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delaber · 4 years ago

Note

Hahah it’s working now!!

How about ER nurse/doctor and Rafa?

Thank you ❤️

Title: Poetic Justice

Pairing: Rafael Casal x Reader

Note: Hey! Thanks for the ask! ER nurse x Rafa just for you!

Words: 2.7K

Warnings: mentions of drug use, blood, bar fight.

The fact that you were tired was an understatement. Night shifts were never fun but they especially weren't fun on July fourth. Working at a hospital on a stressful night like tonight was enough to turn every nurse's hair grey. The drunk idiots, the bar brawls, the 15-year-olds who for some reason thought they could hold their liquor, the firework injuries, you could go on.

Eager for a coffee break and a slice of the delicious apple pie that your mom had dropped by earlier, you hurried towards the break room in the other end of the hallway. Getting there in one piece was always tricky, and you knew from experience that if you didn't keep your gaze down low, one of the doctors would hijack you to come see a patient. So with your eyes fixated on your white tennis shoes against the linoleum flooring, you hurried past multiple doctors before your cover was blown.

"Hey!" You heard a doctor give out a loud whistle behind you, "hey; you in the blue scrubs!" He called. You froze in place and took a desperate look around in the hallway, praying that he hadn't referred to you, but you were the only nurse in sight.

With a sigh, you turned around and faced your least favourite doctor in the entire unit, "yes, dr. Helms?" you said politely although his face was even more smackable than usual.

"I forget your name," he said and pushed his horn-rimmed glasses further up his nose without allowing you to answer before he continued, "I have a patient in 302. Bar fight. Possible concussion. Could you see to him before he dismantles the entire emergency room?"

"I was actually just about to go on a break," you tried, your mind fixated on your mom's pie in the fridge.

"The hospital doesn't pay you to go on breaks," the doctor said sternly before he pushed the information clipboard in your hands and walked past you with an arrogant strut.

"Arrogant ass," you mumbled to yourself and looked over the patient information sheet. Helms hadn't even bothered to fill it out.

With a great sigh, you tried to shrug off how annoyed Dr. Helms always made you. And because you were a good nurse, you put on a smile before you entered room 302, ready to face the room-splitting-drunkass that Dr. Helms had been too arrogant to take care of himself.

When you opened the door to the room, you were surprised to see a man eating a can of yoghurt while quietly watching the price is right on the tv screen. The only thing out of the ordinary was the fact that his nose looked particularly swollen and that his face and t-shirt was soaked in blood.

"Hi," you sent him a warm smile, "I'll be your nurse for tonight."

The quiet man shuffled around on the bed and sat down his can of yoghurt, "hey. I hope it's okay I ate in here. I've been waiting for quite some time and I grew hungry," he chuckled slightly and finally looked up at you, "Oh! Hey!!" He said once more, this time with a bit more familiarity. A smirk crept up on his face.

You on the other hand had been frozen for a couple of seconds as you immediately had recognised his husky voice, "...Rafa?"

"Hey," he said once more, this time a bit more softly and with a small laugh as his broad signature grin spread on his lips. He was hard to recognise beneath all the blood but it was definitely him. "You changed hospital. How are you?" He asked you in a nasal voice as he let his eyes run all over your body as if he was scanning you.

"Better than you it seems," you nodded, finally free of your trance, and started filling out the patient information sheet with all of his personal information. You knew everything by heart after all. "What happened to you?" you asked without looking up from the clipboard.

"Eh, I got in a fight at this club downtown," he said cockily.

"Of course you did," you mumbled under your breath.

"-But you'd be happy to learn that it all started because I defended a young woman who was being groped by a creep," he looked oddly proud of himself.

"Don't care. I'm just here as your nurse," you said as you scribbled down his parents' phone number under emergency contacts.

"Yeah, you never did put up with my shit. Glad to see that nothing's changed," he tried joking with a small chuckle but winced in pain by his own movements, carefully touching his nose with his fingers.

"Looks like you could use some pain killers," you said, trying to keep it professional, "I just need to know if you're in any way intoxicated. Alcohol? Drugs?"

He looked at you with a hurt expression on his face but he didn't answer.

"I personally don't care if you're high as a kite right now, Rafa," you said softly, "I'm asking you as a professional. I need to know if you're on drugs or I might give you a dose of something that could end up killing you."

"Just alcohol. Whiskey and tequila - if that matters," he said quietly.

"No drugs?" You shot him an unimpressed look and for the first time since your encounter revealed that you definitely weren't feeling very professional on the inside, "that doesn't sound like you."

"No drugs," he repeated with a small nod.

