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coffee-for-himchan · 7 years ago

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I Think I Can Forgive You (Jongup mafia/gang AU pt.3)

Word count: 4.3 k+ (a short one right there)

Genre/warnings: Mafia/ gang AU (Literally no warnings this time around. No violence, (hopefully) no swear words. This chapter is just a fluffy reunion)

Summary: He’d saved you, and was now standing on the edge of nowhere. You had all the rights to be mad at him. To be disgusted by the mere sight of his face, and to despise him to the last bone. Yet he wanted nothing more than to simply experience only the comfort your caring touch and loving remarks could provide. For the first time in his life, he decided to act differently - to not forcefully keep you around, but to willingly let you go. Because, after all, if you truly loved him and would be able to forgive him, you would eventually find your way back into his arms.

(A/N) Hey, the final part is finally here! I posted two parts in a day, so make sure you read part two first before reading this one! Hope you enjoy this one just as much as anything else I’ve written, and, if you haven’t done so already, check out my other mafia/gang-themed stories - at this point I have a decent amount of them, and there’s going to be more in the nearest future.

THIS IS PART 3 // PART 1 CAN BE FOUND HERE // PART 2 IS HERE

It didn’t take too long to end this. B.A.P was “The King” for a reason, after all, and soon the scenery was cleared. Before the police sirens could reach them, the six guys re-united into formation and left the scene, as if nothing had happened.

One of the six carrying a tiny, shivering frame in his arms, holding onto it as if it meant the whole world to him.

You weren’t quite aware of your surroundings at that point anymore, as nothing quite mattered. Your head felt heavy, and you simply struggled to keep your eyes open. He carried you all the way back to the base, refusing to let anyone help him even though the way back was quite long and he was exhausted, physically and emotionally. He made sure you were alright, warming you up, making you comfortable, and staying by your side, saying his first ever prayer to God that you would be alright.

And, being a little selfish, praying you would come back to him as well.

It was Himchan who you saw first the next morning. He didn’t need to introduce himself, as you’d seen him around. The base seemed to be otherwise empty, and you wondered where Jongup had gone to, but didn’t dare to ask. You were still too hurt and too afraid of him.

“I’ve arranged a few things,” Himchan told you, sitting down on the bed beside you, “And it should be enough for now.”

He gave you two keys - one for a car, and another one for an apartment. He gave you a job contract and a few documents regarding your education that he assured were accurate to your abilities. He gave you enough money to survive for the nearest future, and told you not to hesitate in case you wanted to contact him or any of the other guys about anything.

You stared at him in disbelief. Not because of the amount of ties he had with different types of people, and how fast he could settle things others couldn’t get done in months, but because he actually let you off. He’d just built you a life in less than a few hours, and simply let you off as if nothing had happened.

“And.. Jongup-ah?”

“I think he’s going to need some time,” Himchan explained, looking you in the eyes.

“Don’t get me wrong - I’m not saying he did the right thing for toying around with you like he did when you had memory loss, and I’m not defending him, as none of us are completely good guys who always act according to morals, but.. He truly loves you, the way he’s never loved anyone before. I could tell you all about him - how his family died, and how he got forced to be a part of a gang. How he betrayed them afterwards for ruining his life, and how I took him in, hoping to somehow be able to mend his pain, and succeeding to some extents. How he lost his brother just a little while ago, and many other things.. He’s been though more than simply “a lot”, and I’m not trying to make you pity him or anything, because pity is the thing he hates the most anyways. Just know he may have a few screws missing, but that’s only because life had been harsh to him, not sparing any of the people who truly mattered to him. His heart, when needed, is still in the right place. And he simply wanted to keep you by his side and keep you safe this whole time.”

Before you knew it, you were dropped off at the new place by no other than Himchan. Yongguk had joined along to help sort the last things out, but there was no sight of the other four. You glanced up at the two men unpacking a few things from boxes and setting the contents of those up, as well as taking calls and planning out the rest of the things you would still need. Maybe it was because these two were the only ones who could truly be considered men, the other four simply still being little boys at heart. You almost caught yourself smiling at the thought of Jae and Dae fighting over who will carry what box, and Junhong standing in the middle of this mess quietly, patiently waiting for any orders from Bang before moving. And Jongup, stealing kisses every time he passed by, being the last addition that really made this place seem like home.

