OPTIONS. That's what it boils down to.

OPTIONS... GIVE THE PLAYER OPTIONS TO CHOOSE TO FIGHT OR SKIP OR SAVE SOMEWHERE.

Let them experience the game their own way.

Even with Mortal Kombat 11, you can create a custom A.I. to fight the towers and story missions for you and just sit back and relax for that whole ordeal.

It doesn't always have to be a huge button mashing fest or super boss challenge or some twisted guessing game with random negative status effects thrown at you like snowballs from hell.

A little balance goes a long way, whether you specialize in action games, fighting games, or just want to sit and read like it's a Visual Novel (or in my case and preference, a comic book).

Soul Calibur 6 created the ingenious Mercenary System for precisely this reason... Hire Mercs to fight your battles for you... it makes things easy, lets you negotiate tougher challenges a bit, until you get what you came for. For tougher fights, you can prepare equipment ahead of time and strategize like it's an RPG.

When telling a story, the more options that story has, the better the experience.

And even if you want multiple "routes" to open up player creativity or just to hide a few secrets, there's ways to do that in a very structured manner.

Final Fantasy XV has multiple endings for its DLC, and the game lets you approach those in a very simple manner, you can even revisit some points easily based on where you last saved your game.

For more dramatic encounters, make it an "optional boss fight" with incentives if the player overcomes the challenge. Not that hard a concept to work out.

Capcom had some of the best rewards for defeating bosses in the past with their games, and such a thing would be no exception in games like Tekken as well. Even Darkstalkers.

But, like I said, some of the BEST stories come from games that don't think it's a fighting game at all... Libra of Souls in Soul Calibur 6 is a mode I will never stop lauding the praises of.

As a concept it is the true successor of the original Edge Master Mode from Soul Blade/Soul Edge, the very first Project Soul game.

I just think more fighting games need to be treated like RPGs, and more RPGs need to be treated like fighting games.

[alexsfictionaddiction]

Review: Sad Girl Novel by Pip Finkemeyer

I don't know why I'm so drawn to covers that feature women who look like they're in some kind of emotional distress (there are a lot of them out there -have a quick Google!). Maybe I feel a kind of kinship with them and feel like they're calling me home! With a title like Sad Girl Novel, I had a good idea of what I'd find inside and I was really excited to see how many of my own feelings and opinions would be validated in this book.

Kim is an Australian living in Berlin but she is drifting through life while trying to finish her own sad girl novel. When she meets a hot, successful, American literary agent named Matthew, she finally feels that he may be able to help her finish and publish her novel and get her life together. Perhaps there might even be a chance of romance too.

Kim becomes obsessed with Matthew and overreacts to every interaction she has with him. I didn't predict the twist regarding this but I'm also not sure it was needed. I didn't really understand the reasons for it and would have liked that to have been explored a bit more. I did enjoy the easy, overdramatic humour that came along with Kim's romantic hopes because sadly, for some of us, that's a real coping strategy for dealing with something as emotionally intense as unrequited love.

The humour is dry and definitely isn't for everyone. I did see this book compared to Monica Heisey's Really Good Actually and while I can see the similarities (a millenial woman realises that life isn't what she'd thought it would be hides behind comedy in order to deal with it), I'd say that Heisey's novel is much funnier. However, comedy isn't something that you can please everyone with, so some readers will undoubtedly enjoy it more than I did.

Naturally, there is a lot of discussion about the regular things that come with being biologically female. Like most women, I could definitely relate to Kim in this. It also talked about the unpredictability of a menstrual cycle and the havoc it can wreak on hormones and emotions. I'm not sure if it talked about it in a way that I haven't read before but of course, it would have been strange to not touch on women's issues in a book like this.

Again, naturally, the book talks about issues that writers face. For Kim, this means keeping her focus and I know that this is something that most, if not all, writers deal with. Kim is also an overachiever and perfectionist with the reality being that she is spread too thin and that nothing is done well. This is really typical of many writers' mindsets, so no doubt several readers who also write will identify with this.

Kim has some really interesting opinions on fertility and getting pregnant and to be honest, they are quite thought-provoking. I hadn't considered that since sperm banks and artificial insemination has become more mainstream that women perhaps have more power over whether they have children or not. I just thought of it as great scientific advancement but it's true. Women no longer need men to have children and that's actually a great triumph for female autonomy and independence.

I really loved the friendship between Kim and her best friend Bel. Their conversations paralleled those that I've had with my girlfriends and their connection felt really authentic. That's perhaps why the 'twist' upset me so much. However, for the most part, Sad Girl Novel does a good job of depicting a loving, genuine female friendship and I have to give it credit for that.

Sad Girl Novel is a cynical, wry take on life as a young, aspiring but unpublished, female writer. There was also some reflection on how a foreigner experiences Berlin, which was another aspect to the book that many readers will find interesting. In general, I feel like the book was perhaps trying too hard to be hilarious and that didn't land for me. There was plenty to relate to as a millennial woman though, so I enjoyed it well enough.

[yanderefairyangel]

Reblogging to add some point if you don't mind. Anon, I don't know if you read this but originally, the death of the author is supposed to be a critical method of textual analysis that is focused around one of the 3 intentio of studying a media : the intentio operis, which is to say what the text says about itself. In other world, it's based on a textual reading in an intent to find what is it's true meaning. The real problem with that theory elaborated by Foucault and Barthes is that it may lead, as you point out to what is called the dictatorship of interpretation in which every interpretation is valid.

It's original goal was simply to cut it out with that obsession that literary studies had for the author's life since at the time, it was considered that the only way to know what a media truly meant was by studying the life of whoever wrote it/made it since literay critics were obssesed with trying to absolutely shoehorn X element of this author life into his work despite the lack of textual evidence backing this up, for example the Baudelaire expert that keeps giving a new identity to said woman in his poem "A une passante" completely missing the point that this poem was being as vague as possible about the identity of this woman for aesthetic and literay reason. When done seriously, however, this type of study of a text is actually a literal reading with several layers in which you don't try to deform what the text says but hold what the text says as it's true meaning, in that context someone that does use the death of the author like that can have the possiblity to present an interpretation to be invalidated, because a text will always bear a trace of its author's intentio in the final project in a way or another. Literary works can be easily misunderstood by us reader, so the idea of reading closely the text in an objective sight, without wondering what was the intent of the author can work because the text will necessarily reflects it in a way or another. Moreover, this concept was also in the same line as Proust begging to separate the artist from the men because they are 2 different personas of one individual and that artistic process being an intimate process, that is to say, taking place in private, and coming from the depth of their being cannot be known throught a study of their public character. So that didn't mean "we don't give credit to what the author says about their own work" but "the moment the author wrote down his text, the voice that we are seeking in his public character is dead, it's in the text, so we can find it based on the text alone" because ultimately, an author talking about his work would lead to him making his own commentary about it since he expect the reader to find what he will end up answering himself about his work.

