#also yes i ship her with demoman do NOT @ me

[rahneii]

Kinda lazy to finish this so it's forever uncolored, anyways have my tf2 oc, Kali

THE KALI Origin: Benguet, Philippines Role: Offense Lost her way to the famous life, Kali finds herself stuck in between crossroads of becoming a singer, and a killer. Used to spar with her Father with the art of arnis, she wanted to pursue that sport but with real people. Gutting men left and right like fish. On the other hand, her singing voice is like a siren. Luring you into the danger that is the edge of her blades. Being the only woman in the team is hard enough, if you tick her off? She's wiping the floor with your face.

[voidedbattery]

Iron and Smoke

@rvbrarepairweekdos

I GOTTA GET MY CHARON STUFF IN!!!!!!!

By the way, see this post if you haven't read it yet. It has notes that you need to know when you continue to read this post.

This post has MAJOR focuses on the Sleeveless Insurrectionist and The Demoman (both of which refer to the characters in RvB).

+ POLL

also check image alts if you don't know what nonsense I drew today 🔥

This is one of the only two days where I'm gonna post about. Why? Here are my excuses:

Right, so let's get into it.

The Appetizer

Caboose x Reader

Once I looked up a fanfiction with this exact tag. I was curious, so I was wondering if there was something wholesome. And it was! I read a fanfiction on AO3 (i don't know where it is but it's like one of five) where you and Caboose decorate a cool banner and annoy everyone on base with it. How fun! Definitely the caboose of all time.

Also like... You're supposed to make ship thingies for other people on this date so here's that. I'm also gonna use the wheel too and

The Wheel

where is it

OH MY GOSH LOOK THERE'S MORE STUFF!! WOW!!!

anyways i found it after five mouse scrolls

GONNA SPIN!!

ah yes. a main character and a main character <3< <#,,333,3#<####3,3,3,3,,3,3.....

when i got a Starburst yesterday, it was orange and pink

is this

is this foreshadowing or what

yeah i still can't draw properly but i can make it obvious enough to make a couple people that i know to go crazy

i have like 7 of these drawings but they're not about halo at all so i doubt you'd be interested

but if you do, let me know!

Main Course

I'm going to expand off of this post.

In short, Ch6/Dax's arm is just as large as Ch4/Marcus' if you take the bandolier off.

Here's where the "deeper diving" begins!

Team Crimson

Who Marcus (Ch4) and Dax (Ch6) belong to

Initially started as three people

Marcus is one of those three

They advertise very lightly because of the attention they don't want to bring up, so they use posters

But it happens anyway when Ch2, Ch3, Ch4, Ch6 are KIA while Ch1 goes MIA

The above is referred to as the Longshore Massacre to some groups (this fact is mainly for a specific AU; lmk if you want in on this)

The wiki says that they resemble Noble Team so I'm headcanonizing that

The team plays rough with each other but can remain professional in specific environments

Occasionally give out cinnamon treats to little ones who pass by

You probably won't survive a road trip with them if it takes enough time for you to get hungry for food

They were hired exactly four times before Longshore

One of those times was because a few friends were bored

Marcus

If you want to talk with him about something, it's best to do it alone

He's a completely different person when the team's assembled

Probably has a really big dog that lives at his house

Lives in an apartment but sleeps over at his cousin's about 30% of the time

Has a mutation which is probably the reason why having no sleeves hasn't killed him for his six years as an ODST

Started going sleeveless by pure accident due to an alarm clock failure, so it was really four years without sleeves

Marcus just kept going as soon as people were all over him

"What's your workout routine? BROOO those shoulders" they'd ask

Would only hug his S/O for over 20 seconds

Anything other than that would go to anybody who genuinely asked for a hug

Once made $872.36 from arm wrestling bets at one of Earth's major spaceports

He's the one who gives out the cinnamon treats

Chain Twins

Would give out raw cinnamon powder

Yes, I included the twins specifically to say that they'd give out raw cinnamon

They enjoy really obscure fandoms

One of them probably likes history a lot, but nobody really knows about it because of the fact that the textbooks are hidden in his/her backpack the whole time

Dax

Emailed the leader about joining Team Crimson just solely to work with whoever was on the poster that he saw two months ago

Actually jumped so much that he put a dent in the floor when he met Marcus in person

I saw a post that said that Ch6 would be Simmons but 20% cooler and I'm making that canon

Either that or he's the Rookie if he grew up in a crowded neighborhood

Was born in New York City (or something similar if Dax wasn't Earth-native)

Eats really small burgers for some reason

You'd know when you go to a restaurant and he starts complaining about the size of the Junior burgers

Forgets to take post-workout supplements but still looks like one of those people who'd miraculously save you from a car wreck

I think he teaches the other workers in the Charon Industries company how to drive a truck or something

His party trick is taking the square of double digit numbers

Someone said this on an Amino post but Dax is really formal after his arm gets blown off

THE Main Course

(and not the 50 plates of appetizers that already filled your stomach for the next two meals)

Iron and Smoke

Iron, because Marcus goes to the gym really often

Smoke, because that's what explosions do

I would've used another element for "smoke" but I can't tell which one makes explosions

Uranium? No, that sounds too techy-

wait... what IF Dax was a techy sciency person?

probably not. Dax would need to spend less time at the gym so he can study

The actual relationship between Marcus and Dax

I don't think they've "done it" at all even though a lot of people joke about it

They do helmet bops every day. They do it every day somehow. Even if nobody's looking, they do it. Even if it's 12 AM, they do it.

Marcus is the dominant person in this relationship (battery why are you mentioning this)

Marcus and Dax share a shockingly similar physique. If they wore the exact same armor, then you couldn't tell who was who until one of their faces was shown to you.

Because they're ODSTs they don't focus much on social media.

If you followed them, their posts would be VERY outdated in terms of trendiness, and the posts would actually be its own thing rather than something else (marcus and dax actually focus on things like legs and forearms instead of jugs of creatine)

(this totally isn't to cope with my social media experience)

The two have been together for about 15 months up until the events of Longshore.