Not. That had been a lie, and it will forever be. It was in the past.

By afternoon you had a new life set up for you completely. Himchan and Yongguk left at around four, saying their goodbyes as if they were seeing you for the last time in their lives. Which, at this point, was a possibility that could happen.

“It’s up to you to decide what you’re going to do now,” Himchan told you right before leaving, having Yongguk nod at each and single one of his statements, “All of this is yours now, without any consequences or anything. Let this be a gift, we’re quite nice actually, if we want to be. As for Jongup..”

He trailed off, knowing this was a hard topic for everybody. You didn’t know where Jongup was or what he was doing at that moment, but you would’ve never guessed he was still sitting at the base, without a place to go back to now, his face buried deep in his hands as he tried to hold in the mixture of frustration and sorrow. You weren’t aware of how much he regretted all he did, and you didn’t know how he simply wished none of this had ever happened.

Not because he was immensely hurting now - he didn’t quite care about that. Because you were.

“He will always be waiting, you know,” Himchan smiled sadly, knowing he could talk on and on for ages about it, but it would be still up to you to decide if you ever wanted to see him again, “But he won’t be coming after you himself. If you ever feel like you’ll be able to forgive him.. Even if not fully, but at least to some extent..”

“He would love to see you again. You’re the only person he’ll be waiting for,” Yongguk finished it for Himchan, making him sigh in relief a little. Good thing Yongguk knew how to cut Himchan’s long, emotional speeches off at the right moment.

At first you decided to sleep it off, because you were still so tired, which lead to you waking up at 3 AM and not being able to fall asleep again. Strolling through the still unfamiliar apartment, you found yourself slightly shivering and sneezing. The cold from yesterday had really done it’s thing, but Himchan was aware of that, and had already arranged a doctor’s visit for the next morning for you, so you figured you had nothing to worry about.

Sitting in the kitchen and sipping of tea, you couldn’t help but let your mind wander back to Jongup.

He would’ve be right there, by your side - that is, if none of this had ever happened. His eyes would be falling shut, and you’d chuckle softly, telling him to go to bed and sleep it out. But he would insist, wrapping his arms around your waist and leaning his head against yours, not letting you have any type of negative thoughts at such a late hour, cutting his precious sleep short in order to stay up with you. He would make sure you were alright before doing anything else, and you would thank all of the higher forces that made you end up with him at some point.

How comes you kept thinking that it would’ve been better to never remember and simply continue living a lie?

After all, the incident had only sparked your memories of the first time you saw him - the time you were simply going back from a family gathering, and happened to stumble upon the wrong people at the wrong time. He could’ve gotten hurt, and he had absolutely no need to save you back then. But, for some reason, he still did. You remember feeling scared by how sharp his aim was, and a little disgusted by the fact he enjoyed dropping bodies to the floor, but.. His chest seemed like such a safe place, and you also recalled clinging onto him. Not begging him for help or anything, but still receiving some.

It all came back to you - all of those moments spent together, and suddenly you realized he hadn’t done a single bad thing to harm you during this whole time. He was super sweet and patient. Awkwardly cute. A little out of this world, and you’d constantly tease him about it, but he knew you loved it nonetheless.

He let you take your time. Made sure you were comfortable with everything before doing it. Always put himself out there to a hundred percent, and each day loved you just the way you craved to be loved. He had no issues changing up paces, and would never complain if you wanted to take a different approach than he did.

The thought of him left you crying in the middle of the night in the kitchen, as he hadn’t done anything bad or wrong. Except of lying to you, and not telling you he was a cold-blooded gang member and killer instead of the guy next door you always thought he was. And you wondered - should you really trust yourself with all of these thoughts you were having?

