#always idk she fills me with energy and even just talking to her virtually i feel like i can take on the world so i am living rn fe

[kuromi-hoemie]

I've been hanging out with my manager so much lately !! i usually only talk to her virtually once a week, i am so energized.. i love her 😩

[im-just-a-random-fandom-girl]

Had a bad day (week, month, I don’t know how long this has been brewing) and can’t sleep and just need to rant. Trigger warnings for discussion of anxiety, depression, low-self esteem… idk.

I’ve been feeling anxious all day today and nothing seems to help. It’s probably a combination of classes starting soon, needing to actually start finding and applying to internship opportunities despite my crippling self-doubt, already missing my family… I feel like all my perceived progress in therapy was just the small stuff, and I have all these bigger issues and insecurities that I’ve been avoiding and desperately don’t want to talk about out loud but am going to have to soon.

I just feel scared. I feel like I don’t know anything. Logically, I know that I go to a great school and that means that I’m smart, and that I’ll have opportunities when I graduate. But I don’t believe it. I feel so desperately mediocre, the pinnacle of upper-middle class, white privilege. I am I really smart and make meaningful impacts? Or have I just been able to take advantage of the systemic injustices that are in my favor? I go to classes and absorb information to spit back into papers and exams, with no ability to practically apply any of the knowledge I retain. What am I actually going to do in the future? What job, what internship is going to want me to fill the role? If I get one, will I even be capable enough?

And beyond the professional and educational self doubt is the low self esteem and self consciousness about myself personally. I’m genuinely convinced I’m going to spend the rest of my life alone. What about me is special? I think I have some good qualities: supportive, loyal, caring, sometimes funny, passionate. I do think I’m a good friend. But I don’t feel like I’m good enough for anything beyond that. No one as ever showed any sort of attraction to me, neither romantically or physically. I know it’s important to not hinge your self-worth on other people, but I’m nearing twenty without having ever gone on a date, kissed someone, or even been aware of someone having a crush on me, even in primary school… and I’ve just sort of run out of energy to push the negative thoughts away (especially given that all of my friends have been in relationships). I’ve always been extremely self-conscious about my body, but it’s gotten to the point where it’s expanded beyond the physical to virtually everything about me. I feel like I’m not just physically unattractive, but mentally/personality-whatever-you-want-to-call-it-unattractive. That I’m not worth someone caring about me.

But I feel so stupid for feeling this way because I’m so fucking lucky. I have great parents, the financial means to get help, wonderful sisters, amazing friends, and I go to a great school with supportive professors… not a lot of people can say that. And I have the proof right all around me. I found out 3 days ago that my 14 year old cousin (who has a whole host of traumatic life experiences) attempted suicide 2 months ago. And I just spoke to one of my best friends who told me that she had a bad manic episode last semester that forced her to realize she needs to go on meds, thereby making her ineligible for ROTC, which means she gets her scholarship taken away and she has to figure out what to do. I don’t have the right to feel anxious and shitty with the life that I have. It’s not fair. It’s not fair.

[noheroes-allowed]

week 3:

day 15: worked on cti and it felt nice to get work done, pm meeting. I got jittery presenting even though it was literally to five people. I wish I could not be like that, played uke for like 2 hours bc it’s finally starting to be fun and is not as frustrating depending on how hard of a song I play but so many songs are just c am f and g chords so it’s not bad, ran into Cat on my run and we did an extra lap so I had to shower really quickly and eat in like 5 min, called keith. he didn’t call early by a minute this time so I called him, ft Cat after to groan lmao 

day 16: woke up really late. I really need to stop grabbing my phone first thing after I wake up bc I end up spending like an hour in bed procrastinating getting up and working out and doing work, didn’t work on my essay like I planned and played uke for 2 hours again, started a 1000 piece puzzle with my brother instead of working on my essay, worked on cti stuff instead of working on my essay, texting :), idk how to get my 5k time down. like in the beginning I’m scared to push myself bc I don't wanna die at the end but I feel like I’m being really complacent with my pace which isn’t helping, ate dinner really late, played piano instead of working on my essay, trying to work on 4520 hw but it’s really hard fuck. this class is what I was always most worried about but now it just seems impossible. maybe I’ll work on my essay lmao

