#although one thing i might genuinely do is not “study” art as much until uni is done with because my reptilian

[yellowistheraddest]

its 12am and im yet again planning how i will overturn my life into something better in an unrealistic amount of time

[myonmukyuu]

hot milk tea, thoughts and feelings

I’ve only mentioned it briefly, but I’ve said that I’ll be taking a break from my SetsuAyu series - mainly because of my uni workload though.

But for now, I have a lot of thoughts about the entire thing as a project as well as myself as an artist. So I figured that I’d write a reflection of sorts (warning: it gets kind of personal).

Can you believe it’s been 3-4 months since the series started? I can’t, and I’ve been the one drawing all of these!! If you’ve been reading my work, I’ll say it over and over but I really appreciate it!!! Like I’m dead serious!!! Completely!! Utterly!! Without a doubt!!! I love all of you!!!

When I posted that first comic, I didn’t think it’d get the positive reception that it did get. Like, I’ve been producing basically entirely Muse content for years and suddenly decided to tap into Nijigaku? You could argue that it didn’t get that much attention, but either way, the attention it did get surprised me. I was so happy that people were engaged (and it still makes me stupidly happy, like on a level where I’m almost embarrassed to admit HAHA)

Recently I’ve just uploaded the bonus for the 3rd update which wraps up that part, and it really just clicked - that I really have invested soooo much time into this series. 36 pages now! And we’re only 3/10 main updates in!! I have so much passion for this - like a fire that can’t be put out. Every single update has something that I want to communicate/show so I always feel fired up. Heck, if you’ve spoken to me during the process you’d catch me always saying “I’m excited for the next one!!!” while working on it LMAO. It’s been my longest string of non-stop work. Usually I feel burned out more quickly but I was always so excited that I couldn’t stop! You’d find that I’m usually in a  state of conflict bc I alwaaaays want to talk about it but at the same time I don’t want to spoil anything. (THE NEXT UPDATE JUICY)

I think it’s a clear reminder of why I draw actually. The answer between each artist always differs, but I think it’s something important to be aware of. And well, for me? I’ve realised I’m a passion-monster. Passion keeps my blood pumping 100%. As a result... you could say I might be a more selfish kind of artist. Maybe it’s burn-out from running all those ask-blogs/RP when I was like 13-16, but I’ve realised that I’m having the most fun drawing what I genuinely love. It’s kind of why you’d rarely see me do requests and why I no longer do commissions. That isn’t to say that I hate drawing for other people. It can be fulfilling! But it’s more like - I barely have the time to draw for myself, so drawing for others is kind of a lower priority in general. It’s also why I’ve decided against studying graphic design when I graduated highschool. It’s just not happening as a career.

When I ask myself, “what kind of artist do I want to be?” I always think “Somebody who marches to her own beat and works hard to make content that she loves.” It’s also why I never delete anything - even my oldest art that makes me cringe. Because the me from 5 years ago put her love into that too. It’s really cheesy sounding but that’s how I see it LMFAO. I couldn’t do that to her. And also, just because I don’t like something anymore, it doesn’t mean that no one else does. So I’ll continue to never delete my old work. As a bonus, we get to see how far I’ve come too~.

I feel a little vulnerable admitting something like this and I’m pretty sure I’ve only told like 4 humans, but I think my #1 goal as an artist is that I want people to be able to look at my work (that I actually put my heart into) and think “this person loves this” or “this person works hard”. If you can do that, and sincerely feel the feelings I put into my comic, then I’ve already reached my goal. Can people tell how much I love these characters? The series? The concept? Can people tell how much work I’ve been putting into these updates? Can people tell when I’m having fun? It’s something I think about a lot. The idea of that people might think so makes me tear up HAHA - I get really sappy thinking about these kinds of things. And well, if people can’t tell then I’m not working hard enough!

That isn’t to say that I’m always putting my life-blood into everything I make. I’m mainly referring to the stuff where I do. I think it’s pretty clear when I’m pumping a lot of love into something. In general though, there’s always an intention for me to like communicate some idea or feeling and doing something like that requires maybe a bit of love~.

I feel like that as a character, Setsuna really resonates with me a lot. In personality? Not at all LMFAOOOO (she’s such a nice girl!!). More because of her ideals and principles. After typing like everything that I did up until this point, I bet you can guess why. I’ll keep it short and simple though, since this post is getting stupidly long.

