#alternatecesarkin

[alternate-cesar]

Face Picking.

Photo Credits:

Face 1 Face 2 Hand 1 Hand 2 Eye 1 & Teeth Eye 2

[fictionkinfessions]

ohhh the jobs thing sounds fun. i'm an alternate cesar (mandela catalogue) working at a thrift store! if i had a nickel for everytime i saw an old push button/rotary dial phone that i wanted to buy so so badly but was gone by the end of my shift, i'd have enough money to. idk. buy a burger? nickels aren't worth much but it happens like once a week. (#🪞🌹)

📦

[alternate-cesar]

making a source call i guess!

i'm an alternate cesar from the mandela catalogue looking for mark heathcliff, cesar torres, cesar's mom, and sarah heathcliff specifically. i'm open to speaking to any sourcemates as well, including doubles (i might be a bit awkward with alternate gabriels but i'm willing to talk).

i'm fictionkin but i'm open to talking to fictives! i'm also open to talking to both spiritual and psychological kin.

i'm 20 so please only reach out if you're 18 or older.

i don't really have many detailed memories, and most of them are visual, but i'm pretty sure i was more or less canon compliant. i do have art of those memories i'm willing to share in dms. i'm looking for any sourcemates, though, not just canonmates.

feel free to reach out no matter how much time has passed! you can like/reblog this post, send me an ask, dm me, whatever works for you!

[alternate-cesar]

i just played the game 'leave house' by AYolland and it really captures how i felt in my memories. rambling about it below (spoilers under the cut, its like a 5-10 minute play and its free, definitely recommend playing it yourself. warning for themes of unreality and depersonalization under the cut and in the game itself, though)

i am in a house. i want to leave the house, but i can't yet. i go room to room. the house is not large, yet it is infinite. there are some rooms i cannot enter, they scare me. i can go in the bathroom, it gives me a bad feeling. i leave. i am uneasy.

something happens, something changes, but i do not realize it yet. i get stuck. i try to escape, but i cannot. monotony. i try everything, i try to remember patterns. none of it works. i end up in the same place. the music is overwhelming. i am desperate. i stop looking for patterns, i just walk endlessly.

i am in a new room. i am confused, it happened so suddenly. i stop for a moment. i do not want to go in the bathroom. i go in anyways. there is a person, they fill me with dread. it speaks to me. everything collapses in on itself. the world ends. i can see, but i cannot see at the same time. there are walls were there should be none, and nothingness where there should be walls. the house is infinite, more than before.

i am nothing but a jumble of noise and colors and the need to get out, to find something i cannot name. i should not exist, but i do. i drag my body through nonexistent hallways, crawling on walls and gliding across the floor. my body is heavy, yet lighter than air. i worm through tunnels and empty space.

finally, i am out of the bathroom. i have escaped hell. i go down the stairs immediately. i do not care about anything else except the feeling of relief. of freedom. nothing else matters. i am so happy. i fall into the living room. i get stuck again. i fall into despair. everything is a blur. i run out the front door. euphoria. i sprint down the driveway as fast as my distorted limbs can allow, not once looking back. i am free.

i am in a house.

...

additional notes:

-i cannot for the LIFE of me explain what i experience in a way that makes sense, but i CAN find other things that capture the feeling and explain why i relate to those things. this game was so, so close in terms of the vibe and theme. the only differences were that the torres house was one story, and it had more open space. i also didn't encounter cesar in the bathroom, i usually saw him in hallways or from doorways because i never entered the same room as him. same for ms. torres.

-that house scared me. i never felt safe in it, even as an alternate. always looking over my shoulder. never staying in one place. even with the giddiness i knew something was wrong, and i wanted to get out of that house as soon as i could. which required killing cesar. i'm not actually sure whether or not i killed either of them, i don't remember it. but i was so desperate and hellbent to kill him that i probably did.

anyways. 10/10 game. it freaked me out because it hit very close to home, and usually i am not affected by creepy shit at all. odd mixture of comfortingly familiar and anxiety-inducing.

[alternate-cesar]

new year, new icon!!! :3

[alternate-cesar]

Formal Wear

Photo Credits:

Face 1

Face 2

Bowtie 1

Bowtie 2 & Hand

Dress Shirt + Untied Bowtie

Arms

Rose

Eyes

[fictionkinfessions]

for the fond canons ask game: i really miss mark, cesar, and ms.torres. which is ironic in a pretty horrible way because i'm pretty sure i ended up killing all of them, and i can imagine none of them want anything to do with me. but they were the only other people i "knew", and i have some of mark's memories, maybe cesar's also. i wasn't able to really "feel" anything towards them while i was in my canon, but those memories and the feelings accompanying them definitely transferred over, so i'm stuck with those now.

due to those memories i can remember sarah, even though i never met her. it is so devastating to know how much i hurt her by killing mark because i have the feelings from one of his memories of her. it definitely feels like i am reaping what i've sown. i have very complicated feelings about each of them, i carry the guilt of what i did with me everyday, and yet i never really knew any of them. but i still miss them so, so much.

…on the flip side, although i cannot remember my "gabriel", i do have lingering feelings of fear, resentment, and a twisted fondness. i do not remember any other alternate either, nor any feelings associated with them. not even the alternate outside mark's window! it's possible they were there, and i was just so stuck in my own head that i never realized i wasn't alone. very ironic that i can only remember the humans i hurt, and not the ones most people would expect me to be "family" with

-alternate cesar, from the mandela catalogue (#🪞🌹)

box

[fictionkinfessions]

Canon/ fandom-agreed canon divergences

In volume 3, the future shown that was presumed to be an alternate disguised as me, was more like an alternate disguised as Mark. I remember that much from the timeline closest to canon.

- Alt Cesar + Cesar (Mandela Catalogue)

'