#although i feel happy about my decision theres still something about it stressing me out :/

[javic-piotr-thane]

oh interesting! i can’t read books at the moment so i havent read any of them. that makes a lot of sense ab leadership. i like my little hc that they made it more communist - ianto did behind the scenes stuff/correspondence w thr queen etc, tosh was coordinating from the hub, & then the other two also pitched in for other causes (nice and vague, well done me hahah). i actually wondered when i rewatched KKBB if they had spread out the leadership & then the writers were like ‘haha nope!’. ive read a lot of nice ianto takes over fics which is probably swaying me a bit lol

i actually dont mind broken! its a bit strange but i think it fits well enough. its more that i dislike that it (kind of) limits the options for fan-decisions on when they sleep together first. while lots of people are happy to wiggle canon about and create wonderful new things, lots more tend to stick w canon as is (or major points) and i think defining when they first sleep together gives it a bit more weight and impact (even belatedly) on the episodes (& fanworks). i mostly enjoy the plotline otherwise (although the sleeping together did catch me off guard the first time!)

thats true about fandom shaping it. i am still very much on the fringes - i think i follow you & perhaps one other tw blog - just because i find fandom a lot of stress and i’m in my early 30s so lots are younger - but i’m working my way through the available fic (well, mainly the ones on ao3 ik there are many on LJ that i am gonna have more trouble finding later lol) and that probably is shaping my view of characters. some more than others, i suppose. but i have been finding a lot of ooc representations (for me) which makes me think perhaps theres a fandom-intent on portraying them. i cant quite word this!

i’ll do a comparison - i consumed a lot of HP fanfiction, it was my main fandom for fics for a lot of years, and my first fic ever. and now i cant tell you for certain which portrayals are true to canon, and which are based in fanon. because i stopped engaging w canon (for many reasons including the most obvious) and now i’m left wondering - eg was that how neville was in the books or is that how fandom has shaped canon into their own desires and interpretations. and thats not to say thats a negative! because i think fanon is incredible. but i do wonder when i read a fic without that background, without the decade of engaging in fanfic as it shifted, if i am reading it as OOC when it’s actually in character for the fanon version of the character.

i hope that makes sense, i have a lot of trouble with coherence lol

you're making sense!! this is a problem ("problem") for many fans i think, which is why engaging with the source material (when possible/comfortable, obviously, i know which situation you're referring to) can be important if you really want to keep your interpretations close to canon. (you might not want that, or not care, at least in particular instances; something something Sherlock actually makes 100% of the tea on the show with his name and not John.)

as for fic that feels OOC to you; if you don't like it, i recommend you learn to spot it early and avoid it. simple as that. god knows i went through that phase in my early time in this fandom XD you have to read a bunch to figure out what you like and don't like in the first place, i think, but after a while it tarries out and might only shift slightly afterwards - and you know what to avoid and what to seek out.

[usergf]

-

[machinegunbun]

🤘-

What about reader is the manager/assistant and fucks up some bug career opportunity for them?

Mistakes can allways happen but that was something really big

Maybe even gets fired for it?

Fucked It +

TW?: Mostly angst but theres some very slight smut with readers S/O

A/N: Not to age the writing but Im writing this as colson tweets that he’s gonna play at the halftime show in the next few years. S/O= Significant Other. I wanted to keep it kinda gender neutral cause bi people exist i dunno. 

Word count:1.8k A little longer than a blurb, but just as dialogue-y

This year had been stressful, to say the least. There was the release of tickets to my downfall, and along with that the cover scandal, the bloody valentine music video, downfalls high, the snl episode. It was like every second of your day was filled with something, you rarely got the chance to spend time with your S/O.

That’s right, you had an S/O. Being Colson’s manager wasn’t your entire existence, although you’d seemed to have forgotten that recently. Their name is Devin, and they are not very happy with you.

They’d broken down in tears your first full night home, telling you how under appreciated they had felt while you were away. Devin had a life of their own too, though, and considering the pandemic at hand had chosen to go stay with their family to avoid the covid hot spot that was LA. You understood, and as much as you hated to admit it you barely even realized they were gone. You didn’t know what that meant, but you knew whatever it meant wasn’t anything good for your relationship, but, you loved them and you wanted to recreate that spark.

You wanted to put work into them, and you, and most importantly your relationship. You’d gotten through the emotions, but as for the spark there was only so much you could do thousands of miles away. So, you decided to put in the work and devise a plan. Your plan started about an hour and a half ago, beginning with a shower and ending with your favorite lipstick.

You love Devin and you want nothing more than to wrap them up in a soft blanket and kiss them on the forehead and take them on picnics, but you also wanted them to look at you and touch themselves. You could do one of those things in your current situation, and you felt both would help to replenish your spark.

You looked good too, dressed in your lingerie with your hair all done. You felt so unbelievably sexy just looking at yourself in the mirror, you wished they were here to witness it.

You stood in the doorway of your bedroom, your LED lights set to red, your phone set to start recording in 

3…

2…

1…

You tried your best to pose sexily in the small frame, arching your back and playing with your hair, slowly slinking down the wall. You were sure when you sent this Devin would be calling you within seconds. You checked the video, editing it to the length you liked and saving it to your camera roll.

Butterflies began fluttering in your stomach as you looked at your message app. You had seen Devin in so long, what if the spark had really gone? What if they didn’t want you anymore? Or what if they just didn’t want you right now, what if this wasn’t the right thing to do?

You took a deep breath, looking yourself in the mirror and quickly clicking through your messages, sending it before you could think too much and clicking your phone off. You moved from the bathroom, moving to your bed, staring at your phone and waiting patiently for a response.

After thirty minutes you gave up, too nervous to check if they’d seen it. You were cool.

Well, you were cool now that you had cried and and picked yourself apart piece by piece, ending up on the couch in a heap of blankets eating a family bag of your favorite chips to yourself. Family guy played on the TV, the episode only really meant to drain out the noise of your thoughts, and momentarily the bling of your phone. You would’ve missed it entirely if it weren’t for the flickering of your flashlight that you’d enabled to make sure you didn’t.

You rushed from your comfy blanket fort, spilling your chips on the way, your hand wrapping tightly around your phone. You turned it around, seeing that the notification that had popped up was only from Dylan, the guy that got Colson a place at the halftime show. 

Work, great, the thing that started this all. Was this the universe telling you it was over? You read on.

It simply said “Call me.”

Your eyebrow raised, considering waiting until tomorrow. You opened your messages, seeing that you had accidentally sent him the video of you in your lingerie. Fuck, thats why Devin hadn’t responded.

You opened his contact, calling him quickly, each ring feeling like needles being inserted into your brain.

“So I hope you understand why we wouldn’t want to be associated with that unprofessionalism.” He said, you’d zoned out through his lecture

“I understand, I do, but I hope you’d be willing to reconsider as this was a mistake on my part and not Colson’s. And seeing as this isn’t public I hope we can just brush this all under the rug and forget it ever-”

“I hear you, but I don’t think that will be possible. Mistake or not it was unprofessional on so many different levels

“But, sir-” You tried, your fingers thumbing over the buttons of the remote to mute the tv.

“It’s over, I’m afraid.” He responded, a beeping noise signalling the call had ended

Oh, nicer, you thought sarcastically, it wasn’t the universe after all, it was the manager.

Tossing your phone on the couch beside you, you retreated to your blanket fort, unmuting the TV.

Colson and the boys had been looking forward to performing at the halftime show since you’d met them. They’d been so excited when you told them you’d got them a spot. Although it was the last thing you wanted to do right now, you knew you had to break the news to Colson. 

You stared at your phone, willing yourself to reach over and call him, eventually drifting off into an unsatisfying sleep.

“Oh good, you’re here! Okay, so I was thinking for the halftime show-” Colson began, but you cut him off before he could continue

“Oh, yeah, about that.” You say, rubbing your head in hopes it would soothe the dull ache that had begun to rear its ugly head. You opened your eyes in time to watch the excitement drop from Colson’s face.

“I…” You began, not sure how to start “I fucked it.” You began to laugh, taking a moment to acknowledge how ridiculous the situation had really been.

“What do you mean?” He asks, knitting his eyebrows together in confusion.

“Devin and I are going through a bit of a rough patch with them being away and all, so I decided to try and,” You made a vague shimmy movement with your shoulders “spark things up a bit. You know the silhouette challenge on tik tok? I did that, but I got nervous when I sent the video and I was on the couch for like hours crying too scared to see if they even looked at it, next thing I know I’m getting texted by Dylan asking me to call him.” You paused, partly for dramatic effect and partly to let yourself laugh. You buried your face in your hands, Colson watching in amusement, eager for the end of your clearly hilarious story.

“I accidentally sent him my nudes. It was so fucking embarassing, oh my god!” You finish, looking up from your hands to realize no one else seemed amused.

“What’s that got to do with the halftime show?” Rook questioned.

“Oh, right.” You’d completely lost track in the midst of your rambling “He said it was completely unprofessional and he wasn’t interested in working with us.”

Colson remained silent for a moment, looking over to the other boys before responding “He isn’t interested in working with you.” Your eyebrows furrowed at this, looking between the boys..

“What’s that mean?” 

“This is the gig of our lifetime. I’ve- We’ve wanted to play the halftime show since… forever. This was our one chance and because of you we got booted out. And you were laughing about it.”

“I’m sorry, it was a genuine accident, I thought you’d find it funny. Some corporate guy saw my tits ‘cause my relationship is failing, if I don’t laugh I cry.”

 “You’re the one who sent him the nudes. This is your fuck up.”

“Yeah, okay. But I work for you, so by association he won’t work with us.”

“Then you aren’t a part of ‘us’ anymore.”

“Colson, seriously? It was a fucking accident. You’re being ridiculous.”

“Watch your tone, I think you’re forgetting you work for me. I’m a nice guy, but this isn’t my shit to deal with.”

“I’m sorry.” You repeated, your voice lowering. It was easy to forget Colson was your boss, he never treated you like an employee. There was more respect between the two of you than any boss/employee relationship you’d ever seen before. You’d never even seen him mad before today. You were genuinely lucky to have had this experience, to think that it was about to come to an end broke your heart.