Basically, I really resonate with her drive and passion as both an artist, and just in general actually? I’m a believer in that if you’re passionate about something, you can spread that passion. That’s the mentality I have with my art. If my love shows, then maybe other people will understand why I’ve come to love something. And maybe they’ll come to love it too. If I’m having fun, maybe they will have fun too! Very cheesy, I know, but that’s just how I roll!!!

Like rare pair? New fandom? Still applies. It might take awhile, but eventually either the people who love that thing will find me, or I’ll help people come to love something new (or at least see where it’s coming from lolol)! 

And as Setsu says:

You tell ‘em girl !!! That devotion is my driving force!!

Of course I know this is idealistic, but I think that’s fine. It’s no bother to me if someone feels indifferent/ negative towards my work because that’s just natural.

I think it’s a form of communication and that’s what drives my art. I’ve been intending on writing a guide/ or talking about my art process for comics for some time now and I think that’d be the first thing I’d mention? I’m always trying to communicate some sort of feeling/tone/idea and that comes from a place of love y’know.

I feel like I’m saying “love” and “passion” a lot - you can really tell I’m vibing with Setsuna huh LMAO. There are other reasons I vibe with her too, but I won’t touch on that.

Coming back to my SetsuAyu series. You can tell why I’m so happy about it right? The story, the pairing dynamic, I feel like that people are understanding what I’m trying to communicate - that people are receiving my feelings of love for it and that makes me smile so widely. I really put a lot into it!!

This series is the first large project I’ve ever taken you see and I’m so so happy that I’ve been able to get this far! It really means a lot to me. But it wasn’t actually the first comic series I’ve tried to do. I actually had a Muse long-running comic planned years ago - a Dancing Stars on Me! AU but it never came to life. I think it was my lack of confidence that held me back. It might be weird of me to pat myself on the back, but I’m proud that I managed to get going this time!! I’ve actually written the SetsuAyu series in a way that for the first half, I could drop the series if I really wanted to at any point (each part is pretty independent, and that description I always copy-and-paste is all the explanation you really need), but now I know for sure that I don’t want to drop it! I wanna keep going!! Even if it gets tough. Although it might be a little early for me to make such bold declarations, I’m only 3/10 through LOOOL. But that’s just the way I feel right now!

I know it’s irrational and it’s something I’d rather not admit, but an anxiety that’s always looming over me is the idea that I’m not working hard enough - or that people think I’m not? Each comic update...takes like a month right? And a month is a long time. There’s this part of me that is convinced that people think I’m lazy for working so slowly. And I know it’s not true!! It doesn’t make sense for it to be!!! But like I said it’s irrational.

I’m really proud of this comic y’know. It’s a really big commitment and I’m proud of myself for being able to commit. I work full time 9-5, and I also am in my final year at university. I’m... kind of busy lol. So the huge factor in that month-long update turnaround is just that I don’t have the time to always be drawing. But I try to draw as much as I can! If you have me on discord you might notice me work on it for like 2-5 hours, almost daily before I go to bed (1am). Of course I’m not only drawing, but after I get everything plotted out sometimes that’s all I do. This comic is super time-consuming LMAO - and I try my best to work on it a little at a time.

So yeah, the entire month of comic-production is me drawing every almost every night.

Yeah it, - it’s kind of exhausting. Even though I’m itching to work on my next update, I’ve decided to take a break for uni crunch which is why I say the next one might be two months. It’s really odd though. The other night I was in bed feeling restless. It was so weird not drawing till 1am that I felt like I needed to be doing something. This comic series might have weird effects on my habits...

It makes me anxious thinking that it’d be so long till next update. But I’ll do my best to push that aside ! Hopefully I can get uni done and dusted ASAP! I want them to date dammit...

I've decided that I want to see this series through to the end. It’ll probably be May next year when that happens though LMAO! Please bear with my slow turnaround time. It’s only been 3 updates, but I can already see that I’m improving with each one. With each update I feel like I really learn from the previous and I always feel this sense of excitement with trying out new techniques and trying to create different feelings. I really want to see how the last updates will look compared to the first!  Technically we’re 3/10 (10 is an epilogue), but after 6 I actually stop doing bonuses? So teeechnically I’m like 40% of the way through~.

It might be a little over-ambitious, but I kind of want to print it out and make a hard-copy when I’m done. I’m not sure about what the demand would be if I were to sell it, but I definitely want to print it for myself first and foremost (after touching up the earlier updates of course LOL). It’d be like a physical representation of my achievement. I hope I can make it there.

