#always thought i was a rebellious kid even though i was like. pathologically obedient
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going back in time to crouch down at eye level with my five year old self and tell him to kick and bite
#always thought i was a rebellious kid even though i was like. pathologically obedient#but sometimes I did things like ‘think disagreeing thoughts’ or ‘secretly say no in my head’ which obviously is the height of defiance#for awhile I was terrified my dad could read my mind. so there’s that too#and then I got to getting older and found out that I can’t say no out loud.#like in casual conversations I can but when somebody’s touching me or trying to fuck me I just can’t#to the point where it feels like a physical block. my throat closes up#actually this one guy I hooked up with was trying to get me to say ‘no��� and ‘stop’ and even though I knew he wanted me to I still couldn’t#anyways I try not to think about it too long. implications kind of sickening.#done oversharing now! going to bed and/or throwing up goodnight#del later
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