If they survived long enough to retire (Charon's actually given them enough money to retire at 30 and somehow live a really good life), Dax would probably try to build something cool at home. Marcus would watch and help with something heavy.

One time, someone made a statue for the two of them about a month before Longshore. It sits in a museum somewhere, and nobody (other than the sculptor) will find it until 2554.

Marcus will back up Dax in an argument.

Dax will listen to Marcus talk about his gains for a full hour.

sharkface has blackmail

Dessert

Marcus is the one with the red helmet by the way

In an alternate timeline Marcus goes scuba diving and argues with a... thing

But instead of burping he accidentally "scares it too much"

Happy November guys! Let me know if you want to see more...

[sheyshocked]

Baby It’s All Just Chemistry (2/?)

Chapter title: Medic Has the Bloodiest Hands

Summary: Chemist meets the Medic and things go south very quickly.

Fandom: Team Fortress 2

Ship: Scout/Original Female Character (main), Heavy/Medic (minor), RED!Demo/BLU Soldier (minor) - all in later chapters

Warnings: Canon-typical violence, open-heart surgery

A/N:  Me: “I need to look up something about the Cold War, Interpol, and a Berlin Wall for my fic.” My bro: “Eh… and don’t you mind that it takes place in canon where New Zealand sank to the bottom of the ocean, Australians are superheroes with bushy mustaches, and where Tom Jones was killed off twice?” Me: “…I just think it’s neat.”

Previous chapters: 1 |

You can also read it on ao3!

Fate, if there was indeed such a thing, had a strange sense of humor. How else could Chemist explain that not even a week ago, she was waiting on death row, and now? She had a well-paid job, a roof over her head far from the greedy hands of the communist party, and as a bonus from her generous employer, a bunch of guinea pigs to take care of. Sure, most of her new coworkers seemed rather… unusual, but other than that?

It was an odd turn of events, but not an unwelcome one.

Trying to keep up with Spy and his oh-so-long legs was a losing fight. Not nearly as bad as when she walked with Scout, but at least the buck-teethed youth slowed down every now and then to let her catch up with him. Sure, she could have just asked Spy to do the same… but she didn’t want any of those guys to think she was weak right off the bat. They were all trained killers, and from what she had gathered from her talk with Miss Pauling, weren’t half-bad at their job.

Better not to let them think she would make an easy target.

They chatted a lot on their way, both in Czech and in English. It seemed like Spy had a real talent for languages. Any tongue he switched to sounded nearly immaculate if it weren’t for his prominent French accent. It was pretty impressive, to be honest.

She thought her language skills were also nothing to sneeze at – with her Czech, Slovak, English, some German, and Russian (though hell would sooner freeze over before she spoke any of that language). But she was nothing compared to Spy. And it made sense. With his line of work, he must have been to many different countries. Their family trips to Yugoslavia couldn’t compare. But she had left the Iron Curtain behind. She was free to go wherever she wanted once she gets a vacation.

It was a bitter irony now that she could see the world, all she wanted was to go home. She didn’t think she would miss her country all things considered, but she did.

To get rid of all the painful thoughts, she blurted out the first thing that came to mind: “So… that guy who’s just offered me a drink. Is it even allowed here? I mean, it sounds kinda dangerous, to be drunk on the job.”

Spy gave her a smirk. “Mademoiselle, we’re guns for ‘ire. No one cares what we are doing in our spare time, as long as there isn’t some catastrophic property damage. And you’ll soon find out that Demoman is a very ‘igh functioning drunkard. A sad one, certainly, but gets the job done.”

“Oh, right. Sorry,” she mumbled, feeling kinda silly now. It wasn’t her place to judge anyone here. God knows she had her own problems.

Just to keep the conversation flowing, she asked: “And that lanky fellow, Scout, does he flirt with everything that moves?”

This time, Spy groaned and rolled his eyes, exasperated. “Unfortunately, yes. But don’t worry. The boy is all bark and no bite. Just ignore ‘im and ‘e’ll go away.”

Called it. She knew a lot of guys like that back in her college days. Loud and obnoxious, but overall harmless. As long as it wouldn’t take poisoning his food to make him back off, they would get along just fine.

They went down a long corridor with many doors. Each had a symbol drawn upon them. They were all similar to the one she had on her Mann Co.-issued uniform. Hers depicted a flask with a skull and crossed bones. She rather liked it. It was simple, straight to the point.

Spy led her to the last entrance on the left. It was the only one without a mark. She glanced at the door next to it to get an idea of who was gonna be her neighbor – the symbol there depicted a shoe with wings. That was most likely a reference to Hermes, the messenger of gods. Whoever stayed in that room had to be quick on his feet. Her best tip was the Scout.

Just her luck. She had to bunk right next to the guy who tried to hit on her. Perfect.

Spy was kind enough to open the door for her and she waltzed right in, setting the crate on the ground next to the bed. Finally! She wouldn’t be able to carry it for much longer. She wiped the sweat off her brow and opened the lid with holes to check on the guinea pigs.

As soon as the lid went off, they all started wheeking and running around, thinking they were about to get a treat. Poor guys. The journey here was a long one and the heat nearly unbearable, but thank god, all six of them made it in a good health.

“Ugh, what’s that?” Spy scoffed, a disgusted sneer on his face. What, did he not like animals?

“My guinea pigs! To run experiments on and such.” Technically not a lie. She did get them for work. So what that she wouldn’t use them for their original purpose?

Spy didn’t seem to approve either way. “Just make sure they won’t escape their containment. I would ‘ate to ‘ave vermin running through my closet.”

“There are far worse things you could have there, you know?” she rolled her eyes. It was a little disheartening. She was hoping some of her teammates would share her enthusiasm for small rodents. But then again, looking at Spy’s neat suit, it was no wonder he didn’t. Fancy people rarely appreciated pets.

His loss.

“But don’t worry,” she reassured him. “They will get a proper cage soon. No escape attempts.”