A good example of this is Lolita. You actually never needed Nabokov to make a direct declaration that Humbert Humbert was unreliable because a close reading provide from falling into the trap of taking things at face value. He even had a prototype novel called The Enchanter that had a similar plot but told differently with a more objective point of view. I remember reading a detailed commentary focused on dissecting his writing using a special typing to illustrate the effect generated by the narration to help the reader observes that phenomenon on a brighter light, but I sadly forgot the title.

That's an actual concept that is precisely supposed to enfore the canon but seeing that fandom ended up leading it to the dictatorship of the reader actually doesn't surprise me... that's the problem with literary theories, they all have their good and their backwards, and for some reason people always ends up falling into the trap those theories tried to avoid as to not being considered flawed or not worth it. That and trying to apply it to a game that failed to convey it's story properly

Do you agree that anyone that uses death of the author as argument shouldn't be arguing about a text? Because according to them all interpretations are valid so why argue against other people's interpretations?

Mmh...

I guess it's part of the duality of fandom life - people want to talk about the game are very involved in it, but they also create fun headcanons to explore said game's lore/setting/characters.

So in way, participating in fandom and even writing fanfiction, or saying stupid things like "hc : Nabateans attach a great importance to golden trinkets" is, in a way, pushing your own interpretation over the game's.

But at one point, it depends on what you want to argue about.

Argue about headcanon? Uh... it's like arguing about what topping you prefer on your ice cream. It's your ice cream, your tastes, so you can prefer chocolate cookies or peanuts and it's, you know, not open to discussion as in "talking with you made me realise peanuts are was tastier than chocolate chip cookies".

I like to talk and discuss and see other people's headcanons because it's fun and when some of ours match we can nerd about pointless things like warm rocks or nabatean laying eggs, but you won't see me being an ass and tell them "uh your headcanon sucks, you should put blue cheese on your ice cream".

Now, arguing about canon?

FE16 (and Fe Fodlan in general) is a game where the devs forgot to hire a continuity game and thought letting the world "vague" would make it look "deeper and richer" than it is. 10k years of lore, after all. And we have at least 2 unreliable narrators, that are Lords so who are protagonists and usually should be believed... expect that the game shows us they're full of nonsense regarding various topics.

But, unlike headcanon, canon isn't subjective, it's the same game (well... depending on the audio, it's not) everyone played, some people were kind enough to create a website where every line (+ dub!) is available, so it's not a question of interpretation as much as going to read and check the datamine website and the hundreds of YT videos, were people recorded their PT.

Was Burnie surrounded by flames, effectively preventing her escape from her pyre, or not?

Does Cyril mention to Mercedes how he only ate every couple of days before coming to the monastery (so under House Goneril's good care and in the Almyran army) or not?

Those things can be easily checked, and there's no interpretation.

If you don't like canon, you can churn out headcanon and have fun developing them, maybe finding people who like them and expend them themselves!

But for various reasons (is it because fanfiction has a bad rep since the 2000s for being something, idk, teenage girls write? or because it's not seen as very serious (tm) as a redshit post?) some people in the Fodlan fandom don't really want to confess they don't like the canon, and prefer the headcanon/fanfiction version of the game portrayed through a certain fic that, in turn, influenced how canon is perceived by some devoted fans.

(and let's not forget the lolcalisation that, too, didn't like the base game and edited it for ~ reasons ~)

And imo, Death of the author, in those fandom circles, is a roundabout way to say "the canon is not conclusive so i interpret the situation as this, but it's totes not my headcanon nor a fanfiction bcs i'm no gross fangirl, it's still canon, but my interpretation of the canon"

Tldr : Arguing about headcanon is as pointless and fruitless as starting a shipwar, and in the 2020s apparently it's too shameful to confess liking/writing fanfictions, so instead you like and write "your own interpretations of canon or how it should be" instead, using various theories like "Death of the Author" to validate your creative process, bcs fanfics gross'n'bad'n'only for lonely teenager girls, i guess.

[lilyswrittenworks]

ᴛʀᴀɴꜱꜰᴏʀᴍᴇʀꜱ ᴘʀɪᴍᴇ || ꜱʜᴏʀᴛ ꜱᴛᴏʀʏ

Prompt: 

What if a Cyborg was thrown into a different universe where the Autobots reside, and when they do cross paths would they be friend or foe?

        Everything seemed fine, or so you thought. One moment you were helping out your comrades and the next thing you knew you had suddenly awoken out outdoors in the middle of the night. You stood up, dusting off the dirt from the sleeves of your black trench coat and inspected the new terrain. It was a dense forest, owls were hooting above the trees, and the sounds of wild wolves could be heard from afar.

You weren’t certain how you got there and attempted to contact the professor but was met with radio silence. Wasting no time as you began to wander the area in hopes of finding civilization. There, you stumbled upon a town, however, upon further inspection you noted that it had been abandoned for quite some time. Any hopes of finding any sort of communication in this particular area is meaningless.

When you were about to turn around to leave is when you heard heavy footsteps which caught your attention. You followed the sound and hid behind a tree, peeking your head out the corner to see a green robot organism running on the path of the railroad tracks to which lead to a rail tunnel. When the robot entered the tunnel that’s when you followed making sure to keep a low profile.

Halfway inside the dim tunnel is when you find a door where you approach it and twist the handle. Conveniently, it was open as you made your way inside the hidden facility. Along the way you had encountered a few men in suits and easily dispatched them with ease, without killing them of course. Upon arrival, you can see through the crack of the door that there were monitors displayed to your left and moved your gaze to see various suited men taking apart another robot, who was fully conscious. The sight caused you to build up the anger within you, it irked you at how these humans treated other lifeforms like guinea pigs.