“Is sorry going to get us this gig back?” The question was rhetorical, but you shook your head “Then I’m sorry, I can’t let this pass me up because of something you did.” Colson says, staring you down. You stood like a statue in your place, unsure whether or not you should leave. The tension in the air could be cut with a knife.

You took it upon yourself to make the decision to turn and leave, driving to the nearest gas station, where you sat in your car, crying in the parking lot.

Everything was fine and in the matter of a week it had all gone to shit. How did this happen?

You were in a happy relationship, and now they were living with their parents for who knows why and telling you they felt neglected. Your career was going amazing and you’d ruined it completely with one mistext.

You started your car back up, settling on the hope that maybe Colson and Dylan would come to their senses, and come Monday morning you would still have a job.

[moon-goddess-posts]

Hiii could I request a genshin match-up if thats okay?:3 I'm a female INFJ-T and a Sagittarius. I have long brown-ish black-ish hair and dark brown eyes. I also wear glasses which I tend to lose often.

I think I'm a creative, smart, patient and hardworking person. I'm an overachiever in a lot of things in life. I have hobbies like knitting and crocheting when I have the time and materials, reading books, daydreaming, and listening to music. I love music and it means a lot to me. I love going out as much as I love staying in:>

I'm the type of friend who's between being that overprotective mom friend and that friend who radiates crackhead energy (lmao idk either) I've been told that I come off either as a really distant yet confident person or a shy person at first. I'm a clingy person to the people I'm close to. I'm pretty confident and headstrong when the situation calls for it, and I'm not afraid to stand by my morals and fight for what I believe in, although I like to keep an open mind. I don't like fights, aggressive confrontation, or being yelled at because it makes me really anxious and I am a crybaby:<

My love languages are probably all of them tbh and I really wanna try to do all those cliche dates and couple things (like dancing in the rain.) I would really appreciate dates that are away from other people and are private though. Promises mean a lot to me, and I'm the type of person who gets really really upset over broken promises, no matter how little they may be. I'm a patient person and I think that translates into relationships as well. I'm willing to wait for someone to really open up to me. I want a relationship that isn't only built on love, but other things such as open communication, trust, respect and faith in the other person. I want to build a relationship where I can really build a deep connection and bond as well. I wanna do and try things that the other person likes doing, like their hobbies and interests.

Some negative about me are that I tend to overwork, overthink and stress myself out a lot. I cry a lot too, I don't really know if thats a bad thing but I cry when I'm overjoyed, when I'm angry, and when I'm hurt. My tendency to cry depends who I'm around as well though. I tend to second guess myself and have a pretty low sense of worth and self-esteem. Although I'm a pretty optimistic person around others, the pessimist in me comes out a lot when I'm alone. I can also be pretty jealous. I don't really want to bother other people so I tend to just shut up about my own problems, and it'll take a while for me to open up. I tend to bottle up my emotions and end up a huge mess:( but I do try not to, its just that I do have a lot of bad days:(

I hope this was good and I didn't overshare too much hehe:> I hope you're having a great day and stay safe out theree

Ty so much for requesting! You didn't over share in fact it helped me a lot!! I hope you're happy with your results!

I match you with Zhongli

You both seem to posses very similar traits and he's glad he's found someone who understands him as well!

Would very much be willing to do all those cliche romantic things with you 😭😭

Would find it pretty funny you seem to lose your glasses all the time, he'd sometimes even tease you about it until he eventually helps you find them

Zhongli admires your hard working behavior but strongly encourages you to take breaks in between. He will always be there to reassure you and calm your mind over some hot tea he made <3

If you're really stuck in your own head and are constantly daydreaming, he'll do small things like kiss you suddenly or hold your head to ground you a bit

Would ask what you're thinking about, he's really curious (๑•᎑•๑)

Would absolutely love how you never back down from what you believe in and are always ready to defend your causes, with you being an open minded person it really helps Zhongli be more comfortable when talking about what he likes or believes in as well.

He tends to make decisions by himself most of the time and can be assertive, but hes more than willing to try things you'd like to do as much as you'd love to do things he enjoys

If you'd like he'd also would be willing to read to you as well! He loves telling stories and you love reading books, a perfect match <3

Zhongli is a gentleman and does not lose his composer easily so you won't have to worry about any harsh emotional out breaks. If he feels the need to confront something, he will do so in a calm and respectful manner

Doesn't quite fully understand why you cry so much but hes always there to comfort you too! You should probably tell him that sometimes your tears aren't negative and its just because you're happy LMAO

Would do that thing where he wipes your tears and kisses your eyelids 😭💖

He would never break promises as he thinks of them like a contract. He would also get pretty upset if anyone else broke a promise too, I mean hes the god of contract sooooo

Zhongli doesn't mind how you're shy at first as he talks so much, its easy to start joining in on conversations and really go into depth about topics.

He finds your clingy side very endearing, he wants to make so much memories and savor each second with you because he knows it won't last for long :,[

Hopefully you're a big cuddler cause this man will give you so much 😭😭😭

Would make you sit on his lap while he tells you stories because he loves being close to you

Isn't really the type for too much social interaction either and prefers more intimate places so its no issue asking for dates with not much people around :D

He isn't always aware of his actions and sometimes it may come off the wrong way or be mistaken as flirting but if your mood or behavior changes a teeny tiny bit, he can still figure out that something is wrong

Zhongli always makes you feel special and gives you tons of physical affection and words of affirmation, he understands everyone has bad days and is willing to do anything to help you make your day a bit better

Hes very patient as well and will slowly encourage you to open up because he would be worried if you constantly bottled up your feelings :<

Zhongli also strives to have such a deep connection with someone thats built from good trust, respect, communication, and all the others

Though you both might see the world a little different from each other, it doesn't stop the fact that you both have similar things you guys both look for in someone, its sure to be a long lasting and happy relationship!

[mildlows]

Postpartum

Depression is so hard. Having a baby is so hard. But the hardest part about having PPD is the fact that you absolutely love this little version of you and your partner, that you feel guilty for feeling tired, or sad, or unmotivated. 3 months in, and I am finally starting to get better, without medication. I havent treated myself with medication for my anxiety or depression for the last 5 years and instead have been finding other methods to help reduce and release the stresses I carry. And to be fighting this PPD without medication as well, makes me feel so strong. So I am going to start a list of things I am grateful for:

1. I am grateful to have a healthy baby boy straight from my womb. Everything about my pregnancy was relatively easy. I got nausea, I was so tired, I was uncomfortable during the last few weeks. All the normal things. Thankfully, we didnt have any difficulties. The only thing that had to happen was an emergency c section, for his head was too big that I could not push it out, as much as i tried. I went through labor which was exactly what I expected it to be. Hurt like hell. And I had an epidural which was a life saver when it got way too hard to handle. He was worth it completely though.  

2. I am grateful to have a partner who is completely devoted to his family, who works tirelessly, and still comes home, makes me food, watches the baby, and lets me relax and take care of myself. I am so fortunate that he is always making sure I am taken care of before worrying about himself. I have never met a more selfless person who has treated me with the respect that I deserve after enduring a grueling 6 years of agony with a horrific person who most definitely was mooching off of me and had the worst anger issues and would take it out on me. I thank god every day I never got pregnant with his baby because that would have been a nightmare all on its own.

3. I am grateful to have a job where I am able to now work from home and have such flexibility to take my son to his doctors apts or to have days for myself when i need them. I never want to miss anything that happens in his life especially his firsts, and it is something that I am so happy I wont ever have to miss.

4. I am grateful to have supportive parents that are always there to help if ever I need a date night. I am so grateful to have a mother who is able to help guide me through motherhood when I get so tired and restless. She helped tremendously during my “baby blues” period, and I cannot thank her enough for that. I am grateful to have a dad that despite his machismo upbringing, still sees me as a woman who is capable of everything and supports me in absolutely everything I do. They are both the best grandparents we could ask for.

5. I am grateful to be able to save up $$ to put towards a down payment for our first house. Having to own is so much better than having to rent and I am so tired of throwing money down the drain. We are looking at houses that might need some renovation so we can tweak it to our liking. Although I would love to move somewhere like Philadelphia or even Seattle, I know realistically, being closer to home with a baby is the best bet. I want to make sure Jr has his grandparents around as hes growing up. I read an article the other day that stated kids who grow up with their grandparents are significantly happier than those who dont. So this is a decision we are still going over. I’d also considered moving to East Atlanta, or possibly Decatur, however, now it is 3 of us and I have to think about the best place to raise my baby and those places are too dangerous now. Maybe once hes older we can move somewhere else.

6. I am grateful to be in overall good health. I am also weighing less than I did pre-baby. Breastfeeding is such a beautiful bond I get to experience and an additional upside is it burns a lot of calories as well. I want to lose a bit more weight and become stronger again. I have to sign up at a gym in order to do that though because the weights I have here are very light and not sufficient.

I’m sure theres many more things I can list down, but for now, those are the most important ones.

[ldarchive]

all or some of: 10, 18, 19, 20, 25, 28, 30, 35, 36, 39, 40, 41, 42 for the ask meme =) lay all the ari facts on me

ty indigo ilu… shepardposting no limits (HOPEFULLY THE READMORE WORKS?)