She started rummaging through her large backpack. There should be a few carrots prepared for her little charges. Hm, but where were they now?

She brushed away her gas mask and a case with her reading glasses until her fingers closed around a pack of vegetables. Excellent.

She glanced back at Spy, who was watching her with a keen eye. “Please, is there a sink somewhere? I need to clean these and refill their water bottle.”

“Stay away from the sinks if you can. The tap water in the whole town is full of lead – that’s why we left some bottled water by your bedside.”

That made her perk up. “Lead? But that’s amazing! I haven’t studied severe lead poisoning in… well, ever! Tell me, has anyone tried it yet?”

Spy looked weirded out at first, but that was fine. Most people did. She was used to it by now. Her methods may be unorthodox, but no one could deny they were damn effective.

Just not always the way she intended.

“You might want to ask Soldier. I ‘ave a feeling ‘e didn’t get the memo.”

She grinned. “I will ask him! Thanks.” Her gaze shifted back to her guinea pigs. They were getting impatient now, climbing one another to try and get out of the box. “Oh, but I have to remember to give piggies only the bottled water. Lead might be too much for their little organisms, poor things.”

Well, she should get down to business.

As she was taking care of her pets, humming a soft tune while doing so, Spy was watching her with his piercing gaze. It made her nervous as all hell.

No way I’m gonna unpack my things in front of him, she thought solemnly.

“There, all done,” she turned to face him once again, trying to appear more stoic than she felt. Only then she realized she was fidgeting with her hands like some damn schoolgirl. Drat! So much so for trying to seem tough. “Eh, you said you need to take me to the Medic’s office for a check-up, right? How about we go now?”

Thank god he didn’t comment on her unease, even though he had to see it clear as day. Instead, he accommodated her, saying: “Of course. Follow me.”

He gave her a quick tour through the entire base, showing her all the important places – shooting range, laundry room, Engie’s workshop, rec room as well as the showers. That last one gave her a pause.

It reminded her of her prison experience. No booths, no privacy, nothing. Just a bunch of ugly shower heads sticking from the walls. At least the tiles looked somewhat clean, but that set the bar pretty low.

Bloody hell. Off to a great start.

“I guess you don’t have a women’s bathroom here, right?”

It wouldn’t make much sense, since she had yet to see another woman on the base, but hey. Hope dies last.

“Non.”

…Hope died in the vanguard.

“But that’s quite easy to fix. We can always create a schedule, so you won’t ‘ave to share with the others.”

Well, it was far from ideal, but it was something. Either way, she was glad Spy was so considerate. He could also tell her to suck it up, that she is now a mercenary first and woman second, but something told her he also wasn’t fond of communal showers. Had to be that balaclava of his. The air of secrecy around him.

Did he ever take it off in front of the others?

“Thanks, that sounds great.” She paused for a few seconds, squinting at the door. There was no lock on it. “And they won’t peek or anything while I’m in here?”

Spy honest to god chuckled. “I doubt it. We may be the scum of society, Mademoiselle, but we would never ‘arass a teammate like that. But if someone does? You ‘ave every right to shoot them right between the eyes.”

Finally, they turned around the corner and went to the Medic’s domain. Spy stopped right in front of the door with a big red cross on it and lit himself a cigarette. Then, he turned towards Chemist. “I’ll ‘ave to leave you now, I still ‘ave other business to attend to. It was a pleasure meeting you, Chemist. Au revoir.”

With that, he pressed a button on his watch and disappeared into a thick cloud of smoke. Some of it got stuck in her nose and made her sneeze. Woah, what the hell was that? Her eyes darted around in a desperate attempt to find him, but no luck. Wonderful. A man who could become invisible on a whim had to be a pain in the neck on the battlefield.

But the clock was ticking. She better get this over with and see the Medic.

It would be rude to enter without knocking, she thought, so she first rapped her knuckles on the door. No response. She heard faint music through the wood (it sounded like Beethoven, but she couldn’t be quite sure), so he was definitively in there. Just didn’t hear her. She tried once more, but with the same results. That’s when she threw her politeness aside and simply invited herself in.

Unfortunately, she ran into a tall dark-haired man who looked like he was about to exit the clinic. He nearly dropped the folder of papers he was carrying. “Ah, entschuldigung, Mädchen! I haven’t heard you come in!”

Oh. So their doctor was German. And a handsome one, too. Not that it mattered or anything! It just caught her off guard. She wasn’t expecting so many fellow Europeans on the team. It made her feel a little more at home.

“No, no, I apologize, it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have barged in like this when you didn’t hear me knocking the first time. Anyway,” she pushed a hand in between them for him to shake, but she did it so clumsily that she nearly punched him in the stomach. “I’m Chemist, your new coworker. Nice to meet you, sir…”

Amazing, she had to roll her eyes at her own antics and chuckled nervously in an attempt to save her face. As if anything could save after this horrible display. Are you gonna twirl your hair in front of him like some dumb teenager too? Pull your act together!

Thank god the good doctor didn’t make a meal out of it. He even giggled – did she hear that right, did he really giggle? – before shaking her hand. Much like Engie, he had a nice, steady grip.

“Medic, at your service.” He bowed to her, which made her chuckle a little. It was so silly and charming at the same time. No one has ever done this to her before. “Tell me, have you seen Heavy around? I was waiting for him to stop by, but he still hasn’t shown up.”

Her face fell. “The big guy? Sure. He was in the cafeteria.”

“That does sound like him,” the doctor chuckled while fondly rolling his eyes. “He gets so distracted by his sandwiches he forgets all about time. But nevermind. Let me look at you.”

Once she nodded, he started studying her features with rapt attention. He even circled her a few times, raising her arm as if he were testing her joints. Odd, but she let him do whatever he had to do. In the end, he gave her a toothy wolf-like grin.

“You seem to have a perfect bone structure. That’s wunderbar! At least you’ll be able to take quite a few punches before collapsing.”

“Um, thanks…?”