One of the men in suits approached the door before you slammed it open with your feet sending the man hurtling towards the monitors. The sudden commotion caused everyone in the room to stop and turn towards you.

“A civilian? How did she infiltrate our base of operations?!” Yelled a man in annoyance.

Two suited men attempted to grab you, in return, you knocked them down with little effort. This caused the men to open fire at you and dodging every bullet that was fired and disarming them in the process. Then you jumped to avoid being grabbed and landed perfectly on the opposite side of the platform. You raised your head and realized that the man with a scar over the bridge of his nose had thrown a grenade towards you. Instantly, you raised your left arm and grab the grenade before crushing it within your grasp which caused it to explode.

The man chuckled. “Foolish girl.”

However, the victory was short-lived when the smoke had dissipated revealing your figure completely unscathed by the close ranged detonation.

 His dark eyes traveled down to your forearm and was taken back by what he was seeing. The sleeve of your trench coat had been torn off where it revealed your mechanical arm, its glistening dark blue hue with a skin-like silicone and metal plating cover both the exterior and interior of your limb. This newfound discovery about what you are certainly intrigued him and the malicious smirk said it all.  

Suddenly, there was a loud and continuous banging coming from further down the tunnel. The monitors were airing a live video feed and it showed the green robot making his way towards where you were.

“More crisp for the mill.” Muttered the man in displeasure as he fled with the rest of his men.

By the time you ripped your gaze away from the video feed, the man had disappeared from the scene along with his henchmen. 

There were heavy footsteps approaching and you simply watched as the green robot finally came into view, with his blaster out ready to aim on sight. Yet, he hadn’t really noticed your presence since his attention was purely directed towards the other unfortunate robot that was strapped on the table. 

“It must be your lucky day.” 

Then he proceeded to rip off the restraints and walk around the table to where his feet were and tears off the others. 

“What are you doing?” He inquired.

Perhaps they’re friends? You thought to yourself and continued to watch silently as the green robot offered his hand for him to take.

“Getting you outta here. Yeah, I don’t believe it either.”

She watched the exchange as they now stood beside each other. Then other robot, who was missing his right eye, turned to her.

“And you, human, thank you for… for saving my tailpipe earlier.” He muttered out through much hesitance, but was undoubtedly grateful for your assistance.

The green one turns to you in disbelief, finally taking notice of your presence. “What—wait, you saved him?!”

Suddenly the alarms blared out and both robots ran towards the exit with you trailing right behind them. Along the way, you encountered more soldiers, however, their focus were directed at the two robots. Since you were fairly hidden in the dark, wearing dark clothing and all. Either way, you made sure not to be seen by them. Once you were out in the open, the two robots were surrounded by green military vehicles, as well as, helicopters flying above them and were rapidly firing at them.

You on the other hand remained out of sight, not really wanting to partake in the event as you watched the scene unfold. Eventually they fled the scene for unknown reasons which left only the robots behind. The sound of jets soaring across the skies can be heard followed by the sounds of metal shifting in the air; five new robots had landed. The exchange was short and the green robot took on the enemies alone, including the one that he just rescued which he tossed around like a rag doll towards the others. 

“Come on, I’ll scrap all of you!” He yelled, summoning his mace on his left forearm preparing to take them all at once.

The adversaries didn’t get the chance to fire when another pair of robots entered the scene. You watched as the jets retreated, transforming and soaring high into the night sky whilst the other drove off from the scene. 

“Engaging the enemy on your own was even more foolish this time, Bulkhead. But I am honored that you saw fit to rescue your rival. You have truly risen above yourself.” The baritone voice said, which belonged to a red and blue robot, fairly taller than the rest.

“Did you see? I beat Breakdown and bashed him all with his own hammer! I won the rematch!”  The green robot, known as Bulkhead exclaimed enthusiastically.

“I’m sure Miko would be proud.” The two-wheeler said, with her arms folded in front of her chest.

You took this opportunity to approach them.

“Excuse me,”

Their heads turn towards you where stand right before them, although far enough so that your head wouldn’t cramp up from their tremendous height. You can faintly hear Bulkhead cursing under his breath, seemingly forgetting that you had existed.

“I apologize for my unannounced visit, but I seemed to have lost my way. Can you help me?” 

The other robots exchanged suspicious glances to one another. It was only natural for them to feel wary of you, in fact, this outcome didn't really surprise you. But this was the only logical way. They were the only ones that could help and no human could help in your predicament in fear of turning you in because of your uniqueness. 

“You allowed a human to see you?!” Whispered yelled the white and orange robot, looking furiously at Bulkhead.

Bulkhead averted his gaze elsewhere and was rubbing the side of his head. “Ratchet, if it weren’t for her, Breakdown would’ve been long gone before I got there.”

This earned a couple of gasps from the group, except for the taller robot,  who merely stared at you through curiosity.

You stepped forward, “Please, don’t hold him responsible. He did what was necessary. I should be the one to take blame.” You argued, motioning with your right hand towards yourself to secretly hid the exposed one.

Bulkhead was taken back from you defending him that it made his stagger from where he stood. No one has ever done that before except for his human charge. 

“What is it that you want in return?” The taller one gestures his hand towards you.

“All I ask for is for you to take me with you, maybe even allow me to seek shelter. If that is alright with the rest.” You glance over to the others who stared at you cautiously. Then the female robot stepped forward pointing an accusing finger at you.

“How do we know you’re not some sort of MECH agent?”

“Is that what they are called? Interesting… Then explain to me, how can I be speaking to you all instead of attacking you? Shouldn’t I have retreated with the rest of those MECH people?” 

No one seemed to catch your genuine reaction, it was made quite clear, however the only one that truly noticed the change in your tone was the to the red and blue robot. He quickly knew that you were telling the truth.

“Very well.”

The others didn’t argue further with his decision before contacting someone. 

Suddenly a green vortex appeared just behind them and proceeded to enter it. With that you followed behind as you entered the vortex, it left a pins and needle kind of sensation throughout your body. On the other side, you arrived inside a missile silo with platforms throughout and with monitors nearby. Staring down you can make out a strange insignia embedded in the middle of the room. Your mind wandered off until a young voice spoke.

“Bulkhead, you’re back! Did you beat Breakdown?” Based on her features and her accent. You concluded that she was of Japanese descent. 

