#also yes leaving the Japanese characters black was a stylistic choice

[what-the-fuck-khr]

what-the-fuck-khr’s most popular sky is tsunayoshi! he won with 38.6% out of 10 characters!

[sugar-petals]

Hey. As I said in my previous ask, I think you are so darn smart, and I love your writing skills. If it's not going to bother... Could you, please, read my recent oneshot (akai-ito)? I need honest opinions on it, mainly coming from someone who writes and has no sentimental connection with me. (Only if it's not going to bother you) Thank you :)

Honest and a writer 😄 You’re at the right address I’m thinking. For a sweet please and Yoongi fics I’d probably do anything. The infamous review it is. I employ my classic critique structure (title-description-plot-characterization-grammar-dialogue), as always with strengths and improvement points, hope it is helpful, and here we go. 

Title: As most pieces on your m.list, you possess good sense when it comes to selecting what catches the eye and stays memorable. Definitely unique and a summary of the story, although much like with ishin-denshin, it took me a while to figure out what it’s about. That can be a strength (innovation/tension!) or a weakness (confusion). Make use of the former by giving the reader bread crumbs. Authors have to play Hansel and Grethel as we say here in Germany. For instance, maybe you’ve seen it, some fic writers give definitions to foreign or complex words under the title right away, maybe you can drop at least a hint about the yarn and that the idea is from a manga/series, important crediting there. Something else that might also be relevant according to recent events, be careful there with using Japanese words should you not be a native speaker. The Ariana Grade tattoo effect is very real and a slippery slope. Solution: Best clarify everything at the start, or make a disclaimer. Other than that, you don’t need much advice with titles imo, never change a running system.

Description: It strikes me that you are an advanced writer. There’s solid attention to detail. Definitely keep that up. The common downside, and here is the crux, is trailing off. Bear in mind to tailor detail according to relevance versus background story and worldbuilding. Each piece needs to interlink with something else sooner or later, repetition matters as an emotional anchor. That’s the extra mile to go and the step from advanced to senior writer. The key to describing, unless your name is Oscar Wilde, is often linearity. You can only break it up once you’ve mastered it. Good news, I think you’re already getting there. I see things like consistent tense, great syntax variation, and a POV switch at the right point in time.

Plot: What you are excellent at is creating ups and downs. A lot of effort went into this. That can’t be messed with. An important component, however, is missing. Most authors turn defensive when I point it out so I’ll word it step by step and show a trick to solve it. The alpha and omega of Caro’s advice remains nailing a character’s actions to hook the reader, not just during the smut scenes. A crucial example: The boss firing Jade is not placed at the start — as the most dramatic event in the earlier sequences — and thus loses momentum. It’s a well-orchestrated event and twist, that’s why it’s so essential to add emphasis. The characterizations + foreshadowing that led up to it are proper. But it has to come down like a hammer; not with indirect phrases that make it seem like something trite. Which it is not given how dear work is to Jade as a comfort zone. You describe her leaving angry, but not her face, what she does, the environment, other characters. It’s only trailing off into a semi-monologue with background information that should be self-evident through things that happened earlier. I want to see the hammer. You only bring it in the dialogue but there, it’s secondary to the verbatim of the characters, as it should be, mind you. Solution: Draw the hands-on sentences from the dialogue into the plot. Then we’re good to go. Problem solved.

Characterization: Little to no objections here on the other hand, very well done. It’s one of the pillars of your writing. I’ll tell you why it is good. It maps out the different lifestyles from your characters which creates a nice contrast, especially with Jade’s concerns in life, and her core motivation (stability). Yoongi’s portrayal impressed me, too. All quite effortless. Even the names themselves, I quite like them, brings a lot of pizzazz. Definitely use them often, things like “the skinny man”, “the woman”, “the dark-haired female” are best converted into simple adjectives for description along the way. The Chaos Club: Also a good idea to have.

Grammar: Pretty salient, I see it in the way you chop your subclauses which I love. Not much to improve except the bit with caps. If you want to use texting sequences in your fic, definitely don’t hesitate. It may read as off in the paragraph but sits just right in a written message exchange. Which also depicts reality well. Now, the reason why I have issues with caps is that you only need them once emphasis is not clear enough through context. You can test out whether italics are a more sophisticated fit, it depends on the scene. If someone yells, incorporate that in the description, put an exclamation mark — yes, the old-fashioned way, I’m a conservative critic I know, it’s annoying. The only caps you need are the ones for saying korean - nations always with capital, geography pun intended. No other grammar concerns, that’s basically it.