After all, the background information might have been fake, but his love for you wasn’t. And neither was your love for him.

Unlike the flowers in the vase that was placed on the kitchen table in front of you, your feelings for him wouldn’t wilt. He’d made his existence in your heart and soul way too vivid and too permanent. You knew all of this was for the better - he wasn’t worth it, probably. Wasn’t worth the pain and the doubts. Yet you knew you wouldn’t be able to fully let him go, no matter how much time passed.

He’d told you that you’d forever be his babygirl, and there was no point in lying and saying he wouldn’t always remain your Jongup-ah.

Days passed, and Jongup kept staying at the base. He had no intentions or desire to move or do anything, as the only reason he kept going on had seemingly faded away from his life completely. Himchan would nag and poke at him, but eventually realize it was completely useless. They had a hard time at first, dealing with different unpleasant situations without Jongup present, but Himchan knew better than to hurry him and his emotional healing up. Whenever one of the guys gave a piece of their minds on how they were out there, risking their lives while Jongup was at the base, doing nothing but staring at the ceiling, Himchan would always shut them up. He knew all Jongup needed was time, and was willing to give all of it to him so he could properly recover.

It took three months.

Jongup sighed, hearing a knock at his door. This new place Youngjae had found seemed to be just a little smaller than his old one, and was located in a quite nice, little, but most of all - quiet - neighborhood, but it still didn’t seem like it could ever become a place he could consider calling “home”. It was a place the guys had forcefully got him to live in, since his constant presence at the base had become a little irritating, and he hated the fact he was made to come and stay here by the others, but he knew they were right. It looks like it was about time to move on.

He ran a hand through his hair, quickly glancing at himself in the nearby mirror before going to answer the door. His hair had sure grown out a little, and even though he’d cut it again recently, he hadn’t dyed it again, and wasn’t completely sure if he liked this black-roots aesthetic that he had going on now. But hey - maybe this was a sign as well. Maybe when all the jet blue hair would grow out and he’d cut it all off, he’d be able to let go of the fact he’d be left with boring, natural black again.

Maybe you’d slowly “grow your way out” of his heart as well, although he doubted it more and more every passing second. It was absurd comparing his love for you with a hair color. He could dye his hair all he wants to, but he couldn’t get you back that easy. You had to eventually come around yourself if you wanted to.

He rolled up his sleeves, not bothering to take a look at who was standing on the other side of the door. In his line of work, that was a quite dangerous thing to do, but he could care less. No one knew he was here anyways, at this point, at least. So, this was probably either Himchan or Youngjae, as they had both turned into some type of personal psychiatrists over the last months, irritating Jongup slightly with their never ending question and worry, but making him glad someone cared.

He opened the door right as he heard something falling and hitting the ground behind him, making him direct his stare at the box that had just crashed onto the floor. Too bad he’d gotten a load of new things for the apartment earlier this morning, and had spent most of the day unpacking them and setting them up. Praying that wasn’t one of the lamps, he slowly turned his head back to the slightly opened door, just to be met with a pair of the most beautiful eyes in the universe.

All of his senses left his body for a second, making him paralyzed and unable to breathe or move. His eyes watched the ones in front of him in disbelief, remembering the last time he saw the same sight in front of him. Except then the only thing those eyes displayed was utter fear and confusion, as well as deep hurt and sadness, completely opposite from the emotions displayed in them now.

“Hey, Jongup-ah..”

Jongup-ah. His thoughts kept screaming at him that he had to respond, but he was simply unable to do so. You were right there in front of him, at a distance he could reach and touch you with ease, without even stretching his arm out fully. So what was it that made him stay in place and kept him from basically throwing himself at you?

“H-hey.. B-babyg-.. I mean, (Y/N)..”

You smiled warmly at him, recognizing this sight from somewhere. It didn’t take you long to remember the day you saw him at the hospital, with the same plaid shirt hanging around his frame and making him look like he was straight out of a magazine, even though the clothing item itself was so ordinary it hurt - he just somehow knew how to make it look amazing on him. His stare was just as confused and lost as the first time you locked eyes with him, and, just the same as then, he was clueless on what to do. Except this time around he wasn’t this lost and nervous because he had to tell a perfect lie, no. This time around he was seemingly given a chance to fix up his lies and mistakes, and he patiently stood there, waiting for any further events or actions.