10. What kind of friend is Shepard?

the “will give you shit but also go to the ends of the earth” for you type i suppose…he shows his affection thru gentle bullying. he can also be kind of genuinely an overbearing asshole at times, but he gets better with it; it takes him a while to, uh, adjust to having “friends” in the first place. he’s a dad friend if your dad is kind of a grumpy punk with a rude and morbid sense of humor

18. Share a headcanon about Shepard and their LI.

[struggling to come up with something i haven’t talked about a million times] uhhhhhh

kaidan wanted to propose with one of his dad’s old rings but he figured out it wouldn’t fit ari’s finger, so (with his mother’s blessing/assurance that his dad would have been more than happy abt it, etc) he had the gold melted down to make a new ring. in my mind it looks smth like this and yes ari totally cried a little

it also took kaidan weeks of near-misses to work up the nerve to propose even tho he Knew ari was gonna say yes, he was just really worried about getting it right. eventually he just did it on their balcony and ari got surprised and dropped his cigarette and kaidan got a cool new engagement burn scar on his arm but it was nice

19. Why did they fall for each other?

ari fell for kaidan bc he’s not just intelligent, but perceptive; he’s a realist who errs toward optimism and making the best of bad situations; he believes people can and should be better; he has a surprisingly understated sense of humor; he can keep up with ari’s teasing; ari asks him if he’s a romantic and he denies it and then gives, like, the most romantic answer in the world. he’s cute.

kaidan fell for ari bc……. he has big arm. ok but uh i think it’s because he’s, pretty practical and matter of fact and doesn’t care all that much about the social trappings that kaidan continually tortures himself with… he makes kaidan feel Seen and Understood but doesn’t make a big dramatic deal out of everything kaidan tells him, he just treats him… like a person. for someone who’s been living with & defining themselves by their issues for as long as kaidan has, it’s pretty incredible to find someone who just makes him feel like a human being again

20. What are their common interests or hobbies?

a lot of their relationship is like, meeting each other in the middle haha, but there are some things they both enjoy a lot with no caveats:

- cooking! kaidan’s a foodie and it becomes ari’s therapy hobby after me3, so it’s smth they enjoy doing together a lot. they try to do it more often if possible, but their general friday night tradition is to come home, crack open a couple beers, and cook a big meal together

- they are both outdoorsy Adventure Dads… it takes a while before ari can handle more than a walk around the park but eventually he and kaidan can go hiking again and they both rly love it. i imagine theyd be into stuff like camping, swimming, kayaking, etc too dfjnfg

25. Is there something they fight about?

well, everyone gets into arguments occasionally, but i don’t really think they fight all that often… not that they agree on everything all the time, but they’ve both gotten pretty good at talking things out and also deciding whether or not something is even worth arguing about in the first place. when you are dating someone during the apocalypse and don’t have to any time to waste those are both pretty valuable skills haha [i think the most they ever fought in their relationship was post-me3, when ari got out of the hospital and they’d both started to ‘settle in’ to their new lives but it was a bumpy adjustment and they were both going thru a lot of trauma and stress and bottling it up etc. it wasnt a great time but they worked thru it]

28. What would they like to change about the other?

it’s a double-edged sword, bc it’s part of what attracts kaidan to him as well, but sometimes kaidan really wishes ari had more a self-preservation instinct!! sometimes his tendency to charge headfirst into trouble is sexy, sometimes kaidan is tired and sad and it just gets really old

ari wishes kaidan would loosen up a little although, again, the straight-laced military thing (unfortunately) kinda does it for him. he would also take away kaidans chronic pain if he could

30. When did they realise they fell in love?

fr kaidan it was shortly after virmire and it absolutely scared the shit out of him ahaha

ari is dumb so he didn’t really realize until after horizon, which was probably a bad way to figure that out,35. Is there anything they dislike about the other?

ari appreciates how thoughtful kaidan is but sometimes it’s like… a bit… much lmao, he’s not as navel gaze-y as kaidan is so sometimes the process of having to talk everything out gets tiring. for kaidan it’s kind of the opposite, he sometimes perceives ari’s lack of forethought as a lack of care, which isn’t really true, he just works differently

on a much pettier level, ari gets annoyed that kaidan wants to sleep in all the time and kaidan gets annoyed that ari drowns all his food in hot sauce. hello, i worked hard on that steak36. What are their best memories together?

advtykefd cheesy but i like to think they got to take a little bit of leave after me1 so… they rented a log cabin somewhere (not sure if they went back to earth or just a colony planet somewhere?), turned off non-emergency comms on their omnitools and just chilled for a bit… went hiking, had drinks at the tiny bar in the closest small town, holed up in the cabin all day and had sex lmao it was probably the most peaceful week of aris entire life and it left a big impression on him

ofc later there’s stuff like their wedding day, their son’s birth, adopting their daughter etc. kaidan would probably even say, with the emotional distance provided by time, that horizon counts cuz even tho it sucked at the time nothing could have been better than realizing ari was alive

40. Is there someone in the squad of ME/ME2/ME3 Shepard dislikes? Why?

MIRANDA LOL… they just. do not see to eye or get along at all. i find their relationship very entertaining for this reason bc the dynamic of commander & XO who are both trying to be professional but do not respect e/o even the tiniest bit is so funny. theres a convo w her in me2 (i think it might be the one where you can initiate her romance?) where if you choose the renegade dialogue is hilarious to me… miranda makes some snide, passive aggressive comment about shepard based on their background (it’s like “it’s amazing how you’ve managed to succeed despite being _____” lmao) and then shepard is like “OH i get it, you’re jealous bc i’ve been more successful than you and TIM likes me more even tho i’m a big piece of shit idiot?” i love it it’s so funny. they both suck. eventually they do build some kind of mutual respect btwn them but theyre still… not exactly friends. i think in me3 ari was like “damn i hope miranda’s ok” and then when he actually met her again remembered why he used to be so pissed at her all the time lmao. (after me3 tho she saves his life Again and they probably have a lot of time in the hospital to just talk so maybe they do become genuine friends)

41. Are there any important relationships in Shepard’s past that defined their character? /42. Is there someone who had a great influence on Shepard?

just gonna try to combine these i guess,

- his parents, although he only got an unfortunate short time with them, he takes after both of them a lot, and the things his parents imparted on him stuck with him, but especially as he gets older he’s also really aware of the mistakes they made

-the reds, in general. not a really positive influence lmao but. they were his home for years & he learned how the world works through them, for better or worse… it’s why he’s a bit of a cynic, although later he is able to characterize it more as “this shit sucks But we can make it better” rather than just “this shit sucks”

- anderson was the first person ari ever felt saw him as a human being, and it was… a slow-going thing to learn to trust him ahah, but wanting to be worthy of anderson’s approval shaped a lot of his career decisions

[princessnowvie14]

ENOUGH (cutting ties with toxicity)

I know my love for you was real. But this time. That’s enough!

Enough pain, enough blaming, enough making me that there something wrong with me, enough making me feel crazy, enough of mind games, enough getting my energies, enough all the sacrifices i made for you, enough tolerating your trash behavior. Enough loving all your bad sides.

Being in love with a narcissist is like a curse, a guilty pleasure poison. You know it was bad for you, you know he can hurt you, you know he can destroy but somehow there’s a tiny peace of you that you still you wanna be part of the his script and be with him. His role playing, controllable movie but you must pretend to be a villain no matter how pure your heart is because that was the narc wants, for him to play the victim and put the blame in you from all his bad behavior.

I wanna embrace everything you put me through, stayed through the bad times. So dont blame me for leaving you, and told me i was not contented because I put myself first. Dont tell me Im selfish like you always do, because you were the one who always selfish, you never give me what i deserve, I lower my standards for you but put me down more.

I wanna fix you, all your mistakes. But the thing is you dont admit youre wrong instead you point out all my flaws and put me down every time Im asking you to change all your wrong doings. My weaknesses are your strength, you put a salt in my cuts. where I was wounded. and secure that im insecure that’s when I questioned my self worth. My love for you was real but I wasnt happy.

All the narc’s victim know how much this pain caused us. Mostly, when you decided you wanna get out of the relationship when u cutting all ties and no contact rule is a must.

I’ve learned that people like you cannot change, capable of loving and empathy and I cant make you a better person if you dont decide that you have to. Im tired of observing and guessing your true intentions when your actions are too blurry with mixed signals.

I feel like i’m always begging for your care, begging for you to be loyal. I couldnt even trust you. Cause I know face to face you cant hurt me so what more when i’m not around, I feel like you can always betray me. and my innocence about some things, you can use it for purpose, like you always do with people around you, You use people for your own benefits, use ur friends to boost ur ego, use them when we argue, use them when u want me to get jealous. You use people your own happiness but I know u still feel empty, i feel sorry for u, Cause nothing can fill ur loneliness and no one can help you, not even me. Even when i tried to I know that youd just destroy me, Your emptiness and void in ur heart will never be filled. 

You’re too hard to let go but I know I was making the right decision

I always thought you were my blessings, that I should accept everything about you, cause it felt like you were my soulmate. But as time passed by, all you did was immoral, normal people wouldnt do that, disgusting things, and acceptable behavior come up..

All your friends think you are a good man. Ofcourse that's what u want them to think of you, but how about when you unmask urself and show what the real you, The YOU the you showed me and your family. The YOU that you keep hiding from everyone else. The monster who destroyed emotions of people who loves you, but i know the inner child in you is a weak child who’s crying and wanna be saved but its too late.

Wish I could save you, but I’m drowning too. Wish I could bring back your childhood and make you feel better so you wont be damage. Sometimes as I look back, i see ur childhood face and wanna hug, i wish I could talk to you that child and tell him you are loveable, that theres someone like me who cares for him, Im not good in taking care of children though, but if life has given me the chance to make him feel wanted when he was young I will do everything to make him more secure. Sadly he developed a narcissistic behavior and I cant do nothing about that. Its stressing me out, Im not healed too, I know theres an inner child in me that was wounded too. My past wasnt that good, although not as bad as him but my anxiety has started because I have a narcissistic dad too.

You put me in a situation that I can no longer hold on, theres nothing left. My energy and my capacity to love has run low.. And no matter how much I love you, its damaging and harmful. All i ever wanted to do was to let go, to free ourselves from the pain. The separation is painful, but i didnt showed you. I pretended I was fine so you wont trigger my emotional self and hoover me. You know my weakness when I am into you, thats the thing I avoid. To make you think that I was affected in you. To make u feel that I am emotionally attach was your supply to boost your self confidence. You dont care about me / You didnt love. I accept that. You are incapable to do that and your brain is wired like that. And I understand, I wont change you, but I will walk out in ur role playing. Im not longer the main character nor the villain. Seeing you fading in my life too is gonna be hard but i know that will be the best thing, cause better person and the right will come alone. Thank you for the lesson you taught me,  for making my life miserable because of that I became stronger. you told me ill never be happy. I’ll prove to you. SOmeday I will get what I deserve a life that you will envy even more like you used to. And you will get what u deserve too, the pain you caused with everyone will make you feel emptier.... My love for you was real. But soon it will fade....and thats fine.