day 17: it’s so hard to get out of bed, finally finished editing the first 1/3 of my essay and mailed it today. now I just gotta write like 25 more pages hopefully in the next week before everything picks up again oof, filled out the census, emailed my recruiter and hopefully my background check is ok, cannot find the motivation to do 4520, I wanna watch little america but also am really not finding enjoyment from entertainment forms recently. idk maybe it’ll get me out of my slump, my internship is officially not cancelled and it’s gonna be virtual!!! I’m just excited I don’t have to be applying for things again, jaja texted me about 4660 again and I still haven’t started it, ended up watching 4 eps of little america and I really liked the first two eps, also after my run I watched half an ep of married at first sight lmao. the people were so toxic

day 18: I need to get out of bed sooner, wrote 4 pages of my econ essay and wrote down notes for the next two writers. I’m finally making progress but I’m also so stupid. I should’ve started doing this literally last week and now I’m stressed bc I haven’t started 4520 and I idiotically deleted 4660 from my google calendar and didn’t realize the pset is due in a week. so I haven’t started that either, had a dream this morning that my offer got rescinded al;sdkfnasldka it was fucking scary but I woke up to an email saying everything is going the way it should be, haven’t played uke in 2 days bc I’ve been actually doing work and it makes me sad, worked on refactored for the past two hours jesus fuck. IBM emails really suck bc there is no uniform format and it makes me hate everything. keith save me, my mom is annoying me. I need to like schedule hours in my day where I can handle talking to her and tell her not to bother me unless it’s that time bc I literally have so much work I need to do. stop disturbing me and opening my door whenever you want. also she thinks my fucking neighbors will call the cops if I talk to someone and they see? what the actual fuck??????? my brain is melting again, keep eating way too much after my run. I need to figure out when I eat dinner bc if I eat before then I get side stitches but I can’t keep going on like this and reversing my workout progress, also I watched an ep of some food truck show on food network. it was fine I guess

day 19: yeah I got out of bed really late again and I couldn’t fit in my workout before noon, eagle day, everyone else interning in my department is a non-undergrad and I was surprised. also the guy was like you probably talked to two or three people when you were applying. which I did not. which just makes me feel like they think I’m someone else. like they gave the wrong person an offer. yikes, only finished 1.5 writers today instead of 3 like I intended bc I ended up playing uke after showering instead of finishing the rest of it, ft Cat and we talked about books and movies and hayden lmao

day 20: finished the mercantilists portion of my essay, idk today is mon and it’s been two days since sat and I literally do not remember what I did? fuck, got woken up by my neighbors lawnmowers at 9am but I refused to get out of bed until noon oops, wasn’t gonna run bc I started getting a weird cramp in my calf but then my call got rescheduled so I went running and it got worse sigh, watched portrait of a lady on fire. I liked it, watched the chinese ep of little america, watched little fires everywhere. the main character does not hide her disgust for other people and tbh that makes me really uncomfortable. and I know she has a haunted past and I won’t fully understand the intricacies of the race dynamics but I have difficulties sympathizing with her. also I don’t know if it’s residual hate from scandal or residual love for reese but I feel like I’m very biased watching this show, texted the crosbys bc they said they would answer everyone but then they said they couldn’t get to all of them bc they underestimated :( 

day 21: I literally took the day off lmao. I was gonna work on 4520 all day bc I’ve literally been procrastinating this assignment for the past like 14 days bc I know it’s gonna take some time and some brain energy but I just. kept putting it off and doing other work or not doing work at all. and then I literally just took the day off. and watched little fires everywhere and called and ft and took a walk to the reservoir. if he’s really a pat fitz then that freaks me out. he scares me more now and he’s out of my league so much socially :( I wonder how many people he talks to. I wonder if he says yes to our calls bc he’s ‘too nice’ to say no the way that he’s too nice to say no to girls who would ask him to go to dances and he got the reputation that he’d never say no, chatted with my mom about the state of things and groceries and tried to not get annoyed or lose my patience. taking a break from work made me calm down a little and be less agitated I think, hung out with my brother and watched cut videos with him