"Alright then," you muttered under your breath and handed him a pill from a pink jar and a glass of water. You let him swallow it before you continued, "lean back so I can clean your face." You demanded.

Rafa leaned back on the bed, wheezing slightly, "I quitted you know."

"You quitted what?" you said as you wetted a cloth and draped it across his face, cleaning off the blood. You couldn't help yourself and applied just a bit more pressure to his wounded face than what you'd normally do with patients in his situation. He groaned in pain. Served him right.

"The drugs," he said, "I quit the drugs..."

"Good for you," you said, your voice emotionless.

"What, you don't believe me?"

You kept cleaning him off without answering him. His familiar scent was filling your nostrils and it annoyed you how soft it made you. How it reminded you of what had been between you and Rafa.

"Wow, you really don't believe me!" he tried again.

"I haven't seen you in three years. Why do you care if I believe you or not?"

"I quit because of you. The things you said resonated with me after you'd left. I tried telling you. Multiple times."

"If you're referring to the thousand messages you left me, I never listened to them."

Your statement made him clench his jaw tightly and he finally shut up. At least it made him easier to clean when he wasn't talking. It didn't take him long to emit a small whine, however, as you draped the wet cloth over a cut he had on his cheekbone.

"Would you stop smiling like that?" He chuckled slightly, "or is causing me pain turning you on?"

"I have to admit that I'm enjoying it just a little bit," you smiled and threw away the now completely red cloth.

"So you admit that you are happy to see me - even if it's just because I'm whining like a wounded animal in front of you," he smirked.

You looked at his perfect set of straight teeth and the familiar grin that was framing them. You weren't much for admitting it but there was definitely something intoxicating about being this close to him again. Looking at him grinning up at you, you were reminded of the fact that you hadn't left him because you'd fallen out of love with him. You'd left him because he had been ruinous and immature. You cleared your throat to bring your thoughts back on track. "Okay," you said in a professional tone, "you're gonna need an x-ray but with this type of bruising on your face I think it's safe to say that your nose is definitely broken."

"I got head-butted in the face. Of course I broke my nose," he grinned, "how does the rest of my face look? Am I still pretty?"

"You look like a boxer," you joked.

You earned yourself a small laugh from him followed by a series of painful moans as he had accidentally scrunched up his nose while laughing. He had always looked awfully cute when laughing - still did, even with his nose all crooked and swollen.

"You say you got head-butted?" You continued in your professional tone.

"Very much so," he groaned.

"Okay, let me just check your neck then," you said and put your fingertips on the tense muscles in his neck, desperately looking anywhere but eyes.

"Not that I'm not enjoying this, but what are you doing?" He asked quietly, looking up at you with a soft expression.

"Checking for whiplash," you said and touched the muscles where his spine met his skull. You could feel a shiver all the way down his body, as your fingers found the muscles running across the edge of his hairline. You should've remembered. He loved being touched there.

"Mmh," he said as he closed his eyes, "your fingers still feel good against my skin."

"Stop enjoying it so much," you chuckled and gently pressed in on his cervical spine, "you're having a medical procedure done. Not a massage."

"Wouldn't mind a massage," he groaned with his eyes closed, "I may be a little drunk, but this is quite amazing," he whispered as your fingers found his spine beneath his hairline. He emitted another groan and you hated the effect it had on you. It was almost sexual.

"No signs of whiplash," you said loudly and retracted your fingers from his hairline, pulling out a small flashlight from your pocket, "Sit up straight and follow the light please."

Rafa groaned as he repositioned himself on the bed. You moved the flashlight from side to side in front of him. "Oh man, you must really be enjoying bossing me around like this," he chuckled slightly, but followed the light obediently.

"Very much," you said and examined his eyeballs, "your pupils are dilated. How's your head feeling?" you were looking him straight in the eye. The green irises cutting through you.

"Dizzy," he smiled, "and I feel like throwing up."

"Then why are you smiling like that?" you arched an amused eyebrow at him.

It took him a few seconds to answer, "no reason..." he smirked, "I forgot."

"Okay. Definitely a concussion," you nodded with a small laugh and noted it on his information sheet, "you need to be under observation tonight."

"Okay? I need to stay here?"

"No, you can go home. You just need someone to wake you up every hour and ask you a simple question like your name or your date of birth or something of the sort. Is there anyone you could call? A girlfriend or something?" It was a loaded question and you mentally gave yourself a small smack for it.

"I guess I could ask Diggs," Rafa shrugged.

"Ah, yes. The love of your life," you sighed slightly, thinking about Rafa's vibrant best friend while pulling out needle and thread from a small tin.