“A mere observation, Fräulein. Don’t worry about it.” A sinister smile found its way onto his face. No matter how handsome he was, it was still creepy as hell. It wasn’t enough to make her reconsider all of her life choices that led her here, but it was still pretty damn close. “You are also just the right size for me to use that Loch Ness monster’s heart I’ve been saving for special occasions. What a lucky day!”

…Okay, this was weird. What was he even talking about? A Loch Ness monster’s heart? Unfortunately, before she could ask what did he mean, he ushered her deeper into the room, showing her an empty chair to sit on. “But first let’s start with your examination, ja? Take a seat, please. I will be right back.”

Too late to run, she obeyed, looking around so she could figure out an escape route, in case something went amiss. Not that she believed it would, it was just better to be prepared. Being hunted down by the police taught her that.

The room was large, probably fit to serve as a surgical theatre in need, and cramped with all sorts of medical equipment. The first thing that caught her attention was the huge examination table standing right innocuously in the middle. There was some sort of an… instrument? hanging above it. It looked like a homemade gun, but not quite. Hm, what purpose could it possibly serve?

She also noticed an old record player, the one she heard playing before she entered the clinic, lots of buckets for some reason, a fridge (for snacks?), and… wait. What was that noise?

First, she heard a soft fluttering of multiple wings, then, cooing. She looked up and noticed a flock of snow-white birds, just hanging around. One with suspiciously dirty feathers flew down and sat on Medic’s shoulder, who immediately started petting him and crooning at him. Such an adorable view. It took her almost embarrassingly long to realize there were living birds inside the infirmary, which should have high hygienic standards.

“You have doves here?”

Medic snapped his head around as if he only now remembered she was waiting there. “Oh, ja. Miss Pauling ordered me to keep them in a cage after the last incident, but they always seem to find a way to break out and free themselves. Isn’t that right, Archimedes?”

He gently ruffled the feathers of the dirty dove sitting on his shoulder, who gave him an agreeable coo in return. Wait. The bird’s name was Archimedes? Aww. Now that she thought about it, she still had to name her guinea pigs.

“They are cute. Can I pet one?”

This seemed to take Medic by surprise, but after giving it some thought, he shrugged, nearly shaking poor Archimedes off. “Hm, I don’t see why not. Just be careful. They have very sharp beaks.”

He picked some basic medical instruments like a stethoscope and that thing for measuring blood pressure (with that horrible long name in English she could never memorize) and walked back towards her with Archimedes ready on his arm. The little bird was watching her with his tiny bead-like eyes. But once she reached for him, he let out a screech and flew away.

“Archimedes, that’s rude! Sorry, Fräulein, he’s a little bit shy around new people. Give him time. In the meantime, we can proceed with your check-up, hm?”

She nodded with a slight pout. She couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed Archimedes didn’t take a liking to her immediately. But then again, Medic was right – pets took a lot of time to warm up to a person. Besides, she had more pressing matters to worry about right now.

The examination was pretty standard – some measuring of weight and height as well as blood pressure. The good doctor listened to her heart, took a sample of her blood (probably more than was needed, but hey, she wasn’t complaining), and asked some simple if a bit uncomfortable questions. The usual stuff.

In the end, he seemed quite pleased with the results, which made her feel oddly proud. Like she just got a good mark from her favorite college professor. Completely normal.

But then it took a sharp turn.

“All right, nothing seems to be out of the ordinary, except for the slight arrhythmia. That means it’s time for the surgery!” he flashed her that grin from ear to ear again. “Strip down to the waist and lie down on the examination table, bitte.”

WHAT?!

It happened so fast, her brain had trouble catching up. Confusion and concern in equal measure flooded her mind. And everything became much worse when she saw the scary-looking bone saw he pulled out from somewhere.

“Wait, hold on!” she choked up, her throat feeling way too constricted to talk normally. “You said everything was fine, so what kind of surgery are you talking about?!”

He arched one eyebrow at her, puzzled. As if she was the one who was acting unreasonably, and not him. “You haven’t read the contract?”

Can’t say she did. Not the entire thing. It’s hard to pay attention when you are on the run from jail. The only condition she read thoroughly was that any relationships between the two teams were strictly forbidden, but that didn’t make much sense to her back then. So she frantically shook her head, which made Medic frown.

The only thing scarier than his smiles was his dissatisfied face.

“One of the requirements for this job is open-heart surgery. In short, I’m gonna replace your heart, so it won’t explode inside your ribcage when I use my übercharge on you. Any questions before we get on with it?”

Oh Lord. She was gonna die here, wasn’t she?

But not without a fight.

There was a scalpel lying on the table right next to her arm. It wouldn’t be her weapon of choice under any circumstances, but right now it was her best shot. Her hand shook so badly when she grabbed it. Without thinking twice, she struck blindly in the general direction of the madman.

A sharp hiss told her she haven’t missed.

She opened her eyes only to see a nasty, bleeding scar on one of Medic’s sharp cheeks. There was a dangerous gleam in his eyes. She wasn’t gonna stand around and wait for him to strike back.

Before he could grab her and probably slam her on the table like a disobedient cat, she slipped right underneath his arm (advantage of being this short, she mused) and ran for the door. Thank god it wasn’t that far.

She reached for the handle, pressed it… and got nothing. The door was stuck. Damn it! This was like a prom night all over again. A living nightmare. Did he lock the door when she wasn’t looking?! Cold sweat ran down her forehead as she started pulling it about with all her weight, praying it would open. But it didn’t.

Well, she was positively screwed.

By now, he had enough time to get to her. He didn’t, though. Why? Afraid of what she was about to see, she glanced over her shoulder, the scalpel still in her hand, prepared to go for the throat if necessary, and was taken by surprise when she spotted Medic at the same place where she had left him, one finger stuck in the air as if he wanted to say something and was rudely interrupted.

The sheer bizarreness of the situation made her stop right in her tracks and stare at him owlishly, waiting for what he was about to do. She regretted not having her chemicals here. Even a stupid chlorine would do.