While the girl spoke to Bulkhead, you proceeded to walk up the flight of stairs where you were met with the girl who was ecstatic in seeing you. Her nose nearly touching yours. She clearly didn’t understand what personal space was, that or she really didn’t care. You can feel the others' intense gaze on you, seeing that you're a stranger in their base. They had every right to be defensive when the girl was ogling you so closely.

“No way… another human! Sweet!” She exclaimed before bombarding you with questions. “Who are you — where are you from — how did you meet the bots?” 

The list went on until you decided to extend your left hand and then pressed your index finger against her lips.

“You’re an energetic one.” She pulls back as you lower your arm back to your side.

“Actually I consider myself an adrenaline junkie.” She points her thumb to her chest with a grin.

You went to say something but was interrupted by a new voice, an angry one too.

“What in the name of Sam hills is going on here?!”

You turned to see a tall man with dark skin as he pushed himself off the couch where he undoubtedly slept on judging by the wrinkles in his shirt. He narrowed his gaze at you for a while before moving his gaze towards the group of robots.

“Prime, you better have a good explanation why there’s another human here.” The man demanded at the red and blue robot, being displeased to see they had brought a newcomer into their base.

“Human? Is that what you think I am?” You noted with a raised brow towards the man, then your attention was focused on the group. Might as well reveal your true self before any assumptions were made.

“I can assure you,” 

Then you proceed to unwrap the belt from her trench coat and then peel off the coat, allowing it to fall on the floor. Underneath, you wore a black turtleneck crop top, long jeans and black combat boots. It’s true that you do resemble that of a human because of your features, however, from the collar bone below you had a body that was purely made out of silicone and metal. Strapped around your waist was a curved short sword tucked away on the right side of your waist. 

“That I am in no way shape or form considered human.”

Everyone stared at you with a mixture of awe and utter disbelief, however,  girl didn’t seemed bothered, in fact, she was thrilled! She takes your wrist and inspects your left forearm with interest where she then begins to trace your skin. It tickled at first but the feeling had adjusted to the foreign touch, noting that the girls fingertips were rough and calloused. Possibly from doing manual labor or something else entirely?

“Whoa, your skin is soft… freaky.” She mused as she continued to examine your arm.

“Miko,” The tone in Bulkhead’s voice was stern, it’s only natural for him to be protective of the human girl.

“It’s alright. I don’t mind being handled.” You assured him, by glancing over to him from the corner of your eye and then back at Miko. Once again being bombarded with quite a few amusing questions to say the least.

“Does your arm turn into a blaster just like the Autobots — what about a sword — whoa, so you do have a sword! And—”

You proceeded to interrupt her, “You ask far too many questions. But wouldn’t it be fitting if you let me explain first and ask questions later? I promise to answer them fully.” 

Miko couldn’t contain her smile as she furiously nods before stepping away from you, eagerly waiting for you to start. With that out of the way, you turned to face the group of robots and began to explain.

“As I stated before, I am not human. I’m a Cyborg, a being with both biological and artificial parts. In order to function as I am, the only part that’s human within me is my brain, nothing else.”

“My sudden arrival here was uncalled for and I have yet to find the main cause of it. I was unable to contact the professor leaving me no choice but to wander. Then I stumbled upon an abandoned town where I encountered your friend here. I knew that if I had any chance to contact anyone from home it would be with him, and this happily led me to all of you.”

“How come you weren't able to contact anyone? Aren’t you Cyborgs’ capable of communicating off-world?” The dark skinned man asked. 

You turned to meet his gaze, only showing a side view of your frame to him. “Yes, however, we still require a main communication hub to be able to do so. The equipment which I currently lack. All I ask for is to be allowed to take sanctuary here until I am able to communicate with the professor.”

His face hardened before crossing his arms in front of his chest. “Fine. But I have to talk to the boys back at the pentagon. They’re gonna have a hard time having you around, especially for what you are. Which means that they’ll have to debrief you to make sure you don’t cause any trouble.”

“Do what you must. I will graciously comply to whatever they ask.” 

The Prime stepped forward, where he stood right in front of you the only thing that separated them was the metal railing between them. You moved your gaze away from the man and towards the larger robot before you. His azure eyes studying you from head-to-toe, not in a suspicious way, it was more out of genuine curiosity.

He kindly introduced himself to you and then presented the others to you. As he then began to the entire story of their race even including their ongoing war with the Decepticons. Once he was done with his explanation, Miko had purposely nudged your shoulder to get your full attention.

“So, what’s your name, Cyborg girl?” 

Those brown eyes that showed so much curiosity that it reminded you of  yourself. The memories of when you were just as curious to explore and learn about the world that you were created in. That curiosity and excitement that was written across her eyes, Miko deeply represented your younger self. So it was no surprised that neither Miko or Optimus could’ve noticed a ghost of a smile appearing on your normally neutral features.

Perhaps being stationed on this planet for an extended period of time wouldn’t be so severe, as long as you had company. Maybe even make new friends along the wall as well.

 “Ariel.”

(2,882 Words)

[not-poignant]

I would LOVE to read the story about Anton and Flitmouse! I loved getting the glimpses into who Flitmouse is as a character in TGATNW and the promises of hurt/comfort. But you already write so much at such a consistently high quality (seriously, how do you sustain it??) that I completely understood no new updates. I remember being extremely pleasantly surprised when you went back to publishing SOTS (and how did that turn out! <3). It’s great to hear you’re still thinking about the story but

But I think most of your readers understand why not all stories can be continued! If it’s ever a novel - great! If it remains as an idea - too bad. Just wanted to say I’ve also never forgotten Flitmouse’s and Antony’s story but I know asking you about updates when you write like a million words every year is putting too much pressure! All your stories are gold, Pia <3

*

Thanks anon!

I'm glad you enjoy Anton and Flitmouse so much, they're lucky to have folks like you who enjoy them :D

There's definitely no harm in asking about updates, either. While it's true that I often have a lot of my writing 'budget' for the year planned out (i.e. where I'm going to spend my words, and how much I'm going to write for that thing) which doesn't leave me much spare room for other projects, the fact is sometimes I do kind of play hooky on all my main projects by writing something else. That's how Smoke in Autumn came about.