Anyways, I’ve rambled for far too long. I’m not sure why I suddenly felt like talking about uh, everything but yeaaaah. If you’ve read this far, kudos to you! You now have a window into my soul that I’m still not sure if I’m comfortable with revealing (but I’m comfortable enough because I’m posting this so...)! 

After reading all of this, can you tell why I always get so so happy after each update? It’s the fruition of what’s usually 2-3 weeks of non-stop hard work! Seeing people connect with it always sends me to another realm of bliss and I always feel soft like putty LOL.

[lessonsinkindness-blog]

you know me better than that

I seem to be talking a lot with people lately about the concept of confidence. About what it means to be a “confident” person (if it means anything at all), and how interesting it is that we all source our sense of confidence from different parts of ourselves. Is a lack of confidence the same thing as low self-esteem or shyness? Is it really as simple as saying someone is a confident “person” – or not? I’ve also been thinking a lot about how confidence ebbs and flows given the context and how bizarre it can feel to be so completely self-assured in your life but so under confident in another.

When I think about my own journey with confidence, I’d start as far back as I can remember, when I was little. I have pretty strong memories of being what I’d describe as painfully shy from an early age. When I look back on being a child, I just remember feeling I was never truly “myself” around anyone. I always felt the need to filter myself, or found myself getting anxious about situations where I’d have to talk to strangers or just in fact people I didn’t see very often, even family. This may not be the way it really was from the outside, and I wonder if my Mum would have a different view on it. But I do seem to remember being a true introvert as a kid, and genuinely preferring my own company because I just didn’t know what to say to people without feeling stupid or embarrassed in some way. I remember always feeling a bit “oh really, do I have to?” when friends wanted to play a game. I just wanted to read a book in the corner. And yet somehow, I have always been someone with a lot of friends even at that young age.

Things seemed to be that way until at the very least mid-teens. I have a theory for why that might be. I think I’ve always been somewhat my mother’s daughter in that I’ve always struggled with shyness and confidence. Perhaps, who knows, it’s just part of my make-up. I also think some of it had to do with being “commented on” a lot. There was a bit of a running joke/jibe when I was little from my Dad that I “didn’t eat enough to keep a fly alive”. I also got lots of comments about being “skin and bone” because I had a very small appetite and I was probably also quite picky with food like a lot of kids at that age. It kind of became a bit of a….”thing”. Not devastating or a huge big deal in any means but there were times jokes about being anorexic were made and I just felt very analysed. And that’s the first time I remember feeling a sense of embarrassment about my body and the way I look/acted. It also didn’t help that many adults I knew then were extroverts and tended to point out through my early school years that I was shy when talking in conversation with others around me, as if I wasn’t there. I just remember finding it mortifying that not only was I shy, but that everyone else was picking up on it and putting it in the spotlight (yeah, general tip on that one: not the best idea if you want someone to come out of their shell). I don’t know quite how to explain it but I guess it boils down to just feeling awkward. And it’s a bit of an unconscious thought that my mind picks up from time to time, if it has space to think for too long.

As I moved into my early teens, I did naturally build a large circle of friends and although they aren’t the same friends, to this day I’ve maintained a busy social life with lots of individual friendships across quite a wide range of personality types. Some of my friends are the polar opposite to me in so many ways. I did all the things teenagers do – I had my slightly rebellious stage (I say rebellious but I was never horrible to anybody – I just got into smoking, and drinking a bit earlier than some and into a pretty awful first relationship for a 15-year-old) – but I always felt conspicuous. I used to dread parties because I was so embarrassed to dance in case anybody thought I was weird. My defence mechanism at the time, was to develop a weird, random sense of humour that I keep to this day (that I wouldn’t change by the way). That’s partly because I can’t stand people who take themselves too seriously and partly, I guess, that classic thing of trying to laugh at myself and make myself so ridiculous as possible so that I got the joke in first before other people. One of my first thoughts that I think when I meet someone for the first time is something along the lines of, “that person thinks I’m odd”. I wasn’t confident with boys at all and always felt very much the ugly duckling. The only thing I felt I had going for me was my kindness and sense of humour. I had academic achievement, but looking back, I don’t think I ever really appreciated that for what it was at the time.