"He misses you too, you know," Rafa said quietly, "the house was never really the same with you gone."

You thought about the house that the three of you had shared. You'd loved living there with your two best friends. You thought about Daveed too. Rafa had won him in the break-up. "You still live in the old house? Daveed too?"

"Yeah," Rafa nodded and sent you a somewhat hopeful smile, "we had a new kitchen installed. You should come see it."

You thought about it for a minute. Seeing the house and Daveed again would be great but it would be too painful, "no, Rafa..."

"Why not?" He looked at you with puppy eyes.

"I don't want to."

"Because of what I did?"

"Because of what you did. Now shut up. I need to stitch up the cut on your cheekbone," you said and put the needle in the skin right below his eye. He emitted a whimpering noise when the needle penetrated his skin and you felt the corners of your mouth turn upwards.

"Oh, you are so enjoying this," Rafa gave out a soft chuckle, "don't you normally give a local anesthetic for this?

"Not with such a swollen face," you gave him another stitch, "sorry, I'll stop enjoying your pain," you chuckled.

"No, don't. I've always liked this slightly sadistic side to you," he laughed.

"Shut up," you smiled at him as you put in the last stitch with just a small whimper escaping his lips. "Although I gotta say," you chuckled, "hearing you in pain like this is slightly therapeutic."

"Glad to be your personal punching bag," he mumbled with a small smile, his fingers brushing against your scrubs as you leaned over his body to cut the black thread.

You took a step back and examined his face where the bruising had spread considerably in the short amount of time you'd nursed him. An unwelcome voice in the back of your head stated that he looked good even with his swollen nose and the rainbow of colours in the area below his green eyes. You had to clear your throat to stop yourself from going down that road, "alright, mr Casal. You're ready to go to radiology. Just show them this slip," you handed him a piece of paper with his medical details on it.

"Alright," he sighed and stood up from the hospital bed, towering above you.

He gathered his denim jacket from a nearby chair, threw away the yoghurt can and looked at you, "Hey. I know you've probably spent the past three years hating me but do you want to have dinner with me soon?"

"I never hated you, Rafa," you sighed, "we just didn't work out."

"I'm better now. I'm clean."

"I'm very happy for you. You seem to be doing much better."

"I am," he nodded, "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too..."

"But no dinner?"

"No dinner," you shook your head.

"Alright..." he nodded sadly, "I've been waiting for the day I bumped into you again. Although I imagined it to be under different circumstances, I'm still glad that it finally happened. I know that I owe you an apology. When you're ready to hear it I'm ready to offer it."

"Goodnight, Rafa," you said and sent him a small smile.

"Goodnight, nugget," he said before he walked out of the emergency room and closed the door behind him.

Something about hearing him word your old nickname made time stand completely still.

Everything came rushing back to you; the long afternoons doing homework in his backyard, you and Diggs in matching graduation caps while Rafa was cheering for you even though he'd been kicked out months prior to graduation, the three of you moving into a rental house in L.A., pool parties in your backyard, your drunken kiss with Rafa at one of said parties, your drunken night with him too. Suddenly holding hands in secret on a daily basis, sneaking past Daveed's room at night. A while later kissing openly in front of friends and family. Rafa's first signing, the parties that followed, the drugs that followed too. The many times you'd found him passed out around the house from various substances, the night he was so far gone that you thought he would die. The long talk you'd had with him, and how he'd promised to stop. How you had truly believed him only to find him passed out after a party a week later.

If he was ready to apologise, you were ready to listen.

You made a quick decision and poked your head out in the hallway; "hey Rafa!" you called after him

He whipped around in an instant, "yes?"

"Are you hungry? I have a slice of apple pie in the fridge. My mom's."

His signature smile grew wide on his face, "I never could resist your mom's cooking."

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tableforfourblog · 6 years ago

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My Birth Plan vs. My Birth Story

I know they say your birth will never go as planned, but I was not expecting it to be so far off from what I had envisioned! I’m going to get quite detailed with this post, mainly because I want to be able to refer to this down the road, when my mommy brain has taken over and my recollection becomes blurry!

My Birth Plan

July 6, 2018

I scheduled this day as my last day of work to give me two weeks of relaxation (if you can call it that) before the baby came. I had already finished nesting about two weeks prior to this (in hindsight, perhaps my body was trying to tell me that this baby was coming early), so I didn’t have any real plans, other than enjoying the last of my alone time. Other than doing some café-hopping, I was happy to stay home and not have to waddle to/from work in the heat, which is amplified when you are pregnant.