Even The Golden Age that Never Was went on a fairly big 8 month hiatus only a handful of chapters into the story. That was because I knew the story would be epic, and I knew I didn't have time to write something that epic. After enough time passed, I was able to come back to it.

Anton and Flitmouse are more complicated because I believe Flitmouse's story would make a good stand-alone novel. Business sense Pia is like 'this could actually contribute to your income, and help you live, and buy things that you need to live' and the rest of me is like 'it'd be nice to keep it in the Golden Age universe, and have cameos from some of the other characters.' And then I get stuck, lol.

(And then also yeah, metrics is a big part of it, as in - how many people engaged at the time? How many people expressed interest since? I wrote in another post that feedback and engagement drives why I write serials in the first place, All the Loose Threads just sadly didn't quite hit that level even at the height of folks reading it. It happens!)

[lowkeyorloki]

on the edge of my seat for tomorrow's asis update but random question: how did you come up with your fanfic author name?

YAYYYYY I'm so glad you're anticipating it hehe

I've actually only been lowkeyorloki for just over a year. When I made my tumblr blog almost five (!!!!!) years ago, I was thelokiimaginechronicles. The pseud I made for ao3 was lowkeyorloki, and then I ended up switching my tumblr url to match (I'm lucky I managed to nab it in both places).

For thelokiimaginechronicles, I came up with it because I could not think of anything else. All the good urls that sounded like Loki were taken. On top of that, I wanted something that communicated I was an x reader blog. So lil 17 year old me thought, "well, I write Loki imagines... I *chronicle* that" and my handle was born.

For lowkeyorloki, I wanted something shorter and I was in a rush to make a pseud on ao3 so I could start posting my fic She Shall Have (tumblr is NOT a good medium for multichapters). I was just wanting to get naming the pseud out of the way and asked myself what rhymes with Loki. The only word I could come up with was lowkey, and I was okay with that because of Low-Key Lyesmith from Neil Gaimon's BANGER of a novel American Gods. But I'm picky and I didn't want the url/pseud to be "lowkeyloki" because I think it looks ugly and also Loki is not low key. You can either be low key OR Loki but you cannot be both if you're staying true to his character. Anyway all those circumstances combined and lowkeyorloki is just an amalgamation of those events. I also (obviously) ended up changing my tumblr url to match so people could find me on both platforms (sadly I cannot do the same for tiktok or twitter :( )!

Are you looking to make a Loki-themed url? Try going for shades of colors. I have a star wars blog + pseud on ao3 called viridescent-din. Viridescent means becoming green, so it's a reference to the importance of baby Grogu in Din's life. I literally googled "fancy words for green." I did the same with gold for you, so here are some possible Loki urls:

halcyonloki OR halcyon-loki

auriferous-loki OR auriferousloki

lokis-gilt OR lokisgilt

aurous-loki OR aurousloki

foollokisgold OR fool-lokis-gold

I have no idea if these are taken or not though!

Coming up with an author name is hard, so if that's what you're doing, good luck! You just have to play around with concepts or loose connections. That, and you have to be lucky. If you find a name you like (or use one of these!!! omg i want to know), let me know so I can see it - and read your content!!!!

[supernovafeather]

I just fucking realized.

What made me read fanfics in English was my crush on David Tennant (then both of the 10th Doctor in Doctor Who and Alec Hardy in Broadchurch). That's what made me read fanfics in English, motivated me to open another tab and interrupt my reading to go to an online dictionary to translate some random and basic words to French. That's also what motivated me to listen more closely to English classes.

This is what made me write my first (private) fics on Altair of Assassin's Creed in French during High School when I should have been learning some important lessons. Maybe on Ezio too, I don't remember. What made me discover this amazing fic on Altair in English.

Discovering all this work made by fans and free gave me the idea and inspiration to make me want to write my novel. I started, I wrote the details of each chapters during English classes when they became too easy and boring for me. (I'm sorry to my teacher he was wonderful and it must have been disrespectful as fuck but I remember this NEED to write with this pen I just couldn't hold it back I needed it).

And my philosophy teacher during my last High school year who told us about sci-fi books and movies (Blade Runner, Fahrenheit, City by Clifford Simak, Hyperion, Soylent Green, 1984, Space 1999...)

Never published this book but shit it made me work of a project of a sci-fi video game with friends encountered on a French video game forum (dedicated to Tomb Raider but deleted by now sadly). A management/action sci-fi video game that of course never came to life (we were junior high-schoolers/High schoolers/young adults with no experience so it didn't lead to anywhere sadly).

Now I got an English degree, write fics in English without needing to write it in French first, want to publish my sci-fi book one day before my death, and if possible how hard I want to publish my sci-fi management game. I have so many dreams I didn't even realize were dreams.

I just realized all of this. Even so many failures make me tell myself at least I tried, and that one day I could make my dreams come true.

[brindaneer]

Finally, its time for some magic! Or may be we should say 'Jadoo'.

We remember hearing first about Koi Mil.Gaya when Mr. Rakesh Roshan announced it, possibly during the Zee Cine Awards ceremony of 2001 (the year when Hrithik swept up all awards for KNPH). By the time it released, a few years had passed which was natural considering the grandeur and scale of the film. Mr. Rakesh Roshan astutely conceived of a novel idea in the form of ET meeting Forrest Gump and gave us something Hindi cinema had never seen. Let us take a moment to deeply acknowledge this man, whose razor sharp mind not only engendered such a unique concept but also gave him the vision and stamina to actually turn it into reality.

Koi Mil Gaya was undoubtedly going to be one of the most ambitious projects Bollywood had seen till then, and the greatest challenge the Roshans had yet embarked upon. It would have been no trivial feat if they had managed to be even moderately successful in such a difficult venture. Instead, they broke box office records, and passed with flying colours.

The fact that Hrithik Roshan is one of those rare actors in bollywood who has a terrific following among kids is widely acknowledged at present. However, it was probably John Abraham, who first pointed it out, some time after Koi Mil Gaya. He said that a 'Superstar' was someone who could attract children, thereby pulling entire families into the theatre and in his opinion Hrithik was the only one like that in his generation. More than a decade later, his statement still holds true. And 'Koi Mil Gaya' was where it all actually began. Although KNPH had catapulted him into stardom literally overnight, KMG was the film that began endearing Hrithik to kids. This frenzy reached a peak after Kkrish but more on that later. Hrithik literally played a child in the movie, and he did it with such perfection that kids immediately considered him as their best friend. Last time the Indian audience had seen a similar performance was years ago when the wonderful Sri Devi ji (May she rest in peace) had played the role of Reshmi in the splendid 'Sadma'. Not surprisingly, critics compared Hrithik's performance in the film with hers, and every one of them unanimously agreed that both performances were flawless.