Finally, university came around, and I really struggled with getting the confidence to be myself in such a new environment. I’ve always been pretty ­­independent and didn’t struggle with the living on my own part (in fact I quite liked it given that I’d never really had any of my own space in our small house growing up, and I was used to doing my own cooking etc). But the thought of being thrust into Fresher’s Week, and having to make conversation with people not only in classes but 5 other strangers in what would be my home for the next year, filled me with dread. I hadn’t developed those “networking” skills yet and although I always did fine making small talk and introducing myself to people (I remember pacing round my room for ages before finally building the courage to knock on a few flatmates’ doors to say hello), I hadn’t learnt to be myself or be relaxed upon meeting someone so I just clammed up. While everyone else was forming groups with their flats to go out drinking, I tagged along with a couple of people I’d come across in my first few days but mostly sat by myself staring at everyone else, wondering why it all seemed so easy to them.

Probably by this point in the blog, you’d be forgiven for thinking that I had some kind of severe social skills issue. I didn’t. I got by just fine – people liked me and warmed to me. I just didn’t know how to push myself out of my comfort zone and I always felt like I was treading water.

In the end, the same things that made uni such an eye-opening experience for me and gave me my first exposure to true diversity, were also the things that made it hard in the beginning. I found that somewhat stereotypically for a university in Surrey, I was pretty much surrounded by people who came from a different walk of life to me, mostly in the financial sense. Everyone seemed to come from well-off backgrounds (or at least in comparison to me) and I sensed that keenly in the types of things they talked about, what they got up to in their spare time, and the kind of money they had to do things together that my budget didn’t stretch to. Social class is still very much alive and kicking I think. It’s just dressed up in different ways. I certainly felt more conscious than I’d ever been of not coming from a privileged background where certain things were taken for granted, like students whose parents paid them an allowance so they didn’t have to have a job while studying, or who went skiing in the holidays, or had never really been exposed to worrying about money. Let’s be clear here, I’m not trying to make out I was some kind of street urchin kid from the Bronx(!) but I definitely couldn’t relate to their lifestyles and carefree approach and it just created a bit of a wall in my head. I could never imagine bringing some of these friends home to my small, messy, terraced house back in Essex.

Gradually though over the 4 years I was at uni, I made a strong circle of friends and I credit uni to a large degree with helping me to come out of my social shell. I suppose being part of the drinking culture didn’t hurt this at the time, and once I broke the ice with a few people in my class and flat, things came a lot easier and I had some amazing times with memories I’ll always look back on with happiness. It was amazing to meet such a broad range of people and it really helped me form the world views I have now. By the time I graduated I had not just heightened social confidence, but a sense of academic pride that I was too modest to tap into before. By the same token, I also had crippling anxiety in social situations like being on my own with someone I didn’t know well while my friend was off with some guy, or at house parties with loud in your face types who intimidated me. And that has never completely gone away.

Fast forwarding to now, I do a job that is all about public speaking, building relationships, and engagement. I couldn’t do that if I didn’t have good social skills, or crucially, some degree of confidence. I think it’s fair to say I’ve become a lot more extroverted and confident as a result of practice, practice, practice of the old “fake it til you make it” principle. I act like I am confident when I deliver a training (and I now am reasonably so as it’s so normalised to me) but yet I would still emphasise – I am confident on the surface about certain things only. I feel confident now that I’ve absolutely mastered the art of being as authentic as I am ever going to be around people. We all know it’s not possible to be 100% yourself with anyone as so many factors influence it, but the thing that really changed my outlook on life was when I stopped trying to be the person I thought others wanted me to be and instead was just myself. This is a huge relief and something I’ve had to learn over time with patience. I know now that I do far better socially if I just return to the anchor of my core personality strengths – empathy and warmness. I know I am a kind person, and that I have a natural desire to put people at ease (perhaps as a result of my own insecurities in social situations) and that seems to serve me well these days. It also means that my mind doesn’t have to race at a million miles an hour. It’s one less thing to think about.

I think my confidence has also improved because of the assertiveness I have had to learn the hard way over time in both my job and my personal life. I used to be very avoidant of any conflict and did a lot of bending over backwards to just be the person the other party wanted me to be or say what they wanted to hear. But it never did me any good. People continued to walk over me. That in turn led me to feel feeble and undervalued, and in turn that was the vibe I gave off – and so that’s how people treated me. I also think that one positive trait that has really helped me build confidence is the fact that despite being a very anxious person, I do seem to have an ability to push myself through the anxiety to do whatever the uncomfortable thing might be; a difficult conversation for example. Each time I’ve felt sick with nerves about something, but still pushed myself anyhow, I’ve been rewarded with an ever so incremental increase in internal self-assurance.