Dialogue: Interesting how you use hyphens there. It’s much like everything about your style, very much in its own bubble. That can be a good sign of authenticity. Took a while to get accustomed to it for me, but it’s a stylistic and individual choice, whatever works best and is comfortable. The reason why I probably missed the quotations marks is not an aesthetic one, but because the words of the characters blend into description quite seamlessly. It’s hard to picture their voices that way. What other readers think about it, maybe gather some more opinions how they get by with the hyphens. If I were to use them, my trick for next time writing would be to start a new line for each particle of speech while the description is not attached after the hyphen. It makes it very deliberate and sets pace, too. It gets rid of ‘said’ quite conveniently and brings out stronger verbs. As in:

The man binned his cellphone in one of the back pockets.– Nice to meet you, Jade. 

That has suspense and sex appeal. See how it differs from the original:

– Nice to meet you, Jade. - The man said and binned his cellphone in one of the back pockets.

Apart from that, something else to improve in dialogue is not stating the very obvious sometimes, but letting readers put things together in their head. That’s harder when Jade uses the exact tone of the narrator and not her own. Examples: ‘I’m visibly punchy’, ‘Before listening to his depressive songs and staring at his cute eyes and cheeks, I was satisfied with my nonexistent romantic life, now I’m considering the idea of nurturing a very dirty business.’, ‘I never felt another warm sensation other than tears, whilst watching some emotional crap on Netflix’. Dialogue does well contrasting to how the story is told. Bring all the slang, make it fragmented like real speech, fuck it up, it’s the fun part. You do have the registers and pull them off, that’s not the issue, only finding the right place to use them is the challenge. 

Other: Something funny happened. I missed the URL mention and thought Jade was an OC and not an existing person! 😅 Took some time until I managed to immerse myself in the story because I’m not used to seeing singular users inserted as readers. It’s one-to-one and hard to get into as an outsider, which surely is not the purpose, but it would help to understand who Jade is in relation to you, and how the fic idea came about. That can be quite entertaining as well in the author’s notes. That being said, she is living the dream and being Yoongi biased myself I feel rather envious which means you achieved plausibility in your fic. Maybe it’s because he has black hair and round cheeks in it. Am very endeared. 

PS: I get paid in fic reblogs for reviews 😉 Am half kidding. Speaking of the devil, for the love of my dash, please insert a keep reading so I can reblog. 

[aevyternal]

really  LONG  CHARACTER  SURVEY.  RULES.  repost ,   don’t  reblog  !    tag  10  ! good  luck  !

Tagged: @narcasse [ thank yoooou~ ]

Tagging: Anyone that’d like to!

BASICS.

FULL  NAME : Ebony Redgrave / Avianna Ebba Kidal

NICKNAME/S :  Ebs, Eb, Ebby, Snow White, Dove

AGE : 69

BIRTHDAY : February 28

ETHNIC  GROUP : Swedish

NATIONALITY :   American

LANGUAGE/S :   English, Swedish, French, Spanish, Italian, Portuguese, bits of Japanese, Korean & other languages due to her work travels.

SEXUAL  ORIENTATION :  Heterosexual 

ROMANTIC  ORIENTATION :   Demi-romantic

RELATIONSHIP  STATUS :   Single

CLASS : Wealthy/Upper/1%

HOME TOWN / AREA :   Born in Lidingö, grew up in Birmingham

CURRENT  HOME : Various vacation homes/apartments around different cities & countries, mainly resides in one of her two homes in New York, more often the penthouse in New York, New York.

PROFESSION : Fashion designer.

PHYSICAL.

HAIR :   Long, thick, silver hair that falls past the back of her knees in gentle waves with a part that sweeps over the right side of her face. Silken in touch, there is very little that tends to snag on it, despite as such she does not leave it all down, save only for special occasions, usually having her hair up in a manner which it is manageable & doesn’t get in the way.

EYES :   A pale grey, shining almost metallically in some lights but always the look in them is warm, meant to comfort or a sign of joy. Past that, there is always a hidden sadness that not many tend to perceive, & she would rather keep it as such.

NOSE :   Slightly larger, but thin, coming to a point between soft & dainty.

FACE :   A bit oval shaped, but with a bit more defined chin/jawline more common with longer faces.

LIPS :  Soft & full, Rubina-shaped, with a slightly prominent Cupid’s bow with a natural upward curl on the edges giving the appearance that she’s always smiling. Usually wears lipstick, highly dependent on the outfit she wears, ranging from light shades, to sometimes bolder, darker shades.

COMPLEXION : Extremely pale with a bit of an unnatural sheen to it. Some days it’s not so much ‘white’ as it is a very light ‘grey-ish’ in shade.

BLEMISHES : A small pigmented birthmark on the left side of her lower back.

SCARS : A mix of burn as well as surgical scars all over her body, the most prominent ones being on her face stretching along her hairline & cheek down onto her right collarbone/shoulder, a Y-shaped scar down the middle of her torso, a rather large grotesquely healed bite scar over her left shoulder, & an 8 scar on her hip. Other scars include surgery scars on her arms & legs, as well as burn scars that cover some of the scars she already had.