Hrithik changed his voice, his way of speaking, his looks and his body language so much that he actually looked like a little boy. He was optimally sweet, innocent, and annoying, just like you would expect a naughty child to be. Some of his best scenes were with the ever glorious Rekha ji who played his mother in the film. Rekha Ji has often claimed that if she ever had a son, he would be like Hrithik. Offscreen, they actually share a similar relationship and probably that fuelled their amazing mother-son chemistry on screen. The other fantastic partnership in the film was between Hrithik and Preity Zinta. Rohit and Nisha were one of the most unconventional couples of Bollywood. And also, one of the cutest! ☺☺

Nonetheless, the best pair in the film was undoubtedly Rohit and Jadoo. Hindi cinema has been responsible for presenting us with a number of iconic friendship duos over the years. Mohan-Ashok, Anand-Bhaskar, Somu-Vicky, Vijay-Sher Khan, Jai-Veeru, Vijay-Ravi, Kishan-Bishan, Ram and Rahim, Amar-Prem, Munna-Cirquit constitute quite an elite club and Rohit -Jadoo definitely made it to the list.

The kids who played Rohit's mates also deserve a mention here. Hrithik surely must have had a gala time while shooting scenes with them.

However, it was the script and direction that really binded the film together. We have often seen films fail dismally despite having a stellar cast, and the reason for such failure is almost always a lacklustre script or uninspiring direction. Fortunately, Koi Mil Gaya was perfect in both these departments, as a result of which Hrithik could literally soar above every other performer that year.

A few words need to be mentioned about the music of the film although it needs no introduction. The songs were a rage then; they are equally hummable now. Sadly, present bollywood rarely makes such melodious music anymore! The good old days...Ah! But let us not lament. Instead, why do we not just relive those moments for a while? Hrithik dancing in Rohit’s character remains one of the best bits of acting he has done in his life.

Coming to the scenes! Yes, the most exciting part 😉! It is really difficult to choose favourites from a film like Koi Mil Gaya. Even so, we decided to give it a shot. Lets start with the moment when Rohit discovered that he had not been promoted with his friends. Didn't the sudden disappointment on Rohit's previously excited face make you want to go and give him a cuddle? 🥺 Also, don't even try to tell us that you did not cry when the goons broke his scooter and later hit him with the basket ball leaving him battered and bruised or when he pleaded to Lord Krishna for more strength ('Thodi shakti mujhe de do Bhagwan) 😟🥺😭😭.

And what about the scene in which he was angry and upset about Nisha not being his 'girlfriend'? Hrithik and Rejha ji in intense emotional scenes are always a treat to watch. The scene where Jadoo met Rohit and Nisha for the first time and healed Rohit's scars with his touch after that iconic hand extension moment attracted silent awe from the audience in theatres then and remains goosebump- inducing even now. No discussion about Koi Mil Gaya can ever be complete without mentioning Rohit's splendid transition. We got the Greek God on screen for a few scenes in which he generated hysteria among the audience that had been viewing him as a son or younger brother for most part of the film. What an actor! The ending was bittersweet for many. After all, Rohit did revert back to his childish self as a price for saving Jadoo's life. But, Jadoo gave him his powers back! And thank God for that. How else would he go to Singapore and meet Dr. Siddhant Arya later in his life? Our Superhero Kkrish would not have a villain to kill in his debut film! My God, worse could have happened. Kkrish would have never become a superhero if Jadoo had not given Rohit his powers back! So well done Jadoo 🤗🤗

OMG! This blog has been running over pages! Excuse us for the length 😁. But one of us did watch KMG from the first row, all the while straining neck on the first day of its release. The other one watched it comfortably the first time ( tickets were prebooked, of course) but got a sore neck after watching it from the front row a second time, and also gave the same to the entire family. However, no one complained. So, now you know what this film means to us. Thank you for your love, encouragement and support. They keep us going. Adios Amigos till the next one 😉��

[dj-aka-rayne]

Ok so situations are going on that may seem unrelated to this posts topic, but in a roundabout way it led here.

The topic: Distance.

So ultimately it's come to my attention that it's a common belief that if you love someone or care about them... You will not leave them. You won't vanish, or disappear. You won't stop talking to them. Why would you ghost someone you love?

While in THEORY this is a novel idea, it is the furthest belief from the truth I've heard in a while. There are PLENTY of reasons to ghost someone you care about... Or even love. I may miss a couple of reasons, but here are the ones I've PERSONALLY dealt with.

1) You need space to work on yourself. This is especially true in people dealing with mental health issues, trauma, and/or addictions. When your own mind is assaulting you, you really just need space to evaluate your own life, well-being, choices, etc. You need to step away and heal, grow, and curve things into taking care of yourself.

2) The person/people you are stepping away from are in self-destruct mode. You love them, but you've tried repeatedly to help them make better decisions and they prefer the destructive path they're on. Sometimes you just CAN'T watch those you love ruin their lives.

3) Addiction. What if the "ghost" is an addict of some sort? Alcohol, drugs, shopping, gambling? No matter the addiction, you gravitate towards those with similar lifestyles and you DO build connections to them on an emotional level. So what happens when you decide to STOP? YOU choosing to be done does not mean they will. Sadly, the best way to succeed is to distance from those still in that lifestyle. I still have love for my friends, but it took a LONG TIME to reach the point I'm able to talk to friends still in the shit without risking falling back into it.

4) Abuse. I know I know, your first thought is probably one of those ads showing an angry man with a fist standing in front of a crying woman...

ALERT: IF YOU ARE GOING THROUGH DOMESTIC VIOLENCE PLEASE CALL THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE AT 800-799-7233 OR TEXT "Start" TO 88788

... but abuse comes in many forms. You can love someone who is abusive to you, or if you prefer the term "toxic." This does not mean you are obligated to stay and allow the mistreatment to continue.

So going into some personal details on each of these points.

