#amayya

[dipsogg]

FI'm going to be getting my own place soon. I'm renting a room for a private homeowner & altho I'm excited I'm not as much as I should be. After all these months of being in a really difficult situation I'm finally getting my own place. My depression is getting out of control & altho I masquerade it so well sometimes I fool myself into thinking I'm ok but I'm not. I laugh, I talk to my coworkers at work (sometimes), I act like someone who isn't depressed. Its difficult to maintain & it would be easier to just not talk to anyone, withdraw into my mind & commit suicide but u can't. My BEST friends Amayya & Maddie (nickname Lioness) are the reason I'm trying not to attempt suicide. I love them both so much I didn't think I could love someone like that. We're both gonna get matching tattoos & honestly I cried when both of them said they would get one with me. That means so much to me I srsly cannot find the words to describe how much I love my best friends. They are more than my best friends, they're my family, my support, my everything & I would do anything for. In a few months I'll have a beautiful baby niece or nephew which is what I'm gonna call my best friends kid. I just don't want to lost them they're all I have. Both of them deal with the days when I'm so suicidal I can barely function, the days when I'm ok & things aren't too bad, & all the days in bt\wn. If it weren't for they love the give me & the endless support & encouragment they give I wouldn't be alive to be typing this. They are for all intents & purposes my family. Altho I've been struggling with severe depression for so long I'm honestly forgotten when I last felt ok. Like truly ok, as in content with my life & who I am. I hate pretty much everything about me & I don't see why my best friends love & care about me so much. I have no qaulities that are desirable for friendship or anything really. The amount of pure unabated hatred I have for myself is indescribable. I would love nothing more than to hang myself & be done with this life. Its more trouble than its worth. But I have a reason to live, for those I love & for my best friends baby (my niece\nephew). I just want to know when is it gonna be my turn to be happy, When is gonna be my turn to find someone, fall inlove, get married, move to Thailand 🇹🇭 & raise a family. When do I get to be happy? But that doesn't happen for me. For other ppl it does but it will never for me. I'm living for reasons not my own & its been like that ever since I was diagnosed with severe depression with sucidial tendencies at age 14. I'm 23 now. When my depression was out of control I would attempt suicidal at every single opportunity I got. That's how suicidal I've been feeling lately but my best friends keep my from attempting anything. They both check in on me almost everyday to make sure I haven't done anything to myself. I'm SO thankful for them both I couldn't imagine a day w\o them at my side. They're everything to me. In the many months we've known each other I have told them alot about me & vice versa. They both know pretty much everything about me like what my fave food is, what my aspirations are, what my worst fears are, etc. They know me almost as well as I know myself & I love that. Amayya & Maddie are the best thing to ever happen to me & I didn't think I would even love someone or care about anyone this much. Everything I am I hate with a burning passion & I don't think I'll ever love myself or be loved romantically by anyone. i'm just not that type of person someone falls inlove with.

[anavivevivri]

#mlm##vivrilife##mylife##nuevodia##amayya##viveyya#

[dipsogg]

Giving Thanks

So I've read thank saying the things you're thankful for helps with depression so I thought I'd try it. I'm thankful for my best friends Amayya & Lioness for always supporting me. I'm thankful for Sopie for being my therapist & cousoler. For being someone aside from my best friends I can rely on. I'm thankful for Abby & Parker as they're so eccentric & thier tweets make me laugh how sexual they are. I'm thankful for Elizabeth who is young but knows where she is headed in life. For my ex for teaching me what I will & will not tolerate & for showing me I deserve better. I'm thankful for my dad altho we're not close he is my dad & he does support me the best he can even if he doesn't understand why I do what I do. I'm thankful for all the support I'm receiving not only from those I love be also complete strangers in my journey to be vegan. Its difficult af b\c I love seafood so much but I know I can do it!. I'm especially thankful for my job that I love. It's the first time in my life where I can say I LOVE my job. Altho my coworkers do exclude me from some things they're not mean or snobby about anything. My bosses are amazing, the pay is really good too & its within walking distance. I'm thankful that I'm 23 & can buy beer at the local store & pop a cold one b\c no man should have to live w\o beer. That's all

[anavivevivri]

#lavidacoloroja#viveYya#amaYya#vivristyle#vivriworld#myworld#mybestversion#