Sometimes this pushing myself hasn’t helped matters as I can be guilty of pushing too far. I used to always force myself to turn up to parties that were all the things I find anxiety provoking – interactions with people I don’t know (or don’t particularly like sometimes!), lots of drinking (I’m not a big drinker and never will be – I just don’t see the appeal and it ends up putting me on edge being around loads of drunk people), and a loss of control about when I can go home. The latter may make me sound like an awful person but it isn’t about laziness. I really do find parties really stressful events unless I happen to know everyone really well in which case I really enjoy them, particularly hosting (to the extent that I’ve even thought about going into event planning - how’s that for a contradiction?!) and it makes me feel more socially claustrophobic if it’s for hours on end. A few years ago, I decided to get more honest with people about that. A lot had gone on with my life in terms of my diagnosis and I just couldn’t be the same person any more. I couldn’t keep up the act that I was this “normal” woman in my 20s who wanted to go out and do “normal” things when I felt anything but. What was great is when I started being honest, people understood. Now I always go to events if I physically can, but I take assertive control over when I leave. This leaves to me feeling more relaxed and I can genuinely enjoy my time at the party and conversely, be more sociable.

My diagnosis was a seismic shift in my life, and with it had to come change. I was so refreshed when so many of my friends were supportive about me being honest about how my anxiety was affecting me, particularly in social situations, and how they didn’t put pressure on me but instead accepted me as I am as I’m a friend who makes a lot of effort on a one to one basis that perhaps they don’t get from their more extroverted friends. I’m the one who will typically instigate messages to see how my friends are, and travel long distances to see them, and I’m happy to. But I just decided life was too short to keep putting myself through all the turbulence to do other things I just was never going to feel confident in. Some people I got the distinct impression didn’t really “get it”. I think it was a bit alien to some of my friends in their 20s that I just wasn’t into that stuff and I don’t think (perhaps understandably) everyone really knew the depth of a confidence crisis I was facing. But that’s okay. I came to realise it wasn’t about learning to get back to drinking when socialising because it’s normal – it was actually the case that despite all the add on neuroses with my diagnosis, it actually just wasn’t ever my natural personality to enjoy that. And that’s fine.

I’m not long from turning 30 now and they say that this is the decade women report feeling most confident in. I can see that, I think. I used to have terrible body insecurity and still do to some extent. I believe your sense of confidence comes from the areas you receive external validation about and I have never really received that validation at least knowingly as being a “good looking”/”attractive” person. I’m lucky that now I have enough life experience to know that the concept of attractiveness is all subjective and very culturally biased blah blah blah. I get that really it’s all a bit meaningless to think that way and beauty is in the eye of the beholder! I’ve felt more confident in my skin since I’ve come to take this more mature outlook and stopped measuring myself by standards of attractiveness as that’s not my bag. I have lots and lots of body hang ups that stem from not feeling particularly feminine any more due to taking synthetic hormones and not being able to relate to a lot of the things other girls my age talk about like contraception, periods, fertility – to a certain extent, sex. It’s all a world away to me now as a lot of it has been either eradicated as part of my life or made more difficult and so I often feel a huge sense of loss, embarrassment and “lesser than” feelings about that. Which is why it’s been important to build up my confidence from other places. I am proud of what I have achieved academically and in my career so far, and one of the things I draw self-confidence from is a strong sense of personal integrity and kindness. I’ve found that’s carried me through a lot of situations I’ve needed to tolerate.

I don’t think there is any great lightbulb of self-awareness or confidence that comes on because you turn a certain age. I think though that gradually through life’s ups and down, personal confidence finds a nook to fill and that nook becomes a wider, more cherished part of your personality once recognised. I don’t think there’s any magic cure for this stuff. But one of the things I do feel passionately about is people being more open about their insecurities, however trivial, in the hopes that it helps someone else feel less alone with their irrationality.

So, on that note, I’m going to leave you with 5 of my completely irrational social anxieties that make NO sense but I can’t shake (if this is you too, I relate!):

-        I HATE being overheard making phone calls in front of other people in the office

-        I DREAD having to walk across the office to start a conversation with someone I don’t know very well, especially if it’s to ask them about a work project

-        I feel so SELF CONSCIOUS when people watch me eat

-        Whenever I go to meet friends, I feel the need to APOLOGISE if I’m not wearing make up

-        When someone makes EYE CONTACT with me for too long, I assume they’re judging me about something…

There you have it.