1) In 2011 I went insane. They say "the crazy don't realize they're going crazy." I promise this is not always true. I knew. I could feel the icy fingers of insanity digging into my brain, I was hearing and seeing things that weren't there, I was begging any and all God's who ever existed to not let me wake up in the morning, I was bawling each morning I woke up because I was still alive. I almost did the unthinkable and irreversible. I have depression and anxiety as it is, but a super traumatic event had pushed me over the damn edge. I NEEDED to get away, to get someplace without constant reminders of my trauma. I also needed space from people. Some meant well.. but would say the wrong thing. Some people would say or ask something not knowing about the trauma. Some people who KNEW what I had gone through would INTENTIONALLY use that trauma to HURT ME FURTHER (some family AND "friends"), and some people didn't know what to say at all. That absence while they were geographically so close to me made me feel even more alienated. By putting distance between me and all the people previously mentioned, both geographically AND figuratively, I was finally able to heal a bit. I'll never be quite the same, and the emotional scars will linger for life, but they are now SCARS instead of bleeding wounds.

2) So many people I cared for were on super destructive paths. Yes, some due to drinking, some due to drugs, some due to neither of those. I tried helping but they wanted to continue their paths. The addicts kept using, the alcoholics kept drinking, not one but THREE people I cared about opting to cling to abusive partners, so many talented people full of potential opting to fade into obscurity. I could not stand to watch. It's as simple as that.

3) Yes, I have a past I'm less than proud of. I got into drinking and drugs. I can't even say I fully stopped everything all at once. Ironically the first thing to stop was the drinking. That was easy for me. I went to the bars on my 21st birthday and suddenly drinking was less fun to me. I went from drinking almost daily to a beer here and there or a party for special occasions. But there were still the drugs. I stopped the pills and harder drugs next, and this is where I had to withdraw from others I cared about. I still care about them. I celebrate those who also got clean, and continue hoping the rest do as well but I needed to get and stay clean. This meant I couldn't be around those who weren't. And in case you're wondering, I even gave up the weed AND drink even less now (MAYBE a drink a year, IF THAT). I have finally reached a point where I'm not afraid of a relapse just by being around people who use, but I won't risk my sobriety by being around WHILE IT HAPPENS.

4) ohhhhh boy this one is a doozy. Abuse, toxicity, etc. Without saying names or giving identifying information I'll say I experienced a lot of mistreatment as a kid within my family. It's not something that I've often talked about but now for several reasons I feel even less ALLOWED to, but it was there. Some of it was minor BS, some was medical neglect, a lot of emotional abuse, and a few instances of physical abuse. That's sadly all I can really say on this matter.

HOWEVER what I can discuss more freely is the way my "friends" treated me. I'm honestly an idiot for still caring about some of them but it is what it is.

So I've had "friends" flat out lie literally out of NOWHERE such as saying they had slept with me when I was still a virgin, or one "friend" telling my boyfriend I was cheating on him with said "friend" (thank goodness I WAS ABLE TO PROVE MY INNOCENCE IN THESE CASES)

I've had "friends" take a truth and over-exaturate until it became a lie.

I've had "friends" tell me it was my fault I got assaulted, or cheated on.

I've had "friends" cheat with my partners.

I've had "friends" accuse me of so many things I didn't do, and in some cases WOULDN'T do.

I've had "friends" talk shit behind my back.

I've had "friends" use me as an emotional punching bag, treating ME like shit to make themselves feel better when other things in their lives are going wrong (like one person I considered to be one of my best friends treating me like crap because his girl left him, and when I actually said something about it -which back then almost never happened- him telling me after what his ex did he was entitled to treat women however he wanted... Even though I was the only female around that he treated that way)

I've had "friends" accuse ME of someone else's doings (one example was going to an overnight party. Yes, I was the only female at the party. At some point after the party a condom was found. Idk if some of the bi men had fun at the party, or if the condom got there sometime before or after, but my "friends" WOULD NOT LISTEN TO ME when I told them that I did NOT sleep with _guy they accused me of sleeping with_ or ANYONE ELSE. I was still at that time a VIRGIN)

So many times I wished I had a hidden camera. Hell.. I STILL want them to be honest. That's one of the many things I look forward to about having a house, security cameras. I am so used to being accused of shit I DIDN'T do that I want cameras so I have videographic proof. I am already in the habit of saving voicemails, call logs, text messages, etc. I try to keep proof of my day to day life because between family, "friends," and ILs I'm paranoid of what I'm going to be accused of next.

Hell.. I even refuse to get rid of an old cellphone I no longer have service on because it's the last phone I tried calling someone from, so if anyone accused me of not even trying to reach out to a certain someone I have the PROOF in my call logs that I DID in fact try to call her. I sadly lost my other phones that I used to try to reach out over the last decade or so, but as I had found out she was saying I wouldn't talk to her I made damn sure to keep the last phone to prove that it was HER who had refused.

Think about this. I hoard evidence of my innocence. Even without necessarily knowing what I'll be accused of next, I keep what I can. WHY is this even necessary?! Why did the people I cared about and/or LOVED put me in this spot?

Now you might think I'm talking about a small number of REALLY bad friends but the truth? This was most of them. Not all, but a VERY large number.

When my husband met my friends... One of them tried talking shit about me TO MY HUSBAND. "Yeah I don't want to hear about your musical tastes. You married RAYNE." When my husband asked what his wife has to do with musical taste the "friend" responded "If you married Rayne, you don't have taste."

Later my husband asked me why I was friends with these people, and I started getting into what I adored about each one. And then he said something that made me freeze a moment before asking what he meant.... "But they treat you like shit". In response to "what do you mean" he started rattling more things that he had noticed in two hours, than I had noticed in YEARS. I had accepted it as normal, after all this has been normal for me since early childhood. And then he said something I hadn't heard before.. that I deserve better.

I didn't make my decision lightly. I honestly reflected on his observations, then realized he was right. What's worse was when reflection revealed the pattern I was stuck in.

It started in early childhood. A cousin broke a window and put the blame on me, everyone believed him. A cousin stole a donut and blamed me, I got to eat dishsoap for lying when I said who had really done it. A cousin was brought to a super fun place while I got left behind. A cousin stole a golfball from me I had found outside, and I got in trouble for tattling even though it was the only toy I had access to.