[loveletterstothepast]

Dear Future Me,

We’ve been through enough books and movies to know the generic outcome of many possibility’s. Our dreams are vivid and terrorizing. Fear engulfs us because there is no where to run. Especially when fate so kindly created those paths for us. You’ve seen it a thousand times so why not tire of the running and avoiding and finally go with it. You’ve made so much peace and progress and I’m genuinely proud of how far you’ve come. How much further will you go? Will you write to this me? And tell her the sadness and the successes? Will we bask in that glory together. In pride for both of us.

You know what’s happening and has been set into motion. You knew the choice you made the moment you made it. Are you afraid of opportunities possibly missed? Whatever the case I want to tell you.. you want him. You want that future together. Not to manipulate you or steal the choices you’ll get to make on your own.. but you want this. You wanted it so badly that when it happened you didn’t even noticed anyone else. It was all gone. All curiosity. You even forgot the password to a fake account to keep tabs. You’ve grown so much and when you agreed you weren’t just agreeing to that life with him. You were agreeing to live your life without regard of others. I know you might be afraid now that it’s nearing or that theres a feeling in your bones someone is going to try and compete. Don’t allow them into the home you created. Just be in love with the person you’ve been loving for several months. Several years. Love him without interruptions finally. Love him. Love yourself enough to allow yourself that simple pleasure.

Many things could change. Many things could try and sway your emotions.. but be confident in what you want. No regrets. The only regret you will grow to have is one where you leave.. and I want you to know that cold feet are normal.. but don’t run away. Face it head on. Head strong. With a smile. Maybe you were right about something in the past but leave it be. Leave it to the wind to carry it elsewhere. You don’t live in the past anymore. Look forward. Be excited. Don’t stress over other people’s hearts or feelings. Love. Be loved. Don’t hesitate to touch the light with your fingertips. Please dance in the safety of that love.

I know we worked for years to build walls around our heart to avoid this. Now we created a door to invite this man in.. and all he’s done is help flowers grow in it. All he’s done was fix the things my self love couldn’t have. The kindness in his heart is unmatched. You love him so much and I know in moments that’s confusing because you’re so used to trying to shoulder everyone off.. but not this time. You’ve come out of your shy shell to ask simple things of this man. Basic things. Things you needed in order to feel safe in his home and he granted you those things. He loves you so much and he’s patient with you. Maybe some things feel scary still but that’s the past screaming at you.. we don’t live there anymore.

We live here where we have the kindest man by our side constantly supporting us. Loving us. Cheering us on. I know you.. I know that no matter how dramatically you’ve changed you’ll still get curious so let me ease your thoughts on this one.

If anyone else wanted you. They’d have never put themselves in a position to lose you. If anyone else wanted a chance they had almost two whole years to prove something. So why now? When you’re so close to making a home with someone else?

I’ll tell you why.

They want to control you. It’s always been about how they could keep you as a back up. I’m here now. I’m completely sane... DONT FALL FOR ANY OF THOSE CURIOSITIES! I know you get tempted by the littlest things like snacks, movies, music. You want to see it all but everyone had just as much opportunity as he did. He wanted you. Cracks in all.

That nature you have to want to see where everything could go. Shut it down because indecisiveness is shitty.

I know right now we’re set in stone about our choice but I don’t know what life will try to throw our way.. I don’t know if you’ll fall victim to it. I’m hoping you’ll make a firm decision out of the three options you have.. but for the sake of arguing. Please make the wisest one. And don’t blame me for where I lean.. because I think out ‘growing pains’ are screaming at us to finally get away from the two that hold responsibility. I don’t know what you’ll do when the time comes but I’m almost sure it won’t be an option by then. I’m pretty sure... I know where you will go and I’m so sad that you’ll have to bear that cross by yourself.. but it’ll be fine because you are so strong and resilient.. and although they won’t see it coming.. I know you’ll be happy.

Love Angel.

[landonho1993]

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[modiintrainguy]

Confusion Reigns

December 19, 2019, 6.43am

 I can’t stop thinking about this.

That i am now constantly seeing everything through the prism of “ADHD” or an “ADHD brain” as AL says.

And as he says, an ADHD brain does not mean you have “Attention Deficit” and “Hyperactivity”.

It is about not being able to use “executive function” properly so you you find it very hard to make decisions. That you know what you should do and why you should do it and really you usually know how you do it - but something stops you from actually doing it. something about how its very hard to get from the back brain to the front brain.

Which has always been my problem - it shows, from how i always put homework off, to the extreme anxiety i felt with the product marketing job at sbt where i had to make a plan and implement it by myself.... let alone cleaning up at home and doing dishes and planning shabbat meals and dealing with finances and making a schedule for the month with the kids and stuff.

he says that one of the issues is having no discernable end to the task plus overwhelm, as i wrote in the previous post.

he also says that people with an “adhd brain” get frustrated quickly whihc can lead to anger.

also....

Therefore i think alot that  this could be why the therapy + medication approach to my “depression” over the last 20 years hasnt really worked.

if the problem is the “adhd brain,” then trying to make me “happier” by 

giving me drugs to increase serotonin and/or dopamine and norepinephrine to supposedly make me happy

encouraging me to relax and then use my rationality to realise what the real problem is  

think about what made upset as a child and how that influenced me as an adult, 

do cbt to focus on the realy problem

isnt going to work. 

because even if i feel happier or think rationally, i still dont get over the hump and do what i need to do or become less frustrated because the “adhd” brain stops me from doing the rational thing even if i know what it is and im relaxed. 

maybe thats why when i do exercise i feel good at the time because my minds off the problem but the problem hasnt gone away and when i come back from a run its still there and even i feel ok after a run i still cant deal with it so i feel just as crap as before after ive had a shower!

but then: the issues...

So the issue i have is that it seems too good to be true - is this the reason i am so bad at getting stuff done and i become so rude?

take the last few days, when i snapped at the mrs over little things, including: whether she really understood or meant it when she said having a bath has the same affect as running which supposedly has an antidepressent affect due to increase in dopamine or something. or when i got annoyed when i asked her whether she asked the wall painter guy to come at 8am and she said “i sent him a message” instead of saying what was in the message was can you come at 8am.

The issues therefore are:

is it ok to blame it all (or most of it) on me having an “adhd brain? it seems like it is the main problem but is that a cop out?

one sec, how do i know i have an “adhd brain” - i haven’t been diagnosed, so should i be? is there a real accurate diagnosis u can get anyway. and will i get it done considering my main problem is putting things off!?

even if i am diagnosed and it seems this is the main problem, what the fuck do we do now? can i actually get over the hump and get things done and not be rude when im stressed?

how bad can i be, considering i still get things done ok. 

like, i invited a kid over yesterday who we met in the park on shabbat and whose mum is a psychologist who speciallises in adhd among other things and is into DBT and hypnotherapy and a but of mindfulness and her husband has been diagnosed with adhd. she said she thought our apartment is very neat and i told her ivebeen at home alot the last few weeks. and she was suprised cos her husbanad never does things like clearing up (and i used to do alot less when i didnt have kids so have i somehow improved or was it just out of neccesity? although now i clean the floor alot but is it cos i love the dyson?)

One other thing...

I was thinknig something else. (dont worry its connected).

it seems is that i leave everything to the last minute but when i do that with something i actually need to do, then i usually have a plan of how it can get done, so i set a deadline and work out exactly what needs to be done when and assume that is the only way that it can be done.

then when i need other people to do things to help me get it done, i most probably havent told them about their role in advance and then i get annoyed and frustrated when they dont do exactly what i need them to do as quickly as possible, when really, they didnt know i expected to do that, and anyway they might have a different idea of how to get this thing done,but im totally convinced my way is not only the best way but the only way! so i get annoyed and hurry them up and then get worried that we’re not going to do the thing on time and that will be a disaster and i almost implode.

this can be for anything - a good example is leaving on time for shul so we get to the children service to (although get the kids up and ready and out the house in the morning or getting them to bed before it becomes “too late” are also perfect examples). 

when i decide we should go to shul cos otherwise shabbat is just a long nothing cos we wont drive, and theres no point going to shul if we’re going to miss the chjildrens service at 10 because we dont do anything else when we are there apart from play, then it all becomes a rush. but at the same time, the mrs doesnt know im thinking that, cos some weeks im less urgent, the kids dont really understand time and dont care as long as they get to wear their nice dresses, and im all rushing and angry and frustrated.

see what i mean.

anyway better get the girls up - mrs has already gone to work cos we have littleruns chanuka party at gan today. (fucking hell planning how we are all ggoing to get there on time was a headfuck - believe me. although we’ve done it!)

[perfectionistincrisis]

Life these days

Days these days. I get less of the episodes. Episodes - being triggered by anything that makes me reminisce the past & makes me extremely depressed. I stay away from my family & if needed to communicate, im extremely harsh & cold. Sometimes i keep getting flashbacks, & my mind is so busy.

Other times i am just sad for no reason. There are no clear triggers and my head is empty but i feel the same pain and interact with ppl i.e. my family the same. But at night, when i go to bed, or everyone else is asleep,  i start crying out loudly! Almost all the time, I have no idea at all why im crying. I am totally clueless. But i cry loud enough to call it a scream & it pains just enough to shatter me into a billion tiny pieces. Very few of the times, there is actually something specific in my head that makes me cry out loud.

^ Yah all that.

That happens very less frequently now. Its been happening for 3 years now! But recently, and i mean veryyyyy recently like maybe within the past week or something, i am handling it way better. Its like i healed a bit. Although there is so much more of me to heal & i guess a little of me that will always remain broken.

There are many things i realized. And many things I witnessed.

One thing is how inhumane i have been with myself all these years. No one has tortured me more than I have done to myself. And i need to stop.

I realized how I am the one who gets tk decide ‘how much’ i am going to let any certain thing affect me. Yes. I get to decide that for myself. And the time has come, I need to let it not affect me at all. And i tried before too but this time i realized that i cant just sit and tell myself that from this moment nothings going to affect me & that will be it. No. It doesnt work that way!