July 20, 2018

This was my due date. On or around this date, I was planning on welcoming our baby into the world at the Toronto Birth Centre as my pregnancy was uncomplicated. To people who didn’t know about TBC, I had described it as a “birthing hotel”. Each of their three birthing rooms (we had chosen the Cedar room) was equipped with a birth pool and shower. Nitrous oxide, TENS machines, birth stools, suspended slings, birth balls as well as a variety of other options for comfort and pain management were available, and believe me when I say I was planing on trying all of them! Narcotics, epidural, and other interventions including medical induction and augmentation of labour, continuous electronic fetal monitoring, instrumental delivery (forceps and vacuum) and c-section are not available at the birth centre. I hadn’t decided if I was going to pull our baby out, if Andrew would pull her out, or if we would just leave it to our midwives, but I did know I wanted immediate skin-to-skin contact and wanted to delay the cutting of the umbilical cord until it stopped pulsating.

My Birth Story

June 26, 2018

At a routine visit, our backup midwife (who is amazing, but does not have the years of experience that our primary midwife has) felt the baby was in head-down position, but she wasn’t absolutely certain. She suggested getting an ultrasound just to confirm, which we were happy to do (any opportunity to see the baby)! At our previous visit, our primary midwife (who has 20+ years experience) was positive that the baby was head-down, so she was puzzled as to why our backup midwife ordered an ultrasound.

June 29, 2018

This set of ultrasounds was the beginning of a route we were not expecting to take. At our scheduled morning ultrasound, we learned that the baby was head-down, however, according to the sonographer, she wasn’t moving. I wasn’t too concerned as (a) I hadn’t noticed a decrease in fetal movement and (b) the sonographer didn’t seem to know what she was doing (I won’t call her out here, but if you want to know where not to go, holler at me). She asked us to return later in the day in hopes that the baby would be awake (she blamed me for the baby being asleep).

When we came back that afternoon, all the sonographer told us was that she got the images she needed, and she did not seem as concerned as she was that morning. Hours later, we received a call from our primary midwife who had just spoken to the sonographer. The sonographer told her that the baby wasn’t showing any breathing movement and her body growth was in a much lower percentile for her gestational age. Our primary midwife was not concerned as she also sensed that the sonographer did not know what she was talking about, however, because of what was written in the ultrasound report, we had to get another ultrasound to confirm. As it was Canada Day long weekend, we were unable to get another ultrasound until the following Tuesday, which meant three whole days of worrying about our baby.

July 3, 2018

After what seemed like an extra long weekend of sleeplessness and obsessing over each movement the baby made, we were finally able to get another ultrasound, this time at Women’s College Hospital. This sonographer confirmed there was breathing movement, which was a huge relief, however, her concern was the level of amniotic fluid, which had dropped to level 6. Anything at level 5 or below would mean I would have to be induced. Up until this point (aside from a car accident we had in May – we were rear-ended, and after being monitored at the hospital, it was confirmed that the baby was ok), my pregnancy had been going smoothly, so this news was very unexpected. My primary midwife suggested to stay hydrated and get another ultrasound in a few days. Another few days of worrying…and drinking all the water.

July 6, 2018

8:30 AM

I didn’t see it this way at the time because I was overcome with concern, but this ultrasound was potentially a game changer – we were either having our baby now, or she would get a couple more weeks to bake! Unfortunately our experience with this sonographer was similar to the one we had on June 29. She was visibly disturbed throughout the ultrasound and kept leaving to talk to the radiologist. When we were done, she advised us to wait in the waiting room for the results. Moments later, she rushes over to us, frantically tells us that we need to immediately go to Emergency at Mount Sinai Hospital, doesn’t give us any explanation as to what the emergency is, and runs to the back to speak further to the radiologist. First of all, to my knowledge, sonographers are not to discuss the ultrasound with their patients or deliver the results. Secondly, this woman clearly was not trained to deal with emergency situations, but seemed to be an expert in making worried expectant parents even more worried.

Thankfully, my midwife called a few minutes later to clarify that she had spoken to the radiologist and that I did need to go to Mount Sinai, but to Triage and not Emergency. My amniotic fluid level was now below level 5 and I was going to be induced. While on the phone with my midwife, the sonographer returned and apologized for losing her cool earlier.

11:30 AM

We arrived at the hospital and I was so happy to see our midwife, our source of care and comfort throughout our pregnancy. As we chatted about the ultrasound and next steps, she looked me in the eyes, smiled, embraced me and said “you are having your baby today!” I immediately started to tear up, I was so emotional, of course excited, but also so worried about the health of our baby. When you naturally transition from early labour to active labour, you kind of have time to get used to the idea that your baby will arrive soon. In my situation, it kinda went from 0 to 100!