“Fräulein? Don’t try to force the door open, you’ll only make it worse. It gets jammed quite frequently. Now, calm down, it’s only a minor procedure, we all went through with it, even Herr Scout, so stop being such a baby and hop on the table. I won’t ask again.”

“Open-heart surgery, a minor procedure?!” she sputtered. “In what universe?”

He rolled his eyes at her. “In this one. You’ll see. So, what will it be? Do I have to restrain you or will you behave?”

This was so messed up, but something told her that undergoing it tied down to the table would be much worse, so she decided to obey, at least until she gets another opportunity to run. She climbed on the operating table and took off her lab coat, shirt, and after some hesitation, her bra. Heh, and to think Medic seeing her breasts became the least of her problems right now…

The doctor turned his back towards her, maybe to give her some semblance of privacy or, and that was the most likely option, to ready his instruments. There was her chance. She could knock him out and make a run for it.

Unfortunately, before she could grab something heavy, Medic turned towards her with a sadistic smirk on his face. Shit. Too late now.

“Are you at least going to give me anesthesia?”

Medic looked at her as if she grew a second head. Surely he couldn’t mean… “Nein, nein, that would be a waste. You won’t feel a thing anyway.”

Jesus Christ. She felt her heart beating so fast it could break her ribs and march out of her chest on its own. No need for surgery. Any second now, she was going to faint. Maybe that’s what Medic meant when he argued she won’t need any anesthesia. But then he turned the odd gun-like thing hanging above her on. She was immediately flooded with a strange tingling sensation.

“What’s that?”

“This? Oh, that’s just Quick-fix. It instantly heals you, so you won’t bleed out. Feels good, ja?”

“I don’t know. It’s… odd.”

The mad doctor leaned his head down in front of the scarlet fumes and turned his still-bleeding cheek towards it. A few seconds after that, the wound healed itself, not even leaving a scar behind. Chemist choked up on her saliva. What sorcery was this?! Well, not sorcery, everything had to have a scientific explanation, she just couldn’t find one right now.

“Woah! Doctor, what’s in those fumes? It’s not nitrous oxide, is it? I was trying to make something like this all my life and…”

Medic smirked. “Curious little thing, aren’t you? You know what, I might as well tell you if you stop squirming and let me do my job. Do we have a deal?”

“Deal!” With interest piqued, she ceased wiggling around and observed what was happening.

Having her chest split open with a scalpel was far from a pleasant sight, but she had to admit it didn’t hurt. Not even a little bit. Despite chattering and tittering the entire time, Medic worked fast and his hand was steady.

“Where are you from, Chemist? I’m from Stuttgart myself, but I’ve been quite the globetrotter, so I’m wondering if we’ve ever crossed paths before.”

She sincerely doubted it. She has never been to Germany, and even if, Stuttgart was “on the other side of the Berlin Wall”. Off-limits for people like her. “Perhaps. I’ve lived and studied in Prague.”

Medic’s face suddenly lit up. “Ah, Prague. Wonderful city. I spent some time there when I was younger. But then Interpol caught a whiff of my trail and I had to move again.”

“Wait. You’ve been searched for by Interpol?!”

“Ah heh, ja. It’s a little bit embarrassing. Happened shortly after I lost my medical license. Now now, stop hyperventilating, bitte. You’re spoiling my cuts.”

Easy for him to say. He didn’t have a man operating on him without a license. But then again, perhaps she should have been more surprised he had one in the first place. Everything about this was screaming malpractice. Even though she couldn’t deny he showed a lot of skill and precision while baring her organs underneath the skin and bones.

It took a while, but finally, her chest was wide open. At first, she tried to avoid looking at her innards, simply because it was too weird – and that was coming from a person who willingly joined a bunch of deranged mercenaries – but then Medic let out a fascinated whistle. She had to see what was going on. So she glanced down… and yelped.

When did her organs become so dark and shriveled? Her heart looked like an ugly little prune, liver resembled stone. Some other parts she couldn’t even recognize. Gross! How did this happen? And what did it even mean? Was she gonna die at the ripe age of twenty-three?

“Uh… this is not supposed to look like this, is it?” she asked, her voice getting an octave higher with hysteria. The piece of charcoal she called a heart immediately started pumping more blood into her body, preparing her for fight or flight. But what was she hoping to escape? Her own mangled guts?

Medic once again pushed his glasses up his nose, careful not to smudge them with her blood, which was still red and healthy-looking, thank god. Only then it came to her that he wasn’t wearing his gloves. How hygienic. Maybe sepsis would get her sooner than this madness.

“Ooh, fascinating! I’ve never seen so much damage in one body before.” Was that supposed to calm her down?! “I would have to run some tests to be sure what caused it, but given your line of profession… have you ever been poisoned, Chemist?”

That’s when it finally clicked. Oh. She gave him a tight little nod.

“Thought so. That had to be one hell of a toxin. I’m impressed you’re even alive.”

Despite everything, she forced a smug smile. “Thanks. It was my own recipe.”

“I see. Have you always had suicidal tendencies?”

“What? No, it wasn’t… it was an experiment gone wrong. I was testing a new solution and the next thing I remember, I woke up in a hospital. It’s simple as that.”

She never liked to talk about it. Not only because it was embarrassing, but also because no one ever understood. Not even her sister. Or dad. They all thought she was sick in the head. Poor little girl, playing with bad things hoping they would do any good. Bah! But Medic, he got it. She saw it in his eyes. That mad spark. His smile full of teeth.

“Splendid. A woman of science who’s also not afraid of experimentation. Though I would recommend using willing test subjects next time, rather than delving into it yourself. The results are more reliable, then. Much more satisfying, too.”

“Perhaps. But I kinda like it my way.” She was hoping he would leave it at that, and he did. With agreeable harumph, he went back to work.

“I’ll have to replace most of this, but don’t worry – you’ll soon be as good as new. Maybe even better.” His eyes shifted toward the mysterious fridge. So no snacks then. Shame. “Hm, now that I think about it, I don’t have any fresh livers at the moment. I used the last one on Herr Demoman. Ah, doesn’t matter. I’ll send Miss Pauling a request, it’ll just take a while. Come back later this week and we’ll get you all set up before your first real battle, ja?”