I need to stand up for myself. I need to speak up for myself. And i need to fight back when needed.

Its like im in a battlefield & this is war.

Im on it on my own. No one will ever be able to help me. I need to be here for myself always.

To add to that, i realized that i seriously am on my own. I thought about it. There is no one i feel comfortable speaking to. The thing is, i have always been so aware of everything. Never let anyone see my weakness. Never trusted anyone. Never expected anything from anyone. I don’t let people in. I can not just certify someone as ‘close’. My family and him are the only ones who are close. But what i realized is, although I don’t talk to any of them about my problems, if i got a chance, i don’t think i ever really will be able to open up to any of them completely. With my family, well i think they’re close to me because of the blood. I mean my brothers, theyre still immature. My dad, well he lacks emotions. So nah id pass. And my mom.. Well, i dont think ill ever be able to be myself completely with her.. I just..idk i just feel like she’ll judge me.. I just dont want her to get any wrong idea of me as a person and sometimes we judge people way too fast. I am not that good at communicating face to face. ‘Speaking’.

I am much better at communicating when i get to sit and slowly write down what i have to say. And even worse, i dont even know to express myself in bangla. I mean even my duas when i pray to mg duas when im doing tawaf, its always in english. Thats what im comfortable using for communication so yeah. And with him, well i wasnt ever scared of him judging me. If speaking to my moms a 3/10 then speaking to him is a 9/10. But its just not 10.. That ‘1’ i missed out; there is still a fear of being judged.. More importantly, we dont talk now so its not an option anyways.

So i realized that im unsure Ill be able to completely open up to any of them because i feel like theyll start to think stuff, or theyll feel im just exaggerating it or theyll judge not me but the other people i talk about & mostly the people in my stories are these people who are close to me. I dont want anyone to think wrong of anyone else or anyone to get hurt listening to my feelings of how their involvement affected me.

So i realized that its safe to say I am in this on my own. I need to fight for myself. I also realized that I am more of a ‘cry baby’. I mean if i have problems i should just deal with it myself. Okay well thats what ive been trying to do all this time.

So many a times, i did get better, feel better. But then, out of the blue, there’s a flare up.

This time, inshaAllah, i hope there wont be.

Some things also happened recently, somethings i witnessed which im totally not sure about. Meaning, i dont know if theyll be saved in my head as something positive or negative. Ha ha ha. Yessss, thats the complexity of this whole shit matter. Theres an equal 50:50 chance of it being either one.but for now its positive for the bigger part with a pinch of negative that was there in the beginning.

If this wasnt me blogging but instead talking to him, id say thing 5 time more than whatever i just wrote down.

Life is fine right now Alhamdulillah. I get depressed very less often. Well i just wanted to point out that me being less depressed doesnt mean my lifes a party or im really really happy and all 24 7. Everyday is full of ups and downs and social media is mostly just for focusing on the ups.

But then nah, really, I mean deep inside my heart I am so thankful to Him. Theres this satisfaction; this firm belief that He will take care of me. He will help me and He will be their by my side always. And i need to stress on it that this belief in Him is really really really strong.

But that doesnt mean i dont stress. Cause man, i “over-stress”. I mean i need to do my part too. I need to do my best AND have faith in Him. But thaaaat is the thing. Whenever im ‘doing’ something, i just have to turn it into something stressful. Story of a perfectionist. Trust me its a burden.

Also, what brings the most calmness to my heart & at the same time also make me equally restless is how much i keep falling in love with him. More and more every second. I think of him all the time. I pray for him all the time.. And sometimes it feels so bad, i wish i could touch him.. And always, i find myself having no words to let it out.. But i take it as a good thing. I just worry though, always, of whether im doing something he wouldnt like. Its just not that obvious to me. I mean i hardly do anything ‘-’ but like i said, i overstress over every tiny thing so yeah.

So um, thats it.

P.S. also this post was a sudden decision and im having a bad headache so im not sure i was able to put things down nicely. I also didnt re read it but i just wanted to write down a general overview of how lifes been these days.

Its fine Alhamdulillah - had worse days. And praying for far better days inshaAllah ❤❤❤

I worry a lot about him though. I always keep thinking if everything is alright❤

tata for now :)

[tryandmakeitdaily]

1/23/19

Ya ya ya ya ya. This is where we’re at now. About to move to LA at the ripe old age of 26. I think at this point in my life I’m thinking about what it means to be my age and all of the work I feel like I should be doing in preparation. 

Theres that word again - should. For a while I really erased that word from my vocabulary but currently the feeling of “should” still exists. Everyday, I find myself thinking of things I should be doing - especially for the move. I’m going to do these things. Or I can. Should and the expectations it brings are useless.

I feel lonely as I move, I know I have support from those that I love, but I can sense that I’m trying to cover up my loneliness by talking to multiple girls at once. Every night I send the “Hi” text out, expectation something worthwhile to come of it. But that never comes, I’m not developing a relationship with anyone and no one around really has the time or the ignorance to be involved with someone who is going to be moving in a week.

Now, my focus WILL (not should) be on packing, selling and getting that money before that move out. The drive will be cleansing, a baptizing 3 days of enlightening and patient travel across the United States. I’ll be able to stop in a couple places along the way, we’ll see what fits in my life and what does not.

I must go. I will go. I will conquer. Its strange - the actual fear I have isn’t necessarily that I won’t be able to do that which is required of me musically - its that I won’t enjoy it. I chase happiness like this in my mind. Maybe this is actually problematic because to chase happiness is to chase nothingness. Its to chase north on the compass, you will never catch it, it is just a rough guide for your decisions. In fact, maybe its easier upon reflection than it is anything else.

I’m grateful for so many people in my life right now. Garret. Ashlynn. Siena. Shack. Brian. My family. All of these people have spouted such support for me, they have given me the courage to go forth into that deep end. Take the plunge. Leap of faith. I’m also thankful I have all the means to get this stuff done. Its so important. I have a place to stay. I’m doing it on easy mode. And I love that. Thats how I wanted it to be. Thats the smart way to do it.

I worked out with Seth and Thibault yesterday. I’m not sore - it was interesting being at assemble briefly for that. Seeing all of those people. I think I’ll only really miss Seth. Everyone else is to self-focused to have any concern of me, truly. Which I don’t even blame them for really, I can totally relate, I’m the same way.

I’m excited for today, I’m excited to get my acne in control with this new stuff the doctor gave me. Some antibiotics - which at first I was extremely hesitant about - but now I understand in order to move forward to Accutane, I can’t possibly handle accutane if I can’t handle this antibiotic stuff. And I can totally handle it. Its a light stomach ache if I eat it at an improper time.

Right now I’m focused on sleep. Getting money and sleep. That’s all I care about right now besides maybe seeing some people before I leave. So many things I have to schedule - its weird how my brain works. It wants to transition so much, wants to get going once I get pumped up, unwilling to finish the task at hand but I control my brain. I control my body. I can sit here and type more until I’m done despite all of those fleeting feelings of fleeing.

Yesterday I masturbated for the first time in a little bit - maybe a week. I was so disproportionately horny for some reason. I mean I got laid a little while ago, but I think separate of porn I actually have a fairly large sexual appetite. I bought nudes which I always thought I’d never do but this girl is enticing to me, something about the transaction is alluring as well as the guiltlessness about it. I mean I’m literally funding someone else. And something about going on Pornhub is disgusting, it seems like a dopamine fest and further feeds into the addiction of porn. I mean its definitely more costly. What if, right? What if I had to always pay to jerk off. Thats crazy to think about. And what if all that money went to a person. Honestly thats not bad.

So much of my sexual nature is built on the idea of shame, on the idea of being better or that sex is something bad or inherently wrong. I’m not sure about my relationship to masturbation separate of porn. But porn is definitely its own things and I am shameful of that. Although I don’t want to be - but I think it kind of takes over my life if I let it. Just like reddit. And reddit seems to be a gateway to porn. Endlessly - there will always be some attractive looking person or some alluring story on there that I will thoughtlessly click on and indulge in. Which, I mean, I think is a good thing.

I can tell I’m stressed out when I’m obsessively texting people to avoid my thoughts or my stress. I don’t have an outlet I can just do from home for this stress, but I recognize it as something thats very potent and very powerful if I’m not mindful of it. Thats important to recognize and I’m proud of myself for doing so. I can do better and I will do better. So I suppose, in relation to paying for nudes or asking for them endlessly, I’m at odds with what I think is right. Actually no, I know what I want. I don’t want to want nudes. And nudes become the replacement for porn when I disallow myself to look at it. What if I masturbated separate of the porn. Trying to recognize or be aware of what I want - a dopamine hit from porn or a masturbation. Separating those two things seem to be the key to this. Sexuality in this case has more to do with my impulsive nature than it has to do with my desire for human connection, or even my animalistic humpy biology. 

[themoneybuff-blog]

Are you a shopaholic? How to fight a shopping addiction

Yesterday, I mentioned that because I grew up poor, I inherited a faulty money blueprint from my parents. They didnt know how to handle money effectively, so they couldnt teach me how to handle it effectively. I entered adulthood with many of the same bad habits theyd had when I was a kid. I was a compulsive spender, for instance. I had a shopping addiction. I had no willpower, no impulse control. Even when I had no money in the bank, I still found ways to spend. I took on over $20,000 in credit card debt before I turned 25!