Our midwife requested another ultrasound to confirm my amniotic fluid levels again. This second ultrasound indicated that my amniotic fluid was pretty much gone. Because it was an especially busy day at Mount Sinai, we were worried that we would get transferred to another hospital, where our midwife would not have privileges and the baby would be delivered by an OB we didn’t know. However, because I had no more fluid, it would be unsafe to transfer me, so we were allowed to stay, which was a huge relief for us as we really wanted our midwife with us.

5:30 PM

Once we were transferred from Triage to a labour room, I was induced first via foley bulb (see below) to encourage the cervix to dilate. The insertion of the foley bulb is supposed to be very painful, but thankfully I didn’t feel a thing.

A Foley catheter can also be used to ripen the cervix during induction of labor. When used for this purpose, the procedure is called extra-amniotic saline infusion. In this procedure, the balloon is inserted behind the cervical wall and inflated, such for example with 30 mL of saline. The remaining length of the catheter is pulled slightly taut and taped to the inside of the woman’s leg. The inflated balloon applies pressure to the cervix as the baby’s head would prior to labor, causing it to dilate. As the cervix dilates over time, the catheter is readjusted to again be slightly taut and re-taped to maintain pressure. When the cervix has dilated sufficiently, the catheter drops out.

7:45 PM

As the foley bulb was [very slowly] doing its thing, my midwife started me on pitocin (administered in 15-minute intervals) to get some contractions going. Unlike the foley bulb, the pitocin started working in no time…half an hour later and I felt my first contraction. Throughout my pregnancy, I was dying to know what a contraction felt like. Women often have trouble describing them, other than calling them the “worst pain you will ever feel”. I will say that although they are painful, I can think of other things that could cause more pain. I would describe them as extreme menstrual cramps. However (*spoiler alert*), I didn’t have to deal with the contractions as long as other women have, so it’s possible that i didn’t get to feel the contractions at their full worst-pain-you-will-ever-feel potential. I actually found it way more painful when my midwife (or the doctor) had to check my cervix to see how dilated it was.

For me, breathing through the contractions was the key to pain management. Andrew applying firm counter-pressure on my lower back was also very helpful. I also tried different positions, but it was difficult because I had to be hooked up to the monitor throughout the labour process. Any time I wanted to get out of bed, we had to disconnect and reconnect the monitors. I tried swaying on a birthing ball, which I didn’t find helpful, as well as standing with my upper body bent and bracing the [raised] bed. I would have loved to try standing in the shower and using water as a distraction from the pain, but that wasn’t an option due to the need to be constantly monitored.

July 7, 2018

1:15 AM

Almost 8 hours after it was inserted, my midwife was routinely checking on my foley bulb and was easily able to remove it (rather than it falling out). I had finally dilated to [only] 5 centimetres. This was progress, but not enough to start pushing.

2:30 AM

My midwife was assessing my cervix and she decided to break my water in hopes that my dilation would progress.

4:30 AM

I had been dealing with my contractions up to this point, but was pretty exhausted. I’m pretty sure Andrew and I were dozing off between contractions. My midwife posed a question that caught me off guard. After assuring me that I was doing a great job dealing with the contractions and applauding me for being so strong, she asked if I wanted an epidural. She figured that if I got the epidural, then I would be able to get some rest, and that would hopefully allow my cervix to further dilate, as it was still at 5 centimetres. It was a tough decision for me, but I fully trusted that my midwife, knowing my desire for a natural birth, wouldn’t have suggested an epidural without good reason, so I decided to go ahead with it. Looking back, I think she recommended the epidural because she knew I was going to end up having a (*spoiler alert*) c-section.

I’ve heard scary things about getting an epidural. Now, I was on the verge of passing out, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Mind you, I didn’t see the needle, which I’m told is massive. It was difficult to be able to sit still, bent over, while dealing with contractions to have the epidural administered…but once it started flowing, I did not feel a damn thing. Enough for me and Andrew to take a 3-hour recovery nap!

8:00 AM

As our primary midwife had been awake for 24 hours, it was now time for her to get rest. Our backup midwife showed up and was debriefed with the details of what transpired thus far. She specifically pointed out that overnight, the baby’s heart rate would sometimes drop while I was contracting, indicating that the baby was in stress. After a couple of hours, I had still not progressed from 5 centimetres. I think at this point I dozed off again as I was now officially placed on the c-section list, but had quite a few women in place ahead of me.