“All right. Thanks, doctor.”

“Don’t mention it. It’s my job. And also a hobby.”

He started digging around in her chest, cutting free the sad excuse of organs one by one and replacing them for more healthy-looking counterparts (she couldn’t help but notice he stuck some strange metal device in her new heart. Hopefully it was no self-destructive gizmo or something equally bad). She quickly lost track of time. It was taking soooo long. Even though Medic tried to humor her by talking to her, she still grew bored fairly quickly. She wasn’t used to just lay on her back, doing nothing. Solving equations in her head only helped so much.

She was just about to ask how much longer will it take, when Medic wiped the sweat off his brow and said: “All right, all done for now.”

He flipped the switch on the Quick-fix and… Woah! A gasp was punched straight out of her lungs as her flesh and bones started mending themselves right in front of her eyes. Just like that. It was done faster than it began, and Chemist immediately pawed at her chest, trying to find any proof she was operated on but found none. Not even a slight dent. If it didn’t go against everything she believed in, she would say it was a miracle.

Medic handed her her lab coat, so she quickly covered herself, then sat at the edge of the table and with stars in her eyes breathed out: “Doctor, that was amazing! I really didn’t feel a thing! Now you have to tell me everything about those fumes.”

He laughed before indulging her.

***

She spent another hour or so at the Medic’s office, just chatting about his greatest invention, but then Heavy showed up and she had to go. Maybe it was for the best. No offense, but she didn’t want to spend more time than she necessarily had to with some big scary Russian guy. Not after what happened back home.

Besides, the doctor seemed eager to shoo her away as soon as the other member of the team turned up. Pity. Or not. She still had no idea what to think of him. On one hand, he was extremely intelligent and seemed to know what he was doing. On the other, he was unhinged with no regard for ethics or morals. The duality of a man.

Well, it ended up way better than she expected. Which wasn’t saying much, since she thought she was going to be slaughtered and made into čevabčiči, but that wasn’t the point.

She whistled on her way back to her room. She felt so much lighter now. It better not be because the doctor forgot to put something essential back in, she shuddered at the thought, but she quickly put it behind herself. She was fine. Everything would be just fine.

As soon as the door closed behind her, she leaned against its frame, letting out a big sigh. Finally alone. Now she could look around, take it all in and unpack her things.

The room was small and very plain with only a simple bed, a small table and a wardrobe, a telephone, and the crate currently occupied by guinea pigs. Nothing special, but as a student, she survived worse. She grabbed her backpack and started unpacking.

She had just prepared clothes and her mask for tomorrow’s training when the phone started ringing. Odd. She wasn’t expecting a call. The only people she knew were still trapped in the old continent, so it could be only her boss. She picked it up and was greeted by Miss Pauling’s warm voice: “Chemist, it’s Pauling here. I got you the bag and all the chemicals you requested. I will drop by tomorrow and bring it to you.”

“So soon? Well, thank you, Miss. I was worried I was asking for too much, but it seems like you have it all covered, huh?”

“You bet,” Miss Pauling chuckled. “You’re welcome, by the way. Anyway, how did meeting the team go? I know they can be a bit too much, but you’ll soon get used to it, trust me.”

She chuckled. That was an understatement of the year, but she would take it. “It was fine. They were all very nice, all things considered. It’s just a lot to take in, I guess.”

“I know what you mean. Take your time. You’ll see it gets better.” A pause. Then: “Oh, and one more thing – I’ll have to speak with you in private once I see you. It’s about your sister.”

That made Chemist straighten up, hope filling her voice as she croaked out: “My sister? Have you found her? Is she… is she all right? Please tell me she’s all right.”

She heard a rustle on the other side, followed by a sigh. “I’m sorry, but I can’t tell you more right now. I promise I’ll explain when we meet again. Until then… goodnight, Chemist. Try to get some sleep. It’s a big day tomorrow.”

Disappointed, Chemist sank on her bed, the telephone still in her hand. Her only luck was that the wire was long enough so she could lie down without having to cut the call. “I see. Well, it was worth a shot. Goodnight, Miss Pauling. And thanks again. For everything.”

The call ended with a sheepish noise coming from the other end. Chemist held the phone receiver to her chest long after the sound of Miss Pauling’s voice was gone. She was the bravest, most badass woman she had ever met. She singlehandedly led her out of jail and smuggled her out of the country. If anyone could save Marie, it was her. She just had to be patient. Do her job, fight tooth and nail and wait. She could do that.

She stole one last long look at the picture now sitting on her bedside table before she went to undress and slip under the covers.

Hopefully, tomorrow would bring good things.

***

Translations and context: Spy: Au revoir – goodbye Medic: Entschuldigung, Mädchen – sorry, girl Medic: That’s wunderbar – That’s wonderful Medic: Fräulein – Miss Medic: Bitte – please

“family trips to Yugoslavia” – Yugoslavia was one of the few countries people from Czechoslovakia could visit (but getting permission to travel there wasn’t easy and usually part of the family had to stay, so those who went wouldn’t be tempted to emigrate). It was much easier to travel to Bulgaria, Hungary, Romania, or East Germany, but Yugoslavia remained one of the most popular. “nitrous oxide” – commonly known as a “laughing gas”, it has anesthetic and pain-reducing effects “Berlin wall” – also called “Wall of Shame” by the western authorities and “Anti-Fascist Protection Rampart” by the eastern ones, was built in 1961 (seven years before this story takes place) to separate West Germany from the East. East Berliners weren’t allowed to cross the border at all and risked being gunned down if they tried to escape “Interpol” – International Criminal Police Organization, founded on 7th September 1923 in Vienna under the name International Criminal Police Commission (ICPC), it got its name in 1956 (so only twelve years before the story of TF2 takes place; Medic would probably use the older name, but for the sake of clarity, I used the “newer” one) “čevabčiči” – common food made from minced meat served in many restaurants during the socialist era (but still popular to this day)

[tempural]

origins of tentaspy

Interview I conducted with Lakidaa (known as Engineer on the chan) about the origins of Tentaspy, and other old TF2chan stuff.  Interview conducted March 29th, 2020.  Content warning for discussions of Scout x Spy shipping (pre comics, no incest you sillies!) and racism on the chan.