My "friends" at school all turning against me when one girl decided she didn't like me because I was annoying or weird (try autistic), my "friends" turning against me when a friend in the group molested me and how dare I say that about such a great guy, no apologies when that same guy molested another girl in our group but she had SO MUCH love and support. A friend going after almost every crush I had. A friend turning a crush into a joke by convincing me she was dating him, then laughing as she told him in front of me that I had a crush on him so she pretended she was dating him just to get to me.

By the time I had a new group of "friends" I was so used to the treatment that I was thrilled that it was mostly good in the beginning, but when I was wronged I stayed quiet. When I was accused of something I didn't do I would try to say I didn't do it, then give up. The less I stood up for myself, the more of a target I became. Eventually you had people who knew I was an easy target, then you had people who started doing the same WITHOUT REALIZING simply because it was "the norm". Eventually it was just.... Bad. And eventually it wears you down and while you know XYZ isn't true, you start to believe you did SOMETHING to deserve it.

And I did. I did do something to deserve it. I allowed it to happen.

That's why now I DON'T. Even people who didn't treat me like shit, I had to step away from because they were still so involved with the people who DID that I couldn't be around them if I wanted to avoid the others.

Now I am reaching out to people I care about, as further reflecting has shown me the pattern to avoid, now that I'm willing to speak up, now that I hoard information about my day-to-day activities so I can combat bullshit, etc. Now that I know EVEN MORE what made me an easy target. Sadly? Some of the people I'm reaching out to WERE the same people who weren't great friends to me because I still care. Some of the people are people I stepped away from to avoid their friends. But the ones who hurt me are going to need to realize I'm not the same girl who used to let them hurt her. It's going to be a learning curve for them to be sure.

Anyways yeah. I stepped away from people -friends AND FAMILY- who were toxic to my well-being, not because I stopped caring about THEM... but because the time had come for me to start caring about MYSELF.

[bibliophilebookreviews]

One, Two, Three

One, Two, Three by Laurie Frankel

Thanks to the publisher for providing me with this ARC on NetGalley.

Before knowing anything about this novel, the title grabbed my attention. Then I read the tagline: In a town where nothing ever changes, suddenly everything does... And I implore you now, before you even read the rest of this review, to run -- don't walk -- to your favorite book store (or your computer) and get this book!

Here's the spoiler-free premise: Triplets in a tiny town called Bourne, Mab, Monday, and Mirabel Mitchell have known about their mother Nora's participation in a class action lawsuit that's been going on literally their whole lives. Sadly, it often seems like Nora is the only one keeping the fight alive -- sadly because of the toll it's taking on Nora, and sadly because the whole town has been affected, including the kids born there. Mirabel, for example, is confined to a wheelchair and cannot speak. But, she's a genius. Monday has quite a few quirks herself, not the least of which is her devotion to yellow. Except when it rains and she is devoted to green. Mab is the "normal" one. (Though, what does "normal" mean anyway, and especially in Bourne?) Mab tutors at school, continues to visit her geriatric companion from community service, and is studying for the SAT with her best friend Petra. Everything goes exactly as it always does -- the sole bar, sole pizza shop, the town's sole doctor also being the sole minister -- and then someone new moves into town. Turns out, that someone is not exactly "new" and the townspeople (especially Nora) aren't too keen to have them back. But now, the triplets are involved and together, they will unravel a twenty-year-old mystery in the hopes of saving their town, and, most importantly, their future.

Now, I loved everything about this book -- everything! First, I love the format: successive chapters are narrated by Mab, then Monday, then Mirabel. Sometimes, they are narrating the same event or discovery from their own perspective, but often, they narrate pieces of the event that fit together. For example, Mab's piece may take place at or after school, Monday's at the library (which is in their house), and Mirabel's at work with Nora.

This brings me to the second thing I love which is the characters. (Monday is my favorite!) The triplets have this amazing connection, all together and between pairs of them, but they're so different. I'd also like to point out that Laurie Frankel does a great job of showcasing each girl's strength -- both in spite of and because of their differences. Monday, for example, is extremely literal (though, as she would tell you, literal has no scale; she's quite right) but that leads her to asking and searching for answers to very specific questions. There can be no ambiguity for her. (Did I say she's my favorite? I meant we're very nearly the same person.) I have to say though, that I thought Mirabel was, in some ways, underrated. Though she's respected and admired and known for being extremely smart, I think there's also this idea that she's inherently a good person. She is a good person, but she's also a teenager, and I think it's easy for the townspeople to forget that. And poor Mab, who seems to feel like she must always be the strongest leg of the tripod. While she's a decent student, you can tell it's mostly because she feels the pressure to be -- because she can: Monday has to take a class on facial expressions and Mirabel can't even come to school sometimes. What's Mab's excuse to not do well? That's got to be hard on her, to the point where she, too, can forget that she's also only sixteen.

The whole town is full of interesting people, as small towns are. I love the hilarious Pooh (the senior citizen Mab was supposed to be reading to as community service) and Mab's relationship with her; thoughtful, wise Pastor Jeff; professional and caring Nora; sad but hopeful Omar. I didn't care much for the Templetons by default but I appreciate Frankel for at least showing them as regular people too. (You'll have decide for yourself if they're "good" people, though.)

Third, I think Frankel did a fantastic job with this story, in regard to both plot and pacing. I was honestly shocked more than once, but I also smiled and laughed, and if I were the crying type, I would probably have cried some as well. I love the ideas that Frankel challenges in this story: what's normal? What's justice? What's fair? Who's responsible for righting wrongs, especially when everyone or no one is to blame?

For me, the ending of a story always weighs heavily in my rating. Throughout the book, I was so enthralled with the pieces of the story and trying to put them together myself. But suddenly, I found myself on the edge of my proverbial seat as the book approached the end. I was desperate to see who would win this time. In a fight that's been going on nearly twenty years, is there even a win to be had? And win or lose, what will life look like for Bourners? I won't say that Frankel wrote a cliffhanger ending because that's not exactly true; it's just a bit open. But I think she did a great job of giving us a glimpse into the town's future. Or -- in my Monday voice -- to be more accurate, a possible future because the future, by definition is never known so many things are possible and you cannot know which possibility will happen until it does.

I loved this book. I cannot imagine that anyone would not. I highly recommend, and if you can, get the audiobook as well.