“I heard you had gotten a new place..” you said, looking away shyly and scratching the back of your head as he watched you, completely astonished by the fact you’d managed to forgive him enough to at least come and say a few words to his face.

“Yeah, I couldn’t quite stay in the old one, sadly.. It’s been ruined beyond belief as well, so there was no point in trying to keep it anyways.” Only now you noticed how he’d changed over this short amount of time. How he looked the way he really was - as if life had taken him in first, giving him a nice and warm place to stay at before throwing him out on the street without anything left, breaking a few of his bones in the process and telling him there was no one ever who could love him, because he was a monster. His face displayed utter tiredness - the one you couldn’t simply sleep off, and for some reason he seemed to have become more buff as well. Little did you know that the only thing keeping him from throwing tantrums on most evenings or crying himself to sleep were physical activities.

“You’d been there since then?”

“Only once. I wanted to pick up a few things,” he said, feeling his voice cracking mid-sentence a little, “Some paperwork that I needed. There was still a gun or two around, one of them being my father’s old one - a valued possession in my family.. There were still some of our pictures on the walls, I couldn’t leave them there either..”

It was another moment in time, where you considered if he’d break down or not. Figuring out he wouldn’t, you still thought his face displayed more than well the fact he wanted to do it so badly - to let shaky sobs escape him while he, himself, clung onto your frame desperately, pleading you not to leave. Making sure you wouldn’t slip away again.

“What happened to “babygirl”, by the way? Didn’t you say I’ll always be your babygirl?” you saw him running his fingers through his hair once again, tilting his head up not to let a tear slip.

Nothing had happened to her, as she was right there. Standing in front of him, and giving him a clear chance. A chance to let her know.

“Babygirl, I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done.” // “Jongup-ah, it’s okay. I think I can forgive you.”

Those two sentences left your mouths simultaneously, and left both of you a little shocked. You’d kind of expected to hear something among those lines from him, but he didn’t think he’d ever hear those words escape your mouth ever again, so when he did, he didn’t know how to react.

“Say that again.”

“I think I can forgive you,” you quietly announced, starting to feel a little awkward. He was still so hesitant about this, and you knew his reasons. He had hurt you badly, and made sure you came back to him by yourself. He made sure he wasn’t getting in your way on purpose or putting pressure on you, and made sure to give you tons of space. He stayed away, and waited, knowing if you’d forgive him you’d come and find him yourself, and if not, you’d lead a happy life somewhere else, without having destruction itself by your side to keep you company in the evenings. He was okay with anything you chose. As long as it made you happy.

The tear slipped, leaving a trail behind as it slowly slid down his cheek, and you hesitantly lifted your hand up a bit, flinching a little as you carefully wiped it away because of how hot his skin seemed against your cold hand. Letting your hand rest there, you waited. Not knowing if it was appropriate to do anything else yet, but hoping he’d take the initiative soon enough.

“B-babygirl,” he quietly muttered before leaning down a little, wrapping his arms tightly around you and burying his face in the crook of your neck. You’d noticed that you both had been standing right in the middle of the doorway only when he pulled you inside his home fully, letting the door shut behind you itself. If it was for any other occasion, you’d tell him to take it easier on you, as his grip had always seemed rather firm and a little too bone-crushing, his recent routine of training not helping to solve that issue at all, but this time around you didn’t mind. You knew he needed this badly.

You felt yourself being pinned back against the door, and lifted your head up a little, poking at his ear with you nose as he refused to show his face to you, keeping it buried in your soft skin. There were more tears coming out of him, you were certain - if the few constant shaky sobs weren’t enough of an indicator, the feeling of something wet hitting you collarbone every once in a while was.