If you were ever curious about where the Tentaspy meme came from, here ya go!  It’s also a nice lil documentation of some older fandom stuff, before it all moved to Tumblr (then combusted).

---

scumsuck: About Tentaspy.  I was on TF2chan in the pre-2009 days, and I recall it being part of a little mermaid AU?  With Scout as the little mermaid and Spy as Ursula?  Is my recollection true?

Lakidaa: Ah yes.  Yes!  I was Engineer [on TF2chan].  It was because we were on a kick of watching Disney movie songs in their native language & Beauty And The Beast is a French story.  

scumsuck: So Tentaspy started as a SpyScout thing, then it got into Teufort monster territory.

Lakidaa: Right.

scumsuck: When you say 'we were on a kick of watching disney', you mean you and other people on the chan?

Lakidaa: Yes! There was a steam chat we hung out in.

scumsuck: Do you remember who else was there on the disney movie thing?

Lakidaa: Uhhh me? Jones. Khorosho, the mod who was an Aussie, Dr.Tanner, oh! Yeah uhh Kilomonster.  Idk the exacts because it was 10 years ago.

scumsuck: The vagues are fine too!  10 years dang...

Lakidaa: A big problem was that the mod was Aussie and kinda oblivious to racism lmao.  It’s why I quit.

scumsuck: oh boy I remember a LOT of casual racism on the chan.  like the 'nickname' for demoman.

Lakidaa: Yyyyyeah. It’s why kilo bounced and why I eventually bounced.

scumsuck: bounced off the chan, or out the TF2 fandom in general?

Lakidaa: Both?  I was an actual administrator; I had full powers on the Chan itself.  And I got sick of Tanner’s racism and then Mog (that was her name)’s defense of it claiming the usual ‘oh we’re not Americans we do t Do that tee hee’ defending.  And it was the fandom.  This was before tumblr, really. I was doing LJrp at the time.  So if you weren’t posting on the chan there wasn’t really anywhere to get your fix.

scumsuck: I guess there were a lot of people sick of the racism back then, but the chan culture was too much.

Lakidaa: Yeah. We hadn’t realized that it didn’t have to be that way :V

scumsuck: I think I remember that the chan was made cuz everyone else on 4chan's /v/ was sick of the 'ironic' gay porn posting?

Lakidaa: Right.

scumsuck: So besides TF2chan , there wasn't the mass exodus to Tumblr yet.

Lakidaa: Because [LiveJournal] didn’t suck enough yet.

scumsuck: Curiously I don't remember that much of a TF2 community on LiveJournal.

Lakidaa: There wasn’t.

scumsuck: I remember ones for other shows like Metalocalypse and Venture Bros and so forth, but I guess TF2 never stuck on LJ.

Lakidaa: I was very LJ at the time.  Those shows were shows and like. I don’t think fandom had developed enough to take these characters which were, at the time, broad sketches, and do stuff with them.  All the meet-the videos weren’t out by then.

scumsuck: Now we can take vague-as-hell characters, like the ones from Overwatch, and mash em into something workable.  I wonder if the OW fandom could have thrived pre-tumblr.

Lakidaa: I don't think so. OW itself is the descendent of TF2’s character-based shooty.  I also admittedly have no fucking clue what’s up with the gator Sniper. (in reference to me asking if they knew the origins of Tentaspy's counterpart, the gator Sniper.) That was way later when I was in 40k

scumsuck: I love this stuff, and I'm trying to get together more memories of the chan and it's culture.   Do you remember Teratomarty?

Lakidaa: Yes!  And makani!  She famously did the administrator as a fan thing and got scooped by Valve.

scumsuck: Heck yeah!  Makani what a legend.  There were a lot of -isms and -phobias in TF2chan, as a part of the awful chan culture, but a lot of great art was made there too.

Lakidaa: Oh yeah.  I still have some documents too.

scumsuck: Oooh what sorts of documents?  I know the chan's been like... deleted and reformatted a couple times since I was on there so a lot was lost.

Lakidaa: Old fiction!

scumsuck: Do you recall who drew some of the first pieces of visual art for Tentaspy when it was created?  And who did the first fics?

Lakidaa: Me for fics lmao.  But for art I don’t remember.  There used to be a pictochat. (a site for multiple people to draw on the same canvas at once)

scumsuck: Do you still have your Tentaspy fics?

Lakidaa: Maybe!  I’m on phone and it’s all on the desktop lmao

scumsuck: They're important historical documents!

Lakidaa: Bro I read the post on tumblr about the 70s spirk fic in A&M University.

scumsuck: Ye Olde Yaoiz.  This stuff is honestly important!!!  I know I wouldn't have developed as an artist without all the slash I was reading back in my youth.

Lakidaa: Same.

scumsuck: Does Tentaspy predate 2010?

Lakidaa: I believe so.  Aha 2008 stuff.  I do have some [writing] that's Tentaspy, but it's chat; I'd have to find Jones and ask them if they're down

scumsuck: 12 years... Good timeframe though, that's when I was actively browsing the chan.

Lakidaa: It does have some nsfw on it which is double why I'm asking. This doesn't look like it's a chat chat tho it looks like our old DMs

scumsuck: Did Tentaspy originate as a NSFW concept from the getgo?

Lakidaa: For about 10 minutes it wasn't NSFW and was just us ragging about.

scumsuck: How do you feel about fanworks of tentaspy?  I'm working on a doujin of Tentaspy, and this is one of the reasons I wanted to contact whoever created the concept.  If I were to print comics of this concept you and your friends created, would they feel odd to you?