11:00 AM

Being monitored the entire time in labour, the sound of our baby’s heartbeat played constantly in the background. And being in labour, you are not really in a deep, restful sleep. Around this time, I was asleep but could hear that our baby’s heartrate was somewhat irregular. I was woken up by our backup midwife to try to change my position to see if it made a difference. This seemed to make it better, but a doctor came in to examine me just in case. He said I had now progressed to 8 centimeters and that we could potentially try a vaginal delivery, which was such a huge relief for me. Now this is where everything went from 0 to 100 (again). While Andrew was taking a bathroom break, the baby’s heart rate dropped again. A bunch of doctors rushed into the room, quickly assessed me and said the baby needed to come out now. One of doctors assured me, in a very sweet way, that everything was ok, so I must have looked worried even though I surprisingly felt calm (I knew I had to stay calm for the baby’s sake). I will never forget that doctor’s quick but meaningful reassurance, as I didn’t expect that type of heartfelt care in a hospital. And just like that, I was wheeled out of our room, Grey’s Anatomy style, all while Andrew was still in the washroom. There was a woman about to go into the OR ahead of me but she had to get back in line because my c-section was more urgent. As soon as I got into the OR, the baby’s heart rate had returned to normal, but I felt so bad for Andrew because he was not allowed in the room until everything was set up and he had no idea what was going on. Thankfully, our midwife was able to quickly update him on what was going on. It makes me sad to think about how extremely worried he was.

The doctors then started to choose a music playlist and I told them that I had no idea that’s what an OR was like! They explained that it was a good sign, and that because they had the luxury of choosing a playlist, it meant that our baby was ok. I was then strapped to the table with my arms out to the side (Jesus-on-the-cross style) and my epidural was topped up. From my neck to my toes, I could not feel a thing. Andrew was finally allowed in the room, dressed in a gown and cap. He sat by my side the entire time and didn’t look at what was happening, until the doctors urged him to get his phone out while they pulled our baby out of me. I could only see all of this via tv monitor. The epidural made everything pretty hazy (sleepy and soon after nauseous), but I just remember having a permasmile on my face once I saw her face and heard her cry. She was then immediately taken to be cleaned and have the umbilical cord cut, again something I could only see via the monitor. That smile remained on my face until we finally met face to face (unfortunately, I couldn’t hold her because I couldn’t feel or move anything but my face). At 12:22 PM, our beautiful daughter entered our world and changed it, in the very best way, forever.

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midwifemilktrails · 8 years ago

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Owning Your Birth: Prepare and Surrender

At the young age of 25-years-old, Justine always knew she wanted to give birth outside of the hospital. It was both her faith in God in trusting her body’s capability to give birth without intervention and watching “The Business of Being Born” that confirmed her desires of having a natural birth at a birth center. It was also this dual power of knowledge and spirituality that got her through the hardest part of her labor when she had to surrender and know that the only way out, is to push through it.

What interested you in having a natural birth?

Prior to pregnancy, when I thought about giving birth, I could not picture myself in a hospital bed hooked up to IVs and monitors. Hospitals stress me out and I did not want to be in one to deliver our baby. I was not sick or dying, I was just pregnant. Millions of women had done it naturally before me and I wanted to experience that as well.

What made you feel safe in having an out-of-hospital birth?

I felt safe because I knew I would not have to fight for what I wanted. I knew that being caught up in a hospital environment would make me anxious and affect my labor progress and thus introduce unwanted interventions.

I wanted my labor experience to be peaceful by surrounding myself with people I trusted. Knowing that Greg and I were free to make our own decisions without the pressure of hospital protocols made me feel safe and comfortable having a birth center birth.

How did your husband feel about having your first baby in a birth center?

I was pleasantly surprised when Greg had no hesitations about us delivering outside of a hospital. He said he knew how I felt about hospitals and just assumed it would not be in the picture. When I told him about Del Mar Birth Center, he was extremely trusting and comfortable with everything!

How was a childbirth education series beneficial for your labor and birth?

The most important thing we both took away from the birth classes was knowing the difference between active labor and "not labor yet" contractions. It wasn't the Hollywood "water brakes-rush to the hospital in a frenzy" scene. I knew I wanted to labor mostly at home so the classes informed us on what to look for in knowing when it’s time to go the to birth center.

It was very helpful for Greg specifically, to know what to expect and gave him confidence to know what to do to help me through labor as a partner. (He did an incredible job.)

We loved learning more about how amazing the body is and its inherent wisdom in knowing how to birth. We did a lot of research before, but having an environment like a birth class where you are surrounded by other expectant moms and partners to share and ask questions with was so encouraging.