“Jongup-ah, take it easy,” you cooed at him, holding him by the waist with one arm while your other hand trailed up to be gently placed on the back of his head, “It’s alright, do you hear?”

And he did a told, just as always when the commands came from you. It took him some time to collect himself, but when he did and finally managed to look up at you, his eyes showed relief, and the smile displayed on his face indicated that the burden he’d been carrying for so long now had finally been taken off of his shoulders.

“I’ve become so emotional recently, I don’t even know why,” he chuckled a little, making you chuckle as well, knowing he’d finally let the situation sink in, “Or rather, I don’t know what to do about it. I just keep on crying.”

“Just don’t show it to the guys, they might tease you about it,” you told him, poking his nose with yours and making him smile a little wider.

“Let this be our secret, okay?”

“Okay,” you answered before feeling it was the right moment to show him to what extent he was forgiven.

The moment you kissed him, you remembered why you decided to show up here in first place. Why you decided to go and see him, heading down to his old apartment first just to find out he hadn’t been there since that faithful night anymore. Why you decided to contact Himchan in order to ask him where Jongup was, and why, despite all of your sane thoughts that kept screaming at you to turn and run away, you ended up here. In his arms, with his mouth on yours yet again.

He was far from being a good guy. He wasn’t all that emotionally stable, which is exactly the thing that made him so dangerous. He had lied to you, more than you could’ve ever imagined, and you knew all of that.

But he had loved you as well, and would always do so. He’d saved you to begin with, and did it a few more times in the process. He kept you safe and well. He took care of you and let you be the only person to see him the way he truly was - without any additional fakery or facades around him.

He let you see the true Jongup-ah you had fallen in love with, and the one, no matter who he was and what he did, you wanted to have by your side. Forever.

“I’ll make it all up,” he said in between kisses, making you chuckle, “I really will. I don’t know how you can even fix something like this up, but I will find a way. Babygirl, I’ll make you believe me again. I’ll prove myself to the fact I won’t ever lie to you again-”

��One step at a time,” you cut him off with another sweet kiss, holding his face close to yours after your lips parted again, “Let’s start off slow and easy, okay?”

“Take a rest, Jongup-ah, and don’t break your head over sorting everything out all at once. Your mind has been running circles recently and it isn’t going to be good for your health or well-being.”

“But I have to make you trust me first,” he said, looking at your smiling face with eyes that displayed seriousness, “Otherwise I won’t be able to function properly because you’ll still think that all I ever told you was lies.”

“I have my reasons to assume that, you know. My mind was telling me to let you go, but my heart refused. And you know why?” you smiled a little more as you saw him shaking his head in disapproval, as he felt like there wasn’t anything about him special enough for you to come back to him.

“There might still be many aspects I don’t know about. Many things I have no clue of, or am uncertain about. But two things I know for sure - one being the fact that you love me with all of your fucked up heart,” Jongup couldn’t suppress the chuckle that escaped him after hearing you say it out loud. Himchan, that bastard. He must’ve told you.

“And what about the other?”

“The other thing I know for sure it that despite everything, my feelings for you are true as well, because you made me develop them right there and then over our short amount of time spent together. They’re memories that weren’t simply told to me and that I had to believe, but memories I gathered myself along the way. You made me fall in love with you, Jongup-ah. By deeds and not untrue statements and words without meaning.”

“..And, through everything that will still come out way, let me stay by your side and simply help me remember. All of the wrong turns so we won’t ever take another one.”

That night he returned to the base, just to pick up a few personal belongings he wanted to have at home rather than there. No one besides Himchan seemed to be there, and, as he saw Jongup just casually picking up his things and leaving instead of trying to mend his pain and anger with physical activities or trainings to get better at his aim, he questioned him about it. But there was no need to do so, as it was already written all across his face. All noticeable in the way he smiled truly for the first time in months - smiled as if the world was nothing but a playground, and he was a little kid, left unattended by his parents and, even though in danged of hurting himself at every obstacle, still climbed everywhere and simply had a lot of fun. Living it to the fullest.

“She’s back, Himchan hyung. She’s back.”

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