Lakidaa: Not really!  It's perfectly fine. It's a concept that's left my hands.  I'm not in TF2 anymore (Overwatch and 40k and my OCs honestly) so I'm like, 'at least someone's enjoying it'

scumsuck: Oh yeah, the fandom ghost that will never leave.

Lakidaa: yes :p

scumsuck: I haven't been into TF2 since like... 2009-2010, but I got back in the last couple years and have had a blast figuring out where the fandom went post-Tumblr.  I love this like.. metacontextual historical stuff

Lakidaa: Yeah! I'm glad someone's on it.

scumsuck: I think that's all I have to ask you for now, I'll wait and see if Jones responds!

Lakidaa: (._.)7

[miraclesmara]

Team Fortress 2 Kyuranger AU

aka. Space Fortress Kyuranger

The Nine Mercs as the Nine Saviors!!! I haven't been in the TF2 fandom for a long time (Last time I was in the fandom, the latest comic issue was when the team came to Atlantis New Zealand and it ended with them being attacked by TFC) so I don't how well this fits. More under the cut:

The Main Team

Soldier as Leo Red

Demoman as Lupus Blue

Engineer as Libra Gold

Heavy as Taurus Black

Pyro as Ophiuchus Silver

I have two different setups for the other four members. Which one is better?:

Setup A:

Spy as Scorpius Orange - He'd have a similar role to Stinger. Skills with needles are very useful to have for an assassin and master of disguise.

Scout as Chamaeleon Green - Similar personality to Hammy and Lucky. His speed plus invisibility makes for an annoying combination against opponents

Sniper as Aquila Pink - Raptor is the only Kyuranger so far to have used a sniper scope (aka the Telescopium Kyutama), also the Aquila Voyager as an arm is a bow.

Medic as Dorado Yellow

Setup B:

Medic as Scorpius Orange - Because needles and poison (which may have some medical applications).

Spy as Chamaeleon Green - Can turn invisible

Scout as Aquila Pink - Because speed and flight

Sniper as Dorado Yellow

Extra Rangers

The Administrator as Draco Commander - Old purple boss (Which is where all the similarities end I guess). Even though she rarely shows up in person, she always gives out missions and orders the team around via the ship's speakers, screens, seiza blasters, Miss Pauling, etc. Most of the team have never even met her in person before her debut as Draco Commander (or Draco Violet).

Miss Pauling as Ursa Skyblue - Even though she isn't Aquila Pink, she'd still have a role similar to Raptor's (pilot of the ship, tasked to find the Kyurangers, pretty much the same as what she already does in TF2) but with more presence.

Saxton Hale as Phoenix Soldier - He might need a different title from "Soldier" since there's already a Soldier. He's the only one on the team who's from Earth. Like Tsurugi, he is a legend but nobody recognizes him because Gray erased all records of the Legendary Saxton Hale.

Other stuff:

If Setup A is used for the team, the order in which the main Kyurangers join is the same as in the show: Medic/Yellow, Heavy/Black, and Scout/Green (Miss Pauling found them in that order) - Soldier/Red - Demo/Blue - Engie/Gold and Pyro/Silver - Sniper/Pink - Spy/Orange

The team met Engie and Pyro when the ship broke down and they needed to get some supplies and find someone who can help repair the ship. (This also applies if Setup B is used)

The team had encountered Spy somewhere in the Scorpius System some time before they come to the Aquila System where they meet Sniper. Spy doesn't join until the team comes to Earth and then Spy later reveals to the team that he is on their side.

Gray Mann is the Don Armage of this AU and the TFC members are various high ranking members that the Kyurangers face

Maybe the mercs still have their TF2 equipment in addition to their Kyuranger equipment

The mercs plus Miss Pauling wear the Kyuranger jackets in their respective colors (Miss Pauling wore a purple Kyuranger jacket before switching to a skyblue one when she became a Kyuranger)

Like in Kyuranger, Earth has some secrets with one of those secrets being Australium related.

Gray's planning of making robots of the team happened some time after all the Nine had been gathered but before Draco Commander's first appearance (which is why there aren't any robots of the extra Rangers but if there are any, then they appear much later)

Their equivalent to the Ex-aid Kyutama (if you want) would be kyutamas of other Valve games. Just like Ex-aid, they don't serve any purpose to the plot other than brief cameo scenes. I barely know anything about the other Valve games so I don't know if this scenario sounds accurate:

You can decide how they ended up there: At least two of the Kyurangers are trapped somewhere - They hear a voice that sounds a lot like the Administrator telling them to solve the puzzle - They have no idea how to solve it - Miss Pauling sends in an unusual looking Kyutama - "Portal Kyutama" "Seiza Attack" - Chell appears

Merasmus has a Kyutama that the team needs ("Gaze not upon the Kyutama!!"). They find him at some haunted forest (or some other haunted place). The mission to get the Kyutama from him would've went off without a hitch if Soldier hadn't been brought along (Merasmus probably had a "You've gotta be kidding me" sort of reaction upon seeing that one of the Kyurangers is his annoying former roommate).

I feel like Pyroland and Balloonicorn should be incorporated into the Dark Pyro arc. But how?:

a.) The one who turned Pyro into Dark Pyro did so by taking advantage of Pyrovision

b.) In Pyro's mind when Engie and whoever else is with him manages to wake Pyro up while fighting Dark Pyro, Pyro gets the upper hand in the battle and the world around them turns into Pyroland.

Yes or no?: The Administrator's true intentions for gathering the Kyurangers in order to defeat Gray was to take the universe for herself (whether Miss Pauling knows this or not is up to you). How would the team react to learning the truth?

Not related to the au: Can somebody please do a Gmod or SFM remake of any image of the Nine Kyurangers but with the TF2 mercs? Or even better, a TF2 version of the Kyuranger opening (though, that might be too difficult and too much work for anyone to want to do)?

What do you think? Any suggestions or changes? I'll leave the rest to whoever wants to write or draw for this au. Depending on how much inspiration I get, I might add more to this au after Kyuranger is over and I'm fully updated on the TF2 comic and other stuff I missed.