TATTOOS :   None

HEIGHT :   5′3″ 

WEIGHT : 115lbs 

BUILD :   Sylph-like, but not entirely so with a bit of muscle mass to define her arms & legs as well as gracing curves, slightly pear-shaped in figure with hips being a little bit wider than her shoulders but overall not much of a noticeable difference.

FEATURES :   Soft hands with a couple of needle pricks on the pads of her fingers.

ALLERGIES : N/A

USUAL  HAIR  STYLE :   Almost always is it pulled over her right shoulder on casual days, done up & adorned with simple accessories, a constant being a black butterfly (seemingly alive) that sits & contrasts against the pale hue of her hair. Occasionally she will allow her hair to be let down for special occasions with minimal braids—– or even more elegantly styled depending on what she & her stylist believe to look best with what she wears.

USUAL  FACE  LOOK :  Serene, with a hint of melancholy if one catches her alone, but otherwise her features are warm & light, usually smiling or laughing, but her eyes are always sad no matter the joviality she portrays.

USUAL  CLOTHING :   Varies, although it usually includes blues & purples, elegant with a very much classical style. Also wears many neutral tones such as black, white, tan—– all clothes being of the highest fashion being things such as Chanel, Gucci, Prada, & always wearing high heels be it Jimmy Choo, Louboutin or the like. Will also wear her own clothing line at times.

PSYCHOLOGY.

FEAR/S : Rejection, abandonment, loneliness, Doctors, hospitals/any sort of medical equipment, people yelling/raising their voices, quick movements too close to her person.

ASPIRATION/S : Genuine, loving, almost maternal in most cases, she wants to help people in any way that she can. Not only that, but if someone allows her in, she will do all that she can to have them know that they are loved & that she will not leave/abandon them even when things become difficult unless it it their choice to leave first.

POSITIVE  TRAITS :   Kind, warm, easy to talk to, caring as well as loving, generous & overall philanthropist, always manages to see the best in people & accept them no matter their faults, mindful.

NEGATIVE  TRAITS :   Sensitive with people she’s close with, somewhat clingly/dependent, self-maytr, insecure, anxious, overworks herself, guilt-complex, eats people, dead. . .

MBTI : ESFJ

ZODIAC :   Pisces

TEMPERAMENT :   Sanguine

SOUL  TYPE / S :   Caregiver

ANIMALS : Otter

VICE  HABIT/S : Drinking, biting her lips, fidgeting with her fingers

FAITH : Somewhere along the lines of deist. 

GHOSTS ? : Can see them, so yes.

AFTERLIFE ? :   Yes.

REINCARNATION ? :   Yes.

ALIENS ? :   Yes.

POLITICAL  ALIGNMENT :   Liberal/leans more towards Democrats

ECONOMIC  PREFERENCE :   Used to having money, while there are notes of glamour and luxury that she’s surrounded in, it’s all rather simplistic in comparison to all that she could have, taking into consideration the sheer amount of wealth she owns.

SOCIOPOLITICAL  POSITION :   n/a

EDUCATION  LEVEL :   Graduated from Highschool as well as from the Ivy Leagues.

FAMILY.

FATHER :   Samuel Kidal; Status unknown  ( David Redgrave — adopted father; Deceased)

MOTHER :   Karissa Kidal; Status unknown

SIBLINGS :   Unknown

EXTENDED  FAMILY :   None

NAME  MEANING/S :   Her true name means ‘bird-like’ while Ebony seems to be derived from Ebba, it is moreso from what David had seen when he first encountered, a Darkness that one could not imagine. Ironically gave her the name.

HISTORICAL  CONNECTION ? :   N/A

FAVOURITES.

BOOK :   Too many books but she does prefer the classics such as Alice Through the Looking Glass, The Picture of Dorian Gray & Emma.

MOVIE :   Doesn’t really watch many movies. She likes plays though.

5  SONGS :  Fellow Feeling ----- Porter Robinson, Porcelain (Away Remix) ----- Skott, Teardrop ----- Chouchou, All the King’s Horses ----- Karmina, Carry Me ----- Eurielle

DEITY :  Hasn’t really thought about which one she likes?

MONTH :   August

SEASON :   Summer

PLACE :   The beach or forests

WEATHER :   Rain

SOUND :   Rain as well as nature

SCENT/S :   Lavander, rose, floral scents, rain, coffee

TASTE/S :   Black coffee, cinnamon/spices

FEEL/S :   Warmth, be it from a fire or person, being held by someone she is close to/loves, rain on her skin, as well as the sun, specific types of fabrics that brush against her skin, touching people in moments of tenderness, feeling loved.

ANIMAL/S :   Foxes, dogs, reptiles, cats, really any animal.

NUMBER :   12

COLOUR :   Shades of blue, mostly Persian, also enjoys purples & greens if coupled together correctly.