Did you have any expectations about the birth process? Were those met?

I often wondered what it would be like and what I wanted to happen. But after reading and listening to countless birth stories, I realized a couple things.

Firstly, I had never given birth before, so even though others told me about their experiences and I read, I realized I would not know until I experience it myself. So I thought it would be more beneficial to relax and not stress myself out in having expectations or preconceived ideas about it.

Also, things don't always go according to plan. I knew it was important to have preferences but be ready for anything. My birth will be my birth, no matter what happens! Although I did expect that it would be painful and that I would most likely want to be in a hot tub (both of those expectations were met), I tried to stay as open as possible to whatever needed to happen.

Tell me about the birth of your daughter.

I was 3 days away from my due date when my labor started. I first noticed the contractions while I was out having lunch with my sister. They were about 10 minutes apart and a minute long. So, knowing this was still ‘not-labor-yet’ aka early labor, I ignored them for a while longer by going out shopping for a couple hours. When I was standing in line at Nordstrom Rack, the intensity of the surges grew stronger and I had to stop and breathe through them. We finished shopping and as we were saying goodbye I told her that the next time I see her, I will have a baby!

I made my way back home and kept busy around the house. The contractions started getting closer together and by the time Greg came home from work they were 5-7 minutes apart. We ate dinner and passed the time watching Netflix and using the yoga ball for different coping/opening techniques. Then we went to bed.

He fell asleep within a minute as he always does, and I knew I wouldn't wake him until it was time. I needed him well rested. I couldn't sleep through the contractions, because they were more intense but I did try and rest in between. I kept going back and forth between my bed and the toilet to find a comfortable position to labor in. They gradually started getting closer together and more intense throughout the evening and fast forward to 5 am, they were 3-4 minutes apart.

I woke Greg up and had him call the birth center to let them know what was going on and Shayna, the midwife on call, said she would meet us at the birth center in about an hour. So we took our time getting ready and made sure we had everything we needed.

When we arrived to the BC, Shayna had the hot tub prepped and some candles lit. The shift was about to change and another midwife, Sarah was coming in at 7. I had met with Sarah a few times for my prenatal check ups and felt extra comfortable and connected, so I was so thankful when she walked through the door!

Sarah checked my progress and told us that I was 4 cm and that our baby girl's head was a tad off center and not fully engaged. She suggested that I try and go home to progress some more. I didn't say anything out loud, but in my head I thought, "What?! Heck no! You're crazy!" I was so not willing to go back home. Sarah sensed my disappointment so she said we should take a walk around the block for a while to see if things changed.

In order to encourage my baby’s head to be better positioned, I stepped up and down along the curb. I did this for about 10-15 min before Greg asked if I wanted to walk around the block. At that time, there was a shift in my labor and my eyes glazed over. I could no longer just breathe through the contractions, I started vocalizing and moaning. Every 10 seconds I turned around, held on to Greg's neck and buried my face in his chest. Sarah came out to check on us and said, "Wow, you sound different!" We went back inside to check my cervical dilation and I now was 6 cm! I was so relieved that I didn't have to go back home (as that is the minimum dilation the birth center can admit one in labor). My body and baby knew exactly what I needed.

After that - things got intense. I alternated from the tub to the toilet because of all the pressure in my butt, I felt like I always had to poop. Sarah suggested I lay down in the bed for bit, as I think the tub slowed the frequency of contractions.

I laid on my side and the contractions were so intense that I really wanted to be back in the tub. After a few minutes, she helped me back into the tub and when I stood up, the bed was wet and I started leaking. It was only a small trickle, so we knew my water hadn't broken completely, but things were moving along.

I eased back into the tub. The warm water was much better to counter act some of the pressure. Greg sat outside the tub behind me on a yoga ball. He put his arms in the water and held me, while reassuring me what a great job I was doing. I remember turning over to all fours in the tub to change it up. I think I fell asleep in between one of the surges because my head had slipped into the water for a second and startled me.

I turned back over into a reclining position. The contractions were so intense. I remember the moaning turned to roaring with each surge. I was starting to get tired and was feeling very unsure and frightened by how intense things were getting. It wasn't good enough for me to just vocalize anymore, so I tried pushing with each contraction. It felt better to push which is how we knew it was time.

I pushed for a little over and hour, and I'm not going to lie, it was the worst hour of my life. I could feel my baby's head crowning and then go back in. I was afraid to go with the contractions and let my body do its work. I was afraid of tearing mostly, and I think I was fighting it. I started yelling "Ow! Ow! Ow!" every time her head moved down and closer to the outside. I'm sure I had crazy eyes. But Sarah knew just the right things to say to encourage and reassure me all was well and normal. She told me to feel my baby's head as she came out. I reached down and felt her. It was so strange and squishy feeling.