Nowadays, I mostly have my spending under control. Im no longer in debt, and I force myself to make conscious decisions about what I purchase. (Conscious spending is one of the keys to overcoming emotional spending.) Having said that, I know that if I relax for even a moment, Ill be right back in my old habits. Ill find myself at the grocery store buying magazines to soothe a bruised ego, or shopping for music in the iTunes store because I had a stressful day. How do I know Ill relapse if Im not careful? Because I do from time to time. When I was prepping for my big talk at the end of June, for example, I felt super stressed and my shopping addiction kicked in. I spent an afternoon browsing on Amazon, putting things in my shopping basket. (I even ordered a few of the things, although I knew I shouldnt.) Emotional spending is comforting not just for me, but for a lot of other people too. Though Im a recovering spendaholic, Im still a spendaholic. Im always one step away from compulsive spending. My story is not unique. What Is a Shopping Addiction? People who have a shopping addiction suffer from whats known as compulsive spending. According to the Illinois Institute for Addiction Recovery: Compulsive shopping and spending is described as a pattern of chronic, repetitive purchasing that becomes difficult to stop and ultimately results in harmful consequences. It is defined as an impulse control disorder and has features similar to other addictive disorders without involving the use of an intoxicating drug. The organization offers the following list of warning signs of a shopping addiction: Shopping of spending money as a result of being disappointed, angry or scared.Shopping/spending habits causing emotional distress or chaos in ones life.Having arguments with others regarding shopping or spending habits.Feeling lost without credit cards.Buying items on credit that would not be bought with cash.Spending money causes a rush of euphoria and anxiety at the same time.Spending or shopping feels like a reckless or forbidden act.Feeling guilty, ashamed, embarrassed or confused after shopping or spending money. Many purchases are never used.Lying to others about what was bought or how much money was spent.Thinking excessively about money.Spending a lot of time juggling accounts and bills to accommodate spending. Ive experienced all of these. In fact, I used to suffer from many of these at the same time. It felt awful. An addiction to spending is a scary, dangerous thing. As with other addictions, victims feel lost and out of control. People who have never suffered from a shopping addiction cant understand the problem, and you may have a hard time explaining it to them. They dont know what its like to see something and feel the urge to buy it now. They dont know the lure of the shopping rush and the subsequent nausea from the guilt have having spent too much. Overspendershave confused and confusing relationships with money, write psychologists Brad and Ted Klontz in Mind Over Money. On one hand, theyre convinced that money and the things it can buy will make them happy; yet theyre often broke because they cant control their spending. Fortunately, Ive learned some ways to cope with emotional spending. Though Im still tempted, I dont spend nearly as much as I used to because Ive developed habits that help me do the right thing, even when the right thing is difficult. How to Fight a Shopping Addiction Based on my own experience and based on conversations Ive had with others here are seven strategies you can use to fight a shopping addiction: Cut up your credit cards. If you have a problem with compulsive spending, destroy your credit cards now. Dont make excuses. Dont jot the account numbers someplace just in case. Dont rationalize that you need them to help your credit score. If credit cards fuel your emotional spending, youre better off without them. (You can always get new cards once youve learned better habits.)Carry cash only. Dont use your checkbook or a debit card. Inconvenient? Absolutely, but thats the point. If youre a compulsive spender, your goal is to break the habit. To do this, youve got to make sacrifices. Spending cash is a way to remind yourself that youre spending real money. Plastic (and to some degree checks) make this connection fuzzy.Track every penny you spend. You may not even be aware of how much youre spending. Back when I let my emotions rule my financial life, I had no idea how many books I was buying, for example. But once I started tracking every dollar that came into and went out of my life, patterns became clear. When you see your spending patterns, you can act on them.Play mind games. For some people, money isnt an emotional issue. Theyre able to make logical choices and not be tempted to otherwise. Theyre lucky. For most of us, however, it doesnt work that way. If youre in this majority, find ways to play tricks on yourself. You might train yourself to use the 30-day rule, for instance: When you see something you want, dont buy it right away; instead, note it on your calendar for 30 days in the future. If you still want it in a month, consider buying it. Ive found that I can keep myself from buying a lot of stuff by simply putting it on my Amazon wish list. I come back later and wonder why I was ever tempted!Avoid temptation. The best way to keep from spending is to avoid situations that tempt you to spend in the first place. If your weakness is books, stay out of bookstores and avoid Amazon. If you tend to overspend at big department stores, stay away from the mall. Stop going to the places where you normally spend, especially if youre under emotional stress.Remind yourself of larger goals. Ive struggled with my weight all my life. Whenever Im tempted to eat something bad, I ask myself, Will this help me or hurt me? The same question can be asked when youre about to make an impulse purchase. Will your new toy bring you closer to your goals or move you further away? (If youre not clear on your larger goals, try drafting a personal mission statement.)Ask for help. Theres no shame in asking for help if youre having trouble with your spending. Talk to a close friend or family member, and ask for support in breaking the cycle of compulsive spending. You may even want to seek professional help. But remember: If you ask for help, dont get angry when your counselors call you on your missteps. Listen to what they have to say. Each of these techniques can help curb your shopping addiction to some degree. Different techniques will appeal to different people. Theres one other strategy that Ive found to be very effective for myself: When I find myself tempted to buy something, I force myself to stop for a moment and ask myself some serious questions.

What to Do When Youre Tempted to Buy Lets say youre in the mall or at the Electronics Emporium. Theres nothing you need to buy, but youre killing time while your spouse finishes an errand. As you wait, you browse. You admire the Thneeds. Look! Theres a new one! Its bright and shiny and you think it will make you happy, so you pick it up, walk to the register to purchase it. Wait! Before you buy, think about the following questions: When will I use this? When you buy compulsively, when you spend on impulse, you tend to acquire a lot of stuff you never use. Look around your home. Do you have unopened CDs or DVDs? Unread books? Unplayed videogames? Do you have clothes that still sport their price tags? Do you have a collection of money-saving gadgets gathering dust in your closets and kitchen drawers? Before you buy something new, ask yourself when youll actually use it and be honest with yourself.Do I have another one like this already? If so, whats wrong with the old one? I use this question in a variety of situations, especially when Im tempted to buy clothes. Kim gets frustrated with my tendency to acquire new t-shirts, for example. You already have five blue t-shirts, she told me recently. Why do you need another? This is also a great question to ask when faced with the urge to upgrade. Do you really need to replace your iPhone?If I buy this, where will I put it? Its surprising how often this question prevents me from buying something new. For the past few years, Ive had limited space to store stuff. First, Kim and I were on the road in an RV with no storage. Next, we moved to a smaller house. If I force myself to think about where Ill store whatever it is that tempts me, thats often enough to make me decide not to buy it.If I buy this, can I pay cash? Would I pay cash for this? When I was in debt, I bought almost everything on credit. I figured I could pay for it later. All of my cash went to pay my credit card bills. I was dumb. Ive since realized that if something isnt worth saving for, if its not worth buying with cash, then its almost certainly not worth buying on credit.Can I buy a good-quality used version for less? I used to be a new snob. I believed that things were only worth buying if I could have them in new, pristine condition. Now I know that great deals can be had on gently used items. This is true of cars, of course, but its also true of games, electronics, clothing, and more. Make a habit of checking Craigslist first and taking a look at your local thrift store.Do I know anyone who already owns one I can borrow? I overheard a story the other day. Evan was preparing for some yardwork and making an inventory of his tools. He decided he wanted a chainsaw. He called his friend Lee to ask for advice on which one to buy. Why do you want to buy a chainsaw? Lee asked. Do you have a lot of trees to clear? Evan admitted that he did not. Then why dont you just borrow mine? Lee asked. When done respectfully, borrowing is a great alternative to buying new.Can I wait to buy this? One of the best things Ive done to fight my shopping addiction is to teach myself to wait. For the past decade, Ive used the afore-mentioned 30-day rule. When I find myself in the Electronics Emporium holding the latest game for the Nintendo Switch, I put it back and tell myself that I can buy it in 30 days if I still want it. The key is to make yourself wait to make a purchase, to not give in to your desire to buy in the moment.Why do I want to buy this? And why do I want to buy it today? Its true that many times Im inclined to buy something because it would fill a need in my life. But just as often I find myself wanting to buy things because Ive recently seen an ad. Or, worse, a friend has shown me some cool new gadget. In these cases, Im not filling an ongoing need; Im simply trying to fill a sense of lack created by comparing myself with others. If I can figure out why I have the urge to buy something, I can sometimes make the urge go away.Are there better options available? This is a great question to trick myself into taking more time. If I find myself browsing Amazon tempted to buy a compound miter saw, for example, I can sometimes talk myself out of it by realizing that I have no idea whether this compound miter saw is the best model. Instead, I go research compound miter saws (or whatever) via Consumer Reports and online review sites. I try to find the best option. Most of the time, the process gets overwhelming: There are so many compound miter saws with so many different features! I lose interest and I save myself some money.What would my partner say if I bought this? Kim isnt opposed to everything I buy, but shes often able to detect compulsive spending when I cannot. Sometimes if Im tempted buy a new toy, I try to put myself in her shoes, to view the purchase through her eyes. If, from her perspective, the purchase seems reasonable, then I consider it. But it looks foolish, I often change my mind. Ive used all of these questions to learn to control my shopping addiction. I dont ask myself all of these questions every time I shop. Each is useful in certain situations. And these questions dont stop all of my purchases. But Ive found that if I give myself honest answers, they can prevent a lot of spending. Additional Resources For more information on coping with compulsive spending and shopping addiction, explore the following web sites: Finally, consider seeking professional help. There is no shame in obtaining psychotherapy for problems that seem bigger than you. Ultimately you must look inward to overcome any form of addiction a therapist is like a trained guide who can help you find the way. The good news is you can overcome this. You can break free from emotional spending. The bad news is that it takes work. It wont happen overnight. Youll make mistakes, and youll backslide. When you do, dont give up. Dont beat yourself up because you bought a new purse or played a round of golf at the new course. Youre human. Keep focused on your long-term goal, and resolve to do better next time. [embedded content] https://www.getrichslowly.org/shopping-addiction/

[julieneandcrisselesjourney-blog]

Goodbye, for now

This whole tumblr was supposed to be all about our journey getting back together… It was supposed to be the steps we took to be better for each other, and love each other and all… I really really thought that we were getting back together. Things looked like it was getting better, I really believed this was going to work out... This was going to be a journal of how we became better together, how our love ousted mistakes… My mistake. It kinda sucks that it had to be for this.

I told you you were stronger than me. I told you that you’d get through it and I made a bet with myself that in the end, I’d be the one left with a broken heart. If you’re reading this, then that means I have come to terms with the fact that its just… over. If I actually sent this to you… well, haha. I’m probably just a fucking mess, and it’s better off if you didn’t come back. The time that has gone by without you has been hell, I’m not sure how long it’s been but I know that it’s been hell. And I’m sure that I miss you and love you so much, that if I’m actually sending this to you, I know it’s best to be like this. I just wanted to thank you, for legitimately everything. For never cheating on me or hurting me, for always being there for me when I needed you. For all the gifts you gave me and all the times you made me laugh or cry; just for everything. I would never be able to cut any of the ties we have, I don’t even think I could watch Dear Evan Hansen, or Game of Thrones anymore. That’s just me, just know whenever those things come up, along with literally countless others, I’ll be thinking of you, and the mistake I made for us to be in this situation.

I wanted to thank you, for paying for fucking dinner. The moment I knew that you were special, was because you paid for that dinner. Did you know that? I would never be able to let it go, not because I am angry that you paid for it, but it STILL astonishes me that you would do that for me. Because not even my friends would pay for my dinner. For surprising me with a cookie all specially made for me. That was so… well, surprising. Haha, wed been dating, what, 2 weeks by that time? Everything moved so fast, it was all so fun… For the watch, and your key… That reminds me, I probably should take that off of my car key ring. For the purple owl date… wow, it’s hard to even type this out. It’s like a flood of memories just releasing itself, and all these emotions pouring out of me, I feel so helpless. But that date was just the most special night… I wanted to honestly propose to you, right there. I was thinking about getting a promise ring, but I didnt know if I was ready. Trust me, after that date, I could definitely say I was ready.  All these things told me that you actually really wanted to stay in my life… And I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of it.

Thank you for taking a chance with me, I know that everything we’ve gone through was just… Really hard. Being long-distance, our insecurities and our issues, the age difference… I’m truly happy that we got to fight through it together, for more than a year, right? That’s pretty crazy. But I’m sorry that I didn’t show more compassion, I’m sorry that I wasted times fighting you or being upset with you. Had I known this was all the time we had, I wouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry for breaking your heart, I am so sorry… You have no idea. I have so many words but none of the combinations of those meanings combined could really honestly let you know how I felt. How sorry I am, how idiotic I feel for making honestly the absolute worst decision I could’ve made. For breaking your heart, and for breaking my own. For breaking us.

But I want you to know that I am rooting for you, that I love you with everything and that I want you to be the best you, that you can be. I don’t want to say this, but maybe just maybe in the future, theres still a shot for us (Even though I would prefer like, now). But until then, it’d have to just be like this, huh? It would just have to be… like fucking this. Good luck with your schooling, youre gonna become a great PT. Whenever you feel stressed, and you feel like you can’t do it always know that YOU. CAN. Haha, because youre Crissele, you can do anything. I wish that I took you less for granted, I took the times we had more seriously and the bond we shared more lovingly... I always thought we’d have the rest of our lives to do so, but because of me, we don’t anymore.

Be happy, please be happy. Be happy with your friends, be happy with your family. And to whatever guy comes next… I truly hope he treats you the way you want and deserve to be treated. He should treat you amazingly and love you with all his heart, and never hurts you the way like I did. Or the ways that they did. I’ll always pray for you and although we aren’t together, I’ll always root for you.

I have so much more that I want to say, so many things to be thankful for and to feel bad for. I wish I could keep going like this, keep begging you to have me back. Keep texting you and calling you… but I can’t and shouldn’t. You should be left alone, and I should be… well, wallowing in sadness and depression for months, haha. So don’t you ever think that I won’t ever think or dream of you.  Please don’t forget me, and please don’t ever think that I wouldn’t want what we had back… Because I’d do anything to get it. So thats what I’m going to do, even if it’s something so fucking hard such as this. I love you so much, Crissele-Catherine Mata Flores. And I’ll miss you so, so much.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i dont know how i feel. i’m very conflicted and sad. i dont want to be but my soul tells me i probably should be.

hes very excited to quit his job and take temporary leave across the country. he joked, ‘youll leave me now that i dont have a job’ and i replied ‘no, youre leaving ME now that you dont have a job’

‘what do you mean? i thought you said you would follow me.’

‘... i will follow you’

‘so then follow me. thats why i wanted to bring the truck. i just want time to myself first so i can create better habits and stop being lazy.’

at this point i realized my theory regarding north york was right and he was not happy about my refusal to follow him. but it wasnt right. and although this is being spoken about 6 months in advance i feel like theres a certain amount of disrespect? like it wasnt a discussion - it was just once again something he’d do and i was welcome to join him. 

and i dont know if thats right for me? like to be totally fair, i dont know whats right for me. i dont even know where i want to be, who i want to be, what i want to o with my time. i’m really figuring all of this out right now. and like i was some years late on this because of all my shit and once i figure it out i think i’ll be fine but it’s ~the seeker again. i’ve been repeating, “i asked timothy leary and he couldnt help me either” after seeing the documentary with him an ram dass. like i have questions that are so deep an profound to life that i may never find answers and maybe thats who the fuck ill be and if thats who i am then how do i find ways to exist in this life. 

like - i hate everyone. i really dislike everyone i know right now but i continue to socialize with them because this is what ive known this is what ive built - this is what i have. i should have done better. i’m trying to make people who will never really amount to much do more than theyre ever destined for and i’m frustrated about it. i’m continually frustrated that i put in this massive amount of effort that NO ONE else puts in and they have THE EXACT SAME AMOUNT OF TIME. i know i’m sick - i know because if i wasnt, if i never had the parents i had - if i had opportunities given to me i wouldnt be here right now. i am so angry at people who have opportunities and continually shit on them. i’m here doing the most with nothing and getting only a few steps ahead. 

i thought i didnt care where i lived. but that was a serious lesson when i moved to the north of the city. i fucking hate the suburbs and i fucking hate being in the midle of nowhere. it is not fun or quaint biking everywhere or being off the main transit line. i biked home at 3am and bought smokes in the time it would take me to bike to the bus stop to go downtown. and i thought i didnt care about the way i lived but it turns out that my environment weighs heavily on me. i “thrive” in a city atmosphere where things are bustling and i can jump in at any time. i have no qualms about missing opportunities for socializing because i know ill have more very soon. being able to get resources to live super quickly means i have no problem doing multiple tasks in a day. it was like when i took anti anxiety meds and realized what anxiety was. i did not know what i had until it was gone and i was able to learn that i did in fact do better in a room. i was raised in a room. and it sounds sad and maybe it is sad but i WANT to be in a room. i dont even WANT a house. i thought i did. i thought i wanted my own little place an if i could have a stand alone room on a street maybe id take my own place but i hate it. i hate doing dishes and mopping and dusting and everything. ive just now figured out how to keep one single room tidy and organized and it makes me feel very good. 

what am i doing? he called me king of the losers. i am. i am king of the losers - of all the shitty art people trying to make a “career” from being an artist; i’m the top of the line. there are “artists” doing better than me but out of all the losers who arent, i’m the top. and i choose to remain this way because i cannot stand the attention, i canno stand being a leader and i am on the precipice of something that i know i can make huge which i do not think even my “subjects” realize what that means. if i believe something will happen - it almost always does. it means i have the confidence and drive to make it happen. its not even happenstance - i know exactly what to do, what cards to play and i feel like i’m there right now. i could take my next step above king of the losers but why? why? what will i get? acknowledgment for the work i did, people will “like me”, maybe i’ll get some money - maybe it’ll go so far that it’ll be of value to something bigger that wants a piece of it and i’ll be bought out like similar projects before me. but why? what in the hell do i care? how do i define “glory” or “success” and is this it? i’m literally twiddling my thumbs with this. i’m biding my time between this and the next “big thing” - the “serious” one. 

so why cant i follow him? if i finally get the benefits i’ve been waiting for, they’re only applicable in this province. i will have to reapply in a province that contains the amount of people currently living in this city almost four months after finally getting it here. although i have no family now, i will be literally half way across the country from anything i have ever known for the entire 27 years of my life whch is extremely terrifying right now. i dont know if i even want to leave this city right now. i just dont know. what do i do with the cats? take them half way across the country? in a pick up truck? 

what helped my consideration was the proposal .. of well a literal proposal. but not so much out of love - but a contract, an agreement between us that when we were “done”, he would pay for me to return to my home province. like itll be my job to find a place to live at but i want him to pay for my return because i know with or without a job ill be able to find some cash when i get back but getting back with my shit would be super hard and i just want to know that the hardest part for me is taken care of so i always have “freedom” to return to what i know. imagine being stuck halfway across the country because we broke up? losing all my shit? having to beg & borrow to get back to anything familiar? i dont want alimony - in fact i think this is the prenup agreement. i get nothing at all except my moving expenses covered which i think is kind of beneficial to him too - he wont have to see me or keep me around any longer than necessary. i dont know if we can legally sign an agreement that says this otherwise which is why i stupidly think maybe we sould just secretly get married to enforce the fact he cant just get up and walk away without taking care of things with me unless hes really shitty about it. its not about beig forever taken care of either - even if i have the money to move i think its fair after everything to just be able to get back an start my own life again without a major struggle. like if i give up my whole life here to go there, the least i can get is my shit sent back and a plane ticket.

but then - i dont want to take a plane alone. i mean, to get there. if he decides to road trip himself with the truk and has no reason to return he may just want to send me a ticket and i’m absolutely not ready for such things not even in six months - okay for therapeutic purposes ill say MAYBE in six months but honestly im still trying to get on a bus to toronto let alone an airplane to another province. i love him but i honestly think id refuse to get on a plane by myself. especially if i had gone through the stress of giving up the cats or hoosing to move or even leave for a significant period of time. he also has ties there and i dont and i feel like i’ll be _the_ goth girl of the province. like the entire province, i’ll be _the_ goth girl. but maybe i’m assuming and stereotyping - maybe theres a whole scene of people there i also dont want to fucking know. 

but what if this is the thing? what if this is that turning point in my life where i say fuck it and i just do a thing and see where it takes me in this life that WITH OR WITHOU A DECISION ill still be living here for the next many decades and that’s really hard to fathom. like some days i think that “okay tomorrow imjust going to bus back to my building in bramalea and say hi to my dad and chill in my room & smoke some weed”. actually, honestly, alot of days. maybe every other day this real genuine feeling of being able to do this overtakes me an i feel very saddened by it. i will never be able to do that and that is nuts. but maybe part of it is living so close. doing the same things. living the same life. this isnt a life i made, this is a life that became. 