I wanted my baby out, but I needed to give in first and let go of fighting that feeling. So I gave into the urges and out her head came. That burned like crazy, but then the rest of her body slipped right out and she was in my arms at 12:55 pm. Relief swept over me. She started crying right away and immediately started sucking on her fingers.

After a minute, Sarah helped me get out of the tub and onto the bed to deliver the placenta. I didn't know this at the time, but I was losing a lot of blood. She was so calm and confident and didn't let on that there was any problem. She told me to just focus on my baby and that she needed to give me a shot of Pitocin to stop my bleeding. She proceeded with the uterine "massage" to help my uterus contract. This is the WORST name, by the way, for some one pushing on your stomach after you just gave birth. It was very unpleasant, but after what I just went through, I told myself to suck it up. She then told me I had a first degree tear on top and bottom but after she put in a few stitches, the bleeding stopped and the ordeal was all over.

Our sweet girl latched right away and feeding well. I didn't feel the rush of "love" hormones that I had heard some moms experience right after natural births. I felt more shock and relief than anything, but I was happy.

After a few hours, my family came into meet her while Greg and I rested in bed. We ate some food and kept hydrated to replenish fluids lost.

Showering was such a strange experience. I was looking down at my vacant, wrinkly belly and tried to take in all that had happened just a few hours before. I must have lost a lot more blood than I thought because I started passing out, thankfully the nurse was right there. She sat with me as I put my head between my knees. After regaining my strength and making sure I felt stable when standing upright, I got dressed, packed up and six hours after she was born, we were on our way home!

Our little family is doing well, and sweet Roosevelt Bea is growing like crazy and changing each and everyday! We were so thankful for our experience at the birth center and our hearts are full.

You were about to be sent home from the birth center before you felt something shift and contractions got stronger. What do you think contributed to the sudden progression into active labor? Mental? Positional?

I believe it was both! The walking up and down the curb helped her drop down and engage in my pelvis, but I felt determined not to go home. I just knew that going home did not feel right, and I felt like something would change very soon.

How would you describe early labor contractions compared to active labor ones?

Early labor felt like bad period cramps. They were painful and unpleasant, but I could tolerate them. Every 4-5 minutes I would close my eyes and take deep breaths and clench and un-clench my fists, and it got me through the contractions. I could talk through them and I felt like I was present. Active labor was ten times more intense for me, and it felt like I went into another realm.

What were some helpful coping techniques you utilized while in active labor?

What worked best for me was being vocal and being submerged in the warm water. I felt like an animal during active labor. The faster and stronger the contractions got, the louder I got. It was weird hearing myself, but it just came out! I also remember thinking affirmations to myself, like, "30,000 women are giving birth with me today; we were made for this; I can do this..."

What was the sensation of your baby descending in your pelvis?

The closest thing I can compare it to is a huge painful bowel movement. I definitely had flashbacks when I used the bathroom in the first week postpartum.

Did you have any fears about the birth process?

Although I was very fearful of tearing as I was in the middle of pushing her out, it was a short burst of panic that was over the minute she came out.

While I was pregnant, I didn't want to worry about all the what-ifs or bother with any horror stories because I was confident my body was created to do this. I familiarized myself with all the risks and different scenarios and then set them aside, and focused on visualizing a positive birth. I had a peace of mind throughout my pregnancy that only came from praying and trusting God to take care of us.

How was your husband helpful in keeping you calm and feeling safe?

We were not sure what I would be like or want in labor, so it was hard for him towards the end of the pregnancy feeling confident in knowing what to do. But when the time came, he was exactly what I needed. I didn't want to hear anyone talking or want anyone to touch me, so all those partner tips they teach you about counter pressure massage and the rebozo, etc. went out the window. He was just WITH me, holding space and encouraging me when I needed it. He would make sure I was staying hydrated and would give me sips of water, and tell me I was doing great. I could feel he believed in me and was proud of me, and spurred me on. This helped greatly!

What did you learn about yourself from the birth?

My body was created to do an amazing thing!

What would be your wise words to other moms preparing for a natural birth?

Trust your body!

Giving birth naturally may seem insanely daunting at first, but fear and negativity will hinder you emotionally, which can totally have a physical effect on the progression of labor.

It is helpful to research and know the risks, but don't dwell on them. Trust in what your body was made to do, and whatever does happen, own it! It's YOUR birth and it's amazing.

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