maybe if i could take the cats i’d be more stoked on it but even i think it’s impossible. i dont know. i’m just going to try and plow ahead on my own thing - like i had been doing and reassess myself in the new year. maybe ill find “success” and within it “independence” where ill find what i have too valuable to give up. maybe nothing will change ill be desperate to find something different. 

i didnt feel good though. like, i have some insomnia which usually bothers me but i know i napped late yesterday and ran out of weed and it’s okay. i knew i’d figure something out and if iwas soooooo desperate i couldve hit a dab. but it wasnt about the weed. the lack of weed didnt give me anxiety and i sort of sat back and witnessed myself cycle through my patterns of anxiety until i had made myself upset enough to cry. im not sure i had a real reason to. but all of these things weighed heavily on my mind and i wasnt able to talk about them and maybe now even this is something to think about on my own - if i wouldnt leave the province without him, should i go with him? it’s a truly independent decision and if i want to “follow”, it’s my responsibility to decide these things in order to be able to “follow”. the lack of weed perhaps made my usual level of anxiety harder to handle and although i tried, it was still going. eventually i began to think of christmas and how he’d be gone and if i didnt go with him we’d break up and just everything that could follow did and i wanted to leave. it was the middle of the night an i was upset and i wanted to go home

but i know this gives him anxiety.  i know we’ve argued about going home after dark even. but i decided to follow the “switch” - i’m 27 years old and in no way bound to this person. theyve done numerous things far worse and i was essentially sitting beside them in the dark for hours on end for their benefit. i got dressed but it took me another 45 minutes to decide to leave. i thought id regret it - get half way there and feel stupid. maybe itd be really cold. but once i got on my bike i felt like i could breathe - i took back control. i feel like i panic at a sense of losing control of my own life. like i can lose control of situations but if i cannot atleaast control my own life and how i live, it causes panic attacks. once i felt in control i felt freedom - a freedom i didnt have to pay for. which is a really significant thing to think about. 

i dont hate him. maybe this is not about him because he has all the right in the world to decide these things because we are two individual people moving forward and we have to decide on certain things to allow each other to exist in each others lives. i realized if he was going to the store with our friend he’d probably get up early to go which meant i’d be sitting aroun waiting while he showered and ate breakfast so i could be dropped off at home for a few hours. i decided i might as well skip the morning routine and get in a few hours of sleep. he’s supposed to take me pumpkin picking later which i am excited for but right now honestly im most excited for the small sliver of comfort i created for myself. 

[wanderrrrrrrrrrrlust-blog]

Greek Life

So I said I’d get back to this sooner or later. I decided sooner. It’s taken me a while to talk about this but I think it’s time.

I crossed in Fall 2011 and boy when I say I loved greek life - I freaking loved it. but not for the stupid stereotypical reasons. We did so much, we had events every single week, whether it was a philanthropy, fundraiser or sisterhood. It was a constant thing. And I LOVED it. I got to see my friends almost daily and I felt like I was part of something bigger. Of course I also had my fun, I went out every weekend and made new friends every single time. Greek life is an endless pit of networking connections and friendships. It was amazing. No matter what fraternity I was hanging out with, I met great people and friends and every weekend I got to hang out with my best friends. I got to go to different schools across the midwest and had fun. Isn’t that what college was suppose to be all about?

But not only did I get to have fun, I gained invaluable skills and knowledge. I held pretty much every single executive board position in my chapter and pretty much every single position, give or take a few. And it’s a wonder since I was actually inactive my first year after I crossed. Granted my chapter was small, I mean so small I could count my actives on one hand most of my years as an active. It was ridiculous but probably the most fun I’ve ever had in my life. It was probably also the most frustrating and stressful times as well.

Would I take it back? Now there is the million dollar question. For 5 beautiful years I was head over heels in love with my organization. No matter how annoying, stressful or frustrating times got, I loved being a Sister. I literally got a high off of meeting new sisters and being around them during our national conference, people thought I was on drugs. But no, I was just so excited to see old faces and meet new sisters. The saying “from the outside, you can’t understand it, from the inside you can’t explain it” never rang truer. I pour my heart and soul into the organization, my blood, sweat and tears.

Now after all that, you’re probably asking, “why the hell are you thinking of leaving then?” well, I can’t explain that. Just like I couldn’t explain my feeling and love for the organization. See, for a while i was unhappy. Truly, truly unhappy. And the people who I use to feel like were my best friends, the ones who could take me out of my unhappiness....slowly became the source of my unhappiness. I felt....also....abandoned? I felt like I was cut out of a lot of peoples lives because of some drama that had happened. But even before all the drama, I had already felt almost a wall between me and a lot of people.

But then as my year as president....I felt unappreciated....I didn’t feel respected by people I thought cared about me and wanted me to be their president. I felt extremely disrespected and unheard by this group of people. People I thought had my back. People I never thought would treat me this way. So along with my severe depression and all those emotions, I pulled away from people. And there was a lot of tension, anger and disagreements.

At the end - I lost a lot of people and I felt the connection between myself and this organization break. But I held on for dear life for about a year. I didn’t want to let go because how could I let go of something I loved so much for 5 years of my life. But as this year progressed and I just kept thinking about this organization....the more I felt like an outsider and like I didn’t even belong in it.

Now that sounded stupid right? Like I didn’t belong? Obviously if i was in it, I belonged right? Well no, see if you ever spoke to any of the other sisters in this organization, they’ll know what I mean when I say it just felt almost right, like it was destiny for me to be apart of such an organization. I felt at home. Happy. Content? But ever since my last year, I’ve felt more and more unhappy....discontent...like this wasn’t my home anymore. It didn’t feel right. Simple as that. 

So I spoke to a lot, and when i say a lot, I mean a lot of people I felt close to in this organization about how i was feeling. I needed a second opinion, maybe I was just being crazy and this depression of mine was just taking over my life. To my surprise, I learned that there were quite a few people in this organization who felt like this organization was not for them anymore either. but they listened to me and helped me process my thoughts and feelings. Of course in the end, they told me it was my decision and I had to decide what was right for me. Again, I was confused and so conflicted. Do I leave or stay? I mean I spent so many years working so hard for this organization. If I leave, all that gets erased and it’ll be like I never existed. But if I stay, will I ever feel the same again? I have such a fear that once I leave, I’ll regret it. And once it’s done, it’s done. There’s no going back. One of my best friend (ironically a sister of this organization) once said I have such a love/hate relationship with this organization and it’s true.

There are days I hate being apart of such an organization and I don’t feel proud to be a Sister, I feel almost ashamed? But there are days I do feel proud and happy to be apart of such an organization. So how do I decide what’s right for me when my feelings change every single damn day.

There is so much keeping me to this organization, in my five years, I accomplished so much in this organization but I think my proudest, proudest achievements would have to be my littles and my greek kids. I have three littles. well technically. Let’s just say two probably wishes they never had me as a big and probably wishes I was gone from this organization. But one, I feel pretty confident still likes me. (Let’s hope right? LOL) Now I can say all this jokingly but for about a good year, I would cry almost daily about the conditions of my relationships with these three. But I have learned to try to let it all go and try be more calm about all this? Anyways, regardless of our relationship, those three make me the proudest big. With not only the things they do within the organization but outside, academically, personally and all. I don’t think I could love my littles more than I do. And as I have realized my mistakes with them all, I appreciate them more and more. And then theres the six little headaches I get to call my greek kids. Those six are the most ambitious, hardworking, selfless, kindest, sweetest, most loving, people I know. I could go on and on about those six. I love them all so much and although we’ve all had our ups and downs (who hasn’t in any relationship) they are my pride and joy. Many of them are my best friends who I feel like I could go to for anything, with my deepest and darkest secrets. I feel so blessed, proud and thankful they are in my life and I get to call them my kids.

But if I leave...they won’t be my kids anymore..and they won’t be my littles anymore. I don’t know how I feel about that. I have to take into account that if I leave and I’m not longer a sister, as much as I try...some..if not most of those relationships will change forever...and I will probably lose of people. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for that. But again the question that keeps popping into my mind is if I happy. Am I happy? I honestly don't know.

This past June was our national conference and I didn’t attend....in my 5 and a half years....I have never once missed a national conference. But I couldn’t bear to go to this one and pretend like everything was peachy fine and I was reppin’ those letters with the proudest heart and the happiest smile. I couldn’t pretend i was on the same page as all of my other sisters. Now I couldn’t resist not seeing a few of my favorite people in this organization...so I decided to sneak in during the first day....which wasn’t really anything. It was just friday, the day everyone arrives to the hotel...gets settled...gets their conference package and heads out for the night. Now....I was nervous. SO NERVOUS so I decided to day drink. And when I mean day drink...I mean get FUCKED UP at noon....on a friday....LOL.

Now don’t judge me. Because it wasn’t my intent. At first I was just drinking to get rid of some jitters of seeing some people (aka the littles that hate me) and then it became fun, I was with my best friend and kid, some funny and great sisters from other chapters. So I decided to DOWN those shots and I don’t mean those little itty bitty shots, I mean I took freaking SHOTS, probably double shots because I simply just poured a few fingers into a couple and chugged it.But this was suppose to help me feel more relaxed and not like a fake imposter among my sisters. But I guess once I got started...I didn’t stop because I get WASTED...I mean WASTED... and I don’t actually remember much from that day....except that I began to bawl my eyes out to my closest friends. I called other friends...it was a disaster...so thank the lord I don’t remember. But that really spoke to me. I mean, come on. I couldn’t handle a few simple hours with my sisters, I had to intoxicate myself beyond words? Really? A few weeks later and I still don’t know what to do, I don’t know what I said during that day but I always get a sick feeling when I think about the day and it makes me wonder.....should I stay? I mean actions speak louder than words...and my actions have definitely spoken loudly enough. But my mind and heart keeps preventing me from making a decision.

Now if you’ve made it this far into my crazy crazy rant....let me know what you think I should do.

xoxo